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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:04,546 It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:04,630 --> 00:00:08,300 Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:11,470 But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:11,553 --> 00:00:14,598 On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:17,893 Lucky there's a Family Guy 6 00:00:17,976 --> 00:00:21,480 Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:23,065 All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,148 --> 00:00:24,608 Laugh and cry 9 00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:29,863 He's... a... Fam...ily... Guy 10 00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:37,120 -Peter, did you brush your teeth? -Nah. 11 00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:38,997 -Peter, brush your teeth. -I don't wanna. 12 00:00:39,081 --> 00:00:40,374 Peter, brush your teeth. 13 00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:41,750 No, it's stupid. 14 00:00:41,834 --> 00:00:43,961 Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way. 15 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,128 No! Open your mouth. 16 00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:46,505 No! No! Peter, open your mouth! 17 00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:48,215 -(screaming) Show me your teeth! -Show me your teeth! 18 00:00:48,298 --> 00:00:50,592 (glass shattering) Peter, did you hear that? 19 00:00:57,641 --> 00:01:00,269 Oh, my God, there are men breaking into our house. 20 00:01:00,352 --> 00:01:01,895 Dad, what is it? What's going on? 21 00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:03,105 I heard a noise. 22 00:01:03,188 --> 00:01:05,315 Is somebody downstairs? 23 00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:07,442 Oh, God, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry. 24 00:01:07,526 --> 00:01:09,570 What the hell's your problem, you dumbass? 25 00:01:09,653 --> 00:01:11,154 What the deuce is all the commotion? 26 00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:12,865 Quick, everyone get in the attic. 27 00:01:17,452 --> 00:01:19,663 Peter, what is that? 28 00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:21,540 Well, I got the idea to build a panic room 29 00:01:21,623 --> 00:01:24,042 after I saw that movie, The Butterfly Effect. 30 00:01:24,126 --> 00:01:26,211 I thought, "Wow, this is terrible. 31 00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:27,671 "I wish I could escape to a place 32 00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:29,464 where this movie couldn't find me," 33 00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:31,842 -and then-- What the hell -are we waiting for? 34 00:01:34,803 --> 00:01:36,638 These monitors are for watching the house. 35 00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:39,391 See, there's Stewie's room, Chris' room, Meg's room... 36 00:01:39,474 --> 00:01:40,601 Peter, there's no phone in here. 37 00:01:40,684 --> 00:01:41,727 How are we gonna call the police? 38 00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:43,312 Oh, my God. We're all gonna die! 39 00:01:43,395 --> 00:01:44,646 That's not true. 40 00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:46,440 We'll survive by eating each other. 41 00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:50,319 But I think it's important for the last one of us left alive to know this story. 42 00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:53,447 The story of the Griffin family history. 43 00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:54,823 Here's how it all began. 44 00:01:54,907 --> 00:01:57,367 Everything started with the Big Bang. 45 00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:58,785 It was a Saturday night, 46 00:01:58,869 --> 00:02:01,205 and God and his roommate Chugs were arm wrestling. 47 00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:03,707 (chuckling) You're going down, man. 48 00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:05,125 (farts) 49 00:02:05,209 --> 00:02:07,377 Oh, dude, that is sick. 50 00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:09,421 Yeah! Undefeated! 51 00:02:09,505 --> 00:02:13,634 Oh, wait, wait, wait. Here--Here comes another one. Quick, give me your lighter. 52 00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:14,885 (loud bang) 53 00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:23,519 Then, over millions of years, evolution took its course. 54 00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:33,779 Of course, I'm obligated by the state of Kansas 55 00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:37,574 to present the church's alternative to the theory of evolution. 56 00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:40,869 (theme from I Dream of Jeannie playing) 57 00:02:51,547 --> 00:02:53,465 After that, a meteor hit the earth, 58 00:02:53,549 --> 00:02:55,717 turning it into a block of ice for some reason. 59 00:02:55,801 --> 00:02:58,637 But then it thawed and cavemen came. 60 00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:02,474 Why Peter look sad? 61 00:03:02,558 --> 00:03:05,978 Brian, Peter invent wheel. Peter show wheel to people in town, 62 00:03:06,061 --> 00:03:07,271 but no one want wheel. 63 00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:09,314 Everyone excited about trapezoid. 64 00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:10,524 No one buy wheel. 65 00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:12,067 Peter, you invent wheel? 66 00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:13,402 That big breakthrough. 67 00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:14,736 This maybe make you millionaire. 68 00:03:14,820 --> 00:03:17,030 Then how come no one buy Peter wheel? 69 00:03:17,114 --> 00:03:18,782 Maybe sales pitch not good enough. 70 00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:20,033 Brian help. 71 00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,454 Okay, sell wheel just like practice. 72 00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:25,706 Not sure can do it. 73 00:03:25,789 --> 00:03:27,749 You so money. Don't know it. 74 00:03:27,833 --> 00:03:29,126 Hi, me Peter. 75 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:30,961 Tired walking everyplace? 76 00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:32,296 Need something make you go? 77 00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:34,214 Peter wheel make you go. 78 00:03:34,298 --> 00:03:36,550 Maybe Joe want try wheel on chair. 79 00:03:36,633 --> 00:03:38,594 For last time, Joe no want. 80 00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:40,470 (screaming) 81 00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:44,183 Brian, Peter fail again. 82 00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:47,436 Not so fast. Brian have other idea. 83 00:03:47,519 --> 00:03:50,522 Anyone buy wheel get dead bird. 84 00:03:50,606 --> 00:03:51,857 (all mumbling) 85 00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:54,026 Not working. Try drastic measure. 86 00:03:54,109 --> 00:03:56,111 Brian, what hell? 87 00:03:56,195 --> 00:03:57,321 Hot lady next to wheel. 88 00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:58,864 Make me want wheel. 89 00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:02,409 Maybe if me buy wheel, me get pretty lady, too. I buy wheel. 90 00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:04,536 (all clamoring) 91 00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:07,539 People want Peter wheel thanks to sexy wife. 92 00:04:07,623 --> 00:04:10,459 Tonight you and me party like it's 9. 93 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:14,713 Damn all. What deuce? Victory Stewie's. 94 00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:17,716 There have been many great Griffins throughout history, 95 00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:20,969 including Moses Griffin, who led the Jews out of Egypt. 96 00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:25,390 All right, it's gonna be a long journey, everyone, 97 00:04:25,474 --> 00:04:27,309 but I will lead you to freedom. 98 00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:29,770 Now, Jews, ho! 99 00:04:33,482 --> 00:04:35,400 Here we are, the Red Sea. 100 00:04:35,484 --> 00:04:37,319 Now, all we gotta do is swim across. 101 00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:38,403 I didn't bring my trunks. 102 00:04:38,487 --> 00:04:40,239 I don't want to step on a shell. 103 00:04:40,322 --> 00:04:41,990 I can't get water in my ears. 104 00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:43,200 I ate 20 minutes ago. 105 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:46,328 You know, what they flush in Cairo ends up right here. 106 00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:49,206 (sighs) All right, I'll see what I can do. 107 00:04:56,755 --> 00:04:58,799 MAN #1: Oh, I can part the Red Sea. 108 00:04:58,882 --> 00:05:01,677 You know he hasn't talked to his brother in three years? 109 00:05:03,512 --> 00:05:04,972 All right, listen up. 110 00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:07,766 Before we go any further, I'm gonna lay down a few rules, all right? 111 00:05:07,850 --> 00:05:09,977 Commandment Number One: Shut the hell up. 112 00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:13,522 Commandment Number Two: There's nothing I can do about the sun. 113 00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:14,815 Commandment Number Three: 114 00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:17,651 There are no more Jolly Ranchers, they're all gone. 115 00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:19,194 Commandment Number Four: 116 00:05:19,278 --> 00:05:22,322 When we pass a billboard, please don't read it out loud, all right? 117 00:05:22,406 --> 00:05:23,740 Now, come on, let's get going. 118 00:05:27,202 --> 00:05:28,245 MAN #1: Ooh, look at that. 119 00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,205 "Danny Gans, Entertainer of the Year." 120 00:05:30,289 --> 00:05:31,665 What did I say? 121 00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:33,750 MAN #2: "Hassle-free checking." MOSES: Damn it! 122 00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,587 -MAN #3: "Mancow in the morning." -Shut up! 123 00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,714 Peter, can we stop the stories for a minute? 124 00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:40,966 We need to figure out how we're gonna survive. 125 00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:42,718 I mean, is there even any food in here? 126 00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:44,219 Right, good thinking. 127 00:05:44,303 --> 00:05:45,554 Meg, go get us some sandwiches. 128 00:05:45,637 --> 00:05:46,847 Wait a minute, that's a great idea. 129 00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:48,432 If Meg can get through the vent, 130 00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:49,558 she can sneak out and go get help. 131 00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:51,351 Dad, I can't go through the vent. 132 00:05:51,435 --> 00:05:54,104 Yeah, she's right. We need to grease her up so she doesn't get stuck. 133 00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:55,480 Everybody, spit on Meg. 134 00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:58,567 Stop! Stop! Ah! Stop! Okay, okay! 135 00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:01,570 I meant I can't do it because there are burglars down there. 136 00:06:01,653 --> 00:06:03,113 Come on, they're not gonna touch you. 137 00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:04,239 You're covered with spit. 138 00:06:04,323 --> 00:06:05,908 Be careful, Meg. 139 00:06:05,991 --> 00:06:08,243 (Meg screaming) 140 00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:09,745 I hate you all! 141 00:06:09,828 --> 00:06:11,413 Hey, I hate you too, bitch. 142 00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:13,624 Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine? 143 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,589 You think Meg made it through the vent? 144 00:06:20,672 --> 00:06:22,049 Well, let's find out. 145 00:06:23,842 --> 00:06:25,469 Oh, there she is. She's in the kitchen. 146 00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:28,472 Hey, Meg. I see you there in the kitchen. 147 00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,557 Put my sandwich on whole wheat, please. 148 00:06:30,641 --> 00:06:31,975 No, no, no, no, don't--don't use that mustard. 149 00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:33,435 Use the other mustard. 150 00:06:33,519 --> 00:06:34,895 Oh, God, Meg, they know you're there. 151 00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:36,271 Quick, scrape that mustard off. 152 00:06:36,355 --> 00:06:37,481 Use the other mustard! 153 00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:41,527 Oh, no. The burglars got my baby. 154 00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:44,238 I think they're making a sign to tell us something. 155 00:06:44,321 --> 00:06:47,574 Better not be using my crayons, mixing them up. 156 00:06:49,243 --> 00:06:50,744 "We have your son." 157 00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:52,663 Meg's our daughter. 158 00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:57,376 Peter, do something! 159 00:06:57,459 --> 00:07:01,547 You know, Meg being captured by evil men reminds me of another story. 160 00:07:01,630 --> 00:07:03,173 It's distracting. 161 00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:06,134 Um, this is the story of my ancestor Nate Griffin. 162 00:07:06,218 --> 00:07:08,512 Of course, Nate Griffin was his slave name. 163 00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:10,681 His real name was Richard Bachman. 164 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:13,433 And this is the story of his roots. 165 00:07:13,517 --> 00:07:18,355 It all began in Africa in the tiny village of Quahogswana 166 00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:21,942 where he was a proud member of the tribe of Tootie-and-Blair. 167 00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:24,361 Hey, Quagdingo, how was your date last night? 168 00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:27,114 Oh, it was awesome. You never feel as big as you do with a pygmy. 169 00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:30,492 Hey, you guys wanna go get a drink at Club 227? 170 00:07:30,576 --> 00:07:31,702 Not today, Joemama. 171 00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,912 I'm going off to find a log to build a drum, 172 00:07:33,996 --> 00:07:36,206 so I can play the opening part from Hot For Teacher. 173 00:07:36,290 --> 00:07:37,374 I'll see you guys later. 174 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:38,584 Coming up in this half hour, 175 00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:41,420 flies on your face: how many is too many? 176 00:07:41,503 --> 00:07:42,921 But first, that orange thing in the sky 177 00:07:43,005 --> 00:07:44,882 and what you can do to please it. 178 00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:51,638 You know, you shouldn't be poking around out here. 179 00:07:51,722 --> 00:07:53,140 White men have been spotted nearby, 180 00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:57,269 laying traps and forming slo-pitch softball leagues. 181 00:07:57,352 --> 00:07:58,687 Well, whatever makes them happy. 182 00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:00,731 Live and let live, that's what I say. 183 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,399 And I'm sure that's what they say, too. 184 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:05,694 Hello. I'm Cleveland from South Carolina. 185 00:08:05,777 --> 00:08:07,487 Wow, you're a different color than me. 186 00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:09,156 Would you like to be equals? 187 00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:18,415 -Hey, you wanna play I Spy again? -No! 188 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,459 I spy something beige. 189 00:08:20,542 --> 00:08:22,002 Wood. Yeah. 190 00:08:22,085 --> 00:08:24,713 Hello and welcome to the news at what I suspect is dawn. 191 00:08:24,796 --> 00:08:26,548 Our top story continues to be, 192 00:08:26,632 --> 00:08:28,717 where is this giant canoe heading? 193 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:30,093 But first, let's go to Ollie Williams 194 00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:32,137 with the portside window report. 195 00:08:32,221 --> 00:08:33,514 Ollie? I saw a fish! 196 00:08:33,597 --> 00:08:35,015 Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. 197 00:08:35,098 --> 00:08:36,266 (both snoring) 198 00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:44,733 Hey, guys, one of my cuffs is loose. 199 00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:47,027 If we can break out of here, I've got an idea 200 00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:50,364 how to give the captain of this boat what he deserves. 201 00:08:51,323 --> 00:08:52,491 (door creaking) 202 00:08:57,538 --> 00:08:58,789 Hey, where's the captain? 203 00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:01,542 I don't know. I haven't seen him all morning. 204 00:09:01,625 --> 00:09:04,711 Are you ready for the summer? 205 00:09:04,795 --> 00:09:07,589 Are you ready for the sunshine? 206 00:09:07,673 --> 00:09:09,216 Are you ready for... 207 00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:10,509 (all cheering) 208 00:09:10,592 --> 00:09:11,718 You dirty... 209 00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:17,307 (laughing) This is gonna be the best summer ever. 210 00:09:17,391 --> 00:09:19,309 And it was. 211 00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:22,437 But Nate soon found himself put to work on a Southern plantation. 212 00:09:22,521 --> 00:09:23,981 It was way down there. 213 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,232 You know, where you stop seeing Howard Johnsons 214 00:09:25,315 --> 00:09:26,733 and you start seeing Stuckey's. 215 00:09:26,817 --> 00:09:28,360 Anyway, it was a horrible place 216 00:09:28,443 --> 00:09:30,362 where they took away everybody's African names 217 00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:32,406 and gave them new names. 218 00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:34,575 What's your name? 219 00:09:34,658 --> 00:09:35,993 Tobi with an "I." 220 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:38,912 With an accent over the "I," and a little line over the "O," 221 00:09:38,996 --> 00:09:42,040 so you know it's a long vowel sound and not a short one. 222 00:09:42,124 --> 00:09:43,834 And sometimes I like to dot the "I" 223 00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,670 with a little smiley face or a heart or something. 224 00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,672 Something to brighten the reader's day. 225 00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,174 I asked you what your name was. 226 00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:53,677 Honey, you keep that up, it's whatever you want it to be. 227 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,053 Of course, back then, the South 228 00:09:55,137 --> 00:09:57,723 was a very different place than it is today. 229 00:09:57,806 --> 00:09:59,892 A backward place where they didn't believe in science 230 00:09:59,975 --> 00:10:02,102 and hated others just for being different. 231 00:10:02,186 --> 00:10:05,022 Time has a way of changing a place and its people. 232 00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:07,524 Uh, excuse me. Hi. Yeah, is--is there, like, 233 00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:09,902 a human resources guy we could talk to? 234 00:10:09,985 --> 00:10:13,113 -Um, I have a work-related grievance. -What? 235 00:10:13,197 --> 00:10:15,908 Yeah, the quarters are too crowded, the hours are long, 236 00:10:15,991 --> 00:10:19,203 and, uh, you know, I don't like to be "this guy," 237 00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:23,874 but a couple of the overseers have been making racial slurs. 238 00:10:26,919 --> 00:10:29,755 And then, all of a sudden, he saw her. 239 00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:32,216 Lois Laura Bush Lynne Cheney Pewterschmidt, 240 00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:34,259 the plantation owner's daughter. 241 00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:37,638 Of course, ordinarily, black guys aren'tattracted to white women, 242 00:10:37,721 --> 00:10:39,264 but she was something different. 243 00:10:39,348 --> 00:10:42,100 As a poet might say, she was the kind of woman 244 00:10:42,184 --> 00:10:44,645 you just want to have sex with over and over. 245 00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:47,898 With the kind of breasts you just wanna push together 246 00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,983 so she looks like a cross-eyed torso. 247 00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:52,611 He knew he had to have her. 248 00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:57,991 (stones tapping) 249 00:11:02,704 --> 00:11:04,081 (neighing) 250 00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:10,504 Is someone there? 251 00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:12,256 Lois! Who are you? 252 00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:13,674 Hi. I'm Nate Griffin. 253 00:11:13,757 --> 00:11:15,175 I work against my will for your dad. 254 00:11:15,259 --> 00:11:17,219 Oh, yeah? Well, what do you do? 255 00:11:17,302 --> 00:11:19,638 Well, let's just say I know my way around a hoe. 256 00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:22,057 (both chuckling) 257 00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:26,186 And from the moment that piece of off-color blue comedy was uttered, 258 00:11:26,270 --> 00:11:28,355 their lives were changed forever. 259 00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:31,567 -You wanna do it? You bet -your sweet black ass I do. 260 00:11:31,650 --> 00:11:36,154 So for the next 15 years, they raised a family in secrecy. 261 00:11:36,238 --> 00:11:39,074 Supper's ready! Come and get it, kids! 262 00:11:39,157 --> 00:11:42,077 You know the best part about being half-black and half-white? 263 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,997 When I grow up, I'll be accepted by everybody. 264 00:11:45,122 --> 00:11:46,415 A-ha! 265 00:11:46,498 --> 00:11:47,583 (gasps) Daddy! 266 00:11:47,666 --> 00:11:48,917 Just as I thought! 267 00:11:49,001 --> 00:11:51,920 Lois, how in God's name could you embarrass the family like this? 268 00:11:52,004 --> 00:11:54,590 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Sitting right here. 269 00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:56,550 Daddy, you're the embarrassment. 270 00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:57,759 Nate and I love each other! 271 00:11:57,843 --> 00:12:00,888 Tell it to the authorities, because you're all going to jail! 272 00:12:01,805 --> 00:12:03,974 Run! 273 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,476 And so they set off on their escape to the North. 274 00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:09,438 Luckily, they were helped by Nate's good friend, Al Cowlings, 275 00:12:09,521 --> 00:12:11,982 who showed up on his trusty white bronco. 276 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,276 But the law was hot on their trail. 277 00:12:18,447 --> 00:12:20,741 Well, we're getting a good view of the chase from up here, Tom. 278 00:12:20,824 --> 00:12:23,994 That's right, Diane. We're looking at Nate Griffin and Al Cowlings, 279 00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:25,579 the man we believe to be Al Cowlings. 280 00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:27,080 We'll stay with the chase. 281 00:12:27,164 --> 00:12:29,416 Um, it seems like a futile effort on their part, Diane. 282 00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:32,211 At some point, that horse is going to have to stop and eat some grain. 283 00:12:32,294 --> 00:12:33,879 But luck was on their side 284 00:12:33,962 --> 00:12:36,256 and eventually, they made it to the North. 285 00:12:36,340 --> 00:12:37,966 After that, Nate devoted his life 286 00:12:38,050 --> 00:12:39,218 to getting back at the white man 287 00:12:39,301 --> 00:12:41,053 for the injustice of slavery 288 00:12:41,136 --> 00:12:43,764 by inventing the Department of Motor Vehicles. 289 00:12:43,847 --> 00:12:46,183 -Sir, did you fill out the 1170? -I think I did. 290 00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:48,519 Did you fill out the 1170? I filled this out. 291 00:12:48,602 --> 00:12:51,063 That's the 1190. You're gonna have to go stand in the blue line. 292 00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:52,272 Look, I was already in that line. 293 00:12:52,356 --> 00:12:53,398 Sir, don't get snippy with me. 294 00:12:53,482 --> 00:12:54,858 What? I've been here all morning. 295 00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:56,193 That is not my prerogative, sir. 296 00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:57,778 I-I wait in one line, they send me to another line... 297 00:12:57,861 --> 00:12:59,696 You know what? You can always call to make an appointment. 298 00:12:59,780 --> 00:13:00,822 I tried to call! I can't get through. 299 00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:02,074 The line's always busy! It's ridiculous. 300 00:13:02,157 --> 00:13:03,408 You can go wait in the appointment line, then. 301 00:13:03,492 --> 00:13:04,910 I know! I don't wanna wait! Sir, I can't help you. 302 00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:06,161 (indistinct arguing) 303 00:13:06,245 --> 00:13:07,579 You're gonna have to take that somewhere else. 304 00:13:07,663 --> 00:13:09,122 -It shouldn't be this hard! -You know what? I'm on break. 305 00:13:09,206 --> 00:13:10,916 Peter, enough with the storytelling. 306 00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:13,168 We gotta get outta here! They're gonna kill Meg! 307 00:13:13,252 --> 00:13:16,088 Oh, yeah? Over Meg's dead body. 308 00:13:17,381 --> 00:13:19,550 Hey! A flare gun. Good idea, Peter. 309 00:13:19,633 --> 00:13:20,968 If we angle it through the vent, 310 00:13:21,051 --> 00:13:22,719 we might be able to alert the authorities. 311 00:13:24,930 --> 00:13:26,849 Oh, my God! We're gonna drown! 312 00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:28,684 We'll be fine. Here, put these on. 313 00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:30,102 Peter, these are parachutes. 314 00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:32,145 What are we supposed to do with these? 315 00:13:32,229 --> 00:13:33,647 They're supposed to distract you 316 00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:35,566 while I put on the one scuba suit. 317 00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:46,994 (coughing) 318 00:13:47,077 --> 00:13:48,120 What's the matter? 319 00:13:48,203 --> 00:13:49,329 That wasn't oxygen. 320 00:13:49,413 --> 00:13:51,373 That was a tank of Tony Danza's breath. 321 00:13:51,456 --> 00:13:53,292 I wonder who got my oxygen tank. 322 00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:55,711 Kiss me, Tony. 323 00:13:55,794 --> 00:13:58,255 I want your breath inside me. 324 00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:00,841 (inhaling) 325 00:14:00,924 --> 00:14:01,967 Hey! 326 00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:04,178 Well, as long as death is staring us in the face, 327 00:14:04,261 --> 00:14:06,680 I might as well tell you about my great-grandfather, 328 00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:10,017 who was the greatest silent movie star of the '20s. 329 00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:12,644 His name was Willie "Black-Eye" Griffin, 330 00:14:12,728 --> 00:14:16,148 and his ocular misadventures made him a star. 331 00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:21,153 (music playing) 332 00:15:19,503 --> 00:15:20,546 (no dialogue) 333 00:15:38,272 --> 00:15:39,690 "Black-Eye" Griffin and his family 334 00:15:39,773 --> 00:15:41,733 were among the wealthiest people in Hollywood. 335 00:15:41,817 --> 00:15:44,820 They spent their idle time cavorting, doing the Charleston, 336 00:15:44,903 --> 00:15:48,073 and enjoying America's prosperity following World War I, 337 00:15:48,156 --> 00:15:51,451 which, at that time, was called International Civil War II. 338 00:15:51,535 --> 00:15:53,662 But the golden years soon ended. 339 00:15:53,745 --> 00:15:55,581 Sadly, "Black-Eye" Griffin's voice 340 00:15:55,664 --> 00:15:57,916 just wasn't right for the talking pictures. 341 00:16:01,253 --> 00:16:03,463 Pardon me, madam. I'm the truant officer. 342 00:16:03,547 --> 00:16:06,466 I found these two children of yours playing hooky from school. 343 00:16:06,550 --> 00:16:10,387 Oh, my! This will never do, will it, dear? 344 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,556 (babbling) Chris, you gotta... You gotta... 345 00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:14,892 It's important for you to get an education! 346 00:16:14,975 --> 00:16:17,519 Get in there and finish your homework! 347 00:16:17,603 --> 00:16:20,731 It was a simpler time. It was a better time. 348 00:16:20,814 --> 00:16:24,526 Well, no matter what happens to us, I just hope Meg's okay. 349 00:16:25,903 --> 00:16:27,946 So, is... Is this, like, the part 350 00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:30,157 -where you guys have your way with me? -What? 351 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:31,992 You know, where I'm, like, helpless, 352 00:16:32,075 --> 00:16:34,286 and you guys take turns. You know? 353 00:16:34,369 --> 00:16:38,081 Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, no, no, no, no! 354 00:16:38,165 --> 00:16:39,333 BURGLAR: What did she say? 355 00:16:39,416 --> 00:16:41,293 She asked if we were gonna have our way with her. 356 00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:43,837 -Ew! -Seriously. I won't scream or anything. 357 00:16:43,921 --> 00:16:46,632 No! No! I... I... No. No sale. 358 00:16:46,715 --> 00:16:47,883 Come on! I'm pretty! 359 00:16:47,966 --> 00:16:49,176 (screaming) 360 00:16:49,927 --> 00:16:51,094 (panting) 361 00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:52,346 Are you okay? 362 00:16:52,429 --> 00:16:54,264 Yeah. I was so scared. 363 00:16:54,348 --> 00:16:56,558 Well, it sure would suck if you guys died 364 00:16:56,642 --> 00:16:59,186 without hearing the story of my great-uncle, Peter Hitler, 365 00:16:59,269 --> 00:17:00,687 who was Adolf's favorite brother. 366 00:17:03,732 --> 00:17:05,108 Hey, there you are. 367 00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:07,986 Hey, you ready to go check out that new skin flick over at the Boobengarden? 368 00:17:08,070 --> 00:17:09,780 Peter, can't you see I'm busy? 369 00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:11,156 Yeah? What are you doing? 370 00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,450 Stuff? Yes. 371 00:17:13,534 --> 00:17:14,785 Nazi stuff? 372 00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:16,745 Yes, Peter. Nazi stuff. 373 00:17:16,828 --> 00:17:18,163 Can I help? 374 00:17:18,247 --> 00:17:19,998 No, Peter. Just let me work, all right? 375 00:17:20,082 --> 00:17:22,334 All right, all right. Okay. All right. 376 00:17:23,168 --> 00:17:25,170 (sputtering) 377 00:17:32,177 --> 00:17:33,846 Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look. 378 00:17:33,929 --> 00:17:35,097 Addy, I'm Tojo. 379 00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:37,766 Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo. 380 00:17:37,850 --> 00:17:40,644 (humming) 381 00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:41,979 I am from Japan. 382 00:17:42,062 --> 00:17:43,230 (imitating gong) 383 00:17:43,313 --> 00:17:44,690 (groans) 384 00:17:44,982 --> 00:17:46,608 (exclaims) 385 00:17:46,692 --> 00:17:47,818 Sweet! 386 00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:51,655 (imitating gunfire) 387 00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:54,992 That's what a gun sounds like. 388 00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:56,159 Will you stop that? 389 00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:57,744 Hey, can I borrow 50 Marks? 390 00:17:57,828 --> 00:18:00,455 Oh, what happened to the 50 Marks I gave you last week? 391 00:18:00,539 --> 00:18:02,457 Oh, come on. Your girlfriend's not cheap. 392 00:18:02,541 --> 00:18:04,501 Ooh! (chuckling) 393 00:18:04,585 --> 00:18:07,212 Just kidding. Oh, look at your face. 394 00:18:07,296 --> 00:18:08,964 Hey, whatever happened with that art school? 395 00:18:09,047 --> 00:18:10,507 You ever gonna take another crack at that? 396 00:18:10,591 --> 00:18:12,050 Look, I'm going to do a rally. 397 00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:13,927 I'll be back in an hour. 398 00:18:14,011 --> 00:18:16,221 A rally? Sweet. 399 00:18:16,305 --> 00:18:18,223 (crowd cheering) 400 00:18:18,307 --> 00:18:21,185 The days of despair and hardship are over! 401 00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:23,854 Today begins a new order! 402 00:18:23,937 --> 00:18:25,898 All of Europe will tremble 403 00:18:25,981 --> 00:18:29,860 as Germany takes its rightful place as ruler of the world! 404 00:18:29,943 --> 00:18:31,028 Oh, yeah! 405 00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:35,199 Yes. As I was saying, the time for victory is upon us! 406 00:18:35,282 --> 00:18:37,659 Victory up the ass, baby! Yeah, come on! 407 00:18:37,743 --> 00:18:41,038 A new-- A new world! A better world! 408 00:18:41,121 --> 00:18:42,789 A German world! 409 00:18:42,873 --> 00:18:47,127 Yeah! Germanator! I'll be back! Whoo! Yeah! 410 00:18:47,211 --> 00:18:49,671 We will emerge as the dominant people! 411 00:18:49,755 --> 00:18:51,715 And it's all 'cause of you guys. You know what? 412 00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:54,593 You guys, with your marching, and your letters, and your phone calls... 413 00:18:54,676 --> 00:18:56,595 This--This is all thanks to you. 414 00:18:56,678 --> 00:18:58,722 You--You made this happen, you guys. 415 00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:00,015 You know... My God. 416 00:19:00,098 --> 00:19:01,225 Give yourselves a round of applause. 417 00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:03,685 Come on. You deserve it. You deserve it. 418 00:19:05,521 --> 00:19:08,398 Hey, what do you say we all head over to the Boozenpuken, eh? 419 00:19:08,482 --> 00:19:11,693 Free beer on this motherfuhrer! Eh? Come on! 420 00:19:11,777 --> 00:19:13,529 (all cheering) 421 00:19:13,612 --> 00:19:16,240 Well, that's pretty much all there is to tell, kids. 422 00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:19,368 The Griffin family history is a rich tapestry. 423 00:19:19,451 --> 00:19:20,994 But since we're all gonna die, 424 00:19:21,078 --> 00:19:24,456 there's one more secret I feel I have to share with you. 425 00:19:24,540 --> 00:19:27,459 -I did not care for The Godfather. -What? 426 00:19:27,543 --> 00:19:29,169 Did not care for The Godfather. 427 00:19:29,253 --> 00:19:30,587 How can you even say that, Dad? 428 00:19:30,671 --> 00:19:31,922 Didn't like... Didn't like it. 429 00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:34,341 Peter, it's so good. It--It's like the perfect movie. 430 00:19:34,424 --> 00:19:36,510 This is what everyone always says whenever... 431 00:19:36,593 --> 00:19:38,554 Robert De Niro, Al Pacino... 432 00:19:38,637 --> 00:19:41,348 I mean, you never see... Robert Duvall! 433 00:19:41,431 --> 00:19:43,183 (stuttering) I know. Fine, fine actor. 434 00:19:43,267 --> 00:19:44,393 Did not like the movie. 435 00:19:44,476 --> 00:19:46,228 -Why not? Did not... -Couldn't get into it. 436 00:19:46,311 --> 00:19:48,230 Explain yourself. What didn't you like about it? 437 00:19:48,313 --> 00:19:50,315 -It--It insists upon itself, Lois. -What? 438 00:19:50,399 --> 00:19:52,401 It insists upon itself. What does that even mean? 439 00:19:52,484 --> 00:19:55,028 'Cause it has a valid point to make, it's insistent! 440 00:19:55,112 --> 00:19:57,406 It takes forever getting in, and then you spend, you know, 441 00:19:57,489 --> 00:19:59,032 like six-and-a-half hours, and then, you know, 442 00:19:59,116 --> 00:20:01,034 I can't even get through it. I can't even finish the movie. 443 00:20:01,118 --> 00:20:03,453 -I've never even seen the ending. -You've never seen the ending? 444 00:20:03,537 --> 00:20:04,663 Well, how can you say you don't like it 445 00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:06,582 if you haven't even given it a chance? 446 00:20:06,665 --> 00:20:08,917 -I agree with Stewie. It's not fair. -It's outrageous. 447 00:20:09,001 --> 00:20:11,628 I have tried on three separate occasions to get through it, 448 00:20:11,712 --> 00:20:12,796 and I... I get to the scene where all the guys 449 00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:14,506 are sitting around on the easy chairs... 450 00:20:14,590 --> 00:20:17,301 -That's a great scene. I love that scene. -It's noted in every annal. 451 00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:18,844 I have no idea what they're talking about. 452 00:20:18,927 --> 00:20:20,470 It's like they're speaking a different language. 453 00:20:20,554 --> 00:20:23,098 -That's where I lose interest and go away. -They're speaking Italian! 454 00:20:23,182 --> 00:20:25,309 The language they're speaking is the language of subtlety, 455 00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:26,810 something you don't understand. 456 00:20:26,894 --> 00:20:28,353 I love The Money Pit. 457 00:20:28,437 --> 00:20:30,230 That is my answer to that statement. 458 00:20:30,314 --> 00:20:32,274 Exactly. Well, there you go. 459 00:20:32,357 --> 00:20:34,526 Whatever. I like that movie, too. 460 00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:38,280 Thank God you guys are okay! 461 00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:41,033 Wow! You saved our lives, Mr. Swanson! 462 00:20:41,116 --> 00:20:42,326 We've captured the burglars. 463 00:20:42,409 --> 00:20:43,744 Oh, thank God. 464 00:20:43,827 --> 00:20:46,914 Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual harassment charges 465 00:20:46,997 --> 00:20:47,998 against your daughter. 466 00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:49,750 Well, that was a close call. 467 00:20:49,833 --> 00:20:50,834 You know... 468 00:20:50,918 --> 00:20:52,878 Meg should probably get a lawyer. 469 00:20:52,961 --> 00:20:56,757 Oh, sweetie, thank you for keeping our spirits up with your stories. 470 00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,383 Your daughter's a sexual predator. 471 00:20:58,467 --> 00:21:01,345 If you don't do anything, she could go to jail for a long time. 472 00:21:01,428 --> 00:21:03,263 Don't thank me, Lois. Thank my ancestors 473 00:21:03,347 --> 00:21:05,516 for living lives of greatness. 474 00:21:05,599 --> 00:21:07,267 All right, guys, just take her away. 475 00:21:07,351 --> 00:21:08,477 Dad, help! 476 00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:09,603 (Meg screaming) 477 00:21:09,686 --> 00:21:12,397 Dad! Have fun at the dance, Meg. 478 00:21:12,481 --> 00:21:14,900 I hope she does. That kid really deserves it. 479 00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:20,531 (theme music playing) 36599

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