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1
00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:04,546
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,630 --> 00:00:08,300
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:11,470
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,553 --> 00:00:14,598
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:17,893
Lucky there's a Family Guy
6
00:00:17,976 --> 00:00:21,480
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:23,065
All the things
that make us
8
00:00:23,148 --> 00:00:24,608
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:29,863
He's... a...
Fam...ily... Guy
10
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:37,120
-Peter, did you brush your teeth?
-Nah.
11
00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:38,997
-Peter, brush your teeth.
-I don't wanna.
12
00:00:39,081 --> 00:00:40,374
Peter, brush your teeth.
13
00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:41,750
No, it's stupid.
14
00:00:41,834 --> 00:00:43,961
Well, I guess
we're gonna have to do this the hard way.
15
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,128
No!
Open your mouth.
16
00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:46,505
No! No!
Peter, open your mouth!
17
00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:48,215
-(screaming) Show me your teeth!
-Show me your teeth!
18
00:00:48,298 --> 00:00:50,592
(glass shattering)
Peter, did you hear that?
19
00:00:57,641 --> 00:01:00,269
Oh, my God, there are men
breaking into our house.
20
00:01:00,352 --> 00:01:01,895
Dad, what is it?
What's going on?
21
00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:03,105
I heard a noise.
22
00:01:03,188 --> 00:01:05,315
Is somebody downstairs?
23
00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:07,442
Oh, God, Meg, you startled me.
I'm sorry.
24
00:01:07,526 --> 00:01:09,570
What the hell's your problem,
you dumbass?
25
00:01:09,653 --> 00:01:11,154
What the deuce
is all the commotion?
26
00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:12,865
Quick,
everyone get in the attic.
27
00:01:17,452 --> 00:01:19,663
Peter, what is that?
28
00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:21,540
Well, I got the idea
to build a panic room
29
00:01:21,623 --> 00:01:24,042
after I saw that movie,
The Butterfly Effect.
30
00:01:24,126 --> 00:01:26,211
I thought,
"Wow, this is terrible.
31
00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:27,671
"I wish I could escape
to a place
32
00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:29,464
where this movie
couldn't find me,"
33
00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:31,842
-and then-- What the hell
-are we waiting for?
34
00:01:34,803 --> 00:01:36,638
These monitors
are for watching the house.
35
00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:39,391
See, there's
Stewie's room, Chris' room, Meg's room...
36
00:01:39,474 --> 00:01:40,601
Peter,
there's no phone in here.
37
00:01:40,684 --> 00:01:41,727
How are we
gonna call the police?
38
00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:43,312
Oh, my God.
We're all gonna die!
39
00:01:43,395 --> 00:01:44,646
That's not true.
40
00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:46,440
We'll survive by
eating each other.
41
00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:50,319
But I think it's important for the last
one of us left alive to know this story.
42
00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:53,447
The story
of the Griffin family history.
43
00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:54,823
Here's how it all began.
44
00:01:54,907 --> 00:01:57,367
Everything started
with the Big Bang.
45
00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:58,785
It was a Saturday night,
46
00:01:58,869 --> 00:02:01,205
and God
and his roommate Chugs were arm wrestling.
47
00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:03,707
(chuckling) You're
going down, man.
48
00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:05,125
(farts)
49
00:02:05,209 --> 00:02:07,377
Oh, dude, that is sick.
50
00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:09,421
Yeah! Undefeated!
51
00:02:09,505 --> 00:02:13,634
Oh, wait, wait, wait. Here--Here comes
another one. Quick, give me your lighter.
52
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:14,885
(loud bang)
53
00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:23,519
Then, over millions of years,
evolution took its course.
54
00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:33,779
Of course, I'm obligated
by the state of Kansas
55
00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:37,574
to present the church's alternative
to the theory of evolution.
56
00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:40,869
(theme from
I Dream of Jeannie playing)
57
00:02:51,547 --> 00:02:53,465
After that,
a meteor hit the earth,
58
00:02:53,549 --> 00:02:55,717
turning it
into a block of ice for some reason.
59
00:02:55,801 --> 00:02:58,637
But then it thawed
and cavemen came.
60
00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:02,474
Why Peter look sad?
61
00:03:02,558 --> 00:03:05,978
Brian, Peter invent wheel.
Peter show wheel to people in town,
62
00:03:06,061 --> 00:03:07,271
but no one want wheel.
63
00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:09,314
Everyone excited
about trapezoid.
64
00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:10,524
No one buy wheel.
65
00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:12,067
Peter, you invent wheel?
66
00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:13,402
That big breakthrough.
67
00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:14,736
This maybe
make you millionaire.
68
00:03:14,820 --> 00:03:17,030
Then how come no
one buy Peter wheel?
69
00:03:17,114 --> 00:03:18,782
Maybe sales pitch
not good enough.
70
00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:20,033
Brian help.
71
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,454
Okay, sell wheel
just like practice.
72
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:25,706
Not sure can do it.
73
00:03:25,789 --> 00:03:27,749
You so money.
Don't know it.
74
00:03:27,833 --> 00:03:29,126
Hi, me Peter.
75
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:30,961
Tired walking everyplace?
76
00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:32,296
Need something make you go?
77
00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:34,214
Peter wheel make you go.
78
00:03:34,298 --> 00:03:36,550
Maybe Joe
want try wheel on chair.
79
00:03:36,633 --> 00:03:38,594
For last time, Joe no want.
80
00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:40,470
(screaming)
81
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:44,183
Brian, Peter fail again.
82
00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:47,436
Not so fast.
Brian have other idea.
83
00:03:47,519 --> 00:03:50,522
Anyone buy
wheel get dead bird.
84
00:03:50,606 --> 00:03:51,857
(all mumbling)
85
00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:54,026
Not working.
Try drastic measure.
86
00:03:54,109 --> 00:03:56,111
Brian, what hell?
87
00:03:56,195 --> 00:03:57,321
Hot lady next to wheel.
88
00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:58,864
Make me want wheel.
89
00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:02,409
Maybe if me buy wheel,
me get pretty lady, too. I buy wheel.
90
00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:04,536
(all clamoring)
91
00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:07,539
People want Peter wheel
thanks to sexy wife.
92
00:04:07,623 --> 00:04:10,459
Tonight you and me
party like it's 9.
93
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:14,713
Damn all. What deuce?
Victory Stewie's.
94
00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:17,716
There have been
many great Griffins throughout history,
95
00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:20,969
including Moses Griffin,
who led the Jews out of Egypt.
96
00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:25,390
All right, it's gonna be
a long journey, everyone,
97
00:04:25,474 --> 00:04:27,309
but I will lead you
to freedom.
98
00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:29,770
Now, Jews, ho!
99
00:04:33,482 --> 00:04:35,400
Here we are, the Red Sea.
100
00:04:35,484 --> 00:04:37,319
Now, all we gotta do
is swim across.
101
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:38,403
I didn't bring
my trunks.
102
00:04:38,487 --> 00:04:40,239
I don't want
to step on a shell.
103
00:04:40,322 --> 00:04:41,990
I can't get water
in my ears.
104
00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:43,200
I ate 20 minutes ago.
105
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:46,328
You know, what they flush
in Cairo ends up right here.
106
00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:49,206
(sighs) All right,
I'll see what I can do.
107
00:04:56,755 --> 00:04:58,799
MAN #1: Oh,
I can part the Red Sea.
108
00:04:58,882 --> 00:05:01,677
You know he hasn't
talked to his brother in three years?
109
00:05:03,512 --> 00:05:04,972
All right, listen up.
110
00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:07,766
Before we go any further,
I'm gonna lay down a few rules, all right?
111
00:05:07,850 --> 00:05:09,977
Commandment Number One:
Shut the hell up.
112
00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:13,522
Commandment Number Two:
There's nothing I can do about the sun.
113
00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:14,815
Commandment Number Three:
114
00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:17,651
There are
no more Jolly Ranchers, they're all gone.
115
00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:19,194
Commandment Number Four:
116
00:05:19,278 --> 00:05:22,322
When we pass a billboard,
please don't read it out loud, all right?
117
00:05:22,406 --> 00:05:23,740
Now, come on,
let's get going.
118
00:05:27,202 --> 00:05:28,245
MAN #1:
Ooh, look at that.
119
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,205
"Danny Gans,
Entertainer of the Year."
120
00:05:30,289 --> 00:05:31,665
What did I say?
121
00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:33,750
MAN #2: "Hassle-free checking."
MOSES: Damn it!
122
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,587
-MAN #3: "Mancow in the morning."
-Shut up!
123
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,714
Peter,
can we stop the stories for a minute?
124
00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:40,966
We need to figure out
how we're gonna survive.
125
00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:42,718
I mean, is there
even any food in here?
126
00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:44,219
Right, good thinking.
127
00:05:44,303 --> 00:05:45,554
Meg,
go get us some sandwiches.
128
00:05:45,637 --> 00:05:46,847
Wait a minute,
that's a great idea.
129
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:48,432
If Meg
can get through the vent,
130
00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:49,558
she can sneak out
and go get help.
131
00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:51,351
Dad,
I can't go through the vent.
132
00:05:51,435 --> 00:05:54,104
Yeah, she's right. We need
to grease her up so she doesn't get stuck.
133
00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:55,480
Everybody, spit on Meg.
134
00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:58,567
Stop! Stop! Ah!
Stop! Okay, okay!
135
00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:01,570
I meant I can't do it
because there are burglars down there.
136
00:06:01,653 --> 00:06:03,113
Come on,
they're not gonna touch you.
137
00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:04,239
You're covered with spit.
138
00:06:04,323 --> 00:06:05,908
Be careful, Meg.
139
00:06:05,991 --> 00:06:08,243
(Meg screaming)
140
00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:09,745
I hate you all!
141
00:06:09,828 --> 00:06:11,413
Hey, I hate you too, bitch.
142
00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:13,624
Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding.
Can you imagine?
143
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,589
You think Meg
made it through the vent?
144
00:06:20,672 --> 00:06:22,049
Well, let's find out.
145
00:06:23,842 --> 00:06:25,469
Oh, there she is.
She's in the kitchen.
146
00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:28,472
Hey, Meg. I see you
there in the kitchen.
147
00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,557
Put my sandwich
on whole wheat, please.
148
00:06:30,641 --> 00:06:31,975
No, no, no, no,
don't--don't use that mustard.
149
00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:33,435
Use the other mustard.
150
00:06:33,519 --> 00:06:34,895
Oh, God, Meg,
they know you're there.
151
00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:36,271
Quick,
scrape that mustard off.
152
00:06:36,355 --> 00:06:37,481
Use the other mustard!
153
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:41,527
Oh, no.
The burglars got my baby.
154
00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:44,238
I think they're making a sign
to tell us something.
155
00:06:44,321 --> 00:06:47,574
Better not be
using my crayons, mixing them up.
156
00:06:49,243 --> 00:06:50,744
"We have your son."
157
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:52,663
Meg's our daughter.
158
00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:57,376
Peter, do something!
159
00:06:57,459 --> 00:07:01,547
You know, Meg being captured
by evil men reminds me of another story.
160
00:07:01,630 --> 00:07:03,173
It's distracting.
161
00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:06,134
Um, this is the story
of my ancestor Nate Griffin.
162
00:07:06,218 --> 00:07:08,512
Of course,
Nate Griffin was his slave name.
163
00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:10,681
His real name
was Richard Bachman.
164
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:13,433
And this
is the story of his roots.
165
00:07:13,517 --> 00:07:18,355
It all began in Africa
in the tiny village of Quahogswana
166
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:21,942
where he was a proud member
of the tribe of Tootie-and-Blair.
167
00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:24,361
Hey, Quagdingo,
how was your date last night?
168
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:27,114
Oh, it was awesome. You never feel
as big as you do with a pygmy.
169
00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:30,492
Hey, you guys
wanna go get a drink at Club 227?
170
00:07:30,576 --> 00:07:31,702
Not today, Joemama.
171
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,912
I'm going off to find
a log to build a drum,
172
00:07:33,996 --> 00:07:36,206
so I can play
the opening part from Hot For Teacher.
173
00:07:36,290 --> 00:07:37,374
I'll see you guys later.
174
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:38,584
Coming up in this half hour,
175
00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:41,420
flies on your face:
how many is too many?
176
00:07:41,503 --> 00:07:42,921
But first,
that orange thing in the sky
177
00:07:43,005 --> 00:07:44,882
and what you can do
to please it.
178
00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:51,638
You know, you shouldn't be
poking around out here.
179
00:07:51,722 --> 00:07:53,140
White men
have been spotted nearby,
180
00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:57,269
laying traps and forming
slo-pitch softball leagues.
181
00:07:57,352 --> 00:07:58,687
Well,
whatever makes them happy.
182
00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:00,731
Live and let live,
that's what I say.
183
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,399
And I'm sure
that's what they say, too.
184
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:05,694
Hello. I'm Cleveland
from South Carolina.
185
00:08:05,777 --> 00:08:07,487
Wow, you're
a different color than me.
186
00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:09,156
Would you like to be equals?
187
00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:18,415
-Hey, you wanna play I Spy again?
-No!
188
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,459
I spy something beige.
189
00:08:20,542 --> 00:08:22,002
Wood.
Yeah.
190
00:08:22,085 --> 00:08:24,713
Hello and welcome to the news
at what I suspect is dawn.
191
00:08:24,796 --> 00:08:26,548
Our top story
continues to be,
192
00:08:26,632 --> 00:08:28,717
where is this
giant canoe heading?
193
00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:30,093
But first,
let's go to Ollie Williams
194
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:32,137
with
the portside window report.
195
00:08:32,221 --> 00:08:33,514
Ollie?
I saw a fish!
196
00:08:33,597 --> 00:08:35,015
Thanks, Ollie.
And now, sleep.
197
00:08:35,098 --> 00:08:36,266
(both snoring)
198
00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:44,733
Hey, guys,
one of my cuffs is loose.
199
00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:47,027
If we can break out of here,
I've got an idea
200
00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:50,364
how to give
the captain of this boat what he deserves.
201
00:08:51,323 --> 00:08:52,491
(door creaking)
202
00:08:57,538 --> 00:08:58,789
Hey, where's the captain?
203
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:01,542
I don't know.
I haven't seen him all morning.
204
00:09:01,625 --> 00:09:04,711
Are you ready
for the summer?
205
00:09:04,795 --> 00:09:07,589
Are you ready
for the sunshine?
206
00:09:07,673 --> 00:09:09,216
Are you ready for...
207
00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:10,509
(all cheering)
208
00:09:10,592 --> 00:09:11,718
You dirty...
209
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:17,307
(laughing) This is gonna be
the best summer ever.
210
00:09:17,391 --> 00:09:19,309
And it was.
211
00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:22,437
But Nate soon found himself
put to work on a Southern plantation.
212
00:09:22,521 --> 00:09:23,981
It was way down there.
213
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,232
You know,
where you stop seeing Howard Johnsons
214
00:09:25,315 --> 00:09:26,733
and you start
seeing Stuckey's.
215
00:09:26,817 --> 00:09:28,360
Anyway,
it was a horrible place
216
00:09:28,443 --> 00:09:30,362
where they took away
everybody's African names
217
00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:32,406
and gave them new names.
218
00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:34,575
What's your name?
219
00:09:34,658 --> 00:09:35,993
Tobi with an "I."
220
00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:38,912
With an accent over the "I,"
and a little line over the "O,"
221
00:09:38,996 --> 00:09:42,040
so you know it's a long vowel sound
and not a short one.
222
00:09:42,124 --> 00:09:43,834
And sometimes
I like to dot the "I"
223
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,670
with a little smiley face
or a heart or something.
224
00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,672
Something
to brighten the reader's day.
225
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,174
I asked you
what your name was.
226
00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:53,677
Honey, you keep that up,
it's whatever you want it to be.
227
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,053
Of course,
back then, the South
228
00:09:55,137 --> 00:09:57,723
was a very different place
than it is today.
229
00:09:57,806 --> 00:09:59,892
A backward place
where they didn't believe in science
230
00:09:59,975 --> 00:10:02,102
and hated others
just for being different.
231
00:10:02,186 --> 00:10:05,022
Time has a way
of changing a place and its people.
232
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:07,524
Uh, excuse me.
Hi. Yeah, is--is there, like,
233
00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:09,902
a human resources guy
we could talk to?
234
00:10:09,985 --> 00:10:13,113
-Um, I have a work-related grievance.
-What?
235
00:10:13,197 --> 00:10:15,908
Yeah, the quarters are too crowded,
the hours are long,
236
00:10:15,991 --> 00:10:19,203
and, uh, you know,
I don't like to be "this guy,"
237
00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:23,874
but a couple of the overseers
have been making racial slurs.
238
00:10:26,919 --> 00:10:29,755
And then,
all of a sudden, he saw her.
239
00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:32,216
Lois Laura Bush
Lynne Cheney Pewterschmidt,
240
00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:34,259
the plantation
owner's daughter.
241
00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:37,638
Of course, ordinarily, black guys
aren'tattracted to white women,
242
00:10:37,721 --> 00:10:39,264
but she
was something different.
243
00:10:39,348 --> 00:10:42,100
As a poet might say,
she was the kind of woman
244
00:10:42,184 --> 00:10:44,645
you just want to have sex with
over and over.
245
00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:47,898
With the kind of breasts
you just wanna push together
246
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,983
so she looks
like a cross-eyed torso.
247
00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:52,611
He knew he had to have her.
248
00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:57,991
(stones tapping)
249
00:11:02,704 --> 00:11:04,081
(neighing)
250
00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:10,504
Is someone there?
251
00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:12,256
Lois!
Who are you?
252
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:13,674
Hi. I'm Nate Griffin.
253
00:11:13,757 --> 00:11:15,175
I work against my will
for your dad.
254
00:11:15,259 --> 00:11:17,219
Oh, yeah?
Well, what do you do?
255
00:11:17,302 --> 00:11:19,638
Well, let's just say
I know my way around a hoe.
256
00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:22,057
(both chuckling)
257
00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:26,186
And from the moment that piece of
off-color blue comedy was uttered,
258
00:11:26,270 --> 00:11:28,355
their lives
were changed forever.
259
00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:31,567
-You wanna do it? You bet
-your sweet black ass I do.
260
00:11:31,650 --> 00:11:36,154
So for the next 15 years,
they raised a family in secrecy.
261
00:11:36,238 --> 00:11:39,074
Supper's ready!
Come and get it, kids!
262
00:11:39,157 --> 00:11:42,077
You know the best part
about being half-black and half-white?
263
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,997
When I grow up, I'll be
accepted by everybody.
264
00:11:45,122 --> 00:11:46,415
A-ha!
265
00:11:46,498 --> 00:11:47,583
(gasps) Daddy!
266
00:11:47,666 --> 00:11:48,917
Just as I thought!
267
00:11:49,001 --> 00:11:51,920
Lois, how in God's name
could you embarrass the family like this?
268
00:11:52,004 --> 00:11:54,590
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Sitting right here.
269
00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:56,550
Daddy,
you're the embarrassment.
270
00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:57,759
Nate and I love each other!
271
00:11:57,843 --> 00:12:00,888
Tell it to the authorities,
because you're all going to jail!
272
00:12:01,805 --> 00:12:03,974
Run!
273
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,476
And so they set off on
their escape to the North.
274
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:09,438
Luckily, they were helped
by Nate's good friend, Al Cowlings,
275
00:12:09,521 --> 00:12:11,982
who showed up
on his trusty white bronco.
276
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,276
But the law
was hot on their trail.
277
00:12:18,447 --> 00:12:20,741
Well, we're getting a good view
of the chase from up here, Tom.
278
00:12:20,824 --> 00:12:23,994
That's right, Diane. We're looking at
Nate Griffin and Al Cowlings,
279
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:25,579
the man we believe
to be Al Cowlings.
280
00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:27,080
We'll stay with the chase.
281
00:12:27,164 --> 00:12:29,416
Um, it seems like
a futile effort on their part, Diane.
282
00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:32,211
At some point, that horse is going to have
to stop and eat some grain.
283
00:12:32,294 --> 00:12:33,879
But luck
was on their side
284
00:12:33,962 --> 00:12:36,256
and eventually,
they made it to the North.
285
00:12:36,340 --> 00:12:37,966
After that,
Nate devoted his life
286
00:12:38,050 --> 00:12:39,218
to getting back
at the white man
287
00:12:39,301 --> 00:12:41,053
for the injustice of slavery
288
00:12:41,136 --> 00:12:43,764
by inventing the
Department of Motor Vehicles.
289
00:12:43,847 --> 00:12:46,183
-Sir, did you fill out the 1170?
-I think I did.
290
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:48,519
Did you fill out the 1170?
I filled this out.
291
00:12:48,602 --> 00:12:51,063
That's the 1190. You're gonna have
to go stand in the blue line.
292
00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:52,272
Look,
I was already in that line.
293
00:12:52,356 --> 00:12:53,398
Sir,
don't get snippy with me.
294
00:12:53,482 --> 00:12:54,858
What?
I've been here all morning.
295
00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:56,193
That is not my prerogative,
sir.
296
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:57,778
I-I wait in one line,
they send me to another line...
297
00:12:57,861 --> 00:12:59,696
You know what? You can always call
to make an appointment.
298
00:12:59,780 --> 00:13:00,822
I tried to call!
I can't get through.
299
00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:02,074
The line's always busy!
It's ridiculous.
300
00:13:02,157 --> 00:13:03,408
You can go wait
in the appointment line, then.
301
00:13:03,492 --> 00:13:04,910
I know! I don't wanna wait!
Sir, I can't help you.
302
00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:06,161
(indistinct arguing)
303
00:13:06,245 --> 00:13:07,579
You're gonna have to take
that somewhere else.
304
00:13:07,663 --> 00:13:09,122
-It shouldn't be this hard!
-You know what? I'm on break.
305
00:13:09,206 --> 00:13:10,916
Peter, enough
with the storytelling.
306
00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:13,168
We gotta get outta here!
They're gonna kill Meg!
307
00:13:13,252 --> 00:13:16,088
Oh, yeah?
Over Meg's dead body.
308
00:13:17,381 --> 00:13:19,550
Hey! A flare gun.
Good idea, Peter.
309
00:13:19,633 --> 00:13:20,968
If we angle it
through the vent,
310
00:13:21,051 --> 00:13:22,719
we might be able
to alert the authorities.
311
00:13:24,930 --> 00:13:26,849
Oh, my God!
We're gonna drown!
312
00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:28,684
We'll be fine.
Here, put these on.
313
00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:30,102
Peter, these are parachutes.
314
00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:32,145
What are we
supposed to do with these?
315
00:13:32,229 --> 00:13:33,647
They're supposed
to distract you
316
00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:35,566
while I put on
the one scuba suit.
317
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:46,994
(coughing)
318
00:13:47,077 --> 00:13:48,120
What's the matter?
319
00:13:48,203 --> 00:13:49,329
That wasn't oxygen.
320
00:13:49,413 --> 00:13:51,373
That was a tank
of Tony Danza's breath.
321
00:13:51,456 --> 00:13:53,292
I wonder
who got my oxygen tank.
322
00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:55,711
Kiss me, Tony.
323
00:13:55,794 --> 00:13:58,255
I want your breath inside me.
324
00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:00,841
(inhaling)
325
00:14:00,924 --> 00:14:01,967
Hey!
326
00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:04,178
Well, as long as death
is staring us in the face,
327
00:14:04,261 --> 00:14:06,680
I might as well tell you
about my great-grandfather,
328
00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:10,017
who was the greatest
silent movie star of the '20s.
329
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:12,644
His name was
Willie "Black-Eye" Griffin,
330
00:14:12,728 --> 00:14:16,148
and his ocular misadventures
made him a star.
331
00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:21,153
(music playing)
332
00:15:19,503 --> 00:15:20,546
(no dialogue)
333
00:15:38,272 --> 00:15:39,690
"Black-Eye" Griffin
and his family
334
00:15:39,773 --> 00:15:41,733
were among
the wealthiest people in Hollywood.
335
00:15:41,817 --> 00:15:44,820
They spent their idle time
cavorting, doing the Charleston,
336
00:15:44,903 --> 00:15:48,073
and enjoying America's prosperity
following World War I,
337
00:15:48,156 --> 00:15:51,451
which, at that time,
was called International Civil War II.
338
00:15:51,535 --> 00:15:53,662
But the golden years
soon ended.
339
00:15:53,745 --> 00:15:55,581
Sadly,
"Black-Eye" Griffin's voice
340
00:15:55,664 --> 00:15:57,916
just wasn't right
for the talking pictures.
341
00:16:01,253 --> 00:16:03,463
Pardon me, madam.
I'm the truant officer.
342
00:16:03,547 --> 00:16:06,466
I found these two children of yours
playing hooky from school.
343
00:16:06,550 --> 00:16:10,387
Oh, my!
This will never do, will it, dear?
344
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,556
(babbling) Chris, you gotta...
You gotta...
345
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:14,892
It's important for you
to get an education!
346
00:16:14,975 --> 00:16:17,519
Get in there
and finish your homework!
347
00:16:17,603 --> 00:16:20,731
It was a simpler time.
It was a better time.
348
00:16:20,814 --> 00:16:24,526
Well, no matter what happens to us,
I just hope Meg's okay.
349
00:16:25,903 --> 00:16:27,946
So, is...
Is this, like, the part
350
00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:30,157
-where you guys have your way with me?
-What?
351
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:31,992
You know,
where I'm, like, helpless,
352
00:16:32,075 --> 00:16:34,286
and you guys take turns.
You know?
353
00:16:34,369 --> 00:16:38,081
Oh, no!
Oh, God! Oh, no, no, no, no!
354
00:16:38,165 --> 00:16:39,333
BURGLAR: What did she say?
355
00:16:39,416 --> 00:16:41,293
She asked
if we were gonna have our way with her.
356
00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:43,837
-Ew!
-Seriously. I won't scream or anything.
357
00:16:43,921 --> 00:16:46,632
No!
No! I... I... No. No sale.
358
00:16:46,715 --> 00:16:47,883
Come on! I'm pretty!
359
00:16:47,966 --> 00:16:49,176
(screaming)
360
00:16:49,927 --> 00:16:51,094
(panting)
361
00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:52,346
Are you okay?
362
00:16:52,429 --> 00:16:54,264
Yeah. I was so scared.
363
00:16:54,348 --> 00:16:56,558
Well, it sure would suck
if you guys died
364
00:16:56,642 --> 00:16:59,186
without hearing the story
of my great-uncle, Peter Hitler,
365
00:16:59,269 --> 00:17:00,687
who was Adolf's
favorite brother.
366
00:17:03,732 --> 00:17:05,108
Hey, there you are.
367
00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:07,986
Hey, you ready to go check out that
new skin flick over at the Boobengarden?
368
00:17:08,070 --> 00:17:09,780
Peter,
can't you see I'm busy?
369
00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:11,156
Yeah? What are you doing?
370
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,450
Stuff?
Yes.
371
00:17:13,534 --> 00:17:14,785
Nazi stuff?
372
00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:16,745
Yes, Peter. Nazi stuff.
373
00:17:16,828 --> 00:17:18,163
Can I help?
374
00:17:18,247 --> 00:17:19,998
No, Peter.
Just let me work, all right?
375
00:17:20,082 --> 00:17:22,334
All right, all right.
Okay. All right.
376
00:17:23,168 --> 00:17:25,170
(sputtering)
377
00:17:32,177 --> 00:17:33,846
Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look.
378
00:17:33,929 --> 00:17:35,097
Addy, I'm Tojo.
379
00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:37,766
Addy. Addy, look.
I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo.
380
00:17:37,850 --> 00:17:40,644
(humming)
381
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:41,979
I am from Japan.
382
00:17:42,062 --> 00:17:43,230
(imitating gong)
383
00:17:43,313 --> 00:17:44,690
(groans)
384
00:17:44,982 --> 00:17:46,608
(exclaims)
385
00:17:46,692 --> 00:17:47,818
Sweet!
386
00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:51,655
(imitating gunfire)
387
00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:54,992
That's what
a gun sounds like.
388
00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:56,159
Will you stop that?
389
00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:57,744
Hey, can I borrow 50 Marks?
390
00:17:57,828 --> 00:18:00,455
Oh, what happened
to the 50 Marks I gave you last week?
391
00:18:00,539 --> 00:18:02,457
Oh, come on.
Your girlfriend's not cheap.
392
00:18:02,541 --> 00:18:04,501
Ooh! (chuckling)
393
00:18:04,585 --> 00:18:07,212
Just kidding.
Oh, look at your face.
394
00:18:07,296 --> 00:18:08,964
Hey, whatever happened
with that art school?
395
00:18:09,047 --> 00:18:10,507
You ever gonna
take another crack at that?
396
00:18:10,591 --> 00:18:12,050
Look,
I'm going to do a rally.
397
00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:13,927
I'll be back in an hour.
398
00:18:14,011 --> 00:18:16,221
A rally? Sweet.
399
00:18:16,305 --> 00:18:18,223
(crowd cheering)
400
00:18:18,307 --> 00:18:21,185
The days of despair
and hardship are over!
401
00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:23,854
Today begins a new order!
402
00:18:23,937 --> 00:18:25,898
All of Europe will tremble
403
00:18:25,981 --> 00:18:29,860
as Germany takes its rightful place
as ruler of the world!
404
00:18:29,943 --> 00:18:31,028
Oh, yeah!
405
00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:35,199
Yes. As I was saying,
the time for victory is upon us!
406
00:18:35,282 --> 00:18:37,659
Victory up the ass, baby!
Yeah, come on!
407
00:18:37,743 --> 00:18:41,038
A new-- A new world!
A better world!
408
00:18:41,121 --> 00:18:42,789
A German world!
409
00:18:42,873 --> 00:18:47,127
Yeah! Germanator!
I'll be back! Whoo! Yeah!
410
00:18:47,211 --> 00:18:49,671
We will emerge
as the dominant people!
411
00:18:49,755 --> 00:18:51,715
And it's all
'cause of you guys. You know what?
412
00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:54,593
You guys, with your marching,
and your letters, and your phone calls...
413
00:18:54,676 --> 00:18:56,595
This--This is
all thanks to you.
414
00:18:56,678 --> 00:18:58,722
You--You made this happen,
you guys.
415
00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:00,015
You know... My God.
416
00:19:00,098 --> 00:19:01,225
Give yourselves
a round of applause.
417
00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:03,685
Come on. You deserve it.
You deserve it.
418
00:19:05,521 --> 00:19:08,398
Hey, what do you say
we all head over to the Boozenpuken, eh?
419
00:19:08,482 --> 00:19:11,693
Free beer
on this motherfuhrer! Eh? Come on!
420
00:19:11,777 --> 00:19:13,529
(all cheering)
421
00:19:13,612 --> 00:19:16,240
Well, that's pretty much
all there is to tell, kids.
422
00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:19,368
The Griffin family history
is a rich tapestry.
423
00:19:19,451 --> 00:19:20,994
But since
we're all gonna die,
424
00:19:21,078 --> 00:19:24,456
there's one more secret
I feel I have to share with you.
425
00:19:24,540 --> 00:19:27,459
-I did not care for The Godfather.
-What?
426
00:19:27,543 --> 00:19:29,169
Did not care
for The Godfather.
427
00:19:29,253 --> 00:19:30,587
How can you
even say that, Dad?
428
00:19:30,671 --> 00:19:31,922
Didn't like...
Didn't like it.
429
00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:34,341
Peter, it's so good.
It--It's like the perfect movie.
430
00:19:34,424 --> 00:19:36,510
This is what everyone
always says whenever...
431
00:19:36,593 --> 00:19:38,554
Robert De Niro,
Al Pacino...
432
00:19:38,637 --> 00:19:41,348
I mean, you never see...
Robert Duvall!
433
00:19:41,431 --> 00:19:43,183
(stuttering) I know.
Fine, fine actor.
434
00:19:43,267 --> 00:19:44,393
Did not like the movie.
435
00:19:44,476 --> 00:19:46,228
-Why not? Did not...
-Couldn't get into it.
436
00:19:46,311 --> 00:19:48,230
Explain yourself.
What didn't you like about it?
437
00:19:48,313 --> 00:19:50,315
-It--It insists upon itself, Lois.
-What?
438
00:19:50,399 --> 00:19:52,401
It insists upon itself.
What does that even mean?
439
00:19:52,484 --> 00:19:55,028
'Cause it has
a valid point to make, it's insistent!
440
00:19:55,112 --> 00:19:57,406
It takes forever getting in,
and then you spend, you know,
441
00:19:57,489 --> 00:19:59,032
like six-and-a-half hours,
and then, you know,
442
00:19:59,116 --> 00:20:01,034
I can't even get through it.
I can't even finish the movie.
443
00:20:01,118 --> 00:20:03,453
-I've never even seen the ending.
-You've never seen the ending?
444
00:20:03,537 --> 00:20:04,663
Well, how can you say
you don't like it
445
00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:06,582
if you haven't
even given it a chance?
446
00:20:06,665 --> 00:20:08,917
-I agree with Stewie. It's not fair.
-It's outrageous.
447
00:20:09,001 --> 00:20:11,628
I have tried on three separate occasions
to get through it,
448
00:20:11,712 --> 00:20:12,796
and I... I get to the scene
where all the guys
449
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:14,506
are sitting around
on the easy chairs...
450
00:20:14,590 --> 00:20:17,301
-That's a great scene. I love that scene.
-It's noted in every annal.
451
00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:18,844
I have no idea
what they're talking about.
452
00:20:18,927 --> 00:20:20,470
It's like they're speaking
a different language.
453
00:20:20,554 --> 00:20:23,098
-That's where I lose interest and go away.
-They're speaking Italian!
454
00:20:23,182 --> 00:20:25,309
The language they're speaking
is the language of subtlety,
455
00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:26,810
something
you don't understand.
456
00:20:26,894 --> 00:20:28,353
I love The Money Pit.
457
00:20:28,437 --> 00:20:30,230
That is my answer
to that statement.
458
00:20:30,314 --> 00:20:32,274
Exactly.
Well, there you go.
459
00:20:32,357 --> 00:20:34,526
Whatever.
I like that movie, too.
460
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:38,280
Thank God
you guys are okay!
461
00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:41,033
Wow! You saved our lives,
Mr. Swanson!
462
00:20:41,116 --> 00:20:42,326
We've captured the burglars.
463
00:20:42,409 --> 00:20:43,744
Oh, thank God.
464
00:20:43,827 --> 00:20:46,914
Unfortunately,
they're pressing sexual harassment charges
465
00:20:46,997 --> 00:20:47,998
against your daughter.
466
00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:49,750
Well, that was a close call.
467
00:20:49,833 --> 00:20:50,834
You know...
468
00:20:50,918 --> 00:20:52,878
Meg should
probably get a lawyer.
469
00:20:52,961 --> 00:20:56,757
Oh, sweetie, thank you for keeping
our spirits up with your stories.
470
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,383
Your daughter's
a sexual predator.
471
00:20:58,467 --> 00:21:01,345
If you don't do anything,
she could go to jail for a long time.
472
00:21:01,428 --> 00:21:03,263
Don't thank me, Lois.
Thank my ancestors
473
00:21:03,347 --> 00:21:05,516
for living
lives of greatness.
474
00:21:05,599 --> 00:21:07,267
All right, guys,
just take her away.
475
00:21:07,351 --> 00:21:08,477
Dad, help!
476
00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:09,603
(Meg screaming)
477
00:21:09,686 --> 00:21:12,397
Dad!
Have fun at the dance, Meg.
478
00:21:12,481 --> 00:21:14,900
I hope she does.
That kid really deserves it.
479
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:20,531
(theme music playing)
36599
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