All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S04E26.Petergeist.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-PHOENiX_track3_[eng]

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a Family Guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things
that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam...ily... Guy

MAN ON TV:
We now return to JAG.

Harm, I found that
evidence we need.

Now we can finally clear
that Chief Petty Officer of all charges.

Oh, what's the point?

Does anybody even
watch this show?

Well, yeah, old people.

I mean, they--they--they don't
really pay attention.

They--they just like
the noise and the company.

Hey, how you doing?

How's that hip doing there?

Remember the '40s?

(doorbell rings)

Hey, everybody.

I'm just here to
let y'all know that

movie night's been
moved to Joe's place.

What? But we--we always
do it here.

Movie night at
the Griffin house is a tradition.

Yeah, but Joe just
finished putting in his new home theater.

It's gonna be tight, y'all.

Oh, my God,
Joe, how did you do this?

I built it myself with supplies
I got at the Home Supply downtown.

Hey, between you and me, I think Joe's got
a little free time these days.

I hear he hasn't
touched Bonnie in months.

Peter, you just
whispered that to me.

Shh. Here he is.

Joe, what a great job
you've done here.

All right,
let's get this started.

WOMAN: Thank you for choosing
Joe Swanson Theaters.

Rocky, please don't go to Mars
and fight the Martian.

I got to do
what I got to do.

But there's no oxygen
on Mars.

Yeah? That means
there's no oxygen for him, either.

That Martian wants a fight,
he'll get a fight.

You can't win, Rock!
You're 60 years old!

Hey, look what Rocky
bought me with his money.

Freaking Joe with
his home theater.

Has to top everything I do.

Well, tomorrow
I'm gonna go to that Home Supply

and I'm gonna build
an entire multiplex.

Well, let's just hope it looks better
than that balcony you built.

Boy, that was a great episode
of Lost. Wasn't it, fellas?

Well, at least the show's
got the right name.

Yeah, I couldn't follow
any of it.

(both laughing)

(laughs) They don't care
for most things.

-Can I help you?
-Yeah.

Uh, I hate my neighbor,

and I want to build something
crazy out of spite.

Well, I'll take you
to our one-upsmanship aisle.

Man,
this place has everything.

I bet you can even get
one of those gay mailboxes.

Hello, hello! Right here.
Yeah, just right here.

Just go ahead and
put that right in here.

Yeah. (imitates
eating noises) Gulp.

(laughs) Just kidding.

Uh, pardon me.

I just bought
a rottweiler and I need

a sign to warn people
how dangerous it is.

Well, we have exactly what--

Ah, yes,
here it is, "One way."

So people will know
if they step into my yard,

there's only one way out.

In a body bag
from dog injuries.

Good day, ma'am.

This'll teach Joe to
steal my movie night.

I'm gonna have my own
multiplex theater.

I haven't been this excited
since I learned how to speak Braille.

Hey,
bump, bump, no bump, bump,

three vertical bumps,
four bumps and a square.

(laughing)

Yeah, I've heard
they all look alike.

Hey, look what I found.

Wow, authentic
Native American remains.

Peter, I'd put that
back if I were you.

You may be disturbing
a sacred burial site.

Hey, look,
it's Robin Williams.

Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah.

Black preacher voice.

Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah. Gay Elmer Fudd.

(laughing)

The more you hear it,
the funnier it gets.

Want some more peas,
Chief Diamond Phillips?

Peter, I really think you should
put that back where you found it.

You know, Brian,
I really don't think

you should
breast-feed the skull.

Uh, I'm not
breast-feeding.

All right, fine.
God, you're pushy.

-Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck.
-Oh. Hey, hey!

-Oh, God, cut it out!
-So many nipples. Suck, suck, suck.

-Knock it off!
-Oh, I'm Brian. I'm having sustenance.

-What's wrong with you?
-Look at me, everybody.

I'm breast-feeding in public
even though it's wrong.

MAN ON TV: And now
back to 1943's...

Well, isn't this
a fine song and dance?

-What are you getting so hot about?
-Keep your shirt on.

Where do you get off
making remarks like that?

Supposing I say
you're a lunkhead?

Well, I ain't much
for supposing.

-Well, supposing you were?
-Well, maybe I'm through supposing

-and I fix to start figuring.
-Ah, horseradish.

Well, aren't you
a pocketful of firecrackers?

Oh, yeah?
You got something to say about it?

I'll say plenty.

I can't wait to
see the expression

on Joe's legs when
I open my multiplex.

I have to say I'm a little concerned
about the zoning for--

Peter, are you peeing
in that skull?

No, Lois,
I'm getting up and walking

all the way to the bathroom
and doing it there.

Pain in the ass.

(The Star-Spangled Banner
playing on TV)

This concludes
our broadcast day.

The only time of the day
I get to try out

my Fred Schneider
B-52's voice.

(mimicking Fred Schneider)
Now try to get some sleep out there.

Not bad. Getting better.

(static buzzing)

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Oh, you didn't see it?

Uh, Ross and Rachel
got back together.

It wasn't that great.

(whispering voices)

Holy crap!
What the hell was that?

Stewie, what are you doing?

They're here.

Who's here?

The TV people.

What? No, they did a spin-off.

Um, he's still playing Joey,
but, uh, it's not doing so well.

Uh, Lois, have you noticed
some spooky things going on

ever since Peter
brought that skull into the house?

No.
What are you talking about?

Well, like the whole
business last night with the TV.

I'm just saying,
maybe we have a poltergeist.

Brian, there's no
such thing as ghosts. It's all just--

(gasping)

Oh, I must have accidentally stacked
all those things upside down

and then just forgot about it.

Yeah, that's probably
what happened.

Huh. I haven't seen
this much denial

since John Travolta
married Kelly Preston.

John, do you take Kelly
to be your wife?

I totally do. I mean,
yeah, yes. Absolutely.

And I-I'm going to do
stuff to her, too, like, touch her.

Yeah, touch her
and, uh, kiss her

and touch her penis.

I mean, no, not that.
Not that.

Okay, okay, try to think
of a happy place to be.

Happy place. Uh...

Okay, okay,
I'm on MTV's Jackass.

Hey, I'm Stewie Griffin,

and I'm going to be kicking
my dad's ass all day today.

(groaning)

What the hell?
Stewie, stop, stop!

Ah! Knock it off!
Knock it--Ah! Ah!

Come on!

Come on, Stewie.

You're acting
crazy out there, man.

(sighing)

(screaming)

No!

I haven't seen anything suck this much
since I Heart Huckabees.

(laughing)

Propane.

I wish that
scary-looking clown

at the end of my bed
would go away.

(screaming)

Hey, skinny britches.
That there is my man.

Why don't you pick on someone
your own size?

You shall not pass.

Stewie? Oh, my God, Stewie,
honey, where are you?

Peter,
I can't find him anywhere.

STEWIE: (distorted) Mommy?

(gasps) Stewie?
Where are you?

STEWIE:
Look behind you, you stupid cow!

Stewie?

Oh, my God!
What's happening?

Oh, wait, hold on a second.
I want to try something.

I remember

I remember the worry,
worry

How could I ever forget

The hurt doesn't show

But the pain still grows

No stranger to you and me

(imitating drums)

Thank you for coming.

We've never hired
a spiritual medium before,

but I'll do anything
to get my baby back.

You know, Peter, we wouldn't have
to be messing around with ghosts

if you hadn't desecrated
those Indian remains.

Probably a bad time
to mention

I'm wearing the skull
as an athletic cup.

Okay,
let's talk to some spirits.

Hey, how y'all ghosts doing?

Y'all got a little friend of ours
named Stewart up there.

We was just wondering
if you could send him back.

Uh-huh.

Well, yes, but I...

Well, I don't see how
that's anybody's business but my own.

Well,
how about you and my father

go and hang out
at the gun range

some afternoon
and you can spend

the whole day just
agreeing with each other.

What are they saying?
Is my baby all right?

They said that
your baby had entered

their world through
the closet upstairs,

and that the exit is...
Well, I don't know how else to say this,

but the exit is
your daughter's bum.

Meg's ass!

You ready down there?

Okay, Meg,
if this works,

then we might
just have a chance at getting Stewie back.

-Are you ready?
-No.

Ready!

Okay, here we go.

Got it!

Cool! Ass ball!

Peter, it worked!

We found the portal
to the other side.

Peter, what the hell
are you doing up there?

We're gonna get
those terrorists.

Now watch this drive.

(both screaming)

Stewie? Stewie, if you can hear me,
head for Meg's butt!

STEWIE: (distorted)
Have you lost your mind?

PETER: Hey, Lois,
get ready to laugh.

Get ready to laugh.

Gee, must've taken
a wrong turn at Albuquerque.

(laughing)

(whispering) Are you sure
Stewie can find his way out?

(whispering) We just got to
be patient, Lois.

Like waiting on
the results of a blood test.

A real important
blood test.

(whispering) Will I ever see
my baby brother again?

Only if he can find his way
into the light, Chris.

For some people,
it's easier than others.

Some people just get lost
on the way to the light.

They're walking along,
they stop and say,

"Oh, is that
a new restaurant?

"That place
must've just opened up

"'cause I remember there was
another place there a few weeks ago.

"I went in there once and there was a guy
with a harelip eating soup,

"and I was like ew!

"It wasn't the
restaurant's fault, I know.

"But I still
never went back there.

"I mean, I guess
there's only, like, a 1 in 50 chance

"of me getting the same spoon
that he had,

but I still
don't like them odds."

(thunder rumbling)

Oh,
I can't bear this anymore!

If Stewie can't find
his way out of Meg's ass,

we have to enter
the other realm and get him ourselves.

Lois,
I told you it ain't safe.

I'll tell you
what's not safe.

Going hunting
with Dick Cheney.

So,
you all set to go hunting?

Sorry,
I thought you were a deer.

Be careful, Lois.

I will, Peter.

I don't feel anything!

Now she knows how I felt
when I was at her piano recital.

(both laughing)

No, you're doing fine, Meg.

Oh, Stewie,
you're all right!

Oh, thank God you guys are--

Ew, you're covered in slime.

Ugh! This must be how
Tom Arnold felt on his wedding night.

(Meg screaming)

Holy crap!
Let's get out of here.

Wait a minute.
Where's Meg?

I don't know.
I didn't see her.

Yeah, I kind of thought
you guys would attend to that.

-Peter, you got to go back and get her.
-Oh, yeah, right.

-Like I'm going back for Meg.
-Peter!

Lois, damn it,
we both agreed, remember?

If we could only
save two, we leave Meg.

I know, but...
You bastard!

How could you
leave me in there?

She's... Okay, see?
It resolved itself.

Oh, I forgot one thing.

A bit of breaking news.

A local family is forced
out of their home by ghosts.

Who are they gonna call?

Ghostbusters, Tom?

No, Diane,
their insurance company.

That's just stupid
what you said.

And now back to Disney's
Too Many Ostriches starring Don Knotts.

There's way too
many ostriches.

Why are there so
many ostriches?

The brochure said
there'd only be a few ostriches.

This is a terrible vacation!

So, what was it like
on the other side?

Well, I met Jesus up there.

Wow, what's he like?

Uh, believe it or not,
he's Chinese.

Really?
Yup, Jesus is Chinese.

In fact,
his last name is Hong. Jesus Hong.

Says he has no idea
where people are getting Christ.

Quagmire, you got to help us.
We pissed off a bunch of ghosts,

and now our house is gone
and we got no place to stay.

Uh, Peter,
this is not the best time.

WOMAN: Glenn, are you coming?

Yeah, honey,
I'll be right there.

(mimicking baby crying)
I'll be right there.

Peter,
I'm really slammed right now.

Can you give me
the short version?

Uh, what's, uh...
What's going on in there?

Nothing.

(donkey braying)

So, uh, as you can see,
my family's here.

And, uh it's--it's game night.

We're playing... sex.

Ugh, a soup kitchen, Dad?

Isn't there any
other place we can go?

We're homeless, Meg.

This is where
homeless people go.

Well, it'll just be good
to get some food in us.

Hi, welcome to
the soup kitchen.

I'll just start you
off with this basket

of pizza crusts
and apple cores.

Oh, and we do have
one special today.

It's an avocado pit
with a little bit of avocado still on it,

and that comes
on a ripped pair of boxer shorts.

Now,
I'm trying to decide between

the tossed spaghetti
on a newspaper

and the half yogurt
with the balled-up tissue in it.

Hi, there. Do you have any books
on how to get rid of ghosts?

Have you tried telling them
you're ready for a commitment?

(laughing)

Oh, like a relationship.

Exactly.

That'll send
them running, huh?

(laughing) I like her.

Oh.

Here you go.
Maybe this'll help.

All right, here it is.

"To vanquish poltergeists,
one must restore all disturbed remains

to their
original resting places."

So all we got to do is
bring the skull back home and bury it.

What are you doing?

You said you
were using the skull as an athletic cup.

I was, but don't you remember,
I threw it in the garbage?

Oh.

-So, you're not wearing it now?
-No.

That's, uh, pretty much
just me you're grabbing.

That's how my old scoutmaster
shakes hands.

(moaning)

Ew! That is vile.

I know. I hate myself,
but it's so good.

(moaning)

Can I help you
folks find something?

No, we're just browsing.

God, I hate it
when they pester you like that.

Peter! Yes, we need help.

We're looking for a skull
that my husband threw away.

A skull, huh?
Then you want the human remains bin.

But I should warn you folks,
we're pretty cleaned out right now,

'cause Carrot Top comes by every morning
to rummage for new props.

Well, then we'll just have to pay
this Carrot Top a visit.

He's funny.

Except for that
one show he did

in Ohio after
the airline lost his luggage.

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen, Carrot Top!

All right, you guys
look like a good crowd.

I hope it goes well,
'cause I don't have my prop trunk.

I normally have,
like, a--a case with all my little props

and gadgets
and whatnot,

but, it's okay,
you can use your imagination,

like maybe a piece of luggage
that shoots dog biscuits.

So, like, if you had, like, weed
in your bag and you went to the airport,

you could shoot
the dog biscuits out,

and then
the drug dog would be...

Would go away from your bags.

Kind of if you can
imagine the dog...

(mimicking dog barking)
and then, the dog...

Man, it's a lot
funnier if I had my prop.

LOIS: Well, there it is.
Carrot Top Manor.

So, you having a good time there,
Chief Diamond Phillips?

Oh, that's funny.
He came up with the same thing that--

All right, Carrot Top,
I want that skull.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Peter Griffin,
and that skull belongs to me.

Well, it's hardly just
a skull, Mr. Griffin.

I put it on my head,
and it's a skullcap!

(laughing) It's a...

Put it with David Duchovny,
and it's Agent Scully.

You got to appreciate that--
Hey, don't distract me.

Now, hand it over, Mr. Top.

Very well, Mr. Griffin,
I'll give you the skull,

but you have to
catch me first!

Looks like you found me,
Mr. Griffin.

But which one of us is
the real king of prop comedy

and not just
an illusion, huh?

That's right, Mr. Griffin.

Just a little further.

(screams)

(chortles)

Sucker.

What the hell?

How'd you get
through the trap door?

I found this saw
with glasses on it.

Oh, that's my see-saw.

(laughing)

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

You are so (bleep) funny!

You are so...

(bleep) you
for being so funny!

Oh, my God!
Oh, oh, God. You know what?

Here, here, just,
you know what?

Keep it, keep it.
You deserve it.

Just take it.

No, no, I need it.
I need it.

Well, Chief, time for you to go back
where you came from.

Peter, you did it.

What the hell?

Oh, Peter,
I'm so proud of you.

Once again you brought our family
to the edge of the abyss,

and at the very last minute,
you saved us all.

I love you, honey.

And I've grown
fond of you, Lois.

Let's go home.

(gentle theme playing)