All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S04E25.You.May.Now.Kiss.The.Uh.Guy.Who.Receives.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-PHOENiX_track3_[eng]

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a Family Guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things
that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam...ily... Guy

Oh, Brian, we're so thrilled
your gay cousin, Jasper,

finally decided
to come visit.

Me, too.
It's been way too long.

Anyway,
thanks for putting him up.

No problem, Brian.

It's great to have visitors.

Except for that time
Moby Dick stayed with us.

Do you have any Raisin Bran?

Uh, oh, no, sorry.

(sighs)

Well, can you go
get me some?

Uh, boy, that's kind of
a pain in the...

(stutters)
We do have, uh...

We got Total,
and we got some raisins.

I mean, you could,
like, mix those together.

I mean, it would be kind
of like Raisin Bran.

Mmm, yeah, but it's not.

It'd be like Raisin Bran,
but it's not Raisin Bran.

That would be like
Total with raisins in it.

That's just
splitting hairs here.

It's not really
doing it for me.

What time did you say
your flight was?

Oh, no locks.
Thank you, Homeland Security.

Hey, bud, take a break.
I'll take over.

-Go smoke a fatty.
-Thanks!

MAN ON RADIO: This is
Sierra Tango 817,

Matthew McConaughey's
private jet,

requesting
permission to land.

Matthew McConaughey?

Oh, sorry, Sierra Tango 817.

All our runways are filled.

MAN: But it looks empty from up here.
We're almost out of fuel.

No, no. No room at all.

But, lucky for you,
there's a big, new airport

out in
the middle of the ocean.

Keep going.
You can't miss it.

-MAN: Roger that.
-(beeping)

Oops.
Well, look at it this way.

I just got you on next year's
Oscar telecast.

You'll be right after
Ron Howard!

(dramatic music plays)

Just messing with you, Ron.

-Or maybe not!
-(dramatic music plays)

No, seriously, I am.

Or am I? No.

Oh, there's Jasper's plane.

-Where?
-Third one in line.

Oh, it's one of them
new niche airlines.

(tires screeching)
(banging)

Hey, Cousin!

(chuckles) Hey, hey, Jasper!

Everybody, this is Ricardo,

from the Philippines
and my kitchen floor.

How was your flight?

Oh, torture!
Five hours on my moneymaker,

sitting across
from a gaggle of sailors

flying home on leave.

Here I am
in a committed relationship,

and all I can think about is
having a piece of Navy cake.

"Hello.
Who's that on the phone?" "Temptation!"

How does he
always get my number? I don't know.

Anyway, I got big news, and I'll tell you
over dinner. Greek. On me.

But enough
about last weekend.

(chuckles) I'm terrible!

Uck! This idiot
will fit in with our family

as badly as Peter
fit in with The Proclaimers.

THE PROCLAIMERS:
But I would walk 500 miles

And I would walk 500 more

Just to be the man
who walks a thousand miles

To fall down at your door

-THE PROCLAIMERS:Da-da-da
-Da-da-da

-THE PROCLAIMERS:Da-da-da
-Da-da-da

-THE PROCLAIMERS:Da-da
-Da-da-da-da-da

I'm singing! I'm singing!

Hey, Chris, this field trip
is your chance, man.

Alyssa is all alone.

She's so pretty that if your Hacky Sack
were my private parts,

I'd let her do that to them.

What? Kick them around?

Um, wait. Yes.

Welcome, citizens.
Today we commemorate

those brave Quahog soldiers

who perished
in the recent Gulf conflict.

I can think
of no greater tribute to their memories

than this solid gold statue

of Dig 'Em,
the Sugar Smacks frog.

-(crowd murmuring)
-MAN: What is that?

The spirit of America

is epitomized
by his inspiring motto,

"Smack, smack, Sugar Smack.

"Give me a smack,
and I'll smack you back."

(crowd shouting)

I'd also like
to take this opportunity

to announce
extreme budget cutbacks

having almost nothing to do
with this solid gold statue.

Have you ever seen
such a waste of the taxpayers' money?

You're talking to me!

This is more exciting
than that time

me and my friends
did mushrooms.

This is gonna be awesome!

You said it.

(in deep voice) Man,
you guys feel anything yet?

(in deep voice)
I feel kind of funny.

(in deep voice)
I got a bellyache.

We shouldn't
have did this, man.

Lois, darling, those earrings
are delicious. Total kitsch.

Like an Andy Warhol
wet dream.

I'm opening a museum and putting you
in it, they're that fabulous.

You think it's clever
talking like that, do you?

You think it's funny?

Talking about earrings,
and using words

like "fabulous"
and "delicious" and "wet."

What's next? A workout

followed by a romp around a crowded room
while the music goes...

(mimics throbbing music)

Oh, why'd you stop?

Hey, Jasper,
let me ask you something.

When you're in the shower
at the "Y,"

is-is that just like
Supermarket Sweep for you guys,

or is there
some kind of etiquette?

Peter, stop it.

God! You're more clueless
than Popeye.

Sir, I think you should know
these growths on your forearms,

they're giant tumors.

(talking gibberish)

Oh, dear.

Yeah, I'm surprised
you haven't realized

this is not how a human being
is supposed to look.

(talking gibberish)

And the speech thing,
and what you're doing with your eye?

Uh, you had a stroke
about seven years ago.

(talking gibberish)

That you've managed
to be walking around all this time

is nothing
short of a miracle.

(talking gibberish)

I'd say about two months.

Okay, all right,
time for the big announcement.

Everyone, Ricardo and I
are getting married!

Oh, that is terrific!

It's about time
you two settled down.

Oh, you hear that, Meg?

Guys can marry
other guys now.

So... This is awkward,
but, uh,

I mean, if they can do that,
that's pretty much it for you, isn't it?

I mean, you might as well
pack it in. Game over.

Uh, Alyssa, hi.

I--I was wondering
if maybe you wanted to...

-do something sometime?
-Sure, Chris.

I have a Young Republicans
meeting after school. You wanna come?

Oh, sure. W-What do you do
at a Young Republicans meeting?

We help those who already have
the means to help themselves.

Also, we perpetuate the ideal

that Jesus chose America to destroy
nonbelievers and brown people.

I don't understand what you're saying,
but somehow I feel safer.

(no discernible dialog)

Karl, this is Chris.

He wants to join our club.

Karl is our chancellor.

Well, Chris,
we'd be happy to have you.

There's just
one little rite of initiation.

Oh, this is one fine day
to be nude

Yeah, this is one fine day
to be nude

(birds chirping)

The birds are singing,
"Clinton, have a wonderful spring"

And people walking by

Can stop
and look at my thing

Oh, this is one fine day

Liberal chubby chaser!

(laughing)
Well, if you can't laugh at yourself...

(shouting)

I'm here at the parking lot
outside city hall,

where hundreds of citizens
have come out in protest

of the Mayor's decision to spend
the town's treasury on a gold frog.

I don't like it.

And I don't like
the contraction "apostrophe-E-M."

As far as I'm concerned,
his name is Dig Them.

You're not welcome here,
Dig Them.

I stand behind my decision.

This press conference
is over.

I can't see you now.
I can't hear you now. You're not here now.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la

Well, there you have it.
Back to you, Tom.

Thanks, Tom.
Some damn fine reporting.

Damn fine. Diane?

Well,
it's encouraging to know

that I'm not the only Mayor West
who's facing difficulties.

But what I need now
is a diversion.

Let's see.

Mmm. "Jingle keys."

(crowd shouting)

My God! I'm a tomato!

ANNOUNCER: And now back
to The Sound of Music.

(dramatic music playing)

(engines sputtering)

Oh, thank heaven.

The Von Trapp family escaped!

Reverend Mother,
I have sinned.

What is this sin, my child?

Oh, well. No harm done.

I too have sinned, Mother.

Oh, my God!

That's Rolfe!

What the hell
is wrong with you?

Hey, I didn't start
this war, but it's on!

Oh, Lois, there you are.

Listen,
Ricardo and I wanna thank you

for letting us
have the wedding here.

Oh! You're--You're having
the wedding here?

Yeah. I hope that's okay, Lois.
I offered them the house.

Oh, uh, sure. N-No problem.

Hey, McButt the Crime Dog,

I heard you and your little chew toy
getting it on last night.

-Keep it down.
-Sorry, little man.

Ricardo and I
were playing Clue,

and he got me in the bedroom
with a lead pipe.

Peter, I'm not sure
I'm comfortable

having this wedding
at the house.

Lois, I don't know
what the big deal is. So they're gay.

It's not like we're gonna have
a gay sex orgy in the living room.

That's not
what I'm talking about.

I've got nothing
against homosexuals.

I mean, I'll watch anything
with David Schwimmer.

But the idea of two men
actually getting married,

it just doesn't seem right.

Hey, I say
who cares, you know?

If gays wanna get married
and be miserable like the rest of us,

-I say we should let them.
-JASPER: Oh, no!

-What's wrong?
-Look.

Some breaking news today
when Mayor West announced he will sign

a citywide ban
on gay marriages next week.

While controversial,
it has nonetheless

effectively distracted all of us
from the Dig 'Em fiasco.

-The what?
-I don't know. Something about a lizard.

And now this.

Look at that.

In the '30s, they called this
an Uncle Spinny Dervish.

-Really?
-I don't know. I'm just bored.

A ban on gay marriage?
Oh, my God!

(door bell rings)

Matthew McConaughey?

Yeah, I'm looking
for a guy named Stewie.

Ow!

Chris, grab his legs.
I gotta bury this thing.

-But I...
-(shouts) Grab his legs!

I can't believe
the wedding's off.

All I ever wanted
was to get married

and make a home
with a skinny, hairless Filipino boy.

Isn't that
the American dream?

Oh, don't give up yet, Jasper.

Mayor West
only banned gay marriage

so he could distract
from the Dig 'Em scandal.

-He won't get away with it.
-Mmm.

Oh, Jasper, where'd you get
these brownies?

They're from a bakery
in the West Quahog gay district.

I thought
they'd help my depression.

Oh, I can see why.
Oh, my God,

they pack so much fudge
into these.

And--And look at this. There's even
a couple of nuts lodged in there.

I'm going upstairs.

Oh, I've got to do something.

Jasper's always
been there for me when I've needed him.

I am gonna make Mayor West
change his mind.

But, Brian, the Bible
says gay marriage is an abomination.

Oh, don't give me
that Young Republican crap, Chris.

The Bible also says
a senior citizen built an ark

and rounded up
two of every animal.

-Hey.
-Yeah?

What the hell is this?

Oh, you didn't really give
any specific guidelines about mating.

-Did you name it?
-What?

-Did you name it?
-Uh, yeah, he's Paul.

Yeah? Well, it's gonna be
a hell of a lot harder for you now,

because he's going
the (bleeps) overboard.

-(doorbell rings)
-Hi, Glenn.

Uh, hey, will you sign
a petition to overturn

Mayor West's ban
on gay marriage?

Gay marriage?
Oh, come on,

two halves can't make a whole
without a hole.

Giggity, Giggity,
Giggity, Giggity.

Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah,
ting-tang- walla-walla-bing-bang

Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah,
ting-tang-walla-walla- bing-bang

You get off my property,
you pervert.

Uh, Mr. Bottomtooth,
would you like to sign the petition?

(incoherently speaking)

Uh, I--I don't...
W-W-What's--What's-- What's the problem?

(incoherently speaking)

Ah! Okay. Thank you.

(mumbling)
Amazing grace

How sweet the sound

Chris, did you hear?

Some dog is going around town
trying to get support for gay marriage.

Oh, that's Brian.
He's got a petition.

Really? Chris, you've got
to destroy that petition.

-Why?
-Because if you do,

I'll let you touch
my boobs.

Is--Is--Is that good?
Do--Do I want that?

Oh, yeah, you want that.

Well, fantastic then.

How can I help you,
Mrs. Griffin?

Well, I'm having
a bit of a crisis.

I'm a very
open-minded person,

and I've never
had any problem with gays before,

but something about
two gay people getting married,

I--I just don't think
it's right.

Well, these questions
are too big

to be decided
by human beings.

Which is why God
made this film.

(projector whirring)

(beeps)

(fanfare)

You know, there's been
a lot of talk lately about homosexuals,

but how do you know
what to believe?

Well, here are a few tips that may
help you tell when you've got a gay.

So, uh,
what's your favorite Madonna album?

I like her early work.

-MAN: If his answer is anything but
-"I've never bought one,"

-(bangs)
-you've got a gay.

Let's take a blood sample,
Mr. Braga.

(sizzles)

MAN: If instead
of human blood,

you find
a deadly corrosive acid,

-you've got a gay.
-(bangs)

(roars)

(screeches)

MAN:
Not this time, nancy boy.

Well, that was interesting.

I also have My Giant
with Billy Crystal.

Oh, God, no, no.

Well, we almost have
enough signatures,

thanks to
Quahog's gay district.

Lois, how'd you like to be
signature number 10,000?

-Brian, I can't sign this.
-Why not?

Well, because I don't believe
in gay marriage.

You don't believe...
Lois, that's ridiculous.

Gay people have every right
to get married.

Well, they certainly
have every right to be together,

but marriage should be
between a man and a woman.

Well, that's not how they
do it in West Quahog.

By the way, Lois,
I got a piercing over there.

I'm not gonna tell you where,
but I'll give you a hint.

It wasn't my nose or my ear,
and it was one of my balls.

Well, regardless
of what you think,

this is going to change
Mayor West's mind,

and we are gonna have
Jasper's wedding here.

Fine. Then until this is all over,
I'll stay somewhere else.

Come on, Stewie, we're going
to Grandma and Grandpa's.

Fine, I'll go,
but I'm not missing that gay wedding.

I still kick myself
for missing

that topless
cheerleader parade

with the 100-foot
chocolate teddy bear

and the F-16s doing
aerial acrobatics,

choreographed
to the music of Queen.

Oh, I remember that day.

Huh. Should have gone
to that thing.

-(gasps)
-(flicks)

My petition!
What the hell are you doing?

I'm going to get to touch
right-wing boob because of this.

You idiot! Now I'm going
to have to get 10,000 more signatures

before tomorrow morning.
What were you thinking?

You don't understand, Brian.

When was the last time
you were even with a woman?

-Uh, when did the Challenger blow up?
-'86.

Yeah, it was like
three years before that.

Mayor West, here's the gay marriage ban
for your approval.

Excellent.
This is so important,

I'm going to sign it
with all capital letters.

It's going to say,
"Adam West"!

That's what it's
going to say, you'll see.

Hey, buddy,
you can't go in there.

(panting)

Mayor West,
you have to look at this.

Ten thousand signatures.

I've been up for 24 hours,

I paid off a few people

and I did a few things
in West Quahog I'm not proud of.

(theme music playing)

So, it's a show
about three hookers and their mom?

This is very impressive,
but my decision stands.

No!

Come on, buddy,
you're leaving.

No, I can't let Jasper down!

-(gun cocking)
-I'm not going to let you sign that.

Go on, get out of here!

I should warn you,
I have a tiny bullet-proof shield,

the exact size of a bullet,
somewhere on my body.

And if you hit it, I'll be unharmed,
and your plan will be foiled.

You'll be
the laughingstock of me.

I don't want
to shoot you, Mayor West.

Good, because I'm
incredibly crafty.

Hey, what's that
on the ceiling?

(laughing)

Now I'm over here.

Look, t-this has gotten
out of hand, I know.

I--I--I don't want
anyone to get hurt.

But you can put
an end to this right now

by tearing up
that gay marriage ban.

You won't break me.

15 years ago
I swallowed everything I needed

to escape
from a hostage situation.

(hacking)

(gasps)
A wall!

Well, no matter.

I'm prepared
for a lengthy captivity as well.

(hacking)

I swallowed
this People magazine in 1989.

All right, Paul Hogan,
tell me about the real Crocodile Dundee.

It's so nice
to have you home, dear.

I can take it or leave it.

God, this is such
an old-people house, you know.

I mean,
look at this candy jar.

Let's--Let's, uh,
take a look in here.

Let's--Let's see
what you got here. You got...

You got licorice.
Oh, that's, uh, that's...

Oh, Freedent.
Oh, that's good.

Yeah--Yeah,
I got a-- I got a sweet tooth,

I think I'll have
some Freedent.

Yeah. Oh.
Oh, what's this? Oh, a cough drop.

A Luden's cough drop.

Is that candy? No, I don't think
that's candy. I think it's a cough drop!

Uh, what else we got?
Oh, oh, oh, look at-- look. Look at this.

There's a fishing lure
in here.

There's a fishing lure
in the candy jar.

(stammers) What?
Am I supposed to eat this?

Eat a fishing lure?
Hey, look, Brian's on TV.

FEMALE REPORTER:
And now, some Channel 5 exclusive footage

of the crazed
homosexual gunman

who's taken
Mayor West hostage.

Oh, my God!

Brian's taken
the Mayor hostage?

Is this an eyeglass lens?

I didn't realize
how strongly he feels about this.

(scoffs)
Gay marriage.

Next thing you know,
they'll want to vote.

Oh, oh, look at this.
A spare key

for a Volkswagen Scirocco.

They--They don't even
make this anymore.

They don't even
make this car anymore.

Whose key
could this possibly be?

What if Brian's right?

I mean, certainly the love between a man
and a woman should be sacred, but...

Who's talking about love?
We're talking about marriage.

Well, don't you love Mom?

Come on, Lois, look at her.

So two straight people
who hate each other

have more of a right
to be together

than two gay people
who love each other?

That's what
we raised you to believe.

Oh, my God!
I've made a terrible mistake!

I've been brainwashed,
like Elizabeth Smart.

It's so wonderful
having her home again.

She's brought music
back into the house.

Playing songs on the harp.

Of course most of them
are about rape, but it's still nice.

I think I made Brian crazy.

Maybe I shouldn't have burned
that petition.

Oh no, Chris,
you did the right thing.

It's only a matter of time
before Mayor West signs that bill,

and you'll get
to touch these.

Oh, boy, I got a feeling
that before the end of the day,

I'm going to be
burying my dog.

Whoa, whoa. I said you could
touch my boobs. Let's start with that.

Look, Peter, if you can't get Brian
to come out peacefully,

we're going to
have to take him down.

Don't worry, Joe,
I'm good with tight situations.

Like when I saved
Luke Skywalker's life.

Okay, Luke,
this'll keep you warm

until I get
the shelter built.

You're sure this is okay?

Yeah, you're just
cutting into the fat.

All right, Brian,
Peter's coming in!

I'll relax him
by using my catchphrase.

(mimics Italian accent)
Hey, what's up with you?

(audience laughing)

-What the hell was that?
-My catchphrase.

You don't have a catchphrase.

(mimics Italian accent)
Why you gotta say like that?

(audience laughing)

Excuse me.

(hacks)

Would anyone
like to play Stratego?

I have Stratego.

Oh, Peter, I never meant
for this to happen.

This--This whole situation
has totally spiraled out of control.

Brian, listen to me.
I was wrong.

If two people love each other,
they should have the right to get married.

But you have to come down
and give yourself up.

If you drag this out
any longer,

you're only hurting
your own cause.

(sighs)

She's right.
I'm sorry, Mayor West.

Well, you were only doing
what you thought was right, Brian.

And, hey, you've distracted everyone
from the Dig 'Em statue,

so I guess we don't
need this bill anymore.

(mimics Italian accent)
Everybody happy!

(Bridal Chorus playing)

Well, it sure was nice
of Mayor West

to drop
the kidnapping charges.

It's amazing.
All he asked for in return

was the key
to a Volkswagen Scirocco.

You're welcome.

Listen, Lois,
I--I really appreciate

you putting
your discomfort aside,

so we could have
the wedding here.

Oh, please,
I'm over all that now.

Two men getting married
doesn't bother me in the least.

They deserve happiness.

(mimics Italian accent)
Everybody gay!

(laughing)

(theme music playing)