All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S04E16.The.Courtship.of.Stewies.Father.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-PHOENiX_track3_[eng]

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a Family Guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things
that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam...ily... Guy

I am so bored.

Hey, dog, when you take
a break from re-applying your lipstick,

how about taking me
to the park?

My lipstick? What?

(chuckling)
Oh.

Oh, right, right.
Right, because of my penis.

Yeah, that's--that's--
that's fantastic.

Lois, Brian won't
take me to the park.

Then he talked about
his ding-dong.

Lois. Lois!

Damn it, woman!
Pay attention to me!

Ow! Stewie, that's
not nice.

Don't grab Mommy's
pants like that.

You could really hurt her.

Yes. Yes, I could,
couldn't I?

I could hurt Mommy.

Shame on us, Rupert.
How dare we succumb to boredom

while that wretched woman
continues to breathe?

She must be destroyed.
With Lois out of the way,

I could finally focus
on my life's ambition

of taking pictures
of Madison County.

(sighs)

Let's go back
and take a bath.

Yeah. How about you go back
and take a bath?

Griffin, have you filed
those shipping reports yet?

Angela, Angela, come here.
Check this out.

Look at what
this chick is doing to this polar bear.

Wait, wait, it-- it's, uh...

Wait, wait, wait.
It's-- It's coming up.

(exclaims)

(chuckling)

Oh, there you are, Opie.

Congratulations.
You made Employee of the Month again.

(babbling nonsense)

How come I'm never
Employee of the Month?

Man, this is
the worst job I've had

since I was the conductor
for the Sand People choir.

And a one and a two.

(all gibbering)

No, no, no, no, no!
The altos were early.

Oh, this is the worst
glee club I've ever...

Oh. Oh, come on.
Where are you going?

-The benefit's tomorrow!
-Relax.

The Sand People frighten
easily but they'll be back.

And in greater numbers.

Well, that'll give us
a richer harmony.

Oh, yeah.
No, it's gonna sound fantastic.

(whirring)

Ah! Help! Somebody!
I'm blacking out.

(screaming)

Brian, help me.

(screaming)

(pinging)

That jerk, Opie, got
Employee of the Month again.

All because my boss hates me.

Maybe you need
to brown-nose her a little bit, Peter.

Really? I thought you said
she was ugly.

Oh, oh, oh,
you mean kiss up to her.

That's a great idea, Joe.

And if that doesn't do it,

you could always just
work hard and be polite.

That's how I won friends
when I worked for E!

Seabiscuit! Seabiscuit!
Would you mind talking to E!?

I'm not Seabiscuit.
I'm Penelope Cruz.

And you're just lovely.
Would you like a carrot?

(munching)

Good girl.

Brown-nose, huh?

All right. I'll do
something special for her.

Surprise!

Griffin, what the hell
are you doing at my house?

Well, I asked around the office
and everybody said you liked animals,

so I organized
a surprise cockfight.

Ta-da!

-(gasping)
-Oh. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, God. Uh...

Well, looks like
they killed each other.

That's probably what all that racket
was about an hour ago.

Um, well, I will
see you Monday.

(glass shattering)

Ah, crap.

Well, looks like the good Lord
just sent me a conversation starter.

Come here, Jesse.
Come get the ball.

(both groaning)

BOTH:
Down by the shores of the hanky-panky

Where the bullfrogs leap
from bank to banky

(screams, thuds)

(chuckling)
How unfortunate.

Miss Hobson, Stewie's
really been acting out a lot at home.

And I was just wondering,
how's he been behaving at school?

Hmm. Mrs. Griffin, let me
show you some pictures he drew in class.

-Notice anything unusual?
-I sure do.

-His father's not in any of them.
-Exactly.

Well, Peter's been
very preoccupied with work lately.

I guess Stewie's been
missing his father.

Thank you for letting me know.

-(crossbow firing)
-(groans)

Damn! She moved.

Well, I suppose
it's not the first time

someone's made
a miscalculation.

(zooming)

What happens to us
in the future, Doc?

It's your kids, Marty.
Something's gotta be done about your kids.

-What do you mean?
-Your daughter marries a black man.

That-That's actually not
a big deal for me.

Yeah, me neither.

Well, it...
Well, it... You... Really?

Yeah. I mean, w-what's--
what's wrong with that?

Oh, no, no, nothing,
nothing.

It's nothing, I guess.
I think-- I think it's great.

Congratulations.

I don't think I'm comfortable
around you anymore.

Did you know peanut butter
was invented

-by a black man?
-Too late, Doc.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, hi, Herbert.
What brings you here?

It seems your son's baseball
broke one of my windows the other day.

Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.

Chris, this is gonna come out
of your allowance.

Oh...

Perhaps we could
work something out.

I could use
a strapping young man

to do some chores
around my house.

That seems fair to me.

Chris, you have damaged
this man's property.

And until you pay off
the debt,

you'll do whatever job
he wants you to do.

And at the end of the day,
if you're exhausted

and your face is
dripping wet,

well, that just means
you did a good job.

That sounds fine.

I don't want to spend
my weekend doing chores.

You know, Chris,
a little hard work can do wonders.

Just look at how
they built the pyramids.

They say all peoples
must go through some hard times.

Well, we Jews are getting
ours out of the way early.

From here on out,
it's gonna be nothing but smooth sailing.

I have an announcement
to make.

Don't you do it.
Don't you lose a single pound.

I don't care what
those Hollywood image-makers say.

Big women are sexy.

(sighs)
I wanted to tell you

that Opie will
not be receiving Employee of the Month,

because he's being promoted!

Oh, yes! That means
I'm Employee of the Month.

No, you're not, Griffin.
I'm giving it to Soundwave.

So, I can just put
my stuff anywhere?

My wife, Denise.
We met in a Christian chat room.

Peter, we need
to talk about your son.

The fat one
or the funny-looking one?

Ha ha ha!
Dad called you fat.

Wait.

Stewie's really been
acting out lately.

And, I think it's 'cause
he's not spending enough time with you.

It's time that you take
an interest in your son.

Starting today,
I want you to spend more time with Stewie.

Uh... okay.

You can make a box fort.

See? Here's a box.
You can pretend it's a fort.

Actually, that sounds
like fun. I want this.

I'm king in here.

Peter, maybe Stewie
would like to play fort, too.

No!

If you need me,
I'll be in space.

Great idea bringing Stewie
to Fenway Park, Peter.

Yeah. There's no better place
for a father and son

to really get
to know each other than a ball game.

Uh, where is Stewie?

(panting)

(gasping)
Is that a baby in there?

Oh, my God!
He's gonna miss the game.

(electrical buzzing)

Hey, you guys.
You remember those hot homeless twins

who live under the overpass?
Well, last night I--

Wait, wait, wait, Quagmire.
Let me cover Stewie's ears.

(silence)

And this is the hand
that caused all the trouble.

(laughs)
Got your nose, little guy.

(screaming)

Peter, did you take
Stewie to a strip club?

He smells like
sweat and fear.

Let me tell you, Tuesday afternoon
is not exactly their "A" squad.

I actually saw bullet wounds.

You can't just take him places
you want to go. He's a baby.

Look, Lois, I think I know how
to spend time with my own kid, all right?

The bond between
a father and son is sacred.

I'm sorry, Jesus.
But my house, my rules.

Up yours, Joseph.
You're not my real dad.

(beeping)

(ringing)

-Hello?
-Hey, Dad, it's me.

Listen, things here
aren't working out anymore.

And I was just--
I was wondering,

can-- can I come live
with you and Janet for a while?

Oh, wow, kiddo.
You know, I'd love that,

but I don't know if now is the best time.
Maybe next year, okay?

I'll see you Friday night.

Tell your mother
I sent the check.

So, where were we?

Right about here.

-Ah, come on, baby, it's my birthday.
-No.

All I'm saying is
that you just need to find an activity

that you and Stewie can share.

Peter, can you reach
that box of rice?

-Ow!
-Oh, sorry, Lois.

(laughing)

Oh, oh, that rice
got you, bitch.

Hey, Stewie's laughing.

Hey, you think that's funny?
Hey, you like that?

Hey, hey, Lois, you want
some beans with that rice?

Ow!

Oh! Oh, I misjudged you,
fat man.

Damn it. Peter,
what's wrong with you?

Wait, wait, wait, Lois, Lois, don't move.
Stewie's loving this.

(smashing)
(laughs)

See if she's got
any cash on her.

(chortling)

Okay, Stewie,
get the camera ready.

(shouting)

Peter, stop it!

What the hell
are you doing?

What do you think I'm doing?
I'm bonding with Stewie.

(both laughing)

Oh, there is nothing more precious
than a baby's laughter.

(Peter laughs)

(tires screeching)

(both laughing
uncontrollably)

(splashing)

(continuing to laugh
uncontrollably)

(laughter calming down)

(both sigh)

Jeez, I hope
she can get out.

Oh, I'm sure
she'll be fine.

(doorbell ringing)

Well, hello there, young man.

I was starting to think
you weren't coming.

Sorry I'm late, Mr. Herbert.

Well, I guess
I'll get started.

You know, if you get
sweaty and want to take your shirt off,

that'd be just fine.

Or tie it in a knot,
your choice.

We now go live
to Ollie Williams

in the Channel Five
traffic copter.

-What's the scene, Ollie?
-Everybody looks like ants!

Probably because
you're up so high.

Coming up next,
an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue.

Hey, hey, Dad, Dad,
pull my finger.

Wait... (farts)

Sounded like a peep toad.
But it's not summer.

(breathing hard)

Hey, drippy. You're back.
What's for dinner?

Peter, when I said,
"Bond with Stewie,"

this is not
what I had in mind!

I am furious with you!

You can't talk
to him like that.

(grunting)

Take that!

Stewie, you're going
to your room.

I think not,
Dad's got my back.

Eh, Stewie, she looks mad.
You better go to your room.

What? What's the matter
with you, fat man?

Stop her.
Help me, you fool.

You traitor.
I trusted you, but you're a wuss!

Oh, don't feel bad, Peter.

Hey, I know
what'll cheer you up.

No, I don't think
I'm in the mood.

Are you sure?

It's peanut butter
jelly time

Peanut butter jelly time

Peanut butter
jelly time

Where ya at? Where ya at?

Where ya at?
Where ya at?

Now there you go,
there you go

There you go,
there you go

Peanut butter jelly

Peanut butter
jelly

Peanut butter jelly

Peanut butter
jelly

Sorry, Brian.
It's just not doing it today.

Do the peanut butter jelly,
peanut butter jelly

Peanut butter jelly
with a baseball bat

Peanut butter jelly,
peanut butter jelly

Peanut butter jelly
with a baseball bat

PETER: Hey, Stewie.
You got a minute for your daddy?

Get out of here,
you spineless oaf!

Oh, and by the way,
I faked all those bowel movements.

Brian, I feel awful.

Stewie and I were
getting along so good and now he hates me.

-How do I get him to like me again?
-Well, that depends.

Do you really want my advice or are you
just asking random questions again?

What's a hypotenuse?

Stewie, I know you're
a little mad at me right now.

But, when you see where I'm taking you,
you're gonna change your mind.

Oh, yeah, right.
I'm gonna change my mind.

We just sat on a plane
for three hours to come to Florida,

God's waiting room,

for who knows what...

Oh, Disney World!
Disney World! Disney World!

Oh! Oh!
I want to go to Disney World!

Oh! Oh! Disney World!
Disney World! Oh! Oh! Oh!

I'm still mad at you.

(kids shout)

Hey, check it out, Stewie.
Halle Berry's Wild Ride.

(all exclaiming)

(running footsteps)

('80s pop music playing)

Wow! It looks like
Michael Jackson's coming right at me.

I say, we've
been puttering around

this fat farm for hours.

I've had enough.

Hey, Stewie,
they got-- Stewie?

Oh, my God, he's gone.

Has anyone seen
my son? Hello?

Hey, it's the crows
from Dumbo.

Hey, you guys seen my son?

Well, I done seen
about everything

but I sure enough
ain't seen your boy, no how!

Ah, that's good old-fashioned
family racism.

Well, well,
a lost child.

Looks like we've got
a new recruit.

(Stewie exclaiming)

Now sing.

I shall do no such thing.

You must sing.

If you don't,
they'll make you do

a Christmas movie
with Tim Allen.

It's a tiny, tiny world

It's a tiny,
tiny world

Is Chris still doing chores
for that disgusting old man?

Meg, that's not nice.

Old people have
a lot to offer society.

Just look at Kim Cattrall.

(moaning)
Come and get it, big boy.

(metallic creaking)

Oh, damn.

There we go.

(shatters)

(jazz music playing)

Thanks for buying
me dinner, Mr. Herbert.

Oh, I wanted to thank you properly
for all your hard work.

Souvenir photograph?

Hell, yes.

(soft rock music playing)

-HERBERT: He rakes
-and trims the grass

He loves to mow and weed

I cook like Betty Crocker

And I look like Donna Reed

There's plastic
on the furniture

To keep it neat and clean

In the Pine-Sol
scented air

Somewhere that's green

Between our frozen dinners

And our bedtime, 9:15

We snuggle watching Lucy

-(no discernible dialog)
-On a big, enormous

12-inch screen

I'm his

December bride

Chris Griffin,
he knows best

The kids play Howdy Doody

As the sun sets
in the west

A picture out of

Better Homes and Gardens

Magazine

Someday I know

We, too, will go

Somewhere that's

Green

(snoring)

Are you dead?

(music playing)

It's a tiny,
tiny world

It's a tiny, tiny world

It's a tiny,
tiny world

It's a tiny, tiny world

I say, fat man!
Get me out of here!

Oh, Stewie, there you are.
Thank God.

Why are you dressed
like Rerun?

(all cheering)

You're free, children.

Run back to
your individual countries of origin.

GUARD: Hey!

Those multi-cultural slave children
belong to the Disney Corporation!

Get 'em, Achmed.

Uh... uh...

hey, look over there.
There's a woman learning.

Quick, in here.

(hissing)

(zings)

(wheels squealing)

(exclaiming)

(panting)

Looks like we're
in the clear.

(gasps)
Michael Eisner.

Cover your heart!

Kali Maa!

Kali Maa!

Kali Maa!

You betrayed
the shareholders.

(groaning)

(screaming)

You think he's dead?

No, no. He'll be back
on his feet in no time,

probably follow
in Jonathan Dolgen's footsteps,

wind up with a pod deal
over at Touchstone.

-You all right, Stewie?
-(sighing)

You know what, fat man?

I'm not sure how to say this
without sounding cheesy,

but, uh, well, you really
came through for me today.

So I-- I--

Oh, what the hell.

Oh, I love you, too, buddy.

Come on, Stewie.
Let's go home.

STEWIE:
Hmm, Florida. Just think,

somewhere in
this state right now,

Jeb Bush is eating
a live puppy.

Well, Jesse, I guess we got to find
some other way to spend our evenings.

MALE TV ANNOUNCER:
And now back to ESPN's exclusive coverage

of the Little League
World Series.

Oh, jackpot!

(theme music playing)