All language subtitles for Friday Night Dinner 05x02

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000 Edited at https://subtitletools.com 2 00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:41,759 Sorry, what kind of name is 'Nadby and Penlock Properties'? 3 00:00:41,759 --> 00:00:44,240 What? I don't know, it's just what the company's called. 4 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:45,679 'Nadby and Penlock'. 5 00:00:45,679 --> 00:00:49,280 They sound like a couple of paedophiles. Very good. 6 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:51,600 Er, why is Dad just sitting in his car? 7 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:54,359 Oh, yeah. No top. Obviously. 8 00:00:54,359 --> 00:00:58,119 Is he asleep or just dead? 9 00:00:58,119 --> 00:01:02,119 Shall we? Mm. 10 00:01:02,399 --> 00:01:05,840 Argh! Argh! CAR HORN HONKS Bleeding hell! 11 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:07,640 Morning! Rise and shine! 12 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:09,920 Bloody shits! You could've given me a heart attack! 13 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:11,439 Idiots. 14 00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:15,439 Well, get in then... Really? Go on. 15 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,319 Eurgh! What've you been eating in here? Jesus! 16 00:01:21,319 --> 00:01:24,560 Oxtail soup. Oxtail soup? In your car? 17 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:27,079 Well, I couldn't eat soup in the house any more. 18 00:01:27,079 --> 00:01:28,560 Oh, you wouldn't understand. 19 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:30,439 She's driven you that mad, then, has she? 20 00:01:30,439 --> 00:01:34,039 Bloody Val! Ten days that bloody woman's been with us. 21 00:01:34,039 --> 00:01:35,640 Ten days! God. 22 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:37,400 Parking her car on our drive, 23 00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:40,719 taking over the whole bleeding house. 24 00:01:40,719 --> 00:01:42,079 HE SLURPS NOISILY 25 00:01:42,079 --> 00:01:44,560 She's only been rearranging all the bloody furniture 26 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:48,560 and chucking all my stuff in the bin... 27 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:53,000 Do you know what she threw away today? What? 28 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:54,319 This. 29 00:01:54,319 --> 00:01:56,319 What is it? No idea. 30 00:01:56,319 --> 00:01:59,920 But would you throw that away? 31 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:03,079 Er, don't you think you've had enough to drink tonight, Dad? 32 00:02:03,079 --> 00:02:06,879 Yes, I know she's going through a divorce, but does she have to come and live with us? 33 00:02:06,879 --> 00:02:08,800 Can't she just... ..live in her car? 34 00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:09,960 Yes! 35 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:11,439 Or in the sea. 36 00:02:11,439 --> 00:02:15,439 Martin? Ooh, here we go. 37 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:19,520 Can you please stop sitting in your car all the time! Val's here. 38 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:21,560 Is she? I hadn't noticed. 39 00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:24,000 Hi, boys. BOTH: Hi, Mum. 40 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:26,319 Come on, now. It's rude. 41 00:02:26,319 --> 00:02:28,800 Aren't you cold? I'm boiling. 42 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,120 Boys, me and Auntie Val have been having such a giggle. 43 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:35,039 Yeah, Dad was just saying. 44 00:02:35,039 --> 00:02:37,719 Stick this in the bin for Auntie, would you? No, you don't! 45 00:02:37,719 --> 00:02:38,920 Dad! 46 00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:42,199 My slippers! That bloody woman! 47 00:02:42,199 --> 00:02:43,520 Martin, they're revolting. 48 00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:45,400 They're like tramp's shoes! 49 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:46,920 See what I'm talking about?! 50 00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:48,879 Not really. They're here. 51 00:02:48,879 --> 00:02:51,319 Oh, yeah, Val's been so funny. 52 00:02:51,319 --> 00:02:52,599 In the head! 53 00:02:52,599 --> 00:02:54,199 Hello, boys. 54 00:02:54,199 --> 00:02:55,479 BOTH: Hello, Auntie Val. 55 00:02:55,479 --> 00:02:57,879 Well, aren't you going to give me a kiss, then? Honestly! 56 00:02:57,879 --> 00:03:00,319 Uh-uh-uh! Shoes first! Then kiss. 57 00:03:00,319 --> 00:03:02,400 Pardon?! Take your shoes off. 58 00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,400 Um, we never take our shoes off in this house. 59 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:06,400 Well, now we do. Since when? 60 00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:09,919 Just obey... 61 00:03:09,919 --> 00:03:11,000 There. 62 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:13,759 Now you can kiss Auntie. 63 00:03:13,759 --> 00:03:17,759 Good boys. 64 00:03:19,079 --> 00:03:21,240 Remember the rules, Martin...? 65 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:23,680 Jah, mein Fuhrer. 66 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:25,400 Sorry, which one's our mum again? 67 00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:26,439 Ow! 68 00:03:26,439 --> 00:03:30,439 Right! 20 seconds of freedom. 69 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,759 Hey, Nick. Always your bloody phone. 70 00:03:34,759 --> 00:03:38,479 Shh, Mum. It's my boss! 71 00:03:38,479 --> 00:03:40,159 No, no, it's cool, Nick. It's cool. 72 00:03:40,159 --> 00:03:42,479 ADAM MIMICS: "No, it's cool, Nick. It's cool." 73 00:03:42,479 --> 00:03:45,599 Yeah, yeah. I think I've got the keys. 74 00:03:45,599 --> 00:03:49,599 Ow! Sorry. Glendale Road. Glendale Road. 75 00:03:51,479 --> 00:03:53,639 Bloody go away! 76 00:03:53,639 --> 00:03:56,920 Not you. Got 'em. I'll see you later. 77 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:58,840 What are you doing? Bye, Nick. 78 00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:01,280 ADAM MIMICS: "Bye, Nick!" You're such a dick! 79 00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:03,439 I know. He's coming to pick up some keys later, 80 00:04:03,439 --> 00:04:05,280 so you better not be even more of a dick. 81 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:07,680 Hmm. I'm not sure that's possible. 82 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:09,599 Your new boss is coming here? 83 00:04:09,599 --> 00:04:12,120 What? Yeah. 84 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:13,879 Freedom over. 85 00:04:13,879 --> 00:04:16,560 Martin, we're going to meet Nick later! 86 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:17,639 Nick Slater? 87 00:04:17,639 --> 00:04:21,639 Sorry? How exciting! Meeting Jonnyboo's boss. 88 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,720 Mum! You're not meeting Nick. 89 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:25,560 He's just picking up some keys for a flat. 90 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:28,160 Yeah, I know. He'll come in and say hello. 91 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:29,279 What? No way! 92 00:04:29,279 --> 00:04:30,399 Sorry? 93 00:04:30,399 --> 00:04:33,920 You mean you don't want your boss to meet your mother and father? 94 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:35,600 Why don't you want him to meet us? 95 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:37,319 Er... 96 00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:39,399 Martin! Dirty! 97 00:04:39,399 --> 00:04:41,639 Course he'll meet us... 98 00:04:41,639 --> 00:04:43,480 Is he dishy? Urgh, Auntie! 99 00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:44,920 Cos I'm availabubble! 100 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:47,920 "Availabubble"! 101 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:51,920 Great. Do you think Nick Slater would know what this is? 102 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,439 Are you availabubble for some more, madam?! 103 00:04:54,439 --> 00:04:58,439 Most availabubble! 104 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:00,079 Well, come in, then. 105 00:05:00,079 --> 00:05:02,759 You sure we're allowed, or do we have to take our socks off first? 106 00:05:02,759 --> 00:05:05,240 Uh. Funny, boys! Come in. 107 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:08,079 Oh, and wash your hands. What! We have to wash our hands now! 108 00:05:08,079 --> 00:05:11,439 Yes. You've come in from outside, so now you wash your hands. 109 00:05:11,439 --> 00:05:14,959 Are we in some kind of prison camp? 110 00:05:14,959 --> 00:05:17,800 I'm excited about meeting your boss. And so am I! 111 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:19,199 So dead! 112 00:05:19,199 --> 00:05:22,199 Val's made the crumble tonight, boys. Has she? 113 00:05:22,199 --> 00:05:24,360 Oh, we'll be having a lovely dinner. 114 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:26,160 And will we be allowed to sit at the table? 115 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:28,639 Only after we've wiped your bottoms! 116 00:05:28,639 --> 00:05:30,079 Oh, please! 117 00:05:30,079 --> 00:05:32,720 Oh, Val, can't you come and live here forever? 118 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:33,879 Sorry, just got to... 119 00:05:33,879 --> 00:05:37,879 We'd have so much fun! 120 00:05:47,439 --> 00:05:50,279 All right? Yeah, just... 121 00:05:50,279 --> 00:05:53,800 checking the keys, for Nick and... er... 122 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:57,480 going to the loo. 123 00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:59,360 Argh! Argh! 124 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:03,360 Just doing my bits. 125 00:06:04,319 --> 00:06:08,319 So this sofa, it stayed where it was, but the other sofa, your sofa, 126 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:10,560 that moved from there to... 127 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:12,399 there. 128 00:06:12,399 --> 00:06:14,879 Right. When's dinner? Yeah. 129 00:06:14,879 --> 00:06:16,480 Stop it! 130 00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:18,920 Hasn't Auntie done a fabulous job? 131 00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,079 Have you seen my stapler collection? 132 00:06:21,079 --> 00:06:23,120 Stapler collection? 133 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:24,279 BOTH: Um... 134 00:06:24,279 --> 00:06:28,279 Oh, I don't believe it! The bloody bins, again! 135 00:06:29,319 --> 00:06:31,959 Someone's not happy! 136 00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:33,639 Boys, since Auntie Val's been here 137 00:06:33,639 --> 00:06:36,079 she's really helped make the house, you know... 138 00:06:36,079 --> 00:06:38,120 Worse? Thank you, Jonathan. 139 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:40,720 No, I love making a place all nice and... 140 00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:43,600 No, you're not having the car! Now, piss off! 141 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:45,480 Larry? Larry. 142 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:48,319 Your poor auntie's having such a hard time. 143 00:06:48,319 --> 00:06:51,360 Is she? Larry won't move out the house. Won't he? 144 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:54,120 But I've still got his car, so... 145 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:56,560 Yeah, you tell him, Val! 146 00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:58,399 Yeah, the filthy, effing pig! 147 00:06:58,399 --> 00:07:01,720 Leave room? Yup! Right, look what I found, Valerie! 148 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:03,519 My stapler collection. 149 00:07:03,519 --> 00:07:05,360 Your broken stapler collection. 150 00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:08,240 Will you please stop chucking my stuff in the bloody bin! 151 00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:09,959 Oh, shut up, Martin! 152 00:07:09,959 --> 00:07:13,199 Why do you need all your broken staplers? Cos they're mementoes, you moron. 153 00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:15,720 Of what? All your exciting 'stapling adventures'? 154 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:19,439 Precisely. Now I told that woman not to go up to my office. 155 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:20,839 Stop it! 156 00:07:20,839 --> 00:07:23,959 Don't you dare go near my bloody shed! 157 00:07:23,959 --> 00:07:26,959 Oh, yeah, the bloody shed. Shhh! 158 00:07:26,959 --> 00:07:30,079 I forgot about the bloody shed! 159 00:07:30,079 --> 00:07:32,439 SHE LAUGHS 160 00:07:32,439 --> 00:07:35,079 Have fun! She's not going to the shed now, is she? 161 00:07:35,079 --> 00:07:37,159 I'm sorry...? 162 00:07:37,159 --> 00:07:38,680 BOTH: Dad! 163 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:40,639 I said to her, "Don't go in my shed." 164 00:07:40,639 --> 00:07:42,639 Where's she bloody gone? In my shed! 165 00:07:42,639 --> 00:07:44,720 Calm down! She's just making it... 166 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:46,000 ..nice. 167 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,759 Jackie, my shed is already nice. 168 00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:49,319 It's definitely not nice. 169 00:07:49,319 --> 00:07:50,639 You pillocks coming or what? 170 00:07:50,639 --> 00:07:52,360 Oh, we're not missing this! 171 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:53,439 Martin, calm down. 172 00:07:53,439 --> 00:07:55,680 What?! I am calmed down. Shoes on, Pusface... 173 00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:57,840 Bloody Val. Martin! 174 00:07:57,840 --> 00:07:59,120 SHOE SQUELCHES 175 00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:00,879 JONNY LAUGHS Oh, God... 176 00:08:00,879 --> 00:08:02,439 What is...?! Boys? 177 00:08:02,439 --> 00:08:03,839 Oh, yes. Oh, yes...! 178 00:08:03,839 --> 00:08:05,560 What has he...? JONNY CACKLES 179 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:08,560 An egg?! An egg?! Bloody halfwits. 180 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:10,439 See you later, Pusface! Jonny! 181 00:08:10,439 --> 00:08:13,560 Oh, my God, that better come out! That better come out! 182 00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:14,839 You bloody... 183 00:08:14,839 --> 00:08:16,560 I can't believe you, Jonathan. 184 00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:17,759 Classic! Classic! 185 00:08:17,759 --> 00:08:18,920 Oh... 186 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:22,920 Tramp shoes... HE GROANS 187 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:29,000 One minute... 188 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:37,360 HE GIGGLES 189 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:44,720 Mwah! 190 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:45,799 Oh, yes! 191 00:08:45,799 --> 00:08:49,799 Carpet emergency! CARPET EMERGENCY! 192 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:51,480 OK, Valerie. 193 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:53,080 Get out of my sodding shed! 194 00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:54,519 Um, sorry, don't you knock first? 195 00:08:54,519 --> 00:08:56,879 What?! Martin, your shed is a pigsty. 196 00:08:56,879 --> 00:08:58,240 I'm tidying up, OK? 197 00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:01,240 Look, leave it! Everything is in here for a reason! 198 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:02,279 Is it..? 199 00:09:02,279 --> 00:09:03,320 Shut up! 200 00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:06,159 Right, and what's the reason for this disgusting old sandwich? 201 00:09:06,159 --> 00:09:09,399 Erm... Haven't you met Professor Germs? 202 00:09:09,399 --> 00:09:10,879 Oh-ho-ho, cool shoes! 203 00:09:10,879 --> 00:09:12,440 Er, first of all... 204 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:13,519 Ow! There. 205 00:09:13,519 --> 00:09:14,840 You're in my slippers. 206 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:16,279 I thought I'd thrown them away... 207 00:09:16,279 --> 00:09:18,159 Aha! You thought wrong, didn't you, Valerie? 208 00:09:18,159 --> 00:09:22,159 Well, there's one thing I'm definitely throwing away. You just try. 209 00:09:22,559 --> 00:09:24,399 Seen this, boys? Give that to me, now! 210 00:09:24,399 --> 00:09:26,440 What is it? A tin of beef. 211 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:27,799 You are not throwing that away! 212 00:09:27,799 --> 00:09:31,399 Really? "Best before September 1996." 213 00:09:31,399 --> 00:09:33,279 What?! 1996? 214 00:09:33,279 --> 00:09:34,440 But that's, like, over... 215 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:35,840 Correct - 20 years old. 216 00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:37,679 Dad! 20-year-old meat?! 217 00:09:37,679 --> 00:09:38,720 And? 218 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:41,480 "And?!" Why are you keeping 20-year-old meat?! 219 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:44,279 Cos it's my good luck meat, isn't it? Now, give! 220 00:09:44,279 --> 00:09:47,200 Sorry, your "good luck" meat? Your "good luck" meat...? 221 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,480 It was in the shed when we moved in, so I just kept it. 222 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:51,799 Thought it might bring me luck. Right... 223 00:09:51,799 --> 00:09:54,039 And has it brought you luck? 224 00:09:54,039 --> 00:09:55,080 JACKIE: Val...? 225 00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:56,320 Well, she's still alive. 226 00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:57,360 Huh? 227 00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:00,279 Jackie, Martin has been keeping this tin of meat in here. 228 00:10:00,279 --> 00:10:01,720 Yes, his "good luck" meat. 229 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:03,679 JACKIE: Pardon? It's 20 years old. 230 00:10:03,679 --> 00:10:05,679 You've been keeping rotten food? 231 00:10:05,679 --> 00:10:08,080 What? How can it be rotten if it's in a tin? 232 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:10,240 And you were going to eat it, were you? 233 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:11,360 Well, I don't know, do I? 234 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,639 Oh, God... I told him it's going in the bin. 235 00:10:13,639 --> 00:10:15,360 Of course it's going in the bin! 236 00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:19,360 I am telling you now, that meat is going nowhere! 237 00:10:19,399 --> 00:10:20,480 Martin! 238 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,559 No, Jackie, I've bloody well had it! 239 00:10:22,559 --> 00:10:25,360 How would you like it, Valerie, if I came round your house 240 00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:27,399 and chucked all your bloody stuff in the bin, hmm? 241 00:10:27,399 --> 00:10:29,279 Well, I really wouldn't know, Martin, 242 00:10:29,279 --> 00:10:31,519 because I don't have a house at the moment, do I?! 243 00:10:31,519 --> 00:10:32,559 SHE SOBS 244 00:10:32,559 --> 00:10:33,840 ADAM WHISPERS: Nice one, Dad. 245 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:36,039 JACKIE: Yes, thank you for upsetting my friend. 246 00:10:36,039 --> 00:10:37,440 VALERIE SOBS 247 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:39,320 In the bin! Goodbye! 248 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:42,720 Jackie! Give me my meat! 249 00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:44,279 Give me my meat! 250 00:10:44,279 --> 00:10:45,519 "Give me my meat." 251 00:10:45,519 --> 00:10:47,519 Now we know what to write on his tombstone. 252 00:10:47,519 --> 00:10:50,320 JACKIE: I'm not arguing about it any more, it's going in the bin. 253 00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:52,200 Right, well, you just try... I will just try. 254 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:54,360 Good, you just try. I will just try. 255 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,200 Hello, Jackie. You look nice! 256 00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:58,480 You gave me a fright! Excuse me... 257 00:10:58,480 --> 00:10:59,519 Huh? 258 00:10:59,519 --> 00:11:01,480 Go on, Jackie, you just try. 259 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:04,720 I can't believe it. You've taped up all the bins?! Yep! 260 00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:07,639 I couldn't get the dustbins to open either, Jackie. 261 00:11:07,639 --> 00:11:09,440 Er, why were you trying to open our bins? 262 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:12,960 Oh, well, I'd just bought myself a brand-new dustbin, 263 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:15,440 and I didn't want to get it all dirty, so I thought I'd... 264 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:16,879 ..use ours? Hmmm? 265 00:11:16,879 --> 00:11:17,919 DOG WHINES 266 00:11:17,919 --> 00:11:20,120 Sorry, has your dog got fleas or something? 267 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:23,519 Oh, no, he's just wearing that to stop him from reaching his... 268 00:11:23,519 --> 00:11:24,600 ..you know. 269 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:25,639 What..? 270 00:11:25,639 --> 00:11:28,279 Sexualised parts. 271 00:11:28,279 --> 00:11:29,320 Right... 272 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:33,320 Well, Jackie, Valerie, what are you going to do now, then, hmm? 273 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:36,879 Jackie? 274 00:11:36,879 --> 00:11:39,399 Jackie! 275 00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:40,440 Open the door! 276 00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:41,559 Um, Jonny? 277 00:11:41,559 --> 00:11:42,759 Open the bloody door! 278 00:11:42,759 --> 00:11:44,399 Oh, look, your boss is here for his keys! 279 00:11:44,399 --> 00:11:46,879 Open the door! Jackie! 280 00:11:46,879 --> 00:11:48,759 Give me my meat! 281 00:11:48,759 --> 00:11:51,159 Hello, Nick! Um... Hi, Jonny. 282 00:11:51,159 --> 00:11:54,279 He keeps chewing his winky. 283 00:11:54,279 --> 00:11:57,000 Give me my shitting meat! 284 00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,720 You could have at least brought him in to say hello... 285 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,559 Mum - before I strangle you and myself - 286 00:12:03,559 --> 00:12:05,639 he just came to pick up some keys to a property. 287 00:12:05,639 --> 00:12:08,000 Yeah, Jonny had to give him the right keys to the property. 288 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,480 Exactly. What? Hm? 289 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:14,480 Adam, was he dishy? Oh, very dishy. Please! 290 00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:17,159 Where is your dad? Martin? 291 00:12:17,159 --> 00:12:19,200 He's not still looking for his tin of bloody meat. 292 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,679 Obviously he's still looking for his tin of bloody meat. 293 00:12:21,679 --> 00:12:23,240 There you are. 294 00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:25,200 Well, Martin. Did you find it? 295 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:28,240 OK, Valerie, did you hide it in the attic? 296 00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:30,519 The attic?! Dad, have you gone insane? 297 00:12:30,519 --> 00:12:33,600 Yes. Look, can we just eat? 298 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,600 Did you bury it in the garden? What?! 299 00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:37,600 Yes, she buried it in the garden. 300 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,279 Along with her faeces. 301 00:12:39,279 --> 00:12:41,879 Adam! Sorry, Val. 302 00:12:41,879 --> 00:12:45,159 You know, Jackie, maybe I should stay at my sister's tonight. 303 00:12:45,159 --> 00:12:47,519 Great, I'll take you now! Martin! 304 00:12:47,519 --> 00:12:50,159 No, Val, you are staying here tonight and that's that. 305 00:12:50,159 --> 00:12:52,120 Oh, thanks, love... Ugh! Where's the gin? 306 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:55,120 DOORBELL Oh! Go on, Pusface. 307 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:56,759 OK, Pissface. 308 00:12:56,759 --> 00:13:00,759 Ugh! 309 00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:02,799 Oh, hello. 310 00:13:02,799 --> 00:13:06,519 Sorry, is Jonny there? Erm... 311 00:13:06,519 --> 00:13:08,799 Hello, everyone, may I introduce... 312 00:13:08,799 --> 00:13:09,840 It's not Jim, is it? 313 00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:11,679 Er, hi. Sorry to interrupt. 314 00:13:11,679 --> 00:13:13,039 Nick? 315 00:13:13,039 --> 00:13:16,440 Oh, the famous Nick! Lovely to meet you. 316 00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:18,919 Jackie - Jonny's mum. Lovely to meet you too. 317 00:13:18,919 --> 00:13:21,159 Um, Jonny..? You're the man from before. 318 00:13:21,159 --> 00:13:24,080 What? Yeah. I still haven't found my sodding meat. 319 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:25,960 Thanks, Dad. Everything OK? 320 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:27,320 Valerie Lewis. 321 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:28,720 PHONE RINGS 322 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,600 Just piss off! 323 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:33,039 Ah! Er, yeah, sorry. 324 00:13:33,039 --> 00:13:36,000 Jonny, those keys you gave me - Glendale Road - they didn't work. 325 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:37,879 They didn't work? Didn't they? 326 00:13:37,879 --> 00:13:40,159 What? No, we couldn't get into the flat. 327 00:13:40,159 --> 00:13:43,039 The customers are still in the car. It's actually quite embarrassing. 328 00:13:43,039 --> 00:13:46,559 But I gave you the right ones. Yeah, you gave him the right ones. 329 00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:49,679 Er, let me check. One sec. 330 00:13:49,679 --> 00:13:53,679 Excuse me a moment. 331 00:13:56,799 --> 00:13:58,679 I don't get it. 332 00:13:58,679 --> 00:14:00,399 They were the right keys. 333 00:14:00,399 --> 00:14:04,399 They had the right address on them. Maybe they just got a bit mixed up. 334 00:14:04,559 --> 00:14:07,399 "Mixed up"? Pusface? 335 00:14:07,399 --> 00:14:11,399 Maybe these are the ones they got mixed up with? 336 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:16,159 You bloody shit! 337 00:14:16,159 --> 00:14:19,600 Sorry, Nick. Bit of a mix-up. But these are the ones. Right. 338 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:22,399 Are you sure? Yeah, absolutely. 339 00:14:22,399 --> 00:14:26,399 OK, well, sorry again, everyone. Not at all. 340 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:29,799 Wonderful to meet you. Wonderful. 341 00:14:29,799 --> 00:14:33,799 Erm, yeah, and thank you, Jonny. 342 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:36,960 I'll see you out. 343 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,799 Oooh, wasn't he dishy? Wasn't he dishy?! 344 00:14:39,799 --> 00:14:41,679 We're availabubble! 345 00:14:41,679 --> 00:14:42,840 Christ! 346 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:45,720 He swapped my keys! He swapped my bloody keys! 347 00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:47,480 Ow! What?! PHONE RINGS 348 00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:49,679 Oh, Larry again. 349 00:14:49,679 --> 00:14:51,960 Oh, Jackie, I can't keep telling him to piss off. 350 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:53,159 I can. 351 00:14:53,159 --> 00:14:55,679 He's probably sitting there all alone in his pyjamas, 352 00:14:55,679 --> 00:14:59,480 having a takeaway curry for one. Poor Larry. 353 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:02,120 Do you want me to speak to him, love? Thanks, sweetie. 354 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:04,039 He's never really liked you. 355 00:15:04,039 --> 00:15:06,240 Adam, have a word with your uncle, would you? 356 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:10,240 Auntie! 357 00:15:10,799 --> 00:15:14,799 Hi, Uncle Larry. It's Adam, Jackie Goodman's son. 358 00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:18,679 Yep. Her. 359 00:15:18,679 --> 00:15:19,879 What do you want me to say? 360 00:15:19,879 --> 00:15:22,399 Tell him we'll pay him anything to take her back. Sh! 361 00:15:22,399 --> 00:15:25,720 What's he saying? He says, "Thanks for the car." 362 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:27,879 "Thanks for the car?" 363 00:15:27,879 --> 00:15:30,480 He's saying, "Have a look out the window." 364 00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:34,480 What? 365 00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:36,960 CAR HORN HONKS 366 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:40,960 He's taking my car! Bloody bastard! 367 00:15:44,559 --> 00:15:45,879 Bloody bastard! 368 00:15:45,879 --> 00:15:47,799 Yeah, you have said that quite a lot now. 369 00:15:47,799 --> 00:15:49,480 Shall we see you back at Mum's then? 370 00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:51,000 No, you wait here. 371 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:55,000 What? Why? 372 00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:58,600 Did you bring a flame thrower? 373 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:02,600 What is she...? 374 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:07,240 Is that our crumble? What's she doing with our crumble? 375 00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:09,480 Oh, that's what's she's doing with our crumble. 376 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:13,480 Oh, God! What if Uncle Larry sees her? 377 00:16:14,399 --> 00:16:16,559 And now he's seen her. 378 00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:19,279 Hey! Wait! Come back! And now he's chasing her. 379 00:16:19,279 --> 00:16:22,799 Come back! And now we go. 380 00:16:22,799 --> 00:16:24,879 Drive! Drive! 381 00:16:24,879 --> 00:16:28,879 Come back! God! You bloody nutcase! 382 00:16:31,519 --> 00:16:34,360 Thank you again, love. Did you really like it, Jackie? 383 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:37,559 Oh, it was wonderful custard. Wasn't it, boys? 384 00:16:37,559 --> 00:16:41,440 Wonderful! Much more wonderful than custard with crumble. Sh! 385 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:45,120 Yeah, well, I'm sorry again about the crumble, but, you know. 386 00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:49,120 We know. Yes, you smeared it all over your own car. 387 00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:51,240 Where is my bloody meat? 388 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:53,519 It's probably not up the chimney, Dad. 389 00:16:53,519 --> 00:16:56,919 Jackie, I did speak to my sister, and I am going to stay there. 390 00:16:56,919 --> 00:16:59,559 Really? Joy! Tomorrow. Shit! 391 00:16:59,559 --> 00:17:01,960 Don't worry, Martin, you'll be rid of me in the morning. 392 00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:03,919 Three o'clock in the morning? 393 00:17:03,919 --> 00:17:06,799 Oh, before I forget... 394 00:17:06,799 --> 00:17:08,079 Will you stop it? 395 00:17:08,079 --> 00:17:11,400 Jackie, I cannot last another minute with that bloody woman in our house. 396 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:14,400 Martin, it's just one more night, OK? One more. 397 00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:17,759 It's like living with a demented ape. 398 00:17:17,759 --> 00:17:19,960 Here, love. 399 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:23,759 Oh, thanks! What is it? 400 00:17:23,759 --> 00:17:26,839 But these are my clothes. 401 00:17:26,839 --> 00:17:28,559 I just thought... 402 00:17:28,559 --> 00:17:31,599 Well, you never really looked nice in any of them, so, 403 00:17:31,599 --> 00:17:34,680 charity shop! 404 00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:38,680 MARTIN IMITATES MONKEY 405 00:17:39,599 --> 00:17:43,599 DOORBELL Your go! 406 00:17:45,759 --> 00:17:48,160 What the hell are you playing, at Jonny? Sorry? 407 00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:50,079 The wrong keys - again. 408 00:17:50,079 --> 00:17:54,079 What? Again?! Right. 409 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:56,839 Hold on a minute. Who is it? 410 00:17:56,839 --> 00:17:59,039 You gave him the wrong keys again?! What? 411 00:17:59,039 --> 00:18:01,079 They're the wrong fucking keys! 412 00:18:01,079 --> 00:18:05,079 Really?! Honestly, I thought they were the right ones. 413 00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:09,160 Well, which ones are they, then? Huh? 414 00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:13,599 These ones? 415 00:18:13,599 --> 00:18:15,319 These ones? Brilliant. 416 00:18:15,319 --> 00:18:17,519 Jonny? 417 00:18:17,519 --> 00:18:21,519 Nick, I'm really sorry, but you better just take the whole lot. 418 00:18:24,079 --> 00:18:26,799 And your car? Your company car? 419 00:18:26,799 --> 00:18:28,000 My car? 420 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,680 Why's it covered in curry...? 421 00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:32,000 Curry? 422 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,519 Oh, my God. 423 00:18:34,519 --> 00:18:35,839 Larry. 424 00:18:35,839 --> 00:18:39,319 The bloody bastard! 425 00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:41,400 Shit on it, he's done mine too! 426 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:45,279 Oh! Where's my phone? 427 00:18:45,279 --> 00:18:48,640 I'm guessing you'll be wanting to speak to me on Monday then? 428 00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:52,640 Oh, yeah. First thing. 429 00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:01,759 Jonnyboo... Sorry, but that woman is going right now! 430 00:19:01,759 --> 00:19:03,200 What? Martin! 431 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,480 She is out! 432 00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:08,400 Boys? OK, Valerie, that's it! 433 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:10,559 Er, can you let go of me, please? Come on, out! 434 00:19:10,559 --> 00:19:14,559 Martin! Come on! Get off! Get off! 435 00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:17,680 Is that what I think it is? 436 00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:19,279 Let go! Give it! Let go! 437 00:19:19,279 --> 00:19:20,920 Bloody give it to me, give me my meat! 438 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:22,519 Give me my meat! Give me my meat! 439 00:19:22,519 --> 00:19:24,319 Martin! Dad! 440 00:19:24,319 --> 00:19:28,319 Ah-ha! Oh, yes, well done, Martin. You found it. 441 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:30,359 Now give it back. No way, Valerie. 442 00:19:30,359 --> 00:19:33,359 Martin, give it to me, will you? I'll throw it away. 443 00:19:33,359 --> 00:19:36,000 Throw it away? But this is my lucky meat. 444 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:40,000 Now, we'll see if it's all "rotten", shall we? 445 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:44,119 Dad. Seriously? 446 00:19:44,119 --> 00:19:48,119 Rotten meat... 447 00:19:50,559 --> 00:19:52,079 THEY GROAN 448 00:19:52,079 --> 00:19:53,160 God! 449 00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:55,680 It's fine. It's perfectly good meat. 450 00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:58,160 Perfectly good meat? 451 00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:00,680 Er, you're not actually going to eat that, are you? 452 00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:03,640 No - let him, boys. Let your father poison himself. 453 00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:05,599 Come on, Martin, you've proved your point. 454 00:20:05,599 --> 00:20:07,319 Not yet, I haven't. 455 00:20:07,319 --> 00:20:08,440 THEY GROAN 456 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:10,240 Martin! 457 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:13,519 It's fine. It's absolutely fine. 458 00:20:13,519 --> 00:20:15,119 Enough, now. please! 459 00:20:15,119 --> 00:20:16,799 THEY GRIMACE 460 00:20:16,799 --> 00:20:18,920 Actually, it's very nice. 461 00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:22,200 It's delicious. 462 00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:24,119 It's OK, Martin. You're going to be just fine. 463 00:20:24,119 --> 00:20:26,319 Oh, God! It's all right, Dad. 464 00:20:26,319 --> 00:20:28,599 I've untaped your bins. 465 00:20:28,599 --> 00:20:30,480 Great, Jim. Yeah, we are a little busy. 466 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:31,519 Is he dead? 467 00:20:31,519 --> 00:20:33,680 Sadly, no - not yet. 468 00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:35,759 What happened? 469 00:20:35,759 --> 00:20:38,519 He ate some meat from a tin that was 20 years old. 470 00:20:38,519 --> 00:20:40,799 I have that sometimes. 471 00:20:40,799 --> 00:20:43,960 Really? Meat that's 20 years old?! 472 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,680 What about meat that's 30 years old? 473 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:50,559 I also eat a lot of that. 474 00:20:50,559 --> 00:20:54,559 Any room for another one? 475 00:20:57,119 --> 00:20:59,000 What? 476 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:00,079 Where am I? 477 00:21:00,079 --> 00:21:02,880 It's OK, Martin. You're all right. 478 00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:05,319 Am I... Am I still at home? 479 00:21:05,319 --> 00:21:06,799 Don't worry, Dad. It's OK. 480 00:21:06,799 --> 00:21:08,119 You're just in the hospital. 481 00:21:08,119 --> 00:21:12,119 The hospital? Thank God. 482 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:16,720 I escaped! 483 00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:19,079 Lovely. He's over there. 484 00:21:19,079 --> 00:21:20,559 Oh, shit. She's here. 485 00:21:20,559 --> 00:21:22,200 Thank you, Martin. 486 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,400 Oh, hello, doctor. Hi. 487 00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:27,240 How are you feeling now, Mr Goodman? Bloody lousy. 488 00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:30,680 Like my stomach's made out of toilets. Yeah. 489 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:33,759 There's probably some pretty nasty bacteria in this. 490 00:21:33,759 --> 00:21:37,400 What was he doing eating it? It's over 20 years old! 491 00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:38,799 Oh, and I'm sorry, Mrs Goodman, 492 00:21:38,799 --> 00:21:41,720 but we will need to keep your husband in overnight. 493 00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:45,519 Really? Oh, thank you, doctor! Thank you so much! 494 00:21:45,519 --> 00:21:47,039 Martin! PAGER VIBRATES 495 00:21:47,039 --> 00:21:49,759 One minute. 496 00:21:49,759 --> 00:21:52,599 Sorry, Jackie, I just spoke to my sister again and, 497 00:21:52,599 --> 00:21:56,440 well, she was very rude actually - she called me an annoying cow. 498 00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:59,359 Can you believe it? 499 00:21:59,359 --> 00:22:02,319 Well, I can't stay there tomorrow now, can I? 500 00:22:02,319 --> 00:22:05,640 Would you mind if I stayed at yours instead? Erm... 501 00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:07,839 And maybe for a few more days after that? 502 00:22:07,839 --> 00:22:10,599 Like, maybe another week..? 503 00:22:10,599 --> 00:22:12,559 Er... 504 00:22:12,559 --> 00:22:14,680 What do you think, Martin? Martin?! 505 00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:16,359 Dad? 506 00:22:16,359 --> 00:22:19,160 Dad! 507 00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:23,160 You better call the nurse. 508 00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:46,000 Subtitles by Red Bee Media 36350

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