All language subtitles for The Simpsons s34e19 Write Off This Episode.eng

Hey, bettors, gambling's
now legal in every state,

except the lame ones.

But in the sport
of sports-betting,

you got to sport-bet
responsibly.

So, remember to follow
these three rules.

Stick with the game plan,

unless you're down a lot
at halftime.

ANNOUNCER: If you suffer
from gambling addiction,

wait until the season is over,
and then call:

Thank you, football.

I almost forgot
to bet on the game.

TV SPORTSCASTER:
With the Atoms down 42 to zero,

we are officially
in garbage time, folks.

Our only viewers left
are degenerate gamblers

who've placed
longshot gimmick bets.

HOMER: You got to lose money
to make money.

If either team
scores any points,

we'll be eating
name-brand ramen tonight.

Let's go, either team!
Any points! Any points!

TV SPORTSCASTER: As the seconds
tick off the clock,

the Molecules are going
for a meaningless field goal

to humiliate the home team.

Yes, yes, humiliate us.

Come on, lucky ring.

You tricked Marge into staying
with me, you can do this.

TV SPORTSCASTER:
And the kick is good.

The Atoms lose 45 to zero.

Woo-hoo! You did it, points.

D'oh!

(grunting)

Okay, my ring's got to be
down here somewhere.

Man, I got to get a handyman.

We used to have the greatest
guy, what was his name?

Dave? Darryl?

(ghostly cackling)

(gasps) Is that a ghost?

If so, that means
the afterlife is real,

which would free me
from my fear of death.

(gasps) Please be a ghost.
(gasps)

The ring.

Huh? Another the ring?

(hisses)

(screams) Polecat!

Okay, little skunk,
everything's cool.

I'll just back away calmly,
leave you alone,

and hire someone to kill you.

(soft footsteps)

- (both hiss)
- (gasps) More.

- (hissing)
- It's a stink of skunks.

(whimpering)

Marge, kids, remember me
how I used to smell,

not as the horrible stench
I'm about to become.

I love you all,
to varying degrees.

(screams)

Ooh, my ring. (screams)

(both laugh)

This is my new
desert island show.

All right, turn around
and spread 'em.

Ow! Oh. (laughs)

Ooh. Ow!

More, please.

Ew, caramba!

Shouldn't you throw
those clothes out?

Rather than clean them?

Don't rob me of the one part

of your dad getting
skunk-sprayed I enjoy.

All I need is this pillowcase
and my secret ingredients.

Wow, that took care
of the skunk smell

and the Homer smell.

That's amazing, Mom.

How did you learn to do that?

Years of practice.

Your father has brought home
so many different smells.

This bag cleans them all.

Wow, an innovation like this

could really better
the lives of people

who don't have access
to washing machines.

Ooh, like the homeless?

You mean unhoused.

I do?

How come all of these
pillowcases are blue?

I think it's from my hair.
Not that I dye my hair.

It's natural. It's just such
a vibrant natural blue that...

It's okay, Mom.
The blue's a nice touch.

It's a cleaning bag.

You shake your dirty clothes
in it, and they come out fresh.

Oh. Oh, you're already doing it.

Ah, hot diggity.

I can finally get
my old job back

as a stock image model
for "man in suit."

Wow, them-there blue bags
are impressive.

Can I give it a try?

That bag of yours finally
cleaned my black hat.

Yee-haw!

Let me contribute $100
to your cause,

a Texas penny.

So, what's the name
of your charity?

Oh, we don't have a charity.

I guess you can
make it out to me.

Uh, you see, this is money
I want to deduct

while avoiding capital gains.

So, I can only contribute
to a charitable foundation.

A 501-C-HAW.

(gasps) We should become
an actual charity.

Think of how many
more people we would help.

Doesn't that involve
a lot of paperwork?

You're in luck, little lady.

I got me my accountant
right here.

Golly. Here's your articles
of incorporation, ma'am.

What do you want to call
that-there charity?

Hmm... Why not call it...

the Lisa M. Simpson Foundation.

Really?

It was your passion for change
that got us here.

I just threw some powder
in a bag.

Here's my charitable deduction.

I mean donation. I mean both.

I love anything
that gets me out of taxes.

Texas?

No, taxes. I hate taxes,

but I love Texas

'cause folks in Texas
love Texas and hates taxes.

No taxing's what Texans
stand for.

We're a charity!

BOTH:
Yee-haw!

- Yee-haw.
- Yee-haw, indeed.

I used to ride the rails,
but 'cause of you,

I traded in my bindle
for a briefcase.

We're really making a difference
in people's lives.

Even Crazy Cat Lady.

She's giving walking tours
of Springfield now.

(mumbling)

(cats yowling)

- (cameras clicking)
- (group aahing)

Lisa, can you run over
to the market

and get some more baking soda?

Wait, we're using
Hand & Armor Baking Soda?

That company is the worst.
They support child labor.

Even some of their
top executives are children.

MARGE: But the smiley hand
on the box is so cute.

Our foundation only succeeds
if we're doing good

every step of the way.

We have to make sure that
every ingredient we use

is ethically sourced,
even if it costs a little more.

Well, I can help with that.

I put the "fun mom"

in the
"fundraising thermometer."

(groans) Mom puns?

I got to wash that
out of my ears.

(grunting)

Okay, while you're
raising money,

I'll scour the world
for fair-trade, carbon-negative,

conflict-free ingredients.
Dad can take me.

Oh, that sounds terrible.

Oh, it's even worse.

I've got a good feeling about
the baking soda manufacturer

at the top of this mountain.

Oh, why can't anything good ever
be at the bottom of a mountain?

Our baking soda is actually
generated through meditation.

Every ten boxes we make,

a new monk
reaches enlightenment.

Oh, my God, I finally understand
the plot of Inception.

Now to ponder Tenet.

LISA:
Oh...

(sniffs) This is
the first empty fridge

I've ever liked.

(sniffs)

Oh, I'll take it.
How much is it?

We don't believe
in worldly possessions,

so you won't have any
after you buy it.

(whistles)

(phone whooshes)

(phone whooshes)

Show your support

for the Lisa M. Simpson Foundation.

Hey, this corner belongs
to the Salvation Army.

Give me that tin
and get out of here.

Unless you'd like
to donate blood.

(bell rings)

Oh, Marge, that was terrible.

Who knew a religious nonprofit

could be so "holier than thou"?

As a pillar of the community,
a doctor's wife,

I know the secret

to running a successful charity.

Ooh, can you tell it to me?

Even better,
I can sing it to you.

Um... I'm good, actually...

♪ It's time to stop
thinking small ♪

♪ You got to dress up
like an heiress ♪

♪ But what's the point
of this fancy ball? ♪

♪ Why, dear,
to raise awareness ♪

♪ Your charity
has to stand out ♪

♪ From all the other ones
with their hand out ♪

♪ Sadly, I'm a little squarish ♪

♪ Honey, you need
to get more garish ♪

♪ There's no better way
to show compassion ♪

♪ Than trotting out
a few Kardashians ♪

♪ Don't mean to sound like
I'm giving orders ♪

♪ But destroy those
Doctors Without Borders ♪

♪ And to really get
your donors givin' ♪

♪ Your charity needs a ribbon ♪

♪ It should be something blue ♪

♪ This one here will do ♪

♪ Get the ribbons everywhere ♪

♪ So there's not a patch
of bareness ♪

♪ Once everyone is sick of it ♪

♪ We've reached
peak awareness. ♪

Oh.

I love our new offices.

Well, it used to be
a WeWork space,

then a Theranos lab,
then production offices

for the WeWork
and Theranos TV shows.

Those businesses must have been
such successes

to have TV shows
made about them.

Mm.

Is it a little strange that

everyone has to walk through my
office to get to the bathroom?

That's your private bathroom.

(gasps) A husbandless bathroom?

I won't need a candle.

Our "Feeling Blue"
awareness campaign

is really hitting its stride.

Look at all these products
supporting our cause

with our copyrighted
shade of blue:

blue shampoo, blue conditioner,

blue shampoo plus conditioner,

and Boo Berry cereal will be
called Blueberry cereal.

LISA:
Mom.

Look at all these people.

Our little charity
has become big.

Check out our official symbol.

It's the same ribbon we use
to tie the blue bags.

They've become so popular

we've completely
run out of ribbons.

So what do you tie
the bags with?

Well, we're a little behind
in our bag making,

but we've been doing something
even more important:

raising awareness
about our bag making.

This is all very impressive,
but do we really need

a headquarters this big?

Oh, this isn't gonna be
our headquarters.

This is.

How on earth are we
paying for that?

With a generous deduction--
I mean, I mean, donation--

from our Royal Blue level donor:
Mr. Burns.

What? He is the biggest
polluter in town.

Excellent.

Honey, if we don't accept
the money,

he'll just give it
to someone else,

like the Salvation Army.
(groans)

We have to return Burns's money.

Return the money?

While you and Dad were tromping
around in the mountains,

I was building an organization

that can make
real change happen.

With what? This?

Mom, you're just allowing
evil companies to appear ethical

by slapping our color
on their product.

It's bluewashing.
That doesn't help the homeless.

We call them the unhoused.

I call them the unhoused!

Ugh! You've lost sight

of my vision for this charity.

I thought it was our charity.

Well, it's my name on the wall.

Well, it's my hair color.

- It's Clairol's color!
- (gasps)

Okay, this clearly
got out of hand.

Why don't we take
a little breather.

Okay, have we both calmed down?

I don't need to calm down.

I'm your mother.

I think I know you better
than you know yourself.

Oh, you're making
my future therapist

so rich right now.

Maybe we should take

a little bit longer of a break.

Same time tomorrow.

Okay, are you better?

(groaning)

Okay, this feels good.

I think that last break
was the clincher.

One more and we get
a free sundae. (chuckles)

I have some good news.

The board has decided
to promote you

to "The Lisa M. Simpson Foundation

Founder Emeritus."

Wait... emeritus?

I know what that means.

You're firing me?

No, we're just
de-responsibilitizing you.

Congratulations.

Here's your check.

Would you like to round up
with a donation

to the Lisa M. Simpson
Foundation?

No! I never want to hear
that name again.

It's my favorite student,
Lisa M. Simpson.

- (grunts)
- (muffled groan)

There, now you got ice cream.
Let's go.

Yeah, I heard about
what happened.

That I was forced out
by my own mother

from the charity
we created together?

I've never been fired before.

What am I supposed to do?

You don't know how long
I've been waiting for this.

Finally,
I can pass down to my kids

my vast knowledge about
what I'm truly amazing at:

- being canned.
- Really?

Oh, being fired is basically
my job these days.

In fact, I was fired yesterday
because of all the time I took

looking for ingredients
with you.

(scoffs) At least you don't
have to live in the same house

as the jerk who fired you.

Ah, anger.

The first stage in the
five stages of getting fired.

Oh, so there's
a process to this?

What's stage two?

Pretending you still have a job.

MARGE:
Homer, can you take out the garbage?

Oh, sorry, honey.
I'm late for work. Let's go.

So, how long do we have to sit
in this coffee shop?

Until my boss realizes
he made a huge mistake firing me

and begs me to come back,

but instead
I pour macaroni salad

into his sunroof.

Wasn't anger stage one?

That was righteous anger.

This is misdirected anger!
(grunts)

Ah, stage three.

Hi, Lisa. I see you're
still on the couch.

How you doing?

I'd be doing a lot better
if you moved that body

I "ruined in childbirth."

- I ruined it first. (slurps)
- (sighs)

Lisa and I aren't supposed to
have doomsday fights like this

until she's 14.

She always was precocious.
(sighs) Oh...

Now all she does
is lie around watching TV.

That's stage four:
"glowering without showering."

But don't worry,
we're almost at stage five:

"reluctant acceptance."

You'll have your daughter back,

and I won't have to
keep making up stages.

Hey, Mom, I wanted to say...

you worked so hard
to make our charity

a successful organization.

And then I came in
criticizing it

and making you feel bad.
I'm sorry.

Oh, sweetie.

Mm, mm.

So, I'll see you
at the grand opening

of the Lisa M. Simpson
Foundation Headquarters tonight?

Of course.

I'm proud of you, honey.

You're now ready for stage six:

buy podcasting equipment

but never unbox it.

And we successfully sued
Pabst Blue Ribbon

for using our trademark symbol.

From now on, they'll be known
as Pabst Teal Fabric Bow.

Our awareness is at
an all-time high.

That's great. I guess now
we can put our efforts

into helping people
on the streets.

As the wife of a surgeon,
I'm all about helping people,

but we're a mega-successful
nonprofit,

not some charity.

As the wife of a radiologist,
I agree.

But what about
all the big donations...

I mean deductions
we got from companies

for letting them put our logo
on their products?

Marge, we didn't get money
for that.

The companies paid us
in awareness.

But when do we start
helping people?

My wife's a dermatologist.

Oh, God, Lisa was right.

We have been bluewashing.

I don't deserve to walk
on the blue carpet.

Take me around back.

Mm, all this opulence
is making me queasy.

Oh, Lisa, queasiness
is just hunger in disguise,

like how a hangover
means you should drink more.

Okay, boy, what's your intel
on the passed app situation?

We got mini quiches on our six

and ahi tuna cones
at ten and two.

Fan out, and don't fall
for the bruschetta.

It's a trap to fill you up.

It's an honor to be
your chicken wing man.

♪

(groans softly)

Gil? What are you doing here?

I thought our blue bag
turned your life around.

Ah, well, it did, for a bit,
but then they demolished

the low-income housing
I was living in to build that.

Now ol' Gil is homeless.

You mean unhoused?

I'm living in a tent
on a sidewalk

and people yell at me
for it every day.

I can call it whatever I want.

(grunts)

(orchestra playing
classical music)

- (strings scratch)
- (music stops)

And here's the CEO of
the Lisa M. Simpson Foundation,

Marge Simpson.

(cheering)

I would like to thank
all of you for coming.

Actually, I would like to judge
all of you for coming.

- Huh?
- (overlapping chatter)

This charity was supposed
to help the homeless.

Instead,
we evicted people to build

this extravagant headquarters,

creating more homelessness.

More homeless on the street

will help raise awareness.

I'm done with raising awareness

and with raising money

and with razing
low-income housing.

It's time to turn
the Lisa M. Simpson Foundation

over to the one person

who knew how to run it right
all along,

Lisa Simpson.

(overlapping chatter)

Lisa Simpson's a real person?

Thanks, Mom.
As co-head of this organization,

I'm turning this building
into a shelter

- for the unhoused.
- (crowd gasping)

Marge, you have to
shut this down.

No, I have to open this up.

(overlapping chatter)

(gasps) They don't know
which fork to use.

She's wearing a dress
I gave away.

(blubbers) That's the man I had
in my windshield for a night.

Enough of this do-goodery.

Open your eyes, rich people.

We're not here to help
the less fortunate,

we're here to bask
in our fortunateness.

If we really wanted
to make a difference,

we'd do the one thing
we've spent our lives avoiding,

paying our taxes.

(laughter)

Then one organization,
"the government,"

could tackle all
of society's ills,

instead of leaving it
to 1.5 million separate

ego-driven micro-bureaucracies
called "charities,"

including-- get a load
of this scam-- religions.

But no one here wants
the rational way.

We all want the United Way

because that's the American way.

Now, I paid $10,000
for this table.

I'm taking it with me.

Thank you, Mom. You did
something really great tonight.

Now, let's turn this building
over to the homeless.

Yes. We just need
to get this notarized.

LISA and MARGE:
Yee-haw!

Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

(screams, moans)

(laughs, shudders)

(laughs) Ooh.

- Ow!
- (Marge sighs)

Mmm. (moans)

(laughs)

(screams) Ow! Oh!

(screams)

- (moans)
- (Marge sighs)

Shh!

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