Original subtitles

- Oh, Harriet, I was looking for you.

I have a very nice telegram I think you'd be interested in.

- Oh?

- It's from a lady who wants to know

why you don't sing anymore.

- Oh no, you don't.

My singing days are over.

- Oh, go on.

Let's see you try.

- Try Listerine.

Buy Listerine.

Keep breath fresh and clean with Listerine.

- Hey, that's fine.

- Listerine antiseptic, prophylactic toothbrushes

and Listerine toothpaste present America's favorite family

comedy, "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet,"

starring the entire Nelson family.

Here is Ozzie who plays the part of Ozzie Nelson.

And of course, his lovely wife Harriet as Harriet Nelson.

The older of the Nelson boys, David, appears as David Nelson.

And his younger brother, the irrepressible Ricky,

played by Ricky Nelson.

The Nelson's next door neighbor, Thorny,

is played by Don DeFore.

- Go ahead, Ricky. Ask him.

- You ask him.

He's your father.

- He's your father, too.

You ask him.

- What's the matter?

You afraid or something?

- What's the big consultation all about?

- We want to ask you a question, Pop.

- Well, here I am.

Go ahead.

- We were just wondering, can we to the movies this afternoon?

- Well, sure.

Why not?

- Gee, thanks, Pop.

Now ask him the rest, David.

- Go ahead, Dave.

- Well, it's the funniest thing.

We don't seem to have any allowance left.

Isn't that the funniest thing?

- Oh, where did your allowance go?

- I don't know, Pop.

- Mine went to Mr. Schulz at the ice cream store.

- Well, if you guys spent your allowance, you spent it

and I'm sorry.

- Gee, we're very sorry, too.

- We thought maybe we could have a little advance.

- What's this about an advance?

- Oh, it seems the boys have gone through their allowances

already.

- Well, you just got them day before yesterday.

What happened? - I don't know, Mom.

- We're just big spenders, I guess.

- All well and good, but I think it's about time

you guys learned to appreciate the value of money.

- Oh, we do, Pop.

- Well, evidently Ricky doesn't.

- Sure I do, Pop.

You can't buy anything without it.

- Not exactly what I had in mind.

I think if you guys had to earn your own money you wouldn't

be in such a hurry to spend it.

- Maybe we could get jobs after school.

- Well, no, that isn't necessary.

If you guys want to earn some money,

there are plenty of jobs you can do right around the house here.

Make things a little easier for your mother.

- Sounds very interesting to me, dear.

- Me too, Pop.

- How about you, Rick?

- I'd rather hear more of the details.

- I haven't figured out any details yet.

Tell you what I'll do, though, I'll

write down a whole list of household chores

you guys can do.

That is, if your mother doesn't mind having her work made

a little easier. Where are you, Harriet?

- I'm right here and it sounds fine to me.

I brought you a book and a pencil.

- Oh, fine.

- When do we get paid?

- You'll get paid.

I'm going to devise a point system.

For every job you do you'll get a certain number of points.

- What are the points for, Pop?

- Well, for instance, if you help your mother clear off

the table, that would be, say, 5 points

and you guys would get paid a penny a point.

- That sounds like a good idea to me.

There's only one thing, though.

Suppose the boys get lazy and decide they've

made enough for one week?

- Well, then we could use a system

we used at Boy Scout camp.

We could give them demerits.

- What are those?

- Well, if you don't do a job, that counts against you.

- I thought it sounded too good.

- It's fair, Ricky.

- Like what, Pop?

- Well, for instance, suppose you come to the table

without washing your hands, that would account points

against you, and at the end of the week

those points would be deducted from the point you

earned for doing various jobs.

- Heck, I'll wind up with minus points.

- You just have to remember to wash your hands before coming

to the table, that's all.

- I do, Mom.

There must be something wrong with my hands.

I just can't seem to get them clean.

- Well, David seems to manage all right.

- Oh, yeah, Mom, but he uses soap.

- I think we can work this out very equitably at the same time

save your mother a lot of work.

- How can we earn the points, Pop?

- Oh, there'll be various things you can do around the house.

I'll make out a whole list of things and the points

you get for each thing you do.

- We'll be rich in no time, boy.

- Better not count your chickens before they're hatched.

- Chickens?

Heck, I thought we were going to get money.

- Well, sure you are, but your father

doesn't want you to have it all spent before you've earned it.

- I tell you what I'll do.

I'll take this in the other room and I'll

figure out the whole deal.

The jobs you do and how many points for each job.

- Just a minute.

- Hi.

- Well, hi, Barb. Come on in.

- Well, I just dropped by for a minute.

I was in the neighborhood and I thought

I'd try to coax you to come to the PTA meeting this Wednesday.

- Well, fine.

Come on in and sit down.

I'm going to surprise you.

I think I can probably make it this week.

- Oh, that's wonderful, Harriet.

You haven't been to a meeting in ages.

Everybody's been asking about you.

- Oh, thank you.

Well, I think I'm going to have a little extra time from now

on.

- Oh, is Ozzie going away on a trip or something?

- No, but the boys wanted a little extra spending money

so Ozzie's worked out a system for them.

- Well, I didn't even know Ozzie played the horses.

- He doesn't.

This is a household merit system so the boys

can take over a few of my daily chores for me.

- Oh. Well, how does the system work?

- Well, he's made up this list of things for the boys to do

and they get a certain number of points for each job.

- Oh, that sounds interesting. May I see it?

- Mm-hmm.

I haven't even seen it myself yet.

- Mowing the lawn, 25 points.

Carrying out the trash cans, 10 points.

My goodness, Harriet, do you mow the lawn

and carry out the trash cans? - Oh, no.

Ozzie does that.

- That's what I thought.

Wash the car, 20 points.

- Ozzie usually does that, too.

- Hey, wait a minute, Barbara.

Cleaning out the garage, painting the screens,

repairing the workbench.

- Was something wrong?

- Oh no.

No, it's a beautiful list as far as it goes.

It's just that by a strange coincidence

all these things are jobs that Ozzie always does.

- Oh, my goodness, Harriet.

You've got lots of pages in that book.

Fill them up with a few jobs you'd like to get out of.

- By a strange coincidence, that's

exactly what I had in mind.

- Well, boys, I've got the list all made out

with your various duties.

So, Harriet, I'd like you to take a look at this, too.

- Oh, I'm very interested, dear.

- See, I've got this little book marked off

into days and at the end of the week is a space for the credits

that the boys have earned.

See, and right in this column is the total

so they can see at a glance just where they stand.

- May I look at the book for a minute?

- Yeah, sure.

- Oh, do you mind if I make a few suggestions?

I'd like add a few things. - No, no, no.

Go right ahead. I'll write them down.

- All right. Let's see.

I think the boys could get credit for making their beds

and cleaning up their room.

Putting towels away.

Setting the table.

- Oh, Harriet.

We don't want to make sissies out of them.

- Well, they do all those things at camp.

Soldiers do them. Sailors.

- Oh, OK.

I'll put them down.

- Let me see.

What else?

Let me look at that.

You've got the boys washing the car, carrying out the trash,

mowing the lawn.

For goodness sake's, dear, you've left yourself out.

- Oh, well, naturally.

- Well, I don't think that's fair to you.

You ought to get paid the same as the boys.

- Well, but I was going to get out of--

I mean, I want to let the boys enjoy themselves.

- We don't mind, Pop.

- Heck no.

- Hey, I have an idea.

Why don't you do the outside chores, and that'll

leave the boys free to help me with all

the bothersome little things?

- But Harriet, this changes the whole plan.

- Oh no, dear.

Now let's figure this thing out.

A man is paid according to his ability to produce.

- Yeah.

- Therefore, you should definitely

be paid more than the boys.

- Oh.

- Suppose we make yours $1 a point.

- $1 a point.

Well, yes, yes.

That's not bad.

- And the man is taxed according to his ability to pay.

- Uh-oh.

- Therefore, you should be fined $1 a demerit.

- Well, now, I don't want to be shown any favoritism, Harriet.

If the boys are only paid a penny a point then

I should only be paid a penny a point.

- Oh no, dear.

That wouldn't be fair.

- It's OK, Harriet.

And if the boys are only fined a penny a demerit,

then I'm willing to go along with that, too.

- I want to get $1 a point.

- Same here.

- Well, OK, if that's the decision.

Then I'll get paid $1 a point and I'll

be fined a penny a demerit.

- Oh, no.

You get paid and fined the same amount.

- Harriet, maybe you'd like to take over the book.

- Oh, thank you, dear.

- Let's see now.

For carrying out the trash you ought to get 10 points.

For washing the car, 20 points.

For helping me carry out the dinner dishes, 5 points.

Well, for goodness sake's, for those three things

you get paid $5.

Isn't that wonderful?

- No, that's marvelous.

Who pays me?

- You pay yourself.

- I'm afraid we better get somebody cheaper.

I can't afford me.

- I figured so.

- Oh no, you know I hate to owe people money

and you know how tough I am about getting

paid the money that's owed me.

- Oh, I think you've hit on a wonderful idea.

- Oh, thank you.

- Certainly will get things done.

Beds made, car washed.

- Car washed?

Who said anything about washing the car?

It doesn't need washing.

- I think you better wash it tomorrow.

Besides, I have several other things you can do.

You'll be earning lots of points.

- Harriet, don't go to any trouble on my account.

- Oh, it's no trouble at all.

I have lots of things I want done.

- I've really created something here.

- Well, you'll be having quite a busy day tomorrow, dear,

so why don't you go downstairs and read your paper and relax?

- Well, no thanks.

I'm more in a book reading mood.

- I'll get it for you, Pop.

What book do you want to read?

- No, the book is downstairs, David.

Don't bother.

It's a book I feel a peculiar kinship for at the moment.

- What book is that, Pop?

- Well, it's all about a man who had a brilliant idea.

- Gee, just like you, Pop.

- Yes, I'm struck by the similarity.

- What was his name?

- Frankenstein.

- Ozzie and Harriet we'll be back in just a moment.

- Hi, Oz.

- Oh, hello, Thorny.

- What's the matter with David? - Why?

- I just saw him dashing off down the street with your suit

on his arms.

- Oh, he's just trying to earn a little extra money.

- Yeah?

Well, I bet he doesn't get more than $5 for it.

- He's not trying to sell it.

He just took it down to the cleaners for me.

That should give him about 10 points.

- What do you mean 10 points?

- Well, see, I worked out a little system for the boys.

They do little household chores and they

get so many points for each job and then

I pay them a penny a point.

It's a good deal.

- It sounds to me like you've figured out

a cheap way to get them to do all the work around the house.

- No, no, no, no.

They just do the light stuff.

I do all the heavy work.

- Well, exactly what do you consider heavy work?

Folding the napkins, removing the rubber

band from the morning paper?

- I mean real heavy stuff like carrying out those big trash

cans or polishing the car, you know, stuff like that.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

That is tough work.

- Oh, this is terrible, Thorny.

- What's the matter?

- Well, I was supposed to carry out the trash cans last night

and I forgot all about it.

- Well, you were probably so busy washing the car

it just slipped your mind.

- Yes, that's a good excuse but why did I

forget to wash the car?

- You mean you didn't do that either?

- I forgot all about it.

Wow.

It's $30.

- Now, wait a minute, Oz.

You mean to tell me you get $30 for not washing the car?

Where do I apply?

- No, no, no, no.

It's a demerit system as well as a merit system, you see.

Oh, boy.

Well, how about helping me carry out these trash cans?

How many points do I get?

Now what's the matter?

- For goodness sake's.

Well, somebody evidently carried them out for me.

There they are right out there by the curb.

- Well, how do you like that?

- Gee, that's strange.

Well, I better get to work polishing the car.

How about giving me a hand with that?

- Now, wait a minute, Oz.

I agreed to help you take the trash cans out.

Washing cars is just out of my line.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll compromise.

I'll come over and watch you.

- Well, that's mighty nice of you, Thorny.

Just don't strain yourself.

- Hey, wait a minute, Oz.

This car has already been polished.

I've never seen it look so spic and span.

- Well, what the heck is going on around here?

- Wait, Oz.

I think you've been working too hard.

You better take it easy. You're going to crack up.

- Thorny, I didn't polish this car

and I didn't carry out those trash cans.

How about this?

David and Ricky have been doing their jobs and mine, too.

- Are you complaining?

- Well, yes, Thorny.

I mean, I want to do my own work.

I was supposed to set an example for the boys.

- Well, I think you're setting a fine example for them.

You're sure setting one for me.

Just watching you I've learned how

to become a very successful bum.

- Thorny, don't rub it in.

Gee, I better hunt up a few chores I can do.

- Why don't you come over and polish my car?

- No, no thanks.

There's plenty I can do right around my own house.

Holy smokes.

I'm supposed to be in the kitchen

right now helping Harriet polish the silver.

- Boy, you're sure batting 1,000 today.

- Right away before the kids do that, too.

- Oh, there you are.

I bet you thought I'd forgotten I was supposed

to help you with the silver.

- Yes, I did.

- Well, I didn't forget.

I must admit it slipped my mind temporarily

but then it came to me like a flash.

Well, where do we start?

- Well, thank you, dear, but I just finished.

- Well, I'll help you to put it away then.

- Oh, no. That's all right.

I'll put it away.

I know where everything goes.

- Oh gee, I wish you'd waited just a few more minutes.

It's only 3:30, Harriet.

- I'm sorry, dear.

I wanted to get it out of the way

before I get dinner started.

- Oh, here, I'll put this polish way for you.

I don't know how this slipped my mind.

- Well, you can't be expected to remember everything.

- Well, it's one of my jobs.

- Oh, I don't mind.

Whole thing's working out beautifully isn't it?

- Well, the boys are sure doing a good job.

- Well, you're doing a good job, too.

- Oh, I'm in there pitching but I'm not hitting very well.

- Don't worry about the silver.

Washing the car and taking the trash cans out

must have been quite a job.

- Yeah, I imagine so.

- You look all worn out.

- Oh, no.

I'm not too tired.

- Well, you look tired.

Why don't you go and lie down and rest for a while and I'll

call you when dinner's ready?

There's such a thing as overwork, you know?

- No.

- Hi, Pop.

- Oh, hello, son.

- Don't you feel very good?

- Oh yeah, sure.

I was just resting my eyes here for a moment.

- What have they been doing?

- Well, they've been trying to keep up with you and David.

Don't you think you two guys have been

overdoing this a little bit?

- What do you mean, Pop?

- Well, I mean, it's nice to be ambitious,

but I think you guys have been working a little too hard.

- We want to make a lot of money, boy.

- Well, I know but carrying out those big heavy trash cans

and washing the car all in one morning.

That's a little too much.

- Gee, did we do that?

- Well, didn't you?

- How many points is it worth?

- About 30 points to you guys.

- 30 points.

Gee, I guess we did do it, Pop.

- Now wait a minute.

Did you and David carry out the trash cans and wash the car

or didn't you?

- If you say we did, I guess we did, Pop.

You're the boss.

- I know, but you don't want to take credit for something

you didn't do now.

- I guess David did do it by himself.

- Holy smokes.

That's too much work for David.

I mean, he'll overdo it.

30 points is no good to you if you're lying in bed dead tired.

No fun in that.

- Well, you could count your money.

- I hate to bother you, dear.

- Oh no, that's OK. Hi, Dave.

- Hi, Pop.

- Well, if it isn't too much trouble,

David would like to figure out the points.

- So would I, Pop.

- Oh, gee.

Isn't it a little early for that?

- No, I don't think so.

They've accumulated quite a few.

There's a little book over here that's got everything listed.

- Oh, OK.

Here's a pencil, Pop.

- Well, you guys call out the jobs you've done

and I'll mark them down.

OK, Dave, you go first.

- I took your brown suit to be pressed.

- Pressing suit, 10 points.

- Now, Ricky?

- I took your brown suit to be pressed.

- Wait a minute, David took my brown suit to be pressed.

- Yeah, but he got it awful wrinkled on the way back, Pop.

- OK, 10 points for Rick.

David?

- I helped Mom carry out the breakfast dishes.

- Carrying out dishes is 5 points.

Ricky?

- Well, Ozzie, you're in this, too, dear.

- Oh, well, I figured I'd tabulate

the boys' points first.

- Oh no, you go ahead, Pop.

- Well, let's see.

Oh, this morning at breakfast I poured orange juice

in all the glasses.

If you recall, that's not worth more than, say, one point,

I guess.

- Or let's make it a half a point.

That would be 50 cents.

Well, 20 certs.

20 cents for dad.

Ricky?

- I made my bed.

- Making bed.

Let's see, 10 points.

David?

- I made my bed, too, Pop.

- 10 points.

- It's your turn again, dear.

- Oh, well, I went out to the front door

and got the morning paper.

That's, say, 10 cents.

- Gee, the paper only costs 7 cents.

- Well, let's make it 7 cents then shall we?

7 cents.

David?

- I emptied the waste baskets.

- Waste baskets.

3 points.

- I lit the match.

- 1 point.

- Gee, only one point?

That's pretty dangerous work Pa.

- Well, I know, but it's also a lot of fun.

Besides, don't forget we're not giving you

any demerits for fooling around with matches.

- Your turn, Ozzie.

- My turn again.

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, let's see.

I took the rubber band off the paper

when I brought it in this morning.

- Well, isn't that part of getting the paper?

- Part of getting the paper.

Yeah.

Let's see.

Oh, last night-- Last night Ricky

kind of used it as an excuse to get up out of bed.

I don't mind.

I used to do the same thing when I was a little boy.

But he said he wanted a glass of water you see.

So I got Ricky a glass of water.

10 cents.

- I drank it.

Five cents.

- Ricky, we don't get points for drinking water.

- How much did we get so far, Pop?

- Let me see.

David, you have 28 points and Rick has 26.

- Can we have the cash right now?

- Oh, I guess so.

- I get 26 cents, Pop.

- Yeah.

25, 26.

- Thanks, Pop.

- There.

28, there you are. - Thanks, Pop.

- OK, you earned it.

- Can we spend it at the malt shop?

- You can spend it any place you want.

It's your money. - Come on, Ricky.

Open the door.

- How many points?

- Open the door, will you?

- OK.

See you later, Mom, Pop.

- Don't be gone too long, boys.

- We won't, Mom.

- The boys really did all right, didn't they?

- I said the boys did all right for themselves.

- For goodness sake, Ozzie.

Look, you didn't put down carrying out the trash

and washing the car.

- Oh, well, David didn't mention it.

- Well, David, what's he got to do with it?

- Oh, well, I might as well tell you.

Harriet, I forgot to carry out the trash cans

and I forgot to wash the car, too.

David did both of those jobs for me.

- Oh, well, let's see, dear.

If you didn't do your work, that's 30 demerits.

- No, no wait a minute.

You can't give demerits for work that was done.

The only fair thing is to give the points

to the person who did the job.

Just put down 30 points for David

and I'll give him the 30 cents later on.

- OK, if you think that's fair.

- Well, sure.

Wait a minute.

You're putting down the 30 points under Harriet.

- Well, naturally.

I did the work so I got 30 points.

- You mean you polished the car and you carried out

those heavy trash cans?

- Well, sure.

I wanted to have some fun, too.

- I thought I felt calluses on your hands

when we shook hands good night last night.

- I also polished the silver for you.

That's 5 more points.

- OK, put down 35 cents.

- Oh no, dear, don't you remember?

We grown-ups get $1 a point.

You owe me the grand total of $35.

- $35?

This woman has a heart of stone.

- I'll get your wallet for you, dear.

It's right here in your coat, isn't it?

Oh, don't bother to get up.

- Are you kidding?

I don't believe I can get up.

- I'll admit, it is quite a lot of money.

I'll make a deal with you.

I'll settle for $15.

- Well, I'm not exactly in a bargaining position.

What can I do?

I'll accept your offer.

- Oh, there's a beautiful hat at the Emporium.

$15 is just what it costs.

I saw it yesterday and it's really lovely.

- OK, put it on, let me take a look at it.

I haven't got it here.

- Oh, well, at least you were honest enough not

to buy it until--

- It's hidden in the hall closet.

- Harriet, you mean to say this whole thing was a scheme

of yours just to get a new hat?

- Well, no, dear, of course not.

Don't you remember?

The whole thing was your idea.

- Well, yes, it was my idea that the boys

earned their own money.

I'm just trying to figure out where it detoured.

I guess you wouldn't exactly call it a scheme, though,

would you? - Of course not.

- In the first place, you never scheme against me.

- Of course I don't.

- But you do play little jokes on me occasionally

and this was a little $35 joke.

- $15.

- Oh, yes. $15.

Husband and wives are always playing little jokes

on each other.

There's no harm in that.

- None at all.

- I mean, that's all part of married life.

Playing little jokes on each other and having fun like that.

You certainly couldn't call that scheming.

- Well, I should say not.

- Oh, by the way, dear, my back itches.

Would you mind scratching it for me?

- Oh, well, certainly.

Where does it itch?

- Just a little above the knife.

- Ozzie and Harriet will be back in just a moment.

- Oh, there you are.

I was looking for you.

- I was looking for you, too.

- How do you like it?

- How do I like what?

- My new hat.

- Well, maybe I need Polaroid glasses or something.

Is it a 3D hat?

I can't see it.

- Oh, I forgot.

You can't see it from the front.

- Oh, yeah.

- It's a beanie, you like it?

- Oh yeah, that's very cute.

I think you should have gotten it for half price, though.

It's only half a hat.

- Oh.

- Speaking of new things, how do you like my new coat?

- Oh, that's very smart.

- It isn't like your hat.

You can appreciate this from the front or the back.

- Oh, you stop picking on my hat.

I think it's cute.

- Oh, yeah, I do, too.

It's a funny thing, the boys usually don't

make much comment about my new clothes

but they really like this coat.

In fact, Ricky got so enthused he slapped me

on the back a couple of times.

- How about that.

- Yeah, I hate the same immodest but I took a little walk

around the block and golly you should

have seen all the people staring after me, looking at the coat.

It made quite a hit.

You like it, huh?

- Oh, it's very nice. Yeah.

- See if you like it from the back.

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- Next week, "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet,"

starring the entire Nelson family--

Ozzie, Harriet, David, and Ricky--

Will be brought to you by Hotpoint quality appliances.

Remember, look to Hotpoint for the finest first.

- Barbara Eiler played the part of Barbara Peabody.

- Don't forget that a completely different episode

of "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

is heard every Friday night on radio.

Consult your newspaper for time and radio station.