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1
00:00:20,399 --> 00:00:22,320
Thanks for coming, Artie.
2
00:00:22,399 --> 00:00:26,320
Well listen, man. I worry about you too.
What's going on ?
3
00:00:27,359 --> 00:00:29,839
- I'm kinda freaking out.
- You are ?
4
00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:34,320
About the, you know, the roast.
It's not my natural habitat to be...
5
00:00:34,399 --> 00:00:36,399
Funny ? I mean, yeah.
6
00:00:36,479 --> 00:00:38,880
To be mean. See, no, but that's good.
That's why I wanna talk to you.
7
00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:41,000
I wanna see if I can...
I'm trying to be mean,
8
00:00:41,079 --> 00:00:42,640
and I thought I could run some by you.
9
00:00:42,719 --> 00:00:44,240
I can't help you with roast jokes.
10
00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:46,159
I'm a judge on the same show,
you know that.
11
00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:49,119
I have a code of ethics, despite
what you might think. I really do.
12
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:51,560
I know. I'm not asking
for you to write jokes for me.
13
00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:52,880
Yes, you are.
That's what you're asking.
14
00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:53,960
Just a sounding board.
15
00:00:54,039 --> 00:00:56,359
Honestly, you're gonna be fine.
I'm serious.
16
00:00:56,439 --> 00:00:59,240
You just need a little ammo going in.
You're better at this than you think.
17
00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:02,079
You need fat guy stuff,
ugly guy stuff, gay stuff,
18
00:01:02,159 --> 00:01:04,079
fat ugly gay stuff.
19
00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:07,120
All the word...
I don't wanna call somebody fat,
20
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,239
somebody I don't even know.
Somebody ugly.
21
00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:12,799
- So ?
- It's just not... it doesn't feel good.
22
00:01:12,879 --> 00:01:15,959
The only part of a roast that I like is
when you say the nice parts at the end.
23
00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:17,480
- Oh, okay.
- Maybe I'll just do that.
24
00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:20,640
Right. I didn't know I was having
brunch with Michael Landon.
25
00:01:20,719 --> 00:01:23,000
If this freaks you out so much,
why are you even doing it ?
26
00:01:23,079 --> 00:01:26,799
Well, Ali's doing it and I wanted
to show her that I could do it too.
27
00:01:26,879 --> 00:01:31,560
She thinks I'm like a fluffy butterfly
man, that has no spine.
28
00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:34,239
She doesn't think I have any grit.
I want to do good for her.
29
00:01:34,319 --> 00:01:37,680
You have to do this for yourself. You
gotta get at the jugular vein with this.
30
00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:39,319
You know, honestly, you know
what happened to me once ?
31
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:42,480
I was on a deus with Rich Vos,
and he said this about me.
32
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:47,000
He said, "The worst thing about 911
was Artie Lange lives in New Jersey."
33
00:01:47,079 --> 00:01:49,239
If I said that,
I wouldn't sleep for a week.
34
00:01:49,319 --> 00:01:51,920
If you said that,
you might have a development deal.
35
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:54,120
I don't like being mean.
36
00:01:56,519 --> 00:01:57,920
CRASHING
37
00:01:58,000 --> 00:01:59,560
Season II, episode 8
38
00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:04,640
Battle ! Battle ! Battle ! Battle !
39
00:02:08,719 --> 00:02:11,039
You know Mike Lawrence.
You're a really good writer.
40
00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:12,240
I've always love your writing,
41
00:02:12,319 --> 00:02:16,000
especially all that stuff you do
on cardboards at red lights.
42
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:22,400
Sarah is like a good breakfast.
She's got pancake tits,
43
00:02:22,479 --> 00:02:25,439
a butter face,
and a limited supply of eggs.
44
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:29,400
Mike, you have such a beach body,
45
00:02:29,479 --> 00:02:31,680
and by that I mean the body
of somebody that's been murdered
46
00:02:31,759 --> 00:02:34,120
and washes up on the shore.
47
00:02:36,319 --> 00:02:39,240
Sarah's from Georgia. You know,
it's been tough for her finding a man.
48
00:02:39,319 --> 00:02:42,159
She just can't seem to find
Mr. Alt Right.
49
00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:52,360
Are you nervous ?
50
00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,759
- I'm freaking out.
- Okay. Just get a drink.
51
00:02:55,840 --> 00:03:00,000
Yeah, maybe I will.
Who's your first battler, do you know ?
52
00:03:00,479 --> 00:03:05,240
Oh, Damien Lemon. I think he's...
Oh, yeah, he's right over there.
53
00:03:06,199 --> 00:03:09,479
He looks, you know,
he doesn't look, you know, too mean.
54
00:03:10,039 --> 00:03:12,439
- Maybe I'll get a Pino Grig.
- Feels appropriate.
55
00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:15,000
Whatever's fresh. Chard.
56
00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:17,080
Hey, sorry.
They're almost done upstairs.
57
00:03:17,159 --> 00:03:19,800
- You're next, all right ?
- Cool.
58
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:23,080
Man, Matteo called me
Cedric the Entertainer.
59
00:03:23,159 --> 00:03:26,520
Knocked me right out.
Fucking twerp. I don't look like him.
60
00:03:26,599 --> 00:03:27,960
- No.
- I don't think you do.
61
00:03:28,039 --> 00:03:31,840
- At least you can relax now.
- Relax ? You don't want $5,000 ?
62
00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:35,319
Well, yeah, of course, but,
you know, whew. You're done.
63
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:37,520
- I'm Pete. We haven't met.
- That's Pete.
64
00:03:37,599 --> 00:03:39,479
- Hey, Pete.
- I'm Ali's boyfriend.
65
00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:41,560
This is your boyfriend ?
He's straight ?
66
00:03:41,639 --> 00:03:43,560
You look like you coach
girl's field hockey.
67
00:03:43,639 --> 00:03:46,840
You look like Heman's flabby brother,
Heflab.
68
00:03:47,439 --> 00:03:49,400
Everybody's still in roast mode.
69
00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:51,360
You look like you're the mascot
for soup.
70
00:03:51,439 --> 00:03:53,599
How much food for winter
are you storing in your neck ?
71
00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:56,400
Girl, fuck me instead.
I got a bigger dick than he does.
72
00:03:56,479 --> 00:03:59,960
I'm on fire ! Let me roast you
next time. You suck.
73
00:04:00,039 --> 00:04:02,039
All right. I'm gonna get a drink.
74
00:04:04,599 --> 00:04:05,919
You'll do great.
75
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:10,639
It looks like we found Waldo,
you guys. In a ditch.
76
00:04:11,759 --> 00:04:14,560
Yeah. I was lying next to your career.
77
00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:27,360
That was a blood bath.
Artie, who do you like in this one ?
78
00:04:27,439 --> 00:04:30,480
In honor of everyone in Jersey,
I'm going with the broad.
79
00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:32,879
Good job, Sarah.
80
00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:35,240
Beth Stelling ?
81
00:04:35,319 --> 00:04:38,959
Sarah blink twice if this is actually
a hostage situation.
82
00:04:39,399 --> 00:04:42,480
Listen, never side with the victim,
so I'm going with Mike.
83
00:04:42,839 --> 00:04:45,519
Whoo, tied up, Jeff.
Who do you like ?
84
00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:49,000
Well, you both had some great jokes.
You both killed. This is tricky.
85
00:04:49,079 --> 00:04:50,519
Sarah's from the south,
86
00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:54,800
but Mike looks like the Confederate
General she named her cat after.
87
00:04:55,839 --> 00:04:59,000
I think Mike squeaked this one out.
Congrats, Unibomber !
88
00:04:59,079 --> 00:05:01,439
That's Mike Lawrence !
89
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:08,720
That brings us to our next challengers.
90
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:12,160
She's a left-leaning Jew,
his dad left when he was two.
91
00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:14,240
It's Black Lives Matter
versus Stepford Wives.
92
00:05:14,319 --> 00:05:17,240
Make it loud
for Damien Lemon and Ali Reissen !
93
00:05:23,959 --> 00:05:25,519
Battlers, are we ready ?
94
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:27,399
Oh, yeah. I mean, I think
this is gonna be a fair battle,
95
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:29,319
because even though I have
more experience roasting,
96
00:05:29,399 --> 00:05:32,920
Damien has more experience
speaking in front of judges, so...
97
00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:35,600
Here here.
98
00:05:36,319 --> 00:05:39,160
Speaking of judges, this is the closest
I've felt like O.J. Simpson,
99
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,639
because I'm about to murder
this white bitch and walk off scot free.
100
00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:49,920
All right, save that heat.
Who wants to go first ?
101
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:52,920
- Ladies first.
- I totally agree. Damien...
102
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:55,519
Damien, you're up. Let's roast !
103
00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,879
Roast ! Roast ! Roast ! Roast !
104
00:05:59,759 --> 00:06:01,480
Ali, I'm on MTV.
105
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:05,759
I think you should be too, you know ?
You got the body of a Teen Mom,
106
00:06:05,839 --> 00:06:10,319
you got the face of a Catfish
and your pussy is Wild N' Out.
107
00:06:10,399 --> 00:06:12,600
Wild N ! Wild N !
108
00:06:14,279 --> 00:06:16,959
That joke was weaker
than Damien's credit score.
109
00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:20,199
Now listen, it's true Damien,
110
00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:23,959
you book a lot of roles
even though you're a shitty actor.
111
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:28,399
Before each take, the director
has to yell, "Affirmative Action !"
112
00:06:29,439 --> 00:06:33,399
Ali, you look like white privilege
had an HR department.
113
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:41,959
Damien, you look like a black
ghost that haunts barber shops.
114
00:06:43,079 --> 00:06:45,759
Ali, you're name is beautiful,
you know ?
115
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:49,120
Your parents named you
after the place you were conceived.
116
00:06:58,399 --> 00:07:02,839
Hey, Tony. Pete Holmes.
We're roasting each other.
117
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:06,720
Have you done this before ?
118
00:07:07,759 --> 00:07:09,639
I'd rather not talk.
119
00:07:10,319 --> 00:07:11,680
Excuse me ?
120
00:07:11,759 --> 00:07:15,439
It's just anything I say could be
something that you use against me.
121
00:07:15,519 --> 00:07:19,360
Oh, no. I already wrote my jokes.
They're not even that mean.
122
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:21,600
Are yours ?
123
00:07:22,519 --> 00:07:26,000
Serious. Truce, you know.
We can just shoot the breeze.
124
00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:29,360
See ? Now I know you say things
like "shoot the breeze"
125
00:07:29,439 --> 00:07:32,079
and that you have really soft hands.
126
00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:36,399
They're sweaty too.
127
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:43,959
Ali, you had some great jokes,
super hilarious. You got my vote.
128
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:46,680
Thank you.
129
00:07:46,759 --> 00:07:49,600
- Beth Stelling, who do you like ?
- I pick Ali !
130
00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:52,959
Ali wins ! Hug each other !
131
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:00,680
- Peter !
- Ah, what ? Hi !
132
00:08:00,759 --> 00:08:02,399
Hey, man, sorry we're late.
Did we miss anything ?
133
00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:05,120
No. What ?
What are you doing here ?
134
00:08:05,199 --> 00:08:06,680
We came here to support you, brother.
135
00:08:06,759 --> 00:08:08,399
Yeah. Leif saw it on your Instagram.
136
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:11,160
And, frankly, I couldn't imagine you
roasting anyone, so...
137
00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:14,959
Yeah. Yep. You never used
to come to my shows,
138
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:18,279
so it's a little bit, you know,
it's jarring to see you.
139
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:21,879
- I'm being supportive.
- Yeah, thank you.
140
00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:24,279
Thank you both.
Why don't we see if...
141
00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:27,040
- Hey, who's this ?
- Hey, man, I'm Leif. This is Jess.
142
00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:28,680
Are you competing too ?
143
00:08:28,759 --> 00:08:31,399
Yeah. Pete and I are roasting
each other.
144
00:08:31,759 --> 00:08:35,480
Oh, boy. Careful though, 'cause
he looks really sweet, but he's not.
145
00:08:35,559 --> 00:08:38,039
He practices his roasting on me
all the time.
146
00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:42,360
- I see. And who are you exactly ?
- Well, it's a short, fun cool story.
147
00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:45,320
I don't really think that's a fun story.
Not for the guy who's roasting me.
148
00:08:45,399 --> 00:08:48,120
- Well, we're intertwined.
- We were married.
149
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:50,679
- No...
- Yeah. Now we're roommates.
150
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,600
- No. Stop that.
- We were. It's not a big deal.
151
00:08:53,679 --> 00:08:56,200
- He's our friend.
- This is world's colliding.
152
00:08:56,279 --> 00:08:59,000
We're one galaxy though, Peter.
It's the same galaxy.
153
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,080
It doesn't matter now.
154
00:09:00,159 --> 00:09:02,679
Why don't we see if
there's seats figured out.
155
00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:05,159
Good to see you. Come on.
156
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,360
- Hey good luck !
- Good to meet you guys.
157
00:09:12,879 --> 00:09:15,240
Tony Hinchcliffe
looks like a school boy,
158
00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:18,360
and Pete Holmes looks homeschooled.
159
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:22,159
Make it loud for Pete Holmes
and Tony Hinchcliffe.
160
00:09:27,799 --> 00:09:29,960
- Are you ready to do this, gentlemen ?
- Yes.
161
00:09:30,039 --> 00:09:32,000
Yeah. I met Pete hefore the show.
162
00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:34,200
His hand's so clammy
that he doesn't masturbate,
163
00:09:34,279 --> 00:09:36,720
he just waterboards his own dick.
164
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:41,360
- Are we starting ?
- Yes.
165
00:09:41,759 --> 00:09:44,919
I thought you had to say
let's roast everybody.
166
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:46,960
Well, you could be funny
any time you want, Pete.
167
00:09:47,039 --> 00:09:49,440
There's a microphone in front of you.
168
00:09:49,519 --> 00:09:51,720
I'd like to play by the rules.
169
00:09:51,799 --> 00:09:54,679
Okay, good. Good intro.
Who wants to go first ?
170
00:09:54,759 --> 00:09:57,279
Let Pete go first. He has to get
back to being the Muppet
171
00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:00,399
that's gonna gentrify Sesame Street.
172
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:08,559
I don't mind going first.
173
00:10:08,639 --> 00:10:12,519
Unlike all the women here,
I don't mind if Tony follows me.
174
00:10:15,279 --> 00:10:18,360
Soft jab. Pete, Tony, let's roast !
175
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:25,679
Hey, Tony.
Why the extreme long face ?
176
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:30,879
Is that it ?
177
00:10:31,519 --> 00:10:34,039
Yeah. You look forlorn.
178
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:38,200
Pete is somehow both creepy
and non-threatening.
179
00:10:38,279 --> 00:10:42,000
He's like the blonde mustache
on a paraplegic man.
180
00:10:44,879 --> 00:10:47,919
Tony Hinchcliffe,
you look like Tony Robbins,
181
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,360
and simultaneously someone
who desperately needs
182
00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:53,000
the help of Tony Robbins.
183
00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:58,399
Pete looks like if someone
put all of Donald Trump's sons
184
00:10:58,480 --> 00:11:01,120
in a microwave at the same time.
185
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:03,200
Yeah !
186
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,879
Tony, uh, Tony looks
like he's hiding the fact
187
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:08,919
that he got bit
by a zombie four hours ago.
188
00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:15,679
Pete's career is a lot like
his ex-wife's pussy.
189
00:11:15,759 --> 00:11:19,960
They're both gonna be opening
for losers for the rest of their lives.
190
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:22,919
Too soon.
191
00:11:24,559 --> 00:11:26,279
What ? It's funny.
192
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:28,159
Pete, last joke.
193
00:11:28,759 --> 00:11:30,919
Tony, you're so thin and white,
194
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:34,720
I'm only standing here to make sure
Artie doesn't snort you.
195
00:11:43,919 --> 00:11:46,600
That was incredible. Judges,
what do we think about this one ?
196
00:11:46,679 --> 00:11:49,879
Dude, what the fuck was that ?
You were so nice off stage.
197
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:51,440
Yeah. When'd you grow some balls ?
198
00:11:51,519 --> 00:11:53,840
Seriously. I mean, look at him.
He looks like a priest.
199
00:11:53,919 --> 00:11:57,879
That makes sense actually
because he just fucked this little boy.
200
00:12:00,039 --> 00:12:02,519
- Pete, this is your first battle ever ?
- Yeah.
201
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:05,159
I mean, it was a close one,
but the Tony Robbins joke,
202
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:08,519
the cocaine thing at the end,
the zombie joke.
203
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:11,159
You killed it, buddy.
Congratulations. You're moving on.
204
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:16,440
His first battle ! His first win !
Pete Holmes !
205
00:12:17,639 --> 00:12:21,000
Pete, moving onto round two
to face Ali Reissen.
206
00:12:25,919 --> 00:12:28,840
I can't believe you beat Tony.
Holy shit.
207
00:12:29,159 --> 00:12:32,000
I don't... It didn't feel good.
I felt like...
208
00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:33,360
- Hey.
- Hi !
209
00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:35,399
- You did so great.
- Oh, thank you.
210
00:12:35,879 --> 00:12:38,840
Oh, my God. That was amazing.
What was that ?
211
00:12:38,919 --> 00:12:41,360
I don't know. Do you have
Toni's email ? I don't want to...
212
00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:43,159
Are you kidding me right now ?
You want to email him ?
213
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:46,399
You won fair and square.
Let him lick his wounds.
214
00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:49,279
Besides, you get to go against moi.
215
00:12:49,799 --> 00:12:52,120
- You two are roasting each other ?
- Yeah.
216
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:53,679
- Oh, my God.
- I have nothing.
217
00:12:53,759 --> 00:12:56,320
You're fine. What do you mean
you have nothing ? It's gonna be so fun.
218
00:12:56,399 --> 00:12:57,759
I didn't think I'd get this far.
219
00:12:57,840 --> 00:13:01,039
And now, I think the judges
are gonna destroy me.
220
00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:02,600
If any of the judges fuck with you,
221
00:13:02,679 --> 00:13:05,639
you just tell Jeff Ross he looks
like somebody skinned a penis.
222
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:06,759
That's funny.
223
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:08,480
- Can I have that ?
- Of course !
224
00:13:08,559 --> 00:13:10,639
- I can have that.
- Absolutely.
225
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:13,159
Keep it loose.
This is fun, okay ?
226
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:15,039
All right.
I have to look over these jokes.
227
00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:16,919
What do you... is that for me ?
228
00:13:17,559 --> 00:13:20,519
Maybe. You still kiss your mom
on the lips, right ?
229
00:13:21,559 --> 00:13:24,120
That's kind of what I'm working with.
230
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:27,039
- It's gonna be good. See you later.
- Bye.
231
00:13:29,759 --> 00:13:32,879
She seems pretty pumped.
I hope you actually have jokes.
232
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,320
I got nothing.
I don't know if I can do this.
233
00:13:35,399 --> 00:13:38,720
- Why ?
- Why ? Because she's my girlfriend.
234
00:13:38,799 --> 00:13:40,519
I don' wanna roast my girlfriend.
235
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:43,519
If you say something mean to her,
you're treating her like an equal.
236
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:46,039
That's what you're supposed to do.
She's a peer.
237
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:47,960
I'm protective of my peer.
238
00:13:48,039 --> 00:13:51,000
I want her to be good and safe
and whole and complete,
239
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:54,559
not called some ugly bitch.
240
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,080
I got nothing.
241
00:13:56,159 --> 00:13:57,559
If you really love her,
242
00:13:57,639 --> 00:14:01,120
then you gotta get up there
and you shit all over her.
243
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:03,320
Oh, boy.
244
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:07,919
Yes ! I love this show.
245
00:14:09,679 --> 00:14:13,639
I love hatred.
I love this show.
246
00:14:14,279 --> 00:14:16,600
I just wanna say, you know, have fun.
247
00:14:16,679 --> 00:14:19,879
And my middle name is Benedict.
248
00:14:20,799 --> 00:14:23,200
I don't know if you knew,
but that might be something.
249
00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:25,720
I don't need help. I have plenty.
250
00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:32,759
I'm excited for this next battle,
because these two comics are dating.
251
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:35,840
- I didn't know that. Did you ?
- I didn't.
252
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:39,360
Who's ready to see
a live domestic dispute ?
253
00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:42,200
Who wants to see a blood bath !
254
00:14:43,039 --> 00:14:46,159
Let's bring 'em out ! Pete Holmes !
Ali Reissen !
255
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,720
Roast ! Roast ! Roast ! Roast !
256
00:14:54,919 --> 00:14:56,519
Let's roast !
257
00:14:59,679 --> 00:15:02,360
- Guys, it's so good to be here.
- Ooh, boy.
258
00:15:02,679 --> 00:15:07,440
Well, obviously, you can see that Pete
looks like a sweet Golden Retriever.
259
00:15:07,519 --> 00:15:10,000
He's also like that in the bedroom.
260
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:13,039
It's true, he is. When he goes down
on me, he slobbers so much
261
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:16,879
that the only way I can cum is
if I'm like, babe, go fetch my vibrator.
262
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:21,039
Brutal. Brutal.
At least you're getting laid, babe.
263
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:24,799
Oh, Jeff. You looked like
somebody skinned a penis.
264
00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:29,600
Oh, also Pete sits down to pee.
It's fine. Yeah.
265
00:15:29,679 --> 00:15:31,399
No, you do.
It's not even a joke.
266
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:35,440
I think he sits down 'cause it's easier
to put the tampons in that way.
267
00:15:37,519 --> 00:15:40,240
I'm sorry. I feel like we need a
safe word or something, if this...
268
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:41,799
No, no, no. You're right.
You're right.
269
00:15:41,879 --> 00:15:44,919
The safe word should be
stop being a fucking pussy.
270
00:15:47,879 --> 00:15:50,879
Come on, one joke at a time.
The rules. Pete goes.
271
00:15:52,919 --> 00:15:55,919
Um, I'm not the first comedian
that Ali has been with.
272
00:15:56,000 --> 00:16:00,639
In fact, her list of former lovers
reads like an open mic sigup sheet.
273
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:06,200
Which makes sense 'cause
the only thing you need to get on her
274
00:16:06,279 --> 00:16:08,519
is to buy her two drinks.
275
00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:10,919
Two drink minimum !
276
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:12,799
Two drink minimum !
277
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:16,360
Pete is a Christian comic, obviously.
278
00:16:17,039 --> 00:16:19,879
And he really abides by
the commandment when he's on stage,
279
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,960
thou shalt not kill.
280
00:16:23,879 --> 00:16:28,200
Newsflash, Pete, Jesus isn't coming
back, and neither is your wife.
281
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:34,240
That's right. They both got nailed
and are in a better place.
282
00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:47,639
Pete go ! Pete, go, Pete ! Come on !
283
00:17:00,039 --> 00:17:01,600
Ali, it's hard to make fun of you
284
00:17:01,679 --> 00:17:04,039
because you already have
body dysmorphia,
285
00:17:04,119 --> 00:17:07,440
which means, Artie,
that she thinks she's fat.
286
00:17:07,519 --> 00:17:11,599
I always have to reassure her.
Baby, you're not fat, you're stupid.
287
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:17,000
Pete has a lot of moles on his face.
A lot of moles.
288
00:17:17,079 --> 00:17:21,119
But they're not cancerous, they're
completely benign, just like his act.
289
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,960
She thinks she has cellulite.
290
00:17:26,039 --> 00:17:30,400
I always reassure here that's
not celulite, that's acne scarring.
291
00:17:31,839 --> 00:17:34,960
Well, I mean, it's true. I thought
about having plastic surgery,
292
00:17:35,039 --> 00:17:37,640
but I don't really think
there's a need for, like, Botox,
293
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:41,200
because the poison
that I put in my body is Pete.
294
00:17:42,559 --> 00:17:45,960
Ali, I'm so happy to see you finally
acting like your vagina on stage,
295
00:17:46,039 --> 00:17:48,400
so comfortable and loose.
296
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:51,680
Pete, your ex-wife called.
297
00:17:51,759 --> 00:17:54,039
She said she's really sorry
about cheating on you.
298
00:17:54,119 --> 00:17:55,960
At least I think that's what she said.
I couldn't hear her
299
00:17:56,039 --> 00:17:58,519
because she had
so much cock in her mouth.
300
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:03,400
Last joke of the battle.
301
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,359
Ali, you did great tonight.
You did really, really great.
302
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:08,359
Really, really funny. Not really.
303
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:12,759
I haven't seen someone choke this hard
since I sucked on your nipple hair.
304
00:18:15,279 --> 00:18:17,920
Ali's right nipple is so hairy...
305
00:18:20,119 --> 00:18:23,559
She named the left one
end the Hendersons.
306
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,440
Wow, you two ! Really.
307
00:18:36,359 --> 00:18:38,039
What do we think about that one ?
Beth ?
308
00:18:38,119 --> 00:18:39,839
Wow, Pete. You were like Jesus.
309
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:43,200
You died
and then three jokes later rose again.
310
00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:45,480
Artie Lange, who do you like ?
311
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,680
I don't know. I like Pete,
312
00:18:48,759 --> 00:18:52,240
but I don't want him back on my fucking
couch to tell you the truth.
313
00:18:52,319 --> 00:18:54,960
So it's a dilemma.
I gotta give it to Ali.
314
00:18:56,079 --> 00:18:58,240
Tied up, Jeff. Who do you wanna see
win this thing ?
315
00:18:58,319 --> 00:19:00,599
Well, first of all, this was
the best battle of the night for me,
316
00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:03,480
so give it up for these two.
You killed it.
317
00:19:04,759 --> 00:19:06,480
Vicious.
318
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:10,200
Ali, you had some killers.
It got super personal,
319
00:19:10,279 --> 00:19:12,799
but Pete, you really went
for the jugular today,
320
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:15,680
and I'm proud of you, buddy.
You got my vote.
321
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,519
Pete Holmes is the winner !
322
00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:29,319
Pete's gonna face Mike Lawrence
in the finals.
323
00:19:30,519 --> 00:19:31,680
Yeah !
324
00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:36,440
Hey, whoa, congrats, Pete.
325
00:19:36,519 --> 00:19:38,319
- Yeah. That was so awesome...
- Thanks.
326
00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:41,759
Excuse... I'm sorry.
I have to find Ali. Excuse me.
327
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:53,240
Hi, you were incredible.
328
00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:56,480
That was incredible ! Oh, my God.
329
00:19:56,559 --> 00:19:59,359
The back and forth. Whoo !
It was like rough sex.
330
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:02,079
- I... yeah.
- In a good way.
331
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:05,119
You are sexy when you're mean.
332
00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:08,720
- Ali...
- What ?
333
00:20:09,279 --> 00:20:12,799
You just used a lot of stuff
that I told you,
334
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:16,039
private stuff, in confidence,
against me. You just...
335
00:20:16,119 --> 00:20:17,759
- Pete.
- You totally sold me out. You didn't...
336
00:20:17,839 --> 00:20:20,119
You did the same thing to me.
It's a roast battle.
337
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:22,680
I did it you because you did it to me.
I was just...
338
00:20:22,759 --> 00:20:26,640
What is this ? I know you are but what
am I ? What are you talking about ?
339
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:31,319
I didn't... it didn't feel the same.
I was retaliating.
340
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:37,039
I followed your lead, you know ?
I didn't even write most of that.
341
00:20:37,119 --> 00:20:41,000
I'm just scrambling to think
of mean shit to say to keep up.
342
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,839
That's even worse. Then you were
just speaking from the heart.
343
00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:50,480
I just... I didn't want to throw you
under the bus.
344
00:20:50,559 --> 00:20:52,680
I don't care. I'm fine.
345
00:20:52,759 --> 00:20:54,359
I didn't want you to throw me
under the bus.
346
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:58,240
I thought we had different rules
than Damien Lemon. I thought...
347
00:20:58,319 --> 00:21:00,599
What kind of comedian
can't take a joke ?
348
00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:02,839
Are you even a comedian ?
349
00:21:04,079 --> 00:21:07,480
Fuck you. That's what you say
to me right now ?
350
00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:10,960
- I'm not Tony Hinchcliffe.
- No !
351
00:21:11,039 --> 00:21:15,680
- We have an alliance, and you just...
- No when we're on stage performing.
352
00:21:15,759 --> 00:21:17,279
What do you want me to do,
go up there and be like,
353
00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:19,039
oh, Pete's a great guy.
354
00:21:19,119 --> 00:21:21,559
No laughs.
Like, that doesn't make sense.
355
00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:24,240
I don't think you had to say that
my wife had cock in her mouth or...
356
00:21:24,319 --> 00:21:27,000
She did ! It's funny !
357
00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:33,319
I don't know how I walk away from that
and just forget that you said it.
358
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:36,160
I'm just gonna delete
the memory of that ?
359
00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:40,559
You wanna go to to dinner tomorrow
and act like you didn't say that shit ?
360
00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:42,480
- Yes !
- That you want my moles...
361
00:21:42,559 --> 00:21:46,319
What do you think, I'm sitting
here obsessing about my cellulite ?
362
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:49,240
- I mean, get over yourself.
- Great.
363
00:21:49,319 --> 00:21:55,799
You're just as selfish and fucked up
and mean as everybody around you.
364
00:21:56,359 --> 00:21:59,000
They just have the balls to say
that they have those qualities,
365
00:21:59,079 --> 00:22:02,599
while you act like you're better
than everybody.
366
00:22:03,599 --> 00:22:06,960
You're afraid of God,
so you hide your feelings.
367
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:18,599
I don't wanna date.
368
00:22:23,079 --> 00:22:24,920
I'm sorry.
369
00:22:28,559 --> 00:22:31,240
- I just...
- This is good. No, this good.
370
00:22:32,319 --> 00:22:33,920
How is that good ? I...
371
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:37,559
'Cause I don't want to be with someone
who doesn't fucking know who they are.
372
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:41,720
Pete, they're ready for you.
373
00:22:46,559 --> 00:22:50,119
I'm with... I'm against Mike Lawrence.
I have to...
374
00:22:50,559 --> 00:22:53,079
Oh, yeah. Go be nice.
375
00:23:00,319 --> 00:23:03,480
Pete is the first person
to have a stepdad body.
376
00:23:03,559 --> 00:23:05,680
Pete, you Pillsbury dough adult.
377
00:23:05,759 --> 00:23:07,839
The only difference between you
and white bread
378
00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:10,680
is that white bread has less carbs.
379
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:14,920
He looks like he was kicked out
of the Mormon church
380
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,440
for not being cool enough.
381
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:25,480
The only adventure Pete's ever been on
was trying Chipotle.
382
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:35,240
Your comedy is like inversion therapy.
It's not working for you.
383
00:24:44,319 --> 00:24:47,039
Okay, Pete. I just wanted to do
a quick assessment of the vehicle
384
00:24:47,119 --> 00:24:48,279
before I give you the keys.
385
00:24:48,359 --> 00:24:50,519
I would highly recommend
getting second party insurance
386
00:24:50,599 --> 00:24:53,599
in the event that you have an incident
with another vehicle.
387
00:24:56,519 --> 00:24:59,839
- So...
- Yeah. Whatever you recommend.
388
00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:22,160
Excuse me.
389
00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:25,440
Excuse me. Hi.
I'm a little turned around.
390
00:25:25,519 --> 00:25:29,599
I'm looking for Bundt...
Bundt Cafeteria.
391
00:25:30,319 --> 00:25:33,119
- It's the hill to the left.
- Thanks.
392
00:25:35,119 --> 00:25:37,079
I'm competing with steamed vegetables,
393
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:40,279
serving up hot and fresh jokes,
and also broccoli.
394
00:25:40,359 --> 00:25:42,240
There's also broccoli in there today.
395
00:25:42,319 --> 00:25:43,920
It's kind of weird,
I don't have any kids,
396
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:46,559
but doesn't it kind of feel like I do ?
397
00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:50,400
Like, don't I kind of feel
already like a dorky dad,
398
00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:52,519
just like a fun dad at a barbecue.
399
00:25:52,599 --> 00:25:55,400
Just like, ho, ho, ho, Fresca.
400
00:25:56,599 --> 00:25:59,240
Handing frescas to children.
I'm kind of intimated.
401
00:25:59,319 --> 00:26:02,559
You guys are younger than me,
but some of you have beards.
402
00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:05,960
I can't grow a beard.
I haven't shaved in weeks.
403
00:26:06,039 --> 00:26:09,759
That's real.
This is what happens. Nothing.
404
00:26:09,839 --> 00:26:12,079
Which isn't really a problem unless,
405
00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:14,960
sometimes I think what happens
if I'm stranded on a desert island
406
00:26:15,039 --> 00:26:17,359
and I have to live there
for like six years.
407
00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:19,440
It's been an hour.
You can stop whenever.
408
00:26:19,519 --> 00:26:21,240
Okay, thank you.
409
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:25,720
Oh, I'll do a little bit more
if that's okay.
410
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:31,880
You know, If I'm on a deserted
island for six years,
411
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:35,119
the rescue chopper's gonna come,
I'm gonna come out baby face,
412
00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:38,920
loin cloth, and look like a guy
who's been there 15 minutes.
413
00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:43,960
Just could't wait to wear a loin cloth.
414
00:26:48,839 --> 00:26:50,519
Rescue me !
415
00:26:53,359 --> 00:26:55,920
End of episode 8
35004
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