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1
00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:10,199
If there's any fries left,
you can have them. I'm done.
2
00:00:10,279 --> 00:00:12,359
I'm supposed to have
like three carbs a day.
3
00:00:12,439 --> 00:00:14,279
- Really ? How's that working out ?
- It's not working out.
4
00:00:14,359 --> 00:00:16,440
Almost like the fourth squeezes
in there sometimes.
5
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:20,559
It bugs me that you're skinnier than me.
You were always my fat...
6
00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:25,239
- Hey ! How's it going ?
- You just sat right down, didn't you ?
7
00:00:26,839 --> 00:00:28,879
Is somebody sitting here ?
8
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:31,480
No. Dude, this is the comic's table,
all right ?
9
00:00:31,559 --> 00:00:33,479
Yeah. But I sit with you all the time
at the other club.
10
00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:36,240
But this is The Cellar. The Cellar.
It's different.
11
00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:37,600
This is like "The Tonight Show,"
12
00:00:37,679 --> 00:00:39,759
and it's like being called
to walk over to the couch.
13
00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,960
- These kids don't fucking know.
- They don't know. They don't get it.
14
00:00:43,039 --> 00:00:45,840
Back in my day, this table,
Patrice, Giraldo, Burr.
15
00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:47,320
- Real ball busters.
- Right. Right.
16
00:00:47,399 --> 00:00:48,840
I was scared shitless
to sit at this table.
17
00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:52,640
This guy just sits down
like a friggin' Sesame Street character.
18
00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:56,000
That shirt stinks. Can we just talk
about this shirt for a second.
19
00:00:56,079 --> 00:00:59,479
Did the guy who molested you leave it
on your nightstand last night ?
20
00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:01,520
I didn't know. I'm sorry.
21
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:03,280
That's the problem.
See, this is it right here.
22
00:01:03,359 --> 00:01:05,359
These guys can't it.
They give it, they can't take it.
23
00:01:05,719 --> 00:01:07,480
All of the sudden, he's being serious.
24
00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:10,000
- Gentlemen...
- Hey, what's up ?
25
00:01:10,079 --> 00:01:13,760
Hey, Pete, get the fuck up.
He's on the lineup. Beat it.
26
00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:16,560
You know, I will get up out of respect.
27
00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:19,280
Larry Sanders. Stepbrothers.
28
00:01:19,359 --> 00:01:21,159
Absolutely correct.
29
00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:26,239
- Look at that. He knows my credits.
- There had to be one.
30
00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:31,120
Could I get a sink water, please ?
31
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:34,400
- He walks in and...
- He's dumb as mud.
32
00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:36,000
I'm actually starting my own table.
33
00:01:36,079 --> 00:01:38,799
You have to have no credits
or respect to sit here.
34
00:01:39,519 --> 00:01:42,359
How's that shirt, Bob Vila ? You look
like you're gonna build a table.
35
00:01:42,439 --> 00:01:44,120
- What's your name again ?
- My name...
36
00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:48,760
Nobody cares. Shut up.
Oh, God, where did you get this kid ?
37
00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:52,359
I have a book out.
It's a Hollywood memoir.
38
00:01:52,439 --> 00:01:55,200
It's called "I'll Take That as a No,"
39
00:01:55,879 --> 00:01:59,799
and it's being released directly to PDF.
40
00:02:02,319 --> 00:02:04,719
CRASHING
41
00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:07,599
Season 2, episode 6
42
00:02:09,919 --> 00:02:13,360
Hey, wings ?
43
00:02:14,879 --> 00:02:16,280
What ?
44
00:02:16,599 --> 00:02:19,080
- Would you like some wings ?
- I...
45
00:02:19,159 --> 00:02:20,280
This is way too much for me.
46
00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:23,479
This is like for a family of four
from the Midwest.
47
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,919
- I would love some wings, yes.
- Come on over.
48
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,439
Yeah. Come on over.
The bullies are gone.
49
00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:30,759
- You are totally safe.
- I'm honored.
50
00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:34,240
- It's Pete, right ?
- Yes, Pete.
51
00:02:34,319 --> 00:02:36,240
- Wayne. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
52
00:02:36,319 --> 00:02:38,280
- Just grab something there.
- Thank you, I will.
53
00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:41,319
- Oh, the drumstick. That's bold.
- Should I not ?
54
00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:44,400
No. You should totally take
the best thing on there.
55
00:02:44,479 --> 00:02:47,199
- I'm kidding. Eat !
- Thank you very much.
56
00:02:52,759 --> 00:02:57,280
- I really am a huge fan of yours.
- Well, thanks.
57
00:02:57,360 --> 00:03:00,039
You're in one of my favorite scenes
in "Curb".
58
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,360
"Legally Blonde."
59
00:03:02,439 --> 00:03:05,639
You know, I made a career out of being
in one scene in a movie
60
00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:08,199
and then never seeing me again.
61
00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:09,719
I guess you're right. Right ?
62
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,960
Yeah. One scene and out.
I call it the Federman in and out.
63
00:03:12,039 --> 00:03:14,319
I think you could be in lots of scenes.
64
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,039
In fact, I get connected
to your character,
65
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,439
I see your character and I go,
what's that guy's story ?
66
00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:22,439
I appreciate that.
So, are you going up tonight ?
67
00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:25,479
Well, not here, obviously, but I get up.
68
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:28,439
- I do the alt scene a little bit.
- Right.
69
00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:30,840
I'm trying to get into
the college market.
70
00:03:30,919 --> 00:03:33,280
I just submitted a tape to NACA.
I don't know...
71
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,319
- They still have NACA ?
- They still have NACA.
72
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:38,479
NACA changed my life.
Changed my life.
73
00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:41,879
I booked like 80 colleges,
paid off my student loan,
74
00:03:42,319 --> 00:03:47,360
but more important to me was I wrote
on my tax forms "comedian."
75
00:03:49,199 --> 00:03:50,319
- Is that crazy ?
- No.
76
00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:52,840
- It was so important to me.
- That's everything. That's all I want.
77
00:03:52,919 --> 00:03:56,280
I haven't had a real job since.
That's what NACA did for me.
78
00:03:56,960 --> 00:04:00,960
And how about this as a bonus ?
Take the rest of these. I'm gonna go.
79
00:04:01,039 --> 00:04:03,759
- But so nice meeting you.
- Nice to meet you.
80
00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:05,960
- Ah, maybe the... a little...
- Right. Yeah.
81
00:04:06,039 --> 00:04:08,159
I'm sure I'll see you though.
I mean,
82
00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:10,680
I pop in here a couple times
a week so, I'll see you again ?
83
00:04:10,759 --> 00:04:14,080
Yeah. I'm actually...
Well, I'm taking a break.
84
00:04:15,159 --> 00:04:17,439
I have Hodgkins. So...
85
00:04:17,519 --> 00:04:18,959
What ? Oh, my God.
86
00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:21,000
Don't worry. Don't panic.
It's totally treatable.
87
00:04:21,079 --> 00:04:23,680
It's just I can't afford the treatments.
I can't afford the bills.
88
00:04:23,759 --> 00:04:25,720
It's like a wholething.
89
00:04:26,319 --> 00:04:28,920
Yeah. So I'm just gonna move back in
with my parents.
90
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:30,600
I'm gonna try squirrel away
some money.
91
00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:33,040
I'm so sorry.
I hope it works out for you.
92
00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:36,680
It'll work out. Nice meeting you, Pete.
Enjoy those wings.
93
00:04:36,759 --> 00:04:39,720
Thank you. Be well.
94
00:04:43,759 --> 00:04:46,000
Hey ! We got it, buddy.
All right.
95
00:04:46,319 --> 00:04:49,319
Do me a favor,
tag me on that so people know I'm alive.
96
00:04:51,199 --> 00:04:54,720
Artie, geez, man,
did you know about Wayne ?
97
00:04:55,199 --> 00:04:57,360
What ? He try to touch your leg ?
98
00:04:57,439 --> 00:05:01,680
No ! He's sick.
And he's like he can't afford...
99
00:05:01,759 --> 00:05:03,079
His insurance is fucking him,
100
00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:06,079
and he doesn't have money
to pay for his medical care.
101
00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:08,720
I feel back too, man, but what,
he's got no money ?
102
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:11,079
None of us have any money.
Look at us. What are we doing here ?
103
00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:12,920
- It breaks my heart.
- Yeah.
104
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,519
A guy that's been working for so long,
105
00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,800
he can't even afford
to pay for his treatment ?
106
00:05:17,879 --> 00:05:19,720
I mean, we gotta help him.
107
00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:22,519
You got any bone marrow lying around,
because that's what he needs.
108
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,480
What do you think's
gonna happen here ? Come on.
109
00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:26,040
It doesn't have to be complicated.
110
00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:28,600
We could just do a show
and give him the money.
111
00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:30,319
- We could do like a benefit.
- Oh, a benefit ?
112
00:05:30,399 --> 00:05:32,560
- We could do a benefit.
- Let me explain something to you.
113
00:05:32,639 --> 00:05:34,600
Every time a comedian does a show,
114
00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:37,680
it's a benefit for themselves.
That's how it is.
115
00:05:37,759 --> 00:05:39,920
Yeah. But it wouldn't even be that hard.
116
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:41,720
We just need to get a group
of comics together.
117
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:45,000
If you headline, all the other comics
will fall into line.
118
00:05:45,439 --> 00:05:47,680
Put up a great lineup.
Raise some money.
119
00:05:47,759 --> 00:05:50,240
- Sounds easy.
- It is easy. I could even host.
120
00:05:50,319 --> 00:05:52,519
- Oh, wait, wait. You'll host ?
- I could host.
121
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:55,399
Yeah. Now I get your angle.
You'll host. I am rubbing off on you.
122
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:58,519
I get what's going on here.
You wanna use his sickness
123
00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:00,480
to get stage time.
Is that what's going on ?
124
00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:04,160
Artie, I'm not doing this for me.
I'm just saying could put it together.
125
00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:07,439
Make it really, really easy.
All you have to do is show up.
126
00:06:07,519 --> 00:06:10,000
I'll do anything to make this stop,
explain something to you.
127
00:06:10,079 --> 00:06:12,279
- I'll headline.
- You'll headline ? You'll do it ?
128
00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:13,680
Honestly, you know what ?
I'm being honest with you.
129
00:06:13,759 --> 00:06:15,680
I will headline,
but you gotta do the work, okay ?
130
00:06:15,759 --> 00:06:18,120
- Of course.
- I feel bad. He's a good guy.
131
00:06:18,759 --> 00:06:21,240
Hey, you're a good man, Arthur.
132
00:06:21,319 --> 00:06:24,040
I don't know about that, but I know
I'm gonna need a benefit one day,
133
00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:25,399
so I'm putting out some karma.
134
00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:27,399
And do me a favor.
Promise me one thing.
135
00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:30,279
When my benefit comes around,
you're not hosting.
136
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:34,600
Personally I like sweet cream as a base
137
00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:36,879
because it doesn't
like overwhelm the mix-ins.
138
00:06:36,959 --> 00:06:39,319
For me it's all about tasting
the mix-ins.
139
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,560
Oreo overload is popular.
140
00:06:43,399 --> 00:06:45,560
I'm gonna take my break, but Camila...
141
00:06:45,639 --> 00:06:49,439
Camila, can you assist me, please ?
Thank you, ladies.
142
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,240
- What ?
- You have stubble.
143
00:06:56,319 --> 00:06:57,639
- This ?
- Yeah.
144
00:06:57,720 --> 00:07:02,519
- This pinch of sand.
- Yeah, just a sprinkle of salt.
145
00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:05,560
Yeah. Don't get used to it.
I haven't shaved in like nine days.
146
00:07:05,639 --> 00:07:08,720
This is it. You're looking at it.
It's crazy.
147
00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:12,319
- That's crazy.
- I don't shave except these guys.
148
00:07:12,639 --> 00:07:16,040
These guys grow little hairs
so I clean them off in the shower.
149
00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:18,040
- I'm sorry. That's gross.
- That's not gross.
150
00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:19,480
- I'm a gross person.
- No. We all have hairs.
151
00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:22,199
I have this one hair
growing out of my nipple.
152
00:07:22,279 --> 00:07:24,759
It's like real long. I could shave it,
153
00:07:24,839 --> 00:07:28,120
but I'm not gonna shave it
because I wanna see how long it'll get.
154
00:07:28,199 --> 00:07:31,279
It's so weird. I have, like pride.
I love her. I call her Betty.
155
00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:33,639
Is it weird that I know Betty ?
156
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:36,720
That makes me sad.
I want her to be my little secret.
157
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:40,319
- No. No, it's lovely. You're lovely.
- I know.
158
00:07:40,399 --> 00:07:42,079
You should be proud.
159
00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:46,079
I don't know. I feel like
you'd look cute with a beard.
160
00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:47,600
Really ?
I think about it though.
161
00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:51,800
The worst part of not being able
to grow a beard, it's a man thing...
162
00:07:51,879 --> 00:07:56,319
Like, if I'm on a desert island,
that's like when men grow beards.
163
00:07:56,399 --> 00:07:57,519
- Like Tom Hanks ?
- Yeah.
164
00:07:57,600 --> 00:07:59,959
If I was on a desert island,
a rescue chopper would fly by,
165
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:02,959
they'd look down
and they'd think I was fine.
166
00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:04,839
Oh, let's save that... no.
167
00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:07,839
Roll the ladder back up.
That guy's just looking to get away.
168
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:08,959
He wants to be here.
169
00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:11,800
Yeah. He's clearly shaving.
He's found resources.
170
00:08:11,879 --> 00:08:13,839
That's so funny.
You should write that down.
171
00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:17,680
- Really, you think that's stage funny ?
- Yeah, it's a bit.
172
00:08:18,519 --> 00:08:19,879
Oh, sorry.
173
00:08:22,279 --> 00:08:26,160
- Oh, shit, it's Greg. I got Rififi.
- That's great.
174
00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:28,000
- I got Rififi !
- Oh, yay !
175
00:08:28,079 --> 00:08:30,600
They want me to do five minutes
on Rififi, that's amazing !
176
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:33,120
I might have put in a little word.
177
00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:35,759
- What ? You did ?
- Yeah.
178
00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:37,200
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
179
00:08:37,279 --> 00:08:40,159
I told them you're great,
'cause you're great.
180
00:08:42,159 --> 00:08:44,399
I got a sugar mama !
Thank you !
181
00:08:45,399 --> 00:08:49,039
What do you think the employee
discount is at the Dollar Store ?
182
00:08:50,519 --> 00:08:53,000
Do you think it's "Just take it" ?
183
00:08:53,679 --> 00:08:56,679
Just take it. Thanks for working here.
184
00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:01,440
I'm not a very manly guy.
I can't grow a beard,
185
00:09:01,519 --> 00:09:03,559
which is fine, but, you know,
I was thinking about it.
186
00:09:03,639 --> 00:09:07,840
What if I'm in like a plane crash
and I have to live on a deserted island.
187
00:09:07,919 --> 00:09:11,080
If I can't grow a beard,
the rescue chopper is gonna come by,
188
00:09:11,159 --> 00:09:14,159
they're gonna see me,
they'll think I'm fine.
189
00:09:15,039 --> 00:09:16,919
Oh I guess he just wanted to get away,
190
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:19,600
because he's clearly found
a way to shave.
191
00:09:19,679 --> 00:09:25,399
So he's got resources.
So roll the ladder back up, he's okay.
192
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:50,120
- You Nick ?
- Excuse me ?
193
00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:55,440
- Who are you ?
- I'm looking for Artie, Artie Lange ?
194
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:59,480
- Oh, Artie's not here.
- Sorry, is he coming back or... ?
195
00:09:59,559 --> 00:10:02,159
Yeah, like in five or ten minutes,
all right ?
196
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:05,399
Is... Can he...
So he just left you... ?
197
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:08,879
- Yeah. Wait in the hallway.
- You want me to wait in the...
198
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,200
You know what ? You're right.
199
00:10:11,279 --> 00:10:14,000
Wait in here.
I don't like this hallway for you.
200
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,159
- Come on.
- I could...
201
00:10:16,559 --> 00:10:18,360
- You can wait in here.
- Okay.
202
00:10:21,159 --> 00:10:23,200
Is this the guy ?
203
00:10:23,639 --> 00:10:28,799
No. He's a friend of Artie's.
He's gonna wait for him here.
204
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:32,320
How you doing ?
I'm Raymond, this is Gene.
205
00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:34,799
We're friends of Artie's
from the neighbourhood.
206
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:37,120
How do you know him ?
207
00:10:38,639 --> 00:10:40,639
I'm a comedian too.
208
00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:44,159
Oh, yeah.
You talk in a microphone, right ?
209
00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:47,159
You know, that reminds me
how I know Artie.
210
00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:48,919
We got a mutual friend
that got hit by a train
211
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:50,519
but he only got his foot cut off.
212
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:53,559
But it wasn't so bad, right ?
Anyway, that's how we met.
213
00:10:53,639 --> 00:10:56,279
It was fucking funny.
It was fucked up.
214
00:10:56,679 --> 00:11:01,120
Well, I don't... I'm gonna have
to run to my car, so I'll just... Okay ?
215
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:06,399
Definitely, man.
Watch your hand in the door.
216
00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:08,559
Okay. Thank you.
217
00:11:15,919 --> 00:11:19,120
- Hi. Is Artie Lange performing ?
- No.
218
00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:22,960
Thank you.
219
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,720
This is like the eighth time you
called me, Pete. What do you want ?
220
00:12:07,639 --> 00:12:10,039
- You're all right ?
- I'm fine.
221
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:13,120
Artie, you don't look fine.
222
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:16,039
Well, thanks, man,
'cause I don't own a mirror.
223
00:12:17,039 --> 00:12:18,480
- So, I mean...
- So what.
224
00:12:18,559 --> 00:12:21,159
Hey look, you called me,
I called you back, all right ?
225
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:22,759
So this is your idea.
What's going on ?
226
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:26,039
You... it took you a while
to call me back.
227
00:12:26,639 --> 00:12:29,360
- And then, who were those guys ?
- What guys ?
228
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:33,360
The guys that you... had two
sketchy guys in your apartment.
229
00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:37,240
- They're my sketch group.
- Artie, these guys came over.
230
00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:40,200
They... they had drugs.
They were doing drugs.
231
00:12:40,279 --> 00:12:44,080
Look. First of all Columbo, I don't know
anything about that. Nothing.
232
00:12:44,159 --> 00:12:45,960
If someone's doing drugs I...
I don't know anything about drugs.
233
00:12:46,039 --> 00:12:47,440
It was right here.
It was in your house.
234
00:12:47,519 --> 00:12:50,000
Artie, you can't be using.
You know this.
235
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:51,440
I thought you were in recovery.
236
00:12:51,519 --> 00:12:54,919
First of all, I'm not using.
Okay ? Let's get that straight.
237
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:59,360
Don't be yelling out that bullshit.
It costs me work. I'm not using.
238
00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:03,720
I'm in recovery actively.
I would never shoot up with them.
239
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:08,600
First of all, I saw them possibly doing
something weird and I got out of here.
240
00:13:08,679 --> 00:13:12,600
That's good, that's...
I'm proud of you.
241
00:13:12,679 --> 00:13:13,960
Oh, thanks for being proud of me.
242
00:13:14,039 --> 00:13:16,240
That's not easy to do.
That's amazing.
243
00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:17,840
I just want to help you, man.
244
00:13:17,919 --> 00:13:20,240
If you're on a good streak,
I just want to be here.
245
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:24,440
I gotta tell you something.
Usually I blow people off like this,
246
00:13:24,519 --> 00:13:27,120
but you're different
than my New York buddies.
247
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:30,759
You're way more sincere,
and I appreciate that. I do.
248
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:33,960
- I appreciate it. I do. Thank you.
- I appreciate you.
249
00:13:34,039 --> 00:13:35,679
- Thank you.
- Thank you for telling me that.
250
00:13:35,759 --> 00:13:39,320
I'd like to thank you for being here.
Nobody else is here, you know ?
251
00:13:39,399 --> 00:13:42,360
You're probably the best friend
I got right now, and I appreciate it.
252
00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:44,200
You know, you are.
253
00:13:44,279 --> 00:13:46,519
- Well, let me help you.
- You wanna help ?
254
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:47,919
I wanna be... let me help you.
255
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,840
All right. Well, let's do
something good, positive then.
256
00:13:50,919 --> 00:13:53,799
Yes. You gotta replace a bad habit
with a good habit.
257
00:13:53,879 --> 00:13:56,879
I saw a Ted Talk.
You just got to retrain your brain.
258
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:58,200
Well, I'm in. Let's do it.
259
00:13:58,279 --> 00:13:59,799
Well, I'll tell you what a good habit
is for me. I'm starving.
260
00:13:59,879 --> 00:14:01,639
- Let's go get something to eat.
- I would love to.
261
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:37,360
I'm sorry things aren't easy for you
right now, but, you know.
262
00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:41,159
Yeah, it's not easy.
It's life's weird now. It really is.
263
00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:43,200
Are you going to meetings or...
264
00:14:43,279 --> 00:14:44,960
I gotta tell you.
The whole thing about AA,
265
00:14:45,039 --> 00:14:47,399
it feels a little to religious for me,
you know ?
266
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:50,759
And God with me, quite frankly
has got some explaining to do.
267
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:52,559
- What do you mean ?
- What do I mean ?
268
00:14:52,639 --> 00:14:56,799
So, your father becomes a quadriplegic
by falling off a roof with no insurance.
269
00:14:56,879 --> 00:14:59,759
You gotta go on welfare,
and it ruins your whole family.
270
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:01,759
That doesn't make you feel like
there's somebody up there
271
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:03,440
that's looking out for you.
272
00:15:03,519 --> 00:15:06,039
And, you know, I'm a little cynical
about it, quite frankly.
273
00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:08,840
- What do you want me to tell you ?
- I'm so sorry.
274
00:15:11,279 --> 00:15:13,360
To be honest,
I've been haying a hard time
275
00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:16,279
with the whole
higher power thing myself.
276
00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:18,679
Really ? You ? Why ?
277
00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:23,840
I don't know. So much of my life
I was afraid of God.
278
00:15:24,679 --> 00:15:27,519
Now I'm looking back,
I didn't do stuff.
279
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:30,799
- Maybe I missed out. I don't know.
- What stuff ?
280
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:34,360
I was so worried about hell,
I didn't wanna...
281
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:35,600
Like I wouldn't jerk off
282
00:15:35,679 --> 00:15:39,440
just in case Jesus came back
while I was masturbating.
283
00:15:39,519 --> 00:15:42,720
Wow. That would be horrible luck.
Bad timing.
284
00:15:42,799 --> 00:15:44,480
It's confusing.
285
00:15:44,559 --> 00:15:47,960
Yeah. Well, life can be
a pretty fucked up thing, I'll tell you.
286
00:15:48,039 --> 00:15:52,639
It could be pretty confusing.
I feel for you, man. I do.
287
00:16:00,639 --> 00:16:03,679
Isn't this nice ? I mean, get the blood
going, getting fresh air.
288
00:16:03,759 --> 00:16:07,039
You know, they say exercise
gets the... releases the...
289
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:11,080
Endorphins. If you say "endorphins"
now, I'm gonna throw you off a bridge.
290
00:16:11,159 --> 00:16:13,679
I just gotta... I gotta sit down.
I'm having a good time.
291
00:16:13,759 --> 00:16:16,679
- I just gotta sit down. I'm tired.
- That doesn't look clean.
292
00:16:16,759 --> 00:16:18,600
I'll disinfect you when we leave.
293
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,919
This does feel nice though.
294
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:31,960
I'm not... I'm not kidding.
I really feel better.
295
00:16:32,039 --> 00:16:36,720
I feel like I should do this more often
and just breathe air.
296
00:16:36,799 --> 00:16:39,080
I feel young, you know ?
297
00:16:39,159 --> 00:16:41,360
- I'm glad.
- Thank you.
298
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:44,360
- I like seeing you like this.
- You do ? Yeah ?
299
00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:48,000
I didn't know when you were young.
When were you young ?
300
00:16:48,679 --> 00:16:52,039
The '30s.
Those were good times, see ?
301
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:55,559
You would've been a great gang boss.
302
00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:59,120
You know what ? That's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.
303
00:16:59,759 --> 00:17:01,519
Uh, honestly,
this is very, very cute,
304
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:03,399
but you're gonna start turning
into a date pretty soon,
305
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:05,240
so, I'm gonna get going.
306
00:17:05,319 --> 00:17:07,599
- I'll see you tonight, right ?
- Yeah.
307
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,759
Thanks, man. You know,
this really was something else.
308
00:17:10,839 --> 00:17:15,440
- I appreciate it. I love you, buddy.
- I love you, man. I'll see you.
309
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,920
- Okay. Take care of yourself, man.
- Bye, Arthur.
310
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:20,599
- I love that shirt.
- I get it.
311
00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:25,160
Thank you very much. Thanks
for coming to the Village Underground.
312
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:26,720
We've got a great show tonight,
313
00:17:26,799 --> 00:17:29,519
and Artie Lange
will be here later to headline.
314
00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:35,200
You guys, are you having fun ?
315
00:17:35,279 --> 00:17:40,640
Okay, good. Tonight your money is
actually going to a very good cause.
316
00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:45,880
I'm super excited,
so let's have a great show !
317
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:53,440
- There he is.
- Hey.
318
00:17:53,519 --> 00:17:55,680
- How's it going ? How're you feeling ?
- I'm feeling really good.
319
00:17:55,759 --> 00:17:57,920
- I went down there, it's sold out.
- I know.
320
00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:00,279
- This is fantastic. Thank you.
- They're very excited to see you.
321
00:18:00,359 --> 00:18:03,799
- When am I going on ?
- You are on fourth.
322
00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:06,440
And then Artie will come up after you
to close the show.
323
00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:09,599
Perfect. Thank you. Clean up.
Like the Babe.
324
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:12,240
That'll do, Pig. That'll do.
325
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:16,079
- I'm talking about the baseball guy.
- Yeah. No. I know.
326
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:17,519
- You sure ?
- Yeah, yeah.
327
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:20,839
Thanks, guys. Thank you.
328
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:24,680
My impression of a Beethoven concert.
Here we go.
329
00:18:25,759 --> 00:18:30,000
Please welcome,
direct from Bon, it's Beethoven.
330
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:33,720
- Is Artie here yet ?
- I haven't seen him.
331
00:18:33,799 --> 00:18:35,000
... it's great to be here.
332
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:41,599
Since this is the last night of the tour
I'm just gonna play the hits.
333
00:18:44,039 --> 00:18:45,519
Yeah, this is Artie.
Leave a message.
334
00:18:45,599 --> 00:18:47,640
I start my concerts the same way.
335
00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:50,079
Are you ready to classical ?
336
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:53,240
I can't hear you !
337
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,880
No, I can't hear you.
I'm completely deaf.
338
00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:00,079
It's a miracle I can play piano.
339
00:19:00,519 --> 00:19:02,720
All right. That's my time.
I'm gonna leave you with this one.
340
00:19:02,799 --> 00:19:04,160
Fucking Artie !
341
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:21,200
Oh, my God. I am so sorry !
342
00:19:21,599 --> 00:19:23,039
Sorry ! Sorry !
343
00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:25,599
Sorry !
344
00:19:41,839 --> 00:19:45,240
I was just with my father.
It's unbelievable. I had the best time.
345
00:19:45,319 --> 00:19:48,799
- Hi, sorry. I'm Pete. Hello.
- Hi.
346
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:50,839
You're Jessica ?
I'm looking for a comedian.
347
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,680
Our headliner around the corner
at the Underground is running late.
348
00:19:53,759 --> 00:19:56,880
I just need somebody to do
like five, ten minutes if you could.
349
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:59,200
I just ordered hummus.
I'm so sorry.
350
00:19:59,279 --> 00:20:02,680
I don't know if it makes a difference.
It's a benefit.
351
00:20:02,759 --> 00:20:04,799
- Wayne Federman, do you know him ?
- Yeah.
352
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:08,240
He has cancer and all the money
is going to his bills.
353
00:20:08,559 --> 00:20:11,279
It's a really good crowd,
like, phenom...
354
00:20:11,359 --> 00:20:13,720
- Okay. Okay. I'll do 10, okay.
- Yeah.
355
00:20:15,799 --> 00:20:18,160
So if Artie's not there,
by the time you're done,
356
00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:21,039
I'll just point to who's next and
you can bring them up if that's okay.
357
00:20:21,119 --> 00:20:22,799
So now you want me to host too ?
358
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:24,599
- No. Just like tag team.
- I don't tag team.
359
00:20:25,079 --> 00:20:27,559
I am legally married to another woman,
360
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:30,519
but it's fine because we're
both feminine looking.
361
00:20:30,599 --> 00:20:34,240
But she's really hot. You would
jerk off to her. She's really hot.
362
00:20:34,319 --> 00:20:37,319
I guess we look alike
because we both have long, curly hair.
363
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:38,880
People ask if we're sisters.
364
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:40,839
That's a big question.
"Are you guys sisters ?"
365
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:44,319
I'm like, "If sisters finger each other
in Home Depot."
366
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:45,880
I remember when
we were getting married,
367
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,440
I'm Jewish and she's not,
so I'm chosen,
368
00:20:48,519 --> 00:20:52,000
and my parents didn't care
that I was marrying a woman.
369
00:20:52,079 --> 00:20:53,440
That's the great part.
They could care less.
370
00:20:53,519 --> 00:20:55,319
You know what they cared about ?
That she wasn't Jewish.
371
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:56,400
Isn't that amazing ?
372
00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:59,039
Anyone who's a Jew in the crowd
is gonna understand that.
373
00:20:59,119 --> 00:21:02,160
So they started, "Can you just
not serve pork at the wedding ?
374
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:03,920
Do you mind just not serving pork ?"
375
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:06,519
I'm like,
"That's what you're upset I'm eating ?"
376
00:21:07,519 --> 00:21:09,400
Yeah, this is Artie.
Leave a message.
377
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:21,640
It's a benefit. Artie is running late.
I just need somebody to do like 15.
378
00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:24,160
Come on, man.
379
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:27,279
- Ready ? Come on.
- Hey, I don't run to spots.
380
00:21:28,039 --> 00:21:29,359
- Come on, man !
- No !
381
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:31,519
Thank you !
382
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:35,519
Jessica Kirson, everybody !
383
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:44,599
All right. We have more show.
You guys feeling good ?
384
00:21:45,319 --> 00:21:49,079
Artie is, uh, he's in the building,
I believe he's very close,
385
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:50,559
but we have another... a pop-in.
386
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:53,079
Are you guys excited to see...
387
00:21:54,279 --> 00:21:56,640
Let's start clapping right now
for a friend of the show.
388
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:59,039
It's Greer Barnes, everybody !
It's Greer Barnes !
389
00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:03,680
If I was a white woman,
I would rob black dudes.
390
00:22:06,079 --> 00:22:08,680
I'd walk up to lack dudes
and be like, "Hi, my name is Sarah.
391
00:22:08,759 --> 00:22:10,400
Give me your wallet."
392
00:22:12,559 --> 00:22:14,160
"Sarah ?
That's my grandmamma's name."
393
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:15,960
"Give me your wallet
or I'm gonna scream."
394
00:22:16,039 --> 00:22:17,440
"Here, Sarah."
395
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,039
Please, it's a benefit.
396
00:22:20,119 --> 00:22:22,480
You want me to close a benefit,
whch means I gotta do well,
397
00:22:22,559 --> 00:22:24,799
which means I gotta try.
398
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:27,559
I just need somebody to close, please.
I've been running back and forth.
399
00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:29,880
- I need 20 minutes.
- Yeah, I'll do it.
400
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,680
- Really ?
- What am I, a dick ? Of course.
401
00:22:32,759 --> 00:22:34,880
Oh my God. You're really helping me.
Thank you.
402
00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:38,599
All right. Relax.
You're sweating like an informant.
403
00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:42,000
- Can we go ?
- Yeah, let me just finish this.
404
00:22:42,079 --> 00:22:45,319
I don't have "let me just finish this"
kind of time.
405
00:22:46,759 --> 00:22:49,880
I got two kids, 14 and 16 years old.
406
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:52,799
We sit around after dinner sometimes
and we play this game called,
407
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:57,920
let's all take a shit on Dad. Let's all
talk about what a nerd Dad is.
408
00:22:58,480 --> 00:22:59,960
"But Dad, you're so out of it."
409
00:23:00,039 --> 00:23:02,839
"Dad, you don't get it."
"Dad, you don't know how to do it."
410
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:06,359
It's like, "Hey !
You don't know me, motherfucker."
411
00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:12,480
You don't know who I was.
I used to be very cool.
412
00:23:13,319 --> 00:23:17,200
You know when I stopped being cool ?
When you two assholes were born.
413
00:23:18,039 --> 00:23:22,039
Before that, very cool.
Way cooler than you will ever be.
414
00:23:22,759 --> 00:23:25,279
You know why you won't be
as cool as I was ?
415
00:23:25,359 --> 00:23:29,119
Because you're not being raised
by an abusive, alcoholic parent.
416
00:23:30,519 --> 00:23:32,319
And that can change.
417
00:23:33,279 --> 00:23:36,680
Thank you very much, you guys
have been great. Thanks a lot.
418
00:23:40,119 --> 00:23:43,160
Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody !
Greg Fitzsimmons.
419
00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:45,400
Wasn't that great ?
And how about a round of applause ?
420
00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:48,240
That was a great show !
Wasn't that a great show ?
421
00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:53,480
Unfortunately, Artie did not make it,
but I do think...
422
00:23:55,279 --> 00:23:58,720
But you didn't know this,
423
00:23:58,799 --> 00:24:03,960
your ticket actually, all of your ticket
money went to a wonderful cause,
424
00:24:04,039 --> 00:24:08,119
Wayne Federman,
and Hodgkins... Hodgkins.
425
00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:11,720
And, so your money is gonna help pay
some of his medical bills.
426
00:24:11,799 --> 00:24:13,799
Who cares ? We want Artie.
427
00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:17,079
And we've run out of time.
There's another show.
428
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:21,279
So I apologize. Artie is not here,
but thank you for helping Wayne.
429
00:24:21,359 --> 00:24:23,079
Fuck Wayne Federman.
430
00:24:25,359 --> 00:24:28,039
Wayne Federman has Hodgkins.
431
00:24:29,079 --> 00:24:31,039
Sorry. Um, sorry about this.
432
00:24:48,799 --> 00:24:50,319
What the fuck ?
433
00:24:56,359 --> 00:24:58,880
- Artie.
- Hey, what's going on ?
434
00:24:59,279 --> 00:25:02,519
What's going on ? Where were you ?
You missed the show.
435
00:25:02,599 --> 00:25:04,960
You know what, man ? I'm sorry.
I had some stuff going on, okay ?
436
00:25:05,039 --> 00:25:07,359
I had to do some things.
I apologize, all right ? I'm sorry.
437
00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:10,759
Some stuff, really ? Some stuff
going on ? What was going on ?
438
00:25:10,839 --> 00:25:12,400
You know what, I don't know.
Something was going on.
439
00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:15,240
You gotta stay... Get outta my ass
about this, all right ?
440
00:25:15,319 --> 00:25:18,400
I've been running back and forth
to get people to cover for you.
441
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:19,920
Oh, I'm all broken up about that.
442
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:23,400
I'm gonna be honest about this.
I guess I'm a piece of shit, all right ?
443
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:26,920
You just fucked Wayne.
You just fucked me, fucked the show.
444
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:28,240
You know what, okay.
I'm done with this.
445
00:25:28,319 --> 00:25:30,279
I'm a piece of shit.
Let's just leave it at that.
446
00:25:30,359 --> 00:25:32,559
I was out scoring.
I was out trying to buy drugs, okay ?
447
00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:34,240
- What ?
- Yeah. That's what I was doing.
448
00:25:34,319 --> 00:25:36,799
What happened to turning it around ?
We're turning things around ?
449
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:38,720
You are unfucking believable, man.
450
00:25:38,799 --> 00:25:41,559
Are you stupid or naive
or just ignorant ?
451
00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:44,319
I don't know where the fuck you
came from. Turning it around ?
452
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:46,640
Do you see who's talking to you, man ?
I'm a heroin addict.
453
00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:49,839
I bullshit people, that's what I do.
I'm not gonna turn around ever.
454
00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:51,759
I thought we were moving
in the right direction.
455
00:25:51,839 --> 00:25:54,960
- What happened to moving...
- Moving in the right direction ?
456
00:25:55,039 --> 00:25:56,400
Yes. I thought we were making
some changes.
457
00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:58,400
Were you with me the other night
when I was sweating from withdrawals
458
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:00,720
and I go copping for a hit ?
Were you with me that night ?
459
00:26:00,799 --> 00:26:02,960
Were you moving in the right
direction with me that night ?
460
00:26:03,039 --> 00:26:05,599
No, you weren't. So I had to go do
what I have to do.
461
00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:08,400
- And you do whatever you do.
- Artie, I know you're struggling.
462
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:11,039
Struggling ?
Struggling ain't the word, man.
463
00:26:11,119 --> 00:26:14,119
This is a physical thing.
It's not just an emotional thing.
464
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:16,200
- It's physical getting off heroin.
- I know.
465
00:26:16,279 --> 00:26:19,440
If I could go back,
honestly, I wish I could go back
466
00:26:19,519 --> 00:26:22,799
when a younger Artie did heroin
for the first time
467
00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:26,920
in a fucking hotel room on the road,
and I wish I could tackle that guy.
468
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:30,039
I literally... I wish I could tackle him
and stop him from doing it,
469
00:26:30,119 --> 00:26:32,799
but it's over. It's just over.
470
00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:38,680
You have an opportunity, okay ?
You've been handed this life.
471
00:26:38,759 --> 00:26:41,519
Don't you owe it to the people
that love you ?
472
00:26:41,599 --> 00:26:42,599
Oh, my God.
473
00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:44,799
Don't you owe it to your... mom ?
Your dad ?
474
00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:49,079
Honestly, I guess maybe I had it wrong.
Maybe you do care a little too much.
475
00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:51,119
Honestly, maybe it's kind of creepy
that you care too much.
476
00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:53,720
And bringing up my mother
and my fucking dad.
477
00:26:53,799 --> 00:26:56,319
You're bringing up dead relatives now.
Honestly, that's fucked up.
478
00:26:56,400 --> 00:27:00,480
Fuck you, Pete. Fuck you.
I don't need this shit from you, okay ?
479
00:27:00,559 --> 00:27:02,799
Honestly, just get the fuck away
from me.
480
00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:04,319
- Can we just...
- Get the fuck away from me.
481
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:05,599
- Let's just...
- Get the fuck away.
482
00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:08,000
I'll fucking lay you out, okay ?
483
00:27:08,519 --> 00:27:10,519
I'll fucking lay you out.
484
00:27:10,599 --> 00:27:13,400
Go fucking do your fruity little comedy.
485
00:27:14,559 --> 00:27:15,920
Piece of shit.
486
00:27:28,079 --> 00:27:31,279
Try and hard as you can
not to do that again.
487
00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:36,920
Is anyone else having the time
of their life ? I am.
488
00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:40,599
I am a gambler.
That's why I dress like this.
489
00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:43,519
I'm a degenerate gambler.
I've been in show business for 30 years,
490
00:27:43,599 --> 00:27:46,799
and I'm wearing the same jacket that
I had on at a Rush concert in 1981.
491
00:27:48,359 --> 00:27:50,200
I don't know how to help this guy.
492
00:27:50,279 --> 00:27:53,759
I bet on sports that I know
nothing about like the NBA.
493
00:27:54,319 --> 00:27:57,759
I don't think you can help him.
I've been in the program a lot of years,
494
00:27:57,839 --> 00:28:01,400
and I can tell you,
you can't make this choice for him.
495
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:04,000
He's not ready to stop.
496
00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:08,079
Eli Manning and Peyton Manning
have a brother, Cooper Manning, okay ?
497
00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:11,799
Cooper Manning sucks at quarterback
and he sells insurance.
498
00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:15,519
That's a rough Thanksgiving for Cooper.
Your father gets drunk and he goes,
499
00:28:15,599 --> 00:28:18,440
"Cooper, can you pass the gravy ?
Can you pass anything ?"
500
00:28:19,599 --> 00:28:22,519
It's a good time.
This is what I do for a living.
501
00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:52,000
End of episode 6
43310
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