All language subtitles for Crashing.S02E05.Too.Good.720p.HMAX.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

Great live comedy show.

Great live comedy.

CRASHING

Great live comedy.

Great live show.

Great live show.

- Appreciate it. Appreciate it.
- You got a napkin ?

Yeah, of course.

- You got a lot of napkins ?
- I'm a napkin guy.

- Here you go.
- Oh, thanks.

Hey. The Lucas brothers.

- What up ?
- I'm a really big fan.

It's really nice to meet...
I'm a fan of both of you guys.

Well, it would be kinda weird
if you were just a fan of one of us.

Yeah. We haven't released
any solo records yet.

But thanks, man.

- I'm a comic. Well, I'm trying to be.
- All right.

They got me actually... I'm handing out
flyers for the comedy club The Boston.

If you guys wanna go up, the show's
working right now if you wanna pop on.

- You wanna go do The Boston ?
- No.

- No, no, no.
- I don't understand. Why ?

Here's the thing, man. We don't really
perform in places like that.

Places like what ? Comedy clubs ?

Dude, we don't do clubs.

No. No. We're alt guys,
you know what I mean ?

We're alternative comics.
Alternative clubs.

Everybody's told me that you gotta in
at the clubs,

gotta get your foot in and it's rough,
but you grind out,

you get a little bit better every day,
right ? I mean...

I guess, but there's some crowds
you don't wanna kill for,

and if you stay in clubs like that
you might become a comic like that.

I kinda feel like there are comedians
who called people fag in highschool.

And there are comedians
who got called fags, right ?

And the alt scene is for comedians
who got called fag.

- Did you ?
- Get called... yeah.

- See ?
- On the way here, actually.

Of course. There you go.
Say no more.

- We gotta go. We got a bit, man.
- Okay.

Good luck, man.

- Best of luck.
- Thank you.

- Hey, Jay.
- What's up, buddy ?

I was wondering if it's okay,

I thought maybe tomorrow night
you'd be okay without me.

- Without you ?
- Yeah, I just...

- You're gonna take the night off ?
- I wanna, if that's okay.

Off, yeah, of course.
Why not take tomorrow night off.

Sure. Of course.

Since we work at Jamba Juice,
just have Becky cover your shift.

Pete, this is comedy.
You gotta get up every night, man.

No, I'm gonna go to a comedy show.
I'm gonna go.

It's just I...
I don't want to come here.

- I wanna go to the alt scene.
- Oh the alt scene ! Oh, good, okay.

Well, yeah. No, sure. I mean,
if you wanna go watch a pack of nerds

lightly tickle the audience
with a feather, suit yourself.

Sorry. I just want to do something...
Have you been to an alt show ?

Have I been ?
I've been to a Chinese restaurant

where a show broke out
that was alternative to funny.

Just five guys in glasses and flannels
talking about their journaling.

Have I witnessed that brand
of comedy terrorism ? Yeah.

I've seen that. No thanks.

I don't need to see
five brats from Williamsburg

shitting on whatever the hell
they're parents handed them.

He's... okay. I'm just letting you know,
tomorrow night...

Someone else can take my corner.

Sure, absolutely.
I'd happily fill your slot.

It'll be waiting for you
when you come back in the year 2090

after you've done fake laughing
at Morrissey references

and sipping Pabst Blue Ribbon
out a paper bag, you fucking wuss.

Do you wanna come ?
It sounds like you wanna come.

I found out... I turned 30. I realized,
you know, everything's pretty easy.

There's no gray areas.
It's all pretty black and white.

Anyways, so, if you need-any advice,
just let me know.

Like, for example,
I got into the elevator the other day

and I was alone and so I farted,
which is legal, you know.

But I got out at the lobby,

and then someone I knew
came into that same elevator car.

Now, that's a tricky situation
cause it's like, the door's are closing,

buttons are being pushed, I mean,
what can you do ?

And so then, uh, so, you know,
what can you do ? You send an email,

and it's subject "I'm sorry,"
body, "It was me."

My body did that.

Uh, so anyway guys,
I think this was really helpful for you

and thank you guys so much.

Keep it going for Lizzy, everybody.

Guys, keep it going for Jo.
She popped out her Invisalign for this.

This is a nice intimate room.

Do you think Abraham Lincoln
liked the play he was watching

or was he like,
"Somebody put me out of my misery ?"

I have to say, out of all the addresses,

my favorite address is Gettysburg,

and my least favorite address is,
"Hey, bitches."

Don't address me that way.
I thought we were friends.

All right. Are we ready for a nice act ?

I am so excited.

Please welcome to the stage
the hilarious Ali Reissen !

Thank you.

Lizzy Cooperman. There she is.
Best top notch Brooklyn.

Fun fact about Lizzy,
she studied piano at Julliard.

She was taught by Cookie Monster.

Do you guys like impressions ?

Okay, cool.
So, okay, here's my first one.

This is my impression
of a pretentious orphan.

Okay, this is a pretentious orphan.

Do you know who my father is ?

This is my impression of Meryl Streep
trying to take a compliment.

Hey, Ali.

- Hey.
- Pete.

Yeah. Hang on one second.

- Pete from the other night.
- Yeah. Hey.

- Great set.
- Thank you.

- Killer.
- Thank you.

- Really. I haven't... you own the room.
- Oh thank you.

- Really funny.
- Thanks.

- Still trying to... make a tape ?
- Yeah. Um, yeah, you know.

It can be hard.

I feel like I'm a lot more natural
when I'm not taping myself.

- Curse of the tape.
- Yeah.

- Sorry about the other day.
- Yes. Really glad you said something.

- If it's any consul...tation...
- ...ation.

- Consulation.
- Yeah. Consultation is for hair.

If I could give you
a brief consultation.

- Please don't.
- I'm new at all this.

I know it might have seemed
a little creepier than I intended it.

- Yeah.
- So I...

- Are sorry... you're sorry.
- I are sorry.

- You are sorry.
- Toys R Us. I are sorry.

Okay. Yeah. I'm also sorry.

We both could've been our better selves
in that situation.

So I'm sorry too. I'm also sorry
'cause I truly do have to run right now.

- I have a show. Um, yeah. So...
- Yeah, no problem.

- Okay.
- It was good.

- Yeah...
- Have...

Unless, do you want to come with me
to my show ?

- Now ?
- Yeah.

- To my show ?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would love to come.
Love to see another show.

All right. Okay guys, I gotta go.
Bye. Great to see you.

Very funny.
I love your long shirt. That's cool.

- Oh, thanks.
- Okay. Yeah, don't talk to them.

I feel like if an elf,
if an elf trips at the North Pole,

they give him a candy cane.

- It's sad but sweet.
- Yeah, 'cause he's a little disabled.

It's the only candy based
on medical equipment.

Yeah, right ?

That's like a dad joke.

- I like dad jokes.
- No. That does not surprise me.

That's completely your vibe.

You're kinda like a dorky dad
at a barbecue.

That's kind of your essence.

Like a Tom Arnold character
in the '90's.

Yeah. Yes !

I, to be honest,
of all the things I could be,

I don't mind being like a fun dad.

- Can I have that ?
- Yeah.

- I may ?
- Yeah, my gift to you.

Is this your last spot
or are you doing...

No. I have this one and then,
two more after.

- Really ?
- Yeah.

- In one night ?
- Yeah.

My record in one night... is one.

- Are you serious ?
- Yeah.

I can't even think... I don't know
four places in the city to go.

That's insane.
Why do you live in the city ?

That's the whole point of New York, you
can bounce around to different spots.

How long
have you been doing comedy ?

Uh, well, a short answer three years,

but I've been more focused
the past couple months.

My wife...

- Wife ?
- My ex-wife, sorry.

- Whoa, okay.
- Yeah.

All right.

- You're not an adulteress.
- Okay, good.

She is. Yeah.

- Oh no.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's fine, it's fine. All right.

She had an affair
that was the whole thing

and because I'm now single
for the first time in my life

I'm doing a lot more sets.

Totally. You channel the pain
into performing. I totally get that.

Why did you get into stand up ?

I don't know. My parents,
they work together

and they both cheated on each other.

Yeah. So it was like
this really weird household.

Actually, I kind of tried to start
talking about this on stage, but...

So my mom was cheating on my dad
with this guy

who had like a really long
like gross gray ponytail,

like sex me ponytail.

It was like braided into a tip,
you know what I mean ?

He wore a lot of like turquoise jewelry.
It was really rough,

and I didn't know
that that was happening,

but I did notice that my dad started
to try to grow his own ponytail,

but he couldn't,
like his hair just doesn't do that.

So he had this little
like broccoli floret.

- But he did that for your mom ?
- He did it to like get my mom back.

Yeah. So that'll fuck you up for good,
and make you go into standup.

Your parents are still together ?

Unfortunately, yeah.
They're hanging on by a thread.

Not even something
as thick as a thread.

- A ponytail. A thin, wiry ponytail.
- That's not a train laugh.

Let's give a nice shout out
to Kenny DeForest

for quitting high school basketball.

Hey, also, keep it going
for black Bart Simpson, everybody.

I think this guy is really
something special.

Give it up for adult Bart Simpson.

Give it up for Lisa.

Oh, shit. Ali brought this Paul Bunyan
looking motherfucker through.

He just got cut by the Utah Jazz, man.

Hey, Jimmy's nephew, everybody.
Did a little chest pass.

America's first center.

Is this even legal ?
This is like a college party.

At my college we didn't have parties.
We had prayer parties.

Sometimes we would swing dance.
Fun excuse to touch a lady's waste.

I think we could put you up actually.

- Really ? Uh, yeah.
- Yeah, like five minutes.

- Hi !
- Hi, Guinevere. How's it going ?

- You're gonna be up in two.
- Okay, cool.

Who's this tall drink of vodka soda ?
Do I know you ?

I feel like I know you.
Have we met before ?

I don't think so.
I'm a comedian. I'm Pete.

Hmm, why don't I know you ?

I don't' know. This is your room ?
Do you book this room ?

Yeah. And Whiplash and Bar Chooch
and The Candle Factory, I mean...

- I don't know what those words are.
- Are you from out of town ?

- No. No. He lives here.
- Yeah.

He could probably go up
if you guys have room.

- Only if you have room.
- Hmm, we'll see.

Efron, I'm counting your Michelobs.

I do have body dsymorphia.
I think I get it from my grandma.

She always told that I have cankles.
She was like, "You have cankles,"

which if you don't know what that is,
it's part calf, part ankle,

also, you can throw my thighs
in the mix. I have thankles.

And my grandmother said that to me,
and I was like,

oh, that's crazy
because grandma you have mount.

She's like what is that ?
I'm like, that's mouth mixed with cunt.

You have cunt mouth.

Do you guys like impressions ?
Great, here we go.

They say that cockroaches will survive
the nuclear holocaust.

So what is in Raid that's worse
than a nuclear holocaust ?

And should I be keeping it in the pantry
next to my dry goods ?

Sorry, I know this is weird
for a comedian to say,

but I'm not used to laughing.

I should take you with me to other clubs

so you should see how that joke
normally does.

I don't know, this...
I don't have kids.

I was talking with a friend of mine,

I don't have kids,
but doesn't it kind of feel like I do ?

I don't have any, but I kinda feel like
an embarrassing dad, like a dorky...

Like an embarrassing dad at a barbecue
just kind of going Fresca, like that.

- He's funny, right ?
- He'll be funny in three years.

- Yeah !
- That was so fun.

- You had a great set.
- Yeah. Like he best set I've ever had.

- Really ? That's awesome.
- Thank you.

Yeah, of course.

What about you ?
That was a great set.

- Did you get your tape ?
- Nah. I flubbed a bit.

God, I wish I had taped mine.

I did. Yeah, I just left it running.

- What ?
- It's really... it was fine. So easy.

- Thank you.
- You're so welcome.

- So what, where next ?
- We're going to Rififi.

Rififi. Say it again.

- You think they'll let me up ?
- Nope. I've created a monster.

They will not let you up. It took me
like two years to get in there.

- Yeah ?
- Yeah.

You know, when I was married,
I used to do mics in the city,

and I would send her photos
of the Empire State Building

to show her what color it was
that night.

This is a good one.

Is that your flirt strategy
is bringing up your ex-wife ?

- No, I...
- It's fine, it's fine.

- It's quite a dick pic.
- Yes.

What did she text back, just like
a photo of the Holland Tunnel ?

No. She wasn't really...
She didn't do bits.

That's a bummer.

I'm sorry. I'm just kind of
getting used to being a divorcé.

I'm a divorcé. I don't think
that's a great word for it.

It sounds like a happy thing,
like a fiance, or Beyonce, or Kanye.

Right, right.
It feels like it should be a happy word.

Than "I'm a divorcé.'

Like a pile of laundry
waiting to be cleaned.

- I never noticed that it changed.
- That's Caribbean Week.

- It's my favorite.
- Of course you have a favorite.

You know, Oprah Winfrey,

you would think out of all the years,
the most powerful lady, richest,

but I've never in my life have ever
heard of another child named Oprah.

Have you though ? Have you ever ?
It's something to think about.

- I mean, I bet there is one.
- But where ? I guess you could...

But where ?
I mean, I would guess Maryland.

Let me ask. Alex, is there more Oprahs
out there other than the main Oprah ?

You guys, let's start
the stand-up comedy, let's hear it !

One, two, three, four.

30 seconds, 30 seconds,
30 seconds to the stand up.

30 seconds, 30 seconds,
30 seconds to the stand up.

Comedy in... go Eugene, go !

A friend of mine recently told me
that when we were in elementary school,

our teacher told her not to be my friend
because I was a loser.

And then to prove...

- I got a good spot.
- Oh, thank you.

- Yeah, it's gonna be great.
- Oh cool.

You okay ?

Not really.
I was supposed to go up next

but John Mulaney dropped in so now
I'm probably gonna miss Whiplash.

- That's really shitty.
- Shit.

- Maybe is there something we can do...
- It's fine. I'll figure it out.

I know that if you wanted to show
that I was bad at math,

it would be very easy, but what's
the test that shows you're a loser ?

Like, was the question like,
"What's your favorite food,"

and I was like, "Sour cream."

"Who's your favorite band ?"
"My rabbi."

"If you could be friends with anyone
living or dead, who would it be ?"

"Henry Kissinger."

Yeah, you want to try something ?

There's something new I've been doing
for the last five years.

But, um, this is totally
a friendship call...

- I'm sorry. Excuse me, John ? Hello.
- Hi.

- My friend Ali Riessen, you know her ?
- No.

She's a very, very funny comedian.
She was gonna go next,

but then you bumped her,
which is obviously fine,

but we were just wondering
if you could go after her

because she has a spot
that she has to get to after this.

I can't do that.
I have a 10:45 spot.

That's the only reason
I asked to bump her.

It would mean a lot to her.
It would mean a lot to me.

I'm a huge...
You're like our comedy Kennedy.

This is exciting for me.
I'm a really big fan.

- So you didn't hear what I just said.
- No, I heard you, I'm just wondering...

The reason I bumped her
is because I need something.

To undo the bump would be
to take away the thing I want.

Why would I do that ?
And who are you in all this ?

And what are you to her
that you walk over to me on her behalf ?

No. I'm trying to impress her.
I'm a comic.

- Great. Do you have a business card ?
- No, I...

That was a put down.

I'm sorry. My dad just told me if you
want something you gotta ask for it.

- So I saw you...
- Your dad sounds like an idiot.

Is he like a salt-of-the-earth
type of person ?

Hi. What's going on ?

- Are you Ali ?
- I am, hi.

I'm very sorry for bumping you,
but I have to get somewhere, so...

I was seeing if he would swap with you
so you could get to your show on time.

- We're talking about it.
- No. I'm so sorry. I didn't ask him...

That's okay. Oh, you don't have
to apologize. I fully know it's him.

Yeah. Can I...

- What are you doing ?
- What do you mean ? I'm trying to help.

- But I didn't ask you to.
- I'm sorry.

Right. But if I wanted him to switch,
I would've just asked him to switch.

I didn't need you to like step in
and Suge Knight the situation.

I didn't hit him with an SUV, I'm trying
to help you with your problem.

- That's kinda not how this works, Pete,
- Okay, I just...

- It's fine.
- I know. I'm sorry.

I was walking on West 12th Street,
I was downtown

and I was on West 12th Street,
and I was downtown.

I was walking one afternoon
and I was downtown.

I'm walking towards a guy, he's walking
towards me and we're downtown.

And as he walks past me,
he's on his cell phone

and I hear him say, "No, no, no,
I can't meet fight now. I'm way uptown,"

and then he looked at me
and he winked and kept walking.

The greatest person I've ever met
in my whole life.

Greatest person I've ever... He should
be declared Mayor of New York City.

Automatic mayor,
even if he's had a sex scandal,

which he probably has if that's how he
conducts himself on a day-to-day basis.

If he's lying about his whereabouts at
2:00 in the afternoon on a Wednesday

while eye high-fiving random guys
on the street.

Please put your hands together
for Ali Reissen, everybody.

How are you ?
I'm wearing overalls. Take it in.

I always feel like I wear overalls
I feel like a hipster toddler.

Like, Mommy, can we please listen
to Chance da Wapper ?

Do you guys like impressions ? Cool.

This is a Meryl Streep
trying to take a compliment.

So it's Meryl Streep, she's really
trying to take a compliment.

Here we go. Here we go.

Oh, no ! No ! No !

No, no, no !

You ! You ! You !

You, you, you !

You, you, no !

Too good.

Too good.

You make the best guacamole ! You !

Too good !

It's good stuff.

Is that you ?

- I mean...
- Is that your laugh ?

Too good !

Are you saying "Too good ?"

Yeah. I think that's me.
I must've been right by the camera.

Your laugh just ruined my tape.

Too good !

I thought laughing a lot would help.

It would help to get the crowd going.
I...

Getting them going ?
What are you talking about ?

They were amazing. You can't even
hear them though over you.

- I'm so sorry.
- Oh my God.

This fucking sucks, man.

That sucks. That sucks. Sorry.

But, you know, we got Whiplash,
we got another one.

We'll get a good tape from there.
You still have a shot.

- We still... we can do this.
- Pete, I think we should call it.

- Okay. I fucked up. I fucked up.
- Yeah.

And I just... let me make it right.
I'll set up the camera.

Pete, I appreciate the sentiment,

but I don't need your help
in this pursuit.

I just want to get my tape.

I was so close,
and it's fucked and that sucks.

So just let me go do my thing.

I won't laugh. I'll laugh normal.
I'll laugh like...

- Pete...
- These are fun, silly laughs.

I hear what you're saying.
I don't need your help with Mulaney.

I don't need your help with my tape.
I'm great on my own. I'm so good.

- I know I fucked up with Mulaney.
- And I don't resent. I'm fine !

Sorry, ladies and gentlemen,
there's maintenance on the train ahead.

We have a delay on the track and
we should be moving again momentarily.

Shit.

- Seriously ?
- I know.

- Would it be okay to help you now ?
- What ?

The last stop was Union Square, right ?
This is almost Sixth Avenue.

That means we're only
a few blocks away.

- We're in the middle of a tunnel.
- We're not.

- I can see the station from here.
- Just forget it.

- Look...
- Please just go away. Just go.

You don't have to like me.
I get it. I understand.

Just let me help you
and you never have to see me again.

I just want to get you to your show.
Okay ?

Let me fix this.

- Okay.
- Yes. Yes. Okay. Just follow me.

Ah, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

- What are you doing ?
- I saw this in...

Oh my God !

Go, go, go, go, go !

All right, folks. She's hilarious,
and she's here. Ali Reissen, everybody !

Sorry, I'm late.

Oh, boy, I'm winded.

How are you guys ?
Nice. Nice.

I have a roommate still. Yeah.

Anybody else compromising
their living situations ? Okay. Yeah !

She told me that she grew up believing
that women lose their virginity

whenever their hymen breaks,
and I'm like, that's crazy.

If that's the case, I lost my virginity
when I was at gymnastics camp

when I was 11 years old
and I slept with my coach.

So I don't know...
If it was very successful.

Do you guys like impressions ?

That's too good.

- Too good.
- Don't.

- Too good !
- No, no, no, no.

It's laundry day.

A lot of guys will try to fight me
because I'm stealing their jobs.

A guy said
"I'm gonna tear you a new asshole"

and I said, "I'm a robot.

I don't have an asshole,
so maybe that would be good."

I think the Transformers franchise
is racist.

It's a bunch of my people
ashamed of who they are

and pretending they're inanimate,
and they're always like,

"Joe, you're just doing
that so humans aren't scared."

And I'm like, well,
you should've thought of that

before you turned into monsters

and destroyed all those cities
with your fist fights,

'cause the secret's out.

You don't have to be a truck anymore."

End of episode 5