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1
00:01:08,719 --> 00:01:09,719
Yeah.
2
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:14,519
CRASHING
3
00:01:14,599 --> 00:01:17,239
Season 2, episode 4
4
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Leif ?
5
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:38,760
Hey, come on in.
6
00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:42,359
- Good morning, Pete.
- Is it ok to come in ?
7
00:01:42,439 --> 00:01:45,480
- Of course. Papaya ?
- Oh, sure.
8
00:01:47,239 --> 00:01:49,680
- Is this how you do it ?
- Do what ?
9
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:52,959
Sorry to be a snoop, but...
10
00:01:53,319 --> 00:01:56,439
It sounded like you were getting
down and dirty last night.
11
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You dirty dog. Listening to the sounds
that love makes, huh ?
12
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:05,120
I know it's a little bit weird to say.
It's not like I tried, I heard it.
13
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:09,599
You are, I mean, Herculean.
I don't know how else to put it.
14
00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:12,080
I'm more of a three creaks
and a pass out kind of guy.
15
00:02:12,159 --> 00:02:14,919
I've never had
that sort of Olympic fervor.
16
00:02:19,439 --> 00:02:20,919
Jess ?
17
00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:24,800
Hey, Pete. How are you ?
18
00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:28,879
Did you just now arrive, or...
19
00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:31,360
- No.
- No.
20
00:02:34,439 --> 00:02:36,800
That was... that... what ?
21
00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:40,159
Oh, fuck.
22
00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:43,280
I really don't want to do
this again right now.
23
00:02:43,599 --> 00:02:44,879
And you don't have to.
24
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:48,199
I could hear... I could hear you guys.
I was down there. I was...
25
00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:50,000
Leif and I are friends.
26
00:02:50,759 --> 00:02:53,800
Fuck friends. Sex friends. You fuck.
Is that it ? Fuck buddies ?
27
00:02:53,879 --> 00:02:57,360
Jess and I found a very respectful way
to use eachother.
28
00:02:57,759 --> 00:02:58,960
Are you serious ?
29
00:02:59,039 --> 00:03:02,719
We're not even having like a real
relationship. It's purely physical.
30
00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:04,759
Yeah. If anything,
it's way better, Peter.
31
00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:07,960
We can give each other
what the other needs by just asking.
32
00:03:08,039 --> 00:03:11,520
She can give me her deepest
and her darkest without any shame.
33
00:03:11,599 --> 00:03:14,080
It's pretty wonderful, man.
Total liberation.
34
00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:16,319
And I'm give it to her...
35
00:03:25,759 --> 00:03:27,759
Whether you want to admit it or not,
36
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:32,039
Leif is a very, very, very
supportive friend.
37
00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:35,400
He's been supportive of you
through everything and of me.
38
00:03:35,479 --> 00:03:38,400
Like, he has really been there.
You know that.
39
00:03:38,759 --> 00:03:44,919
He's just a safe space for me.
He's just a true friend.
40
00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:47,680
Sorry. Pete, we really wanted
to tell you sooner.
41
00:03:47,759 --> 00:03:51,080
I'm sorry that we didn't.
Like... that was wrong.
42
00:03:51,159 --> 00:03:52,240
But are you seriously telling me
43
00:03:52,319 --> 00:03:54,240
that you haven't gotten lonely at all
during all of this
44
00:03:54,319 --> 00:03:57,080
or like, I don't know,
dropped your good boy routine
45
00:03:57,159 --> 00:04:00,960
long enough to get into something
that's none of my business ?
46
00:04:02,599 --> 00:04:04,639
- Maybe one or two.
- Okay.
47
00:04:04,719 --> 00:04:06,719
- But...
- So that's a good thing.
48
00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:09,680
Okay. I'll find a way.
49
00:04:10,479 --> 00:04:15,159
I can find a way to put this
outside my brain.
50
00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:20,519
I can get my mind around this
if you just give me a little patience.
51
00:04:21,439 --> 00:04:25,480
I think it could be very cool
if we tried to spend some time together.
52
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:27,240
I don't know.
53
00:04:27,319 --> 00:04:31,360
- Yeah. I'd like that.
- I'd like that too.
54
00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:38,680
Great live comedy, sir ?
55
00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:44,759
We've got a great live show tonight.
56
00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,199
What's going on ?
57
00:04:57,680 --> 00:04:59,920
So, you didn't hear about Porter,
did you ?
58
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:04,560
No. Is everything okay ?
Did something happen to him ?
59
00:05:11,639 --> 00:05:15,439
- Porter got HBO.
- What... what... what...
60
00:05:15,519 --> 00:05:17,240
Whitney Cummings has
this new TV showcase
61
00:05:17,319 --> 00:05:21,879
and she pretty much plucked him to be
the next generation of stand-up comics.
62
00:05:23,519 --> 00:05:26,360
- What ? Are you... really ?
- Yeah.
63
00:05:26,439 --> 00:05:28,240
- Whitney Cummings ?
- Whitney Cummings.
64
00:05:28,319 --> 00:05:31,279
- Came to the Boston ?
- Right there.
65
00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:35,000
- And she booked Porter, our Porter ?
- Yeah.
66
00:05:35,079 --> 00:05:37,079
Apparently she was wearing
a wool beanie.
67
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:39,160
If I had known she was here,
68
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:43,639
I would've done, you know,
like a TV, like an HBO set, but...
69
00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:45,560
What the fuck did Porter do ?
70
00:05:45,639 --> 00:05:48,959
He goes up, he's...
Was she on bath salts ?
71
00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:52,720
- I don't know.
- Fuck him ! Talentless piece of shit.
72
00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:55,360
- They book fucking cheese.
- He can't even follow me.
73
00:05:55,439 --> 00:05:57,120
How's does he expect to follow
Whitney Cummings.
74
00:05:57,199 --> 00:06:00,040
- He's a gnome.
- I'm sorry, but he's not...
75
00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:01,800
Oh, Porter !
76
00:06:02,959 --> 00:06:04,839
- Hey !
- How you doing, buddy ?
77
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:12,800
Well, I can't believe it, man.
You got signed by 3Arts ?
78
00:06:12,879 --> 00:06:14,480
- Yeah,I did.
- Oh man, that's so awesome.
79
00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:16,920
They rep everybody. It's crazy.
80
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:19,519
It might be tough to get them
on the phone by the way.
81
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:21,600
- I'm so... that's amazing.
- Yeah.
82
00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:24,759
I mean, all of this. All of this.
It's happening so fast.
83
00:06:24,839 --> 00:06:27,680
- When did when did you find out ?
- About a week ago.
84
00:06:28,319 --> 00:06:31,279
Porter, you've known for a week
and you didn't tell us ?
85
00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:34,000
I mean, we were barking two nights ago.
86
00:06:34,079 --> 00:06:36,040
I didn't think you guys would care.
87
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:37,600
- Come on, we...
- Of course we care.
88
00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:39,480
Of course we... I feel like I got it
89
00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:42,040
the way that I feel how good it is
that you got it.
90
00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:44,519
- Thank you.
- Yeah. Congrats man. You deserve it.
91
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,959
- Thank you. I think you mean it.
- I do.
92
00:06:48,279 --> 00:06:50,199
It's just so weird, man.
93
00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:52,279
Is it ? It's not that weird.
It's definitely not.
94
00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:54,839
I mean, it's kind of what we're here
to do. It's what we're doing.
95
00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,800
Did you tell your parents ? I mean,
that's a happy call to make, right ?
96
00:06:57,879 --> 00:06:59,439
Yeah actually, my dad said
97
00:06:59,519 --> 00:07:02,199
'I'm gonna come back from wherever
I've been for the last ten years,
98
00:07:02,279 --> 00:07:04,720
and we'll start fishing every Friday.'
99
00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:08,360
Classic Porter.
You sure 're ready ?
100
00:07:08,439 --> 00:07:10,839
Oh, yeah. Yeah, definitely.
I'm sure I'm ready.
101
00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:13,800
I mean, Whitney wouldn't have
booked me if I wasn't ready.
102
00:07:13,879 --> 00:07:16,800
All right. Cool.
I'm, you know, that...
103
00:07:16,879 --> 00:07:20,439
I'm just saying, I mean,
you don't want to jump in this too soon.
104
00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:24,319
I see what's fucking happening here.
105
00:07:24,399 --> 00:07:26,639
- You're jealous.
- No. No.
106
00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:28,959
- You're jealous of me.
- I'm not jealous.
107
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:30,360
I knew this shit was gonna happen,
108
00:07:30,439 --> 00:07:32,720
but I didn't know it was
gonna happen this fast.
109
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:37,279
Look at this. You can't even pretend
to be happy for me for a second.
110
00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:38,920
- We can pretend.
- No, no, no !
111
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,759
I can't take this negativity.
None of you are coming to the taping !
112
00:07:41,839 --> 00:07:44,800
- None of you ! Except for Pete.
- Wait, what ?
113
00:07:44,879 --> 00:07:47,439
Because Pete is a good guy,
and I trust him,
114
00:07:47,519 --> 00:07:50,680
and I know that he is actually
truly happy for me.
115
00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:52,600
- He is ?
- Are you ?
116
00:07:53,279 --> 00:07:57,720
You know, I would be honored to come.
That sounds exciting.
117
00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:04,680
- Is it good ?
- Yeah.
118
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:08,360
Which is good because if you get
food from a food truck that isn't good,
119
00:08:08,439 --> 00:08:11,759
if you go up to complain,
they're like three blocks away.
120
00:08:12,439 --> 00:08:15,839
You're jokes are funnier now
that they're not my problem.
121
00:08:16,759 --> 00:08:19,360
That's good. That's funny.
122
00:08:19,439 --> 00:08:23,120
I gotta say, this is a little surprising
for me, you know.
123
00:08:23,519 --> 00:08:26,560
The last time I saw you,
you were in a baptismal.
124
00:08:27,399 --> 00:08:29,319
Yeah. That didn't really go
how I thought it would,
125
00:08:29,399 --> 00:08:32,720
but I've started seeing a therapist.
126
00:08:35,679 --> 00:08:37,320
That's great.
127
00:08:37,399 --> 00:08:41,960
In fact, you know, that's normal.
That's nothing to be ashamed of.
128
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:44,919
I know that.
129
00:08:47,039 --> 00:08:48,879
I didn't mean that like...
130
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:52,200
I never figured out a healthy way
to express my anger.
131
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,960
I feel like you never did either.
132
00:08:55,039 --> 00:08:57,440
People always think just because
I'm like a cheery person
133
00:08:57,519 --> 00:08:59,120
like I'm hiding something.
134
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:02,440
Maybe I'm just happy,
like I'm like a light person.
135
00:09:02,519 --> 00:09:05,600
- Really ?
- Yes. Like a John Denver.
136
00:09:06,639 --> 00:09:10,440
My therapist thinks it's a good idea
to scream at the subway as it goes by.
137
00:09:10,519 --> 00:09:13,159
You can't yell at the train,
that's crazy.
138
00:09:13,639 --> 00:09:15,679
I've been been doing it.
139
00:09:16,799 --> 00:09:19,919
You ? You go onto the subway
platform and scream at...
140
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:21,960
- Yeah.
- At strangers ? Really ?
141
00:09:22,039 --> 00:09:24,799
They don't care. There's so much insane
stuff happening down there,
142
00:09:24,879 --> 00:09:26,440
it doesn't matter.
143
00:09:27,759 --> 00:09:32,000
So what,
did Leif just call you one day ?
144
00:09:32,559 --> 00:09:35,720
- I mean, how does that happen ?
- I called him actually.
145
00:09:35,799 --> 00:09:37,919
It's not like I have a million friends
I can talk to.
146
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,480
- What about the Kellys ?
- They're never around.
147
00:09:40,559 --> 00:09:43,120
- The Doughertys ?
- Everybody stopped calling me.
148
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:45,960
- The Kalitasis ?
- I lost them all in the divorce, Pete.
149
00:09:46,039 --> 00:09:48,440
I lost them in the divorce. I assumed
they were hanging out with you.
150
00:09:49,039 --> 00:09:50,279
They're not hanging out
with either of us ?
151
00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:51,360
No.
152
00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:52,879
I assumed you were hanging out
with Michelle.
153
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,639
No ! I don't hang out with Michelle.
154
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,279
- Oh, my God !
- What is that ?
155
00:09:56,639 --> 00:09:58,840
- Get out, Pete !
- Oh my god !
156
00:09:59,679 --> 00:10:00,840
Holy shit !
157
00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:05,200
Come on in here ! Get in here !
158
00:10:08,639 --> 00:10:12,399
- Oh, my God. We just got so wet.
- That came out of nowhere.
159
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:16,399
- Is that warm ?
- Yeah.
160
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,279
Oh, I feel like a sewer rat.
161
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:27,600
- That's crazy.
- That was crazy.
162
00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:33,600
- I'm glad we did this though.
- Yeah, me too.
163
00:10:34,159 --> 00:10:37,720
Although I'd rather be warm at home
watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
164
00:10:38,799 --> 00:10:41,159
- That sounds amazing.
- Yeah ?
165
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,279
- Can we ?
- Yeah, if you want to.
166
00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:50,519
Well, well, well...
I hope you bitches are ready.
167
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:52,600
Oh shit.
168
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,720
Oh my god, I'm obsessed
with Bianca Del Rio.
169
00:10:57,799 --> 00:11:00,600
She's a bit... but that's what we like.
170
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:07,679
- Thin Mint ?
- Ooh, frozen ?
171
00:11:07,759 --> 00:11:09,320
- Yeah, frozen.
- Hey !
172
00:11:09,399 --> 00:11:11,679
Straight from the freeze, Mageeze.
173
00:11:11,759 --> 00:11:13,600
- Nice.
- So good.
174
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:16,519
What ?
175
00:11:17,039 --> 00:11:19,039
- Shit.
- What ?
176
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:23,039
The power went out.
I can't even open the door.
177
00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:28,080
Yes. Yes.
178
00:11:29,279 --> 00:11:30,799
Yes.
179
00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:33,639
Carlsbad Caverns.
180
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:37,200
- Aren't you glad I didn't sell this ?
- I'm thrilled.
181
00:11:40,159 --> 00:11:44,279
This isn't so bad.
It's like olden times.
182
00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:50,159
We should talk about which townsboy
our 12-year-old daughter shall marry.
183
00:11:52,159 --> 00:11:54,000
The price of butter.
184
00:11:55,399 --> 00:11:57,360
It's so quiet.
185
00:11:57,799 --> 00:12:01,679
You can just like hear
all the sounds of the city.
186
00:12:02,279 --> 00:12:04,480
- Yeah.
- That's crazy.
187
00:12:05,879 --> 00:12:07,960
Look at us. I'm proud.
I'm proud of us.
188
00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:10,039
- Yeah.
- Right ?
189
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,879
No, it's good.
190
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,600
Pete ! Pete ! What are you doing ?
191
00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:29,879
- What do you mean ?
- I don't want that with you.
192
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,600
What do you mean ?
I thought we were having fun.
193
00:12:32,679 --> 00:12:35,360
- I thought maybe...
- No. I thought we're just hanging out.
194
00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:38,320
I don't... I think you'd like me now.
195
00:12:38,399 --> 00:12:42,279
Pete, I'm like the last person
you should be with emotionally.
196
00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:44,720
- I don't think you're seeing me.
- I am.
197
00:12:44,799 --> 00:12:46,600
I don't think... like, no.
198
00:12:46,679 --> 00:12:50,279
You're seeing who you were
married to, but that guy's gone.
199
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:52,480
I've learned things. I've done things.
200
00:12:52,559 --> 00:12:57,039
I'm a man now.
I can be your sex Sherpa.
201
00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:59,879
I can lead you up the mountain
of ecstasy
202
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:02,840
and swirl our souls
into some sort of divine union.
203
00:13:02,919 --> 00:13:04,879
Pete, you're trying to use me.
204
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,360
- I... yes. Yes.
- Okay, no.
205
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:09,039
- Let's... use each other.
- No.
206
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:13,159
You said, you and Leif use each other.
I want to use you. I want you to use me.
207
00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:16,039
- Just trust me.
- No, Pete. This is not...
208
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:18,440
Just give me a kiss.
Just one kiss. That's all I want.
209
00:13:18,519 --> 00:13:19,720
No.
210
00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:23,200
... to save yourself from elimination.
211
00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:27,759
The time has come to lip sync
212
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,240
for your life.
213
00:13:32,879 --> 00:13:34,519
And don't fuck it up.
214
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:03,639
Hello.I'm Pete Holmes.
I'm here to see Porter Harris.
215
00:14:05,559 --> 00:14:09,000
All right. You've gotta wear this.
Down the hall to your left.
216
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:11,279
I'm a comedian.
217
00:14:23,559 --> 00:14:24,720
Shit.
218
00:14:32,879 --> 00:14:35,080
- Hey, there he is.
- Oh, hey. Hey, man.
219
00:14:35,159 --> 00:14:36,240
What's going on ?
220
00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:38,879
This is Emma and this is Mo.
This is my friend Pete.
221
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:40,240
- What's up, Pete ?
- Hey, what's up, man ?
222
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:41,799
Is this your buddy from out of town ?
223
00:14:41,879 --> 00:14:44,799
Yeah. How do you guys know
each other ? Did you grow up together ?
224
00:14:44,879 --> 00:14:47,919
We... I'm Pete Holmes.
I'm a comedian.
225
00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:52,200
I'm actually... I'm shocked.
I could've sworn you're his manager.
226
00:14:52,639 --> 00:14:54,639
There's no reps in the greenroom.
227
00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:56,679
I'm not a representative. No.
228
00:14:56,759 --> 00:14:58,799
Yeah. He's a representative
of being my friend.
229
00:14:58,879 --> 00:14:59,879
Oh, we're friends.
230
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:01,320
We're friends,
so he represents me in that way.
231
00:15:01,399 --> 00:15:04,559
- I got you.
- I take ten percent of the fun.
232
00:15:05,559 --> 00:15:08,879
I'm... I'm excited for my friend.
I'm excited for guys.
233
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:12,639
But first time on TV.
I mean, that's... that's huge.
234
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:16,399
All right. We're about five minutes out.
Mo, you're up first.
235
00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:18,720
- Emma, you're next, and then Porter.
- Okay.
236
00:15:18,799 --> 00:15:19,840
All right, Mo. You ready to do this ?
237
00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:22,519
You know this.
Wu Tang, you know I'm ready.
238
00:15:23,799 --> 00:15:25,960
Porter, I'm gonna need to get you mic'd.
239
00:15:26,279 --> 00:15:29,759
That's exciting, man.
You're gonna close. That's huge.
240
00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:31,879
You're the headliner of the show.
241
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:34,440
You wanna come with me
over to sound ?
242
00:15:34,519 --> 00:15:36,159
Yeah. Of course.
243
00:15:37,279 --> 00:15:39,159
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
244
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,159
What is up, New York City ?
245
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,480
I have an amazing lineup
for you guys tonight
246
00:15:55,559 --> 00:15:57,679
of all my favorite up-and-coming
comedians.
247
00:15:57,759 --> 00:16:00,240
All right. I'm just gonna drop it down.
248
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:09,840
Do you remember that there was like
a rumor going around for awhile
249
00:16:09,919 --> 00:16:13,559
that men like strong women ?
250
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:17,200
No, they don't.
251
00:16:17,279 --> 00:16:19,399
Okay ? I've seen porn.
252
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:22,879
In porn there's literally
a menu on the side. It's like...
253
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:25,759
It's like girl on girl, college girls.
254
00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:28,759
There's no, like, CEO,
255
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:32,919
bitch who pays her taxes on time.
256
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:39,679
This is your dream, man.
This is... it's incredible.
257
00:16:47,639 --> 00:16:49,919
- All right. How's that feel ?
- It's great. It's great.
258
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:53,039
It's no different than anything
the government does to me every day.
259
00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:55,679
Okay. Well, you're set.
260
00:16:57,679 --> 00:17:00,519
This next comedian
is one of my favorite people.
261
00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:03,200
Why am I wearing a jacket ?
Why am I wearing a jacket like this ?
262
00:17:03,279 --> 00:17:06,839
I look like... I look like a guy
dressed as the penguin at the mall.
263
00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:08,839
Porter, you look great.
264
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:16,440
Is there... is there something weird
with my beard ?
265
00:17:17,599 --> 00:17:19,640
- What ?
- Does my beard look weird ?
266
00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:23,319
- Weird beard ? No. You're good.
- All right. I look good. I'm good.
267
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,160
- It's just a lot, I understand.
- Yeah.
268
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:28,559
It's stressful, but it's not the beard.
The beard's been with you...
269
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:31,200
- The beard is not weird.
- Yeah.
270
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:35,640
I mean, you could...
It's a little scraggly.
271
00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:38,599
- Should I trim it ?
- It couldn't hurt.
272
00:17:39,319 --> 00:17:41,039
I'm gonna trim it. There's gotta be
someone around here
273
00:17:41,119 --> 00:17:43,039
that can help me trim this, right ?
274
00:17:43,119 --> 00:17:44,079
Yeah.
275
00:17:44,799 --> 00:17:46,480
I really don't understand
what all the hate's about
276
00:17:46,559 --> 00:17:50,240
because Mohammad
is the most popular name in the world.
277
00:17:50,559 --> 00:17:52,440
You know what's frustrating
about that fact ?
278
00:17:52,519 --> 00:17:55,680
I can't find one keychain
with my name on it anywhere.
279
00:17:56,279 --> 00:17:59,799
And not one person has shared
a Coca-Cola with me in America.
280
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,519
I don't like to mess with beards.
I feel like beards are very personal.
281
00:18:04,599 --> 00:18:08,160
Let me do it. I just don't want
to look like the Wolf Man on camera.
282
00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:13,160
Ah, shit.
283
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:15,799
I'm just trying to like even it out now.
284
00:18:17,759 --> 00:18:19,799
Oh, my God. Oh, what did I do ?
285
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:23,440
- No, that's okay. That's a good start.
- I took a tablespoon out of it.
286
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:24,839
That's fine.
Let's just do it on the other side.
287
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:26,400
- I can even it out, yeah.
- Can you even this out ?
288
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,559
- I can even it out.
- Okay. Even it out, yeah.
289
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:29,799
Don't hide behind your beard,
you know ?
290
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:32,960
Oh, man. I didn't even know
how popular it was
291
00:18:33,039 --> 00:18:35,680
until I watched
the Egyptian soccer team.
292
00:18:36,079 --> 00:18:40,119
Yeah. They were showing a play-by-play
and the commentator comes on,
293
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:42,039
and he's like, "Mohammad has the ball.
294
00:18:42,119 --> 00:18:44,319
Mohammad pass
the ball to Mohammad.
295
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:46,759
Mohammad to Achmed.
Achmed to Hamed.
296
00:18:46,839 --> 00:18:49,680
Hamed to Mohammad.
Mohammad to Mohammad.
297
00:18:49,759 --> 00:18:52,119
Mohammad to Mohammad.
Mohammad to Mohammad.
298
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:56,000
Mohammad, Mohammad, Mohammad,
Mohammad, Mohammad."
299
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,640
- I look like I belong on Duck Dynasty.
- No.
300
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:07,400
- That's kinda cool.
- No, it's not. They're famously racist.
301
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:08,599
I can shave it a little more
302
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,799
if you wanted to just go a little more
on the other side.
303
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:11,799
Oh, fuck.
304
00:19:12,599 --> 00:19:14,680
Whitney Cummings.
305
00:19:17,599 --> 00:19:20,759
Oh, this looks great. This is how
everyone is wearing their beards now.
306
00:19:20,839 --> 00:19:23,640
Idiots do this.
An idiot would choose this.
307
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:25,599
Okay. Look, hey, she's trying.
308
00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:28,279
Who would go into a fucking barbershop
309
00:19:28,359 --> 00:19:31,640
and say,
hey, I wanna look all fucked up ?
310
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:34,880
- Why don't we do a goatee then ?
- You should just... yeah.
311
00:19:35,799 --> 00:19:37,000
I always used to go back and forth
312
00:19:37,079 --> 00:19:38,599
with when I would say
I was gay on stage,
313
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:40,480
because I wouldn't want
to make anyone uncomfortable,
314
00:19:40,559 --> 00:19:42,519
but I make a point to always do it
315
00:19:42,599 --> 00:19:44,839
because don't want any of you guys
sitting and wondering
316
00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:47,720
if I'm an awkward-looking straight girl.
You know what I mean ?
317
00:19:47,799 --> 00:19:49,519
Think how weird it would get in here
318
00:19:49,599 --> 00:19:52,759
if I was like, guys,
I'm having problems with men.
319
00:19:52,839 --> 00:19:55,519
You'd be like, yeah, I fucking hope so.
What the hell ?
320
00:19:58,839 --> 00:20:01,680
I didn't even have a fucking
chance to get my career started.
321
00:20:01,759 --> 00:20:03,680
You look like you sell vinyl.
It's a hot look.
322
00:20:03,759 --> 00:20:05,799
I look like I watch porn on laserdisc.
323
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:09,039
I look like I watch porn
after I'm done cumming.
324
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:11,279
- Mustache ?
- Do it.
325
00:20:11,799 --> 00:20:13,319
The first time I was ever with someone
326
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:16,079
that wanted me to hit them
in the face sexually,
327
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:18,960
I called my mom.
I left the situation, I called my mom.
328
00:20:19,039 --> 00:20:20,440
I said, "She wants me
to hit her in the face !"
329
00:20:20,519 --> 00:20:23,319
And my mom goes,
"Oh, on a Tuesday ?
330
00:20:25,279 --> 00:20:27,880
If that's what she wants on a Tuesday,
what'll happen on Friday ?
331
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:29,440
You get out there !"
332
00:20:33,279 --> 00:20:36,519
- I'm fucking freaking out here.
- I like it.
333
00:20:36,599 --> 00:20:38,960
I look like I have to announce
who I am to the neighborhood.
334
00:20:39,039 --> 00:20:42,480
Porter Harris to the stage, please.
You're on in five.
335
00:20:44,359 --> 00:20:46,359
I think you...
I think you should take it off.
336
00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:48,759
- You wanna take it off ?
- Yeah. Take it off.
337
00:20:48,839 --> 00:20:50,880
Get it off me ! Get it off me !
338
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:54,279
- This is your fault !
- What are you talking about ?
339
00:20:54,359 --> 00:20:57,039
Scraggly. You said my beard
is scraggly. People like scraggly.
340
00:20:57,119 --> 00:20:58,359
It's not supposed to be about the beard.
341
00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:01,119
It's supposed to be about the material,
not your facial hair.
342
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,519
Oh, okay. Oh, so you're shitting
on my material now
343
00:21:03,599 --> 00:21:05,160
before I go on national television.
344
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:08,480
- Are you fucking kidding me ?
- It's just not for me.
345
00:21:08,559 --> 00:21:10,759
Well, maybe that's why I'm here
and you're not here,
346
00:21:10,839 --> 00:21:12,720
because you don't have that edge,
all right ? Because you don't want it.
347
00:21:12,799 --> 00:21:14,839
It's not edge. I've never seen you
do a joke the same way twice.
348
00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:17,279
- Have you ever written anything down ?
- It's called being free.
349
00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:18,759
- That's not being free.
- I'm riffing.
350
00:21:18,839 --> 00:21:20,440
This is supposed
to be a reward for hard work.
351
00:21:20,519 --> 00:21:23,079
You're just fucking getting drunk
and sliding your way through.
352
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:25,480
Are you fucking kidding me ?
You're doing this to me right now ?
353
00:21:25,559 --> 00:21:28,680
A couple beard jokes aren't gonna make
or break what you do out there.
354
00:21:28,759 --> 00:21:32,079
You're a chump.
I shaved off my opener. Fuck !
355
00:21:32,799 --> 00:21:34,599
Come on, let's go. Let's go.
356
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:35,799
Porter !
357
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:38,640
... he just shined like a diamond
in the rough.
358
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:42,519
Kind of more like a diamond
covered in red pubes. You'll see.
359
00:21:42,599 --> 00:21:45,640
Please welcome Porter Harris !
360
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:03,480
Hey...
361
00:22:05,799 --> 00:22:08,119
Hey, New York City !
362
00:22:09,519 --> 00:22:10,839
Yeah.
363
00:22:13,319 --> 00:22:16,440
Uh, oh, man. I...
364
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,440
I just feel... I'm so uncomfortable.
365
00:22:19,519 --> 00:22:24,240
I had a beard like 30 minutes ago.
366
00:22:24,759 --> 00:22:27,880
And then my friend, a piece of shit,
367
00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:31,400
convinced me that I should shave it,
and I did.
368
00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:35,960
I shaved off my beard
before walking on stage just now.
369
00:22:36,359 --> 00:22:39,960
Uh, and I have two to four minutes
of beard material
370
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,960
that is now useless.
371
00:22:43,039 --> 00:22:48,519
So, should I still do it ?
Should I do my beard jokes ?
372
00:22:48,599 --> 00:22:50,759
Can you just imagine it ?
373
00:22:50,839 --> 00:22:53,319
It's not hard.
There's so many of me now.
374
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:56,799
I mean, I sort of looked
like a pedophile
375
00:22:56,880 --> 00:22:59,480
who makes locally sourced
artisanal candy.
376
00:22:59,559 --> 00:23:03,799
Now, I still kinda look like one,
but imagine if I had a beard,
377
00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:06,559
because then you're just like,
I can't see all of his lips.
378
00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:08,640
What do they do ?
They lick children.
379
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:10,319
And I'll tell you something else.
380
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:11,680
There were a lot of people
that were upset
381
00:23:11,759 --> 00:23:14,799
about that live action
"Beauty and the Beast" movie,
382
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,960
and not just because it sucked,
383
00:23:18,039 --> 00:23:23,160
but because it had a gay couple in it,
which I think is like weird
384
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:28,519
because the movie is about
an anemic British girl
385
00:23:28,599 --> 00:23:31,359
just getting gaped by a were-pit.
386
00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:33,880
Like it's literally just argh.
387
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,119
Thank you. Thank you so much. Argh.
388
00:23:36,599 --> 00:23:41,039
He's got one of those like bear penises
with the guard hairs on it, just argh.
389
00:23:44,519 --> 00:23:49,359
The clock's just watching,
his little minute hand sticking out.
390
00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:53,559
Little pervert clock.
All they do is watch.
391
00:24:05,759 --> 00:24:07,799
Shit, that's funny.
392
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:11,839
Thank you, guys.
That's my time.
393
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:15,400
Honestly, thank you so much.
Thank you. This is crazy.
394
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:22,680
How great is Porter Harris ?
395
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:30,079
That's a crazy feeling.
I feel like I'm on coke.
396
00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,640
Can you feel it ? That was incredible.
You did great.
397
00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:34,960
Yeah. And I got you
to thank for his, man.
398
00:24:35,039 --> 00:24:37,319
See, I told you. You're not funny
because of your beard, you know ?
399
00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:39,400
No. You said that I wasn't funny period.
400
00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:43,319
So I just went out there and I I had
to prove that you are an asshole,
401
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:45,640
and I did. You're an asshole.
402
00:24:47,839 --> 00:24:51,279
That was so good !
That was so, so, so good !
403
00:24:51,359 --> 00:24:54,599
- What did I tell you ?
- I know. I know.
404
00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:57,480
- It was so good.
- What did you tell him ?
405
00:24:58,559 --> 00:25:00,440
- I'm his friend Pete.
- Hi.
406
00:25:00,519 --> 00:25:02,440
- I'm a comedian.
- Okay.
407
00:25:02,519 --> 00:25:03,920
Hey, Porter, we gotta de-wire you.
408
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,119
Hey, thank you again.
I could skip.
409
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:09,240
Oh, my God.
He did so good. I knew it. I knew it.
410
00:25:09,319 --> 00:25:11,319
- So, so, so, so, so good.
- Oh, my God, so good.
411
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:15,240
So good. Yeah. I actually work
at the Boston where you saw him.
412
00:25:15,319 --> 00:25:17,839
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah. It's kinda my home club.
413
00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:20,440
Did you see me perform or just...
414
00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:23,920
I'm sorry to bug you, it's just,
I'd love some feedback.
415
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:28,480
No. I don't think I saw you.
I was in and out and I just phone and...
416
00:25:28,559 --> 00:25:29,960
- Oh, you got up during the show ?
- Yeah.
417
00:25:30,039 --> 00:25:31,359
I was like going back
and you know how it is...
418
00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:34,680
Did I go, "Madam, the bathroom
is that way." Did I do that ?
419
00:25:35,799 --> 00:25:39,000
You know, I have to go. Um,
just for the picture things, so...
420
00:25:39,079 --> 00:25:41,079
While I have you,
while I have you, sorry.
421
00:25:41,599 --> 00:25:46,200
Can you just... what was it about him ?
What made him stand out ?
422
00:25:46,279 --> 00:25:48,720
You know, he's just got this thing.
It's so cliche to say,
423
00:25:48,799 --> 00:25:52,160
but he's got this like star quality.
Some people are just born with it.
424
00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:54,680
Or maybe they get it later.
I don't know.
425
00:25:54,759 --> 00:25:57,559
I don't think so.
I don't think that's a thing.
426
00:25:57,640 --> 00:26:00,319
I think it's just an inherent thing.
One time my manager told me
427
00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:04,279
that stars are people that
everyone wants to be friends with.
428
00:26:04,359 --> 00:26:06,400
Does that make sense ?
You just want to be around them.
429
00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:10,119
So, anyway, I'm gonna...
430
00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:13,000
It was so nice to meet you.
I'll see you around.
431
00:26:13,559 --> 00:26:15,759
Hey, everybody ! All right.
432
00:27:01,039 --> 00:27:03,599
End of episode 4
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