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1
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,440
Hello.
2
00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:35,479
The toilet,
it was running all night,
3
00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:38,399
you might want to call a plumber.
4
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,359
CRASHING
5
00:00:45,439 --> 00:00:47,000
Series II, episode 3
6
00:00:56,679 --> 00:00:59,320
That jerk-off Ramirez
still doing mug shots ?
7
00:00:59,399 --> 00:01:03,719
It was a lady, like "Raising Arizona."
She hadn't seen it.
8
00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:06,640
- There's a surprise.
- It was classic.
9
00:01:07,239 --> 00:01:08,760
My God, man, look at you.
10
00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:11,680
You're eating like Elvis
with the lights off. Calm down.
11
00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:14,519
You know, they don't really
feed you in the can.
12
00:01:15,359 --> 00:01:16,599
- The can ?
- You know.
13
00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:19,000
Yeah, I know.
You weren't in the can, Pete.
14
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:21,680
You weren't exactly at Rikers Islands.
15
00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:23,719
You were in a holding cell
in a police station.
16
00:01:23,799 --> 00:01:26,000
That's like a Radisson
with cleaner sheets.
17
00:01:26,079 --> 00:01:28,920
There were not sheets, Artie.
It's rough in the joint.
18
00:01:29,879 --> 00:01:35,680
Listen. I appreciate you meeting me,
I really could use a place to, you know.
19
00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:37,959
- What ?
- I could use the couch.
20
00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:40,840
Artie, it's just a couple days,
just to settle myself.
21
00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:42,920
- It's what this whole thing was about.
- I knew it. I knew it.
22
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:46,000
You see I'm right about everything.
I told you this.
23
00:01:46,079 --> 00:01:48,599
I told you the couch is a one-time
sort of thing, all right ?
24
00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:51,040
I know. But I spent the night in jail.
25
00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:52,920
I slept on a bench.
It was like "Shawshank."
26
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:54,560
Honestly, you know what ?
Do this.
27
00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:57,480
I got a show tonight at The New School.
It's a thing I gotta do.
28
00:01:57,560 --> 00:01:59,400
Just come by,
and I'll sort you out, all right ?
29
00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:02,159
You'll enjoy it, actually.
This is something up your alley.
30
00:02:02,239 --> 00:02:04,040
- Thank you, Artie.
- All right. So let's just...
31
00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:06,840
Hey, sweetie. Check, right ?
32
00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:09,199
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
33
00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:10,400
Thank you, dollface.
34
00:02:10,479 --> 00:02:11,879
- Doll face ?
- Yeah, they love that.
35
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:14,879
- What, are you a Dick Tracy villain ?
- No, they secretly love that.
36
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:16,280
- They don't love that.
- Yes, they do.
37
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:33,800
Fuck this place.
38
00:02:42,919 --> 00:02:49,400
Hello. I think I'm on the guest list.
Holmes, like Sherlock... Pete.
39
00:02:51,479 --> 00:02:55,319
All I could think is I just want to grab
this guy by his tie over the counter
40
00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:59,080
and just keep repeatedly slamming
his head down on the counter.
41
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:03,039
But you can't do that because
you'll go to jail, but I thought it.
42
00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:05,599
So what you do,
is you take that to the stage.
43
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:07,639
And all you're doing
is talking about it,
44
00:03:07,719 --> 00:03:10,520
but the point is, is that everybody
has fucked up thoughts, all right ?
45
00:03:10,599 --> 00:03:13,360
I don't care who you are.
You just have fucked up thoughts.
46
00:03:13,439 --> 00:03:16,360
And all these people who try
and like police comedy are acting
47
00:03:16,439 --> 00:03:18,319
like they don't also
have these thoughts.
48
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,159
And the reality is,
if you really pay attention
49
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:22,400
to what you think on a moment
to moment basis,
50
00:03:22,479 --> 00:03:25,800
like if all your thoughts, every thought
that you had just this morning
51
00:03:25,879 --> 00:03:29,879
was broadcast on the Internet, would
any of you have a job on Monday ?
52
00:03:31,719 --> 00:03:33,639
Probably not.
But that's an interesting thought
53
00:03:33,719 --> 00:03:35,599
because I work on daytime TV now.
54
00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:39,960
Everything I say, I have to censor
what comes out of my fucking mouth.
55
00:03:40,039 --> 00:03:42,479
There you go.
Let it out, Joy, let it out.
56
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,039
But I'm gonna be honest with you.
Sometimes I do worry though,
57
00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:48,479
like, what the crowds
are gonna be like in ten years
58
00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:50,479
that we're gonna be
performing to, fight ?
59
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:54,199
Well, at least that I'm gonna
be performing to. Sorry, Artie.
60
00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:55,599
See, that's what I'm talking
about right there.
61
00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:59,120
- Obviously I'm just breaking his balls.
- Well...
62
00:03:59,199 --> 00:04:01,120
You can't hear the love underneath it ?
You know I fucking love you.
63
00:04:01,199 --> 00:04:04,439
I don't want you to die. Jesus Christ.
And if you do, please get cremated,
64
00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:07,080
because I don't want
to carry that fucking coffin.
65
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:10,080
Artie, weigh in on this.
Come on.
66
00:04:10,159 --> 00:04:12,719
I don't know.
People are way too uptight now.
67
00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:14,639
That happens a lot on the road.
Then you get the moan.
68
00:04:14,719 --> 00:04:17,319
I don't mind when a girl does it.
When a guy does it,
69
00:04:17,399 --> 00:04:19,160
I'm like, turn up the lights,
70
00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,720
I gotta see what guy just got
offended by something...
71
00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:24,879
A 25-year-old guy got offended
by something I said
72
00:04:24,959 --> 00:04:26,800
to the point where he goes...
73
00:04:26,879 --> 00:04:28,959
- What was it ?
- Well, no matter what it is.
74
00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:33,160
Like, I mean, when I was 25,
a comedian could not offend me.
75
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:36,959
They'd have to be beating
my mother with a salami on stage.
76
00:04:37,519 --> 00:04:39,360
You guys, listen, where's the line ?
77
00:04:39,439 --> 00:04:42,160
I don't think there is a line.
I mean it's an art form.
78
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:45,079
I would just... there you go,
one person agreed.
79
00:04:45,439 --> 00:04:49,240
Pharmaceutical companies can
hand out fucking opiates to everybody
80
00:04:49,319 --> 00:04:52,040
like they're handing out flyers
to some shitty jam band
81
00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:55,120
and get everybody hooked on heroin
and nobody has a problem with it.
82
00:04:55,199 --> 00:04:57,560
But you tell a Caitlyn Jenner
joke in a fucking strip mall
83
00:04:57,639 --> 00:04:59,560
and all of a sudden
people get offended.
84
00:04:59,639 --> 00:05:01,959
It's a good point.
He makes a good point, right ?
85
00:05:05,199 --> 00:05:06,319
This is really fun.
86
00:05:06,399 --> 00:05:10,000
This is actually the first,
like, sit down meal like this
87
00:05:10,079 --> 00:05:12,120
that I've had since I moved to
New York, so thank you.
88
00:05:12,199 --> 00:05:14,600
Moved ? Moved is a strong word.
89
00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:17,639
Shouldn't you move into place
before you use the word "move ?"
90
00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:19,079
So let me get this straight.
91
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:21,839
Your wife fucks another guy,
and then throws you out of the house,
92
00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,199
and you're still in contact
with that guy ?
93
00:05:24,279 --> 00:05:26,439
- Well, I...
- That's pretty accurate.
94
00:05:26,519 --> 00:05:29,480
- I know. It's a little weird, but...
- A little ?
95
00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:32,800
He's a hard guy to stay mad at, I guess.
96
00:05:32,879 --> 00:05:35,279
And plus, you know,
I'm not living with him anymore.
97
00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:37,759
- Dude, you lived with the guy ?
- Well, yeah.
98
00:05:37,839 --> 00:05:39,519
You should've beat
the fucking shit out of him.
99
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:42,319
Thank you. Finally somebody
understands what I'm talking about.
100
00:05:42,399 --> 00:05:44,920
He's making sense.
You should've beat the shit out...
101
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:47,720
Somewhere there should be a bloody
poncho in a porn shop right now.
102
00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:49,879
I'm eating a very nice steak.
Do we have to ruin it
103
00:05:49,959 --> 00:05:53,120
by talkin about the guy that I just
spent the night in jail because of ?
104
00:05:53,199 --> 00:05:54,959
I mean, think about the situation.
You're living with him.
105
00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:57,279
First you share a bed,
then you share the same woman.
106
00:05:57,360 --> 00:06:00,319
Now you're gonna share what,
some soap and a chore wheel ?
107
00:06:01,079 --> 00:06:02,600
I gotta smoke.
108
00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:08,120
I don't mean to be crabby,
it's just, you know,
109
00:06:08,199 --> 00:06:11,199
it's not my favorite thing to talk
about. You can understand.
110
00:06:11,279 --> 00:06:13,199
I'm not trying to like pry or anything,
111
00:06:13,279 --> 00:06:15,199
but how did you end up living
with your arch nemesis ?
112
00:06:15,279 --> 00:06:19,399
- I don't know anybody. My wife was...
- Please tell me this is like a scam.
113
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,639
Dude, I would be shitting
in that guy's bed every fucking night.
114
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:25,040
How his toothbrush
hasn't been up your ass is a mystery.
115
00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:26,680
- Please tell me you did that.
- No.
116
00:06:26,759 --> 00:06:28,639
- It'd be good for you.
- I'm not a revenge person.
117
00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:31,079
I'm a forgive person.
I'm trying to forgive.
118
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:33,199
It's not easy, but,
you know, with time...
119
00:06:33,279 --> 00:06:35,600
- Oh, my God.
- Forgive and be forgiven.
120
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:37,759
-Oh, my God, of course.
- What ?
121
00:06:37,839 --> 00:06:40,920
You're a Jesus freak.
You are, look at your hair.
122
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:44,240
Your hair wants to introduce me to
your Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
123
00:06:44,319 --> 00:06:46,959
Your fucking part wants to pray for me.
124
00:06:48,279 --> 00:06:50,519
- Can it ?
- Fuck no.
125
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:54,879
I don't like that Artie's smoking
in the middle of the meal now.
126
00:06:54,959 --> 00:06:57,879
That's a bad sign that you have to go
out for a smoke while you're eating.
127
00:06:57,959 --> 00:07:00,600
- Oh, yeah, he's gone.
- What do you mean ?
128
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:03,040
Artie'slike one of those
old country songs.
129
00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:06,560
Dude goes out for a pack of cigarettes
and doesn't come back.
130
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:08,680
- That's Artie.
- He's coming back.
131
00:07:08,759 --> 00:07:10,399
He's just smoking.
He said he's smoking.
132
00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:13,079
I'm telling you right now, he's halfway
to Atlantic City. He's not coming back.
133
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:15,000
I know what you're saying,
but he's doing better.
134
00:07:15,079 --> 00:07:18,120
I've been hanging out with him,
he's doing better and he's sober.
135
00:07:18,199 --> 00:07:21,480
- He's a sober person.
- What am I thinking ? Silly me, right ?
136
00:07:21,839 --> 00:07:24,680
- No, no. He'll be back.
- Okay.
137
00:07:30,519 --> 00:07:32,879
Shit. Shit.
138
00:07:33,839 --> 00:07:35,639
Come on.
139
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:41,720
Fuck !
140
00:07:44,319 --> 00:07:46,040
- He left.
- Told you.
141
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:50,680
It's 10:30, man. It's 10:30 at night.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
142
00:07:57,519 --> 00:08:02,199
- Fuck you, man. Come on.
- Really ? You don't mind ?
143
00:08:02,279 --> 00:08:03,879
Of course I fucking mind.
What am I gonna do ?
144
00:08:03,959 --> 00:08:06,000
You look like you'd get stabbed
in a Pizza Hut.
145
00:08:06,079 --> 00:08:08,959
Just try not fall down a manhole,
you fucking bumpkin.
146
00:08:25,079 --> 00:08:27,839
Oh, hey ! Look who's still up.
You guys partying ?
147
00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:30,680
Yeah. Just a couple party girls.
148
00:08:31,079 --> 00:08:34,000
- Look who's home.
- Oh, my little precious.
149
00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:37,879
Hey, this is Pete. Yeah, he's gonna
be staying with us tonight.
150
00:08:38,399 --> 00:08:41,759
- It's an honor to meet you, Mrs. Burr.
- Thank you.
151
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:46,000
So this is what you're doing now, huh ?
Bringing your drinking buddies home ?
152
00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:47,679
Yeah. No, he's a good guy.
He works clean.
153
00:08:47,759 --> 00:08:49,240
I'm not a heavy drinker.
154
00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:51,000
- I'm a nice person.
- Right.
155
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:54,039
- Hey, you run hot or cold ?
- I run cold.
156
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:55,919
Alright. Cold it is.
157
00:08:56,279 --> 00:08:59,039
- She's so precious. Oh, my God.
- Thank you.
158
00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:03,559
I don't want to... I know
you're trying to get her to sleep,
159
00:09:03,639 --> 00:09:06,000
but do you mind if I say hello ?
160
00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:07,159
Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah.
161
00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:08,759
- Just a little visit ?
- No, of course.
162
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:11,759
- Hi. Hi.
- Can you say hi ?
163
00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:18,279
It's like life itself.
164
00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:22,519
Don't... don't sniff my baby.
165
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:26,039
- Bill, he's sniffing the baby.
- Pete, don't be a fucking weirdo.
166
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:31,720
- Whoa, this is me ?
- This is you.
167
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:34,960
- Wow, thank you.
- Don't worry about it.
168
00:09:35,039 --> 00:09:38,440
I've been sleeping in a garage.
This is incredible.
169
00:09:38,519 --> 00:09:42,279
Well, you're gonna love this. This is
a top of the line pull-out couch here.
170
00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:45,279
No bar in the middle.
You're gonna sleep like a baby.
171
00:09:46,559 --> 00:09:49,320
Are you sure
Nia's okay with me staying here ?
172
00:09:49,399 --> 00:09:51,240
Dude, that's irrelevant.
173
00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:54,759
She fucking loves pillows, man,
can't even sit down.
174
00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:57,080
You know, I used to be married.
I didn't understand them,
175
00:09:57,159 --> 00:09:58,919
but then when I lived with a woman,
176
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:02,639
they really can provide
what's known as a splash of color.
177
00:10:05,039 --> 00:10:06,440
You know, there's so much stuff
that you say
178
00:10:06,519 --> 00:10:08,559
that I don't even know
how to respond to it.
179
00:10:08,639 --> 00:10:10,240
Because for some fucked-up reason
180
00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:11,960
on the way up here,
I was actually starting to think,
181
00:10:12,039 --> 00:10:13,919
like, you know, it's probably a good
thing that you're coming up here.
182
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:17,559
- I have no guy time.
- You wanna do guy stuff with me ?
183
00:10:17,639 --> 00:10:20,799
Yeah. Watch a game or something,
have a couple of pops.
184
00:10:21,279 --> 00:10:24,080
I'm not really a manly guy.
185
00:10:24,639 --> 00:10:27,039
My favorite part of the Super Bowl
is the fun dips.
186
00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:30,240
You don't understand.
You can't do this to me.
187
00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:33,320
Can you not be Pete
for just a couple of days ?
188
00:10:33,399 --> 00:10:35,480
Just pretend. Just treat it
like an acting exercise.
189
00:10:35,559 --> 00:10:38,399
Can you just fucking try to guy up ?
Just do something for me.
190
00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:40,159
- Sure.
- Can you do that for me ?
191
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,000
- Yeah. I'd love to try that.
- Okay, cool. All right.
192
00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:44,039
I love the Boston Red Sox,
193
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:47,120
They don't have a good
starting lineup this year, but I...
194
00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:51,399
- There you go.
- Oh, Jordon, best of all time.
195
00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:54,360
Babe Ruth,
but black and lean and jumpy.
196
00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:57,639
- Why do you always do that ?
- Am I ruining it ? Yeah.
197
00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:59,919
It was ruined.
I'm just trying to make it...
198
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:00,919
I'm sorry.
199
00:11:25,559 --> 00:11:29,399
- You ever play before ?
- No. I played mini golf a little bit.
200
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:31,639
- There you go. That's all you need.
- Right ?
201
00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:36,480
Yeah. This isn't really a sport.
It's just a game.
202
00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:40,279
What are you talking about ?
It's like in the Olympics and stuff.
203
00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:43,960
Dude, feel how comfortable
these clothes are. Look at this.
204
00:11:44,039 --> 00:11:46,440
You're not supposed to be able
to do this with pants on.
205
00:11:46,519 --> 00:11:47,919
Like these pants are so comfortable,
206
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,399
I keep having to look down
to make sure my dick isn't up.
207
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:52,600
It doesn't even feel like
I'm wearing clothes right now.
208
00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:56,679
You know why ? It's because so many
unathletic fat fucks play this game.
209
00:11:56,759 --> 00:11:59,759
Dude, the fact that everybody has
to shut up when you hit the ball ?
210
00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:03,279
There's nobody guarding you,
and everybody, oh, simmer down.
211
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:06,720
Simmer down, everybody,
he's gonna hit the ball.
212
00:12:06,799 --> 00:12:09,519
You ever watch somebody
take a free throw in basketball ?
213
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:12,879
There's like 5,000 people going
"Fuck you ! Fuck your mother !"
214
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:14,919
And this thing here,
it's not even moving.
215
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:17,360
Dude, they've changed the clubs.
These used to made out of wood.
216
00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:21,919
It was too heavy for them. Too heavy
for these cheating banker cunts right ?
217
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:25,840
There we go. So all you do is
you just... You don't look there.
218
00:12:25,919 --> 00:12:28,039
You just go like this,
and you go like that.
219
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:30,200
Look at that.
Jesus Christ.
220
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:34,039
That's how you play golf.
It's 'cause you were talking.
221
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:35,960
Sorry. All right.
222
00:12:36,039 --> 00:12:39,080
Now, just relax. Just relax.
This doesn't matter.
223
00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:43,840
That's all right !
Come on, roll, roll, roll, roll !
224
00:12:44,559 --> 00:12:46,320
- All right ! You take it to fucking...
- I hit it again there ?
225
00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:48,799
- That's great. You take the wedge out.
- All right. Do we get in the cart ?
226
00:12:48,879 --> 00:12:51,200
Well, you probably want to hit
that thing before we get out of here,
227
00:12:51,279 --> 00:12:53,600
but I'll drive you up to it.
I'll drive you up to it.
228
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:56,080
What was your family like ?
229
00:12:56,159 --> 00:12:59,240
Well, you know, always awkward
when there was a friend over.
230
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,159
Your parents don't know
you have a friend over
231
00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:02,840
and they start yelling,
and you're like...
232
00:13:02,919 --> 00:13:06,679
Oh, that was the worst !
And you gotta like make up an excuse.
233
00:13:07,399 --> 00:13:09,639
You get those few friends that
have watched your parents fight
234
00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:11,720
and you're like,
oh well, we're gold now.
235
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:14,600
- You know I'm from Boston ?
- Yeah.
236
00:13:14,679 --> 00:13:17,279
I know that blows my mind
'cause I don't hear the accent at all.
237
00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:20,960
What's your favorite Boston word ?
Mine's "baked stuffed lobster."
238
00:13:21,039 --> 00:13:25,240
Dude, every year for my birthday we go
to the last fucking Ground Round.
239
00:13:25,799 --> 00:13:28,679
The fucking pee is still on the floor.
240
00:13:29,799 --> 00:13:34,799
My aunt always get fucking shattered
and starts arguing with my mother.
241
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:38,759
- We're being fucking pricks right now.
- We're cutting through, cocksuckers !
242
00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:48,840
Hey, so how you enjoying
the single life ? It must be great.
243
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,159
Uh, you know, it's different. I'm...
244
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:57,200
- Yeah. You taggin' anybody out there ?
- You know, I've dipped my beak.
245
00:13:57,279 --> 00:14:00,279
Well, just please tell me
you're wearing a condom, man.
246
00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:02,799
Yes. I'm terrified of STDs.
247
00:14:02,879 --> 00:14:04,720
You don't want to knock anybody up
either, you know what I mean ?
248
00:14:04,799 --> 00:14:06,240
Pregnancy, yeah. I don't wanna...
249
00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:09,080
Because then you gotta deal
with the death of that shit, right ?
250
00:14:09,159 --> 00:14:12,480
Not that I'm against abortion
or anything, but like...
251
00:14:12,559 --> 00:14:14,440
Well, it's a complicated issue.
252
00:14:14,519 --> 00:14:18,879
It really isn't. You're aborting a life.
I'm not a fucking right-to-lifer,
253
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:21,159
but like for those people who fucking,
you have an abortion
254
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:23,600
and just sit there and say
they didn't kill somebody is bullshit.
255
00:14:23,679 --> 00:14:25,480
Because it's like, if you didn't do
what the fuck you did,
256
00:14:25,559 --> 00:14:26,639
there would be a kid.
257
00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:29,840
Just two white men on a golf course
discussing reproductive rights.
258
00:14:29,919 --> 00:14:31,000
No. Just own up to it.
259
00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:33,639
They're just saying because it doesn't
look a baby yet, it's not a baby.
260
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:35,320
It's like, well, let him finish.
261
00:14:35,399 --> 00:14:38,600
It's like cake batter.
It's like it's a tray of cake batter.
262
00:14:38,679 --> 00:14:40,440
Perfect. Exactly.
263
00:14:40,519 --> 00:14:43,000
Yeah ! And then they look at the batter
and go, well, that's not a cake.
264
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:45,399
This didn't ruin your birthday.
It's like, well, it was gonna be a cake.
265
00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:47,279
- If you left it in the oven...
- Exactly.
266
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:49,840
- Hey, can I use that ?
- Yeah, of course.
267
00:14:49,919 --> 00:14:52,120
That's cool ? You all right with that ?
I don't want to be weird.
268
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:54,919
- Please, I'd be honored. Yeah.
- All right, cool.
269
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,200
Where's your ball ?
270
00:14:56,279 --> 00:14:58,000
I didn't get it anywhere near the hole,
271
00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:01,159
which is why I shouldn't worry
about getting anyone pregnant.
272
00:15:02,919 --> 00:15:05,320
Like I was in the airport
the other day, right ?
273
00:15:05,399 --> 00:15:07,320
I'm sitting there waiting
for my flight to take my life,
274
00:15:07,399 --> 00:15:09,759
and watching this... watching this lady.
275
00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:12,120
She's eating Egg McMuffins,
like, plural.
276
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:16,000
It just like, three of them,
right down her throat like a pelican.
277
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:18,039
Like right down her gullet,
278
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:21,519
and when she was done,
she wiped her face with the bag.
279
00:15:22,399 --> 00:15:23,919
Yeah ! With the bag !
280
00:15:26,879 --> 00:15:30,759
One chocolate devotion.
Sounds like a Boyz II Men song.
281
00:15:31,559 --> 00:15:33,080
Enjoy.
282
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:39,120
- Hey ! What's up, man ?
- Hey.
283
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:43,519
This is a little weird. I've never
seen you outside of the Grisly Pear.
284
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:45,679
I've never seen you in the daylight.
Can I get you something ?
285
00:15:45,759 --> 00:15:46,919
I can hook you up.
286
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,679
No. Actually, I came here
to talk to you.
287
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:54,759
But also, yeah. Let me get a cookies
and cream and, uh, skittles.
288
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,279
Fruity creamy guy, huh ?
289
00:16:00,519 --> 00:16:02,039
Boom.
290
00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,559
So, uh, what's up ?
What's going on ?
291
00:16:06,639 --> 00:16:10,039
I want to talk to you
about representation.
292
00:16:10,559 --> 00:16:13,240
What do you mean ?
You're a manager ?
293
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:16,559
- Yeah. I represent comics.
- You think I'm funny ?
294
00:16:16,639 --> 00:16:19,600
I think you will be.
I notice things are starting to happen,
295
00:16:19,679 --> 00:16:21,919
and I just want you to know,
as your manager,
296
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,679
I'm entitled to 20 percent
of those things going forward.
297
00:16:24,759 --> 00:16:27,320
I'd love a manager.
I could use some help, obviously.
298
00:16:27,399 --> 00:16:29,639
I work in an ice cpeam shop.
I just actually heard
299
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:32,320
some of the guys were talking
about Colbert is looking for Writers.
300
00:16:32,399 --> 00:16:35,720
If we could submit,
I'd love to submit a submission.
301
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,279
- Yeah, we could submit.
- You know those guys ?
302
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:41,360
No, but I I'm good
at guessing emails, you know ?
303
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:44,360
You just kind of watch the credits,
take a crack at it.
304
00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:47,000
StephenColbert@Colbert.com.
305
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:49,720
You know, whoever the producer
is @Colbert.com.
306
00:16:49,799 --> 00:16:51,879
You try the Gmails, try the Yahoos.
307
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:55,120
You go back to Hotmail sometimes
if you need to.
308
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:59,600
Sometimes they just have a .me.
There's all sorts of websites out there.
309
00:17:00,639 --> 00:17:03,440
But could do that. I really need
somebody with connections
310
00:17:03,519 --> 00:17:05,680
that can kind of plug me in, you know ?
311
00:17:05,759 --> 00:17:08,440
Yeah. But aren't you...
Somebody told me you're opening
312
00:17:08,519 --> 00:17:10,960
for Nikki Glaser this summer,
22 cities ?
313
00:17:11,039 --> 00:17:13,880
- That's not me.
- That's not you ?
314
00:17:14,359 --> 00:17:16,240
No. But, I mean, I'd love to do
something like that.
315
00:17:16,319 --> 00:17:21,279
If you could get me out there opening
for someone or MC work, club work.
316
00:17:21,799 --> 00:17:23,720
So you didn't already book that ?
317
00:17:23,799 --> 00:17:27,400
No. They must have me confused
with somebody else.
318
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,640
Do you still want to my manager ?
319
00:17:38,359 --> 00:17:40,960
Mm, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'll do it.
320
00:17:41,039 --> 00:17:43,079
- That's great. That's great.
- Yeah.
321
00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:45,680
Hey, uh, that's on me.
You can have that.
322
00:17:45,759 --> 00:17:48,720
I know. This is your first check.
Later.
323
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:51,519
That's my manager. Show biz.
324
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:57,079
So I was working out in the
Midwest recently, you know,
325
00:17:57,160 --> 00:18:00,039
all the Jesus Freaks, all the Trump
supporters out there, you know ?
326
00:18:00,119 --> 00:18:02,839
Because he's gonna make it
great again, right ?
327
00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:06,920
He's gonna dig up the Native Americans
and kill them all over again.
328
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:10,960
Make sure my friend Cletus gets
that casino this time around.
329
00:18:11,039 --> 00:18:14,559
- He's really going for it, huh ?
- I'd say I think so.
330
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,799
He's blowing off a lot of steam,
I think.
331
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:22,119
He's got a kid , he's got a baby,
you know, family life. He's hilarious.
332
00:18:22,759 --> 00:18:24,640
- Who are you ?
- I'm Pete.
333
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:29,000
Boy, the pro-choice people annoy me
more than pro-life.
334
00:18:29,079 --> 00:18:31,519
I like pro-life people because I know
where I stand with them, right ?
335
00:18:31,599 --> 00:18:34,039
They're into Jesus.
They quote scripture.
336
00:18:34,119 --> 00:18:37,599
They have a strict white's only
dating policy, right ?
337
00:18:38,759 --> 00:18:40,640
Pro-choice, you know what annoys me.
338
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:42,720
If they would just admit that
they're killing a baby,
339
00:18:42,799 --> 00:18:46,200
I could get on board, because I'm big
on like, thinning out the heard.
340
00:18:46,279 --> 00:18:48,400
But that whole thing going,
"Oh, it's not a baby."
341
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:52,160
It's like, "Well, it would've been
if you didn't fucking do that."
342
00:18:53,759 --> 00:18:56,960
That's like you're making a cake
and there's a big bowl of batter
343
00:18:57,039 --> 00:18:59,119
and somebody just grabs it
and throws it in the trash.
344
00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:01,759
You're like
"Dude, you ruined by birthday cake."
345
00:19:01,839 --> 00:19:03,160
They're like,
"Well, that wasn't a birthday cake."
346
00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:06,880
It's like, 'Well, it would've been
if you fucking didn't throw it out."
347
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:11,240
A cake's life was ended
and somebody's birthday got ruined.
348
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:16,039
That's another fucked up thing too
is women get to decide too, right,
349
00:19:16,119 --> 00:19:18,440
who's gonna have the birthday,
who isn't, right ?
350
00:19:18,519 --> 00:19:22,680
"Oh, it's in my body." So what ?
I put the frosting on it, you know ?
351
00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:26,319
It's true. It's fucking true.
352
00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:29,720
You're gonna make the decision that
I gotta walk around with that death ?
353
00:19:29,799 --> 00:19:30,880
It's un-fucking real.
354
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,559
Then if you decide to keep it,
I also have to pay for it.
355
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:35,440
They get it coming and going.
356
00:19:35,519 --> 00:19:37,359
I don't what fucking women
are bitching about
357
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:39,559
because you get
you get to decide if babies live or die.
358
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,279
Isn't that enough for you ?
359
00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:46,240
I'm just doing this for the reaction.
You guys are too, oh my God !
360
00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:21,119
Bill Barr Rails Against Women's Right
to Choose in Offensive Rant
361
00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:30,759
Pro-choice people annoy me more than
pro-life with that whole thing going,
362
00:20:30,839 --> 00:20:33,160
"Oh, it's not a baby." It's like...
363
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:34,680
What ?
364
00:20:39,279 --> 00:20:41,039
Oh, my God. Shit !
365
00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:52,640
You know, you don't have to print
plane tickets anymore.
366
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:54,799
You can do it at the airport,
can put it on your phone.
367
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:56,559
- A bunch of different shit.
- Porter.
368
00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:57,960
What are you doing ?
369
00:20:59,279 --> 00:21:01,960
Why are you here ? Don't come here.
I don't like mixing my worlds.
370
00:21:02,039 --> 00:21:04,160
I'm sorry. You emailed me.
371
00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:05,720
- What ?
- The thing.
372
00:21:05,799 --> 00:21:08,240
Okay. So what, so you responded
to an email with a pop-in ?
373
00:21:08,319 --> 00:21:10,559
- What the fuck is wrong with you ?
- It was me.
374
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:11,839
- What do you mean ?
- It was me.
375
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:14,920
I shot the video at The Cellar.
I taped it. I put it on my Instagram.
376
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,599
They got it from my account.
377
00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:19,079
Dude ! What are you fucking
talking about ?
378
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:21,799
I know ! I need to scrub it.
You seem like you know stuff.
379
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,920
- Do you know how to scrub something?
- Scrub it ?
380
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:25,400
I can't have him know it was me.
381
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:28,599
I don't know anonymous. All right ?
Nobody knows anonymous.
382
00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:30,240
I can't scrub it from the Internet.
383
00:21:30,319 --> 00:21:33,279
Everything on the Internet
is permanent. It's digital herpes.
384
00:21:33,359 --> 00:21:36,000
You are fucked.
It's a career ender.
385
00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:40,559
- For me ?
- Maybe. For him, definitely.
386
00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:41,799
- You think so ?
- Yeah.
387
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:44,000
Women... that video upset women.
388
00:21:44,079 --> 00:21:47,400
Do you have any idea how many
women there are that buy tickets ?
389
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:48,799
Millions, all right ?
390
00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:50,559
What even made you think
of putting that up ?
391
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:52,599
He's been letting me stay with him...
392
00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:55,079
- You've been staying with Bill Burr ?
- Yeah. I know.
393
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:56,400
You've been at his house ?
394
00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:59,160
Uh... and he did a joke,
and I kind of riffed with him
395
00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:01,559
and then I wanted to film it
'cause I was proud that I helped !
396
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:04,279
Of all the people in the world
that you could've pissed off,
397
00:22:04,359 --> 00:22:09,319
Bill Burr is the worst.
He's out there... he's MMA.
398
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:11,119
He's involved with the MMA community.
399
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,359
He's friends with Joe Rogan.
He'll like Krav Maga you.
400
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:16,240
He's gonna like punch you in
the kidney and you'll die a week later.
401
00:22:16,319 --> 00:22:17,440
This isn't helping me.
402
00:22:17,519 --> 00:22:19,759
Okay. Well, you need to take
some heat off of this.
403
00:22:19,839 --> 00:22:22,480
Honestly, the last thing that you
want is for the last thing that you see
404
00:22:22,559 --> 00:22:24,799
just to be like an orange beard
and an ice pick,
405
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:27,200
and him just going,
"Dah-dah-dah-dahhh !"
406
00:22:28,039 --> 00:22:29,400
You're fucked.
407
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:39,480
- Hey, Pete !
- Oh, geez.
408
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:41,799
Where do you think you're going ?
409
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:45,839
I... you know, I, um, I , uh...
410
00:22:49,319 --> 00:22:52,440
Come here. There's something
I want to do with you.
411
00:22:54,279 --> 00:22:56,759
- Is something wrong or...
- No.
412
00:22:57,200 --> 00:23:00,359
Why ? Does something
look like it's wrong ?
413
00:23:01,519 --> 00:23:05,519
- I honestly can't tell.
- Just come. Come on.
414
00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:09,440
Okay.
415
00:23:25,039 --> 00:23:29,359
I fucking love these things, you know ?
It's the best.
416
00:23:30,079 --> 00:23:32,559
You know, everybody...
You gotta have your escape.
417
00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:35,839
Yeah. That was awesome.
418
00:23:56,279 --> 00:23:58,839
You know, I never have
anybody down here.
419
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,359
Yeah, I was really
looking forward to this.
420
00:24:05,079 --> 00:24:07,720
- It's nice.
- Yeah, a little hang time.
421
00:24:07,799 --> 00:24:10,720
- Savoring the moment.
- Yeah.
422
00:24:16,039 --> 00:24:19,440
I thought maybe you were,
I thought maybe you were mad,
423
00:24:19,839 --> 00:24:21,519
in a bad mood maybe.
424
00:24:21,599 --> 00:24:22,839
Why ?
425
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,799
I just thought maybe you saw
the article.
426
00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:28,480
- What, this shit on the Internet ?
- Yeah.
427
00:24:29,279 --> 00:24:32,839
You know what pissed me off ?
Is that somebody filmed my set.
428
00:24:33,279 --> 00:24:36,559
What kind of person does that ?
I was doing a new bit,
429
00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:39,279
and they only showed the first half
before I got to the point.
430
00:24:39,359 --> 00:24:40,359
Bill...
431
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:42,519
I would love to meet the asshole,
you know waht I mean ?
432
00:24:42,599 --> 00:24:44,640
Listens to deejay music,
lives at home with his mother.
433
00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:45,759
I'm sorry.
434
00:24:45,839 --> 00:24:47,759
Always doing the peace sign
with his stupid..
435
00:24:47,839 --> 00:24:50,839
You know, I filmed your set.
436
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:56,480
- What the fuck are you talking about ?
- Bill, I didn't put it on Jezebel...
437
00:24:56,559 --> 00:24:58,960
What do you mean ?
Wait, wait, you filmed it ?
438
00:24:59,039 --> 00:25:02,960
I was there. I just put it on
my Instagram. I have like 23 followers.
439
00:25:03,039 --> 00:25:06,319
- Pete, what the fuck, dude ?
- I was proud that...
440
00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:08,880
Dude, you filmed me and you're
just telling me that new, you asshole ?
441
00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:10,720
I deleted the post. It was too late.
442
00:25:10,799 --> 00:25:12,720
Somebody share it
and they found it and they put it...
443
00:25:12,799 --> 00:25:15,079
Pete, you put it on the fucking
Internet. Jesus Christ.
444
00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:17,880
- What'd you think was gonna happen ?
- I don't have a lot of followers.
445
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:19,519
I'm sorry. I was bragging.
446
00:25:19,599 --> 00:25:23,279
I was proud that I had helped you
with a joke. That was a big deal to me.
447
00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:27,480
Jesus Christ. This is like getting
mad at a fucking paperboy.
448
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:30,440
- I'm sorry,
- All right. All right. Relax.
449
00:25:30,519 --> 00:25:33,200
- I thought with your money...
- Pete, it's not that big a deal
450
00:25:33,279 --> 00:25:35,359
- Whatever I can do to make it right.
- It's not that big a deal.
451
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:37,200
... to make it right, I'll do it,
okay ? I'm sorry.
452
00:25:37,279 --> 00:25:40,200
Pete, it's not that big a deal, okay ?
I don't give a shit
453
00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:43,680
- You don't care ?
- No, I don't give a shit.
454
00:25:43,759 --> 00:25:45,359
Dude, it's all gonna blow over
in three days.
455
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:47,519
You know the Kardashians
will do something.
456
00:25:47,599 --> 00:25:51,440
Rihanna will start fucking
and blowing some guy in Formula 1.
457
00:25:51,519 --> 00:25:54,599
- Something will happen, right ?
- I thought you were mad at me.
458
00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:58,000
Oh, no. Believe me.
If I was mad at you, you'd know, okay ?
459
00:25:58,079 --> 00:26:01,359
I don't hold shit in the way you do.
You keep it bottled up, man.
460
00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:04,160
I packed up my stuff.
I was ready to go.
461
00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:08,160
Good ! Get the fuck outta here.
You gotta go back to your life.
462
00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:10,039
You're a perfectly good white guy.
463
00:26:10,119 --> 00:26:14,400
But you... I can't go back to Artie.
I can't go back to my roommate.
464
00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:17,319
- You know what you need to do ?
- What ?
465
00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:19,039
You need to go down there
and you need
466
00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:22,720
to tell that fucking cheating hippie
piece of shit what the fuck he is.
467
00:26:22,799 --> 00:26:25,240
You pull him down a flight of stairs
by his fucking ponytail
468
00:26:25,319 --> 00:26:26,720
and you need
to beat the shit out of him.
469
00:26:26,799 --> 00:26:29,720
- Why ? What does it accomplish ?
- Because it would make you feel better.
470
00:26:29,799 --> 00:26:32,799
It's literally... it's hurting you.
I can see it.
471
00:26:34,119 --> 00:26:36,640
- I could.
- You should.
472
00:26:37,119 --> 00:26:40,079
- I could, you know.
- Beat his fucking ass.
473
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:43,519
- Yeah, I could beat his ass.
- He fucked your wife.
474
00:26:43,599 --> 00:26:45,759
He... he fucked my wife.
475
00:26:46,119 --> 00:26:49,119
I'll go in there, knock on the door
and fucking punch him in the face.
476
00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:51,240
That's right.
Do you know how good you'd feel ?
477
00:26:51,319 --> 00:26:53,680
- I feel good just thinking about it.
- Good. What are you thinking about ?
478
00:26:53,759 --> 00:26:57,039
You fucking Rusted Root cover
band hippie dipshit. Fuck you !
479
00:26:57,119 --> 00:26:58,160
- There you go ! Let it out !
- Fuck you !
480
00:26:58,240 --> 00:26:59,279
- Louder.
- Fuck you !
481
00:26:59,359 --> 00:27:01,119
- Louder.
- Fuck that guy !
482
00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:05,279
Oh, my God, I'm so glad
you're not mad at me.
483
00:27:05,359 --> 00:27:10,400
I'm not. But seriously, dude,
you gotta get out of here. It's time.
484
00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:13,839
Yeah.
485
00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:48,000
Hey, buddy.
486
00:27:52,119 --> 00:27:54,680
End of episode 3
42861
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