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CRASHING
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Episode 7
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Hey, Schmitty. I was wondering.
I feel like it's going really well.
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00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:53,039
Is there any indication
on how my trial week has been ?
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00:00:53,119 --> 00:00:55,320
It's not up to me,
it's up to Rachael, okay ?
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00:00:55,399 --> 00:00:57,920
Has Rachael said anything,
good or bad ?
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00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:01,520
Rachael has no idea who you are,
and that is good.
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Schmitty. Classic.
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00:01:06,359 --> 00:01:08,599
That's a good laugh.
Laugh like that.
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That's amazing.
Now show me a seven !
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Six. Nine !
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Welcome to Rachael Ray. I hope I learn
how to cook something today.
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- And, Joe, how old are you ?
- I am thirty.
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- Thirty. Is that too old, Clemmie ?
- That's fine.
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My dad is goin' deaf. I don't know
if anybody here is hard of hearing.
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It's not like serious deaf.
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It's the kind of deaf you can
make fun of, just like dad deaf.
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But it's just stubbornness.
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I told him to get a hearing aid,
and he literally went,
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"What could you be saying ?"
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And then resumed watching
Jeopardy on a hundred.
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00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:55,519
Hi, enjoy your Spoonula.
You're a great crowd.
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00:01:55,599 --> 00:01:58,280
- You were hilarious.
- Oh my goodness, thank you so much.
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00:01:58,359 --> 00:02:01,640
- You were our favorite part.
- Oh my God, thank you.
25
00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:05,680
Thanks. Wow. Bye, ladies.
Thank you.
26
00:02:13,919 --> 00:02:15,039
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
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You're early. I like that.
Just setting up for you guys.
28
00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:20,560
Yeah, I was actually hoping
I could talk to you for a second.
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Sure, what's up ?
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It's actually good news.
I got a job, a TV job doin' uh, warm-up.
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00:02:26,199 --> 00:02:30,280
- Really ? Daily Show ? Tonight Show ?
- It's a daytime show. It's Rachael Ray.
32
00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:34,879
It's a little bit like late night,
but during the day, and there's cooking.
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00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:37,680
Hey, look. It's green money.
Good for you.
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00:02:37,759 --> 00:02:41,360
I was really hoping maybe that
would mean I don't have to, you know,
35
00:02:41,439 --> 00:02:43,840
hand out fliers
to get on stage anymore.
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00:02:43,919 --> 00:02:45,000
What ?
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00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:47,879
I got a TV credit. I thought maybe
I could go on earlier,
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00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,479
while the crowd is still here.
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00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:54,080
- Yeah, yeah. Nah.
- What do you mean, "Nah ?"
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00:02:54,159 --> 00:02:55,960
Pete, I'm happy
you're making housewives happy
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00:02:56,039 --> 00:02:58,199
throwing out candy bars
in between gazpacho recipes,
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00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:00,599
but this is stand-up.
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00:03:01,039 --> 00:03:02,919
You gotta pay your dues.
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00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:06,280
That's what I've been doing,
standing out on the corner
45
00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:10,879
handing out fliers for five hours
just to go on at the end of the night.
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00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:13,919
What about all the other guys that go on
before me that don't even have a credit.
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00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,840
I do two shows
before this club even opens.
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00:03:15,919 --> 00:03:17,360
- So ?
- I get paid.
49
00:03:17,439 --> 00:03:19,080
So ? All these other guys
that you're knocking
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00:03:19,159 --> 00:03:22,199
with your condescending tone,
they put in ten, twelve years.
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00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:25,439
They're grinding. They put
in their time, and they earn that stage.
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00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:29,319
You can't just skip to the front of line
because you got lucky with a job.
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00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:32,039
Hold on. You don't understand. I kill.
You should see me.
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00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:35,639
It's like regular, sober,
Midwestern people.
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00:03:35,719 --> 00:03:38,560
I'm like Gaffigan and Seinfeld.
I crush.
56
00:03:38,639 --> 00:03:43,319
Not some CBGB line-up of five
rock and roll comedians
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00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,520
talking about how hard it is
to find the G-spot.
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00:03:45,599 --> 00:03:49,159
- I get it. So you're better than us ?
- Vaginas are weird. Get over it.
59
00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:51,080
This is where the real work takes place,
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00:03:51,159 --> 00:03:54,439
not in some pastel-colored studio
with a lit-up applause sign.
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00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:57,280
I gave you the only teacher
you need right here.
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00:03:57,360 --> 00:04:00,840
Stop acting like you did me a favor.
I'm doing slave labor for you out there.
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00:04:00,919 --> 00:04:03,520
What is this, Nike ?
Fuck this. I don't need this.
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00:04:03,599 --> 00:04:06,400
Not so clean anymore, Pete ?
Don't tell Rachael Ray.
65
00:04:06,479 --> 00:04:07,840
People come in here to do coke.
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00:04:07,919 --> 00:04:09,960
You know what they go
to Rachael Ray for ?
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00:04:10,039 --> 00:04:12,319
For a Panini maker. That's why
they sit through the audience.
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00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:14,400
You're opening for a fuckin' sandwich.
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00:04:14,479 --> 00:04:17,160
You know what ?
I'm done barking for you.
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00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:18,759
You sandwich comic !
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00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:27,720
Some old lady on the street today
told me I look like Mark Wahlberg.
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00:04:28,399 --> 00:04:32,879
Now I just need to meet a young lady
who also has dementia.
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00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:34,759
Thanks, sweetie.
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00:04:35,439 --> 00:04:36,720
Pete, you're next.
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00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:39,439
Okay. Hey, would you mind,
when you bring me up,
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00:04:39,519 --> 00:04:42,759
would you tell everybody that
I'm the warm-up guy for Rachael Ray ?
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00:04:42,839 --> 00:04:45,240
Really ? A credit ? It's an open mic.
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00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:48,879
The audience gets a kick out of it
when they know you've done something.
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00:04:48,959 --> 00:04:50,439
Okay. Credit.
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00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:52,680
So worst advice I ever took
in my life was,
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00:04:52,759 --> 00:04:57,160
"Hey, man, it's probably bad coke.
Just do the whole bag."
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00:04:58,000 --> 00:04:59,800
Thank you very much.
83
00:05:02,519 --> 00:05:06,800
Matt Marano, everyone.
Representing USA. Alright.
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00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:09,480
We're gonna keep the comedy going.
85
00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,040
The next comedian coming to the stage
wants me to let you know
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00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:15,800
that he's the warm-up comedian
for the Rachael Ray Show.
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00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:19,240
Warm-up.
Where comedians go to die.
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00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:22,120
Pete Holmes, everyone.
Pete Holmes.
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00:05:25,439 --> 00:05:26,959
Thanks.
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00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:32,639
Forgot what I was gonna open with.
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00:05:33,399 --> 00:05:37,759
Yeah, you ever hail a cab just
to stop it from hitting you ? That's...
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00:05:38,279 --> 00:05:41,759
You know, just kidding.
I never know what to tell those guys.
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00:05:48,079 --> 00:05:50,600
Please stop.
Please stop fucking singing.
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00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,959
- It's how I relieve stress.
- It sounds unstable.
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00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:56,000
This is why you and I never got it on.
Because you don't get things.
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00:05:56,079 --> 00:05:58,360
- I missed my chance.
- Yeah.
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00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:00,439
- Hey, Pete !
- What's up ?
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00:06:00,519 --> 00:06:02,680
How you doin', man ?
Sit down. Sit.
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00:06:02,759 --> 00:06:04,480
- I can sit with you ?
- Of course.
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00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:06,680
Don't want to impose
on the comedians' table.
101
00:06:06,759 --> 00:06:10,079
Dude, I got the text.
I got to tell you... Tell 'em.
102
00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:12,720
- The gig ? Big news. Tell 'em.
- What ?
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00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:16,279
It's okay. I got a little thing, but...
I don't want to tell.
104
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:19,680
- A little thing ? Come on, tell 'em.
- I'm having a weird night.
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00:06:19,759 --> 00:06:23,720
Just look, it's not for me to share,
man, but he's gonna go through with it.
106
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:25,680
- The operation's Tuesday.
- Great.
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00:06:25,759 --> 00:06:28,120
Yes, I'm getting it.
I'm getting a sex change.
108
00:06:28,199 --> 00:06:30,879
- Hey, Artie. Dude, you're up.
Okay.
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00:06:30,959 --> 00:06:33,279
Fantastic. What'd you join, ISIS ?
110
00:06:34,399 --> 00:06:35,800
You gotta love Artie, man.
111
00:06:35,879 --> 00:06:39,439
He always looks like he just got
divorced, but he never was married.
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00:06:39,519 --> 00:06:42,839
Kill it. I'm gonna smoke a cigarette.
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00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:44,759
- What's up, man ? I'm Pete.
- Hey.
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00:06:44,839 --> 00:06:47,160
I think you're really funny,
and I love your stuff.
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00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,439
Oh, nice.
Well, hey, is this a wedding,
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'cause we're really shaking
a lot of hands.
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00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:53,959
I didn't know you were running for
office. There's a lot of handshaking.
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00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:55,959
- Pressing the flesh.
- Well, I'm gonna go smoke.
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00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:58,040
- Nice meeting you, Pete.
- Yes.
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00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:02,079
- Do you want to come ?
- Yeah. Let's smoke. I'd love to come.
121
00:07:02,959 --> 00:07:05,360
- See you, guys.
- Congrats again.
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00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:14,720
That's gross. Just something
about your puppet face
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00:07:15,319 --> 00:07:19,319
and your shiny lips and your crooning.
It's unsettling.
124
00:07:21,759 --> 00:07:23,079
Alright ?
125
00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:29,120
- Flavor country.
- Good, huh ?
126
00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:34,839
So I feel like I'm corrupting a minor.
You're not a big smoker, huh ?
127
00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:39,319
No, I smoke sometimes when I drink.
Sometimes I'll bum a smoke.
128
00:07:39,399 --> 00:07:42,519
And you don't really drink, huh ?
129
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:45,680
Not really.
I've been meaning to drink more.
130
00:07:45,759 --> 00:07:48,000
You know, you are a friend of Artie's.
131
00:07:48,079 --> 00:07:50,319
How come I've never seen you go up ?
Where do you work ?
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00:07:50,399 --> 00:07:55,279
Uh, the Boston is my... Was...
I was goin' up at the Boston a lot...
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00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:56,399
What happened ?
134
00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:59,519
Lately I've been focusing a lot
on my job.
135
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:00,959
- Oh, you got a job ?
- Day job.
136
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:03,639
The thing I got it's a warm-up gig.
137
00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:07,079
- It's uh, Rachael Ray.
- Hey, that's great.
138
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:10,399
- Really ?
- Yes. That's awesome, dude.
139
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:14,560
I thought it was, but everybody's
giving me a lot of grief.
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00:08:14,639 --> 00:08:17,399
You know, like it's not real comedy...
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00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,439
Aw, come on. Hey, listen.
I hate to break it to you,
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00:08:20,519 --> 00:08:23,399
but show business
doesn't get much better than that.
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00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:26,439
You're telling jokes. You're home
by noon. It's a win.
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00:08:26,519 --> 00:08:28,000
- Really ?
- Yeah.
145
00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:31,120
Thanks, man.
That means a lot.
146
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:34,600
You don't have to smoke
that if you don't want to.
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I didn't want to. I wanted to hang out,
'cause I respect you so much.
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00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:43,240
Thanks. If his warm-up doesn't work,
you can be a professional kiss ass.
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00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:46,200
I did real time, too.
150
00:08:46,279 --> 00:08:49,120
I did two months in L.A. County Jail
for possession of coke.
151
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:50,519
And I'll tell how to survive in jail.
152
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:53,679
You particularly.
You might want to go with this.
153
00:08:53,759 --> 00:08:55,000
First day, I go out to the yard,
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00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:58,759
find the biggest, baddest motherfucker
I could and I blew him.
155
00:08:59,399 --> 00:09:03,320
I gave the worst blow job
in the history of the blow job.
156
00:09:03,399 --> 00:09:07,519
I wanted it to get around the jail
that I gave a bad blow job.
157
00:09:08,039 --> 00:09:10,840
If gang members are talking about
your ability to give a blow job in jail,
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00:09:10,919 --> 00:09:12,639
here's how you want
that conversation to go.
159
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:17,120
"Do not let that motherfucker blow you."
"He sucks at it."
160
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:23,240
- Hey, good hangin', man. Yeah.
- That was fun man. Thanks.
161
00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:27,960
And good to see ya. You seem,
not good, but now less terrible, yeah ?
162
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,639
Yeah, I'm...
It feels pretty good, man.
163
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:33,519
Come to a taping any time.
164
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:36,799
- Seriously, when ?
- Are you... I was kidding.
165
00:09:36,879 --> 00:09:40,240
Unbelievable. I don't look like a guy
who could use recipes ?
166
00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:43,279
I love Rachael Ray.
And I could support you, too.
167
00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:45,720
Any time.
Good night, Artie.
168
00:09:45,799 --> 00:09:48,200
- Take care of yourself.
- Thank you.
169
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:58,360
Hi, ladies. Thank you.
Every day, Rachael Ray. Every day.
170
00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:01,600
Take one day off.
Enjoy your free magazine.
171
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:07,279
- Hello ?
- Hi, Pete. My name is Julie Brigante.
172
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:09,639
Do we know each other or...
173
00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:13,840
No. My husband works
with your wife. His name is Leif.
174
00:10:15,879 --> 00:10:18,799
I need to talk to you in person
right away.
175
00:10:21,159 --> 00:10:22,080
Sure.
176
00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:26,879
- Julie ?
- Yeah.
177
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:30,320
- Hi.
- Hi. Thanks for meeting me like this.
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00:10:30,799 --> 00:10:32,440
I couldn't talk about this
over the phone.
179
00:10:32,519 --> 00:10:36,279
Sure. Is... I'm at work,
so I only have a minute.
180
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,399
Is everything okay or...
181
00:10:40,279 --> 00:10:45,960
I have reason to believe
my husband is sleeping with your wife.
182
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:50,320
I know. I know,
I can tell you're shocked,
183
00:10:50,399 --> 00:10:52,840
and I'm sorry to have
to drop this news on you.
184
00:10:52,919 --> 00:10:54,879
I just had to tell you.
185
00:10:56,639 --> 00:10:58,159
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
186
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:01,279
- It's what you do, Pete.
- Thanks for telling me.
187
00:11:01,799 --> 00:11:03,799
She called me.
I've got to meet her again.
188
00:11:03,879 --> 00:11:06,879
She didn't know
about the whole situation.
189
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,440
- She thought I didn't know.
- Who gives a shit who knows ?
190
00:11:09,519 --> 00:11:11,840
She thought she was breaking
the news to me. I had to pretend.
191
00:11:11,919 --> 00:11:14,960
She made it sound like I was supposed
to activate the phone tree.
192
00:11:15,039 --> 00:11:17,799
Is that the protocol
that I'm supposed to tell the wife ?
193
00:11:17,879 --> 00:11:19,720
Of the guy that had sex with my wife ?
194
00:11:19,799 --> 00:11:21,279
I would have wanted to know
if I was her.
195
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:24,600
You were her. That's the point.
You were her, but in a different way.
196
00:11:24,679 --> 00:11:28,799
You were her, but you were watching
your wife get fucked from five ft away.
197
00:11:28,879 --> 00:11:32,279
You got no responsibility in this.
No ! Are you kidding me ?
198
00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:33,879
You got the raw end of that deal.
199
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,039
Thanks, man.
That make sure me feel better.
200
00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:37,519
Look at this, man.
Can you believe this ?
201
00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:40,159
How big is this ?
All this for makin' sandwiches.
202
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:42,559
I wish there was money
in eatin' sandwiches.
203
00:11:45,919 --> 00:11:51,159
Christ. You know, it's not every day
you gotta deliver news like that.
204
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:52,919
Sure, yeah.
205
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:56,679
I just had to tell ya.
How you holdin' up ?
206
00:11:57,440 --> 00:11:59,559
It's quite a blow you dealt me, but...
207
00:11:59,639 --> 00:12:02,480
Good, but you're resilient.
Yeah, you're like me.
208
00:12:02,559 --> 00:12:05,840
Something bad happens, you pull
yourself up by your fucking bootstraps.
209
00:12:05,919 --> 00:12:08,600
You just gotta man up. Am I right ?
Cheers.
210
00:12:08,679 --> 00:12:11,480
Bootstraps, go ahead.
I have a show in a couple hours.
211
00:12:11,559 --> 00:12:13,279
Don't make me drink alone.
212
00:12:14,399 --> 00:12:16,600
- All one ?
- Jesus.
213
00:12:20,759 --> 00:12:25,440
Oh, yeah. I think we can be
honest with each other, Pete.
214
00:12:25,519 --> 00:12:29,120
My marriage wasn't exactly fucking
perfect the last couple of years.
215
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:31,960
You guys must have been having
problems, too, huh ?
216
00:12:32,039 --> 00:12:35,759
- Were you...
- Yeah. You could barely feel the pulse.
217
00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:39,200
When we first got together,
218
00:12:39,279 --> 00:12:42,399
the amount of orgasms I had,
it was shattering.
219
00:12:42,879 --> 00:12:45,679
That's the only way
I could settle down at night.
220
00:12:45,759 --> 00:12:49,600
- Some people like tea and a book.
- At the end, once, twice a week.
221
00:12:49,679 --> 00:12:53,000
If that. All of the sudden, my powerful
personality emasculates him.
222
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:57,120
I mean, what man
doesn't feel like fucking ? Am I right ?
223
00:12:58,240 --> 00:12:59,960
It's crazy.
224
00:13:00,039 --> 00:13:01,240
What about you guys ?
225
00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:04,799
You were obviously having problems,
too. Was it sexual ?
226
00:13:04,879 --> 00:13:08,039
No. We had, you know,
I don't think it was sex.
227
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:09,840
Uh, I thought sushi.
228
00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:12,679
She always was like,
"You always want to eat sushi."
229
00:13:12,759 --> 00:13:15,879
She loved upstate.
I'm more of a city boy.
230
00:13:16,799 --> 00:13:19,840
What a fuckin' snooze.
Let me tell you somethin'.
231
00:13:19,919 --> 00:13:21,759
- I need your help.
- What ? Okay.
232
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:25,279
New York state law is very clear
that if we could prove infidelity,
233
00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:26,720
they get nothing.
234
00:13:26,799 --> 00:13:27,840
You want to...
235
00:13:27,919 --> 00:13:31,399
I've got to prove their infidelity.
I got a six million dollar fortune.
236
00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:32,639
Holy shit, really ?
237
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:35,600
So I need your help, Pete.
What are we gonna do ?
238
00:13:35,679 --> 00:13:36,720
What do you mean ?
239
00:13:36,799 --> 00:13:39,120
If you have a joint phone,
you can get the phone company
240
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:41,559
to release their records to you,
and then we have proof.
241
00:13:41,639 --> 00:13:43,240
And then they get nothing.
242
00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:46,600
- What about GPS ?
- Yeah, we have a GPS in the car.
243
00:13:46,679 --> 00:13:49,679
Why don't you fucking check it ?
Then you can tell where she went.
244
00:13:49,759 --> 00:13:53,679
Or maybe we just move on, you know ?
245
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,440
And what am I supposed to do ?
Start over ?
246
00:13:56,519 --> 00:13:59,480
What, am I gonna text strangers
pictures of my clam ?
247
00:13:59,559 --> 00:14:04,519
Maybe we just live well.
Isn't that a good... The best revenge ?
248
00:14:04,879 --> 00:14:08,120
Shouldn't we just let sleeping dogs
have an affair
249
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:11,360
and go off and be together
if they want to be together ?
250
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:13,600
Are you familiar with Shania Twain ?
251
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:16,320
Yeah. That Don't Impress on Me Much ?
252
00:14:16,399 --> 00:14:19,360
Yeah. She got cheated on,
and then you know what she did ?
253
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:20,440
What ?
254
00:14:20,519 --> 00:14:25,480
She slept with the man who was married
to the lady who stole her husband
255
00:14:25,559 --> 00:14:27,480
and broke up her marriage.
256
00:14:27,559 --> 00:14:30,279
And it wasn't just a one night stand,
Pete.
257
00:14:30,799 --> 00:14:32,720
They enjoyed the feeling.
258
00:14:33,559 --> 00:14:37,399
- Okay. Thank you for the drink.
- I don't want to be alone tonight.
259
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,799
- I'm gonna go.
- Meet me in the bathroom.
260
00:14:41,879 --> 00:14:44,399
- I'm gonna leave the door open.
- No.
261
00:14:45,799 --> 00:14:47,320
I'm going this way.
262
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:57,120
You know, I'm in my thirties.
This is a horny time for me.
263
00:14:57,200 --> 00:15:00,840
People don't tell women that
in your thirties, like your sex drive,
264
00:15:00,919 --> 00:15:04,919
that shit will have you lookin' at dudes
with like full face tattoos.
265
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:08,399
Good set.
266
00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:11,360
Thanks, man.
Yeah, they were good tonight.
267
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:14,600
You're gettin' better.
Glad I took a chance on you.
268
00:15:15,159 --> 00:15:16,960
Thanks. Sorry.
269
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:19,639
Who's that ?
270
00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:22,399
Just this woman.
Wants to have sex with me.
271
00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:24,159
That woman wants to fuck you ?
272
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:27,519
This is Shania Twain.
This is not the woman who's sending...
273
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:29,480
Oh God. Oh my God.
274
00:15:29,559 --> 00:15:32,960
- What is that ?
- Oh, that's a clam.
275
00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:36,679
- You gotta send a picture back.
- What ?
276
00:15:36,759 --> 00:15:38,279
If you get a picture of a clam,
277
00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:41,399
you have to send back a picture
of your man clam, or it's rude.
278
00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:45,320
Look, I'm not gonna send this woman
a dick pic. I barely know her.
279
00:15:45,399 --> 00:15:48,240
You don't have to use your own dick
for dick pics.
280
00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:50,759
You just Google a picture of a dick.
281
00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:52,840
Gotta make sure it looks enough
like your dick,
282
00:15:52,919 --> 00:15:55,200
because you don't want your dick pic
to write a check
283
00:15:55,279 --> 00:15:56,720
that your real dick can't cash.
284
00:15:56,799 --> 00:15:58,360
I got it.
285
00:15:58,759 --> 00:16:00,600
- You want to see the dick I use ?
- No.
286
00:16:00,679 --> 00:16:02,559
It might be able to work for both of us.
287
00:16:02,639 --> 00:16:05,960
I have a Indian friend who uses
a picture of my actual dick.
288
00:16:06,039 --> 00:16:07,519
I don't want to use your dick.
289
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:10,200
She's probably sittin' at home
wondering what's wrong with her clam.
290
00:16:10,279 --> 00:16:13,039
- Rude.
- I'm not sending a real or a fake dick.
291
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:15,200
I don't even to see this person again.
292
00:16:15,279 --> 00:16:17,159
A guy like you in a shirt like that,
293
00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:20,240
you shouldn't be turning down pussy,
is what I'm saying.
294
00:16:29,919 --> 00:16:32,679
- Hey, Pete.
- Geez ! The fuck, man ?!
295
00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:34,159
Hey, Pete. It's Leif, man.
296
00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:36,559
- God, you scared the shit of me !
- Okay, I'm sorry.
297
00:16:36,639 --> 00:16:38,679
How did you even know
where I were gonna be ?
298
00:16:38,759 --> 00:16:42,840
You tweeted about it like four times.
How was the show ? Was it okay ?
299
00:16:42,919 --> 00:16:45,080
What do you want ?
300
00:16:45,159 --> 00:16:48,440
I know that Julie and you
met today, and...
301
00:16:48,519 --> 00:16:50,799
I know. I am not talking
about that with you, okay ?
302
00:16:50,879 --> 00:16:54,080
Well, look,
it's just that I know she...
303
00:16:54,159 --> 00:16:58,080
I know she came and got to you,
and she's trying to get between us,
304
00:16:58,159 --> 00:17:00,360
so she can take what's rightfully mine.
305
00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:01,919
What are you talking about ?
You cheated on her.
306
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,319
Yes. But she emotionally
abandoned me first, man.
307
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:06,200
That's where the marital contract ended.
308
00:17:06,279 --> 00:17:09,480
She claims that she started this really
successful business all by herself,
309
00:17:09,559 --> 00:17:12,960
but I was the one at home,
I was the one tending to everything,
310
00:17:13,039 --> 00:17:16,279
making sure things were perfect,
loving her all the time.
311
00:17:16,359 --> 00:17:19,720
It didn't give me any chance to go out
and earn anything else.
312
00:17:19,799 --> 00:17:21,680
- So you think you deserve half ?
- Yes !
313
00:17:21,759 --> 00:17:25,240
- Half your wife's fortune ?
- Yes ! Like an NBA wife, yes.
314
00:17:25,319 --> 00:17:29,799
- I don't want to be involved, okay ?
- Hey, well, you are involved, Pete.
315
00:17:30,119 --> 00:17:34,400
I'm thinking about the future.
My future, Jess's future. We need it.
316
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:37,559
So what ? You want me to lie ?
I walked in on you.
317
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:41,240
I saw you having sex
with another woman ! My wife !
318
00:17:41,319 --> 00:17:43,599
Maybe you didn't, maybe you did.
319
00:17:44,519 --> 00:17:46,839
- What ?
- Maybe you did not.
320
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:50,200
Think about it, man.
321
00:17:50,279 --> 00:17:54,279
Protect the people you love.
This is Jess's money, too, man.
322
00:17:54,359 --> 00:17:55,680
- I don't want to...
- We need it.
323
00:17:55,759 --> 00:17:57,160
- Fuck off, okay ?
- Okay.
324
00:17:57,240 --> 00:18:00,200
I will fuck off,
but you gotta listen to your heart, man.
325
00:18:00,279 --> 00:18:03,119
I know it's in your body, but it's got
a little mouth. Listen to it.
326
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:08,359
I know you'll do the right thing, Pete.
I believe in you. I always have !
327
00:18:09,279 --> 00:18:11,519
I gotta tell you, I don't even think
I remember my prom,
328
00:18:11,599 --> 00:18:16,480
but I do remember that I did not find
a date until two days before the prom.
329
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,839
So I cut that kind of close.
330
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:22,519
My boyfriend at the time, well,
I thought he was taking me,
331
00:18:22,599 --> 00:18:25,440
and it turns out he was dating
someone else.
332
00:18:25,519 --> 00:18:27,799
- Yeah.
- Cheating on you on prom week ?
333
00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:32,680
Yeah. I ended up taking
the best date possible. Myself.
334
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:34,759
Yeah !
335
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:42,440
Thank you. It was defining, because I...
I was prom queen, you know ?
336
00:18:43,079 --> 00:18:45,880
Yeah, yeah. Or think I was
a runner-up or whatever,
337
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,119
but I just... I like had a blast.
338
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:50,759
I was with my friends,
and I was like, "You know what ?
339
00:18:50,839 --> 00:18:54,519
- I don't need a man to like have fun."
- That's right.
340
00:18:55,759 --> 00:18:57,440
Yeah, thank you ! Yay !
341
00:18:57,519 --> 00:18:59,799
Yeah, and you know what ?
342
00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:04,440
It's like you can cheat on me,
but you can't cheat on this !
343
00:19:08,319 --> 00:19:11,599
We'll be right back. I'll meet you
in the kitchen for my Macho Gazpacho.
344
00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:13,400
Thank you again, Vanessa.
345
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:18,119
Okay, there she is, everybody !
That was amazing !
346
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,559
We're clear, guys ! You can sit down !
347
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:23,319
- Wow, that was incredible, right ?
- Yeah.
348
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,680
That was moving. Very inspiring.
349
00:19:25,759 --> 00:19:29,000
I've never seen an audience give
so much love to a guest like that.
350
00:19:29,079 --> 00:19:31,960
That was incredible.
Wow, what a story.
351
00:19:32,039 --> 00:19:36,000
Anybody here ever been cheated on ?
I know it's kinda raw, right ?
352
00:19:36,079 --> 00:19:39,720
It's hard. I myself,
I was actually married,
353
00:19:39,799 --> 00:19:43,279
and I just walked in on my wife
having an affair.
354
00:19:44,359 --> 00:19:47,279
I know.
That's the correct response. Good.
355
00:19:48,079 --> 00:19:51,279
It was hard. It was rough.
The guy's name was Leif.
356
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:56,240
Yeah, that's real.
He's named after foliage.
357
00:19:57,079 --> 00:20:00,240
People drive to Vermont
to see him in the fall.
358
00:20:01,039 --> 00:20:05,640
And I walked in on my wife
being a real Leif-blower, you know...
359
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,119
Yeah, imagine how I felt.
360
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:12,720
It was terrible, but you know,
just like Vanessa, she didn't stop me.
361
00:20:12,799 --> 00:20:15,039
This is like, what, ten days later ?
362
00:20:15,119 --> 00:20:18,799
It's only a little bit later,
and here I am living my dream.
363
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:22,799
Show business ! Warmin' up you
wonderful people on Rachael Ray !
364
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:27,319
'Cause you can cheat on me,
but you can't stop this, right ?!
365
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:30,759
Right ? Yes, you're wonderful.
366
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:40,400
OK, I'm gettin' the signal that we need
to go right back, so big applause !
367
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:43,440
Big hand for her !
And we'll bring her back ! Up ! Up !
368
00:20:43,519 --> 00:20:45,079
Scream for the gazpacho !
369
00:20:45,599 --> 00:20:48,799
Alright, guys ! Welcome back.
As promised, I'm gonna show you...
370
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:50,319
What ? What are you doing here ?
371
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,759
You knew the entire time,
but didn't say anything to me ?
372
00:20:52,839 --> 00:20:55,640
- Shut up.
- Oh, do you want me to be quiet ?
373
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:57,880
Yes, I'm at my job.
I can't talk about this here.
374
00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,680
Oh, you're in it for the money.
375
00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:01,920
It's so obvious to me now.
You're doing it for my money.
376
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:03,759
- That is not true.
- Oh, it's not ?
377
00:21:03,839 --> 00:21:05,160
Then why don't you want to help me ?
378
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:07,920
You're very scary. I don't think
it's right to go after these people.
379
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,000
Let's just move on.
380
00:21:09,079 --> 00:21:11,279
Your wife was cheating with my
husband. You didn't say anything to me.
381
00:21:11,359 --> 00:21:14,359
Shut up. Listen.
I wanted to tell you. I just...
382
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,319
It was an awkward situation.
My wife had an affair.
383
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,720
I don't have to call the wife
of the guy she had sex with.
384
00:21:18,799 --> 00:21:20,680
Well, you're a monster
and you're a criminal.
385
00:21:20,759 --> 00:21:23,359
I'm not. Listen, I'm sorry.
We can figure this out. Please sit down.
386
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:25,319
I can't believe that I was fuck you.
387
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,279
So I'm gonna take a break
and zhuzh this up.
388
00:21:27,359 --> 00:21:30,319
We come back, I'll show you
the Margarita Shrimp. Come on back.
389
00:21:34,519 --> 00:21:36,799
Lot of applause ! Lot of applause !
Up ! Up ! Up ! Up !
390
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,279
Wasn't that great ?
391
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:42,680
Alright. We got the gazpacho.
392
00:21:42,759 --> 00:21:46,359
It's ready, and then we got
the enchilada recipe.
393
00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:51,440
Those are both gonna be available
at Rachael Ray, obviously, dot-com.
394
00:21:52,119 --> 00:21:55,079
So we just have a minute here.
Why don't I...
395
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:58,960
Who haven't I talked to...
Sorry. Sorry. I'm trippin'.
396
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:01,799
Oh ! I'm trippin', Boo !
397
00:22:02,599 --> 00:22:05,039
I'll stay down here where it's safe.
398
00:22:07,319 --> 00:22:10,119
How about you, Madam ?
Madam ? What's your name ?
399
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:13,720
- My name's Elsa.
- Elsa. Give it up for Elsa.
400
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:16,680
- Are you married ?
- We're talking a lot about marriage.
401
00:22:16,759 --> 00:22:22,039
- Yes, I am. Fifty-two years.
- Fifty-two big ones. Yeah ! Uh, great.
402
00:22:22,759 --> 00:22:26,160
What is the secret to a happy marriage,
would you say ?
403
00:22:26,559 --> 00:22:27,799
Love.
404
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:31,240
That's great. Yeah, you think...
We can clap for love.
405
00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:34,680
This guy's not clappin'.
You're not... Do you think it's love ?
406
00:22:34,759 --> 00:22:36,640
Yeah. And oral.
407
00:22:40,759 --> 00:22:46,039
Oral, huh ? That's not exactly
a Rachael Ray Show kind of joke, but...
408
00:22:46,119 --> 00:22:48,599
Look, they love it. They love it.
Eh, oral.
409
00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:52,200
Elsa, do you think oral is
that a part of a happy marriage ?
410
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:55,559
Everybody does it.
Sex ? Oral sex ?
411
00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:59,559
I've done it. They've done it.
You've definitely... You've done it.
412
00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:07,359
But I mean, even conservatively,
fifty-two years, once a month, that's...
413
00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:09,680
That's way too low.
At least once a week.
414
00:23:09,759 --> 00:23:11,920
Once a week ?
She says at least once a week,
415
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:15,480
sitting next to the happiest man
in America right there.
416
00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:19,880
So, okay, Elsa. Fifty-two weeks
in a year, fifty-two years.
417
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:23,359
- Fifty-two time fifty-two would be...
- Twenty-seven hundred.
418
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:30,720
Amazing ! So, you know,
freak out, but, Elsa,
419
00:23:30,799 --> 00:23:32,960
if their math checks out,
420
00:23:33,039 --> 00:23:38,920
you have given at least
two thousand seven hundred BJ's.
421
00:23:42,279 --> 00:23:43,960
How was I supposed to know
that was Rachael's mom ?
422
00:23:44,039 --> 00:23:46,480
You said you were a huge fan
of the show. She's on all the time.
423
00:23:46,559 --> 00:23:49,200
- Well, she brought it up.
- No, she did not bring up blow jobs.
424
00:23:49,279 --> 00:23:51,319
- Yes, she did.
- No, Pete. We have it on tape.
425
00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:52,559
Well, play back the tape,
426
00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,279
and you'll see a woman
that's obsessed with oral sex.
427
00:23:59,079 --> 00:24:00,640
You like comedy ?
428
00:24:03,599 --> 00:24:05,960
Great live comedy, guys.
Two for one.
429
00:24:06,039 --> 00:24:07,640
Two for one with the flier.
We got a great live...
430
00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:11,240
Come on, come on, come on.
Hug the gay. Jim Gaffigan, I get it.
431
00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:14,839
We got a great live comedy show !
Hey ! Great live comedy show !
432
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:17,920
Check it out, check it out !
Two for one ! Boston Comedy Club.
433
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:19,880
Hey, where we goin' ?
434
00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:27,880
CRASHING
435
00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:30,400
End of episode 7
37587
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