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1
00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:19,120
So, thanks again, guys.
This was a real life-saver.
2
00:00:19,679 --> 00:00:21,920
No need to mention it, dude.
Any time.
3
00:00:22,359 --> 00:00:25,519
No, I would have been homeless.
So you really saved me.
4
00:00:25,879 --> 00:00:29,160
Dude, listen. I'm sorry,
but like I'd have you stay longer,
5
00:00:29,239 --> 00:00:31,480
but my cousin's comin' to town.
You know how that is.
6
00:00:31,559 --> 00:00:33,840
Don't mention it.
Family first. I get it.
7
00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:35,640
- Peace out, man.
- Bye.
8
00:00:38,039 --> 00:00:40,240
- Every time.
- You're gonna miss that, aren't you ?
9
00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:43,479
- I am. I left my key on the tub.
- Thank you. See you, Pete.
10
00:00:55,159 --> 00:00:57,600
- Did he buy it ?
- I do not care.
11
00:01:00,359 --> 00:01:02,439
That guy sucks.
12
00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:08,799
CRASHING
Episode 6
13
00:01:13,319 --> 00:01:14,599
Hello ?
14
00:01:15,319 --> 00:01:17,159
- Artie ?
- Pete ?
15
00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:19,280
Hey. What's up, man ?
16
00:01:19,359 --> 00:01:21,560
Hey, what's goin' on with you, man ?
I haven't seen you since Albany.
17
00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:23,200
You were holding coke for me up there.
18
00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:28,200
I'm sorry, man. That woman
was gonna take you down a dark path.
19
00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:31,640
I had to intercept. I thwarted you.
20
00:01:32,359 --> 00:01:34,120
You thwarted me ?
21
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:37,760
Yeah, I'm sorry,
I thought maybe you're mad.
22
00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:39,760
Mad ? Are you kiddin' me ?
I'm proud o' ya.
23
00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:43,200
I mean, I thought you... Listen, she
was alright lookin'. Did you fuck her ?
24
00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:48,239
It was the craziest night of my life.
I got pepper-sprayed by that woman.
25
00:01:48,319 --> 00:01:49,840
Then we went back to her place,
26
00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:53,159
and she gave me cocaine,
and I pretended to do cocaine.
27
00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:59,400
Sorry, is someone else there ?
28
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:02,560
Okay, hold on.
Wait, you were pepper-sprayed,
29
00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:06,239
and then like how do you pretend
to do cocaine ?
30
00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:10,800
You hold the cocaine up to your face,
but you blow out instead of sucking in.
31
00:02:10,879 --> 00:02:11,919
Sorry, who is this ?
32
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:14,599
Well, listen man, you're on my podcast,
and that's Sarah Silverman.
33
00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:15,919
Hi, Peaches.
34
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:20,280
Artie, you...
Hi, Sarah. Big fan.
35
00:02:20,599 --> 00:02:23,120
I want to hear more about this story.
The is a good story.
36
00:02:23,199 --> 00:02:26,759
Yeah, yeah. Get over here, man.
We'll fuck around on the air.
37
00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:30,400
You want me to come on your podcast
with Sarah Silverman ?
38
00:02:30,879 --> 00:02:32,360
Yeah, yeah. Come on down.
39
00:02:32,439 --> 00:02:35,719
Sarah, if I just say that Wreck It Ralph
is maybe one of my favorite movies.
40
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:37,840
Definitely one of my favorite movies
of all time.
41
00:02:37,919 --> 00:02:39,479
Alright, whatever. Okay, great.
42
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:40,680
Hello ?
43
00:02:43,159 --> 00:02:45,599
I was already a comedian
when I lost my virginity.
44
00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:47,639
I was nineteen, but you know, it was...
45
00:02:47,719 --> 00:02:51,039
True story. I lost my virginity
to a Brazilian hooker
46
00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,319
in the back of my father's
handicapped van.
47
00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:56,000
No lie. It was in the parking lot
of a diner.
48
00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:57,120
Sounds so right.
49
00:02:57,199 --> 00:03:00,479
I miss her. I actually miss her.
Pete, have you lost your virginity yet ?
50
00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,800
- I have had sex with a woman, my wife.
- Your wife.
51
00:03:02,879 --> 00:03:04,680
On our wedding night.
That's when I lost my virginity.
52
00:03:04,759 --> 00:03:06,319
Your wedding night ?
You waited.
53
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:09,199
Yeah, well, yes, it's in the Bible
not to have sex before marriage.
54
00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:11,680
- It is ?
- So we would like dry hump and...
55
00:03:11,759 --> 00:03:15,240
- Oh my God, I miss dry humping.
- Me, too. I miss the third grade.
56
00:03:15,319 --> 00:03:18,879
Dry humping's romantic.
It's like a friction-based cum.
57
00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:21,560
Well, if you love dry humping,
58
00:03:21,639 --> 00:03:24,159
you'll be happy to know
that it's very big
59
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,120
in the Christian community,
well into your late twenties.
60
00:03:27,199 --> 00:03:28,800
Oh my God.
When I was six and seven
61
00:03:28,879 --> 00:03:32,240
I was so slutty with the furniture
and my mouth.
62
00:03:32,319 --> 00:03:34,800
It was like I felt guilty.
I thought it was like cheating
63
00:03:34,879 --> 00:03:37,919
with the corner of my bed
with the corner of the couch.
64
00:03:38,439 --> 00:03:43,000
I'm just saying, we were very
wait-'til-marriage people, and so...
65
00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:45,199
But that's just a loophole.
You're not supposed to have sex,
66
00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:48,439
and then you're just like grinding
and creaming your jeans.
67
00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:51,240
- Really, yeah.
- You think you're tricking God ?
68
00:03:51,319 --> 00:03:55,319
You better be cumming in your pants.
and not having sex.
69
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:57,560
- That is how absurd it is.
- That's important to me.
70
00:03:57,639 --> 00:03:58,639
Think about it.
71
00:03:58,719 --> 00:04:00,840
Sex is a special thing when you wait
72
00:04:00,919 --> 00:04:03,120
and you've only done it
with that person.
73
00:04:03,199 --> 00:04:05,400
You didn't have oral sex
before marriage ?
74
00:04:05,479 --> 00:04:09,680
Well, one time. But that's when
I knew we were gonna get married.
75
00:04:10,199 --> 00:04:12,639
- She gave me a blow job.
- Great.
76
00:04:12,719 --> 00:04:18,120
And instead of enjoying it,
I swear I was like, "Maybe August."
77
00:04:18,199 --> 00:04:19,519
- Maybe August for what ?
- That's so romantic.
78
00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,160
To get married. Because...
79
00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:23,319
You were thinking about centerpieces
while you were gettin' a blow job ?
80
00:04:23,399 --> 00:04:25,600
Yes ! It was like
an engagement blow job.
81
00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:28,199
You know what's a great blow job ?
A divorce blow job.
82
00:04:28,279 --> 00:04:30,000
- Really ?
- 'Cause it's not from your wife.
83
00:04:30,079 --> 00:04:31,360
Well...
84
00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:40,639
Great live comedy tonight, guys.
We've got a great live comedy show.
85
00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:43,120
Great live comedy. Great live comedy.
86
00:04:44,079 --> 00:04:46,240
Great live comedy tonight. Eight thirty.
87
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:52,720
Great live comedy. Hey, oh.
88
00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:55,639
- Hey, I know this guy.
- Sorry. I didn't...
89
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,839
- Obviously, I didn't recognize you.
- My friend, Pete.
90
00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,519
- Yeah. Podcast Pete.
- From just hours ago.
91
00:05:01,079 --> 00:05:03,560
- I'm honored. Nice to see you.
- What are you doin' ?
92
00:05:03,639 --> 00:05:07,040
I didn't recognize you. I'm handing out
fliers for the Boston. I'm barking.
93
00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:10,319
You're barking 'cause...
You got a job barkin'. That's good.
94
00:05:10,639 --> 00:05:15,199
Well, yeah. I do it for stage time.
If I get five people, they let me go on
95
00:05:15,279 --> 00:05:17,360
at the end of the night,
if anyone's still there.
96
00:05:17,439 --> 00:05:19,839
You don't have a job.
How do you make money ?
97
00:05:20,279 --> 00:05:23,680
Great live comedy, guys.
I'm kinda in between jobs right now.
98
00:05:23,759 --> 00:05:27,639
I'm flying below the radar,
staying on couches, you know.
99
00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:29,639
I eat a lot of free samples.
100
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:34,519
I eat seventy-five cent hot dogs,
and I get a lot of free toppings.
101
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,439
- Oh, you're homeless.
- What's that ?
102
00:05:36,519 --> 00:05:39,160
- You're homeless.
- No. No.
103
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,040
- Do you have a home ?
- No. But, you know...
104
00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:43,399
So you're homeless.
105
00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:46,680
Not all those who wander are lost,
you know ?
106
00:05:46,759 --> 00:05:48,839
- I stay on people's couches.
- Where are you staying tonight ?
107
00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:52,079
I don't have anything lined up
for today, but, after the show,
108
00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:55,079
I, you know,
send out little feelers and...
109
00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:58,399
"What neighborhood do you live in ?"
"Which train do you take ?"
110
00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:02,000
- And then, you know, I befriend them.
- I can't. It's so sad.
111
00:06:02,079 --> 00:06:05,000
And then at the end of the night,
I have a pillow.
112
00:06:06,279 --> 00:06:08,920
I feel like homeless people are...
113
00:06:09,839 --> 00:06:11,639
It's another category.
114
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:16,079
When you're done tonight, go here.
You can stay at my place.
115
00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,720
- What ? Really ?
- Yeah.
116
00:06:20,199 --> 00:06:25,079
Thank you. You know, I'm kind
of in a weird place emotionally.
117
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:28,120
I don't know if we should be staying...
118
00:06:28,199 --> 00:06:32,399
I'm not gonna fuck you. I am excited
that you have that much moxie.
119
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:34,519
Maybe you can get
your shit together after all.
120
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,279
- I misread the...
- Jesus Christ.
121
00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:38,680
Ask for Steve. He might fuck you.
122
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:43,560
Thank you, Sarah.
We got a place to stay.
123
00:06:43,639 --> 00:06:46,759
Great live comedy.
Come see me. One fifteen a.m. tonight.
124
00:06:47,519 --> 00:06:50,199
I think if birds knew how many
dumb names we call them,
125
00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:53,279
they'd take down
a lot more planes, right ?
126
00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:57,319
You just get all the birds together,
take out a bunch of planes.
127
00:06:57,399 --> 00:06:58,879
What is goin' on ?
128
00:06:58,959 --> 00:07:01,319
- Nobody showed up.
- Nobody ?
129
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:06,199
There was a guy here earlier but he saw
what was happening and he left.
130
00:07:07,199 --> 00:07:10,920
So what ? Do we just cancel
everything... No show ?
131
00:07:11,439 --> 00:07:15,519
Well, he's got a really funny new bit
that he's workin' out right now.
132
00:07:15,839 --> 00:07:18,519
Yeah, I barked for four hours.
Can I have this ?
133
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:23,639
Has anybody seen Mister Robot ?
134
00:07:25,399 --> 00:07:27,519
- Yes.
- Just say yes, so they think...
135
00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:32,399
I wish it was called Mrs. Robot and
it was about the maid from The Jetsons.
136
00:07:35,759 --> 00:07:37,720
That's gotta be fleshed out.
137
00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:55,600
Hello.
138
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,560
- Hello ?
- Hi. I'm sorry, is this Steve ?
139
00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:02,040
- Who's asking ?
- This is Pete.
140
00:08:03,319 --> 00:08:05,959
- Is that a question ?
- Uh, what ?
141
00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:07,720
You're asking me if your name is Pete ?
142
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:10,000
No, this is Pete.
Like I was being polite.
143
00:08:10,079 --> 00:08:11,079
Hi, Pete.
144
00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:15,120
Hi. I'm a friend of Sarah.
Well, not really a friend, but...
145
00:08:22,319 --> 00:08:26,519
So I stay upstairs in the guest room.
You can take the couch,
146
00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:29,120
because Dave's got sciatica
and sleeps on the floor.
147
00:08:29,199 --> 00:08:30,959
There's laundry downstairs.
148
00:08:31,399 --> 00:08:33,519
I'm assuming you're gonna want
to do that right away.
149
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:36,480
If there's anything in the dryer
of mine, you can fold it.
150
00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:39,240
- Hey, who's this ?
- Oh, Dave, this is...
151
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,159
- Hey, I'm Pete. Sarah's friend.
- Keith.
152
00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:42,960
- Did you bring a toothbrush ?
- What ?
153
00:08:43,039 --> 00:08:47,320
- Did you bring a toothbrush ?
- Yes. I have a toothbrush.
154
00:08:47,399 --> 00:08:50,279
Good, 'cause a lot of people come here.
They don't bring a toothbrush.
155
00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:53,440
Then I go in there, and I see
my toothbrush is a little amiss,
156
00:08:53,519 --> 00:08:55,720
but I can't be sure, so I touch it.
157
00:08:55,799 --> 00:08:58,159
It's damp to the touch,
and I'm still not sure.
158
00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:01,960
If you could leave yours on the counter,
it would really put me at ease.
159
00:09:02,039 --> 00:09:04,519
- Put it on the counter.
- I can do that.
160
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:07,279
So Sarah's letting you stay here, too ?
161
00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:09,000
Yeah, that's right.
162
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:11,679
Weren't you on her TV show ?
I mean, that...
163
00:09:11,759 --> 00:09:15,840
Yeah, that was like six years ago, man.
What happened to you ?
164
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:20,840
She feels bad. I'm going through
a divorce, so I'm floating around.
165
00:09:20,919 --> 00:09:23,919
- Alright. Do you have a nut allergy ?
- No.
166
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:26,679
Okay, 'cause we're about to make
PB- and-J's for the week.
167
00:09:26,759 --> 00:09:30,200
We go through them really fast.
Are you a white or a wheat guy ?
168
00:09:30,279 --> 00:09:32,519
Steve, we're out of white bread.
169
00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:36,799
- Fuck.
- Wheat's fine.
170
00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:39,240
- He's a wheat guy.
- Wheat it is !
171
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:51,480
They come in a note
that we got several years ago
172
00:09:51,559 --> 00:09:53,840
from a little boy only known by Jason.
173
00:09:53,919 --> 00:09:55,240
And he wrote with a crayon...
174
00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:57,720
"Thank you for the PJ's.
They're the first I've ever owned."
175
00:09:57,799 --> 00:10:01,279
All sizes of pajamas are needed,
but especially larger sizes...
176
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:05,840
... ten, twelve and fourteen.
Also, adult sizes for teenagers.
177
00:10:05,919 --> 00:10:09,000
For more information,
head to pajamaprogram-dot-org.
178
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,519
- Hey.
- Hey.
179
00:10:21,039 --> 00:10:23,159
- I made it.
- You made it.
180
00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:25,480
Oh my God, thank you so much for this.
181
00:10:25,559 --> 00:10:27,240
This is incredible.
Your house is amazing.
182
00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:29,799
- Isn't it fancy ? Hey, guys.
- 'Sup.
183
00:10:29,879 --> 00:10:31,799
Did you meet Steve and Davey boy ?
184
00:10:31,879 --> 00:10:33,879
Yup, they gave me the lay of the land.
185
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:36,639
Okay. What's your plan ?
186
00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:39,879
I don't really have a plan.
You want to watch a movie or...
187
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:43,120
No. You're welcome to stay here.
I just...
188
00:10:43,639 --> 00:10:46,919
If you're not working towards a plan,
I can't...
189
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:48,840
- You can't stay here. Because I just...
- Wait.
190
00:10:48,919 --> 00:10:51,759
I've already ruined Steve.
He's ruined, and...
191
00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:53,679
I can't have three of these.
192
00:10:53,759 --> 00:10:57,200
Oh, no. I have a plan.
I'm on a track. Good.
193
00:10:57,279 --> 00:11:00,240
I'm getting up every night,
doing a lot of stand-up.
194
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:01,960
I'm goin' at it hard.
195
00:11:02,039 --> 00:11:05,720
Great. But you make zero dollars
at stand-up.
196
00:11:06,039 --> 00:11:07,799
Yeah. That's not how I make my money.
197
00:11:07,879 --> 00:11:10,159
Oh, okay.
How do you make your money ?
198
00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:11,960
I was married, as you know.
199
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:15,360
So up until very recently,
my wife was supporting me,
200
00:11:15,799 --> 00:11:18,039
and, you know, I got married
when I was 22,
201
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:21,080
so for the first 22,
my mom supported me.
202
00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:27,080
So it was Mom, and then wife,
and now...
203
00:11:28,159 --> 00:11:33,360
How are you gonna afford
like a place to live ?
204
00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:38,879
Or a laptop ? Or insurance ?
Or like, be able to go to the dentist ?
205
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:42,799
You have to go to the dentist.
You have to floss every single day.
206
00:11:42,879 --> 00:11:45,200
- Really ?
- Death creeps in through the gums.
207
00:11:45,279 --> 00:11:48,639
I always thought that was a lie
started by big floss.
208
00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:54,960
- That's funny. You're an idiot.
- Yeah, no, that's...
209
00:11:55,039 --> 00:11:57,600
Those are the jokes I like.
I like clean, silly.
210
00:11:57,679 --> 00:11:59,320
I just want everyone to have fun time.
211
00:11:59,399 --> 00:12:01,440
You'd be a great warm-up.
What do you mean ?
212
00:12:01,519 --> 00:12:03,519
You should be a warm-up comedian.
213
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:05,720
What ? Is that like a... What ?
214
00:12:05,799 --> 00:12:08,600
Like you know how they shoot
all different shows in New York City ?
215
00:12:08,679 --> 00:12:12,039
- Some of them have live audiences.
- The guy that tells everyone to clap.
216
00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:15,120
Exactly. He's the comedian
that comes out, tells some jokes,
217
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,159
have dance contests with the audience.
218
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:20,039
Just anything to kind of entertain them
in between shots.
219
00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:21,200
- I could do that.
- Yes.
220
00:12:21,279 --> 00:12:23,120
I'm... Yeah, alright. They get paid ?
221
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:27,480
They get paid. It's so steady, and then
you can still do stand-up at night.
222
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:30,480
- Yeah, where do I sign ? I mean...
- I know.
223
00:12:30,559 --> 00:12:32,240
I would do that in a heartbeat.
224
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:34,480
I know a couple of TV shows
that shoot in the city.
225
00:12:34,559 --> 00:12:36,559
Hey, excuse me. I've lived here
for three months,
226
00:12:36,639 --> 00:12:39,320
and you haven't once tried
to get me a warm-up gig.
227
00:12:39,399 --> 00:12:42,799
That's right, Steve. And that's
because the one time I set you up
228
00:12:42,879 --> 00:12:45,519
with a meeting with a producer,
you tried to fuck her,
229
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,120
and it was super smarmy.
230
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:50,960
I didn't try to fuck her.
She tried to fuck me, and succeeded.
231
00:12:51,559 --> 00:12:54,039
She did have some big old titties.
Oh, yeah.
232
00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:58,279
This is a prison of my own design.
233
00:13:07,399 --> 00:13:09,039
I don't want to waste your time,
so I'll be direct.
234
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:11,240
We already have a warm-up guy,
but Sarah says you're funny,
235
00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:13,320
so it can't hurt to have you on call.
236
00:13:13,399 --> 00:13:16,080
- Like an understudy.
- Call it that if you want.
237
00:13:16,159 --> 00:13:18,039
I'm excited for whatever.
I'm a really big fan of the show.
238
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:20,639
Okay, a heads up. Our warm-up guy's
not gonna be happy you're here.
239
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:23,519
He's a little intense, so whatever
you do, don't tell him why you're here.
240
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:25,159
- What should I say ?
- Schmitty !
241
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:28,120
Could you please let me know if there
are disabled people in the audience ?
242
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:29,799
I can't keep going out there blind.
243
00:13:29,879 --> 00:13:33,000
If there's anything irregular about
the audience, you need to tell me.
244
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:34,600
- I can't not know these things !
- Okay.
245
00:13:34,679 --> 00:13:36,559
Would it kill you if...
You could tell me,
246
00:13:36,639 --> 00:13:39,519
"There are two rows of people
that don't speak fuckin' English !"
247
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,039
Or people in wheelchairs.
248
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:43,440
I'm tellin' people to get up and dance,
and they can't get up !
249
00:13:43,519 --> 00:13:44,519
Copy that.
250
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:46,559
You say that,
but you don't fuckin' copy anything !
251
00:13:46,639 --> 00:13:49,080
I want to see you write it down !
Copy this down !
252
00:13:49,159 --> 00:13:53,399
Tell me when there are people
in the crowd that have a disability !
253
00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:55,320
Or from fuckin' Spain !
254
00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:58,639
- What's this ?
- This is Pete.
255
00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:02,080
He'll be doing warm-up if you
ever have to miss a day. Fill him in.
256
00:14:02,679 --> 00:14:05,279
Miss a day ?
Does Rachael know about this ?
257
00:14:05,799 --> 00:14:10,960
Schmitty, is this coming from Rachael ?
Is this coming from Ray ?! Fuck !
258
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:13,679
How about a hand for the birthday girl ?
259
00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:17,679
- What's your name, sweetheart ?
- Gwen.
260
00:14:17,759 --> 00:14:20,480
Gwen. And you're twenty-nine
years old today.
261
00:14:20,559 --> 00:14:23,679
You look fantastic. What are you
gonna do on this special day ?
262
00:14:23,759 --> 00:14:25,559
Comin' to see Rachael Ray !
263
00:14:27,519 --> 00:14:29,159
Yeah, that's great.
264
00:14:30,879 --> 00:14:34,279
Okay, you're a beautiful crowd.
Now, we got a big studio here,
265
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:37,559
so I need you to fill it with your
and laughter and applause.
266
00:14:37,639 --> 00:14:40,240
Ready ? Three, two, one !
267
00:14:42,279 --> 00:14:47,399
Who likes KitKats, huh ? Yeah !
Who likes KitKats ? There you go !
268
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:51,840
Keep calm ! 'Cause ladies and
gentlemen, here she is ! Rachael Ray !
269
00:14:57,039 --> 00:15:00,399
Hi, everybody ! Oh, sit down !
Sit down, please.
270
00:15:01,759 --> 00:15:05,559
Fucking animals. "It's my birthday.
Going to see Rachael Ray."
271
00:15:05,639 --> 00:15:08,759
They give me nothing to work with.
You taking notes ?
272
00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:10,480
Yeah, I'm just writin' down some
of the things you say.
273
00:15:10,559 --> 00:15:14,320
Jesus, dude. Don't. You're starin'
at me, you're takin' notes.
274
00:15:14,399 --> 00:15:15,720
They offered you the job, right ?
275
00:15:15,799 --> 00:15:18,919
I swear, nobody said anything
about me taking your job.
276
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:22,759
I'm just gonna fill in if you're ever,
you know, sick or can't make it.
277
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:24,440
I'm training my own replacement.
278
00:15:24,519 --> 00:15:27,399
They're handing me a shovel
to dig my own grave.
279
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,320
I can't believe this.
280
00:15:29,399 --> 00:15:32,840
I promise. Nobody promised me
your job. I'm just here to observe.
281
00:15:32,919 --> 00:15:35,080
Maybe I'll do warm-up
for another show.
282
00:15:35,159 --> 00:15:37,399
Yeah, for another show.
And so you take my shit
283
00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:41,399
that I've been working on for years,
and you steal it and go to another show.
284
00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:43,879
Nobody owns, "Who's from far away ?"
285
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:48,840
Nobody owns, "Any birthdays here ?"
These are free, free for everyone.
286
00:15:48,919 --> 00:15:51,120
How did you get in here, really ?
How did you get in here ?
287
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,039
- I was referred by a friend.
- Who ?
288
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:54,679
- A comedian.
- Who ?
289
00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:57,919
- Sarah Silverman referred me.
- Sarah Silverman ?
290
00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,799
- I just met her.
- Holy God.
291
00:15:59,879 --> 00:16:02,480
These people are medieval.
They're squeezing me out of a job.
292
00:16:02,559 --> 00:16:05,639
No ! Sarah Silverman !
Oh, did Seinfeld drive you over here
293
00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:08,600
in one of his little fancy cars,
drinking coffee ?
294
00:16:09,159 --> 00:16:10,200
I get the reference, but no.
295
00:16:10,279 --> 00:16:13,720
I mean, if you don't fire me,
at least let me ass-fuckin' intern.
296
00:16:13,799 --> 00:16:16,320
That's unbelievable. This is bullshit !
297
00:16:16,399 --> 00:16:18,960
Hey ! Isn't she wonderful ?!
298
00:16:19,639 --> 00:16:22,960
Rachael Ray !
Tony, hit me with that beat, baby !
299
00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:26,120
Yeah ! Come on,
put your hands together.
300
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:28,960
Come on, let's moonwalk.
301
00:16:29,279 --> 00:16:32,840
And alright ! We are back, guys.
Big finish to the show today.
302
00:16:32,919 --> 00:16:35,639
My husband John is joining me
in the kitchen.
303
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:38,639
If you guys watch, then you know
what time that means it is.
304
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,360
- Time for you start drinkin'.
- Right. We're gonna make a cocktail...
305
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:44,679
Oh, sorry. Sorry, Rachael.
We're just having audio issues.
306
00:16:44,759 --> 00:16:47,159
If you can just go see Freddy.
It'll be five minutes.
307
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,360
I'm sorry, you guys.
We're gonna take a fiver.
308
00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:52,159
Honey, why don't you come with me.
We'll be right back !
309
00:16:53,759 --> 00:16:55,000
Five, maybe seven minutes.
310
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,000
- They have to rewire Rachael.
- Fuck !
311
00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:58,960
Okay, could you just calm down
and go do your job ?
312
00:16:59,039 --> 00:17:00,399
Excuse me ? Calm down ?
313
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:03,600
Schmitty, you've ridin' my ass
for two months, every since Rory left.
314
00:17:03,679 --> 00:17:05,799
- Then you bring in this motherfucker ?
- Can you just...
315
00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:09,640
- Watching me, taking notes.
- Take the fuckin' mic and do your job.
316
00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,559
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey.
317
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:24,759
Hey,we're havin' some little difficulty,
little technical problems.
318
00:17:24,839 --> 00:17:30,319
It'll be up in a minute, but I got
some coupons from Omaha Steaks.
319
00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:38,839
Yeah ? Yeah. Yeah, y'all want
to win some meat, don't ya ?
320
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:42,640
Yeah. Of course. Of course you do.
321
00:17:43,599 --> 00:17:46,200
That's all you care about. Prizes.
322
00:17:46,279 --> 00:17:49,039
"Let's get something.
Let's grab something.
323
00:17:49,119 --> 00:17:51,319
Throw me a fuckin' KitKat bar."
324
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:54,240
You're just like every other American.
325
00:17:54,319 --> 00:17:58,559
All they want is something to eat and
something to fuck and they're happy.
326
00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:01,400
Do you have any idea
what's goin' on in the world ?
327
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:05,200
Any idea ? ! "Nope !
"Just let me have my steak."
328
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:07,519
You just sit there
and flap your flippers
329
00:18:07,599 --> 00:18:10,640
every time you see the fish bucket,
you fuckin' morons !
330
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:12,960
Can we get security ?
Security, now, please.
331
00:18:13,039 --> 00:18:16,920
Look at you, sittin' on your asses,
standing in line at the Apple Store.
332
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:18,960
You know they're gonna have
the same product next week,
333
00:18:19,039 --> 00:18:21,599
but, no, you gotta have it now !
334
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:24,400
And by the way,
leave your children alone. Okay ?
335
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:27,440
Let 'em fuckin' fail.
They're not gonna peak at twelve !
336
00:18:27,519 --> 00:18:31,440
And stop takin' pictures with
your fuckin' iPhones ! That's bullshit.
337
00:18:31,519 --> 00:18:34,599
- Don't touch me, guys !
- Come on, get him outa here.
338
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:37,359
And you know I said that
you were a great audience ? I lied.
339
00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:39,559
- Come with us.
- You're a shitty audience.
340
00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:43,160
And, Gwen, nobody gives a fuck
about your birthday.
341
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:44,279
Let's go. Right now.
342
00:18:44,359 --> 00:18:47,960
Yeah ! What are you doin' here ?
Learning about secrets of cinnamon ?
343
00:18:48,039 --> 00:18:51,720
Go home ! Read a goddamn book !
Spend some time with your children.
344
00:18:52,519 --> 00:18:54,640
- Keep walkin'.
- Here you go, Schmitt.
345
00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:56,319
Fuck you, Dick.
346
00:18:57,519 --> 00:18:58,880
What did you say to him ?
347
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:00,640
I didn't say anything to him.
What are you talking about ?
348
00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:03,000
- Look, fix it. Go.
- Fix it ?
349
00:19:03,079 --> 00:19:06,559
- Go out there. Get them back.
- Okay.
350
00:19:09,759 --> 00:19:11,680
Hi. Hello.
351
00:19:14,359 --> 00:19:17,480
Hi, everyone. My name is Pete.
352
00:19:17,559 --> 00:19:19,920
I'm the I'm the other warm-up.
353
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:23,920
We have two here
at the Rachael Ray Show.
354
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:28,319
I feel like like
we can get over this together.
355
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:32,960
We can get over this.
The scary uncle has left.
356
00:19:35,119 --> 00:19:38,640
Uh, right ? God, what was that ?!
357
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:42,960
I feel like Dad just yelled at us
on the way to Disneyland.
358
00:19:43,319 --> 00:19:45,920
Need to shake it off.
That was terrifying !
359
00:19:46,319 --> 00:19:49,680
Did you see the vein in his neck ?
It was pulsing !
360
00:19:50,079 --> 00:19:52,359
If we could hook up
some jumper cables to that vein,
361
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:54,599
we could power Vancouver.
362
00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:57,759
We could... Let's dance or something.
You guys want to dance ?
363
00:19:57,839 --> 00:19:59,839
Tony ? Tony, can I get a beat ?!
364
00:20:00,839 --> 00:20:03,519
Okay. Gwen, let me get some people.
Will you dance with me ?
365
00:20:03,599 --> 00:20:05,519
Give her a round of applause,
everybody ! Come on !
366
00:20:05,599 --> 00:20:08,200
The bad man is gone !
We're gonna dance !
367
00:20:08,279 --> 00:20:09,960
Will you dance with us ?
368
00:20:10,039 --> 00:20:12,599
Yes, sir !
Please ! Get in there ! Get in there !
369
00:20:13,279 --> 00:20:15,880
Gwen, it's your birthday !
Give it up for Gwen !
370
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:18,359
Give it up for Gwen ! Okay !
371
00:20:19,319 --> 00:20:21,559
What do you think of this one ?
372
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:23,400
Pretty good ! Number two ?
373
00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:26,799
Pretty good !
What about the other three ?
374
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:30,000
Oh, okay ! What about Gwen ?
375
00:20:33,599 --> 00:20:36,720
Oh, that's great !
Everyone for Gwen !
376
00:20:38,279 --> 00:20:42,079
Now, was that an amazing send-up ?
Everybody stand up !
377
00:20:43,039 --> 00:20:44,880
- Shout, "Hey !"
- Hey !
378
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:46,559
- Shout "Ho !"
- Ho !
379
00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:48,920
- Say, "He was scary !"
- He was scary !
380
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,960
- "I'm glad he's gone !"
- Glad he's gone !
381
00:20:51,039 --> 00:20:52,759
- "Rachael Ray !"
- Rachael Ray !
382
00:20:52,839 --> 00:20:54,599
- "Rachael Ray !"
- Rachael Ray !
383
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:55,960
Yeah !
384
00:20:56,839 --> 00:20:59,799
Okay sit down ! Sit down !
Let's get some KitKats !
385
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:03,559
Where are the KitKats ? !
I'm in charge of the KitKats now !
386
00:21:06,359 --> 00:21:09,680
This shot actually makes me
motion sick.
387
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:13,400
- Hey.
- Hey.
388
00:21:14,119 --> 00:21:15,599
How'd it go ?
389
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:19,799
It was crazy. I got there,
they have a warm-up,
390
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:23,039
and then he loses his mind.
391
00:21:23,119 --> 00:21:25,319
He turned on everybody.
He flips out.
392
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:29,119
Schmitty gave me the mic
and was like, "Get out there."
393
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,599
- You did warm-up today ?
- I went out and did warm-up.
394
00:21:32,359 --> 00:21:33,799
They paid me for today.
395
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:36,319
They said I can come back
for like a trial week.
396
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:39,759
- You got it.
- But like, I mean... Yeah, I got it.
397
00:21:43,839 --> 00:21:47,480
Is this... You guys watching
Planet Earth, or is this Nova ?
398
00:21:48,279 --> 00:21:49,839
I feel like...
399
00:21:51,799 --> 00:21:55,880
You know what ? You only get a few
times to have that "I got it" moment,
400
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:58,000
and I feel like you kinda shit the bed
with this one.
401
00:21:58,079 --> 00:22:02,680
Like go out, come back in,
act like you didn't get it,
402
00:22:02,759 --> 00:22:06,039
and then the reveal "I got it."
403
00:22:06,119 --> 00:22:08,839
- Make it bigger. You know...
- Misdirect.
404
00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:11,359
- It's a missed opportunity.
- Okay.
405
00:22:12,319 --> 00:22:15,359
- Yeah. So sell it.
- Let's give the kid another shot.
406
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:26,240
I don't think Pete did well today.
I mean, he's never done it before.
407
00:22:26,799 --> 00:22:27,960
Feel bad for him.
408
00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:35,759
Hey, buddy. You okay ?
409
00:22:37,039 --> 00:22:41,720
I... I'm sorry.
You set that all up for me,
410
00:22:41,799 --> 00:22:45,839
and I know, Steve, you would have liked
that opportunity, and...
411
00:22:49,119 --> 00:22:50,400
And I got it.
412
00:22:51,079 --> 00:22:53,200
- Yeah !
- Oh my God ! Oh my God !
413
00:23:02,799 --> 00:23:06,319
I feel like fucking shit because
I went in there and I got it !
414
00:23:07,119 --> 00:23:08,400
Yeah !
415
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:12,680
My parents were right.
416
00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:15,519
I got it !
417
00:23:17,759 --> 00:23:21,559
I've been gettin' shit a long time,
and I've pretty much had it.
418
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:24,359
But today was the last day
I was gonna take it.
419
00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:27,720
'Cause I'm so glad I got it !
420
00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:49,039
- Hey.
- Hey.
421
00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,599
- Is this okay ?
- Yeah. Yeah.
422
00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:58,359
I'm just so happy.
I don't remember
423
00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:02,160
the last time I felt so good
and silly and fun and right.
424
00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:06,880
And I did something that I'm good at,
that like felt like me.
425
00:24:07,559 --> 00:24:09,680
I really owe you big time.
426
00:24:09,759 --> 00:24:12,799
Oh, my joy. You know what I think ?
What's that ?
427
00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:17,519
I think somebody earned a little
tootie-toot-a-loot on the weed pipe.
428
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:21,599
- I've never... I don't...
- You've never smoked pot ?
429
00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:25,680
Nno. I've never smoked... Yeah.
430
00:24:25,759 --> 00:24:28,440
Well, I don't want to push.
I wouldn't. Don't do it then.
431
00:24:28,519 --> 00:24:30,799
Unless you want me
to encourage you to.
432
00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:32,880
Okay, yeah. Talk me into it.
433
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:35,839
Just have a little.
What's the big deal ? Just have a puff.
434
00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:39,039
Celebrate.
You had a great day.
435
00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:40,839
What do I do ?
436
00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:45,200
Press the button. Suck it in.
437
00:24:45,279 --> 00:24:48,960
And then take it out
and suck in again, like a second time.
438
00:24:50,359 --> 00:24:51,839
That's enough.
439
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:54,519
My God, you just smoked pot.
440
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:58,200
- You just smoked pot.
- I think... Okay, thank you.
441
00:24:58,279 --> 00:25:00,079
Yeah. Put it down for a second.
442
00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:03,480
I feel like kind of weird
that I have something to tell you.
443
00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:07,720
I've never seen your...
I've never seen your stand-up.
444
00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:09,720
Oh, that's okay.
445
00:25:09,799 --> 00:25:13,200
I feel weird. I thought maybe
you'd be mad. I just...
446
00:25:13,279 --> 00:25:15,720
No, I don't care.
Now I can use my jokes
447
00:25:15,799 --> 00:25:19,240
like in conversation with you,
and you'll think I'm a genius.
448
00:25:19,839 --> 00:25:22,720
I love stand-up.
It's just don't know if you know.
449
00:25:23,079 --> 00:25:27,319
Remember I'm raised religious,
and our community...
450
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:29,839
- You make fun of Jesus.
- Who ?
451
00:25:31,359 --> 00:25:33,079
Jesus of Nazareth ?
452
00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:36,119
- So you're a God person.
- Yes, I'm a God person.
453
00:25:38,559 --> 00:25:40,319
- When does it work ?
- In seconds.
454
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:41,920
If you smoke too much,
you can't go back,
455
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:44,240
so just make it a treat,
just have a little puff.
456
00:25:44,319 --> 00:25:48,599
I feel like I'm floating in honey.
Is that what the buzz is about ?
457
00:25:49,079 --> 00:25:51,920
- That's the buzz.
- That's what all you guys are like...
458
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:56,200
Hey, put down the hacky sack.
I have something to tell you guys.
459
00:25:56,759 --> 00:26:00,400
After a while you stop needing
to talk about the high.
460
00:26:03,519 --> 00:26:05,160
Just like exist.
461
00:26:07,799 --> 00:26:09,559
Is that a weird laugh ?
462
00:26:12,119 --> 00:26:14,519
These are nice, man. I shouldn't
be sleeping on your couch.
463
00:26:14,599 --> 00:26:17,160
- I should sleep out here.
- Wait a minute.
464
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:19,400
- You can't sleep here tonight.
- What ?
465
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:22,720
You've got a job. You're making
hundreds of dollars a day.
466
00:26:22,799 --> 00:26:25,240
You've been sleeping on couches.
You really want to sleep tonight
467
00:26:25,319 --> 00:26:28,319
with your head on a pillow
filled with Steve's farts ?
468
00:26:29,039 --> 00:26:30,960
- No.
- Treat yourself.
469
00:26:31,359 --> 00:26:33,519
You're gonna thank me for this.
470
00:27:02,079 --> 00:27:04,799
End of episode 6
40173
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