All language subtitles for Crashing.S01E03.Yard.Sale.720p.HMAX.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

COMEDY

Ladies and gentlemen, T.J. Miller.

What's up, man ?

What's goin' on ?

How we all doin' tonight ?

You know, I have a prescription
for marijuana.

It's for anxiety, probably anxiety
about getting arrested for marijuana.

What is that ?
Sounds like fake toy microphone.

Here's somebody right here.
Let's give it up for this guy.

Let's give him a hand.

I said a hand.

I said a hand.

Are you okay, man ?

CRASHING
Episode 2

Thank you, Jennifer.

I hope you're doing great,
because you deserve to be doing great.

- You're a great person.
- Thank you.

- Can I ? Is it too much ?
- Okay.

Yeah !

Got you another one.

- I didn't want the first one.
- Yeah.

- Because it's morning time.
- Yeah. It's eleven a.m. somewhere.

Yeah, here.

No. How many days
have you been out on the road ?

That was my first road gig,
Actually ever.

I've never performed
outside of the city before.

- Really ?
- Yeah.

Oh God, that was the tail end
of it for me.

What do you mean ?

I've done twenty-four cities
in four weeks. You can imagine that ?

Twenty-four hour-long sets.

That's a full day of comedy
that I've been doing on the road.

- That's crazy.
- Well, it really fries you.

That's the thing,
is that when you're open micing,

it's like a party,
comedy every single night.

You're meeting the people that
you want to hang out with every week.

Those are your friends.

Then, as you become more successful,
you start having to do all of it alone.

When I bomb, there's no like shots
afterwards with all your friends.

- It's very lonely.
- So why do you do it ? I mean...

- 'Cause we have to, man.
- For money ?

No. We do it because
comedy's kind of a new religion.

You're traveling.
You're preaching to people

this ideology of seeing everything
with a smile, you know ?

People need it.

You think touring comedians
are like preachers ?

Yeah, exactly. Except we're better
than priests because we're not lying.

Hello.

- Hey. Uh, it's me.
- Peter ?

Where have you been ?
I've been trying to reach you.

Oh, I... Yeah, I've been trying
to reach you. I lost my phone.

Are you okay ?

No. Yeah.
Um, things are the same.

- So what's up ?
- I have a favor to ask.

I was wondering if you could come
over here and get some of your stuff.

You want me to get my stuff ?
Of course.

I'm sorry, but this is happening.
You know, I'm moving to Tampa.

I can't take all this stuff with me,
and I can't stay here.

Oh, well, I'm sorry our house is tainted
with memories of our love.

- That must be really hard for you.
- Pete, it is hard for me.

So if you could just come by tomorrow
morning, that would be great.

What ? Why ?

- I'm having a yard sale.
- What ?

I can't believe you would even think
about doing that without talking to me.

That's my stuff.

I've been trying to reach you,
but you never answer your phone.

Well, I don't have a phone
because I got mugged. Okay ?

- That's where you sent me.
- What are you talking about ?

- I got stabbed, Jess.
- Are you okay ?

What do you care ?
What are you selling the couch for ?

I don't know, like one fifty.

One fifty ? A hundred and...
Are you shitting me ?

Jess, that's not CB-two.
That's Crate and Barrel.

That's CB-one, okay ?
It came assembled.

Well, I don't want it, Pete.
I'm sorry.

You're sorry ? That's my stuff !
You can't just sell my stuff !

Don't touch my shit !

Jesus.

Imagine your husband
bought a gold necklace,

and come Christmas gave it to
somebody else.

I'm am so alone, a classic fool.

Yes, but you also made
a fool out of me.

You've made
the life I lead foolish, too.

Darling !

Darling !
Oh, you were wonderful.

Hey, good morning, little fella.

Get on up here !
Come on, you little coot !

What time is it ?
You'd think I'd know, right ?

Clock gag. All wrong.

Yeah, sort of.
I think what's actually wrong

is that human beings arbitrarily decided
on this system of time.

It's just a way for us to make sense
of this meaningless world.

A nihilist would say that once
we discard that meaning,

we can make our own meaning,
and then we become gods,

masters of our own time.

The concept is vaguely
Native American.

- Is this for me ?
- Yeah.

- You made this ?
- I even cut the toast.

Do you know the real time, though,
by any chance ?

Yeah, the clown clock is correct.
It's a little after nine.

- I gotta get goin'.
- What ?

I'm goin' upstate.

Just had... my wife, my ex-wife,
she's having a yard sale.

- She's selling my stuff.
- Your ex-wife is selling...

- My stuff.
- Your stuff ?

Yeah. I gotta get up there so I can
kinda create a me pile,

the stuff that I'm gonna claim as my own

and will continue into this chapter
of my life,

while she moves to Tampa
with her lover.

- You want any help with that ?
- What do you mean ?

Do you want me to come up there
with you ?

You want to come upstate with me ?

Yeah, sure.
I'm not gonna let you do it alone.

I mean, Jesus, that is so sad, the idea,
the picture of you loading

the belongings that your cheating wife
didn't sell, into your car.

That's some Tennessee Williams shit,
buddy. I gotta witness hat.

This is the life, man.

Green grass, picket fences,
birds that aren't pigeons. I mean...

You like this ?

I can see a world up here.
You know, you have a family, kids.

I'm doing too much comedy.

I need to go to like the Four Seasons
for a month, you know,

like rehab, but you can drink ?

I have the opposite problem.

My calendar's so empty, I open it up
and Siri asks me if I'm okay.

I am doing a show tonight, actually,
which is good,

'cause I'm gonna need to get outa here.

I'm doing a set at the Grisly Pear,
so look out.

- What's that shit ?
- You know, it's a mic.

But, you know,
as far as open mics go, it's cheaper.

You know, some of 'em
make you buy two drinks,

which is about like fourteen bucks,

but this is a two item open mic,
so you can save a little bread

because I get double pretzels,
which is only like seven fifty.

- Pete, I'm sorry your wife left you.
- Thanks.

Don't worry, I got your back. I'll say
some pretty shitty things to her.

Please don't do that.
Don't talk to my wife, please.

Nah, definitely gonna say
some shit to her.

- Pete, what are you doing here ?
- Hi, Jess.

What do you mean ? You told me
to come up. You're selling my...

- You're selling everything.
- I told you to come in the morning.

Well, I couldn't come in the morning.
I'm sorry I couldn't drop everything.

- This is very last minute.
- Ski poles ?! Shut the fuck up.

- What are you doing with T.J. Miller ?
- We're friends now.

Are you kidding me ? What,
you're selling my Super Nintendo ?

I found it in the attic. It's old.

This isn't old. This is an antique.

Okay, Pete, it's worthless, okay ?
I Googled it.

You can't get anything for that,
so who cares ?

- With games ?
- Yeah, no one wants this.

With Return of the Jedi ?

With a Super Nintendo,
that's double kitsch.

If I walked around Williamsburg
with this under my arm, I'd be accosted.

- Hi sweeties.
- Hi.

- Hello, Mrs. Potts. How are you ?
- Hi, how are you ?

- Oh, we're good.
- Yeah, are you two moving ?

No. No, no, no.
Uh, we're clearing out some clutter.

- Will you do five for the candles ?
- Yes, thank you.

Hold on. I'm sorry.
These are from Carlsbad Caverns.

So they're not just regular candles.

They're actually souvenirs of memories
and a time that we shared,

so they're actually
pretty important to me.

We had a horrible time there, so...

One of us had a great time. One of us
said she had low blood sugar,

and one of us said,
"You should go to the snack shop."

- Well, you know...
- They've been lit, see ?

Proof of concept. They work,
They illuminate, they smell great.

Fifteen, sorry.

How much for the dog ?

Oh, um, yeah. She's not for sale.

This is a yard sale. That dog's
in the yard, so I'll ask you once more.

How much for the dog ?

I'll give you twelve hundred cash.

All Things Grow With Love ?

You're selling
All Things Grow With Love ?

- What do you want me to say, Pete ?
- It's from our honeymoon.

I know, I'm sorry, but it's like
we have to part with the stuff.

It's a fresh start.

I stole this from Cape May
'cause you wanted it.

Well, do you want to keep that ?

No. Fine, give it away. Sell it.

Seriously ?

Brought chairs, you guys.
Case you want to take a load off.

What is he doing here ?

I didn't think I'd see you here,
brother.

Highly evolved. Good job, Pete.

You're still holding on to a lot, Peter.

This is exactly why I told you
to come in the morning,

so you wouldn't see each other.

Am I seriously the only one of the three
of us that doesn't want to broadcast

to the entire neighborhood
of people we know

that you had an affair ?

Mrs. Potts ? She loves us.

We love her, too.
The Fraimans, the Scotts.

Everyone's so great.
The community's so lovely.

Go tune a mandolin,
you fuckin' dickshit.

- Oh my God.
- I'm sorry.

It's okay. Let it out, Pete.
It's catharsis. Let it out.

Don't tell me to let it out while
I'm being mean to you.

Okay.

Is that what you think is missing
from your life ?

You made it this far
without seeing Scrubs.

Why cave now ?
Travel. Make love on the beach.

I don't know if it's oak exactly,
but if I can't tell, who's gonna know ?

Just tell people it's oak. It's oak.

I don't think it's oak. I'll do forty.

They're asking seventy-five.
It's probably oak.

Let's meet in the middle
and say sixty dollars.

- Forty.
- Forty ? Wait.

Come here. Come on.
Here, you see fine. Come over here.

This is my upstate New York family.
You guys seen Big Hero Six ?

What about How to Train Your Dragon ?

Here, take one with mine.
Gravity Falls ?

Yogi Bear Three-D ?

Gimme my camera back. I don't
wanna take a picture with these kids.

I'm actually selling a lot of stuff.
It's good.

Oh, good. I'm glad
it's going so swimmingly.

Guess what, guys ? I just sold
that dresser for thirty dollars.

- Nice.
- What dresser ?

The old gray thing with the scratches
and the knobs. I don't think it's oak.

- Our bedroom dresser ?
- I emptied it out.

You don't understand.
That's where I hid my journals.

Like my private journals. Did you see
journals when you cleaned ?

- No.
- I taped 'em in the drawer.

- Shit, man !
- I didn't see a journal.

Like composition notebooks.
That's like my work.

He drives a blue pickup truck.
I helped him load up.

Let's go. If we hurry, we can do it.

We're not gonna catch a man in a truck.

Peter, these are your journals.

These are the songbooks
of your heart, okay ?

Let's do this. Let's go find him.

- He smells like kombucha.
- Go !

Oh, great. It'll be an adventure
with your boyfriend.

- Here's the thirty dollars.
- Oh, good.

I love you.

So how are you holdin' up ?

Not great, Leif.
I don't know if you can tell

this is difficult to sell
everything I ever owned.

I hear you, Pete, but it's just stuff.

Man, you can't tether yourself
to possessions.

It's just tethering yourself
to the past.

Okay, yeah, I liked being tethered
to the past.

That was my home.
I liked living up here.

I liked being married.
I want to be tethered.

I hear birth pangs, man.

I hear the howling wolf mother
giving birth to change.

It scares you. I get it.

You realize this is a pursuit, right ?

It's better just to stop.
The gas gauge is wonky.

It'll tell me a half a tank, and then
all of a sudden I'm out of gas.

Brother, how's your dream, man ?
How's comedy goin' ?

- Leif, what do you care ?
- What do you mean ? I care a lot.

I actually looked up some of your clips
on YouTube, and I laughed my ass off.

- You've got an incredible talent.
- Great.

That's the one thing Jess and I always
disagreed on. I think you're hilarious.

Well, sorry if I don't just forgive you
for everything,

because you liked
a YouTube video of mine.

Yeah, I get it.

Which one did you see ?

The bit, I think, the thing that you did
about the doctors that have beards.

- "I don't trust doctors with beards."
- Yeah.

- "What are they hiding ?"
- Yeah.

You have a beard. I don't trust you.

Yeah ! See ?
That's what I'm talking about.

Man, your brain works like that.
You have a natural ability.

And your friend T.J.'s really funny too.
I hear him on satellite radio.

Yeah, he's funny. He's great.
He's amazing.

He's like really intense.
He's like pedal to the metal kinda.

Yeah, he's showbiz, man.
He's the real thing.

He can't turn it off.
He's not like a regular person.

Shit. Yeah, that's heavy.

You know, I know social morays
Should dictate that, you know,

I'm nice to you and pretend
like I like you, but I don't.

-I think what you did was really shitty.
- Excuse me ?

Pete's a good guy and actually
a pretty good comedian,

and instead of supporting that

'cause he's working so hard to achieve
your guys's dream of a better life,

you fucked somebody else in his bed,
who looks like he plays soccer.

Look, I don't know what Pete told you,
but I don't think you know anything

about the details
about why I did what I did.

I know that he's a comedian,
and what we do is noble.

- And you should have supported him.
- Comedy is noble ?

You get on stage and tell jokes
and make your whole life about you,

and everyone has to give you attention
and praise you all the time ?

I'm trying to make people happy.
What do you do ?

- I'm a teacher.
- Well, see then ? Then there you go !

Your entire profession is bullshit.

The only reason people listen to
teachers is because they have to.

- What grade you teach ?
- Third.

Yeah. There's a lot of kids
if you teach third grade

that are never going to remember you,
they'll never remember your name.

What was your third grade
teacher's name ?

- Mrs. Galendar.
- Oh. Fuck.

Can you not...

Hey, drive with your hands.
What happened to ten and two ?

- Drive with your hands !
- I am.

- Shit, dude ! Check it out !
- Pull over, pull over, pull over !

Sir ! Hi ! Hi !

- Hello, elder.
- Can I help you ?

Sorry. I think you were just
at my yard sale.

I sold you this chest of drawers
and, unbeknownst to me...

He didn't know there's a couple journals
inside of there that weren't for sale.

Thank you so much.

- There's journals in here ?
- Yeah.

- Well... Maybe I'll read 'em.
- Yeah.

No, it was a mistake.
We weren't trying to sell...

No, all sales are final.
It's like the Antiques Road Show.

People are always finding Civil War
letters in desks and bureaus and such.

Could be worth a lot of money.
Maybe I'll sell 'em.

You couldn't put my journals up
at Christie's.

They're valueless, except to me.
They're just joke ideas.

They're musings, little short essays.

- Oh, you're a comic ?
- I'm a comedian, yeah.

- Are you funny ?
- Very funny.

Hey, yeah.
I have fans, yeah.

- Like Jackie Leonard ?
- Jackie Leonard ?

Jackie Leonard. Hilarious.

- You don't know funny.
- I...

- You don't know funny.
- Well, see, that's the...

If you don't know who Jackie Leonard is,
you don't know funny.

Listen, can I please
have my journals back.

No, I'm sorry. They're mine now.

What are you gonna do with them ?

Are you gonna have an open mic
at the home ?

Are you trying to take advantage of me
'cause I'm old ?

I'm not trying to sell you a time share.
I'm trying to get what's mine back.

- Well, they're mine !
- Are you fucking kidding me ?

What you need to understand is that
comedians are the new philosophers.

You think you're a philosopher ?

Did Socrates ever talk
about his nut sweat ?

Did Plato ever talk about jerking off
into a trash can ?

I've had fans write me letters about
how my podcasts saved their life

after they split up with their wife,
so hopefully,

something that I do
will make someone like Pete,

who got totally fucked over by you,

be able to make it through their day
for the next six months,

instead of giving up on life entirely.

- These yours, amigo ?
- What ? Oh my God, what did you do ?

- Love wins, man. Love always wins.
- Oh my God, thank you.

Yeah. And I gave him
two hundred bucks.

- What ?
- I'm kinda regretting it.

No. Thank you, man !
This is good shit.

Listen to this.
"A reality show called Fakin' It,

where you have to pretend
to be a masseuse,

and, if at the end, they can tell you
were not a masseuse, you lose."

It was too much.

Had it for long time,
but I feel it's still in good condition.

Plus that's...
So I wouldn't worry about it.

Hold on. Jess.

Sorry. Excuse me, Miss.
Uh, this one's not for sale, sorry.

Jess, this is my mom's table from
college. She's had it for decades.

- She gave it to us.
- That is fucked up, Missy.

I told you to tell me what you wanted,

and you didn't come and do that,
so what do you want ?

I couldn't set this aside
because I was already out

looking for something else you sold
that I didn't approve.

I didn't approve this.

- What will you do with this table ?
- What does that supposed to mean ?

Where are you gonna put it ?
You're homeless.

Okay. You know what, fuck it.
Fifty-fifty, right ?

- Isn't that what divorce is ?
- Yeah.

- This'll be mine.
- What are you doing ?

- This is mine ! Alright ?
- Pete, stop.

This is yours.
I never liked that shit.

- Pete.
- Wicker.

This is mine !
This love seat's mine.

- T.J., can you help me ?
- Gladly.

I don't want any more mistakes.
This is my shit.

You have nowhere to put it, Pete.
Stop it. Come inside and talk to me.

I don't want to talk to you.
In fact...

Put it down. I don't want this.
I would rather set this shit on fire

before I let you continue
to disrespect our life !

- Yeah ! That's exactly right !
- Or he could buy all of this stuff.

We'll set it up across the street
at the Sullivans,

and you watch me have a yard sale
that breaks your heart !

Will you come inside and talk to me ?
Now !

I don't want any of this shit.

You want a hand, bro ? Here.

Big fan.

- Is this Leif ?
- You know who I am, too ?

- Can you try to be reasonable, please.
- Jess, I am being reasonable, okay ?

This is just a lot.
And you're doing it so easily.

- It's not easy !
- Doesn't this bother you ?!

Of course it bothers me, Peter.
This is so hard for me.

This was your idea, so you could go to
Florida with some pocket money !

I'm not using it to go Florida.
We're doing it for you, Pete.

What ?

We're giving you the money.
I don't want you to have nothing.

I'm... I feel bad enough as it is.

Shit, man.

That's the second nice thing
you guys have done for me today.

This is really a mind fuck,
you understand ?

What happened ?

Leif gave the guy two hundred dollars
to get these back.

- Two hundred dollars ? Geez.
- It was really nice of him.

- Well, he's a nice guy.
- Alright, let's not go nuts.

There's some good stuff in here.

Like this is when we went
to that place,

the fancy restaurant
with the huge wine cellar.

I didn't know any wine, so I got
Beringer White Zinfandel.

We had to present it and taste it and
it's like a four dollar bottle of wine.

Yeah.

These are good memories.
This is was our life.

March, twenty twelve.
Remember, I thought I was pregnant ?

Yeah. That was a really...
That was a hard week.

- It's two lines.
- What ?

Two lines about me
maybe having a baby,

and then the next three pages are about

how great Doug Stanhopew
as on Louie.

Okay, look. It's not... These are mine.
These are private journals.

I didn't want anyone else
to read them. Okay...

- I know.
- It was just for me.

- You love comedy.
- No, I cared...

- It's your big love.
- Jess, you're my big love.

Now, Pete, you have your thing.

I need my thing, and my thing
can't just be supporting your thing.

Anybody that does something
extraordinary

has someone in the shadows
taking it on the chin.

We're just taking shifts.

Pete, if I'd be able to support you more
if I were really in love with you.

Like if Leif wanted to do comedy,
I would support him.

When you're really in love with
somebody, you'll do anything for them.

I'm sorry. It sounds horrible.

Well...

That's really shitty, but okay.

Look. If I told you
we could get back together,

but you can't do comedy anymore,
would you do that ?

- No.
- No...

- Yeah ! This is for the comedy gods !
- Holy shit !

This is what it looks like when a man
moves on ! Moving on, yeah !

- T.J. !
- Oh my God !

- I got it, guys ! I got it ! I got it !
- Hey, no ! Hey, no, he doesn't !

All hail the comedy god !

These are the ashes from which you'll
rise as the phoenix of comedy. See ?

Pete ! You're movin' on ! Yeah !

You're free, Pete !
Yeah !

You know I did that for you, man.

Did you a solid.

That's one way to handle it.
That was a big swing.

What a grand ending
to your guys's union.

And also, Super Nintendo.

You that play
when we get home tonight ?

No. No, I don't.

Alright. Good to see ya.

So, men, don't worry.
I'm a comedian.

I know it looks like I should be selling
meth at a gay rodeo, but...

Yeah, this is my look.

You ever wear
somethin' once, and it gets you laid

and you just keep wearin' it ?

That's kind of how this happened.
Laid at a Brad Paisley concert.

- You're next.
- Okay.

And you can do five, but I want you
to like treat it like you're doin' four.

You're just a little rushed.

You think when I do five minutes
I feel rushed ?

Yeah, well, I see you trying to do five,

but people don't want
to see you trying to do five.

So just treat it like a four,
and then I'll give you five.

What's up, man ?

T.J., what... What is goin' on ?
What are you doin' here ?

You said that this is a good show.
Hey, I'm T.J.

But you said that you wanted
to take a break.

You want to go up ?

Welcome to the Grisly Pear, right ?
Is it Grisley Pear or Gristly ?

Do pears have animal fat in them ?
They do here ! At the Gristly Pear !

Now I have to follow this guy ?

He's gonna make you a better comic.
I'm grooming you.

I have a prescription for marijuana.
It's for anxiety.

Primarily anxiety about getting arrested
for marijuana.

I need a break. You know,
when I'm not workin', I'm workin'.

When I'm not working, I'm twerking.

ALL THINGS GROW WITH LOVE

End of episode 3