All language subtitles for Njambi McGrath African in New York-Almost Famous [2023] [1080p]

put your hands together for your

fantastic headliner the lady i
worked

with several hundred times put
your

hands together

oh my god this is like madonna's
house

at christmas i love it i love it
how you

guys doing

thank you so much guys for
coming uh my

name is jambi and this is a show
about

how my white friend charlene and
i

discovered that i was black

you would think that is
obvious

right

especially because i was born
and bred

in africa and i know that i'm an
african

woman and i'm not even carrying
a big

heavy load on my back

i left it over there with all
the other

misconceptions

but there comes a time in life
when an

incident from a very long time
ago

suddenly makes sense

so this is basically a journey
into my

blackness it is basically what
some

people like to call work i call
it

accidental coconut

that's where i am an accidental
coconut

so nelson mandela died and
africa is

looking for a new icon and i'm
feeling

the pressure

but he set the bar too high
right he

spent 27 years in prison for his
people

i ran away from my people

because you got to have that
special

something to be a freedom
fighter right

you got to have tunnel vision
i've got

to have a television

i don't even feed a stereotype i
can't

sing i can't dance i'm basically
a spice

girl

like if i was to join the spice
girls

today i'll be the one with
talent

spice girl's fans right there

so years ago when i was little
my

brother and i my father bought
us a

little pet dog and it was very
unusual

because in africa we we don't
keep pets

because it's very difficult to
love our

predators

and africa has very many
predators lions

crocodiles snakes buffalos the
white man

but um growing up in africa i
saw a lot

of violence watching tom and
jerry

because we had a tv and it was a
hd

highly disruptive

so my brother and i we took tons
chasing

the aerial

that's right that's why africans
are

such first runners

and this is it because people
are always

asking me why is it that
africans are

such first runners i say it's
our

fastest mode of transport

but the truth of the matter is
we're

always running away from
something

we're always running away from
hungry

wildlife angry tribesmen new
colonial

legacies

people after your clitoris

it's never ending

it's never ending

so my brother and i we loved our
tv we

had a little black and white tv
in the

corner we loved it we used to
watch a

lot of american shows we used to
watch

uh different strokes you
remember

different strokes different
strokes we

love different strokes different
strokes

was about about a white man in
the 80s

who adopted black children just
goes to

show how far rich white women
have come

that's right we used to watch
the cosby

show you remember the cosby show
oh my

god we love the cosby show
before we

knew

we loved oprah do you remember
oprah

everybody remembers oprah we
loved oprah

but you know when you watch
oprah in

africa it makes no sense

like a group of africans who'd
be

gathered around the tv and oprah
will be

on and oprah will be saying
things like

look into your wife's eyes

and tell her she's the most
important

person in the world and the
africans

will be going which wife

because of course an african man
can

marry four wives in one go you
guys

would rather do it in succession

we call it polygamy you call it

bankruptcy

and before an african man can
marry a

wife he has to pay dowry so pay
up from

for the marriage

you guys would rather pay at the
end

but you know when you pay up
front it's

like booking a holiday
everything seems

amazing you're flicking through
the

brochure it seems amazing sex on
top

i'll take it

amazing cooking i'll take it

she will simply take your breath
away

but when you pay at the end
you've been

through that holiday

and when she said you take your
breath

away you didn't realize it was
with a

pillow

and the only friend you have in
the

whole wide world is a liar

i mean a lawyer

so my brother and i we loved our
tv you

know we loved our tv a nice
little black

and white tv but occasionally my
father

used to buy a sausages for a
treat

that's right sausages for a
treat and

like white people are looking at
me

thinking that's not a very nice
treat it

was for us because before white
people

came to africa most of africa
was vegan

that's right

that's right we were hip before
hip

right so for us sausages was
such a

treat my father would buy us the

sausages who are called farmer's
choice

sausages my mother would fry
them on the

pan she would give us one age
with my

brother we would run to the back
of our

house we'll be sat at the back
of our

house nibbling onto our sausages
they

were so delicious we never
wanted them

to end but you see my brother
had the

inside to leave a little bit of
his

sausage and bury it in the
garden

in the hope that one day he
would have a

nice big tree

full of sausages

but i never had the same
discipline as

my brother you see i ate all my
sausage

and i prayed that one day that i
was

gonna benefit from my brother's
or such

pension and so those were my
western

influences when i was growing up
in

africa but years later my mother
said to

me go and see the world jumping
i

believe you guys called that
backpacking

we call it upgrading

because you see my mother had
very many

children just in case madonna
wanted one

like backpacking is such a white
time

isn't it

backpacking is the whitest time
ever

because bulk parking is
basically when

white people feel that need to
detox

from privilege

especially posh white girls you
see posh

white girls posh white girls are
like oh

my gosh

i'm so fed up of everything
being fine

i want to spend some time with
orphans

and off they go to africa

because literally the only time
white

people are interested in people
from

africa is basically when we are
orphaned

when we are dying of disease or
when we

are dying or farming even voters
were

like you guys are strange

but you know who doesn't give a

about pr africa

africa we don't give a
about pia

because we have outsourced to
appeal to

white people

and white people are doing a
terrible

job of african pr wouldn't you
agree

yes white people let me have
here

seriously like you will see a
white

person and you say hey i hear
you went

to africa my love tell me where
in

africa did you go no no don't
tell me

let me guess uh did you go to
see the

ancient churches built by
emperor

lalibella of ethiopia or perhaps
maybe

you went to see the medieval
city built

by the shauna people of great
zimbabwe

or perhaps maybe you went to old
way go

to the location of the first man
on

earth

or perhaps maybe you went and
spent some

time with the ancient kingdom of
the

buganda people

so you will ask a white person
so tell

me my love where in africa did
you go

they'll say ah

i went to an orphanage

i went to a clinic for hiv
sufferers

and i went to a slum i'm like
that's a

holiday

because like if i go to paris i
don't

want to see people suffering
from

chlamydia

like if i go to paris you know i
want to

see all the majestic buildings
because i

love buildings you know i want
to walk

down shows or lisa and just go
wow

this is where all the slave
money went

that's right

that's right so off i was going
to

america on a student exchange
program

student exchange sounds a little
bit

like a hosted situation

mainly because it was

because you know when a country
in the

west is doing a deal with africa

someone's gonna get

because like the west has
been

africa for so long slave
trade

colonialism shakespeare

you see that people it's because

africans we can't cope with
shakespeare

right to be or not to be

we're like we don't know white
people

please just make up your
mind

we don't know just make up your

mind you're either saving us or

enslaving us just make your

miner

we don't know

so i was i was going to america
and you

know what i panicked i
absolutely

panicked because i thought i
knew

nothing about america and then i
got to

america i realized that i knew

everything there was to know
about

america because i had watched

independence day

if you've never seen
independence say

the premise is this there's a
superpower

going round the world destroying
places

around the world and i thought
finally

america has a mirror

because you can combine american
foreign

policy into just one tiny little
phrase

i got the midas touch

everything i touch turns to dust

oh putin

because like if your friend
imagine if

your friend if your friend
what's your

name

julie julie imagine if you had a
friend

and your friend behaves the way
america

behaves going around the world
kicking

the out of people for no
reason

right like afghanistan shut the
up

iraq shut the up
nicaragua shut the

up somalia shut the
up vietnam

shut the up anybody else
got a

problem japan bomb

if

if your friend

behave the way america behaves
you would

say something you would say hey
hey calm

down kanye

you would

you would say something but you
know i

was i was looking forward to
going to

america i was going to study at

university in america because
africa is

massively into education and now
that

i've traveled a little bit i
realized

that different places have
different

emphasis on university education
for

example in america parents
actually take

university education very very
seriously

they actually start saving for
their

kids tuition fees the moment the
kid is

born british parents are like oh
we'll

cross that bridge when we get
there

but african parents are like
there might

not be a bridge

but our attitudes our attitudes
towards

teachers is also very different
because

in africa children are
frightened of

their teachers yeah we are so
frightened

of their teachers because
teachers still

use the cane

right that sort of thing is
frowned upon

in the west because you say that
there's

no role for violence in modern
society

right and you can say that a
child has a

right to grow up in the privacy
of their

own bedroom playing motor combat

that's right i was looking
forward to

going to america you see and uh
at the

time i was dating a somali boy
didn't

work he was always away at sea

had a very unusual interest in
the

shipping forecast

but my whole village came with
me to the

airport i was like stop
following me but

like we raced here

because in africa we still say
things

like it takes a village to raise
a child

that is how lazy my
village was

but in america they say that it
is a

village that a child has to make

trainers for

because that's capitalism right

yes

you guys capsules

oh silence just the white people
yes but

this is it because the success
of

capitalism relies on the
consumer

ignorance on the suffering on
those on

the production lines i know so
because

i've been reading all about it
on my

brand new iphone

because you see like the iphone
is

easily the worst culprit right
because

the iphone relies on a product
called

coltain and colton is mined by
kidnapped

children in the congo with their
bare

hands

it is assembled in china in
factories

that are so horrific that many
chinese

workers actually commit suicide
just so

that a guy in healing can take a
picture

of his dick

but enough about my husband

you gotta

you gotta have a hobby don't you

and this is it like children
these days

are very lucky you know kids
have access

to things that we never had you
know

they've got access to
smartphones

they've got access to illicit
sets

they can make a phone call and
take a

at the same time you know
in my day

if i wanted to make a phone call
and

take a at the same time i
had to

walk all the way to the phone
booth

it's incredible

but you know what guys when you
grow up

in africa you don't actually
know you've

got no idea what white people
think of

us we don't actually know and
the first

inkling you get of this is at
the

airport because the white people

airports are hostile aren't they

and they the black people like
said

nothing

seriously like american airports
are so

hostile right like oh my god
like this

guy you see i'm from africa and
white

people came to africa to
civilize us

thank you

so this guy was asking me what
you're

here for i was like civilization

it worked

see he was intimidating me to
say i

had no intention of saying right
i

called my mom the boss how was i
to know

the boss would be the wrong
answer to

the question who packed your
suitcase

and they ask you such horrible
questions

they ask you questions like have
you

ever been involved in terrorist

activities

have you ever been involved in
drug

trafficking i'm like you know
what we

should do the same when white
people

come to africa we should be
asking them

the same questions have you ever

benefited from massive land
grabbing

have you ever benefited from the

proceeds of mass enslavement of
people

there'll be no white people in
africa

it's incredible these guys like
they

just intimidate you that's what
they

want to do and so this guy was
asking me

what you're here for

and he says where have you come
from

today i was like east africa he
says

where is that and i'm like oh my
god i

better speak american

it's like it's just south of the
axis of

evil

to the east of the new corridor
of

terror and right next door to
jihadist

haven

he was like uh kenya

so he says did you grow up there
and i

say actually i did i grew up
just 100

kilometers south of the equator
and he

says oh i know is that the
imaginary

line that divides the wild by
half i was

like no that's racism

that's what it is

but you see like you know kenyan

airports are very different give
me a

shout if you're from kenya

oh jesus oh you've been together
okay

great represented my family's
here

see this is a airports are very

different if you have to go to
kenya

kenyan airports are very
different

you're walking through customs
they're

like

hello

and you're like oh my god hello
to you

too

are you here for business or
pleasure

you're like oh my god let's make
it

pleasure

have you got any friends or
family

you're like i do now

have you brought them any

gifts you're like oh i have

show us

and you're like oh my god i know
this

game is it show me yours i'll
show you

mine

they will find you for each and
every

one of those gifts

that's exactly what they did to
obama

when obama came to kenya before
he

became president

that's right because you guys
know obama

is half canyon right the bottom
half and

it can't be the top half the
number of

bombs he dropped on black people

seriously seriously now that's
my

favorite joke i know i'm not
supposed to

have a favorite but that is my
favorite

joke right

and i did this joke once and at
the end

of the show there was a black
woman

waiting for me she was very
angry and

she said i don't like that joke
that

obama joke i don't like it and i
said oh

my god why she said well you are

reinforcing racist stereotypes
that all

black men have big dicks and i
was like

lady that is the list of black
men's

problems right now right

because if you were to ask black
men

black men would you rather walk
around

with everybody thinking you have
a big

dick or being shot in the head

i know what they would go for

right and that's exactly what
they did

to obama no they didn't shoot
him in the

head they harassed him in the
kenyan

airport they find him for each
and

everything that he brought for
his

people right and you know what
his

people were saying to the kenyan

officials guys do you realize
this is

going to be the next american
president

they were laughing so hard

the only thing that stopped them

laughing was being waterboarded

so they say

that travel broadens one's mind
which is

why many americans don't

and

why would you want to see the
one

through the lands once you can
stay at

the barrow of your gun

they also say that when you
travel you

find out something about
yourself i got

to america i found out i was
black

because that is
surprising as hell

because you see in africa we are
all

walking around we are all just
people

it's only when you go to white
people

countries that you find out
you're black

because in white people
countries they

feel the need to put you in
categories

right and yet like when white
people

come to africa they're very
smart they

have their own category they've
got a

form already filled out what is
your

complexion

and they've got a predict answer
say

superior you can come right in

after you sir

so i go to new york

i go to new york i also found
out that i

was supposed to be in touch with
the

local drug dealers

because that is what
stereotyping does

i'm stood in a street corner my
second

day in new york stood in the
street

corner right and a posh white
boy comes

to me and says hey hey can you
tell me

where i can get the white stuff
now i

thought you were talking about
mace

flower

and i said oh my god yes i can
get you

some for free

and this is it because i know
for a fact

white people take more drugs
than black

people it is a fact it is well

documented right and ironically
it was a

posh white boy that introduced
me to

drugs his name was guy so he
came to me

are you called guy

are you guys

is that why you jumped up like
that or

was it a guy called guys i know
someone

could guy oh same guy

oh yeah

all right all right calm down
it's okay

it's okay it's

it's all right it's okay yeah

it's just a name

it's just the name so anyway
this guy

was called guy all right

and guy comes to me and he says
hey

jumpy do you want to go and say
big

johnny i was like yeah i want to
see big

johnny

and he takes me to big johnny's

apartment big johnny was a drug
dealer i

didn't know that because big
johnny

lived in a very plush apartment
that is

how comfortable white men are at

committing crime

so we walk into his apartment
he's a

very nice apartment and he baked
all his

drugs now i didn't even know
that was a

thing i walk in he's got a
hipster beard

he's got a tray full of baked
goods they

look amazing he was a drug
dealer with

the etiquette of a housewife

so i walk in i walk in and he
missed me

with a tray of chocolate cakes
and i was

like oh my god he says you want
one i

was like hell do i want one yeah

so i went straight for the
chocolate

cake

i was like oh my god these drugs
are

delicious

says you like it i was like do i
like it

i love it he says belgium
chocolate i

was like

oh my god belgian chocolate i
can taste

all of the genocide by king
leopa the

second of brussels

that

that is the secret ingredient in
belgian

chocolate

i finished that one i went
straight for

another one

he said go easy jambi i was like
i got

my cake and i'm eating it it's
like

brexit

very nice you know what guys do
not ever

take drugs

i know i'm saying this to like
white

middle-class people they're like
a

champion that horse has already
bolted

right

i was high

i would cover the baby's ears
where's

the baby

cover the baby's ears please
cover the

baby's ears guys i was high for
three

days

i hated it i felt like i was
floating in

the sky

and i was calling them i was
saying get

me down get me down get me down
they

were like you're all black
african woman

in new york how much lower do
you want

to get

new york new york new york new
york is

the city of lights

uses more electricity than the
whole of

africa and that's just one
family

one family's fridge

and you get like very opulent
people in

new york some of the world's
wealthiest

people live in new york and it's
like

the wealthiest people that come
up with

such i think it was
elizabeth taylor that once said
that diamonds are

a girl's best friend do you
remember

that

that diamonds are a girl's best
friend

not in congo

but you know what when my
friends in

kenya found out i was going to
america

they want me they were like
zombie

please be so careful american
police

hate black people they said
american

police are more likely to stop
you and

search you for drugs i was like
dude i'm

from kenya kenyan police hate
black

people

they're more likely to stop you
and

search you for cash

it's true

you see the kenyans are like
yeah we

know

but

but you know what guys it's so
true

though that american plays are
very

frightening they are so
frightening when

a black person comes face to
face with

an american policeman your
chances of

dying massively go up but you
know

what's even more frightening
something

we have back home called mob
justice

it's just a mob without the
justice

the justice is just for
decoration

yeah the justice is basically
with mob

justice is basically when
somebody goes

guys thief vape and everybody's
like

guys let's go kill a man come on
and

everybody's like oh my god yeah
i

haven't killed anyone lately
let's go

and do this

tie him up burn him burn him
burn him

and they burn him

they burn him because you know
what in

africa we'll put up with
corruption

we'll put up with lack of basic
housing

we'll put up with lack of basic
health

care we'll put up with lack of
good

hospitals and schools but we
will not

tolerate the theft of a nokia
3210

you will die for that my
friend

you will die for that

that's incredible as incredible

but you know what like when i
was in new

york i got to see the sites
anyone been

to new york

oh yeah quite a few people if
you've

been to new york uh i don't know
if

you've seen the statue of
liberty i went

to see the statue of liberty if
you've

never seen the statue of liberty
it's so

awesome it's a female figure
with

headgear long flowing robes
probably why

the french got rid of it thought
he was

muslim

most likely why they keep it on
an

island

and

because like france is leading
the way

backward

because france has banned the
fufai's

covering

and we know that america would
never

follow suit because the kkk
would never

put up with it

we know

because like france still
charges the

poorest african country's
attacks for

being colonized and that's
up

it is so up that's like
being

kidnapped and held in a basement
for 70

years and when you set free you
still

have to go back and give your
kidnapper

blodger for all time's sake

it's incredible but you know
what guys

when i go to america because in
africa

we don't learn any meaningful
history i

didn't know about the kkk i'd
never had

about the kkk and so i asked
someone who

are the kkk and someone told me
ooh

they're white supremacists

white supremacist and so i
looked it up

and then i found out that white

supremacists are more likely to
be

disenfranchised poor old white
men and i

thought how sad

can you imagine trying to take
over the

world on a budget

it's like let's go conquer
on a

mega bus

you can just sing you can just
see

but you know what guys

my time my time in new york
actually

came to an end very very quickly
because

i soon found out that my new
york state

university wasn't actually in
new york

city but it was in upstate new
york

upstate being another word for
racist

that's right you see when you
grow up in

africa we are so whitewashed you
see a

white american you're like oh my
god i'm

not worthy

then you get to america

you're like this is
wasted

because i lived amongst the
tribal

people called the rednecks

like trying to explain to people
in

america where kenya was was as

frustrating as trying to explain
to

people in africa the concept of

copyright

it's impossible

it's impossible

like i went to my village the
other day

in my village we now have a kfc

that's right we used to eat
organic now

we

we're developed we eat kfc

but i suspect it's not the real
thing

because i asked the guy i said
hey is

this the real kfc he said yes i
asked

him why is the color pink not
red he

said global warming

i asked him hey tell me what's
the

recipe he said garam masala

i said hey what does kfc stand
for he

said kenyan fried chicken

you cut me this up it's
incredible

it's incredible so my university
was

actually in a place called
oswego i

don't know if anybody has ever
heard of

oswego you have it's no wonder
you

dropped a bottle you're
surprised

if if you've never heard of
oswego i'll

tell you what it is oswego is an

industrial port on the shores of
lake

ontario olak ontario is one of
the five

great lakes because everything
in

america is great

the other one was superior

there are two people who know
their

geography

right so let me describe to you
oswego

oswego was an industrial port
with

massive pylons and very bleak
winters

and if you're asking how did you
cope

jambi with all of that
excitement i

didn't because oswego was also
in the

guinness book of records for
having the

most buzz per person

because literally the only way
you get

through your time in oswego was
by

drinking a copious amount of
alcohol

except i couldn't because i
found out

that my kenyan passport was not
a

recognized form of id

every time i tried to get a
drink i

couldn't and at some point i
became so

desperate i considered buying a
passport

from the republic of narnia

do you know i became so
desperate i just

wanted to have a glass of wine
and then

i realized that i could go to
walmart

get myself a submachine gun
shoot some

in the face

and get myself a mediocre glass
of wine

but when i was in america i had
a white

friend another one not jesus

and

and my white friend she was not
your

typical gun welding angry
american

student we've come to love

she was a bit more peaceful she
used to

carry a

and knife was like oh my god
why'd you

carry a knife she said
protection i'm

like from what you're a white
american

you're the epitome of safe like
if you

get kidnapped like the fbi and
the cia

will come and save you right now
if i

get kidnapped i will be ringing
my

government i'll be like hello

hello it's always a bad line

hello i've been kidnapped and
they'll be

like that's marriage for you

my government

so i asked oh my god why do you
carry

enough she said well my mother
has a

baby and a gun collection

because babies in america kill
more

people

than terrorists all true look it
up

please cover that baby's ears
because

babies in america kill more
people than

terrorists because terrorists
are

spending all their time editing
videos

babies just get on with it

why do you think they call them
mommy's

little soldiers

it's because they'll shoot you
in your

face

i said to my mate charlene in
that case

charlene i would have brought my
machete

if i knew

so charlene and i were very
similar but

very very different we became
very good

friends and uh we she had a very

different upbringing i had a
very

different upbringing you know
she grew

up in america america is the
land of the

free ironically known for slave
trade

and kate children

and and i grew up in africa
africa is a

land of the freedom fighters
because

most of africa was colonized

because before white people came
to

africa africans lived simple
lives you

know they lived in their hearts

everybody was the same you know
they had

no bills to pay they spend their
time

planting and harvesting and in
between

planting and harvesting they
spend all

their time dancing those rice
they were

basically what you guys call
hippies

right

and so they had simple lives
white

people came to africa they were
like

oh my god you guys are so poor

oh my god how do you feel about
being

poor

look at your houses your houses
are

your clothes are

your gods are your
spirits are

everything about your
your land is

oh nice

all right africans get the
out of

your gather out of your
gather

out of a get the out of
here

and women cover your teeth teeth
belong

in the national newspapers

and when

hurricane caucasian left

africans were like oh my god

how do we rebuild from this

like everything is destroyed our
customs

are gone our community is gone

our land is gone despite our
freedom

how the do we repeat from
this

and they were like all right
gather

around africans gather round we
are

going to see white people

how are we going to see white
people we

are going to walk

and now white people are like oh
my god

somebody stopped them quickly
somebody

built a well quick somebody
built the

wall they're coming here to
change our

way of life please quickly
somebody

built them all anybody

all right you can come and build
a wall

like everybody's building walls
like

what's up with this world
building like

even hungary is building a world
like

who the wants to go to
hungary

unlike hungary you need to come
the

down i know you're just coming
out of

the cold war just calm the
down

all right i have never in the
history of

neverness known anybody in
africa

walking around saying my
destination is

hungary

never

i want a country that reminds me
of

hunger

you need to come the down
hungary

seriously these people these
people they

walk across the sahara desert do
you

know how massive the sahara
desert is

they walk across like i say
white people

they run fight sky they're like

these guys walk across the
sahara desert

they cross perilous seas right
did you

see that malian immigrant in
paris his

name is mamadou he's killed four
flows

in 30 seconds

like four floors in 30 seconds
and you

think your picket fence is gonna
stop

him right

hey

he's gonna go oops i tripped on

something

i don't know what it is this
looks

hungarian

so shaolin and i we we were very
good

friends you know we were
different but

very good friends she grew up in
america

i grew up in africa she grew up
in

america america is the world's
largest

economy you know and it has the
biggest

workforce or what they like to
call

locally black men in prison

and

and i grew up in africa africa
has some

of the poorest countries in the
world

now this is a question just for
white

people do you know why africa is
poor

i like to ask that question just
to see

white people go now

tell us

as you're fiddling with your
diamond

rings

as you're sipping onto your
coffee

as you're nibbling onto your
chocolate

biscuits

because this is the africa
produces all

of white people indulgences
right

we produce the ingredients for
all of

the white people indulgences do
you

realize how much power that
gives us

do you realize that guys we have
the

power to ruin all of your
holidays

ray so can you imagine
valentines can

you imagine valentines without
chocolate

like lovers would be exchanging
flowers

and pie

but easter bunny will be hiding
sausages

right hipsters and starbucks
will be

drinking bovrow

and this is a theme that i never

understood guys i am so confused
i just

don't get it africa produces the
world's

finest diamonds

africa produces the entire cocoa

production for all the
chocolates that

you eat africa produces all of
the

coffee that you guys drink and
yet we

get paid in aid who the
is

negotiating for africa fifa

like we need to get their asses
right

here to negotiate this brexit
right here

it's incredible and i i like i
like

people saying no we're going to
go back

to trading with old allies after
brexit

they were never allies they were

hostages like you guys have a
very short

memory right

it's incredible it's incredible
so

charlene and i we were very
similar and

very different you know we grew
up in

two continents our continent
america and

africa are very similar in that
we are

defined by racism

both continents exactly the same
we've

been scarred and murdered by
racism

because you know when you think
about

apartheid you only think about
apartheid

in the context of south africa

and some of you might remember
rhodesia

but nobody remembers kenya kenya
was a

proper apartheid now i grew up
in a

place that was called the white

highlands and the reason it was
called

the white highlands was because
when

kenya was a british colony that
is where

all the uh cocaine was at

because like the white people in
kenya

spent there all of their time
having all

g's

and taking drugs

that is how we evolved through
them

like it's very difficult to
fight when

you're mid-shag

so i grew up in the in the white

highlands

and when kenya was a british
colony

black people were not permitted
in white

areas zebra crossing was a
nightmare

when kenya was a british colony
africans

or black people were not
permitted sugar

they were not permitted butter
they were

not permitted salt they were not

permitted sausages instead we
were

condemned to eating kale and
lentils and

sweet potatoes who knew racism
could be

so good for you

when my father could he used to
buy her

sausages because that was such a
british

thing it was the forbidden fruit
and it

was so delicious when we got
them oh my

god i can see the canyons you
remember

the farmer's choice sausages it
was just

the same so delicious

so you see charlene and i were
very

similar and yet very different
and we

became very very good friends
and she

invited me to her house for
thanksgiving

i didn't know what thanksgiving
is

thanksgiving is a very big
holiday in

america and so i looked it up
and i

found out that thanksgiving is
basically

when white people arrived in
america and

they had their first successful
harvest

they invited the native
americans for a

feast they called it
thanksgiving the

native americans called it their
last

supper

it's a massive holiday in
america

everybody celebrates that
everything

grains to hold and if you ain't
an

international student you have
to vacate

the compass it's a massive
headache for

international students because
you have

to move into a hotel shaolin was
very

nice she said jambi you can come
and

stay with my family i was so
grateful i

said thank you charlene i will
but

before i come to your house i
want to

see a bit of america i want to
see what

makes americans tick so i went
to disney

but before i went to disney

before i went to disney i spent
some

time with my weight friends i
tell you

what i used to hang out with a
lot of

international students and when
you hang

out with international students
is very

telling like my japanese friends
miho

and shiho owned their doll
that's right

miho and shiho on their door he
said

japanese cooking

every tuesday nice

my english friends on their door
is said

knock for a shark

do you know i used to hang out
with

black americans but you know
what

surprised me most is that i felt
no

connection with black americans
and that

surprised me now i know at the
time i

didn't you know i felt no
connections

with black americans because you
know

what black americans were woke
you know

black americans had looked at
their

oppressor in the face they had
tunnel

vision just like nelson mandela
nelson

mandela looked at his oppressor
in his

face and you know what he had
turner

vision they knew what was
bringing them

down in africa we don't have
tunnel

vision we don't know what is
oppressing

us because you know what because
slavery

just changed it didn't go away
it just

changed so most people in africa
we feel

oppressed we don't know what is

oppressing us you see those
children in

the congo that are mining all of
the

coating with their bare hands
they don't

know that at the top of the
chain is a

white man

their children that are picking
their

cocoa right they don't actually
know

that the person at the top is a
white

man

i found out the farm next to my
father's

farm now belongs to unilever

that's right

people in africa cannot afford
to buy

land anymore do you know why
because

slavery never ended it still
carries on

you know they dump all their
toxic waste

all over africa all your babies
nappies

are all over africa people
cannot farm

their land anymore you know and
you know

what here's a fact

three quarters of the people in
africa

are under the age of 30.

three-quarters of the people in
africa

are under the age of 30.
majority of

people in africa have never
heard of

slave trade

majority of people in africa
have never

heard of colonialism

majority of people in africa
only ever

see white people when they're
coming to

save us

so majority of people in africa

fundamentally believe this

they fundamentally believe that
white

people are nice

they fundamentally believe that
white

people will do anything to save
them

they fundamentally believe that
if they

walk across the sahara desert
cross

perilous the nice people in
europe will

be welcoming them with big open
hands

i say

if you don't want people from
africa

coming to your continent let
them know

the real you

that's right

show them because information in
africa

history is completely controlled
in

africa we don't learn history in
africa

do you know what

show them the brutality of the
empire

show them the brutality of the
slave

trade just show them and you
know what

if you don't want people from
africa

coming to europe

leave africa alone

because it is impossible to live
in

africa because they will not
leave

africa alone you see i didn't
know that

at the time when i was going to

university so black people
already knew

this we don't know in africa so
i didn't

know i thought black people had
too many

issues i was like you guys don't
know

how to have fun i want to hang
out with

white people because white
people love

to have fun

so you say

i used to hang out with white
people so

my white international friends
at the

start of the thanksgiving
holiday they

came to me they said hey jambi
we've

rented a car we're gonna drive
down to

boston we're gonna get laid
we're gonna

go clubbing what'd you say i was
like i

am a morally incorruptible
african

christian let's do

this so we're driving down to
boston i'm

excited for the first time i'm
going on

holiday with white people and
because

i'm going on holiday with white
people

we are spontaneous nobody
bothered to

book accommodation in boston

unbeknown to us

unbeknown to us there was a
convention

in boston

and there was no room at the inn

and you know what we were just
driving

down carefree and it was a
beautiful

drive because if you've ever
been to

north america in the fall it's
so

beautiful it's very dramatic it
is

basically when the trees change
color

from greens to reds and browns
and just

so beautiful to see all the
colors

getting along without any trying
to

dominate

we arrive in boston it's late at
night

and we're driving round and
round and

round and round i am so
exhausted on the

last time an exhausted woman
turned up

at a city and there was no room
at the

end the messiah was born

and i was praying that i wasn't
gonna be

the one giving birth to the
messiah

because we've already got kanye

and black people have suffered
enough

you know what guys we arrive in
boston

we are going round and round and
round

and round there's nowhere to
stay so i

said to these guys i said to the
girls

who are driving the two english
girls

who are driving there at the
front and i

said hey guys why don't we stop
and ask

for directions and when i say
that we

were in the type of neighborhood
where

you see a kid and you're like i
bet you

he has a piano

that type of neighborhood but no
i was

with white people they carried
on they

were driving round and round and
round

and the type of neighborhood we
stopped

in where you see a kid and
you're like

yeah he's gonna shoot me

that kind of neighborhood

do you know what that is where
we

stopped they got out of the car
and i

was like guys no please let's
just keep

moving let's keep moving last no
they're

like no no this looks fine i was
like

guys this area is so rough like
there

were people doing drugs there
was rats

fighting in the streets there
was

mattresses in the streets that
and there

was a bar it looked so rough and
you

know what lindsay says oh no
let's go

over there and ask them for
direction

i'm like no lindsay no she said
no he

looks fine outside the bar there
were

men they look so rough they look
as

though they've been kicked out
of jerry

springer for being too rough

lindsay says let's go

so at that precise moment the
white

people are leading i'm hiding
behind

them

and i understood why black
people never

colonize

because we're frightened so i
follow the

white people

we are it's true you're not and
you're

like yeah that's why we'll never

colonize anyone we're frightened
like

the two english girls they're
working

this time we're wearing small
shorts

we're wearing crop tops and she
walks up

to them i'm carrying behind them
she

walks up to this group of men in
her

poshest english accent and you
can tell

that lindsay is the one that
went to to

catholic school because she used
to

flash her teacher to everyone

that's

right so she walks up to this
group of

men rough as she walks up
to them

in her pocious english accent
she goes

hi we're students from england
and we

are lost we are looking for
somewhere to

stay i'm like no lindsay don't
give the

game away these guys i have
never heard

of anybody out of town they just
went

and you know what i was like oh
my god

this is not good just then a
chip stops

by a man jumps out of the jeep
he's

wearing crocodile skinned shoes
his shot

is unbuttoned to the navel he's
got

bigger medallions than a kenyan
marathon

runner

and i'm like ah a gentleman

he jumps out and he and uh he
comes and

says hey what's going on and
they say oh

these girls are from france they
don't

speak english

i said like the worst case of
chinese

whispers

and so he says they're looking
for

somewhere to stay and you know
what

these guys makes us an offer
that no

alone girls in a strange place
could

ever say no to

he says if one of you pretty
ladies

comes into my car

i'm gonna take you to somewhere
to stay

and i'm like no no no bad idea
guys bad

idea lindsay goes i will

i'm like oh my god no linsey bad
idea

that is the oldest streak in the
book do

you know what she gets into his
car

and before he gets into his car
he says

well the motel i'm taking you to
there

is too many of you they will not
allow

you into the motel so one of you
is

going to have to get into the
boot and

they look at me for the most
obvious

reason

that i was a smallest

so now i get into the boot and
in the

boot there is a shovel

because people in north america
they

carry shovels just in case they
snow so

i'm in the boot now i'm holding
on to my

shop and i'm thinking i don't
like going

on holiday with white people

this is not fun for me

so lindsay's car takes off our
car

follows very fast they go faster
we go

faster they go faster we go
faster they

go faster we go faster

and then guess what we get
stopped by

police

now everybody has to get out of
the car

and so all the people all the
white

people get out of the car the
police

officer starts inspecting the
car they

open the boot

there's a black woman

in the boot with a shovel

he looks at me he looks at all
of the

guilty faces of those white
people and

he's like um have a good day
folks

nothing unusual there

because that's america

it's incredible

so but to true to his what the
guy did

take us to a motel

he took us to mattel and
everything was

too exciting for me i flew to
florida

because i wanted to see a little
bit of

america i went to see walt if
you've

ever been to seaworld you've
been to

seaworld it was so much fun

it was amazing we were like
splashes

again splashes again oh my god
real

tears

make him do it again make him do
it

again oh my god he's run out of
tears

make him cry some more because
humans

are terrible and they humans are

terrible do you know i was
listening to

radio 4. yes i listened to radio
4. i

was listening to radio 4.

and they said this is what they
said on

radio 4 that they discovered
some

researchers discovered that
whales can

talk i was like nah whales
cannot talk

because if a world can talk it's
not

gonna ask you how are you

if a whale can talk to a human
being is

gonna look at you in the face
and say

what the are you doing to
this

planet you

true

so i had a sort of tour around
of

orlando and my time in orlando
was

finished and it was time for

thanksgiving i caught my flight
from

orlando to syracuse to find my
friend

charlene was waiting for me with
her dad

do you know what she told her
parents

that her friend an international
student

was coming to stay for
thanksgiving and

automatically they think white
european

so they were so excited because
white

people in america they love
europeans so

they were so excited they were
like oh

my god a white european maybe a
cousin

of the queen

maybe someone from downtown
abbey

maybe some aristocrat they were
so

excited

you know

these guys were just thinking
maybe

maybe some english rose you know
someone

the clan would approve of not a
woman

from a clan

so they were so excited charlene
came

with her dad the mom stayed home
to get

everything ready

so the dad and charlene were
waiting for

me i walked through arrivals i
see my

mate charlene i'm waving at
charlene

charlene is waving back at me

the dad is looking at me now so
confused

like they're walking closer he's
walking

closer to me he's just staring
at me

he's looking past me there's no
one

behind me so i'm still waving
charlene

and i are just hugging one
another the

dad now looks as though he's
seen a

ghost

he's just staring at me real
close

trying to see whether there was
a white

person with a heavy ton

but my afro and the smell of
cocoa

butter gave it away

so he's staring at me like he's
so

confused he looks as though he's
seen a

ghost you know sheldon and i
hugging one

another we are so excited and
you know

what she says meet my dad you
see i'm

from africa and in africa we are
taught

you have to respect your elders
you have

to call your elders uncle or
auntie so

i'm hugging uncle billy bob

uncle billy bob is having none
of it he

seriously like looks as though
he's just

been told the worst news ever
he's he's

so red now he's sweating he's
just

staring at me he's so confused
by what

happened charlene and i excited
she's

like yeah come let's go to the
car we

hopped to the car we are very
excited

we're going to be spending time
together

the dad seriously he's now
walking back

he looks so confused like he's
looking

at me he's thinking she's no
aristocrat

like

we get into the car he gets into
the car

he's starting the ignition
starting the

ignition nothing i'm sat back
left this

is like a remake of driving miss
daisy

we drive home this guy like he's

sweating he's so red he can't
believe

what's happening you see i don't
know i

don't know i'm a problem because
when i

was little my brother and i we
had a tv

and we used to watch different
strokes

and in my tv like white people
and black

people used to get along there
was a

white man who adopted black
children and

he loved those children we used
to watch

oprah and in oprah the white
people

loved oprah they used to laugh
and clap

at everything she said you see i
didn't

know that i was a problem you
see

because i was the accidental
coconut

so i am starting this car he's
driving

us home we arrive home the mom
had spent

the whole day cooking for me

isn't it ironic that a racist
white

woman should spend the whole day

leaving over a hot stove

for a black woman from africa

not even martin luther king
could have

had that dream

so i arrived i get out of the
car the

mom jumps out of the house and
then she

stops to look at me

she's now so confused she's
looking at

me she's looking at her husband
she's

like what happened she's no
aristocrat

and the husband is like i don't
know

what happened here

but you see i don't know all of
this so

charlene says come get into the
house we

get into the house i'm like wow
charlene

i love your house it's so nice i
could

live here

the mom faints

i'm like oh my gosh charlene i
love your

house you guys like flags eh

like i recognize the american
flag

what's the other one

and the dad goes independence

i was like oh my god you are
colonized

too

now i know

now i know

now i know that in 1776 white
colonizers

were fed up of being told what
to do at

the time i didn't know you see i
didn't

know i was a problem so i'm
thinking her

parents are being a little bit
strange

but charlene says come let's go
to my

room we go to her room we put on
our

makeup we get ready to go out we
go out

and she says tomorrow is
thanksgiving

we're gonna go to grandma's i'm
like

yeah

i love grandmas

because when i was growing up in
africa

growing up on a farm you know
the life

expectancy at the time was 57

so we never really saw old
people and we

love old people we said that old
age

brings you wisdom you guys are
like nah

it brings you inheritance

i was excited to be going to
grandma's

house you see because i love
grandma's

you see so we get up the
following

morning their parents have
already gone

to grandma's

so she and i we get up and she
says oh

never mind we're gonna go into
the van

so we get into havan we drive to

grandma's house we arrived at
grandma's

house everybody was there all of
her

relatives her cousins her uncles
they

looked as though they've been
torturing

an animal they were all sat
around the

table seriously no word of a lie
i

walked in it was a bit like in a
western

you know in a western when the
bad guy

walks in and everybody goes

seriously everybody was just
like

staring at me

and i was like oh my god these
guys this

is a bit strange but i don't get
it you

see because when i was a child i
used to

watch all my tv programs white
people

and black people used to get on
i don't

know that i'm a problem now i'm
stuck

here everybody is staring at me
and you

know what

grandma

grandma was just there

like she just couldn't believe
it she

was staring at me and then i
realized

that nobody told grandma that i
was

coming because she would have
been

waiting for me with a

shotgun and then i realized now
that

grandma would have been born or
had

lived an era when it was normal
and okay

to catch a black person

and torture them break each and
every

bone in their body and burn them
bit by

bit bit by bit and then hung
them on the

tree with all the villagers
yelling burn

him burn him burn him and they
burn him

and you know what else they
would do

they would take pictures with
the

burning cops they would send
them us

postcards to one another that
was like a

very macabre instagram right

do you know what i don't know
all of

this at the time you see i don't
know

and you know what i'm stood
right in the

middle of it

i've stood there grandma
recovers

quicker and she say to charlene

come over here charlene and
charlene

does something that surprises me
to this

day

charlene walks away from me and
she

joins her family and left me
standing

there looking back now i know

charlene has grown up watching
the

humiliation of black people
because in

white people countries it is
okay to put

people under labels and when you
put a

label on on people it's just so
easy to

dehumanize them when you call
them black

people you can mistreat them you
can do

anything you want to them you
can deny

them opportunities and that's
okay

because they're black people we
are told

that black people are inherently
violent

we never colonized anyone

we told the black people
inherently

violent we never enslaved anyone
but

this is just propaganda because
we are

taught to trust the white man

that's all we taught trust the
white man

right now if you see a black boy
outside

in the street wearing a hoodie
you are

going to cross the road because
you're

taught to be frightened of him
he'll

probably stab you

but the propaganda is working
you're so

frightened of young black men
but you

know what you were taught not to
fear

white men you will see a white
man in

his designer suit walking he
will open

door for you he'll say his thank
yous

and stories and everything on
his way to

press the nuclear button

because you know what all the
major

battles of the world have been
started

by white men

the only battles black men are

responsible for are the rabbatos

that's right

and this is the thing i see
white people

asking what's a rap battle

that is the whitest thing ever

what is a wrap but talk to me
afterwards

i'll tell you what it is and
this is the

thing though like when you put a
label

on people it is easy to
dehumanize them

like if i was to tell you now
there was

a woman

there was a woman who was
breastfeeding

her little baby and not that
lady that

lady's fine

she's fine

there was a woman who was
breastfeeding

her baby somebody came and
ripped her

baby away they separated the two
of them

the baby is now so distressed
he's

calling for his mother the
mother is so

distressed they want to to be
together

again

if i told you that you would
feel so bad

and you would do anything to
bring them

back together and that is
happening

every single day not just in
america all

over europe and you know what
it's okay

because they're immigrants

we are better than that and we
can rise

above it guys because we are all
the

same fundamentally i push a baby
out the

same way you push a baby out

it's incredible charlene has
grown up

seeing people dehumanize based
on the

color of their skin she did
something

that she completely shocked me
and to

this day i'd never been able to

understand she walked over to
her family

and she joined her family and in
the

true spirit of thanksgiving
underneath a

confederate flag this all-white
american

family had their thanksgiving
meal

watched over by a black native

they ate their dinner i just
took their

water

and you know what

the next thing that happened was
i'm not

proud of it

i'm not proud of it as i stood
there

like so confused i didn't know
what to

say what to do i had a
tourette's moment

and i just said it i'm not proud
of it i

just stood there watching this
family

eat their dinner and i just said
i bring

you greetings from my people

like what the was that

my horse baked like a 19th
century chief

like even the dog turned away
and he was

brown

so hours later charlene came to
me and

she said come let's go home we
got into

havan

and we went home and we never
spoke

about that day because it was
too

confusing there was no way we
could

contextualize what happened and
we went

home dad came home and he made
me a hot

dog you see when i was little my
father

used to buy a sausages for a
treat so i

naturally thought this was the
american

version of olive branch

so i took the hot dog and i ate
it so

quickly i was starving

so delicious

and for the first time

he saw me

and during lunch when i was
looking at

all of them eating i thought i
caught

his eye

and i thought i could see
something in

his eyes it's something that i
thought

to be shame but he was so quick
and now

he came to me he said tell me
about

africa and i said africa is
amazing i

would like charlene to come and
visit me

he twitched

and

and the following day

he dropped us off to university

and we get out of the car on us
we are

just about to walk off he says
girls

girls come back let me tell you
a joke

we come back and he tells us a
joke this

is the joke that he told us he
said a

couple in their 60s go to their
doctor

and say doctor we want to have a
baby

the doctor gives them a funny
look and

says here take a job bring me
back a

sample

they come back the following
week the

jail is empty

doctor goes ha just as i thought
what

happened

the man says i tried it with my
right

hand i tried it with my left
hand

my wife tried it with her right
hand she

tried it with her left hand my
wife

tried it with her teeth she
tried it

without her teeth we just
couldn't get

the jar opened

i love that joke

i love that joke that became my
favorite

joke you see guys i absolutely
love that

joke it became my joke i used to
tell it

everywhere i went like every
time i went

to a party i said to people do
you want

to hear a joke everywhere do you
want to

hear do you want to hear a joke
and you

know what it is from something
that was

so horrific something that was
so

uncomfortable for me that bore
whatever

i became today because you never
know

where the end result of
something like

that is gonna be

and if you're wondering what
became of

my brother he's now a
millionaire

and i'm still hoping to benefit
from his

pension

thank you very much thank you

oh