All language subtitles for Curb Your Enthusiasm S09E09 The Shucker 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-NTb (1)_track3_[eng]

( theme music playing )

- Larry: Huh?
Is that amazing?
- Cheryl: That is--

- Ted: Unbelievable story!
- Larry: You know what?

None of it
would have happened

if I didn't intercede
on that guy's behalf
in the restaurant.

- Unbelievable, Larry.
- It saved your life.

- Saved my life.
- What if he hadn't
wanted seconds?

None of this
would have happened.

- Larry: None of it
would have happened.
- Bashert.

The fatwa is over!

- Leon: Yes!
- The fatwa is over!

Susie:
Let's drink to that, huh?

It's a new me.
It's a new me.

Well, whatever.
We're glad you're back,
Larry.

- Thank you, Susie.
- Welcome.

Jeff:
I didn't even tell you
the biggest news.

"Fatwa! the Musical"
is back on.

- It is?
- Whoa, wait--
wait a second.

You're jumping the gun
a little bit.

We're having a meeting
with Lin-Manuel Miranda
this week,

and if he wants
to do it, then--

You're meeting
with Lin-Manuel Miranda?
Oh, my--

It's the only way
it can go forward--
is if he's in it.

He's in LA now, right?
Isn't it-- aren't they
doing the show here?

Yeah, they're doing
"Hamilton."

Yeah, can you
get us tickets?
I mean, it's here.

No, it's here
and we can't even
get tickets to it!

Already with
the "Hamilton" tickets?
Are you kidding?

- I would love some, too.
- Huh?

I don't know if I can
get you tickets.

I haven't even
met the guy yet.

- You saw it, right?
- Yeah, I saw it in New York.

- Fantastic.
- Isn't it so fantastic?

Oh, my God,
I love that show.
Incredible.

I saw it
and I played...

( chuckles )
36 holes of golf
that day.

And, uh, I fell asleep
before the second act
of "Hamilton."

- Bridget: You're kidding.
- I slept through-- I slept
through the intermission.

- Bridget: No!
- Susie: You fell asleep?
Wait a minute.

Only you would fall asleep
at the hottest show
on Broadway.

- Ted: Hey, hey. Guys, guys.
- How did you fall asleep?

- It's so exciting
and interesting.
- The Shucker.

- Excuse me, the Shucker.
- Oh, the Shucker.

- Hey, how's everybody doing?
- Susie: Hello.

- Shucker: Taste good?
- Ted: Fantastic.

It's all good?
No grit?

- No grit.
- Okay, no grit.

Just shuck and awe.
Okay, well, that's great.

I've got a--
I got a whole bunch
of bluepoints.

Got some Kusshis
for you all.

- Ted: Whoo!
- Hope you left some room.

- Okay.
- I know he did.
( chuckling )

Susie:
Fantastic.
Cute as could be.

- Ay, God.
- Susie: Shucking?

- What's the matter?
- Bridget: What's the matter?

- Jeff: What happened?
- He overheard that entire story

about me sleeping
through "Hamilton."

What do you care?
What difference does it make?

I just hope it doesn't
get back to-- to Lin.

I doubt that, Larry.
You're paranoid.

He shucks all over town.
I don't know what circles
he shucks in.

- He could shuck and tell.
- ( doorbell rings )

- I'll be back.
- Do you think we can
still get the tickets?

Who's ringing the bell
this time of night?

It's Lin-Manuel Miranda.
( chuckles )

Susie:
I think he heard
about the...

Hello, I'm Rose Shapiro.
Remember me?

No.

I sold you this house
five years ago.

Oh, okay.

Um, well,
what can I do for you?

Well, I was
in the neighborhood

and I thought
I'd just pop in

and see how my house is doing
if that's okay with you.

Actually, I'm--
sorry, I've got
some dinner guests, so.

Well, I won't take
but a minute.

I was so happy in this house.
I lived here for 50 years.

Raised all my children here.
Is that okay?

- Yeah, I-- yeah, okay.
- Oh, oh, thank you.

But it can't be
too long, though, okay?

It won't be, I promise you.
I'll be very discreet.

( gasps )
What have you done here?

You've covered up
that cut stone from Italy
with a rug!

Yeah, well, it needed
a little warming up in here.

It was very cold
and I happen to like it.

And you know what?
It happens to be
my house, so--

And what have
you done in here?

Where's the wonderful
wallpaper I put up?

The wallpaper
with the pirates?
Are you kidding?

It was the first thing
I took down when I moved in.

Well, I guess
it's your house.

You can do anything
you want to.

- Yeah, oh, yes!
- I think I'll check
over here.

That's true!
That-- I can do
anything I want to!

What are you doing--
what the fuck?

I'm checking
the master bedroom.

I don't want you to.
It's my house.

Well, all right.
If you wanna be that way.

Yeah, I think I do
wanna be that way.

I do.
All right,
you know what?

I think it's time to go.
Let's go. Come on.

- ( sighs ) All right.
- Come on.

- I guess I better go.
- Enough. I've had enough.

- Oh!
- Ay-ay-ay.

Look at this poor ficus!
What have you done?

I left this with you
in good faith to love
and cherish.

Yeah, no, I've taken
very good care of it.

- It's old.
- It's dropping all its leaves.
Do you water it?

Of course I water it.
All right, come on, I got
some people here.

You've got to go.
Come on.

There's the door.
Time to go. Thank you.

Good-bye.
Thank you for stopping by.

- Don't do it again.
- Bridget: No, I know, I know.

And then, Todd,
this other guy,

had-- what's the male
equivalent of bush?

- Jeff: Man bush.
- Man bush.

That, like-- so, finding
his penis was like--

I'm searching
for the baby bird
in the--

- Susie: In the nest.
- In the nest.

And then I'm, like,
looking.

I couldn't even
find the goods

because the Afro
was so intense.

Yeah, okay, all right.

I think-- I think we've heard
enough of that story.

- Sorry, Lar.
- But, Larry,

she has so many
funny stories about her exes.

I've been hearing them
for years.

- They're hilarious.
- Yeah, I'm sure.

- Yeah.
- Remember the one
you told me about?

- The guy who-- the leaner?
- Yeah, the leaner.

- Yes.
- The Leaning Tower of Pisa?

- That guy?
- The Leaning Tower of Peter.

Yeah, oh, that's--
that's a good one, too.

- That was a good one.
- Bridget: I know, I know.

And then Todd,
this other guy--

Oh, yeah.
Oh, that was
so many years ago.

Oh, my God.
I don't believe it.

This room used to be
so warm and inviting.

Mrs. Shapiro, what are--
what are you doing?

- Well, I just--
- I thought you left.

Well, I was
just looking around.

- It used to be so different.
- She used to live in the house.

Uh, she wanted
to look around.

And the house
was so much better
when I had it.

- I don't know what
he's done with this.
- Okay, you need to go now.

- Well, you don't have
to be rude about it.
- You're the one being rude.

You come in here and
you're criticizing my house.

You don't live here
anymore.

That's right,
keep going.

- ( door opens )
- Yeah, and now close it.

- Close it.
- ( door closes )

- Ted: Go-- go back
to the leaner.
- Okay.

( laughs )
The Leaning Tower
of Peter?

- ( all laughing )
- Oh, and he was
a biter, too.

He used to bite me
on the ass.

- Which was not as bad as--
- Leon: A bite on the damn
nipple!

- ( laughing )
- Bridget: Oh, my God, totally.
'Cause that hurts.

Well, that's it,
everybody.

- I'm all done
for the night.
- Whoo!

Thanks.
It's been a privilege
working for you tonight.

And I hope
you agree with me

that this has been
a spectacular "shuck-cess."

- Whoa!
- Oh, nice. Okay.

- Thank you.
- I'll-- I'll walk you out.

- Susie: He's adorable.
- Bridget: Yeah.

- Bridge,
what was the guy...
- Anyway, um,

it was great having
you here tonight.

Everybody
really enjoyed it.

I hope so.
I hope so.

- Had a great time.
- Yeah. Yeah, it was great.

Um, I just wanna say
one thing.

You know,
earlier when I was
talking about "Hamilton,"

what-- what
you didn't hear me say
was that I played,

uh, 36 holes
of golf that day
and I was exhausted.

And that's one
of the reasons
I was so tired,

uh, during
the performance.

I mean, I-- I loved
what I-- what I saw.

Sure. What I heard
was that you fell asleep.

Yes, I did fall asleep,
but what you didn't hear

is why I fell asleep,
why I was so tired.

- I loved the show.
- Sure.

You can paint it
or dress it up

anyway you want,
but sleep is sleep.

- And you fell asleep.
- Yeah.

- All right?
- True, I did.

But, uh, I would hope
that as you shuck

from house to house
that, uh,

you can afford me
some shucker discretion
in this matter.

- I understand.
- Oh.

- And I appreciate that.
- Good. Thank you.

And I would
also appreciate, um,

two tickets
to "Hamilton."

- Oh. Really?
- Yeah.

Well...
( sighs )

I don't have any access

to getting you tickets
to "Hamilton," okay?

- It's most unfortunate.
- And why is-- why is that?

It'd be a shame
if Lin-Manuel Miranda

ever found out that someone
was falling asleep
in his show.

- I'll see
what I can do.
- Super.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- ( door opens, closes )
- Susie: I like that guy.

- Oh, he was adorable.
- Cheryl: He was adorable.

- What? Who?
- This cake is unbelievable.

- Bridget: I know.
- Oh, it's the best cheesecake.

Um, all right.

I think, uh--
I think we're good here.

I think that's enough.

- What?
- That's enough.

- What are you talking about?
- Time to go.

We're having afterdinner
conversation, Larry.

- It's enough.
- You know, this is
so typical of you.

I don't like
all the lingering
after dinner.

You had your dessert.
Get-- get the hell out.
Come on, get out.

All right,
thank you for ruining
a lovely evening.

On the contrary,
didn't ruin it.
Saved it.

- Uh-huh. Bridget,
call me tomorrow.
- I saved it.

- Mwah. Cheryl, Ted.
- Mwah. I'll call you.

All right, okay, come on.
Time to go, people.

- Hey.
- Ted: This is your Larry.

- Whose is this?
- Oh, I don't know.

Maybe-- maybe
the Shucker left it.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Man, this is cool.

- Susie: Ooh.
- You know what?
( snaps fingers )

- Ooh, Jeffrey.
- Keep it.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Oh, definitely keep it.
I love it.

- You do?
- It looks fantastic
on you.

- Really?
- Looks good.

How about that?

Look at me.
I'm the sheriff.

Now let's go home,
Sheriff.
Come on.

- Yeah.
- All right, people.

- Okay, yep.
- Let's go.

- Time to go.
- We're getting kicked out.

Jeff:
She's showing me love
and affection

that I've never
felt before.

- 'Cause of the hat.
- All 'cause of the hat.

She listens
to what I say.

She takes suggestions.

And all she wants to do
is have sex.

- Susie?
- Yes.

So I have to keep
the hat on during sex.

- That's her thing.
- What?

Yeah. I haven't had
this much sex since college.

- Wow.
- It's almost like,
you know,

she's got a thing
for cowboys from her past
or something.

She's got
a real perversion,
doesn't she?

Yeah, she loves
the Old West.

Where are the women
who have a bald perversion?

I wonder if there's, like,
a place they all hang out.

You just walk in
and, you know.

I wonder if it's worth
investigating.

- You wonder?
- ( laughs )

I would have already
investigated it.

I would have--
I would have blown up Google
with-- if I were you.

- Hey, by the way.
- Yeah?

Today with--
with Lin...

- Yeah.
- Okay?

You don't think
he's gonna wanna write
the songs, do you?

Hmm, I hadn't
thought of that,

but I-- I don't know.

They're my songs.
I don't wanna--

Your songs.
And can I say something?

- Yeah.
- I love those songs.

- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Yeah.

Woman:
Excuse me, gentlemen.

Lin isn't here yet,
but if you'd like
to go upstairs

to Aaron's office,
you can.

Oh.

Ma'am.

How you doing?

- ( chuckles )
- ( phone rings )

- Larry! Hey.
- Hey!

Come on in,
come on in.
Jeff, hi.

- How you doing, Aaron?
- Aaron Warden.

- Yeah. I know you.
- Nice to meet you.

Hello, hello.
Nice hat.

- Thank you.
- You're just coming
back from Vegas?

Uh, no.
This is my new look.

I like it.
I like how you think.

( laughs )
Lin's very excited,
by the way.

I read the play
personally.
Great.

- Laughed a lot.
- Really?

- Great moments,
great comedy.
- Wow.

We're really excited,
seriously.

And you think
that he's interested
in-- in playing Salman?

I think so.
The only issue--
he's so busy.

So busy right now.
You know, the world
is after him.

What's that?
"Judge Judy"?

- Oh, you like Judith?
- Oh, I love Judge Judy.

- Are you kidding?
- Good. Good, good.
She's my client.

If I ever had
to go to court,

I would like for her
to adjudicate.

- That's how good she is.
- But she's tough.

- I'm so sorry I'm late.
- Oh, there he is!

- Our national treasure.
- Hey! Jeff. How are you?

Jeff, Lin.
Larry, Lin.
Nice to see you.

- How did it go? Good?
- It was good.

- Yeah, I think we're done.
- Good. I'm excited.

All right,
I was just telling them
how excited we are.

Thank you so much
for bringing this to us.

- It's so exciting.
- Oh, oh, thank--

you know,
I loved "Hamilton,"
needless to say.

- I saw it with you.
- Oh, great. Awesome.

You know, I know
the show's in LA right now.
Everybody's loving it.

I was wondering,
would it be possible to get
two tickets for my shucker?

For your shucker?
Like an oyster shucker?

Yeah, yeah, oyster shucker.
Yeah. Fantastic shucker.
So fast.

- He's your personal shucker?
- No. He-- he shucks for me
from time to time.

Hey, if he's important to you,
sure, I'll-- I'll--

- no promises, but I'll ask.
- Oh, thank you.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Thank you so much.

All right, I'll let
you chat together,

and my office
is your office.

Have a great time.
I'm excited about this.

- Great work again, Larry.
- Thanks again.

Thanks for letting us
use the office.

Appreciate it.
Let's have a seat, guys.

Okay, let's see.
Where do you want...

( sighs )

Right.

So, "Fatwa! the Musical."

Where do you guys
wanna do it?

Well, you know,
we're thinking...

- Broadway.
- Broadway.

Broadway?
All right.

I think you're
gonna wanna try it
out of town first.

You know, why not LA?
I think you should do it here.

- Okay.
- Nice.

And who do you see
for a cast?

Obviously, we'd like you
to play, um, Salman.

- Oh, "Salmon."
- Salman.

Yeah, "Salmon" Rushdie.

"Salmon," yeah.

And, um, Mandy Patinkin
for, uh...

- No one but Mandy Patinkin.
- ...for the ayatollah.

F. Murray Abraham.

- Yeah. Good idea.
Let's do that.
- Yeah. I'm telling you.

- ( phone buzzes )
- The "F" is for
fucking awesome.

I'm sorry.

I'm getting a--
I'm sorry, guys,
this is London.

Can I just have you guys
step outside for a second?
Thanks so much.

This is really
going well.
Hello?

What the hell's
wrong with you?

- You said yes
to everything.
- Yeah.

You were
so determined downstairs.
What the hell happened?

- It's the desk.
- The desk?

Yes.
It's the power of the desk.
He's up high, I'm down low.

Everything
he says, I say yes to.
He's in the boss chair.

- He's-- he's like--
it's like he's my boss.
- This is not good.

We gotta do everything
we can to get him out
from behind the desk.

- Okay.
- Lin-Manuel: Hey, you guys
can come on back in.

Please, make yourselves
comfortable.

( grunts )

I got an idea.
Why don't you sit over here?

Yeah, no.
I'm comfortable.
Thank you so much.

- Larry: Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm great.

I gotta tell you,
we could have a real nice,
intimate discussion over here.

You know, we'll be able
to kind of really
kick it around.

Yeah, I feel like
we're at a nice, wide angle.

This is a nice
bird's-eye view
of the piece.

I gotta tell you something,
I'm getting laryngitis

screaming across the room,
you're so far away.

Well, I'm enthusiastic
about it, too.

I think we're
on the same page.

Listen, not only
do I wanna play "Salmon,"
I wanna write the songs.

- Yeah, but I-- I've
written all the songs.
- Yeah.

- That's all done.
- It's a great
starting point for us.

You know, what you've written
is-- it's a great bedrock.

It's a great foundation
for-- for me to--

you know, 'cause
it's inspiring me so much.

You know, let's start
with the opening.

What?
The opening?

Come on, the opening's
terrific as is.

♪ There's a fatwa,
there's a fatwa ♪

♪ Gotta run,
I think I oughta,
gotta hide ♪

- ♪ I think I gotta-- ♪
- ♪ Got a pinspotta ♪

- There-- there's more.
I'm not done--
- Yeah, there's more.

♪ Pinspotta on our hero ♪

♪ All alone,
blood clotta ♪

♪ A fatwa,
un, deux, trois,
caught ♪

♪ Why am I
in the middle
of this? ♪

♪ I'm Biggie and 'Pac,
who shot ya? ♪

♪ I'm at the top of the rock
and I'm hotter than guac ♪

♪ What's going on?
I gotta stop ya ♪

♪ Can I-- ♪
Where are you going?

No, I was just checking out
the whole area here.

No, have a seat.
I'm not done.

Oh, okay-- okay.

Yeah.
No, have a seat
over here.

Yeah,
right where you were.

Have a seat.
Make yourself comfortable.

We're in a flow right now.
You're doing great.

Listen, I feel like
I have a lot of ideas

and maybe
we should call
another meeting

where I can really download
everything that's in my head,

'cause I'm just scratching
the surface here.

I love what we've all
come up with together,

so let's have
another meeting

in a couple weeks
to keep working.

Okay.

Great.

I have a couple of calls
to make to the West End
before it closes.

Yeah, all right,
give me the room.
Thanks.

- This is
just the beginning.
- Yeah.

- Awesome.
- See you.

- Thank you.
- Okay, thank you.

Ugh, how can you eat
that thing, Riggs?

Hey, it's breakfast,
the most important meal
of the day.

( scoffs )
What's the name
of this show?

- "Chicago Homicide."
- Oh, my God, you poor kid.

( laughs )
It's not that bad.

- People love it.
- Two bullet wounds
to the chest...

- Larry: People love this?
- Mm-hmm.

People will watch anything
with "Chicago" in the title.

- It's been proven.
- ( chuckles ) Yeah.

Yeah.
( laughs )

Ow. Could this couch
be any more uncomfortable?

- You could have a new couch.
- And that's gonna require
people...

- Oh, that's annoying.
- ...lugging something

up the stairs,
lugging this out.

I can't stand to see
people doing manual labor
in front of me.

- Movers in particular.
- Right. Right.

- Wow.
- A piano.

- Nightmare. Tears.
- Oh, my God.

I wouldn't get a piano
just because

I wouldn't want them to move
the piano into my house.

- That's so stupid.
- It is, but it's true.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Interesting,
the things I'm learning.

Just like talking
to all your friends
the other night.

They were so, uh, nice.
That was fun.

- Yeah, it was fun.
- Mmm.

Except maybe...

at the end
when you were talking
about those guys.

( laughs )
Susie loves
those stories.

- I don't know why.
- Yeah.

I guess
I kept thinking...

( scoffs )
what if-- what if that was me
she was talking about?

( laughs )

Well, I won't talk
about you, Larry.
Don't worry.

Is there anything
you've observed thus far
or noticed

that you might
wanna talk about
at a dinner party?

No. Everything's
completely just regular.

Woman on TV:
They're too much trouble.
I'm officially done dating.

- "Regular."
- If I get lonely,
I'll just rent a penis.

( gasps )
Ah! That is a--
an unapproved "penis."

I'm so sorry,
I gotta call this in
before they...

It's Bridget for Bill.

( muffled clattering )

No, he knows
why I'm calling.

You hear something?

Sorry,
I didn't-- I...

Yeah.

No, tell him
I'm holding for him.

Don't let him get away.

- Rose: You're so thirsty.
- Oh, my-- what?

What?!
What are you
doing here?

Well, obviously, I'm keeping
this plant alive.

- It's dying here.
- How did you get in here?

I have my own keys.
You forgot to change the locks.

Okay, I want
that key back, okay?
And you need to go.

This is not
a college dormitory

where you can visit
years later

and catch up on things.

We don't have
alumni weekends, okay?

I never should have
sold this house to you.

You're destroying it
and you're certainly
destroying this plant.

Okay, you listen to me,
Shapiro, all right?

- Get out!
- All right.

It's not your house!
It's my house!

I live here, not you!

What a fucking psycho.

( Susie crying out )

Fuck me, Tex!

( crying out )

You know how she got in?
She used her key.

- You didn't change the locks?
- I never changed the locks.

So crazy.

- Speaking of crazy.
- Yeah, I know.

- I mean, what the fuck?
- It is the new me.
I am all in.

- The boots, too?
- The boots, too.

I'm going
for the whole thing.

Women love it.
They go nuts.

The only downside
is I gotta keep
fucking my wife.

- Sick of it?
- Oh, so sick of it.

Yeah. Hey, we gotta talk about
this-- this meeting with Lin.

- Yeah.
- I gotta sit
behind the desk today.

- Oh, yeah.
- Change the whole dynamic.

Well, you just
don't wanna piss him off,
that's all I can say.

I'm not gonna piss him off,
but, you know, I need--
I need...

to wrest creative control
from him somehow.

He's taking over
the whole goddamn thing.

Did-- did you...

- Did you overhear what I--
- Yes, I did.

I hope you'll exercise
some receptionist discretion...

Just gotta keep it down.

Everybody's got
such a big mouth.

- Yeah.
- Nobody can hear anything
and keep it to themselves.

- Hey!
- ( laughs )
Oh, look at you.

- Nice.
- Jeff: Yeah.

Yeah, you can
pull that off.

- You're with this agency?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know
why I bother, though.

Yeah, it's enough
with the acting already.

How long do you have
to do it for?

- Why don't you quit? Huh?
- Nah, I got a few more parts
in me, come on.

Every time
I turn on the television,
I have to see you.

It's enough. Retire.
Why don't you retire?

- ( laughs ) Yeah.
Maybe I--
- Huh?

We gonna see you
this weekend?

Uh, no, actually,
I-- I'm not--

Cheryl and I
are going up to Tahoe.

- Oh, we-- we went there once.
- Yeah, I know.

She, uh--
she told me.

( laughing )

Something funny
happen in Tahoe?

No. Uh-uh.

- Something weird?
- No. Nope.

- I think something
happened in Tahoe.
- Nothing happened in Tahoe.

- What happened in Tahoe?
- Nothing happened in Tahoe,
Jeff, okay?

Can you look at me
and tell me nothing
happened in Tahoe?

- Nothing happened in Tahoe!
- Something happened in Tahoe!

- Nothing happened!
- Trust me, something happened.

- Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
- Oh! Hey.

- Great to see you.
- Good to see you.

Oh, great to see this.

This is developing.
I like it.

It's working really well.
Keep workshopping.
It's great.

- Hey, did you get the tickets
for the shucker?
- Oh, I asked.

They weren't--
they weren't able to do it.

- I'm sorry.
- They? Who's they?

Yeah, well,
you know, I mean,

if it were for you...
no problem.

You'd go as my guest.
It's my pleasure.

But a shucker you met once
who's good at shucking...

Well, he's not
just good at shucking;
he's great at shucking.

Again, for you, no problem.
In a second.

Anytime you wanna go,
please let me know.

Okay.
Yeah, okay, I'll go.

I'll-- I'll take
the tickets.

- You'll take them?
- Yeah.

- For the same day
that the shucker was...
- Yeah.

- Now they're for you?
- Yeah.

You'll be there
at the show?

Yeah. Yeah.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Are you really sure?

I'm really sure.

- Okay.
- Gentlemen, Aaron
just left the office.

You can have it
for your meeting.

- Let's go to work.
- Great.

( sotto voce )
I gotta get that desk.

So, um,
how do you like LA?

I like it okay.
Getting used to driving.

- Yeah.
Oh, d-- you drive?
- Yeah.

You-- do you have
a car in New York?

No, not in New York,
but I have one here
I've been renting.

- It's pretty great.
- Uh-huh.

Yeah, I'm getting used
to the traffic.

Yeah.
How come you don't have
a car in New York?

Oh, you don't need one
with the subway.

I know.
I wish they'd get
some kind of...

You know, I pretty much
take the train...

( both grunting )

( groaning )

( sighs )

"Fatwa!..."

- ( groans )
- "...the Musical."

Yeah, have a seat, guys.

I had
a couple of questions
about act two

and a couple of ideas
that I think are really
gonna help us.

You know,
there's always a bit of a drag
in the middle of act two

and I think we can attack that
in a really innovative way.

- Do you have
a pad and a pen?
- Yeah, sure.

( snaps fingers )
I'll have, uh, Lucy
get that for you.

Lucy?

Leon:
Come on, Larry.
Spit that shit out.

What happened in Tahoe?

Listen, you can ask
as many questions
as you want.

You are not going
to find out from me
what happened in Tahoe.

- ( groans )
- If you really wanted to
find out, go ask Ted Danson.

Okay? Let me
tell you something.

There's just
no discretion anymore.

I had to give
that fucking shucker
two tickets to "Hamilton."

Who knows if he's gonna
keep his trap shut?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, and by the way,

you were at the table
the other night.

Bridget-- you heard that,
what she was going on about.

- That's some good-ass
dick stories, man.
- Horrifying.

She could be talking
that way about me.

If you're so goddamn
worried about it,

make her sign an agreement
that she won't fucking talk.

What do you mean,
like a nondisclosure
agreement?

Fucking non-disclosure.
Make her sign that shit.

You know, they have it
for housekeepers.

You know, then--
so they can't talk
about it.

They should
have that for sex.

They should have it
for sex, but they don't.

People don't sign
"fuck documents."

- If you nervous
about your johnson...
- ( knocking on door )

...make her sign
some shit.

( sighs )

- Take it.
- Huh?

I'm done.

- You all right?
- No, I'm not.
I'm not all right.

- Oh, Jesus.
- Can we sit down?

- Yeah, yeah.
Come in here.
- All right.

Jeff:
Susie sprained my dick.

- What?
- Wearing that hat has been
nothing but a curse for me.

She took my dick to places
it wasn't meant to go.

So far to the right,
so far to the left.

- Back and forth.
- You need a dick
chiropractor.

- Dick chiropractor?
There's dick chiropractors?
- Yeah.

- Of course there are.
- Really?

You know how many times
I fucked my dick up?

- Several times.
- Oh, it's just--

it's the worst thing
I've ever experienced.

I'm taking these.
I'm popping these.

This just cuts the pain.

- Do you have any extra?
- Yeah, sure.

- Lin-Manuel landed
on my shoulder.
- I remember.

- I'm in terrible pain.
- Yeah, I remember.

- But be careful.
- Thank you.

Those are really strong.

Take them only
if you need them.

- Okay. Okay.
- Okay?

Hey! Great news.

I've been so focused
on my dick,

I forgot to tell you
the good news.

The good news is
I talked to his agent.

Lin-Manuel Miranda
is in.

- Oh! Wow, yeah.
Hey. Great.
- Yeah! Yeah!

- Yeah! Yeah!
- Yeah, all right.

- I'm not surprised.
- I told you, I said
it was a sure thing.

He's getting
everything he wants.
Why shouldn't he be in?

I got Funkhouser invested.
I got Lewis invested.

Of course,
I'm still invested.

- Oh, yeah!
- Leon: Wow.

- Huh? What do you think?
- Oh, yeah!

- Wow. Fab.
- You like it?

- I gotta check it out
in the mirror.
- Check it out.

Leon:
He looks like a smart sheriff
who's also a doctor.

He'll shoot you,
then he'll stitch
your ass up.

Oh, my God!

She took the plant!

- Fuck!
- Mrs. Shapiro
took the plant!

- That's fucked up.
- Oh, my God, that is insane!

She didn't put
her old-ass foot
on the door,

but that's still
a home invasion.

Yeah. No,
I know what it is,

but, I mean, she is--
you know, she's mental.

- She's out of her mind.
- She didn't have to steal.

A home invasion's
a fucking home invasion,
you know?

That's a home invasion.

She came in your house
without permission.

You-- you better
get rid of the do-rag.

Black man showing up
at her door with a do-rag?

- She'll have a heart attack.
- ( chuckles ) She'll be fine.

It's in the same family
as a scarf, as a ascot,
as a pocket square.

- Same fucking family.
- I don't think

that's in the scarf, ascot,
pocket square family.

The same goddamn family.
Are you kidding me?

( stutters )
I don't like the optics.

She's gonna be fine.
I promise you, man.

Fuck that.
Knock on that shit
aggressively.

The hell
you give a fuck about--
this some bullshit.

Oh!
What are you doing here?
Two of you?

- Hey! My plant.
- Wait-- wait a minute.

- ( Leon scoffs )
- That's not your plant.

- Yeah.
- That's my plant.

Oh, no,
it's not your plant.

You came to my house
and you stole my plant.
Come on.

I'm saving this plant.

I'm letting it live
and flourish.

- You were letting it die.
- Oh, come on.

Don't give us
that green thumb shit.

- ( barks )
- Oh!

See, my dog
doesn't like you at all.

Bella will bite you
on the ankles.

I'll tell you what.
We're gonna take that dog
or this plant.

Oh, no, you're not
taking my dog.

- You're not touching my dog.
- What? No, you're not
taking the dog.

- Why not?
- You think I want
that dog in my house?

- I take the dog--
- What?

- What are you, crazy?
- Why not?

- Who's gonna walk it?
- We'll take turns.

I'm not taking turns.

I'm not walking the dog.
You gonna pick up its shit?

- I'll take care of it.
- You'll take care of it?

Yeah, that's what
8-year-olds say when
they wanna get a dog.

"I'll take care of it."
And they don't do
a goddamn thing.

See, you guys can't
even make up your minds

what you're gonna do,
so why don't you just leave?

Wait, who's that?

That's Myron,
my dearly departed husband.

You know what?
Let's take his hat.

No, you're not
taking his hat.

No,
take the whole goddamn head.
Take the whole fucking head.

- The head? The whole head?
- The whole goddamn head.

- You think I want
that head in my house?
- I don't want the fucking hat.

- The hat is dumb as hell.
- I'm-- big shot, I'd rather
have the hat than the head.

I'm not gonna take the head.
I don't want that monstrosity
in my house.

He's a lot better-looking
than you.

- Oh, is that so?
- Mm-hmm.

- I'm an Uber four, okay?
- Well, Myron was an Uber five.

- ( barking, growling )
- ( scoffs ) He's not a five.

- Hey.
- Let's get the fuck
out of here.

Okay, you know what?

You haven't
heard the last of me
about this, all right?

Don't go into people's homes
and steal their plants.

- I'll see you in court.
- The hell you will!

- ( phone ringing )
- Hello?

- Hi, Larry.
It's Lin Miranda.
- Oh, hey.

I'm sure you heard it
from-- from Jeff already,
but I'm in.

- That's great news.
- I'm clearing my schedule.

It's gonna be you and me
writing this thing
toe to tip.

You know what, Lin, I think
we're in pretty good shape.

We don't need to get
into the weeds on this thing.

- The weeds
are where the good stuff is.
- Very dangerous in the weeds.

You can get
Lyme disease in there
if you're not careful.

There's treasure in the weeds
and we'll pick for ticks after.

The verses
are gonna be satanic.

- Okay.
- Well, the other piece
of good news

is that my wife, Vanessa,
and her friend

are gonna be at "Hamilton"
the same night as you.

- Oh.
- So, she'll be sitting
right next to you at the show.

She's going?

Yeah,
she's using the other half
of my house seats,

so you'll be
right next to her.

And, I mean,
she's gonna see you
'cause you're going.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, well,
if she's going,

she'll see me
because I'm going.

Of course.
The ticket's for you.

Yes, you got
the ticket for me

and-- and I will use
the ticket you got for me,

and as a result,
I-- I will be there.

I'm really excited
for you guys to meet.

"Fatwa!"
See you in the weeds, buddy.

( phone beeps )

Ah, Shucker.

( knocking on door )

No, I'll be right there.
I'll be right there.

- Oh, hi.
- ( music playing, chatter )

What's going on here?

Oh, it's just
a little party.

- How come I wasn't invited?
- To the party?

Yeah,
why wasn't I invited?

You just had dinner
at my house.

I know.
That was so nice
and we had a great time.

Okay, so how come
you're not inviting me?

Where's the reciprocity?

Well, I'm gonna reciprocate,
but not this one.

You're gonna reciprocate?
This was the opportunity
to reciprocate.

Come to the party!
I want you to come in
and really warm it up.

I don't wanna go--
I don't wanna go
to the party.

- Now you have to go.
- I wouldn't have come
even if I was invited.

- Then what are you doing here?
- What did you tell Ted
about Tahoe?

- Tahoe?
- Because, um, he told me that
you two were going to Tahoe.

- We are going to Tahoe.
- And I said we had
been there.

- Right.
- And he said, "Yeah, I know,"
and he snickered, okay?

Leading me to believe
that you discussed it
with him.

No offense to you,

but Ted and I don't need
to sit around

talking about
what you and I did
in hotel rooms.

I just don't understand
why you're talking Tahoe
to Ted.

- I wasn't talking Tahoe to Ted.
- No, you did talk Tahoe to Ted.

Otherwise
there'd be no reason
for Ted to talk Tahoe.

- What did he say?
- He-- he said you two
were going.

So what?
That is not talking Tahoe.

That is mentioning a trip
that's about to happen.

- Is he here?
- No, he's shooting.

More shooting?
Another job?

When's it gonna end?

Who's that?
Is that the Shucker?

Oh, yeah.
That's the Shucker
from your party.

Larry:
Ah, I gotta talk to him.

- Hey, there he is.
- Hey. Yeah.

I just wanna thank you
for those "Hamilton" tickets.

I cannot wait.
Over the moon.

Um, guess what.
I got your hat.

Oh, thank God,
because I've been sick
without my hat.

- Where is it?
- Yeah, it's-- it's in my car.

So, um, if you can get
a little break,

- we can go take a walk,
and I'll give it to you.
- Sure, that'd be great.

And, uh, I got
another little thing
I wanna talk to you about.

Ted is shooting
a limited series
in Vancouver.

I'm borrowing your Shucker
for two minutes.

Ma'am.

Shucker:
There it is.

- Oh, baby. ( chuckles )
- Oh, fuck.( groans )

Come to Papa.

Oh, I have missed you.
( clicks tongue )

Well, got my hat.

Thanks again
for those tickets.

Yeah, that's kind of what
I wanna talk to you about.

Um, Lin called me up,

told me his wife
was gonna be sitting
next to me.

He thinks
the tickets are for me,
and so I have to go now.

So, I need--
sorry to say,
I need the tickets back.

Well, what do you mean?
That's-- that's like a--
that's like a bad horse trade.

- What are you talking about?
- How are you gonna show up
and sit-- sit there?

Because
if she sees you there,

I am gonna be
in a lot of trouble.

- All right.
- Come on.

- All right, I'll get you
your tickets.
- Yeah?

For $2,500.

Take it or leave it.

You're quite a prick,
aren't you?

It's the Shucker's way.

I don't have
that kind of cash on me.

It's okay,
we take credit cards.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Man on TV:
Jarvis isn't living up

to his potential.

What's on?

"Chicago Teachers."

- No!
- Yeah!

- ( sighs )
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, yeah.
- It's worse than the other
thing we were watching.

They don't try
to curse that much

on that one, though,
so it's okay.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

- Oh, that's good.
- What do you wanna do?

- What do I wanna do?
- Mm-hmm.

- You mean right now?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh.

I mean, if we could do
anything right now,

what would it be?

- ( smacks lips )
- Sexually.

- Well...
- Mm-hmm?

- Uh...
- What?

- You know.
- Tell me.

I just like
to get an erection,
put it in a vagina.

- That's a--
- That's it?

That's about it, yeah.

That's your
biggest fantasy?

I would just
get on the top

and thrust
until orgasm.

- Hmm.
- I'm sexually
a very simple man.

Oh.

Hmm.

- But there is something
that can change that.
- Oh.

- I got something.
I got something...
- There we go.

- Ooh! Oh!
- ...that's
pretty interesting.

- There you go.
- ( chuckling )

This is a relationship
nondisclosure agreement?

- Yeah.
- Is this a joke?

No, no.

You-- this is
a nondisclosure agreement

that you want me to sign?

Yeah, we both--
we both have to sign it.

This is terrible!
This is-- what's wrong
with you?

It's-- it's just
a discretion thing.
You know, it's a--

"Partners prohibited
from disclosing the quality
of the sexual experience

or the degree
of satisfaction attained"?

- It's fairly boilerplate.
- There is no boilerplate,
Larry.

This has never
existed before.

- This is insane.
- I know, it's brilliant.

- It's not brilliant.
- It locks in discretion, it's--

"Partners shall not
divulge any details

including the use of toys,
lotions, ointments..."

What are you
talking about?

- Fantastic idea.
- Larry, you are out
of your mind.

- No, uh--
- This is horrible.

It'll be great
for our sex life.

- We can-- we can go wild.
- No, it won't.

This is a great idea.
I-- I wish I thought of it
years ago!

I wish
my ex-wife had signed one,
I can tell you that!

'Cause I know she's talking,
she's blabbing.

She's telling
Ted Danson everything.

What happened in Tahoe--

she's told him
what happened in Tahoe!

You're presenting me
with a legal document.

It's the least sexy thing
anyone has ever done, ever!

- It's like a prenup!
- Bye.

You're not thinking
this through!

This is a good-- good idea!
Bridget! Bridget!

Bridget, if we had this,
it'll take the boredom away!

Sign this and you'll
have the wildest sex
you ever imagined!

- No.
- Just sign it!

- No.
- Orgasms galore!

That's what
I'm promising you, baby!

Orgasms galore!
You won't regret it!

I'm not signing
your dumb piece of paper,
Larry.

Should've known
this was not gonna work out.

Eddie never liked you!

Oh, the-- the kid
you pretended has Asperger's?

It is not pretend.
He has Asperger's.

What's your excuse?

( sighs )

( tapping )
You're missing out
on Tahoe Larry!

( music playing )

Announcer:
You are about to enter

the courtroom
of Judge Judith Sheindlin.

This is "Judge Judy."

Larry David
is suing Rose Shapiro

for trespassing at his home
and stealing his ficus plant.

Larry David says
that Mrs. Shapiro

has made him feel unsafe
in his own home.

The defendant
is countersuing Mr. David

for sole custody of the plant
on grounds of plant abuse.

Petri:
All rise.

Oh, my God.

Your Honor, it's case number 249
on the calendar in the matter
of David vs. Shapiro.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome, Judge.

Parties have been sworn in.
You may be seated.

Oh, my fucking God!

- Judy: When was that?
- Five years ago.

Subsequently,
several weeks ago,

you, without invitation,

- came into the house.
- Oh...

( chuckles )
That's him!

That's the guy.
That's the guy I was
telling you about.

This is the guy you had
all those sex stories about?

Yes, that's
Larry Long Balls.

Finally,
I shoo her away.

She comes back
another time, uninvited,

uses her key,
steals the plant.

Miss Shapiro, I see that
you have some evidence here.

This is the way
the plant looked

- when I found it in his house.
- ( courtroom gasps )

- I wanna object.
Objection.
- Larry: Yeah.

- Total objection to that plant.
- Judy: Just a second.

Who are you?

This is Leon Black.
He's-- he's my witness.

Does he have
any relevant information

that would help--
that would help your case?

I do.
This plant
is like a person.

Certain parts of the year,
that plant turns darker,
like myself.

When I go to Florida,
I turn a little darker,
a shade darker.

Most of the time I carry myself
in a mocha tone,

but there are some--
some parts of the year
when I'm more mahogany.

Let's get finished
with the various tones
of Mr. Black

and let's move on
to something else.

Your Honor,
is it possible
I could pace

while you're asking me
the questions?

Would you put him
in his seat?

- Mrs. Shapiro.
- Rose: Yes?

You have another exhibit
underneath that

to show me what the plant
looks like now?

- Yes, I do.
- Larry: Anybody want
a cough drop?

You want one, Judge?
Judge Sheindlin?

You want a cough drop?

It's so hard to be fair.

Byrd, give her
a cough drop.

So, this is the guy
you're working with?

- Judy: Go-- shh! Uh!
- Yeah.

Judy:
You went back
to Mr. David's home...

- ( water pouring )
- ...and you stole the plant.

I would say rather
than stole, rescued.

Judge, yoo-hoo!
Is this filtered?

I don't know.
What is he asking me?

- Petri:
If it's filtered, Judge.
- It's...

- Larry: Is it filtered?
- Yes, it's filtered.

I'm sorry.
That is not filtered water.

Don't drink it.
Don't drink it.
Put it down.

What are you
putting unfiltered water--
tap water on the table for?

That's it. That's it.
I'm done.

Mr. David,
while I understand

that Mrs. Shapiro
did the wrong thing,

I can only say
to you, sir,

that anyone who would
neglect a plant

in that fashion
doesn't deserve to have it.

- Your case is dismissed.
- ( gavel pounds )

We're done.
There you go.

- This is-- what?
- Good-bye.

Petri:
Parties are excused.
You may step out.

This is crazy!
I'm-- I'm shocked, shocked!

Are we no better than the--
the beasts in the field?

And by beasts,
I'm not talking about
the-- the chicken.

I'm talking about the oxen
and the-- the donkey...

- Oh, un-fucking-believable.
- ...with its slack-jawed
stare and...

- What's going on?
- Susie: Oh, nothing.

- ( TV turns off )
- Come on into bed, cowboy.

( toothbrush clatters )

Yes, ma'am.

( chatter )

( horn honking )

Forget it, forget it.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Hello.
- Vanessa.

- Hi, Vanessa.
- So nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.
I'm Larry David.
- Hi, Larry, yeah.

Hi. I'm bald, I wear glasses,
and-- and this is my ticket.

- ( chuckles )
- Here to see the show.
I'm very excited.

I'm right here.
I'm sitting right
next to you.

- How about that?
- Yeah.

This is my friend,
Joanna, from college.

- Hi.
- Hello, hi.

- Larry.
- Nice to meet you.

I'm not a shucker.

- ( Joanna chuckles )
- I enjoy clams. I do.

I like oysters,
but I don't shuck.

I know a shucker,
but that doesn't mean

that the shucker's
gonna be here.

I'm here,
not the shucker.

Do you like clams
and oysters?

- They're okay.
- Yeah, okay.

Well, but if you eat them,
somebody's gotta shuck them.

Lin is so excited
about "Fatwa!"

- Oh, "Fatwa!"
Come on!
- Yeah.

This is gonna be
a big thing, though.

He's so excited.

He can't wait
to just get in there

and start rewriting.

He shouldn't be
getting into there,

he should be
getting into you,

and I don't mean that
in a sexual way.

I mean it
in terms of time.

Don't-- don't get
into the weeds of the show.

Get into your weeds,
again not sexual,

but delve into you,
you know.

And again,
delve into you--

nonsexual delving
is what I'm saying.

A nonsexual delve.

Ay, gosh.

Shoulder.
Killing me.

How'd you hurt
your shoulder?

Wrestling with Lin
in his agent's office.

- He threw me to the ground.
- Seriously?

Yeah, yeah.

( chuckles )

I've got pain pills.
My friend gave me pain pills.

- Fantastic!
- You want some water?

- Thank you.
- Here you go.

Oh, you can keep it.

- ( music playing )
- ( applause, cheering )

♪ How does a bastard,
orphan ♪

♪ Son of a whore
and a Scotsman ♪

- ♪ Dropped in the middle
of a forgotten... ♪
- ( yawns )

♪ Spot in the Caribbean
by providence ♪

♪ Impoverished,
in squalor ♪

♪ Grow up to be a hero
and a scholar? ♪

- ♪ So,
what happens if we win? ♪
- ♪ I go back to France ♪

♪ I'll bring
freedom to my people
if I'm given a chance ♪

- ♪ We'll be
with you when you do ♪
- ♪ Go lead your men ♪

- ♪ I'll see you
on the other side... ♪
- ( snoring )

- ♪ Till we meet again ♪
- ♪ I am not throwing away
my shot ♪

- ♪ I am not throwing
away my shot... ♪
- Hey!

♪ Hey, yo, I'm just like
my country, I'm young,
scrappy, and hungry ♪

♪ And I'm not throwing away
my shot ♪

♪ I am not
throwing away my shot ♪

♪ Till the world
turns upside down ♪

♪ Till the world
turns upside down ♪

♪ I imagine death so much,
it feels more like a memory ♪

♪ This is where it gets me,
on my feet, the enemy
ahead of me ♪

♪ If this is the end of me,
at least I have a friend
with me ♪

♪ Weapon in my hand, a command
and my men with me... ♪

( snoring )

( theme music playing )

LARRY DAVID: I've known
Sammi since she was born.

One of the great joys
in my life

has been watching
her blossom.

I wouldn't miss her wedding.

Aw, Lar, that's so sweet.
Are you serious?

No.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

This is my cousin Valentine

-and her husband Lawrence.
-LARRY: Hey.

They've got the directions
to your place?

-Yeah, yeah. This is Leon.
-Hello, Leon.

They make that bag for men?

Yes. This bag is made
for men, women,

anybody who enjoys carrying
things around.

I'm sorry, we can't seat you
until your entire party arrives.

Why?

Makes for the optimal
dining experience.

Okay, you know what the optimal
dining experience is?

To eat when you're hungry.

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪