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1
00:00:06,847 --> 00:00:09,764
( theme music playing )
2
00:00:21,556 --> 00:00:23,473
( kissing )
3
00:00:24,930 --> 00:00:26,473
Uh-huh.
4
00:00:29,431 --> 00:00:32,306
( sighs )
5
00:00:32,306 --> 00:00:33,680
Come on.
6
00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:37,139
I can't look at that.
Take it away.
7
00:00:37,139 --> 00:00:39,473
- ( window opens )
- Hey, I'm trying to work.
8
00:00:39,473 --> 00:00:41,056
Sorry,
what's your problem?
9
00:00:41,056 --> 00:00:43,805
No one wants to see this.
It's very disturbing.
10
00:00:43,805 --> 00:00:45,473
Two people aren't
allowed to be happy?
11
00:00:45,473 --> 00:00:46,930
Well, you're allowed
to be happy,
12
00:00:46,930 --> 00:00:48,764
but not in front of me,
so let's move it down.
13
00:00:48,764 --> 00:00:50,306
- Okay.
- All right.
14
00:00:50,306 --> 00:00:51,680
Good.
Thank you.
15
00:00:54,639 --> 00:00:56,389
Uh, excuse me,
Señor Larry.
16
00:00:56,389 --> 00:00:59,306
All the lights in here
and in the hallway,
they're all fixed.
17
00:00:59,306 --> 00:01:01,473
You no have no more humming,
no more vibrating.
18
00:01:01,473 --> 00:01:03,722
- Everything is fixed.
- Oh! Cesar, thank you so much.
19
00:01:03,722 --> 00:01:05,847
That was driving me crazy,
that humming.
20
00:01:05,847 --> 00:01:08,056
Anything else
you need from me,
you give me a call
21
00:01:08,056 --> 00:01:09,972
and I'll come here
and fix it right away, okay?
22
00:01:09,972 --> 00:01:11,348
Oh, hey, Cesar.
23
00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:16,764
- That's for you.
- Oh. Oh, no, no, Señor Larry.
I cannot accept that money.
24
00:01:16,764 --> 00:01:18,473
This is my job.
This is what I do.
25
00:01:18,473 --> 00:01:20,556
It's a little bonus
for you, a little extra.
Take it.
26
00:01:20,556 --> 00:01:23,639
Oh, it means--
it means a lot to me,
Mr. Larry,
27
00:01:23,639 --> 00:01:25,181
but I cannot take this.
28
00:01:25,181 --> 00:01:27,056
I-- I just don't
feel comfortable.
29
00:01:27,056 --> 00:01:29,264
- This is what I do, sir.
- ( scoffs )
30
00:01:29,264 --> 00:01:32,972
Oh, Cesar, this is--
this is unprecedented!
31
00:01:32,972 --> 00:01:36,181
This is rarer than
a man turning down sex,
what you've just done.
32
00:01:36,181 --> 00:01:37,722
It just--
it doesn't happen!
33
00:01:37,722 --> 00:01:39,889
( chuckles )
Okay, Señor Larry.
34
00:01:39,889 --> 00:01:41,722
I've never turned down
sex in my life.
35
00:01:41,722 --> 00:01:43,431
( chuckles )
Me neither.
36
00:01:43,431 --> 00:01:47,222
Huh! Cesar, this will not
be forgotten anytime soon.
37
00:01:47,222 --> 00:01:49,598
- Have a nice day.
- Very commendable.
38
00:01:51,306 --> 00:01:53,097
Larry:
So now, for some reason,
39
00:01:53,097 --> 00:01:55,556
Funkhouser's gotten back
together with this woman.
40
00:01:55,556 --> 00:01:57,722
- I don't know why.
She hates my guts.
- Aww.
41
00:01:57,722 --> 00:01:59,889
But nevertheless,
he wants to go to brunch
42
00:01:59,889 --> 00:02:03,514
and see if we can
all get along, you know,
so it's gonna be very awkward.
43
00:02:03,514 --> 00:02:05,097
Just because
of the tap water?
44
00:02:05,097 --> 00:02:07,930
- Tap water, yes.
Tap water.
- Wow.
45
00:02:07,930 --> 00:02:09,722
Hey, Eddie, breakfast!
46
00:02:09,722 --> 00:02:10,722
( whispers )
Wow, tap water.
47
00:02:10,722 --> 00:02:11,764
Here you go,
sweetie.
48
00:02:11,764 --> 00:02:13,014
Wow, look at
the young man today!
49
00:02:13,014 --> 00:02:14,722
Very nice hoodie
you got there.
50
00:02:14,722 --> 00:02:16,556
Mom, you're still
dating this guy?
51
00:02:16,556 --> 00:02:19,181
- Yes, honey--
- Yes, and she's
enjoying it very much.
52
00:02:19,181 --> 00:02:21,097
- Take your toast.
- Where's the butter?
53
00:02:21,097 --> 00:02:23,514
It's right there,
quite visible.
54
00:02:23,514 --> 00:02:26,222
I can't see the butter.
Do it again.
55
00:02:26,222 --> 00:02:28,473
( sighs )
He needs to see
the butter.
56
00:02:28,473 --> 00:02:30,930
- I'll eat this one
and I'll make you another one.
- ( sighs )
57
00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:35,680
- Are you two having sex?
- That's Mommy's business.
58
00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:37,972
It's not really your business,
but to tell you the truth,
59
00:02:37,972 --> 00:02:40,264
it's imminent, okay?
60
00:02:40,264 --> 00:02:41,556
Gross.
61
00:02:43,639 --> 00:02:46,014
( sighs )
Sorry, he's really been
having a tough time lately.
62
00:02:46,014 --> 00:02:48,097
I-- I don't know
how you let him get away
with that toast thing.
63
00:02:48,097 --> 00:02:50,722
This kid needs
some structure in his life.
He needs some discipline!
64
00:02:50,722 --> 00:02:52,514
- I know, I know.
- You're not tough enough.
65
00:02:52,514 --> 00:02:55,181
I-- I know.
There's this
private school, and, uh...
66
00:02:55,181 --> 00:02:59,097
I've been thinking about
sending him, but it's really
tough to get into, and...
67
00:02:59,097 --> 00:03:00,556
I wanted to ask you
a question.
68
00:03:00,556 --> 00:03:02,847
Please say no if this
is at all inappropriate,
69
00:03:02,847 --> 00:03:06,181
but Susie happened to mention
this very same school,
Pemberton Academy,
70
00:03:06,181 --> 00:03:07,639
where I'm trying
to get him in.
71
00:03:07,639 --> 00:03:09,639
You had donated
some "Seinfeld" stuff there.
72
00:03:09,639 --> 00:03:12,181
My assistant
takes care of all that.
I just, you know.
73
00:03:12,181 --> 00:03:15,514
- Okay, I just didn't know
if you knew somebody, or...
- Nah, I really don't.
74
00:03:15,514 --> 00:03:18,097
- That's fine, that's fine.
- If I could help, I would,
but I don't know.
75
00:03:18,097 --> 00:03:21,014
You know, I feel
weird about sending him
to boarding school anyway.
76
00:03:23,056 --> 00:03:25,097
- Boarding school?
- Yeah.
77
00:03:25,097 --> 00:03:28,556
- How far away is it?
- It's about an hour
and a half.
78
00:03:28,556 --> 00:03:31,514
I actually think
it would be the best for him,
but it would be hard for me
79
00:03:31,514 --> 00:03:33,306
- just to be rattling around--
- I completely agree with you.
80
00:03:33,306 --> 00:03:35,139
I think it would be
a fantastic thing for him.
81
00:03:35,139 --> 00:03:37,764
- Do you, really?
- It's gotta be the--
you know what?
82
00:03:37,764 --> 00:03:40,805
Get me a name,
get me a number--
whatever I can do to help.
83
00:03:40,805 --> 00:03:41,889
- No.
- Yes!
84
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:43,889
Give me some information,
done!
85
00:03:43,889 --> 00:03:46,014
That's really nice
of you, Larry.
86
00:03:46,014 --> 00:03:48,598
Thank you so much.
It's gonna be so good for him.
87
00:03:48,598 --> 00:03:53,722
Look, if I can send him
an hour and a half away,
I'm... more than happy to.
88
00:03:56,514 --> 00:03:58,639
- Larry: If I got
those glasses...
- Bridget: Yeah?
89
00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:00,514
We'd be--
we'd be twins.
90
00:04:00,514 --> 00:04:02,556
That would be
kind of hideous,
wouldn't it?
91
00:04:02,556 --> 00:04:05,014
Have you ever seen a couple
with the same glasses?
92
00:04:05,014 --> 00:04:07,431
By the way, when I say couple,
I'm not referring to us
as a couple.
93
00:04:07,431 --> 00:04:10,348
- Yeah, excuse me.
What are you-- hold on.
- No, no, I'm not going there.
94
00:04:10,348 --> 00:04:13,514
We're-- I--
you have not bought me
the same glasses.
95
00:04:13,514 --> 00:04:16,847
We don't have it
like that just yet,
my friend.
96
00:04:16,847 --> 00:04:18,056
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
97
00:04:18,056 --> 00:04:19,181
Can I bring you some water
while you wait?
98
00:04:19,181 --> 00:04:20,805
Still or sparkling?
99
00:04:20,805 --> 00:04:23,014
- Sparkling. Yeah.
- Yeah, sparkling.
100
00:04:23,014 --> 00:04:25,514
Ugh, boy,
I can't tell you,
I'm so relieved.
101
00:04:25,514 --> 00:04:28,473
Thanks again
for helping me out with
the boarding school thing.
102
00:04:28,473 --> 00:04:30,930
So, before I call
the, um...
103
00:04:30,930 --> 00:04:33,389
- Pemberton.
- Pemberton, yes.
Pemberton.
104
00:04:33,389 --> 00:04:37,722
Do they-- do they know
about the, uh, Asperger's?
105
00:04:37,722 --> 00:04:39,930
Oh, yeah, mm-hmm.
Yeah, they're a great school.
106
00:04:39,930 --> 00:04:44,514
They're-- they can--
they're just equipped to handle
all kinds of special kids.
107
00:04:44,514 --> 00:04:47,056
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
108
00:04:47,056 --> 00:04:50,473
Has he been diagnosed
by a doctor, or is this
your opinion?
109
00:04:50,473 --> 00:04:54,805
He's on the spectrum.
( chuckles ) Yeah.
110
00:04:54,805 --> 00:04:56,598
How do you know?
111
00:04:56,598 --> 00:05:00,389
You can see in his behavior
and what people have said,
and, you know--
112
00:05:00,389 --> 00:05:02,056
he's, you know--
113
00:05:02,056 --> 00:05:05,847
he's been diagnosed
on the-- on the spectrum.
114
00:05:08,930 --> 00:05:10,056
Okay.
115
00:05:10,056 --> 00:05:11,972
- ( phone ringing )
- Oh.
116
00:05:14,222 --> 00:05:16,181
- Hello?
- Cesar: Señor Larry,
117
00:05:16,181 --> 00:05:18,014
it's Cesar
from the office.
118
00:05:18,014 --> 00:05:19,431
- Who?
- Cesar!
119
00:05:19,431 --> 00:05:21,805
You gave me the tip
and I didn't take it?
120
00:05:21,805 --> 00:05:23,680
Yeah?
121
00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:26,181
I'm here
at the office building,
fixing a leak,
122
00:05:26,181 --> 00:05:28,264
and I was just wondering,
after I'm done,
123
00:05:28,264 --> 00:05:31,764
I could go to your office
and watch the Argentina
and Mexico game.
124
00:05:31,764 --> 00:05:35,014
It's a very important game.
It's for-- to qualify
in the World Cup.
125
00:05:35,014 --> 00:05:37,847
Why-- why--
why do you have to go--
why my office?
126
00:05:37,847 --> 00:05:40,639
Because you got
all the channels, sir.
127
00:05:40,639 --> 00:05:43,972
- Yeah... yeah, okay.
- Gracias, Señor Larry!
128
00:05:43,972 --> 00:05:47,097
I will not forget this.
You are the man.
129
00:05:47,097 --> 00:05:49,014
- Okay.
- Who's that?
130
00:05:49,014 --> 00:05:52,639
- This handyman
in my office building...
- Uh-huh.
131
00:05:52,639 --> 00:05:55,847
...wants to go into my office
to watch a soccer game.
132
00:05:55,847 --> 00:05:57,764
I offered him a tip,
but he didn't take the tip,
133
00:05:57,764 --> 00:06:01,348
so I feel like
I'm a little obligated
to let him watch the game.
134
00:06:01,348 --> 00:06:02,431
It's tricky.
135
00:06:02,431 --> 00:06:04,264
- Hello!
- Oh, hey!
136
00:06:04,264 --> 00:06:05,473
Sorry we're late.
137
00:06:05,473 --> 00:06:06,514
- Hi, I'm Marilyn.
- LD.
138
00:06:06,514 --> 00:06:07,930
- Hi!
- Hi, nice to meet you.
139
00:06:07,930 --> 00:06:09,847
- Yes, hi.
- Hi. Marty Funkhouser.
140
00:06:09,847 --> 00:06:11,639
- Hi, great to meet you.
- Great to meet you!
141
00:06:11,639 --> 00:06:14,514
So, I-- I just wanna say,
before we begin,
142
00:06:14,514 --> 00:06:18,805
I-- I'd like to apologize
for what happened between us.
143
00:06:18,805 --> 00:06:22,181
That is not
a true representation
of who I am.
144
00:06:22,181 --> 00:06:24,097
- Let's start fresh.
- That means a lot to me.
Okay.
145
00:06:24,097 --> 00:06:26,139
- Yes! Yes!
- Yes, let's do it.
146
00:06:26,139 --> 00:06:28,972
Some sparkling water
for the table?
147
00:06:28,972 --> 00:06:32,764
No, no. We-- no,
we don't want that.
We want some tap water.
148
00:06:32,764 --> 00:06:35,014
- You don't want sparkling?
- No, get that out of here.
Tap.
149
00:06:35,014 --> 00:06:36,972
- Well, it's unfiltered.
- Better.
150
00:06:36,972 --> 00:06:38,598
Water is water.
We're not water snobs.
151
00:06:38,598 --> 00:06:40,014
- Server: Very good.
- Larry: We don't care.
152
00:06:40,014 --> 00:06:41,389
While you bring the tap,
153
00:06:41,389 --> 00:06:43,222
bring us the best
bottle of champagne
154
00:06:43,222 --> 00:06:44,847
you have in the house
to drink.
155
00:06:44,847 --> 00:06:46,431
- ( all cheering )
- Okay?
156
00:06:46,431 --> 00:06:47,847
We're gonna live it up!
157
00:06:47,847 --> 00:06:50,722
- ( chuckles )
- Yeah, you know, sure.
158
00:06:50,722 --> 00:06:52,847
Thank you, Larry.
I really appreciate
your apology.
159
00:06:52,847 --> 00:06:54,847
- Larry: Oh, yes.
- No, it means a lot to me.
160
00:06:54,847 --> 00:06:56,264
And some tap water
for the table.
161
00:06:56,264 --> 00:06:57,930
Tap water for the table.
Look at this.
162
00:06:57,930 --> 00:07:00,389
Look at this
beautiful tap water.
We got some here...
163
00:07:05,556 --> 00:07:07,431
- Ah, look at that.
- Mmm.
164
00:07:07,431 --> 00:07:08,930
Ah, it really looks good.
165
00:07:08,930 --> 00:07:11,889
( people chattering )
166
00:07:11,889 --> 00:07:13,598
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh, come on, buddy.
167
00:07:13,598 --> 00:07:15,097
- There's a line.
- There's a line.
168
00:07:15,097 --> 00:07:16,264
You can't
just walk up here.
169
00:07:16,264 --> 00:07:18,139
Come on, man,
you're being rude.
170
00:07:18,139 --> 00:07:20,722
- They're in line.
- Man: You gotta get
to the back, buddy.
171
00:07:20,722 --> 00:07:23,722
- I'm just
getting some potatoes.
- Woman: I don't care.
172
00:07:23,722 --> 00:07:25,348
One-- one minute!
173
00:07:25,348 --> 00:07:28,431
One minute!
Just a minute!
174
00:07:28,431 --> 00:07:29,764
Are you getting seconds?
175
00:07:29,764 --> 00:07:31,389
Yes, sir.
176
00:07:31,389 --> 00:07:33,056
The man
is getting seconds.
177
00:07:33,056 --> 00:07:35,014
- It doesn't matter.
- But that's not a rule.
178
00:07:35,014 --> 00:07:38,139
The man has already
waited on this line.
179
00:07:38,139 --> 00:07:41,222
- Larry, we're hungry.
- Larry: We're all hungry.
180
00:07:41,222 --> 00:07:42,389
I'm hungry, too!
181
00:07:42,389 --> 00:07:43,847
But to make him wait
182
00:07:43,847 --> 00:07:47,639
another 10 minutes
for a few measly potatoes?
183
00:07:47,639 --> 00:07:49,930
- Shame on you!
Shame on all of you!
- Okay.
184
00:07:49,930 --> 00:07:52,431
That's not how we do things
here in America.
185
00:07:52,431 --> 00:07:56,473
We don't wait for seconds!
Never, never wait for seconds!
186
00:07:56,473 --> 00:07:58,930
- ( whispering )
- It's fine, it's good.
It's fine.
187
00:07:58,930 --> 00:08:02,264
Sir, I would be proud
to serve you.
188
00:08:02,264 --> 00:08:04,473
- What do you want?
- Potatoes.
189
00:08:06,556 --> 00:08:09,056
- Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
- Woman: Sure, sure.
190
00:08:09,056 --> 00:08:11,680
You're welcome.
191
00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:14,764
- It's okay, really.
- I didn't mean to overreact
like that.
192
00:08:14,764 --> 00:08:16,930
- Woman: Enjoy.
- Woman #2: Enjoy yourself.
193
00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:18,431
Thank you.
Thanks.
194
00:08:19,598 --> 00:08:20,889
- ( cork pops )
- Larry: Ah!
195
00:08:20,889 --> 00:08:22,389
- Oh, I love that sound!
- All right!
196
00:08:22,389 --> 00:08:26,097
- You like that?
- I love that sound!
197
00:08:26,097 --> 00:08:29,014
I mean, the good thing here
is that if we want seconds,
198
00:08:29,014 --> 00:08:30,764
- we go right to the front.
- Bridget: Straight to
the front.
199
00:08:30,764 --> 00:08:32,097
- Right?
- Yep.
200
00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:38,556
Boy, oh, boy.
Ha, that's a lot
of ketchup there.
201
00:08:38,556 --> 00:08:40,306
I like ketchup.
202
00:08:40,306 --> 00:08:43,514
Yeah, uh, it seems
a little excessive, no?
203
00:08:43,514 --> 00:08:45,306
- Here we go!
- Living it up!
204
00:08:45,306 --> 00:08:48,389
- Happiness,
living it up! Okay?
- Bridget: Cheers!
205
00:08:48,389 --> 00:08:50,389
I mean, you use
too much ketchup,
you know what happens?
206
00:08:50,389 --> 00:08:52,889
They-- they convert to packs,
to the little packets.
207
00:08:52,889 --> 00:08:55,639
Is there a ketchup shortage?
Like, "Oh, we're gonna
run out of ketchup."
208
00:08:55,639 --> 00:08:57,639
I wasn't saying
there's a ketchup shortage,
209
00:08:57,639 --> 00:09:00,722
it's just that
if everybody uses
as much ketchup as you do,
210
00:09:00,722 --> 00:09:02,056
they would stop buying it.
211
00:09:02,056 --> 00:09:04,473
As a matter of fact,
I think I need more ketchup.
212
00:09:04,473 --> 00:09:05,306
Mmm.
213
00:09:07,181 --> 00:09:09,014
- Bridget: Wow.
- Hmm!
214
00:09:09,014 --> 00:09:10,805
Funkhouser:
Why are we talking
about this?
215
00:09:10,805 --> 00:09:13,473
There's no way she could
finish all that ketchup.
Is there?
216
00:09:13,473 --> 00:09:14,972
Watch me!
217
00:09:16,805 --> 00:09:19,181
Funkhouser:
Let's just change
the subject, okay?
218
00:09:19,181 --> 00:09:20,514
Potatoes are delicious.
219
00:09:20,514 --> 00:09:21,847
- Huh.
- Larry: Yeah.
220
00:09:21,847 --> 00:09:25,181
- Marilyn:
Oh, my God! Oh!
- ( gasps )
221
00:09:25,181 --> 00:09:27,139
- Oh, my God!
- Funkhouser: Don't do that,
don't do that.
222
00:09:27,139 --> 00:09:28,680
Can we get
a wet towel, somebody?
223
00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:30,306
That's okay.
It's okay, it's okay.
224
00:09:30,306 --> 00:09:32,348
It's okay.
Yeah, your sweater
covers it fine.
225
00:09:32,348 --> 00:09:34,847
You know,
I-- I think I want--
I want to go home.
226
00:09:34,847 --> 00:09:36,222
Oh, no!
227
00:09:36,222 --> 00:09:38,056
- It's just
a really bad stain.
- Yeah, go.
228
00:09:38,056 --> 00:09:39,764
- No, Larry,
it's not that bad.
- You got a bad stain.
229
00:09:39,764 --> 00:09:40,930
I'm gonna go home.
230
00:09:40,930 --> 00:09:42,431
I'm just feeling
very uncomfortable.
231
00:09:42,431 --> 00:09:44,348
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Yeah, go.
232
00:09:44,348 --> 00:09:46,014
It's a--
it's a really bad stain.
233
00:09:46,014 --> 00:09:48,514
It's a "go home" stain,
you know what I mean?
234
00:09:48,514 --> 00:09:50,348
- It was the fork.
- I think it was the ketchup.
235
00:09:50,348 --> 00:09:52,680
- Let's not argue over this.
- Marilyn: I'm so sorry.
236
00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:55,514
It was lovely to meet you.
You seem lovely.
237
00:09:55,514 --> 00:09:57,598
- Yeah, take her home.
- It's such a shame.
238
00:09:57,598 --> 00:09:59,639
Nice job, once again.
239
00:09:59,639 --> 00:10:02,473
- One of those things.
- Gosh, another time, I guess.
240
00:10:02,473 --> 00:10:04,056
- Bye.
- Bye.
241
00:10:04,056 --> 00:10:06,431
Wow, I feel so bad.
242
00:10:06,431 --> 00:10:08,181
That was
a disgusting display.
243
00:10:08,181 --> 00:10:09,639
You couldn't let
the ketchup go.
244
00:10:09,639 --> 00:10:11,764
- Couldn't let it go.
- Oh, boy.
245
00:10:11,764 --> 00:10:14,639
Guess what.
246
00:10:14,639 --> 00:10:16,972
Who's paying
for the expensive champagne?
247
00:10:16,972 --> 00:10:18,889
- Oh.
- Yeah.
248
00:10:24,264 --> 00:10:27,222
- ( door opens )
- ( footsteps approaching )
249
00:10:29,514 --> 00:10:31,389
I want to thank you
250
00:10:31,389 --> 00:10:34,056
for defending me
in front of the mob.
251
00:10:34,056 --> 00:10:37,056
Oh, oh.
Yes, of course.
252
00:10:37,056 --> 00:10:40,222
That was, uh, terrible.
You had already waited.
253
00:10:40,222 --> 00:10:42,014
What was the point
of going back again?
254
00:10:42,014 --> 00:10:43,930
You would've lost
your appetite.
255
00:10:43,930 --> 00:10:45,930
I agree with you,
Mr. David.
256
00:10:48,972 --> 00:10:50,264
How do you know my name?
257
00:10:51,805 --> 00:10:54,598
I know everything
about you.
258
00:10:54,598 --> 00:10:56,680
I was sitting there
having my brunch,
259
00:10:56,680 --> 00:10:59,431
and I saw you.
260
00:10:59,431 --> 00:11:03,139
And I was thinking,
as a devout Muslim,
261
00:11:03,139 --> 00:11:05,389
I should kill this man.
262
00:11:05,389 --> 00:11:06,722
Fatwa.
263
00:11:06,722 --> 00:11:09,056
And then you defended me.
264
00:11:09,056 --> 00:11:11,431
I thought to myself...
265
00:11:13,348 --> 00:11:15,764
I cannot kill this man.
266
00:11:15,764 --> 00:11:17,889
This man doesn't
deserve to die.
267
00:11:17,889 --> 00:11:20,722
No. No, I don't.
I don't!
268
00:11:20,722 --> 00:11:24,639
I do have some friends
in high positions.
269
00:11:24,639 --> 00:11:27,722
I think I need to bring
to their attention
270
00:11:27,722 --> 00:11:31,097
that you are not the man
they think you are.
271
00:11:31,097 --> 00:11:33,598
Anything you want to know,
I'll give you full access.
272
00:11:33,598 --> 00:11:35,222
I'm an open book.
273
00:11:35,222 --> 00:11:37,014
You will be hearing
from me.
274
00:11:37,014 --> 00:11:39,264
What-- what is your name?
275
00:11:39,264 --> 00:11:43,473
My name
is not important.
276
00:11:45,139 --> 00:11:48,389
- Hey!
- Oh, hey. Um...
277
00:11:48,389 --> 00:11:51,473
- You okay?
- Yeah, I was just
talking to this guy.
278
00:11:51,473 --> 00:11:53,639
( chuckles )
What guy?
279
00:11:53,639 --> 00:11:55,014
Oh.
280
00:11:55,014 --> 00:11:57,473
( chuckles )
Let's go.
281
00:11:57,473 --> 00:11:58,473
Huh.
282
00:12:01,639 --> 00:12:03,348
Larry:
That was a lot of fun.
283
00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:04,930
That horse,
he was so close!
284
00:12:04,930 --> 00:12:06,805
- He should've won!
- I know, I know, I know.
285
00:12:06,805 --> 00:12:09,056
I know.
I was-- I was
excited for you.
286
00:12:09,056 --> 00:12:12,764
By the way,
this is-- what are we on?
10 hours now together?
287
00:12:12,764 --> 00:12:14,598
It's been incredibly fun.
288
00:12:14,598 --> 00:12:16,764
And I can't believe
289
00:12:16,764 --> 00:12:19,014
you made that appointment
at-- at Pemberton.
290
00:12:19,014 --> 00:12:20,473
I'm so grateful.
291
00:12:20,473 --> 00:12:23,348
Believe me, once I get through
with those Pemberton people,
292
00:12:23,348 --> 00:12:25,680
they're gonna beg this kid
to go to that school.
293
00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:27,722
Do-- do you wanna
come in?
294
00:12:27,722 --> 00:12:29,847
- Do I wanna come in?
- Mmm.
295
00:12:29,847 --> 00:12:33,389
Because I'm feeling
pretty grateful.
296
00:12:33,389 --> 00:12:37,014
Are you saying that, uh...
297
00:12:37,014 --> 00:12:40,139
gratitude sex
is in the offing?
298
00:12:40,139 --> 00:12:42,306
If you're okay with
gratitude sex, I mean--
299
00:12:42,306 --> 00:12:44,306
You know what,
I've never had gratitude sex,
300
00:12:44,306 --> 00:12:47,306
mainly because
I've never done anything that
someone could be grateful for.
301
00:12:47,306 --> 00:12:51,264
- ( laughs )
- But people tell me that
gratitude sex is the ultimate.
302
00:12:51,264 --> 00:12:54,056
It's hard to explain.
I'd rather just show you.
303
00:12:54,056 --> 00:12:55,264
- Sure, yeah.
- You know?
304
00:12:55,264 --> 00:12:57,056
( guitar strumming )
305
00:12:57,056 --> 00:13:00,097
Hey, honey.
Uh, I thought
Nancy put you to bed.
306
00:13:00,097 --> 00:13:01,889
She did.
307
00:13:01,889 --> 00:13:05,056
Well, it's time for bed.
It's past your bedtime.
308
00:13:05,056 --> 00:13:07,514
- It's past his bedtime.
- Bridget: Hey, now.
309
00:13:07,514 --> 00:13:09,431
Go to your room, okay?
( sighs )
310
00:13:09,431 --> 00:13:12,930
I'll hang out in my room,
but I'm not going to bed.
311
00:13:15,056 --> 00:13:16,847
I've never seen an old man
in sneakers before.
312
00:13:16,847 --> 00:13:18,680
- Okay, that's--
go to your room.
- ( sarcastic laugh )
313
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:20,222
That's so stupid.
314
00:13:20,222 --> 00:13:22,805
- Bridget: Eddie! Go.
- Larry: That's a good one.
315
00:13:22,805 --> 00:13:25,306
You know, it's--
he's on the spectrum.
I'm sorry.
316
00:13:25,306 --> 00:13:26,889
- Ah, the spectrum.
- ( door closes )
317
00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:29,598
He's on the spectrum.
Yeah.
318
00:13:29,598 --> 00:13:32,264
- ( deeply inhales )
- ( guitar strumming )
319
00:13:32,264 --> 00:13:34,264
Guess that's that.
320
00:13:34,264 --> 00:13:36,473
He won't listen
to me, but...
321
00:13:36,473 --> 00:13:40,431
maybe you can--
you can get him to bed.
322
00:13:40,431 --> 00:13:41,889
The offer still stands.
323
00:13:41,889 --> 00:13:43,889
( guitar strumming
continues )
324
00:13:45,805 --> 00:13:47,639
( chuckles )
Yeah!
325
00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:52,431
( guitar strumming )
326
00:14:01,181 --> 00:14:03,514
All right,
you little prick, okay?
327
00:14:03,514 --> 00:14:06,431
I got some gratitude sex
coming to me, and you're
not gonna ruin it.
328
00:14:06,431 --> 00:14:07,847
You got it?
329
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:08,930
Now get under those covers.
330
00:14:08,930 --> 00:14:10,389
You're gonna go to sleep,
331
00:14:10,389 --> 00:14:12,097
and I'm gonna have sex
with your mother.
332
00:14:19,431 --> 00:14:20,805
Hello.
333
00:14:20,805 --> 00:14:23,805
You're looking at a man
with an "A" on his shirt...
334
00:14:23,805 --> 00:14:24,930
for "apology."
335
00:14:24,930 --> 00:14:26,556
- Is that so?
- Yes.
336
00:14:26,556 --> 00:14:28,222
I'm sorry
for the other day.
337
00:14:28,222 --> 00:14:29,805
There was nothing
I could do.
338
00:14:29,805 --> 00:14:31,764
We had to leave,
so I left.
339
00:14:31,764 --> 00:14:34,181
( scoffs )
Quite an expensive
bottle of champagne
340
00:14:34,181 --> 00:14:35,431
I wound up paying for.
341
00:14:35,431 --> 00:14:36,764
We ordered
the champagne
342
00:14:36,764 --> 00:14:38,639
because you wanted
to live it up.
343
00:14:38,639 --> 00:14:41,139
You said,
"Let's live it up."
I would never live it up.
344
00:14:41,139 --> 00:14:42,639
I live it down,
I don't live it up.
345
00:14:42,639 --> 00:14:44,556
Okay, maybe I said,
"Let's live it up."
346
00:14:44,556 --> 00:14:46,639
- You did.
- I wanted to have
a good time, that's all!
347
00:14:46,639 --> 00:14:48,889
So anyway,
so you're here to what?
348
00:14:48,889 --> 00:14:51,014
Apologize.
I'm sorry!
349
00:14:51,014 --> 00:14:52,805
For leaving me
with the bill?
350
00:14:52,805 --> 00:14:56,014
No, I'm sorry
for leaving early.
351
00:14:56,014 --> 00:14:57,556
That's what
I'm sorry about.
352
00:14:57,556 --> 00:14:59,473
I don't mind
you leaving early,
353
00:14:59,473 --> 00:15:03,847
but I think the proper apology
would be to say, "I'm sorry.
354
00:15:03,847 --> 00:15:06,014
Here's $250
for the champagne."
355
00:15:06,014 --> 00:15:08,514
- Okay?
- That's a cash apology.
356
00:15:08,514 --> 00:15:10,139
My apology
is from the heart.
357
00:15:10,139 --> 00:15:12,014
That's something
that means something.
358
00:15:12,014 --> 00:15:14,014
Why do you come
to the office to apologize
without offering the money?
359
00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:15,306
Because I felt bad!
360
00:15:15,306 --> 00:15:17,431
If you feel bad,
you offer the money!
361
00:15:17,431 --> 00:15:19,348
- No, you don't!
- You don't understand
feeling bad!
362
00:15:19,348 --> 00:15:21,639
Feeling bad
is feeling in the heart,
not in the wallet!
363
00:15:21,639 --> 00:15:24,680
- No, feeling bad
is making it up!
- It is not!
364
00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:29,056
Well, to come here
and apologize without
taking your wallet out
365
00:15:29,056 --> 00:15:32,306
and offering, who knows
if I would even accept it?
366
00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:34,680
There's not even an offer!
367
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:36,222
Let's go to lunch,
talk it over.
368
00:15:36,222 --> 00:15:37,930
- Okay. Yeah.
- Okay?
369
00:15:37,930 --> 00:15:40,514
I gotta take
a quick piss.
370
00:15:40,514 --> 00:15:42,805
- Mr. Larry.
- Ah, Cesar.
371
00:15:42,805 --> 00:15:46,056
I want to thank you
for offering me to watch
the game on your TV.
372
00:15:46,056 --> 00:15:47,889
Ah, well,
you're very welcome.
373
00:15:47,889 --> 00:15:50,639
- But unfortunately,
I couldn't make it.
- What?
374
00:15:50,639 --> 00:15:53,889
Yeah, my wife,
she wanted me to do a bunch
of chores in the house,
375
00:15:53,889 --> 00:15:55,431
so I-- I couldn't come.
376
00:15:55,431 --> 00:15:58,056
I'm, uh-- well,
I'm sorry to hear that.
Too bad.
377
00:15:58,056 --> 00:16:03,014
But, uh, you-- you're a member
of a nice country club, sí?
378
00:16:03,014 --> 00:16:06,097
- Yeah?
- Can I bring my family there
for a nice little swim?
379
00:16:06,097 --> 00:16:08,056
Little Cesar's like Aquaman.
380
00:16:08,056 --> 00:16:12,014
No. No, you can't-- you can't
bring your family there, no!
381
00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:14,764
- But-- but why not?
- It's not the way
it works. No!
382
00:16:14,764 --> 00:16:16,764
I don't understand
your lack of generosity.
383
00:16:16,764 --> 00:16:18,473
Lack of generosity?
What are you talking about?
384
00:16:18,473 --> 00:16:20,556
I gave you a tip,
which you turned down.
385
00:16:20,556 --> 00:16:22,348
I did not take it,
so you owe me a favor.
386
00:16:22,348 --> 00:16:25,764
I already repaid you a favor
that I didn't even owe you!
387
00:16:25,764 --> 00:16:29,264
The whole point of the tip
is for you to be indebted to me.
388
00:16:29,264 --> 00:16:31,181
Now you've--
you've reversed it!
389
00:16:31,181 --> 00:16:32,306
Now I'm indebted to you.
390
00:16:32,306 --> 00:16:33,972
You flipped it!
You flipped the tip!
391
00:16:33,972 --> 00:16:35,306
I promised
Little Cesar.
392
00:16:37,014 --> 00:16:39,056
All right.
This is the last one.
393
00:16:39,056 --> 00:16:40,930
Okay? This is it.
394
00:16:40,930 --> 00:16:43,431
And next time I give you
a tip, you take it, okay?
395
00:16:43,431 --> 00:16:46,097
- Okay, Mr. Larry.
- But the country club
is out.
396
00:16:46,097 --> 00:16:47,514
You can't swim there.
They're racist.
397
00:16:47,514 --> 00:16:48,764
They're not gonna
let you in there.
398
00:16:48,764 --> 00:16:50,598
Why are you a member
of a racist club?
399
00:16:50,598 --> 00:16:52,930
They're all racists.
That's the way they operate.
400
00:16:52,930 --> 00:16:54,431
How about your pool?
401
00:16:54,431 --> 00:16:56,805
Oh, I would,
but the heater in my house
402
00:16:56,805 --> 00:16:59,972
got all screwed up
and nothing's working now,
and the pool's not working.
403
00:16:59,972 --> 00:17:02,181
I bet you have friends
with nice pools.
404
00:17:04,014 --> 00:17:06,348
Hey...
405
00:17:06,348 --> 00:17:07,930
your pool working?
406
00:17:07,930 --> 00:17:08,972
Yeah.
407
00:17:08,972 --> 00:17:11,805
Can Cesar and his family
use your pool?
408
00:17:11,805 --> 00:17:14,181
- Who's Cesar?
- Yo.
409
00:17:14,181 --> 00:17:15,680
Nice to meet you, Cesar.
410
00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:17,181
Nice to meet you, sir.
411
00:17:17,181 --> 00:17:18,598
Can he use my pool?
412
00:17:18,598 --> 00:17:21,014
It's hot out, they have
no place to swim, and...
413
00:17:21,014 --> 00:17:23,639
At this time of year,
414
00:17:23,639 --> 00:17:25,431
we might have
family coming over.
415
00:17:25,431 --> 00:17:28,348
- You know,
I never know--
- I'll tell you what.
416
00:17:28,348 --> 00:17:31,014
We call it even,
the $250.
417
00:17:31,014 --> 00:17:34,306
- So you're never gonna
mention it again?
- Never again.
418
00:17:34,306 --> 00:17:36,514
- When do you want
to come over?
- On Saturday.
419
00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:38,473
Cesar:
What time is good for you?
8:00 a.m.?
420
00:17:38,473 --> 00:17:41,014
- Funkhouser:
Uh, let's make it 8:30.
- Thank you, sir.
421
00:17:41,014 --> 00:17:42,514
- Hey, do me a favor.
- Yes, sir.
422
00:17:42,514 --> 00:17:45,514
No diving, and try to stay
in the shallow end, okay?
423
00:17:45,514 --> 00:17:47,972
- That's his number.
- Oh, thank you,
Mr. Larry.
424
00:17:47,972 --> 00:17:50,847
( chuckles )
Little Cesar
is gonna be so happy.
425
00:17:50,847 --> 00:17:52,306
Gracias.
426
00:17:55,056 --> 00:17:57,680
Larry David paid you
for your services?
427
00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:59,264
Hell, yeah, he did.
428
00:17:59,264 --> 00:18:01,556
But all he did was use me
to get in the carpool lane
429
00:18:01,556 --> 00:18:03,680
so he can get
to the Dodger game.
430
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:08,348
So you're saying that,
uh, your encounter was
not of sexual nature.
431
00:18:08,348 --> 00:18:10,222
Hell, no!
432
00:18:10,222 --> 00:18:12,181
He could've had all this!
433
00:18:15,014 --> 00:18:16,972
I still don't
understand.
434
00:18:16,972 --> 00:18:20,389
How can your father
be a kamikaze pilot
when he's still alive?
435
00:18:20,389 --> 00:18:24,056
He grazed the ship.
436
00:18:24,056 --> 00:18:26,014
Grazed, but not fatal.
437
00:18:26,014 --> 00:18:27,930
( sighs )
438
00:18:27,930 --> 00:18:29,014
No.
439
00:18:29,014 --> 00:18:31,889
Then Larry was right.
440
00:18:31,889 --> 00:18:34,222
So, Larry David
went on a date with you
441
00:18:34,222 --> 00:18:35,722
and carried you upstairs?
442
00:18:35,722 --> 00:18:37,889
Yeah.
I didn't want him to.
443
00:18:37,889 --> 00:18:40,473
- Oh, he insisted?
- Yes.
444
00:18:40,473 --> 00:18:43,556
You know,
I wasn't the only girl
in a wheelchair he was dating.
445
00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:47,389
So, he went out
with two different women
with disability?
446
00:18:47,389 --> 00:18:49,222
At least.
447
00:18:49,222 --> 00:18:50,764
Commendable.
448
00:18:52,722 --> 00:18:54,431
I'd see Larry
occasionally.
449
00:18:54,431 --> 00:18:58,014
I guess you would say
I had some issues with him.
450
00:18:58,014 --> 00:19:00,764
But wasn't the real issue
451
00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:04,431
the... big vagina?
452
00:19:05,639 --> 00:19:07,930
Yes. It's big.
453
00:19:07,930 --> 00:19:10,056
Big enough to steal
454
00:19:10,056 --> 00:19:13,598
a Mickey Mantle
autographed baseball?
455
00:19:15,014 --> 00:19:16,598
- Yes.
- Hmm.
456
00:19:16,598 --> 00:19:21,056
He took a word
in one of my rhymes
and changed that shit.
457
00:19:21,056 --> 00:19:23,764
And it opened up
lyrically for me.
458
00:19:23,764 --> 00:19:25,097
It was amazing, man.
459
00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:28,930
He also saved me from
a marriage to a lesbian.
460
00:19:28,930 --> 00:19:30,722
So, yeah...
461
00:19:30,722 --> 00:19:33,389
that motherfucker's
my Caucasian.
462
00:19:33,389 --> 00:19:35,348
- Caucasian?
- Write that shit down.
463
00:19:35,348 --> 00:19:37,680
- He is your Caucasian, yes.
- He is my Caucasian.
464
00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:39,264
And a motherfucker.
465
00:19:39,264 --> 00:19:41,264
So, we're on the ski lift
and it's shkiyat hachamah.
466
00:19:41,264 --> 00:19:42,847
And according
to Jewish law,
467
00:19:42,847 --> 00:19:45,722
I'm not allowed
to be with a man
alone after sundown,
468
00:19:45,722 --> 00:19:47,139
so I asked him to jump.
469
00:19:47,139 --> 00:19:49,348
And he refused,
so I had to jump.
470
00:19:49,348 --> 00:19:52,930
So he refused
to follow the tenets
of Jewish orthodoxy.
471
00:19:52,930 --> 00:19:54,805
Oh, absolutely.
472
00:19:54,805 --> 00:19:56,181
Big time.
473
00:19:58,097 --> 00:19:59,764
Please continue.
474
00:19:59,764 --> 00:20:04,014
( stuttering )
So, he comes upstairs
and he accuses me of clomping.
475
00:20:04,014 --> 00:20:05,722
And I explained to him,
I have these shoes,
476
00:20:05,722 --> 00:20:08,639
these heavy shoes that I wear
because my feet get cramped.
477
00:20:08,639 --> 00:20:10,473
And they make noise.
478
00:20:10,473 --> 00:20:12,014
I invite him in.
479
00:20:12,014 --> 00:20:15,056
I offer him a soda.
480
00:20:15,056 --> 00:20:17,805
He took it, and it exploded,
and it got all over him,
481
00:20:17,805 --> 00:20:20,139
and he got... upset.
482
00:20:20,139 --> 00:20:22,805
- Now it's-- now it's--
- Mr. Fox...
483
00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:24,680
did you clomp on purpose?
484
00:20:26,556 --> 00:20:27,930
A little bit.
485
00:20:27,930 --> 00:20:31,805
And did you embellish
the shaking of the soda?
486
00:20:34,139 --> 00:20:35,889
Yeah.
487
00:20:35,889 --> 00:20:37,680
Thank you.
488
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:41,222
May I offer you
some refreshment?
489
00:20:41,222 --> 00:20:43,514
No, thank you.
490
00:20:43,514 --> 00:20:45,181
I pass, sir.
491
00:20:45,181 --> 00:20:46,847
Pussy.
492
00:20:48,847 --> 00:20:51,348
( chatter )
493
00:20:56,556 --> 00:21:00,222
Larry, thank you for
all of the "Seinfeld" scripts
494
00:21:00,222 --> 00:21:02,889
and memorabilia
that you've donated
to our fundraisers.
495
00:21:02,889 --> 00:21:04,181
- It's really--
- Yes.
496
00:21:04,181 --> 00:21:05,431
It's made a lot of money
for the school.
497
00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:06,805
So happy to do it.
498
00:21:06,805 --> 00:21:09,348
And thank for allowing me
to come in here today
499
00:21:09,348 --> 00:21:14,306
and talk to you, uh,
about this young man
who I adore.
500
00:21:14,306 --> 00:21:15,805
- Yes, Eddie.
- Uh, Eddie, yes.
501
00:21:15,805 --> 00:21:17,222
- Right.
- Eddie, yes.
502
00:21:17,222 --> 00:21:19,139
You know what?
503
00:21:19,139 --> 00:21:22,722
I just feel like
I'm ignoring you
all the way on that side.
504
00:21:22,722 --> 00:21:26,680
I should be here
because sometimes women,
they're a little, uh,
505
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:29,889
ultra-sensitive about being
ignored at these meetings.
506
00:21:29,889 --> 00:21:31,805
"Oh, oh, you don't talk
to the woman," you know.
507
00:21:31,805 --> 00:21:33,722
- Oh, no.
- That's not me.
That's not me.
508
00:21:33,722 --> 00:21:36,514
Wherever you want
to sit is fine.
Please.
509
00:21:36,514 --> 00:21:39,348
Okay, thank you.
Thank you.
510
00:21:39,348 --> 00:21:42,181
I actually would prefer
to sit over there,
but, you know.
511
00:21:42,181 --> 00:21:43,889
- Well, please!
- Feel free, Larry.
512
00:21:43,889 --> 00:21:45,930
Okay, all right, okay.
Thank you.
513
00:21:45,930 --> 00:21:47,722
- All right, so!
- Eddie.
514
00:21:47,722 --> 00:21:50,514
You know, I-- I love this kid
like-- like my own son.
515
00:21:50,514 --> 00:21:53,847
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, you know,
like a nephew.
516
00:21:53,847 --> 00:21:55,264
Actually, more like
a foster child
517
00:21:55,264 --> 00:21:57,722
who comes to your house,
and all of a sudden, you go,
518
00:21:57,722 --> 00:22:00,431
"What the hell did I do?
I got-- what am I, nuts?"
519
00:22:00,431 --> 00:22:03,431
But, no, no, you grow--
you grow to love them.
520
00:22:03,431 --> 00:22:04,764
That's how I feel now.
521
00:22:04,764 --> 00:22:06,264
It's-- uh, so...
522
00:22:06,264 --> 00:22:11,097
Bridget is Eddie's mother,
and she's your girlfriend?
523
00:22:11,097 --> 00:22:12,598
Larry:
Girlfriend...
524
00:22:12,598 --> 00:22:16,722
I don't know, but she does
have tampons in my house.
525
00:22:16,722 --> 00:22:18,764
Okay, Mr. David,
we just want
526
00:22:18,764 --> 00:22:21,431
to get to the nature
of your relationship
because--
527
00:22:21,431 --> 00:22:24,431
- Man: We were happy to do
a favor for you, Larry.
- Sure.
528
00:22:24,431 --> 00:22:27,764
- But--
- We just wanna make sure
that it's just not a fling.
529
00:22:27,764 --> 00:22:31,889
We're just interested
in where you see this
relationship going.
530
00:22:31,889 --> 00:22:33,930
Yeah, the relationship going.
I don't know.
531
00:22:33,930 --> 00:22:35,431
You know,
they're kind of tough.
532
00:22:35,431 --> 00:22:38,139
You get
involved with somebody,
and all of a sudden,
533
00:22:38,139 --> 00:22:40,431
you got to check in,
you got to report in,
534
00:22:40,431 --> 00:22:42,722
you got to text them,
make those phone calls.
535
00:22:42,722 --> 00:22:45,348
You go away for
a weekend with your friends
on a trip to Vegas,
536
00:22:45,348 --> 00:22:46,847
you come back, she says,
"Did you had fun?"
537
00:22:46,847 --> 00:22:48,764
You got to lie, say,
"No, no, I didn't have fun.
538
00:22:48,764 --> 00:22:51,097
"No, no, it wasn't fun at all.
Worst trip I ever made
in my life."
539
00:22:51,097 --> 00:22:54,181
Then she talks to one
of your friends and they say
they had a fantastic time.
540
00:22:54,181 --> 00:22:56,847
She comes back to me,
she says, "Your friends
said you had a great time."
541
00:22:56,847 --> 00:23:00,348
And you go, "No, no,
they had a great time.
I had a lousy time."
542
00:23:00,348 --> 00:23:01,680
( scoffs )
543
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:03,139
Uh...
544
00:23:03,139 --> 00:23:07,680
in general, how are you
with commitments,
relationships?
545
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:10,056
I can't sleep
with the same bed
with anybody.
546
00:23:10,056 --> 00:23:12,014
It's, ugh,
a horrible night's sleep.
547
00:23:12,014 --> 00:23:15,181
You can't-- you--
I'm off in a corner like this.
548
00:23:15,181 --> 00:23:18,722
You know, 'cause I don't
want another body touching mine
when I'm trying to fall asleep.
549
00:23:18,722 --> 00:23:21,722
And you can't turn this way
because then you get--
you got face-to-face.
550
00:23:21,722 --> 00:23:23,473
You don't wanna do that
in the middle of the night.
551
00:23:23,473 --> 00:23:26,514
Well, where-- where do you see
the relationship going?
552
00:23:26,514 --> 00:23:28,639
I see it going,
hopefully, one day,
553
00:23:28,639 --> 00:23:30,680
to the point
where I'll let her
sleep in the guestroom.
554
00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:32,847
I'm-- I'm shooting
for that.
555
00:23:32,847 --> 00:23:36,014
Uh, we just want to make sure
that Eddie is coming for
the right reasons.
556
00:23:36,014 --> 00:23:37,598
Yes.
Oh, well, yes.
557
00:23:37,598 --> 00:23:41,264
And that
you're in a long-term,
committed relationship.
558
00:23:41,264 --> 00:23:44,097
Well, I can--
I can give you nine months.
559
00:23:44,097 --> 00:23:46,014
Um, that's...
560
00:23:46,014 --> 00:23:49,680
Well, no, I can give you--
I can give you nine months.
561
00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:51,222
Nine happy months.
562
00:23:51,222 --> 00:23:54,389
Then I can give you
years and years of--
of being miserable.
563
00:23:54,389 --> 00:23:55,972
But we'll be together!
564
00:23:55,972 --> 00:23:57,431
Well, that's actually
565
00:23:57,431 --> 00:23:59,389
really what we're
looking to hear, Larry,
566
00:23:59,389 --> 00:24:00,598
is that you are
gonna be together
567
00:24:00,598 --> 00:24:02,431
for an extended
amount of time.
568
00:24:02,431 --> 00:24:04,473
- Absolutely.
- At least while Eddie
is here at school.
569
00:24:04,473 --> 00:24:07,722
Unless she gets
sick or something,
in which case I'll--
570
00:24:07,722 --> 00:24:09,556
I'll leave her quickly.
You could understand that.
571
00:24:09,556 --> 00:24:11,473
I'm not gonna visit people
in the hospital.
572
00:24:11,473 --> 00:24:13,389
I'm-- I'm not crazy,
you know.
573
00:24:13,389 --> 00:24:14,889
Otherwise...
574
00:24:14,889 --> 00:24:17,556
- I adore this woman.
- ( phone ringing )
575
00:24:17,556 --> 00:24:18,847
Excuse me.
576
00:24:18,847 --> 00:24:20,680
Hello.
577
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:23,264
- LD, it's the Funk-Man.
- Hey, I can't talk right now.
578
00:24:23,264 --> 00:24:26,556
All right, I'll make it quick.
I can't host Cesar's pool party.
579
00:24:26,556 --> 00:24:29,139
- What? Why?
- Well, Marilyn wants us
580
00:24:29,139 --> 00:24:31,556
to go to Catalina,
so I've got to do it.
581
00:24:31,556 --> 00:24:35,181
I'm very disappointed.
And I'm sure Cesar
will be, too.
582
00:24:35,181 --> 00:24:39,264
- And Little Cesar.
- I don't know Little Cesar
and I don't really know Cesar.
583
00:24:39,264 --> 00:24:41,598
But, uh, we still on
for brunch Sunday?
584
00:24:41,598 --> 00:24:42,680
Uh, I guess so.
585
00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:43,930
Okay, I'll see you then.
586
00:24:43,930 --> 00:24:46,097
All right.
Goodbye.
587
00:24:46,097 --> 00:24:50,598
So, uh, Larry, again,
we're very happy you came in,
talked to us about Eddie.
588
00:24:50,598 --> 00:24:53,598
I think things, um--
I think look pretty good.
589
00:24:53,598 --> 00:24:54,930
We're very, uh...
590
00:24:56,473 --> 00:24:58,431
Could my handyman
and his family
591
00:24:58,431 --> 00:25:00,598
use your pool
on Saturday?
592
00:25:06,598 --> 00:25:09,056
( whispering,
chuckling )
593
00:25:14,473 --> 00:25:16,348
- Hi.
- Hey.
594
00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:17,805
- Same table.
- Is it?
595
00:25:17,805 --> 00:25:19,972
- Champagne.
- Oh.
596
00:25:19,972 --> 00:25:22,014
- This time we'll drink it.
- ( nervous chuckling )
597
00:25:22,014 --> 00:25:23,722
- What's the matter?
- ( stammering )
598
00:25:23,722 --> 00:25:27,473
I just got off the phone
with the Pemberton Academy.
599
00:25:27,473 --> 00:25:28,805
What'd they say?
600
00:25:28,805 --> 00:25:30,014
Eddie didn't get in.
601
00:25:30,014 --> 00:25:31,473
- He didn't get in?
- No.
602
00:25:31,473 --> 00:25:32,889
Why?
603
00:25:32,889 --> 00:25:34,306
Because
of the condition
604
00:25:34,306 --> 00:25:36,722
that your handyman
and his family
605
00:25:36,722 --> 00:25:38,930
left the Pemberton Academy
pool.
606
00:25:38,930 --> 00:25:40,473
What?
What's the condition?
607
00:25:40,473 --> 00:25:42,014
Befouled.
608
00:25:42,014 --> 00:25:44,264
Little Cesar
befouled the pool?
609
00:25:44,264 --> 00:25:45,306
Why would you
send them there?
610
00:25:45,306 --> 00:25:46,972
Of all the pools
in California?
611
00:25:46,972 --> 00:25:48,972
I don't know,
'cause Little Cesar
wanted to use a pool!
612
00:25:48,972 --> 00:25:50,639
I couldn't-- I couldn't
refuse Little Cesar.
613
00:25:50,639 --> 00:25:52,264
Why do they have
to use a pool at all?
614
00:25:52,264 --> 00:25:54,222
Cesar flipped
the tip on me
and, you know,
615
00:25:54,222 --> 00:25:55,972
he wouldn't take the tip,
so I was obligated to!
616
00:25:55,972 --> 00:25:57,181
- Hi!
- Hello!
617
00:25:57,181 --> 00:25:59,139
More obligated
than to-- hi!
618
00:25:59,139 --> 00:26:01,222
- Hi.
- How are you?
619
00:26:01,222 --> 00:26:02,889
What a day!
620
00:26:02,889 --> 00:26:04,680
We just came back
from Catalina.
621
00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:07,431
- Oh, heard that's beautiful.
- What a cruise!
622
00:26:07,431 --> 00:26:09,306
- Dolphins!
- Great boat, beautiful.
623
00:26:09,306 --> 00:26:10,847
- Magnificent.
- I think I got too much sun.
624
00:26:10,847 --> 00:26:12,222
Funkhouser:
How are you guys doing?
625
00:26:12,222 --> 00:26:16,264
Gosh, I am so sorry,
but I think I have to go.
626
00:26:16,264 --> 00:26:19,639
- Oh, no.
- We just had a "go home"
argument, and I have to go.
627
00:26:19,639 --> 00:26:22,764
Oh, no, no, no.
Don't do that!
No, don't do that!
628
00:26:22,764 --> 00:26:25,473
I just feel so upset.
I'm not gonna be able
to rally for today.
629
00:26:25,473 --> 00:26:27,014
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
You understand.
630
00:26:27,014 --> 00:26:28,847
- Thanks for trying.
- Oh, no. I'm sorry, no.
631
00:26:28,847 --> 00:26:31,181
I'll see you,
maybe, again,
but who can say?
632
00:26:31,181 --> 00:26:34,680
- I might not.
- No, I'm so-- ah!
Ah, I'm sorry!
633
00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:36,389
Enjoy the champagne.
634
00:26:36,389 --> 00:26:39,097
- I'm sorry! Ah!
- Here we go.
635
00:26:39,097 --> 00:26:40,389
( cork pops )
636
00:26:44,056 --> 00:26:45,556
( tires screech )
637
00:26:47,598 --> 00:26:49,181
Oh!
638
00:26:55,556 --> 00:26:58,514
Mr. David, get in.
639
00:26:58,514 --> 00:27:01,348
Get-- get in the car?
What, where-- where
are we going?
640
00:27:01,348 --> 00:27:03,889
I haven't even
had-- had brunch yet.
641
00:27:03,889 --> 00:27:05,348
Get in.
642
00:27:05,348 --> 00:27:06,722
Okay.
643
00:27:08,222 --> 00:27:10,264
Oh, my God.
644
00:27:10,264 --> 00:27:11,181
Go.
645
00:27:14,722 --> 00:27:17,639
Morsi:
There was no reason for me
to get to the back of the line.
646
00:27:17,639 --> 00:27:19,972
As I said,
I had already waited,
647
00:27:19,972 --> 00:27:26,181
and those brunch buffet lines
are interminable.
648
00:27:26,181 --> 00:27:28,389
Yes, I am familiar
649
00:27:28,389 --> 00:27:30,764
because
they cook the eggs
while you wait.
650
00:27:30,764 --> 00:27:32,181
( muftis agree )
651
00:27:32,181 --> 00:27:36,097
And all I wanted--
just a little bit more
home fries.
652
00:27:36,097 --> 00:27:37,680
Ah, yes, home fries.
653
00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:39,764
A nice compliment
to the eggs.
654
00:27:39,764 --> 00:27:41,431
With ketchup?
655
00:27:41,431 --> 00:27:43,181
( chuckles )
Yes, of course.
656
00:27:43,181 --> 00:27:46,847
( chattering in Arabic )
657
00:27:46,847 --> 00:27:50,181
So it seems wrong to wait
15 minutes just for that.
658
00:27:50,181 --> 00:27:52,473
Yes, of course.
Why even get them?
659
00:27:52,473 --> 00:27:55,722
Exactly.
So I took a chance.
660
00:27:55,722 --> 00:27:57,097
But the outcry
661
00:27:57,097 --> 00:28:00,431
was unlike anything
you could ever imagine.
662
00:28:00,431 --> 00:28:02,473
You are perceived
as a cutter.
663
00:28:02,473 --> 00:28:05,222
There's nothing Americans
hate more than a cutter.
664
00:28:05,222 --> 00:28:06,473
- He is right.
- It's true.
665
00:28:06,473 --> 00:28:10,556
You're right, Mufti.
I was humiliated.
666
00:28:10,556 --> 00:28:12,722
But this man...
667
00:28:12,722 --> 00:28:14,805
he rose
to my defense.
668
00:28:14,805 --> 00:28:17,431
He said I have
every right
669
00:28:17,431 --> 00:28:20,222
to get seconds
without waiting.
670
00:28:20,222 --> 00:28:22,930
He was forceful,
passionate,
671
00:28:22,930 --> 00:28:25,389
and courageous.
672
00:28:25,389 --> 00:28:28,639
When the American
blood sugar gets low,
673
00:28:28,639 --> 00:28:30,598
they turn into animals.
674
00:28:30,598 --> 00:28:32,097
It's very intimidating.
675
00:28:32,097 --> 00:28:33,764
- True.
- I have seen it.
676
00:28:33,764 --> 00:28:36,014
Morsi:
Not this man.
677
00:28:36,014 --> 00:28:37,639
It was something to see.
678
00:28:37,639 --> 00:28:41,222
And that's why
I come before you
679
00:28:41,222 --> 00:28:45,556
to beg you
to reevaluate his case.
680
00:28:45,556 --> 00:28:49,972
I have read the report
of your investigation
with great interest.
681
00:28:49,972 --> 00:28:53,014
However, there are
many things in his past
682
00:28:53,014 --> 00:28:55,930
which contradict his behavior
in the restaurant.
683
00:28:55,930 --> 00:29:01,598
For example,
this business about not
giving out candy on Halloween.
684
00:29:01,598 --> 00:29:03,847
Surely that cannot
be justified.
685
00:29:03,847 --> 00:29:07,805
With all due respect,
he did give out candies.
686
00:29:07,805 --> 00:29:11,181
But the girls in question,
they were teenagers.
687
00:29:11,181 --> 00:29:13,014
Much too old
to be tricking.
688
00:29:13,014 --> 00:29:15,514
Tricking or treating?
689
00:29:15,514 --> 00:29:17,764
This is all
so very confusing.
690
00:29:17,764 --> 00:29:19,598
Well, you play tricks
691
00:29:19,598 --> 00:29:22,598
if you don't get the treat,
is my understanding.
692
00:29:22,598 --> 00:29:25,264
- ( muftis murmuring )
- Yes, I believe
that is correct.
693
00:29:25,264 --> 00:29:26,972
That is confusing.
694
00:29:26,972 --> 00:29:28,514
But the girls
were 16.
695
00:29:28,514 --> 00:29:31,722
You don't trick
when you're 16.
696
00:29:31,722 --> 00:29:35,222
That's not tricking,
that's stealing.
697
00:29:35,222 --> 00:29:37,181
By denying
them candy,
698
00:29:37,181 --> 00:29:39,722
he was teaching them
a lesson.
699
00:29:39,722 --> 00:29:41,680
- ( muftis agreeing )
- Yes.
700
00:29:41,680 --> 00:29:44,389
- ( all murmuring )
- I see your point.
701
00:29:44,389 --> 00:29:46,930
Ah, very good.
Very good.
702
00:29:46,930 --> 00:29:49,556
- ( speaking Arabic )
- Pass the plates, gentlemen.
703
00:29:49,556 --> 00:29:52,722
- Falafel. Yes, falafel.
- Mufti #2: Another falafel
over here.
704
00:29:52,722 --> 00:29:54,056
- Kabob.
- Kabob for me.
705
00:29:54,056 --> 00:29:57,348
- Onion rings. Yes.
- Ah, french fries.
706
00:29:57,348 --> 00:30:01,722
Mufti:
But what about
his values?
707
00:30:01,722 --> 00:30:03,722
His lust knows no bounds.
708
00:30:03,722 --> 00:30:07,348
He will have
sexual congress
with anyone, anytime.
709
00:30:07,348 --> 00:30:09,930
Including a Palestinian.
710
00:30:09,930 --> 00:30:12,389
- ( muftis murmuring )
- What? Is this true?
711
00:30:12,389 --> 00:30:14,181
This is so?
712
00:30:14,181 --> 00:30:15,972
You know this
for a fact?
713
00:30:15,972 --> 00:30:17,473
Twice.
714
00:30:17,473 --> 00:30:18,722
- Twice!
- ( muftis murmuring )
715
00:30:18,722 --> 00:30:20,181
A Muslim woman?
716
00:30:20,181 --> 00:30:21,264
Morsi:
Yes, Mufti,
717
00:30:21,264 --> 00:30:22,556
she is a Muslim.
718
00:30:22,556 --> 00:30:24,431
( murmuring )
719
00:30:24,431 --> 00:30:26,722
Mufti:
Very interesting.
720
00:30:26,722 --> 00:30:29,431
This is new information.
721
00:30:29,431 --> 00:30:32,306
I will personally
contact the ayatollah
722
00:30:32,306 --> 00:30:35,139
and let him know
what we have learned.
723
00:30:36,598 --> 00:30:39,097
I can say
without reservation
724
00:30:39,097 --> 00:30:42,389
that he will rescind
the fatwa.
725
00:30:42,389 --> 00:30:46,930
- You are free to go.
- Thank you, "Moofti"!
"Muff-ti"!
726
00:30:46,930 --> 00:30:48,805
Thank you all,
moo-mooftis and muff-tis.
727
00:30:48,805 --> 00:30:50,306
Is it "muff-ti"
or "moofti"?
728
00:30:50,306 --> 00:30:51,473
"Moofti."
729
00:30:51,473 --> 00:30:53,181
- "Moovti."
- "Moovti."
730
00:30:53,181 --> 00:30:54,556
Thank you, "Moovtis."
731
00:30:54,556 --> 00:30:57,097
Thank you so--
but what about the musical?
732
00:30:57,097 --> 00:30:58,930
Um, the musical
"Fatwa!"?
733
00:30:58,930 --> 00:31:01,930
I will say this
about the musical...
734
00:31:03,431 --> 00:31:05,847
If you can get
Lin-Manuel Miranda,
735
00:31:05,847 --> 00:31:07,473
you know,
from "Hamilton"...
736
00:31:07,473 --> 00:31:10,222
- ( muftis agreeing )
- Yes! I love "Hamilton"!
737
00:31:10,222 --> 00:31:13,056
If you can get
Lin-Manuel Miranda to star,
738
00:31:13,056 --> 00:31:14,598
you can proceed
with the musical.
739
00:31:14,598 --> 00:31:15,889
( stammering )
How am I gonna
get Lin-Manuel?
740
00:31:15,889 --> 00:31:17,680
He-- he's got
his own stuff he does.
741
00:31:17,680 --> 00:31:19,139
- He's not gonna be in this.
- ( bottle squirting )
742
00:31:19,139 --> 00:31:20,972
What are you doing
with the ketchup?
743
00:31:20,972 --> 00:31:22,556
You used up
all the ketchup!
744
00:31:22,556 --> 00:31:25,514
- I like ketchup.
- Show some restraint.
745
00:31:25,514 --> 00:31:27,847
You're never going
to eat all that.
746
00:31:27,847 --> 00:31:30,805
Is there a shortage of ketchup
that I was not aware of?
747
00:31:30,805 --> 00:31:34,972
This is why I have been
advocating for packets,
but no one will listen!
748
00:31:34,972 --> 00:31:39,014
- Now, that's a good idea.
- I cannot eat onion rings
without ketchup.
749
00:31:39,014 --> 00:31:40,930
The whole snack is ruined!
750
00:31:40,930 --> 00:31:43,556
- Wait, don't go!
- Please, no!
751
00:31:43,556 --> 00:31:45,264
How am I gonna get
Lin-Manuel?
752
00:31:45,264 --> 00:31:48,139
- Mufti #3:
You're being a baby.
- ( chattering )
753
00:31:48,139 --> 00:31:49,556
Thank you.
754
00:32:01,639 --> 00:32:03,014
Huh. Okay.
755
00:32:03,014 --> 00:32:06,014
- Driver: Here you are.
- All right. Very nice.
756
00:32:06,014 --> 00:32:08,097
- All right.
- Thank you so much
for everything.
757
00:32:08,097 --> 00:32:10,348
I really appreciate it.
Let me, uh-- before you go.
758
00:32:10,348 --> 00:32:11,972
No, I can't take that.
759
00:32:11,972 --> 00:32:13,348
- Oh, no.
- Please, put it back.
760
00:32:13,348 --> 00:32:14,847
- I insist.
- No, I cannot take this.
761
00:32:14,847 --> 00:32:16,722
- What? Come on, please.
- I cannot take it.
762
00:32:16,722 --> 00:32:18,722
- Take the money. What?
- No. You are going
to embar--
763
00:32:18,722 --> 00:32:20,222
- You are offending me.
- You're offending me!
764
00:32:20,222 --> 00:32:22,222
( arguing )
765
00:32:22,222 --> 00:32:23,972
- I'm not taking--
- Look. Yeah, take it.
766
00:32:23,972 --> 00:32:26,389
- I don't want it. Yeah.
- No! Take it back!
767
00:32:26,389 --> 00:32:27,722
I don't want it!
768
00:32:27,722 --> 00:32:29,889
I can't take that
from you, sir!
769
00:32:29,889 --> 00:32:31,473
I will not take
this tip, okay?
770
00:32:31,473 --> 00:32:32,598
Take the money!
771
00:32:32,598 --> 00:32:34,514
You ain't gonna
flip a tip on me!
772
00:32:34,514 --> 00:32:37,389
( theme music playing )
773
00:33:48,473 --> 00:33:49,889
Fatwa! The Musical! is back on.
774
00:33:49,889 --> 00:33:51,514
-SUSIE GREENE: It is?
-We're having a meeting
775
00:33:51,514 --> 00:33:53,514
with Lin-Manuel Miranda
this week.
776
00:33:54,639 --> 00:33:55,972
You better get rid
of the do-rag.
777
00:33:55,972 --> 00:33:57,473
It's in the same family
as a scarf,
778
00:33:57,473 --> 00:33:59,056
as a ascot,
as a pocket square.
779
00:33:59,056 --> 00:34:01,722
I don't think that's
in the scarf-ascot-
pocket square family.
780
00:34:01,722 --> 00:34:03,805
-Man, this is cool.
-I love it.
781
00:34:03,805 --> 00:34:05,639
I have to keep the hat
on during sex.
782
00:34:05,639 --> 00:34:07,139
She's got a thing for cowboys.
783
00:34:07,139 --> 00:34:08,972
Where are the women
who have a bald perversion?
784
00:34:08,972 --> 00:34:12,805
♪ ("CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM"
THEME SONG PLAYING) ♪
60479
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