All language subtitles for Curb Your Enthusiasm S09E05 Thank You for Your Service 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-NTb (1)_track3_[eng]

( theme music playing )

Oh, shoot.
Here we go.

- Good morning, Mr. David.
- Good morning, Sal.

- What a great day
for golf, huh?
- Yeah.

And it's happening,
Mr. David.

- Oh, yeah?
- It's happening.

- Oh.
- Right over
at Will Rogers Park.

There's going to be
a reenactment

of the Revolutionary War,

which I partake in
every year.

You would not believe
some of the people they have.

- No kidding, yeah.
- I'm going to be a redcoat.

Interesting.
You're going to be
in the British army?

I don't have
a great British accent,

- but tell me if you think
this one works.
- Yeah. Okay.

I'm thinking
of two different kinds.

Tell me which one
you like better.

"Oi, is that--
move that gun over here.

- And get ready.
We're going."
- Yeah. Yeah.

- That's kind of a-- a Cockney.
- That's Cockney, yeah.

But I don't know
if that's what they do.

I think, more often,
it's a-- they...

"Gentlemen, strike
the flagstaff deep,
Sir Knight."

( stammering )
Well, they're both
pretty good.

They're good,
so I-- it's gonna be
a remarkable day for me.

Get in there
and play some great golf
today, okay, Mr. David?

Oh, sir, you may find
the main lot full.

- Okay.
- Okay?
You may find it full.

- You can--
- I got it, yeah.

( muffled )
You can-- if you like,

you can just take--
make a right over here.

Right turn, got it.

- Okay, yeah.
- Go to the bottom
of the hill.

- I think
you'll find some open.
- Okay, yeah.

Have a great day.

Fairways and greens,
Mr. David. Don't forget.

Larry:
So, every time I come in,

it's a whole conversation.

The worst mistake I ever made
was rolling down that window,
just to be nice!

And it's been going on
for months and months.

And now,
I'm in this cycle
that never ends.

Once the window goes down,
it cannot go back up.

- Richard: That's right.
- You are stuck.

I'm the only one in the club
who talks to this guy.

I guarantee you.
Do you talk to him?

Not for nine months.
He's annoying as hell.

I really would love to reset
the whole relationship

so I could just drive up,
wave, and be on my way.

I think it's a big bowl
of too late.

You're on your own.

Secretly,

I wish ill things on him
so I don't have to
do this anymore.

It's a terrible thought,
but that's what I think.

By the way, where's
my John Adams biography?

I lent it to you
about six weeks ago.

Yeah, so sorry.

For what reason
do you want it back?

Just to what,
to impress people?

Well, I impressed myself first
that I finished it.

- It's a big book.
It's a fat book.
- Did you?

- Yes.
- Did you finish it?

Of course
I finished it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- It was fantastic.
- It was, huh?

- Who knew about
all this stuff?
- Yeah.

Thomas Jefferson,
and the arguing,

- and the White House, and--
- I'm gonna posit this.

I don't think you read it
in the first place.

- What is this, "Dragnet"?
- I don't think you read it.

- I read the inside flap.
- Okay, you read the flap.

- Good, you read the flap.
- I'll make sure he gets it
back to you.

- Good afternoon,
gentlemen.
- Hi.

I see you've had a chance
to take a look at the menu.

We do have
one addition today.

It is a Dover sole sautéed
in a lemon butter sauce.

- What are you getting?
- I'm gonna get the beet
and goat cheese salad.

- The Vietnamese pho.
- How do they prepare
the Dover sole?

- What did you say, sautéed?
- It's sautéed in a lemon
butter sauce.

- Do you think
they would broil it?
- I could ask.

Okay, look, ask,
but if the chef makes
a face of any kind, okay,

just tell him
to forget it and sauté it.

- I understand.
- Okay, thank you.

Okay.

Richard:
Thanks.

I cannot stay long.

I have to go suit shopping
with my daughter

and my soon-to-be son-in-law
for the wedding.

Yeah, his daughter Sammi's
getting married.

You're kidding me.
Congratulations.

- What kind of guy is he?
- He served in the war
in Afghanistan.

- And, uh...
- Wow.

- Yeah.
- Richard: Is he okay?

No PTSD.
He's one of
the lucky ones.

I asked the chef
to broil the sole,

and he didn't make
much of a face.

Didn't make much
of a face.

What kind of face
is not much of a face?

Well, he can be
a bit inscrutable,

but I wouldn't describe it
as much of a face at all.

Hmm. I'd like
to see that face.

What did--
show it to me.

I asked the chef
if he could broil the sole,

and he went...
( sighs )

( sighs )
Like that?

- ( sighs )
- Well, that's
not much of a face.

- No.
- Okay.

- I'll get it--
I'll get it broiled.
- All right.

- Hey, guys.
- Larry: All right,
thank you so much.

- Hey, Larry.
Hold on.
- Okay.

- How are you, Larry?
- Hey, Ken.

- How you doing?
- Larry: Good.

- Hey, Ken.
- How are you guys?

His wife
just had a baby.

- Oh, the baby!
- Yeah.

- You got a picture?
- Boom. There you go.

Wow! Oh!
Beautiful!

- Ken: Huh?
- Lucky man.

- Thank you so much.
- Ah.

My greatest
treasure.

You know, she looks
a little Asian.

Um, wha-what do you--
what does that mean?

She has a look--
a little Asian look
about her.

That's-- that's weird.
It's a strange thing
to say, Larry.

- Why? What's the big deal?
- What are you getting at,
is all I'm asking.

'Cause most people
would just say, first,
she's beautiful.

I'm saying that,
you know, she just has
a slight Asian look to her.

I feel like you're maybe
saying something's--

something's off
about her.

I'm not saying--
something's on about it.

It's good.
It's a good thing.

- Uh-huh.
- That's a compliment.

- In what way?
- Huge.

- How so?
- She's exotic.

I-- I wish I looked
a little Asian.

Look, I just wanna
walk away.

Can you just--
just take it back

so we can just
put this behind us?

I can apologize
for offending you,

but I can't take back
the remark.

I just want you to say,
"This was my fault.
I apologize."

And then
I can move on.

It's my fault
for offending you.

I apologize.
But she does look
a little Asian.

- Okay, goodbye.
- ( Jeff groans )

- Richard: We all
think she's gorgeous.
- I'm-- I'm sorry, Ken.

I'm sorry.
It's a cute baby,

but she does look a little--
you didn't think she looked
a little Asian?

She looked
a little Asian.

( doorbell rings )

- Who's there?
- Woman: U.S. Postal Service.

( lock clicks )

Mr. David?
I need a signature.

Are you, uh--
are you the new mailman?

- Mailwoman?
- Mail carrier.

- Huh, okay.
Mail carrier.
- Yeah.

Great.
I will take this.

- You will take these.
- All right. Okay.

And I will take
my pen.

- Oh, yeah.
- Thank you.

- People, they steal pens a lot.
- They really do, don't they?

- I bet you lose
a lot of those...
- I have a truck full of 'em.

I haven't talked
to a mailman in a long--

mail carrier
in a long time.

I remember in my building
in Brooklyn growing up,

the women,
they used to flirt
with the mailmen.

They'd come down
in the morning with
their shmatas.

- You know, it was--
- What's a shmata?

A shm-- it's a-- like,
a disgusting house dress.

- It's-- they're hideous.
- Oh, boy. Oh.

You know, my mother
used to encourage me

to work in the post office
when I was younger

'cause she didn't think
I could amount to anything.

- And look what happened.
- And that's not to say that you
couldn't amount to anything.

( chuckles )
But, you know,
she felt that way about me

'cause she wanted me to have
the security of a job,
that's all, you know.

And she thought
it would be easy for me.

Not that it's easy,
but she thought it'd
be easy for me,

because it's
not that much doing.

You bring mail,
you drop it off.

She thought
I could do this.

Uh, yeah.
Anyway, you could
do me a big favor.

Not big,
small favor.

I-- I don't wanna
taint the favor.

- It's a small favor.
- Okay.

Is Richard Lewis
on your route?
He must be.

- Richard-- two blocks over?
- Yes. Have you been to
his house yet today?

Not yet. No.

Could you drop
a book off for me?

I absolutely could.

You'd need to package it up
and put on a stamp.

Look,
I could do that.

I mean, the idea is
that you're going there.

Why not just
drop the book off,
do me a little favor?

It's a little favor.
It's nothing.

I'm pretty sure
the U.S. government

would consider that free mail,
which is kind of illegal.

Don't be such a stickler.
Why are you being
such a stickler?

- It's just--
- Do you think that's
a good quality, stickling?

- Don't stickle.
Don't be a stickler.
- Don't be a stickler?

No. You know what,
if you were going on
a computer date,

one of those things,
and you put down "stickler,"
nobody would call you.

Well, it might be
why I'm still single.

Ah.

Susie: Hey, Jeff,
did you tell Lewis
about our new kitchen?

- No, I did not.
- In the new house?

Richie, it is massive,
this new kitchen.

I mean,
it is just magnificent.

You, especially,
are going to appreciate it.

- I can't wait, honey.
- Why are you especially?

- I have no fucking idea.
- Larry: Yeah, I...

Can I just say something?
It was a genius idea
to start with.

- Oh, fantastic.
- You know, for a married man,
a realtor?

- Come on, man. The best.
- Oh, Jeff,

can you go to the basement
and get me a couple
bottles of wine?

A red and a white,
please?

Could I?
Well, I think I could.

I think I could.

Thank you.

Hey, did you get
the book?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, the mailwoman,
wow!

She's gorgeous.

I'm thinking
of making a move.

- On the mailwoman?
- I don't care what she does.

No profession's
off-limits to me
if a woman's attractive.

All men are like that.
We don't care about
what they do.

We care about
what they look like.
Women are just the opposite.

I think you might be right.
I dated a garbagewoman.

- And we'd shower.
- You dated your
garbagewoman?

We had the shower,
that was the only thing.

Yeah, she was great and smart,
but she needed the money.

- She had a couple of kids.
- I never even saw

a garbagewoman
in my life.

You make up
this story to me

about fucking
a garbagewoman?

- A story would be this--
- That's really odd to me

that you would
make up this story
for what?

- No, here's a fact--
- So I would think

that you fucked a garbagewoman?
Why do you want me
to think that?

- I didn't see her
as a garbagewoman.
- Susie: Hey, Lar?

All right, we're--
we're done. Yeah.

- Hey, Lar,
eat something.
- Hey.

- Are these washed?
- Of course.

What are you--
what kind of question
is that to ask me?

- They look a little sticky.
- They're washed and organic.

Hey, I got
the wedding invite.

- No, you didn't.
- I didn't?

No, that was a save the date.
That was not the invite.

I haven't even had them
printed yet.

- Save the date?
- Yeah.

Are you serious?
That's so stupid.

Larry, everybody
saves dates.

I don't save dates.

The whole system's
screwed up.

You don't need
to send me something

to tell me you're gonna
send me something,
just send it.

If I'm saying
something to you,
I don't say to you,

"I'm gonna say
something to you,"
and then say it.

- I just say it.
- This is the way things
are done, okay, asshole?

You're gonna come,
and you're gonna enjoy it!

All right.
Watch this.

- Terrific.
- Ta-da!

- Unbelievable.
- ( chuckles )
Ta-- come on.

- Ah, look who's here!
The happy couple.
- Hi, everybody.

- Mrs. Greene.
- Oh, my baby.

- Hi, Mom.
- ( kisses )
Victor, my boy.

- How you doing?
How you doing?
- ( kisses )

Okay, so this is
our friend, Richard Lewis.

- Thank you
for your service, bro.
- Oh, thank you. Thank you.

And our neighbors,
Leslie and John.

What a hero you are.
Thank you for your service.

Oh, thank you.
The real heroes
are still there,

- but I appreciate that.
- Thank you for your service.

- Thank you.
- You have a grateful nation.

And this is
our friend, Larry.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Nice to meet you.

Um, yeah, it's, uh...
( chuckles )

You know what?
Um, I'm gonna excuse myself.

Victor.

- Victor.
- Huh? What-- what's...?

You didn't thank him
for his service, asshole.

They thanked him.
Three people thanked him.
Why do I have to thank him?

Fuck, how hard
would it have been?
"Thank you for your service."

Does everybody
have to thank him
for his service?

Now you've ruined
everything, Larry.

I'm making all this
delicious salmon,

and the whole night
is ruined.

- Are you
sautéing that?
- Yes.

Would you mind
broiling mine?

- That a face?
- Get the fuck out.
Leave.

Hmm. Okay.

- Thank you for serving
the hors d'oeuvres.
- Out!

Um, thank you for being
a very good manager.

Thank you for coming over
in this brisk weather.

Thank you for leaving!

Larry:
Must be a lot of work
carrying the mail bag around.

You know
what you could use?

You could use a caddy
on the route.

- I would love
a mail caddy.
- Right?

- Are you kidding me?
- They carry the mail for you.

- Yes.
- 'Cause you walk as much
as I do on a golf course.

- And you're, you know--
you're carrying--
- Probably more.

- I have a caddy.
- I would love a mail caddy.

They'll give you instructions.
"Okay, go up the path,

make a right, you know,
watch out for the dog."

- Yeah.
- I'll mail caddy for you.

- Would you?
- Yeah.

Just talk to
the U.S. government.

I think your mom
would be so proud.

All right,
so what do you want again?

Do you want the--
did you say Milk Duds?

- Milk Duds,
Reese's Pieces...
- Really?

...Junior Mints,
popcorn-- big popcorn.

- And we'll mix them
all together. It's...
- We'll what?

Oh, it's-- it's like
the perfect bite.

It's, like, a little sweet
and a little salty.

- The textures--
- What are you mixing
sweet and salty for?

They're--
they're in conflict.

No, they're
in cahoots.

I don't want
Reese's Pieces
in my popcorn.

It's the perfect
movie treat, I promise.

Do you have
the tickets?

Oh, yeah.
Here you go.

Oh, hey, thanks.
All right.

- I'll get a seat.
- Eh, get me an aisle.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

( film music playing )

Jean? Jean?

Jean?

- ( horse neighs )
- Jean?

Jean? Jean?

- Jean?
- Man: Shh.

( whispers )
Yeah, okay, okay.

Sorry, sorry.

- Jean?
- Man: Shh.

Jean? Jean? Jean!

I'm right here.
I'm here.

Oh, there you are.
Great.

Excuse me. Sorry.
Excuse me.

Sorry.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.

- You're so loud.
- I'm so loud?

I don't understand.
I've been looking for you
for five minutes.

- How come you didn't beckon?
- Why didn't-- why didn't
I beckon?

Yes, you beckon.
You knew I was coming
into the theater.

You gotta wave.
You gotta go like this
so I can see you.

Just look around.
I'm right here.

You-- I can't see
anything from down there.

I'm not gonna
make a scene.

Oh, who's telling you
to make a scene?

Just wave.
Beckon. Beckon.
You gotta beckon.

- That's making a scene.
- Beckoning is not
making a scene.

Making a scene is calling out
the name Jean 10 times.

- Man: Would you shut up?
- You shut up.

Didn't have to
call out my name.

I did because
I couldn't find you.

- All you had to do was look.
- I did look.

What the fuck
is going on here?

( sighs )

Okay, well, guess
I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah, yeah,
you're delivering.

Yeah.

You know what?

I think we ought
to go back

to our previous relationship
of homeowner and mailwoman.

'Cause I gotta tell you,
I have a very difficult time
dating somebody who I'm seeing

on a daily basis-- with you--
like, six times a week.

You know, I've gotta
psych myself up for dates.
It's a big performance.

I gotta shower and shave
and prepare witticisms,

and, you know, it's--
it's a whole thing, and--

Is this what you did
for tonight?

Did you prepare
witticisms for tonight?

Yeah, that whole thing about
the made-up Jewish holiday
"Shecooktus,"

that was all--
that was prepared
beforehand, yeah.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

If you-- if you're
working for UPS

and I saw you
maybe two times a week,

that would be--
that would be fine.

But I-- I have to see you
six times a week.

So, I'd love
to hit the reset button
and just, you know,

we go back to, uh,
homeowner-mailwoman.

No.

- Why not-- wha-- no?
- No.

What, you feel
we're beyond resetting?

- Yeah, I think we are.
- Why?

- Why?
- Yeah, you reset.

- Let's hit the button.
- I don't think I can do that.

Yeah, we hit the--
we hit the big button.

You can't
just press a button.

You can't just
press a button.

Why-- why not?

That a face?

- ( sighs )
- What was it?

What did
the face mean?

What?

Good--
good night.

( sighs )

- Mr. David.
- Hey, Sal.

What ever happened
to rabbit ears?

I can't tell you
how many times my cable
has gone down

right in the middle
of one of my favorite shows.

- Really?
- Has that ever
happened to you?

It's one
of those things.

You're sitting,
you're enjoying,

you've got a nice little
cup of coffee made,

you're ready
to enjoy the news,
a little TV show--

boom, what happens?

The cable goes down.

- Sal, Sal.
- Isn't it horrible?

( stammering )
We can't do this anymore.

Do what, sir?

I'd like to hit
the reset button
on our relationship

and-- and go back
to the way it was

before I ever
put the window down
and started talking.

You know, just drive in
with the window up, wave,
and-- and move on.

- You know, like everybody else.
- You don't enjoy our
conversations?

No, I wouldn't say
I don't enjoy them, but...

- I haven't upset you
in any way...
- No, I'm just--

- I'm very anxious to play--
- I don't mean to be
forward, sir.

No, no, no,
it's nothing
like that at all.

- I just like to get
to the golf course.
- Yes, of course.

- You want to play
with your friends.
- Yeah. Yeah.

I understand exactly
what you're saying,
Mr. David.

- I'm excited
to play, and I can't--
- Well, you can be excited.

- You won't have me
to worry about anymore.
- I'm not--

I'm not worried about--
it wasn't that.

Come on,
d-don't be mad.

- I'm not mad, sir.
- I mean, I'll still drive by.

I'll still see you
with the window up,

and-- I'll see you
with the window up
and I'll wave,

you know, the way--
the way it used to be.

Good.
( sniffs )

Good day, mister.

Eh. Ah.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Listen, I guess,
I don't wanna keep
harping on it,

but Victor
is so obsessed.

I won't even say hurt.
He's obsessed with you not
thanking him for his service.

- It really makes him nuts.
- There's something about
the expression

that I can't quite
get it out of my mouth.

'Cause remember,
he loves "Seinfeld,"

was so looking forward
to spending time with you.

- He just wanted you to...
- Wow, really? My God.

- Just acknowledge the guy.
- Is there anything I can do?

Should I take him
out to lunch?

( scoffs )
You know that Sal

at the gate,
the security guard?

- Mm-hmm.
- He does this, um,

Revolutionary War
reenactment stuff.

- There's one coming up
right here at Will Rogers.
- Okay.

Do you have any idea
how big that would be
for him?

I've heard him talk
about those things.

- Really?
- Yes. He's never gone.

He will love it!
Oh, my God, would he love it.

W-we'll do--
we'll dress up
as soldiers.

- You dress on up.
- I'd love to.

- So it is a good thing
you lowered your window.
- Yeah.

Sir, Mr. Takahashi
would like a word with you.

Okay.

Well, send him
my best.

This can't be good.

Ah, hey,
Chef Curtis.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi. You got a second?

Uh, sure.

Do you remember
the other day,

uh, a waiter asked
if you would broil
the sole?

- Yeah, that's, um-- yep.
- Remember that?

And I'm wondering
when he asked you
that question,

did you-- did you make
a face, by any chance?

- I may have made
a small face, probably. Sure.
- You made a small face?

Would you mind
showing me that face?

- I'd love to see it.
- It's-- I don't--

- I don't think that's-- mm.
- I'd love-- I'd love
to see the face.

Eh, nobody's watching.
Come on, make a face,
make a face.

( sighs )
It was probably
something like...

( sputters )

- Really?
- Yeah, that's...

( stammering )
You did a semi-horse
whinny?

I-- I mean, if you wanna
call it that, sure.

Wow, that's a pretty
strong reaction.

Well, it was
a strong request.

- Was it?
- Yeah.

You know, I prepare it
the way I prepare it

- because it's better.
- I gotta tell you something.

That's not the face that
the waiter presented to me.

The face that
was presented to me
was more like...

- ( blowing breath )
- I don't...

No, I would never
make that face.

That face doesn't even
communicate anything.

( blowing breath )
What's that?

Well, maybe--
maybe it was more...
( exhales )

( blows breath )
No, that's-- I don't...

It was definitely
an expulsion--

there was an expulsion
of air, I'm sure.
( blows )

- ( blows )
- ( blows )

( blows )

- ( blows )
- That doesn't seem close.

- Not close?
- No, it doesn't seem close.

All right, so, anyway,
I want to apologize.

Had I known that
you made a horse whinny
with an eye roll,

I never would've
told you to broil it.

- I made a face, so...
- Oh, you know what?

Well, yes, look,
there he is right here.

I'm gonna go
talk to him.
Hey.

So, uh, remember
the other day,

you made the face
the, uh-- the chef
made for me?

I remember.

Yeah, well...
( chuckles )

I gotta say,
you weren't even--
not even close.

Massively
undersold it.

What are you
talking about?

The chef said that
he went like this...

( sputters )

- No.
- That's nothing like
what you did.

No, when I went
back to him, I said,
"Can you broil the sole?"

And he said...
( blows breath )

And I came back
and I showed you...
( blows breath )

No, the chef went...
( sputters )

- with an eye roll and--
- I mean, he looked up.

- I don't think
it was an eye roll.
- It was definitely an eye roll.

Shh. He went...
( blows breath )

Not even-- not even that.
He went... ( exhales )

( blowing breath )

No. According to him,
he was... ( sputtering )

No. I went in, and I said,
"Can you broil it?"
He said... ( blows )

I said--
and then I came back to you
and I said... ( blowing )

- ( blows )
- ( blows )

- ( blows )
- ( blows )

- ( blows )
- ( blows )

All right, well,
it's a little confusing,
I must say.

I brought you
exactly what he gave me.

It's a clash
of faces.

- ( knocking on door )
- Enter.

You wanna see me,
Mr. Takahashi?

- Yes.
- Close the door?

Yes.

No.

Um...

so, what is the nature
of the summons?

It has been brought
to my attention

that you have
disgraced Ken Carmen
and his wife, Shelly.

Oh, no.

I made a comment
about their child.

I said it looked
a little Asian,

and it does look
a little Asian.

So what?
It's a compliment--

Stop!

We will decide
what punitive action
to take.

Punitive action?
Why? Wh-why?

Expect a letter soon.

- Soon?
- Yes.

A day? Two days?
Four days?

Everybody know
what "soon" is.

I don't know
what "soon" is.

Soon is soon.

- Soon is not soon.
- Soon is soon.

Soon is not soon.

Soon is when
I say it is.

All right,
I'll expect a letter
in a couple of days

unless you tell me
otherwise right now.

Go!

Go.

Hey, did you get
the mail today?

- Haven't seen any mail.
- Did you check the box?

Twice.
No mail.

- Haven't seen any mail
in three days.
- ( sighs )

( phone ringing )

Hello.
Who is it?

Hey. Did, uh--
did you get mail today?

Of course I got
the mail today.

- Why? What's wrong?
- ( sighs ) Fuck!

All right, thanks.

Damn it!

Mm-hmm.

We're not
getting mail.

The mailwoman
has stopped delivering

since--
since our date.

Had the same situation
with a girl at Burger King.

Haven't had a Whopper
in fucking three years.

Yeah. You can't
go back there, right?

I know, you can't--
you can never go out

with somebody
you have contact with
on a daily basis

or weekly basis
or yearly basis.

You can only date
people you don't know

and you'll never,
ever see.

She has a route to do.
She fucking delivers mail.

She has a fucking route
she gotta fucking hit.

There's also-- there's also
a post office credo.

They should put
"spite" in there.

"Neither rain nor snow
nor heat nor spite

shall keep
these couriers."

That'd be cool,
but that's not how
this shit work.

You hit the fucking
reset button.

I wanted to go back to--
to just her delivering mail

and, uh,
me saying hello.

Now look at us,
no fucking mail.

You know how much shit I got
coming to this house?

- What?
- I got my CD
of the Month Club--

I'm not getting
my fucking CDs--

my DVDs,
all kinds of shit
comes here.

Yeah, you know what I got?
I got a letter from
Mr. Takahashi,

who I'm waiting for, and--
and I'll never get it now.

And now I don't know
if I'm in the club or not.

So, next time
you tap that ass...

I didn't tap--
I didn't tap any ass.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
Wait a minute.

You didn't tear
that ass up?

No.

- Just a fucking date?
- That's it.

You didn't hit it?

And you going through
the same shit if you had
hit it?

Nope, nope.
I didn't hit it,
I didn't tap it,

I didn't tear into it,
and we still get no mail.

Unbelievable.

Hey, Sal!

Hey, Sal,
put the gate up?

I'm expecting this letter
from the club,

but I had a fight
with my mailwoman,

so I'm not getting
any mail,

and I just wanted
to go find out about,

uh, what-- what the letter
was all about, so.

You're supposed to
get a letter?

Yeah, but
the mailwoman wouldn't--
wouldn't deliver it.

And why is that,
Mr. David?

Uh, I hit the--
the reset button.

- Oh, that button. Yeah.
- Yeah.

You've hit that before,
haven't you, sir?

Unfortunately, Mr. David,
you are at the very top of
the do not admit list.

- You're kidding!
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, Sal.
- It's the truth.

- Huge misunderstanding here.
- Let me double-check.

No, you're completely forbidden
from entering the premises.

You're not gonna
open the gate?

You're on
our list, sir.

You know what, I was
the only one in this club
who ever spoke to you.

- Sir, please back out.
- I regret every conversation
I had to sit through.

- So unbelievably boring
about your fucking cat...
- Do I need to call security?

I will call security
or I will deal with you
myself, sir.

Not one person
spoke to you except me.

And now I'm being
punished for it?

Sir, you can
back out, please.

10 years I came up here,
I put the window down.

I talked to you,
and I was suffocating

from the bullshit
and drivel

that was coming
out of your mouth...

Back out your car,
please.

And don't bump
into the speaker
on your way out.

- Fine.
- ( tires screech )

( chatter )

Huh? What do you
think, Victor?

( chuckles )
That's a good look.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Yeah, you look
very honorable.

Hey,
look who's here.

- Hi.
- Good morning,
gentlemen.

Good morning,
Mr. Franklin.

And how are you
this fine day?

I am fine.
And you?

I'm-- I'm well,
thank you.

Now, gentlemen,
make haste slowly.

- Make-- make haste slowly.
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

- Make haste slowly.
- ( chuckles )

- Huh? You like that?
- Yeah, I like that.

Attention, camp.

His Excellency,
General George Washington.

Thank you, General,
for the kind introduction.

As you were, gentlemen.
And who are these fine
gentlemen here?

General:
Recruits, sir.

Private Chesnik
reporting for duty, sir.

Lieutenant David
reporting for duty, sir!

- Lieutenant?
- I, uh-- I elevated myself
somewhat, yes.

Okay, well, are you ready
to die for your country?

I'm ready to play dead
for my country,

which nobody
could do like I can
if I put my mind to it.

Indeed, well, gentlemen,
I have lots of work to do
to tend to an army,

- so we shall
see you at the end.
- Yes. Go, tend to your army.

- Thank you very much.
- Yes.

He's quite
a disappointment.
( chuckles )

( music playing )

General:
Attention!

Battalion!

- Man: Company!
- Men: Ready!

- Forward at
the half step.
- All right!

- March!
- Man: March!

( music playing )

Redcoat:
Ready!

Forward... march!

General:
Battalion halt!

- Man: Halt!
- Men: Halt!

Front rank, ready?

Man:
Make ready!

( men shouting )

Take aim!

Generals:
Fire!

General:
Fire!

( groans )

What are you--
what are you doing?

You got three hours
to go, here.

Are you crazy?
Get up. This is nuts.

General:
By God, sir,
get back in rank.

Larry:
You're not
gonna have any fun.

Come on, he's not
gonna have any fun.

That's not fair.
It's not fair.

Let him live.
Let him live.

Larry come on,
get back in line.

- Fall back, come on.
- No. It's so stupid.

General:
Reload! Reload!

- Victor: Hey, Larry.
- Larry: What the hell was that?

- Victor: What was that?
- Larry: Was that real?

There's a crater
in the ground.

Both:
Oh, my God!

Larry! Larry!
What the hell is this, man?

- This is real!
This is real!
- Oh, my God.

Victor:
Somebody's
shooting at us, man!

Ah! Incoming!

It's live rounds, Larry!

- What the fuck?
- It's Sal!

- Sal? Who's Sal?
- Sal.

Larry:
He's a security guard
from my golf club.

Why is he trying
to kill us, man?

I told him
I didn't wanna say
hello to him anymore.

- What?
- ( gasps )

Hello, Sal!
I'm sorry!

( yells )

- Incoming!
- ( Larry grunts )

Aah!

( high-pitched ringing )

- ( explosions )
- ( machine-gun fire )

( muffled )
Hello!

How's your cat?

( helicopter blades
whirring )

Hello, Sal.
How you doing?

Soldier's voice: Hot.
Hot contact, hot contact.
We need air now.

- ( Larry shouting, muffled )
- Soldier's voice: Man down!
Man down!

Come on!
Come on!

Let's go!
Come on!

( choir singing )

( man shouting )

For Britain
and King George!

( shouting )

- Charge!
- ( all shouting )

( both panting )

Larry!
Larry, get up, get up.
Are you all right?

Yeah.
I'm good, yeah.
( panting )

- What the...?
- Motherfucking redcoats!

God, those
motherfuckers.

- God damn it,
what the hell was that?
- Come on, come on.

Fuck.
God damn it.

Come on.
I have no idea
where we are.

No idea.

You know what?
I think I know
where the car is.

I think it's that way.

Yeah.

"Mister Tee"?

Hey, that's
Mr. Takahashi's car.

Who's Mr. Takahashi?

What the hell
is he doing here?

- Oh, fuck.
- Oh, my God.

- Ken's wife?
- ( window whirs )

This is interesting,
because I was coming
over to the car

to ask you
about the letter,

but, uh,
I don't think that'll
be necessary anymore.

Do me a favor,

will you call the club
and tell them

I'm coming over
to play some golf?

Okay.

See you at the club.
Take care.

I knew that baby
looked a little Asian.

Hey, let's play
some golf.

I don't know.

What? No, come on.
It'll be fun.

- ( sighs )
- I think the car's that way.

Hello, Mr. David.
Nice to meet you.

I'm Randy.
I'm new here.

How are you?
I was told you'd be
heading over.

Yeah.

( sighs )

That's how you do it.
That's how you do it.

Larry:
All right, look,
you know, I got--

I got clothes
in my locker
we can wear

or we could just
take these jackets off.

Doesn't really matter
what we're playing in.

Victor:
What the fuck is this?

Larry:
You all right?

( muffled explosions )

Victor:
Oh, fuck.
Pull over! Pull over!

- 10:00. Redcoats, man.
- ( tires screech )

Larry, there's
fucking redcoats, man!

- You motherfuckers!
- Larry: Hey.

Don't tread on me,
motherfuckers!

- Come on! Yeah!
- Larry: Hey! No!

It's your last day,
you bitches.

- Get the fuck outta here!
- They're valets!

( shouting )
Come on, man!

Man:
Hey, please!
( screaming )

- ( screaming continues )
- ( sighs )

Hey, asshole!
Here's your mail.

Welcome home, soldier.
Thank you for your service.

( theme music playing )

What is this, tap?

-Yes it is.
-LARRY DAVID: Oh.

Surprised you don't
have a filter.

You have no filter.

I am trying my best
to accommodate you.

LARRY:
It doesn't seem like it.

You're not goin' through
ruling it.

You're not doing unto others
as you would have others
do unto you.

Unfortunately, the golden rule
is not a federal regulation.

Golden rule's on top,
federal law is second!

I have to make a choice.

It's either Larry David
or Marilyn.

-Who'd you pick?
-I took Marilyn.

I would have made
the same decision.

Let's face it, at this point
in our lives, it's...

not so easy to find people
to have sex with us.