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1
00:00:06,668 --> 00:00:09,585
( theme music playing )
2
00:00:13,626 --> 00:00:16,085
- ( chatter )
- Larry: Where's our food?
3
00:00:16,085 --> 00:00:19,002
It's-- the service
of this place,
it's horrible.
4
00:00:19,002 --> 00:00:20,169
- Taking a year.
- I know.
5
00:00:20,169 --> 00:00:22,043
- What the hell?
- I know.
6
00:00:22,043 --> 00:00:23,585
I confirmed it,
by the way.
7
00:00:23,585 --> 00:00:26,252
Cheryl and Ted
are a thing.
8
00:00:26,252 --> 00:00:28,835
They went
to Hawaii together.
9
00:00:28,835 --> 00:00:31,835
- Really?
- Yeah. Yeah.
10
00:00:31,835 --> 00:00:35,294
- Jeez.
- So, this is really hard
to look at.
11
00:00:35,294 --> 00:00:37,169
Yeah, well,
how do you think I feel?
12
00:00:37,169 --> 00:00:38,543
- You think I enjoy it?
- Okay.
13
00:00:38,543 --> 00:00:40,585
I never should've
done that show.
14
00:00:40,585 --> 00:00:42,002
That "Kimmel" show.
15
00:00:42,002 --> 00:00:43,751
God damn it.
16
00:00:43,751 --> 00:00:45,460
Hi, I'm the manager.
17
00:00:45,460 --> 00:00:47,085
There's been a delay
in your meals.
18
00:00:47,085 --> 00:00:48,626
I'm very sorry.
19
00:00:48,626 --> 00:00:50,793
There's been
a disturbance
in the kitchen.
20
00:00:50,793 --> 00:00:52,335
But we're taking
care of it.
Thanks.
21
00:00:52,335 --> 00:00:54,127
Well, what kind
of disturbance?
22
00:00:54,127 --> 00:00:57,294
A general disturbance.
23
00:00:57,294 --> 00:00:59,626
( laughing )
What's a general
disturbance?
24
00:00:59,626 --> 00:01:03,210
Well, let's just say
it was a minor hiccup.
25
00:01:03,210 --> 00:01:05,419
Well, was it a hiccup
or a disturbance?
26
00:01:05,419 --> 00:01:07,127
It's such
a small disturbance,
27
00:01:07,127 --> 00:01:09,460
it might be either one.
28
00:01:09,460 --> 00:01:10,877
What, it's like--
was the chef angry
29
00:01:10,877 --> 00:01:12,960
or did somebody drop
some pots and pans?
30
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:16,501
- What happened?
- Let's just say
the disturbance happened.
31
00:01:16,501 --> 00:01:18,294
Okay, that's a fact,
32
00:01:18,294 --> 00:01:20,377
- and we're taking
care of it, okay?
- ( laughs )
33
00:01:20,377 --> 00:01:21,335
Are you listening
to this?
34
00:01:21,335 --> 00:01:22,835
- Wait a second.
- I am.
35
00:01:22,835 --> 00:01:24,710
How come you won't tell me
what the disturbance was?
36
00:01:24,710 --> 00:01:27,210
Oh, well, that's
a very good question,
37
00:01:27,210 --> 00:01:29,002
- and I'm on top of it.
- Well, thank you.
38
00:01:29,002 --> 00:01:31,002
I'm glad you thought
it was a good question
39
00:01:31,002 --> 00:01:33,002
because it was
a really atrocious answer.
40
00:01:33,002 --> 00:01:36,002
- Well, I beg to differ.
- Let me ask you
this question.
41
00:01:36,002 --> 00:01:38,169
How in God's name
did you get this job?
42
00:01:38,169 --> 00:01:42,585
- I am great at dealing with
these disturbances. Yes.
- Yes, really?
43
00:01:42,585 --> 00:01:45,585
I'm asking that
because you come off
as quite a goofball.
44
00:01:45,585 --> 00:01:47,668
I'm gonna take that
as a compliment.
45
00:01:47,668 --> 00:01:48,585
It's not.
46
00:01:48,585 --> 00:01:50,169
Delicious meal,
by the way.
47
00:01:50,169 --> 00:01:53,169
Did I mention that?
Oh, gosh, I'm jealous.
48
00:01:53,169 --> 00:01:55,710
Is there any question
that you will answer?
49
00:01:55,710 --> 00:01:57,460
Because you haven't
answered one question yet.
50
00:01:57,460 --> 00:01:59,835
For example,
what color is your tie?
51
00:01:59,835 --> 00:02:01,710
- Let me just say this.
- Uh-huh.
52
00:02:01,710 --> 00:02:03,751
- I am wearing a tie.
- Yes, you are.
53
00:02:03,751 --> 00:02:07,543
- What color is it?
- I believe the tie
is self-evident.
54
00:02:07,543 --> 00:02:10,043
- So, the color is there.
- ( hand thuds )
55
00:02:10,043 --> 00:02:11,460
- Okay.
- Okay, great.
56
00:02:11,460 --> 00:02:14,377
- All right.
- Thank you.
57
00:02:14,377 --> 00:02:16,043
( scoffs )
58
00:02:16,043 --> 00:02:17,501
What the hell was that?
59
00:02:17,501 --> 00:02:18,918
Why wouldn't he tell me
what it was?
60
00:02:18,918 --> 00:02:20,960
- What's the big secret?
- I don't know.
61
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:23,543
- I'm going
to the bathroom.
- All right.
62
00:02:23,543 --> 00:02:25,377
( music playing )
63
00:02:41,501 --> 00:02:43,169
- Excuse me.
- Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
64
00:02:43,169 --> 00:02:44,543
The restroom's down
the hallway.
65
00:02:44,543 --> 00:02:47,377
- Are you the chef?
- Yes. Yes, I am.
66
00:02:47,377 --> 00:02:50,127
Oh, okay--
( stutters )
67
00:02:50,127 --> 00:02:51,419
I was sitting
at my table,
68
00:02:51,419 --> 00:02:52,585
the manager
came over to us
69
00:02:52,585 --> 00:02:54,751
and said the food
was gonna be delayed
70
00:02:54,751 --> 00:02:57,085
because
there was a disturbance
in the kitchen.
71
00:02:57,085 --> 00:02:58,710
Oh, yes, I'm sorry
about that, sir.
72
00:02:58,710 --> 00:03:00,793
There was
a small disturbance
in the kitchen,
73
00:03:00,793 --> 00:03:02,918
but if you go have a seat,
we'll get your food
right out to you.
74
00:03:02,918 --> 00:03:04,252
Yeah, I know, thanks.
75
00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:05,751
That's okay.
I mean, everything's fine.
76
00:03:05,751 --> 00:03:07,335
I was just wondering,
77
00:03:07,335 --> 00:03:09,335
you know,
what the disturbance was.
78
00:03:09,335 --> 00:03:11,210
Regular
kitchen disturbance.
79
00:03:11,210 --> 00:03:12,835
They happen all the time.
Nothing to worry about.
80
00:03:12,835 --> 00:03:14,710
You mean somebody
dropped pots and pans
or something?
81
00:03:14,710 --> 00:03:17,501
- Is that what happened?
- It's not that big
of a deal, sir.
82
00:03:17,501 --> 00:03:20,751
It was a minor disturbance
that we have since
taken care of.
83
00:03:20,751 --> 00:03:22,501
- Minor?
- It was perfectly minor.
84
00:03:22,501 --> 00:03:24,710
If it was, then my food
would not have been delayed
by 15 minutes.
85
00:03:24,710 --> 00:03:28,169
- A slight delay in your food.
- It was more than
a slight delay.
86
00:03:28,169 --> 00:03:30,252
- Sir. Sir.
- Tell the truth
about the disturbance.
87
00:03:30,252 --> 00:03:31,835
It wasn't minor,
it was major.
88
00:03:31,835 --> 00:03:33,710
What is this,
an investigation?
89
00:03:33,710 --> 00:03:35,294
This is a kitchen, sir.
90
00:03:35,294 --> 00:03:37,460
I'm just trying
to get some food
to some hungry people.
91
00:03:37,460 --> 00:03:39,960
That's all I wanna do.
And then I wanna go home.
92
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:41,460
- Are you a married man?
- Yes.
93
00:03:41,460 --> 00:03:44,294
- Do you have children?
- Yes.
94
00:03:44,294 --> 00:03:47,043
All right, so you're
having a wonderful afternoon
with the wife and kids,
95
00:03:47,043 --> 00:03:49,377
you go out
to the post office
to get the mail.
96
00:03:49,377 --> 00:03:51,585
You come back,
you hear a big crash,
you open the door,
97
00:03:51,585 --> 00:03:53,793
and your kids
are sprawled out,
unconscious on the floor.
98
00:03:53,793 --> 00:03:55,960
You say to your wife,
"What happened?"
99
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,169
And she goes,
"Oh, there was
a disturbance."
100
00:03:58,169 --> 00:03:59,918
And you go, "What was
the disturbance?"
101
00:03:59,918 --> 00:04:02,793
She goes, "No,
I don't wanna tell you."
How would you feel?
102
00:04:02,793 --> 00:04:06,127
- I would want to know
what the disturbance was.
- That's exactly right!
103
00:04:06,127 --> 00:04:08,085
That's a very specific
situation, sir!
104
00:04:08,085 --> 00:04:12,835
You'd want to know
what the disturbance was,
just like me!
105
00:04:12,835 --> 00:04:14,335
There's no children here!
106
00:04:14,335 --> 00:04:16,252
- ( stuttering )
- You're acting like a child.
107
00:04:16,252 --> 00:04:18,377
You're the child who's
keeping a little secret.
108
00:04:18,377 --> 00:04:19,710
- Yes.
- You got a little secret.
109
00:04:19,710 --> 00:04:21,294
- No, no, I'm the parent.
- Oh!
110
00:04:21,294 --> 00:04:23,543
I'm the parent
who has to worry
about all the things.
111
00:04:23,543 --> 00:04:25,043
- I gotta worry about
getting the food...
- No.
112
00:04:25,043 --> 00:04:27,419
...preparing the food,
and then giving it to you--
113
00:04:27,419 --> 00:04:31,626
No, you're the little baby
who won't tell Daddy
what happened.
114
00:04:31,626 --> 00:04:35,377
- Please leave, sir.
- With pleasure.
115
00:04:35,377 --> 00:04:37,668
All right, fine.
116
00:04:37,668 --> 00:04:40,043
I'm coming!
Bye.
117
00:04:40,043 --> 00:04:41,710
- We gotta go.
- What?
118
00:04:41,710 --> 00:04:45,668
Yeah, Susie's little sister
didn't come home last night.
119
00:04:45,668 --> 00:04:47,501
- Little sister?
- You know, she's part of that
120
00:04:47,501 --> 00:04:49,668
big sister, little sister
mentoring program.
121
00:04:49,668 --> 00:04:51,169
- Oh.
- The girl's
staying with us,
122
00:04:51,169 --> 00:04:53,043
and she didn't
come home last night.
123
00:04:53,043 --> 00:04:55,377
- Can I help you
with anything?
- No, we're good.
124
00:04:55,377 --> 00:04:58,501
- We're leaving.
- That whole disturbance
thing threw us for a loop.
125
00:04:58,501 --> 00:05:00,210
Well, yeah,
I'm taking care of it.
126
00:05:00,210 --> 00:05:02,710
We're too disturbed
to eat right now.
127
00:05:05,127 --> 00:05:07,751
Wow, look at this thing.
128
00:05:07,751 --> 00:05:09,127
New Tesla.
129
00:05:09,127 --> 00:05:10,751
- Nice.
- Yeah.
130
00:05:10,751 --> 00:05:12,585
- Whose is it?
- Ted.
131
00:05:12,585 --> 00:05:14,210
Holy cow.
132
00:05:14,210 --> 00:05:16,751
She didn't come home.
I don't know where
the hell she is.
133
00:05:16,751 --> 00:05:19,085
I've called everybody.
What can I do?
134
00:05:19,085 --> 00:05:23,043
- Oh, finally.
Jeff, she's not back!
- I know, I'm sorry.
135
00:05:23,043 --> 00:05:25,335
- Come here, I wanna
show you the tapes.
- Hi, Ted Danson.
136
00:05:25,335 --> 00:05:26,710
Yeah, it's me, asshole.
137
00:05:26,710 --> 00:05:29,377
Okay?
It's my fatwa disguise.
138
00:05:29,377 --> 00:05:32,210
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
139
00:05:32,210 --> 00:05:35,127
- ( laughs )
- He was at the hotel.
140
00:05:35,127 --> 00:05:38,002
I'm sorry,
were you just at a hotel
in the Marina, following us?
141
00:05:38,002 --> 00:05:40,419
- You were
following us, weren't you?
- I was not following you.
142
00:05:40,419 --> 00:05:43,585
I was in the hotel.
That's where I was hiding.
143
00:05:43,585 --> 00:05:45,043
Why didn't you say hi?
144
00:05:45,043 --> 00:05:47,501
I was going to,
but I had to talk
to the hotel manager
145
00:05:47,501 --> 00:05:48,918
about the pickle jar.
146
00:05:48,918 --> 00:05:50,668
- The pickle jar?
- The pickle jar.
147
00:05:50,668 --> 00:05:52,543
Yeah, everybody wants
to open a pickle jar.
148
00:05:52,543 --> 00:05:54,877
- Don't you wanna
open a pickle jar?
- Cheryl: Okay.
149
00:05:54,877 --> 00:05:58,252
- Could you get me some
sparkling water, please?
- Yes.
150
00:05:58,252 --> 00:06:00,501
Oh, and T, can you get
a lemon with that, please?
151
00:06:00,501 --> 00:06:03,127
T? Oh, "T"?
152
00:06:03,127 --> 00:06:06,543
- What is that?
It's unseemly.
- It's short for Ted.
153
00:06:06,543 --> 00:06:08,210
You never gave me
any little nicknames.
154
00:06:08,210 --> 00:06:10,419
Could've called me L.
You didn't call me L.
155
00:06:10,419 --> 00:06:11,918
You didn't call me D.
156
00:06:11,918 --> 00:06:13,793
You could've
called me "Elvid."
157
00:06:13,793 --> 00:06:15,710
- I'm sorry, "Elvid"?
- Yeah, "Elvid."
158
00:06:15,710 --> 00:06:17,501
- As a term of endearment?
- Yeah.
159
00:06:17,501 --> 00:06:19,960
Like, "Let's spoon,
Elvid"?
160
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,626
- Yeah, "Elvid."
- Okay.
161
00:06:21,626 --> 00:06:23,169
You know what?
Enough with this bullshit,
all right?
162
00:06:23,169 --> 00:06:25,127
Enough with the nicknames.
Nobody gives a shit.
163
00:06:25,127 --> 00:06:27,626
We're looking
for my little sister.
We have to find her.
164
00:06:27,626 --> 00:06:29,335
She's 15.
How do you know
she's gone?
165
00:06:29,335 --> 00:06:31,002
She's probably
at her boyfriend's house.
166
00:06:31,002 --> 00:06:32,751
Susie:
She doesn't have
a boyfriend.
167
00:06:32,751 --> 00:06:36,543
This kid, Larry, oh!
She is so talented.
168
00:06:36,543 --> 00:06:39,419
- You think Sammi
was talented at her age?
- No, I don't.
169
00:06:39,419 --> 00:06:40,751
Oh, stop it!
Look at this.
170
00:06:40,751 --> 00:06:42,626
Look at this tape.
Look at that dancing.
171
00:06:42,626 --> 00:06:44,793
- ( music playing )
- Huh? Is that amaz--
look at her, oh.
172
00:06:44,793 --> 00:06:46,419
Larry:
Got attitude.
173
00:06:46,419 --> 00:06:47,793
It's wonderful.
Okay, I've seen plenty.
174
00:06:47,793 --> 00:06:48,793
Thank you, I got it.
175
00:06:48,793 --> 00:06:50,002
I get it.
I got it.
176
00:06:50,002 --> 00:06:51,626
What do you get?
You don't get shit.
177
00:06:51,626 --> 00:06:53,877
- I got it.
- All right,
we gotta find the kid!
178
00:06:53,877 --> 00:06:56,252
- What, do you want me to watch
the whole dance recital?
- Yes, I do, all right?
179
00:06:56,252 --> 00:06:59,377
- We're gonna form
a search party and find her.
- A search party?
180
00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:01,793
What are we,
in Tulsa, Oklahoma,
in 1870?
181
00:07:01,793 --> 00:07:03,252
Find her!
Let's go.
182
00:07:03,252 --> 00:07:04,668
- Everybody, split up.
- Yes.
183
00:07:04,668 --> 00:07:06,543
Cheryl:
Let's go.
Split up.
184
00:07:06,543 --> 00:07:07,960
I thought
you were okay
with this.
185
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,085
- What's going on, man?
- Hey, do me a favor.
186
00:07:10,085 --> 00:07:12,835
- Yeah.
- Can I look for the kid
in your Tesla?
187
00:07:12,835 --> 00:07:13,960
I'd like to drive it.
188
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:15,835
- All right, okay.
- Thanks, T.
189
00:07:15,835 --> 00:07:18,002
( music playing )
190
00:07:32,002 --> 00:07:34,460
Come on.
191
00:07:34,460 --> 00:07:36,210
( horn honking )
192
00:07:37,460 --> 00:07:38,877
( sighs )
193
00:07:38,877 --> 00:07:40,043
- What?
- ( car door closes )
194
00:07:42,252 --> 00:07:44,668
- What?
- I don't appreciate
that beep, sir.
195
00:07:44,668 --> 00:07:47,710
Oh, well, you know,
the light had turned green
196
00:07:47,710 --> 00:07:49,210
and I gave you time.
197
00:07:49,210 --> 00:07:50,918
You must've drifted off
or something.
198
00:07:50,918 --> 00:07:52,877
- No, I didn't drift.
- Were you daydreaming?
199
00:07:52,877 --> 00:07:55,543
No, I was doing
important police business.
200
00:07:55,543 --> 00:07:57,710
Well, with all due respect,
a green light is not the time
201
00:07:57,710 --> 00:07:59,377
to be doing
police business.
202
00:07:59,377 --> 00:08:01,127
Sir, I don't appreciate
203
00:08:01,127 --> 00:08:02,585
the aggressiveness
of the beep.
204
00:08:02,585 --> 00:08:04,169
Oh, yeah, well,
you know what?
205
00:08:04,169 --> 00:08:07,002
This is my friend's car
and I'm not really attuned
206
00:08:07,002 --> 00:08:09,543
to the subtleties
of the horn yet.
207
00:08:09,543 --> 00:08:13,085
It was merely
just a reminder beep,
a subtle way of telling you,
208
00:08:13,085 --> 00:08:14,543
"Time to go.
209
00:08:14,543 --> 00:08:17,043
Let's get moving.
Move it on."
210
00:08:17,043 --> 00:08:18,877
License and registration,
please.
211
00:08:18,877 --> 00:08:20,918
- I'm gonna write you
a ticket.
- A ticket?
212
00:08:20,918 --> 00:08:23,543
It was a bad decision
on your part to honk
at a police officer.
213
00:08:23,543 --> 00:08:25,210
Oh, what-- why?
Are you above the beep?
214
00:08:25,210 --> 00:08:27,501
Absolutely.
I'm a police officer.
I protect your rights.
215
00:08:27,501 --> 00:08:29,169
My rights to beep.
216
00:08:29,169 --> 00:08:30,793
- That's one of my rights.
- Yeah, but you don't--
217
00:08:30,793 --> 00:08:32,169
Beeping, that's a right.
218
00:08:32,169 --> 00:08:34,043
That's America.
We're allowed to beep.
219
00:08:34,043 --> 00:08:35,626
Yeah? Well, I'm allowed
to write this ticket.
220
00:08:35,626 --> 00:08:37,252
- ( sighs )
- Good. Write it.
221
00:08:37,252 --> 00:08:38,668
You getting smart
with me, boy?
222
00:08:38,668 --> 00:08:41,085
I'm not getting smart.
I am smart, by the way.
223
00:08:41,085 --> 00:08:42,501
- I'm smart.
- Yeah.
224
00:08:42,501 --> 00:08:44,585
And of course I'll be
protesting this ticket.
225
00:08:44,585 --> 00:08:47,419
I hope you enjoy
your day in court.
226
00:08:47,419 --> 00:08:50,419
Here you go.
Have a nice day.
227
00:08:50,419 --> 00:08:52,043
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
228
00:08:52,043 --> 00:08:54,960
You made my day.
No one's above the beep.
229
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:57,377
No one!
230
00:08:57,377 --> 00:08:59,377
( music playing )
231
00:08:59,377 --> 00:09:01,626
( cards shuffling )
232
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:06,294
( exhales )
233
00:09:06,294 --> 00:09:08,294
- Mm.
- They're not coming.
234
00:09:08,294 --> 00:09:09,127
No.
235
00:09:10,835 --> 00:09:13,793
- They're not coming.
- No.
236
00:09:13,793 --> 00:09:17,252
- ( bottles clinking )
- Not even a text.
237
00:09:17,252 --> 00:09:19,460
You know why?
They're afraid to be
on the text chain.
238
00:09:19,460 --> 00:09:20,918
- Yep.
- 'Cause of the fatwa.
239
00:09:20,918 --> 00:09:22,501
Mm-hmm.
240
00:09:22,501 --> 00:09:24,585
That's fucked up.
241
00:09:24,585 --> 00:09:27,377
They are really showing
their true colors.
242
00:09:27,377 --> 00:09:28,793
They don't have no colors.
243
00:09:28,793 --> 00:09:30,960
They're white.
There's no fucking color.
244
00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:32,793
I should just
have over black friends.
245
00:09:32,793 --> 00:09:35,751
If you want,
I'll go over there
and fuck somebody ass up.
246
00:09:35,751 --> 00:09:37,294
I'll take Swat over there.
247
00:09:37,294 --> 00:09:39,294
I seen Swat kick
a motherfucker one night
248
00:09:39,294 --> 00:09:42,169
and broke
his fucking back
like this.
249
00:09:42,169 --> 00:09:44,626
He turned
that motherfucker
into a human wallet.
250
00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:45,877
What did the guy do?
251
00:09:45,877 --> 00:09:48,002
Motherfucker
started mumbling.
252
00:09:48,002 --> 00:09:50,002
The one thing
you don't wanna do
253
00:09:50,002 --> 00:09:52,793
around Swat is to speak
under your breath.
254
00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:56,002
I can't mumble at all?
I like to mumble.
255
00:09:56,002 --> 00:09:57,835
Don't mumble about him.
256
00:09:57,835 --> 00:09:59,002
Hey, let me
ask you a question.
257
00:09:59,002 --> 00:10:01,169
Have you seen
my sunglasses?
258
00:10:01,169 --> 00:10:03,085
My-- you know,
my Dr. Strangelove
sunglasses?
259
00:10:03,085 --> 00:10:05,335
I know what you're
talking about, but, no,
I haven't seen them.
260
00:10:05,335 --> 00:10:08,002
I've been looking
all over for them.
I love those glasses.
261
00:10:08,002 --> 00:10:09,793
( kitchenware
clattering )
262
00:10:09,793 --> 00:10:11,002
Swat, God damn!
263
00:10:11,002 --> 00:10:12,585
What the fuck's
going on in there, man?
264
00:10:12,585 --> 00:10:14,918
I'm cooking, man.
Nothing going on.
Just cooking.
265
00:10:14,918 --> 00:10:16,335
You're causing
a fucking disturbance.
266
00:10:16,335 --> 00:10:18,169
Yeah, yeah,
you're making
a disturbance.
267
00:10:18,169 --> 00:10:20,460
This ain't no disturbance.
I'm cooking chicken spaghetti.
268
00:10:20,460 --> 00:10:22,877
No, it's not
up to you to say whether
it's a disturbance or not.
269
00:10:22,877 --> 00:10:25,419
We're the ones
being disturbed.
It's our call.
270
00:10:25,419 --> 00:10:27,877
( muttering )
Yeah. No, he wasn't making
a fucking disturbance, was he?
271
00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:30,460
- That's not a disturbance.
- What the fuck you say?
272
00:10:30,460 --> 00:10:34,127
( normal voice )
Oh... no, it's his turn
to deal.
273
00:10:34,127 --> 00:10:35,877
We're playing War.
274
00:10:35,877 --> 00:10:38,877
We're playing cards.
275
00:10:38,877 --> 00:10:42,043
- I just fucking told you,
don't talk under your breath.
- ( phone chiming )
276
00:10:42,043 --> 00:10:44,294
You wanna get fucked up?
277
00:10:44,294 --> 00:10:47,960
Okay, well, this is
the coup de grâce.
278
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:51,835
They canceled golf
on Saturday.
279
00:10:51,835 --> 00:10:54,793
( sighs )
Oh, man, I can't live
like this anymore.
280
00:10:54,793 --> 00:10:56,085
I just can't.
281
00:10:59,460 --> 00:11:01,877
There's only one man
who could help me.
282
00:11:03,169 --> 00:11:05,043
( music playing )
283
00:11:11,585 --> 00:11:13,918
- Man over intercom: Yes?
- Yeah, it's Larry David.
284
00:11:13,918 --> 00:11:15,377
( gate buzzes )
285
00:11:21,085 --> 00:11:22,419
- Mr. David?
- Yes, sir.
286
00:11:22,419 --> 00:11:25,751
We've been expecting you.
Please come in.
287
00:11:25,751 --> 00:11:27,377
Okay.
288
00:11:31,710 --> 00:11:33,419
And if you'd
follow me.
289
00:11:36,460 --> 00:11:37,751
This way.
290
00:11:42,918 --> 00:11:45,085
Mr. David
is here now, sir.
291
00:11:45,085 --> 00:11:48,668
Oh, Mr. David, come in.
Please have a seat.
292
00:11:48,668 --> 00:11:51,002
Thank you.
Thank you for seeing me,
Mr. Rushdie.
293
00:11:51,002 --> 00:11:53,918
- No, call me Salman.
- It's not "Salmon"?
294
00:11:53,918 --> 00:11:57,585
- "Saul-mahn."
- Salman? There's an accent
on the second syllable.
295
00:11:57,585 --> 00:12:00,626
Exactly.
Now, tell me
why you're here.
296
00:12:00,626 --> 00:12:04,460
Oh, well,
I'm sure you, uh--
you've heard about--
297
00:12:04,460 --> 00:12:05,710
Yeah, I heard
about your problem.
298
00:12:05,710 --> 00:12:07,460
And I thought
if there's anybody
299
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:10,252
who could understand
what I'm going through,
it's you.
300
00:12:10,252 --> 00:12:12,294
And to tell you the truth,
I'm at my wit's end.
301
00:12:12,294 --> 00:12:15,543
Let me tell you something.
It took me a long time.
302
00:12:15,543 --> 00:12:18,210
It took me
maybe several years
303
00:12:18,210 --> 00:12:21,002
to get to the point
that I'm going to talk
to you about now.
304
00:12:21,002 --> 00:12:22,543
I want to give you
a shortcut,
305
00:12:22,543 --> 00:12:25,127
which is that, yeah,
it is all those things.
306
00:12:25,127 --> 00:12:28,543
It can be scary,
it can be bewildering,
et cetera.
307
00:12:28,543 --> 00:12:31,835
But there are things
that you gain.
308
00:12:31,835 --> 00:12:33,377
There are a lot of women
309
00:12:33,377 --> 00:12:37,294
who are attracted to you
in this condition.
310
00:12:37,294 --> 00:12:39,335
Really? I didn't think
there was any condition
311
00:12:39,335 --> 00:12:41,877
- that they'd be
attracted to me.
- You are a dangerous man.
312
00:12:43,127 --> 00:12:45,085
There are
very beautiful women
313
00:12:45,085 --> 00:12:46,710
who like that.
314
00:12:46,710 --> 00:12:48,419
- Really?
- Yeah.
315
00:12:48,419 --> 00:12:49,918
Even with me
they would like it?
316
00:12:49,918 --> 00:12:51,335
It's not exactly you;
317
00:12:51,335 --> 00:12:54,210
it's the fatwa
wrapped around you.
318
00:12:54,210 --> 00:12:56,002
Like kind of
sexy pixie dust.
319
00:12:56,002 --> 00:12:59,835
- Huh!
- But you have to stop
acting like a wuss.
320
00:12:59,835 --> 00:13:03,710
I mean, look at you.
You look like a person
trying to hide.
321
00:13:03,710 --> 00:13:05,918
- That's exactly right.
- That is not sexy.
322
00:13:05,918 --> 00:13:10,585
Be a man, stop this,
and fatwa sex will follow.
323
00:13:10,585 --> 00:13:14,294
- Fatwa sex?
- The best sex there is.
324
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,210
- Wow!
- Yes.
325
00:13:16,210 --> 00:13:18,585
What about
the fatwa itself?
I don't...
326
00:13:18,585 --> 00:13:21,335
You know, you've survived
many, many years now.
327
00:13:21,335 --> 00:13:23,127
Well, it's, you know--
it's there.
328
00:13:23,127 --> 00:13:25,043
- Yeah.
- But fuck it.
329
00:13:25,043 --> 00:13:27,252
Mm, yeah,
the "fuck it" philosophy.
330
00:13:27,252 --> 00:13:29,419
It's a tough one.
I've tried it with orthotics.
331
00:13:29,419 --> 00:13:31,210
It didn't really work
very well.
332
00:13:31,210 --> 00:13:32,877
No, no, you're-- look,
you're being pathetic.
333
00:13:32,877 --> 00:13:34,877
- Let me help you.
- What?
334
00:13:34,877 --> 00:13:37,377
There. Now, look,
there you are.
335
00:13:37,377 --> 00:13:39,668
You're a man of danger.
336
00:13:39,668 --> 00:13:43,294
The fatwa sex is beginning
to circle around you,
337
00:13:43,294 --> 00:13:44,751
so be a man now.
338
00:13:44,751 --> 00:13:47,751
Let's go out,
get a bite to eat.
339
00:13:47,751 --> 00:13:49,002
Trust me.
340
00:13:51,543 --> 00:13:53,377
Let's eat!
341
00:13:53,377 --> 00:13:56,751
- That's my boy.
- ( exhales )
342
00:13:56,751 --> 00:13:58,419
( music playing )
343
00:13:58,419 --> 00:14:00,127
Salman: Hello.
Table for two, please.
344
00:14:00,127 --> 00:14:02,585
Of course, Mr. Rushdie.
Hello, Mr. David.
345
00:14:02,585 --> 00:14:04,918
( chatter )
346
00:14:10,294 --> 00:14:13,210
( man whispers )
Turn around, turn around.
347
00:14:13,210 --> 00:14:15,127
- Look.
- Oh. It's him.
348
00:14:15,127 --> 00:14:16,751
Oh, my God.
349
00:14:20,918 --> 00:14:23,169
And your server will be
right with you guys.
350
00:14:23,169 --> 00:14:25,335
- Thank you.
- Sure.
351
00:14:25,335 --> 00:14:28,377
Okay, so, you see?
It's not so bad.
352
00:14:28,377 --> 00:14:32,043
Yeah, I'm in a restaurant
having-- having lunch.
353
00:14:32,043 --> 00:14:34,210
You're not behind
some stupid mask.
354
00:14:34,210 --> 00:14:37,252
You can go
in a supermarket,
go to a ball game.
355
00:14:37,252 --> 00:14:40,585
- You'll be a person.
- You know what?
356
00:14:40,585 --> 00:14:41,960
I'm feeling
a lot better
about things.
357
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:43,294
Now, tell me something.
358
00:14:43,294 --> 00:14:45,419
This musical,
it's about me, right?
359
00:14:45,419 --> 00:14:48,210
- Yes.
- So, I mean,
I'm interested.
360
00:14:48,210 --> 00:14:49,835
Who have you got
playing me?
361
00:14:49,835 --> 00:14:53,210
Oh, well, of course,
now, because of this
whole fatwa thing,
362
00:14:53,210 --> 00:14:54,626
it's probably
not gonna happen.
363
00:14:54,626 --> 00:14:56,793
But the guy
I had in mind
364
00:14:56,793 --> 00:15:00,751
was actually
Jason Alexander.
365
00:15:00,751 --> 00:15:03,460
You mean, like,
"George" Jason Alexander?
366
00:15:03,460 --> 00:15:05,793
No, you know,
that was just a character
that he played.
367
00:15:05,793 --> 00:15:08,377
- Ja-- you know--
- There's no remote resemblance.
368
00:15:08,377 --> 00:15:11,294
- ( chuckles )
- I mean, he's short.
He's a lot shorter than me.
369
00:15:11,294 --> 00:15:13,085
He's not--
a lot shorter?
What?
370
00:15:13,085 --> 00:15:15,626
- He's not
that much shorter.
- Inches.
371
00:15:15,626 --> 00:15:17,585
Hmm. Well, who are you
thinking about?
372
00:15:17,585 --> 00:15:19,585
I'm thinking about,
you know, Hugh Jackman.
373
00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:21,793
- That's good.
- ( scoffs ) Hugh Jackman?
374
00:15:21,793 --> 00:15:24,668
- Yeah, he's a triple threat.
- Are you out of your
fucking mind?
375
00:15:24,668 --> 00:15:26,501
He can sing,
he can dance,
he can act.
376
00:15:26,501 --> 00:15:28,085
- Yeah.
- He could totally play me.
377
00:15:28,085 --> 00:15:30,585
I think you're delusional.
Anyway, it's all moot.
378
00:15:30,585 --> 00:15:32,668
What's the difference, you know?
It's not gonna happen.
379
00:15:32,668 --> 00:15:33,960
All right, well,
that's a relief.
380
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,085
It's too bad, too,
381
00:15:35,085 --> 00:15:37,169
because what you said
about fatwa sex?
382
00:15:37,169 --> 00:15:38,419
- Yes.
- Oh, my God.
383
00:15:38,419 --> 00:15:40,169
I would've put that
right in the show.
384
00:15:40,169 --> 00:15:43,210
- That is so perfect.
- But that is not
the only benefit.
385
00:15:43,210 --> 00:15:46,002
For example,
you don't have
to go to anything
386
00:15:46,002 --> 00:15:47,335
you don't want to go to.
387
00:15:47,335 --> 00:15:49,127
- Hmm.
- So, like, your cousin
388
00:15:49,127 --> 00:15:53,335
is giving a reading
of his lousy poetry book,
389
00:15:53,335 --> 00:15:55,377
and you say,
"Sorry, can't make it.
390
00:15:55,377 --> 00:15:57,127
- Fatwa."
- Fatwa.
391
00:15:57,127 --> 00:15:59,960
Somebody calls you,
says, "Can you come
pick me up at the airport?"
392
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,501
You say, "Can't make it.
Fatwa. Can't make it."
393
00:16:02,501 --> 00:16:04,501
This is a fatwa
"Life of Riley."
394
00:16:04,501 --> 00:16:07,419
- Yeah,
with added death threats.
- With the death threats, yeah.
395
00:16:07,419 --> 00:16:11,127
You know what's happening?
I'm feeling, uh, pretty good.
396
00:16:11,127 --> 00:16:13,419
Pretty, pretty good.
397
00:16:13,419 --> 00:16:16,085
Compliments of the lady.
398
00:16:20,543 --> 00:16:22,710
- ( chuckles )
- Oh, my God.
399
00:16:22,710 --> 00:16:25,960
- You know who that is?
- That's Elizabeth Banks,
my friend.
400
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:27,626
She sent you a drink.
401
00:16:27,626 --> 00:16:29,335
This is what
I'm talking about.
402
00:16:29,335 --> 00:16:31,043
Here it is, right here.
403
00:16:33,210 --> 00:16:35,210
Salman, this is--
this is unbelievable.
404
00:16:35,210 --> 00:16:37,377
So don't talk to me.
What are you talking
to me for?
405
00:16:37,377 --> 00:16:39,543
Go talk to her.
406
00:16:39,543 --> 00:16:41,543
Do this.
Go for it.
407
00:16:49,210 --> 00:16:50,419
- Hello.
- Elizabeth: Hi.
408
00:16:50,419 --> 00:16:52,668
Cheers.
May I join you?
409
00:16:52,668 --> 00:16:55,377
- Woman: Yes.
- Although, I should warn you
410
00:16:55,377 --> 00:16:58,626
that it might be--
it might be a bit dangerous.
411
00:16:58,626 --> 00:17:00,294
- Really? Tell us
all about that.
- Yes.
412
00:17:00,294 --> 00:17:03,751
- Is that Salman Rushdie?
- Yes, that's Salman.
413
00:17:03,751 --> 00:17:07,085
We're the, uh--
we're the fatwa boys.
414
00:17:07,085 --> 00:17:09,501
I just can't believe
you're out and about.
415
00:17:09,501 --> 00:17:11,793
- In broad daylight.
- What am I gonna do,
Elizabeth?
416
00:17:11,793 --> 00:17:15,252
Look, I'm not
gonna walk around
with a mustache and a wig.
417
00:17:15,252 --> 00:17:17,419
- Right?
- Yes, you just
face the world.
418
00:17:17,419 --> 00:17:18,419
Absolutely!
419
00:17:18,419 --> 00:17:20,210
Hello, ladies,
I'm the manager.
420
00:17:20,210 --> 00:17:23,585
I really apologize
about your lunch being late.
421
00:17:23,585 --> 00:17:25,751
There was a disturbance
in the kitchen.
422
00:17:25,751 --> 00:17:28,169
- Ah. What kind of disturbance?
- He's not gonna tell you.
423
00:17:28,169 --> 00:17:30,460
- I am about to tell her.
- Yeah, sure, go ahead.
424
00:17:30,460 --> 00:17:32,626
Yes, we have
a very big kitchen,
425
00:17:32,626 --> 00:17:34,377
and we're moving
forward now,
426
00:17:34,377 --> 00:17:36,585
and we're going to get
your meal right away.
427
00:17:36,585 --> 00:17:39,960
- Can't wait.
- He hasn't told you one thing
about the disturbance, has he?
428
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:41,793
He hasn't--
you didn't tell her
about the disturbance,
429
00:17:41,793 --> 00:17:43,127
- just like last time.
- Manager: I believe I did.
430
00:17:43,127 --> 00:17:44,793
I've ticked
all the boxes...
431
00:17:44,793 --> 00:17:46,543
- You didn't tick one box.
- ...of the disturbance.
432
00:17:46,543 --> 00:17:48,793
You didn't tick a box.
The boxes are empty.
433
00:17:48,793 --> 00:17:49,960
I beg to differ.
434
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:51,793
Let's get on
to that delicious lunch.
435
00:17:51,793 --> 00:17:53,710
- ( overlapping voices )
- All right, thank you.
436
00:17:53,710 --> 00:17:55,918
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- It's okay.
437
00:17:55,918 --> 00:17:59,127
I wanna know
everything there is to know
about Larry David.
438
00:18:05,877 --> 00:18:09,002
- To the fatwa boys.
- To the fatwa boys.
439
00:18:09,002 --> 00:18:10,543
( music playing )
440
00:18:10,543 --> 00:18:13,002
He completely
changed my outlook
on this whole thing.
441
00:18:13,002 --> 00:18:14,501
At the end
of the conversation,
442
00:18:14,501 --> 00:18:16,668
he got up,
he ripped off my wig,
443
00:18:16,668 --> 00:18:19,169
and said, "Come on,
we're going out to lunch."
444
00:18:19,169 --> 00:18:20,793
- Unbelievable!
- Welcome. Welcome back.
445
00:18:20,793 --> 00:18:22,335
- Look at you,
you're back to normal.
- Yeah.
446
00:18:22,335 --> 00:18:24,460
- Yes.
- I like
the other look better.
447
00:18:24,460 --> 00:18:26,501
- Ooh, you know what?
She's better every day.
- ( laughs )
448
00:18:26,501 --> 00:18:30,918
Pretty good.
Anyway, Elizabeth Banks
sent a drink to my table.
449
00:18:30,918 --> 00:18:32,294
Oh, my God,
I love her.
450
00:18:32,294 --> 00:18:34,335
- Oh, she's fantastic.
- She's fantastic.
451
00:18:34,335 --> 00:18:37,377
- I know.
I went over to her table.
- Oh, bullshit.
452
00:18:37,377 --> 00:18:40,668
We had
a lovely conversation,
and I saw her last night.
453
00:18:40,668 --> 00:18:43,960
- She's not
interested in you, Larry.
- ( guffaws ) She's swooning.
454
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,751
- Susie: She's swooning?
- She's swooning over me.
455
00:18:45,751 --> 00:18:47,377
- You're delusional.
- Do you know why?
456
00:18:47,377 --> 00:18:49,169
- Because I'm dangerous,
Susie.
- Yeah.
457
00:18:49,169 --> 00:18:50,835
What the hell are you
doing here, anyway?
458
00:18:50,835 --> 00:18:52,877
I think I might've left
my sunglasses here.
459
00:18:52,877 --> 00:18:54,710
You know,
the Dr. Strangelove glasses?
460
00:18:54,710 --> 00:18:56,043
Yeah, would you mind
looking for them?
461
00:18:56,043 --> 00:18:57,377
Yeah, I would mind
looking for them.
462
00:18:57,377 --> 00:18:59,210
I'm busy looking
for a little girl.
463
00:18:59,210 --> 00:19:01,543
All right, well,
when you're outside,
464
00:19:01,543 --> 00:19:03,960
you look for Katie,
and when you're inside,
465
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:06,960
eh... you look
for the sunglasses.
466
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,210
You could do both.
It's like Jeff's Cubs hat.
467
00:19:09,210 --> 00:19:10,335
Have you found
your Cubs hat?
468
00:19:10,335 --> 00:19:11,710
No, I have not.
469
00:19:11,710 --> 00:19:13,377
I'm sure if you ran across
Jeff's Cubs hat,
470
00:19:13,377 --> 00:19:14,626
you would call it
to his attention.
471
00:19:14,626 --> 00:19:16,169
Same thing
with the sunglasses.
472
00:19:16,169 --> 00:19:18,335
- That's all I'm asking.
- Excuse me.
473
00:19:18,335 --> 00:19:20,543
- I don't give a shit
about Jeff's Cubs hat...
- That's all.
474
00:19:20,543 --> 00:19:23,002
...about your
Dr. Strangelove glasses.
475
00:19:23,002 --> 00:19:25,377
I care about this kid,
my little sister.
476
00:19:25,377 --> 00:19:27,668
Just keep it
in the back of your mind.
477
00:19:27,668 --> 00:19:31,043
Look, I've got Katie
in the back of my mind.
478
00:19:31,043 --> 00:19:34,335
I've got
the sunglasses up front,
Katie's in the back.
479
00:19:34,335 --> 00:19:36,294
- Susie:
That's so wrong, Larry.
- But it's always in the back.
480
00:19:36,294 --> 00:19:38,210
Katie should
be in the front
for both of you.
481
00:19:38,210 --> 00:19:40,252
She's not
an inanimate object.
482
00:19:40,252 --> 00:19:42,626
Okay, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do for you.
483
00:19:42,626 --> 00:19:45,419
I'm gonna move Katie
all the way up
to the front.
484
00:19:45,419 --> 00:19:47,793
I'm gonna give her
equal footing with
the sunglasses.
485
00:19:47,793 --> 00:19:49,169
Both in front of my mind.
486
00:19:49,169 --> 00:19:51,252
Where's my Cubs hat
in this scenario?
487
00:19:51,252 --> 00:19:53,501
I can't handle
three in the front.
488
00:19:53,501 --> 00:19:55,793
It's too much.
It's overload.
489
00:19:55,793 --> 00:19:57,918
I'll move Katie
back two paces.
490
00:19:57,918 --> 00:20:00,294
I'm gonna move
your Cubs hat
to the front.
491
00:20:00,294 --> 00:20:01,460
That works perfect.
492
00:20:01,460 --> 00:20:03,793
You two have
no compassion,
493
00:20:03,793 --> 00:20:06,419
have no caring
about another human being.
494
00:20:06,419 --> 00:20:08,085
There's some
partial truth to that.
495
00:20:08,085 --> 00:20:10,460
- Yeah.
- It's an illness,
for sure.
496
00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:13,751
I don't know why I have it,
but I-- I definitely do.
497
00:20:13,751 --> 00:20:15,543
- ( doorbell rings )
- Maybe that's her.
498
00:20:15,543 --> 00:20:17,751
- This is fucking nuts.
- Oh, Ted!
499
00:20:17,751 --> 00:20:19,585
- ( overlapping chatter )
- She's still gone.
500
00:20:19,585 --> 00:20:21,585
- No, she's still gone.
- You're living the life now.
501
00:20:21,585 --> 00:20:23,085
-Jeff: Oh, my God, I love her.
- Bless your heart.
502
00:20:23,085 --> 00:20:24,335
- You poor thing.
- Larry: By the way,
503
00:20:24,335 --> 00:20:26,127
that car of yours
got me a ticket.
504
00:20:26,127 --> 00:20:31,127
- How?
- I was at a stoplight
and I beeped a cop.
505
00:20:31,127 --> 00:20:33,043
What's that have to do
with my car?
506
00:20:33,043 --> 00:20:36,377
Because your horn cannot hit
the subtle notes required
in the art of beeping.
507
00:20:36,377 --> 00:20:38,626
- A beep's a beep.
- A beep is not a beep.
508
00:20:38,626 --> 00:20:41,127
I'm telling you,
that horn is gonna get you
in a lot of trouble.
509
00:20:41,127 --> 00:20:42,252
Mark my words.
510
00:20:42,252 --> 00:20:43,585
So, how much
is a beep ticket?
511
00:20:43,585 --> 00:20:44,751
$275.
512
00:20:44,751 --> 00:20:46,085
Wow. Are you
gonna pay it?
513
00:20:46,085 --> 00:20:48,335
No. I'm fighting it.
514
00:20:49,585 --> 00:20:50,710
( music playing )
515
00:20:50,710 --> 00:20:51,960
Larry:
I mean, Your Honor,
516
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,501
I don't even know
why I'm here.
517
00:20:53,501 --> 00:20:55,501
There should
be no such thing
as a ticket for this.
518
00:20:55,501 --> 00:20:57,835
It's our
inalienable right
to beep.
519
00:20:57,835 --> 00:21:00,085
Without the freedom
to beep,
520
00:21:00,085 --> 00:21:02,960
we are no better
than the beasts
in the field.
521
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:05,501
And I'm not talking
about the common chicken.
522
00:21:05,501 --> 00:21:08,377
I'm talking
about the mighty oxen
and the donkey...
523
00:21:08,377 --> 00:21:10,210
- Donkey.
- ...with his floppy ears,
524
00:21:10,210 --> 00:21:14,877
...his pea-brain
and his stolid,
slack-jawed gaze.
525
00:21:14,877 --> 00:21:18,002
A revolting creature,
if there ever was one...
526
00:21:18,002 --> 00:21:20,335
- O-okay. Okay, all right.
- ...who walked the earth!
527
00:21:20,335 --> 00:21:23,419
That's enough
of that talk about donkeys
and field chickens.
528
00:21:23,419 --> 00:21:25,085
I've got more
about the donkeys--
529
00:21:25,085 --> 00:21:26,460
That's enough.
530
00:21:26,460 --> 00:21:29,085
All right,
so, Officer Jenkins,
531
00:21:29,085 --> 00:21:31,043
you have been
in this courtroom
many times.
532
00:21:31,043 --> 00:21:32,793
How many of those cases
has been because
533
00:21:32,793 --> 00:21:35,960
someone has beeped you?
534
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:37,626
Never, Your Honor.
535
00:21:37,626 --> 00:21:39,710
- Not once.
- A feather in my cap.
536
00:21:39,710 --> 00:21:41,419
I'm a first
to beep a cop.
537
00:21:41,419 --> 00:21:43,294
I'm a pioneer,
Your Honor.
538
00:21:43,294 --> 00:21:45,335
In the mold
of a Rosa Parks.
539
00:21:45,335 --> 00:21:47,918
- Wow. Huh.
- In the mold
of a Jackie Robinson.
540
00:21:47,918 --> 00:21:50,668
Judge:
Mm-hmm. Anyone else
you're in the mold of?
541
00:21:50,668 --> 00:21:54,252
Maybe a Martin Luther King
or a Malcolm X?
542
00:21:54,252 --> 00:21:55,501
Harriet Tubman?
543
00:21:55,501 --> 00:21:56,918
Yes, Harriet Tubman.
544
00:21:56,918 --> 00:21:58,626
Although I'm not quite sure
what she did,
545
00:21:58,626 --> 00:22:01,127
I have a feeling she was
in the pioneer family.
546
00:22:01,127 --> 00:22:02,460
All right,
so do you think that--
547
00:22:02,460 --> 00:22:04,085
I'm sorry, could you
just take a step back?
548
00:22:04,085 --> 00:22:06,710
- You're in the well right now.
- Oh, am I in the well?
549
00:22:06,710 --> 00:22:10,043
- Yeah, that would be
called a well.
- Oh, sorry.
550
00:22:10,043 --> 00:22:12,085
Somebody could've told me
about the well, frankly.
551
00:22:12,085 --> 00:22:13,960
I was talking
to you outside.
552
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:15,835
You never
mentioned anything.
Wouldn't have killed you.
553
00:22:15,835 --> 00:22:18,835
I think we need
to get back to you
beeping right now.
554
00:22:18,835 --> 00:22:21,377
Your Honor,
may I offer you
a cough drop?
555
00:22:21,377 --> 00:22:23,252
You know, you're a judge,
you're talking a lot,
556
00:22:23,252 --> 00:22:24,877
there are people here
all the time.
557
00:22:24,877 --> 00:22:26,335
You get a sore throat.
Take it.
558
00:22:26,335 --> 00:22:27,918
- Take the cough drop.
- I don't need any.
559
00:22:27,918 --> 00:22:29,252
- Take it for later.
- Yeah, all right.
560
00:22:29,252 --> 00:22:30,918
- Okay? Yeah.
- Thank you for your--
561
00:22:30,918 --> 00:22:32,793
- your warm pocket candy.
- You'll thank me.
562
00:22:32,793 --> 00:22:34,626
- Yeah.
- You'll be sucking
on that thing, going--
563
00:22:34,626 --> 00:22:36,252
( smacks lips )
"Boy, that guy
in court today
564
00:22:36,252 --> 00:22:37,877
really had something
with that cough drop."
565
00:22:37,877 --> 00:22:41,085
The chances of me
putting that in my mouth
are very slim.
566
00:22:41,085 --> 00:22:43,918
Well, if you're
not gonna suck on it,
you might as well return it.
567
00:22:43,918 --> 00:22:48,002
What's the point of taking
a cough drop if you're not
gonna suck on it?
568
00:22:48,002 --> 00:22:51,460
- 'Cause I'll use it.
- That may be the first thing
that we've agreed on today.
569
00:22:51,460 --> 00:22:54,210
Now take your unsucked candy
and get back to your desk.
570
00:22:54,210 --> 00:22:56,419
Okay, let the record show
I had a good time
in the well.
571
00:22:56,419 --> 00:22:58,294
- Judge: Hmm.
- That's all I'm gonna
say about it.
572
00:22:58,294 --> 00:22:59,793
Love the well.
573
00:22:59,793 --> 00:23:02,751
- I'm so glad I came.
- Yeah, yeah, me, too.
574
00:23:02,751 --> 00:23:06,210
- Yeah, I'm really glad, too.
- This is not going the way
you wanted it.
575
00:23:06,210 --> 00:23:09,002
Your Honor, are you
listening to what this man
is saying over here?
576
00:23:09,002 --> 00:23:11,793
Huh? Did you listen
to one word-- yoo-hoo.
577
00:23:12,918 --> 00:23:14,960
Mr. David,
did you just--
578
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:16,419
did you just yoo-hoo me?
579
00:23:16,419 --> 00:23:18,335
I did.
I yoo-hooed you.
580
00:23:18,335 --> 00:23:20,294
You weren't
paying attention,
so I yoo-hooed.
581
00:23:20,294 --> 00:23:22,543
Right, so you decided
it was okay to yoo-hoo.
582
00:23:22,543 --> 00:23:24,543
Oh, you can't
yoo-hoo a judge?
583
00:23:24,543 --> 00:23:28,710
You most certainly cannot
yoo-hoo a judge.
584
00:23:28,710 --> 00:23:30,626
I'm affirming
the citation.
585
00:23:32,501 --> 00:23:35,626
Very well.
I will pay your citation.
586
00:23:35,626 --> 00:23:37,294
But I cannot leave
this courtroom
587
00:23:37,294 --> 00:23:40,335
without telling you
that a grave injustice
has been done here,
588
00:23:40,335 --> 00:23:42,543
for I'm not
doing this for me;
589
00:23:42,543 --> 00:23:44,419
I did it for you
and you and you.
590
00:23:44,419 --> 00:23:46,085
- Judge: Bailiff.
- And all of you.
591
00:23:46,085 --> 00:23:47,835
For we are not donkeys.
592
00:23:47,835 --> 00:23:50,335
Or in Brooklyn,
we would say--
593
00:23:50,335 --> 00:23:53,002
we would say "dunkeys"
for some reason.
"Dunkeys."
594
00:23:53,002 --> 00:23:55,043
( music playing )
595
00:24:07,501 --> 00:24:09,501
( groans )
Hey, come on, buddy.
596
00:24:11,169 --> 00:24:15,169
- ( loud honk )
- Oh, jeez, that is--
that is loud.
597
00:24:15,169 --> 00:24:17,043
Oh, no.
No, no, come on.
598
00:24:17,043 --> 00:24:19,543
No, no, I-- I'm sorry.
599
00:24:19,543 --> 00:24:20,751
- Sorry.
- Roll down the window.
600
00:24:20,751 --> 00:24:22,460
That was just
a reminder beep.
601
00:24:22,460 --> 00:24:24,127
( knocking )
602
00:24:24,127 --> 00:24:26,877
That was just
a reminder beep.
I'm sorry.
603
00:24:26,877 --> 00:24:28,543
Reminder beep?
Reminder for what?
604
00:24:28,543 --> 00:24:30,294
Well, but the light
had changed and--
605
00:24:30,294 --> 00:24:32,210
No, no, that was
an aggressive fucking beep.
606
00:24:32,210 --> 00:24:33,918
It's a new car
and I'm not used
607
00:24:33,918 --> 00:24:35,377
to the subtleties
of the beeps.
608
00:24:35,377 --> 00:24:36,877
No, I don't give a shit.
Come here. Get out here.
609
00:24:36,877 --> 00:24:38,460
Wait, wait, wait!
It's me, Ted Danson.
610
00:24:38,460 --> 00:24:41,043
"Becker," "Cheers,"
anything? Jesus.
611
00:24:42,710 --> 00:24:44,377
- Hi, Lar.
- Oh, hello.
612
00:24:44,377 --> 00:24:47,877
- Oh.
- This is my friend,
Elizabeth.
613
00:24:47,877 --> 00:24:49,419
- Elizabeth: Hi!
- Hello, Elizabeth.
614
00:24:49,419 --> 00:24:51,169
- Elizabeth Banks.
- Larry: Yes!
615
00:24:51,169 --> 00:24:52,668
- Hi.
- This is Susie Greene.
616
00:24:52,668 --> 00:24:54,835
Hi. Oh, what a beautiful
house this is.
617
00:24:54,835 --> 00:24:56,252
Hi, Jeff.
This is Elizabeth Banks.
618
00:24:56,252 --> 00:24:58,210
- So nice to meet you.
- Hi.
619
00:24:58,210 --> 00:25:00,377
- Nice to meet you.
- The man behind the man.
620
00:25:00,377 --> 00:25:03,043
- I get it.
- Why don't you
come inside, all right?
621
00:25:03,043 --> 00:25:06,085
Okay, okay.
We'll go inside.
622
00:25:06,085 --> 00:25:08,626
- Thank you, Elizabeth.
- You know, we were just
in the neighborhood
623
00:25:08,626 --> 00:25:10,043
having a little drive.
624
00:25:10,043 --> 00:25:12,751
I heard about
your little sister.
625
00:25:12,751 --> 00:25:14,668
- Susie: Yeah.
Oh, you did? Yeah.
- It's terrible.
626
00:25:14,668 --> 00:25:18,377
I lost a cat once,
so I know how you're feeling.
627
00:25:18,377 --> 00:25:21,419
With all due respect,
losing a cat
628
00:25:21,419 --> 00:25:23,085
is nothing like
losing a child.
629
00:25:23,085 --> 00:25:25,419
Well,
with all due respect,
630
00:25:25,419 --> 00:25:27,501
I mean, that cat
was my child.
631
00:25:27,501 --> 00:25:30,751
And this girl,
I mean, it sounds like
you kind of barely know her.
632
00:25:30,751 --> 00:25:32,626
I would say
I know her quite well.
633
00:25:32,626 --> 00:25:35,377
She's an underprivileged child
we took into our home,
634
00:25:35,377 --> 00:25:37,877
and she feels like
our own little girl.
635
00:25:37,877 --> 00:25:40,460
Well, Mr. Noodle
was a stray as well,
636
00:25:40,460 --> 00:25:42,210
who I brought in
off the street,
637
00:25:42,210 --> 00:25:45,377
and literally
slept on my bosom
for 17 years.
638
00:25:45,377 --> 00:25:46,918
Mr. Noodle slept
on your bosom?
639
00:25:46,918 --> 00:25:48,626
- Yeah, he did.
- Yeah.
640
00:25:48,626 --> 00:25:51,668
- He was a stray?
- I know how much
you miss this girl.
641
00:25:51,668 --> 00:25:54,085
It's-- it's a loss,
for sure.
642
00:25:54,085 --> 00:25:56,169
- It's a huge loss,
and she's a human being.
- Elizabeth: Yeah.
643
00:25:56,169 --> 00:25:58,668
- Flesh and blood.
- Not your flesh and blood.
644
00:25:58,668 --> 00:26:01,835
- Not my flesh and blood,
but I don't discriminate.
- No. Someone else's.
645
00:26:01,835 --> 00:26:04,419
I'm happy to tweet
a recent photo of her.
646
00:26:04,419 --> 00:26:05,960
I do have
a lot of followers.
647
00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:07,877
I have a video
of her dancing.
648
00:26:07,877 --> 00:26:09,793
She's a very
talented dancer.
649
00:26:09,793 --> 00:26:12,419
Oh, we should put that
on my social channels
or something.
650
00:26:12,419 --> 00:26:14,127
I saw her dance.
She's not-- she's not
much of a dancer.
651
00:26:14,127 --> 00:26:15,960
Oh, what the fuck
do you know, Larry?
652
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:17,710
- I saw the tape.
- You know talent?
You know dancing?
653
00:26:17,710 --> 00:26:19,835
I saw the tape of the dancing.
I don't wanna get into it.
654
00:26:19,835 --> 00:26:21,335
What was the last
dance program you ever saw?
655
00:26:21,335 --> 00:26:23,127
Did you go
to Martha Graham? No.
656
00:26:23,127 --> 00:26:26,419
Yeah, because I don't like
to go out of my way
to be bored.
657
00:26:26,419 --> 00:26:28,169
I could show Elizabeth
right now
658
00:26:28,169 --> 00:26:31,085
a video of her dancing,
which is magnificent.
659
00:26:31,085 --> 00:26:33,751
I'll watch that video
and you can watch
660
00:26:33,751 --> 00:26:35,585
a video of Mr. Noodle
chasing a string.
661
00:26:35,585 --> 00:26:37,877
- All right, enough!
- It is the cutest thing
you ever saw.
662
00:26:37,877 --> 00:26:40,043
This is
a underprivileged child...
663
00:26:40,043 --> 00:26:42,169
- Elizabeth: Oh.
- ...who came into our world.
664
00:26:42,169 --> 00:26:44,043
Look, I just wanna
be helpful, you know?
665
00:26:44,043 --> 00:26:46,377
Elvid told me
about the situation and--
666
00:26:46,377 --> 00:26:48,002
- Who?
- Oh, El--
667
00:26:48,002 --> 00:26:49,751
- She calls me Elvid.
- It's my little--
668
00:26:49,751 --> 00:26:51,335
Why the fuck do you
call him "Elvid"?
669
00:26:51,335 --> 00:26:52,793
- It's my little nickname.
- ( stutters ) Nickname.
670
00:26:52,793 --> 00:26:54,460
You know?
I like to have--
he calls me Lizzie,
671
00:26:54,460 --> 00:26:56,501
- I call him Elvid.
- Oh, Jesus.
672
00:26:56,501 --> 00:26:58,127
- ( Elizabeth laughs )
- ( car approaching )
673
00:26:58,127 --> 00:26:59,252
Oh, wait a minute.
674
00:26:59,252 --> 00:27:01,002
A cop car
just pulled up, Jeff.
675
00:27:01,002 --> 00:27:01,877
What is that?
676
00:27:03,710 --> 00:27:05,626
- ( car door beeping )
- Susie: Oh, my God, Jeff!
677
00:27:05,626 --> 00:27:08,419
- My little sister!
- I'm really sorry.
678
00:27:08,419 --> 00:27:11,960
- Susie: Oh, my God!
( screams )
- My glasses!
679
00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:13,501
My glasses!
680
00:27:13,501 --> 00:27:15,377
( music playing )
681
00:27:33,169 --> 00:27:35,835
I'm so happy
to have you back.
682
00:27:35,835 --> 00:27:37,460
Where'd you find her,
Officer?
683
00:27:37,460 --> 00:27:39,043
- She was at her boyfriend's.
- No, she wasn't.
684
00:27:39,043 --> 00:27:40,751
She doesn't have
a boyfriend.
685
00:27:40,751 --> 00:27:42,710
- Come on. You come in.
We'll discuss it.
- All right.
686
00:27:42,710 --> 00:27:45,543
- Bite to eat?
- Love it. Starving.
687
00:27:45,543 --> 00:27:47,377
- Let's do it.
- Great.
688
00:27:51,127 --> 00:27:53,043
Larry:
That's Jeff's Cubs hat.
689
00:27:53,043 --> 00:27:54,585
You gotta call
the fire department.
690
00:27:54,585 --> 00:27:56,127
( laughs )
The fire department?
691
00:27:56,127 --> 00:27:58,377
That's very dangerous,
Elvid.
692
00:27:58,377 --> 00:28:00,043
I got this, Lizzie.
693
00:28:03,585 --> 00:28:05,543
Wow, Elvid.
694
00:28:05,543 --> 00:28:07,419
Is there nothing
you're afraid of?
695
00:28:12,877 --> 00:28:16,127
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yes!
- ( both screaming )
696
00:28:17,751 --> 00:28:19,252
( gasps )
697
00:28:21,043 --> 00:28:23,626
Oh.
698
00:28:23,626 --> 00:28:25,751
- ( whispers ) Let's get
the fuck out of here.
- Okay.
699
00:28:27,085 --> 00:28:29,918
( music playing )
700
00:28:32,377 --> 00:28:34,960
You have an--
an idea for an app?
701
00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:36,377
It's a fantastic idea.
702
00:28:36,377 --> 00:28:38,127
Say I invite you over
for dinner one night.
703
00:28:38,127 --> 00:28:39,793
Okay, I like
where this is going.
704
00:28:39,793 --> 00:28:41,918
( laughs )
And I'm cooking--
705
00:28:41,918 --> 00:28:43,918
- I've never done this
in my life, by the way...
- And then? ( laughs )
706
00:28:43,918 --> 00:28:45,419
...but I'm-- it's just
all hypothetical.
707
00:28:45,419 --> 00:28:48,751
- I like it.
- So, now when dinner's over,
708
00:28:48,751 --> 00:28:52,127
- okay, and there's a big pile
of dishes in the kitchen.
- Yes. Sure.
709
00:28:52,127 --> 00:28:53,960
We don't wanna
deal with that,
right?
710
00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:55,835
Wait till tomorrow.
We've got other things to do.
711
00:28:55,835 --> 00:28:57,377
No, we don't even need
to wait till tomorrow.
712
00:28:57,377 --> 00:28:58,793
- Why?
- I pick up the phone,
713
00:28:58,793 --> 00:29:00,960
I open up the app,
five minutes later,
714
00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:02,793
there's people
doing the dishes.
715
00:29:02,793 --> 00:29:05,210
Excuse me, I'm looking
for a suspect.
716
00:29:05,210 --> 00:29:07,793
He vandalized
police property.
Larry David.
717
00:29:07,793 --> 00:29:09,460
Hi, I'm the restaurant
manager.
718
00:29:09,460 --> 00:29:10,751
How may I help you?
719
00:29:10,751 --> 00:29:12,793
Yes, I'm looking
for Larry David.
720
00:29:12,793 --> 00:29:15,501
- Ah, yes, Larry David.
- Yeah, I'm looking for him.
721
00:29:15,501 --> 00:29:18,668
He's one of our
more engaging customers.
722
00:29:18,668 --> 00:29:22,169
- They'll be driving all over
the city just like Uber...
- Okay. Right.
723
00:29:22,169 --> 00:29:24,127
...and then they'll get
their-- their dish call.
724
00:29:24,127 --> 00:29:26,501
I just don't understand
how you and I are getting
it on after dinner
725
00:29:26,501 --> 00:29:29,335
if there's a rando stranger
in the house doing the dishes.
726
00:29:29,335 --> 00:29:31,501
Oh, my God.
727
00:29:31,501 --> 00:29:36,085
- ( whispers ) It's that cop.
Come, come-- come on!
- Okay, okay.
728
00:29:36,085 --> 00:29:37,835
You're not answering
any of my questions.
729
00:29:37,835 --> 00:29:39,626
Well, I just
wanna tell you,
730
00:29:39,626 --> 00:29:45,460
I'm here to support
the men in blue 110%.
731
00:29:45,460 --> 00:29:48,543
Okay, uh, we need a plan.
We gotta come up
with a plan.
732
00:29:48,543 --> 00:29:51,626
- What's the story?
What do we say?
- Um, okay, here it is.
733
00:29:51,626 --> 00:29:53,501
We went across the street
to buy some lemonade
734
00:29:53,501 --> 00:29:55,002
from these Girl Scouts.
735
00:29:55,002 --> 00:29:56,501
One of the Girl Scouts
is Asian.
736
00:29:56,501 --> 00:29:57,751
It's good to be specific
when you lie.
737
00:29:57,751 --> 00:29:58,835
It's the cornerstone
of a good lie.
738
00:29:58,835 --> 00:29:59,877
- Okay.
- Okay?
739
00:29:59,877 --> 00:30:01,377
And the lemonade
was delicious.
740
00:30:01,377 --> 00:30:03,085
- Yes. I can taste it.
- Delicious lemonade.
741
00:30:03,085 --> 00:30:06,377
Yes, and all of a sudden,
a gust of Santa Ana wind
comes along
742
00:30:06,377 --> 00:30:09,377
and knocks
the rake off the roof
onto the hood of the car.
743
00:30:09,377 --> 00:30:10,835
- Yes. Okay, I can--
- Got it?
744
00:30:10,835 --> 00:30:12,210
I got it.
Yes, of course.
Are you kidding?
745
00:30:12,210 --> 00:30:13,918
I did Shakespeare.
I can handle this.
746
00:30:13,918 --> 00:30:15,585
( gasps, clears throat )
747
00:30:15,585 --> 00:30:18,377
- Is there a problem?
- Yeah, there's a problem.
748
00:30:18,377 --> 00:30:19,585
You vandalized my car.
749
00:30:19,585 --> 00:30:22,169
- Oh, no, no.
- Oh, no, no, no.
750
00:30:22,169 --> 00:30:27,377
Officer, we were standing
across the street
751
00:30:27,377 --> 00:30:29,877
from your vehicle,
752
00:30:29,877 --> 00:30:35,043
buying some lemonade
from a-- a stand.
753
00:30:35,043 --> 00:30:38,543
- It's like a, you know,
the wooden-- with a sign--
- Lemonade stand?
754
00:30:38,543 --> 00:30:39,835
The lemonade stand.
755
00:30:39,835 --> 00:30:42,127
They were the little ones,
the Brownies,
756
00:30:42,127 --> 00:30:45,169
one of whom was Indian.
757
00:30:45,169 --> 00:30:51,169
And we decided
that we actually
wanted Arnold Parkers,
758
00:30:51,169 --> 00:30:52,960
- and so--
- Palmers.
759
00:30:52,960 --> 00:30:55,668
- I don't think so.
- Palmer.
760
00:30:55,668 --> 00:30:59,085
- Arnold Palmer.
- Well, let's leave
that detail for another day.
761
00:30:59,085 --> 00:31:03,252
- At any rate, he went
into the house to...
- He?
762
00:31:03,252 --> 00:31:06,252
...retrieve the--
yes, there was a man.
763
00:31:06,252 --> 00:31:09,751
An Irishman
who went into the house.
764
00:31:09,751 --> 00:31:11,585
He said--
( Irish accent )
"I'll go get you--
765
00:31:11,585 --> 00:31:15,419
ye the iced tea
for the Arnold Parker."
766
00:31:15,419 --> 00:31:17,127
And so,
while we were waiting
767
00:31:17,127 --> 00:31:20,543
for the Arnolds Palm--
whatever it is.
768
00:31:20,543 --> 00:31:23,710
- Palmer!
- Anyway, a gust
of wind came.
769
00:31:23,710 --> 00:31:27,127
- It blew a rake off
of the, um-- the roof!
- The roof!
770
00:31:27,127 --> 00:31:30,210
- Off the roof
of the house onto the car.
- I was handling it.
771
00:31:30,210 --> 00:31:33,501
Anyway, it blew the rake
off of the roof...
772
00:31:34,793 --> 00:31:39,543
and that's how your car
was damaged.
773
00:31:39,543 --> 00:31:41,377
All right,
you're coming with me.
774
00:31:41,377 --> 00:31:42,793
It landed
on your vehicle.
775
00:31:42,793 --> 00:31:44,169
Great!
Great performance!
776
00:31:44,169 --> 00:31:45,877
- You're an actress?
- You know what?
777
00:31:45,877 --> 00:31:47,918
That's the worst performance
I've ever seen in my life!
778
00:31:47,918 --> 00:31:49,626
- You!
- Elizabeth: It was
a bad script, Larry.
779
00:31:49,626 --> 00:31:52,419
- You wrote me a bad script!
- Oh, oh, a gust of wind.
780
00:31:52,419 --> 00:31:54,127
I do better with
a little more preparation.
781
00:31:54,127 --> 00:31:55,626
You should arrest her
for bad acting.
782
00:31:55,626 --> 00:31:58,460
Look, I need a rehearsal.
I'm not a one-take wonder.
783
00:31:58,460 --> 00:32:00,377
- Larry: Give me a break.
- Fuck you, Elvid.
784
00:32:00,377 --> 00:32:02,335
Hello?
What the fuck?!
785
00:32:02,335 --> 00:32:05,294
- ( chatter )
- Hi. I'm the manager.
786
00:32:05,294 --> 00:32:08,793
- Sorry, there has been
a delay in your meal.
- What's taking so long?
787
00:32:08,793 --> 00:32:12,626
Well, there's
been a disturbance
in the kitchen.
788
00:32:12,626 --> 00:32:15,501
( theme music playing )
789
00:33:26,377 --> 00:33:27,710
I think this is a breakthrough.
790
00:33:27,710 --> 00:33:28,710
No, it's not a breakthrough.
791
00:33:28,710 --> 00:33:29,751
I'm gonna write down
"breakthrough."
792
00:33:30,294 --> 00:33:32,127
Writing down "breakthrough"
is just a waste of
everybody's time.
793
00:33:32,127 --> 00:33:33,294
-"Break..."
-That whole pad,
794
00:33:33,793 --> 00:33:35,501
-you might as well throw it--
it does nothing, that pad.
-"...through."
795
00:33:36,460 --> 00:33:40,085
Are you vying for the title
of the most pretentious
man in the world?
796
00:33:40,085 --> 00:33:41,127
-This?
-Yes.
797
00:33:41,127 --> 00:33:42,127
I've had this for decades.
798
00:33:42,127 --> 00:33:43,668
It looks like, uh,
799
00:33:43,668 --> 00:33:45,501
the Little Drummer Boy's
funeral.
800
00:33:45,501 --> 00:33:47,169
This what he's wearing
in the casket.
801
00:33:47,169 --> 00:33:48,585
(SOBBING)
802
00:33:48,585 --> 00:33:51,294
Hey, hey, hey. Come on, come on.
That's way too loud.
803
00:33:51,294 --> 00:33:52,751
-(SOBBING)
-MAN: And one day...
804
00:33:52,751 --> 00:33:55,127
-Just whimper. Can you whimper?
-(WHIMPERING)
63549
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