All language subtitles for The Neighborhood - 02x22 - Welcome to the Campaign.ION10.English.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

Hey, Dave. What's going on?

Oh, hey, Calvin. Just picking
up my new lawn signs

for the campaign.

What do you think?

I think you're gonna look great
with a blacked out tooth

and the word "dork"
across your forehead.

Yeah, I didn't think about the
kids vandalizing my signs.

Who said anything about kids?

So you're really gonna
go through with this?

Hell, yeah. Look, we need
stronger schools, safer parks,

and when it comes to
our city government,

- we need to have an open dialogue.
- Well, great.

You open that one, and
I'll close this one.

I'm serious, Calvin.

We need strong representation,

and we haven't been getting
it from Isaiah Evans.

Look, Isaiah has been our
councilman for a long time.

People love him.

He led the march on Washington.

You mean with Martin Luther King?

No. The march on Washington Boulevard.

We wanted that Chipotle,
and he got it for us.

Okay, but that was a long time ago,

and he hasn't done anything since.

Calvin, don't you want someone
who's gonna roll up his sleeves

and make an impact on this community?

Nope. I don't like government
telling me what to do.

I got Tina for that.

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy -
- www.addic7ed.com -

Hi, this is Dave Johnson.

I'm running for city council,

and I'm calling to ask for your support.

Yeah, I'm the white guy.

Well, yes, Dave is the one

who got the speed bump
put in on Evergreen.

Oh, you hit it too hard and
messed up your alignment?

Well, take it on down
to Calvin's Pit Stop

and vote for Dave Johnson.

Grover, you are licking too slow.

You are dabbing when
you should be sliding.

Here, let me show you.

Ah... Aah! Paper cut!

Now you're bleeding when
you should be dabbing.

So, I was thinking of inviting
the women from the neighborhood

for an elegant ladies' afternoon.

You know, put out the good china,

serve some tea and scones.

Tea and scones? Is Dave
going to be a councilman

or a Disney princess?

I'm just trying to help him.

Most of the neighborhood just knows him

as the jogger in short shorts
who's terrified of squirrels.

Hey, hey.

Ooh, well, well, well.

Look who showed up to volunteer.

So, Calvin, you finally ready
to ride the Dave wave?

No.

Tina told me there was a deli tray.

Forget the Dave wave.

I'm ready to jump on the ham tram.

You know, I don't get it.
Why won't you support me?

I supported you when Old
Miss Kim accused you

of stealing her garden gnome.

That's because I didn't do it.

I was just the lookout.

I'm serious, Calvin.

You know, people around
here really look up to you,

and your endorsement
could help my campaign.

And I'd give it to you, Dave,
except for one small problem.

This deli tray has

a better chance of winning than you do.

Ooh, spicy mustard.

I wouldn't underestimate my husband.

Back in Kalamazoo, he
got them to shut down

the strip club next to the school.

Oh, good for him.

Yeah, I was so proud.

Even though it put half
my cousins out of work.

This isn't Kalamazoo.

This neighborhood is 80% black,

and Dave is 100% white.

110% when he wears his Crocs.

You know, so what if I'm white?

This community will vote
for the best person

for the job. That's what I believe.

And I believe I'm gonna
take my sandwich to go.

All aboard the ham tram!

Toot, toot!

Well, I hope you're happy.

Oh, I am. You know, I
had my doubts at first,

but spicy mustard was the way to go.

I'm talking about Dave.

We're all over there supporting him.

- Why won't you?
- Because

I don't want him to look like

the white guy who
thinks he knows better,

swooping in to fix all the
black folks' problems.

If I wanted a white savior,

I'd watch Sandra Bullock
in The Blind Side.

Calvin, you love that movie.

I don't love that movie.

I just said, "Don't change the channel."

Okay, you're right.

Some people may think Dave is that way.

But that's not who he
is, and you know that.

That's because I'm an evolved man, Tina.

You can't expect the
rest of the neighborhood

to be as open-minded as me.

Open-minded? Seriously?

You refuse to watch a movie

if it has subtitles.

If I wanted to read,
I'd get an audiobook.

All I know is Dave cares
about this community.

Councilman Evans

has been coasting for years.

All he ever does is brag

about the time he met Eddie Murphy.

Tina, but you got to admit,

that's a great story right there.

I mean,

the same car wash on the same day?

That's destiny.

Okay, fine. Do what you want,
but I'm supporting our friend.

So am I. I'm protecting him.

I don't want to see anybody
attack or ridicule him.

You ridicule him all the time.

But I do it from a place of love.

What?

I love doing it.

Calvin, I can't tell you

how much it means to
have your endorsement.

Oh, I'm not endorsing you.

I just brought you to the
barbershop to show you

what the people around here
think about you running.

Plus, I can't wait

till the fellas hear how you
shut down the strip club.

Well, you'll see. I'm gonna
get plenty of support.

After all, you know, I'm
down with Que and the guys.

I just brought a squash casserole

over to the shop last week.

Dave,

there's nothing down about
a squash casserole.

There will be once they get
their cholesterol checked.

Hey, shop.

- What's up, man?
- Hey, Calvin.

- Hey, Calvin.
- Hey, Dave.

- What's up, Dave?
- Yo, Dave.

Did you get that thank you note
I sent you for the casserole?

You hear that, Calvin?

He loved it.

And the serving dish it
came in was great, too.

I sold it for ten bucks.

Cool. Cool.

Got that in Peru.

Uh, so, you guys might've heard

that I'm running for city council.

Yeah, we heard.

I saw one of your signs. I
thought it was hilarious.

They drew eye patch, horns,

and I don't want to say
what you had in your mouth.

Why are you looking at me?

I just did the eye patch and the horns.

O-Okay.

I-I'm starting to get the vibe

that, uh, some of you
might be skeptical.

But, you know, I've got
some really great ideas

about the neighborhood that I
think might change your minds.

Uh, I got a question.

Great. Fire away.

Was that an Old Bay seasoning
you used in that casserole,

or was it Lawry's?

Any other questions?

Oh, yeah.

That are not about the casserole.

Oh.

Hey, good afternoon, gentlemen.

- Oh, oh, oh!
- Hey.

- Councilman.
- Hey.

I just wanted to drop in and say hi

to some of my finest constituents.

And Trey.

You always got jokes, Councilman.

Yeah, and you always got a court date.

You got him.

Come on.

Wow, so that's Councilman Evans, huh?

He's really charming.

Yeah, and wait till you
feel his handshake.

It's smoother than margarine
melting on a hot roll.

Calvin Butler.

- Yeah.
- Hey. How’s that beautiful Tina?

Well, she's married to me,

so she's blessed.

Yeah.

Uh, Councilman. I'm Dave Johnson.

Dave Johnson. The competition.

It is great to finally meet you.

It is good to meet you, too.

Oh, my God, it's like a buttery hug.

I've been doing my homework on you,

and it looks like you are
ready to run a good race.

Probably in short shorts.

Well, you know, Councilman,
now that you're here, uh,

- I have a question for you.
- Go right ahead.

Well, I'm just curious on how

you plan on approaching the
shortage of school teachers

that our district is currently facing.

Hmm.

Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

Dave, that is

a very important issue, and I'm glad

you brought that up.

Our teacher shortage

- is a real challenge.
- Yeah.

- Right on.
- Yes, sir.

It is a challenge that
we shall meet together

as a community.

- All right.
- All right.

And speaking of meeting,

did y'all hear my story about
how I met Eddie Murphy?

Let Dave in here.

He ain't heard it yet. Come on.

- I was getting my car washed.
- Okay.

- He was getting his car washed.
- No!

I look over at him.

- He looks back at me.
- What?

He said...

For real!

He... Just like in the movies!

He laughs like in the movies!

I can't believe it.

Councilman Evans totally
dodged my question.

But can you believe

that him and Eddie Murphy both
use cinnamon air freshener?

Wow.

No. Not wow.

If anything deserves a "wow,"
it's my five-point plan.

Each point has five points of its own.

It's a 25-point plan.

That's 25 wows.

Look, Dave, the bottom line is

to half of the people,

you're the white guy who’s new in town.

To the other half, you're
the new guy who's white.

Hey. Yo, Dave,

you got some explaining to do, man.

What are you talking about?

Isaiah posted a picture of you online,

standing next to a Confederate flag.

- What?
- Well, that's crazy.

I would never... Oh. Yeah, that's me.

You better start explaining
why you're in a picture

posing next to a cake with
a Confederate flag on it.

Calvin, you don't understand.

Look, that picture was from
my tenth birthday party.

Well, what'd you do when you turned 11,

go to a Klan rally?

Isaiah cropped the picture.

Look, the theme of the party
was The Dukes of Hazzard.

That flag is on their car.

I had no idea what it meant.

I'll tell you what it means now.

You can forget about being
on the city council.

In fact, I wouldn't
even get on a city bus.

This is a disaster.

I'm gonna go talk to Gemma.

Why didn't I have an A-Teamparty?

Everybody loves Mr. T.

Aw, man, I can't believe this.

I called it.

I knew this would happen.

What? You knew

Isaiah would find a 25-year-old picture

of Dave blowing out the candles
on a Confederate flag cake?

Yeah. I just didn't say it out loud.

Well, we got to help him clear his name.

How? His name is on the cake.

Dad, Dave is your friend.

You know he's not racist.

I know that.

But what am I supposed to do?

Everyone who's seen that
picture already thinks he is.

Which is exactly why
we need to help him.

Because nobody knows
better than black people

how painful it is to be labeled
as something that you're not.

Right, Pop?

Damn it, Malcolm.

Now I got to do the right thing.

And that's on you.

I can't believe Isaiah would do this.

His handshake isn’t like a buttery hug.

It's like a...

Damn it! It is like a buttery hug!

Well, two can play at this game.

I'm gonna dig up some dirt on Isaiah

- and see how he likes it.
- What dirt?

Like how he never does anything

or is cheating on his wife

or how he embezzled millions
of dollars from the city.

You found that online?

No, I'm putting it there.

Gemma,

we are not gonna stoop to his level.

Look, we just have to face facts.

I'm done.

Don't talk like that.

You have never backed down
from a fight in your life.

Not even when my stripper
cousins jumped you

at Nana's birthday.

Yeah, that was no joke.

Bambi threw glitter right in my eyes.

Hey, Gemma.

Hey, Dave.

Are you here to say "I told you so"?

I wasn't.

But now that you mention it,

it does feel right, doesn't it?

Well, don't bother.

I think it's pretty obvious that
I have to drop out of the race.

Oh, Calvin, please talk
some sense into him.

I'll be upstairs.

You're not gonna go post
lies about Isaiah, are you?

Well, not anymore.

So what do you want?

Look,

I know I told you that
you shouldn't run,

but I don't want to see
you go down like this.

If Isaiah's willing to
stoop this low, then,

clearly, we need some
change around here.

Which is why you have my vote.

Unless that line is too long.

Yeah.

So you're gonna help me?

Yes.

But, first, we need to find out

if Isaiah has any more dirt on you.

Like, for Halloween,

did you ever go as a
pointy-headed ghost?

Hi, I'm calling on behalf

of the Dave Johnson for
City Council campaign...

Oh, well, let me tell you
something about yo mama...

Hello?

Okay.

So far, that’s three "yo mamas..."

five "go to hells," -

and one "I better not see
your ass at Chipotle."

Everyone is so mad at us.

I don't know how much
more of this I can take.

And I'm really gonna miss Chipotle.

Look, I know this is bad right now,

but you can get through this.

You're tough.

I'm not so sure.

Well, I am, okay?

You moved your family
into this neighborhood,

and you didn't take mess from anybody.

I guess.

And you're a principal
at a private school.

You have to deal with snotty,
spoiled brats all day.

And their kids, too.

Half the time, I can't even
tell if the moms are mad at me

'cause of all the Botox.

Trust me, girl.

You got this.

- Maybe you're right.
- Mm.

I am kind of a badass B-word.

Mm. Damn straight!

Mm! You are the second
strongest woman I know.

Who's the first?

Me, B-word!

Okay, Dave,

you sure you're ready for this?

It's gonna get kind of rough in there.

No problem. I'm just gonna start

by telling them that there's
no way that I'm racist

because my best friend is black.

As your black best friend,

never say you have a black best friend.

Okay. All right. Well, then
I'm just gonna go in there

and tell them that these false
accusations have got...

Have got me straight trippin'.

I take it back.

I'm not your black best friend.

Okay, so...

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Look, just go in there and
show them who you really are.

I'll have your back.

Okay. I'm just gonna go in there

and I'm gonna...

and I'm gonna clap... back...
at my haters.

I never should've shown
him Black Twitter.

Hey, guys! Hey, guys.

What are you doing here?

Yeah. And if you got a casserole,

you drop it off and you leave.

Okay, obviously, everyone
here has seen the picture.

But I swear, you guys, it
is not what it looks like.

Please. I've used that line before,

and it was always what it looked like.

All right. Okay, hold on, everybody.

Come on. Give the man a chance.

A chance to what,

say he's got a black best friend?

Thank God you talked to me outside.

Okay, listen up.

Now, I know what everybody in
here is thinking about Dave.

But I've known this man for two years,

and I can tell you this for sure...

There is not a racist bone

in his pasty little white body.

But what about the picture?

Look, he was a dumb kid who
watched a dumb TV show.

That doesn't mean

- that he was...
- Wait, wait.

Is that from The Dukes of Hazzard?

I used to love that show!

Yeah. It had that cool theme song.

♪ Just the good ol' boys... ♪

Oh, wait.

See?

You all watched that show.

Which means that Dave
didn’t do anything wrong.

That's right. This was
just Isaiah trying

to smear my name so that he could

win... the... election.

I can't believe Isaiah
would stoop that low.

Exactly.

And you all saw him
dodge Dave’s question.

That's because he doesn't have answers.

But Dave does.

He has a 25-point plan that, trust me,

you do not want to hear.

But I-if you want to read it,

I have a pamphlet right here

that has all...

Look, my point is

is that Dave Johnson
is gonna fight for us.

He's gonna make our schools stronger

and our parks safer,

and he's gonna listen to the
needs of this community.

And that's why he has
Calvin Butler's support.

Now, come on. Can he count on yours?

Hey, tha-thank you, guys.

And thanks, Calvin.

I don't know how I can ever repay you.

Well, when you're elected,

you can fix my parking tickets.

I'm gonna pretend that
I didn't hear that.

Should I pretend to say it again?

And, you know, guys, uh,

just so you know, Isaiah
Evans isn't the only one

who has rubbed elbows
with a famous person.

Oh, yeah? Who'd you meet?

Well, a little celebrity chef named

- Paula Deen.
- Uh-oh.

Come on. We got to go. We got to go.

Well, where do you think I got
the recipe for the casserole?

So, you ready for your lesson?

Yep. Time to make my handshake

smoother... than... Isaiah's.

You know you don't actually
clap in a clapback?

Well, then, what have I been doing?

I have no idea.

Look,

now, remember, when it comes
to shaking a man's hand,

you want to be confident and comforting,

like a warm sock,

fresh from the dryer,

slipping onto his foot.

Check this out.

Hi.

Calvin Butler. Nice to meet you.

Wow.

I actually believe you meant that.

Yeah.

Councilman Evans.

What are you doing here?

I just came by to say

good luck on the campaign.

Oh, after that photo,

I could've sworn you
were gonna drop out.

Well, not a chance.

It's gonna take a lot more
than that to scare me away.

Okay.

May the best man win.

Damn.

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy -
- www.addic7ed.com -