All language subtitles for Corner Gas - 3x06 - Mail Fraud

Sunscreen.
Check.

Suntan lotion.
Check.

Sunglasses.
Check.

Hey, what's up?
Are you goin' somewhere?

It's my annual vacation. It
comes every two or three years.

Like my annual raise.

Well, where are you goin'?
Somewhere sunny, I assume?

Not necessarily.

Well, what's with all the sun
stuff, sunscreen, sunglasses?

I packed tennis shoes. Doesn't
mean I'm goin' to Wimbledon.

I didn't actually pack tennis
shoes; that's just an example.

Okay, see ya.

See ya.
See ya.

You can tell me that
your dog ran away

Then tell me that it
took three days

I've heard every joke,
I've heard every one you say

You think there's
not a lot goin' on

Look closer, Baby,
you're so wrong

And that's why you can
stay so long

Where there's not a lot
goin' on

Hey, the potluck's comin' up.

Remind Davis to
sign up for napkins.

No. Every year he weasels out of
cooking by bringing napkins.

Yeah. But they're always
nice napkins.

Yeah.

It's not fair.
He's gotta cook this year.

No Get-Out-Of-Napkin-Free card.

How do you get out of a napkin?

You know, if you're gonna
use a Monopoly analogy,

it should be a
Get-Out-Of-Kitchen-Free card.

I think it was a mistake to go
down the free card road.

Davis is gonna cook,
that's all I'm saying.

Yes, that is all
you're saying.

Sure, make friends with
a robot, see if I care.

I don't know why Brent
brought that over.

It's for email.

Email. It doesn't even
use stamps.

What are the stamp people
supposed to do now?

You mean the Post Office?

No, I mean the people
who make and design the stamps.

Does anybody ever
think about them?

One lunatic's enough.

It's all Internet this
and typey that.

What ever happened to good old
face-to-face conversation?

Well, if you feel that
strongly about it...

Shssh! Commercial's over.

Brent left for
his vacation?

Yep, took off this morning.
He's now incommunicado.

Where's that?

You're familiar with the
Island of Ignoramus?

Where did he go, anyway?

We never know
till he gets there,

and only if he sends
a postcard.

By the time you get
that, he's off to some
other exotic country.

Brent goes to two countries
on one vacation?

Wow.

Let me ask you a question.

Okay, but then you gotta
answer mine.

Sure.

I'm just wondering how-how
Brent affords trips like that.

Well?

That wasn't a question,
"I wonder" such and such.

You're just telling us
what you're wondering.

Oh. Well, fine. I'll ask again.

Ah, one question each. My turn.
Where's Communicado?

I just want to know-I mean
tell me how-I mean how does...

yes, that's a question...

how does Brent afford
vacations like this?

He just manages somehow.

Actually, I'm a little
jealous of the guy.

Yeah, me too.

Brent may not know much, but he
sure knows how to vacation.

Yeah. I mean just
look at him out there.

Hey-hey-hey,
potluck sign-up.

That's right.

Potlucks are so easy.

Sign up for one thing, you get
a whole meal. I love 'em.

I bet you do.

Hey, you want a coffee?

I'm bringing
napkins this year.

Yeah, yeah,
I saw that.
Great.

You must be a little
disappointed.

No. No, I like it
when there's napkins.

It cuts down on
stains and whatnot.

And you're doing main course,

the whole main course,

all of it.

Yeah. I'll have to think
of somethin' good.

Because normally
it's the opposite,

I do main course,
you do napkins.

Yeah. It's a funny
old world, Karen,

a funny old world.

Brent, I gotta tell you,
this looks kinda...

Lacey, come here.
It's an emergency.

What's going on?
What are you doing?

You can't talk to Brent
when he's on vacation.

So there's no emergency?

Yes, there is.

That emergency is you talkin'
to Brent on his vacation.

If we could talk to him,
he wouldn't be on vacation.

He needs a break from all the
pressures and stress of work.

Stress? He pumps maybe
40 litres of gas a day

and drinks 50 litres
of coffee with Hank.

So then replace the word
"stress" with "fumes"

and the word "pressures"
with "Hank. "

The guy still deserves
a break.

Well, I am sorry for
trying to talk to my friend,

who's sitting ten feet from
where I usually talk to him.

It's okay.

You didn't know.

Nice of you to pay a visit
to your place of business.

Me?

You know your son is just
sitting in a lawn chair

out on the grass?

He's on vacation.

He puts on a Hawaiian shirt
and drinks mai tais
by the gas pumps.

That doesn't seem weird
to anyone?

Hah! That doesn't even make the
list of the top 100 weird things

that kid does.

He gave a computer
to his own mother.

That email Emma sent
was pretty funny, eh?

Oh, yeah. Do you think
that was a real penguin?

Oh, he musta been.

What did the penguin do?

You didn't get it?

No.

Well, Oscar, penguins
don't usually drive cars.

I think he meant he
didn't receive it.

Oh, well.

It was hilarious.

I'm gettin' the email.

What? So you're gonna go and
figure it out all by yourself

and next time we see you,
you'll have email?

Damn straight.

I told 'em I could
figure it out.

So that's how you send.

Great. Where's the penguin?

Hey, everybody, I just got
a postcard from Brent.

He's in Aruba.

Wow! That is good mail service.

"Dear Hank.

"Aruba is warm, but windier
than I anticipated.

"I've lost seven hats so far.
Havin' a wonderful time.

Send more hats. "

That's a Dog River postcard,
with Aruba written on it.

Wait. He puts "Ha-ha-ha. "
So that's a joke.

He doesn't really want us
to send more hats.

I sent ya an email.

You have email?

That's right.

I put the gigabits into
the floppy drive and boom.

I'm impressed. You did that
all by yourself?

Well, Ian helped, a bit.
The guy's a genius.

Hey, Mrs. Leroy.
You got any cookies?

They're in the jar marked
"Cookies," Whiz Kid.

So where's this email?

Give it time.
I only sent it today.

What address did you use?

You know it's not the one
on the front of the house?

I know. It's gotta have
that "at" sign in it.
I'm not an idiot.

You have no idea
where you sent it.

Well, how many Emmas can
there be in the Internet?

I need an explanation.

Will you...

you at least need
to talk to me,

because it's rude
to just sit...

Dear Lacey. I hope this
postcard finds you well.

What are you doing?
I've spent the last
few days in Aruba.

What, you're a
verbal postcard now?

As I'm not in Dog River, I can't
speak with you directly.

I know this must seem
foolish to you,

but I've never been one
to bow to peer pressure.

Except when I had that
cigarette in high school,

and wearing rugby pants
in the '80s. I don't know.

Anyway, I wish you were
here in person

so I could tell you
this directly.

I am there. I'm-I mean
I'm here. You're here.

I must sign off now.

We're about to land in Madrid,
and Kyle, our flight attendant,

has demanded I put my table tray
in its upright position.

He's a saucy one.

See ya soon. Hola. Brent.

So, what are ya gonna
cook for the potluck?

Don't know. I'll wing it.

But it's main course. You gotta
put some effort into it.

Oh, I'm not too worried.
It's not like napkins.

With napkins, you have to
pick a theme,

then make sure all different
sizes, dessert, cocktail, main,

are available in said theme.

People use them to wipe
ketchup off their face.

Don't underestimate napkins.

Well, don't underestimate
main course.

I'm not sure I'll
be doing it at all.

Hank got a bunch of steaks from
his cousin and wants to trade me

for hot side dish, which
would be easier, actually.

Thanks a lot for the steaks.
These are gonna be great.

You sure you'll be
able to eat all those?

Oh, yeah. I love steaks.

Oh, wait. Now I gotta find
somethin' for the potluck.

Frankly, I'm a little worried
about my hot side dish.

I- I got a great recipe
for sweet potato pie,

really easy, really good.

Sorry, buddy, can't
trade with ya.

Ah, no biggy.
It's only main course.

Check your email.

Fine.

What do ya do?

Here.

What do you mean
you're going out?

Make your own lunch.

I know what a sandwich is.

It's in the tin box that
says "Bread" on it.

Watch your language, Emma.

You're gonna get us
kicked off the Internet.

Is Aruba near Cuba?

They don't arrange
countries phonetically.

Oh.

It would be cool if
they did, though.

Then Canada would be next to
Granada.

It's Gran-ay-da.

Yeah, right.
And we live in Can-ay-da.

So did Brent tell ya
where he was goin' next?

Yeah.

Yeah, he just landed in Madrid,
which is right beside Fadrid.

Ah, lucky skunk.

Hank, he's not lucky.

He's delusional.

I mean do you ever
imagine yourself

travelling somewhere you're not?

No. I can't pull it off.

I've tried.

I've, uh, pictured myself
on an island

and I imagine some pretty girl
rubbin' oil on my back,

and then I imagine her boyfriend
poundin' my face in.

Then I imagine I'm
suddenly made out of steel

and a laser gun grows
outta my shoulder

and I start shootin' at the guy.

That's what you imagine
every time?

Well, no.

Sometimes a bazooka
comes outta my chest.

Hmm.

Well, that doesn't sound
very relaxing.

I know.

Brent's got the gift, you know?

He pictures himself
all over the world,

while I'm stuck here
not goin' anywhere.

Reading his postcard
from Fadrid,

it kinda stinks
when you think about it.

It's selfish.

You're right, Lacey,
I should go tell him off.

Thanks.

What?

Where's my coffee?

I sent ya an email
a half an hour ago.

Great. I'll do main course

and you can do
jellied salads instead.

Sure thing. Works for me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Why would you do that?

I gave my sister my jelly moulds
and she went out of town.

Well-well, I have moulds,
tons of moulds.

I'd be happy to
lend them to you.

Oh, that would be great.

I guess you'll have to
stick to main course.

Sure thing. Works for me.

Karen, are you sure?

Oh, you bet.

If there's one thing I have,
it's jelly moulds.

How much are these
jelly moulds?

Did you get my funny email?

No.

I sent you a bunch.

I know. None of them
were funny.

They're L-O-L.

Lame Out Loud?

Could you stop sending them?

The attachments are
clogging up my inbox.

That's probably because
you hooked your hard drive
into the protocol

and then used your bytes to
spam it up the Internet.

How will we tell when you
actually do lose your mind?

This coming from a woman
who doesn't even read emails.

I know techie stuff.

Ask Ian.

Does Lacey sell cookies?

"Cookies" is
computer talk.

What do you make of this?

I don't know, but I know
it's not healthy.

He's got the bug spray
right beside the cooking spray.

That's got lawsuit
written all over it.

No.

I mean Brent out there on
the grass, his vacation.

If he wants to sit there
and not talk, let him.

We've seen him standing
and not talking.

We're not missin' much.
Yeah.

I just feel badly for him,
that's all.

What if someone sprays poison
bug repellent on a muffin tray?

It's like he'd like to go on
a real vacation, but can't.

Or you walk into a cloud
of mosquitoes and whip out
a can of Pam.

I get the feeling you
don't find this as sad as I do.

Not really.

Just look at him, imagining
he's on some beach somewhere,

but still
in sight of work.

Yeah, you're right.
Screw him!

No, I didn't say that.

He sits there mocking us
on his lawn chair

while we do all the work.

Kind of a jerky thing
for him to do.

This has been a real eye
opener. Thanks, Lacey.

Oh, no. Wanda, wait!

Dear Brent.
I know you're on vacation.

But if you get a chance,

maybe in between your pedicure
and your mud bath,

you can fix the debit machine
like you said you would.

All the best.
Wanda.

Dear Wanda. You can do it.
Sincerely, Brent.

Dear Brent.

I don't have the pass codes
to fix the machines, do I?

P.S. Your shirt's ugly.

Dear Brent.

If you were a pal, you'd
dream me over there with ya

instead of
leavin' me here.

Dear Hank. If I wanted you here,
I woulda stayed there.

Dear Brent.
You suck out loud!

P.S. You got pasty
white chicken legs.

Dear Lacey.

I can't help but get the feeling
you've ruined a good thing.

Wish you were here so I
could thank you in person.

I'm sorry.

Oh, I mean, Dear Brent.
I am sorry...

It's okay. You can forget
the postcard talk.

I'm back now.

I didn't mean to ruin it.
It's not your fault.

You just hounded me and everyone
until our bubble burst

and the good times came
crashin' down.

It's no biggy.

I couldn't wrap
my head around it.

Everybody said that you
went on vacation

and you stayed here.

Yeah. I call it a staycation.

It's actually quite relaxing.

Maybe you can
get back there.

Where were you last,
Hawaii?

Oh, no. Too many tourists
this time of year.

Can't you just imagine
it's another time of year?

Time travel? I'm not a warlock.

Anyway, what's done is done.

No! No, no.
We can do this.

I'm goin' to
Tahiti right now.

Okey-doke. I'm gonna go
fix a debit machine.

Kyle says, uh,
"Fasten your seatbelts. "

Hey, Jane Kendal wants to trade
with Davis for the potluck.

I know how you're all
weird about that.

I'm not weird.

Napkins is easy, way easy.

Main course, way, way hard.

Yeah, you're not
weird at all.

Anyway, I'm supposed
to bake cupcakes,

but Len's trying
to lose weight

and the smell of them
drives him crazy.

Hey, no problem.
I can do dessert. Oh.

Hello?

Yeah, it's Karen. I heard
you needed an oven.

You could use mine.
It loves to be used.

You should use it.

Okay, then.

Ah, never mind.

Consider it never minded.

I need to use the computer.
You've been on it all afternoon.

Ah, relax. I'm just finishing
an email.

P. Dot.

S. Dot.

I...

For the love of Pete,
just send it.

Oh, don't rush me, woman.

I'm on the information
super roadway thingy.

Now what?

Hit Return.

Don't you have a home?

I'm goin' to the kitchen.
Do you want anything?

Yeah.

When you get to the
back door, keep going.

Did you say
return or delete?

Mmm.

Is spaghetti hard to make?

You don't know
what you're making?

Don't rush him.
It's not till tonight.

Yeah.

Man, the service around
here's gettin' worse.

Where the heck's Lacey?

Staycation.

You know, I have changed my
mind about this vacation thing.

Oh, this is great.

I'm in the South of France
right now.

Ah, how come
I can hear ya?

Because I'm a postcard.

But you didn't
say, "Dear Hank. "

You're not in the
South of France.

You're stuck here
with the rest of us.

Well, if you'll excuse me,
I've got a little free time

before the big potluck.

Okay, I'm ready to go.

Oh.

Right.

The jellies aren't gelling.

Are your moulds coated
with something?

How should I know?

Well, they're your moulds.

I'll-I'll come over.

I think your breadmaker's
on fire.

Oh.

Hello?

I don't know about
this sweet potato pie.

The potatoes aren't sweet.

Did you buy sweet potatoes?

It's hard to tell until you
get 'em home and taste them.

I'll-I'll be right over.

Oscar, there's been an incident.
We need to talk.

Not now.
I'm downloading a Google.

Well, you'll have to stop.

I just got a call from
the folks at the Internet.

Oh, no. I didn't do anything.

Yeah? Well, according
to their records,

you attached some
infected blogs that...

Fire wired themselves
to the zip link?

Yeah, on the mainframe.

It was Ian's fault.
He's a bad apple.

I- I hope we didn't annoy
everyone down at the Internet.

Yeah, well, they're
pretty ticked off.

But I think I can make
this all go away

if Oscar promises never
to go online again.

Just do what they say.

Fine.

But don't think I'm not gonna
write a letter to the Internet.

The stamp people will
back me up.

Thanks a lot.

You bet.

Here's your main course.

All right!

Mm, Davis, these
crepes are amazing.

The who?

The crepes you brought.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I like 'em too.

You know, it's really
hard finding a good
recipe for grapes.

For what?

The-the-the-the
thing you said.

Okay, the sweet potato pie
is there, Jane has her cupcakes,

the jelly salads
are holding together.

Hey, uh, where
are the napkins?

I have ketchup
on my face.

Right, napkins,
good old napkins.

You didn't bring napkins?

Don't worry. I've got
some spares in my car.

There's no unifying theme,
but I think they'll work.

Hey, everybody.

Davis brought the main
course andnapkins.

I heard you just
brought grapes.

Oh, Portugal's nice
this time of year.

Yeah.

I shoulda come
here before.

One for her too, please.

What?

I just ordered you
a drink from the bar.

Well, Brent Leroy,
aren't you sweet.

I imagine I am.

Well, here's to some
well-deserved time off.

The drinks haven't come yet.

Oh.

But I appreciate the thought.

Cheers.

Well, maybe we can
do it again sometime.

Yeah, absolutely.

Only next time could ya
fill this with pie?

I don't bake
on staycation.