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1
00:00:01,175 --> 00:00:03,481
[STAMMERING] You're a thief!
2
00:00:03,525 --> 00:00:05,483
[GUN FIRING TWICE]
3
00:00:05,527 --> 00:00:08,182
Those were gunshots!
4
00:00:08,225 --> 00:00:10,227
PETER: This is Peter Falk.
Here are some scenes from
the next episode ofColumbo.
5
00:00:10,271 --> 00:00:11,576
All the members are tested.
6
00:00:11,620 --> 00:00:14,144
And they have to rate
in the top two percent.
7
00:00:14,188 --> 00:00:17,365
Here I've been talking with
the most intelligent people
in the world
8
00:00:17,408 --> 00:00:18,540
and I never even noticed.
9
00:00:18,583 --> 00:00:19,845
It might have
been a woman.
10
00:00:19,889 --> 00:00:22,544
I think he was killed
before we heard the shots.
11
00:00:22,587 --> 00:00:24,676
The shots we heard
were on that record.
12
00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:28,767
It's a terrific puzzle.
13
00:00:28,811 --> 00:00:30,334
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
14
00:00:52,356 --> 00:00:53,357
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
15
00:00:53,401 --> 00:00:56,839
MIKE: ...I wasn't that bright.
16
00:00:56,882 --> 00:01:01,365
So there I was,
me, a welder,
in the Sigma Society,
17
00:01:01,409 --> 00:01:04,238
with an IQ right at
the top of the scale.
18
00:01:05,239 --> 00:01:08,198
And my first thought was,
19
00:01:08,242 --> 00:01:11,723
"What a crummy world,
where somebody as smart as me
20
00:01:11,767 --> 00:01:14,117
"is nothing but
an ordinary welder."
21
00:01:14,161 --> 00:01:18,252
Then I...
I got my head straight
22
00:01:18,295 --> 00:01:21,559
and I figured it out that it
was a pretty sensational world
23
00:01:21,603 --> 00:01:25,259
where even welders got
a high enough IQ
to be in a Sigma Society.
24
00:01:30,829 --> 00:01:34,485
MIKE: Not that
there's anything wrong
with being a welder.
25
00:01:34,529 --> 00:01:38,141
Because I'm gonna tell you
right now that there's nobody
26
00:01:38,185 --> 00:01:41,927
in this room can even begin
to do what I can do.
27
00:01:41,971 --> 00:01:44,495
[PEOPLE CLAPPING]
28
00:01:44,539 --> 00:01:47,281
You know what I heard
about the Sigma Society?
29
00:01:47,324 --> 00:01:51,546
I heard that with all your
brains, the one thing
you can't figure out,
30
00:01:51,589 --> 00:01:54,766
the one problem
you can't solve
is what you're all doing here.
31
00:01:54,810 --> 00:01:57,160
I mean what we're all
doing here.
32
00:01:57,204 --> 00:01:58,335
[PEOPLE LAUGHING]
33
00:02:05,473 --> 00:02:06,735
[BOO-HOO PLAYING]
34
00:02:06,778 --> 00:02:09,303
You've got me crying for you
35
00:02:11,696 --> 00:02:15,570
And as I sit here and sigh
36
00:02:15,613 --> 00:02:19,922
Says I,
"I can't believe it's true"
37
00:02:19,965 --> 00:02:22,316
Boo-hoo,
38
00:02:24,231 --> 00:02:28,235
I tell my mama on you
39
00:02:30,411 --> 00:02:34,197
The little game
that you played
40
00:02:34,241 --> 00:02:38,549
Has made her baby oh so blue
41
00:02:38,593 --> 00:02:44,468
You left me in the lurch
42
00:02:44,512 --> 00:02:50,344
You left me waiting
at the church
43
00:02:50,692 --> 00:02:53,564
Boo-hoo
44
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:59,396
That's why I'm crying for you
45
00:03:01,268 --> 00:03:05,228
Someday you'll feel like I do
46
00:03:05,272 --> 00:03:09,580
And you'll be
boo-hoo-hooin' too
47
00:03:09,624 --> 00:03:11,365
Boo-hoo
48
00:03:13,628 --> 00:03:17,588
You've got me crying for you
49
00:03:19,851 --> 00:03:21,766
And as I sit here...
50
00:03:35,693 --> 00:03:37,869
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
51
00:03:50,534 --> 00:03:51,883
[PEOPLE CLAPPING]
52
00:03:58,673 --> 00:03:59,978
[PEOPLE LAUGHING]
53
00:04:08,030 --> 00:04:09,510
[PEOPLE CLAPPING]
54
00:04:25,352 --> 00:04:29,399
Thank you, Mike, thank you.
55
00:04:29,443 --> 00:04:32,620
Jason, in all due respect
to Mike's lecture
on feelings of inadequacy
56
00:04:32,663 --> 00:04:36,406
I thought we were gonna hear
from a computer engineer
on intelligent machines.
57
00:04:36,450 --> 00:04:39,931
May I ask the program
chairman if he still intends
to bring in outside guests?
58
00:04:39,975 --> 00:04:42,891
I'm afraid I was very busy
at the office today.
59
00:04:42,934 --> 00:04:44,719
Didn't have time.
60
00:04:44,762 --> 00:04:46,895
Try to do better. Good.
61
00:04:46,938 --> 00:04:49,941
Thank you, Mike,
thank you, Mr. Wagner,
thank you, Bertie.
62
00:04:49,985 --> 00:04:52,335
For new business,
ladies and gentlemen,
63
00:04:52,379 --> 00:04:55,120
I have the committee report
on neighborhood crime.
64
00:04:55,164 --> 00:04:58,559
They strongly recommend the
purchase of a burglar alarm.
65
00:04:58,602 --> 00:05:02,911
Miss Eisenback
has prepared a study of
the various units available,
66
00:05:02,954 --> 00:05:05,957
the advantages,
disadvantages... Good evening, Mr. Brandt.
67
00:05:06,001 --> 00:05:08,786
Good heavens, I am late. JASON: Prices and so on.
68
00:05:08,830 --> 00:05:11,702
Oliver, we were just
discussing a burglar alarm.
69
00:05:11,746 --> 00:05:14,792
Dear me. I didn't know we had
anything worth stealing.
70
00:05:14,836 --> 00:05:17,404
Unless, of course,
it's Bertie's incredible
brain power.
71
00:05:17,447 --> 00:05:18,796
[PEOPLE LAUGHING]
72
00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:21,625
I understand the Russians
have been after him again.
73
00:05:21,669 --> 00:05:22,800
[GIGGLING]Huh?
74
00:05:22,844 --> 00:05:23,627
Huh? Hey!
75
00:05:25,499 --> 00:05:27,718
Okay, gang. That's it.
Meeting's adjourned.
76
00:05:32,941 --> 00:05:34,072
[CHUCKLING]
77
00:05:35,944 --> 00:05:40,078
That, my dear, is the total
history of Bertie's life.
78
00:05:40,122 --> 00:05:43,125
Does the joke always
have to be at my expense?
79
00:05:43,168 --> 00:05:45,867
You two at it, again? Again and forever.
80
00:05:45,910 --> 00:05:49,697
Friends forever.
Partners forever.
Right, Bertie?
81
00:05:50,741 --> 00:05:51,916
Bertie.
82
00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:56,834
Friends.
83
00:05:58,488 --> 00:06:00,360
There's a good little fellow.
84
00:06:02,884 --> 00:06:04,015
Something wrong?
85
00:06:04,059 --> 00:06:06,583
I think I just
drank my contact lens.
86
00:06:09,586 --> 00:06:12,676
It's there. I found it.
I'm sorry.
87
00:06:13,895 --> 00:06:15,897
Always sorry.
88
00:06:15,940 --> 00:06:18,073
What are you
up to, Caroline?
89
00:06:18,116 --> 00:06:22,207
Making an inventory
of everything in the house.
For the insurance.
90
00:06:22,251 --> 00:06:24,514
Don't you have to go around
to look at things?
91
00:06:24,558 --> 00:06:26,516
Don't have to look.
I remember.
92
00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:27,952
Imagine.
93
00:06:27,996 --> 00:06:30,520
While this wine was still
in a French cellar,
94
00:06:30,564 --> 00:06:32,696
you, Caroline,
were being put together
95
00:06:32,740 --> 00:06:35,699
by a confluence
of data processors
and memory banks.
96
00:06:35,743 --> 00:06:38,963
Oliver,
I have to talk to you.
97
00:06:39,007 --> 00:06:41,966
I want to talk to
you, too, Bertie.
Pick a page.
98
00:06:44,839 --> 00:06:46,797
237.
Pick a number.
99
00:06:46,841 --> 00:06:47,798
12. Even.
100
00:06:47,842 --> 00:06:49,234
Odd.
101
00:06:49,278 --> 00:06:50,932
Come along, Bertie.
To the library.
102
00:06:52,237 --> 00:06:54,675
The drinks are
on Bertie or on me.
103
00:06:56,067 --> 00:06:58,548
A dollar says
Brandt wins again.
104
00:06:58,592 --> 00:06:59,941
It's only luck, you know.
105
00:07:01,986 --> 00:07:04,511
Page 237, correct? Yes.
106
00:07:04,902 --> 00:07:06,121
Word?
107
00:07:06,164 --> 00:07:07,165
12.
108
00:07:08,036 --> 00:07:09,429
All right.
109
00:07:12,127 --> 00:07:16,000
OLIVER: Here we are.
Carina or carina.
110
00:07:16,044 --> 00:07:19,482
Six letters. Even.
Drinks are on you, Bertie.
111
00:07:19,526 --> 00:07:22,572
Interesting. Carina. We seem
to have forgotten our biology.
112
00:07:22,616 --> 00:07:25,662
Carina is a part
resembling a ridge
113
00:07:25,706 --> 00:07:29,013
as on the projection
on the breastbone of a bird.
114
00:07:29,057 --> 00:07:31,494
And that is
the word for today.
115
00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:33,235
I didn't come up here
to play games, Oliver!
116
00:07:33,278 --> 00:07:34,976
Nor did I, Bertie.
117
00:07:35,019 --> 00:07:37,805
You've always enjoyed
tormenting me. Don't be a fool.
118
00:07:37,848 --> 00:07:39,894
School, college,
even our own firm.
119
00:07:39,937 --> 00:07:42,113
I've always been
the butt of your jokes.
120
00:07:42,157 --> 00:07:45,769
I've always been
your friend, Bertie.
Surely you know that.
121
00:07:45,813 --> 00:07:49,207
Come on, Bertie,
I never taunted you.
122
00:07:49,251 --> 00:07:50,644
I only tickled you.
123
00:07:50,687 --> 00:07:51,775
[GIGGLING]
124
00:07:51,819 --> 00:07:53,081
Stop that!
125
00:07:53,124 --> 00:07:54,952
Stop! Will you? Stop it!
126
00:07:54,996 --> 00:07:56,650
[BOTH LAUGHING]
127
00:07:56,954 --> 00:07:58,129
Stop it!
128
00:07:58,173 --> 00:08:00,784
No! I'm through running!
129
00:08:00,828 --> 00:08:01,916
[PANTING]
130
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,092
I know.
131
00:08:06,181 --> 00:08:09,750
I know. I know
what you've been doing
in the office, Oliver.
132
00:08:11,752 --> 00:08:15,538
I know how you've been
stealing from our clients.
133
00:08:15,582 --> 00:08:18,541
I took the trouble
to examine your accounts.
134
00:08:18,585 --> 00:08:21,152
I know you have.
I'm well aware of it.
135
00:08:22,023 --> 00:08:23,241
Oh?
136
00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:29,683
Are you aware that I intend
to expose you?
137
00:08:31,728 --> 00:08:33,730
Well, in that case,
I intend to kill you.
138
00:08:40,868 --> 00:08:42,217
We were friends.
139
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:45,307
I could never hurt you.
140
00:08:47,614 --> 00:08:49,572
I couldn't hurt you either.
141
00:08:51,052 --> 00:08:52,880
[GIGGLING]
142
00:08:53,750 --> 00:08:55,839
[STUTTERING]
143
00:08:55,883 --> 00:08:57,972
You're a thief!Bertie.
144
00:08:58,015 --> 00:08:59,974
You can't threaten me
out of it!
145
00:09:00,017 --> 00:09:02,803
I'll tell the whole world
what you are!
146
00:09:05,762 --> 00:09:07,329
What a pity.
147
00:09:07,372 --> 00:09:08,722
Oliver.
148
00:09:10,071 --> 00:09:13,291
Oliver, I'm talking to you!
149
00:09:13,335 --> 00:09:16,904
Yes, I hear you.
I hear you, old friend.
150
00:09:16,947 --> 00:09:18,253
[GUN FIRING TWICE
WITH SILENCER]
151
00:11:03,140 --> 00:11:05,665
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
152
00:11:08,755 --> 00:11:09,973
[TURNS VOLUME DOWN]
153
00:11:33,301 --> 00:11:35,346
I really did love you, Bertie.
154
00:11:42,832 --> 00:11:44,225
[PHONE RINGING]
155
00:11:47,837 --> 00:11:50,492
Yeah? Who? Long distance?
156
00:11:50,535 --> 00:11:53,016
Tonight, children,
the drinks are on Bertie.
157
00:11:53,060 --> 00:11:55,192
[ALL CLAPPING]
158
00:11:55,236 --> 00:11:57,847
Congratulations again, Oliver.
159
00:11:57,891 --> 00:11:59,936
CAROLINE: What was
the word, Mr. Brandt?
160
00:11:59,980 --> 00:12:02,156
Carina. C-A-R...
161
00:12:02,199 --> 00:12:05,812
Well, with a capital 'C',
Carina is a constellation
in the Southern Hemisphere.
162
00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:08,031
This was not capitalized.
163
00:12:08,075 --> 00:12:10,904
Well, then it's like
the breastbone on a bird.
164
00:12:13,297 --> 00:12:14,646
Phone's for you,
Miss Eisenback. Memphis.
165
00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:17,867
That's my daddy.
I've been trying
to reach him.
166
00:12:17,911 --> 00:12:19,216
It's his birthday.
167
00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:21,218
She's been waiting
for his call.
168
00:12:21,262 --> 00:12:23,046
Oliver got lucky again.
169
00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:24,787
Daddy?
170
00:12:24,831 --> 00:12:26,789
Why don't we got out
and get the living room
put back in order?
171
00:12:26,833 --> 00:12:29,226
Why not indeed?
Come on, come on.
Gentlemen.
172
00:12:29,270 --> 00:12:31,794
You watch that drink. I'll watch it.
173
00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:33,535
The club's insured
through you, isn't it?
174
00:12:33,578 --> 00:12:34,841
Yes, and very well.
175
00:12:34,884 --> 00:12:36,320
Fire? Theft?
176
00:12:36,364 --> 00:12:38,018
The works.
177
00:12:38,061 --> 00:12:40,803
EISENBACK: Okay.
It's wonderful here.
The weather is so nice.
178
00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:42,500
Then if we are
already covered,
179
00:12:42,544 --> 00:12:45,025
why on earth bother
spending all this money
on a burglar...
180
00:12:45,068 --> 00:12:46,069
[GUN FIRING]
181
00:12:46,113 --> 00:12:47,201
[THUDDING]
182
00:12:47,244 --> 00:12:48,245
[GUN FIRING]
183
00:12:48,289 --> 00:12:49,290
Those were gunshots!
184
00:12:54,948 --> 00:12:55,949
[CLANKING]
185
00:12:57,951 --> 00:13:01,084
Bertie! Bertie! Bertie!
186
00:13:08,135 --> 00:13:09,571
[DOOR SLAMMING]
187
00:13:09,614 --> 00:13:12,313
Oh, my God! Bertie. Bertie.
188
00:13:18,275 --> 00:13:19,407
Unlock it.
189
00:13:21,670 --> 00:13:23,280
Take Caroline downstairs.
190
00:13:30,897 --> 00:13:32,115
I think he's dead.
191
00:13:32,159 --> 00:13:32,942
[EXCLAIMING]
192
00:13:37,991 --> 00:13:39,470
You mustn't look.
193
00:13:39,514 --> 00:13:41,037
You better leave.
194
00:13:41,342 --> 00:13:42,430
Come on.
195
00:13:42,473 --> 00:13:43,910
Oh, my.
196
00:13:44,432 --> 00:13:45,955
Oh, my.
197
00:13:56,923 --> 00:13:58,707
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
198
00:14:00,404 --> 00:14:02,319
[POLICE DISPATCHER
CHATTERING ON RADIO]
199
00:14:02,363 --> 00:14:04,800
POLICEMAN: Could you all
go inside, please?
200
00:14:14,810 --> 00:14:16,681
Would you like
a drink, Oliver?
201
00:14:17,204 --> 00:14:21,121
What? No, no.
202
00:14:21,164 --> 00:14:25,386
Well, it's clear enough
some neighborhood hoodlum
finally broke in.
203
00:14:25,429 --> 00:14:27,301
What was Bertie
trying to protect?
204
00:14:27,344 --> 00:14:29,956
A few bucks in his wallet?
His manhood? I mean, what?
205
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:35,700
Excuse me. Mr. Brandt?
206
00:14:37,789 --> 00:14:38,965
Yes.
207
00:14:39,008 --> 00:14:40,662
Would you come
with me, please?
208
00:14:50,454 --> 00:14:51,934
Are you guys
all done in there?
209
00:14:51,978 --> 00:14:53,849
Yeah. He's wrapping it up. Good.
210
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,895
Good night, Sergeant. Good night, George, Harry.
211
00:15:07,297 --> 00:15:09,865
Now, would you just wait here
please, Mr. Brandt?
212
00:15:10,387 --> 00:15:11,911
May I ask why?
213
00:15:11,954 --> 00:15:13,434
Sure. Somebody
will be along.
214
00:15:29,015 --> 00:15:30,407
[WHISTLING]
215
00:16:58,278 --> 00:16:59,235
They know who did it?
216
00:16:59,279 --> 00:17:00,280
No!
217
00:17:08,853 --> 00:17:10,116
Oliver Brandt, sir?
218
00:17:12,379 --> 00:17:16,252
Lieutenant Columbo,
Homicide.
219
00:17:16,296 --> 00:17:21,083
I thought maybe you'd like
to be up here away from
all those people down there,
220
00:17:21,127 --> 00:17:24,173
being that the victim was
your friend and partner.
221
00:17:24,217 --> 00:17:27,568
I'm really quite upset.
I do appreciate the courtesy.
222
00:17:27,611 --> 00:17:30,962
This Sigma Society, sir,
223
00:17:31,006 --> 00:17:34,009
I understand
it's some kind of a club.
But to tell you the truth
224
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,446
I don't understand
what kind of a club it is.
225
00:17:36,490 --> 00:17:41,321
Why it's a private club.
International.
We're just one chapter.
226
00:17:41,364 --> 00:17:43,149
All the members are tested.
227
00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:47,153
And they have to rate
in the top two percent.
228
00:17:47,196 --> 00:17:49,416
Two percent of what, sir?
229
00:17:49,459 --> 00:17:51,853
Why, intelligence, Lieutenant.
230
00:17:51,896 --> 00:17:53,202
Top two percent
in the world?
231
00:17:59,165 --> 00:18:02,124
Is that what the pin means,
sir?
232
00:18:02,168 --> 00:18:05,388
Here I've been talking with
the most intelligent people
in the world
233
00:18:05,432 --> 00:18:06,998
and I never even noticed.
234
00:18:08,348 --> 00:18:10,089
May I ask, sir,
235
00:18:11,351 --> 00:18:15,094
what is it that you people do
in a place like this?
236
00:18:15,137 --> 00:18:18,488
Well, we meet, discuss,
enjoy each other's company.
237
00:18:18,532 --> 00:18:20,055
Scientists?
238
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:21,578
Not necessarily.
239
00:18:21,622 --> 00:18:23,493
Like a think tank?
240
00:18:23,537 --> 00:18:26,583
No, no, no. Nothing nearly
as grand, Lieutenant.
241
00:18:26,627 --> 00:18:30,065
People come to Sigma
from all walks of life,
all kinds, all types.
242
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:33,895
There are 20,000 of us
around the world.
We're really quite ordinary.
243
00:18:34,983 --> 00:18:36,506
Except for this.
244
00:18:36,550 --> 00:18:38,421
Well...
245
00:18:38,465 --> 00:18:40,945
But you're not ordinary.
246
00:18:40,989 --> 00:18:44,558
Brandt and Hastings.
That's a very important
accounting firm, sir.
247
00:18:45,385 --> 00:18:47,169
I heard of them.
248
00:18:47,213 --> 00:18:51,217
Well, very kind of you,
Lieutenant.
But, it's quite true.
249
00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:53,001
We handle...
250
00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:55,177
We...
251
00:18:55,221 --> 00:18:56,526
[SOFTLY] Oh, dear.
252
00:18:56,570 --> 00:18:59,529
Well, just a few
minor questions, sir.
253
00:18:59,573 --> 00:19:04,534
Some of the ladies say that
they heard music coming
from up here.
254
00:19:04,578 --> 00:19:06,710
Bertie must have put on
a record on after I left.
255
00:19:06,754 --> 00:19:09,365
You see, we were playing
a word game,
256
00:19:09,409 --> 00:19:11,193
looking things up
in the dictionary.
257
00:19:12,977 --> 00:19:14,153
On the floor, sir?
258
00:19:17,591 --> 00:19:19,158
He must have put it
on the floor.
259
00:19:27,992 --> 00:19:29,255
[TOY TRAIN RUNNING]
260
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:33,998
You mean to tell me,
Mr. Brandt,
261
00:19:34,042 --> 00:19:37,306
that these very intelligent
people still like
to play with trains?
262
00:19:38,394 --> 00:19:39,526
Some of us do.
263
00:19:41,049 --> 00:19:42,616
Poor Bertie did.
264
00:19:42,659 --> 00:19:45,227
Well, I'll tell you,
that's a relief to hear.
265
00:19:45,271 --> 00:19:48,361
Because I'll tell you
the truth, I could play with
something like that forever.
266
00:19:50,624 --> 00:19:54,236
Caroline Treynor.
That's the one.
267
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:57,152
I beg you...
Our youngest member.
268
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:59,023
She's a member too?
269
00:20:00,373 --> 00:20:01,983
Fourteen?
270
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:05,682
Amazing. Okay.
271
00:20:05,726 --> 00:20:09,164
Now, Caroline,
she was standing
in that doorway there.
272
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:13,342
And she says
she didn't hear any footsteps
going down those stairs.
273
00:20:13,386 --> 00:20:17,433
Now, everybody else
heard the burglar.
274
00:20:17,477 --> 00:20:21,568
That is, the man
that killed Mr. Hastings.
275
00:20:21,611 --> 00:20:25,180
May I ask you, sir,
what did you hear?
276
00:20:25,659 --> 00:20:27,269
I don't remember.
277
00:20:29,184 --> 00:20:31,230
[WHISPERING] Don't remember.
278
00:20:31,665 --> 00:20:33,319
MIKE: Okay.
279
00:20:36,844 --> 00:20:39,194
Thirty seconds.
280
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,327
COLUMBO: Exactly what I got
when I timed it.
281
00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:49,422
We didn't start up there
the second we heard the shots. That's right.
282
00:20:49,465 --> 00:20:52,076
We were stunned for eight...
Maybe 10 seconds.
283
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:54,427
Good. That means
40 seconds passed
284
00:20:54,470 --> 00:20:58,039
between the time that you
heard the shots and the time
you arrived in the library.
285
00:20:58,082 --> 00:21:00,259
Is that right,
excuse me, Mr...
286
00:21:00,302 --> 00:21:02,304
Jason Danziger.
I'm the president.
287
00:21:02,348 --> 00:21:05,176
Mr. Danziger. Then when
you arrived in the library
288
00:21:05,220 --> 00:21:07,353
you saw the other door
slam shut.
289
00:21:07,396 --> 00:21:11,270
Now, when you heard
someone running away,
290
00:21:11,313 --> 00:21:15,361
did he go down the stairs
one step at a time,
two at a time, how?
291
00:21:15,404 --> 00:21:16,710
One at a time.
292
00:21:16,753 --> 00:21:18,581
You don't agree, ma'am?
293
00:21:18,625 --> 00:21:22,063
No, no, no, no.
At least two at a time.
He was really flying.
294
00:21:24,370 --> 00:21:25,545
Heavy man, sir?
295
00:21:27,373 --> 00:21:28,852
I'd say so.
296
00:21:28,896 --> 00:21:30,332
Do you agree, sir?
297
00:21:30,376 --> 00:21:31,681
Not necessarily.
298
00:21:31,725 --> 00:21:33,292
Average man.
299
00:21:33,335 --> 00:21:35,206
EISENBACK: He sounded
light to me.
300
00:21:35,250 --> 00:21:36,817
I think he was a woman.
301
00:21:36,860 --> 00:21:38,558
Well, that clears that up.
302
00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:42,344
[CRICKET CHIRPING]
303
00:21:42,388 --> 00:21:44,607
I must say,
after this dreadful affair,
304
00:21:44,651 --> 00:21:47,306
it would be a comfort
to have a policeman
as a member.
305
00:21:48,655 --> 00:21:51,614
Lieutenant, do you happen
to know your IQ?
306
00:21:51,658 --> 00:21:53,747
Mine, sir?
Oh, no, sir.
307
00:21:53,790 --> 00:21:56,358
No, they took it in the Army
but they never told us.
308
00:21:56,402 --> 00:21:58,534
I'm certainly not
in your league, sir.
309
00:21:58,578 --> 00:22:01,537
You might
astonish yourself.
310
00:22:01,581 --> 00:22:05,802
Do you enjoy riddles,
puzzles, that sort of thing?
311
00:22:05,846 --> 00:22:09,240
Well, I enjoy them,
yes, sir, I do. But I
don't have any feel for them.
312
00:22:09,284 --> 00:22:11,721
Now, Mrs. Columbo, she's
a whiz at crossword puzzles.
313
00:22:11,765 --> 00:22:13,462
Here's my car, sir.
314
00:22:15,246 --> 00:22:16,813
You might consider
testing yourself.
315
00:22:18,598 --> 00:22:21,340
Lieutenant, I'm gonna
give you a little problem,
316
00:22:21,383 --> 00:22:23,211
to test your powers
of logical thinking.
317
00:22:23,254 --> 00:22:24,821
That'll be fine, sir.
318
00:22:24,865 --> 00:22:28,564
It's what we call
a minimum information problem.
319
00:22:28,608 --> 00:22:31,306
Minimum information? Practically none.
320
00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:34,265
Now, in a room, are several
sacks of gold pieces,
321
00:22:34,309 --> 00:22:35,745
as many sacks as you like.
322
00:22:35,789 --> 00:22:39,270
Each sack contains several
of these gold pieces.
323
00:22:39,314 --> 00:22:40,663
Again, as many as you like.
324
00:22:40,707 --> 00:22:42,143
Right. Got it.
325
00:22:42,186 --> 00:22:45,276
One sack, however, is full
of artificial gold pieces.
326
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:46,669
And they weigh differently.
327
00:22:46,713 --> 00:22:48,192
Uh-huh.
328
00:22:48,236 --> 00:22:50,760
Now, the solid
gold pieces weigh...
329
00:22:50,804 --> 00:22:54,329
Let's say, a pound each. And
the artificial pieces weigh
whatever you like.
330
00:22:54,373 --> 00:22:56,418
Well, what about a pound
and an ounce?
331
00:22:56,462 --> 00:22:57,724
Splendid. Why not?
332
00:22:57,767 --> 00:23:00,770
Now, you have a penny scale.
333
00:23:00,814 --> 00:23:03,251
So I put the penny in
and I get a card
334
00:23:03,294 --> 00:23:05,427
and that tells me how much
the weight of the gold is?
335
00:23:05,471 --> 00:23:09,649
Exactly. But you only
have one penny.
336
00:23:09,692 --> 00:23:13,914
Now, which sack has
the artificial gold pieces?
337
00:23:13,957 --> 00:23:15,568
That's it? That's it.
338
00:23:17,352 --> 00:23:18,701
That's a hell of a puzzle.
339
00:23:18,745 --> 00:23:19,963
[CHUCKLING]
340
00:23:20,007 --> 00:23:21,182
Gee whiz.
341
00:23:22,836 --> 00:23:25,578
You know,
I got a puzzle myself, sir.
342
00:23:25,621 --> 00:23:28,450
As I understand it,
you people,
343
00:23:28,494 --> 00:23:31,671
you were all downstairs
when you heard the shots
344
00:23:31,714 --> 00:23:36,806
and you ran upstairs
to the library. And that
took about 40 seconds.
345
00:23:36,850 --> 00:23:39,635
But during that time,
all the killer had to do was
346
00:23:39,679 --> 00:23:43,204
take the wallet
out of your partner's pocket
and remove the money.
347
00:23:43,247 --> 00:23:45,554
Ten seconds.
348
00:23:45,598 --> 00:23:48,339
What did he do
with the rest of the time?
349
00:23:49,036 --> 00:23:51,821
I mean, 30 seconds, sir.
350
00:23:51,865 --> 00:23:55,782
That's a long time
to hang around after
you just killed a man.
351
00:23:55,825 --> 00:23:59,481
Yes, a logical question.
Very good. I agree with you.
352
00:24:05,269 --> 00:24:08,577
I'm gonna think about
that puzzle, Mr. Brandt.
You can count on that.
353
00:24:08,621 --> 00:24:09,839
Good night, sir.
354
00:24:09,883 --> 00:24:11,493
Good night.
355
00:24:11,537 --> 00:24:12,712
[ENGINE STARTING]
356
00:24:16,759 --> 00:24:18,457
[CAR HONKING]
357
00:24:18,500 --> 00:24:20,241
[TIRES SCREECHING]
358
00:25:31,573 --> 00:25:33,444
VIVIAN: Oliver, is that you?
359
00:25:34,620 --> 00:25:35,882
Yes, love.
360
00:25:44,630 --> 00:25:45,674
[SIGHING]
361
00:25:57,338 --> 00:25:58,513
How do you like it?
362
00:26:00,428 --> 00:26:01,734
I bought it for you.
363
00:26:02,735 --> 00:26:03,649
Quite lovely.
364
00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:06,260
Oh.
365
00:26:06,303 --> 00:26:08,697
[SIGHING]
You're moody again.
366
00:26:08,741 --> 00:26:10,525
You look exhausted.
367
00:26:10,569 --> 00:26:11,874
[EXHALING]
368
00:26:11,918 --> 00:26:13,354
What's that?
369
00:26:13,397 --> 00:26:14,616
What? What is it?
370
00:26:14,660 --> 00:26:15,617
Just some mud.
371
00:26:16,923 --> 00:26:19,447
What have you
been up to? There.
372
00:26:21,710 --> 00:26:23,320
Oliver,
are you all right?
373
00:26:25,627 --> 00:26:28,456
No. Vivian,
it's Bertie.
374
00:26:28,978 --> 00:26:30,589
He's dead.
375
00:26:31,111 --> 00:26:32,678
What?
376
00:26:32,721 --> 00:26:35,855
At the club.
He was in the library.
377
00:26:35,898 --> 00:26:38,335
He was alone.
A burglar got in.
378
00:26:38,945 --> 00:26:41,425
Oh, Oliver.
379
00:26:41,469 --> 00:26:43,906
Shot him twice.
The police came.
380
00:26:45,429 --> 00:26:47,301
You must be feeling awful.
381
00:26:49,608 --> 00:26:52,785
I was always
the lucky one.
He had no one.
382
00:26:54,482 --> 00:26:55,657
He had us.
383
00:26:57,964 --> 00:26:59,487
I have you.
384
00:27:00,096 --> 00:27:01,707
Poor Bertie.
385
00:27:01,750 --> 00:27:04,666
We must put Bertie
out of our minds.
386
00:27:06,407 --> 00:27:07,669
We'll take a trip.
387
00:27:08,670 --> 00:27:10,541
We'll buy some clothes.
388
00:27:10,585 --> 00:27:11,630
I'm sure you will.
389
00:27:12,369 --> 00:27:13,327
Oliver.
390
00:27:14,807 --> 00:27:17,723
You have been behaving
very strangely lately.
391
00:27:17,766 --> 00:27:20,377
My best friend is
dead, Vivian.
392
00:27:20,421 --> 00:27:21,857
But, darling, we're alive.
393
00:27:21,901 --> 00:27:24,730
Let's enjoy life while we can.
394
00:27:24,773 --> 00:27:27,733
I don't want
to spend it watching
your grieving, dismal,
395
00:27:27,776 --> 00:27:29,996
sweet, intelligent face.
396
00:27:30,039 --> 00:27:31,693
Quite right.
397
00:27:31,737 --> 00:27:32,955
Please forgive me.
398
00:27:36,045 --> 00:27:38,395
I wonder if you'd be
kind enough to tell me
399
00:27:38,439 --> 00:27:40,789
where I might find
Mr. Brandt's office.
400
00:27:40,833 --> 00:27:44,401
Through the double doors.
Mr. Brandt's secretary
will help you.
401
00:27:44,445 --> 00:27:46,360
Thank you very much, ma'am.
402
00:27:53,193 --> 00:27:56,413
Excuse me, I'm looking
for Mr. Brandt's secretary.
403
00:27:56,457 --> 00:28:00,591
He'll be right back
I'm George Campanella.
May I help you?
404
00:28:00,635 --> 00:28:02,898
No, no, no, sir.
Just waiting
for Mr. Brandt.
405
00:28:02,942 --> 00:28:06,467
Well, he's not
my responsibility.
Not anymore.
406
00:28:06,510 --> 00:28:08,687
He'll be right back.
Just have a seat.
407
00:28:23,745 --> 00:28:24,833
[CLATTERING]
408
00:28:26,443 --> 00:28:28,532
Yes, can I help you?
409
00:28:28,576 --> 00:28:32,623
Thank you very much, sir.
Just waiting for
Mr. Brandt's secretary.
410
00:28:32,667 --> 00:28:34,843
As of today, I am
Mr. Brandt's secretary.
411
00:28:34,887 --> 00:28:35,888
You are?
412
00:28:38,629 --> 00:28:40,719
I just met Mr. Campanella.
413
00:28:40,762 --> 00:28:42,851
Oh, I am sure you did.
414
00:28:42,895 --> 00:28:45,941
My predecessor considers
himself quite a big deal.
415
00:28:45,985 --> 00:28:47,682
Is that a fact?
416
00:28:47,726 --> 00:28:50,729
I'm Lieutenant Columbo, sir,
police. And you are...
417
00:28:50,772 --> 00:28:52,905
Alvin. Alvin Metzler.
418
00:28:52,948 --> 00:28:55,777
Until last night,
I worked for Mr. Hastings.
419
00:28:55,821 --> 00:28:57,953
A fine man.
I hope he rests in peace.
420
00:28:59,563 --> 00:29:01,174
This is about Mr. Hastings?
421
00:29:01,217 --> 00:29:03,654
Yes, sir.
Bertie Hastings,
the deceased.
422
00:29:03,698 --> 00:29:06,092
I'm looking for Mr. Brandt.
423
00:29:06,135 --> 00:29:08,703
Mr. Brandt took
an early lunch.
424
00:29:08,747 --> 00:29:11,880
Sometimes he walks in the park
across the street. South side
of the building.
425
00:29:11,924 --> 00:29:14,056
South side of the building.
Thank you very much.
426
00:29:21,107 --> 00:29:23,457
What is that,
women's lib in there?
427
00:29:23,500 --> 00:29:26,068
They don't let ladies do
that kind of work anymore?
428
00:29:26,112 --> 00:29:29,898
It's still legal. The partners
prefer male secretaries.
429
00:29:29,942 --> 00:29:31,813
Graduate accountants.
430
00:29:31,857 --> 00:29:35,077
That way they learn
the business and they move up.
431
00:29:35,121 --> 00:29:36,992
Now why didn't
I think of that?
432
00:29:37,036 --> 00:29:39,473
Then they get
secretaries, right?
433
00:29:39,516 --> 00:29:42,650
Girl-type secretaries.
434
00:29:42,693 --> 00:29:45,000
This fellow, George,
the one that I just
met in there,
435
00:29:45,044 --> 00:29:47,786
he used to work for
Mr. Brandt. I guess
he just got promoted.
436
00:29:47,829 --> 00:29:51,006
Right.
A full-fledged accountant.
437
00:29:51,050 --> 00:29:57,056
I hope Alvin was polite
to you in there
because he's very upset.
438
00:29:57,099 --> 00:29:59,928
So Alvin thinks
he should've gotten
promoted?
439
00:29:59,972 --> 00:30:01,712
[ELEVATOR DINGS] Who can figure bosses?
440
00:30:55,941 --> 00:30:58,682
You know, sir,
that new secretary of yours,
441
00:30:58,726 --> 00:31:00,859
that's a man you can
really depend upon,
442
00:31:00,902 --> 00:31:03,557
that...Alvin?
443
00:31:04,210 --> 00:31:06,255
Alvin? Yes, Alvin.
444
00:31:06,299 --> 00:31:08,997
He tells me how much
you like to come
to the park after lunch,
445
00:31:09,041 --> 00:31:10,738
and here you are,
just like he said.
446
00:31:10,781 --> 00:31:12,696
Mind if I walk along, sir?
447
00:31:12,740 --> 00:31:14,873
No, no.
I'd be delighted.
448
00:31:17,223 --> 00:31:20,879
I also met your other
secretary, the one
that's the accountant now.
449
00:31:20,922 --> 00:31:22,054
Yes, George.
450
00:31:22,097 --> 00:31:23,272
George.
451
00:31:23,316 --> 00:31:25,840
Would you do me
a big personal
favor, sir?
452
00:31:25,884 --> 00:31:27,711
My pleasure.
453
00:31:27,755 --> 00:31:29,931
You see, I have this
nephew, he's studying
to be an accountant.
454
00:31:29,975 --> 00:31:31,715
Isn't that terrific?
455
00:31:31,759 --> 00:31:33,935
Yeah. I mean, the young people
today, you know,
456
00:31:33,979 --> 00:31:36,982
all they wanna be
is movie stars and
football players.
457
00:31:37,025 --> 00:31:40,811
Now this boy,
he wants to be
an accountant.
458
00:31:40,855 --> 00:31:42,944
And I said to myself,
459
00:31:42,988 --> 00:31:47,383
"Who could give me better
advice to pass along to my
nephew than Mr. Brandt?"
460
00:31:47,427 --> 00:31:51,213
I mean, you know firsthand
how this fellow George
worked himself up.
461
00:31:51,257 --> 00:31:53,650
Well, that's because
our firm has a policy
462
00:31:53,694 --> 00:31:57,959
of rewarding skill
and dedication
rather than seniority.
463
00:31:58,003 --> 00:32:02,050
As far as your nephew is
concerned, I suggest he gets
all the education that he can
464
00:32:02,094 --> 00:32:06,663
and then,
when he starts to work,
to apply himself assiduously.
465
00:32:06,707 --> 00:32:09,928
Mr. Brandt,
thank you very much.
That's very good advice.
466
00:32:09,971 --> 00:32:11,799
And I am going to...
467
00:32:13,888 --> 00:32:15,846
Where did you get
the ice cream cone, sir?
468
00:32:18,023 --> 00:32:19,676
From a vendor across the park.
469
00:32:19,720 --> 00:32:21,069
Oh.
470
00:32:21,113 --> 00:32:24,029
Well, I was gonna get one,
but that's too far.
471
00:32:26,422 --> 00:32:30,861
Look at that, sir.
Today is my lucky day.
I'll be right back.
472
00:32:55,321 --> 00:32:56,887
Delicious, sir.
473
00:32:58,150 --> 00:32:59,978
Just delicious.
474
00:33:00,021 --> 00:33:02,371
Yes, I know, Lieutenant.
I'm thoroughly addicted.
475
00:33:03,329 --> 00:33:04,678
Addiction.
476
00:33:06,114 --> 00:33:08,377
That must explain
the umbrella, sir.
477
00:33:09,422 --> 00:33:11,032
My umbrella?
478
00:33:11,076 --> 00:33:13,165
Well, it's such
a beautiful day, sir.
479
00:33:13,208 --> 00:33:16,472
I have to figure that
you always carry
an umbrella.
480
00:33:16,516 --> 00:33:18,039
Another addiction, sir.
481
00:33:21,347 --> 00:33:22,826
Excuse me.
482
00:33:26,352 --> 00:33:29,311
Well, actually no, Lieutenant.
I had forgotten my umbrella
483
00:33:29,355 --> 00:33:31,835
at the Sigma Club and
I stopped by to fetch it.
484
00:33:31,879 --> 00:33:34,012
Well, now...
485
00:33:34,055 --> 00:33:38,146
I suppose you're wondering
why I should bother
on such a lovely day.
486
00:33:38,190 --> 00:33:41,454
That's what I was asking.
The umbrella, yes, sir.
487
00:33:41,497 --> 00:33:46,111
In order to serve, an umbrella
must be available at the first
collision of seasonal clouds.
488
00:33:46,154 --> 00:33:48,330
The debut of a
California drizzle.
489
00:33:48,374 --> 00:33:50,028
Now then,
we must consider.
490
00:33:50,071 --> 00:33:52,073
Where shall I be when
the first rain strikes?
491
00:33:52,117 --> 00:33:54,858
Shall I be at home?
In the office? In my car?
492
00:33:54,902 --> 00:33:57,122
Shall I be at the club?
At lunch?
493
00:33:57,165 --> 00:33:58,514
Now we're dealing
in probabilities.
494
00:33:58,558 --> 00:34:00,734
Right, sir. Probabilities.
495
00:34:00,777 --> 00:34:02,083
Options, you might say.
496
00:34:02,127 --> 00:34:04,172
Options indeed.
497
00:34:04,216 --> 00:34:08,350
Now, in the final analysis,
I spend just 13 hours per day
at my residence.
498
00:34:08,394 --> 00:34:11,832
However, there are other
factors to be considered
in this equation.
499
00:34:11,875 --> 00:34:15,009
Time at the office,
time at the club,
time en route,
500
00:34:15,053 --> 00:34:18,752
and, dear me, we have not
even mentioned weekends.
501
00:34:18,795 --> 00:34:21,320
Time on the golf course.
502
00:34:21,363 --> 00:34:25,063
On top of that, I may be
called upon at any hour
of the day or night
503
00:34:25,106 --> 00:34:27,369
to confer with a client.
504
00:34:27,413 --> 00:34:32,287
Where then should one
keep an umbrella ready
for instant use?
505
00:34:32,331 --> 00:34:35,073
Upon consideration of these
and other variables,
506
00:34:35,116 --> 00:34:37,771
I have come to the conclusion,
sir, that the one,
507
00:34:37,814 --> 00:34:40,469
the only proper place
to lodge an umbrella,
508
00:34:40,513 --> 00:34:44,908
giving one the best play
in the game of avoiding
being rained upon,
509
00:34:44,952 --> 00:34:47,259
that place is precisely
at home.
510
00:34:48,086 --> 00:34:49,130
Good day, Lieutenant.
511
00:34:57,356 --> 00:34:58,792
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
512
00:34:59,575 --> 00:35:01,099
Mr. Brandt.
513
00:35:01,142 --> 00:35:03,362
Yes, what is it, George?
514
00:35:03,405 --> 00:35:06,278
These private accounts
you were interested in, sir.
515
00:35:06,321 --> 00:35:08,802
I thought, what, with
this being tax season,
516
00:35:08,845 --> 00:35:12,066
you might prefer
to work on them at home,
at your convenience.
517
00:35:12,110 --> 00:35:14,547
Yes, how very thoughtful
of you, George.
518
00:35:14,590 --> 00:35:17,593
Why don't you drop them by
this evening on your way home?
519
00:35:17,637 --> 00:35:19,204
I'd be happy to.
520
00:35:22,337 --> 00:35:23,425
[TICKING]
521
00:36:52,427 --> 00:36:54,168
I have a theory, Lieutenant.
522
00:36:57,084 --> 00:36:59,260
I know how
the murderer did it.
523
00:36:59,304 --> 00:37:02,959
There never was any burglar.
Somebody planned
to kill Mr. Hastings.
524
00:37:03,003 --> 00:37:06,572
Planned? You really think so?
525
00:37:06,615 --> 00:37:09,227
I think he was killed
before we heard the shots.
526
00:37:09,270 --> 00:37:11,054
Because we never heard
the real shots.
527
00:37:11,098 --> 00:37:14,101
The shots we heard
were on that record.
528
00:37:14,144 --> 00:37:16,973
On the record.
Shots on the record.
529
00:37:18,323 --> 00:37:20,368
I don't know. I mean
that's a very good idea,
530
00:37:20,412 --> 00:37:22,544
but I just played that record
four separate times.
531
00:37:22,588 --> 00:37:25,939
I don't suppose
I could've missed
those shots.
532
00:37:25,982 --> 00:37:28,028
But I could play it
again and see.
533
00:37:28,071 --> 00:37:29,638
That's okay,
Lieutenant.
534
00:37:31,249 --> 00:37:34,077
I didn't realize you played
the record at all.
535
00:37:34,121 --> 00:37:38,386
Well, you keep thinking,
Caroline. I can use
all the help I can get.
536
00:37:38,430 --> 00:37:41,955
And anyone who can come up
with an idea as good
as the one that you just had
537
00:37:41,998 --> 00:37:43,391
can also come up
with the answer.
538
00:37:43,435 --> 00:37:46,089
And I'm gonna tell you
something else.
539
00:37:46,133 --> 00:37:49,310
You not only have
a terrific mind,
540
00:37:49,354 --> 00:37:52,270
you're also
a remarkably pretty girl.
541
00:37:57,275 --> 00:37:59,189
You know something,
Lieutenant?
542
00:38:01,322 --> 00:38:03,585
That's the very first time
anybody ever told me
543
00:38:03,629 --> 00:38:06,327
they liked me for my body
instead of my mind.
544
00:38:18,557 --> 00:38:19,601
[BOTH EXCLAIMING]
545
00:38:19,645 --> 00:38:21,603
Sorry. Excuse me! I'm sorry.
546
00:38:21,647 --> 00:38:23,431
Forgive me, sir.
547
00:38:23,475 --> 00:38:25,303
Well, it's a funny thing,
you know.
548
00:38:25,346 --> 00:38:27,653
You're just the person
that I was looking for.
549
00:38:27,696 --> 00:38:30,133
Would you mind
stepping inside for
just one moment, sir?
550
00:38:30,177 --> 00:38:32,440
I was looking for
you too, Lieutenant.
551
00:38:32,484 --> 00:38:35,313
What a coincidence.
Let me ask you
something, sir.
552
00:38:37,097 --> 00:38:40,361
That big dictionary
on the floor, does that
look peculiar to you?
553
00:38:41,362 --> 00:38:43,321
Well, it should be
on the stand.
554
00:38:43,364 --> 00:38:45,584
That's what I thought.
And another thing.
555
00:38:50,371 --> 00:38:54,332
The medical examiner
says that both bullets
entered the body
556
00:38:55,158 --> 00:38:57,596
at exactly the same angle.
557
00:38:57,639 --> 00:39:02,122
Now if the killer fired
and then the body fell.
558
00:39:02,165 --> 00:39:05,386
Then he fired again,
like you all heard...
559
00:39:05,430 --> 00:39:07,649
Then the bullets would've
entered at different angles.
560
00:39:07,693 --> 00:39:10,043
Yes, I would say so, sir.
561
00:39:10,086 --> 00:39:12,393
That goes right along
with my suicide theory.
562
00:39:12,872 --> 00:39:14,352
Suicide?
563
00:39:16,136 --> 00:39:20,749
You mean he shot himself
in the chest,
then fell to the floor,
564
00:39:20,793 --> 00:39:22,360
then did it again?
565
00:39:24,144 --> 00:39:25,406
One thing, sir.
566
00:39:26,189 --> 00:39:28,235
How did he get
rid of the gun?
567
00:39:28,278 --> 00:39:30,324
Part of his plan.
He had to.
568
00:39:30,368 --> 00:39:31,630
Had to?
569
00:39:31,673 --> 00:39:33,196
Get rid of the gun.
570
00:39:34,459 --> 00:39:37,418
I sold Bertie
his life insurance.
571
00:39:37,462 --> 00:39:39,812
There's a suicide clause
in the policy.
572
00:39:40,813 --> 00:39:43,598
If I can ever be
of any help...
573
00:39:43,642 --> 00:39:46,122
Suicide clause.
I can guess what that is.
574
00:39:46,166 --> 00:39:48,298
If he kills himself
your company doesn't pay.
575
00:39:48,342 --> 00:39:50,649
So he had to
hide the gun.
576
00:39:50,692 --> 00:39:51,563
Now,
577
00:39:52,868 --> 00:39:55,218
I think he had it
578
00:39:55,262 --> 00:39:59,135
on some sort
of elastic tether.
579
00:40:01,442 --> 00:40:04,184
Elastic? Oh, that's
very interesting.
580
00:40:04,227 --> 00:40:07,405
[EXCLAIMING]
He fired the first shot,
581
00:40:07,448 --> 00:40:12,366
the rigging probably triggered
the second shot.
582
00:40:12,410 --> 00:40:14,324
And the gun just snapped away.
583
00:40:14,847 --> 00:40:16,283
Where to, sir?
584
00:40:16,326 --> 00:40:17,545
Two possibilities.
585
00:40:21,897 --> 00:40:24,117
Out the window.
586
00:40:25,901 --> 00:40:28,469
Screen on the window.
587
00:40:28,513 --> 00:40:30,732
I don't know how the gun...
588
00:40:30,776 --> 00:40:33,779
Then, if you'll
take the trouble
589
00:40:35,345 --> 00:40:37,652
to glance up the chimney,
590
00:40:37,696 --> 00:40:39,480
I am sure you'll
find the gun.
591
00:40:42,222 --> 00:40:45,138
You're not gonna
believe this, sir.
But I...
592
00:40:50,796 --> 00:40:52,537
You see, I...
593
00:40:52,580 --> 00:40:56,192
You already checked up there?
594
00:40:56,236 --> 00:41:00,240
Don't get me wrong, sir.
I never thought of the gun
being on the elastic.
595
00:41:00,283 --> 00:41:03,243
I mean, I just happened
to look up there
596
00:41:03,286 --> 00:41:06,464
I mean, it was just because
the... All the lab boys,
you know,
597
00:41:06,507 --> 00:41:10,642
they were vacuuming the rug
and they said that there was
powder carbon around.
598
00:41:11,991 --> 00:41:15,298
Well, anytime, Lieutenant.
599
00:41:36,232 --> 00:41:37,451
[DOORBELL RINGING]
600
00:41:40,585 --> 00:41:43,457
Oh, you poor man.
601
00:41:43,501 --> 00:41:46,025
Why didn't you park
in the driveway?
602
00:41:46,068 --> 00:41:48,854
Well, I have an oil leak
in my car, ma'am, and...
603
00:41:48,897 --> 00:41:50,899
Wouldn't you know it.
604
00:41:50,943 --> 00:41:53,032
Just tonight my wife decided
605
00:41:53,075 --> 00:41:56,601
to try out a new spot remover
for my raincoat.
606
00:41:56,644 --> 00:41:58,907
Why don't you put
your umbrella over there?
607
00:42:05,914 --> 00:42:07,307
Do sit down, Lieutenant.
608
00:42:09,178 --> 00:42:12,312
Oh, would you
look at that?
609
00:42:12,355 --> 00:42:15,358
That's the same Victrola
that they have
down at the Sigma Club.
610
00:42:15,402 --> 00:42:20,146
Yes, Oliver donated it.
One of his clients makes them.
611
00:42:20,189 --> 00:42:23,497
You know, the one at the club
is working very funny. Every
time you push the play button
612
00:42:23,541 --> 00:42:27,414
the needle drops down
right in the middle and
always in the same spot.
613
00:42:27,457 --> 00:42:29,982
Oh, I think
I can explain that.
614
00:42:30,025 --> 00:42:32,288
It has a computer. A memory.
615
00:42:32,332 --> 00:42:36,075
So, say you wanted to
play a Sinatra record.
616
00:42:36,641 --> 00:42:38,120
How about this one?
617
00:42:39,208 --> 00:42:40,514
Really, Inspector?
618
00:42:40,558 --> 00:42:41,602
Well, why not?
619
00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:43,865
Well...
620
00:42:47,086 --> 00:42:52,265
Say you wanted to hear
the second and
the fifth track of a record.
621
00:42:52,308 --> 00:42:56,486
You can set this, so that
it skips all the others.
622
00:42:58,097 --> 00:43:00,186
Just by pushing those buttons?
623
00:43:00,229 --> 00:43:02,275
You can even set it
624
00:43:02,318 --> 00:43:05,539
so that it plays the same
track over and over again.
625
00:43:05,583 --> 00:43:08,020
And it also
switches itself off.
626
00:43:08,063 --> 00:43:09,935
Isn't that something?
627
00:43:09,978 --> 00:43:11,414
A glass of wine,
Lieutenant?
628
00:43:11,458 --> 00:43:13,199
Oh, thank you
very much, sir.
629
00:43:15,593 --> 00:43:18,944
Sir, here I am,
playing with this
beautiful machine and...
630
00:43:20,336 --> 00:43:22,077
What a coincidence.
631
00:43:23,078 --> 00:43:25,690
What I was going to
ask you, sir, was
632
00:43:25,733 --> 00:43:28,693
the murderer wouldn't have
put the record on
up in the library,
633
00:43:28,736 --> 00:43:32,392
and you didn't do it.
So that means
Mr. Hastings did it.
634
00:43:32,435 --> 00:43:35,700
Now did your friend have
any particular liking
for Tchaikovsky?
635
00:43:35,743 --> 00:43:37,353
Bertie had a tin ear.
636
00:43:37,397 --> 00:43:40,095
He understood nothing
and liked everything.
637
00:43:40,139 --> 00:43:42,141
Tchaikovsky included.
638
00:43:42,184 --> 00:43:46,232
That's exactly what
your secretary Alvin said.
639
00:43:46,275 --> 00:43:49,148
I see. Well, I suppose
Alvin would know.
640
00:43:49,191 --> 00:43:52,151
He was with Bertie
for almost a year. Please.
641
00:43:53,631 --> 00:43:57,156
Oh. It's getting
very late, sir.
Mrs. Brandt.
642
00:43:57,199 --> 00:43:58,679
But you haven't touched
your wine.
643
00:43:58,723 --> 00:44:01,116
Some other time, ma'am.
Thank you very much.
644
00:44:01,160 --> 00:44:02,640
I'll see you out.
645
00:44:09,168 --> 00:44:12,998
One more question, sir.
About those sacks of gold.
646
00:44:13,041 --> 00:44:17,698
If I put them all on the scale
and then take them off
one by one.
647
00:44:17,742 --> 00:44:20,353
No. You use your penny.
648
00:44:20,396 --> 00:44:23,573
You get a card. You have
one reading on the weight.
649
00:44:24,705 --> 00:44:27,273
Right. Got it.
650
00:44:28,491 --> 00:44:31,364
I'm gonna work on that
tonight with Mrs. Columbo.
651
00:44:36,108 --> 00:44:37,326
VIVIAN: Good night,
Lieutenant.
652
00:44:38,197 --> 00:44:39,981
[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING]
653
00:44:53,255 --> 00:44:56,258
Hi. I'm Suzy.
654
00:44:57,042 --> 00:44:58,347
Hi, Suzy.
655
00:44:59,740 --> 00:45:03,657
I've tried Esalen,
Primal Scream,
Pyramid Power,
656
00:45:03,701 --> 00:45:07,443
Synanon, a black mass
in San Francisco,
657
00:45:07,487 --> 00:45:11,752
open marriage, est, TA, TM,
I'm OK, You're OK,
658
00:45:11,796 --> 00:45:13,754
and I'm still a target.
659
00:45:17,366 --> 00:45:19,760
Lieutenant Columbo, sir.
We've met.
660
00:45:19,804 --> 00:45:21,109
Nice to see you here.
661
00:45:22,328 --> 00:45:23,372
[LAUGHING]
662
00:45:25,244 --> 00:45:27,725
It's really very crowded
here, ma'am.
663
00:45:27,768 --> 00:45:30,075
I'm terribly sorry.I enjoyed it.
664
00:45:30,118 --> 00:45:32,164
I'm Suzy. He's George.
665
00:45:32,207 --> 00:45:34,296
How'd you find me?
Alvin?
666
00:45:34,340 --> 00:45:36,603
I don't like to talk
behind people's backs, sir,
667
00:45:36,646 --> 00:45:39,040
but I don't think
Alvin likes you very much.
668
00:45:39,084 --> 00:45:40,476
Now do you come here often,
Lieutenant?
669
00:45:40,520 --> 00:45:42,217
No, ma'am.
My first time.
670
00:45:42,261 --> 00:45:44,524
Listen, what else did he
tell you, Lieutenant?
671
00:45:44,567 --> 00:45:47,527
I can tell, sir, that
you're the kind of man
672
00:45:47,570 --> 00:45:51,183
that has a lot of
terrific plans for himself.
673
00:45:51,226 --> 00:45:53,489
But I think you ought
to think about something.
674
00:45:53,533 --> 00:45:55,578
Let me buy you
a drink, Lieutenant.
675
00:45:55,622 --> 00:45:58,146
Thank you very much, ma'am,
but I'm working.
676
00:45:58,190 --> 00:46:01,715
As a matter of fact,
I can't think of a time
when I wasn't working.
677
00:46:01,759 --> 00:46:03,412
You see, sir,
678
00:46:04,762 --> 00:46:07,416
here I am telling you
something, sir.
679
00:46:10,289 --> 00:46:14,684
Any accountant who is
aware of a felony,
680
00:46:14,728 --> 00:46:17,513
he becomes an accessory
to that felony
681
00:46:17,557 --> 00:46:19,733
unless he reports it
to the proper authorities.
682
00:46:19,777 --> 00:46:21,561
I like the way
you wear your hair.
683
00:46:21,604 --> 00:46:23,476
What I'm saying is...
684
00:46:23,519 --> 00:46:27,393
Oh, thank you
very much, ma'am.
I like the way you wear yours.
685
00:46:27,436 --> 00:46:30,483
What I'm trying to say,
George, is
686
00:46:30,526 --> 00:46:34,443
I really don't think you're
gonna be able to make it to
the top with a police record.
687
00:46:35,793 --> 00:46:37,316
I don't think so.
688
00:46:40,928 --> 00:46:42,538
SUZY: Goodbye, Lieutenant.
689
00:46:46,281 --> 00:46:49,415
You have some
very interesting friends.
690
00:46:49,937 --> 00:46:51,678
I wish I were dead.
691
00:46:53,898 --> 00:46:56,683
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
692
00:47:11,654 --> 00:47:12,568
Lieutenant.
693
00:47:18,183 --> 00:47:19,358
You bought that here?
694
00:47:21,186 --> 00:47:23,666
No, I bought it
in the donut shop
695
00:47:23,710 --> 00:47:27,714
because I was gonna eat
it in the elevator, but then
I saw my friend here and...
696
00:47:30,195 --> 00:47:32,240
I'm really terribly sorry.
697
00:47:37,811 --> 00:47:39,552
Well, let me see.
698
00:47:41,684 --> 00:47:42,903
Let's see now.
699
00:47:42,947 --> 00:47:44,557
I can come back.
700
00:47:44,600 --> 00:47:46,689
No, no, no, I'll have...
701
00:47:48,866 --> 00:47:50,258
I'll have a donut.
702
00:47:57,352 --> 00:47:59,746
I thought about
what you said, Lieutenant.
703
00:47:59,789 --> 00:48:02,880
Sir, if it'll be
of any help to you,
704
00:48:02,923 --> 00:48:06,884
I know that Mr. Brandt
lost lots of money
on some stock options.
705
00:48:07,841 --> 00:48:09,408
Alvin again?
706
00:48:12,498 --> 00:48:14,892
So Mr. Brandt needed money.
707
00:48:14,935 --> 00:48:16,676
Have you met Mrs. Brandt?
708
00:48:17,285 --> 00:48:18,504
Yes.
709
00:48:22,464 --> 00:48:25,990
Okay. I went back
to the office one night.
710
00:48:26,033 --> 00:48:28,644
He was Mr. Hastings'
secretary at the time.
711
00:48:28,688 --> 00:48:32,692
Well, there he was, replacing
some files in Brandt's office.
712
00:48:32,735 --> 00:48:36,870
Confidential accounts that
Brandt handled personally.
713
00:48:36,914 --> 00:48:39,960
Now this is
when you were still
Mr. Brandt's secretary, right?
714
00:48:40,004 --> 00:48:42,354
That's right.
715
00:48:42,397 --> 00:48:45,792
Why would Alvin fiddle around
with your boss's accounts?
716
00:48:45,835 --> 00:48:48,534
Because Hastings told him
to bring him the files.
717
00:48:48,577 --> 00:48:51,537
He must've suspected
that his partner was
engaged in some
718
00:48:52,755 --> 00:48:54,540
creative bookkeeping.
719
00:48:54,583 --> 00:48:55,758
Will that be all?
720
00:48:55,802 --> 00:48:57,891
Yes, very nice. Thank you.
721
00:49:00,372 --> 00:49:01,721
Creative bookkeeping?
722
00:49:01,764 --> 00:49:04,376
You see, most of our work
is corporate.
723
00:49:04,419 --> 00:49:08,249
But Brandt likes
to handle some of the
individual accounts himself.
724
00:49:08,293 --> 00:49:11,339
Old clients, mostly widows.
725
00:49:11,383 --> 00:49:13,907
Are these widows, sir,
wealthy?
726
00:49:13,951 --> 00:49:15,387
Loaded.
727
00:49:15,430 --> 00:49:18,390
I checked the files and ran
some computer printouts.
728
00:49:18,433 --> 00:49:20,740
And what's
the bottom line, sir?
729
00:49:20,783 --> 00:49:24,396
Brandt has been sifting funds
from his clients' accounts.
730
00:49:24,439 --> 00:49:26,441
A very nifty job.
731
00:49:26,485 --> 00:49:29,879
So you told your boss
that Mr. Hastings knew
what he was doing?
732
00:49:31,055 --> 00:49:33,666
Congratulations
on your promotion, sir.
733
00:49:33,709 --> 00:49:36,408
I'm always glad to
cooperate, Lieutenant.
734
00:49:39,498 --> 00:49:42,327
Oh, good morning, sir.
I was just explaining
to the Lieutenant that...
735
00:49:42,370 --> 00:49:44,416
Sit down, George.
Finish your grapefruit.
736
00:49:44,459 --> 00:49:46,766
I think I can guess
what you were explaining.
737
00:49:46,809 --> 00:49:49,421
More tips for your nephew,
right, Lieutenant?
738
00:49:49,464 --> 00:49:52,728
Right, sir. George
was telling me exactly
739
00:49:52,772 --> 00:49:56,645
how a young accountant
gets ahead.
Take my seat, sir. Please.
740
00:49:58,778 --> 00:49:59,997
Sir.
741
00:50:08,048 --> 00:50:12,487
He wasn't talking
about his nephew, sir.
It's Alvin again.
742
00:50:19,146 --> 00:50:20,974
[PHONE RINGING]
743
00:50:21,018 --> 00:50:23,063
Good morning, Mr. Brandt. I...
744
00:50:24,499 --> 00:50:26,066
What?
745
00:50:26,110 --> 00:50:29,113
Good morning again, sir.
I thought you'd rather talk
up here.
746
00:50:29,156 --> 00:50:30,592
You're at my desk.
747
00:50:30,636 --> 00:50:32,072
Oh, sorry, sir.
748
00:50:32,116 --> 00:50:34,553
You realize this is
our busiest time of the year.
749
00:50:34,596 --> 00:50:38,557
I understand, sir.
And I wouldn't bother you,
750
00:50:38,600 --> 00:50:41,473
but I'm afraid that
Mr. Hastings might have
been involved
751
00:50:41,516 --> 00:50:43,344
in some nasty things
around here, sir.
752
00:50:45,042 --> 00:50:48,045
I know this is hard
to believe, sir.
But I happen to know
753
00:50:48,958 --> 00:50:51,831
that he had his secretary
754
00:50:51,874 --> 00:50:54,834
take some account files
from your office.
755
00:50:54,877 --> 00:50:55,965
Alvin?
756
00:50:57,967 --> 00:51:02,146
Are you suggesting
a conspiracy
between Bertie and Alvin?
757
00:51:02,189 --> 00:51:04,061
I hate to say this, sir,
758
00:51:04,104 --> 00:51:07,760
but Mr. Hastings might have
been doctoring those accounts.
759
00:51:15,202 --> 00:51:17,509
[SIGHING]
760
00:51:17,552 --> 00:51:20,033
[STUTTERING] This comes
as a terrible shock
to me, Lieutenant.
761
00:51:20,903 --> 00:51:23,036
You'll have to excuse me.
762
00:51:23,080 --> 00:51:26,779
Oh, yes, sir. I understand.
You'll certainly need time
to think.
763
00:51:37,833 --> 00:51:39,531
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
764
00:51:39,574 --> 00:51:41,663
Mr. Brandt. What is it?
765
00:51:41,707 --> 00:51:44,101
I owe it to myself
to express my
dissatisfaction.
766
00:51:44,144 --> 00:51:47,104
I was clearly in line for
the position that you gave
George.
767
00:51:47,147 --> 00:51:50,933
You dare tell me your
position in this firm.
You niggling little twit.
768
00:51:50,977 --> 00:51:53,545
You self-serving
ambitious lout.
769
00:51:53,588 --> 00:51:56,983
Maybe Mr. Hastings took
this abuse from you,
but I certainly will not!
770
00:51:57,026 --> 00:51:59,986
And you'll take it, too,
Alvin, twentyfold.
771
00:52:00,029 --> 00:52:03,076
You'll be a secretary here
until you're old and gray.
772
00:52:03,120 --> 00:52:06,514
And if you try to work
anywhere else,
I'll pull so many strings
773
00:52:06,558 --> 00:52:07,733
that you'll strangle in them.
774
00:52:07,776 --> 00:52:09,909
But that's... Now, go back to your desk!
775
00:52:09,952 --> 00:52:13,913
Suddenly, Alvin,
you're a great,
choking stench in my life.
776
00:52:13,956 --> 00:52:14,827
Get out!
777
00:52:20,920 --> 00:52:21,877
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
778
00:52:21,921 --> 00:52:22,704
[SLAMMING DOOR]
779
00:52:23,140 --> 00:52:24,576
What was that?
780
00:52:24,619 --> 00:52:26,534
What?
781
00:52:26,578 --> 00:52:27,753
Well, the whole house shook.
782
00:52:30,538 --> 00:52:32,540
The world is crumbling.
What do you expect?
783
00:52:43,769 --> 00:52:46,119
What is wrong with you?
784
00:52:46,163 --> 00:52:49,644
I have been betrayed, pursued,
and threatened by innuendo.
785
00:52:49,688 --> 00:52:52,212
The least I could hope for
is some understanding
from my wife.
786
00:52:52,256 --> 00:52:55,955
It's the new negligee
I bought. Is that it?
787
00:52:55,998 --> 00:52:58,175
It is everything
you have bought.
788
00:52:58,218 --> 00:53:01,700
We are in trouble. Oh, and of course
it's my fault.
789
00:53:01,743 --> 00:53:04,093
Well, you are the mother
of my predicament.
790
00:53:04,137 --> 00:53:07,706
And now, little Oliver wants
to be mothered. Is that it?
791
00:53:07,749 --> 00:53:09,751
I want what is due me!
792
00:53:13,146 --> 00:53:16,193
Some affection,
understanding, gratitude.
793
00:53:18,238 --> 00:53:21,807
Support in the worst of times.
794
00:53:21,850 --> 00:53:23,200
I don't know what
you're talking about.
795
00:53:23,243 --> 00:53:25,114
I have embezzled funds!
796
00:53:30,598 --> 00:53:31,860
And I did it for you.
797
00:53:34,907 --> 00:53:39,781
Oliver, I've never understood
about business.
798
00:53:39,825 --> 00:53:41,914
I belong to another part
of your life.
799
00:53:41,957 --> 00:53:44,743
Do you understand
what I am telling you?
800
00:53:45,657 --> 00:53:47,833
No. And I don't think
I want to.
801
00:53:48,921 --> 00:53:50,531
[PHONE RINGING]
802
00:53:58,322 --> 00:53:59,888
Oliver Brandt.
803
00:53:59,932 --> 00:54:01,934
KLINE: Mr. Brandt,
this is Sergeant Kline.
804
00:54:01,977 --> 00:54:03,849
Lieutenant Columbo
and Sergeant Burke
would appreciate it
805
00:54:03,892 --> 00:54:05,720
if you'd come by
the Sigma Club right away.
806
00:54:15,339 --> 00:54:16,905
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
807
00:55:02,690 --> 00:55:03,865
[CREAKING]
808
00:55:11,220 --> 00:55:12,352
[RATTLING]
809
00:55:22,449 --> 00:55:23,972
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
810
00:55:33,068 --> 00:55:34,331
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
811
00:55:44,210 --> 00:55:47,344
[GUN FIRING TWICE]
812
00:55:52,131 --> 00:55:53,350
Oh, there you are.
813
00:55:54,351 --> 00:55:56,178
COLUMBO: Is that you,
Mr. Brandt?
814
00:55:56,222 --> 00:55:57,832
It is, Lieutenant.
815
00:55:57,876 --> 00:55:59,268
Come on up, Mr. Brandt.
816
00:56:00,748 --> 00:56:02,097
You need anything else, sir?
817
00:56:02,141 --> 00:56:04,404
No, that's fine.
Good night, Sergeant.
818
00:56:04,448 --> 00:56:06,014
Good night, Lieutenant.
819
00:56:18,940 --> 00:56:20,028
[CLASSICAL MUSIC
CONTINUES PLAYING]
820
00:56:27,427 --> 00:56:30,256
Oh, just in time, sir.
Perfect. I want you
to see this.
821
00:56:39,221 --> 00:56:42,355
Now I want you to see
what happens, sir,
when the record finishes.
822
00:56:42,399 --> 00:56:46,098
It was really very thoughtful
of you, sir, to give
this Victrola to the club.
823
00:56:46,141 --> 00:56:49,710
Well, I...
I enjoy giving pleasure.
824
00:56:49,754 --> 00:56:53,192
I hope those explosions
didn't frighten you, sir.
Just experimenting.
825
00:56:55,237 --> 00:56:56,413
Soon.
826
00:56:57,849 --> 00:56:59,807
COLUMBO: Finished. Now watch.
827
00:56:59,851 --> 00:57:03,507
It glides across the record
and it goes to this point
right here.
828
00:57:03,550 --> 00:57:08,947
Then it goes back again,
past this point here,
right here.
829
00:57:08,990 --> 00:57:12,254
And then it goes all the way
back again and it rests
on this whatchamacallit.
830
00:57:12,298 --> 00:57:14,169
Now, I want you
to notice this, sir.
831
00:57:17,259 --> 00:57:19,958
Here on this whatchamacallit.
832
00:57:20,001 --> 00:57:23,875
Right here.
Funny little scratches.
833
00:57:24,441 --> 00:57:27,835
Here and here.
834
00:57:27,879 --> 00:57:29,184
Do you see those, sir?
835
00:57:29,228 --> 00:57:30,534
Yes.
836
00:57:30,577 --> 00:57:33,101
A tiny clamp with teeth.
837
00:57:33,145 --> 00:57:36,191
Sergeant Burke thinks
baby alligator clamps.
838
00:57:36,235 --> 00:57:37,889
Now a funny thing.
839
00:57:40,108 --> 00:57:43,503
You remember Miss Eisenback
got a long distance call?
840
00:57:43,547 --> 00:57:45,113
Yes, from her father.
841
00:57:45,549 --> 00:57:47,812
In Memphis.
842
00:57:47,855 --> 00:57:51,903
The call came in just
after you left Mr. Hastings
and went downstairs.
843
00:57:51,946 --> 00:57:54,296
Lieutenant Columbo... And then the call
was interrupted.
844
00:57:54,340 --> 00:57:58,083
She had to hang up
when she heard the shots.
845
00:57:58,126 --> 00:57:59,171
If you say so.
846
00:58:00,607 --> 00:58:02,870
Here it is.
847
00:58:02,914 --> 00:58:06,918
I got this from the South
Central Bell Telephone Company
in Memphis.
848
00:58:06,961 --> 00:58:09,181
Here's the call
from her father.
The date.
849
00:58:10,356 --> 00:58:12,924
How long they talked.
850
00:58:12,967 --> 00:58:15,230
All right.
They talked four minutes.
851
00:58:15,274 --> 00:58:21,236
Which is almost exactly
the same length of time that
the record player is set for.
852
00:58:21,280 --> 00:58:24,849
Watch. I'm going to push
the play button.
853
00:58:30,594 --> 00:58:34,946
Notice that the arm doesn't
start at the beginning.
It starts in the middle.
854
00:58:34,989 --> 00:58:38,297
And if you let that play, sir,
it will take four minutes.
855
00:58:38,340 --> 00:58:40,473
And it does it every time.
856
00:58:40,517 --> 00:58:42,823
Lieutenant, is this what
you called me out for?
857
00:58:42,867 --> 00:58:44,869
No, sir. Not quite.
858
00:58:44,912 --> 00:58:47,524
To tell you the truth, sir,
I have another reason.
859
00:58:50,222 --> 00:58:51,615
Mr. Brandt.
860
00:58:51,658 --> 00:58:53,138
[THUNDER CLAPPING]
861
00:58:54,443 --> 00:58:58,012
I know exactly what you did
and how you did it.
862
00:58:59,187 --> 00:59:01,189
The gold sack puzzle, sir.
863
00:59:02,234 --> 00:59:05,454
Mrs. Columbo figured it out.
864
00:59:05,498 --> 00:59:08,980
You said that there were
these sacks of gold in a room
865
00:59:09,023 --> 00:59:12,331
and that one of the sacks
was filled with phony gold.
866
00:59:12,374 --> 00:59:15,639
And that the phony gold
weighed more than
the real gold.
867
00:59:15,682 --> 00:59:18,642
And that I had a penny scale
but only one penny.
868
00:59:18,685 --> 00:59:21,427
And therefore only one chance
to weigh anything.
869
00:59:21,470 --> 00:59:25,344
And I had to figure out
which of the sacks had
the phony gold.
870
00:59:25,387 --> 00:59:26,867
Am I right so far, sir?
871
00:59:26,911 --> 00:59:28,434
Yes.
872
00:59:28,477 --> 00:59:30,218
All right.
Well, let's just say
there were three sacks
873
00:59:30,262 --> 00:59:32,960
because I happen to have
three sacks here.
874
00:59:33,004 --> 00:59:36,224
And we'll make believe that
this chocolate is the gold.
875
00:59:36,268 --> 00:59:39,576
And each real gold piece
weighs one pound.
876
00:59:40,925 --> 00:59:44,537
But one of these sacks
has the phony gold.
877
00:59:44,581 --> 00:59:48,628
And the phony gold weighs
one pound and one ounce.
878
00:59:48,672 --> 00:59:50,456
Am I right up to here, sir?
879
00:59:50,499 --> 00:59:51,544
Satisfactory so far.
880
00:59:51,588 --> 00:59:53,067
Follow me, sir.
881
00:59:55,504 --> 00:59:57,419
We're going to the scale. Yes.
882
00:59:59,596 --> 01:00:02,294
And here's the scale.
883
01:00:02,337 --> 01:00:06,559
COLUMBO: Now, one bag,
two bags, three bags.
884
01:00:06,603 --> 01:00:09,649
Now we take one piece
from bag one.
885
01:00:09,693 --> 01:00:13,174
We take two pieces
from bag two.
886
01:00:13,218 --> 01:00:16,308
We take three pieces
from bag three.
887
01:00:16,351 --> 01:00:17,918
How many pieces is that, sir?
888
01:00:18,615 --> 01:00:20,051
Six. Six.
889
01:00:20,094 --> 01:00:21,922
So far so good.
890
01:00:21,966 --> 01:00:26,144
We take all six pieces.
We put them on the scale.
891
01:00:26,187 --> 01:00:29,277
Now if that were
a regular scale
892
01:00:29,321 --> 01:00:33,281
and if all six pieces were
the real gold, it would weigh
six pounds.
893
01:00:35,457 --> 01:00:39,636
But if the first bag had
the phony pieces,
894
01:00:40,724 --> 01:00:44,597
it would weigh six pounds
and one ounce
895
01:00:44,641 --> 01:00:48,253
because I only took one piece
from the first bag.
896
01:00:50,124 --> 01:00:54,259
And if the second bag had
the phony gold pieces
897
01:00:54,302 --> 01:00:57,697
it would weigh six pounds
and two ounces
898
01:00:57,741 --> 01:01:00,700
because I took two pieces
from the second bag.
899
01:01:00,744 --> 01:01:02,223
Bravo, Lieutenant.
900
01:01:02,267 --> 01:01:05,357
And if the third bag were
the phony bag,
901
01:01:05,400 --> 01:01:09,622
it would weigh six pounds
and three ounces and so on
and so on and so on.
902
01:01:09,666 --> 01:01:11,319
Sir...
903
01:01:11,363 --> 01:01:13,234
It's a terrific puzzle.
904
01:01:13,278 --> 01:01:14,540
[THUNDER CLAPPING]
905
01:01:45,702 --> 01:01:47,529
Must be fun playing
with these trains.
906
01:01:47,573 --> 01:01:49,662
It'd be terrific if we just
had the time, right, sir?
907
01:01:49,706 --> 01:01:51,664
Yes, it would be nice.
908
01:01:53,100 --> 01:01:55,189
You know, sir,
it's a funny thing.
909
01:01:56,756 --> 01:02:00,368
All my life I kept running
into smart people.
910
01:02:00,412 --> 01:02:03,415
I don't just mean smart
like you and the
people in this house.
911
01:02:04,459 --> 01:02:05,678
You know what I mean.
912
01:02:08,072 --> 01:02:11,379
In school there were
lots of smarter kids.
913
01:02:11,423 --> 01:02:14,556
And when I first joined
the force, sir,
914
01:02:14,600 --> 01:02:19,387
they had some
very clever people there.
915
01:02:19,431 --> 01:02:21,738
And I could tell
right away that
it wasn't gonna be easy
916
01:02:21,781 --> 01:02:23,652
making detective as
long as they were around.
917
01:02:25,654 --> 01:02:27,004
But I figured that
918
01:02:28,440 --> 01:02:30,355
if I worked harder
than they did,
919
01:02:31,312 --> 01:02:32,923
and put in more time,
920
01:02:34,402 --> 01:02:37,449
read the books,
921
01:02:37,492 --> 01:02:41,409
kept my eyes open, maybe
I could make it happen.
922
01:02:42,628 --> 01:02:43,629
And I did.
923
01:02:48,982 --> 01:02:52,029
And I really love
my work, sir.
924
01:02:52,072 --> 01:02:52,986
I can tell you do.
925
01:02:54,640 --> 01:02:56,773
If there's one thing
I've learned, Lieutenant,
926
01:02:56,816 --> 01:02:59,210
it's that we all have
a cross to bear.
927
01:02:59,253 --> 01:03:03,301
Including those of us
who seem most fortunate.
928
01:03:04,606 --> 01:03:07,131
My problem is
just the opposite.
929
01:03:08,654 --> 01:03:12,049
Born smart, as they say.
930
01:03:13,137 --> 01:03:15,139
A blessing, you'd think.
931
01:03:15,182 --> 01:03:19,012
I had no real childhood.
I was an imitation adult.
932
01:03:19,056 --> 01:03:21,710
'Cause that's what
was expected of me.
933
01:03:21,754 --> 01:03:24,365
Most people don't like
smart people.
934
01:03:24,409 --> 01:03:27,020
Most children despise
smart children.
935
01:03:27,064 --> 01:03:31,068
So, early on, I had to hide
my so-called gift,
936
01:03:31,111 --> 01:03:34,680
conceal it from my own
brothers and sisters,
my classmates, in the service.
937
01:03:36,464 --> 01:03:39,250
Painful, lonely years.
938
01:03:41,252 --> 01:03:43,341
You know, sir,
I never thought of that.
939
01:03:43,384 --> 01:03:47,040
I wonder if all those
early bitter memories
940
01:03:47,084 --> 01:03:49,347
had something to do
with my recent discovery
941
01:03:49,390 --> 01:03:51,392
that I simply no longer care
942
01:03:51,436 --> 01:03:55,266
even for my fellow
intelligentsia in this club.
943
01:03:56,484 --> 01:03:58,747
I find them eccentric bores.
944
01:04:04,057 --> 01:04:06,625
Mr. Brandt, now I've
got a puzzle for you.
945
01:04:08,409 --> 01:04:11,238
Man "A" wants to
kill Man "B."
946
01:04:13,371 --> 01:04:15,112
What am I told?
947
01:04:15,155 --> 01:04:17,505
It's kind of a minimum
information problem, sir.
948
01:04:17,549 --> 01:04:19,856
The men are in a room, sir.
Say this room.
949
01:04:19,899 --> 01:04:22,380
Lots of people downstairs.
950
01:04:22,423 --> 01:04:25,644
And Man "A," the killer,
he plans to use a gun.
951
01:04:25,687 --> 01:04:26,775
Then the shot would be heard.
952
01:04:26,819 --> 01:04:28,429
Not with a silencer, sir.
953
01:04:28,473 --> 01:04:30,388
He also would have
to get rid of the gun.
954
01:04:43,096 --> 01:04:44,750
He would have to
hide the gun.
955
01:04:45,838 --> 01:04:48,188
So the killer brings
an umbrella with him.
956
01:04:49,929 --> 01:04:52,453
May I see your
umbrella, sir?
957
01:04:52,497 --> 01:04:54,412
An umbrella to conceal a gun?
958
01:04:56,370 --> 01:04:59,591
Audacious and foolhardy,
I would say.
959
01:04:59,634 --> 01:05:03,377
But you may test your theory,
if you wish.
960
01:05:03,421 --> 01:05:05,771
Oh, I don't
have a gun, sir.
Never carry one.
961
01:05:07,120 --> 01:05:08,817
The killer has a gun.
962
01:05:08,861 --> 01:05:11,429
With a silencer.
So you said.
963
01:05:11,472 --> 01:05:14,693
You see, sir, the killer plans
to put the gun in the umbrella
964
01:05:14,736 --> 01:05:17,739
and then hide the umbrella
in the fireplace
965
01:05:17,783 --> 01:05:20,351
and take it away
some other time.
966
01:05:20,394 --> 01:05:23,528
Ah! But then
there would be
soot on the umbrella.
967
01:05:23,571 --> 01:05:27,358
You are absolutely right, sir.
There would be soot.
968
01:05:27,401 --> 01:05:30,143
Now, there is a second use
for the umbrella.
969
01:05:30,187 --> 01:05:32,319
You see these, sir.
970
01:05:32,363 --> 01:05:35,757
They're like
loud firecrackers.
We call them squibs.
971
01:05:35,801 --> 01:05:38,673
Now the killer plans
to fake some shots
972
01:05:38,717 --> 01:05:40,762
because the victim
is already dead.
973
01:05:40,806 --> 01:05:44,766
I suggest that the squibs
would leave bits of paper
when they explode.
974
01:05:45,637 --> 01:05:47,204
Telltale evidence.
975
01:05:47,247 --> 01:05:48,857
That's why, sir,
976
01:05:48,901 --> 01:05:51,730
the killer plans to catch
the shreds in here.
977
01:05:53,471 --> 01:05:55,473
Most ingenious, Lieutenant.
978
01:05:55,516 --> 01:05:58,606
But wouldn't
the squibs leave
burns, scorch marks?
979
01:05:58,650 --> 01:06:01,740
Now, this umbrella,
for instance,
is quite unmarked.
980
01:06:01,783 --> 01:06:05,439
You are absolutely right, sir.
But suppose this were
the killer's other umbrella.
981
01:06:06,701 --> 01:06:09,226
Oh, I forgot to
tell you, sir.
982
01:06:09,269 --> 01:06:12,533
Last night when I was
at your house,
I took the wrong umbrella.
983
01:06:14,753 --> 01:06:17,234
Excuse me, sir.
Just one moment.
984
01:06:22,891 --> 01:06:25,851
I took yours. It was
an honest mistake, sir.
985
01:06:25,894 --> 01:06:28,462
And we're not allowed
to get evidence that way.
986
01:06:28,506 --> 01:06:30,160
But as long as I had it,
987
01:06:31,683 --> 01:06:35,295
the lab found burns
from the squibs.
988
01:06:35,339 --> 01:06:36,644
And lots of soot, sir.
989
01:06:36,688 --> 01:06:37,994
I see.
990
01:06:38,037 --> 01:06:40,300
Now, tell me this,
Lieutenant.
991
01:06:40,344 --> 01:06:41,910
How were the squibs detonated?
992
01:06:41,954 --> 01:06:46,002
The killer is
a very intelligent man, sir.
993
01:06:46,045 --> 01:06:49,875
Watch. I put the squibs
in the umbrella and the gun.
994
01:06:52,965 --> 01:06:55,315
We'll pretend
that this is the gun.
995
01:06:56,838 --> 01:06:58,362
Now, the killer
996
01:06:59,972 --> 01:07:04,020
wedges the umbrella
up the chimney.
997
01:07:04,063 --> 01:07:05,847
You can't be serious.
998
01:07:05,891 --> 01:07:09,373
Oh, I am, sir. I am.
Absolutely serious.
999
01:07:11,549 --> 01:07:14,987
Now, we'll just pretend
that this umbrella is
up the chimney.
1000
01:07:18,947 --> 01:07:21,689
Now, these wires, sir.
1001
01:07:21,733 --> 01:07:24,475
They're attached to a battery
1002
01:07:24,518 --> 01:07:27,869
and the same kind of squibs.
1003
01:07:27,913 --> 01:07:30,220
Now, we'll just put these
in the umbrella.
1004
01:07:32,744 --> 01:07:35,051
And we'll run
this wire, sir,
1005
01:07:35,094 --> 01:07:36,530
right over here
to the Victrola.
1006
01:07:40,491 --> 01:07:41,840
We push the play button.
1007
01:07:44,712 --> 01:07:47,933
And we attach the wires here
1008
01:07:49,717 --> 01:07:52,677
and here,
where I showed you
those scratches.
1009
01:07:52,720 --> 01:07:54,070
Preposterous nonsense.
1010
01:07:54,113 --> 01:07:56,681
Now the killer knows
when the record will end.
1011
01:07:56,724 --> 01:07:58,639
Yes, yes, you've
demonstrated all that.
1012
01:07:58,683 --> 01:08:02,295
And when the arm comes over
it will make contact.
1013
01:08:02,339 --> 01:08:04,776
First here exploding one squib
1014
01:08:04,819 --> 01:08:08,388
and then here
exploding the second.
1015
01:08:08,432 --> 01:08:10,738
But the body fell
between the two shots.
1016
01:08:10,782 --> 01:08:14,438
Yes, sir. That's where
the killer has to take
a very big chance.
1017
01:08:18,094 --> 01:08:20,922
The dictionary has
a line here,
dividing it in half.
1018
01:08:20,966 --> 01:08:23,751
So it can be balanced
on the edge.
1019
01:08:23,795 --> 01:08:26,450
You see, sir? Like this.
1020
01:08:26,493 --> 01:08:27,973
Clever but too unpredictable.
1021
01:08:28,016 --> 01:08:29,757
Important for
the illusion, sir.
1022
01:08:29,801 --> 01:08:31,281
The sound of the body falling.
1023
01:08:31,324 --> 01:08:33,283
You've got it. But impossible to time.
1024
01:08:33,326 --> 01:08:35,285
But this killer is
very smart, sir.
1025
01:08:35,328 --> 01:08:37,809
Can he make the book fall
between the two shots? Oh, yes, sir.
1026
01:08:37,852 --> 01:08:39,854
How? Triggered by what? I'll show you.
1027
01:08:39,898 --> 01:08:41,595
He would have to be a genius.
1028
01:08:41,639 --> 01:08:43,336
I think so too, sir.
1029
01:08:43,380 --> 01:08:46,383
Now I don't mean to
imply that I thought
of this all by myself.
1030
01:08:46,426 --> 01:08:49,864
I mean, some of the smartest
people in the world are right
here in this club,
1031
01:08:49,908 --> 01:08:51,997
and they helped me, sir.
They helped me a lot.
1032
01:08:52,040 --> 01:08:54,391
[SCOFFING] They're dunces,
the lot of them.
1033
01:08:54,434 --> 01:08:57,524
Mr. Danziger, the president
of the club, you wouldn't
call him a dunce.
1034
01:08:57,568 --> 01:08:58,873
Oh, wouldn't I?
1035
01:08:58,917 --> 01:09:02,138
Well, it was his idea.
The book, the vibrations...
1036
01:09:02,181 --> 01:09:04,966
Vibrations?
What are you talking about?
1037
01:09:05,010 --> 01:09:09,493
The first squib, sir.
He really made it
sound very simple.
1038
01:09:09,536 --> 01:09:12,800
When the squib goes off,
it produces vibrations.
1039
01:09:12,844 --> 01:09:14,759
And that knocks the book down.
1040
01:09:14,802 --> 01:09:16,717
That Danziger is a genius!
1041
01:09:16,761 --> 01:09:19,459
Vibrations? That nitwit.
1042
01:09:19,503 --> 01:09:22,941
The man who conceived all
this, you've made him out
to be a bungling ass!
1043
01:09:22,984 --> 01:09:25,944
No! This is what
he would've done. This.
1044
01:09:30,818 --> 01:09:32,124
[FIRECRACKER EXPLODING]
1045
01:09:33,169 --> 01:09:34,605
There!
1046
01:09:34,648 --> 01:09:35,867
[LAUGHING]
1047
01:09:37,390 --> 01:09:38,609
There!
1048
01:09:51,883 --> 01:09:53,014
Oh, my.
1049
01:09:56,453 --> 01:09:57,758
Oh, my.
1050
01:10:00,196 --> 01:10:01,719
[PHONE RINGING]
1051
01:10:06,637 --> 01:10:07,768
Lieutenant Columbo.
1052
01:10:09,205 --> 01:10:10,989
Oh, yes, Mrs. Brandt.
He's right here.
1053
01:10:16,690 --> 01:10:17,648
For you, sir.
1054
01:10:20,085 --> 01:10:22,087
[RAIN PATTERING]
1055
01:10:22,130 --> 01:10:23,697
Yes?
1056
01:10:23,741 --> 01:10:25,569
I'm so sorry, darling.
1057
01:10:27,048 --> 01:10:30,400
Please come home.
Come to bed.
1058
01:10:32,924 --> 01:10:35,535
I need you.
1059
01:10:35,579 --> 01:10:38,712
Alas, my dear,
I shall not be
needing you
1060
01:10:41,280 --> 01:10:42,412
anymore.
1061
01:10:45,458 --> 01:10:46,851
Was it the record player?
1062
01:10:48,156 --> 01:10:49,897
Yes, sir.
1063
01:10:49,941 --> 01:10:51,421
First it was
the record player.
1064
01:10:52,683 --> 01:10:54,598
Why would anybody
start it in the middle?
1065
01:10:58,950 --> 01:11:00,473
I should have
changed the cuing.
1066
01:11:01,518 --> 01:11:03,128
Extraordinary.
That bothered you?
1067
01:11:06,871 --> 01:11:09,090
Will you be
taking me in?
1068
01:11:09,134 --> 01:11:11,919
No, sir.
Someone will be along.
1069
01:11:11,963 --> 01:11:14,879
Lieutenant,
what did you say
your IQ was?
1070
01:11:14,922 --> 01:11:16,141
I really don't know, sir.
1071
01:11:16,184 --> 01:11:17,621
It must be very high.
1072
01:11:17,664 --> 01:11:18,883
My own is...
1073
01:11:21,581 --> 01:11:23,148
We have a test here.
1074
01:11:25,846 --> 01:11:27,239
Oh, here.
1075
01:11:27,283 --> 01:11:29,633
I'm really not very good
at that sort of thing, sir.
1076
01:11:29,676 --> 01:11:31,983
You'll be surprised
at yourself.
1077
01:11:33,854 --> 01:11:35,160
Remarkable.
1078
01:11:37,597 --> 01:11:40,687
We can go directly to
the more difficult questions.
1079
01:11:40,731 --> 01:11:42,254
Ah, yes,
here we are.
1080
01:11:42,298 --> 01:11:45,170
Lieutenant, I'm going
to give you four words.
1081
01:11:45,213 --> 01:11:47,825
And you tell me
which one does not belong.
1082
01:11:47,868 --> 01:11:51,481
Asphalt, uncle,
delight, leave.
1083
01:11:52,569 --> 01:11:54,048
Which word doesn't belong?
1084
01:11:55,049 --> 01:11:59,532
Asphalt, uncle,
delight, leave.
1085
01:11:59,576 --> 01:12:03,188
Well, let me see.
We got Uncle Sam.
1086
01:12:04,015 --> 01:12:05,146
Dutch uncle.
1087
01:12:09,847 --> 01:12:11,327
Asphalt's the word, sir.
1088
01:12:11,370 --> 01:12:14,504
Because you can have
Turkish delight,
1089
01:12:14,547 --> 01:12:18,856
French leave and Dutch uncle.
All nationalities.
1090
01:12:18,899 --> 01:12:22,555
Lieutenant,
have you ever considered
a different line of work?
1091
01:12:22,599 --> 01:12:25,993
Me, sir? No.
1092
01:12:26,037 --> 01:12:29,997
Never. I couldn't do that.
1093
01:12:46,362 --> 01:12:48,189
...crying for you
1094
01:12:49,974 --> 01:12:53,325
And as I sit here and sigh
1095
01:12:53,369 --> 01:12:57,590
Says I,
"I can't believe it's true"
1096
01:12:57,634 --> 01:13:00,767
Boo-hoo,
1097
01:13:00,811 --> 01:13:05,032
I tell my mama on you
1098
01:13:05,076 --> 01:13:09,036
The little game
that you played
1099
01:13:09,080 --> 01:13:12,779
Has made her baby oh so blue
82952
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