All language subtitles for Cheers - 824 - Mr Otis Regrets

(Woody)
cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience

well, i've gotta run home

and be a father
for about an hour.

Where's lilith?

Noted research psychologist

dr. Lilith sternin-crane

has a singing lesson.

Lilith sings?

Well, it seems it's always
bothered my dear heart

that she cannot sing.

As if that were
her only character flaw.

And now with the baby,
she'd like to be able
to sing him a lullaby

without frightening
4 years of growth
out of him.

Don't put lilith down
for wanting to sing.

I think it's cool.

You do?
Yeah.

I remember when i was 14,

i sang the lead
in my school choir.

It was one of the
happiest times of my life.

Yeah, it made me
the most popular girl
in school.

Really?

Of course, i never
wore anything under my robe.

¶ Sometimes you want to go

¶ where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ and they're always
glad you came ¶

¶ you wanna be
where you can see ¶

¶ our troubles
are all the same ¶

¶ you wanna go
where everybody
knows your name ¶

[seagulls cawing]

(sam)
yo, woody!

Hey, rebecca left a message
for you about some

terry who wants
to meet with you

about an ad
in the paper.

Oh, yeah, i'm advertising
for a roommate.

My landlord
just raised my rent.

Well, why don't you just move?

Are you kiddin'?
I love my neighborhood.

It's so quiet there.

Especially since the gangs
started using silencers.

Huh?

Hey, well,
a great neighborhood
just got even greater, huh?

And you be careful
when you pick roommates now.

Being an old ballplayer,

i'm kind of an expert
on this subject.

The guys out there
who just wanna
stay up all night,

play loud music,
bring the girls in
at all hours...

now, these are the fun guys,
these are the guys you want.

Hi, is there
a woody boyd here?

Yes, ma'am.
What can i do for you?

Oh, woody. I'm terry gardner.

I'm responding to your ad
for a roommate.

Oh, w-when i heard
the name terry,

i automatically assumed
it was a guy.

Oh, well, if it bothers you
that i'm not a guy,
you know--

no, no, no, no, no, don't go
having some big expensive
operation for me.

No, i meant that
i would understand.

Oh, right.

Well, listen,
you came all this way,

why don't
you just sit down?

I'd better hear you out.
Ok.

All right, well,
let me tell you
about myself.

Ok.

I'm originally from indiana.

I'm a dental assistant,
i love to cook.

What else can i tell you?

My daddy is a minister.

Will you excuse me
for a moment?

Sure.

Hey, guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah?

She seems like
the perfect roommate.

But i don't know, i mean,
the thought of havin'
a girl for a roommate...

well, i got a real problem
with that.

Girlfriend wouldn't
understand, huh?

Hmm.
Now i got 2 problems.

Oh, i get it, i get it.
Your mom would disapprove.

Make that 3 problems.

What, do you have
religious scruples?

Oh, great. 4 problems.

What was your original
problem, woody?

Well, i like to
sit on the couch

and leave the top button
of my pants undone

after a good frozen meal.

(Woody)
i mean, i--i don't think
kelly would mind.

If i'm not sleeping
with her,

why would i be sleeping
with someone else?

Whoa, wait a minute.

You've been goin' out
with kelly for over a year,

and you're not
sleeping with her?

Of course not.
That's the sort of thing
you wait to do

after you're married.
Right, mr. Peterson?

Oh, you keep
believing that, woody.

All right,
i made up my mind.

Terry, you can move in.

Oh, great.

All right,
here's an envelope.

It has my address
and 3 keys in it.

All right, one of the keys
is for the doorknob,

one is
for the security bolt,

and one is
for the deadbolt.

You can never be
too careful.

Won't you need a key?

No, i left the window open.

Oh.

[Gasps]

oh.

Oh. Oh.

What? What?
What are you looking at?

It's robin colcord
and that little tramp
he's been seeing.

Oh, there's a picture
of you in the paper?

No.

It's that little
charge d'affaires
from the french consulate.

Rebecca, i must tell you,
this is not healthy
relationship you're in.

I mean, stuck in a runoff
with another woman

for robin colcord's
affections.
It's demeaning.

Although it's nothing

compared to what i'd do
to have
this exquisite creature

grind her heel
into my forehead.

My god!

Wow, look at that.

Boy, i've never seen
anything quite like that.

Come on, now.
How hot could she be?

[Sobbing]

oh, give me that.

You guys, she's not
that good-lookin'.

Oh, no. I'll show you
how good-lookin' she is.

Barry. Barry,
what do you think
of this babe?

I'd switch.

I hate her.

I wish she was dead.

What is she doing here?
This is my town.

Jean-marie is here
for some franco-american
trade celebration.

All of boston's elite
is gonna be there.

Plus one frog slut.

Jean-marie.

Oh, the name just glides
off the tongue.

Of course, i hope
it doesn't do that tonight

when i'm in the rack
with lilith.

Jean-marie. I don't think
that's such a hot name.

I think it's stupid.

It sounds like it's french
for jan murray.

Well, the french,
they consider jan murray

the greatest comic genius
of the 20th century.

No, they say that
about jerry lewis.

Well, they're wrong.
It's jan murray.

I wish i could go
to that ball tonight

and see her in action.

See what robin thinks
is so damn special about her.

I'd love to be
a fly on the wall.

Love to be a fly
on the ceiling.

What's the difference?

Better view
of those cha-chas.

Wait a minute.

Why don't you go
to that ball tonight?

No, i--
yes, yes, yes, yes.

You go to the ball tonight,

and then you come back
and you report to me.

Here, wait. Here, wait.

[Cash register rings]
you take this money,

and you buy yourself
a ticket,

and then you come back here
and you report to me

and tell me everything
about her.

No, i don't think
i should do that.

Look, i am not asking you
to sacrifice anything.

You get to go out,
dress up,
have a great meal,

and meet a beautiful
french tramp.

All right, all right,
i'm gonna do it.

But i'm just doin' this
purely out of friendship.

You know somethin'?

It doesn't feel half bad.

You know, for once,
i think i'm doing something

that's not just for
my own selfish pleasure.

It's kind of like, uh...

it's like i'm doin' it
for a higher purpose.

Yeah, i'm kind of like that,
uh, that old nun.

What's that babe's name?

Mother teresa?
Yeah, right.

Hey, guys.

(Man)
hey, sammo.
Sam.

Sam, uh, did you see,
did you see
jean-marie last night?

What was she like?

[Chuckles]
oh, rebecca,

thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you,
thank you.

Quit thanking me
and just give me details.

Uh, there are no details.

Well, she did kind of
detail me, i guess.

(Rebecca)
what?

[All exclaiming]

you slept with her?

Oh, get real.
Who could sleep
with all that sex going on?

[All cheering]

(rebecca)
you pig!

How was she?

Was she good
or was she bad?

Please tell me
she was bad.

Well, let me put it
to you this way.

Imagine all
the nuclear warheads
in the world

goin' off
all at the same time,

exactly when
the sun explodes.

Yeah?

Big deal.

Oh, oh.

So what did she do with--
that was so special?

I mean,
i know a lot of things.

Honey,
she's a little beyond

the ann landers'
petting guide.

So what was it
that she did?

Um, i don't--
i don't think i can,

you know,
tell you exactly
what she did

or how or when

you know, i suppose
i could show you.

Oh, god.
What?

Forget it.

I am sure i'm going
to go to bed with you

so i can see how
some stupid french girl
makes love.

Hey, i was just thinking
about you, you know.

Or maybe i could pass on
a few secrets of

what made it
the most incredible night
of sex i've ever had.

And remember,
i was a ball player.

Oh, sammy, come on,
now, come on.

Tell us the rest
of the stuff, huh?

Oh, i-- i'm sorry, guys.

Actually
i never met jean-marie.

The water main broke
in the grand ballroom.

They canceled
the whole party.

Wait a second now.

You--you just made up
all that sex stuff?

[Chuckling]
yeah.

(Cliff)
sam.

Sam, all the other sex stuff
that you told us all,
you know, through the years,

that's all true, right?
Oh, sure, sure, sure.

Because our--our lives
pretty much revolve
around those stories.

I--i know that, fellas.
I know.

(Carla)
you know, i just
wanna know one thing.

If none of this
hot sex stuff
with jean-marie

ever really happened,

then why are you torturing
rebecca with it?

Gee, knowing me,
there must be some reason.

Oh, he's got a reason.

[Cheering]

here it comes,
here it comes, here it--

i don't suppose
it could be

that i know
how insecure rebecca feels
about her sexuality,

or--or how inferior she feels
to this jean-marie girl,

or--or to what lengths
she might go to acquire,

how shall i say this,
uh, french lessons
from monsieur sammy?

[Norm and cliff exclaiming]

you know, sam,
i've seen you try
some pretty inane things

to seduce rebecca.

But this one
doesn't even have
a toehold on reality.

I mean, do you really think
she's that insecure
about robin's affections

that she would actually
go to bed with you

just to learn jean-marie's
erotic secrets, hmm?

Sam.
(Sam)
hmm.

Could i see you
in my office privately?

Sure, honey.

[People chattering]

oh, yeah, oh, yeah,
way off base.

Gentlemen,

i think sammy company
is about to invade france.

¶[All singing
la marseillaise]

hi.
Hi.

Sam, i never thought
it would come to this.

Now i see that i'm gonna
have to eat crow

and ask something
that i never thought
i'd have to ask.

Especially of you.

Don't say another word,
rebecca.

I'll order more vermouth
right away.

No, sam,
it's not that.

Oh, something else?

Something of a more
personal nature, perhaps?

Mmm-hmm.

You're gonna make me
ask you this, aren't you?

Yeah.

All right, fine.

I, um...

i want to be as good
in bed as jean-marie.

Are we out of vermouth?

No.

All right, class,
so you want to learn

all about the wonderful
art of love, eh?

[Clears throat]

now, you're gonna need
lab partners for this. Hmm?

There's an odd number
of you.

I guess the professor's
gonna have to participate.

Sam, be serious.
Come on, this means
a lot to me.

All right, all right,
all right.

Just tell me.

What was the first thing
she did

when you got
into her bedroom?

Actually, we never
got to the bedroom.

You did it in the hall?

No. What kind of woman
do you think she is?

We did it in the elevator.

The elevator?

Yeah. I mean,
i was afraid at first, myself,

being in a public place
like that, but she was--

but she was so insistent.

She said the danger
would heighten
the excitement of it all.

She kept
whispering in my ear

and saying
we could be discovered
at any second.

[Sighing]

amazing stuff.

I mean, at first,
you know, i was against it.

"It" being the rail.

But then, uh,

then, before i knew
what was happening, she, uh,

she took this scarf
from around her hair,

and she--she, uh,
wrapped it around my wrist

[chuckling]
and tied me to the rail.

Oh.

I said,
"hey, what are you doin'?"
She just-- she just laughed.

I tell you. I've never felt
so powerless and in control

at the same time.

Wow.
Yeah.

Then she leaned in closer

and we started to--

miss howe,
we're out of vermouth.

No, we're not, woody.
Get out of here, man.

Well, where is it, sam?

The matinee just let out,
and there's a busload
of old ladies

screaming for martinis.

Wood, there's a--
there's a case of it

on the 2nd shelf
in the storeroom, all right?

Ladies, put the mailman down.

Sam, you were right.
This isn't gonna work.
Yes, no--

no, you have to show me.

What?

I love robin and i need him.

And i'll do anything
to keep him.

Oh, yeah.
I need to be as good in bed
as that french girl or better.

I need to experience
everything

just the way you
and jean-marie did.

In the hotel, the scarf,

the elevator.
The elevator?

Yes! That's the only way
i'm gonna learn, i guess.

I am going to get my car.
Now?

Ok, maybe we should
think this over.

No, no, no. Thinking is bad.
Go, go, go, go.

Thank you, sam. Thank you.

You're welcome.
You're welcome.

Ooh. Oh, god--

[exclaims]

did she fall for it?

Hook, line, and

[clicking tongue]
sammy.

I don't know.
Do you believe this?

Did you ever think
this day would come?

As a matter of fact,
i, uh, never had
any doubt here, carla.

Behold this sealed envelope.

Will you please open it
and read the contents?

Mmm-hmm.

"I, sam malone,
will sleep with rebecca howe

on the night
of april 19th, 1990."

When did you write this?

This morning.
I write a new one every day.

[People chattering]

woody, i'll have
a cup of java

and an iced tea for--

what did you say
your name was again?
Uh, liza minnelli?

(Lilith)
why all this resentment
over my singing lessons?

Is it jealousy
over my desire

to strengthen
the mother-child bond?
True.

Reluctance to part
with even a few hours

of your precious freedom,
or is it merely
that you're a jerk?

(Cliff)
hey, look at this, normie.

Yes.
It's the, uh, nightingale.

You told them
about my singing?

Well, everyone was asking
why my hair was falling out
in clumps. Yes.

So, uh, ahem, how are
the, uh, singing lessons
coming, huh?

Just fine, thank you.
Oh, yeah?

Oh, now, lilith,
you're being too modest.

They're going
splendidly.

Why just this afternoon
lilith received

a romantic proposition
from a young moose.

Oh.
Yeah.

From, uh, northern quebec,
wasn't it, dear?

I mean, you were
pointed in that direction,
weren't you?

[Cliff braying]

jest if you will,

but it takes a certain
amount of courage

to expose one's inner soul
through vocalization.

Especially
with that ahooga horn
you call a voice.

[All laughing]
oh, now, stop it,
all of you!

I've had enough of this.

You don't know
how well i sing.

You've never
even heard me.

Well, you should give us
a little demonstration there,
lilith.

[Laughing]
do you think
i am ashamed?

You want this opportunity
to make more fun of me?

We were hoping, yeah.

Well,
i rise to your challenge.

What's with the...

i'm going to sing
frederick's favorite song

hmm.
Made famous by al jolson.

We ain't heard
nothin' yet.

[All laughing]

¶ when there are
gray skies ¶

¶ i don't mind
the gray skies ¶

¶ you make them blue,
sonny boy ¶

¶ friends may forsake me

¶ let them all
forsake me ¶

¶ you'll pull us through,
sonny boy ¶

¶ you're sent
from heaven ¶

¶ and i know your worth
i'm gonna go
give my ma a call.

¶ You've made a heaven

¶ for me
right here on earth ¶

yeah, i think i...

¶ when i'm old
and gray, dear ¶

this is beautiful.
¶ Promise you won't
stray, dear ¶

i'm gonna send my ma
some flowers.

¶ I love you so

¶ sonny boy
i'm going to go rent
the jazz singer.

Lilith, i apologize.
That was just lovely.

I've never heard your voice
filled with such tenderness
and emotion.

Why--
why have you never
sung to me like that?

Because your breath
doesn't smell like cookies.

No, ma, cliff--
cliff clavin.

Hey, woody.

Hey, terry,
what are you doin' here?

I just wanted
to give you back your keys.
I'm moving out.

What's the matter?
What did i do?

Nothing. You couldn't have
been a better roommate.

You left me alone,
which is just what i needed.
I had time to think.

I've decided i am going
back to my husband.

Husband?

Yeah, we had a big fight
yesterday.

I needed someplace to stay.

See, we were arguing again
over his over his awful temper

and his fits of crazy,
jealous rage.

But we worked it all out.

By the way, woody,
he wants to meet the guy
i spent the night with.

Oh, well,
god, i'd love to,
but i, uh...

you know, this is my break,

and i usually like to
spend this time

running as fast as i can.

Woody?

Woody boyd.

Cutter gardner.

Oh, you know my husband.
I'll go wait in the truck.

Hey, woody, i heard
you moved out here
and became a bartender.

Is that true?
Yeah.

[Chuckles]
we didn't believe it.
Yeah.

Somebody's daddy
owes me $5.

Oh, you're in great shape.
You still workin' out?

Oh, yeah.

You know, this guy
once lifted a tractor
off a guy's leg.

Wow.

And put it on his throat.

[Chuckles]

well, uh, i'd like to spend
all day here
chewing the fat with you,

but, uh, i gotta find
the guy who spent
last night with my wife.

Just bash in his brains.

Do you know who it is?

Mr. Clavin,
we're still friends and all
but run.

What?
That's him!

No! No! No!

No! No! No!!

[Elevator bell dings]

[people chattering]

so this is the elevator?

Oh, yeah. Yeah,
the ecstasy express.

So, uh,
what floor you want to be
stranded between here?

Where were you
with jean-marie?

Who? Oh. Uh...

we were, uh, somewhere
by the, uh, penthouse area.

And we worked our way down.
Well.

Penthouse.

What'd you do on the way up?

Oh.

A lot of this.

[Elevator bell dings]

[elevator bell dings]

hi.

Hey, kid.

What floor you going to?

The penthouse.

Oh, yeah?

[Elevator bell dings]

yeah, look, here's $5.
Walk up, will you?

But it's 40 floors.

Yeah, you're young.
Go on.

[Sighing]

so, where were we?

[Chuckling]

boy, you're really are
into this, aren't you?

What do you say
i make sure we don't get
interrupted again, here?

Ok.

So, uh, when do you want me
to do that thing
where i tie your wrists up?

Oh, we--we don't have to do
that scarf thing.

Why don't we just,
uh, pretend?

Well, if you wanna pretend,
why don't i just go home?

No, no.
Here. Here. Oh.

All right, i hope
i can remember this, ok.

Right, over left,

and under and around.

Actually, the under
and around part comes later.

Ah.

All right,
i put it back here.

I've never done
anything like this before.

Uh, a little snug there, eh?

Oh, i'm sorry.

I'm never going to be
as good as jean-marie.

No, no. Oh, shh,
don't--don't say that.
Snug is good.

Ok.
Yeah.

Oh, snug's very good.

Oh, good.
Ok, then what did she do?
What did she do?

Loosen up some clothes?

Yeah, lots of that.
Lots of that.

Ok, then you go first,
all right?

[Muttering]

[chuckling]

oh!
Oh.

Oh, i see how this
could be exciting.

Oh.

Ok, i've got it.
I've got it.
Wait, the pants.

That's good.

All right.

Oh, yes. This is good.

Yeah!

Now, this is
just fantastic.

Now, you go, you go.

You want me to go?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ok, bye.

See you tomorrow.

Wait.

What--what do you mean?
What are you doin'?

I mean that i know
about the water pipe.

And i know about jean-marie.

And i know
that the only reason
you asked me here

was so that you could
play elevator.

[Sighing]

how did you find out
about the water pipe?

It was in the newspaper.

Oh, shoot!

Just when i thought
you were being my friend,

you go and do something
sleazy like this.

Aren't you ashamed
of yourself?

Oh, yeah, honey. I'm...

oh, i'm so very ashamed. I...

i've learned my lesson.
I really have.

Could you untie me, please?

Please?

The knot's too tight.

[Elevator bell dings]

maybe there's some sailor
in the lobby
who can untie it for you.

Reb...

hey, hey, hey!

[Elevator bell dings]

hey. That's the man
who pushed me.

Give me my $5 back,
will you?