All language subtitles for Cheers - 820 - 50-50 Carla

(Cliff)
cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

(Woody)
for tonight?

Yeah, well, sure.
I guess i can come up
with something.

What's the problem
there, wood?

Well, my theater group's
auditioning for
a spring production.

They want us each
to get up and perform.

Any suggestions?

Why don't you do
a dramatic monologue?

I hear shakespeare's
quite good.

Or perhaps a classic
like rostand's
cyrano de bergerac.

Or how about richard ii?

"This royal
throne of kings,

"this sceptred isle,

"this earth of majesty,

"this seat of mars,

"this other eden,

demi-paradise..."

and so forth.

All right.

[All applauding]

yes, i...

i essayed the role
at university.

I played cyrano
in college.

(Frasier)
yeah.

"My soul,
be satisfied
with flowers,

"with fruit,
with weeds even;

"but gather them

in the one garden
you may call
your own."

[All applauding]

"this precious stone
set in the silver sea,

"which serves it
in the office of a wall

"or as a moat
defensive to a house,

"against the envy
of less happier lands,

"this blessed plot,
this earth, this realm,

this england."

[All cheering]

"i am too proud

"to be a parasite,

"and if my nature wants
the germ that grows

"towering to heaven
like the mountain pine,

"or like the oak,
sheltering multitudes,

"i stand,
not high it may be,

but alone!"

[All cheering]

hey, uh, thank you
mr. Colcord, dr. Crane,

but i think
i'm just going to go
with what i planned.

What's that, wood?
This.

¶ Making your way
in the world today ¶

¶ takes everything
you've got ¶

¶ taking a break
from all your worries ¶

¶ sure would help a lot

¶ wouldn't you like
to get away ¶

¶ sometimes you want to go

¶ where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ and they're always
glad you came ¶

¶ you wanna be
where you can see ¶

¶ our troubles
are all the same ¶

¶ you wanna be
where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ you wanna go
where people know ¶

¶ people are all the same

¶ you wanna go
where everybody
knows your name ¶

hey, guys,

i'm in the chorus
of our theater's
spring musical.

Hey! Very good!
Well done.

Was it the butt walk
that did it?

Well, must be. All the other
butt walkers got in, too.

You know, that guy
who can pull his lower lip
up over his nose

got one of the leads.

What's the musical
you're doing?

We're dusting off
one of the old classics.

Matter of fact,
i got to start boning up
on the period.

Really? Now i love
the classic musicals.

W-which one you doing?
Oklahoma? South pacific?

No, something called,
uh, hair.

Hey, dr. Crane,
what was it like
to be alive during the 1960s?

Well, i don't remember
much, woody.

I was too busy
taming the west.

(Rebecca)
woody?

Are you really
doing hair?

Yeah.
How do you feel about
doing that nude scene?

[Tittering]
what are you talking about,
miss howe?

The nude scene.

I was in a production of hair
when i was in college.

There is this very
famous scene where everybody
takes off their clothes.

Come on, miss howe,
it's not like i just
fell off the turnip truck.

That happened years ago.

Now, back then,
i might have believed
this nude scene business.

Actually, i guess
i would've believed anything
after being dragged 300 yards

down a gravel road
into a rose bush.

Jeez, woody, do you have

any fond memories of
childhood that
you can cling to?

The roses smelled nice.

Woody, i--i'm not kidding.
There is a nude scene.

There is. It's right
at the end of act 1.

It's a very famous number.
Everybody takes off
all their clothes.

Come on, miss howe,
if everybody gets naked,
in this thing,

how come they put me
in charge of the costumes?

Ah! Got me there, woody.

Hi, guys.

Hey, sweetheart.
Hey, how'd the reading
of eddie's will go?

Oh, fine.

It took this long
to read eddie's will?

Yeah.

Well, eddie named one
of his hockey buddies
executor of the will,

so the whole thing
took a while.

Why?

He forgot
where he put it.

Pretty tough
on you, huh?

Well, i'm comforted
to know

that he left
his other widow,
gloria, $100,

and i got the rest
of his estate.

Well, that's great.
What did you get?

Well, i got the bill
from his funeral,

i got the bill from
his headstone,

and all in all,
i ended up with
a big fat nothing.

It sounds like
the other widow made out
better than you did.

Yeah, well,
yes and no.

She got the $100,
but when she wasn't looking,

i copped her coat.

What do you think?
Huh? Huh?

Hey.

Give me back my coat,
or i'm leaving
with your pants.

All right, carla,
give her the coat.

Why you shaking like that?

You walk all the way
over here in the cold?

I had to.

My car keys were
in my coat pocket.

Not anymore.
I dropped them
in the nearest mailbox.

You'll get 'em
in 6 to 8 weeks.

Listen,

if you're still ticked off
about the $100,

you can choke on it.

It's mine.

Eddie gave it to me.

Look, i slept
with the guy.

I made love to him.
I earned at least $50.

Yeah, well, i don't see you
giving me any of the stuff
he gave you.

I am perfectly willing to
give you half of everything
eddie left me.

That'd be half
of his debts

and half of his funeral
and headstone bills,

which should work out
to somewhere in
the neighborhood of, uh, $620.

Here's the $50.

Keep the coat.

Thank you.
It's nice doing
business with you.

Well, i know you'd
give me my half of
whatever eddie left you.

I would.
Absolutely.
My word of honor.

Hey, come on.

Let's go
fish those keys
out of the mailbox.

You know, how do you
break into
those things?

Oh. Piece of cake.

First i gotta hold you
by the ankles, see...
right.

Hey, miss howe,
i'm on page 30.
No one's gotten nude yet.

Woody, there is
a nude scene in hair.

No one could miss it.

[Glass breaking]

(woody)
oh, no!
Not even woody.

Oh, i'm sorry, miss howe.
I just broke a glass.

I'll clean it up
in a second, all right.

[Laughing]
nude scene.

Oh, hey, woody,
you dropped your script.

Hope i didn't lose
your place.

I think, you were right around
this nude scene.
Oh, thanks.

[Woody screaming]

got any michelob
down there, woody?

Checking, sam.

Wood,

how much longer
are you gonna
keep this up?

Till i get used to it.

Dr. Crane says
if i can get undressed
a little bit at a time

in a place where i feel
safe and secure,

then pretty soon,
i can get naked anywhere.

Making progress,
huh, wood?

Oh, you bet.

I mean, i'm still scared,
cold, and self-conscious
as all get-out,

but i did pick up
an extra $50 in tips.

Hey.

(Sam)
man.

What's interesting is,
as human beings,

the most evolved species
of the animal kingdom,

we should assign
such victorian notions
as guilt and shame

to something as beautiful
as the human body.

You know,

even lilith, for example,
still gets undressed
in the dark.

Oh, come on.

A woman with all of lilith's
psychiatric training

still has hang-ups
about nudity?

Actually,
it was my suggestion.

Hi, guys.

How do you like
my hair?

Oh, it's just stunning.
What, did you get
a new rake?

For your information,
gloria did my hair,

and i did hers.

Yeah?
Where's gloria now?

She's at the
beauty parlor

trying to get some
color back into hers.

I don't know
what went wrong.

I mean,
that stuff worked great
on those old jeans, you know?

You know, carla, the last time
you and gloria got together,

the 2 of you were--were
at each other's throats.

I mean, all of a sudden,
you're just palling around
like you were mutt and jeff.

You being jeff,
of course.

We're not exactly
palling around.

She's just staying
at my place

until she goes back
to kenosha.

Carla, you got a letter here.
Looks kind of official.

You know what?
I would venture to say

that carla has finally
found a friend.

Sort of put me
in mind of

the relationship
you seem to have
with cliff, norm.

Yeah.
Hey,

where is he tonight,
anyway?

I don't know.
He said something about
going to the hospital.

Can i get
another beer, sam?

All right! All right!
I'll, uh,

i'll give him a call,
or i'll stop by,

or i'll ask him about it
when he comes back.

Hey, listen to this,
everybody.

Apparently, the ice show
eddie skated in

had an
accidental death policy,

and i'm eddie's beneficiary,

which is to say that
carla lozupone tortelli lebec

is now worth
a cool $50,000.

What?
Whoo!

It means i'm rich,
i'm telling you!

I'm rich!
I'm rich!
I'm rich!

[Whoops]

i'm rich! I'm rich!

I'm rich!
I'm rich!

Sam, i'm rich!

Oh, my god,
i'm rich!

Oh! I'm rich.

Hey, i can't
believe this!

Look at you.
Can you imagine
what you can buy with $25,000?

$25,000?
I said $50,000!

I'm rich! I'm--
come here,
you big lug!

I'm rich! Rich!

[Carla whooping]

[panting]
sam... sam...

but the whole--

but the whole point is...

listen to me.

You made an agreement there
to split the estate
with gloria.

Who?

Gloria.

Gloria.
Yeah.

Oh!

Poor gloria!

Poor gloria...

is not here
right now

and must never,
ever find out.

Wait a minute, now.
Carla, this doesn't seem
exactly right.

Ok, then try this:

poor gloria,
who isn't here
right now

to see me buy
a round of beers
for all my friends.

To poor gloria!
(All)
poor gloria!

[All cheering]

(all singing)
¶ for she's a jolly
good fellow ¶

¶ which nobody can deny

[all cheering]

carla,
another round, please.

Bite my francis.

¶ For she's
a tightfisted widow ¶

¶ for she's
a tightfisted... ¶

hey, come here. Listen.

$50,000 is
a lot of money.

You sure you don't want
to split that
with your best pal?

Oh, you mean gloria?

Look, it's her own fault.
If she'd been here
2 minutes ago,

she'd have got
a free beer.

We were all witnesses
when you gave
your word of honor

that you'd split anything
he left you 50-50.

My word of honor,

if you don't shut up,
i'll split you 50-50.

Now, carla,
you're getting
defensive.

I have a feeling
that maybe
deep down inside,

you're beginning to feel
a little bit guilty.

Hey, look, if i feel guilty,
it's my business.

(Frasier)
all right,
suit yourself.

It's the worst thing
a person can do,
keep guilt inside.

It has an insidious way
of bringing itself
to the surface.

Sure. What do you think's
gonna happen?

Suddenly, i'm gonna come down
with a severe case
of the shakes?

Yes,
exactly my point.

Well, i did it
on purpose, you quack.

Ok, guys,

here i go.

Off to my dress rehearsal.

[Chuckles]

dress rehearsal.
What bitter irony.

Now, listen, woody.

When you take off
your clothes on that stage,
it's not exhibitionism.

You are becoming a part
of the rich heritage
of the theater.

You're joining a continuum
that stretches back

from shakespeare
to the greeks,
to the romans,

and all the way back
into the endless mists
of time.

Gee, i never
thought about it
that way, dr. Crane.

Really?

I had.

Well, maybe i am making
too much of this.

You know, it's not like
they're forcing us
to take our clothes off.

In fact, the director said
that we only have to
take our clothes off

if the spirit moves us.

So what's
your problem?

You know, we are,
after all,
born naked, woody.

I mean, it's man's
natural state.

I mean, you and i
are both naked
underneath our clothes.

Dr. Crane,
you're a married man.

Perhaps i'd do better
to have a little chat
with this gentleman here.

Hey, norm,

did you ever find out
what happened to cliffie?

Uh, yeah, yeah.
It turns out it was
the hospital.

He, uh, had a little
minor surgery.

No big deal. He'll be...
hmm.

Yeah, he'll be back
in a couple days.

How's he feeling?

I'll tell you what, uh,

he's on the phone there.
Why don't you
ask him yourself?

Cliffie? Is that you?

Heh!

[Stammering]

oh, yeah, yeah. I bet--
i bet it does hurt to have
those things cauterized.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Hi, carla.

Look, i got my hair back
to its original shade.

Great.
Yeah.

They had stuff left over,
so they did my purse
to match.

And i got one done
for you, too.

Here. Catch.

See you back
at your house.

Well, that was
nice of gloria.

Now every time
you open your purse,
you can think about her.

Why don't you
just leave me alone?
I got work to do, ok?

[Ice rattling]

[ice rattling]

sam, did we send
something to woody
for opening night?

Uh, yeah.
As a matter of fact,
we did--

we were going to send him
flowers and candy,
but that's so impersonal.

We sent him
a very nice wristwatch.

A watch?

17 jewels, leather band.

Whoa!
Yeah.

How much did that cost?

Uh, actually nothing.
We got it out of
the lost and found.

It had been in there
30 days, ok?

It was under
a lot of stuff, but...

uh, can we get
a couple of beers, miss?
Yeah. Couple of beers, sam.

Coming up, here,
sweetheart.

How you feeling, huh?

Fine. Fine. No problem.
Yeah?

Everything is
perfectly ok with me.

Good.

There you go.

That'll be $3.

Come here.

This has been
going on
for a week,

and it's not getting
any better.

Now i think we all know
why you're shaking like this.

I mean, admit it.
You're walking around
carrying a very big load.

You bet,
and i got it strapped
around me in cash.

No. I meant guilt.

Really?

[Chuckling]
can i see it?

Well, my friends,

you have missed
a once-in-a-lifetime

landmark evening

in the history
of community theater.

Did woody chicken out?

Oh, no, indeed.

Why didn't you stop me,
mr. Peterson?

Why didn't anybody
stop me?

Woody, what happened?

All last week during rehearsal
i kept thinking,

"why am i
the only one who's
afraid to get naked?

Why am i the only one
who's ashamed?"

So tonight, when i got out
in front of that audience,

i ripped off every
stitch of clothing.

I looked around
and i thought,

"why am i the only one
who's naked?"

Well, m-maybe nobody
noticed, wood.

Oh, they
noticed, sam.

As if that wasn't
bad enough,

i heard this high-pitched
scream from the audience.

"Hey, look. He's the only
one who's naked!"

Sorry, wood.
You took me by surprise.

Well, at least the evening
wasn't a total disaster.

I was really touched
by this nice watch
you guys gave me.

I needed one, too.
I lost one just like it
about a month ago.

Can i have a beer?
Yeah. Beer, sam.

Look at this, sam.
I don't need the use
of my hands.

I rigged my tray
so i can do my job perfectly.

That's my beer?

Yeah. Take it yourself

and don't forget my tip.

If you're gonna
put it in there that far,

there better be
a ring with it.

Well, i'm
perfectly ok, sam.

I think
i'm gonna make it.

I just have to
hang in there
for another 3 days,

and gloria
will be on that bus
back to kenosha,

and all my problems
will be solved.
No, wait a minute.

Are you saying
that it's her fault
that you're shaking?

Of course she is.
It's all part of her
fiendish plan.

Why would she have
a fiendish plan?

Because she knows
all about the
insurance money.

How do you know
she knows?

Because she acts
like she doesn't know.
That's how i know she knows.

Do you wanna hear
an example

of what this cruel woman is
trying to do
to break my spirit?

She's being nice!

Y-you know what
she did last night?

She did 8 loads
of laundry,

and i don't have
a washer and dryer.

Carla!

Carla, what are you
doing here?

(Gloria)
i told you
to stay home today.

I've been worried sick
about the way
you've been shaking.

Now, i want you
to go home right now
and get some rest.

I left a pot
of minestrone
on the stove.

Are you from hell?

And i don't want you
to worry about missing
your pay here

because i'm gonna
finish your shift.

You are from hell. She is.
She's from hell, sam.

You are from hell!

Calm down--

no! No! No! No!
Don't touch me!
Don't touch me!

You know
about the money!
Admit it!

You know!
I know you know!

Oh, why are you
torturing me like this?

All right. All right.
Here it is. Here it is.

Here's half
of the $50,000

from eddie's
insurance money.

Here. Take it!

Eddie had insurance money?

I didn't know that.

Give me that!

Oh, my god.

Oh, the hell
with it. Here.

Take it.

Great.

I'm not shaking anymore.

I can go back
to hustling drinks.

Oh, joy.

So that's why
you were shaking?

Because your conscience
was bothering you,

and now,
out of the goodness
of you heart,

you're giving me
all this money

even though it's
rightfully yours?

That's right, gloria.

What a chump.

What?

Just because of
a little shaking?

Huh!

No wonder eddie
wanted another wife.

I don't care
what she says.

I know in my heart

that i did
the right thing.

Besides,
i still got $25,000.
Yeah.

I mean, that can buy
a lot of things, you know?

Yeah, you bet. You know,
i'm proud of you, too.

So, what are you
gonna buy first?

A big, expensive car,

so the next time i see her,

i can run the slut down.