All language subtitles for Cheers - 813 - Sammy And The Professor

(Male narrator)
cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Last call, everybody!

Already?
Boy, i can't believe it.

Oh. Time plays
funny tricks on you
when you get older, woody.

Yeah. You're not
a kid anymore, woodman.

Yes. Life rushes past you.

Months and years
seem to blend into
one indistinguishable blur,

while from behind you hear
the steady relentless beat

of the approaching wings
of grim-faced death.

I just meant my watch
was slow,

but now i don't think
i'm going to be able to
sleep tonight.

¶ Making your way
in the world today ¶

¶ takes everything
you've got ¶

¶ taking a break
from all your worries ¶

¶ sure would help a lot

¶ wouldn't you like
to get away ¶

¶ sometimes you want to go

¶ where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ and they're always
glad you came ¶

¶ you wanna be
where you can see ¶

¶ our troubles
are all the same ¶

¶ you wanna be
where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ you wanna go
where people know ¶

¶ people are all the same

¶ you wanna go
where everybody
knows your name ¶

hey, carla.

This is a black, black day.

Is school out already?

Worse. I got a letter
from the i.R.S.

Poor kid. Whoo!
What's it say?

I'm afraid to open it.

Hey, it may not be
that bad.

Sammy, i just said
it was from the i.R.S.,

The guys who got
al capone.

Well, carla, being afraid of
one of the most omnipotent
and powerful agencies

in the world is, of course,
quite understandable.

But the anxiety caused
by not dealing with
what's in that letter

is far worse than
the real situation.

Maybe you guys are right.

Nothing to fear
but fear itself.

I'm getting audited.
And that.

I'm getting audited.
Next stop, prison.

What am i going to do?

Probably make license plates.

Come on,
audits happen every day.

I did thousands of them
when i was an accountant.

All you need to do is get
yourself a good accountant.

I don't have time for that.

Will you do it, norm?

Sorry, carla.
I'm a painter now.
Can't do it.

But if you do want your jail
cell painted navaho white,
i've got an--

listen, i am desperate.
I'll pay you.

Ok. All right, i'll do it.

All right, fair enough.
I think what
you have to do is

bury the auditor
in paperwork, all right?

I want you to get
your hands on receipts.

Any receipt you have,
all right?

If you don't have them,
just make them up.

That's illegal.

All right. Forget it, then.

Oh, no.

No, not at all.
The kids will love it.

We'll make it
a family project.

All right.

Ok, everybody get to work.

(Rebecca)
woody, polish the bar rails.

Carla, scrape all the gum
from underneath
the table tops.

Why should i?

Because you put it there.

Come on, you guys.

My favorite
college professor's
coming to town.

I've invited her to dinner.

Oh, sam, straighten up
all those cocktail napkins.

I want all the jokes
pointing in
the same direction.

Whoa, whoa.
Don't you think
you're going overboard

on these superficial
little things?

I mean,
who's going to notice?

Sam, your hair's clumping up
a little bit on this side.

What? Oh, hey, guys, man,
you are supposed to tell me
when this happens.

Maybe i am getting
a little bit crazy.

It's just that
i don't know why, uh,

somebody like
professor volkman

would come and see
somebody like me.

You see, i was sort of
a mess in school.

And i was always sucking up
to people, you know,

always trying
to please everybody.

Now, how have you changed?

I got my braces off.

Oh, i hope she likes my teeth.
Sam, what do you think?

They look pretty good to me.
Let's give them a taste.

Oh, ick.

Now, don't say
stupid things like that
when you're around her.

I have a great deal of respect
for alice anne volkman.

She's not only a remarkable
teacher and lecturer,

but also the author
of a book that's on
the best-sellers list.

Maybe you've heard of it,
speak out and score.

Oh, yeah. I read that book.

You read her book?

You read a book?

Well, to tell you the truth,
it was an accident.

I mean, who knew
speak out and score
would be about business?

I thought it was
about babes, you know.

You know, oddly enough,

that business stuff
really works on babes.

Well, sammy.
Maybe when she comes here,

you can ask her for
some business tips
on how to buy back cheers.

Oh, that's a good idea, man.

Sammy, you seem like shocked
that i had a good idea.

Oh, no.
I--i didn't mean it that way.

Actually,
i'm kind of surprised, too.

I think i'll celebrate
by having a beer.

Damn,
there's another good idea.

Wow. I hope this isn't it
for the year.

Sam, i do not want you
talking to her about business
or babes or anything else.

I am trying to impress
the woman.

And you asked her
to meet you here?

[Exhales]
you asked her
to meet you period?

Honey, catch a train
to reality.

[Scratching]

[groans]

this piece is fresh.

Oh. Hey, i was looking
for that one.
Has some good chews left.

[Groans]

i'm alice volkman.
I'm looking for rebecca howe.

Oh, god. Ow!

Never mind.
I think i've found her.

Hi, alice,
it's good to see you.

Oh, sorry.
I was just trying to make
this bar look good.

Here, have a seat.

Would you like
something to drink?

Uh, some white wine.

Some white wine.

Well, rebecca,
it's great to see you.

And i might add,
you look sensational.

And you look terrific, too.

Might i say that
you--you have not changed
one iota since college.

I think you look better now,
and i didn't even
know you then.

Him i like.

Oh, sam, this is
alice anne volkman,
one of the finest,

most inspiring educators
and business minds
of our time.

Alice, this is sam,
a flunky.

A pleasure.
How do you do?

Hey, teach, carla lebec.

Listen, i got this,
uh, business problem.

I'm being audited
by the i.R.S.,

And i'm a little scared.

Oh, well, don't be.

The i.R.S. Auditors
aren't inherently
evil monsters and sadists.

They're people.
Just like you.

Boy, i'm in worse trouble
than i thought.

Alice, i am so honored
that you took time

out of your busy schedule
to spend some with me.

Well, i always like to
keep track of
my former pupils, and, uh,

you were always
one of my favorites.

Thank you.

Uh, may i have some soda
in this, please?

Sure. So she was your,
uh, best student, huh?

Oh, god, no,

but she was
one of my favorites.

Oh, sure, some of the kids
got better grades,

some were more creative,

and some you just knew
were going to make it,

but rebecca...

oh, gee, what was my point?

Oh, yes.

No one wanted success
more fiercely than becky howe.

You just can't beat
determination.

Even today,
i hold rebecca up
as an example to my students.

You do?
You bet.

I tell them about
that little talk we had
at the end of the senior year.

Remember what
i said to you?

That i flunked the final,
and have to repeat the course
in summer school

and get my diploma
in the mail?

Uh-huh. And you did it.

You held your head up
and persevered.

Anyone else would have had
a nervous breakdown.

I did have
a nervous breakdown.

But you completed
the course,

as well as, uh,

several lovely
macrame plant hangings.

And today
she's our leader.

Listen,
i hope this is not a bad time
to ask you this, but, uh,

i--i'm thinking about
buying back this bar.

I was wondering if you could
give me some advice on
how to save a lot of money.

No, sam, excuse me.

But alice and i
have reservations
up at melville's.

Maybe i could
just tag along.
I won't be in the way.

Come on,
i'll treat, huh?

Oh, well, if that's
your idea of saving money.
We do need to talk.

Come on, kids.
It's on me.

Great.
Oh, listen.

If you're going up
to melville's to have one
of their special dinners,

with all the appetizers
and the desserts
and everything,

would you bring back
something for me?

Sure. What do you want?
Your receipt.

¶[Music playing]

you know,
i am really impressed
you read my book.

Mmm, well...

i read it too.
In hardcover.

You should have waited
for the paperback.
Saved a few bucks.

Oh, i didn't buy it.
I checked it out
at the library.

Ah, there go those royalties.

You know what i love
about your book is the way

you lay out
that whole philosophy thing,

dare it, decide it, do it.

That's just so memorable.

Well,
that was no accident.

The common denominator
is commitment.

Plus they all begin with d's.

Yeah, well,
the key is decisiveness.

[Sam grunts]

you know, that was always
rebecca's failing in school.

She could never take a stand.
She always had to ask

what somebody else thought
before she knew
what she thought.

But i've changed since then.

Have you made a decision,
ma'am?

The rest of your party
are halfway through
their salads.

Is the swordfish fresh?

It was when
you started ordering.

All right,
all right, all right,
i know what i want now.

Not chicken.

She'll have the spinach salad,
lamb chops in mint jelly,

and the broiled new potatoes.

Oh, that sounds good.

How'd you come up with
such a great combo?

It's the number 2.

What's this?

It's our dessert menu.
I thought you might like to
hit the ground running.

Alice, i have
something for you.

It's something
very special,

and it's something that
i have waited a very long time
to give you.

This is your term paper
from january, 1977.

Yeah. I bet you thought that
i'd stopped working on it.

Oh, i'm afraid
i'm going to have to

knock you down a half a grade
for being tardy.

It's just that i--i--i--
wanted it off my conscience.
You know?

It's the first "f" i ever got.

But then it led to
all those other f's, so i...

i wanted to feel
a sense of completion.

Granted, it--t's a tad bit
dated in places.

"Jimmy carter,
the 3-term president."

It could still happen.

He was a physicist,
did you know that?

Yes. Page 2.

Well, i'll look forward
to reading it.

You had a question about
how to buy cheers?

Yes, i do.

What's the question?

How do i buy cheers?

Sam, forget it.
It's just a pipe dream.
It's never going to happen.

Oh, rebecca,
nothing's impossible.

Nothing's impossible.
If you put your mind to it,
you can do it.

We have faith in you.

Rebecca, honey, relax.

You don't have to impress me.
You never did.

I never did
have to impress you,

or i never did impress you?

Hmm, that's a pick 'em.

(Woody)
miss howe?

Phone for you downstairs.
It's robin colcord.

The robin colcord?

Oh, i don't know.

If you mean
the fabulously handsome,

wealthy multimillionaire,
yes, that's him.

Woody, would you please
tell robin colcord

that i will call him back
at my convenience.

Ms. Howe,
i know you told me
to come up here

and pretend robin colcord's
on the phone for you.
But he really is.

And you kept him on hold
all this time?

Oh, why didn't you tell me?
Move it!

What about your meal?

Woody, you handle it.

Yeah, i think i'm going to
need more mint jelly

and lots of ketchup.

[People chattering]

rebecca?

You ok?

You never came back
last night.

Oh, i am sorry, alice,
but you know how it is
when you are on the phone

with someone like
robin colcord.

Now, first we were
conference calling,
then telstarring and then

bouncing satellites all over
the solar system.

(Carla)
oh, rebecca, wait a minute.

You, you got a fax
from robin.

Uh, "sorry i left you
on hold last night

"and never got back to you.

But something came up,
and i had to fly
to stuttgart."

All right,
thank you, carla.

Well, i guess
i can hang up now.

You were on hold
since last night?

Ah, don't be ridiculous

i called him again
this morning.

I've only been on hold
a couple of hours.

So, uh, i apologize
for leaving you
up at melville's.

Oh, no problem.

Can i get you a cup of coffee?
Fine.

Sam was nice enough to
drive me back to the hotel.

Good.
Yeah.

So i asked him
into the bar downstairs

to discuss his plans
to buy back cheers.

You know,
you are so terrific.

It is no wonder that
i have idolized you
all these years.

[Laughs]

so after drinks,

we moved the conversation
up to my room,

had a night cap,
talked a little more, did it,

and this morning
had quite a nice
continental breakfast.

So the hotel offers
a free continental
breakfast whenever...

"did it"?

You slept with sam malone?

Oh, is that his last name?

[Gasps]

well, i'd love
to stay here and chat,

but, uh, i've got to
get back to the hotel,

if i'm going to get a nap
before my seminar tonight.

Don't give away
all your dental secrets.

Hey, prof.
Hi, sam.

How are you doing?
Fine. Yourself?

Pretty good.
Think we're gonna get snow?

No, it's too cold.
Yeah. Probably not.
Bye-bye.

Sam,

may i speak with you
over here privately, a second?

Sure.

Think we'll get any snow?

You germ.

What?
You insect.

I cannot believe
you slept with
alice anne volkman.

And how could you
take advantage of

a lonely, older woman
like that?

Oh, sweetheart,
when the lights go out,

everybody's the same age,
and nobody's lonely.

[Sighing]

i cannot believe you made,
my mentor, my idol, just
another notch on your bedpost.

Hey, hey. That's not true.

I don't have a bedpost.

Which you'd know if you'd
ever had the decency
to come to my bedroom.

God, this is my fault.

I never should have
brought her here.

All i ever wanted to do
was impress the woman.

Well, i got
some good news for you.

First thing she said
after she put out
her cigarette was,

"hey, sam,
you're very impressive."

How can you be so insensitive?
What?

Look, she's not another one
of your dumb bimbos!

She doesn't just
take sex lightly, you know.

What are you going to do
when she wants to
see you again?

See? Oh, please.

Yes,
she's a very classy woman.

She probably thinks
there's some kind of
commitment here.

I don't-- i don't think so.
Sam, trust me.

Well...

you know her
better than i do.

I certainly don't want
any misunderstanding here.
I'll give her a call.

Oh, yeah, right.
Some faceless, anonymous,
blow-off phone call

that you have made
a thousand times before.

That's why i suggested it.

I'll tell you what you are
going to do, young man.

You are going to march over
to that hotel right now,

and you are going to
straighten things out.

Hey, first of all,
i only march
when my mom tells me,

and, second,
if i go over there,
i'm still on the clock.

That's another one
of those business things
we discussed,

in the shower.

[Exclaims]

boy, it's getting scary
around here.

Why do you
say that, wood?

Well, i mean,
if carla's getting audited,
can i be far behind?

[Chuckles]

come on, woody,
from what you make,
and the way you handle it,

if you made $1 less,
i do believe you'd qualify
for food stamps.

All right.
Then i'm sitting pretty.

All right.

Ok, cliff,
i treated you to dinner
at the ritz-carlton

on august 16th of last year
to discuss career matters.

Hold on. You know, uh,

i'd like to find out
a little bit more
about this scam

before i lend
my good name to it.

Now, what kind of, uh,
career matters did we discuss?

Your career in
the vienna boys' choir.

Oh, yeah. That was
a tasty little dinner,
wasn't it?

4 star.

Ok, norm, look, um,

if anybody asks,
on november 25th,

i bought you a mercedes
for business reasons.

Right, ok, good.

It's got one of
those car phones, right?
Yeah.

Just don't tell vera
the number.

Hey, carla. I don't get it.
You buy mr. Clayton dinner,

you buy mr. Peterson
a new car.

What about me?
I'm your friend.

Ok, woody, um,

on march 15th,
i took you to hawaii.

Sure, the rainy season.

Is there
a mrs. Carla lebec here?

Who wants to know?

I am donald zajac,
internal revenue services.

I'm the widow lebec.

Mrs. Lebec,
do you own this bar?

Get out of here.

Do i look like
i own this bar?

Frankly, no.

But someone with an income
of $1.3 million obviously
isn't a cocktail waitress.

Don, is that you?

Hey, peterson,
how you doing?
All right, buddy.

Whoa.

Hey, you think carla
owns this place?

That's some kind of
major snafu, pal.

What do you got, one of those
american-made computers?

This guy.

Come on.
I guess you're right, norman.

If she made
that kind of money,
why would she dress like this?

[Laughing]

these are my good clothes.

[All laughing]

i even got my hair done.

The thought that carla could
ever pull down a million bucks

is absolutely nuts.

You know, all the tips
she's ever made in her life
wouldn't amount to that,

even if she did report 'em,
you know what i mean?

Well, carry on.

Uh, i think you'd better
come with me, mrs. Lebec,

and, uh,
get your receipts.

And they all
better be genuine.

I'm going to get you, norm.

I don't care if they put me
in solitary confinement

with nothing but
bread and water.

I'll survive,
because i got a mission,

get norm peterson!

You remember,
i got friends on the outside!

By the way, carla, uh,
no charge.

Rebecca, honey.

[Door shuts]

you didn't come to my seminar.
I was surprised.

Is something going on?

I just couldn't face you,
alice.

Not with all
you've been through,
and i knew it was my fault.

What are you
talking about?

Sam.
Malone, right?

Right.

I sent him over to your hotel
to straighten things out.

Did you two
clear the air?

Yes we did.
And then we steamed it
up again.

I don't get this.

Why, y-you,
you are alice anne volkman,
my mentor.

He is sam malone.

He's nothing.
He's a bartender.

Listen, honey,
you should do so well
at my age.

Come to think of it,
you should do so well
at your age.

You're probably right.

I mean,
you always did know best.

B-but then again, i mean,
you went to bed with sam,
so that makes...

oh, i'm just so confused.

Rebecca, slow down.

Take a deep breath.

[Inhaling]

[exhaling]
close your eyes,

and get a handle
on your feelings.

All right.

On one hand,
i'm a little bit disappointed
with you

for what you have done.

But on the other hand,
i mean, i think,
"well, hell, it's your life."

I mean,
you know what you want--
rebecca, choose.

You're a slut!

Very good.

That's the first time
i've ever heard you
take a stand

without worrying about
offending someone.

You're a soulless pig
of a rotten slut! Slut!

Now i'm offended.

I'm sorry.
I take it all back.

Oh, don't, don't do that.
I was just beginning to
respect you.

Oh. Slut.

Now you're just
trying to kiss up.

Oh, by the way,
i read your, uh, paper
on president carter.

I liked it very much.

[Knocking on door]
you did? Thank you.

In fact, i gave you an "a."

Thank you.

Hey, prof.

I'm giving you an a-plus.

Thank you.

Hey, have a nice, safe flight.

See you spring break.

It's an inside joke.

Last night we broke
a few springs.

Sam, i have this overwhelming
feeling of liberation.

Yeah?

No, i--i--i mean,
i just told my mentor

she was a slut.

Now, i don't care
what other people think.

I mean,
i know what's important now
is what i think.

And i know i'm as smart
as anyone else.

You're a lot smarter
than i am.

I didn't know he was
a peanut farmer that long.

Man. This has been a hell
of a couple of days,
hasn't it?

[Whoops]

you know, but everything
turned out for the best
for everybody.

You know, i mean, i--
i learned a really good
lesson about life.

And, um, i think alice had
a good time with, uh,

you know, stuff you and she
were doing all the time.

And, um...

and then of course you got
all that great business
information from her!

Yeah, yeah, actually,
i never did get
any advice from her.

She kept saying
she was going to
give it to me,

but then we ended up in bed.

Afterwards she said
she was gonna give it to me
the next day,

but we ended up in bed again.

You know, she never really
told me anything.

Now she's gone.

Well,

it's still been
a hell of a couple of days.

[Door shuts]

that slut.