All language subtitles for Cheers - 811 - Feeble Attraction

(Carla)
cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience

i'm telling you guys,
davy crockett was the
greatest american hero.

[Men chattering]
no question.

Come on, man! That guy--
he deserted his wife and kids,

had one of the worst
absentee records
in the history of congress.

Well, who's your hero?

Bambino, babe ruth,

sultan of swat,
built yankee stadium.

What?
Come on, stop, will you?

From what i hear,
the guy was a glutton,

a regular eating
and drinking machine.

Oh, who am i supposed to
pattern my life after, gandhi?

All right, you wanna talk
about american heroes?

I'll give you
numero uno,
who?

The only guy who should be
on the list:
mr. J. Edgar hoover.

What?
J. Edgar hoover
was a paranoid,

right-wing, megalomaniac

who used his position
to intimidate presidents
and congressmen

and smear anybody
who disagreed with him.

[Exclaiming]
can't poke any holes
in that guy, can you, then?

Let's face it, everybody.
In america, in the 1990s,

there are no heroes anymore.

Hey, guys, i'd like you
to meet my date.

[All chanting]
sammy, sammy, sammy!

Sammy, sammy, sammy!

¶ Sometimes you want to go

¶ where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ and they're always
glad you came ¶

¶ you wanna be
where you can see ¶

¶ our troubles
are all the same ¶

¶ you wanna go
where everybody
knows your name ¶

whoo, boy!

Hey, everybody, guess what?

I was reading
the farmer's almanac.

Guess what?
This is an historical day.

This is the 2nd coldest day
in the history of boston.
Yeah?

And don't you wanna know
when the coldest day

in the history
of boston was?

Uh, well,
things are pretty boring
around here

but i don't think we've
quite sunk
that low yet, woody.

Guess what, you guys?

Robin colcord
bought me a new desk.

So when was the coldest day
in the history of boston?

(Woody)
interestingly enough,

the coldest day
in boston's history
did not start out that way.

Yeah, it started out
relatively warm,

then but by noon,
the temperature
began to drop.

So, you got a new desk, huh?

Hey, normie, you wanna see
where the flannigans' dog
almost bit me?

Oh, congratulations, cliff,
you have just won
the boston bore-athon.

Mr. Clavin, how can you
be delivering mail

on the coldest day
in the boston's history
except for one?

A very good question,
young woodman.

It seems that like, uh,
any member of
your camel family, uh,

we clavins have an extra--

oh, wait. That's how i can go
without water for a week.

Woo! Boy,
is it cold out there!

Don't even try, sam.
These people don't care.

Hey, it's the kind of day

you wanna curl up
in front of a roaring fire
with a good book.

Unfortunately, the one
i've been working on
is around here someplace.

Oh, here we go! Let's see,
where was i? Tina! Tina.

Tina, 2 stars.

2 stars?
That's not very good,
is it, sam?

Are you kidding me?
It was great.

That's what
she was wearing, 2 stars.

Sammy, uh, excuse me,
do you know
how to spell "courteous"?

Um, yeah, norm,
just as it sounds.

Then check it with frasier.

Yeah, i gotta write
this letter of recommendation

for doris,
remember my secretary doris.

Oh, yeah, what, did she, uh,
she quit?

No, i have to let her go.

Business hasn't been
going too good since
i decided to stop working.

Anyway, she's on her way
over here. I got to
finish this puppy.

Oh, what have you got
so far there?
I got like,

"to whom it may concern,
doris..."

and then
there's this middle chunk
that i'm still working on.

Then i close it with,
"i hope the red sox
win the pennant.

Norm peterson."

Which is-- that's how i end
all my correspondences.

No, actually, norm,
you have to use
upbeat adjectives like, um,

oh, hardworking,
loyal, professional...

good.
Good, good, good.

Uh, how about prompt?

Ooh, prompt.
Cliffie, all right.

If i might make a suggestion,
why don't you write it
on stationery

instead of a cocktail napkin?

Boy, you know, i--i--i bet
it was murder for robin

to get that desk
delivered on a cold day
like this.

Yeah, i bet there was
only one day
in boston's history

when it would've
been harder to get
something delivered.

If you pretend
like you're interested
in my desk,

i'll pretend
like i'm interested
in your weather.

Deal, miss howe.

You know,
interestingly enough,
the coldest day

in boston's history
did not start off that way.

Like the barometric pressure
in the morning--
i'm sorry, woody. Wait.

I bit off
more than i can chew.

All right, guys.

Here, i got a good start
on this.

I open with all that
courtesy crap.

(Cliff)
yeah?

And, uh, then i go,
"i'm sorry to let doris go.

"No reflection on her.
She's a, uh, fine worker.

"And i'm sure she'll be
an asset to any company.

And may the red sox...
yada-yada. Norm peterson."

(Cliff)
that's good.

(Norm)
yeah. Uh-oh.

Oh, there she is.

My god. He's going to fire
the morton salt girl.

Doris, hi.
Here you go. Uh,

just have a seat.

Thank you, mr. Peterson.
Oh, you're welcome.

It's a very nice place.
Well...

i would offer to
buy you a drink,
but i don't have any money.

Ah.
Do you know if they accept
the sears card?

No, no, it's ok, doris.
It's ok, really.

[Sighing]
doris, i don't know
quite how to put this.

You've really been
a great secretary, but, uh,

i just can't afford
to keep you around
any longer.

Oh, god, i'm fired.
I wish i was dead.

Doris, really, i'm very sorry.
You know, it really
hurts me to do this.

Oh, don't be sorry.

The last thing i want to do
is make you feel guilty.

I mean, working for you
has been
the high point of my life.

Doris, all you ever did
was sit around my office
and sharpen pencils.

Please, mr. Peterson,
you're going to make me cry.

(Norm)
anyway, um,

i've-- i've written a, uh,

letter of recommendation
for you.

Go ahead and take that.
You--you can type it up

and, uh, give it to me
for my signature.
That'd be...

oh, what the hell?
Just go ahead and
forge my signature.

Mr. Peterson, i'm overwhelmed.

Oh.
I don't know what to say.

What's there to say? I think
i've said it all there.

Oh, yes.
Oh, yes, you have.

And i want you to know
i love you, too, mr. Peterson.

Prompt, courteous,
red sox.

Doris, i...

uh, you're reading
something into this,
i-- i think. You know?

You know, it must have taken
a lot of guts
to open up that way.

Doris, i didn't--
i didn't say anything.

I didn't mean to imply
anything.

Well, then,
why would you lead me on?

I'm not leading you on, doris.
You're a fine secretary.

Uh, a good employee, that's--
end of story, ok?

Oh, i see.
(Norm)
yeah.

Well,
this is so embarrassing.

So very, very embarrassing.

If you'll excuse me,
i'll just go quietly.

Uh, oh, no, no,
doris, please.

Now,
you don't have to do that.

You don't want me to go?

No, no, i--i--
i don't want you
to go quietly.

I mean, come on,
think about it,
this is a bar.

You can make as much noise
as you like.

[Screaming]
hey! Ho! Come on! Hey.

Hey, there!

I'll always remember
the way you looked
when you said that.

Norm, that was
a very hard thing to do,

and an even harder thing
to watch.

(Rebecca)
oh, it's gorgeous.

[Sighing]

isn't it gorgeous,
everyone?

You know, i could have had
a desk like this once.

A beautiful antique,
real prestige piece,

something to mirror
and dignify my status.

But i decided that
that sort of display
was too ostentatious,

so i put my money into
pinstriping my beamer.

Looks pretty sporty, too.

Afternoon, everybody.

(All)
norm!

Hey, mr. Peterson,
jack frost
nipping at your nose?

Yeah. Now let's get
joe beer
nipping at my liver, huh?

Anybody seen doris
around here?

Oh, yeah, little gal
with the moe howard haircut?

Bingo. Yeah.

Thought you got rid of her.

Hey, sammy, i'm trying to.
I can't shake the girl.

I mean, i come in cheers,
she's here.

I go upstairs
to plug the parking meter,
she's there.

I come back in cheers,
she's here.

Sammy, it's like somehow
she's figured out
my whole routine.

Oh, oh, mr. Peterson,
i knew i'd find you here

when you weren't
at the parking meter.

Could i warm up
your seat for you?

It's ok, doris,
it's never cold.

I love that about him.

[Sighing]
doris,

we have to get
something straight here, ok?

Yes, mr. Peterson?

[Sighing]
i am not interested
in you, ok?

I'm not interested
in any woman
except my wife,

and i'm not even
interested in her.

She's a very lucky woman.

Doris, i really hate
that it's come to this,

but scram, ok?

If my scramming
would make you happy...

doris, get a life
for christmas,
will you?

If my-- if my getting a life
would make you happy--

doris, yes, it would.
You know, as a matter of fact,
it would.

Before i go,
mr. Peterson, could i--

could i sing
seasons in the sun
to you?

Go, doris.

¶ We had joy,
we had fun ¶

¶ we had seasons
in the sun ¶

no, i mean go, go, doris!
Go on, get out of here! Go!

Go on.

Could i please
just have my beer?

All right, but just guess,
what was the coldest day
in the history of boston?

Am i gonna have to talk
to the manager?

She don't know.

Hey, woody, come here.
You gotta listen to this.

(D.J.)
All right, once again,
for our free trip to hawaii,

be the first caller
with the correct answer.
And the question is,

what was the coldest day
in the history of boston?

[Cheering]

woody, go for it, man,
it's your chance to win here.

Oh, no, no, i'm not using
my knowledge
for personal gain.

I'm calling.

Uh, tell me. I'll call him.

No, no,
you weren't interested before.

And i have a caller
on the line.

Who am i
speaking to, please?

Woody boyd.

Uh, mr. Boyd,
what was the coldest day
in boston's history?

Well, you don't really care.
You're just like all the rest.

Woody, tell him!

All right, all right,
all right.

The coldest day
in boston's history
was january 12, 1981.

Mr. Boyd,
you've won our grand prize!

All right!
The winds were westerly
at 20 miles an hour.

You'll be staying--
you know,
interestingly enough,

the--the coldest day
in boston's history
did not start out that way--

home of the world-famous--

the barometric pressure was--

hey, weatherman, shut up!

Not till i'm finished.
Give me that.

He'll be right down
to pick up his prize.

What did i win, a t-shirt?
(Sam)
ha.

Woody,
you're going to hawaii.

I'm going to hawaii?

It's not cold there,
suckers!

[Exclaiming]

guys, guys.

Robin just faxed me
this message
about the desk.

"Dear rebecca,

"by now, you've received
your desk.

"You should know
that it has a hidden secret

"that's going to make you
very happy.

"Don't look for it

"because i want to be there
to share the surprise.

"I will give you one hint.

[Sighing]

"the key word is

ring."

It's a ring, carla.

There is a ring
hidden in that desk.

Isn't that romantic?

My ex-husband
hid my engagement ring

in an x-rated soap on a rope.

He scrubbed me raw
for 2 hours
before i found it.

Now, that's magic time.

God, what am i supposed to do?

I can't look for my ring
for 2 weeks?

All right.
If that's what robin wants,

i will respect
the man's wishes.

The important thing
is to stay out
of his drawers,

which shouldn't be too hard
for you.

Want another one, norm?

No, thanks, sammy.
I think i'm going home.

[Sniffing]

i don't know,
not feeling too great,
you know?

I just can't shake
the sight of doris

staring at me
and undressing me
with her eyes.

Now i want to go home.

Anyway, uh,
see you in the morning,
i guess, huh?

Yeah, i may be a little late.

Uh, that's ok.
I had a key made.

[Norm screaming]

[norm screaming]

she's following me!
Make it stop!
Make it stop!

I'm sorry, mr. Peterson.
If you don't want me
to follow you,

i could walk
in front of you.

Then you'd have to tell me
where you're going
all the time.

Doris, how long have you
been out there?

I don't know.
The crystal on my watch
cracked from the cold.

I would take it off
but i think it's fused
to my skin.

Doris, what am i gonna
do with you?

Do you want me
to go outside and wait
by the parking meter?

No. Just sit down, will you?

Sammy, do you have
any hot chocolate
or something like that?

Uh, frasier,
we have to talk.

Come on.

No, norm, i'm sorry.

What?
I've had it
with giving out

this free
psychological advice.

It's bad enough
i do it as a living.

I mean, i have to come
to the bar
and do it here, too?

I'm not about to analyze
this poor, pitiful creature

who obviously is suffering
from a very low self image

and finds in you a validation
of her sense of self
and her own personality.

Damn it!
I did it again!

Ok, so what you're saying is
that i basically appeal
to her desperate nature?

Well, clinically speaking,
she'd go for anything

that could lumber up
to her under its own power.

Ok, now,
how do i get rid of her?

Uh, try building up
her self-confidence.
Uh-huh.

If she feels better
about herself,

she'd be less inclined
to degrade herself

by going
for the likes of you.

I mean no offense.
I mean, when i say,
"the likes of you,"

i don't mean you personally,
just any unappealing,
go-nowhere loser.

So, why should i take offense?

Good man.

Doris.

I have no idea
why you're attracted

to such an unappealing,
go-nowhere loser as me.

Now, there are 100s of--

i--i'd say there's 1,000s
of guys who'd be happy
to be involved with you.

1,000s?
Yes, dozens.

But the letter.

No, doris, i didn't write
the damn letter, ok?

I mean, i--i wrote
the part with the red sox,

but the--the other guys,
they helped with it.
They--

cliff, cliff wrote
the word "prompt,"
didn't you, cliffie?

Yeah, you bet.

Wow.
And you don't even know me.

Although,
maybe in a way you do.

Ooh, ooh,
red light. Red light, cliff.

Oh,
what's-- what's the matter?
Frasier, come on, tell him.

Come on!

All right,
but after this
you're on the clock.

Cliff, you may think that
you're getting involved

in a nice little conversation
with this girl,

but, believe me,
she will read volumes
into everything

you say and do.
Cliffie, it's like she's
a zombie love slave,

just willing to do anything

to serve her man.
You understand
what i'm saying?

Oh, yeah.
Crystal clear.

I got a live one.
I don't even have to buy her
a drink.

Hey.

Carla, come here.

There's a handle loose
on one of the desk drawers.
Do we have a screwdriver?

You can't fool me.
You're just trying to take
that desk apart

to look for your ring.

I'm way above that.
I would not betray
my man's trust.

You know, that handle
is really loose.

Do we have a crowbar?

[Traffic humming]

you know,
a postal carrier
is pretty much

the indiana jones
of your, uh, civil servants.

Just as indy faces off
a pit of rattlesnakes

or a sewer full of rats,

i have to, daily
mind you, trade wits
with the flannigans' dog.

Oh, cliff,
when you get out
of the service,

could we go out together?

Well, uh, you know, doris,
there's actually no rule

against mailmen dating women.

It just sort of turns out
that way.

How you doing there, norm?

Uh, kind of at loose ends
a little bit, you know?

[Inhaling]

i just feel strange
not having

that sad, pathetic creature
following me around
all the time.

Doris kind of grew
on you, huh?

Oh, no. I meant cliff.

Hi, guys.

Woody, what are you doing
in that stuff?

Man, where's your coat?
You must be freezin'.

You're telling me.

The deejays made me dress up
in all this hawaiian stuff

and take pictures
outside the radio station.

Then they locked me out
and kept all my clothes.

I hate
those mean morning shows.

Hey, there.
Yeah.

We found this in the truck.

It must've fallen out
that big old desk.

Oh. Well, yeah,
thanks very much.

Ooh.

I wonder if...

[mocking rebecca]
the ring is in there?

I'll tell you, nothing
more pathetic than
a billionaire on the make.

You know, when i got a babe
in my cross hairs,

i don't waste time
sending her jewelry
and furniture.

The only time you'll see me
move a desk

is when i want
more room on the floor
for her.

What do you got?
No ring in here,
just some paper.

[Clears throat]

"this certificate
authenticates

"that this desk
once belonged
to george bernard shaw.

"It has become known
as the ring desk

"because of the dark ring
clearly visible on the desktop

"where he set down his tea cup

upon completing act v
of man and superman."

I wonder if that's the one
where he fought
the mole people?

So this tea cup thing
is the ring

colcord was talking about.

Yeah, boy,
that's really romantic,
isn't it?

A desk that used
to belong to some dork
who writes comic books.

This robin, man, he's got
a lot to learn about chicks.

"This desk has been
appraised at 5--"

whoa,
look at all those zeroes.
Whoa!

Maybe, uh,
maybe i should
tell rebecca, huh?

[Chainsaw buzzing]

maybe, some other time.

I have to go powder my nose.

Boy, oh, boy,
am i dreaming or what?

[Chuckling]
somebody pinch me.

[Groaning]

go away! Go away!
Go away!

Carla, carla, carla.

Stop hurting cliff, now.

All right, cliffie,
i'm not gonna let you

take advantage
of that poor girl, ok?

Oh, come on,
stop being such a big baby.

Y-you're just mad
'cause, uh, she likes me
and not you.

Carla, hurt cliff.
No, no! Hey! No, no, no.

I'm having a good time.
That's all, man.

Come on, cliff,
she's a nice girl.
She's got a few problems,

and you're just using
that knowledge to get
an easy roll in the hay.

Well, duh!

Come on, cliff,
you don't really care
about her. Admit it.

Oh, come on, norm,
of course i care
about the girl.

I mean, i'm the one
who said she was prompt.

You're a mailman,
what the hell do you know
about prompt?

All right.
That's it, peterson.

I'm trained in the art
of self-defense.
All postal carriers are.

Oh, i'm really shaking, cliff.
What are you going to do,
speed sort me?

Hey, are you two
fighting over me?

Oh, no. I've broken up
a wonderful friendship

because i was selfishly
thinking of nothing

but my own burning
womanly needs.

I hate myself.

Now this has gone on
long enough.

If i may intercede,
you are mistaken.

2 men were about to have
a fight over you.

Now that should show you
that you're worth having.

You don't have to settle,
you can pick and choose.

You can be selective
you can go out
with whoever you want.

Who are you,
and why are you
so damned handsome?

You're settling again.

Oh. Oh, i guess
you're right.

[Mumbling]

of course, in a case
with someone like me,
i can see how you wouldn't

think it was settling--

oh, no, no, you're right.
I can do better.

Good luck, babe.

I can do better than you.

I can do better than you.

I can do better than you.

No. I could never
do better than you.

[Groaning]

doris!

Doris, what's happened to you?

You--you weren't like this
when you worked for me.

Well, i was different then.

I was somebody.

I was
mr. Peterson's secretary.

I mean, what am i now?

Well, wait a minute.
Now what if you came back
to work for me, huh?

What if i hired you again?

Mr. Peterson
please don't taunt me
this way.

No. I'm serious.

I would hire you,
we miss you at the office.

I mean, business
has fallen off these--

these 7 hours
since you've been gone,
terribly.

Oh, mr. Peterson,
i gladly accept your offer.

Thank you.
Great, great.

[Sighing]

but i--i think,
you should know,

i have a rule about romance
in the workplace.

Yeah, sure.
Anything you say. What?

I don't fish
off the company pier.

That's ok, doris.
This company
doesn't have a pier.

Ah,

i think i handled that one
rather well,
don't you, wood?

Could i have
a, uh, celebratory beer,
please?

Handled it, my foot!
Hey.

You mean to tell me,
you're going to pay
that girl week after week

just to stop following you,
watching your every move,

interrupting
your beer drinking?

Come on, frasier,
this is nothing.
I bought vera a house.