All language subtitles for Cheers - 809 - Two Girls For Every Boyd

(Woody)
cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

[People chattering]

carla, beer, please.

Friends,
circle the day in red.

Today, lilith and i are off
on our first outing,
sans baby.

All right.
Congratulations, frasier.

And well deserved, too.
I feel like a free man.

You know,
you have no idea

how an infant
can dominate your life.

Fortunately, lilith and i
have seen to it

that we can get away
and enjoy ourselves
independently.

Where you goin'?

First we're off
to the crib store
to buy a new liner

and then it's our
lamaze reunion.

W-w-wait,

so who's taking care
of the little papoose?

Oh, we've locked into
the most fabulous au pair.

You know, one of those
foreign exchange students

who in return
for room and board
take care of the child.

Ours happens to be
large, blond and from sweden.

[Exclaiming]

now, uh, lilith doesn't
object to having

a spicy little
swedish meatball
around the house?

She's been so busy
being a mommy,

i don't think
she's even noticed.

Come on, frasier.

We don't want to cut into
torsten's exercise time.

¶ Sometimes you wanna go

¶ where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ and they're always
glad you came ¶

¶ you wanna be
where you can see ¶

¶ our troubles
are all the same ¶

¶ you wanna go
where everybody
knows your name ¶

[people chattering]

good morning.

Sam,
you're 7 minutes late.

Oh, boy,
i wish i was more like you.

I just can't seem to find
the time to sit around,

watching the minutes tick by
while i get older,

realizing that
i've wasted my life.

I meant roughly 7.

So what's your excuse?

Well, i had a date last night
i was 7 minutes late for.

And i just could
never catch up.

And i suppose
you didn't have time
to shave this morning.

Oh, sorry. I forgot.

Sure, you forgot.

It wouldn't happen
that you think
that looks sexy, would it?

No, really.
I just forgot.

Looks sexy, huh?

Sammy, you know what?
You shouldn't be so surprised.

You know, uh,
women really can't resist
a thick crop of jaw hair.

Goes back to, uh,
goes back to androcles.

Now, wait a second,
wasn't, uh, androcles the guy

who pulled the thorn
out of the lion's paw?

That's what he told his wife
when she found the scratches
on his back, eh.

I'm telling you, guys,
babes and beards.

Yeah? If beards are
such a babe magnet,

why don't you have one?

Oh, as a matter of fact,
carla,

in my family's history,
i'm the first clavin
to go without a beard.

You're the first clavin
to go without a tail.

You know, carla,

you know, one day

without giving
the old norelco a face ride,

this chin would
outshine sammy's.

Oh, what are we
talking about here?

A beard growing contest?

You got it.
What do you say, sammy? $20?

What the heck.

I haven't had
a beard for a while
and it's all in good fun.

Really looks sexy, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Yasir arafat
always gets me hot.

Who?

Ok, i'll be the judge.

You have one month
starting today.

Beards will be rated
on length,

body, fullness, luster,

sheen and bounce.

Bounce?
How you gonna judge bounce?

You'll see.

What do you, uh,
say then, norm?

You wanna put
your peach fuzz
on the starting line?

Like i've got nothing
better to do than sit

around a bar all day,
and watch my hair grow.

Yeah, i'm in.
Yeah.

Can you believe
this pathetic display?

It pleases me that
you're secure enough
in your masculinity

to forego
these never ending
rites of passage.

No, no. I mean that this
convention of babies bottoms

think they can grow
better beards than me.

All right, you bald faced
debutantes, i'm in.

Hey, guys, i thought
you were out on a date.

We are, sam.

I'm toppin' off the evening
by bringing kelly, here
to cheers.

Why do that?
You spend all your time here.

Oh, i know, but tonight
i'm here as a customer,

that means i get
to order you around.

2 ginger ales, big guy,

and don't try to slip us
any of that house stuff.

Look at him run.

Wow, woody.
When you were talking
about this in the car,

i never thought
you'd go through with it.

Well, this customer stuff
is gonna be great.

You know,
usually i'm so busy workin',

i miss out on all
the witty conversation
that goes on around here.

Norm, you--you seem
to have a little
cheese doodle dust

on the corner
of your mouth.

No, i didn't have
any cheese doodles.

Yeah, last night you did.
I did?

[Exclaiming]
wow.

Boy, that stuff really keeps,
doesn't it?

I, uh, hate to
tear myself away, woody,

but i better
get my dad's car home.

All right, i'll let you know
if they find any more food
on mr. Peterson's face.

[Phone ringing]

cheers.

Yeah, hold on a second.
Woody, lee bradken.

Aren't you
forgettin' somethin', sam?

I'm the customer.
You bring the phone to me.

In that case,
i'm gonna charge you
$2 for that ginger ale.

Coming.

Hello.

I did?

Oh, thank you, mr. Bradken.

Oh, thanks a lot.
I won't let you down.
Thank you very much.

Hey, everybody.
That was the director
of my community theater.

I finally got a lead
in one of our plays.

[All cheering]

first i get a bike
when i'm 10,

and now this. Boy.

Woody,
what part are you gonna play?

Well, i'm playing george gibbs
from our town,

kind of a naive,
small town guy
who's a little shy

and sort of backward.

Can you believe
they chose me?

Oh, this is really exciting.

The girl who's playing emily
is a terrific actress.
Yeah?

I mean, actually
she's got kind of an advantage
'cause her real name is emily.

Ah.

She don't even have
to learn to answer
to a different name.

All right, i guess you'll be
doing all the real work,
then, eh?

Now, all i can say is
it's about time.

You've lugged coffee around
and sold tickets in that
theater long enough.

Just payin' my dues,
miss howe.

Boy,
this is a big night for me.

Who wants to help me
paint the town?

(Norm)
all right, let's go.

(Cliff)
where are we going?

To the theater.
I'm in charge of the scenery

and i've got to
paint the town.

[Crickets chirping]

charlie,
you think my beard
makes--makes me look older?

Mmm, no.

Really?

Yeah, it's your hairline
that makes you look older.

Well, rebecca,
the contest is almost over.

You only got
about 24 more hours

to keep stealing those
subtle little glances
at me.

What are you talking about?

Oh, come on,
i've seen you
lookin' at me

over your shoulder
like.

A little ashamed but not
bein' able to stop yourself.

Yeah, right.

You look like you live
in the woods and chop trees.

In this fantasy of yours,
is my shirt on or off?

Oh, please.

With little droplets
of sweat running down
my well formed body

like rivers.

Don't make me laugh.

I saw that.

Sam, sam, get this.

Who do you think i look like
with my beard this way?

Oh, well, that's easy.

You look like that little guy
on the cans of deviled ham.

No, no.
Sigmund freud.

The father
of modern psychoanalysis

and one of the greatest
minds of the 20th century.

He gave all that up
to sell deviled ham?

The man had to live.

You know, lately,

when i'm in my office
taking notes

while some patient is
pouring his guts out,

i imagine i'm dr. Freud
and i'm back in vienna,

hobnobbing with the great
minds of the era,

exchanging quips with jung,

developing the original
theories of psychoanalysis.

You know, before i know it,
the hour's up.

I discover i haven't even
listened to a single thing
the patient's been saying.

It makes a nice change.

Evening, everybody.

(All)
norm.

What can i get you, norm?

Got any flea powder?

No. Just kidding.
Actually,

give me a beer.
I think i'll drown
the little suckers.

Your beard's looking good,
man.

It's filling in nicely.

Yeah, i gotta hand it
to you guys, you are good.

Not in the ball park
with nick tortelli,
though.

Eh?
Now that was a hairy man.

Yeah.

You know, the first time
i saw him naked,

i couldn't even tell
he was naked.

But then, who would
have expected it
at bob's big boy?

Oh, hide everybody.
Hide, hide.

It's the wolf man.

Oh, oh.

Oh, no, no.

Sorry, relax.
It's just cliff.

Very funny, norm.
Very funny.

Don't give up
your day job, huh?

Oh, that's right.
You don't have a day job.

[All exclaiming]

all right, come on, cliff,
admit it.

The beard looks
a little pathetic, huh?

Apology accepted, norm.

You know, you guys,
tomorrow is woody's
opening night.

And he is really excited.
So, why don't we chip in--

[screaming]
wolf man.

I love that gag.

Emily, i'm gonna do my best.

I love you, emily.

I need you.

Well, if you love me--

wait, wait. Stop.

Woody, honey,
tomorrow is opening night.

I'm not getting love
from you.

Well, i really do
respect your work, sir.

Not for me. For emily.

When you say
"i love you",

i don't believe you're
really talking to this girl.

Again, please.

I love you, emily.

No, no, no.

Ron, honey,
you wanna help woody
run lines for a minute?

Do i have to?

What kind
of a theater is this, ron?

Community theater.

Come on, woody.

Emily, honey, we--we got
a little problem here.

Is it me? Because
i really felt connected
in that last run through.

Honey, you're the best
actress we have.

No. It's woody.

I--i think i may have
to replace him in the part.

Every time
he has to touch you,

or play anything
resembling a love scene,

he--he just freezes up.

Maybe, i can get him
to loosen up.

Oh, give it a try.

Suppose if you could get him
past that one little block,

then we could
be free to work on
all his other blocks.

I'll try, mr. Bradken.

Uh, woody, honey,
want to come back
center stage?

Emily is gonna work
with you a little longer.

Come on, ron. I need a lift
to my sister's up at the cape.

Do i have to?

Ron.

Community theater.

I don't know
what i'm doin' wrong.

I'm centered.

I'm--i'm breathing
from my diaphragm.

I found my focal point.

I'm not chewing gum.

Why don't we try
improvising a little?

We'll get on our ladders

and we'll just say
whatever we think
our characters are thinking.

And remember,
george and emily
are 2 innocent kids

playing around with love.

They're consumed by
the fire of their passion.

Don't you think?

Ok, i'll start.

It's a beautiful moon,
isn't it, woody?
I mean, george.

It sure is, emily.
I mean, emily.

I hate to waste
a romantic night like this

when we could be

exploring our feelings
for each other.

What are you doin'
improvising on my ladder?

Come on, woody,
don't be shy.

Well, i'm not.
There's just that
perfectly good ladder

over there
that nobody's improvising on.

Woody,
i think we need to feel
the same passion and fire

that george and emily felt.

Now.

Woody,
what are you doing?

Improvising
the farewell scene.

There is no farewell scene.

There is now.

So there i am,
hangin' from a rope,

and she says she wants
to experience love with me.

[All exclaiming]

on a rope?

Ooh, boy,
she must be strong, huh?

She was comin' on to me
really strong.

She said she wanted
to get close to me.

She kept talkin'
about flames and passion.

I mean, this girl wants me
and i don't even know her.

Does that ever
happen to you, sam?

Ah, not this afternoon.

[Exclaiming]
she just got in
under the wire.

What if kelly finds out?
She won't understand.

She's already upset because
i haven't been spendin'
a lot of time with her.

Ah, she's got
to understand.

You're in a play.
You have rehearsals.

Well, i haven't exactly
told kelly i'm in a play.
Why not?

Well, kelly's kind of
an old-fashioned girl.

This play has a lot
of stuff like kissin'
and homework and dying.

Believe me, our town
isn't the kind of play

you want to take
a nice girl to.

Woody, woody,
you got to tell kelly
you're rehearsin' a play.

(Norm)
i'm afraid sammy's right.

[Phone ringing]
you can't go sneakin' out
nights on somebody you love.

Woody, you have to believe
that truth...

norm, it's vera.
I'm not here.

...and honesty
are the cornerstones
of any relationship.

You're right, mr. "P."

Kelly's coming by
later this afternoon.
I'm gonna tell her the truth.

Good man, wood.
You know, after all,

being a proud member
of the theater world
is nothing to be ashamed of.

How would you know?

Oh, well,
back in my university days

i once trod the boards.

Most memorably
as man number 2
in our production of can-can.

I didn't know that,
dr. Crane.

Oh, yes. It's the only time
i seriously considered
giving up psychology

for--for the arts.

But i couldn't
disappoint my father.

No, sir. Not him.

I remember opening night.

I stared breathlessly out
from behind the curtain

to see-- to see if he'd taken
the seat i'd left for him.

But he was too busy
with his experiments
to show up.

Always involved with those
damned experiments.

Dad was a scientist,
huh?

No, he was a white rat.

Of course
he was a scientist, you nit.

You see, my father wanted me
to go into psychology.
He insisted on it.

At the time,
i hated him for it.

And he died
before i had a chance
to realize that he was right

and i never got to tell him.

It's funny, isn't it?

That's a good one
all right, dr. Crane.

Woody.

I meant funny
in a sad, ironic way.

I know. Those kill me.

All right, losers.

Let's count the hair
on our chinny chin chins.

(Carla)
come off it, clavin.

If you expect us
to believe you grew
that phony beard overnight,

you're as stupid
as you look.

No chance of that,
carla.

No, this, uh, righteous
facial moss is pure clavin.

Yeah. Baloney.

[Cliff grunting]

this thing is
really on there.

Hey, hey, all right.
Knock it off.

Come on, guys.
I told you.

I told you, clavin hair
grows in spurts.

It runs in the family.
As a matter of fact,
grandpa clavin,

he used to let us hang
from his beard.

No, wait a second.
Grandpa clavin died
when i was 6.

Who was that guy?

Ok.

It's time to pick
who has the best beard.

Great!

Test number one.

If all the contestants
will please line up,

my lovely assistant
will help me

with the beer
absorption test.

Ah.
Beer absorption test.

Thank you.

(Sam)
hey, whoa.

Vanna.

[Slurping]

norm, no cheating.

Woody.

(Woody)
hi, emily,
what are you doin' here?

Try the cheeks now, boys.
Really roll ' em around
in there.

Come on, come on,
soak up every drop.

You know, this counts
as one-fifth of your score.

No eyebrows.

(Emily)
are you ok?

Sure. Fine.

I just wanted to make sure
i didn't scare you last night.

I wasn't coming on to you
or anything.

I was just trying
to motivate you, to stir
something inside of you.

I never wanted anything
to actually happen between us.

Well, i've heard of that.

Yeah,
it's called method acting.

Where i come from,
they call it
a certain kind of teasing.

Where can we
go to rehearse?

What about the pool room?
Oh, ok.

Do you know,
we only have 4 hours

to make an audience believe
that we are a young couple

growing up, falling in love,
getting married and dying?

Well, they'd have to be
pretty stupid to buy that.

No.
That didn't stick.

Just what are you
trying to accomplish
with this test anyway?

Nothin'. I'm trying
to put out your eye.

I love you, emily.
I need you.

It should be more like this.

Woody.

I can't believe it.

Wait, kelly,
it's not what it looks like.

Don't make excuses,
woody.

Now i see what's going on.

You're busy every night
and you won't tell me why.

I walk in here
and find the two of you

kissing in the back room
of a bar.

It all adds up.

You're in a play
and you didn't even tell me.

Wait, maybe i was
just cheating on you.

4,061.

4,062.

Wait,
this is a misunderstanding.

(Emily)
yeah, listen to him.

(Kelly)
you stay out of this.

Huh, woody's babes
comin' to blows.

Cat fight.
Cat fight.

(All)
cat fight.

You get out of my way
right now,

or so help me,
i'll--i'll hurt your feelings.

You do and i'll hurt
yours right back.

Kitten fight.

Kitten fight.
Kitten fight.

Look,
i'm really sorry.

I-- when i get miffed,
the adrenaline
just goes crazy.

Kelly, i didn't tell you
about the play

because i thought
you might be uncomfortable

seeing me kiss and hug
another woman.

Oh, come on, woody.
I've seen plays before.

I can't believe
you didn't trust me
enough to understand.

I didn't want to take
the chance of somethin'
comin' in between us.

You're my girlfriend.

I love you, kelly.

Why can't you say it
to me like that?

Well, i don't love you.
I love kelly.

Can't you pretend i'm kelly?

Would that be ok,
kelly?

Well, all right,
but just for the play.

I'm sorry.

I--i just can't look you
in the eyes when i say that.

[Sighing]
well, why don't you try
starting on something else?

Just say it to the air.

I love you, air.

Great.

All right,
now say it to this guy.

I love you, tecumseh.

Hey, i'm starting
to get the hang of this.

I love you, miss howe.

Thank you, woody.

I love you, mr. Clavin.

Well, woody, it takes
quite a man to admit that.

I was just actin'.

Oh, yeah. So was i.

I'm starting to get this.

Now say it to me.

I love you, emily.

Oh, woody,

mr. Bradken said
that if you didn't
get over this,

he's gonna replace you
in the part.

I love you, emily.

So that's the secret
to acting. Fear.

So what other bad things
did he say about me?

[Chiming]

hear ye, hear ye.

Here are the results
you've all been waiting for.

And the winner is...

[snickering]
cliff clavin.

Oh, man.

Hey, hey,
all right.

Well,
we know it's not fixed.

But you should be.

Well, don't look at me,
you guys,

he passed all the tests.

Yep, i'm gonna go
call my barber.

Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

Tell him i won the contest

in spite of that inch
he trimmed off my beard.

Well, i suppose it's time
we shave.

Yeah.

To tell you the truth
i'm going to kind
of miss the old beard.

Yeah. I rather
enjoyed looking like

a macho, grizzly,
gnarly kind of guy

that my wife wouldn't
come near with
a 10 foot pole.

I, uh, i'd like
to talk to somebody

about one of your
industrial adhesive products.

So,
what do you think?

Should i keep it
or lose it?

I know
how sexy you think it is.

Well, you know, sam,
to tell you the truth,

i think, the sexiest part
about a beard is when
a man shaves it.

Oh, yeah?
Mmm-hmm.

You know, i've always
had this little fantasy

about sitting
in a guy's lap,

and lathering him up
real good,

and taking it off,
taking it all off.

Well, what's the point
of having a fantasy
unless you make it real?

I agree. I'm gonna do it.

Oh, yeah?

Norm, can you come
in my office, please?

(Cliff)
i see.

I see.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Yeah, well,

just for the sake
of argument,

suppose it did come
in contact with human skin?

Now, can they do that
on an outpatient basis?