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1
00:00:03,753 --> 00:00:07,632
[ Mellow music plays ]
2
00:00:07,716 --> 00:00:10,844
[ Door opens ]
3
00:00:10,927 --> 00:00:13,763
[ Grunting ]
4
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:16,307
Back off, asshole.
They're mine.
5
00:00:16,391 --> 00:00:18,101
Oh, gosh. Sorry, Deb.
6
00:00:18,184 --> 00:00:19,269
I'm such a klutz.
7
00:00:19,352 --> 00:00:21,229
Why, if it isn't
Mel Dennison.
8
00:00:21,312 --> 00:00:23,732
Never expect to see you
in frozen foods.
9
00:00:23,815 --> 00:00:25,942
I've been hearing about
these frozen
10
00:00:26,025 --> 00:00:29,404
low-carb cauliflower
hash browns that are to die for.
11
00:00:29,487 --> 00:00:31,990
I know, I know --
preservatives, Mel.
12
00:00:32,073 --> 00:00:34,784
But if the kids like them, maybe
I'll make them from scratch.
13
00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:37,328
Oh, no, Deb.
Chicken nuggets again?.
14
00:00:37,412 --> 00:00:40,165
Sweetie, I told you those things
are super-unhealthy.
15
00:00:40,248 --> 00:00:42,167
Ugh. This is
why I'm so grateful
16
00:00:42,250 --> 00:00:45,003
that Ron can handle so much
of our company workload
17
00:00:45,086 --> 00:00:48,381
while I tend to our beautiful
babies and their diets.
18
00:00:48,465 --> 00:00:49,924
I don't have to slave away
at the office
19
00:00:50,008 --> 00:00:51,509
every day like you do.
[ Laughs ]
20
00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:53,595
I'm messing with you, Deb.
21
00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:54,763
Relax.
22
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:56,806
Anyway, toodle-oo.
23
00:01:00,518 --> 00:01:03,271
[ Dramatic music plays ]
24
00:01:03,354 --> 00:01:06,065
♪♪
25
00:01:06,149 --> 00:01:07,609
Ugh.
26
00:01:07,692 --> 00:01:09,652
[ Grunting ]
27
00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,029
Ma'am, can I ask
what you're doing?
28
00:01:11,112 --> 00:01:12,614
I'm fixing your display.
29
00:01:12,697 --> 00:01:15,241
The entire shelf is nothing
but Dennison products.
30
00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:18,036
You think people want
less variety in their groceries?
31
00:01:18,119 --> 00:01:19,287
This isn't South Korea.
32
00:01:19,370 --> 00:01:20,789
Don't touch me!
33
00:01:20,872 --> 00:01:21,998
Take note, sheeple.
34
00:01:22,081 --> 00:01:24,459
This is what happens
when you try to stand up
35
00:01:24,542 --> 00:01:26,294
against big snack foods.
36
00:01:26,377 --> 00:01:28,046
Buy Royal Crackers!
37
00:01:28,129 --> 00:01:29,547
Royal Crackers!
38
00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:30,507
Ow!
39
00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:38,473
♪♪
40
00:01:38,556 --> 00:01:46,439
♪♪
41
00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:54,489
♪♪
42
00:01:54,572 --> 00:01:56,241
[ Doorbell rings ]
Matt, honey?!
43
00:01:56,324 --> 00:01:57,992
Will you get that?!
44
00:01:58,076 --> 00:01:59,410
Ow!
45
00:02:00,912 --> 00:02:03,164
[ Doorbell rings ]
[ Sighs ]
46
00:02:03,248 --> 00:02:04,457
[ Groans ]
[ Telephone rings ]
47
00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:06,167
Matt, I'm coming up there
after I'm done
48
00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:09,337
and I'm gonna shove that video
game right up your butthole!
49
00:02:09,420 --> 00:02:10,839
Hornsby residence.
50
00:02:10,922 --> 00:02:12,966
Man: I've been eating Dennison
Crackers my whole life.
51
00:02:13,049 --> 00:02:17,804
Threaten them again,
and there will be hell to pay!
52
00:02:17,887 --> 00:02:19,305
Bitch.
[ Line clicks ]
53
00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:20,640
[ Doorbell rings ]
54
00:02:20,723 --> 00:02:22,350
What?!
Hello. [ Chuckles nervously ]
55
00:02:22,433 --> 00:02:25,687
Uh, someone left this
on your doorstep.
56
00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:27,564
Aah! Uhh!
57
00:02:27,647 --> 00:02:29,315
You must be Deb Hornsby.
58
00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:30,817
I'm Beverly Donovan.
59
00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:33,736
Editor for Bakersfield
Business Mom Magazine.
60
00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:36,406
I own every issue of that!
Oh.
61
00:02:36,489 --> 00:02:37,782
Don't know if you've heard,
62
00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:39,868
but the video of you
being arrested at Gelman's
63
00:02:39,951 --> 00:02:41,870
has really been
making the rounds.
64
00:02:41,953 --> 00:02:44,038
Look, Bev, I'm not at liberty
to talk about it.
65
00:02:44,122 --> 00:02:46,416
My lawyer and I are
balls deep in a lawsuit
66
00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:48,877
over some serious
emotional trauma.
67
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:50,378
Had no idea I was
being apprehended
68
00:02:50,461 --> 00:02:52,797
by Officers Snowflake
and Baby-Ears that day.
69
00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:54,007
Deb, I will admit --
70
00:02:54,090 --> 00:02:56,259
Initially, I didn't
like the video.
71
00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:59,679
But once I did my own research
and discovered
72
00:02:59,762 --> 00:03:01,723
that you're a tough-as-nails
businesswoman
73
00:03:01,806 --> 00:03:03,308
on the board
of Royal Crackers,
74
00:03:03,391 --> 00:03:05,101
arrested for protecting
her company,
75
00:03:05,184 --> 00:03:06,978
exposing
a snack food monopoly,
76
00:03:07,061 --> 00:03:09,898
all while grocery shopping
for her family?
77
00:03:09,981 --> 00:03:12,483
I realized that you're
a perfect candidate
78
00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:15,403
for our Business Mom
of the Year Award.
79
00:03:15,486 --> 00:03:18,573
For real? But...
Mel Dennison always wins that.
80
00:03:18,656 --> 00:03:21,242
Oh, big whoop.
I want to be your champion, Deb,
81
00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:25,246
and turn this into
a true redemption story.
82
00:03:26,497 --> 00:03:27,624
Matt, sweetheart!
83
00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:29,834
Your food
is getting cold!
84
00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:32,420
Sorry. It's pizza delivery
tonight, Bev.
85
00:03:32,503 --> 00:03:34,714
I spent all day at the office.
Didn't have a second
86
00:03:34,797 --> 00:03:38,301
to whip up some of my famous
cauliflower hash browns.
87
00:03:38,384 --> 00:03:41,679
I'm just happy to get an inside
look at the Hornsby home.
88
00:03:41,763 --> 00:03:43,514
Hey, Bev, you should do
a cover story on me.
89
00:03:43,598 --> 00:03:45,266
Give those uptight ladies
some eye candy
90
00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:46,476
to soak their pantsuits.
91
00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:47,810
Hey, that's a great idea,
Beverly.
92
00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:48,937
Why don't you do that?
93
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:50,855
Well, our magazine
celebrates
94
00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:52,774
self-empowered women
with prominent careers
95
00:03:52,857 --> 00:03:56,027
and beautiful home lives
with happy, healthy children.
96
00:03:56,110 --> 00:03:57,195
Uh!
97
00:03:57,278 --> 00:03:58,279
Sorry I'm late.
98
00:03:58,363 --> 00:04:00,782
[ Grunting ]
99
00:04:00,865 --> 00:04:03,451
Uh, Matt,
say hi to our guest.
100
00:04:03,534 --> 00:04:07,246
She might be writing
a magazine story about me.
101
00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:09,624
[ Grunting ]
102
00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:17,966
[ Chuckles ]
103
00:04:18,049 --> 00:04:20,510
[ Grunting ]
104
00:04:20,593 --> 00:04:25,431
♪♪
105
00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:27,392
[ Grunting continues ]
106
00:04:27,475 --> 00:04:33,398
♪♪
107
00:04:33,481 --> 00:04:34,816
[ Sighs ]
108
00:04:34,899 --> 00:04:36,150
Ughh...
109
00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:37,568
Ugh!
110
00:04:37,652 --> 00:04:39,529
I don't feel so good.
111
00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:41,447
Can I be excused?
112
00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:43,866
[ Groaning ]
113
00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:47,495
Okay.
[ Glass shattering ]
114
00:04:48,246 --> 00:04:50,039
And, of course,
the biggest threat
115
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,291
that could single-handedly
wipe Royal Crackers
116
00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:54,085
off the face of the earth?
The texture?
117
00:04:54,168 --> 00:04:55,503
-The taste?
-The eradication of our
118
00:04:55,586 --> 00:04:57,338
elderly customer base
by common ailments?
119
00:04:57,422 --> 00:04:59,007
No, this isn't a test.
120
00:04:59,090 --> 00:05:00,675
Dennison Snacks.
121
00:05:00,758 --> 00:05:03,344
Oh, Deb, I don't think we wanna
escalate this Dennison feud.
122
00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:04,595
I mean, it could give Ron
123
00:05:04,679 --> 00:05:06,055
a reason to not invite me
to Guys Night.
124
00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:07,890
He already doesn't invite you
to Guys Night.
125
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:09,350
But he's warming up
to it.
126
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:12,103
I can feel it every time
he calls me for Wi-Fi advice.
127
00:05:12,186 --> 00:05:14,272
Deb, I'm sorry that
America thinks
128
00:05:14,355 --> 00:05:16,357
you're an insufferable
battle-ax right now.
129
00:05:16,441 --> 00:05:19,527
But do not bring your little
"revenge tour" fantasies in here
130
00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:22,822
just 'cause you've charmed
some Cosmo magazine reject.
131
00:05:22,905 --> 00:05:24,699
No offense, Beverly.
132
00:05:24,782 --> 00:05:27,785
Hey, Bev.
Reconsidering my pitch yet?
133
00:05:27,869 --> 00:05:29,370
[ Ringtone plays ]
Oh, thank God.
134
00:05:29,454 --> 00:05:30,872
Excuse me, Deb.
Hello?
135
00:05:30,955 --> 00:05:33,374
A spread on ambrosia salad?
I'm there.
136
00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:36,461
Oh, my God, are you shitheads
trying to blow this for me?
137
00:05:36,544 --> 00:05:37,712
Between everyone here
138
00:05:37,795 --> 00:05:39,881
and my absent,
emotionally distant son,
139
00:05:39,964 --> 00:05:41,299
I'm never getting the cover
140
00:05:41,382 --> 00:05:42,967
of Bakersfield
Business Mom Magazine.
141
00:05:43,051 --> 00:05:45,178
Matt?
Emotionally distant?
142
00:05:45,261 --> 00:05:46,554
Ha! C'mon, Deb.
143
00:05:46,637 --> 00:05:49,057
He's scarfing down dinner,
avoiding conversation,
144
00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:51,642
coming out of his room
all wide-eyed to compensate.
145
00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:53,311
The kid's on drugs.
146
00:05:53,394 --> 00:05:54,729
What?!
Oh, heavens.
147
00:05:54,812 --> 00:05:56,397
Deb,
let me talk to the boy.
148
00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:58,983
It's best he gets his miracle
tonics from somewhere safe.
149
00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:02,070
I know an apothecary who travels
with a very credible caravan
150
00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:03,863
all the way
from the mysterious east.
151
00:06:03,946 --> 00:06:05,656
What's he need?
A custom concoction
152
00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:07,909
or just a run-of-the-mill flask
of heroin water?
153
00:06:07,992 --> 00:06:11,079
To hell with all that.
I could use the money.
154
00:06:11,162 --> 00:06:12,747
There's more where
that came from.
155
00:06:12,830 --> 00:06:14,415
Oh, my God,
if Matt's on drugs,
156
00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:17,460
this could seriously
damage my chance --
157
00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:20,588
[ Knock on door ]
158
00:06:20,671 --> 00:06:21,798
Matt?
159
00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:24,008
I bought you
a new video game.
160
00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:27,720
I thought we could
play it together.
161
00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:30,973
Theo: [ Echoing ]
The kid's on drugs.
162
00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:32,350
Man: ♪ Hey ♪
163
00:06:32,433 --> 00:06:35,103
The kid's on drugs.
♪ Hey ♪
164
00:06:35,186 --> 00:06:38,731
The kid's on drugs.
♪ Hey ♪
165
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,149
♪ Drugs ♪
166
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:41,859
[ Sighs ]
167
00:06:44,153 --> 00:06:51,077
♪♪
168
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:52,787
Matt?
169
00:06:52,870 --> 00:06:57,250
♪♪
170
00:06:57,333 --> 00:06:58,960
Matt?
171
00:06:59,043 --> 00:07:03,673
As Michelle Tanner would say,
you're in big trouble, mister.
172
00:07:03,756 --> 00:07:06,634
[ Laughter ]
173
00:07:06,717 --> 00:07:08,636
Matt?
174
00:07:08,719 --> 00:07:10,429
Hello?
175
00:07:10,513 --> 00:07:11,722
[ Laughter continues ]
176
00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:13,641
Who's there?
177
00:07:13,724 --> 00:07:19,689
♪♪
178
00:07:19,772 --> 00:07:21,774
[ Laughter continues ]
179
00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:24,986
♪♪
180
00:07:25,069 --> 00:07:26,654
[ Laughter continues ]
181
00:07:28,489 --> 00:07:30,658
[ Laughter continues ]
182
00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:36,998
[ Laughter continues ]
183
00:07:37,081 --> 00:07:39,000
Uh, uh, crying.
Tears.
184
00:07:39,083 --> 00:07:40,001
Injury.
185
00:07:40,084 --> 00:07:41,169
-Cut hand?
-Chopping?
186
00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:42,920
Oh, chopping onions.
You got it!
187
00:07:43,004 --> 00:07:44,297
[ Laughter ]
188
00:07:44,380 --> 00:07:45,756
Well, I guess
that's another point
189
00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:47,049
for the guys' team,
ladies.
190
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:49,677
Okay, yeah, yeah.
This is so unfair.
191
00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:51,470
You have an extra player
on your team.
192
00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:53,472
Hey, now. If you didn't
want Gus around,
193
00:07:53,556 --> 00:07:54,724
then maybe
you shouldn't have opened
194
00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:56,142
that fancy bottle
of champagne
195
00:07:56,225 --> 00:07:59,937
when we were in the Le Hotel
Du Chateau Lovers Suite.
196
00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:01,397
Oh, my God!
197
00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:02,815
Gross, Dad.
198
00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:04,400
Hey. Gus, buddy?
199
00:08:04,483 --> 00:08:06,277
That was
just a good ol' J.K.
200
00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,988
Your mom and I thank God
every single day
201
00:08:09,071 --> 00:08:11,449
that we have
a great kid like you.
202
00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:13,409
You're our little miracle.
203
00:08:13,492 --> 00:08:14,785
You all are.
204
00:08:14,869 --> 00:08:17,079
Understand?
Oh, God.
205
00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:19,040
Sometimes in this family,
we tease,
206
00:08:19,123 --> 00:08:21,167
and it might feel
hurtful, sweetheart.
207
00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:24,378
But understand that there's
no truth to these jokes.
208
00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:25,922
You get all that,
little man?
209
00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:27,048
Yes, Papi.
210
00:08:27,131 --> 00:08:28,549
Papi?!
Ron: Alright.
211
00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:29,717
Hey, Guy Team.
212
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:31,677
Let's bring it in
for a victory hug.
213
00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:32,887
[ Chuckles ]
214
00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:36,390
And I guess the ladies
can join in, too.
215
00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:37,892
Come here, you.
216
00:08:37,975 --> 00:08:39,060
[ Chuckles ]
217
00:08:39,143 --> 00:08:40,519
[ Sighs ]
218
00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:44,232
Counselor: Thank you for coming
in, Mr. and Mrs. Hornsby.
219
00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:45,983
We need
to talk about Matt.
220
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:48,236
Listen, I know why we're here,
and all I ask
221
00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:49,779
is that you don't tell
Beverly Donovan
222
00:08:49,862 --> 00:08:51,239
about any of this.
223
00:08:51,322 --> 00:08:53,741
Why wouldn't you want her
to know that he's doing great?
224
00:08:53,824 --> 00:08:55,117
Doing great at what?
Failing?
225
00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:57,912
No, he's gone from barely
passing to straight A's.
226
00:08:57,995 --> 00:08:59,789
Ah.
I see what's happening here.
227
00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:01,165
There's two Matts
at this school.
228
00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:03,251
I'm serious. Apparently
he's engaged in class,
229
00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:04,919
and his test scores
are skyrocketing.
230
00:09:05,002 --> 00:09:07,630
Whatever's going on at home
right now, keep it up.
231
00:09:07,713 --> 00:09:09,090
You two
deserve real praise.
232
00:09:09,173 --> 00:09:10,716
We deserve real praise
for driving
233
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:13,427
all the way out here
in the middle of a Wednesday!
234
00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:15,972
Ever heard of e-mail,
you son of a bitch?
235
00:09:16,055 --> 00:09:17,139
C'mon, Stebe.
236
00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:18,474
[ Door slams ]
237
00:09:19,725 --> 00:09:22,812
Ah, well, it's official --
Matt's on drugs.
238
00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:24,438
There's literally
no other explanation.
239
00:09:24,522 --> 00:09:25,564
I wish it was drugs.
240
00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:27,066
Maybe
that would make him funnier.
241
00:09:27,149 --> 00:09:29,110
Matt has a secret, Stebe.
242
00:09:29,193 --> 00:09:32,822
And I'm so ashamed that
I can't even say it out loud.
243
00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:34,198
It's the Dennisons.
244
00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:35,950
I swear to God, if you tell me
he got into Guys Night
245
00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:37,451
before I did,
I'm gonna go buck.
246
00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:39,453
What? No.
Last week, I was on the phone
247
00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:41,122
helping Ron troubleshoot
his router,
248
00:09:41,205 --> 00:09:43,207
and I swear to God he was
this close to inviting me.
249
00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:45,084
Deb, if Matt can get me
in over there,
250
00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:47,420
do not hold out on me.
I need this.
251
00:09:47,503 --> 00:09:48,963
Hey! Hey, you!
252
00:09:49,046 --> 00:09:52,216
You're the mouthy lady
from the Gelman's video, huh?
253
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:53,592
Royal Crackers suck!
254
00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:55,136
Ha ha ha!
[ Horn honks ]
255
00:09:55,219 --> 00:09:56,721
Oh, God!
256
00:10:03,602 --> 00:10:05,479
♪♪
257
00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:07,648
Mom?
258
00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:10,735
Mom, are you okay?
259
00:10:10,818 --> 00:10:12,486
Mom?
260
00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:14,071
Mom.
261
00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:15,281
Mom.
262
00:10:15,364 --> 00:10:17,616
Mom! Mom!
Aah!
263
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,035
Jesus Christ, Matt.
264
00:10:19,118 --> 00:10:21,954
This would be, like, the worst
"Rescue 911" episode ever.
265
00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:23,289
What are you doing
under there?
266
00:10:23,372 --> 00:10:25,249
Oh, just wanted to see
if anyone in this family
267
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:27,168
still gave
a flyin' fleshlight about me.
268
00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:28,794
I give
a flying fleshlight.
269
00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:31,172
Do you? Then what's with
the freaking hole in your wall
270
00:10:31,255 --> 00:10:33,132
that leads
to the Dennison house, huh?
271
00:10:33,215 --> 00:10:35,176
Oh.
You know about that?
272
00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:36,844
What do they have
that we don't, Matt?
273
00:10:36,927 --> 00:10:38,387
Tell me.
I don't know.
274
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,014
The food
tastes terrible there,
275
00:10:40,097 --> 00:10:42,600
and they only allow an hour
of screen time a night.
276
00:10:42,683 --> 00:10:44,060
But they're just happy.
277
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:46,270
And I just wanted to get away
from all the people
278
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:49,106
making fun of us
over your Gelman's video.
279
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:50,691
It was embarrassing.
280
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:51,942
Was it, Matt?
281
00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:53,861
Was it embarrassing to see
your working mother
282
00:10:53,944 --> 00:10:56,322
protect her business
and provide for her family?
283
00:10:56,405 --> 00:10:57,990
Was that embarrassing
for you?
284
00:10:58,074 --> 00:10:59,450
You can go to your room!
285
00:10:59,533 --> 00:11:02,620
And I don't mean the Dennison
one with all that cool shit!
286
00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:05,289
[ Mellow music plays ]
287
00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:07,124
Uh!
Jesus Christ!
288
00:11:07,208 --> 00:11:09,126
Oh, my gosh, Mel.
Are you okay?
289
00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:11,629
They gotta tighten the wheels
on these damn things.
290
00:11:11,712 --> 00:11:12,713
Ha ha ha.
291
00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:13,964
Oh, Deb. Hi.
292
00:11:14,048 --> 00:11:15,716
I-I thought you were banned
from Gelman's.
293
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,593
I'm on probation.
Lucky for you.
294
00:11:17,676 --> 00:11:19,428
'Cause, otherwise,
I'd fill some plastic bags
295
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:20,721
with cauliflower hash browns
296
00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:23,057
and go "Full Metal Jacket"
on your bony tits.
297
00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:24,683
I'm sorry.
Is something wrong?
298
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:26,310
You stay away from my son.
299
00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:28,312
I see your every move,
lady.
300
00:11:28,396 --> 00:11:30,648
Undermining my value as a mother
so you can get
301
00:11:30,731 --> 00:11:32,358
Business Mom of the Year
Award.
302
00:11:32,441 --> 00:11:34,568
Deb, I can't help
that Matt happened
303
00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:37,905
to find a secret tunnel system
that leads to our house.
304
00:11:37,988 --> 00:11:39,323
What do you want me to do?
305
00:11:39,407 --> 00:11:40,449
Turn him away?
306
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:41,909
It would break
his little heart.
307
00:11:41,992 --> 00:11:44,912
Oh, that reminds me.
I forgot to give you the invite.
308
00:11:44,995 --> 00:11:46,455
Toodle-oo.
309
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:50,042
Matt Dennison's
official adoption ceremony?
310
00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:53,295
♪♪
311
00:11:56,424 --> 00:12:00,261
[ Classical music plays ]
312
00:12:00,344 --> 00:12:01,846
Oh, God,
are you kidding me?!
313
00:12:01,929 --> 00:12:03,597
Mel invited Beverly?
314
00:12:03,681 --> 00:12:04,932
Oh, God, I'm finished.
315
00:12:05,015 --> 00:12:06,642
C'mon, Deb.
You're still in the running
316
00:12:06,725 --> 00:12:07,935
for Business Mom
of the Year.
317
00:12:08,018 --> 00:12:10,020
It's like Matt's
just going away to camp.
318
00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:11,439
Dennison camp.
Heh.
319
00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:13,315
Sounds kinda cool to me.
Ugh!
320
00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:14,984
Hey! There they are.
321
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:17,111
Deb!
You look beautiful.
322
00:12:17,194 --> 00:12:19,029
I love that gown.
323
00:12:19,113 --> 00:12:21,115
Oh, boy.
Fashion talk.
324
00:12:21,198 --> 00:12:23,784
I think this is our cue to duck
on out of here, huh, Stebe?
325
00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:25,661
What are you talking about?
I love fashion talk.
326
00:12:25,744 --> 00:12:27,079
It's one
of my favorite topics.
327
00:12:27,163 --> 00:12:28,873
Hey, I was wondering --
Hey, have you and I
328
00:12:28,956 --> 00:12:30,583
ever discussed
Guy's Night?
329
00:12:30,666 --> 00:12:32,001
No.
330
00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:33,711
Okay,
you're coming with me.
331
00:12:33,794 --> 00:12:36,755
That's an order, soldier.
-[ Laughs ] The army.
332
00:12:36,839 --> 00:12:38,299
Well. G.G., Mel.
333
00:12:38,382 --> 00:12:41,385
You stole my only son and made
my worst nightmare a reality --
334
00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:43,554
Bye-bye, locally published
magazine cover.
335
00:12:43,637 --> 00:12:45,055
Honey, it's not personal.
336
00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:47,308
Getting the cover of
Bakersfield Business Mom
337
00:12:47,391 --> 00:12:49,268
is essential
to the Dennison brand.
338
00:12:49,351 --> 00:12:52,605
And Matt is completely capable
of making his own decisions.
339
00:12:52,688 --> 00:12:55,608
But he's not, though.
He's literally a kid.
340
00:12:55,691 --> 00:12:57,693
Deb, if someone puts
on a ceremony
341
00:12:57,776 --> 00:12:59,028
with the expressed purpose
342
00:12:59,111 --> 00:13:01,238
of declaring someone's child
as their own,
343
00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:02,740
that child becomes theirs.
344
00:13:02,823 --> 00:13:04,575
That's the law.
Everyone knows that.
345
00:13:04,658 --> 00:13:05,993
That is the law.
346
00:13:06,076 --> 00:13:07,661
And then there's this remote
for the speaker
347
00:13:07,745 --> 00:13:09,163
and this remote for the TV
348
00:13:09,246 --> 00:13:10,498
and this and that
and this and that,
349
00:13:10,581 --> 00:13:11,999
and on and on
and on and on.
350
00:13:12,082 --> 00:13:13,751
So I bought this master remote
and got it working
351
00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:16,337
with everything
except the damn satellite.
352
00:13:16,420 --> 00:13:18,005
The most important
part of Guys Night.
353
00:13:18,088 --> 00:13:20,007
It also came with
this instruction manual,
354
00:13:20,090 --> 00:13:21,842
but the damn thing's
so long.
355
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,303
I mean, come on.
Who's got time to read that?
356
00:13:24,386 --> 00:13:25,763
Yeah, I hear ya.
357
00:13:25,846 --> 00:13:28,724
So I was, you know, hoping
you could take a look at it.
358
00:13:28,807 --> 00:13:30,017
Now.
359
00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:33,437
I mean, you're about
to adopt my child. Outside.
360
00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:36,357
I know, I know,
but that big brain of yours? Ha!
361
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,484
I'm sure you'll figure it out
in no time.
362
00:13:38,567 --> 00:13:39,777
Uhh!
Got your dick.
363
00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:42,488
Wow, small balls.
-Hey, Ron?
364
00:13:42,571 --> 00:13:44,031
Do you think --
Do you think maybe --
365
00:13:44,114 --> 00:13:45,908
I don't know --
I could come to Guys Night?
366
00:13:45,991 --> 00:13:47,243
Well...
367
00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:49,495
can't have Guys Night
till the satellite's fixed,
368
00:13:49,578 --> 00:13:51,872
Stebe, so...
369
00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:53,624
get to work.
370
00:13:56,001 --> 00:13:57,044
Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
371
00:13:57,127 --> 00:13:58,712
Oh. Hey.
Hey.
372
00:13:58,796 --> 00:14:00,506
You -- You look nice.
373
00:14:00,589 --> 00:14:02,550
Thanks.
Uh...you -- you too.
374
00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:03,884
You wear polo shirts now?
375
00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:05,219
Yeah. Yeah.
376
00:14:05,302 --> 00:14:07,054
Well, you seem happy.
377
00:14:07,137 --> 00:14:08,597
I'm doing okay.
378
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:10,891
You remember how I used to
have stomach pains every day?
379
00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:12,142
I don't.
Oh.
380
00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:14,103
Well, they went away.
381
00:14:14,186 --> 00:14:16,272
I think 'cause of the new diet
Mel's got me on.
382
00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:18,399
Wow.
That's really great.
383
00:14:18,482 --> 00:14:21,569
Matt! How many dumplings
have you had tonight?
384
00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:23,779
There's a salad bar
right over there.
385
00:14:23,862 --> 00:14:25,364
And no dressing
or cheese.
386
00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:27,074
Aw.
387
00:14:27,157 --> 00:14:28,450
[ Groans ]
388
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:31,745
Alright, everybody. We're
gonna get things under way here.
389
00:14:31,829 --> 00:14:33,789
We are thrilled to introduce
390
00:14:33,872 --> 00:14:36,917
the Bakersfield President
of Adoption!
391
00:14:37,001 --> 00:14:39,211
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Panting ]
392
00:14:41,297 --> 00:14:42,298
Ooh!
393
00:14:42,381 --> 00:14:45,092
Hello, friends and family.
394
00:14:45,175 --> 00:14:48,804
We're here today to turn
this flabby young lady
395
00:14:48,887 --> 00:14:51,265
into a hearty
Dennison man.
396
00:14:51,348 --> 00:14:55,603
[ Coughs ] If anyone here
objects, please speak now.
397
00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:58,105
And, Deb,
before you say anything,
398
00:14:58,188 --> 00:15:01,775
remember the last time
you protested the Dennisons.
399
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:02,943
[ Laughter ]
400
00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,696
Hey, keep your mouth shut.
[ Laughs ]
401
00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:10,492
Miss? Please stand on
the Pedestal of Family.
402
00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:12,119
Ron and Mel Dennison,
403
00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:16,957
you may now recite the sacred
oath of adoption. [ Coughs ]
404
00:15:17,041 --> 00:15:18,167
Both: Adoption. Adoption.
405
00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:20,544
Shmiggle-shmaggle,
yay, adoption!
406
00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:24,632
Now we consecrate this ceremony
with the final ritual.
407
00:15:24,715 --> 00:15:29,595
Mary Hornsby, are you ready
to be "Double Dare" slimed?
408
00:15:29,678 --> 00:15:31,555
What?
409
00:15:31,639 --> 00:15:34,141
And she is a Dennison!
410
00:15:34,224 --> 00:15:36,310
[ Cheers and applause ]
411
00:15:36,393 --> 00:15:38,437
Man: Yeah, right on!
Whoo!
412
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,022
Okay. Just...
413
00:15:40,105 --> 00:15:41,857
So, power.
414
00:15:41,940 --> 00:15:43,067
Satellite.
415
00:15:43,150 --> 00:15:44,902
How to satellite.
416
00:15:44,985 --> 00:15:47,780
Alright, everybody.
417
00:15:47,863 --> 00:15:50,991
It's time for
the mother-son dance.
418
00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:52,785
Mary and Mel Dennison,
419
00:15:52,868 --> 00:15:56,538
get those tight little buns
on that dance floor.
420
00:15:56,622 --> 00:15:59,667
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
421
00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:00,834
-Aww.
-Aww.
422
00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:02,169
Aww, look at them.
423
00:16:02,252 --> 00:16:03,671
[ Laughs ]
424
00:16:03,754 --> 00:16:07,007
♪♪
425
00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:09,385
[ Crying ]
426
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:12,304
Great.
Great job, Deb.
427
00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:13,889
I was a dick hair away
from fixing
428
00:16:13,972 --> 00:16:15,683
Ron's satellite problem
and finally getting invited
429
00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:17,184
to the hottest ticket
in the neighborhood.
430
00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:18,560
But you just had
to get out of there.
431
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:19,853
I thought you loved me.
432
00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:22,690
What is this obsession
with Guys Night? [ Sighs ]
433
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:24,983
Am I really that hard
to be around?
434
00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:27,736
My own son doesn't even want
anything to do with me.
435
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:29,863
Deb, no offense, but if
you're gonna let Matt
436
00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:31,198
dictate how you feel
about yourself,
437
00:16:31,281 --> 00:16:32,866
then as Michelle Tanner
would say...
438
00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:34,702
[As Michelle] "You're in
big trouble, mister."
439
00:16:34,785 --> 00:16:36,870
[ Crying ] Oh, God!
440
00:16:38,622 --> 00:16:41,333
[ Stomach rumbling ]
441
00:16:47,881 --> 00:16:49,633
Ron:
Uh-uh-uh, fellow Dennison.
442
00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:52,469
Your hour of screen time
has been depleted.
443
00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:53,554
Toodle-oo.
444
00:16:53,637 --> 00:16:55,347
Uh-uh-uh, fellow Denni--
445
00:16:57,641 --> 00:16:58,726
[ Stomach rumbling ]
446
00:16:58,809 --> 00:17:00,561
[ Groans ]
447
00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:04,606
Huh?
448
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:06,024
Where'd this come from?
449
00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:07,943
Mel:
Uh-uh-uh, fellow Dennison.
450
00:17:08,026 --> 00:17:09,403
Please swipe your key card
451
00:17:09,486 --> 00:17:12,322
to pass through
the impenetrable security door.
452
00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:13,282
Toodle-oo.
453
00:17:13,365 --> 00:17:14,992
Going somewhere, Matt?
454
00:17:15,075 --> 00:17:17,119
Oh, I just --
I was just gonna get
455
00:17:17,202 --> 00:17:18,787
some chicken nuggets
from my house.
456
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:22,082
Your house? But this is
your house now, Matt.
457
00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:24,084
Remember?
If you wanted a snack,
458
00:17:24,168 --> 00:17:27,087
I would have happily prepared
you a bowl of baby carrots...
459
00:17:27,171 --> 00:17:29,423
with no dressing!
Aah!
460
00:17:29,506 --> 00:17:30,799
No, no, no.
Please, no!
461
00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:32,676
Please, no!
Stop it!
462
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:34,762
Matt?
Mom, I made a mistake.
463
00:17:34,845 --> 00:17:36,346
I wanna come back.
Please.
464
00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:37,431
Please help me.
465
00:17:37,514 --> 00:17:38,640
Aah!
466
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:40,517
[ Gasping ]
Ron: Can't have Guys Night
467
00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:42,352
till the satellite's fixed,
Stebe.
468
00:17:42,436 --> 00:17:44,772
Guys Night.
The satellite.
469
00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:47,691
The most essential part
of Guys Night.
470
00:17:47,775 --> 00:17:49,485
Oh, son of a bitch!
471
00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:51,445
♪♪
472
00:17:51,528 --> 00:17:53,739
Ron: Ron Dennison to Sebastian.
Keep an eye out.
473
00:17:53,822 --> 00:17:55,449
Insubordinate
is locked in his room,
474
00:17:55,532 --> 00:17:57,618
but still showing
signs of resistance.
475
00:17:57,701 --> 00:17:59,411
We're in for a long night.
476
00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:01,622
I love you.
I love you, too, Papi.
477
00:18:01,705 --> 00:18:02,664
Ha!
478
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:04,249
[ Grunting ]
479
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,960
♪♪
480
00:18:07,044 --> 00:18:09,588
Whew!
Don't be too hard on yourself.
481
00:18:09,671 --> 00:18:12,633
Nobody survives Deb's
thunder thighs.
482
00:18:12,716 --> 00:18:15,219
♪♪
483
00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:16,303
Sarah here.
484
00:18:16,386 --> 00:18:17,971
Insubordinate
trying to escape.
485
00:18:18,055 --> 00:18:20,098
I'm on it.
486
00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:22,726
You've got to tie it
to something first, you loser.
487
00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:25,479
C'mon, Sarah. I voted you
Most Likely to Succeed
488
00:18:25,562 --> 00:18:26,563
for the school yearbook.
489
00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:28,982
Everyone did.
I'm a Dennison.
490
00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:34,822
Yeah. Most Likely to Succeed
at Failing.
491
00:18:36,615 --> 00:18:38,325
Oh, God, the twins.
492
00:18:38,408 --> 00:18:39,326
Creepsville.
493
00:18:39,409 --> 00:18:41,119
I'm finding
another way in.
494
00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:43,455
Hailey: Hello.
495
00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:45,124
Hey, Hailey.
496
00:18:45,207 --> 00:18:47,251
You got some knives there?
497
00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:48,627
Yeah.
498
00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:52,339
Sometimes my mom lets me
help chop vegetables for dinner.
499
00:18:52,422 --> 00:18:54,508
But that's kid stuff.
500
00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:57,135
Haaaahhh!
501
00:18:57,219 --> 00:19:00,848
Mom tip --
Always use a cutting board.
502
00:19:00,931 --> 00:19:05,936
♪♪
503
00:19:06,019 --> 00:19:07,563
Hyah!
Oh!
504
00:19:07,646 --> 00:19:09,398
♪♪
505
00:19:09,481 --> 00:19:10,899
I love you.
[ Screaming ]
506
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,109
[ Laughs ]
507
00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:15,404
Get off of me,
you little freak show!
508
00:19:15,487 --> 00:19:18,574
♪♪
509
00:19:18,657 --> 00:19:19,741
Aah!
510
00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:20,826
[ Laughing ]
511
00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:21,952
I love you.
512
00:19:22,035 --> 00:19:23,662
[ Panting ]
513
00:19:23,745 --> 00:19:26,415
This is the last thing
I ever do for you.
514
00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:29,251
Hey, Ron? Ron. I think I know
what's wrong with the dish.
515
00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:32,296
Just -- Just have to get up
there and check the wiring.
516
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,549
♪♪
517
00:19:35,632 --> 00:19:37,676
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
518
00:19:37,759 --> 00:19:39,386
[ Both hissing ]
519
00:19:39,469 --> 00:19:40,721
Jesus fucking Christ!
520
00:19:40,804 --> 00:19:42,180
Aah!
521
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:45,309
Quick -- Ron's key card.
522
00:19:47,561 --> 00:19:50,480
[ Pounding on door,
twins growling ]
523
00:19:54,234 --> 00:19:56,069
Hah! Hah!
Ha! Ooh!
524
00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:57,237
What's in the bags, Mel?
525
00:19:57,321 --> 00:20:00,032
Frozen low-carb
cauliflower hash browns.
526
00:20:00,115 --> 00:20:02,201
I know a good idea
when I hear one, Deb.
527
00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:05,370
You ready to get smacked
in the face by these bony tits?
528
00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:07,748
♪♪
529
00:20:07,831 --> 00:20:09,875
Huh! Ha! Huh! Huh!
530
00:20:11,168 --> 00:20:12,461
C'mon, Stebe. Think.
531
00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:14,796
You just gotta find a way
up to that satellite.
532
00:20:16,798 --> 00:20:22,721
♪♪
533
00:20:22,804 --> 00:20:25,098
Matt!
Run as fast as you can!
534
00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:27,142
[ Panting ]
535
00:20:29,686 --> 00:20:31,772
Oh, honey, you've been
stuffing his face
536
00:20:31,855 --> 00:20:34,149
with cheese pizza
his whole life.
537
00:20:34,232 --> 00:20:35,817
I run a 5K every year
538
00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:38,111
to raise money
for children with eczema.
539
00:20:38,195 --> 00:20:39,363
I'll catch him.
540
00:20:39,446 --> 00:20:40,781
And I'll win.
541
00:20:40,864 --> 00:20:43,492
What else would you expect
from the 17-time winner
542
00:20:43,575 --> 00:20:46,745
of Bakersfield
Business Mom of the Year?!
543
00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:51,416
Oh, God!
544
00:20:52,167 --> 00:20:53,377
[ Both scream ]
545
00:20:55,128 --> 00:20:56,171
Aah!
546
00:21:00,384 --> 00:21:02,386
Looks like she's
officially washed up.
547
00:21:02,469 --> 00:21:04,179
God, stop.
548
00:21:04,262 --> 00:21:06,264
[ Mellow music plays ]
549
00:21:06,348 --> 00:21:11,520
♪♪
550
00:21:11,603 --> 00:21:14,022
Dude, did you hear? They just
stocked the magazine shelves
551
00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:16,316
with the new issue of
Bakersfield Business Mom.
552
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,777
Ah, no way.
Let's go check it out.
553
00:21:18,860 --> 00:21:22,823
"While it's easy to label her
as loud and brash,
554
00:21:22,906 --> 00:21:25,283
there are some things
you find out only
555
00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:27,285
by spending time with her --
556
00:21:27,369 --> 00:21:30,205
That underneath
her hard outer shell,
557
00:21:30,288 --> 00:21:34,209
she's sweet, smart,
and deceptively caring.
558
00:21:34,292 --> 00:21:37,379
Make no mistake --
Whether she's providing
559
00:21:37,462 --> 00:21:38,714
for her family at home
560
00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:41,675
or undercutting
business rivals at work...
561
00:21:41,758 --> 00:21:43,719
she'll go to the ends
of the earth
562
00:21:43,802 --> 00:21:45,846
to do what needs to be done.
563
00:21:45,929 --> 00:21:50,350
So no matter what anyone else
thinks about Deb Hornsby,
564
00:21:50,434 --> 00:21:54,229
I'll always be proud
to call her my mom."
565
00:21:56,690 --> 00:22:01,695
♪♪
566
00:22:01,778 --> 00:22:06,658
♪♪
567
00:22:06,742 --> 00:22:09,536
♪ I can't tell you
what I think of you ♪
568
00:22:09,619 --> 00:22:11,788
♪ 'Cause I know
that I'm too scared ♪
569
00:22:11,872 --> 00:22:14,499
♪ If I tell you
that I love you ♪
570
00:22:14,583 --> 00:22:16,877
♪ Will you even be there? ♪
571
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:18,587
♪♪
572
00:22:18,670 --> 00:22:22,382
♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh ♪
573
00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:24,718
♪♪
574
00:22:30,807 --> 00:22:32,768
Chirp.
575
00:22:32,818 --> 00:22:37,368
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