All language subtitles for Royal Crackers s01e05 Business Mom.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,753 --> 00:00:07,632 [ Mellow music plays ] 2 00:00:07,716 --> 00:00:10,844 [ Door opens ] 3 00:00:10,927 --> 00:00:13,763 [ Grunting ] 4 00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:16,307 Back off, asshole. They're mine. 5 00:00:16,391 --> 00:00:18,101 Oh, gosh. Sorry, Deb. 6 00:00:18,184 --> 00:00:19,269 I'm such a klutz. 7 00:00:19,352 --> 00:00:21,229 Why, if it isn't Mel Dennison. 8 00:00:21,312 --> 00:00:23,732 Never expect to see you in frozen foods. 9 00:00:23,815 --> 00:00:25,942 I've been hearing about these frozen 10 00:00:26,025 --> 00:00:29,404 low-carb cauliflower hash browns that are to die for. 11 00:00:29,487 --> 00:00:31,990 I know, I know -- preservatives, Mel. 12 00:00:32,073 --> 00:00:34,784 But if the kids like them, maybe I'll make them from scratch. 13 00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:37,328 Oh, no, Deb. Chicken nuggets again?. 14 00:00:37,412 --> 00:00:40,165 Sweetie, I told you those things are super-unhealthy. 15 00:00:40,248 --> 00:00:42,167 Ugh. This is why I'm so grateful 16 00:00:42,250 --> 00:00:45,003 that Ron can handle so much of our company workload 17 00:00:45,086 --> 00:00:48,381 while I tend to our beautiful babies and their diets. 18 00:00:48,465 --> 00:00:49,924 I don't have to slave away at the office 19 00:00:50,008 --> 00:00:51,509 every day like you do. [ Laughs ] 20 00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:53,595 I'm messing with you, Deb. 21 00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:54,763 Relax. 22 00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:56,806 Anyway, toodle-oo. 23 00:01:00,518 --> 00:01:03,271 [ Dramatic music plays ] 24 00:01:03,354 --> 00:01:06,065 ♪♪ 25 00:01:06,149 --> 00:01:07,609 Ugh. 26 00:01:07,692 --> 00:01:09,652 [ Grunting ] 27 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,029 Ma'am, can I ask what you're doing? 28 00:01:11,112 --> 00:01:12,614 I'm fixing your display. 29 00:01:12,697 --> 00:01:15,241 The entire shelf is nothing but Dennison products. 30 00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:18,036 You think people want less variety in their groceries? 31 00:01:18,119 --> 00:01:19,287 This isn't South Korea. 32 00:01:19,370 --> 00:01:20,789 Don't touch me! 33 00:01:20,872 --> 00:01:21,998 Take note, sheeple. 34 00:01:22,081 --> 00:01:24,459 This is what happens when you try to stand up 35 00:01:24,542 --> 00:01:26,294 against big snack foods. 36 00:01:26,377 --> 00:01:28,046 Buy Royal Crackers! 37 00:01:28,129 --> 00:01:29,547 Royal Crackers! 38 00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:30,507 Ow! 39 00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:38,473 ♪♪ 40 00:01:38,556 --> 00:01:46,439 ♪♪ 41 00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:54,489 ♪♪ 42 00:01:54,572 --> 00:01:56,241 [ Doorbell rings ] Matt, honey?! 43 00:01:56,324 --> 00:01:57,992 Will you get that?! 44 00:01:58,076 --> 00:01:59,410 Ow! 45 00:02:00,912 --> 00:02:03,164 [ Doorbell rings ] [ Sighs ] 46 00:02:03,248 --> 00:02:04,457 [ Groans ] [ Telephone rings ] 47 00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:06,167 Matt, I'm coming up there after I'm done 48 00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:09,337 and I'm gonna shove that video game right up your butthole! 49 00:02:09,420 --> 00:02:10,839 Hornsby residence. 50 00:02:10,922 --> 00:02:12,966 Man: I've been eating Dennison Crackers my whole life. 51 00:02:13,049 --> 00:02:17,804 Threaten them again, and there will be hell to pay! 52 00:02:17,887 --> 00:02:19,305 Bitch. [ Line clicks ] 53 00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:20,640 [ Doorbell rings ] 54 00:02:20,723 --> 00:02:22,350 What?! Hello. [ Chuckles nervously ] 55 00:02:22,433 --> 00:02:25,687 Uh, someone left this on your doorstep. 56 00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:27,564 Aah! Uhh! 57 00:02:27,647 --> 00:02:29,315 You must be Deb Hornsby. 58 00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:30,817 I'm Beverly Donovan. 59 00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:33,736 Editor for Bakersfield Business Mom Magazine. 60 00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:36,406 I own every issue of that! Oh. 61 00:02:36,489 --> 00:02:37,782 Don't know if you've heard, 62 00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:39,868 but the video of you being arrested at Gelman's 63 00:02:39,951 --> 00:02:41,870 has really been making the rounds. 64 00:02:41,953 --> 00:02:44,038 Look, Bev, I'm not at liberty to talk about it. 65 00:02:44,122 --> 00:02:46,416 My lawyer and I are balls deep in a lawsuit 66 00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:48,877 over some serious emotional trauma. 67 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:50,378 Had no idea I was being apprehended 68 00:02:50,461 --> 00:02:52,797 by Officers Snowflake and Baby-Ears that day. 69 00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:54,007 Deb, I will admit -- 70 00:02:54,090 --> 00:02:56,259 Initially, I didn't like the video. 71 00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:59,679 But once I did my own research and discovered 72 00:02:59,762 --> 00:03:01,723 that you're a tough-as-nails businesswoman 73 00:03:01,806 --> 00:03:03,308 on the board of Royal Crackers, 74 00:03:03,391 --> 00:03:05,101 arrested for protecting her company, 75 00:03:05,184 --> 00:03:06,978 exposing a snack food monopoly, 76 00:03:07,061 --> 00:03:09,898 all while grocery shopping for her family? 77 00:03:09,981 --> 00:03:12,483 I realized that you're a perfect candidate 78 00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:15,403 for our Business Mom of the Year Award. 79 00:03:15,486 --> 00:03:18,573 For real? But... Mel Dennison always wins that. 80 00:03:18,656 --> 00:03:21,242 Oh, big whoop. I want to be your champion, Deb, 81 00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:25,246 and turn this into a true redemption story. 82 00:03:26,497 --> 00:03:27,624 Matt, sweetheart! 83 00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:29,834 Your food is getting cold! 84 00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:32,420 Sorry. It's pizza delivery tonight, Bev. 85 00:03:32,503 --> 00:03:34,714 I spent all day at the office. Didn't have a second 86 00:03:34,797 --> 00:03:38,301 to whip up some of my famous cauliflower hash browns. 87 00:03:38,384 --> 00:03:41,679 I'm just happy to get an inside look at the Hornsby home. 88 00:03:41,763 --> 00:03:43,514 Hey, Bev, you should do a cover story on me. 89 00:03:43,598 --> 00:03:45,266 Give those uptight ladies some eye candy 90 00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:46,476 to soak their pantsuits. 91 00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:47,810 Hey, that's a great idea, Beverly. 92 00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:48,937 Why don't you do that? 93 00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:50,855 Well, our magazine celebrates 94 00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:52,774 self-empowered women with prominent careers 95 00:03:52,857 --> 00:03:56,027 and beautiful home lives with happy, healthy children. 96 00:03:56,110 --> 00:03:57,195 Uh! 97 00:03:57,278 --> 00:03:58,279 Sorry I'm late. 98 00:03:58,363 --> 00:04:00,782 [ Grunting ] 99 00:04:00,865 --> 00:04:03,451 Uh, Matt, say hi to our guest. 100 00:04:03,534 --> 00:04:07,246 She might be writing a magazine story about me. 101 00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:09,624 [ Grunting ] 102 00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:17,966 [ Chuckles ] 103 00:04:18,049 --> 00:04:20,510 [ Grunting ] 104 00:04:20,593 --> 00:04:25,431 ♪♪ 105 00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:27,392 [ Grunting continues ] 106 00:04:27,475 --> 00:04:33,398 ♪♪ 107 00:04:33,481 --> 00:04:34,816 [ Sighs ] 108 00:04:34,899 --> 00:04:36,150 Ughh... 109 00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:37,568 Ugh! 110 00:04:37,652 --> 00:04:39,529 I don't feel so good. 111 00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:41,447 Can I be excused? 112 00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:43,866 [ Groaning ] 113 00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:47,495 Okay. [ Glass shattering ] 114 00:04:48,246 --> 00:04:50,039 And, of course, the biggest threat 115 00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,291 that could single-handedly wipe Royal Crackers 116 00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:54,085 off the face of the earth? The texture? 117 00:04:54,168 --> 00:04:55,503 -The taste? -The eradication of our 118 00:04:55,586 --> 00:04:57,338 elderly customer base by common ailments? 119 00:04:57,422 --> 00:04:59,007 No, this isn't a test. 120 00:04:59,090 --> 00:05:00,675 Dennison Snacks. 121 00:05:00,758 --> 00:05:03,344 Oh, Deb, I don't think we wanna escalate this Dennison feud. 122 00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:04,595 I mean, it could give Ron 123 00:05:04,679 --> 00:05:06,055 a reason to not invite me to Guys Night. 124 00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:07,890 He already doesn't invite you to Guys Night. 125 00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:09,350 But he's warming up to it. 126 00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:12,103 I can feel it every time he calls me for Wi-Fi advice. 127 00:05:12,186 --> 00:05:14,272 Deb, I'm sorry that America thinks 128 00:05:14,355 --> 00:05:16,357 you're an insufferable battle-ax right now. 129 00:05:16,441 --> 00:05:19,527 But do not bring your little "revenge tour" fantasies in here 130 00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:22,822 just 'cause you've charmed some Cosmo magazine reject. 131 00:05:22,905 --> 00:05:24,699 No offense, Beverly. 132 00:05:24,782 --> 00:05:27,785 Hey, Bev. Reconsidering my pitch yet? 133 00:05:27,869 --> 00:05:29,370 [ Ringtone plays ] Oh, thank God. 134 00:05:29,454 --> 00:05:30,872 Excuse me, Deb. Hello? 135 00:05:30,955 --> 00:05:33,374 A spread on ambrosia salad? I'm there. 136 00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:36,461 Oh, my God, are you shitheads trying to blow this for me? 137 00:05:36,544 --> 00:05:37,712 Between everyone here 138 00:05:37,795 --> 00:05:39,881 and my absent, emotionally distant son, 139 00:05:39,964 --> 00:05:41,299 I'm never getting the cover 140 00:05:41,382 --> 00:05:42,967 of Bakersfield Business Mom Magazine. 141 00:05:43,051 --> 00:05:45,178 Matt? Emotionally distant? 142 00:05:45,261 --> 00:05:46,554 Ha! C'mon, Deb. 143 00:05:46,637 --> 00:05:49,057 He's scarfing down dinner, avoiding conversation, 144 00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:51,642 coming out of his room all wide-eyed to compensate. 145 00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:53,311 The kid's on drugs. 146 00:05:53,394 --> 00:05:54,729 What?! Oh, heavens. 147 00:05:54,812 --> 00:05:56,397 Deb, let me talk to the boy. 148 00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:58,983 It's best he gets his miracle tonics from somewhere safe. 149 00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:02,070 I know an apothecary who travels with a very credible caravan 150 00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:03,863 all the way from the mysterious east. 151 00:06:03,946 --> 00:06:05,656 What's he need? A custom concoction 152 00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:07,909 or just a run-of-the-mill flask of heroin water? 153 00:06:07,992 --> 00:06:11,079 To hell with all that. I could use the money. 154 00:06:11,162 --> 00:06:12,747 There's more where that came from. 155 00:06:12,830 --> 00:06:14,415 Oh, my God, if Matt's on drugs, 156 00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:17,460 this could seriously damage my chance -- 157 00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:20,588 [ Knock on door ] 158 00:06:20,671 --> 00:06:21,798 Matt? 159 00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:24,008 I bought you a new video game. 160 00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:27,720 I thought we could play it together. 161 00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:30,973 Theo: [ Echoing ] The kid's on drugs. 162 00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:32,350 Man: ♪ Hey ♪ 163 00:06:32,433 --> 00:06:35,103 The kid's on drugs. ♪ Hey ♪ 164 00:06:35,186 --> 00:06:38,731 The kid's on drugs. ♪ Hey ♪ 165 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,149 ♪ Drugs ♪ 166 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:41,859 [ Sighs ] 167 00:06:44,153 --> 00:06:51,077 ♪♪ 168 00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:52,787 Matt? 169 00:06:52,870 --> 00:06:57,250 ♪♪ 170 00:06:57,333 --> 00:06:58,960 Matt? 171 00:06:59,043 --> 00:07:03,673 As Michelle Tanner would say, you're in big trouble, mister. 172 00:07:03,756 --> 00:07:06,634 [ Laughter ] 173 00:07:06,717 --> 00:07:08,636 Matt? 174 00:07:08,719 --> 00:07:10,429 Hello? 175 00:07:10,513 --> 00:07:11,722 [ Laughter continues ] 176 00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:13,641 Who's there? 177 00:07:13,724 --> 00:07:19,689 ♪♪ 178 00:07:19,772 --> 00:07:21,774 [ Laughter continues ] 179 00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:24,986 ♪♪ 180 00:07:25,069 --> 00:07:26,654 [ Laughter continues ] 181 00:07:28,489 --> 00:07:30,658 [ Laughter continues ] 182 00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:36,998 [ Laughter continues ] 183 00:07:37,081 --> 00:07:39,000 Uh, uh, crying. Tears. 184 00:07:39,083 --> 00:07:40,001 Injury. 185 00:07:40,084 --> 00:07:41,169 -Cut hand? -Chopping? 186 00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:42,920 Oh, chopping onions. You got it! 187 00:07:43,004 --> 00:07:44,297 [ Laughter ] 188 00:07:44,380 --> 00:07:45,756 Well, I guess that's another point 189 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:47,049 for the guys' team, ladies. 190 00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:49,677 Okay, yeah, yeah. This is so unfair. 191 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:51,470 You have an extra player on your team. 192 00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:53,472 Hey, now. If you didn't want Gus around, 193 00:07:53,556 --> 00:07:54,724 then maybe you shouldn't have opened 194 00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:56,142 that fancy bottle of champagne 195 00:07:56,225 --> 00:07:59,937 when we were in the Le Hotel Du Chateau Lovers Suite. 196 00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:01,397 Oh, my God! 197 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:02,815 Gross, Dad. 198 00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:04,400 Hey. Gus, buddy? 199 00:08:04,483 --> 00:08:06,277 That was just a good ol' J.K. 200 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,988 Your mom and I thank God every single day 201 00:08:09,071 --> 00:08:11,449 that we have a great kid like you. 202 00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:13,409 You're our little miracle. 203 00:08:13,492 --> 00:08:14,785 You all are. 204 00:08:14,869 --> 00:08:17,079 Understand? Oh, God. 205 00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:19,040 Sometimes in this family, we tease, 206 00:08:19,123 --> 00:08:21,167 and it might feel hurtful, sweetheart. 207 00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:24,378 But understand that there's no truth to these jokes. 208 00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:25,922 You get all that, little man? 209 00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:27,048 Yes, Papi. 210 00:08:27,131 --> 00:08:28,549 Papi?! Ron: Alright. 211 00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:29,717 Hey, Guy Team. 212 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:31,677 Let's bring it in for a victory hug. 213 00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:32,887 [ Chuckles ] 214 00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:36,390 And I guess the ladies can join in, too. 215 00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:37,892 Come here, you. 216 00:08:37,975 --> 00:08:39,060 [ Chuckles ] 217 00:08:39,143 --> 00:08:40,519 [ Sighs ] 218 00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:44,232 Counselor: Thank you for coming in, Mr. and Mrs. Hornsby. 219 00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:45,983 We need to talk about Matt. 220 00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:48,236 Listen, I know why we're here, and all I ask 221 00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:49,779 is that you don't tell Beverly Donovan 222 00:08:49,862 --> 00:08:51,239 about any of this. 223 00:08:51,322 --> 00:08:53,741 Why wouldn't you want her to know that he's doing great? 224 00:08:53,824 --> 00:08:55,117 Doing great at what? Failing? 225 00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:57,912 No, he's gone from barely passing to straight A's. 226 00:08:57,995 --> 00:08:59,789 Ah. I see what's happening here. 227 00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:01,165 There's two Matts at this school. 228 00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:03,251 I'm serious. Apparently he's engaged in class, 229 00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:04,919 and his test scores are skyrocketing. 230 00:09:05,002 --> 00:09:07,630 Whatever's going on at home right now, keep it up. 231 00:09:07,713 --> 00:09:09,090 You two deserve real praise. 232 00:09:09,173 --> 00:09:10,716 We deserve real praise for driving 233 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:13,427 all the way out here in the middle of a Wednesday! 234 00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:15,972 Ever heard of e-mail, you son of a bitch? 235 00:09:16,055 --> 00:09:17,139 C'mon, Stebe. 236 00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:18,474 [ Door slams ] 237 00:09:19,725 --> 00:09:22,812 Ah, well, it's official -- Matt's on drugs. 238 00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:24,438 There's literally no other explanation. 239 00:09:24,522 --> 00:09:25,564 I wish it was drugs. 240 00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:27,066 Maybe that would make him funnier. 241 00:09:27,149 --> 00:09:29,110 Matt has a secret, Stebe. 242 00:09:29,193 --> 00:09:32,822 And I'm so ashamed that I can't even say it out loud. 243 00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:34,198 It's the Dennisons. 244 00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:35,950 I swear to God, if you tell me he got into Guys Night 245 00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:37,451 before I did, I'm gonna go buck. 246 00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:39,453 What? No. Last week, I was on the phone 247 00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:41,122 helping Ron troubleshoot his router, 248 00:09:41,205 --> 00:09:43,207 and I swear to God he was this close to inviting me. 249 00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:45,084 Deb, if Matt can get me in over there, 250 00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:47,420 do not hold out on me. I need this. 251 00:09:47,503 --> 00:09:48,963 Hey! Hey, you! 252 00:09:49,046 --> 00:09:52,216 You're the mouthy lady from the Gelman's video, huh? 253 00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:53,592 Royal Crackers suck! 254 00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:55,136 Ha ha ha! [ Horn honks ] 255 00:09:55,219 --> 00:09:56,721 Oh, God! 256 00:10:03,602 --> 00:10:05,479 ♪♪ 257 00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:07,648 Mom? 258 00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:10,735 Mom, are you okay? 259 00:10:10,818 --> 00:10:12,486 Mom? 260 00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:14,071 Mom. 261 00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:15,281 Mom. 262 00:10:15,364 --> 00:10:17,616 Mom! Mom! Aah! 263 00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,035 Jesus Christ, Matt. 264 00:10:19,118 --> 00:10:21,954 This would be, like, the worst "Rescue 911" episode ever. 265 00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:23,289 What are you doing under there? 266 00:10:23,372 --> 00:10:25,249 Oh, just wanted to see if anyone in this family 267 00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:27,168 still gave a flyin' fleshlight about me. 268 00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:28,794 I give a flying fleshlight. 269 00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:31,172 Do you? Then what's with the freaking hole in your wall 270 00:10:31,255 --> 00:10:33,132 that leads to the Dennison house, huh? 271 00:10:33,215 --> 00:10:35,176 Oh. You know about that? 272 00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:36,844 What do they have that we don't, Matt? 273 00:10:36,927 --> 00:10:38,387 Tell me. I don't know. 274 00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,014 The food tastes terrible there, 275 00:10:40,097 --> 00:10:42,600 and they only allow an hour of screen time a night. 276 00:10:42,683 --> 00:10:44,060 But they're just happy. 277 00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:46,270 And I just wanted to get away from all the people 278 00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:49,106 making fun of us over your Gelman's video. 279 00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:50,691 It was embarrassing. 280 00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:51,942 Was it, Matt? 281 00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:53,861 Was it embarrassing to see your working mother 282 00:10:53,944 --> 00:10:56,322 protect her business and provide for her family? 283 00:10:56,405 --> 00:10:57,990 Was that embarrassing for you? 284 00:10:58,074 --> 00:10:59,450 You can go to your room! 285 00:10:59,533 --> 00:11:02,620 And I don't mean the Dennison one with all that cool shit! 286 00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:05,289 [ Mellow music plays ] 287 00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:07,124 Uh! Jesus Christ! 288 00:11:07,208 --> 00:11:09,126 Oh, my gosh, Mel. Are you okay? 289 00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:11,629 They gotta tighten the wheels on these damn things. 290 00:11:11,712 --> 00:11:12,713 Ha ha ha. 291 00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:13,964 Oh, Deb. Hi. 292 00:11:14,048 --> 00:11:15,716 I-I thought you were banned from Gelman's. 293 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,593 I'm on probation. Lucky for you. 294 00:11:17,676 --> 00:11:19,428 'Cause, otherwise, I'd fill some plastic bags 295 00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:20,721 with cauliflower hash browns 296 00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:23,057 and go "Full Metal Jacket" on your bony tits. 297 00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:24,683 I'm sorry. Is something wrong? 298 00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:26,310 You stay away from my son. 299 00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:28,312 I see your every move, lady. 300 00:11:28,396 --> 00:11:30,648 Undermining my value as a mother so you can get 301 00:11:30,731 --> 00:11:32,358 Business Mom of the Year Award. 302 00:11:32,441 --> 00:11:34,568 Deb, I can't help that Matt happened 303 00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:37,905 to find a secret tunnel system that leads to our house. 304 00:11:37,988 --> 00:11:39,323 What do you want me to do? 305 00:11:39,407 --> 00:11:40,449 Turn him away? 306 00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:41,909 It would break his little heart. 307 00:11:41,992 --> 00:11:44,912 Oh, that reminds me. I forgot to give you the invite. 308 00:11:44,995 --> 00:11:46,455 Toodle-oo. 309 00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:50,042 Matt Dennison's official adoption ceremony? 310 00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:53,295 ♪♪ 311 00:11:56,424 --> 00:12:00,261 [ Classical music plays ] 312 00:12:00,344 --> 00:12:01,846 Oh, God, are you kidding me?! 313 00:12:01,929 --> 00:12:03,597 Mel invited Beverly? 314 00:12:03,681 --> 00:12:04,932 Oh, God, I'm finished. 315 00:12:05,015 --> 00:12:06,642 C'mon, Deb. You're still in the running 316 00:12:06,725 --> 00:12:07,935 for Business Mom of the Year. 317 00:12:08,018 --> 00:12:10,020 It's like Matt's just going away to camp. 318 00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:11,439 Dennison camp. Heh. 319 00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:13,315 Sounds kinda cool to me. Ugh! 320 00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:14,984 Hey! There they are. 321 00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:17,111 Deb! You look beautiful. 322 00:12:17,194 --> 00:12:19,029 I love that gown. 323 00:12:19,113 --> 00:12:21,115 Oh, boy. Fashion talk. 324 00:12:21,198 --> 00:12:23,784 I think this is our cue to duck on out of here, huh, Stebe? 325 00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:25,661 What are you talking about? I love fashion talk. 326 00:12:25,744 --> 00:12:27,079 It's one of my favorite topics. 327 00:12:27,163 --> 00:12:28,873 Hey, I was wondering -- Hey, have you and I 328 00:12:28,956 --> 00:12:30,583 ever discussed Guy's Night? 329 00:12:30,666 --> 00:12:32,001 No. 330 00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:33,711 Okay, you're coming with me. 331 00:12:33,794 --> 00:12:36,755 That's an order, soldier. -[ Laughs ] The army. 332 00:12:36,839 --> 00:12:38,299 Well. G.G., Mel. 333 00:12:38,382 --> 00:12:41,385 You stole my only son and made my worst nightmare a reality -- 334 00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:43,554 Bye-bye, locally published magazine cover. 335 00:12:43,637 --> 00:12:45,055 Honey, it's not personal. 336 00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:47,308 Getting the cover of Bakersfield Business Mom 337 00:12:47,391 --> 00:12:49,268 is essential to the Dennison brand. 338 00:12:49,351 --> 00:12:52,605 And Matt is completely capable of making his own decisions. 339 00:12:52,688 --> 00:12:55,608 But he's not, though. He's literally a kid. 340 00:12:55,691 --> 00:12:57,693 Deb, if someone puts on a ceremony 341 00:12:57,776 --> 00:12:59,028 with the expressed purpose 342 00:12:59,111 --> 00:13:01,238 of declaring someone's child as their own, 343 00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:02,740 that child becomes theirs. 344 00:13:02,823 --> 00:13:04,575 That's the law. Everyone knows that. 345 00:13:04,658 --> 00:13:05,993 That is the law. 346 00:13:06,076 --> 00:13:07,661 And then there's this remote for the speaker 347 00:13:07,745 --> 00:13:09,163 and this remote for the TV 348 00:13:09,246 --> 00:13:10,498 and this and that and this and that, 349 00:13:10,581 --> 00:13:11,999 and on and on and on and on. 350 00:13:12,082 --> 00:13:13,751 So I bought this master remote and got it working 351 00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:16,337 with everything except the damn satellite. 352 00:13:16,420 --> 00:13:18,005 The most important part of Guys Night. 353 00:13:18,088 --> 00:13:20,007 It also came with this instruction manual, 354 00:13:20,090 --> 00:13:21,842 but the damn thing's so long. 355 00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,303 I mean, come on. Who's got time to read that? 356 00:13:24,386 --> 00:13:25,763 Yeah, I hear ya. 357 00:13:25,846 --> 00:13:28,724 So I was, you know, hoping you could take a look at it. 358 00:13:28,807 --> 00:13:30,017 Now. 359 00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:33,437 I mean, you're about to adopt my child. Outside. 360 00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:36,357 I know, I know, but that big brain of yours? Ha! 361 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,484 I'm sure you'll figure it out in no time. 362 00:13:38,567 --> 00:13:39,777 Uhh! Got your dick. 363 00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:42,488 Wow, small balls. -Hey, Ron? 364 00:13:42,571 --> 00:13:44,031 Do you think -- Do you think maybe -- 365 00:13:44,114 --> 00:13:45,908 I don't know -- I could come to Guys Night? 366 00:13:45,991 --> 00:13:47,243 Well... 367 00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:49,495 can't have Guys Night till the satellite's fixed, 368 00:13:49,578 --> 00:13:51,872 Stebe, so... 369 00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:53,624 get to work. 370 00:13:56,001 --> 00:13:57,044 Oh, sorry. Sorry. 371 00:13:57,127 --> 00:13:58,712 Oh. Hey. Hey. 372 00:13:58,796 --> 00:14:00,506 You -- You look nice. 373 00:14:00,589 --> 00:14:02,550 Thanks. Uh...you -- you too. 374 00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:03,884 You wear polo shirts now? 375 00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:05,219 Yeah. Yeah. 376 00:14:05,302 --> 00:14:07,054 Well, you seem happy. 377 00:14:07,137 --> 00:14:08,597 I'm doing okay. 378 00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:10,891 You remember how I used to have stomach pains every day? 379 00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:12,142 I don't. Oh. 380 00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:14,103 Well, they went away. 381 00:14:14,186 --> 00:14:16,272 I think 'cause of the new diet Mel's got me on. 382 00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:18,399 Wow. That's really great. 383 00:14:18,482 --> 00:14:21,569 Matt! How many dumplings have you had tonight? 384 00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:23,779 There's a salad bar right over there. 385 00:14:23,862 --> 00:14:25,364 And no dressing or cheese. 386 00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:27,074 Aw. 387 00:14:27,157 --> 00:14:28,450 [ Groans ] 388 00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:31,745 Alright, everybody. We're gonna get things under way here. 389 00:14:31,829 --> 00:14:33,789 We are thrilled to introduce 390 00:14:33,872 --> 00:14:36,917 the Bakersfield President of Adoption! 391 00:14:37,001 --> 00:14:39,211 [ Cheers and applause ] [ Panting ] 392 00:14:41,297 --> 00:14:42,298 Ooh! 393 00:14:42,381 --> 00:14:45,092 Hello, friends and family. 394 00:14:45,175 --> 00:14:48,804 We're here today to turn this flabby young lady 395 00:14:48,887 --> 00:14:51,265 into a hearty Dennison man. 396 00:14:51,348 --> 00:14:55,603 [ Coughs ] If anyone here objects, please speak now. 397 00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:58,105 And, Deb, before you say anything, 398 00:14:58,188 --> 00:15:01,775 remember the last time you protested the Dennisons. 399 00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:02,943 [ Laughter ] 400 00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,696 Hey, keep your mouth shut. [ Laughs ] 401 00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:10,492 Miss? Please stand on the Pedestal of Family. 402 00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:12,119 Ron and Mel Dennison, 403 00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:16,957 you may now recite the sacred oath of adoption. [ Coughs ] 404 00:15:17,041 --> 00:15:18,167 Both: Adoption. Adoption. 405 00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:20,544 Shmiggle-shmaggle, yay, adoption! 406 00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:24,632 Now we consecrate this ceremony with the final ritual. 407 00:15:24,715 --> 00:15:29,595 Mary Hornsby, are you ready to be "Double Dare" slimed? 408 00:15:29,678 --> 00:15:31,555 What? 409 00:15:31,639 --> 00:15:34,141 And she is a Dennison! 410 00:15:34,224 --> 00:15:36,310 [ Cheers and applause ] 411 00:15:36,393 --> 00:15:38,437 Man: Yeah, right on! Whoo! 412 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,022 Okay. Just... 413 00:15:40,105 --> 00:15:41,857 So, power. 414 00:15:41,940 --> 00:15:43,067 Satellite. 415 00:15:43,150 --> 00:15:44,902 How to satellite. 416 00:15:44,985 --> 00:15:47,780 Alright, everybody. 417 00:15:47,863 --> 00:15:50,991 It's time for the mother-son dance. 418 00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:52,785 Mary and Mel Dennison, 419 00:15:52,868 --> 00:15:56,538 get those tight little buns on that dance floor. 420 00:15:56,622 --> 00:15:59,667 [ Up-tempo music plays ] 421 00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:00,834 -Aww. -Aww. 422 00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:02,169 Aww, look at them. 423 00:16:02,252 --> 00:16:03,671 [ Laughs ] 424 00:16:03,754 --> 00:16:07,007 ♪♪ 425 00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:09,385 [ Crying ] 426 00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:12,304 Great. Great job, Deb. 427 00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:13,889 I was a dick hair away from fixing 428 00:16:13,972 --> 00:16:15,683 Ron's satellite problem and finally getting invited 429 00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:17,184 to the hottest ticket in the neighborhood. 430 00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:18,560 But you just had to get out of there. 431 00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:19,853 I thought you loved me. 432 00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:22,690 What is this obsession with Guys Night? [ Sighs ] 433 00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:24,983 Am I really that hard to be around? 434 00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:27,736 My own son doesn't even want anything to do with me. 435 00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:29,863 Deb, no offense, but if you're gonna let Matt 436 00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:31,198 dictate how you feel about yourself, 437 00:16:31,281 --> 00:16:32,866 then as Michelle Tanner would say... 438 00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:34,702 [As Michelle] "You're in big trouble, mister." 439 00:16:34,785 --> 00:16:36,870 [ Crying ] Oh, God! 440 00:16:38,622 --> 00:16:41,333 [ Stomach rumbling ] 441 00:16:47,881 --> 00:16:49,633 Ron: Uh-uh-uh, fellow Dennison. 442 00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:52,469 Your hour of screen time has been depleted. 443 00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:53,554 Toodle-oo. 444 00:16:53,637 --> 00:16:55,347 Uh-uh-uh, fellow Denni-- 445 00:16:57,641 --> 00:16:58,726 [ Stomach rumbling ] 446 00:16:58,809 --> 00:17:00,561 [ Groans ] 447 00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:04,606 Huh? 448 00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:06,024 Where'd this come from? 449 00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:07,943 Mel: Uh-uh-uh, fellow Dennison. 450 00:17:08,026 --> 00:17:09,403 Please swipe your key card 451 00:17:09,486 --> 00:17:12,322 to pass through the impenetrable security door. 452 00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:13,282 Toodle-oo. 453 00:17:13,365 --> 00:17:14,992 Going somewhere, Matt? 454 00:17:15,075 --> 00:17:17,119 Oh, I just -- I was just gonna get 455 00:17:17,202 --> 00:17:18,787 some chicken nuggets from my house. 456 00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:22,082 Your house? But this is your house now, Matt. 457 00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:24,084 Remember? If you wanted a snack, 458 00:17:24,168 --> 00:17:27,087 I would have happily prepared you a bowl of baby carrots... 459 00:17:27,171 --> 00:17:29,423 with no dressing! Aah! 460 00:17:29,506 --> 00:17:30,799 No, no, no. Please, no! 461 00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:32,676 Please, no! Stop it! 462 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:34,762 Matt? Mom, I made a mistake. 463 00:17:34,845 --> 00:17:36,346 I wanna come back. Please. 464 00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:37,431 Please help me. 465 00:17:37,514 --> 00:17:38,640 Aah! 466 00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:40,517 [ Gasping ] Ron: Can't have Guys Night 467 00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:42,352 till the satellite's fixed, Stebe. 468 00:17:42,436 --> 00:17:44,772 Guys Night. The satellite. 469 00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:47,691 The most essential part of Guys Night. 470 00:17:47,775 --> 00:17:49,485 Oh, son of a bitch! 471 00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:51,445 ♪♪ 472 00:17:51,528 --> 00:17:53,739 Ron: Ron Dennison to Sebastian. Keep an eye out. 473 00:17:53,822 --> 00:17:55,449 Insubordinate is locked in his room, 474 00:17:55,532 --> 00:17:57,618 but still showing signs of resistance. 475 00:17:57,701 --> 00:17:59,411 We're in for a long night. 476 00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:01,622 I love you. I love you, too, Papi. 477 00:18:01,705 --> 00:18:02,664 Ha! 478 00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:04,249 [ Grunting ] 479 00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,960 ♪♪ 480 00:18:07,044 --> 00:18:09,588 Whew! Don't be too hard on yourself. 481 00:18:09,671 --> 00:18:12,633 Nobody survives Deb's thunder thighs. 482 00:18:12,716 --> 00:18:15,219 ♪♪ 483 00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:16,303 Sarah here. 484 00:18:16,386 --> 00:18:17,971 Insubordinate trying to escape. 485 00:18:18,055 --> 00:18:20,098 I'm on it. 486 00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:22,726 You've got to tie it to something first, you loser. 487 00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:25,479 C'mon, Sarah. I voted you Most Likely to Succeed 488 00:18:25,562 --> 00:18:26,563 for the school yearbook. 489 00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:28,982 Everyone did. I'm a Dennison. 490 00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:34,822 Yeah. Most Likely to Succeed at Failing. 491 00:18:36,615 --> 00:18:38,325 Oh, God, the twins. 492 00:18:38,408 --> 00:18:39,326 Creepsville. 493 00:18:39,409 --> 00:18:41,119 I'm finding another way in. 494 00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:43,455 Hailey: Hello. 495 00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:45,124 Hey, Hailey. 496 00:18:45,207 --> 00:18:47,251 You got some knives there? 497 00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:48,627 Yeah. 498 00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:52,339 Sometimes my mom lets me help chop vegetables for dinner. 499 00:18:52,422 --> 00:18:54,508 But that's kid stuff. 500 00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:57,135 Haaaahhh! 501 00:18:57,219 --> 00:19:00,848 Mom tip -- Always use a cutting board. 502 00:19:00,931 --> 00:19:05,936 ♪♪ 503 00:19:06,019 --> 00:19:07,563 Hyah! Oh! 504 00:19:07,646 --> 00:19:09,398 ♪♪ 505 00:19:09,481 --> 00:19:10,899 I love you. [ Screaming ] 506 00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,109 [ Laughs ] 507 00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:15,404 Get off of me, you little freak show! 508 00:19:15,487 --> 00:19:18,574 ♪♪ 509 00:19:18,657 --> 00:19:19,741 Aah! 510 00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:20,826 [ Laughing ] 511 00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:21,952 I love you. 512 00:19:22,035 --> 00:19:23,662 [ Panting ] 513 00:19:23,745 --> 00:19:26,415 This is the last thing I ever do for you. 514 00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:29,251 Hey, Ron? Ron. I think I know what's wrong with the dish. 515 00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:32,296 Just -- Just have to get up there and check the wiring. 516 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,549 ♪♪ 517 00:19:35,632 --> 00:19:37,676 Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no! 518 00:19:37,759 --> 00:19:39,386 [ Both hissing ] 519 00:19:39,469 --> 00:19:40,721 Jesus fucking Christ! 520 00:19:40,804 --> 00:19:42,180 Aah! 521 00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:45,309 Quick -- Ron's key card. 522 00:19:47,561 --> 00:19:50,480 [ Pounding on door, twins growling ] 523 00:19:54,234 --> 00:19:56,069 Hah! Hah! Ha! Ooh! 524 00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:57,237 What's in the bags, Mel? 525 00:19:57,321 --> 00:20:00,032 Frozen low-carb cauliflower hash browns. 526 00:20:00,115 --> 00:20:02,201 I know a good idea when I hear one, Deb. 527 00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:05,370 You ready to get smacked in the face by these bony tits? 528 00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:07,748 ♪♪ 529 00:20:07,831 --> 00:20:09,875 Huh! Ha! Huh! Huh! 530 00:20:11,168 --> 00:20:12,461 C'mon, Stebe. Think. 531 00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:14,796 You just gotta find a way up to that satellite. 532 00:20:16,798 --> 00:20:22,721 ♪♪ 533 00:20:22,804 --> 00:20:25,098 Matt! Run as fast as you can! 534 00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:27,142 [ Panting ] 535 00:20:29,686 --> 00:20:31,772 Oh, honey, you've been stuffing his face 536 00:20:31,855 --> 00:20:34,149 with cheese pizza his whole life. 537 00:20:34,232 --> 00:20:35,817 I run a 5K every year 538 00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:38,111 to raise money for children with eczema. 539 00:20:38,195 --> 00:20:39,363 I'll catch him. 540 00:20:39,446 --> 00:20:40,781 And I'll win. 541 00:20:40,864 --> 00:20:43,492 What else would you expect from the 17-time winner 542 00:20:43,575 --> 00:20:46,745 of Bakersfield Business Mom of the Year?! 543 00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:51,416 Oh, God! 544 00:20:52,167 --> 00:20:53,377 [ Both scream ] 545 00:20:55,128 --> 00:20:56,171 Aah! 546 00:21:00,384 --> 00:21:02,386 Looks like she's officially washed up. 547 00:21:02,469 --> 00:21:04,179 God, stop. 548 00:21:04,262 --> 00:21:06,264 [ Mellow music plays ] 549 00:21:06,348 --> 00:21:11,520 ♪♪ 550 00:21:11,603 --> 00:21:14,022 Dude, did you hear? They just stocked the magazine shelves 551 00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:16,316 with the new issue of Bakersfield Business Mom. 552 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,777 Ah, no way. Let's go check it out. 553 00:21:18,860 --> 00:21:22,823 "While it's easy to label her as loud and brash, 554 00:21:22,906 --> 00:21:25,283 there are some things you find out only 555 00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:27,285 by spending time with her -- 556 00:21:27,369 --> 00:21:30,205 That underneath her hard outer shell, 557 00:21:30,288 --> 00:21:34,209 she's sweet, smart, and deceptively caring. 558 00:21:34,292 --> 00:21:37,379 Make no mistake -- Whether she's providing 559 00:21:37,462 --> 00:21:38,714 for her family at home 560 00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:41,675 or undercutting business rivals at work... 561 00:21:41,758 --> 00:21:43,719 she'll go to the ends of the earth 562 00:21:43,802 --> 00:21:45,846 to do what needs to be done. 563 00:21:45,929 --> 00:21:50,350 So no matter what anyone else thinks about Deb Hornsby, 564 00:21:50,434 --> 00:21:54,229 I'll always be proud to call her my mom." 565 00:21:56,690 --> 00:22:01,695 ♪♪ 566 00:22:01,778 --> 00:22:06,658 ♪♪ 567 00:22:06,742 --> 00:22:09,536 ♪ I can't tell you what I think of you ♪ 568 00:22:09,619 --> 00:22:11,788 ♪ 'Cause I know that I'm too scared ♪ 569 00:22:11,872 --> 00:22:14,499 ♪ If I tell you that I love you ♪ 570 00:22:14,583 --> 00:22:16,877 ♪ Will you even be there? ♪ 571 00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:18,587 ♪♪ 572 00:22:18,670 --> 00:22:22,382 ♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh ♪ 573 00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:24,718 ♪♪ 574 00:22:30,807 --> 00:22:32,768 Chirp. 575 00:22:32,818 --> 00:22:37,368 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 40025

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