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1
00:00:02,836 --> 00:00:05,206
Sam: cheers is filmed
Before a live studio audience.
2
00:00:05,206 --> 00:00:07,475
Woods,
Refill, please.
3
00:00:07,475 --> 00:00:10,511
Yeah, sure.
Whatever you want.
4
00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:14,248
Hey, hey.
Why so down in the mouth
There, bud?
5
00:00:14,248 --> 00:00:15,683
Well, I'm understudying
Another play,
6
00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:17,285
And I know I'm never
Going to get to go on
7
00:00:17,285 --> 00:00:19,987
Because the star
Never gets sick.
8
00:00:19,987 --> 00:00:22,022
Darn it, the part
Is perfect for me.
9
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,724
Yeah?
What is that part?
10
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:24,625
Moses.
11
00:00:27,161 --> 00:00:29,130
My theater group is
Doing an original play--
12
00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:30,598
An evening
With the prophets.
13
00:00:30,598 --> 00:00:31,965
Mm-hmm.
14
00:00:31,965 --> 00:00:35,303
I've got more lines
Than any of
The other israelites.
15
00:00:35,303 --> 00:00:38,239
But I managed to jam them
All in, right up here.
16
00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:41,875
Yeah, your head looks
Packed, all right.
17
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:43,844
Go on, test me.
Give me a cue.
18
00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:46,180
All right.
19
00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:49,117
What's
The first line?
20
00:00:49,117 --> 00:00:50,884
"And I have said
I will bring you up
21
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,286
"Out of the affliction
Of egypt
22
00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:53,821
"Into the land
Of the canaanites,
23
00:00:53,821 --> 00:00:56,924
"And the hittites,
And the amorites,
And the perizzites,
24
00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:59,493
And the hivites."
25
00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:00,561
Wait, wait,
Wait, wait.
26
00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:02,563
What happened
To the cellulites?
27
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:09,337
They, uh, settled
In the land of vera.
28
00:01:09,337 --> 00:01:10,804
Did you hear
What he said?
29
00:01:15,276 --> 00:01:17,578
* makin' your way
In the world today *
30
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:20,581
* takes everything you've got *
31
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:23,417
* takin' a break
From all your worries *
32
00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:26,654
* sure would help a lot *
33
00:01:26,654 --> 00:01:32,560
* wouldn't you like
To get away? *
34
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:34,595
* sometimes
You wanna go *
35
00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:38,166
* where everybody
Knows your name *
36
00:01:40,168 --> 00:01:43,337
* and they're always
Glad you came *
37
00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:47,308
* you wanna be
Where you can see *
38
00:01:47,308 --> 00:01:49,710
* our troubles
Are all the same *
39
00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:55,149
* you wanna be where
Everybody knows your name *
40
00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:57,618
* you wanna go
Where people know *
41
00:01:57,618 --> 00:02:00,288
* people are all the same *
42
00:02:00,288 --> 00:02:04,458
* you wanna go where
Everybody knows your name *
43
00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:25,879
Here we go.
Thank you.
44
00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:27,315
Boy, what a day.
Yeah?
45
00:02:27,315 --> 00:02:29,650
Yeah. I can't wait
For it to end.
46
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,018
All I can think about
Is getting home
47
00:02:31,018 --> 00:02:32,553
And jumping into bed.
48
00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:34,355
Need anybody
To break your fall?
49
00:02:37,090 --> 00:02:38,792
Hi. Sam malone.
50
00:02:38,792 --> 00:02:40,761
Hi.
Suzanne porter.
51
00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:42,863
Sam, you done
Picking up
On this lady?
52
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,535
Not quite, woody.
53
00:02:47,535 --> 00:02:48,702
I'm sorry
To interrupt you,
54
00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:50,904
But denise called.
55
00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:53,774
Oh, denise.
56
00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:55,209
Who's denise?
57
00:02:55,209 --> 00:02:56,610
Um...
58
00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:59,112
My brother's
Kid, de niece.
59
00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:00,080
I have to say hi
To her
60
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:01,482
And de nephew.
61
00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:04,952
Hey, hey.
Ha ha ha.
62
00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:08,489
Very smooth,
Sam.
63
00:03:08,489 --> 00:03:10,123
So who's
This denise, sam?
64
00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:13,427
She was somebody.
We had quite a thing
Going there a while ago.
65
00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:16,129
Then we both realized
That sex wasn't anything
66
00:03:16,129 --> 00:03:18,131
To base
A relationship on.
67
00:03:18,131 --> 00:03:21,068
6 months later,
We broke up.
68
00:03:21,068 --> 00:03:22,270
She must be
Quite a dish
69
00:03:22,270 --> 00:03:23,271
If you're
Willing
To pass up on
70
00:03:23,271 --> 00:03:24,772
Door number one
Over there.
71
00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:27,140
It's kind
Of like avocados.
72
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:28,509
One of them's
Ripe and ready
73
00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:31,011
To be squashed
Into guacamole.
74
00:03:31,011 --> 00:03:33,781
The other one needs
To stay on the shelf
A little while longer.
75
00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:39,387
Anyway, call her back.
She says it's urgent.
76
00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:42,456
The accent
On urge, huh?
77
00:03:42,456 --> 00:03:44,558
Actually, you know,
I think this is a call
78
00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:46,226
I should return
In person.
79
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,695
Aw, sam.
80
00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:50,264
Hey.
81
00:03:50,264 --> 00:03:51,765
Where
Are you going?
82
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:54,335
To my niece's house.
Her grandma's sick.
83
00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:55,736
If it's your
Niece's grandma,
84
00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,471
Wouldn't that
Be your mother?
85
00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:58,972
My mom's sick?
Oh, my god!
86
00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:04,945
Excuse me.
87
00:04:04,945 --> 00:04:06,179
Why don't you
Stick around
For a little while?
88
00:04:06,179 --> 00:04:07,981
My mom bounces
Right back.
89
00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:20,628
Hey, sam. Hey, back from
The denise decathlon, huh?
90
00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:27,335
Heh heh.
Got another gold medal
In the broad jump?
91
00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:30,304
You know, you got
A big mouth, clavin.
92
00:04:30,304 --> 00:04:33,407
He happens
To be right, you know.
93
00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:35,776
It's a genetic quirk
In the clavin family
94
00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,911
That we all have
Two extra teeth.
95
00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:40,113
You see, that's the only way
That we can prove
96
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:45,152
That we are the rightful heirs
To the russian throne.
97
00:04:45,152 --> 00:04:46,320
Hello in there,
Cliff.
98
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:51,892
Tell me, what
Color is the sky
In your world?
99
00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:56,129
What's wrong?
100
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,566
I just want to be
Left alone for
A while, all right?
101
00:04:58,566 --> 00:05:00,300
You got it.
Thank you.
102
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:03,103
Hey, everybody, sam
Wants to be left alone.
103
00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:05,939
Ok, sammy, spill your guts.
What's the matter?
104
00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:07,608
Carla, I just
Said that
I want--
105
00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:09,643
Yeah, but you're gonna end up
Telling me eventually,
106
00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:12,279
So you might as well
Get it over with.
107
00:05:12,279 --> 00:05:14,214
Go on.
Make you feel better.
108
00:05:14,214 --> 00:05:16,884
Just keep this
To yourself.
109
00:05:16,884 --> 00:05:19,119
Remember how
I went over to
Denise's house?
110
00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:23,156
Well, she didn't
Invite me over
For a good time.
111
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:25,659
She wanted to
Show me something.
112
00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:27,795
What?
113
00:05:27,795 --> 00:05:29,196
My child.
114
00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:30,931
7 pounds,
10 ounces.
115
00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:31,999
A baby boy.
116
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:35,068
[laughs]
117
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:43,210
What's so funny?
118
00:05:43,210 --> 00:05:44,845
Sam malone
Finally got caught
119
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:48,816
With his hand
In the cookie jar.
120
00:05:48,816 --> 00:05:51,184
Carla, come on.
This is serious.
121
00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:54,822
Oh, of course
It is, sam,
122
00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:57,357
But I really think
You're going to be ok,
You know?
123
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,727
Yeah?
Just remember this.
124
00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:01,529
This little piggy
Went to market...
125
00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:06,366
This is not funny.
126
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,168
I'm sorry.
127
00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:09,937
You sure it's yours?
128
00:06:09,937 --> 00:06:12,440
No. It's between me
And another guy,
129
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:13,507
But the kid's
A real looker,
130
00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:18,746
So, you know,
You figure it out.
131
00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:21,715
So when are you going
To find out, dad?
132
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:24,084
Soon. She dragged me
Down to a lab
133
00:06:24,084 --> 00:06:25,719
To have a blood test.
134
00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:27,020
Well, what's the big deal?
You know,
135
00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:28,789
You could just do what
All the other jerks do--
136
00:06:28,789 --> 00:06:31,759
You pay a little
Money for support
And get off the hook.
137
00:06:31,759 --> 00:06:33,961
Carla, it means a lot
More to me than that.
138
00:06:33,961 --> 00:06:36,497
I'm telling you,
If this kid is mine,
139
00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:39,099
Then I want to see
That he's fed,
140
00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:41,502
That he's clothed,
And he's educated.
141
00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:44,004
You know, I'm gonna
Take him to
Little league games, too.
142
00:06:44,004 --> 00:06:47,575
I'm gonna be the best
Damn father you've
Ever seen.
143
00:06:47,575 --> 00:06:49,076
Please don't
Let him be mine!
144
00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:53,881
Oh! I tell you,
If I get out of this,
145
00:06:53,881 --> 00:06:54,815
I swear to god,
146
00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:56,684
I am through
Fooling around forever.
147
00:06:56,684 --> 00:06:58,586
Sam, don't swear to god.
148
00:06:58,586 --> 00:07:00,554
No, I mean it.
I mean it.
If I get out of this,
149
00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:05,125
I swear to god, I'll
Never have sex again.
150
00:07:05,125 --> 00:07:07,094
You? "Never?"
151
00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:09,897
Yeah, not ever.
I mean, for the rest...
152
00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:14,034
Well, 3 months,
3 months.
153
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:16,770
Well, I guess
The amount of sex
You have in 3 months
154
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:19,640
Is what most people
Have in a lifetime.
155
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:20,941
If they're
Attractive, I guess.
156
00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:25,012
You have a phone call
From denise.
157
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:32,385
Carla, you know
That pitcher
Of beer
158
00:07:32,385 --> 00:07:33,754
You left
On your tray?
159
00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:36,189
Some guy from
Table 6 came
And drank it.
160
00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:39,059
We don't have
A table 6.
161
00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:40,694
I knew I should have
Said table 5.
162
00:07:44,264 --> 00:07:46,033
Hello?
163
00:07:46,033 --> 00:07:47,568
Hi, denise.
164
00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:49,870
What did
The doctor say?
165
00:07:49,870 --> 00:07:51,271
Oh, thank god,
Oh, thank god,
166
00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:53,106
Oh, thank god! Oh!
167
00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:54,608
Oh, I'm so happy!
168
00:07:54,608 --> 00:07:58,178
Well, I'm so happy
For the other guy. Yeah.
169
00:07:58,178 --> 00:07:59,913
Congratulations, huh?
170
00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:02,449
Well, I'll call you
Some other time, then,
All right?
171
00:08:02,449 --> 00:08:04,351
Bye-bye.
172
00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:06,186
Doctor, sam?
173
00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:07,087
Uh, yeah.
174
00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:10,591
Uh, denise and I
And this other guy
175
00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:12,392
Share the same doctor.
176
00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:13,994
She just wanted to
Let me know that
177
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:18,799
He'd gotten
Some new magazines
In the waiting room.
178
00:08:18,799 --> 00:08:20,400
Ooh, you lucky dog!
179
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,603
Must be the
"Sports illustrated"
Swimsuit issue.
180
00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:29,943
Say, suzanne,
What do you say?
181
00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:32,580
You want to help me
Celebrate here?
182
00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:34,414
I'd love to.
What are we celebrating?
183
00:08:34,414 --> 00:08:37,017
I have no idea,
But whatever it is,
We're overdressed.
184
00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:42,455
Ahem! Sam, aren't
You forgetting
Something?
185
00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:44,391
I know, I know.
I'm gonna drop by
The old drugstore.
186
00:08:44,391 --> 00:08:47,527
Don't worry.
I learned my lesson.
187
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,396
Could you wait
Just one second?
188
00:08:49,396 --> 00:08:50,430
What?
189
00:08:50,430 --> 00:08:53,033
Does the name god
Ring a bell?
190
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:53,934
Yeah.
191
00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:56,837
The guy
You made a vow to?
192
00:08:56,837 --> 00:09:00,207
Oh, yeah, boy!
I almost forgot about that.
193
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:01,609
That's no big thing.
194
00:09:01,609 --> 00:09:03,310
No big thing?
195
00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:06,780
Come on, god's a sport.
196
00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:08,749
People make promises
Like that all the time,
197
00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:10,751
But if god had to collect
On all of them,
198
00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:13,687
He wouldn't have any time
To create natural wonders
199
00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:15,255
Like that, for instance.
200
00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:17,290
So you'll...
Oh, boy.
201
00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:18,792
Give me
A minute here.
202
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:20,594
Sammy, I don't want to tell you
How to run your life,
203
00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:22,462
But I want
To tell you this.
204
00:09:22,462 --> 00:09:24,598
Don't mess with god.
205
00:09:24,598 --> 00:09:26,834
Look at all the people
In the bible who did.
206
00:09:26,834 --> 00:09:30,137
The entire population
Of sodom and gomorrah.
207
00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:31,071
Lot's wife--
208
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:33,206
Turned into
A salt lick with boobs.
209
00:09:36,644 --> 00:09:38,846
Come on.
What's he going to do,
210
00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:43,283
Reach down from the clouds
And snatch me up?
211
00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:44,718
Halt, infidel!
212
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:06,139
Sorry, sam. I was just
At an understudy rehearsal.
213
00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:10,210
I thought you might
Get a kick out of
My costume.
214
00:10:10,210 --> 00:10:11,244
You ought to warn people
215
00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:14,715
Before you go around
Pretending to be god.
216
00:10:14,715 --> 00:10:16,149
You thought I was god?
217
00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:19,452
Thanks. I was only
Trying to be moses.
218
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:23,523
Hey, guys,
He thought I was god!
219
00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:25,058
Sam, can we go now?
220
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:26,026
Yeah, you bet.
221
00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:29,730
No, sam.
He has sent
His messenger.
222
00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:32,599
What messenger?
That is just woody.
223
00:10:32,599 --> 00:10:34,067
You think
It's a coincidence
224
00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:36,469
That woody came in
Just at that
Very moment
225
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:37,871
Dressed as moses?
226
00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:40,007
I mean, of all
The places he
Could have been in.
227
00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:42,375
Sam, he could
Have been dressed
As auntie mame.
228
00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:44,277
Would that
Have scared you?
229
00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:47,180
Yeah, a little.
230
00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:49,516
Let's face it, sam.
That was a warning,
231
00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:53,854
And you'd better
Take heed!
232
00:10:53,854 --> 00:10:56,990
Oh, come on.
What's he going to do?
233
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,325
Well...
234
00:10:58,325 --> 00:11:02,529
My cousin tino swore
He'd give up meat.
235
00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:04,698
That night,
He ate a burger.
236
00:11:04,698 --> 00:11:06,566
The next day,
His teeth fell out.
237
00:11:06,566 --> 00:11:09,636
Oh, come on, carla,
There's no connection here.
238
00:11:09,636 --> 00:11:12,405
I swore I would
Not have sex, so...
239
00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:13,306
Ohh.
240
00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:22,649
Listen, I-I-I'm
Not really in
The mood anymore.
241
00:11:22,649 --> 00:11:24,952
Why not?
242
00:11:24,952 --> 00:11:29,957
Carla's cousin tino's
Teeth fell out.
243
00:11:29,957 --> 00:11:32,793
Yeah, well, maybe
Some other time.
244
00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:34,494
Why don't you
Give me a call?
245
00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:35,763
I don't have
Your number.
246
00:11:35,763 --> 00:11:36,864
Perfect.
247
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:44,571
Are you satisfied,
God's little helper?
248
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:48,008
Oh, listen, sam,
In the interest
Of authenticity,
249
00:11:48,008 --> 00:11:51,278
You think there's any way
I could sound less like god
And more like moses?
250
00:11:51,278 --> 00:11:54,314
Yeah.
Stop going around
Scaring people.
251
00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:55,548
That's good.
That's good.
252
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:56,850
Now, how about the voice?
253
00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:05,058
Now, sit down.
254
00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:09,096
Now, how can I
Be of help?
255
00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:12,165
Well, I would like
Your advice, father.
256
00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:15,402
Actually, it's for
A friend of mine.
257
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:17,037
He, uh...
258
00:12:17,037 --> 00:12:19,506
Got himself
Into kind of a bind,
259
00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:22,175
And so, in desperation,
260
00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:25,078
Promised god
He'd give up something.
261
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:29,182
And what did he
Promise to give up?
262
00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:32,119
Sweets.
263
00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:35,388
Oh. I see.
264
00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:39,092
Yeah, but my friend really
Likes sweets a lot...
265
00:12:40,794 --> 00:12:43,931
And sweets
Like him a lot.
266
00:12:43,931 --> 00:12:46,666
He hasn't had sweets now
For about two weeks,
267
00:12:46,666 --> 00:12:51,905
And if he doesn't
Have sweets soon,
He's gonna explode.
268
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:55,042
I see. And god's
Contractual obligation
269
00:12:55,042 --> 00:12:57,677
Was to get your friend
Out of this bind
You spoke of.
270
00:12:57,677 --> 00:13:00,613
Yes, sir,
Which he did.
271
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,916
Well, then,
What is the problem?
272
00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:05,252
Well, my friend
Was wondering
273
00:13:05,252 --> 00:13:08,388
What the penalty
Would be if he, say,
274
00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:13,193
You know, had a huge
Box of chocolates.
275
00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:16,196
Sam, I think
This is between
You and your god.
276
00:13:18,498 --> 00:13:20,934
Yeah. Right.
277
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:22,769
Well, how--
278
00:13:22,769 --> 00:13:24,204
How did you know
It was me?
279
00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:25,605
In all the years
People have been
280
00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:27,240
Coming here for
Their friends,
281
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:31,344
I have never met one
Of their friends.
282
00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:34,114
Well, as long as
I'm busted,
283
00:13:34,114 --> 00:13:36,116
I guess I might as well
Tell you the truth here.
284
00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:39,119
I didn't promise
To give up sweets,
285
00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:41,788
I promised
To give up sex.
286
00:13:41,788 --> 00:13:45,325
Ah, that is a tough one.
287
00:13:47,995 --> 00:13:49,496
You know, sam,
288
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:53,566
The church does
Recommend chastity
To unmarried people.
289
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,006
Oh, I'm sorry.
You were serious. Um...
290
00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:03,076
How do you do that?
291
00:14:03,076 --> 00:14:04,577
I mean,
What do you do?
292
00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:06,079
How do you not?
293
00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:08,115
I mean,
Are there special tricks
294
00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:13,486
Or a certain way
Of sitting, maybe?
295
00:14:13,486 --> 00:14:14,587
Well, yes,
296
00:14:14,587 --> 00:14:18,391
But we are
Strictly forbidden
To reveal it.
297
00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:19,726
You're kidding.
298
00:14:19,726 --> 00:14:21,294
Yes.
299
00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:22,229
Oh.
300
00:14:25,832 --> 00:14:28,568
You know, sam,
I think you're
Looking for someone
301
00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:32,105
To tell you
It's all right
To break your vow,
302
00:14:32,105 --> 00:14:34,641
But I can't do that.
303
00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:36,509
You know,
I've found that
304
00:14:36,509 --> 00:14:40,213
People who come here
Looking for answers
305
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:41,848
Usually know
What the answer is,
306
00:14:41,848 --> 00:14:44,884
And I think
You do, too.
307
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,853
Yeah, maybe.
308
00:14:46,853 --> 00:14:48,688
Well, thank you.
309
00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:49,656
Oh.
310
00:14:49,656 --> 00:14:50,557
Oh, no, no.
311
00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:58,565
Carla, carla,
Oh, great.
312
00:14:58,565 --> 00:14:59,566
Look, I think
I got it.
313
00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:01,634
God's gonna have to
Accept this one.
314
00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:04,404
"With the lord,
One day is as
A thousand years,
315
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:08,908
"And a thousand
Years is as
One day."
316
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,643
So?
So, that means
317
00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:14,114
I've been out of
Action for
21,000 years.
318
00:15:14,114 --> 00:15:15,815
That's gotta be
Good enough for him.
319
00:15:15,815 --> 00:15:17,617
Sam, I'd like
To agree with you,
320
00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:20,487
Since you're so pathetic
It's annoying,
321
00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:21,754
But no sale.
322
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:25,258
All right, all right.
I still got
Deuteronomy here.
323
00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:30,263
Don't look, sammy.
Temptation at 12:00.
324
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:32,799
Oh.
325
00:15:32,799 --> 00:15:34,401
Oh, oh, god.
326
00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:37,637
Man, they're
Coming in waves.
327
00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:40,440
[telephone ringing]
328
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,909
Cheers.
329
00:15:42,909 --> 00:15:46,013
This is him.
330
00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:51,451
You're kidding.
Moses has an ear infection.
331
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:54,321
All right! Yeah.
I'll be right there.
332
00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:56,223
So, woody, they're
Gonna let you go on?
333
00:15:56,223 --> 00:15:57,924
No. I got to stop by
The drugstore
334
00:15:57,924 --> 00:15:59,292
And pick up
Some antibiotics.
335
00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:04,931
So, believe it or not,
I've given up sex entirely,
336
00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:07,300
But you gotta promise
Not to tell anybody.
337
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:10,503
Sam, confidentiality
Is the bedrock
Of my profession.
338
00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:12,639
Besides,
Who'd believe me?
339
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:13,940
You were saying?
340
00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:17,844
Well, I was just
Wondering what you think
I ought to do.
341
00:16:17,844 --> 00:16:21,414
Well, you need to find
Another outlet for your
Sexual energies.
342
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:22,715
For example...
343
00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:27,054
During 6 painfully
Frustrating months
Of my adolescence,
344
00:16:27,054 --> 00:16:30,290
I built a submarine
In our basement.
345
00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:31,891
One of those little
Plastic models?
346
00:16:31,891 --> 00:16:33,293
No. Life-size.
Slept 6.
347
00:16:35,228 --> 00:16:36,896
The happiest
Hours of my youth
Were spent down there
348
00:16:36,896 --> 00:16:40,900
In the dark
Shouting, "Fire one!"
349
00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:43,936
"Fire two!"
350
00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:46,206
Well, enough about me.
351
00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:48,208
Let's address
This problem, sam.
352
00:16:48,208 --> 00:16:50,543
Well, I don't
Know anything
About submarines.
353
00:16:50,543 --> 00:16:52,612
Surely, you have
Other interests.
354
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,981
Sports, sailing, music?
355
00:16:54,981 --> 00:16:58,218
Well, yeah, I had
A piano lesson once.
356
00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:02,989
Actually, I had
The piano teacher,
And it was twice.
357
00:17:02,989 --> 00:17:04,591
I liked it.
358
00:17:04,591 --> 00:17:07,994
Well, I tell you.
If you were to sit down
At the piano today
359
00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:10,163
And channel
Your energies into it,
360
00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:11,964
You would find
All your sexual tensions
361
00:17:11,964 --> 00:17:13,833
Pouring out
Through your fingertips.
362
00:17:13,833 --> 00:17:16,103
Yeah. Fingertips.
Yeah, right.
363
00:17:16,103 --> 00:17:17,837
And best of all, sam,
364
00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:19,639
No matter how badly
You perform,
365
00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:21,341
A piano never laughs,
366
00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:22,675
Never stomps out
Of the room
367
00:17:22,675 --> 00:17:27,314
And refuses to
Let you play again
For 3 days.
368
00:17:27,314 --> 00:17:29,048
Well...
I'm off to lilith.
369
00:17:33,853 --> 00:17:37,056
Sam, would you please
Lock up?
370
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:38,658
I'm going
Home to bed.
371
00:17:38,658 --> 00:17:39,559
Ok.
Good night.
372
00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:44,364
Did you hear me?
373
00:17:44,364 --> 00:17:46,499
I said I'm going
To go to bed.
374
00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:49,769
Well, I hope you get
A good night's
Sleep.
375
00:17:49,769 --> 00:17:50,703
Thank you.
376
00:17:52,305 --> 00:17:55,074
Carla, I just
Left myself wide open
377
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,909
For one of sam's
Sleazy remarks,
378
00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:58,511
And nothing.
379
00:17:58,511 --> 00:17:59,679
I mean,
Not that I want to,
380
00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:01,080
But what does it mean
381
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:05,752
When you can't turn on
The horniest guy
That ever lived?
382
00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,487
I am really getting old.
383
00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:09,756
Rebecca,
Would you stop
Being ridiculous?
384
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,992
You're still
A young, beautiful,
Vibrant woman
385
00:18:12,992 --> 00:18:14,894
With a whole life
Ahead of her.
386
00:18:14,894 --> 00:18:16,629
Are you
Just saying that?
387
00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:17,530
Yes, I am.
388
00:18:19,399 --> 00:18:21,268
I was taught
To humor old folks.
389
00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:29,276
Carla, I can't
Take this anymore.
390
00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:30,577
I mean,
I've tried everything.
391
00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:32,179
I've stopped
Eating oysters.
392
00:18:32,179 --> 00:18:33,546
I'm taking cold showers.
393
00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:37,384
I even started stuffing
Ice in my pockets.
394
00:18:37,384 --> 00:18:39,018
I tell you,
I'm not gonna make it.
395
00:18:39,018 --> 00:18:40,620
Oh, sammy, buck up.
396
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,555
You only have 9
More weeks to go.
397
00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:43,856
I'm talking about tonight.
398
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:54,867
Guess who.
399
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:55,835
Uh-oh.
400
00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:57,036
I'll give you a hint--
401
00:18:57,036 --> 00:19:01,174
Vermont ski lodge,
A roaring fire,
And baby oil.
402
00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:02,942
Uh...
403
00:19:02,942 --> 00:19:04,477
Could you be
More specific?
404
00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:08,080
Gravity boots.
405
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:10,783
Oh, rachel patterson.
406
00:19:10,783 --> 00:19:12,552
Hi, sam.
How are you?
407
00:19:12,552 --> 00:19:14,120
Oh, oh, boy,
I tell you, honey,
408
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,255
You're the last person
In the world
409
00:19:15,255 --> 00:19:17,190
I want to see right now.
410
00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:19,259
Nice to see you, too.
411
00:19:19,259 --> 00:19:22,128
Listen, I have got
An 18-hour layover,
412
00:19:22,128 --> 00:19:24,831
And I'm not
The least bit sleepy.
413
00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:26,999
How would you like
To help me kill some time?
414
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,769
Listen,
Actually, I hear
415
00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:31,504
Movies are good for
That kind of thing.
416
00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:32,839
Why don't you--
Why don't you
417
00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:36,709
Take in about
Two or 3 right in
A row there.
418
00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:38,945
I know.
Smell.
419
00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:40,079
I'm wearing that perfume
420
00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:42,215
That always
Drove you so crazy.
421
00:19:42,215 --> 00:19:44,251
Oh. "Devastation," huh?
422
00:19:46,553 --> 00:19:49,422
Actually, I got this,
Uh, this head cold.
423
00:19:49,422 --> 00:19:51,824
I wouldn't want you
To catch it.
424
00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:54,193
I-I'm sorry.
425
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:56,829
What do you say?
Some other time?
426
00:19:56,829 --> 00:19:57,964
Well...
427
00:19:57,964 --> 00:20:00,132
Ok.
428
00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:02,001
Oh, sam...
429
00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:03,069
Yeah?
430
00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:04,170
A friend of mine
Snapped this
431
00:20:04,170 --> 00:20:06,072
Of me on a beach
In ipanema.
432
00:20:06,072 --> 00:20:08,508
I thought
You might like a copy.
433
00:20:08,508 --> 00:20:09,442
Oh.
434
00:20:14,013 --> 00:20:16,283
Would you
Excuse me just for
A minute here?
435
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:22,289
Look at this.
436
00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:28,995
I mean,
This is not fair.
437
00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:30,497
I'm going for it.
438
00:20:30,497 --> 00:20:32,332
It's not like
I'm murdering anybody.
439
00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:35,802
I'm just gonna bring
A great deal of pleasure
To two people.
440
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:40,740
So if in your
Infinite wisdom
441
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:44,210
You feel you have
To spite me down,
442
00:20:44,210 --> 00:20:45,812
Please make it
Quick and painless.
443
00:20:48,281 --> 00:20:49,949
And if you could give me
About 3 hours,
444
00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:50,983
I'd appreciate it.
445
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:55,322
Ok.
446
00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:03,296
Sam?
447
00:21:06,966 --> 00:21:09,736
[sniff sniff]
448
00:21:09,736 --> 00:21:10,770
"Devastation."
449
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:17,810
The hound is loose.
450
00:21:17,810 --> 00:21:19,178
Please...
451
00:21:19,178 --> 00:21:20,380
Go easy on him.
452
00:21:29,456 --> 00:21:31,324
Sammy, now you've
Done it.
453
00:21:31,324 --> 00:21:35,762
There's nothing
In your future but
Frogs and locusts.
454
00:21:35,762 --> 00:21:39,366
Why did you
Have to go
And do it, sammy?
455
00:21:39,366 --> 00:21:40,700
I didn't do it.
456
00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:41,601
What?
457
00:21:41,601 --> 00:21:44,103
I didn't do it.
458
00:21:44,103 --> 00:21:46,238
We went to the hotel.
459
00:21:46,238 --> 00:21:48,140
She got into bed.
460
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:50,477
I got into bed with her.
461
00:21:50,477 --> 00:21:52,645
Then I was folding up
My socks--
462
00:21:52,645 --> 00:21:53,746
You fold up
Your socks?
463
00:21:53,746 --> 00:21:55,548
Sure.
I'm not an animal.
464
00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:01,454
Anyway...
465
00:22:01,454 --> 00:22:02,922
All of a sudden,
For no reason,
466
00:22:02,922 --> 00:22:07,226
I went over and I opened
The nightstand drawer,
467
00:22:07,226 --> 00:22:09,028
And there it was,
468
00:22:09,028 --> 00:22:11,163
Staring
Right up at me--
469
00:22:11,163 --> 00:22:12,699
The bible.
470
00:22:12,699 --> 00:22:15,635
Can you imagine that,
A bible in a hotel room?
471
00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:19,939
So we got out of there
Real quick,
472
00:22:19,939 --> 00:22:21,040
And we got another room,
473
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:24,844
And there it was again.
474
00:22:24,844 --> 00:22:27,414
I mean, we went
From hotel to hotel,
475
00:22:27,414 --> 00:22:30,383
And it just followed
Us wherever we went.
476
00:22:30,383 --> 00:22:33,152
Then it dawned on me--
477
00:22:33,152 --> 00:22:35,622
This was
A bona fide miracle.
478
00:22:35,622 --> 00:22:37,390
God was speaking
To me directly
479
00:22:37,390 --> 00:22:39,426
Through hotel nightstands.
480
00:22:41,794 --> 00:22:44,597
He works
In mysterious ways.
481
00:22:44,597 --> 00:22:47,199
Amen.
Amen.
482
00:22:47,199 --> 00:22:50,269
Excuse me, sam, but
In all the years
You played baseball
483
00:22:50,269 --> 00:22:51,971
Traveling throughout
The country,
484
00:22:51,971 --> 00:22:53,473
All the hotel rooms
You stayed in,
485
00:22:53,473 --> 00:22:54,874
Didn't you
Ever once noti--
486
00:22:54,874 --> 00:22:58,645
Frasier, sam
Was just telling us
About a miracle
487
00:22:58,645 --> 00:23:01,514
That affected him
Very deeply.
488
00:23:01,514 --> 00:23:03,516
Now, what was it that
You were noticing?
489
00:23:06,118 --> 00:23:07,887
They always
Put those little
Strips of paper
490
00:23:07,887 --> 00:23:10,657
Across the toilet.
491
00:23:10,657 --> 00:23:11,824
Just an observation.
492
00:23:14,961 --> 00:23:17,897
Sammy, I'm so
Proud of you.
493
00:23:17,897 --> 00:23:19,331
If you could
Hold out last night,
494
00:23:19,331 --> 00:23:21,067
You can make it
The whole 3 months.
495
00:23:23,335 --> 00:23:24,537
Sam, I'm late
For a party.
496
00:23:24,537 --> 00:23:25,872
Can you help me
With this zipper?
497
00:23:35,515 --> 00:23:38,150
Sam...Sam.
498
00:23:38,150 --> 00:23:39,118
Piano.
499
00:23:39,118 --> 00:23:40,186
Piano, sam.
500
00:23:40,186 --> 00:23:41,454
For god's sake, piano.
501
00:23:42,321 --> 00:23:44,457
[playing chopsticks]
35194
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