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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,836 --> 00:00:05,206 Sam: cheers is filmed Before a live studio audience. 2 00:00:05,206 --> 00:00:07,475 Woods, Refill, please. 3 00:00:07,475 --> 00:00:10,511 Yeah, sure. Whatever you want. 4 00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:14,248 Hey, hey. Why so down in the mouth There, bud? 5 00:00:14,248 --> 00:00:15,683 Well, I'm understudying Another play, 6 00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:17,285 And I know I'm never Going to get to go on 7 00:00:17,285 --> 00:00:19,987 Because the star Never gets sick. 8 00:00:19,987 --> 00:00:22,022 Darn it, the part Is perfect for me. 9 00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,724 Yeah? What is that part? 10 00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:24,625 Moses. 11 00:00:27,161 --> 00:00:29,130 My theater group is Doing an original play-- 12 00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:30,598 An evening With the prophets. 13 00:00:30,598 --> 00:00:31,965 Mm-hmm. 14 00:00:31,965 --> 00:00:35,303 I've got more lines Than any of The other israelites. 15 00:00:35,303 --> 00:00:38,239 But I managed to jam them All in, right up here. 16 00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:41,875 Yeah, your head looks Packed, all right. 17 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:43,844 Go on, test me. Give me a cue. 18 00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:46,180 All right. 19 00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:49,117 What's The first line? 20 00:00:49,117 --> 00:00:50,884 "And I have said I will bring you up 21 00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,286 "Out of the affliction Of egypt 22 00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:53,821 "Into the land Of the canaanites, 23 00:00:53,821 --> 00:00:56,924 "And the hittites, And the amorites, And the perizzites, 24 00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:59,493 And the hivites." 25 00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:00,561 Wait, wait, Wait, wait. 26 00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:02,563 What happened To the cellulites? 27 00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:09,337 They, uh, settled In the land of vera. 28 00:01:09,337 --> 00:01:10,804 Did you hear What he said? 29 00:01:15,276 --> 00:01:17,578 * makin' your way In the world today * 30 00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:20,581 * takes everything you've got * 31 00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:23,417 * takin' a break From all your worries * 32 00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:26,654 * sure would help a lot * 33 00:01:26,654 --> 00:01:32,560 * wouldn't you like To get away? * 34 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:34,595 * sometimes You wanna go * 35 00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:38,166 * where everybody Knows your name * 36 00:01:40,168 --> 00:01:43,337 * and they're always Glad you came * 37 00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:47,308 * you wanna be Where you can see * 38 00:01:47,308 --> 00:01:49,710 * our troubles Are all the same * 39 00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:55,149 * you wanna be where Everybody knows your name * 40 00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:57,618 * you wanna go Where people know * 41 00:01:57,618 --> 00:02:00,288 * people are all the same * 42 00:02:00,288 --> 00:02:04,458 * you wanna go where Everybody knows your name * 43 00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:25,879 Here we go. Thank you. 44 00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:27,315 Boy, what a day. Yeah? 45 00:02:27,315 --> 00:02:29,650 Yeah. I can't wait For it to end. 46 00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,018 All I can think about Is getting home 47 00:02:31,018 --> 00:02:32,553 And jumping into bed. 48 00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:34,355 Need anybody To break your fall? 49 00:02:37,090 --> 00:02:38,792 Hi. Sam malone. 50 00:02:38,792 --> 00:02:40,761 Hi. Suzanne porter. 51 00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:42,863 Sam, you done Picking up On this lady? 52 00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,535 Not quite, woody. 53 00:02:47,535 --> 00:02:48,702 I'm sorry To interrupt you, 54 00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:50,904 But denise called. 55 00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:53,774 Oh, denise. 56 00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:55,209 Who's denise? 57 00:02:55,209 --> 00:02:56,610 Um... 58 00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:59,112 My brother's Kid, de niece. 59 00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:00,080 I have to say hi To her 60 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:01,482 And de nephew. 61 00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:04,952 Hey, hey. Ha ha ha. 62 00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:08,489 Very smooth, Sam. 63 00:03:08,489 --> 00:03:10,123 So who's This denise, sam? 64 00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:13,427 She was somebody. We had quite a thing Going there a while ago. 65 00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:16,129 Then we both realized That sex wasn't anything 66 00:03:16,129 --> 00:03:18,131 To base A relationship on. 67 00:03:18,131 --> 00:03:21,068 6 months later, We broke up. 68 00:03:21,068 --> 00:03:22,270 She must be Quite a dish 69 00:03:22,270 --> 00:03:23,271 If you're Willing To pass up on 70 00:03:23,271 --> 00:03:24,772 Door number one Over there. 71 00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:27,140 It's kind Of like avocados. 72 00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:28,509 One of them's Ripe and ready 73 00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:31,011 To be squashed Into guacamole. 74 00:03:31,011 --> 00:03:33,781 The other one needs To stay on the shelf A little while longer. 75 00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:39,387 Anyway, call her back. She says it's urgent. 76 00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:42,456 The accent On urge, huh? 77 00:03:42,456 --> 00:03:44,558 Actually, you know, I think this is a call 78 00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:46,226 I should return In person. 79 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,695 Aw, sam. 80 00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:50,264 Hey. 81 00:03:50,264 --> 00:03:51,765 Where Are you going? 82 00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:54,335 To my niece's house. Her grandma's sick. 83 00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:55,736 If it's your Niece's grandma, 84 00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,471 Wouldn't that Be your mother? 85 00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:58,972 My mom's sick? Oh, my god! 86 00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:04,945 Excuse me. 87 00:04:04,945 --> 00:04:06,179 Why don't you Stick around For a little while? 88 00:04:06,179 --> 00:04:07,981 My mom bounces Right back. 89 00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:20,628 Hey, sam. Hey, back from The denise decathlon, huh? 90 00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:27,335 Heh heh. Got another gold medal In the broad jump? 91 00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:30,304 You know, you got A big mouth, clavin. 92 00:04:30,304 --> 00:04:33,407 He happens To be right, you know. 93 00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:35,776 It's a genetic quirk In the clavin family 94 00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,911 That we all have Two extra teeth. 95 00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:40,113 You see, that's the only way That we can prove 96 00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:45,152 That we are the rightful heirs To the russian throne. 97 00:04:45,152 --> 00:04:46,320 Hello in there, Cliff. 98 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:51,892 Tell me, what Color is the sky In your world? 99 00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:56,129 What's wrong? 100 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,566 I just want to be Left alone for A while, all right? 101 00:04:58,566 --> 00:05:00,300 You got it. Thank you. 102 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:03,103 Hey, everybody, sam Wants to be left alone. 103 00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:05,939 Ok, sammy, spill your guts. What's the matter? 104 00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:07,608 Carla, I just Said that I want-- 105 00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:09,643 Yeah, but you're gonna end up Telling me eventually, 106 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:12,279 So you might as well Get it over with. 107 00:05:12,279 --> 00:05:14,214 Go on. Make you feel better. 108 00:05:14,214 --> 00:05:16,884 Just keep this To yourself. 109 00:05:16,884 --> 00:05:19,119 Remember how I went over to Denise's house? 110 00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:23,156 Well, she didn't Invite me over For a good time. 111 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:25,659 She wanted to Show me something. 112 00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:27,795 What? 113 00:05:27,795 --> 00:05:29,196 My child. 114 00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:30,931 7 pounds, 10 ounces. 115 00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:31,999 A baby boy. 116 00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:35,068 [laughs] 117 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:43,210 What's so funny? 118 00:05:43,210 --> 00:05:44,845 Sam malone Finally got caught 119 00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:48,816 With his hand In the cookie jar. 120 00:05:48,816 --> 00:05:51,184 Carla, come on. This is serious. 121 00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:54,822 Oh, of course It is, sam, 122 00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:57,357 But I really think You're going to be ok, You know? 123 00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,727 Yeah? Just remember this. 124 00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:01,529 This little piggy Went to market... 125 00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:06,366 This is not funny. 126 00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,168 I'm sorry. 127 00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:09,937 You sure it's yours? 128 00:06:09,937 --> 00:06:12,440 No. It's between me And another guy, 129 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:13,507 But the kid's A real looker, 130 00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:18,746 So, you know, You figure it out. 131 00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:21,715 So when are you going To find out, dad? 132 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:24,084 Soon. She dragged me Down to a lab 133 00:06:24,084 --> 00:06:25,719 To have a blood test. 134 00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:27,020 Well, what's the big deal? You know, 135 00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:28,789 You could just do what All the other jerks do-- 136 00:06:28,789 --> 00:06:31,759 You pay a little Money for support And get off the hook. 137 00:06:31,759 --> 00:06:33,961 Carla, it means a lot More to me than that. 138 00:06:33,961 --> 00:06:36,497 I'm telling you, If this kid is mine, 139 00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:39,099 Then I want to see That he's fed, 140 00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:41,502 That he's clothed, And he's educated. 141 00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:44,004 You know, I'm gonna Take him to Little league games, too. 142 00:06:44,004 --> 00:06:47,575 I'm gonna be the best Damn father you've Ever seen. 143 00:06:47,575 --> 00:06:49,076 Please don't Let him be mine! 144 00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:53,881 Oh! I tell you, If I get out of this, 145 00:06:53,881 --> 00:06:54,815 I swear to god, 146 00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:56,684 I am through Fooling around forever. 147 00:06:56,684 --> 00:06:58,586 Sam, don't swear to god. 148 00:06:58,586 --> 00:07:00,554 No, I mean it. I mean it. If I get out of this, 149 00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:05,125 I swear to god, I'll Never have sex again. 150 00:07:05,125 --> 00:07:07,094 You? "Never?" 151 00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:09,897 Yeah, not ever. I mean, for the rest... 152 00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:14,034 Well, 3 months, 3 months. 153 00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:16,770 Well, I guess The amount of sex You have in 3 months 154 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:19,640 Is what most people Have in a lifetime. 155 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:20,941 If they're Attractive, I guess. 156 00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:25,012 You have a phone call From denise. 157 00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:32,385 Carla, you know That pitcher Of beer 158 00:07:32,385 --> 00:07:33,754 You left On your tray? 159 00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:36,189 Some guy from Table 6 came And drank it. 160 00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:39,059 We don't have A table 6. 161 00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:40,694 I knew I should have Said table 5. 162 00:07:44,264 --> 00:07:46,033 Hello? 163 00:07:46,033 --> 00:07:47,568 Hi, denise. 164 00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:49,870 What did The doctor say? 165 00:07:49,870 --> 00:07:51,271 Oh, thank god, Oh, thank god, 166 00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:53,106 Oh, thank god! Oh! 167 00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:54,608 Oh, I'm so happy! 168 00:07:54,608 --> 00:07:58,178 Well, I'm so happy For the other guy. Yeah. 169 00:07:58,178 --> 00:07:59,913 Congratulations, huh? 170 00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:02,449 Well, I'll call you Some other time, then, All right? 171 00:08:02,449 --> 00:08:04,351 Bye-bye. 172 00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:06,186 Doctor, sam? 173 00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:07,087 Uh, yeah. 174 00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:10,591 Uh, denise and I And this other guy 175 00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:12,392 Share the same doctor. 176 00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:13,994 She just wanted to Let me know that 177 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:18,799 He'd gotten Some new magazines In the waiting room. 178 00:08:18,799 --> 00:08:20,400 Ooh, you lucky dog! 179 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,603 Must be the "Sports illustrated" Swimsuit issue. 180 00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:29,943 Say, suzanne, What do you say? 181 00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:32,580 You want to help me Celebrate here? 182 00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:34,414 I'd love to. What are we celebrating? 183 00:08:34,414 --> 00:08:37,017 I have no idea, But whatever it is, We're overdressed. 184 00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:42,455 Ahem! Sam, aren't You forgetting Something? 185 00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:44,391 I know, I know. I'm gonna drop by The old drugstore. 186 00:08:44,391 --> 00:08:47,527 Don't worry. I learned my lesson. 187 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,396 Could you wait Just one second? 188 00:08:49,396 --> 00:08:50,430 What? 189 00:08:50,430 --> 00:08:53,033 Does the name god Ring a bell? 190 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:53,934 Yeah. 191 00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:56,837 The guy You made a vow to? 192 00:08:56,837 --> 00:09:00,207 Oh, yeah, boy! I almost forgot about that. 193 00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:01,609 That's no big thing. 194 00:09:01,609 --> 00:09:03,310 No big thing? 195 00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:06,780 Come on, god's a sport. 196 00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:08,749 People make promises Like that all the time, 197 00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:10,751 But if god had to collect On all of them, 198 00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:13,687 He wouldn't have any time To create natural wonders 199 00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:15,255 Like that, for instance. 200 00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:17,290 So you'll... Oh, boy. 201 00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:18,792 Give me A minute here. 202 00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:20,594 Sammy, I don't want to tell you How to run your life, 203 00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:22,462 But I want To tell you this. 204 00:09:22,462 --> 00:09:24,598 Don't mess with god. 205 00:09:24,598 --> 00:09:26,834 Look at all the people In the bible who did. 206 00:09:26,834 --> 00:09:30,137 The entire population Of sodom and gomorrah. 207 00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:31,071 Lot's wife-- 208 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:33,206 Turned into A salt lick with boobs. 209 00:09:36,644 --> 00:09:38,846 Come on. What's he going to do, 210 00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:43,283 Reach down from the clouds And snatch me up? 211 00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:44,718 Halt, infidel! 212 00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:06,139 Sorry, sam. I was just At an understudy rehearsal. 213 00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:10,210 I thought you might Get a kick out of My costume. 214 00:10:10,210 --> 00:10:11,244 You ought to warn people 215 00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:14,715 Before you go around Pretending to be god. 216 00:10:14,715 --> 00:10:16,149 You thought I was god? 217 00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:19,452 Thanks. I was only Trying to be moses. 218 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:23,523 Hey, guys, He thought I was god! 219 00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:25,058 Sam, can we go now? 220 00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:26,026 Yeah, you bet. 221 00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:29,730 No, sam. He has sent His messenger. 222 00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:32,599 What messenger? That is just woody. 223 00:10:32,599 --> 00:10:34,067 You think It's a coincidence 224 00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:36,469 That woody came in Just at that Very moment 225 00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:37,871 Dressed as moses? 226 00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:40,007 I mean, of all The places he Could have been in. 227 00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:42,375 Sam, he could Have been dressed As auntie mame. 228 00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:44,277 Would that Have scared you? 229 00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:47,180 Yeah, a little. 230 00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:49,516 Let's face it, sam. That was a warning, 231 00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:53,854 And you'd better Take heed! 232 00:10:53,854 --> 00:10:56,990 Oh, come on. What's he going to do? 233 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,325 Well... 234 00:10:58,325 --> 00:11:02,529 My cousin tino swore He'd give up meat. 235 00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:04,698 That night, He ate a burger. 236 00:11:04,698 --> 00:11:06,566 The next day, His teeth fell out. 237 00:11:06,566 --> 00:11:09,636 Oh, come on, carla, There's no connection here. 238 00:11:09,636 --> 00:11:12,405 I swore I would Not have sex, so... 239 00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:13,306 Ohh. 240 00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:22,649 Listen, I-I-I'm Not really in The mood anymore. 241 00:11:22,649 --> 00:11:24,952 Why not? 242 00:11:24,952 --> 00:11:29,957 Carla's cousin tino's Teeth fell out. 243 00:11:29,957 --> 00:11:32,793 Yeah, well, maybe Some other time. 244 00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:34,494 Why don't you Give me a call? 245 00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:35,763 I don't have Your number. 246 00:11:35,763 --> 00:11:36,864 Perfect. 247 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:44,571 Are you satisfied, God's little helper? 248 00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:48,008 Oh, listen, sam, In the interest Of authenticity, 249 00:11:48,008 --> 00:11:51,278 You think there's any way I could sound less like god And more like moses? 250 00:11:51,278 --> 00:11:54,314 Yeah. Stop going around Scaring people. 251 00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:55,548 That's good. That's good. 252 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:56,850 Now, how about the voice? 253 00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:05,058 Now, sit down. 254 00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:09,096 Now, how can I Be of help? 255 00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:12,165 Well, I would like Your advice, father. 256 00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:15,402 Actually, it's for A friend of mine. 257 00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:17,037 He, uh... 258 00:12:17,037 --> 00:12:19,506 Got himself Into kind of a bind, 259 00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:22,175 And so, in desperation, 260 00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:25,078 Promised god He'd give up something. 261 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:29,182 And what did he Promise to give up? 262 00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:32,119 Sweets. 263 00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:35,388 Oh. I see. 264 00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:39,092 Yeah, but my friend really Likes sweets a lot... 265 00:12:40,794 --> 00:12:43,931 And sweets Like him a lot. 266 00:12:43,931 --> 00:12:46,666 He hasn't had sweets now For about two weeks, 267 00:12:46,666 --> 00:12:51,905 And if he doesn't Have sweets soon, He's gonna explode. 268 00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:55,042 I see. And god's Contractual obligation 269 00:12:55,042 --> 00:12:57,677 Was to get your friend Out of this bind You spoke of. 270 00:12:57,677 --> 00:13:00,613 Yes, sir, Which he did. 271 00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,916 Well, then, What is the problem? 272 00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:05,252 Well, my friend Was wondering 273 00:13:05,252 --> 00:13:08,388 What the penalty Would be if he, say, 274 00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:13,193 You know, had a huge Box of chocolates. 275 00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:16,196 Sam, I think This is between You and your god. 276 00:13:18,498 --> 00:13:20,934 Yeah. Right. 277 00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:22,769 Well, how-- 278 00:13:22,769 --> 00:13:24,204 How did you know It was me? 279 00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:25,605 In all the years People have been 280 00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:27,240 Coming here for Their friends, 281 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:31,344 I have never met one Of their friends. 282 00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:34,114 Well, as long as I'm busted, 283 00:13:34,114 --> 00:13:36,116 I guess I might as well Tell you the truth here. 284 00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:39,119 I didn't promise To give up sweets, 285 00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:41,788 I promised To give up sex. 286 00:13:41,788 --> 00:13:45,325 Ah, that is a tough one. 287 00:13:47,995 --> 00:13:49,496 You know, sam, 288 00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:53,566 The church does Recommend chastity To unmarried people. 289 00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,006 Oh, I'm sorry. You were serious. Um... 290 00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:03,076 How do you do that? 291 00:14:03,076 --> 00:14:04,577 I mean, What do you do? 292 00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:06,079 How do you not? 293 00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:08,115 I mean, Are there special tricks 294 00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:13,486 Or a certain way Of sitting, maybe? 295 00:14:13,486 --> 00:14:14,587 Well, yes, 296 00:14:14,587 --> 00:14:18,391 But we are Strictly forbidden To reveal it. 297 00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:19,726 You're kidding. 298 00:14:19,726 --> 00:14:21,294 Yes. 299 00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:22,229 Oh. 300 00:14:25,832 --> 00:14:28,568 You know, sam, I think you're Looking for someone 301 00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:32,105 To tell you It's all right To break your vow, 302 00:14:32,105 --> 00:14:34,641 But I can't do that. 303 00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:36,509 You know, I've found that 304 00:14:36,509 --> 00:14:40,213 People who come here Looking for answers 305 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:41,848 Usually know What the answer is, 306 00:14:41,848 --> 00:14:44,884 And I think You do, too. 307 00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,853 Yeah, maybe. 308 00:14:46,853 --> 00:14:48,688 Well, thank you. 309 00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:49,656 Oh. 310 00:14:49,656 --> 00:14:50,557 Oh, no, no. 311 00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:58,565 Carla, carla, Oh, great. 312 00:14:58,565 --> 00:14:59,566 Look, I think I got it. 313 00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:01,634 God's gonna have to Accept this one. 314 00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:04,404 "With the lord, One day is as A thousand years, 315 00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:08,908 "And a thousand Years is as One day." 316 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,643 So? So, that means 317 00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:14,114 I've been out of Action for 21,000 years. 318 00:15:14,114 --> 00:15:15,815 That's gotta be Good enough for him. 319 00:15:15,815 --> 00:15:17,617 Sam, I'd like To agree with you, 320 00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:20,487 Since you're so pathetic It's annoying, 321 00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:21,754 But no sale. 322 00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:25,258 All right, all right. I still got Deuteronomy here. 323 00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:30,263 Don't look, sammy. Temptation at 12:00. 324 00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:32,799 Oh. 325 00:15:32,799 --> 00:15:34,401 Oh, oh, god. 326 00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:37,637 Man, they're Coming in waves. 327 00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:40,440 [telephone ringing] 328 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,909 Cheers. 329 00:15:42,909 --> 00:15:46,013 This is him. 330 00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:51,451 You're kidding. Moses has an ear infection. 331 00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:54,321 All right! Yeah. I'll be right there. 332 00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:56,223 So, woody, they're Gonna let you go on? 333 00:15:56,223 --> 00:15:57,924 No. I got to stop by The drugstore 334 00:15:57,924 --> 00:15:59,292 And pick up Some antibiotics. 335 00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:04,931 So, believe it or not, I've given up sex entirely, 336 00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:07,300 But you gotta promise Not to tell anybody. 337 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:10,503 Sam, confidentiality Is the bedrock Of my profession. 338 00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:12,639 Besides, Who'd believe me? 339 00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:13,940 You were saying? 340 00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:17,844 Well, I was just Wondering what you think I ought to do. 341 00:16:17,844 --> 00:16:21,414 Well, you need to find Another outlet for your Sexual energies. 342 00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:22,715 For example... 343 00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:27,054 During 6 painfully Frustrating months Of my adolescence, 344 00:16:27,054 --> 00:16:30,290 I built a submarine In our basement. 345 00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:31,891 One of those little Plastic models? 346 00:16:31,891 --> 00:16:33,293 No. Life-size. Slept 6. 347 00:16:35,228 --> 00:16:36,896 The happiest Hours of my youth Were spent down there 348 00:16:36,896 --> 00:16:40,900 In the dark Shouting, "Fire one!" 349 00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:43,936 "Fire two!" 350 00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:46,206 Well, enough about me. 351 00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:48,208 Let's address This problem, sam. 352 00:16:48,208 --> 00:16:50,543 Well, I don't Know anything About submarines. 353 00:16:50,543 --> 00:16:52,612 Surely, you have Other interests. 354 00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,981 Sports, sailing, music? 355 00:16:54,981 --> 00:16:58,218 Well, yeah, I had A piano lesson once. 356 00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:02,989 Actually, I had The piano teacher, And it was twice. 357 00:17:02,989 --> 00:17:04,591 I liked it. 358 00:17:04,591 --> 00:17:07,994 Well, I tell you. If you were to sit down At the piano today 359 00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:10,163 And channel Your energies into it, 360 00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:11,964 You would find All your sexual tensions 361 00:17:11,964 --> 00:17:13,833 Pouring out Through your fingertips. 362 00:17:13,833 --> 00:17:16,103 Yeah. Fingertips. Yeah, right. 363 00:17:16,103 --> 00:17:17,837 And best of all, sam, 364 00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:19,639 No matter how badly You perform, 365 00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:21,341 A piano never laughs, 366 00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:22,675 Never stomps out Of the room 367 00:17:22,675 --> 00:17:27,314 And refuses to Let you play again For 3 days. 368 00:17:27,314 --> 00:17:29,048 Well... I'm off to lilith. 369 00:17:33,853 --> 00:17:37,056 Sam, would you please Lock up? 370 00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:38,658 I'm going Home to bed. 371 00:17:38,658 --> 00:17:39,559 Ok. Good night. 372 00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:44,364 Did you hear me? 373 00:17:44,364 --> 00:17:46,499 I said I'm going To go to bed. 374 00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:49,769 Well, I hope you get A good night's Sleep. 375 00:17:49,769 --> 00:17:50,703 Thank you. 376 00:17:52,305 --> 00:17:55,074 Carla, I just Left myself wide open 377 00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,909 For one of sam's Sleazy remarks, 378 00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:58,511 And nothing. 379 00:17:58,511 --> 00:17:59,679 I mean, Not that I want to, 380 00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:01,080 But what does it mean 381 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:05,752 When you can't turn on The horniest guy That ever lived? 382 00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,487 I am really getting old. 383 00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:09,756 Rebecca, Would you stop Being ridiculous? 384 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,992 You're still A young, beautiful, Vibrant woman 385 00:18:12,992 --> 00:18:14,894 With a whole life Ahead of her. 386 00:18:14,894 --> 00:18:16,629 Are you Just saying that? 387 00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:17,530 Yes, I am. 388 00:18:19,399 --> 00:18:21,268 I was taught To humor old folks. 389 00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:29,276 Carla, I can't Take this anymore. 390 00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:30,577 I mean, I've tried everything. 391 00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:32,179 I've stopped Eating oysters. 392 00:18:32,179 --> 00:18:33,546 I'm taking cold showers. 393 00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:37,384 I even started stuffing Ice in my pockets. 394 00:18:37,384 --> 00:18:39,018 I tell you, I'm not gonna make it. 395 00:18:39,018 --> 00:18:40,620 Oh, sammy, buck up. 396 00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,555 You only have 9 More weeks to go. 397 00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:43,856 I'm talking about tonight. 398 00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:54,867 Guess who. 399 00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:55,835 Uh-oh. 400 00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:57,036 I'll give you a hint-- 401 00:18:57,036 --> 00:19:01,174 Vermont ski lodge, A roaring fire, And baby oil. 402 00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:02,942 Uh... 403 00:19:02,942 --> 00:19:04,477 Could you be More specific? 404 00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:08,080 Gravity boots. 405 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:10,783 Oh, rachel patterson. 406 00:19:10,783 --> 00:19:12,552 Hi, sam. How are you? 407 00:19:12,552 --> 00:19:14,120 Oh, oh, boy, I tell you, honey, 408 00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,255 You're the last person In the world 409 00:19:15,255 --> 00:19:17,190 I want to see right now. 410 00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:19,259 Nice to see you, too. 411 00:19:19,259 --> 00:19:22,128 Listen, I have got An 18-hour layover, 412 00:19:22,128 --> 00:19:24,831 And I'm not The least bit sleepy. 413 00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:26,999 How would you like To help me kill some time? 414 00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,769 Listen, Actually, I hear 415 00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:31,504 Movies are good for That kind of thing. 416 00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:32,839 Why don't you-- Why don't you 417 00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:36,709 Take in about Two or 3 right in A row there. 418 00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:38,945 I know. Smell. 419 00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:40,079 I'm wearing that perfume 420 00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:42,215 That always Drove you so crazy. 421 00:19:42,215 --> 00:19:44,251 Oh. "Devastation," huh? 422 00:19:46,553 --> 00:19:49,422 Actually, I got this, Uh, this head cold. 423 00:19:49,422 --> 00:19:51,824 I wouldn't want you To catch it. 424 00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:54,193 I-I'm sorry. 425 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:56,829 What do you say? Some other time? 426 00:19:56,829 --> 00:19:57,964 Well... 427 00:19:57,964 --> 00:20:00,132 Ok. 428 00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:02,001 Oh, sam... 429 00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:03,069 Yeah? 430 00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:04,170 A friend of mine Snapped this 431 00:20:04,170 --> 00:20:06,072 Of me on a beach In ipanema. 432 00:20:06,072 --> 00:20:08,508 I thought You might like a copy. 433 00:20:08,508 --> 00:20:09,442 Oh. 434 00:20:14,013 --> 00:20:16,283 Would you Excuse me just for A minute here? 435 00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:22,289 Look at this. 436 00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:28,995 I mean, This is not fair. 437 00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:30,497 I'm going for it. 438 00:20:30,497 --> 00:20:32,332 It's not like I'm murdering anybody. 439 00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:35,802 I'm just gonna bring A great deal of pleasure To two people. 440 00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:40,740 So if in your Infinite wisdom 441 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:44,210 You feel you have To spite me down, 442 00:20:44,210 --> 00:20:45,812 Please make it Quick and painless. 443 00:20:48,281 --> 00:20:49,949 And if you could give me About 3 hours, 444 00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:50,983 I'd appreciate it. 445 00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:55,322 Ok. 446 00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:03,296 Sam? 447 00:21:06,966 --> 00:21:09,736 [sniff sniff] 448 00:21:09,736 --> 00:21:10,770 "Devastation." 449 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:17,810 The hound is loose. 450 00:21:17,810 --> 00:21:19,178 Please... 451 00:21:19,178 --> 00:21:20,380 Go easy on him. 452 00:21:29,456 --> 00:21:31,324 Sammy, now you've Done it. 453 00:21:31,324 --> 00:21:35,762 There's nothing In your future but Frogs and locusts. 454 00:21:35,762 --> 00:21:39,366 Why did you Have to go And do it, sammy? 455 00:21:39,366 --> 00:21:40,700 I didn't do it. 456 00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:41,601 What? 457 00:21:41,601 --> 00:21:44,103 I didn't do it. 458 00:21:44,103 --> 00:21:46,238 We went to the hotel. 459 00:21:46,238 --> 00:21:48,140 She got into bed. 460 00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:50,477 I got into bed with her. 461 00:21:50,477 --> 00:21:52,645 Then I was folding up My socks-- 462 00:21:52,645 --> 00:21:53,746 You fold up Your socks? 463 00:21:53,746 --> 00:21:55,548 Sure. I'm not an animal. 464 00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:01,454 Anyway... 465 00:22:01,454 --> 00:22:02,922 All of a sudden, For no reason, 466 00:22:02,922 --> 00:22:07,226 I went over and I opened The nightstand drawer, 467 00:22:07,226 --> 00:22:09,028 And there it was, 468 00:22:09,028 --> 00:22:11,163 Staring Right up at me-- 469 00:22:11,163 --> 00:22:12,699 The bible. 470 00:22:12,699 --> 00:22:15,635 Can you imagine that, A bible in a hotel room? 471 00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:19,939 So we got out of there Real quick, 472 00:22:19,939 --> 00:22:21,040 And we got another room, 473 00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:24,844 And there it was again. 474 00:22:24,844 --> 00:22:27,414 I mean, we went From hotel to hotel, 475 00:22:27,414 --> 00:22:30,383 And it just followed Us wherever we went. 476 00:22:30,383 --> 00:22:33,152 Then it dawned on me-- 477 00:22:33,152 --> 00:22:35,622 This was A bona fide miracle. 478 00:22:35,622 --> 00:22:37,390 God was speaking To me directly 479 00:22:37,390 --> 00:22:39,426 Through hotel nightstands. 480 00:22:41,794 --> 00:22:44,597 He works In mysterious ways. 481 00:22:44,597 --> 00:22:47,199 Amen. Amen. 482 00:22:47,199 --> 00:22:50,269 Excuse me, sam, but In all the years You played baseball 483 00:22:50,269 --> 00:22:51,971 Traveling throughout The country, 484 00:22:51,971 --> 00:22:53,473 All the hotel rooms You stayed in, 485 00:22:53,473 --> 00:22:54,874 Didn't you Ever once noti-- 486 00:22:54,874 --> 00:22:58,645 Frasier, sam Was just telling us About a miracle 487 00:22:58,645 --> 00:23:01,514 That affected him Very deeply. 488 00:23:01,514 --> 00:23:03,516 Now, what was it that You were noticing? 489 00:23:06,118 --> 00:23:07,887 They always Put those little Strips of paper 490 00:23:07,887 --> 00:23:10,657 Across the toilet. 491 00:23:10,657 --> 00:23:11,824 Just an observation. 492 00:23:14,961 --> 00:23:17,897 Sammy, I'm so Proud of you. 493 00:23:17,897 --> 00:23:19,331 If you could Hold out last night, 494 00:23:19,331 --> 00:23:21,067 You can make it The whole 3 months. 495 00:23:23,335 --> 00:23:24,537 Sam, I'm late For a party. 496 00:23:24,537 --> 00:23:25,872 Can you help me With this zipper? 497 00:23:35,515 --> 00:23:38,150 Sam...Sam. 498 00:23:38,150 --> 00:23:39,118 Piano. 499 00:23:39,118 --> 00:23:40,186 Piano, sam. 500 00:23:40,186 --> 00:23:41,454 For god's sake, piano. 501 00:23:42,321 --> 00:23:44,457 [playing chopsticks] 35194

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