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1
00:00:02,535 --> 00:00:05,268
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
2
00:00:05,337 --> 00:00:06,465
Good night, Dan.
3
00:00:06,489 --> 00:00:08,809
And be careful going
home now, huh?
4
00:00:13,763 --> 00:00:16,997
Boy, that guy sure chewed
your ear off there, Coach.
5
00:00:17,065 --> 00:00:18,699
Yeah, but what a nice guy, Sam.
6
00:00:18,768 --> 00:00:20,033
Hey, you know something.
7
00:00:20,102 --> 00:00:21,635
That's the first
person I ever met
8
00:00:21,704 --> 00:00:23,470
that was actually
on the Titanic, Sam.
9
00:00:23,539 --> 00:00:26,023
He survived the Titanic?
10
00:00:26,091 --> 00:00:28,125
I forgot to ask.
11
00:00:29,595 --> 00:00:31,039
Coach, why didn't
you call me over?
12
00:00:31,063 --> 00:00:32,924
I would have loved to
have heard that story.
13
00:00:32,948 --> 00:00:34,876
Well, gee, Sam, I
figured you heard it.
14
00:00:34,900 --> 00:00:38,385
A big boat, it hit and
iceberg, bang, down it went.
15
00:00:38,454 --> 00:00:40,248
Listen, from now
on, when you hear
16
00:00:40,272 --> 00:00:42,672
an interesting story
like that, call me over.
17
00:00:42,708 --> 00:00:44,653
It's one of the
joys of bartending.
18
00:00:44,677 --> 00:00:45,804
You want to hear interesting?
19
00:00:45,828 --> 00:00:47,194
Forget the Titanic,
come over here.
20
00:00:47,263 --> 00:00:48,195
What, what, what?
21
00:00:48,264 --> 00:00:49,264
Glen, Glen, tell him
22
00:00:49,298 --> 00:00:50,625
what you told me
earlier, go ahead.
23
00:00:50,649 --> 00:00:52,099
Yeah, what, what?
24
00:00:52,168 --> 00:00:55,585
Uh, I know all the words
to the Bonanza theme song.
25
00:00:58,023 --> 00:00:59,823
Go ahead, let him hear it, Glen.
26
00:00:59,892 --> 00:01:03,410
♪ We got a right to pick
a little fight, Bonanza ♪
27
00:01:03,479 --> 00:01:05,962
♪ If anyone fights
anyone of us ♪
28
00:01:06,031 --> 00:01:08,060
♪ He's got to fight with me ♪
29
00:01:08,084 --> 00:01:11,918
♪ We're not a one to
saddle up and run, Bonanza ♪
30
00:01:11,987 --> 00:01:15,072
♪ Any one of us starts a little
fight knows he can trust on me ♪
31
00:01:15,141 --> 00:01:19,476
♪ One for four, four for
one this we guarantee ♪
32
00:01:19,545 --> 00:01:22,025
♪ One for four,
four for one... ♪
33
00:01:26,618 --> 00:01:29,019
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
34
00:01:29,088 --> 00:01:31,955
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
35
00:01:32,024 --> 00:01:34,825
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
36
00:01:34,894 --> 00:01:37,695
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
37
00:01:37,763 --> 00:01:41,915
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
38
00:01:44,437 --> 00:01:46,403
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
39
00:01:46,472 --> 00:01:51,274
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
40
00:01:51,343 --> 00:01:56,146
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
41
00:01:56,214 --> 00:01:58,649
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
42
00:01:58,717 --> 00:02:01,084
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
43
00:02:01,153 --> 00:02:06,289
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
44
00:02:06,358 --> 00:02:08,992
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
45
00:02:09,061 --> 00:02:11,461
♪ People are all the same ♪
46
00:02:11,530 --> 00:02:16,166
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
47
00:02:16,234 --> 00:02:20,237
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT PICTURES
48
00:02:36,071 --> 00:02:37,238
Howdy, sports fans.
49
00:02:37,306 --> 00:02:39,122
Norm!
50
00:02:39,208 --> 00:02:40,535
What'll it be, Norm?
51
00:02:40,559 --> 00:02:42,859
Fame, fortune, fast women.
52
00:02:42,928 --> 00:02:44,773
Yeah? How 'bout a beer?
53
00:02:44,797 --> 00:02:46,112
Even better.
54
00:02:46,181 --> 00:02:47,280
Woo-ooh.
55
00:02:47,349 --> 00:02:48,943
How's the search
for work going, Norm?
56
00:02:48,967 --> 00:02:50,283
I got good news.
57
00:02:50,352 --> 00:02:53,069
Uh, everybody, I'm no
longer looking for a job.
58
00:02:54,706 --> 00:02:56,690
I'm now begging for one.
59
00:03:02,748 --> 00:03:04,181
Well I don't believe this.
60
00:03:04,249 --> 00:03:05,182
What now?
61
00:03:05,250 --> 00:03:07,618
That was my mother on the phone.
62
00:03:07,687 --> 00:03:11,271
She just flew into town,
and she's coming over here.
63
00:03:11,339 --> 00:03:13,367
No kidding? Hey, we
finally get to meet her, huh?
64
00:03:13,391 --> 00:03:15,275
This is very strange.
65
00:03:15,344 --> 00:03:17,977
That you have a mother?
66
00:03:18,046 --> 00:03:19,930
No.
67
00:03:19,999 --> 00:03:23,250
That you have a mother
that wants to see you.
68
00:03:23,319 --> 00:03:24,518
No.
69
00:03:24,587 --> 00:03:26,019
That she's coming over here.
70
00:03:26,088 --> 00:03:28,188
I didn't think Mummy
would be caught dead
71
00:03:28,257 --> 00:03:29,539
in a place like this.
72
00:03:29,625 --> 00:03:31,686
What are we, too
grungy or something?
73
00:03:31,710 --> 00:03:36,079
Yeah, inside an
hour ago, I'm in a tub.
74
00:03:36,148 --> 00:03:37,847
You're taking this
all too personally
75
00:03:37,916 --> 00:03:39,182
and you shouldn't.
76
00:03:39,251 --> 00:03:41,769
Just that Mummy
doesn't like bars.
77
00:03:41,837 --> 00:03:44,082
Well, bars can be
very sad places.
78
00:03:44,106 --> 00:03:46,607
Some people spend
their whole lives in a bar.
79
00:03:46,675 --> 00:03:48,375
Just yesterday, some guy
80
00:03:48,444 --> 00:03:51,278
sat right here next
to me for 11 hours.
81
00:03:56,218 --> 00:03:58,551
Yeah, what kind
of a life is that, huh?
82
00:03:58,620 --> 00:03:59,914
Well, it's pitiful, you know?
83
00:03:59,938 --> 00:04:01,916
The sad thing is,
you know that guy
84
00:04:01,940 --> 00:04:04,152
is sitting in a bar
somewhere right now
85
00:04:04,176 --> 00:04:06,927
drinking a beer going
on and on about nothing.
86
00:04:08,798 --> 00:04:10,814
Diane, you know, if your
mom is anything like you
87
00:04:10,883 --> 00:04:12,148
everybody's going to love her.
88
00:04:12,217 --> 00:04:14,379
Oh, well, she's
nothing like I am.
89
00:04:14,403 --> 00:04:15,702
She's very eccentric,
90
00:04:15,771 --> 00:04:17,687
a little hard to take at times.
91
00:04:17,756 --> 00:04:20,373
Oh, yeah, worlds apart.
92
00:04:22,511 --> 00:04:24,345
Yeah, huh, hey, Diane,
93
00:04:24,413 --> 00:04:27,348
if your mother's so rich,
uh, how come you're not?
94
00:04:28,484 --> 00:04:30,084
I didn't want that money.
95
00:04:30,152 --> 00:04:32,064
I didn't want to go through life
96
00:04:32,088 --> 00:04:34,333
being handed
money on a silver tray.
97
00:04:34,357 --> 00:04:36,437
For you.
98
00:04:38,110 --> 00:04:40,210
Thank you.
99
00:04:43,265 --> 00:04:46,099
There she is, my little baby.
100
00:04:46,168 --> 00:04:47,217
Mummy.
101
00:04:49,955 --> 00:04:51,221
Hello, darling.
102
00:04:55,961 --> 00:04:57,472
They didn't even
get near each other.
103
00:04:57,496 --> 00:05:00,163
How could anyone
miss Diane's mouth?
104
00:05:01,567 --> 00:05:05,519
So, this is a bar.
105
00:05:05,587 --> 00:05:08,605
Yes, this is where I work.
106
00:05:09,775 --> 00:05:10,724
Um...
107
00:05:10,792 --> 00:05:12,459
let me introduce you, Mother.
108
00:05:12,527 --> 00:05:13,760
This is Sam...
109
00:05:13,829 --> 00:05:15,795
who wouldn't think of
saying anything embarrassing
110
00:05:15,865 --> 00:05:18,431
in front of my mother so
he wisely says nothing at all.
111
00:05:18,500 --> 00:05:20,067
How do you do?
112
00:05:20,135 --> 00:05:21,768
Uh... Hi.
113
00:05:21,837 --> 00:05:23,469
Um, this is Carla Tortelli.
114
00:05:23,538 --> 00:05:25,172
She says even less than Sam.
115
00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:26,807
And she's very, very busy.
116
00:05:26,875 --> 00:05:29,809
And, uh, down there we
have Norman, his friend Cliff.
117
00:05:29,878 --> 00:05:32,963
They lost their
tongues in the war.
118
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:37,450
Uh, oh, Ernie Pantusso,
but you can call him Coach.
119
00:05:37,519 --> 00:05:39,814
Or you can call me by
my other nickname, Red.
120
00:05:39,838 --> 00:05:40,703
Red?
121
00:05:40,772 --> 00:05:42,066
Yeah, during his playing days
122
00:05:42,090 --> 00:05:43,668
his teammate used
to call him Red.
123
00:05:43,692 --> 00:05:45,973
Oh, because your hair was red?
124
00:05:46,011 --> 00:05:48,545
Oh, no, ma'am.
Because I read a book.
125
00:05:51,934 --> 00:05:55,068
He's very sweet,
though. Very sweet.
126
00:05:55,137 --> 00:05:56,403
I just want to say it's nice
127
00:05:56,471 --> 00:05:58,116
to finally meet you,
Mrs. Chambers.
128
00:05:58,140 --> 00:05:59,973
It's nice to meet you, Sam.
129
00:06:00,042 --> 00:06:01,775
Diane's told me about you.
130
00:06:01,844 --> 00:06:05,879
You're almost as handsome
as she says you think you are.
131
00:06:10,252 --> 00:06:13,152
There's a compliment in
there someplace, I'm sure.
132
00:06:13,221 --> 00:06:16,539
Well, it's very nice of
you to come all this way.
133
00:06:16,608 --> 00:06:18,041
I thought so, too.
134
00:06:18,110 --> 00:06:19,804
But you know what tomorrow is?
135
00:06:19,828 --> 00:06:21,628
No. What?
136
00:06:21,696 --> 00:06:23,296
It's your wedding day.
137
00:06:23,365 --> 00:06:25,065
Congratulations.
138
00:06:27,386 --> 00:06:29,018
My what?
139
00:06:29,087 --> 00:06:31,555
If you're not married
before tomorrow,
140
00:06:31,623 --> 00:06:34,257
I lose my share of
your father's estate.
141
00:06:34,326 --> 00:06:36,543
My, God. Why?
142
00:06:36,612 --> 00:06:38,356
Darling, you see, when he died
143
00:06:38,380 --> 00:06:40,475
you were still a
little gawky girl.
144
00:06:40,499 --> 00:06:44,034
I mean, with your nose
in a book, and a terrible
145
00:06:44,102 --> 00:06:45,735
facial tic.
146
00:06:45,804 --> 00:06:48,771
Your father was...
147
00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:52,592
Your father was worried that
you would never find a mate
148
00:06:52,661 --> 00:06:54,661
and that you would
have a lonely life.
149
00:06:54,730 --> 00:06:58,998
So, he made me promise
that I would have you married
150
00:06:59,067 --> 00:07:03,036
ten years after the day he died.
151
00:07:03,105 --> 00:07:05,333
He even put it in his will.
152
00:07:05,357 --> 00:07:08,742
So if you're still
single, I'm cut off.
153
00:07:08,811 --> 00:07:11,361
But why have you waited
all this time to tell me?
154
00:07:11,430 --> 00:07:13,191
Father's been
dead for ten years.
155
00:07:13,215 --> 00:07:16,733
Well, you know how time
flies when you're having...
156
00:07:18,170 --> 00:07:19,669
Grief.
157
00:07:19,738 --> 00:07:22,189
Grief. Grief.
158
00:07:22,257 --> 00:07:26,259
So if I'm not married by
tomorrow, you'll be broke.
159
00:07:26,328 --> 00:07:27,972
Oh, put your mind at ease.
160
00:07:27,996 --> 00:07:29,276
I'll never be broke.
161
00:07:29,331 --> 00:07:31,832
I'll either be rich or dead.
162
00:07:31,900 --> 00:07:34,400
The choice is yours.
163
00:07:35,837 --> 00:07:38,688
Mother, you're seriously
asking me to get married?
164
00:07:38,757 --> 00:07:43,476
Well, my attorneys have assured
me that it need be in name only
165
00:07:43,545 --> 00:07:44,555
and just for a few days.
166
00:07:44,579 --> 00:07:46,246
There's no other way.
167
00:07:48,483 --> 00:07:51,218
Well, this is the craziest
thing Father ever did.
168
00:07:51,286 --> 00:07:54,488
Not even close, dear.
169
00:07:56,475 --> 00:07:57,608
Excuse me, madame.
170
00:07:57,676 --> 00:07:59,943
I dropped the
bags off at the hotel.
171
00:08:00,012 --> 00:08:01,292
Thank you, Boggs.
172
00:08:01,346 --> 00:08:02,879
Nice to see you, Boggs.
173
00:08:02,948 --> 00:08:05,782
I'd be honored if you'd
consent to be my wife.
174
00:08:08,653 --> 00:08:11,587
I said in a pinch, Boggs.
175
00:08:11,656 --> 00:08:12,589
Now wait over there.
176
00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:14,725
Yes, madame.
177
00:08:14,793 --> 00:08:17,294
Darling, think hard.
178
00:08:17,362 --> 00:08:18,573
There's so little time.
179
00:08:18,597 --> 00:08:20,408
Don't you know
anyone who'd be willing
180
00:08:20,432 --> 00:08:21,810
to marry you for a few days?
181
00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:24,200
Well, I'm afraid there's no one
182
00:08:24,269 --> 00:08:27,237
that I'm steadily
dating at the moment.
183
00:08:27,306 --> 00:08:30,891
Excuse me, uh... rich lady.
184
00:08:32,878 --> 00:08:35,779
You know, I couldn't help
overhearing your problems.
185
00:08:35,848 --> 00:08:38,548
Your daughter has a hot
thing for the bartender.
186
00:08:38,617 --> 00:08:40,100
I do not.
187
00:08:41,286 --> 00:08:44,821
She likes Red?
188
00:08:46,525 --> 00:08:49,509
He's dumb enough
to be your father.
189
00:08:49,578 --> 00:08:51,928
Not him, Sam.
190
00:08:51,997 --> 00:08:56,916
I care noth... I feel
nothing... Sam who?
191
00:08:56,985 --> 00:08:58,518
Hey, come off it.
192
00:08:58,587 --> 00:09:01,555
You know, we've all noticed
the way you two go around
193
00:09:01,623 --> 00:09:03,973
looking at each other
like lovesick cows.
194
00:09:04,042 --> 00:09:05,809
Admit it.
195
00:09:05,878 --> 00:09:08,511
He's got you steaming
under the silks.
196
00:09:11,483 --> 00:09:13,316
This happens to be my mother.
197
00:09:13,385 --> 00:09:16,653
Well that's why
I'm being delicate.
198
00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:18,689
Diane, is this true?
199
00:09:18,757 --> 00:09:21,068
How about the two of you?
200
00:09:21,092 --> 00:09:23,126
I'd rather marry Boggs.
201
00:09:23,195 --> 00:09:26,647
I could make you very happy.
202
00:09:28,416 --> 00:09:29,616
I'm sorry, Boggs.
203
00:09:29,684 --> 00:09:30,895
That's just a figure of speech.
204
00:09:30,919 --> 00:09:33,419
Thank you, miss.
205
00:09:33,488 --> 00:09:36,005
Diane, he's not a
bad-looking fellow.
206
00:09:36,074 --> 00:09:38,436
His cologne is an
affront to society,
207
00:09:38,460 --> 00:09:40,927
but what harm
would it do to ask?
208
00:09:40,996 --> 00:09:42,695
Mother, no.
209
00:09:42,764 --> 00:09:45,432
Darling, please.
210
00:09:45,501 --> 00:09:49,670
I wish I was as strong
as you are, but I'm not.
211
00:09:49,738 --> 00:09:54,290
Without money, I
don't think I can make it.
212
00:09:57,729 --> 00:09:58,995
All right, I'll ask him.
213
00:09:59,064 --> 00:10:00,914
Sam.
214
00:10:00,983 --> 00:10:02,365
What?
215
00:10:02,434 --> 00:10:04,867
May I speak with you
for a moment, please?
216
00:10:04,936 --> 00:10:07,387
Um...
217
00:10:08,973 --> 00:10:12,559
Uh, well, I-I might as
well just come to the point.
218
00:10:12,628 --> 00:10:14,027
That'd be nice.
219
00:10:14,095 --> 00:10:16,079
Would you be
willing to marry me?
220
00:10:16,147 --> 00:10:19,916
Boy, this cologne must be
doing its stuff, you know?
221
00:10:23,338 --> 00:10:26,606
Uh... you see,
222
00:10:26,675 --> 00:10:30,627
my very eccentric father
223
00:10:30,696 --> 00:10:34,547
put a very strange
clause into his will
224
00:10:34,616 --> 00:10:39,119
providing that if I'm
not married by tomorrow
225
00:10:39,187 --> 00:10:42,705
my mother will become destitute.
226
00:10:42,774 --> 00:10:44,891
So if you and I
could get married,
227
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:47,961
just, just long enough
to satisfy the attorneys,
228
00:10:48,030 --> 00:10:51,915
it would really help her out
and I would consider it a favor.
229
00:10:51,984 --> 00:10:53,333
I'd consider it a joke.
230
00:10:53,402 --> 00:10:55,752
Diane, marriage
and me do not mix.
231
00:10:55,821 --> 00:10:57,371
No, no, it's not marriage.
232
00:10:57,439 --> 00:10:58,938
It's only a business
arrangement.
233
00:10:59,007 --> 00:11:01,507
Just for a couple of days
and then we'll get divorced.
234
00:11:02,994 --> 00:11:05,962
Listen, I've been married
before, you haven't.
235
00:11:06,030 --> 00:11:08,898
Now just take my word on
this, marriage changes people.
236
00:11:08,967 --> 00:11:11,212
There's not a woman in the
world who can stand up there,
237
00:11:11,236 --> 00:11:13,013
hear those words and
not start believing it.
238
00:11:13,037 --> 00:11:16,306
Well that's a very
sexist thing to say.
239
00:11:16,374 --> 00:11:17,785
No, no, no, no, it's not sexist
240
00:11:17,809 --> 00:11:20,288
'cause there's not a man
that can resist it either.
241
00:11:20,312 --> 00:11:25,198
Why, Sam, that's a very
romantic thing to say.
242
00:11:26,818 --> 00:11:28,585
Yeah, but the difference is
243
00:11:28,654 --> 00:11:31,154
with men, they get
over it in an hour.
244
00:11:31,222 --> 00:11:33,923
With women, it kind
of goes on for years.
245
00:11:33,992 --> 00:11:37,844
If you're worried about me, I
am only doing this for my mother.
246
00:11:37,913 --> 00:11:39,629
Yeah, right.
247
00:11:39,698 --> 00:11:43,049
I promise you that I will not
feel any emotions toward you.
248
00:11:43,118 --> 00:11:44,801
I learned a long time ago
249
00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:48,071
never to trust anybody
wearing a wedding gown.
250
00:11:48,140 --> 00:11:50,139
Especially a woman, so just...
251
00:11:50,208 --> 00:11:52,325
Forget I asked.
252
00:11:52,394 --> 00:11:53,993
Hey, I'm sorry.
253
00:11:54,062 --> 00:11:56,829
Never mind. Never mind.
254
00:11:56,898 --> 00:11:58,648
I'm sorry, Mummy, he said no.
255
00:11:58,717 --> 00:12:00,833
Oh, dear.
256
00:12:00,902 --> 00:12:02,669
Oh, dear...
257
00:12:02,738 --> 00:12:05,204
Oh, hell.
258
00:12:08,076 --> 00:12:09,876
Okay, Diane.
259
00:12:09,945 --> 00:12:11,127
Okay what?
260
00:12:11,196 --> 00:12:14,797
Okay, we'll... get married.
261
00:12:14,866 --> 00:12:16,216
Really?
262
00:12:16,285 --> 00:12:17,850
Yeah, you bet.
263
00:12:17,919 --> 00:12:21,721
Oh, Mr. Malone, how wonderful.
264
00:12:24,259 --> 00:12:26,059
You're both wonderful.
265
00:12:26,127 --> 00:12:27,393
Thank you very much.
266
00:12:27,463 --> 00:12:29,395
I'm still rich.
267
00:12:29,465 --> 00:12:31,214
I'll get the justice.
268
00:12:31,282 --> 00:12:33,216
Come along, Boggs.
269
00:12:38,122 --> 00:12:39,922
Thank you for
changing your mind.
270
00:12:39,991 --> 00:12:41,157
You're welcome.
271
00:12:41,225 --> 00:12:42,892
I wanted to help out.
272
00:12:42,961 --> 00:12:45,562
What you're doing is very noble.
273
00:12:45,630 --> 00:12:46,896
Well, thank you.
274
00:12:46,965 --> 00:12:49,699
Where do you want to
go on our honeymoon?
275
00:12:54,289 --> 00:12:56,156
I should have known.
276
00:12:56,225 --> 00:13:00,293
As usual, Mr. Malone has
his brains caught in his zipper.
277
00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:24,628
Is this the first wedding
ever in Cheers, Coach?
278
00:13:24,652 --> 00:13:27,153
Nope. Frankie Flaherty
got married in this bar, Norm.
279
00:13:27,222 --> 00:13:28,454
Yeah?
280
00:13:28,523 --> 00:13:30,789
Yup. He met Janet right
down there at that corner,
281
00:13:30,858 --> 00:13:33,075
proposed to her right
here, right in front of me,
282
00:13:33,144 --> 00:13:34,493
they got married over there,
283
00:13:34,562 --> 00:13:36,529
had their first fight
up by the piano...
284
00:13:36,597 --> 00:13:39,482
she caught him in the
poolroom with a woman,
285
00:13:39,550 --> 00:13:41,367
shot him dead in the alley.
286
00:13:41,435 --> 00:13:43,798
Wow, that's an
incredible story. Really.
287
00:13:43,822 --> 00:13:46,121
Want to know where he's buried?
288
00:13:46,190 --> 00:13:47,940
Where?
289
00:13:48,009 --> 00:13:49,992
He ain't. He's cremated.
290
00:13:50,061 --> 00:13:51,272
Thank God.
291
00:13:51,296 --> 00:13:53,329
Here's his ashes.
292
00:13:57,268 --> 00:13:59,969
We've got the license!
293
00:14:00,038 --> 00:14:01,432
So, what took you so long?
294
00:14:01,456 --> 00:14:03,067
I thought while I
was down there,
295
00:14:03,091 --> 00:14:05,558
I'd, uh, pay my water bill
and register my bicycle.
296
00:14:05,626 --> 00:14:07,004
You know what they're asking
297
00:14:07,028 --> 00:14:08,539
for a bicycle license nowadays?
298
00:14:08,563 --> 00:14:10,263
Sam, shut up.
299
00:14:10,331 --> 00:14:13,633
Sorry, dear.
300
00:14:13,702 --> 00:14:15,580
I'd like to introduce you
301
00:14:15,604 --> 00:14:17,448
to Mr. Harrison Feedler,
302
00:14:17,472 --> 00:14:21,441
Justice of the Peace, who
will perform the ceremony.
303
00:14:23,060 --> 00:14:24,861
We need witnesses.
304
00:14:24,929 --> 00:14:28,448
Yup, every accident
needs some witnesses.
305
00:14:28,516 --> 00:14:31,795
Oh, Sam, Sam, please, I'd
be proud to be your best man.
306
00:14:31,819 --> 00:14:33,853
Oh, I'm honored,
Coach. Thank you.
307
00:14:33,922 --> 00:14:35,549
You know, the day
Diane walked in here,
308
00:14:35,573 --> 00:14:37,884
I knew the two of you were
going to get together, Sam.
309
00:14:37,908 --> 00:14:40,042
Coach, this is just temporary.
310
00:14:40,111 --> 00:14:44,096
Oh, I knew that, too.
311
00:14:44,165 --> 00:14:46,577
Tell me, how come
you never got married?
312
00:14:46,601 --> 00:14:49,802
Well, Norm, Coach...
it's unfair to ask a woman
313
00:14:49,871 --> 00:14:51,704
to be the wife of a mailman.
314
00:14:51,773 --> 00:14:54,207
You watch them
get up every morning,
315
00:14:54,275 --> 00:14:56,242
strapping on that old mailbag,
316
00:14:56,310 --> 00:14:59,112
going out and hitting
those mean streets,
317
00:14:59,180 --> 00:15:02,248
never knowing whether
he's coming back or not.
318
00:15:02,316 --> 00:15:03,894
Right. Somewhere out there
319
00:15:03,918 --> 00:15:06,352
is a beagle with
your name on it, huh?
320
00:15:09,523 --> 00:15:12,041
Excuse me, I think
we should begin.
321
00:15:12,109 --> 00:15:14,076
Are you ready, Mr. Feedler?
322
00:15:14,145 --> 00:15:15,188
Oh, I'm ready,
323
00:15:15,212 --> 00:15:17,692
and may I have the license?
324
00:15:19,517 --> 00:15:22,801
The groom's name is "Schwinn"?
325
00:15:22,870 --> 00:15:25,704
That's my bicycle license.
326
00:15:26,741 --> 00:15:28,925
Excuse me.
327
00:15:28,993 --> 00:15:32,095
Diane, do you think we
could lose the aprons?
328
00:15:32,163 --> 00:15:33,212
Oh, the aprons.
329
00:15:33,281 --> 00:15:34,424
Carla, the apron.
330
00:15:34,448 --> 00:15:35,760
Gee... didn't know
it was going to be
331
00:15:35,784 --> 00:15:37,549
this formel.
332
00:15:41,623 --> 00:15:42,955
You okay?
333
00:15:43,024 --> 00:15:44,257
I'm fine, fine.
334
00:15:44,325 --> 00:15:46,703
Just a business arrangement.
335
00:15:46,727 --> 00:15:49,173
I do appreciate it for
Mummy's sake, though.
336
00:15:49,197 --> 00:15:50,197
You're welcome.
337
00:15:50,265 --> 00:15:52,565
Just remember, no emotions.
338
00:15:52,634 --> 00:15:54,933
If I feel anything romantic,
339
00:15:55,002 --> 00:15:58,070
I will run screaming
from the room.
340
00:15:58,139 --> 00:16:01,674
And I will clear a path for you.
341
00:16:02,894 --> 00:16:06,212
Will the bride and groom
come forward, please?
342
00:16:06,281 --> 00:16:10,015
We are gathered here in the
presence of these witnesses
343
00:16:10,084 --> 00:16:13,419
for the purpose of
uniting in matrimony,
344
00:16:13,488 --> 00:16:16,021
Diane Chambers and Sam Malone.
345
00:16:16,090 --> 00:16:18,507
The contract of
marriage is most solemn,
346
00:16:18,576 --> 00:16:20,743
and not to be
entered into lightly,
347
00:16:20,812 --> 00:16:23,562
but thoughtfully and seriously,
348
00:16:23,631 --> 00:16:26,032
and with a deep realization
349
00:16:26,100 --> 00:16:29,785
of its obligations
and responsibilities.
350
00:16:29,853 --> 00:16:35,107
Any two people who have
come to this point clearly feel
351
00:16:35,176 --> 00:16:39,378
the love and joy that
they find in one another
352
00:16:39,446 --> 00:16:42,297
can surmount whatever obstacles
353
00:16:42,366 --> 00:16:45,017
lie in their path.
354
00:16:47,204 --> 00:16:50,122
Sam... do you take...
355
00:16:51,125 --> 00:16:52,405
Do you mind?
356
00:16:52,443 --> 00:16:55,878
What?
357
00:16:55,947 --> 00:16:56,879
Never mind.
358
00:16:56,948 --> 00:16:58,358
I'm sorry, please go on.
359
00:16:58,382 --> 00:17:00,883
Sam, do you take this
woman to be your lawf...
360
00:17:00,952 --> 00:17:02,351
What'd I do?
361
00:17:02,419 --> 00:17:04,319
I saw the leer.
362
00:17:04,388 --> 00:17:06,154
Leer? Oh, come on, Diane.
363
00:17:06,223 --> 00:17:07,656
Oh, please, please.
364
00:17:07,725 --> 00:17:09,520
Please go on; I'm sorry.
365
00:17:09,544 --> 00:17:12,778
Sam, do you take this
woman to be your lawful...
366
00:17:12,847 --> 00:17:14,163
Hey, she's...
367
00:17:14,232 --> 00:17:17,116
She's a customer
in my bar; I smiled.
368
00:17:17,184 --> 00:17:18,618
That's all. Go on.
369
00:17:18,686 --> 00:17:19,730
Uh...
370
00:17:19,754 --> 00:17:21,034
She's a woman.
371
00:17:22,773 --> 00:17:25,508
Well, I'll be darned; so she is.
372
00:17:25,576 --> 00:17:27,926
To have and to hold,
373
00:17:27,995 --> 00:17:29,322
from this time forward, in...
374
00:17:29,346 --> 00:17:30,278
You know, it was just a look.
375
00:17:30,347 --> 00:17:31,625
Oh, just a look?
376
00:17:31,649 --> 00:17:35,083
This is just a look;
this is what you did.
377
00:17:36,787 --> 00:17:39,154
Can we get on with the ceremony?
378
00:17:39,223 --> 00:17:40,834
To have and to hold...
379
00:17:40,858 --> 00:17:43,659
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait a minute.
380
00:17:43,728 --> 00:17:44,768
What's the big deal, here?
381
00:17:44,812 --> 00:17:46,112
I mean, you're
beginning to sound
382
00:17:46,180 --> 00:17:47,329
like my wife or something.
383
00:17:47,398 --> 00:17:49,693
Excuse me? We
are getting married.
384
00:17:49,717 --> 00:17:51,595
Now, I may not be
asking for 50 years
385
00:17:51,619 --> 00:17:53,364
of love, honor, and obey,
386
00:17:53,388 --> 00:17:56,522
but it would be nice,
if during the ceremony,
387
00:17:56,591 --> 00:17:57,871
you didn't drool.
388
00:17:59,277 --> 00:18:01,221
Boy, you know, you
really are demanding.
389
00:18:01,245 --> 00:18:02,361
I don't understand
390
00:18:02,429 --> 00:18:04,696
why you're trying to
make me so crazy!
391
00:18:04,765 --> 00:18:06,810
And I don't understand why
you have chosen this moment
392
00:18:06,834 --> 00:18:08,829
to demonstrate to everyone
your utter lack of class.
393
00:18:08,853 --> 00:18:11,465
Hey, look, I am the
one doing you the favor!
394
00:18:11,489 --> 00:18:13,300
Well, don't do me any
favors. Children, please.
395
00:18:13,324 --> 00:18:15,257
Hey, just butt out, Mom!
396
00:18:15,326 --> 00:18:16,503
You know, I'm beginning to think
397
00:18:16,527 --> 00:18:17,376
this is the stupidest
thing I ever did?!
398
00:18:17,445 --> 00:18:18,811
"Stupidest thing?"
399
00:18:18,879 --> 00:18:20,958
There is no stupidest
thing you ever did.
400
00:18:20,982 --> 00:18:23,009
Everything you
do is equally stupid.
401
00:18:23,033 --> 00:18:24,767
Including not throwing
you out of here
402
00:18:24,835 --> 00:18:26,435
the minute I saw
your stupid face!
403
00:18:26,503 --> 00:18:28,131
Sam, do you have
the ring? Hey...
404
00:18:28,155 --> 00:18:29,675
Shut up!
405
00:18:31,726 --> 00:18:33,075
All right, that's it.
406
00:18:33,144 --> 00:18:35,544
You're making a
mockery of marriage,
407
00:18:35,613 --> 00:18:36,812
and it's all my fault.
408
00:18:36,881 --> 00:18:38,776
There'll be no
wedding here today,
409
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:39,877
not between the two of you.
410
00:18:39,901 --> 00:18:42,168
Fine. Fine.
411
00:18:42,236 --> 00:18:43,697
I hate your guts,
and I always will.
412
00:18:43,721 --> 00:18:46,288
Yeah, well, that
goes double for me.
413
00:18:46,357 --> 00:18:48,957
I understand they
wrote their own vows.
414
00:18:57,685 --> 00:19:02,688
You know, 30 minutes
ago, I was a wealthy woman,
415
00:19:02,756 --> 00:19:05,357
and now I can't
pay for these drinks.
416
00:19:05,426 --> 00:19:08,110
Oh, don't worry about
it, the drinks are on me.
417
00:19:08,179 --> 00:19:09,723
I don't want your charity,
418
00:19:09,747 --> 00:19:11,458
and I don't want your pity,
419
00:19:11,482 --> 00:19:13,802
but I will take your money.
420
00:19:14,368 --> 00:19:19,955
Well, if it hadn't
been for dear old Dad
421
00:19:20,023 --> 00:19:21,023
and his...
422
00:19:21,092 --> 00:19:22,436
strange clause in the will,
423
00:19:22,460 --> 00:19:23,737
you would never have been
424
00:19:23,761 --> 00:19:24,805
in this predicament.
425
00:19:24,829 --> 00:19:25,861
Now, darling,
426
00:19:25,930 --> 00:19:27,396
you mustn't think
ill of your father.
427
00:19:27,465 --> 00:19:30,633
He was concerned;
he loved you very much.
428
00:19:30,702 --> 00:19:33,102
You know that, don't you?
429
00:19:34,505 --> 00:19:36,372
Yes, I guess I do.
430
00:19:36,441 --> 00:19:39,942
And in a strange way, I
think he loved me, too.
431
00:19:40,011 --> 00:19:42,945
Unfortunately, he
loved a good joke more.
432
00:19:43,014 --> 00:19:48,351
Spencer, wherever you are
tonight, I hope you're frying.
433
00:19:52,323 --> 00:19:54,089
You two are still here, huh?
434
00:19:55,926 --> 00:19:57,943
We'll lock up.
435
00:20:00,999 --> 00:20:03,599
How are we getting home?
436
00:20:05,670 --> 00:20:07,870
Um, how are we
getting home, Mummy?
437
00:20:07,938 --> 00:20:11,106
Oh, Boggs is waiting
outside to drive us.
438
00:20:19,850 --> 00:20:22,410
I'm sorry about this afternoon.
439
00:20:25,172 --> 00:20:26,405
I'm sorry, too.
440
00:20:27,875 --> 00:20:30,392
I told you, weddings
do weird things to me.
441
00:20:30,461 --> 00:20:34,763
Well, I must admit, I got
a little swept away myself.
442
00:20:36,367 --> 00:20:40,669
I think I owe you an apology,
too, Mrs. Chambers. I'm sorry.
443
00:20:40,738 --> 00:20:44,006
What I asked you
to do was unfair.
444
00:20:44,075 --> 00:20:45,841
You all right?
445
00:20:45,910 --> 00:20:49,027
Actually, I...
446
00:20:49,096 --> 00:20:51,831
I'm really quite afraid.
447
00:20:54,518 --> 00:20:56,018
Afraid of what, Mummy?
448
00:20:56,087 --> 00:20:59,538
I'm afraid of being poor.
449
00:20:59,607 --> 00:21:02,574
I was poor before
I met your father,
450
00:21:02,644 --> 00:21:07,746
and it took me years to really
forget how being poor felt.
451
00:21:09,734 --> 00:21:13,402
Excuse me, madame,
could I have a word?
452
00:21:13,470 --> 00:21:15,271
What is it, Boggs?
453
00:21:15,339 --> 00:21:17,172
I heard of your tragedy.
454
00:21:17,241 --> 00:21:20,276
I'd be honored if you'd
consent to be my wife.
455
00:21:20,344 --> 00:21:22,405
It's too late for that, Boggs.
456
00:21:22,429 --> 00:21:24,330
No, I meant you, madame.
457
00:21:26,617 --> 00:21:28,117
Why, Boggs...
458
00:21:28,185 --> 00:21:31,320
have you lost your mind?
459
00:21:32,990 --> 00:21:38,727
I mean, I've only accepted
your familiarity over the years
460
00:21:38,796 --> 00:21:42,548
because I was afraid
of class warfare.
461
00:21:42,616 --> 00:21:45,851
I am aware of that.
462
00:21:45,919 --> 00:21:48,020
However, in view
of the developments
463
00:21:48,088 --> 00:21:49,704
in the last half an hour
464
00:21:49,773 --> 00:21:54,327
our stations have, shall
we say, grown a little closer?
465
00:21:54,395 --> 00:21:55,877
Now, then, Boggs...
466
00:21:55,946 --> 00:21:57,997
Madame, it so happens,
467
00:21:58,065 --> 00:22:02,417
I have a considerable sum
of money stashed away.
468
00:22:02,486 --> 00:22:05,838
Really?
469
00:22:07,508 --> 00:22:08,991
Where did you get it, Boggs?
470
00:22:09,059 --> 00:22:11,059
From you and yours, madame.
471
00:22:11,129 --> 00:22:13,929
I've been embezzling
from your family
472
00:22:13,998 --> 00:22:16,798
for close to a
quarter of a century.
473
00:22:21,021 --> 00:22:26,425
Why, Boggs, how clever of you!
474
00:22:26,494 --> 00:22:30,029
Exactly how much
money do you have?
475
00:22:30,098 --> 00:22:31,813
As I recall my Emily Post,
476
00:22:31,882 --> 00:22:34,116
a lady does not
ask her chauffeur
477
00:22:34,185 --> 00:22:37,019
how much he stole
from her dead husband.
478
00:22:38,623 --> 00:22:42,491
Let us just say... I
am very comfortable.
479
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:47,195
Shall we go to dinner
and talk about the future?
480
00:22:49,884 --> 00:22:51,967
Bon appétit.
481
00:22:53,020 --> 00:22:57,156
You know, Boggs, I must confess,
482
00:22:57,224 --> 00:23:02,428
I've always found
the back of your head
483
00:23:02,496 --> 00:23:05,580
enormously attractive.
484
00:23:08,152 --> 00:23:10,819
I sensed it, madame.
485
00:23:10,888 --> 00:23:14,406
Uh, would you do
me a favor, madame?
486
00:23:14,475 --> 00:23:15,524
What's that?
487
00:23:15,592 --> 00:23:17,159
Would you drive?
488
00:23:19,296 --> 00:23:22,231
Oh... kinky!
489
00:23:34,094 --> 00:23:38,096
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