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1
00:00:03,352 --> 00:00:06,487
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
2
00:00:06,522 --> 00:00:08,388
Okay, closing time.
3
00:00:08,424 --> 00:00:09,557
Everybody out.
4
00:00:09,592 --> 00:00:10,624
Harry.
5
00:00:10,660 --> 00:00:12,426
Harry, how did you get in here?
6
00:00:12,461 --> 00:00:13,961
Came in the back door.
7
00:00:13,996 --> 00:00:16,229
I don't have a back door, Harry.
8
00:00:16,265 --> 00:00:18,632
Well, then, it's my secret.
9
00:00:20,219 --> 00:00:22,131
I've been serving him all night.
10
00:00:22,155 --> 00:00:23,120
Hey, Diane, you know
11
00:00:23,156 --> 00:00:24,621
I don't like this flimflam man
12
00:00:24,657 --> 00:00:25,772
hanging around my bar.
13
00:00:25,808 --> 00:00:30,060
Oh, Sam, that's
a bit unfair, isn't it?
14
00:00:30,095 --> 00:00:31,440
Anyone with half a brain
15
00:00:31,464 --> 00:00:33,731
can see through
his petty little scams
16
00:00:33,766 --> 00:00:35,182
and tricks.
17
00:00:35,217 --> 00:00:36,217
You're too kind.
18
00:00:36,252 --> 00:00:37,267
Thanks.
19
00:00:38,087 --> 00:00:39,127
I hope he doesn't try
20
00:00:39,155 --> 00:00:40,949
to pull anything
on you, that's all.
21
00:00:40,973 --> 00:00:42,406
Me?!
22
00:00:42,441 --> 00:00:44,441
It is to laugh.
23
00:00:46,212 --> 00:00:47,594
Diane, you know, I like you.
24
00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:48,729
You're a smart cookie.
25
00:00:48,765 --> 00:00:50,030
Let me help you clean up.
26
00:00:50,065 --> 00:00:52,500
You got to keep the
cover on this table,
27
00:00:52,535 --> 00:00:54,635
you know, when
you're not using it,
28
00:00:54,670 --> 00:00:57,971
because the heat from
the lights will crack the felt.
29
00:00:58,007 --> 00:00:59,273
You got to take care of it.
30
00:00:59,308 --> 00:01:00,123
The table...
31
00:01:00,158 --> 00:01:00,924
Harry.
32
00:01:00,959 --> 00:01:01,759
Harry.
33
00:01:01,794 --> 00:01:03,059
I... I'll take care of it.
34
00:01:03,095 --> 00:01:04,060
Well, okay.
35
00:01:04,096 --> 00:01:05,061
You can leave. Okay.
36
00:01:05,097 --> 00:01:06,063
Well, let me save you
37
00:01:06,099 --> 00:01:07,692
a couple of steps with
the check, anyway.
38
00:01:07,716 --> 00:01:08,682
I'll pay Sam, okay?
39
00:01:08,717 --> 00:01:09,957
Oh, oh, thanks.
40
00:01:12,587 --> 00:01:14,287
Take care of that table, now.
41
00:01:15,374 --> 00:01:17,858
Men can't make beds, either.
42
00:01:17,893 --> 00:01:20,260
Okay, Sam, thanks a lot.
43
00:01:20,295 --> 00:01:21,372
Good night.
44
00:01:21,396 --> 00:01:23,530
Harry, Harry, the bill.
45
00:01:23,565 --> 00:01:25,343
Oh, that's okay, I paid Diane.
46
00:01:25,367 --> 00:01:26,945
Harry, I don't trust you.
47
00:01:26,969 --> 00:01:27,951
Oh, Sam.
48
00:01:27,986 --> 00:01:30,320
Diane, will you tell
Sam it's covered?
49
00:01:30,355 --> 00:01:32,439
It's covered.
50
00:01:42,151 --> 00:01:44,785
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
51
00:01:44,820 --> 00:01:47,888
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
52
00:01:47,923 --> 00:01:50,590
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
53
00:01:50,626 --> 00:01:54,028
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
54
00:01:54,063 --> 00:01:56,930
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
55
00:01:59,902 --> 00:02:01,768
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
56
00:02:01,803 --> 00:02:07,307
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
57
00:02:07,342 --> 00:02:11,912
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
58
00:02:11,947 --> 00:02:14,465
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
59
00:02:14,500 --> 00:02:17,000
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
60
00:02:17,035 --> 00:02:22,273
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
61
00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:24,875
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
62
00:02:24,910 --> 00:02:27,411
♪ People are all the same ♪
63
00:02:27,446 --> 00:02:31,382
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
64
00:02:31,417 --> 00:02:35,402
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT PICTURES
65
00:02:56,759 --> 00:02:57,824
I'm sorry I'm late,
66
00:02:57,860 --> 00:02:59,754
but wait till you hear
what I've been doing.
67
00:03:01,213 --> 00:03:02,563
This afternoon,
68
00:03:02,598 --> 00:03:07,634
I spent five entire hours in
a sensory deprivation tank.
69
00:03:07,669 --> 00:03:09,069
Your room?
70
00:03:10,172 --> 00:03:12,050
I'm telling you,
it was incredible.
71
00:03:12,074 --> 00:03:14,341
Never have I felt more
aware and sensitive
72
00:03:14,376 --> 00:03:16,009
to what's going on around me.
73
00:03:16,045 --> 00:03:17,010
Excuse me.
74
00:03:17,046 --> 00:03:18,345
Oh, excuse me.
75
00:03:18,380 --> 00:03:22,482
You see, the whole idea is
that there's a... a total lack
76
00:03:22,517 --> 00:03:23,734
of sensory input.
77
00:03:25,287 --> 00:03:27,399
What the hell's going on here?
78
00:03:27,423 --> 00:03:29,089
It's a book promotion party.
79
00:03:29,124 --> 00:03:31,491
How could that be in a
place where no one can read?
80
00:03:34,463 --> 00:03:38,248
My old roommate, Tom Kenderson,
wrote his own autobiography,
81
00:03:38,283 --> 00:03:39,266
and I'm in it.
82
00:03:39,302 --> 00:03:41,818
Oh.
83
00:03:41,854 --> 00:03:43,631
So this is a press conference
84
00:03:43,655 --> 00:03:45,122
to announce the arrival
85
00:03:45,157 --> 00:03:47,524
of yet another
thick-headed jock epic.
86
00:03:48,543 --> 00:03:49,988
Well, there must be confetti
87
00:03:50,012 --> 00:03:52,023
all over the Library
of Congress, huh?
88
00:03:52,047 --> 00:03:53,413
Hey, for your information,
89
00:03:53,448 --> 00:03:55,181
this one happens
to be different.
90
00:03:55,217 --> 00:03:57,067
It's got a lot of
good stuff in it.
91
00:03:57,102 --> 00:03:58,051
Like what?
92
00:03:58,086 --> 00:03:59,853
Well, I haven't
read it, actually.
93
00:03:59,888 --> 00:04:01,155
Oh.
94
00:04:01,190 --> 00:04:02,156
No, no, no.
95
00:04:02,191 --> 00:04:04,472
Didn't want to
wear out your lips?
96
00:04:06,478 --> 00:04:08,546
I was supposed
to read it last night,
97
00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:10,280
but, uh, an emergency came up.
98
00:04:10,315 --> 00:04:11,927
Uh-huh, and what was her name?
99
00:04:11,951 --> 00:04:13,884
Sherry, but that's
not the point,
100
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,185
that's not the point.
101
00:04:15,220 --> 00:04:18,288
The point is that... that Tom's
book should be really exciting
102
00:04:18,323 --> 00:04:20,335
due to the... the
times we had together.
103
00:04:20,359 --> 00:04:21,458
See, it's about us
104
00:04:21,493 --> 00:04:23,677
and how we handled
the pressures of baseball.
105
00:04:23,713 --> 00:04:24,694
Oh, yes.
106
00:04:24,730 --> 00:04:26,563
I mean, a lot of guys
handle it differently.
107
00:04:26,598 --> 00:04:27,998
Some guys, uh,
turn to the bottle,
108
00:04:28,033 --> 00:04:29,133
some guys chase chicks,
109
00:04:29,168 --> 00:04:31,501
and, uh, Tom and I couldn't
make up our minds, so we...
110
00:04:31,536 --> 00:04:32,502
So you did both.
111
00:04:32,537 --> 00:04:33,537
Yeah.
112
00:04:35,074 --> 00:04:38,575
Okay, well, let me
speed-read this sucker.
113
00:04:40,445 --> 00:04:41,912
And then we can talk.
114
00:04:43,315 --> 00:04:44,848
How... how long's
that going to take?
115
00:04:46,051 --> 00:04:47,331
I'm on chapter four.
116
00:04:49,071 --> 00:04:51,521
You know, I... I always
loved that kid, Tommy.
117
00:04:51,556 --> 00:04:52,990
I mean, you... just a riot.
118
00:04:53,025 --> 00:04:54,691
He was always pulling something.
119
00:04:54,727 --> 00:04:55,692
Is that right?
120
00:04:55,728 --> 00:04:56,677
Yeah.
121
00:04:56,712 --> 00:04:58,828
Like, you know, he'd
put my toothbrush
122
00:04:58,864 --> 00:05:00,330
in a pair of sweaty socks,
123
00:05:00,366 --> 00:05:02,532
he'd leave dead
animals in my locker.
124
00:05:02,567 --> 00:05:04,501
One time, him and
a bunch of guys
125
00:05:04,536 --> 00:05:06,214
held me down,
shaved my whole body.
126
00:05:06,238 --> 00:05:07,315
No.
127
00:05:07,339 --> 00:05:09,968
Coach, Coach, you just
let them do that to you?
128
00:05:09,992 --> 00:05:11,024
No, no, no, Cliff.
129
00:05:11,060 --> 00:05:13,088
What I did was, he
was trying to cram me
130
00:05:13,112 --> 00:05:15,190
into one of these
clothes dryers one day.
131
00:05:15,214 --> 00:05:18,165
I pulled his socks
right over his spikes.
132
00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:19,311
Good one, Coach.
133
00:05:19,335 --> 00:05:20,300
They laughed.
134
00:05:20,336 --> 00:05:21,801
The guys, what a laugh they got.
135
00:05:21,837 --> 00:05:24,387
I could see them through
that little window, you know.
136
00:05:24,422 --> 00:05:25,322
They were laughing!
137
00:05:25,357 --> 00:05:26,874
Hey, Mayday.
138
00:05:28,010 --> 00:05:29,043
Hey!
139
00:05:31,180 --> 00:05:33,113
Hey, wow, what a to-do, huh?
140
00:05:33,148 --> 00:05:34,114
How about this?
141
00:05:34,149 --> 00:05:35,215
Sam!
142
00:05:35,250 --> 00:05:36,950
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
143
00:05:36,985 --> 00:05:39,853
Um, Carla Tortelli,
Tom Kenderson.
144
00:05:39,888 --> 00:05:41,855
Carla, nice to meet you.
145
00:05:42,925 --> 00:05:45,208
I love you, Tom Kenderson.
146
00:05:45,243 --> 00:05:46,826
Look, here... here's my number
147
00:05:46,862 --> 00:05:49,028
and a couple of
quotes from past lovers.
148
00:05:49,064 --> 00:05:50,747
Uh, thank you, Carla.
149
00:05:50,782 --> 00:05:52,115
Carla, come here, sweetheart.
150
00:05:52,151 --> 00:05:55,385
Sam, he breathed on me, Sam.
151
00:05:55,420 --> 00:05:56,497
I'm a whole woman.
152
00:05:56,521 --> 00:05:59,923
Coach... get her a seltzer.
153
00:05:59,958 --> 00:06:02,359
Sam, did you get a chance
to read my book last night?
154
00:06:02,394 --> 00:06:03,705
Uh, no, no, I didn't, Tommy.
155
00:06:03,729 --> 00:06:04,962
I'm sorry.
156
00:06:04,997 --> 00:06:06,864
I really wish you had.
157
00:06:06,899 --> 00:06:08,994
Did you put in that
flight to Kansas City
158
00:06:09,018 --> 00:06:12,196
when we jumped in the garment
bag with those two stewardesses?
159
00:06:12,220 --> 00:06:13,765
Yeah, that's there,
but there's something...
160
00:06:13,789 --> 00:06:15,033
Well, then I'll die
happy, I'm fine.
161
00:06:15,057 --> 00:06:16,634
Listen, let's get you
famous here, all right?
162
00:06:16,658 --> 00:06:17,490
No, I don't think you...
163
00:06:17,525 --> 00:06:18,191
Tommy, Tommy!
164
00:06:18,227 --> 00:06:19,520
Tommy, it's so good to see you.
165
00:06:19,544 --> 00:06:20,494
Hey, Coach, good to see you.
166
00:06:20,529 --> 00:06:21,294
How you doing?
167
00:06:21,330 --> 00:06:22,295
Just great.
168
00:06:22,331 --> 00:06:23,992
Tommy, you remember the time
169
00:06:24,016 --> 00:06:26,995
you... you put the analgesic
balm in my jockstrap?
170
00:06:27,019 --> 00:06:28,419
Yeah, yeah.
171
00:06:28,454 --> 00:06:30,114
I think of you every
time I get the itch.
172
00:06:30,138 --> 00:06:31,788
Well, it's good to be
remembered, Coach.
173
00:06:31,824 --> 00:06:32,789
What a guy!
174
00:06:32,825 --> 00:06:33,790
Uh, Sam...
175
00:06:33,826 --> 00:06:34,791
Mr. Kenderson...
176
00:06:34,827 --> 00:06:36,226
would you mind if we begin?
177
00:06:36,261 --> 00:06:37,244
Yeah, let's start,
178
00:06:37,279 --> 00:06:38,245
let's do it.
179
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:39,913
All right.
180
00:06:39,948 --> 00:06:41,460
Pardon me.
181
00:06:41,484 --> 00:06:44,234
Before we start here,
Sam Malone, come up here.
182
00:06:46,621 --> 00:06:48,521
I'm sure you all
remember Sam Malone,
183
00:06:48,557 --> 00:06:50,974
and if you don't, chapters
seven through nine.
184
00:06:51,009 --> 00:06:52,125
No, no, no, no, no.
185
00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:53,321
I'm a businessman now.
186
00:06:53,345 --> 00:06:55,524
I keep my clothes
on... most of the time.
187
00:06:55,548 --> 00:06:58,448
So, you two were... real close?
188
00:06:58,483 --> 00:07:00,745
For three years, we
did everything together.
189
00:07:00,769 --> 00:07:02,496
I mean, no one
ever saw us apart.
190
00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:05,121
Well, Sam, it must have
been quite a shock to you
191
00:07:05,157 --> 00:07:07,641
when Tom wrote about
coming out of the closet?
192
00:07:08,728 --> 00:07:09,693
Oh, oh.
193
00:07:09,729 --> 00:07:10,694
Whoa!
194
00:07:10,730 --> 00:07:12,373
You mean... you mean in Detroit,
195
00:07:12,397 --> 00:07:14,176
when... when I
was with a waitress
196
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:18,301
and he... he came out of the
closet and he was wearing a...
197
00:07:18,337 --> 00:07:20,798
That's not... that's not what
you're talking about, is it?
198
00:07:20,822 --> 00:07:22,255
Yikes.
199
00:07:27,512 --> 00:07:29,963
Is this some kind of joke, Tom?
200
00:07:29,999 --> 00:07:33,166
I wanted you to
read the book, Sam.
201
00:07:33,201 --> 00:07:34,935
It's, uh... it's
still hard for me
202
00:07:34,970 --> 00:07:36,669
to tell people
from the old days.
203
00:07:36,705 --> 00:07:38,333
Sam, you were saying
204
00:07:38,357 --> 00:07:40,991
that you two used to
do... everything together.
205
00:07:41,026 --> 00:07:43,476
No, no, no, no, you...
you misunderstood that.
206
00:07:43,512 --> 00:07:44,689
No, uh, as a matter of fact,
207
00:07:44,713 --> 00:07:46,324
people used to come
up to me and say,
208
00:07:46,348 --> 00:07:48,092
"Hey, you know, you
two are best friends
209
00:07:48,116 --> 00:07:49,728
and yet you're
completely different."
210
00:07:49,752 --> 00:07:50,795
I remember this time...
211
00:07:50,819 --> 00:07:51,785
Sam!
212
00:07:51,820 --> 00:07:53,887
Sam, there...
there's an emergency
213
00:07:53,922 --> 00:07:55,622
in, uh... in the back room.
214
00:07:55,657 --> 00:07:56,739
What?
215
00:07:56,775 --> 00:08:00,243
Um... I found holes
in the pool table.
216
00:08:00,279 --> 00:08:02,257
Oh, yeah, yeah, all right.
217
00:08:02,281 --> 00:08:03,613
You'll excuse me.
218
00:08:03,648 --> 00:08:05,559
Um... some chick
wants to see me.
219
00:08:05,583 --> 00:08:06,961
I can't get rid of them.
220
00:08:06,985 --> 00:08:10,453
You guys know how that is, huh?
221
00:08:10,488 --> 00:08:13,589
So, honey, you, uh, can't go
in the back room without me.
222
00:08:13,625 --> 00:08:14,905
Shut up.
223
00:08:16,879 --> 00:08:20,213
Say it ain't so,
Tom, say it ain't so.
224
00:08:20,249 --> 00:08:22,010
Thank you for
getting me out of there
225
00:08:22,034 --> 00:08:24,112
before I made a
complete ass out of myself.
226
00:08:24,136 --> 00:08:26,837
I was fast, but you were faster.
227
00:08:26,872 --> 00:08:27,854
It wasn't my fault.
228
00:08:27,890 --> 00:08:29,501
I mean, he should have told me.
229
00:08:29,525 --> 00:08:32,192
Sam, he told you
to read the book.
230
00:08:32,227 --> 00:08:33,927
Yeah, but...
231
00:08:33,963 --> 00:08:36,679
He should have known that
you'd be spending the evening
232
00:08:36,715 --> 00:08:39,316
with a woman who thinks
Candide is a toenail polish.
233
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:42,697
I just can't believe it.
234
00:08:42,721 --> 00:08:44,388
I mean, the guy
was a hound, Diane.
235
00:08:44,423 --> 00:08:45,622
He had women everywhere.
236
00:08:45,657 --> 00:08:48,258
We'd be on the road,
we'd go into hotel lobbies,
237
00:08:48,293 --> 00:08:50,760
there'd be three, four
women holding up kids.
238
00:08:55,567 --> 00:08:56,834
He covers that, he covers that.
239
00:08:56,869 --> 00:08:57,835
Where?
240
00:08:57,870 --> 00:08:59,837
He... here, here, in this
paragraph right here.
241
00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:00,838
Want me to read it?
242
00:09:00,873 --> 00:09:01,771
No, I'll read it.
243
00:09:01,807 --> 00:09:02,772
Right there?
244
00:09:02,808 --> 00:09:03,874
Yes.
245
00:09:03,909 --> 00:09:07,894
"From the outside, my days
in baseball seemed glorious,
246
00:09:07,929 --> 00:09:12,131
"but the greater my fear
became of my true sexuality,
247
00:09:12,167 --> 00:09:16,803
the more I compensated with
typical Don Juan promiscuity."
248
00:09:16,839 --> 00:09:18,088
Does that explain it?
249
00:09:18,123 --> 00:09:19,072
I don't know.
250
00:09:19,108 --> 00:09:20,306
I've only read it once.
251
00:09:24,863 --> 00:09:26,763
He was denying who he was.
252
00:09:26,798 --> 00:09:28,715
He's no longer doing that.
253
00:09:31,019 --> 00:09:32,385
I should've known.
254
00:09:32,421 --> 00:09:35,188
I remember sitting in
a piano bar with him
255
00:09:35,223 --> 00:09:37,256
and he requested a show tune.
256
00:09:44,550 --> 00:09:47,050
Sam, I do understand
why you're upset.
257
00:09:47,086 --> 00:09:50,720
You're afraid that now
people will think that you're...
258
00:09:50,755 --> 00:09:51,933
No, I'm not upset,
259
00:09:51,957 --> 00:09:53,056
I'm not upset.
260
00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:57,828
It's... it's just that guys
should be guys, Diane!
261
00:09:57,863 --> 00:09:58,895
That's all.
262
00:10:01,516 --> 00:10:03,400
Sam.
263
00:10:03,435 --> 00:10:06,770
Look, your friend
Tom's out there.
264
00:10:06,805 --> 00:10:10,640
He needs your support
now more than ever before.
265
00:10:10,676 --> 00:10:12,275
He really hasn't changed.
266
00:10:12,310 --> 00:10:16,379
He's still the same guy you
used to tinkle off balconies with.
267
00:10:20,118 --> 00:10:24,988
Boy, the world was a lot
simpler then, you know.
268
00:10:29,595 --> 00:10:31,027
Sam, sorry about all this.
269
00:10:31,063 --> 00:10:32,907
See, I thought
you'd read the book
270
00:10:32,931 --> 00:10:34,298
and everything was cool.
271
00:10:34,333 --> 00:10:36,083
Look, I don't want to cause you
272
00:10:36,118 --> 00:10:37,083
any more problems.
273
00:10:37,118 --> 00:10:39,038
I'm just going
to take off, okay?
274
00:10:43,208 --> 00:10:44,848
Damn it.
275
00:10:49,698 --> 00:10:52,198
Thanks a lot, everybody.
276
00:10:52,233 --> 00:10:53,845
It was, uh... nice
talking to you all again.
277
00:10:53,869 --> 00:10:55,819
So long, Tommy.
278
00:10:55,854 --> 00:10:58,383
Tom!
279
00:10:58,407 --> 00:11:01,124
You still a gin-and-tonic man?
280
00:11:03,011 --> 00:11:05,344
Way to go, Mayday.
281
00:11:05,380 --> 00:11:07,124
I, uh, make them the
way you like them...
282
00:11:08,149 --> 00:11:09,115
On the house.
283
00:11:09,150 --> 00:11:10,190
Coach.
284
00:11:12,387 --> 00:11:14,955
Um...
285
00:11:14,990 --> 00:11:15,688
Thanks a lot, Sam.
286
00:11:15,723 --> 00:11:16,623
Hey, listen,
287
00:11:16,658 --> 00:11:18,135
can we get a couple
more shots of you guys?
288
00:11:18,159 --> 00:11:21,561
Yeah, sure, you bet.
289
00:11:21,597 --> 00:11:23,630
I appreciate this,
Sam, I really do.
290
00:11:23,665 --> 00:11:26,861
Well, you didn't dump me
when I had a drinking problem.
291
00:11:26,885 --> 00:11:27,851
Uh, sure I did.
292
00:11:27,886 --> 00:11:29,786
You were just
passed out at the time.
293
00:11:34,509 --> 00:11:37,104
Pardon me, pal, where... where
are these photos going to run?
294
00:11:37,128 --> 00:11:38,128
Oh, I don't know.
295
00:11:38,163 --> 00:11:39,713
Most of your local papers.
296
00:11:39,748 --> 00:11:41,614
Uh-oh.
297
00:11:41,650 --> 00:11:42,965
What's the matter?
298
00:11:43,001 --> 00:11:45,013
Same thing's going
to happen to Cheers
299
00:11:45,037 --> 00:11:46,714
that happened at Vito's Pub.
300
00:11:46,738 --> 00:11:49,105
Uh-oh!
301
00:11:59,134 --> 00:12:00,444
Sam looks as terrific
302
00:12:00,468 --> 00:12:01,334
in black and white
303
00:12:01,369 --> 00:12:02,614
as he does in color, huh?
304
00:12:02,638 --> 00:12:03,703
Yeah.
305
00:12:03,739 --> 00:12:05,749
Looking at Tom breaks my heart.
306
00:12:05,773 --> 00:12:07,707
Hey, everybody.
307
00:12:07,742 --> 00:12:08,941
Hi, Sam.
308
00:12:08,977 --> 00:12:09,987
Hi, Sam.
309
00:12:10,011 --> 00:12:12,740
Hey, we're looking
at your kisser
310
00:12:12,764 --> 00:12:14,842
in the morning rag here, Sam.
311
00:12:14,866 --> 00:12:16,649
Yeah, I saw that.
312
00:12:16,685 --> 00:12:18,479
Every time I look at this
313
00:12:18,503 --> 00:12:20,181
I feel so proud of you.
314
00:12:20,205 --> 00:12:23,005
Yeah, I'm kind of
glad I did that now.
315
00:12:23,041 --> 00:12:24,952
I think you are
taking real strides
316
00:12:24,976 --> 00:12:27,037
in your development
as a human being.
317
00:12:27,061 --> 00:12:29,479
You know, a couple of other
chicks said that to me today.
318
00:12:29,514 --> 00:12:32,215
I think this human being image
is going to get me more action
319
00:12:32,250 --> 00:12:33,250
than cheap wine.
320
00:12:35,303 --> 00:12:37,820
Always the high road.
321
00:12:40,225 --> 00:12:42,408
Hey... Norm.
322
00:12:42,444 --> 00:12:43,454
Mm-hmm?
323
00:12:43,478 --> 00:12:45,311
What was that you
said yesterday...
324
00:12:45,347 --> 00:12:47,080
When they were
taking pictures...
325
00:12:47,115 --> 00:12:48,115
About Vito's Pub?
326
00:12:48,149 --> 00:12:49,115
It's nothing.
327
00:12:49,150 --> 00:12:50,116
Don't worry about it.
328
00:12:50,151 --> 00:12:51,117
Talk to me, Norm.
329
00:12:51,153 --> 00:12:53,531
Hey, Norm, I think it's best
330
00:12:53,555 --> 00:12:56,139
he hears it from us.
331
00:12:56,174 --> 00:12:57,535
Go ahead, tell him the story.
332
00:12:57,559 --> 00:12:58,670
All right.
333
00:12:58,694 --> 00:13:00,437
You heard of Vito's Pub?
334
00:13:00,461 --> 00:13:02,545
Yeah, it's a gay bar, right?
335
00:13:02,581 --> 00:13:03,791
It didn't use to be.
336
00:13:03,815 --> 00:13:05,359
It used to be a great bar.
337
00:13:05,383 --> 00:13:06,827
I hung out there myself.
338
00:13:06,851 --> 00:13:09,134
Wow, what a story, Norm.
339
00:13:10,755 --> 00:13:12,316
I'm not finished.
340
00:13:12,340 --> 00:13:14,474
There's more?
341
00:13:14,509 --> 00:13:18,122
One night, Vito lets a
gay group hold a meeting
342
00:13:18,146 --> 00:13:20,024
in the back room, right?
343
00:13:20,048 --> 00:13:23,448
Um, gays for the... metric
system, or something.
344
00:13:23,968 --> 00:13:25,579
The story got in the newspaper,
345
00:13:25,603 --> 00:13:26,847
gets a lot of attention.
346
00:13:26,871 --> 00:13:29,216
Next thing you know,
Vito's Pub turns into...
347
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:31,725
"Vito's Pub."
348
00:13:33,127 --> 00:13:35,289
All the regulars left, Sammy.
349
00:13:35,313 --> 00:13:37,225
Out went the oars
and the moose heads.
350
00:13:37,249 --> 00:13:39,849
In came plants and ferns.
351
00:13:39,884 --> 00:13:41,178
Ferns...
352
00:13:41,202 --> 00:13:42,413
I just don't want that
353
00:13:42,437 --> 00:13:44,637
to happen to Cheers, that's all.
354
00:13:44,940 --> 00:13:46,117
I don't believe that stuff.
355
00:13:46,141 --> 00:13:47,534
Bars don't turn gay overnight.
356
00:13:47,558 --> 00:13:48,920
You don't have to believe me.
357
00:13:48,944 --> 00:13:49,987
I have scientific proof.
358
00:13:50,011 --> 00:13:50,977
Cliff?
359
00:13:51,012 --> 00:13:51,978
It happened.
360
00:13:52,013 --> 00:13:53,013
See?
361
00:13:54,816 --> 00:13:57,934
Excuse me.
362
00:13:57,969 --> 00:14:00,303
You're talking about
them like they're ogres.
363
00:14:00,339 --> 00:14:01,638
The fact of the matter is
364
00:14:01,673 --> 00:14:03,373
there are gay people in this bar
365
00:14:03,408 --> 00:14:04,541
all the time.
366
00:14:04,576 --> 00:14:05,942
What? No way.
367
00:14:05,977 --> 00:14:09,190
I haven't seen a gay
guy in here in ages.
368
00:14:09,214 --> 00:14:11,948
Oh, I see, you can
spot a gay person?
369
00:14:11,983 --> 00:14:13,416
A mile away.
370
00:14:13,452 --> 00:14:15,885
And there are none
in here right now?
371
00:14:17,322 --> 00:14:21,090
Nope. Looks like a
straight crowd to me.
372
00:14:21,125 --> 00:14:23,304
Too ugly to be gay.
373
00:14:23,328 --> 00:14:25,161
Too ugly to be out.
374
00:14:30,635 --> 00:14:32,702
Well, I wasn't going
to say anything,
375
00:14:32,737 --> 00:14:34,603
but you've gone
so far in proving
376
00:14:34,639 --> 00:14:36,139
you're open-minded, Norman.
377
00:14:36,174 --> 00:14:38,941
There are two
homosexual gentlemen
378
00:14:38,977 --> 00:14:41,177
in this bar at this moment.
379
00:14:41,212 --> 00:14:42,178
Come on.
380
00:14:42,213 --> 00:14:43,345
Get out of here.
381
00:14:43,381 --> 00:14:44,892
They told me they were gay,
382
00:14:44,916 --> 00:14:47,199
that they appreciated
what Sam had done.
383
00:14:47,235 --> 00:14:48,218
That's right, guys.
384
00:14:48,253 --> 00:14:49,435
They're here right now
385
00:14:49,470 --> 00:14:51,587
and you don't even
know who they are.
386
00:14:52,807 --> 00:14:54,285
Nah, she's kidding.
387
00:14:54,309 --> 00:14:57,193
Everybody here
checks out all right.
388
00:14:57,229 --> 00:14:58,694
Yeah.
389
00:14:58,730 --> 00:15:00,374
Uh, I don't know, it...
390
00:15:00,398 --> 00:15:02,376
it occurs to me that, uh...
391
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:04,712
Cliff... hasn't had a date
392
00:15:04,736 --> 00:15:06,380
in quite some time.
393
00:15:06,404 --> 00:15:08,804
Mm-hmm, that's right.
394
00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:10,384
Oh, yeah, Norm, well, uh,
395
00:15:10,408 --> 00:15:12,641
how come we've
never seen this Vera
396
00:15:12,677 --> 00:15:14,810
you're allegedly
married to, huh?
397
00:15:16,748 --> 00:15:19,549
Could, uh, we have a
couple beers, please?
398
00:15:19,584 --> 00:15:21,396
You bet.
399
00:15:21,420 --> 00:15:24,270
Patty-cake alert.
400
00:15:24,306 --> 00:15:26,072
Hey, hey, you're Sam Malone.
401
00:15:26,107 --> 00:15:27,118
Right.
402
00:15:27,142 --> 00:15:28,342
Yeah, yeah, I saw your picture
403
00:15:28,376 --> 00:15:29,442
in the paper this morning.
404
00:15:29,477 --> 00:15:30,487
Ah, that's good.
405
00:15:30,511 --> 00:15:32,928
Can't wait to read that book.
406
00:15:32,964 --> 00:15:35,280
I'm not much of a baseball fan,
407
00:15:35,316 --> 00:15:36,582
but that sounds interesting.
408
00:15:36,618 --> 00:15:37,829
Yeah, it should be pretty good.
409
00:15:37,853 --> 00:15:40,019
Oh, listen, could we
have light beers, please?
410
00:15:41,072 --> 00:15:42,116
Light beer?
411
00:15:44,576 --> 00:15:45,542
Here you go.
412
00:15:45,577 --> 00:15:46,542
Thanks, Sam.
413
00:15:46,577 --> 00:15:47,577
Thanks.
414
00:15:48,763 --> 00:15:52,131
Sam, those guys look okay to me.
415
00:15:52,166 --> 00:15:53,778
They are okay, coach.
416
00:15:53,802 --> 00:15:54,900
Oh, well, uh,
417
00:15:54,936 --> 00:15:57,169
maybe we are a little
off base here, Norm.
418
00:15:57,205 --> 00:15:59,572
Uh, hey, let's test them out.
419
00:15:59,607 --> 00:16:00,607
I got an idea.
420
00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,861
Hey! Look at the
baganzas on that babe.
421
00:16:08,199 --> 00:16:10,567
Oh, this is medieval.
422
00:16:10,602 --> 00:16:13,803
I never knew Lorne
Greene had baganzas.
423
00:16:13,838 --> 00:16:15,132
Say, uh, hey, Jack,
424
00:16:15,156 --> 00:16:16,801
change the channel, will you?
425
00:16:16,825 --> 00:16:17,825
I think it's time
426
00:16:17,859 --> 00:16:19,420
for the Benito-Venito bout.
427
00:16:19,444 --> 00:16:21,684
Yeah, it should
be a blood match.
428
00:16:23,030 --> 00:16:24,508
Uh, they're not watching.
429
00:16:24,532 --> 00:16:26,892
Let's string 'em up.
430
00:16:28,136 --> 00:16:29,718
So, what are we going to do
431
00:16:29,754 --> 00:16:31,937
about these guys, huh?
432
00:16:31,973 --> 00:16:33,138
Carla!
433
00:16:33,174 --> 00:16:34,139
What?
434
00:16:34,175 --> 00:16:36,142
You're not prejudiced
against gays, are you?
435
00:16:36,177 --> 00:16:39,044
Well, I'm not exactly
crazy about them.
436
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:41,814
I mean, I get enough
competition from women.
437
00:16:43,117 --> 00:16:45,585
I'm telling you, if guys keep
coming out of the closet,
438
00:16:45,620 --> 00:16:47,631
there isn't going to
be anybody left to date
439
00:16:47,655 --> 00:16:50,272
and I'm going to have to
start going out with girls.
440
00:16:53,127 --> 00:16:55,394
Carla, you don't have
to worry about me.
441
00:16:55,429 --> 00:16:58,197
I like my dates a little
more masculine than you.
442
00:16:58,232 --> 00:17:00,266
Not much, but a little.
443
00:17:01,970 --> 00:17:04,487
I can't believe you're all
making such a big fuss
444
00:17:04,522 --> 00:17:06,442
out of two guys
walking into a bar.
445
00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:09,770
Patty-cake.
446
00:17:09,794 --> 00:17:12,028
It's an orgy!
447
00:17:12,063 --> 00:17:13,046
Ferns, Sammy.
448
00:17:13,081 --> 00:17:14,358
We're talking ferns.
449
00:17:14,382 --> 00:17:15,648
You...
450
00:17:15,684 --> 00:17:16,849
Come on.
451
00:17:16,885 --> 00:17:19,018
I've seen you guys hug.
452
00:17:19,054 --> 00:17:20,019
Yeah, but we hate it.
453
00:17:20,055 --> 00:17:21,220
Right.
454
00:17:21,255 --> 00:17:22,699
Say, uh, Cliff.
455
00:17:22,723 --> 00:17:23,689
Huh?
456
00:17:23,725 --> 00:17:25,591
I haven't been to
Clancy's in a long time.
457
00:17:25,627 --> 00:17:27,493
Is that still as nice a
place as it used to be?
458
00:17:27,528 --> 00:17:28,623
Jeez, I don't know, Jack.
459
00:17:28,647 --> 00:17:30,174
I haven't been there
in a long time myself.
460
00:17:30,198 --> 00:17:31,659
Come on, let's go on over there.
461
00:17:31,683 --> 00:17:32,860
Yeah, good idea: Clancy's.
462
00:17:32,884 --> 00:17:34,017
Give me a break.
463
00:17:34,052 --> 00:17:35,252
You guys are kidding, right?
464
00:17:35,286 --> 00:17:37,447
Mmm, Sammy, we'll
check in in a couple weeks,
465
00:17:37,471 --> 00:17:40,050
and we'll just see if
Cheers is still the kind of bar
466
00:17:40,074 --> 00:17:41,752
where a single
woman can be assured
467
00:17:41,776 --> 00:17:43,242
of being harassed and hit on.
468
00:17:43,278 --> 00:17:45,845
Hey, hey, get back
here, all of you, right now.
469
00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:47,630
Come on.
470
00:17:47,665 --> 00:17:48,798
You mean to tell me
471
00:17:48,833 --> 00:17:51,200
that you guys are
bailing out on me?
472
00:17:51,235 --> 00:17:52,380
Sam, I'm telling you,
473
00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:53,503
within a month,
474
00:17:53,538 --> 00:17:55,048
there's going to be wild music
475
00:17:55,072 --> 00:17:57,585
and guys dancing and
exchanging phone numbers.
476
00:17:57,609 --> 00:17:59,136
You know, Sam,
477
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,493
you've got some
really great friends here.
478
00:18:01,529 --> 00:18:03,863
You've gone out of
your way to make a bar
479
00:18:03,898 --> 00:18:06,331
where customers can
feel like they belong...
480
00:18:06,367 --> 00:18:07,533
Part of the family.
481
00:18:07,568 --> 00:18:08,963
And now they're
walking out on you.
482
00:18:08,987 --> 00:18:09,987
We don't want them...
483
00:18:17,062 --> 00:18:18,227
Quiet!
484
00:18:19,264 --> 00:18:20,741
Perhaps we should step
485
00:18:20,765 --> 00:18:22,131
into the back room.
486
00:18:22,166 --> 00:18:26,269
Anyone having something
intelligent to say can follow me.
487
00:18:30,291 --> 00:18:32,257
Fine, anyone with
a two-bit opinion.
488
00:18:43,254 --> 00:18:44,965
Look, Sammy, Sammy.
489
00:18:44,989 --> 00:18:47,106
Sammy, look, I've
got a simple solution
490
00:18:47,141 --> 00:18:48,674
to this whole problem, see?
491
00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:51,644
You just go up to the guys
and politely ask them to leave,
492
00:18:51,679 --> 00:18:54,246
then everything is
back to normal, right?
493
00:18:55,483 --> 00:18:57,850
Sam would never do that.
494
00:18:57,886 --> 00:18:59,418
Would you, Sam?
495
00:19:01,022 --> 00:19:03,088
Oh, no.
496
00:19:03,124 --> 00:19:04,167
I'm not sure.
497
00:19:04,191 --> 00:19:05,970
I mean, these guys
are my regulars.
498
00:19:05,994 --> 00:19:07,938
If I lose my regulars,
I lose my bar.
499
00:19:07,962 --> 00:19:10,090
And if single women
stop coming in here,
500
00:19:10,114 --> 00:19:12,594
I have no reason to live, so...
501
00:19:13,251 --> 00:19:14,200
Well...
502
00:19:14,235 --> 00:19:16,413
No emotional appeal here, Sam.
503
00:19:16,437 --> 00:19:19,304
This is a purely
intellectual argument.
504
00:19:19,340 --> 00:19:21,484
You let this bar go gay,
505
00:19:21,508 --> 00:19:26,345
you are going to have to
hire male waitresses, right?
506
00:19:26,380 --> 00:19:28,458
That means that
I'm out on the street
507
00:19:28,482 --> 00:19:30,560
and I'm not going
to be able to feed
508
00:19:30,584 --> 00:19:34,253
little... Sammy Tortelli.
509
00:19:34,288 --> 00:19:36,633
Ooh, ooh, ooh, it kicked.
510
00:19:36,657 --> 00:19:37,667
What?
511
00:19:37,691 --> 00:19:38,736
Shh, shh, shh.
512
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:42,194
What's that he's
trying to say there?
513
00:19:42,230 --> 00:19:44,864
I'm hungry.
514
00:19:44,899 --> 00:19:46,143
I'm hungry.
515
00:19:46,167 --> 00:19:50,936
Oh, please, don't let
Sammy do this to us.
516
00:19:50,972 --> 00:19:53,672
Thanks for keeping
emotions out of it.
517
00:19:54,708 --> 00:19:56,876
I think it's a trick, Sam.
518
00:19:56,911 --> 00:19:57,676
Sit down.
519
00:19:57,711 --> 00:19:59,373
All right, we're all
agreed, then, huh?
520
00:19:59,397 --> 00:20:00,774
Sammy tells these guys to leave,
521
00:20:00,798 --> 00:20:01,875
we don't go to Clancy's.
522
00:20:01,899 --> 00:20:02,899
Am I right, Sam?
523
00:20:05,503 --> 00:20:06,469
All right, all right.
524
00:20:06,504 --> 00:20:07,453
Sam!
525
00:20:07,488 --> 00:20:08,638
Hey, just leave me alone!
526
00:20:08,673 --> 00:20:10,139
I'm running a business here.
527
00:20:12,310 --> 00:20:15,945
What do think I
should say to them?
528
00:20:15,980 --> 00:20:17,792
Oh, well, it's very simple.
529
00:20:17,816 --> 00:20:19,893
You just walk up
and say, "Hello.
530
00:20:19,917 --> 00:20:22,095
"We're a group
of sniveling bigots
531
00:20:22,119 --> 00:20:24,837
and, uh, we don't
care for your kind."
532
00:20:24,872 --> 00:20:25,721
That's good.
533
00:20:25,757 --> 00:20:26,757
I like that.
534
00:20:28,009 --> 00:20:29,369
Sniveling's good... sniveling.
535
00:20:30,528 --> 00:20:33,161
Go ahead, snivel.
536
00:20:40,121 --> 00:20:41,165
Hi, fellas.
537
00:20:41,189 --> 00:20:42,189
Hi.
538
00:20:42,223 --> 00:20:44,068
Hi, Sam, uh... what's going on?
539
00:20:44,092 --> 00:20:45,836
Well, I got a little
bit of a problem.
540
00:20:45,860 --> 00:20:47,037
Maybe you can help me out.
541
00:20:47,061 --> 00:20:49,039
See, I'm the
owner of this bar...
542
00:20:49,063 --> 00:20:50,079
Yeah, we know.
543
00:20:50,114 --> 00:20:52,208
We read the article
in the newspaper.
544
00:20:52,232 --> 00:20:53,782
Oh, right, right.
545
00:20:53,817 --> 00:20:55,512
That took a lot of guts.
546
00:20:55,536 --> 00:20:56,619
It really did.
547
00:20:56,654 --> 00:20:57,603
Yeah.
548
00:20:57,639 --> 00:20:58,704
Uh...
549
00:20:58,739 --> 00:21:00,139
So what's your problem?
550
00:21:01,409 --> 00:21:04,377
As a matter of fact, I
don't have a problem.
551
00:21:04,412 --> 00:21:05,428
Coach...
552
00:21:05,463 --> 00:21:07,029
get these guys a
beer on the house.
553
00:21:07,064 --> 00:21:08,330
Right, Sam.
554
00:21:08,365 --> 00:21:09,799
What's the matter, Sammy?
555
00:21:09,834 --> 00:21:10,966
You chickening out on us?
556
00:21:11,001 --> 00:21:12,513
Yeah, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy.
557
00:21:12,537 --> 00:21:15,216
I thought you always had
more character than that.
558
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:16,550
Hey, listen, those
guys are staying.
559
00:21:16,574 --> 00:21:18,085
Anyone else wants
to leave, that's fine.
560
00:21:18,109 --> 00:21:19,620
Okay, Sam, you
know what kind of bar
561
00:21:19,644 --> 00:21:20,592
this could turn into.
562
00:21:20,628 --> 00:21:22,539
It's not going to turn
into the kind of bar
563
00:21:22,563 --> 00:21:24,141
that I have to
throw people out of.
564
00:21:24,165 --> 00:21:27,032
That was the noblest
preposition you've ever dangled.
565
00:21:29,904 --> 00:21:31,720
Thank you.
566
00:21:33,591 --> 00:21:34,768
Now, let me say this...
567
00:21:34,792 --> 00:21:35,758
No!
568
00:21:35,793 --> 00:21:37,273
Fine.
569
00:21:38,329 --> 00:21:39,873
All right, gentlemen,
570
00:21:39,897 --> 00:21:42,732
desperate times call
for desperate measures.
571
00:21:42,767 --> 00:21:44,333
What are you going to do?
572
00:21:44,369 --> 00:21:45,334
What do you got?
573
00:21:45,370 --> 00:21:47,514
Coach... last call.
574
00:21:47,538 --> 00:21:49,788
What are you talking
about, last call, Norm?
575
00:21:49,823 --> 00:21:50,923
It's quarter to 7:00.
576
00:21:50,958 --> 00:21:52,453
Whoop, no time for last call.
577
00:21:52,477 --> 00:21:55,756
These glasses have to be
off the tables by seven bells.
578
00:21:55,780 --> 00:21:57,179
Huh?
579
00:21:57,214 --> 00:21:58,297
Hey, excuse me.
580
00:21:58,333 --> 00:22:01,100
This bar closes at 7:00?
581
00:22:01,135 --> 00:22:03,753
Well, only on the first
Thursday of every month.
582
00:22:03,788 --> 00:22:04,832
You see, we call it
583
00:22:04,856 --> 00:22:06,205
"vive la différence" evening.
584
00:22:06,241 --> 00:22:08,184
Yeah, we go home to
our wives, girlfriends,
585
00:22:08,208 --> 00:22:11,176
workbenches, power tools.
586
00:22:12,947 --> 00:22:15,427
This is the weirdest
bar I've ever been in.
587
00:22:18,886 --> 00:22:20,497
Coach, what the
hell are you doing?
588
00:22:20,521 --> 00:22:22,988
Sam, this is "vive
la différence" night.
589
00:22:23,024 --> 00:22:24,957
Where the hell did the month go?
590
00:22:24,992 --> 00:22:25,958
What?
591
00:22:25,993 --> 00:22:28,310
Your regulars just
tricked those three guys
592
00:22:28,345 --> 00:22:29,411
out of the bar.
593
00:22:29,446 --> 00:22:30,446
How?
594
00:22:36,137 --> 00:22:37,703
Let's have a round here, Sammy.
595
00:22:37,738 --> 00:22:38,637
It's on Norm.
596
00:22:38,672 --> 00:22:39,638
Yeah, all right.
597
00:22:39,673 --> 00:22:41,506
What's going on here?
598
00:22:41,542 --> 00:22:43,987
Oh, well, we just got
rid of your friends, Diane.
599
00:22:44,011 --> 00:22:45,472
Yeah, it was all Normy's idea.
600
00:22:45,496 --> 00:22:46,461
The man's a genius!
601
00:22:46,497 --> 00:22:47,462
Hey, Normy.
602
00:22:47,498 --> 00:22:48,538
Way to go!
603
00:22:49,500 --> 00:22:51,144
Norman, I think
there's something
604
00:22:51,168 --> 00:22:52,846
you should know
about those guys.
605
00:22:52,870 --> 00:22:53,836
Yeah?
606
00:22:53,871 --> 00:22:54,871
They're not gay.
607
00:22:55,873 --> 00:22:56,984
In fact, one of them tried
608
00:22:57,008 --> 00:22:57,973
to hit on me tonight.
609
00:22:58,009 --> 00:22:58,974
What?
610
00:22:59,010 --> 00:22:59,975
But you said they were.
611
00:23:00,011 --> 00:23:01,211
I said
612
00:23:01,245 --> 00:23:03,056
there were two
gay men in the bar.
613
00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:04,558
I didn't say who they were.
614
00:23:04,582 --> 00:23:06,459
They, along with myself,
615
00:23:06,483 --> 00:23:08,428
have had a wonderful time
616
00:23:08,452 --> 00:23:12,037
watching you make
complete idiots of yourself.
617
00:23:12,073 --> 00:23:16,374
Yeah, the guys I was
talking about are still here.
618
00:23:16,410 --> 00:23:17,688
Right, guys?
619
00:23:17,712 --> 00:23:19,312
Right. Right.
620
00:23:25,569 --> 00:23:27,252
Better than Vera.
41797
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