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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,602 --> 00:00:04,671 >>> LIVE FROM CENTRAL PARK, IT'S 2 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:20,053 HERE IN NEW YORK CITY, AND THE TEMPERATURE HIT 90 DEGREES THIS WEEK, A FULL TWO MONTHS AHEAD OF 3 00:00:20,053 --> 00:00:23,556 SCHEDULE. WHILE THAT MAY BE TERRIFYING ON A CLIMATE LEVEL, THE WARM 4 00:00:23,556 --> 00:00:32,032 WEATHER CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING. ALL THE FREAKS, CRAZIES, AND WEIRDOS ARE HEADED TO CENTRAL 5 00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:37,203 PARK. AND WE'RE EXPECTED TO SEE SOME ICONIC PARK PEOPLE TODAY, AREN'T 6 00:00:37,203 --> 00:00:41,374 WE, JACE? >> WE SURE ARE. THE MOOD HERE IS ELECTRIC. 7 00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:49,582 THE SMELL OF HORSE MANURE IS IN THE AIR. IT'S A MAN DOING AN AGGRESSIVE 8 00:00:49,582 --> 00:00:52,552 POWER WALK. >> HI THERE. >> FIRST, DISH ON THIS OUTFIT. 9 00:00:52,552 --> 00:00:59,225 >> CERTAIN WILL I. I'M WEARING THE TIGHTEST SPANDEX SHIRT OF ALL TIME, LITTLE 10 00:00:59,225 --> 00:01:03,630 SHORTS, AND A WEIRD HEART RATE MONITOR STRAPPED TO MY ARM. >> ICONIC. 11 00:01:03,630 --> 00:01:07,434 CAN YOU GIVE US A PREVIEW OF YOUR WALK? >> ABSOLUTELY. 12 00:01:07,434 --> 00:01:11,104 BEHIND YOU, BEHIND YOU, ON YOUR LEFT. AND THERE IT IS. 13 00:01:11,104 --> 00:01:16,943 >> WOW, GORGEOUS. DANA. >> WELL, JACE, I AM STAR STRUCK 14 00:01:16,943 --> 00:01:25,118 RIGHT NOW AS I AM JOINED BY NOT ONE BUT TWO PERVERTS WHO CAME TO THE PARK TO PLEASURE THEMSELVES. 15 00:01:25,118 --> 00:01:30,390 >> NICE TO BE OUT OF THE SUBWAY. >> EXCITED FOR THE BIG DAY? >> OH, YEAH. 16 00:01:30,390 --> 00:01:39,099 I GOT MY MODESTY BLANKET AND BY KNOCK LARS, SO I'M GOOD TO GO. >> YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND YOUR 17 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:44,204 BOYS, THIS IS BUSHES, BABY. >> ANY NEW TECHNIQUES THIS YEAR? >> OH, JUST ONE. 18 00:01:44,204 --> 00:01:47,974 >> IS THAT A FAKE ARM? >> YEAH. >> WOW! 19 00:01:47,974 --> 00:01:51,011 SHAME ON YOU BOTH. JACE. >> WELL, WE WERE HOPING SHE 20 00:01:51,011 --> 00:01:54,781 WOULD MAKE AN APPEARANCE. IT'S A WOMAN LEARNING TO ROLLER BLADE. 21 00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:59,119 >> YEAH. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO LEARN, AND I THOUGHT WHAT BETTER PLACE THAN 22 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:03,590 ON A CROWDED PATHWAY FILLED WITH THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE. >> HORRIBLE PLAN. 23 00:02:03,590 --> 00:02:07,827 LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT. >> HERE I GO. >> AND SHE FELL RIGHT AWAY. 24 00:02:07,827 --> 00:02:12,132 DANA. >> WELL, LOOK WHO I FOUND. TWO OF CENTRAL PARK'S FINEST. 25 00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:17,537 PARK EMPLOYEES WHO DO NOT CARE ABOUT THEIR JOBS. HOW YOU GUYS FEELING? 26 00:02:17,537 --> 00:02:20,273 >> WE ARE VERY HIGH RIGHT NOW. YES. THANK YOU FOR ASKING. 27 00:02:20,273 --> 00:02:24,277 >> AMAZING. ANY WARNINGS FOR THOSE WHO VIOLATE PARK RULES? 28 00:02:24,277 --> 00:02:32,419 >> YOU DO YOU. >> INSPIRING WORDS. JACE, I HEAR YOU'VE SPOTTED AN 29 00:02:32,419 --> 00:02:35,555 ABSOLUTE LEGEND. >> WELL, I HOPE SHE'LL STOP TO TALK. 30 00:02:35,555 --> 00:02:41,094 IT'S A LADY TRYING TO TELL SOMEONE WHERE SHE IS. >> WELL, I DON'T SEE YOU, BITCH. 31 00:02:41,094 --> 00:02:45,799 I'M RIGHT WHERE I SAID I WOULD BE. RIGHT BY THE BIG TREE, THE BIG 32 00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:49,703 TREE NEAR THE BRIDGE. >> OH, JUST MISSED HER. DANA. 33 00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:54,207 >> HE'S BACK. IT'S THE GROWN MAN WITH THE DRONE WHO'S ALONE. 34 00:02:54,207 --> 00:03:00,647 >> HEY, THERE. >> AND YOU WON'T BE FILMING GIRLS LAYING OUT SUN BATHING, 35 00:03:00,647 --> 00:03:06,720 WILL YOU? >> NO. >> I DON'T BELIEVE YOU. 36 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:11,791 NOW, JACE, THIS GUY IS BAD, BUT I HEAR YOU'RE WITH ONE OF THE WORST PARK PEOPLE OF ALL. 37 00:03:11,791 --> 00:03:15,929 >> I SURE AM. IT'S THE GUY WITH THE CLIPBOARD WHO WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE A 38 00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:21,735 SECOND FOR A GOOD CAUSE. NOW, PEOPLE ABSOLUTELY HATE YOU. CAN YOU TELL US WHY? 39 00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:28,308 >> WELL, I THINK IT'S BECAUSE I ZERO IN ON FOLKS TRYING TO ENJOY THEMSELVES AND PESTER THEM FOR 40 00:03:28,308 --> 00:03:30,910 MONEY. >> ABSOLUTELY. CAN WE SEE THAT IN ACTION? 41 00:03:30,910 --> 00:03:35,448 >> YOU BET. WOW. COOL SHIRT. 42 00:03:35,448 --> 00:03:37,917 YOU HAVE A SECOND FOR -- >> NO! I DONATED BEFORE. 43 00:03:37,917 --> 00:03:40,954 >> WHAT AN ABSOLUTE PAIN IN THE ASS. DANA. 44 00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:45,091 >> IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE. IT'S A CRAZY MAN WITH A MICROPHONE. 45 00:03:45,091 --> 00:03:49,829 >> GOOD TO BE BACK FOR ANOTHER YEAR. >> AND I SEE YOU BROUGHT A LADY 46 00:03:49,829 --> 00:03:53,767 FRIEND WITH YOU. >> I SURE DID. THIS WOMAN WILL BE DEBATING THE 47 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:57,671 NONSENSE THAT I SCREAM AS IF I'M A RATIONAL MAN WHOSE MIND CAN BE CHANGED. 48 00:03:57,671 --> 00:04:04,511 >> CAN WE GET A PREVIEW? >> OF COURSE. >> OUR PLEASURE. 49 00:04:04,511 --> 00:04:11,317 >> BIDEN CREATED THE CORONAVIRUS. >> THAT IS BOLOGNA! 50 00:04:11,317 --> 00:04:15,689 >> WOW. I CAN'T TELL WHO ANNOYS ME MORE. JACE. 51 00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:21,428 >> WELL, WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR HER TO ARRIVE. IT'S WEALTHY WOMAN AND CHILD. 52 00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:26,199 I FOUGHT TO ASK, WHAT'S THE PLAN TODAY? >> I'M TAKING RILEY HERE TO THE 53 00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:31,338 PLAYGROUND WHERE I'LL SNAP INTO AN IMMEDIATE PANIC IF I LOSE SIGHT OF HIM FOR ONE MINUTE. 54 00:04:31,338 --> 00:04:34,774 RILEY? RILEY! >> OH, NO. 55 00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:39,713 >> WELL, I STILL DON'T SEE YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M DONE LOOKING FOR YOU, BITCH. 56 00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:45,418 YOU COME FIND ME. I'LL BE IN THE GRASS IN A RED BIKINI GETTING MYSELF SOME SUN. 57 00:04:45,418 --> 00:04:51,925 >> WELL, WE'VE GOT PLENTY MORE PARK PEOPLE COMING UP, INCLUDING A WOMAN WITH AN OUT OF CONTROL 58 00:04:51,925 --> 00:04:56,596 DOG AND A PERFORMANCE FROM SOME A-HOLE PLAYING A GUITAR. AND LIVE -- 59 00:04:56,596 --> 00:04:59,099 >> OKAY. GIRL, >> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S 60 00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:01,301 GIRL, >> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! 61 00:05:10,810 --> 00:06:15,108 >> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- 62 00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:16,242 >> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- FEATURING -- 63 00:07:00,487 --> 00:07:04,224 MUSICAL GUEST KAROL G. AND YOUR HOST, ANA de ARMAS. 64 00:07:04,224 --> 00:07:28,314 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ANA de ARMAS! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 65 00:07:28,314 --> 00:07:35,422 >>> GRACIAS. GRACIAS. [ SPEAKING SPANISH ] 66 00:07:35,422 --> 00:07:41,828 JUST KIDDING. I SPEAK ENGLISH. BUT I DIDN'T WHEN I FIRST GOT TO 67 00:07:41,828 --> 00:07:48,835 THE U.S. I WAS BORN IN CUBA, CAME TO AMERICA WHEN I WAS 26, AND I 68 00:07:48,835 --> 00:07:55,709 LEARNED ENGLISH THE WAY EVERYONE WHO COMES TO THIS COUNTRY DOES, BY WATCHING "FRIENDS." 69 00:07:55,709 --> 00:08:01,481 WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THE BEST ENGLISH TUTOR WOULD HAVE BEEN CHANDLER BING. 70 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:07,020 LOOK AT ME NOW, COULD I BE ANY BETTER AT ENGLISH? ACTING HERE WAS DIFFICULT AT 71 00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:11,825 FIRST BECAUSE I DIDN'T ALWAYS UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS SAYING. THEN I MET A GUY WHO HAD A CLASS 72 00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:17,397 CALLED HOW TO AUDITION, WHICH WAS DEFINITELY A SCAM. HE HAD ME READ A SCENE, AND 73 00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:22,035 THERE WAS THIS LINE, I BEG YOUR PARDON. BUT I HAD NEVER SEEN OR HEARD 74 00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:29,075 THAT PHRASE, SO I THOUGHT THIS CHARACTER WAS LITERALLY BEGGING. SO WHEN I DID THE LINE, I SAID, 75 00:08:29,075 --> 00:08:33,713 I BEG YOUR PARDON! GIVE IT TO ME! THEN SOMEONE ELSE IN THE CLASS 76 00:08:33,713 --> 00:08:39,919 READ THE LINE, AND I WAS LIKE, OH, CAN I TRY AGAIN? THIS HAS BEEN A MAGICAL YEAR. 77 00:08:39,919 --> 00:08:48,194 NOT ONLY I WAS NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 78 00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:51,364 BUT IN THREE WEEKS, I'M GOING OFFICIALLY BECOME AN AMERICAN CITIZEN. 79 00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:58,271 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I AM PROUD TO BECOME A CITIZEN BECAUSE WHEN I MOVED HERE, 80 00:08:58,271 --> 00:09:06,012 EVERYONE WAS SO WELCOMING. WHEN I DID MY FIRST MOVIE IN THE U.S. CALLED HANDS OF STONE, I 81 00:09:06,012 --> 00:09:14,788 GOT TO WORK WITH ROBERT DE NIRO, AND ONE DAY ON SET, HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO CUBA SOON, AND IF I 82 00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:18,725 DO, I'LL SAY HELLO TO YOUR FAMILY. HE ASKED ME FOR THEIR PHONE 83 00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:23,196 NUMBER. I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT IT, AND ONE DAY I GET A PHONE CALL 84 00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:30,804 FROM MY DAD, HE'S HYSTERICAL, AND I GO, DAD, WHAT'S WRONG, AND HE GOES, ROBERT DE NIRO JUST 85 00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:35,608 CAME TO VISIT ME AT WORK. THAT WAS SUCH A KIND GESTURE, AND I HAVE BEEN SO FORTUNATE TO 86 00:09:35,608 --> 00:09:41,348 WORK WITH SO MANY WONDERFUL ACTORS. MY DAD WAS SO PROUD OF ME, AND 87 00:09:41,348 --> 00:09:47,654 HE WOULD BE PROUD TO SEE ME TODAY STANDING ON THIS STAGE. I FEEL VERY LUCKY TO BE HERE. 88 00:09:47,654 --> 00:09:52,058 I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME MY NAME WAS IN THE NEW YORK CROSS WORD. 89 00:09:52,058 --> 00:09:55,628 EVERYONE TEXTED ME, AND THEY SAID, YOU MADE IT. AND I THOUGHT I DID. 90 00:09:55,628 --> 00:10:00,800 BUT THEN, A COUPLE MONTHS AGO, SNL CALLED ME AND SAID, ANA, WE WANT YOU TO HOST. 91 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:06,806 AND I WAS SO SHOCKED AND EXCITED THAT ALL I COULD SAY WAS -- I BEG YOUR PARDON! 92 00:10:06,806 --> 00:10:09,476 WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. KAROL G IS HERE. 93 00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:14,180 KAROL G IS HERE. STICK AROUND. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 94 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:33,333 HERE IN THE DOME. >> GOOD EVENING. GOOD EVENING. 95 00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:38,505 I'M TED CONLEY, AND THIS IS THE DOME. NOW LET'S MEET THE TEAMS VYING 96 00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:43,443 FOR A CHANCE AT THE $1 MILLION PRIZE. TEAM ONE, INTRODUCE YOURSELVES. 97 00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:48,748 >> I'M BETH AND THIS IS MY BROTHER-IN-LAW, ROB. >> PROOF THAT IN-LAWS CAN GET 98 00:10:48,748 --> 00:10:51,151 ALONG. WE'RE HAVING FUN. OKAY. 99 00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:56,589 WHO DO WE HAVE ON TEAM TWO? >> I'M CARMEN, AND THIS IS MY HUSBAND MATT. 100 00:10:56,589 --> 00:11:00,160 >> ALL RIGHT. CARMEN AND HER COUSIN MATT. OKAY. 101 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:04,130 >> NO, NO. MATT'S MY HUSBAND. >> I'M SORRY. 102 00:11:04,130 --> 00:11:09,069 I HAVE A BAD EAR FOR ACCENTS. SOUNDS LIKE YOU SAID THAT MATT'S YOUR HUSBAND. 103 00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:11,905 >> I DID. WE'RE MARRIED. >> UH-HUH. 104 00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:17,911 >> TO EACH OTHER? >> YEPERONI. >> OKAY. 105 00:11:17,911 --> 00:11:25,585 SO, LET ME JUST CLARIFY WHAT'S GOING ON HERE. SO YOU, WHO ARE YOU, ARE MARRIED 106 00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:30,557 TO HE, WHO IS HIM? >> YEP. WE ARE MR. AND MRS. MATTHEW 107 00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:41,701 PATRICK SCHATT. >> YOUR NAME IS MATT PAT SCHATT? >> YES, SIR. 108 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:47,674 IS THAT OKAY? >> NOT REALLY. NOW, I GOT TO ASK, WHY ARE YOU 109 00:11:47,674 --> 00:11:52,812 ON THE SHOW WHEN YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY EXTREMELY WEALTHY? >> OH, NO, I AM NOT WEALTHY. 110 00:11:52,812 --> 00:11:57,217 >> WELL, THEN, WHY IS SHE WITH YOU? >> ISN'T IT OBVIOUS? 111 00:11:57,217 --> 00:12:02,288 >> NO! OH, MAN, I GOT TO CALM DOWN. I GOTS TO CALM DOWN. 112 00:12:02,288 --> 00:12:07,794 IF YOU'RE NOT RICH, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING? >> I DANCE WITH THE SAN 113 00:12:07,794 --> 00:12:12,966 FRANCISCO BALLET, AND MATT WORKS IN THE FOOD INDUSTRY. >> OH, SO YOU'RE A CHEF? 114 00:12:12,966 --> 00:12:17,103 >> NO. I'M A TASTE TESTER AT PURINA DOG CHOW. 115 00:12:17,103 --> 00:12:22,642 >> HE TRIES NEW DOG FOODS TO TELL THEM IF IT'S TOO, LIKE, SPICY. 116 00:12:22,642 --> 00:12:33,353 YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THE DOGS CAN TALK. >> SO YOU EAT DOG FOOD FOR 117 00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:37,757 MONEY? >> SOME DAY, HOPEFULLY. IT'S VOLUNTEER RIGHT NOW, BUT 118 00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:42,629 FINGERS CROSSED IT TURNS INTO A PAID GIG SOON. >> YOU EAT THE DOG FOOD FOR 119 00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:44,864 FREE? OH, MY GOD. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. 120 00:12:44,864 --> 00:12:49,569 I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON. THIS DUDE HAS OBVIOUSLY GOT THE 121 00:12:49,569 --> 00:12:52,872 BADDEST BITCH I EVER SEEN, AND WHAT IS HAPPENING? SORRY, EVERYBODY. 122 00:12:52,872 --> 00:12:57,243 I JUST HAD A STROKE. ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET BACK TO IT. 123 00:12:57,243 --> 00:13:02,382 JUST TRY TO FIGURE OUT HOW THIS ABSOLUTE DIME IS MARRIED TO MATT SCHATT. 124 00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:07,721 OH, BETH, YOU GOT AN ANSWER? >> I THINK I DO. HE OBVIOUSLY GAVE HER A KIDNEY 125 00:13:07,721 --> 00:13:12,759 AND SAVED HER LIFE. >> HE DIDN'T GIVE ME A KIDNEY. >> ROB, CHANCE TO STEAL. 126 00:13:12,759 --> 00:13:17,197 >> HE'S A HANGING EIGHT BUT A STANDING 12? >> NO. 127 00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:24,704 AND FYI, HE'S HANGING FIVE AND WHEN HE STANDS IT'S A FOUR. >> SO WHEN HE GETS EXCITED IT 128 00:13:24,704 --> 00:13:30,710 GETS SMALLER? >> THAT'S RIGHT. ONE OF THOSE THINGS. 129 00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:36,082 >> I'M BUZZING IN ON THIS ONE. HERE'S WHAT I THINK, SHE HYPNOTIZED. 130 00:13:36,082 --> 00:13:41,588 >> YOU'RE ALL SOUNDING CRAZY. LOOK AT MY HUSBAND. I THINK IT'S OBVIOUS WHY I'M 131 00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:44,824 WITH HIM. >> THE JUDGES SAY NO. >> I'M SORRY. 132 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:49,529 CAN WE PLAY THE GAME NOW OR -- >> OF COURSE, OF COURSE. I'M SORRY. 133 00:13:49,529 --> 00:13:54,834 MATT AND CARMEN, YOU WON THE COIN TOSS BACKSTAGE, SO THE FIRST QUESTION GOES TO YOU. 134 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:59,172 >> OH, MY GOSH. I'M SO NERVOUS. I'M LIKE ALREADY SWEATING. 135 00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,775 ONE SECOND. >> FREEZE. ZOOM IN ON THIS. 136 00:14:01,775 --> 00:14:08,081 >> WHAT? >> WHAT IN THE HECK? MATT PAT SCHATT HAS GOT A 137 00:14:08,081 --> 00:14:13,053 GRIFFIN NIPPLES. LOOK AT ALL OF THESE. EWW. 138 00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:16,690 >> YEAH. EVERY COUPLE OF YEARS, A NEW ONE POPS UP. 139 00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:21,695 JUST ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE THINGS. >> BABE, PUT YOUR SHIRT DOWN. 140 00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:25,865 I'M GOING TO GET TOO EXCITED. >> BUT WHY, THOUGH? I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. 141 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:30,070 LET'S JUST TAKE A BREAK WHILE I HAVE ANOTHER STROKE. BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND 142 00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:33,873 WHAT'S GOING ON. SHE BAD. RIGHT? 143 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:34,974 SHE BAD. RIGHT? SHE BAD. 144 00:14:40,513 --> 00:14:46,386 BARBIE MOVIE, BUT NOT ALL DOLLS LIVE IN A DREAM HOUSE. SOME ARE BIGGER, YOUNGER, 145 00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:51,091 SADDER. SOME DOLLS ARE AMERICAN GIRLS. >> HI, KIRSTEN. 146 00:14:51,091 --> 00:14:57,364 >> HI MOLLY. >> HI SAMANTHA. >> AND I'M ADDY. 147 00:14:57,364 --> 00:15:02,402 NO ONE SAID HI TO ME. >> THIS SUMMER, A NEW LIVE ACTION STORY ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE 148 00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:10,243 HISTORICALLY ACCURATE DOLLS, EACH WITH THEIR OWN BACK STORY. >> I'M FROM VICTORIAN TIMES. 149 00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:14,781 I WATCHED MY PARENTS DIE IN A BOAT. >> THAT'S OKAY. 150 00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:20,687 MY DADDY'S A PRISONER OF WAR, AND TRAGICALLY, I HAVE GLASSES. >> THAT'S OKAY. 151 00:15:20,687 --> 00:15:24,257 MY MAMA IS DEAD. >> THAT'S OKAY. I DON'T KNOW MY BIRTHDAY BECAUSE 152 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:32,332 I'M A RUN AWAY SLAVE. >> LET'S PLAY. >> YEA! 153 00:15:32,332 --> 00:15:38,972 >> DO THEY HAVE PINK CORVETTES? NOPE, BOYFRIENDS, NO WAY. DID ALL THEIR FAMILY MEMBERS DIE 154 00:15:38,972 --> 00:15:44,344 OF VAGUE OLD-TIMEY DISEASES? ABSOLUTELY. >> FASHION SHOW. 155 00:15:44,344 --> 00:15:52,619 >> COME FOR THE FUN, STAY FOR THE OVERBURDENED PRETEENS WEARING FOUR LAYERS OF COATS AND 156 00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:56,823 PANTALOONS. >> WHAT'S WRONG? YOU'VE BARELY TOUCHED YOUR TEA. 157 00:15:56,823 --> 00:16:07,667 >> THE MEMORY OF MY MAMA IS SLIPPING AWAY. LOOK WHAT I CAN DO. 158 00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:12,472 >> THAT'S OKAY. >> YEAH. >> AUDIENCES ARE RAVING. 159 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:17,677 WE LOVED IT, SAYS GIRLS WHO PLAYED SOCCER MAGAZINE. THE NEW YORK TIMES WRITES, THESE 160 00:16:17,677 --> 00:16:21,348 LITTLE GIRLS ARE GOING THROUGH TOO MUCH. >> WHAT DO YOU SAY, GIRLS, 161 00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:24,050 SHOULD WE HAVE A SLEEPOVER TONIGHT? >> YEA. 162 00:16:24,050 --> 00:16:27,954 >> WHAT ABOUT YOU, ADDY? >> I'M GOOD. I DON'T TRUST NONE OF Y'ALL. 163 00:16:27,954 --> 00:16:33,093 >> WATCH AS THE AMERICAN GIRLS TRAVEL ON A JOURNEY FROM AMERICAN GIRL LAND TO THE MODERN 164 00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:36,329 WORLD. >> I'M GOING TO STOP WORLD WAR II. 165 00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:44,804 >> AND I'M GOING TO STOP THE SPANISH AMERICAN WAR. >> AND I'M GOING TO END CHOLERA. 166 00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:48,074 SPANISH AMERICAN WAR. >> AND I'M GOING TO END CHOLERA. >> THAT'S OKAY. 167 00:16:58,151 --> 00:17:02,088 A PRODUCER. I'M ABOUT TO RELEASE MY FIRST ALBUM. 168 00:17:02,088 --> 00:17:04,491 JALAPENO JONES. >> THANKS FOR HELPING US OUT TODAY. 169 00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:09,462 >> HOW Y'ALL DOING? >> WHAT'S GOOD, SPICY? >> WE JUST LOOKING FOR A NEW 170 00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:15,035 PRODUCER TAG FOR MY BEATS, SOMETHING SEXY AND COOL. >> FOR EXAMPLE, SOMETHING LIKE, 171 00:17:15,035 --> 00:17:20,807 MAKE THAT MUSIC. >> AND WE'VE HEARD YOU HAVE SOME BEAUTIFUL VOICES, SO WE NEED TO 172 00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:25,812 HEAR YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE, YOUNG SPICY SO FUEGO. >> WE CAN DO THAT. 173 00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:33,586 >> WE GOT YOU, MR. SPICY. >> I'M GOING TO START THE BEAT, YOU TWO TAKE IT AWAY, AND WE'LL 174 00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:37,590 GET SOME LUNCH. >> WE'LL GIVE YOU SOME OPTIONS. YOUNG SPICY GOT THAT FIRE. 175 00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:42,595 >> YOUNG SPICY'S FLAMING HOT. >> EXACTLY LIKE THAT. KEEP THAT GOING. 176 00:17:42,595 --> 00:17:50,537 >> OOH, YOUNG SPICY, YOU STUPID. >> OOH, SPICY CAN'T READ. >> DAMN, SPICY, YOU ILLITERATE. 177 00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:54,274 >> OKAY. I LOVE IT. BUT JUST FYI, I CAN READ. 178 00:17:54,274 --> 00:17:56,943 I'M A READER. >> OKAY. >> ALL RIGHT. 179 00:17:56,943 --> 00:18:05,518 WE GOT YOU. WE GOT YOU. >> OOH, SPICY CAN READ BUT HAS 180 00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:08,555 TROUBLES WITH MATH. >>LET STOP. >> I THINK WE GOT IT, MAN. 181 00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:12,425 LET'S GET SOME LUNCH. >> NO LUNCH. SO Y'ALL REMEMBER THE 182 00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:15,862 ASSIGNMENT, RIGHT? >> WE HEAR YOU. WE GOOD. 183 00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:21,234 >> WE'RE ARTISTS. WE JUST RESPONDING TO THE VIBES. >> LET'S DO A DIFFERENT VIBE 184 00:18:21,234 --> 00:18:26,106 THEN. LET'S DO SOMETHING LIKE, TO OH, SPICY, THESE BEATS NASTY. 185 00:18:26,106 --> 00:18:34,514 >> ALL RIGHT, COOL. >> ONE MORE TAKE AND THEN WE ALL GETTING GYROS. 186 00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:39,652 TZATZIKI SAUCE ON THE SIDE. TAKE TWO. >> OH, SPICY, YOU FILTHY FOR 187 00:18:39,652 --> 00:18:43,289 THIS. >> LET'S GET A COUPLE MORE LIKE THAT, YEAH. 188 00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:49,496 >> SPICY, WHY YOU SLEEP NEXT TO YOUR LAUNDRY. >> SPICY DON'T WASH HIS PILLOWS. 189 00:18:49,496 --> 00:18:54,167 HE'S GROSS. >> DAMN, SPICY, YOU GOT THAT DARK RING AROUND YOUR TOILET. 190 00:18:54,167 --> 00:19:00,540 I'M UNCOMFORTABLE HERE. >> DAMN SPICY, YOU LIKE THAT. >> STOP. 191 00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:07,847 OKAY, LADIES, I AM BEGGING YOU. CAN Y'ALL SAY SOMETHING LIKE, OH, THE LADIES LOVE SPICY? 192 00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:17,924 >> YEAH. AND AFTER THIS TAKE, I'M GOING TO GET SOME HUMMUS WITH THE PITA 193 00:19:17,924 --> 00:19:20,927 BREAD. >> DAMN, SPICY GETTING EVERYTHING PREGNANT. 194 00:19:20,927 --> 00:19:27,767 >> GETTING CLOSER. >> THE BABY'S YOURS FOR SURE. >> DAMN, SPICY, MY WATER BROKE. 195 00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:34,574 >> DAMN, SPICY, I'M GOING TO NAME THE BABY DELONTE. >> SPICY, DRIVE ME TO THE 196 00:19:34,574 --> 00:19:41,881 HOSPITAL IN YOUR 2001 COROLLA. >> NO, NO BABY STUFF, AND LEAVE MY COROLLA OUT OF THIS, ALL 197 00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:45,819 RIGHT? TALK ABOUT HOW LIKE SPICY GETS YOU HOT, SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 198 00:19:45,819 --> 00:19:50,323 >> OKAY. >> DAMN, SPICY GOT ME SWEATING. >> YEAH, THANK YOU. 199 00:19:50,323 --> 00:19:54,561 >> OH, I DON'T USUALLY SWEAT LIKE THIS. I'M SCARED. 200 00:19:54,561 --> 00:20:01,201 >> DAMN, SPICY, WHY THE ROOM SPINNING ALL THE SUDDEN? >> DAMN, SPICY, ALL I HAD WAS 201 00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:05,705 ONE SPRITE. I SHOULDN'T BE FEELING LIKE THIS. 202 00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:14,381 >> OOH, I THINK SPICY PUT SOMETHING IN MY DRINK. >> SPICY NEEDS TO BE ON A WATCH 203 00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:16,383 LIST. >> CUT THAT. DELETE THAT, ACTUALLY. 204 00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:20,587 HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S JUST CALL IT A DAY. I'M GOOD. 205 00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:23,423 >> OKAY. I MEAN, LISTEN -- >> WHATEVER. 206 00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:25,592 I MEAN -- >> RIGHT? COME ON. 207 00:20:25,592 --> 00:20:33,366 >> WE GAVE YOU FUEGO. >> YOU SHOULD JUST USE THE ONE ABOUT THE RING AROUND YOUR 208 00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:36,770 TOILET FOR REAL. >> SPICY, CAN I TRY ONE? PLEASE? 209 00:20:36,770 --> 00:20:41,141 >> ALL RIGHT. >> YEAH, SPICY GOT THAT FIRE. >> I LIKE THAT. 210 00:20:41,141 --> 00:20:44,644 >> YEAH, YEAH, SPICY GOT THAT HEAT. >> OKAY. 211 00:20:44,644 --> 00:20:48,281 >> SPICY STRUGGLES WITH HIS READING. >> NO! 212 00:20:48,281 --> 00:20:50,417 READING. >> NO! >> THAT'S NOT IT? 213 00:21:10,870 --> 00:21:12,906 [ SPEAKING SPANISH ] EXCELENTE. BEFORE WE GET STARTED, WHAT DID 214 00:21:12,906 --> 00:21:24,718 EVERYONE DO THIS WEEKEND? AND REMEMBER, ANSWER IN ESPANOL. >> COMO SE DICE EDIBLES? 215 00:21:24,718 --> 00:21:31,758 >> OKAY. >> MR. McINTOSH? >> HOLA, PRINCIPAL DAVIDSON, 216 00:21:31,758 --> 00:21:35,595 COMO ESTAS? >> THE NEW TRANSFER STUDENTS ARE HERE. 217 00:21:35,595 --> 00:21:43,269 COME ON IN, GUYS. >> HAVE A SEAT. [ SPEAKING SPANISH ] 218 00:21:43,269 --> 00:21:49,843 I'M ASKING YOUR NAMES IN CASE >> -- [ SPEAKING SPANISH ] 219 00:21:49,843 --> 00:22:03,723 >> -- [ SPEAKING SPANISH ] >> UH-OH. 220 00:22:03,723 --> 00:22:10,063 A LITTLE FAST. THAT WAS A LITTLE FAST POR ME, VERY COOL. 221 00:22:10,063 --> 00:22:13,967 ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET STARTED. TODAY, WE'RE GOING OVER OUR 222 00:22:13,967 --> 00:22:21,641 FAVORITE FOODS. OKAY? SO, RICKY, WHAT IS YOURS? 223 00:22:21,641 --> 00:22:36,823 >> MI FAR VRKS ORITA IS PIZZA. >> ES PIZZA. WHAT ABOUT YOU, HUGO? 224 00:22:36,823 --> 00:22:48,101 >> -- [ SPEAKING SPANISH ] >> YUMMY! 225 00:22:48,101 --> 00:22:57,143 >> WHOA! WHAT DID HE SAY, MR. McINTOSH? >> SI, SI, I HEARD RICE 226 00:22:57,143 --> 00:23:07,954 SOMEWHERE IN THERE, AKA, NIES. >> I THINK YOU MEAN ARROZ. >> YES, YES. 227 00:23:07,954 --> 00:23:10,724 ARROZ. YES, ARROZ, OF COURSE. OF COURSE. 228 00:23:10,724 --> 00:23:16,830 SO, HUGO LIKES ARROZ. ALL RIGHT. I AM SWEATING A LITTLE BIT. 229 00:23:16,830 --> 00:23:21,301 WHO ELSE WANTS TO SAY THEIR FAVORITE FOOD? OKAY. 230 00:23:21,301 --> 00:23:28,641 ANYBODY ELSE? OKAY. MARIA. 231 00:23:28,641 --> 00:23:53,233 >> -- [ SPEAKING SPANISH ] >> RICO, SI. 232 00:23:53,233 --> 00:23:59,339 >> SENOR McINTOSH, COMO SE DICE I'M IN LOVE? >> OKAY. 233 00:23:59,339 --> 00:24:11,351 VERY GOOD PREGUNTA. ESTOY EMARADO. >> IN MY COUNTRY, WE SAY -- 234 00:24:11,351 --> 00:24:14,154 [ SPEAKING SPANISH ] WHICH MEANS GOING DOWN THE HILL WITH NO BRAKES. 235 00:24:14,154 --> 00:24:17,323 >> SI. THAT IS SO MUCH MORE ROMANTIC. I LOVE THAT. 236 00:24:17,323 --> 00:24:25,532 YOU KNOW, THIS MORNING, I CAME IN FEELING BUENO, BUT NOW I'M STARTING TO FEEL ASI ASI. 237 00:24:25,532 --> 00:24:31,538 >> JUST SO YOU KNOW, NO ONE IN OUR COUNTRY SAY ASI ASI. >> THAT'S LIKE IF SOMEBODY SAY 238 00:24:31,538 --> 00:24:38,111 HOW ARE YOU, AND YOU SAY, THAT, THAT. >> SI, SI, I KNOW. 239 00:24:38,111 --> 00:24:46,786 I WAS KIDDING. ESTOY KIDDING. I'M FEELING -- I'M FEELING A 240 00:24:46,786 --> 00:24:59,332 LITTLE CALIENTE UNDER MY COLLAR. TMA, ES UN TMI, I THINK I GOT THE RUNS. 241 00:24:59,332 --> 00:25:08,608 I'M GOING HEAD TO EL BANO. >> WHILE MR. McINTOSH IS GONE, CAN YOU GUYS TEACH US SOME 242 00:25:08,608 --> 00:25:23,056 STUFF? >> AND TO HELP US, WE BROUGHT SOME BACKUP. 243 00:25:23,056 --> 00:25:29,396 >> OKAY, CLASS. I JUST THINK THAT WE NEED TO START FROM THE VERY BEGINNING. 244 00:25:29,396 --> 00:25:30,930 >> UH-HUH. >> THE ALPHABET. >> OKAY. 245 00:25:30,930 --> 00:25:43,843 HIT IT. ** ** 246 00:25:48,114 --> 00:25:52,819 >>> THAT AFTERPARTY ON SATURDAY WAS WILD, HUH? >> SUPER WILD. 247 00:25:52,819 --> 00:25:57,557 THAT OPEN BAR GOT ME GOOD. CAN'T HELP BUT HAVE A LITTLE HANGXIETY. 248 00:25:57,557 --> 00:25:59,559 >> ABOUT WHAT? >> I DON'T KNOW. I WASN'T LIKE WEIRD TO ANYONE, 249 00:25:59,559 --> 00:26:10,370 WAS I? MICHAEL LONGFELLOW. KISS ATTACK. 250 00:26:10,370 --> 00:26:16,543 I WANT TO SEE THEM LONG FELLOWS. >> DUDE! STOP IT! 251 00:26:16,543 --> 00:26:21,748 >> THAT'S JUST HANGXIETY, MAN. IT'S ALWAYS WORSE IN YOUR HEAD THAN WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. 252 00:26:21,748 --> 00:26:25,452 >> OKAY. COOL. JUST WOKE UP TO A LOT OF MISSED 253 00:26:25,452 --> 00:26:28,455 CALLS. NO BIG DEAL. PROBABLY JUST HANGXIETY. 254 00:26:28,455 --> 00:26:33,393 >> NOTHING TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT, DUDE. LIKE, MARK, ME AND YOU ARE FINE, 255 00:26:33,393 --> 00:26:35,695 RIGHT? WE'RE ALL GOOD? >> YEAH. 256 00:26:35,695 --> 00:26:41,401 WHY WOULDN'T WE BE? >> GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK NOW! >> OH, YOU WANT YOUR PHONE? 257 00:26:41,401 --> 00:26:48,441 >> YEAH, GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK NOW! >> JUST MAKING SURE. 258 00:26:48,441 --> 00:26:52,879 ALL GOOD. >> MAN, HOW MUCH DID WE DRINK? >> NOT MUCH. 259 00:26:52,879 --> 00:26:58,952 I HAD LIKE TWO NEGRONIS AND MAYBE LIKE 40 BEERS. >> WHOEVER WAS BAR TENDING WAS 260 00:26:58,952 --> 00:27:03,690 MAKING THEM STRONG. >> DUDE, LET ME MAKE IT, YOU'RE TOO SLOW. 261 00:27:03,690 --> 00:27:09,662 >> I'M FILMING YOU. >> GO AHEAD, FILM ME. >> MAKE IT. 262 00:27:09,662 --> 00:27:16,236 >> MAN, WHO ORDERED THE MARGARINI? I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING. 263 00:27:16,236 --> 00:27:19,039 >> HEY, GUYS. >> ANA. >> THAT PARTY WAS FUN ON 264 00:27:19,039 --> 00:27:21,307 SATURDAY. >> THANKS FOR COMING. >> YOU WERE A DELIGHT. 265 00:27:21,307 --> 00:27:27,113 >> AND WERE ME AND YOU KIND OF VIBING? >> SO LIKE ARE YOUR THOUGHTS 266 00:27:27,113 --> 00:27:32,485 USUALLY IN SPANISH OR ENGLISH? >> CAN YOU STOP LIKE YELLING IN MY MOUTH? 267 00:27:32,485 --> 00:27:37,457 >> YOU'RE HILARIOUS. >> SERIOUSLY, YOU SMELL LIKE YOU HAVE A DEAD TOOTH. 268 00:27:37,457 --> 00:27:39,492 >> I LOVE IT. >> I DON'T THINK SO. >> COOL. 269 00:27:39,492 --> 00:27:44,664 DIDN'T THINK SO EITHER. BACK TO WORK. >> WELL, ANA, EVERYONE LOVED 270 00:27:44,664 --> 00:27:48,401 YOU. SERIOUSLY, I WAS WITH PEOPLE ALL NIGHT, AND ALL WE COULD TALK 271 00:27:48,401 --> 00:27:56,109 ABOUT WAS HOW FUN YOU WERE BEING. NO! 272 00:27:56,109 --> 00:27:59,746 >> THANK YOU. IT'S JUST SO NICE TO SEE YOU GUYS HOW YOU REALLY ARE LIKE A 273 00:27:59,746 --> 00:28:08,521 FAMILY HERE. * DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME * >> YOU NEED AUTO TUNE! 274 00:28:08,521 --> 00:28:13,927 YOU NEED AUTO TUNE! >> YOU'RE A JEALOUS BITCH! >> LITERALLY THE POT CALLING THE 275 00:28:13,927 --> 00:28:25,105 KETTLE BAD! >> MY SHIRT! >> FAMILY. 276 00:28:25,105 --> 00:28:28,241 >> WE ARE. >> TOTALLY. >> HEY, GUYS. 277 00:28:28,241 --> 00:28:34,214 OH, IT'S MESSY IN HERE. THAT'S CRAZY. I JUST WANT TO SAY YOUR BEHAVIOR 278 00:28:34,214 --> 00:28:40,053 AT THE AFTERPARTY WAS UNACCEPT LABLE. >> SORRY, MIKEY. 279 00:28:40,053 --> 00:28:41,955 >> THIS IS A WORK PLACE. ACT LIKE IT. >> OKAY, MAN. 280 00:28:41,955 --> 00:28:44,958 ACT LIKE IT. >> OKAY, MAN. GOD. 281 00:29:00,473 --> 00:29:22,262 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ** ** 282 00:29:22,262 --> 00:30:00,600 [ SINGING IN SPANISH ] ** ** 283 00:30:00,600 --> 00:30:12,112 [ SINGING IN SPANISH ] ** ** 284 00:30:12,112 --> 00:30:24,691 [ SINGING IN SPANISH ] ** ** 285 00:30:24,691 --> 00:30:41,341 [ SINGING IN SPANISH ] ** ** 286 00:30:41,341 --> 00:30:52,819 [ SINGING IN SPANISH ] ** [ SINGING IN SPANISH ] 287 00:30:52,819 --> 00:31:06,833 ** [ SINGING IN SPANISH ] ** 288 00:31:06,833 --> 00:31:25,919 [ SINGING IN SPANISH ] ** [ SINGING IN SPANISH ] 289 00:31:25,919 --> 00:31:36,963 ** [ SINGING IN SPANISH ] ** 290 00:31:36,963 --> 00:31:50,744 [ SINGING IN SPANISH ] ** ** 291 00:31:50,744 --> 00:32:00,420 ** ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 292 00:32:13,466 --> 00:32:18,705 MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 293 00:32:18,705 --> 00:32:22,542 GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE. 294 00:32:22,542 --> 00:32:28,081 >> I'M COLIN JOST. THE PERSON WHO ALLEGEDLY LEAKED CLASSIFIED PENTAGON DOCUMENTS ON 295 00:32:28,081 --> 00:32:36,756 SOCIAL MEDIA HAS BEEN IDENTIFIED AS JACK TEIXEIRA WHO IS A MASSACHUSETTS AIR NATIONAL 296 00:32:36,756 --> 00:32:42,562 GUARDSMAN, I ASSUME IN A SCHOOL PLAY. HE SHARED IS DOCUMENT IN A 297 00:32:42,562 --> 00:32:47,133 PRIVATE SOCIAL MEDIA GROUP THAT MEMBERS SAY STARTED AS A PLACE WHERE YOUNG MEN COULD PLAY WAR 298 00:32:47,133 --> 00:32:53,406 THEMED VIDEO GAMES, BOND OVER THEIR LOVE OF GUNS, AND POST RACIST MEMES, AND NOW IT'S 299 00:32:53,406 --> 00:33:00,513 RUINED. IT WAS REVEALED THAT JUST BEFORE HIS ARREST, TEIXEIRA CONTACTED 300 00:33:00,513 --> 00:33:05,352 THE MEMBERS OF HIS GROUP AND SAID, GUYS, IT'S BEEN GOOD. I LOVE YOU ALL. 301 00:33:05,352 --> 00:33:12,292 OF COURSE, HIS FRIENDS ALL REPLIED, GAY. >> THE ONLINE GROUP TEIXEIRA 302 00:33:12,292 --> 00:33:17,697 STARTED WAS NAMED THUGS SHAKER CENTRAL. THAT'S ALSO WHAT COLIN CALLS 303 00:33:17,697 --> 00:33:25,438 ATLANTA. PRESIDENT BIDEN IS TRYING TO DOWN PLAY THE RECENT LEAK OF 304 00:33:25,438 --> 00:33:31,144 CLASSIFIED U.S. DOCUMENTS THAT WERE POSTED ON SOCIAL MEDIA BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE OVER 80, A 305 00:33:31,144 --> 00:33:36,649 COUPLE OF LEAKS IS NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT. >> IN AN INTERVIEW, DONALD TRUMP 306 00:33:36,649 --> 00:33:40,720 CLAIMED NEW YORK POLICE AND COURT EMPLOYEES WERE CRYING WHEN THEY ARRESTED HIM. 307 00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:46,693 WHY IS EVERYONE IN TRUMP'S STORIES ALWAYS CRYING? >> PEOPLE CAME TO ME AND THEY 308 00:33:46,693 --> 00:33:52,632 SAW ME, AND THEY WERE CRYING. VERY TOUGH, VERY STRONG, VERY POWERFUL MEN WERE CRYING. 309 00:33:52,632 --> 00:33:58,571 THEY HAD TEARS IN THEIR EYES. THEY WERE ALL CRYING. PEOPLE WERE CRYING. 310 00:33:58,571 --> 00:34:04,277 THESE PEOPLE THAT DIDN'T CRY WHEN THEY WERE BABIES, AND THEY WERE CRYING. 311 00:34:04,277 --> 00:34:10,150 A LOT OF THEM WERE CRYING. >> YOU'RE BRAGGING THAT WHEN PEOPLE SEE YOU, THEY JUST LIKE 312 00:34:10,150 --> 00:34:14,454 BURST INTO TEARS, BECAUSE IT NEVER SOUNDS LIKE EXCITED CRYING. 313 00:34:14,454 --> 00:34:19,659 IT SOUNDS MORE LIKE SCARED CRYING LIKE WHEN HOSTAGES SEE JIGSAW. 314 00:34:19,659 --> 00:34:26,733 >> AFTER A JUDGE'S RULING LEFT ACCESS TO ABORTION PILLS UNCERTAIN, SOME STATE OFFICIALS 315 00:34:26,733 --> 00:34:33,940 ARE STOCK PILING THEM JUST IN CASE. CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR GAVIN NEWSOM 316 00:34:33,940 --> 00:34:44,718 AND NEW YORK COMEDIAN, MICHAEL CHE. AFTER IT WAS REVEALED THAT 317 00:34:44,718 --> 00:34:52,692 HARLAN CROWE BOUGHT CLARENCE THOMAS' HOME, HE SAID HE DID IT SO HE COULD TURN IT INTO A 318 00:34:52,692 --> 00:34:58,998 MUSEUM CALLED THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT HALL OF FAME. >> CONSERVATIVE JUDGES HAVE 319 00:34:58,998 --> 00:35:05,271 DEFENDED THOMAS SAYING HIS DEALS WITH HARLAN CROWE ARE NOT CORRUPT BECAUSE HE HAD NO DEALS 320 00:35:05,271 --> 00:35:09,409 BEFORE THE COURT. DOES THIS BILLIONAIRE STRIKE YOU AS SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T WANT THEM 321 00:35:09,409 --> 00:35:17,784 TO OVERTURN ROE V WADE? HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S AN A PAMPHLET CALLED WHY YOU HAVE TO KEEP IT. 322 00:35:17,784 --> 00:35:21,821 >> PRESIDENT BIDEN TRAVELED TO IRELAND THIS WEEK AND IS BEING CALLED THE MOST IRISH PRESIDENT 323 00:35:21,821 --> 00:35:27,861 SINCE KENNEDY. BIDEN HAS SO MUCH IRISH BLOOD THAT HE DOESN'T NEED A DRINK TO 324 00:35:27,861 --> 00:35:35,068 SLUR HIS WORDS. >> WOW. >> DID THAT GET YOUR PEOPLE? 325 00:35:35,068 --> 00:35:41,274 >> EASY. SENATOR DIANE FEINSTEIN WHO IS 89 IS FACING CALLS TO RESIGN 326 00:35:41,274 --> 00:35:45,512 FROM FELLOW DEMOCRATS. UNFORTUNATELY, FEINSTEIN IS ANSWERING THOSE CALLS ON HER 327 00:35:45,512 --> 00:35:52,619 STAPLER. >> REPUBLICAN SENATOR TIM SCOTT OF SOUTH CAROLINA ANNOUNCED THE 328 00:35:52,619 --> 00:35:57,090 LAUNCH OF AN EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE FOR A 2024 PRESIDENTIAL RUN. 329 00:35:57,090 --> 00:36:03,596 THAT NAME AGAIN IS TIM SCOTT, AS IN TIM'S GOT NO CHANCE OF BEING A NOMINEE. 330 00:36:05,498 --> 00:36:11,604 >> THE NEW MARIO BROTHERS MOVIE IS A HUGE HIT, AND MANY FANS WERE HOPING FOR AN APPEARANCE 331 00:36:11,604 --> 00:36:18,378 FROM ONE OF THE COOLEST CHARACTERS, FUNKY KONG. SO HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS 332 00:36:18,378 --> 00:36:26,386 FUNKY KONG. >> WHAT'S U COLIN? WHAT'S UP, LADIES? 333 00:36:26,386 --> 00:36:30,223 WHICH ONE OF Y'ALL GOING HOME WITH FUNKY KONG. >> ALL RIGHT. 334 00:36:30,223 --> 00:36:36,363 HOW ARE YOU DOING, FUNKY KONG? >> I'VE BEEN BETTER. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BE ALL 335 00:36:36,363 --> 00:36:43,236 OVER THIS MOVIE THAT JUST MADE $500 MILLION -- 600. BUT THIS IS HOW MUCH YOU GET TO 336 00:36:43,236 --> 00:36:45,739 SEE OF ME. >> YOU'RE JUST IN THE BACKGROUND? 337 00:36:45,739 --> 00:36:50,410 WHAT HAPPENED? >> THEY CUT ME OUT. I GUESS I'M TOO REAL FOR THEM. 338 00:36:50,410 --> 00:36:56,316 THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR WHAT I GOTS TO SAY, AND THEY SURE AS HELL DON'T WANT TO WATCH ME 339 00:36:56,316 --> 00:37:00,854 WORK. BRING IT BACK. ** 340 00:37:00,854 --> 00:37:05,191 >> WOW. I'M SO SORRY YOU GOT CUT. >> FUNKY DON'T WANT TO BE WHAT 341 00:37:05,191 --> 00:37:14,701 THEY WANT, COLIN. FUNKY DON'T THROW NO BARRELS. FUNKY KONG SPENDS ALL DAY 342 00:37:14,701 --> 00:37:21,808 CRUISING IN MY CART AND MY NIGHTS WITH A GLASS FULL OF BANANA RUM AND A BED FULL OF 343 00:37:21,808 --> 00:37:26,780 TOADS. >> ARE THE TOADS MALE OR FEMALE? >> FUNKY DON'T KNOW, FUNKY DON'T 344 00:37:26,780 --> 00:37:32,085 ASK. >> IT'S A SHAME YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOVIE BECAUSE YOUR COUSIN 345 00:37:32,085 --> 00:37:36,790 DONKEY KONG IS A MAJOR CHARACTER. >> YEAH, DONKEY KONG IS ALL UP 346 00:37:36,790 --> 00:37:41,161 IN IT. BUT THEY AIN'T EVEN USE MONKEY KONG. 347 00:37:41,161 --> 00:37:46,266 >> WHO IS MONKEY KONG? >> HE'S A DONKEY. THEM JAPANESE PEOPLE SURE ARE 348 00:37:46,266 --> 00:37:48,902 INTERESTING. YOU KNOW THEY KICKED ME OFF THE SET? 349 00:37:48,902 --> 00:37:52,572 >> WHAT? WHY? >> BECAUSE I WAS IN MY TRAILER 350 00:37:52,572 --> 00:38:00,613 DRUMMING ON BOOTY CHEEKS LIKE BONGOS. I WAS IN THERE LIKE, BOOTY 351 00:38:00,613 --> 00:38:07,320 CHEEKS, BOOTY CHEEKS. >> GREAT. REALLY GREAT. 352 00:38:07,320 --> 00:38:12,359 SO YOU WERE ORIGINALLY IN THE MOVIE. >> ABSOLUTELY, MAN. 353 00:38:12,359 --> 00:38:17,731 I HAD A FEW CHOICE SCENES. I WAS INCREDIBLE. I EVEN HAVE THE OLD SCRIPT RIGHT 354 00:38:17,731 --> 00:38:23,269 HERE. READ THIS WITH ME. I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I'M TALKING 355 00:38:23,269 --> 00:38:30,043 ABOUT. YOU BE MARIO AND LUIGI. >> LUIGI, WE GOT TO GET TO THE 356 00:38:30,043 --> 00:38:33,813 CASTLE. BUT THE FASTEST WAY IS RAINBOW ROAD. 357 00:38:33,813 --> 00:38:36,316 MARIO, RAINBOW ROAD? WE'LL FALL OFF. >> MAN, AIN'T NO BITCHES IN 358 00:38:36,316 --> 00:38:40,820 HERE. >> I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT'S THE ORIGINAL LINE. 359 00:38:40,820 --> 00:38:45,058 >> I TOLD YOU, MAN. I WAS DOPE. GO TO PAGE 36, MAN. 360 00:38:45,058 --> 00:38:49,229 THE SCENE WITH ME AND PEACH. >> YOU AND PEACH. OKAY. 361 00:38:49,229 --> 00:38:57,170 PRINCESS PEACH, FUNKY KONG, THEY'RE HOLDING OUR FRIENDS PRISONER AT WARIO STADIUM. 362 00:38:57,170 --> 00:39:04,310 CAN YOU HELP? >> GIRL, WHY DON'T YOU GO ON AND OPEN UP THAT PEACH AND LET ME 363 00:39:04,310 --> 00:39:08,448 SEE WHAT'S INSIDE. >> ALL RIGHT. HONESTLY, I CAN SEE WHY THEY CUT 364 00:39:08,448 --> 00:39:11,818 YOU OUT. >> COME ON. PEOPLE WOULD HAVE EATEN THAT UP, 365 00:39:11,818 --> 00:39:15,155 MAN. YOU EVER HAD MONKEY MEAT? >> NO. 366 00:39:15,155 --> 00:39:20,093 >> THAT'S NOT WHAT YOUR MAMA SAID LAST NIGHT. BRING IT BACK! 367 00:39:20,093 --> 00:39:25,031 BRING IT BACK! >> FUNKY KONG, EVERYONE. >> I'LL TAKE THAT. 368 00:39:30,670 --> 00:39:42,682 TITLE FORMERLY KNOWN AS MS. STATEN ISLAND. LOSER. 369 00:39:42,682 --> 00:39:51,925 >> YOU AND FUNKY KONG? ARCHEOLOGISTS HAVE DISCOVERED A THOUSAND-YEAR-OLD SCOREBOARD 370 00:39:51,925 --> 00:39:57,664 USED FOR AN ANCIENT MAYAN BALL GAME. THE SCORE WAS MAYANS 24, NEW 371 00:39:57,664 --> 00:40:03,336 YORK JETS, 0. THE DEPARTMENT OF SANITATION HAS LAUNCHED ITS FIRST CAMPAIGN WITH 372 00:40:03,336 --> 00:40:08,975 MESSAGES SUCH AS, IF YOU LITTER, YOU'RE GARBAGE, WHICH IS ACTUALLY DIALLED BACK FROM THE 373 00:40:08,975 --> 00:40:13,880 ORIGINAL VERSION, YOUR LITTER BELONGS IN THE TRASH NEXT TO YOUR WHORE WIFE. 374 00:40:13,880 --> 00:40:20,253 >> A PROPOSED BILL IN CALIFORNIA WOULD CREATE AN ALERT SYSTEM FOR MISSING BLACK WOMEN AND KIDS. 375 00:40:20,253 --> 00:40:31,231 THIS IS IN ADDITION TO THE ALERT SYSTEM FOR MISSING WHITE WOMEN AND KIDS, THE NEWS. 376 00:40:35,035 --> 00:40:40,407 >> WITH MENTAL HEALTH STRUGGLES ON THE RISE, SOME AMERICANS ARE SEEKING ALTERNATIVE FORMS OF 377 00:40:40,407 --> 00:40:45,945 WELLNESS. HERE TO HELP IS MEDITATION GURU GENESIS FRY. 378 00:40:45,945 --> 00:40:52,252 >> HELLO, COLIN. JOIN ME, WON'T YOU, ON A GUIDED MEDITATION TO THE CENTER OF YOUR 379 00:40:52,252 --> 00:40:56,089 MIND. >> OH. LIKE RIGHT NOW? 380 00:40:56,089 --> 00:41:01,661 >> YES, COLIN. COLIN, ARE YOU READY TO MEET COLIN? 381 00:41:01,661 --> 00:41:07,067 >> OH, I DON'T KNOW. I'M SCARED. >> COLIN, TAKE MY HAND. 382 00:41:07,067 --> 00:41:12,739 CLOSE YOUR EYES. >> OKAY. >> I WANT YOU TO PICTURE 383 00:41:12,739 --> 00:41:20,647 YOURSELF AFTER THE SHOW TONIGHT, COLIN. AS USUAL, FANS ARE TAKING 384 00:41:20,647 --> 00:41:29,089 PICTURES WITH CHLOE, SELFIES WITH BOWEN. YOU STEP OUTSIDE, AND NOT A 385 00:41:29,089 --> 00:41:32,392 SINGLE BALL FLASHES. >> THAT'S NOT TRUE. >> RELAX. 386 00:41:32,392 --> 00:41:36,596 RELAX YOUR ARMS, RELAX YOUR BODY, RELAX YOUR ARMS. SOFTER THAN I IMAGINED. 387 00:41:36,596 --> 00:41:47,273 >> OKAY. >> YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR WITHOUT ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR DRIVER. 388 00:41:47,273 --> 00:41:50,643 HE'S LIKE A SUBHUMAN CREATURE TO YOU. >> THAT'S NOT TRUE. 389 00:41:50,643 --> 00:41:55,582 >> WHAT'S HIS NAME, COLIN? >> IT'S -- LET'S JUST FOCUS ON THE MEDITATION RIGHT NOW. 390 00:41:55,582 --> 00:42:03,156 >> YOU GET HOME AND YOU REWATCH TONIGHT'S UPDATE. 21 LAUGHS FOR MICHAEL, FOUR FOR 391 00:42:03,156 --> 00:42:07,894 YOU. YOU'RE IMPROVING, BUT IT'S SLOW. >> GENESIS, COME ON. 392 00:42:07,894 --> 00:42:12,465 >> SHH, COLIN, RELAX. RELAX. >> I'M RELAXED. 393 00:42:12,465 --> 00:42:16,903 >> RELAX. >> I'M RELAXED. >> REPEAT AFTER ME, I AM COLIN 394 00:42:16,903 --> 00:42:20,240 JOST. >> I AM COLIN JOST. >> I AM FULL OF LIGHT. 395 00:42:20,240 --> 00:42:26,880 >> I AM FULL OF LIGHT. >> EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE. >> EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE. 396 00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:33,186 >> WAS SIMPLY HANDED TO ME. >> I AM NOT SAYING THAT. >> IT'S OKAY, COLIN. 397 00:42:33,186 --> 00:42:37,924 IT'S NATURAL THE FIGHT AGAINST THE BREAKTHROUGH. GIVE ME YOUR HAND. 398 00:42:37,924 --> 00:42:40,960 >> YOU'RE ALREADY HOLDING MY HAND. >> I KNOW. 399 00:42:40,960 --> 00:42:45,532 WOW, IT'S SO SOFT. YOU'VE NEVER DONE AN HONEST DAY'S WORK IN YOUR LIFE. 400 00:42:45,532 --> 00:42:49,836 >> NO, NO. >> RELAX. PICTURE IT, COLIN. 401 00:42:49,836 --> 00:42:55,842 YOU'RE IN YOUR DRESSING ROOM AFTER THE SHOW TONIGHT STILL FUMING ABOUT THE BILINGUAL 402 00:42:55,842 --> 00:43:09,289 MONOLOGUE! >> THAT WOULD NOT UPSET ME! >> YOU'RE SO ALONE. 403 00:43:09,289 --> 00:43:15,695 THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO CARES ABOUT YOU IS ANTONIO. >> WHO IS ANTONIO? 404 00:43:15,695 --> 00:43:29,809 >> YOUR DRIVER, COLIN! SO SUNDAY MORNING, PICTURE IT, COLIN, YOU'RE STANDING IN THE 405 00:43:29,809 --> 00:43:35,448 NBC GIFT SHOP TO SEE IF ANYONE RECOGNIZES YOU. >> SUNDAY MORNING? 406 00:43:35,448 --> 00:43:42,856 >> NO ONE DOES. FINALLY, A MAN SEES YOU, HE RUNS UP TO YOU SO EXCITED. 407 00:43:42,856 --> 00:43:48,628 COLIN JOST, COLIN JOST, HE SAYS. AND HE SERVES YOU WITH COURT PAPERS. 408 00:43:48,628 --> 00:43:53,933 >> COURT PAPERS? >> TURNS OUT, SOMEONE DOES RECOGNIZE YOU, 32 WOMEN TO BE 409 00:43:53,933 --> 00:44:00,507 EXACT. >> YOU'RE MAKING THIS UP. >> REPEAT AFTER ME, COLIN. 410 00:44:00,507 --> 00:44:03,777 I AM COLIN JOST. >> I AM COLIN JOST. >> I AM A STAR. 411 00:44:03,777 --> 00:44:08,915 >> I AM A STAR. >> IF YOU WANT TO SHINE LIKE THE SUN, FIRST YOU HAVE TO BURN LIKE 412 00:44:08,915 --> 00:44:12,585 IT. >> IF YOU WANT TO SHINE LIKE THE SUN, FIRST YOU HAVE TO BURN LIKE 413 00:44:12,585 --> 00:44:15,488 IT. >> YOU DID IT, COLIN! YES! 414 00:44:15,488 --> 00:44:19,392 >> WOW. I ACTUALLY LOVE THAT LAST QUOTE. DID YOU JUST COME UP WITH THAT? 415 00:44:19,392 --> 00:44:23,163 >> NO. IT'S A FAMOUS HITLER QUOTE, COLIN. 416 00:44:23,163 --> 00:44:37,877 AND NOW IT'S A YOU QUOTE TOO. >> ALL RIGHT. GENESIS FRY, EVERYONE. 417 00:44:44,584 --> 00:44:52,158 >> A NEW REPORT FROM THE CDC SHOWS THAT IN 2021, CASES OF SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES 418 00:44:52,158 --> 00:44:59,666 JUMPED BY 7% TO WHAT EXPERTS DESCRIBE AS NURSING HOME LEVELS. IT'S HAPPENING, GUYS. 419 00:44:59,666 --> 00:45:10,143 >> A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS THE AVERAGE MAN EXAGGERATES THE LENGTH OF THEIR PENIS BY 20%, 420 00:45:10,143 --> 00:45:21,121 BUT AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO ADD 20% FOR TIP? >> TWO 81-YEAR-OLD WOMEN HAVE 421 00:45:21,121 --> 00:45:32,832 TRAVELED THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS AFTER THE POST OFFICE LOST THEIR ASHES. 422 00:45:32,832 --> 00:45:40,073 >> A GROUP OF HIKERS IN GREAT BRITAIN HAD TO BE RESCUED WHEN THEY GOT LOST AFTER TAKING 423 00:45:40,073 --> 00:45:44,244 PSYCHEDELIC MUSHROOMS. MORE EMBARRASSING, THEY NEVER ACTUALLY LEFT THE HOUSE. 424 00:45:44,244 --> 00:45:50,950 AND POLICE IN AUSTRALIA ARRESTED A MAN AFTER HE WAS CAUGHT AT A BUS STOP MASTURBATING FOR OVER 425 00:45:50,950 --> 00:45:55,121 AN HOUR. AUSTRALIA, WHERE THE POLICE LET YOU FINISH. 426 00:45:56,656 --> 00:46:05,498 >> SINCE THE START OF THIS YEAR, OVER 400 ANTI -- [ LAUGHTER ] 427 00:46:05,498 --> 00:46:14,607 SINCE THE START OF THIS YEAR, OVER 400 ANTI-LBGTQ BILLS HAVE BEEN INTRODUCED ACROSS THE 428 00:46:14,607 --> 00:46:20,547 COUNTRY, MANY OF WHICH TARGET TRANSYOUTH. HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS SOMEONE 429 00:46:20,547 --> 00:46:29,589 WITH THEIR OWN INTRODUCTION. >> INTRODUCING SNL'S FIRST NONBINARY CAST MEMBER. 430 00:46:29,589 --> 00:46:37,197 IT'S MOLLY KEARNEY! >> THANK YOU, MR. CHE. >> MOLLY, WHAT IS ALL THIS. 431 00:46:37,197 --> 00:46:42,769 >> WELL, AS YOU KNOW, I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO COME TO UPDATE AND TALK ABOUT TRANSPEOPLE, BUT 432 00:46:42,769 --> 00:46:48,375 I HAVE FOR A MUCH LONGER TIME THAN THAT WANTED TO FLY DOWN FROM THE CEILING. 433 00:46:48,375 --> 00:46:53,346 >> DID IT LIVE UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS? >> YEAH. 434 00:46:53,346 --> 00:46:59,419 BUT THIS HARNESS IS PRETTY TIGHT AND MY GROIN AREA IS BEEFED. I HAVE BEEN HUNG UP ON MY 435 00:46:59,419 --> 00:47:06,626 GENITALS FOR FAR TOO LONG, AND I'M STARTING TO FEEL LIKE A FREAKING REPUBLICAN LAWMAKER. 436 00:47:06,626 --> 00:47:09,863 HELLO. >> THAT'S AN AWESOME TRANSITION. AS OF THIS WEEK, THERE ARE NOW 437 00:47:09,863 --> 00:47:15,135 OVER 14 STATES THAT HAVE PASSED BILLS RESTRICTING HEALTH CARE FOR TRANSKIDS. 438 00:47:15,135 --> 00:47:19,172 >> LISTEN TO THAT, MICHAEL, RESTRICTING HEALTH CARE FOR KIDS. 439 00:47:19,172 --> 00:47:24,811 FOR SOME REASON, THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THE WORD TRANS THAT MAKES PEOPLE FORGET THE 440 00:47:24,811 --> 00:47:29,749 WORD KIDS. IF YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT TRANSKIDS LIVES, IT MEANS YOU 441 00:47:29,749 --> 00:47:34,621 DON'T CARE ABOUT FREAKING KIDS' LIVES. >> WOW. 442 00:47:34,621 --> 00:47:37,390 I CAN TELL YOU'RE REALLY UPSET ABOUT THAT. >> I AM! 443 00:47:37,390 --> 00:47:42,862 AND ALSO, MY LEGS ARE GOING NUMB, AND I MIGHT PASS OUT. >> HOW LONG WERE YOU HANGING UP 444 00:47:42,862 --> 00:47:44,964 THERE? >> LONGER THAN I WOULD HAVE LIKED. 445 00:47:44,964 --> 00:47:50,637 I TRIED TO CALL DOWN, BUT NO ONE COULD HEAR ME. AT ONE POINT, I HEARD A CREW GUY 446 00:47:50,637 --> 00:47:57,844 SAY, IS SHE GONNA DIE UP THERE. AND THEN ANOTHER GUY WAS LIKE, YOU MEAN, ARE THEY GONNA DIE UP 447 00:47:57,844 --> 00:48:03,450 THERE. AND THEN THEY BOTH WALKED AWAY AND DIDN'T HELP, WHICH FEELS A 448 00:48:03,450 --> 00:48:07,754 LOT LIKE HOW TRANSPEOPLE ARE BEING TREATED RIGHT NOW. BUT DON'T WORRY. 449 00:48:07,754 --> 00:48:13,226 WE HAVE A CODE WORD FOR EMERGENCIES, AND IT WAS TRANSRIGHTS. 450 00:48:13,226 --> 00:48:18,565 OH, MY GOSH. GOOD GOLLY! THAT WAS THE CODE FOR CONFETTI! 451 00:48:18,565 --> 00:48:21,768 MY BAD. >> THAT WAS SO LOUD. >> WELL, YEAH. 452 00:48:21,768 --> 00:48:28,641 PEOPLE NEED TO WAKE UP! WE ARE MAKING TRANS KIDS GROW UP TOO FAST. 453 00:48:28,641 --> 00:48:33,046 WE SHOULD BE KEEPING THEM SAFE, AND WE NEED TO LIFT THEM UP. NOT ME, THEM. 454 00:48:33,046 --> 00:48:43,390 I MEAN THE KIDS! THEY GOT MY PRONOUNS RIGHT, LET'S GO! 455 00:48:43,390 --> 00:48:46,259 WAIT A MINUTE. BEFORE I GO. I WANT TO TALK TO YOU. 456 00:48:46,259 --> 00:48:51,231 WHAT'S HAPPENING, KIDS, IS WRONG. AND YOU DON'T NEED TO BE SCARED. 457 00:48:51,231 --> 00:48:57,404 OUR JOB IS TO PROTECT YOU, AND YOUR JOB IS TO FOCUS ON BEING A KID. 458 00:48:57,404 --> 00:49:02,909 IT'S KIND OF LIKE ME FLYING IN THE SNL SKY. THERE'S A BUNCH OF DUDES ASKING 459 00:49:02,909 --> 00:49:09,749 YOU ABOUT YOUR CROTCH AND CONTROLLING WHEN AND WHERE YOU GET TO PEE. 460 00:49:09,749 --> 00:49:16,022 IF YOU JUST HANG ON, YOU'LL LOOK UP AND REALIZE, YOU'RE FLYING, KID. 461 00:49:16,022 --> 00:49:26,566 HEY, MR. CHE, AND I STILL IN THE FRAME? >> YOUR FEET 462 00:49:35,909 --> 00:49:41,081 >>> OH, MY GOSH. THIS WEDDING HAS BEEN UNREAL. NADINE IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL 463 00:49:41,081 --> 00:49:46,219 BRIDE. >> CHANDLER IS ONE LUCKY GUY. >> HE SURE IS. 464 00:49:46,219 --> 00:49:54,060 HEY, SHINA, BY THE WAY, I KNOW IT'S TOUGH COMING TO A WEDDING AFTER A BREAKUP, BUT I THINK 465 00:49:54,060 --> 00:49:58,398 IT'S SO SWEET YOUR BABY SISTER CAME ALL THE WAY HERE TO BE YOUR DATE. 466 00:49:58,398 --> 00:50:01,301 LISA, IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU. >> YEAH. THAT'S CUTE. 467 00:50:01,301 --> 00:50:04,637 BUT MY BOX IS CLOSED TONIGHT. >> I'M SORRY. WHAT? 468 00:50:04,637 --> 00:50:10,076 >> KELLY, GIRL. PAY NO MIND TO MY SISTER. SHE'S SUCH A JOKESTER. 469 00:50:10,076 --> 00:50:14,214 >> ALL RIGHT, MA'AM. THIS IS ALL THE DRESSING WE COULD FIND IN THE KITCHEN. 470 00:50:14,214 --> 00:50:19,853 >> WHY IS THIS RANCH BLACK? >> IT'S BALSAMIC. >> YOU REALLY LIKE YOUR 471 00:50:19,853 --> 00:50:25,191 DRESSING, HUH? >> YEAH, EVERYONE ELSE IS JUST EATING THE SALAD AS SERVED. 472 00:50:25,191 --> 00:50:28,294 >> AND EVERYONE ELSE IS ABOUT TO BE SICK. NOT ME. 473 00:50:28,294 --> 00:50:34,734 TOSS MY SALAD. THE MORE DRESSING YOU PUT ON IT, THE LESS LIKELY YOU ARE TO GET 474 00:50:34,734 --> 00:50:39,205 ECOLI. I NEED TO STAY HEALTHY. I GOT TO BE IN COURT IN THE 475 00:50:39,205 --> 00:50:45,779 MORNING. >> LISA IS THE LEAD LITIGATOR ON A CLASS ACTION SUIT AGAINST 476 00:50:45,779 --> 00:50:51,718 BUILD-A-BEAR. >> THEY GAVE A BUNCH OF BUILD-A-BEARS TO BALD KIDS, AND 477 00:50:51,718 --> 00:50:56,556 I AIN'T GOT TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED NEXT. >> THAT IS REALLY GREAT WORK. 478 00:50:56,556 --> 00:51:03,129 >> SIS, SWITCH ME SEATS, YOUR LESBIAN FRIEND IS TRYING TO GET THE BOX TONIGHT. 479 00:51:03,129 --> 00:51:07,701 IT AIN'T HAPPENING, BOO. >> DO I COME OFF FLIRTING? BECAUSE I'M NOT. 480 00:51:07,701 --> 00:51:11,571 >> KELLY, YOU'RE FINE. LISA, CAN YOU PLEASE CHILL? >> WHATEVER. 481 00:51:11,571 --> 00:51:15,742 I'M GOING TO SIT BACK, RELAX, AND FIX THIS SALAD. OKAY? 482 00:51:15,742 --> 00:51:21,781 HOLD ON. HUH-HUH. WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD 483 00:51:21,781 --> 00:51:24,351 IDEA? RAW SOLOMON. >> WELL, IT'S SMOKED. 484 00:51:24,351 --> 00:51:33,793 >> SMOKED. PINK AS IT IS, LOOK LIKE A FRUIT ROLLUP, HUH-HUH. 485 00:51:33,793 --> 00:51:38,898 COOK MY MEAT. I'M GOING TO MIX THIS ALL UP FOR ALL OF US. 486 00:51:38,898 --> 00:51:40,900 YEAH? OKAY. >> WELL, ANYWAYS, I HAVE TO TELL 487 00:51:40,900 --> 00:51:46,740 YOU GUYS ABOUT THIS EMBARRASSING DATE I WENT ON. >> THIS ABOUT TO BE A MEAN ASS 488 00:51:46,740 --> 00:51:49,843 SALAD. >> SO WE WENT TO A MOVIE AND ENDED UP BACK AT MY PLACE. 489 00:51:49,843 --> 00:51:55,315 AS SOON AS WE WALKED IN, A MOUSE RUNS ACROSS -- >> YOU GOT ANY RANCH ON YOU? 490 00:51:55,315 --> 00:52:00,687 >> CAN YOU PLEASE JUST EAT? >> BUT I NEED RANCH. EVERYBODY KNOWS LETTUCE IS NASTY 491 00:52:00,687 --> 00:52:06,593 WITHOUT RANCH. >> NOW I'M WORRIED THAT HE SAW THE MOUSE. 492 00:52:06,593 --> 00:52:10,697 BUT THEN HE'S LIKE, NO, NO, IT'S FINE. WE'LL JUST GO TO MY PLACE. 493 00:52:10,697 --> 00:52:15,368 >> WOW, WHAT A GENTLEMAN. >> SMART MAN. >> COME ON, SIS. 494 00:52:15,368 --> 00:52:20,140 WHAT HAPPENED TO US JUST CHILLING? >> I AM CHILLING. 495 00:52:20,140 --> 00:52:25,078 I'M CHILLIN. WHAT? I'M CHILLIN. 496 00:52:25,078 --> 00:52:33,086 I'M MINDING MY BUSINESS. THIS SALAD GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT, BUT I'M GOING TO NEED IT 497 00:52:33,086 --> 00:52:37,624 TO BE BUSSIN. I HEARD THE GIRL. SHE SAID HER HOUSE IS DIRTY. 498 00:52:37,624 --> 00:52:40,260 >> LISA. OKAY. ALL RIGHT. 499 00:52:40,260 --> 00:52:47,834 LISA, CAN YOU PLEASE JUST -- >> I NEED THE LERJ. I NEED THE LEVERAGE. 500 00:52:47,834 --> 00:52:53,239 WHAT? GIRL, I HEARD THE GIRL. CARMEN SAN DIEGO TRYING TO GET 501 00:52:53,239 --> 00:52:59,679 THE BOX WHILE SHE GOT RATATOUILLE AS HE ROOMMATE. >> WHAT HAPPENED? 502 00:52:59,679 --> 00:53:07,454 A PIECE OF SALMON HIT MY MOTHER. >> THIS WEDDING IS A MESS. PEOPLE GETTING HIT WITH SOLOMON 503 00:53:07,454 --> 00:53:12,592 AND THEY PUT RAW SOLOMON IN MY SALAD. >> IS SHE SAYING SALMON? 504 00:53:12,592 --> 00:53:18,098 >> THIS IS RUINING OUR SPECIAL DAY. >> OH, BECAUSE WE GAY? 505 00:53:18,098 --> 00:53:22,168 >> NO. WE'RE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR FIRST DANCE. 506 00:53:22,168 --> 00:53:27,574 >> WHY YOU OVER HERE TALKING TO ME? DANCE, BITCH. 507 00:53:27,574 --> 00:53:33,913 Y'ALL SEE THIS, RIGHT? THERE IS CHAMPAGNE ALL IN THE FOOD, VEGETABLES EVERYWHERE. 508 00:53:33,913 --> 00:53:38,218 THAT MARRIAGE IS DOOMED. >> I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GET SICK, BUT THIS IS 509 00:53:38,218 --> 00:53:41,221 ALL KIND OF YOUR FAULT. >> YEAH. YOU HAVE BEEN DRESSING THAT 510 00:53:41,221 --> 00:53:45,792 SALAD IN A REALLY INSANE WAY. >> HOLD ON. I'M NOT ABOUT TO LET Y'ALL 511 00:53:45,792 --> 00:53:51,631 ATTACK MY SISTER, LISA WHO CAME ALL THE WAY OUT HERE FROM TEMECULA TO BE MY DATE. 512 00:53:51,631 --> 00:53:55,802 MAYBE SHE'S THE TYPE OF SISTER THAT CAN'T TAKE NOWHERE. >> I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT. 513 00:53:55,802 --> 00:54:00,774 >> OH, MY GOD. MAYBE SHE'S SUCH A BAD LISTENER IT MAKES YOU WONDER IS THIS 514 00:54:00,774 --> 00:54:04,944 WOMAN HARD OF HEARING? >> I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT. >> BUT WHEN IT'S ALL SAID AND 515 00:54:04,944 --> 00:54:11,217 DONE, THIS MY BLOOD RIGHT HERE, AND SHE BETTER NOT HAVE ONE DRY LEAF IN THAT DAMN BOWL. 516 00:54:11,217 --> 00:54:19,259 >> TOSS MY SALAD. YOU KNOW WHAT? Y'ALL DONE PISSED ME OFF. 517 00:54:19,259 --> 00:54:24,397 I LOST MY APPETITE. I'M LEAVING. >> WHERE IS SHE FROM AGAIN? 518 00:54:24,397 --> 00:54:27,267 I'M LEAVING. >> WHERE IS SHE FROM AGAIN? >> TEMECULA! 519 00:54:37,444 --> 00:54:42,882 >> HAS IT CRUISED BY ON LOOKS ITS ENTIRE LIFE? >> DO YOU CATCH YOUR DOG LOOKING 520 00:54:42,882 --> 00:54:48,988 AT ITSELF IN THE MIRROR? >> BUT IT SUCKS IN ITS CHEEKS LIKE THIS? 521 00:54:48,988 --> 00:54:57,197 THEN YOUR DOG MIGHT BE THE PERFECT CANDIDATE FOR ENTER STAGE WOOF, ACTING SCHOOL FOR 522 00:54:57,197 --> 00:55:06,873 DOGS. >> I'M YOLANDA BATISTA, AND I'M DONNA COLONOSCOPINI. 523 00:55:06,873 --> 00:55:13,513 >> GET IN HERE, HENRY. NOW, SURE, SURE. OH, HENRY, OH, OH. 524 00:55:13,513 --> 00:55:20,286 HENRY'S DOING A LITTLE IMPROV. SURE, HENRY IS THE TOTAL PACKAGE. 525 00:55:20,286 --> 00:55:27,060 WINNING SMILES, GOLDEN LOCKS, AND THOSE BIG PHOTO GENERALIC NUTS. 526 00:55:27,060 --> 00:55:33,800 >> GOOD LOOKS AREN'T EVERYTHING. YOU KNOW, CASTING DIRECTORS WANT TO SEE EMOTIONAL RANGE. 527 00:55:33,800 --> 00:55:39,439 >> WATCH. HENRY, YOU JUST FOUND OUT YOU HAVE WORMS. 528 00:55:39,439 --> 00:55:45,345 SHOW ME SHOCK. ALL RIGHT. >> HENRY, YOU'RE GOING TO THE 529 00:55:45,345 --> 00:55:58,625 VET TO GET CLIPPED, AND THEY DON'T MEAN YOUR NAILS. SHOW ME FEAR. 530 00:55:58,625 --> 00:56:01,594 PERFECT. YOU BOOKED IT. >> YOU MAY HAVE SEEN THE TRAILER 531 00:56:01,594 --> 00:56:09,135 FOR THAT MOVIE, NONE OF OUR DOGS GOT THE JOB. >> BUT DAMN IT, THEY GOT IN THE 532 00:56:09,135 --> 00:56:14,374 ROOM. JUST LIKE COCO HERE. >> COCO MAY NOT BE CLASSICAL 533 00:56:14,374 --> 00:56:18,812 BEAUTIFUL, BUT SHE'S DRIPPING IN SEX APPEAL. >> IS SHE EVER, AND SHE'LL GO 534 00:56:18,812 --> 00:56:22,849 FULL NUDE IF THE PAY IS RIGHT. >> SHE'LL DO IT EVEN IF IT'S NOT. 535 00:56:22,849 --> 00:56:30,957 >> LOOK AT THOSE NIPS. LOOKING FOR A DOG THAT CAN PULL OFF ROMANTIC COMEDY? 536 00:56:30,957 --> 00:56:39,265 THEN LOOK NO FURTHER THAN ROMEO. >> AND ROMEO IS UNDER CONTRACT WITH DISNEY. 537 00:56:39,265 --> 00:56:42,068 >> HOW? BY LEARNING OUR PATENTED LADY AND THE TRAMP TECHNIQUE. 538 00:56:42,068 --> 00:56:57,884 WATCH. ROMEO. WOW. 539 00:56:57,884 --> 00:57:08,595 I THINK I'M IN LOVE. >> THAT'S ADORABLE. AND CASTABLE. 540 00:57:08,595 --> 00:57:18,471 >> HIGH FIVE, ROMEO. HE'S A REGULAR MARLAN BRAND DOG. OUR INSTRUCTORS ARE READY TO 541 00:57:18,471 --> 00:57:23,043 HANDLE EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR DOG'S CAREER FROM SOCIAL MEDIA TO HEAD SHOTS. 542 00:57:23,043 --> 00:57:27,914 >> AND WE CAN EVEN COVER UP EMBARRASSING SCANDALS. >> YEAH. 543 00:57:27,914 --> 00:57:32,652 LIKE IF YOUR DOG IS STINKY AND GETS CAUGHT HOOKING UP WITH A CAT. 544 00:57:32,652 --> 00:57:38,091 >> NOT CONVINCED. LISTEN TO THIS SATISFIED CUSTOMER. 545 00:57:38,091 --> 00:57:43,263 >> THIS IS MAITI. HE HAS BEEN TAKING CLASSES HERE FOR YEARS. 546 00:57:43,263 --> 00:57:49,302 YOU PROBABLY RECOGNIZE HIM FROM THE MOVIE MOONLIGHT WHERE HE WAS WALKING BY ON THE BEACH DURING 547 00:57:49,302 --> 00:57:53,239 THE HAND JOB SCENE. THAT WAS A FUN SET. THANK YOU DOG ACTING SCHOOL. 548 00:57:53,239 --> 00:58:00,547 >> DID SOMEONE SAY ACCENT? TAKE A LOOK AT THIS TALENTED POOCH. 549 00:58:00,547 --> 00:58:10,457 >> BISCUIT, DO FRENCH. >> LE WOOF! >> WOW, LE WOOF, I THINK THAT 550 00:58:10,457 --> 00:58:17,230 MEANS, THE BARK. >> WE EVEN TEACH PUPPIES. LIKE THIS LITTLE FELLA NAMED 551 00:58:17,230 --> 00:58:23,737 JELLY BEAN. >> NOW, JELLY BEAN JUST GOT CAST IN A MOVIE WHERE HE PLAYS AN 552 00:58:23,737 --> 00:58:29,709 ALIEN THAT DESTROYS SEATTLE. LET REHEARSE. GO. 553 00:58:29,709 --> 00:58:42,088 GO. >> GO, GO. >> DESTROY. 554 00:58:42,088 --> 00:58:45,592 GET IN THERE. OH, SEATTLE. OH, NO, SEATTLE. 555 00:58:45,592 --> 00:58:49,562 OH, NO. OH, NO. OKAY. 556 00:58:49,562 --> 00:58:57,137 WOW. GOOD JOB, JELLY BEAN. >> PEOPLE IN SEATTLE ARE DEAD. 557 00:58:57,137 --> 00:59:05,278 SO ENROLL TODAY, AND IN NO TIME, YOUR DOG WILL BE THE NEXT CLINT EASTWOOF. 558 00:59:05,278 --> 00:59:10,917 EASTWOOF. >> AT ENTER STAGE WOOF, ACTING SCHOOL FOR DOGS. 559 00:59:23,029 --> 00:59:42,415 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ** ** 560 00:59:42,415 --> 00:59:56,463 [ SINGING IN SPANISH ] ** ** 561 00:59:56,463 --> 01:00:12,312 [ SINGING IN SPANISH ] ** ** 562 01:00:12,312 --> 01:00:28,595 [ SINGING IN SPANISH ] ** ** 563 01:00:28,595 --> 01:00:44,377 [ SINGING IN SPANISH ] ** ** 564 01:00:44,377 --> 01:01:03,563 [ SINGING IN SPANISH ] ** ** 565 01:01:03,563 --> 01:01:20,313 [ SINGING IN SPANISH ] ** ** 566 01:01:20,313 --> 01:01:36,563 [ SINGING IN SPANISH ] ** ** 567 01:01:36,563 --> 01:01:54,414 [ SINGING IN SPANISH ] ** ** 568 01:01:54,414 --> 01:02:05,625 ** ** ** 569 01:02:05,625 --> 01:02:22,208 ** ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 570 01:02:28,982 --> 01:02:35,855 >>> I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TALKED ME INTO COMING INTO NAIL SALON. >> MEN GET THEIR NAILS DONE ALL 571 01:02:35,855 --> 01:02:40,293 THE TIME. >> I'M NOT LIKE OTHER MEN, NINA. >> WE'RE READY FOR YOU TWO. 572 01:02:40,293 --> 01:02:45,932 I LOVE WHEN WE GET COUPLES IN HERE. SCREW THOSE GENDER ROLES. 573 01:02:45,932 --> 01:02:51,104 WHAT COLOR ARE WE GOING TO PAINT YOU? >> SOMETHING NEUTRAL LIKE TAN OR 574 01:02:51,104 --> 01:02:55,842 NUDE OR SOMETHING. >> YOU PROMISED. >> THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW, 575 01:02:55,842 --> 01:03:06,219 NINA BECAUSE AS OF YESTERDAY, I'M THE GUINNESS WORLD RECORDER HOLDER FOR THE WORLD'S LONGER 576 01:03:06,219 --> 01:03:10,557 FINGERNAILS. >> YOU SAID YOU WOULD CUT THEM AFTER YOU WON. 577 01:03:10,557 --> 01:03:16,396 >> I CAN'T CUT THEM AFTER ONE DAY OF BEING FAMOUS! >> I'M TIRED OF LIVING LIKE 578 01:03:16,396 --> 01:03:20,066 THIS. IT'S EMBARRASSING! >> YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE 579 01:03:20,066 --> 01:03:27,607 EMBARRASSING IF I SHOWED UP TO THE GALA WITH SHORT NAILS. >> SO THE WATER IS GETTING 580 01:03:27,607 --> 01:03:31,945 COLD -- >> THAT WOULD BE LIKE IF THE WORLD'S TALLEST MAN SHOWED UP 581 01:03:31,945 --> 01:03:38,218 AND THEY CUT OFF HIS LEGS. >> HAVE WE LANDED ON A COLOR? >> I DON'T WANT COLOR. 582 01:03:38,218 --> 01:03:46,259 I WANT RIDGY, CRAFT, AND YELLOW. GOD, NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME. >> WHAT ABOUT ME, GREGG? 583 01:03:46,259 --> 01:03:52,565 WHERE IS MY CERTIFICATE? I DESERVE THE GUINNESS WORLD RECORD FOR WIPING YOUR BUTT FOR 584 01:03:52,565 --> 01:03:55,802 12 YEARS! >> YOU ACT LIKE I'VE NEVER TRIED TO WIPE MYSELF. 585 01:03:55,802 --> 01:04:00,507 I DID ONCE AND ALMOST DIED. >> YOU PROMISED ME! YOU PROMISED ME YOU WERE GOING 586 01:04:00,507 --> 01:04:06,179 TO CUT YOUR NAILS, LEARN WONDER WALL ON THE GUITAR, AND DO HAND STUFF TO ME FOR THE FIRST TIME. 587 01:04:06,179 --> 01:04:11,051 >> I NEVER SAID THAT. >> YES, YOU DID. I HAVE IT ON VOICE MAIL. 588 01:04:11,051 --> 01:04:16,890 >> AS SOON AS I GET THIS WORLD RECORD, I'M GONNA CUT THESE NAILS, LEARN WONDER WALL ON 589 01:04:16,890 --> 01:04:20,393 GUITAR, AND DO HAND STUFF TO YOU. NOW WHAT TIME ARE YOU GETTING 590 01:04:20,393 --> 01:04:25,699 HOME? I NEED YOU TO WIPE ME. >> WHO AM I WITHOUT MY NAILS, 591 01:04:25,699 --> 01:04:29,736 NINA? I SHOULD HAVE NEVER COMED TO THIS NAIL SALON. 592 01:04:29,736 --> 01:04:33,440 I SHOULD HAVE NEVER MOVED TO SEATTLE, AND I I SHOULD NEVER MARRIED YOU. 593 01:04:33,440 --> 01:04:41,214 >> WELL, IF THAT'S HOW YOU FEEL, I'M TAKING MY RING BACK. >> GO ON, TAKE IT! 594 01:04:41,214 --> 01:04:48,555 GO, TAKE IT THEN! GO! KEEP GOING, GO, GO ON NOW, TAKE 595 01:04:48,555 --> 01:04:53,460 IT. I'M OUT OF HERE, BOO. >> GREGG! 596 01:04:53,460 --> 01:05:06,039 GREGG! >> SO THERE IS A CANCELLATION FEE. 597 01:05:06,039 --> 01:05:10,210 >> I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE. >> SAY IT. OUT LOUD. 598 01:05:10,210 --> 01:05:15,048 SAY IT. >> THAT GUY FROM THE GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS WITH THE 599 01:05:15,048 --> 01:05:18,918 WORLD'S LONGEST FINGERNAILS. >> ARE YOU AFRAID, OR ARE YOU NOT? 600 01:05:18,918 --> 01:05:24,591 OH, NO, YOU CRACKED MY FINGERNAIL! NOW THESE LOOK GROSS! 601 01:05:24,591 --> 01:05:28,895 >> I CAN'T BELIEVE HE LEFT FOR REAL. >> OH, DON'T WORRY, MAMA. 602 01:05:28,895 --> 01:05:33,933 I SEE THIS ALL THE TIME. MEN JUST NEED AN IDENTITY. IF IT'S MEANT TO BE, HE'LL COME 603 01:05:33,933 --> 01:05:40,440 BACK. >> I'M BACK. AND I CUT MY NAILS. 604 01:05:40,440 --> 01:05:47,647 AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? HAND STUFF. >> YOU WIPE YOUR BUTT! 605 01:05:47,647 --> 01:05:50,517 HAND STUFF. >> YOU WIPE YOUR BUTT! >> SCREW THOSE GENDER ROLES! 606 01:06:11,738 --> 01:06:15,942 THAT WAS AN AMAZING SHOW. I WANT TO THANK THIS AMAZING CAST. 607 01:06:15,942 --> 01:06:21,915 THEY ARE THE BEST PEOPLE. THIS FOR SURE HAS BEEN THE BEST WEEK OF MY LIFE. 608 01:06:21,915 --> 01:06:26,286 THANK YOU, KAROL G! >> THANK YOU. >> LORNE, THANK YOU SO MUCH. 609 01:06:26,286 --> 01:06:31,124 PLEASE BRING ME BACK. I LOVE YOU TOO. THANK YOU FOR WATCHING TONIGHT! 610 01:06:31,124 --> 01:06:35,528 I LOVE YOU TOO. THANK YOU FOR WATCHING TONIGHT! >> THANK YOU! 61686

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