All language subtitles for Everybody.Loves.Raymond.S02E22 Six.Feet.Under.720p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BS

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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,369 --> 00:00:04,436 - Shoes off, 2 00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:06,205 Heels against the wall, 3 00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:08,007 Feet together, head level. 4 00:00:08,009 --> 00:00:09,174 Go ahead. 5 00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:13,245 - Okay, and 5'11 3/4". 6 00:00:13,247 --> 00:00:14,246 - No, no, no. 7 00:00:14,248 --> 00:00:15,247 I'm 6 feet tall. 8 00:00:17,484 --> 00:00:18,484 - Me next. 9 00:00:18,486 --> 00:00:19,718 - No, wait, wait, ally. 10 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,053 Let daddy do it. 11 00:00:21,055 --> 00:00:23,756 Go ahead, do it again. 12 00:00:23,758 --> 00:00:25,157 - Okay. 13 00:00:25,159 --> 00:00:26,658 5'11 3/4". 14 00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:28,694 - No! 15 00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:32,664 - It says 5'11 3/4". 16 00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:34,266 - You can't tell on a giraffe. 17 00:00:37,670 --> 00:00:42,441 I'm 6 feet tall, everybody. 18 00:00:42,443 --> 00:00:46,245 I'm 6 feet tall. 19 00:00:46,247 --> 00:00:47,312 Ray barone. 20 00:00:47,314 --> 00:00:48,414 Black hair, brown eyes, 21 00:00:48,416 --> 00:00:49,748 6 feet tall. 22 00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:50,816 People say, "who are you?" 23 00:00:50,818 --> 00:00:55,320 I'm 6 feet tall, that's who I am. 24 00:00:55,322 --> 00:00:56,388 - All right. And... 25 00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:59,758 It's 5'11 3/4". 26 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,560 - Come on! - That's what it says. 27 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:02,795 Look, 5'11 3/4". 28 00:01:02,797 --> 00:01:03,796 - All right, all right. 29 00:01:03,798 --> 00:01:06,832 What, you like saying it? 30 00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:08,801 - You don't have to get so upset about it. 31 00:01:08,803 --> 00:01:10,702 - Guys care about height, you know? 32 00:01:10,704 --> 00:01:12,604 Just like women care about weight. 33 00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:14,606 - I don't care about weight. 34 00:01:14,608 --> 00:01:15,808 - Yeah, you don't 35 00:01:15,810 --> 00:01:17,843 'cause you only weigh about, what, 140? 36 00:01:24,684 --> 00:01:25,784 See? 37 00:01:25,786 --> 00:01:27,086 Don't get on your high horse 38 00:01:27,088 --> 00:01:28,720 If you can't take the smell. 39 00:01:32,192 --> 00:01:33,859 - Ray, I'm sorry about your height. 40 00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:36,428 I still love you, okay? 41 00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:37,496 The kids love you. 42 00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:41,233 Don't you, kids? 43 00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:42,468 See? 44 00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:43,769 - I'm 6 feet tall. 45 00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:45,437 - Honey, maybe you were 6 feet tall, 46 00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:47,706 But you just shrunk a little bit. 47 00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:48,707 - What do you mean, shrunk? 48 00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:50,109 - Well, that happens, you know? 49 00:01:50,111 --> 00:01:52,244 As you get older, people tend to just-- 50 00:01:52,246 --> 00:01:54,246 - Shrink? 51 00:01:54,248 --> 00:01:55,848 - Look, it's not a big deal. It happens to everyone. 52 00:01:55,850 --> 00:01:57,416 - I'm shrinking now? 53 00:01:57,418 --> 00:01:58,717 - Ray, don't get all, you know-- 54 00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:00,252 - Oh, my god. I'm shrinking. 55 00:02:00,254 --> 00:02:01,253 - Ray. 56 00:02:01,255 --> 00:02:01,854 Ray! 57 00:02:05,558 --> 00:02:07,759 Mommy is not 140. 58 00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:18,804 - Raymond, raymond, raymond. 59 00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:21,173 Sounds like you're having a little midlife crisis. 60 00:02:21,175 --> 00:02:22,708 - What? 61 00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:24,476 No, no. 62 00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:26,211 God, midlife crisis. 63 00:02:26,213 --> 00:02:28,180 I don't want one of those. 64 00:02:28,182 --> 00:02:30,415 - Ah, that's not the problem. 65 00:02:30,417 --> 00:02:31,216 Come here, raygeleh. 66 00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:34,753 You're worried that you're not gonna accomplish 67 00:02:34,755 --> 00:02:37,156 Everything you set out to do in life. 68 00:02:37,158 --> 00:02:38,457 - I am? - Who knows? 69 00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:40,692 But I went to this self-improvement seminar 70 00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:42,161 To meet women, 71 00:02:42,163 --> 00:02:43,662 And I learned that people with goals 72 00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:46,165 Don't worry so much about getting old. 73 00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:46,932 - Did you meet anyone? 74 00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:49,434 - No one. 75 00:02:49,436 --> 00:02:52,571 Apparently, I don't appeal to women with goals. 76 00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:54,740 Why don't you go home, hug your fathers, 77 00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:56,808 And maybe we'll win a game. 78 00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:58,310 - You know what you got to do, ray? 79 00:02:58,312 --> 00:02:59,711 What they made us do at the seminar. 80 00:02:59,713 --> 00:03:01,246 You make a list of the 100 things 81 00:03:01,248 --> 00:03:02,714 You want to do before you die. 82 00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:03,715 - 100? 83 00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:04,716 [muttering] 84 00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:07,886 - Easy. 85 00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:09,588 Yeah, you just, you know, think of the stuff 86 00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:11,390 That you want in your life that you don't have. 87 00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:13,692 - Look, I don't need any of that, all right? 88 00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:16,461 All I need is another quarter inch. 89 00:03:16,463 --> 00:03:19,698 - Who doesn't? 90 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,733 - You are correct. 91 00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:22,734 Right on the money. 92 00:03:24,804 --> 00:03:28,707 - "things to do before I die"? 93 00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:30,776 - It's personal, okay? 94 00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:32,844 Like you have your feminine products. 95 00:03:37,450 --> 00:03:41,386 - Is this about you shrinking? 96 00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:43,855 - Maybe a little. 97 00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:46,692 Look, the guys thought 98 00:03:46,694 --> 00:03:48,727 That the reason the shrinking thing is bothering me 99 00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:51,797 Is 'cause I'm having a midlife crisis. 100 00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:54,399 Yeah, and I need some goals, you know? 101 00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:55,400 Something to shoot for. 102 00:04:00,406 --> 00:04:01,807 - You want to have an affair? 103 00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:05,310 - What? Where did that come from? 104 00:04:05,312 --> 00:04:07,846 - Well, how come you won't show me? 105 00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:09,615 - Yeah, I put "have an affair" on paper. 106 00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:18,690 That's one of my goals. 107 00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:19,925 "disappoint another woman." 108 00:04:24,897 --> 00:04:26,865 - Huh. 109 00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:30,669 Yeah, I get it. 110 00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:32,504 Okay, just give me the list, all right? 111 00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:34,306 I just want to see it. 112 00:04:34,308 --> 00:04:37,676 - Look, just keep in mind, it's not really done yet. 113 00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:39,444 - "peking duck." 114 00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:40,646 "goat cheese pizza"? 115 00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:42,447 What is this? 116 00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:43,448 - That's--I told you. 117 00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:45,417 It's goals and stuff. 118 00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:46,418 - These are your goals? 119 00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:49,588 These are restaurant specials. 120 00:04:49,590 --> 00:04:50,989 - I've never had the peking duck. 121 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,695 - So your goal is just to eat things 122 00:04:56,697 --> 00:05:00,432 You've never eaten before. 123 00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:04,336 - Not entirely. 124 00:05:04,338 --> 00:05:06,772 - "enlarged prostate." 125 00:05:09,342 --> 00:05:10,676 - See? 126 00:05:10,678 --> 00:05:14,046 That's something that I want to avoid, 127 00:05:14,048 --> 00:05:17,049 Not something I wish to eat. 128 00:05:24,524 --> 00:05:26,725 - I see. 129 00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:27,826 - What? What are you-- 130 00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:29,594 - Well, ray, come on, you're a writer. 131 00:05:29,596 --> 00:05:31,029 Don't you want to do something like, 132 00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:34,366 I don't know, write the great american novel or... 133 00:05:34,368 --> 00:05:35,534 - I thought about that, 134 00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:37,336 And then I thought, 135 00:05:37,338 --> 00:05:40,372 I don't even want to read the great american novel. 136 00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:41,973 - Well, I mean, there's got to be something else 137 00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:44,376 You want to do besides... 138 00:05:44,378 --> 00:05:46,745 "never throw up again." 139 00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:56,555 - No. 140 00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:57,556 That's it, see? 141 00:05:57,558 --> 00:05:58,557 That's it. 142 00:05:58,559 --> 00:05:59,558 I got nothing. 143 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:00,759 I got no dreams. 144 00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:02,761 - Oh, ray, everybody has dreams. 145 00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:03,762 - Yeah, what do you have? 146 00:06:03,764 --> 00:06:05,664 What's on your list? 147 00:06:05,666 --> 00:06:07,099 - Me? - Yeah. 148 00:06:07,101 --> 00:06:09,034 - [scoffs] 149 00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:10,669 Well, I just thought that, you know, 150 00:06:10,671 --> 00:06:11,770 After the kids grow up, 151 00:06:11,772 --> 00:06:13,839 It might be nice if, I don't know, 152 00:06:13,841 --> 00:06:15,507 We moved upstate 153 00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:18,143 And opened a little bed-and-breakfast somewhere. 154 00:06:18,145 --> 00:06:19,378 - Whoa, whoa, whoa. 155 00:06:19,380 --> 00:06:21,046 Bed-and-breakfast? 156 00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:24,750 Coming in and out of our house all the time? 157 00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:26,818 - Yes, ray, strangers. 158 00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:31,390 I'd like to try strangers for a change. 159 00:06:31,392 --> 00:06:32,858 - I don't know. 160 00:06:32,860 --> 00:06:34,726 This is all happening too fast. 161 00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:37,162 - We don't have to do it today, ray. 162 00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:39,030 I'm just trying to get you thinking. 163 00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:41,767 - Yeah, I'm thinking I'd better come up with something 164 00:06:41,769 --> 00:06:45,670 Before I end up with your bed-and-breakfast, 165 00:06:45,672 --> 00:06:47,506 Tucking in a gay couple from cleveland. 166 00:06:50,610 --> 00:06:52,043 - All right, all right. 167 00:06:55,748 --> 00:06:57,482 You know what? 168 00:06:57,484 --> 00:06:58,884 Maybe the reason that you can't 169 00:06:58,886 --> 00:07:01,453 Come up with any goals for yourself 170 00:07:01,455 --> 00:07:06,191 Is that, in your own ray way, 171 00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:08,026 You're actually content. 172 00:07:09,695 --> 00:07:12,431 - Where are you picking up that vibe? 173 00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:16,601 You have a great job, a wonderful family, 174 00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:20,071 A loving wife who weighs nowhere near 140-- 175 00:07:21,474 --> 00:07:22,974 - Yeah, so what are you saying? 176 00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:25,877 So, I think maybe you've already accomplished 177 00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:28,847 More than you've ever dreamed of. 178 00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:29,848 - You really think so? 179 00:07:29,850 --> 00:07:31,116 - I do. 180 00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:32,951 Maybe you're one of the lucky people 181 00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:34,719 Who's actually living his dream. 182 00:07:34,721 --> 00:07:36,054 - Hmm. - Hmm? 183 00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:37,055 - Wow. 184 00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:38,590 - Yeah, see? 185 00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:39,191 You feel better? 186 00:07:39,193 --> 00:07:42,627 - Yeah. 187 00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:43,662 - What? 188 00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:44,863 What, ray? 189 00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:46,465 - I'm just--I'm thinking. 190 00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:48,066 If what you said is true, 191 00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:50,202 And I've already done everything, 192 00:07:50,204 --> 00:07:54,473 Then I guess 193 00:07:54,475 --> 00:07:55,807 This is all there is. 194 00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:24,903 - Hey. 195 00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:25,937 Ah, good morning, raymond. 196 00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:26,972 Want some eggs? 197 00:08:26,974 --> 00:08:28,540 - No. No, thanks. 198 00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:29,941 Listen, I want to ask you guys something. 199 00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:32,577 Do you remember me having a dream? 200 00:08:32,579 --> 00:08:34,546 - I remember you wetting the bed. 201 00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:39,885 I mean, like, what did I want to be? 202 00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:40,552 - Dry. 203 00:08:44,624 --> 00:08:46,658 - Morning. 204 00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:47,859 - How many eggs, robbie? 205 00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,060 - Uh, three, 206 00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:50,929 And today I'd like them raw, in a glass. 207 00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:52,097 - What? 208 00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:53,632 - I'm in training. 209 00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,867 Gonna be running the new york marathon this year. 210 00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:57,202 - Come on, you really gonna do that? 211 00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:58,637 - That's right. 212 00:08:58,639 --> 00:09:00,605 - Marathon, huh? 213 00:09:00,607 --> 00:09:02,073 - Put me down for a buck a mile. 214 00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,212 - You don't pledge for this one, dad. 215 00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,013 - I'm not pledging. 216 00:09:08,015 --> 00:09:10,582 I'm betting. 217 00:09:10,584 --> 00:09:12,884 I say you're crying like a little girl by mile two. 218 00:09:15,788 --> 00:09:17,656 Hey, ray, you want some of this action? 219 00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:19,591 - Hey, look. At least he's got a dream, right? 220 00:09:19,593 --> 00:09:21,259 - Are you making fun, too? 221 00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:23,662 - No, I'm actually jealous. 222 00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:24,896 You have a dream. 223 00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:26,164 I got nothing. 224 00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:29,100 - Nothing. 225 00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:31,603 You got nothing. 226 00:09:31,605 --> 00:09:32,604 - What? 227 00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:34,339 - House. 228 00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:36,041 Wife. 229 00:09:36,043 --> 00:09:38,009 Little daughter. 230 00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:40,345 Twin boys. 231 00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:42,714 That's nothing to you? 232 00:09:42,716 --> 00:09:45,584 That was my dream! 233 00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:48,053 Hello! 234 00:09:48,055 --> 00:09:50,322 So why don't you just go take your little midlife 235 00:09:50,324 --> 00:09:52,190 "I'm shrinking, I'm dying, 236 00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:53,992 I don't have any dreams," 237 00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:56,227 And go right back across the street to paradise. 238 00:09:58,197 --> 00:10:00,131 - Look, 239 00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:01,299 You don't understand. 240 00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:03,101 - Oh, yeah, yeah, I don't understand. 241 00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:05,303 Just go, okay, because I'm gonna tell you something. 242 00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:06,304 I have-- 243 00:10:17,850 --> 00:10:18,850 Ow. 244 00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:22,687 - Are you all right, robbie? 245 00:10:22,689 --> 00:10:23,722 - Yeah, fine, ma. 246 00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:25,090 I'm fine. 247 00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:26,725 Raymond. 248 00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:27,726 - What? What do you-- 249 00:10:29,195 --> 00:10:30,829 - Okay, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, 250 00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:32,163 Ow, ow, ow. 251 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,034 Guess I'm just gonna have to 252 00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:38,670 Scratch dream number two off my list. 253 00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:48,847 Go ahead and cook those eggs, ma. 254 00:10:52,251 --> 00:10:55,754 - I should've put my money on warm-up. 255 00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:57,088 - Raymond, why didn't you tell us 256 00:10:57,090 --> 00:10:59,157 You were having a midlife crisis? 257 00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:02,293 - The announcements are still being printed, ma. 258 00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:03,762 - Here, sit down. 259 00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:06,931 Have some eggs. 260 00:11:06,933 --> 00:11:09,434 - You know what I always wanted to do, ray? 261 00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:12,203 Sing like tony bennett. 262 00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:13,304 - Tony bennett? 263 00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:15,874 - That's right. 264 00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:17,409 But look at me. 265 00:11:17,411 --> 00:11:22,013 Am I tony bennett? 266 00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:24,315 - No. 267 00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:27,819 - You see, you do a thing, and that's what you are. 268 00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:29,754 One guy lives in brooklyn. 269 00:11:29,756 --> 00:11:33,224 One guy lives in sutton place. 270 00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:34,359 Another guy's a lawyer. 271 00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:36,227 One guy's a doctor. 272 00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:37,262 Another guy dies. 273 00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:38,396 Another guy gets well. 274 00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:39,931 People are born-- 275 00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:43,301 - What the hell are you talking about? 276 00:11:43,303 --> 00:11:45,904 - Don't worry so much. 277 00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:48,473 You die, you did what you did. 278 00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:50,442 - Frank, stop saying "die." 279 00:11:50,444 --> 00:11:53,244 It's obvious raymond's afraid of dying. 280 00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:54,746 - Well, what am I supposed to tell him, 281 00:11:54,748 --> 00:11:56,114 That it's not gonna happen? 282 00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:57,348 It's gonna happen. 283 00:11:57,350 --> 00:11:59,350 You're gonna die. 284 00:12:12,264 --> 00:12:13,064 - Thank you, dad. 285 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,134 - There you go. 286 00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:18,970 - Raymond, you know we're all afraid of death, 287 00:12:18,972 --> 00:12:22,107 But the important thing is to be ready, see? 288 00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:25,376 Your father and I have all we need right in here. 289 00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:27,912 We have our will 290 00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:29,814 And our insurance 291 00:12:29,816 --> 00:12:34,419 And a deed to our burial plot. 292 00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:36,454 - Where's the permit to the neighbors' parade? 293 00:12:43,262 --> 00:12:44,763 - Frank. 294 00:12:44,765 --> 00:12:45,997 Frank, what is this? 295 00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:46,998 - What? 296 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,933 - Our joint burial plot-- 297 00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:50,068 It only mentions one. 298 00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:51,436 Where's the other plot? 299 00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:52,504 - What? Who cares? 300 00:12:52,506 --> 00:12:54,939 I sold it. 301 00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:58,376 - You sold half of our joint burial plot? 302 00:12:58,378 --> 00:13:01,045 - The people next to us had an unexpected death. 303 00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:02,814 They were very upset. 304 00:13:02,816 --> 00:13:05,517 I got twice what I paid for it. 305 00:13:05,519 --> 00:13:07,485 - It wasn't yours to sell! 306 00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:09,521 - I sold my half of the plot. 307 00:13:09,523 --> 00:13:11,256 - How do you know it wasn't my half, frank? 308 00:13:11,258 --> 00:13:12,791 I always sleep on the left. 309 00:13:18,197 --> 00:13:20,131 - And when were you going to tell me about this? 310 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,033 - I wasn't. 311 00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:24,936 I figured if you went first, you couldn't yell at me, 312 00:13:24,938 --> 00:13:26,805 And if I went first, yell all you want. 313 00:13:33,946 --> 00:13:36,548 - You have always wanted to leave me, haven't you? 314 00:13:36,550 --> 00:13:38,883 - Till death do us part, marie. 315 00:13:38,885 --> 00:13:39,884 After that, you're on your own. 316 00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:47,258 - Why don't you fulfill one of my dreams 317 00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:49,127 And leave me alone now? 318 00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:52,297 - Holy crap, we found something we have in common! 319 00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:55,166 - How bad can death be? 320 00:14:06,145 --> 00:14:07,178 Hey, corn flake. 321 00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,413 - Hi. 322 00:14:08,415 --> 00:14:09,848 - Hey, guys. 323 00:14:09,850 --> 00:14:11,149 - You're in a good mood, huh? 324 00:14:11,151 --> 00:14:13,451 - Yeah, I did a lot of productive thinking today. 325 00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:14,452 - Yeah? 326 00:14:14,454 --> 00:14:15,887 - Gonna get cremated. 327 00:14:20,125 --> 00:14:21,526 - What? 328 00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,127 - Yeah. 329 00:14:23,129 --> 00:14:24,863 Yeah, I think it just makes sense, you know? 330 00:14:24,865 --> 00:14:26,231 More sense than burial. 331 00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:30,268 I'm not all that gung ho about decomposing. 332 00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:32,203 - How did you get onto this? 333 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,405 - Look, it pays to think about these things. 334 00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:36,107 Oh, hey, don't be like that, either. 335 00:14:36,109 --> 00:14:38,977 I don't want a big, sad funeral, you know? 336 00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:41,379 Make it like a celebration, you know? 337 00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:43,114 People telling stories, 338 00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:44,482 Funny anecdotes about me, you know? 339 00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:45,483 Like a roast. 340 00:14:48,954 --> 00:14:51,522 - What is wrong with you? 341 00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:53,091 - Good news. 342 00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:54,926 [laughs] 343 00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:57,262 I found a cemetery that can fit us all in. 344 00:15:02,134 --> 00:15:04,068 - Uh, misery, your company's here. 345 00:15:06,272 --> 00:15:07,906 - Look. 346 00:15:07,908 --> 00:15:10,241 It's beautiful. 347 00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:12,610 But it may be a little tight. 348 00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:14,646 See, one of us has to be vertical. 349 00:15:18,384 --> 00:15:19,450 - I don't know, ma. 350 00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:20,585 I'm thinking of going cremation. 351 00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:21,986 - Ohh! 352 00:15:21,988 --> 00:15:24,322 You want to go off on your own too? 353 00:15:24,324 --> 00:15:27,625 This family is falling apart. 354 00:15:27,627 --> 00:15:28,960 - This does look nice, though. 355 00:15:28,962 --> 00:15:30,261 - See? 356 00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:32,397 Debra, would you mind being the vertical one? 357 00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:35,466 - Why debra, ma? 358 00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:36,968 - Well, it can't be your brother. 359 00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:38,102 His head would stick out of the ground. 360 00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:41,639 - Hey. 361 00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:43,207 How about a wood chipper? 362 00:15:43,209 --> 00:15:46,444 Then we can all fit into one big trash bag. 363 00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:49,280 - That's morbid, dear. 364 00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:52,083 - Yes. 365 00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:53,618 - Deb, you should look at this. 366 00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:55,353 This is pretty good. 367 00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:57,188 Deb. 368 00:15:57,190 --> 00:15:58,990 Deb! 369 00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:00,224 You're gonna die, you know! 370 00:16:05,397 --> 00:16:08,166 - Deb, look, I know you're not excited 371 00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:11,235 About spending eternity with my parents, 372 00:16:11,237 --> 00:16:13,271 But, you know, it's not going to be like now 373 00:16:13,273 --> 00:16:16,107 When all they have to do is cross the street. 374 00:16:16,109 --> 00:16:19,110 I mean, they're gonna have to bust out of their coffins, 375 00:16:19,112 --> 00:16:24,649 And you know, they tunnel through the dirt 376 00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:25,717 With, you know-- 377 00:16:25,719 --> 00:16:28,486 [growls] 378 00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:31,522 Just to get to our coffin, 379 00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:34,025 And then the, you know, banging, 380 00:16:34,027 --> 00:16:36,361 And we could pretend we're not even there. 381 00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:37,395 - Shut up, shut up! 382 00:16:37,397 --> 00:16:39,297 Would you stop it? 383 00:16:39,299 --> 00:16:42,633 Stop talking about coffins. 384 00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:46,104 - So you want to do cremation with me? 385 00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:49,340 - Ray, you're supposed to be having a midlife crisis, 386 00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:52,610 Not an end-of-life crisis. 387 00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,212 - Hey, look, don't tell me 388 00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:56,147 How to have a midlife crisis, okay? 389 00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:57,582 What would you know about it? 390 00:16:57,584 --> 00:17:01,352 - Because I've already had mine! 391 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:03,521 - Really? 392 00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:06,691 - Yes, a while ago. 393 00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:07,792 - Oh, was that the perm? 394 00:17:14,266 --> 00:17:15,566 - No. 395 00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:16,567 - 'cause that didn't look good. 396 00:17:16,569 --> 00:17:19,670 - It was two years ago. 397 00:17:19,672 --> 00:17:23,374 - Well, you never acted like you were having a midlife crisis. 398 00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:25,810 - Ray, look at me. 399 00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:28,446 I am rubbing cream on my hands. 400 00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:31,115 Do you know why I'm rubbing cream on my hands? 401 00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:35,153 - Because it's hand cream? 402 00:17:39,158 --> 00:17:40,625 - No, because my skin 403 00:17:40,627 --> 00:17:42,193 Isn't as soft and smooth as it used to be. 404 00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:43,394 Have you noticed? 405 00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:44,729 - Well, I didn't want to say anything-- 406 00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:45,763 - Shut up, ray. 407 00:17:50,135 --> 00:17:53,237 That is why every night, I take this cream 408 00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:55,706 And desperately try to turn back the clock, 409 00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:57,775 And even though I know this is a losing battle, 410 00:17:57,777 --> 00:18:00,078 I still do it anyway. 411 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:03,748 That is how you have a proper midlife crisis. 412 00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:06,084 You do not start planning your death. 413 00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:07,518 You go into denial 414 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,320 Like a normal person! 415 00:18:11,423 --> 00:18:12,523 Give me your shoes. 416 00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:13,691 - What? 417 00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:17,361 - Give me your shoes. 418 00:18:17,363 --> 00:18:20,698 - All right, but I think my shoes are soft enough. 419 00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:23,134 - Give them to me. 420 00:18:23,136 --> 00:18:24,669 When you started going all nuts 421 00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:26,704 About the height thing, 422 00:18:26,706 --> 00:18:28,673 I bought these as a joke, 423 00:18:28,675 --> 00:18:31,809 But now I think they're actually gonna help. 424 00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:33,678 So stick these on. 425 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:34,779 - Oh, come on. 426 00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:36,214 These aren't going to do anything. 427 00:18:36,216 --> 00:18:37,782 - You want to be 6 feet tall? 428 00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,283 Put them on. 429 00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:41,385 - I'm not wearing lifts. 430 00:18:41,387 --> 00:18:42,453 - They're not lifts. 431 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:43,888 They're extra-thick odor eaters. 432 00:18:46,825 --> 00:18:48,192 Two birds with one stone. 433 00:18:52,197 --> 00:18:54,632 - Look, this doesn't really mean I'm 6 feet tall. 434 00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,701 - Hey, this cream doesn't mean my hands are any softer 435 00:18:56,703 --> 00:18:58,369 Than they used to be. 436 00:18:58,371 --> 00:18:59,437 - I don't know. 437 00:18:59,439 --> 00:19:01,439 I'm talking about death here, okay? 438 00:19:01,441 --> 00:19:02,874 You really think some cheap insoles 439 00:19:02,876 --> 00:19:04,909 Are gonna change my whole outlook on-- 440 00:19:04,911 --> 00:19:06,744 Hey, these are kind of bouncy. 441 00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:08,312 - Oh, yeah? 442 00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:10,681 A little spring in your step there, young man? 443 00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:14,652 - Mm, yeah, but who am I really fooling here? 444 00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:18,856 - Hey, you only got to fool one person, 445 00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:20,858 And if I recall, that person once asked me 446 00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:22,226 If jell-o was a fruit. 447 00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:32,703 - Yeah, yeah. 448 00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:33,905 - Listen, 449 00:19:33,907 --> 00:19:36,474 You do whatever you need to do. 450 00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:38,576 As for me, I am going to put these tea bags 451 00:19:38,578 --> 00:19:39,911 On my puffy eyes 452 00:19:39,913 --> 00:19:41,612 And dream about my bed-and-breakfast 453 00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:44,315 By the lake. 454 00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:45,583 Ah, good night. 455 00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:47,718 - Hey, can you put these in sneakers? 456 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,187 - [sighs] 457 00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:51,222 Put them anywhere you want. 458 00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:56,894 - [humming] 459 00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:57,895 Ha-hah! 460 00:20:00,732 --> 00:20:03,201 Feeling tall and smelling good. 461 00:20:06,738 --> 00:20:07,738 - Idiot. 462 00:20:14,346 --> 00:20:16,380 - Frank, you want your ice cream or not? 463 00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:18,482 - He's not here, ma. 464 00:20:18,484 --> 00:20:19,684 - Where'd he go? 465 00:20:19,686 --> 00:20:20,751 - I don't know. 466 00:20:20,753 --> 00:20:22,787 He said ray got him thinking. 467 00:20:22,789 --> 00:20:24,222 - Ray got him thinking? 468 00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:26,691 - Yeah, you believe that? 469 00:20:26,693 --> 00:20:27,692 - About what? 470 00:20:27,694 --> 00:20:29,694 [piano lounge music] 471 00:20:29,696 --> 00:20:35,666 - [singing] I left my heart 472 00:20:35,668 --> 00:20:42,440 In san francisco 473 00:20:42,442 --> 00:20:43,608 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. 474 00:20:43,610 --> 00:20:46,911 My wife thinks I'm in the bathroom. 475 00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:51,916 [singing] high on a hill 476 00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:55,019 It calls to me 31443

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