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1
00:00:02,369 --> 00:00:04,436
- Shoes off,
2
00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:06,205
Heels against
the wall,
3
00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:08,007
Feet together,
head level.
4
00:00:08,009 --> 00:00:09,174
Go ahead.
5
00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:13,245
- Okay, and 5'11 3/4".
6
00:00:13,247 --> 00:00:14,246
- No, no, no.
7
00:00:14,248 --> 00:00:15,247
I'm 6 feet tall.
8
00:00:17,484 --> 00:00:18,484
- Me next.
9
00:00:18,486 --> 00:00:19,718
- No, wait, wait, ally.
10
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,053
Let daddy do it.
11
00:00:21,055 --> 00:00:23,756
Go ahead, do it again.
12
00:00:23,758 --> 00:00:25,157
- Okay.
13
00:00:25,159 --> 00:00:26,658
5'11 3/4".
14
00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:28,694
- No!
15
00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:32,664
- It says 5'11 3/4".
16
00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:34,266
- You can't tell
on a giraffe.
17
00:00:37,670 --> 00:00:42,441
I'm 6 feet tall,
everybody.
18
00:00:42,443 --> 00:00:46,245
I'm 6 feet tall.
19
00:00:46,247 --> 00:00:47,312
Ray barone.
20
00:00:47,314 --> 00:00:48,414
Black hair, brown eyes,
21
00:00:48,416 --> 00:00:49,748
6 feet tall.
22
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:50,816
People say,
"who are you?"
23
00:00:50,818 --> 00:00:55,320
I'm 6 feet tall,
that's who I am.
24
00:00:55,322 --> 00:00:56,388
- All right.
And...
25
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:59,758
It's 5'11 3/4".
26
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,560
- Come on!
- That's what it says.
27
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:02,795
Look, 5'11 3/4".
28
00:01:02,797 --> 00:01:03,796
- All right,
all right.
29
00:01:03,798 --> 00:01:06,832
What, you like
saying it?
30
00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:08,801
- You don't have to get
so upset about it.
31
00:01:08,803 --> 00:01:10,702
- Guys care about height,
you know?
32
00:01:10,704 --> 00:01:12,604
Just like women
care about weight.
33
00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:14,606
- I don't care about weight.
34
00:01:14,608 --> 00:01:15,808
- Yeah, you don't
35
00:01:15,810 --> 00:01:17,843
'cause you only weigh
about, what, 140?
36
00:01:24,684 --> 00:01:25,784
See?
37
00:01:25,786 --> 00:01:27,086
Don't get on your high horse
38
00:01:27,088 --> 00:01:28,720
If you can't take the smell.
39
00:01:32,192 --> 00:01:33,859
- Ray, I'm sorry
about your height.
40
00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:36,428
I still love you, okay?
41
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:37,496
The kids love you.
42
00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:41,233
Don't you, kids?
43
00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:42,468
See?
44
00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:43,769
- I'm 6 feet tall.
45
00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:45,437
- Honey, maybe you
were 6 feet tall,
46
00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:47,706
But you just shrunk
a little bit.
47
00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:48,707
- What do you mean, shrunk?
48
00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:50,109
- Well, that happens, you know?
49
00:01:50,111 --> 00:01:52,244
As you get older,
people tend to just--
50
00:01:52,246 --> 00:01:54,246
- Shrink?
51
00:01:54,248 --> 00:01:55,848
- Look, it's not a big deal.
It happens to everyone.
52
00:01:55,850 --> 00:01:57,416
- I'm shrinking now?
53
00:01:57,418 --> 00:01:58,717
- Ray, don't get all, you know--
54
00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:00,252
- Oh, my god. I'm shrinking.
55
00:02:00,254 --> 00:02:01,253
- Ray.
56
00:02:01,255 --> 00:02:01,854
Ray!
57
00:02:05,558 --> 00:02:07,759
Mommy is not 140.
58
00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:18,804
- Raymond, raymond, raymond.
59
00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:21,173
Sounds like you're having
a little midlife crisis.
60
00:02:21,175 --> 00:02:22,708
- What?
61
00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:24,476
No, no.
62
00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:26,211
God, midlife crisis.
63
00:02:26,213 --> 00:02:28,180
I don't want one of those.
64
00:02:28,182 --> 00:02:30,415
- Ah, that's not the problem.
65
00:02:30,417 --> 00:02:31,216
Come here, raygeleh.
66
00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:34,753
You're worried
that you're not gonna accomplish
67
00:02:34,755 --> 00:02:37,156
Everything
you set out to do in life.
68
00:02:37,158 --> 00:02:38,457
- I am?
- Who knows?
69
00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:40,692
But I went to this
self-improvement seminar
70
00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:42,161
To meet women,
71
00:02:42,163 --> 00:02:43,662
And I learned that
people with goals
72
00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:46,165
Don't worry so much
about getting old.
73
00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:46,932
- Did you meet anyone?
74
00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:49,434
- No one.
75
00:02:49,436 --> 00:02:52,571
Apparently, I don't
appeal to women with goals.
76
00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:54,740
Why don't you go home,
hug your fathers,
77
00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:56,808
And maybe
we'll win a game.
78
00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:58,310
- You know what you
got to do, ray?
79
00:02:58,312 --> 00:02:59,711
What they made us do
at the seminar.
80
00:02:59,713 --> 00:03:01,246
You make a list
of the 100 things
81
00:03:01,248 --> 00:03:02,714
You want to do before you die.
82
00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:03,715
- 100?
83
00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:04,716
[muttering]
84
00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:07,886
- Easy.
85
00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:09,588
Yeah, you just, you know,
think of the stuff
86
00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:11,390
That you want in your life
that you don't have.
87
00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:13,692
- Look, I don't need
any of that, all right?
88
00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:16,461
All I need is
another quarter inch.
89
00:03:16,463 --> 00:03:19,698
- Who doesn't?
90
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,733
- You are correct.
91
00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:22,734
Right on the money.
92
00:03:24,804 --> 00:03:28,707
- "things to do
before I die"?
93
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:30,776
- It's personal, okay?
94
00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:32,844
Like you have your
feminine products.
95
00:03:37,450 --> 00:03:41,386
- Is this about you shrinking?
96
00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:43,855
- Maybe a little.
97
00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:46,692
Look, the guys thought
98
00:03:46,694 --> 00:03:48,727
That the reason the shrinking
thing is bothering me
99
00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:51,797
Is 'cause I'm having
a midlife crisis.
100
00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:54,399
Yeah, and I need
some goals, you know?
101
00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:55,400
Something to shoot for.
102
00:04:00,406 --> 00:04:01,807
- You want to have
an affair?
103
00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:05,310
- What?
Where did that come from?
104
00:04:05,312 --> 00:04:07,846
- Well, how come
you won't show me?
105
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:09,615
- Yeah, I put "have an affair"
on paper.
106
00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:18,690
That's one of my goals.
107
00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:19,925
"disappoint another woman."
108
00:04:24,897 --> 00:04:26,865
- Huh.
109
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:30,669
Yeah, I get it.
110
00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:32,504
Okay, just give me
the list, all right?
111
00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:34,306
I just want to see it.
112
00:04:34,308 --> 00:04:37,676
- Look, just keep in mind,
it's not really done yet.
113
00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:39,444
- "peking duck."
114
00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:40,646
"goat cheese pizza"?
115
00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:42,447
What is this?
116
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:43,448
- That's--I told you.
117
00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:45,417
It's goals and stuff.
118
00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:46,418
- These are your goals?
119
00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:49,588
These are restaurant specials.
120
00:04:49,590 --> 00:04:50,989
- I've never had
the peking duck.
121
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,695
- So your goal
is just to eat things
122
00:04:56,697 --> 00:05:00,432
You've never eaten before.
123
00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:04,336
- Not entirely.
124
00:05:04,338 --> 00:05:06,772
- "enlarged prostate."
125
00:05:09,342 --> 00:05:10,676
- See?
126
00:05:10,678 --> 00:05:14,046
That's something
that I want to avoid,
127
00:05:14,048 --> 00:05:17,049
Not something I wish to eat.
128
00:05:24,524 --> 00:05:26,725
- I see.
129
00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:27,826
- What?
What are you--
130
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:29,594
- Well, ray, come on,
you're a writer.
131
00:05:29,596 --> 00:05:31,029
Don't you want to
do something like,
132
00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:34,366
I don't know, write
the great american novel or...
133
00:05:34,368 --> 00:05:35,534
- I thought about that,
134
00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:37,336
And then I thought,
135
00:05:37,338 --> 00:05:40,372
I don't even want to read
the great american novel.
136
00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:41,973
- Well, I mean, there's got to
be something else
137
00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:44,376
You want to do besides...
138
00:05:44,378 --> 00:05:46,745
"never throw up again."
139
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:56,555
- No.
140
00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:57,556
That's it, see?
141
00:05:57,558 --> 00:05:58,557
That's it.
142
00:05:58,559 --> 00:05:59,558
I got nothing.
143
00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:00,759
I got no dreams.
144
00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:02,761
- Oh, ray, everybody
has dreams.
145
00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:03,762
- Yeah, what do you have?
146
00:06:03,764 --> 00:06:05,664
What's on your list?
147
00:06:05,666 --> 00:06:07,099
- Me?
- Yeah.
148
00:06:07,101 --> 00:06:09,034
- [scoffs]
149
00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:10,669
Well, I just thought
that, you know,
150
00:06:10,671 --> 00:06:11,770
After the kids grow up,
151
00:06:11,772 --> 00:06:13,839
It might be nice if,
I don't know,
152
00:06:13,841 --> 00:06:15,507
We moved upstate
153
00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:18,143
And opened a little
bed-and-breakfast somewhere.
154
00:06:18,145 --> 00:06:19,378
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
155
00:06:19,380 --> 00:06:21,046
Bed-and-breakfast?
156
00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:24,750
Coming in and out
of our house all the time?
157
00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:26,818
- Yes, ray, strangers.
158
00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:31,390
I'd like to try
strangers for a change.
159
00:06:31,392 --> 00:06:32,858
- I don't know.
160
00:06:32,860 --> 00:06:34,726
This is all
happening too fast.
161
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:37,162
- We don't have
to do it today, ray.
162
00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:39,030
I'm just trying
to get you thinking.
163
00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:41,767
- Yeah, I'm thinking I'd better
come up with something
164
00:06:41,769 --> 00:06:45,670
Before I end up with
your bed-and-breakfast,
165
00:06:45,672 --> 00:06:47,506
Tucking in a gay couple
from cleveland.
166
00:06:50,610 --> 00:06:52,043
- All right, all right.
167
00:06:55,748 --> 00:06:57,482
You know what?
168
00:06:57,484 --> 00:06:58,884
Maybe the reason that you can't
169
00:06:58,886 --> 00:07:01,453
Come up with any goals
for yourself
170
00:07:01,455 --> 00:07:06,191
Is that, in your own ray way,
171
00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:08,026
You're actually content.
172
00:07:09,695 --> 00:07:12,431
- Where are you
picking up that vibe?
173
00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:16,601
You have a great job,
a wonderful family,
174
00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:20,071
A loving wife
who weighs nowhere near 140--
175
00:07:21,474 --> 00:07:22,974
- Yeah, so what
are you saying?
176
00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:25,877
So, I think maybe
you've already accomplished
177
00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:28,847
More than you've
ever dreamed of.
178
00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:29,848
- You really think so?
179
00:07:29,850 --> 00:07:31,116
- I do.
180
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:32,951
Maybe you're
one of the lucky people
181
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:34,719
Who's actually
living his dream.
182
00:07:34,721 --> 00:07:36,054
- Hmm.
- Hmm?
183
00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:37,055
- Wow.
184
00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:38,590
- Yeah, see?
185
00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:39,191
You feel better?
186
00:07:39,193 --> 00:07:42,627
- Yeah.
187
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:43,662
- What?
188
00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:44,863
What, ray?
189
00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:46,465
- I'm just--I'm thinking.
190
00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:48,066
If what you said is true,
191
00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:50,202
And I've already
done everything,
192
00:07:50,204 --> 00:07:54,473
Then I guess
193
00:07:54,475 --> 00:07:55,807
This is all there is.
194
00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:24,903
- Hey.
195
00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:25,937
Ah, good morning,
raymond.
196
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:26,972
Want some eggs?
197
00:08:26,974 --> 00:08:28,540
- No. No, thanks.
198
00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:29,941
Listen, I want to ask
you guys something.
199
00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:32,577
Do you remember me
having a dream?
200
00:08:32,579 --> 00:08:34,546
- I remember you
wetting the bed.
201
00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:39,885
I mean, like,
what did I want to be?
202
00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:40,552
- Dry.
203
00:08:44,624 --> 00:08:46,658
- Morning.
204
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:47,859
- How many eggs, robbie?
205
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,060
- Uh, three,
206
00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:50,929
And today I'd like them raw,
in a glass.
207
00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:52,097
- What?
208
00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:53,632
- I'm in training.
209
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,867
Gonna be running
the new york marathon this year.
210
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:57,202
- Come on, you really
gonna do that?
211
00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:58,637
- That's right.
212
00:08:58,639 --> 00:09:00,605
- Marathon, huh?
213
00:09:00,607 --> 00:09:02,073
- Put me down for
a buck a mile.
214
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,212
- You don't pledge
for this one, dad.
215
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,013
- I'm not pledging.
216
00:09:08,015 --> 00:09:10,582
I'm betting.
217
00:09:10,584 --> 00:09:12,884
I say you're crying
like a little girl by mile two.
218
00:09:15,788 --> 00:09:17,656
Hey, ray, you want
some of this action?
219
00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:19,591
- Hey, look. At least
he's got a dream, right?
220
00:09:19,593 --> 00:09:21,259
- Are you making fun, too?
221
00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:23,662
- No, I'm actually jealous.
222
00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:24,896
You have a dream.
223
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:26,164
I got nothing.
224
00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:29,100
- Nothing.
225
00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:31,603
You got nothing.
226
00:09:31,605 --> 00:09:32,604
- What?
227
00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:34,339
- House.
228
00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:36,041
Wife.
229
00:09:36,043 --> 00:09:38,009
Little daughter.
230
00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:40,345
Twin boys.
231
00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:42,714
That's nothing to you?
232
00:09:42,716 --> 00:09:45,584
That was my dream!
233
00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:48,053
Hello!
234
00:09:48,055 --> 00:09:50,322
So why don't you just
go take your little midlife
235
00:09:50,324 --> 00:09:52,190
"I'm shrinking,
I'm dying,
236
00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:53,992
I don't have any dreams,"
237
00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:56,227
And go right back
across the street to paradise.
238
00:09:58,197 --> 00:10:00,131
- Look,
239
00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:01,299
You don't understand.
240
00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:03,101
- Oh, yeah, yeah,
I don't understand.
241
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:05,303
Just go, okay, because I'm gonna
tell you something.
242
00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:06,304
I have--
243
00:10:17,850 --> 00:10:18,850
Ow.
244
00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:22,687
- Are you all right,
robbie?
245
00:10:22,689 --> 00:10:23,722
- Yeah, fine, ma.
246
00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:25,090
I'm fine.
247
00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:26,725
Raymond.
248
00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:27,726
- What?
What do you--
249
00:10:29,195 --> 00:10:30,829
- Okay,
ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,
250
00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:32,163
Ow, ow, ow.
251
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,034
Guess I'm just gonna have to
252
00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:38,670
Scratch dream number two
off my list.
253
00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:48,847
Go ahead and cook
those eggs, ma.
254
00:10:52,251 --> 00:10:55,754
- I should've put my money
on warm-up.
255
00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:57,088
- Raymond, why didn't you
tell us
256
00:10:57,090 --> 00:10:59,157
You were having
a midlife crisis?
257
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:02,293
- The announcements
are still being printed, ma.
258
00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:03,762
- Here, sit down.
259
00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:06,931
Have some eggs.
260
00:11:06,933 --> 00:11:09,434
- You know what I always
wanted to do, ray?
261
00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:12,203
Sing like tony bennett.
262
00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:13,304
- Tony bennett?
263
00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:15,874
- That's right.
264
00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:17,409
But look at me.
265
00:11:17,411 --> 00:11:22,013
Am I tony bennett?
266
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:24,315
- No.
267
00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:27,819
- You see, you do a thing,
and that's what you are.
268
00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:29,754
One guy lives in brooklyn.
269
00:11:29,756 --> 00:11:33,224
One guy lives in sutton place.
270
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:34,359
Another guy's a lawyer.
271
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:36,227
One guy's a doctor.
272
00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:37,262
Another guy dies.
273
00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:38,396
Another guy gets well.
274
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:39,931
People are born--
275
00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:43,301
- What the hell
are you talking about?
276
00:11:43,303 --> 00:11:45,904
- Don't worry so much.
277
00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:48,473
You die,
you did what you did.
278
00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:50,442
- Frank, stop saying "die."
279
00:11:50,444 --> 00:11:53,244
It's obvious
raymond's afraid of dying.
280
00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:54,746
- Well, what am I
supposed to tell him,
281
00:11:54,748 --> 00:11:56,114
That it's not gonna happen?
282
00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:57,348
It's gonna happen.
283
00:11:57,350 --> 00:11:59,350
You're gonna die.
284
00:12:12,264 --> 00:12:13,064
- Thank you, dad.
285
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,134
- There you go.
286
00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:18,970
- Raymond, you know
we're all afraid of death,
287
00:12:18,972 --> 00:12:22,107
But the important thing
is to be ready, see?
288
00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:25,376
Your father and I
have all we need right in here.
289
00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:27,912
We have our will
290
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:29,814
And our insurance
291
00:12:29,816 --> 00:12:34,419
And a deed to our burial plot.
292
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:36,454
- Where's the permit
to the neighbors' parade?
293
00:12:43,262 --> 00:12:44,763
- Frank.
294
00:12:44,765 --> 00:12:45,997
Frank, what is this?
295
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:46,998
- What?
296
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,933
- Our joint burial plot--
297
00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:50,068
It only mentions one.
298
00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:51,436
Where's the other plot?
299
00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:52,504
- What?
Who cares?
300
00:12:52,506 --> 00:12:54,939
I sold it.
301
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:58,376
- You sold half
of our joint burial plot?
302
00:12:58,378 --> 00:13:01,045
- The people next to us
had an unexpected death.
303
00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:02,814
They were very upset.
304
00:13:02,816 --> 00:13:05,517
I got twice
what I paid for it.
305
00:13:05,519 --> 00:13:07,485
- It wasn't yours
to sell!
306
00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:09,521
- I sold my half
of the plot.
307
00:13:09,523 --> 00:13:11,256
- How do you know
it wasn't my half, frank?
308
00:13:11,258 --> 00:13:12,791
I always sleep
on the left.
309
00:13:18,197 --> 00:13:20,131
- And when were you going
to tell me about this?
310
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,033
- I wasn't.
311
00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:24,936
I figured if you went first,
you couldn't yell at me,
312
00:13:24,938 --> 00:13:26,805
And if I went first,
yell all you want.
313
00:13:33,946 --> 00:13:36,548
- You have always wanted
to leave me, haven't you?
314
00:13:36,550 --> 00:13:38,883
- Till death do us part,
marie.
315
00:13:38,885 --> 00:13:39,884
After that,
you're on your own.
316
00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:47,258
- Why don't you fulfill
one of my dreams
317
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:49,127
And leave me alone now?
318
00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:52,297
- Holy crap, we found
something we have in common!
319
00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:55,166
- How bad can death be?
320
00:14:06,145 --> 00:14:07,178
Hey, corn flake.
321
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,413
- Hi.
322
00:14:08,415 --> 00:14:09,848
- Hey, guys.
323
00:14:09,850 --> 00:14:11,149
- You're in
a good mood, huh?
324
00:14:11,151 --> 00:14:13,451
- Yeah, I did a lot of
productive thinking today.
325
00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:14,452
- Yeah?
326
00:14:14,454 --> 00:14:15,887
- Gonna get cremated.
327
00:14:20,125 --> 00:14:21,526
- What?
328
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,127
- Yeah.
329
00:14:23,129 --> 00:14:24,863
Yeah, I think it just
makes sense, you know?
330
00:14:24,865 --> 00:14:26,231
More sense than burial.
331
00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:30,268
I'm not all that gung ho
about decomposing.
332
00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:32,203
- How did you get onto this?
333
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,405
- Look, it pays
to think about these things.
334
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:36,107
Oh, hey, don't be
like that, either.
335
00:14:36,109 --> 00:14:38,977
I don't want
a big, sad funeral, you know?
336
00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:41,379
Make it like
a celebration, you know?
337
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:43,114
People telling stories,
338
00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:44,482
Funny anecdotes about me,
you know?
339
00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:45,483
Like a roast.
340
00:14:48,954 --> 00:14:51,522
- What is wrong with you?
341
00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:53,091
- Good news.
342
00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:54,926
[laughs]
343
00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:57,262
I found a cemetery
that can fit us all in.
344
00:15:02,134 --> 00:15:04,068
- Uh, misery,
your company's here.
345
00:15:06,272 --> 00:15:07,906
- Look.
346
00:15:07,908 --> 00:15:10,241
It's beautiful.
347
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:12,610
But it may be
a little tight.
348
00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:14,646
See, one of us
has to be vertical.
349
00:15:18,384 --> 00:15:19,450
- I don't know, ma.
350
00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:20,585
I'm thinking of going
cremation.
351
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:21,986
- Ohh!
352
00:15:21,988 --> 00:15:24,322
You want to go off
on your own too?
353
00:15:24,324 --> 00:15:27,625
This family
is falling apart.
354
00:15:27,627 --> 00:15:28,960
- This does look nice,
though.
355
00:15:28,962 --> 00:15:30,261
- See?
356
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:32,397
Debra, would you mind
being the vertical one?
357
00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:35,466
- Why debra, ma?
358
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:36,968
- Well, it can't be
your brother.
359
00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:38,102
His head would
stick out of the ground.
360
00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:41,639
- Hey.
361
00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:43,207
How about a wood chipper?
362
00:15:43,209 --> 00:15:46,444
Then we can all fit into
one big trash bag.
363
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:49,280
- That's morbid, dear.
364
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:52,083
- Yes.
365
00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:53,618
- Deb, you should
look at this.
366
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:55,353
This is pretty good.
367
00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:57,188
Deb.
368
00:15:57,190 --> 00:15:58,990
Deb!
369
00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:00,224
You're gonna die, you know!
370
00:16:05,397 --> 00:16:08,166
- Deb, look, I know
you're not excited
371
00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:11,235
About spending eternity
with my parents,
372
00:16:11,237 --> 00:16:13,271
But, you know, it's not going
to be like now
373
00:16:13,273 --> 00:16:16,107
When all they have to do
is cross the street.
374
00:16:16,109 --> 00:16:19,110
I mean, they're gonna have
to bust out of their coffins,
375
00:16:19,112 --> 00:16:24,649
And you know, they
tunnel through the dirt
376
00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:25,717
With, you know--
377
00:16:25,719 --> 00:16:28,486
[growls]
378
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:31,522
Just to get to our coffin,
379
00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:34,025
And then the, you know, banging,
380
00:16:34,027 --> 00:16:36,361
And we could pretend
we're not even there.
381
00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:37,395
- Shut up, shut up!
382
00:16:37,397 --> 00:16:39,297
Would you stop it?
383
00:16:39,299 --> 00:16:42,633
Stop talking about coffins.
384
00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:46,104
- So you want to do
cremation with me?
385
00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:49,340
- Ray, you're supposed to be
having a midlife crisis,
386
00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:52,610
Not an end-of-life crisis.
387
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,212
- Hey, look, don't tell me
388
00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:56,147
How to have
a midlife crisis, okay?
389
00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:57,582
What would you know
about it?
390
00:16:57,584 --> 00:17:01,352
- Because I've already
had mine!
391
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:03,521
- Really?
392
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:06,691
- Yes, a while ago.
393
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:07,792
- Oh, was that the perm?
394
00:17:14,266 --> 00:17:15,566
- No.
395
00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:16,567
- 'cause that didn't look good.
396
00:17:16,569 --> 00:17:19,670
- It was two years ago.
397
00:17:19,672 --> 00:17:23,374
- Well, you never acted like you
were having a midlife crisis.
398
00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:25,810
- Ray, look at me.
399
00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:28,446
I am rubbing cream
on my hands.
400
00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:31,115
Do you know why
I'm rubbing cream on my hands?
401
00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:35,153
- Because it's hand cream?
402
00:17:39,158 --> 00:17:40,625
- No, because my skin
403
00:17:40,627 --> 00:17:42,193
Isn't as soft and smooth
as it used to be.
404
00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:43,394
Have you noticed?
405
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:44,729
- Well, I didn't want
to say anything--
406
00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:45,763
- Shut up, ray.
407
00:17:50,135 --> 00:17:53,237
That is why every night,
I take this cream
408
00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:55,706
And desperately try
to turn back the clock,
409
00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:57,775
And even though I know
this is a losing battle,
410
00:17:57,777 --> 00:18:00,078
I still do it anyway.
411
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:03,748
That is how you have
a proper midlife crisis.
412
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:06,084
You do not start
planning your death.
413
00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:07,518
You go into denial
414
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,320
Like a normal person!
415
00:18:11,423 --> 00:18:12,523
Give me your shoes.
416
00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:13,691
- What?
417
00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:17,361
- Give me your shoes.
418
00:18:17,363 --> 00:18:20,698
- All right, but I think
my shoes are soft enough.
419
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:23,134
- Give them to me.
420
00:18:23,136 --> 00:18:24,669
When you started
going all nuts
421
00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:26,704
About the height thing,
422
00:18:26,706 --> 00:18:28,673
I bought these as a joke,
423
00:18:28,675 --> 00:18:31,809
But now I think
they're actually gonna help.
424
00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:33,678
So stick these on.
425
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:34,779
- Oh, come on.
426
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:36,214
These aren't going
to do anything.
427
00:18:36,216 --> 00:18:37,782
- You want to be
6 feet tall?
428
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,283
Put them on.
429
00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:41,385
- I'm not wearing lifts.
430
00:18:41,387 --> 00:18:42,453
- They're not lifts.
431
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:43,888
They're extra-thick
odor eaters.
432
00:18:46,825 --> 00:18:48,192
Two birds with one stone.
433
00:18:52,197 --> 00:18:54,632
- Look, this doesn't really mean
I'm 6 feet tall.
434
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,701
- Hey, this cream doesn't mean
my hands are any softer
435
00:18:56,703 --> 00:18:58,369
Than they used to be.
436
00:18:58,371 --> 00:18:59,437
- I don't know.
437
00:18:59,439 --> 00:19:01,439
I'm talking about death
here, okay?
438
00:19:01,441 --> 00:19:02,874
You really think
some cheap insoles
439
00:19:02,876 --> 00:19:04,909
Are gonna change
my whole outlook on--
440
00:19:04,911 --> 00:19:06,744
Hey, these are kind of bouncy.
441
00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:08,312
- Oh, yeah?
442
00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:10,681
A little spring
in your step there, young man?
443
00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:14,652
- Mm, yeah, but who am I
really fooling here?
444
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:18,856
- Hey, you only got to fool
one person,
445
00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:20,858
And if I recall,
that person once asked me
446
00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:22,226
If jell-o was a fruit.
447
00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:32,703
- Yeah, yeah.
448
00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:33,905
- Listen,
449
00:19:33,907 --> 00:19:36,474
You do whatever
you need to do.
450
00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:38,576
As for me, I am going to
put these tea bags
451
00:19:38,578 --> 00:19:39,911
On my puffy eyes
452
00:19:39,913 --> 00:19:41,612
And dream about
my bed-and-breakfast
453
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:44,315
By the lake.
454
00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:45,583
Ah, good night.
455
00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:47,718
- Hey, can you put these
in sneakers?
456
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,187
- [sighs]
457
00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:51,222
Put them anywhere you want.
458
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:56,894
- [humming]
459
00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:57,895
Ha-hah!
460
00:20:00,732 --> 00:20:03,201
Feeling tall
and smelling good.
461
00:20:06,738 --> 00:20:07,738
- Idiot.
462
00:20:14,346 --> 00:20:16,380
- Frank, you want
your ice cream or not?
463
00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:18,482
- He's not here, ma.
464
00:20:18,484 --> 00:20:19,684
- Where'd he go?
465
00:20:19,686 --> 00:20:20,751
- I don't know.
466
00:20:20,753 --> 00:20:22,787
He said ray
got him thinking.
467
00:20:22,789 --> 00:20:24,222
- Ray got him thinking?
468
00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:26,691
- Yeah, you believe that?
469
00:20:26,693 --> 00:20:27,692
- About what?
470
00:20:27,694 --> 00:20:29,694
[piano lounge music]
471
00:20:29,696 --> 00:20:35,666
- [singing]
I left my heart
472
00:20:35,668 --> 00:20:42,440
In san francisco
473
00:20:42,442 --> 00:20:43,608
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
474
00:20:43,610 --> 00:20:46,911
My wife thinks
I'm in the bathroom.
475
00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:51,916
[singing]
high on a hill
476
00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:55,019
It calls to me
31443
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