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1
00:00:05,038 --> 00:00:07,373
- Deb, look at this.
2
00:00:07,375 --> 00:00:09,074
I was working out,
I was doing some power crunches,
3
00:00:09,076 --> 00:00:11,477
And I found this lump here.
4
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:15,247
This is something.
This is something here.
5
00:00:16,616 --> 00:00:19,752
This is not--
oh, I got another one.
6
00:00:22,655 --> 00:00:25,157
Oh, it's a set.
That's okay; I'm all right.
7
00:00:25,159 --> 00:00:28,093
Don't worry about it.
8
00:00:28,095 --> 00:00:30,062
- [sighs]
freak.
9
00:00:31,631 --> 00:00:32,664
- Hi, I'm ray.
10
00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:34,233
I live herein long island
11
00:00:34,235 --> 00:00:36,702
With my wife, debra;
12
00:00:36,704 --> 00:00:38,237
My five-year-old daughter;
13
00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:49,148
And twin
almost-two-year-old boys.
14
00:00:49,150 --> 00:00:51,517
My parents live
across the street.
15
00:00:51,519 --> 00:00:53,419
That's right.
16
00:00:53,421 --> 00:00:55,187
The truth is,
I'd do anything for my family.
17
00:00:59,125 --> 00:01:11,804
And done.
18
00:01:11,806 --> 00:01:13,605
- About thanksgiving.
19
00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:14,740
- Yeah, what about it?
20
00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:16,809
- Well, I was thinking,
aren't you tired
21
00:01:16,811 --> 00:01:18,577
Of going to our parents' houses
every year?
22
00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:21,680
- Yeah. Yeah.
The witness protection program.
23
00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:24,349
We go underground this year.
24
00:01:25,618 --> 00:01:27,252
- Here.
Hold this.
25
00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:29,388
I was thinking that instead of
alternating
26
00:01:29,390 --> 00:01:30,522
Between their houses,
27
00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:31,723
We could just
have thanksgiving here.
28
00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:33,392
- No. Here? No. No.
- Why?
29
00:01:33,394 --> 00:01:35,427
- Witness protection program.
Come on.
30
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:36,862
You're going to miss
some people,
31
00:01:36,864 --> 00:01:39,398
But you'll make a lot of friends
when you're blonde.
32
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,867
- Listen, you know,
we're a family,
33
00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:44,536
And I kind of want to have
our own tradition, you know?
34
00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:46,238
When the kids remember
thanksgiving,
35
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:47,706
I want them to think
of our celebration.
36
00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:49,541
- Yeah, but it's supposed
to be at my mom's this year.
37
00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:51,110
- Yeah?
38
00:01:51,112 --> 00:01:53,345
- She doesn't
handle change well, huh?
39
00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:56,815
Remember the great
microwave wars of '93?
40
00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:59,118
- She survived them.
41
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:00,686
They'll just come over here.
42
00:02:00,688 --> 00:02:04,656
- Yeah, but my mom--
my mom's such a great cook.
43
00:02:04,658 --> 00:02:07,359
Thanksgiving, that's what
kind of makes my mom
44
00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:09,194
Worth it.
45
00:02:12,265 --> 00:02:14,233
- You saying
I'm not a great cook?
46
00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:15,501
- No!
47
00:02:15,503 --> 00:02:18,137
But you're always worth it.
48
00:02:18,139 --> 00:02:19,204
See, that's called
a quick save right there.
49
00:02:19,206 --> 00:02:21,240
- Yeah.
50
00:02:21,242 --> 00:02:22,774
- Come on, you don't want to do
all that--
51
00:02:22,776 --> 00:02:25,577
All that cooking and
the shopping and the cleaning.
52
00:02:25,579 --> 00:02:28,547
- Oh, yeah, what a change
of pace that would be.
53
00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:30,716
[knocking at door]
54
00:02:32,185 --> 00:02:34,253
- Smell your father.
55
00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:35,921
- What?
- Would you stop?
56
00:02:35,923 --> 00:02:37,856
- Smell your father.
57
00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:41,827
What does he smell like?
58
00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:43,262
- A summer breeze?
59
00:02:43,264 --> 00:02:44,596
- Oh!
60
00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:46,465
Mothballs.
61
00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:48,300
He pulled this old jacket
out of the attic
62
00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:50,302
Without taking it
to the cleaners first.
63
00:02:50,304 --> 00:02:51,904
Ooh, that smell
makes me sick.
64
00:02:51,906 --> 00:02:53,705
- Oh, relax.
65
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:55,207
If mothballs
were bad for people,
66
00:02:55,209 --> 00:02:57,609
They'd call them peopleballs.
67
00:02:59,612 --> 00:03:01,914
- Oh, debra, how nice.
68
00:03:01,916 --> 00:03:04,650
You're giving sewing
another try.
69
00:03:04,652 --> 00:03:08,420
- This is ally's thanksgiving
costume for school.
70
00:03:08,422 --> 00:03:09,755
- My daughter is a yam.
71
00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:11,490
- Oh!
72
00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:12,858
Maybe she'll put on
a little show for us
73
00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:14,760
After our thanksgiving dinner.
74
00:03:14,762 --> 00:03:16,195
- Oh, well, listen,
75
00:03:16,197 --> 00:03:17,696
Now that you've mentioned it,
marie,
76
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,565
I was thinking
that maybe we could
77
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:21,633
Have thanksgiving here
this year.
78
00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:23,936
- That's silly.
79
00:03:23,938 --> 00:03:25,971
I mean, why go
to all that trouble?
80
00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:28,540
- It is kind of silly.
- Ray.
81
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:31,710
- Listen, ma, debra wants
to try it this year,
82
00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,579
And I do too, since
83
00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:36,882
I sleep over here now.
84
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:41,353
- Yeah, but--but you spent
last year at debra's parents'.
85
00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:42,888
- Well, I was thinking
we could do it here this year,
86
00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:44,590
And then next year
you could do it,
87
00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:46,258
And then my parents.
88
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:48,694
I kind of want
to just start my own tradition.
89
00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:50,596
- Oh, that's fine.
90
00:03:50,598 --> 00:03:51,997
That's just fine.
91
00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:53,265
[chuckles]
92
00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:54,466
I was just wondering
93
00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:56,902
Why you're pulling
that baloney on my year.
94
00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:58,737
- Ma, debra's just trying
95
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,539
To get into the rotation;
that's all.
96
00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:02,708
- This is our year.
97
00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:04,576
Frank, say something.
98
00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:07,446
- Who cares?
99
00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:09,848
Just so long as I get
my favorite piece of the turkey,
100
00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:12,751
The last part
over the fence,
101
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:13,986
The caboose.
102
00:04:15,855 --> 00:04:18,624
- Well, frank,
you have a choice.
103
00:04:18,626 --> 00:04:21,560
You can either have it here
or at home with me,
104
00:04:21,562 --> 00:04:24,730
Where I will be preparing
my usual thanksgiving feast.
105
00:04:24,732 --> 00:04:26,898
- Oh, f-feast.
106
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:28,267
- You heard me.
107
00:04:28,269 --> 00:04:30,602
- Aw.
She's making a feast.
108
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:34,906
- Well, I could eat here
and there.
109
00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:38,010
Then I'd get two cabooses.
110
00:04:41,914 --> 00:04:43,448
- Honey, how big
is a big turkey?
111
00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:45,651
- About 18 pounds.
112
00:04:45,653 --> 00:04:48,654
- 18 pounds.
113
00:04:48,656 --> 00:04:50,722
Oh, I think this one
is just enough.
114
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,791
- Put him down.
115
00:04:54,060 --> 00:04:57,329
- Ooh.
This one is self-basting.
116
00:05:00,533 --> 00:05:02,801
You know, maybe this will be
a good thanksgiving, huh,
117
00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:04,503
Just us and the kids.
118
00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:06,772
You cook,
and I'll watch football
119
00:05:06,774 --> 00:05:09,608
With my pants open all day.
120
00:05:09,610 --> 00:05:12,377
- You know, my dad doesn't
really like football, ray.
121
00:05:12,379 --> 00:05:15,314
- Your parents are coming?
- Yeah.
122
00:05:15,316 --> 00:05:17,049
And they're really happy
we're having thanksgiving here.
123
00:05:17,051 --> 00:05:19,318
- Oh, we just got rid
of two parents.
124
00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:20,919
What are you bringing
two more in?
125
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:22,788
- Your parents should really
be here too, you know?
126
00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:24,956
- Ah, just--that makes
four parents.
127
00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:26,658
You're going backwards.
128
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:28,460
- Come on, ray.
129
00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:29,861
I mean, it's not
a real thanksgiving
130
00:05:29,863 --> 00:05:31,730
Unless the whole family's here.
131
00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:33,865
It would be like when the
russians boycotted the olympics.
132
00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:35,967
You know, it diminished
the whole event.
133
00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:38,503
- Yeah, well, you're forgetting
something very important.
134
00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:40,505
When the russians
didn't come,
135
00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:42,607
We won everything.
136
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,777
- I really want
your parents here, ray.
137
00:05:45,779 --> 00:05:47,079
- Why? Come on.
138
00:05:47,081 --> 00:05:48,447
You're going to hate it
if they come.
139
00:05:48,449 --> 00:05:49,848
The first thing
my father's going to do
140
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,850
Is grab your turkey's butt,
huh?
141
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:53,685
That's not pretty.
142
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:54,986
- Well, that's not going
to happen,
143
00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:58,023
Because this year,
instead of turkey, I was--
144
00:05:58,025 --> 00:05:59,558
- Whoa, ho, ho.
145
00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:00,826
Whoa.
Wait, I'm sorry.
146
00:06:00,828 --> 00:06:03,695
Did you say
"instead of turkey"?
147
00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:05,831
- Yeah, I was thinking
I would cook up
148
00:06:05,833 --> 00:06:08,834
This nice, big, fresh fish.
149
00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:20,512
- Fish.
150
00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:22,514
- Yeah, fish.
151
00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:23,648
- Fish...
152
00:06:23,650 --> 00:06:26,151
On thanksgiving.
153
00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:28,453
- Yeah, I mean, it's really
better for you, you know?
154
00:06:28,455 --> 00:06:32,023
I was going to do
this lovely striped bass.
155
00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:33,792
- Yeah, but a striped bass is...
156
00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:35,794
A fish!
157
00:06:37,697 --> 00:06:39,865
- Miss mccarthy told us
that they had fish
158
00:06:39,867 --> 00:06:41,700
At the first thanksgiving.
159
00:06:41,702 --> 00:06:43,168
- See?
160
00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:45,504
- Well, people were stupid then,
sweetie.
161
00:06:46,806 --> 00:06:48,473
Come on, fish?
162
00:06:48,475 --> 00:06:49,574
- I mean, come on.
163
00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:50,942
We want to start
our own tradition,
164
00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:52,711
And we all like fish,
165
00:06:52,713 --> 00:06:55,847
And ally wants it to be
like the first thanksgiving.
166
00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:57,983
- Why don't we have
some smallpox too, then?
167
00:06:57,985 --> 00:07:00,719
Come on.
What are you, crazy?
168
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:03,088
How can--you want me to convince
my parents to come over here,
169
00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:09,528
And my big sales pitch
is "mmm, mmm, fish."
170
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:11,596
- But, see, it makes sense, ray,
171
00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:14,132
Because, you know, your mom
makes this great turkey.
172
00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:15,434
That's her specialty.
173
00:07:15,436 --> 00:07:17,502
- Right, and you do
a great fish,
174
00:07:17,504 --> 00:07:21,907
But not on turkey day.
175
00:07:21,909 --> 00:07:23,842
Please.
176
00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:26,745
Try that on a day
where there's less pressure.
177
00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:29,648
Pearl harbor day.
178
00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:33,151
Yeah, there's a good holiday
for surprises.
179
00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:35,220
Well, you got your wish.
- Okay.
180
00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:37,189
- Yeah, we're having
thanksgiving here,
181
00:07:37,191 --> 00:07:38,924
And the russians are coming.
182
00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:41,460
- Ah, great.
That's what I wanted.
183
00:07:41,462 --> 00:07:42,727
Here.
- Really?
184
00:07:42,729 --> 00:07:44,162
We'll see.
185
00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:45,597
- What do you mean?
186
00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:47,032
- Well, because my mom now said
187
00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:48,667
She'd be happy to come.
188
00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:50,836
- So what's wrong
with her being happy?
189
00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:52,504
- Just think about it.
190
00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:54,005
This was supposed to be
her year, right?
191
00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:55,707
The year
that you're now taking.
192
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:56,875
And everybody's going to be
coming here,
193
00:07:56,877 --> 00:07:58,677
And she now knows
194
00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:01,646
That the star
of your show is a fish.
195
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:05,650
That makes her very happy.
196
00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:07,919
- Come on;
what are you saying?
197
00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:09,154
That your mother's
looking forward
198
00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:11,623
To my dinner being a flop?
199
00:08:11,625 --> 00:08:12,924
- I'm not saying
she wants it to be a flop,
200
00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:14,926
But she doesn't want it
to be better than hers.
201
00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:17,195
How's that going to look
to aunt emma and uncle mel?
202
00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:19,698
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
203
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:21,833
Emma and mel are coming here?
204
00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:24,603
- Yeah, yeah, she had already
invited them to her house.
205
00:08:24,605 --> 00:08:28,707
- And she's happy
more people are coming
206
00:08:28,709 --> 00:08:31,710
So there'll be witnesses
when I fail.
207
00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:32,911
- That's what I'm thinking.
208
00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:34,246
- Oh, my god.
209
00:08:34,248 --> 00:08:35,680
This is a trap.
It's a--
210
00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:37,549
Oh, god, emma and mel.
211
00:08:37,551 --> 00:08:39,951
Oh, that emma's so weird,
and mel is mean.
212
00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:41,686
- And weird.
- Yeah.
213
00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:43,188
- Listen, here's an idea.
214
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,724
Just cancel the fish.
Go with the turkey.
215
00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:47,158
Then everything
can still be all right.
216
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,528
- I can't compete
with your mother's turkey, ray.
217
00:08:49,530 --> 00:08:52,531
The woman has giblets
in her blood.
218
00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:54,065
- Well, then let's just run
right now.
219
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:56,668
Come on; one call to
the witness protection program,
220
00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:58,270
And we're steve
and phyllis goldenberg
221
00:08:58,272 --> 00:09:00,605
Of tempe, arizona.
222
00:09:00,607 --> 00:09:02,107
- No.
No, no, no, no.
223
00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:04,075
I'm going to rise
to the challenge.
224
00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:05,844
Your mother's going to be
looking for any flaw,
225
00:09:05,846 --> 00:09:07,779
And I'm going to make sure--
we're going to make sure
226
00:09:07,781 --> 00:09:09,047
She doesn't find one.
227
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:09,981
- We? Ho.
- Yes, we.
228
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:11,316
You're going to help me.
229
00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:12,784
- Yeah, but--
- no, no, no.
230
00:09:12,786 --> 00:09:14,886
This whole house
has to be spotless,
231
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,955
And the meal has to be made
entirely from scratch.
232
00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:20,258
- Scratch?
Oh, scratch. Scratch!
233
00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:22,227
That doesn't leave time
for football.
234
00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:23,929
- There is no time
for football.
235
00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:25,330
This has to be
the perfect thanksgiving.
236
00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:27,899
Come on.
Let's go.
237
00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:30,669
- Stupid pilgrims.
238
00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:39,010
All right, I got it,
239
00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:42,080
The last box
of baking powder.
240
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:43,848
I had to fight two old ladies
to get it.
241
00:09:43,850 --> 00:09:45,183
- Really?
What did you do?
242
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:46,785
- Nothing I'm proud of.
243
00:09:46,787 --> 00:09:48,019
All right,
can I watch football now?
244
00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:49,054
- No, no, no, no.
I need you here.
245
00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:50,789
This is not baking powder.
246
00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:52,958
Ray, this is baking soda.
247
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,759
- All right,
it's still a baking thing.
248
00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:57,362
- Great. Now we're not going
to have any biscuits.
249
00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:59,197
I'm sure your mom's going
to take notice of that.
250
00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:00,599
- All right,
what do you want me to do?
251
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:02,801
- Listen, just cut
those radishes, okay?
252
00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:04,869
Make them
into little roses.
253
00:10:04,871 --> 00:10:07,105
- Who am I, merlin?
254
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,807
Come on; give me something
a man can do.
255
00:10:08,809 --> 00:10:10,809
Let me smash walnuts.
256
00:10:10,811 --> 00:10:12,377
[timer dings]
oh, that's the third quarter.
257
00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:14,379
- No, that's the apple
brown betty. Come on.
258
00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:15,880
- I'm going to be
the only sportswriter
259
00:10:15,882 --> 00:10:17,215
Who doesn't get
to watch the game.
260
00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:20,251
- Listen, just stir
those onions, would you?
261
00:10:20,253 --> 00:10:21,987
That's too fast!
That's too fast.
262
00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:23,288
You're crushing the skins!
263
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:24,623
- Ah.
- What? What?
264
00:10:24,625 --> 00:10:26,024
- You're reminding me
the cowboys
265
00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:27,325
Are crushing the 'skins
right now.
266
00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:28,793
[timer dings]
267
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:29,995
- Oh, nice try.
Come back here.
268
00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:30,929
Now, wait,
that's not the carrots,
269
00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:31,930
'cause I checked those.
270
00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:33,131
Creamed onions?
No.
271
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,366
Fish is scaled.
272
00:10:34,368 --> 00:10:35,634
Jell-o mold is set.
273
00:10:37,703 --> 00:10:38,837
Oh, my god.
274
00:10:38,839 --> 00:10:40,405
- What?
What?
275
00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:41,906
- Oh, my god, the squash.
276
00:10:41,908 --> 00:10:43,108
- What?
What squash?
277
00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:44,175
- The squash.
I forgot the squash.
278
00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:45,343
- All right, okay.
So what?
279
00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:46,978
- So what?
It's the squash, ray.
280
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:49,247
It's my only yellow.
281
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:50,882
Where did I put it?
282
00:10:50,884 --> 00:10:51,816
- I don't know.
I don't know.
283
00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:52,851
- Well, think, ray.
Come on.
284
00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:54,052
- I wasn't here.
285
00:10:54,054 --> 00:10:56,755
I was out
not getting baking powder.
286
00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:58,390
- I need that squash.
287
00:10:58,392 --> 00:11:01,126
- Are you as turned on
as I am right now?
288
00:11:01,128 --> 00:11:04,362
- Ray, I need the squash.
289
00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:05,430
- Is that a yes?
- Ray!
290
00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:06,831
- All right.
291
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:09,067
I don't know where it is.
292
00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:10,869
Here.
Could this goopy thing be it?
293
00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:12,704
- Oh, yes. [laughs]
- okay.
294
00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:14,139
- Good.
That's it.
295
00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:15,740
- Good.
Calm down.
296
00:11:15,742 --> 00:11:16,775
- [crying]
- oh, no.
297
00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:19,444
No.
No.
298
00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:21,179
Come on, relax.
Stop.
299
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:23,214
- [sobbing]
I'm sorry.
300
00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:25,750
- Stop; you're reacting
to missing squash
301
00:11:25,752 --> 00:11:29,287
Like the time
we left ally at the mall.
302
00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:31,056
- I think I'm just
a little overwhelmed.
303
00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:32,857
- I know.
I see that.
304
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:34,392
It's going to be all right.
Everything's going to be fine.
305
00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:35,994
- Listen, could you
just run a load of dishes?
306
00:11:35,996 --> 00:11:37,429
- I'll do whatever you want.
307
00:11:37,431 --> 00:11:39,230
- Okay. I'm going to
change geoffrey.
308
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:41,232
- All right,
but relax, though, really.
309
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:43,768
You--
you're out of control here.
310
00:11:43,770 --> 00:11:44,736
Everything's going to be fine.
311
00:11:44,738 --> 00:11:46,337
- Okay.
312
00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:48,440
- Thanks.
- I'm going to help you.
313
00:11:48,442 --> 00:11:50,075
- Okay.
314
00:11:50,077 --> 00:11:52,410
- Okay.
Be careful, all right?
315
00:12:00,219 --> 00:12:03,755
Okay.
Now it's thanksgiving.
316
00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:05,490
This is football.
317
00:12:05,492 --> 00:12:08,293
Your mother doesn't want me
to watch football today.
318
00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:10,161
What's that all about?
319
00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:14,432
You might say, "hey, daddy,
that's being sneaky."
320
00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:16,901
That's why I'm glad
you can't talk yet.
321
00:12:18,904 --> 00:12:22,040
Oh!
Beautiful catch.
322
00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:24,175
Oh, we live
in a great country.
323
00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:27,312
Including--
look at this, michael--
324
00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:29,214
Cheerleaders.
325
00:12:29,216 --> 00:12:32,016
It's everything you could want
in one show.
326
00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:35,987
See, dallas is winning.
327
00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:37,822
I want washington to win.
328
00:12:37,824 --> 00:12:39,457
Or dallas can win
329
00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:41,025
As long as it's not by
more than seven points,
330
00:12:41,027 --> 00:12:45,430
And then dallas
doesn't cover the spread.
331
00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:48,366
Then daddy's friend bernie
owes daddy $20.
332
00:12:50,136 --> 00:12:51,903
Keep your eye on the ball.
333
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:53,304
Now, how did you drop that?
334
00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:55,373
You see, michael,
you got to remember,
335
00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:58,376
Always keep your eye
on the ball.
336
00:13:03,249 --> 00:13:07,919
- Okay, I feel much better now.
337
00:13:07,921 --> 00:13:09,287
- I was just checking
the squash.
338
00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:11,022
- Yeah?
- Looks dynamite.
339
00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:12,524
- Oh, good.
340
00:13:12,526 --> 00:13:16,227
- Okay, now all I got to do
is drain the potatoes,
341
00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:17,929
Finish my relish tray,
342
00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:18,930
And get my fish go--
343
00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:20,331
- Okay.
344
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:22,100
- Where's the fish?
345
00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:24,135
[thumping from dishwasher]
346
00:13:32,178 --> 00:13:33,912
Ray, where's the fish?
347
00:13:33,914 --> 00:13:36,114
- You know, I think
michael might need changing.
348
00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:37,182
Why don't you change him?
349
00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:38,817
- No, michael's fine.
350
00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:41,052
- Somebody needs changing here.
351
00:13:42,988 --> 00:13:44,889
- Where's the fish?
352
00:13:44,891 --> 00:13:47,258
- You know what?
I think I put it in the fridge.
353
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:50,128
- What? What are you trying
to do, ray?
354
00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:52,330
It's not in here.
355
00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:55,900
- Oh, look.
356
00:13:55,902 --> 00:13:57,302
Look.
357
00:13:57,304 --> 00:13:59,571
Here it is right here.
358
00:14:04,476 --> 00:14:08,446
- You put my fish
in the dishwasher?
359
00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:10,915
- Hey, hey,
there's good news.
360
00:14:10,917 --> 00:14:13,151
You know, like usual,
I forgot to put detergent in.
361
00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:14,552
Okay?
All right?
362
00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:16,855
See, the stupidity
finally paid off.
363
00:14:16,857 --> 00:14:18,957
[doorbell rings]
364
00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:20,525
Oh, the guests are arriving.
365
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:21,993
They're here.
366
00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:23,294
Okay.
367
00:14:23,296 --> 00:14:24,996
I washed.
You dry.
368
00:14:30,502 --> 00:14:32,270
- You're a beautiful yam,
honey.
369
00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:34,405
- Mmm.
Yum, yum.
370
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:36,641
Oh, sweetie,
I can't wait to dig in.
371
00:14:36,643 --> 00:14:39,444
Your bass smells wonderful.
372
00:14:39,446 --> 00:14:41,980
- Thank you, mom.
373
00:14:41,982 --> 00:14:42,981
- Just got to know
how to clean it.
374
00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:44,983
- Yes.
375
00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:46,451
Listen, ray, you have been
a wonderful help,
376
00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:48,219
But now that my mom's here,
377
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:49,587
Why don't you go
watch the game with my dad?
378
00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:50,655
- Okay.
All right.
379
00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:53,925
You sure you--
okay. All right.
380
00:14:53,927 --> 00:14:55,360
All right, warren,
what's the score?
381
00:14:55,362 --> 00:14:57,295
Hey, you're watching soccer?
382
00:14:57,297 --> 00:15:00,465
- Uruguay versus venezuela.
383
00:15:00,467 --> 00:15:04,002
- Did anybody score
while I was crossing the street?
384
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:08,172
What the hell is this crap?
385
00:15:08,174 --> 00:15:10,074
- That's soccer.
386
00:15:10,076 --> 00:15:11,676
Frank, only in america
387
00:15:11,678 --> 00:15:15,313
Is football the game
that you're familiar with.
388
00:15:15,315 --> 00:15:17,649
In many countries,
when people refer
389
00:15:17,651 --> 00:15:21,386
To "futbol,"
they actually mean soccer.
390
00:15:26,358 --> 00:15:29,928
- In many countries,
people eat cats.
391
00:15:31,964 --> 00:15:33,631
Hit him!
Hit him!
392
00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:36,467
- Would you boys mind
if I put the parade on?
393
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:39,037
I simply have to see it
this year.
394
00:15:39,039 --> 00:15:41,239
Savion glover's
doing a tap medley
395
00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:45,977
From "bring in 'da noise,
bring in 'da funk."
396
00:15:45,979 --> 00:15:50,048
- Bring in da straitjackets.
397
00:15:50,050 --> 00:15:51,716
- Hey, you can go
watch the game in our room.
398
00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:53,384
- That screen's too small.
399
00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:55,954
- Go--you can take your shoes
off and lie on our bed.
400
00:15:55,956 --> 00:15:57,255
- Oh, that's true.
That's true.
401
00:15:57,257 --> 00:15:59,324
- On it. On the bed,
dad, not in it.
402
00:15:59,326 --> 00:16:01,492
[doorbell rings]
403
00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:03,294
Oh, hi, emma.
404
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:04,395
Oh, you brought your dog.
405
00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:06,097
- Monty would say hello,
406
00:16:06,099 --> 00:16:08,433
But he's got a sour stomach.
407
00:16:08,435 --> 00:16:10,435
- Aw.
- You got any flat soda?
408
00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:12,637
- Yeah.
409
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:16,507
- I'll let the gas
out of some ginger ale.
410
00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:17,976
- What's going on?
- Nothing.
411
00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:19,510
Uh, emma brought her dog.
412
00:16:19,512 --> 00:16:21,012
- You know, the fish
is going to be ready
413
00:16:21,014 --> 00:16:22,113
In ten minutes.
414
00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:23,281
Where are your folks?
415
00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:24,515
- Well, my mom's
not here yet,
416
00:16:24,517 --> 00:16:27,552
But, hey, good news;
dad's in our bed.
417
00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:29,754
- You know your mom's doing this
on purpose, don't you?
418
00:16:29,756 --> 00:16:31,356
Yeah, she's trying to throw
my timing off.
419
00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:32,490
She wants my fish to be
420
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:35,560
A big dried-out piece
of bass jerky.
421
00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:37,362
- You're not going to cry again,
are you?
422
00:16:37,364 --> 00:16:38,696
- No.
- All right. Stop.
423
00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:40,231
[knocking at door]
424
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:42,333
Everything's going fine, okay?
Stop worrying.
425
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:43,668
Everything's going to be
all right.
426
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:45,503
Everybody's going to love
your dinner.
427
00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:47,138
- My god, that fish smell
428
00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:49,140
Is like a--
a punch in the face.
429
00:16:52,378 --> 00:16:53,678
- You remember
great uncle mel
430
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,513
And his childlike innocence.
431
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,148
- Hi, mel.
432
00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:59,784
- Um, fred and bishop
are parking the car.
433
00:16:59,786 --> 00:17:01,319
- Fred and bishop?
434
00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:03,488
- They're friends of mine.
435
00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:06,591
We're not gay.
436
00:17:06,593 --> 00:17:09,494
[dog growls]
437
00:17:09,496 --> 00:17:11,729
- I'll go set
two extra plates.
438
00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:13,798
- Okay, that's the spirit.
439
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,533
Everybody's welcome here.
440
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:17,368
It's thanksgiving.
441
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,604
- Oh, ho.
Happy thanksgiving.
442
00:17:19,606 --> 00:17:21,472
- Ma, what are you doing?
443
00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:24,342
- Well, debra insisted
on cooking a fish,
444
00:17:24,344 --> 00:17:26,778
So I cooked a turkey
in case people want to...
445
00:17:26,780 --> 00:17:28,446
Eat.
446
00:17:30,449 --> 00:17:31,783
- Thanks for doing this,
raymond.
447
00:17:31,785 --> 00:17:33,584
Looks like you got
the whole family together.
448
00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:36,587
- Yeah, yeah,
it's dysfunction-palooza.
449
00:17:38,323 --> 00:17:40,158
- Oh, you know
what I forgot?
450
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,527
Oven mitts.
451
00:17:45,197 --> 00:17:47,065
- Is that a turkey?
452
00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:48,299
- A turkey?
453
00:17:48,301 --> 00:17:49,801
- What are you trying to do?
454
00:17:49,803 --> 00:17:52,236
- Oh, don't worry.
It's just to pick at.
455
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:54,505
But it's very heavy.
Where do you want me to put it?
456
00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:55,640
- I'll tell you
where you can put it.
457
00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:57,642
- Right--it goes here.
458
00:17:57,644 --> 00:17:59,644
Put it on the table,
459
00:17:59,646 --> 00:18:01,345
Right next to
our beautiful fish.
460
00:18:01,347 --> 00:18:03,114
- Bigger and bigger.
461
00:18:03,116 --> 00:18:04,482
- Huh?
462
00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:07,518
Fish and fowl, friends.
463
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:12,090
Together
on our table of thanks.
464
00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:14,092
- Okay, I think
this is everything here.
465
00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:15,259
- Here, honey.
466
00:18:15,261 --> 00:18:16,294
- Be careful, mom;
it's really heavy.
467
00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:17,595
Got it?
468
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:18,830
[people talking and laughing]
469
00:18:18,832 --> 00:18:20,832
Okay, hey, ray, why don't you
do a toast, huh?
470
00:18:20,834 --> 00:18:23,668
Everybody, get your glass.
Get your glass.
471
00:18:23,670 --> 00:18:26,304
- I just want to, uh--
I want to thank my wife
472
00:18:26,306 --> 00:18:28,306
For whipping up
this beautiful dinner
473
00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:30,141
All the way from scratch.
474
00:18:30,143 --> 00:18:31,709
- Cheers, darling.
475
00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:34,178
- I want to thank everybody
for coming,
476
00:18:34,180 --> 00:18:36,881
And welcome,
welcome to our home.
477
00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:40,184
- I'll drink to that.
478
00:18:40,186 --> 00:18:42,286
- Let's eat.
479
00:18:43,689 --> 00:18:45,223
- Everybody, just go ahead
and pass it...
480
00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:46,691
- Would you like some yams?
481
00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:49,460
- No, no.
I hate yams.
482
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:52,597
- Aw, honey,
he doesn't hate all yams.
483
00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:53,631
- Yes, I do.
I hate them.
484
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:55,533
They're very binding.
485
00:18:57,803 --> 00:19:00,738
- Hey, the fish
isn't so bad.
486
00:19:00,740 --> 00:19:03,508
- Honey, your fish
is magnificent.
487
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:04,609
- Thank you, daddy.
488
00:19:04,611 --> 00:19:06,577
- Have you tried
the turkey, ray?
489
00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:10,181
- Nom, no, not yet.
I will.
490
00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:11,649
I won't.
491
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,417
I will.
492
00:19:16,788 --> 00:19:18,289
- [coughs]
493
00:19:18,291 --> 00:19:19,557
- You okay, dad?
494
00:19:19,559 --> 00:19:20,825
- I'll be all right.
495
00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,426
Just went down
the wrong pipe.
496
00:19:22,428 --> 00:19:24,695
- I think he's gagging
on the fish.
497
00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:25,663
- How do you know
it's the fish?
498
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:27,398
It could be the turkey.
499
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,600
- Well, slap him
on the back, warren.
500
00:19:29,602 --> 00:19:30,868
- My pleasure.
501
00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:32,870
- Robert, do something.
Do something.
502
00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:35,206
He's choking on the fish.
503
00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:37,275
- Or turkey.
- Get up there.
504
00:19:37,277 --> 00:19:39,310
Okay, okay. I got him.
I got him.
505
00:19:44,883 --> 00:19:46,551
- Are you all right, frank?
506
00:19:46,553 --> 00:19:47,652
- I'm all right.
507
00:19:47,654 --> 00:19:49,620
- Oh, thank god.
Oh!
508
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:51,422
I bet it's the fish.
509
00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:53,658
- It could have just as well
have been the turkey.
510
00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:57,261
- Well, let's go
to the field for the call.
511
00:19:57,263 --> 00:19:59,463
- Oh.
That is a piece of fish.
512
00:19:59,465 --> 00:20:01,599
- I knew it.
513
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:03,467
- You must be very happy.
514
00:20:03,469 --> 00:20:05,736
- Deb.
- What?
515
00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:08,806
- Ma, this is supposed to be
debra's thanksgiving.
516
00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:10,508
Look how you're acting here.
517
00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:15,446
- Will somebody please
pass the fish?
518
00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:17,748
[coughing]
519
00:20:19,551 --> 00:20:22,753
- Dad,
here's a little advice.
520
00:20:22,755 --> 00:20:24,689
Chew.
521
00:20:25,857 --> 00:20:27,725
- Deb, you did a great job.
522
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:28,693
It's a great meal.
523
00:20:28,695 --> 00:20:30,328
- Oh, yeah.
Not to her.
524
00:20:30,330 --> 00:20:31,862
You know, nothing I ever do
is good enough,
525
00:20:31,864 --> 00:20:33,497
And it's always been that way.
526
00:20:33,499 --> 00:20:34,899
- Well, don't worry
about what she thinks.
527
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:36,601
I think you pulled it off.
528
00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:39,303
- I do too.
529
00:20:39,305 --> 00:20:41,305
I couldn't help overhearing.
530
00:20:41,307 --> 00:20:42,540
- Ma, we're talking.
531
00:20:42,542 --> 00:20:44,375
- I had no business
532
00:20:44,377 --> 00:20:46,811
Making a turkey
on your thanksgiving.
533
00:20:46,813 --> 00:20:49,580
And your fish is wonderful.
534
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:52,516
I mean, whenever I make fish,
frank won't even touch it.
535
00:20:52,518 --> 00:20:53,884
- You don't have
to say that, marie.
536
00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:56,387
- No, honey, I do.
No, I do.
537
00:20:56,389 --> 00:21:00,758
I, uh--
well, you know--
538
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,693
When I wanted to make
my first thanksgiving
539
00:21:02,695 --> 00:21:04,328
For everybody,
540
00:21:04,330 --> 00:21:06,631
My mother-in-law
went out of her way
541
00:21:06,633 --> 00:21:08,366
To make me miserable.
542
00:21:08,368 --> 00:21:09,533
- Nonny barone?
543
00:21:09,535 --> 00:21:12,403
- Oh, yeah.
She was a horrible woman.
544
00:21:12,405 --> 00:21:14,639
I mean, very pushy.
545
00:21:15,841 --> 00:21:17,475
Well, I gue--
you know, I--
546
00:21:17,477 --> 00:21:19,310
I guess I've been making you
thanksgiving dinner
547
00:21:19,312 --> 00:21:20,845
For so many years, I--
548
00:21:20,847 --> 00:21:22,780
I felt a little threatened.
549
00:21:22,782 --> 00:21:24,682
- Oh.
I threatened you?
550
00:21:24,684 --> 00:21:28,286
- Hey, there you go, honey.
551
00:21:28,288 --> 00:21:31,756
- You know, you've made
a beautiful thanksgiving.
552
00:21:31,758 --> 00:21:33,791
- Oh, boy.
553
00:21:33,793 --> 00:21:35,993
- And you know what?
554
00:21:35,995 --> 00:21:39,297
Why--why should I work so hard
anymore?
555
00:21:39,299 --> 00:21:40,631
From now on,
556
00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:43,467
We're all coming here
every thanksgiving,
557
00:21:43,469 --> 00:21:45,636
Right here.
558
00:21:51,043 --> 00:21:54,378
- [ray crying]
- oh, honey.
559
00:21:54,380 --> 00:21:56,747
It's okay.
It's okay.
560
00:22:12,564 --> 00:22:13,998
- If you needed
any more proof
561
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:17,401
That your thanksgiving
was perfect, here it is.
562
00:22:20,672 --> 00:22:23,040
[men snoring]
563
00:22:34,886 --> 00:22:37,621
Congratulations.
39272
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