All language subtitles for Everybody.Loves.Raymond.S01E04.Standard.Deviation.720p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BS

- Oh, no.
- What is it?

- I was daydreaming,
and now I can't remember

If I shampooed my hair or not.

- So?
Do it again.

- I can't,
'cause if I've washed it already

And do it again,

My hair's going to be
too fluffy.

- So don't do it again.

- Well, what if I didn't do it?

Then it's going to be too oily.

What?
This is important.

- Oh, yeah,
it's a real crisis.

You want me to call in sick
for you today, ray?

- Well, I'm weird.

Hey, how about the time
you didn't want to go outside

'cause you thought your haircut
made your butt look fat?

I'm the weird one, right?

[yells]

[glass breaks]
ow.

Hi, I'm ray.

I live here in long island

With my wife, debra;

My five-year-old daughter;

And twin
almost-two-year-old boys.

My parents live
across the street.

That's right.

The truth is,
I'd do anything for my family.

And done.

And done.

- So all three kids are down.

Free at last,
free at last.

Thank god almighty,
I'm free at last.

Now it's going to be
all about me.

Me, me, me.

How's it going, fluffy?

- Not good.

Come on, what is this
health insurance?

Matching the doctor bills
to the worksheets,

Who paid who, what, when?

No, this--
this has to be woman's work.

- Oh, great.

Well, I'll just do
some man's work:

Watch a little tv
and scratch myself.

- Ah.

Look at this.
I can't make that number out.

That could be a nine.
Could be a four.

This'll have to wait
until tomorrow.

What's on, honey?

- Ray, come on.

You haven't worked on that
at all.

- You're missing the point.

The point is...

I will rub your feet.

- You know, you got to--
you got to get this done.

- With lotions.
Come on.

I'm not even a foot person.

Matter of fact,

The whole idea
of rubbing feet makes me sick.

- Just shut up and rub.

That's tickling.

That's not rubbing.
That's tickling!

[screeches]

- Hey.

Glad you're not busy.

- What makes you think
we're not busy, robert?

- Well, I saw
through the window.

- You were looking?

- Well, I'm a cop.
It's my training.

- Well, you know, robert,

It may look like
we're not busy, but...

Get out.

- I need you to take
an I.Q. Test.

- What?
- An I.Q. Test.

I'm taking
a criminal psychology class

To make lieutenant,

And I have to learn
how to give an I.Q. Test.

- I--

I think he wants me
to steal third.

- Have I ever asked you for
anything, raymond?

- Oh--

You've got to get
out of mom's house.

- All right.

Yeah, just forget about it.

- Oh, god.

We have to.
I mean, it's for his class.

- Just keep talking.
He's almost gone.

- We'll do it, robert.
- No.

Three more steps.

- You'll do it?
- Yeah.

- Oh, thank you so much.

This really means a lot to me.

- But, listen,
we're not going to--

- There's no talking.

Now, I'll be testing you
one-on-one

For each section.

This is very important.

I have to treat you
both the same.

I'm not supposed to chitchat.

And I've got to be
stone-faced.

- There's a stretch.

- Again, no talking.

- So, uh, where do you
want to do this, robert?

- I thought we could start
with you in the basement,

If that's all right, debra.

- How come you didn't snap--

- No talking!

- ... Up to 40 miles per hour.

- How bad is it?

- Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup!

- How'd you do?

- I think I did really well.
It's pretty easy.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Give me some answers.

- I thought you didn't care.

- I don't.
- Well?

- Give me some answers.

- No.

- Okay. All right.

Okay, that's how
it's going to be?

- Well, I'm not cheating.

- What?

- I'm not cheating.

What are you doing?

- No talking, debra.

- That would be
the magna carta.

Did debra get that?

I'd bet debra didn't get
that one.

- Who invented
the cotton gin?

- Oh, that's easy.

Eli wallach.

Whitney! Whitney!

Eli whitney.
You know what--

I meant whitney, robert.

- Okay, using these blocks,

Please reconstruct
the figure in this diagram.

- I don't understand.

- You have 10 seconds.
Go.

- I don't understand.

Robert, these
three-dimensional blocks,

But it's a two-dimensional
drawing.

How am I supposed to--

- Time.
- Time.

Don't take the blocks.
I want the blocks.

Robert, that's not fair.

I want my blocks back!

[exhales]

- How'd it go?

- Oh, I think I aced it.

How'd you do on the blocks?

- Oh, that was impossible.

He didn't give me
any time at all.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- I thought there was
plenty of time.

- Hi. Is robert here?

- He's downstairs, grading us.

- Ah, you see?

They're not afraid
of taking the test.

- I don't want
my brain measured.

It's gotten me this far.

- For some reason, your father
has something to hide.

- I don't believe in tests.

All they do
is deal with book smarts.

They don't measure
street smarts.

- And you're street smart?

- I am very street smart.

- [laughing]

Have him tell you about the time
he bought seafood

Out of the back
of a derelict's car.

- He was legit.

- Oh, he had the prices
tattooed on his body.

- One bad mussel
in a whole bucket.

- I threw up for three weeks

So that you could save
79 cents?

- They were delicious.

You could taste the ocean.

- I'm still tasting it.

Ooh.

- Good night.

- Oh, robby.

- Wait a minute.
How'd it go?

And evaluated the test
correctly.

I feel I did pretty good.
Good night.

- Who cares about you?
Tell us the scores.

- It's not about us, ray.

Robert, just placate him.
Tell him the scores.

- Placate--

To appease,
to make feel better.

- The scores
aren't really important.

- I know that,
but your brother seems to--

- Yeah, but I'm not
supposed to--

- Tell us the scores!

I'm just curious.

- All right.
Raymond, you got 100.

- 100.

- Oh, a perfect score!

Ooh, that's my raymond.

Thank god you got
your mother's brains.

- 100 is average.

- Average?

He got that from you.

- Uh, what did I get?

- Debra, you scored 115.

- Yes!

Well, that's close.

- No, I'm sorry.
You're not close.

15 points is
one standard deviation.

- Oh!

- Well, what's that?

- Well, that means
that between the two of you,

Well, debra's in a whole
higher class of brains.

- Holy crap.

- Good night.

- Well, I mean,
they're just, you know,

Test scores, ray.

It was really about robert
learning to give the test.

- Yeah, but I didn't know
he was going to learn

That you're smart
and I'm an idiot.

- There's more than
one kind of intelligence, ray.

- That's right.

There are street smarts!

- All right,
are you ready for this?

Don't fall
out of your chairs.

Our store is on the internet.
- No.

You just point your browser
down to www.Bernie.Com,

And there I am,
straddling a jet ski.

- Whoo!

- Oh, boy, he looks so cute
in his speedo.

- Well--
oh, I'm sorry, ray.

I'm sure debra knows
all about the internet,

But let's talk about something
we can all understand.

Pizza hot.

[laughs]

- Yeah.
- Oh!

- Yeah, yeah.
Have your fun.

- Leave him alone, bernie.

He didn't tell you
about the test

So you could use it
against him.

- You know nothing
about friendship.

- Stop it.
Look, I don't care.

I don't care.

It's all right.
I don't care.

- Can I get you something, ray?
Look, you're all out of soda.

- I am?
- Yeah.

You know what?
I'll go get you another one.

You want a lemon wedge?

- All right.
That'd be nice.

- Okay.
- I'm going to get one too.

- Yeah, I'll take one.
- Oh, please.

Why is ray so depressed?
It was just a test.

- I guess seeing
in black and white

That I'm smarter than him

Just blew out his self-esteem.

I mean, I'm trying
to make him feel better,

But nothing works.

- Oh, come on.

You had to know
you were smarter.

- Well, of course, but...

I still feel guilty.

- You okay?

- Are they looking?

- No. Why?

- Come here.

- What?

- You have got to take
this test!

- What are you talking about?

- I'm talking,

She feels so bad for me,
I got it made.

She's getting lemon
in my soda.

I can't do anything.

She's doing everything
for me,

Including...

- No!

- Yes!

Oh--

You know,
when the results came in,

At first I was upset
because I was stupid.

Now this is the greatest thing
that ever happened.

- Oh, I got to take this test.

- Yes.

- I just hope
I'm stupid enough.

- Don't worry.

- How you feeling?

- Oh, you know.

- Here you go, honey.

- Ice cream on the couch?

- Mm-hmm.

- It's my favorite.

None for you?

- That was the last of it, so...

- Oh. Sorry.

- Um, you know, honey,
I was thinking,

That health insurance
has to be in tomorrow.

Did you finish it yet?

- Health insurance?

Oh, you know, I want to.

I want to.

But I've just been,
you know,

So down.

Maybe you should--
- what?

- Well, I mean,
it's very important,

And I don't think
we should trust it

To somebody like me.

Mmm, fudgy.

- All right.

All right, that is it.

You know,
at first I felt bad

Because you were
so depressed,

But now I think you're
really milking it here.

- What do you mean?

- Oh, what, you don't think
I see through this?

- What do you mean?

- I don't believe you, ray.

Making me feel guilty,
you little weasel.

- Oh, I'm--I'm depressed again.

- Do the health insurance,
you big fake.

"mmm, fudgy."
give me that.

- You know, I read somewhere

Where the happiest marriages
are the ones

Where the man is smarter.

- Guess who wrote that.

[doorbell rings]

Get the door.

It's that big wooden thing

With the knob
that's not your head.

- Everything all right?

I thought I saw an argument.

- Stop stalking us.

- This wouldn't be
about the, uh...

- No.
- Would it?

- Yeah, we don't care
about that.

- Oh, good, 'cause
I want you to know

I think I might have,
uh, made a mistake

With your test results,
jumbled them.

- Wh-what do you mean?

- Well, actually, raymond,
you were the one who scored

One standard deviation higher
than debra.

- What?

- Good night.

- Well...

Now it's a happy marriage.

Fudgy.

- No.

No.

No.

No.

No, no, no.

Nooooo.

No.

No!

- Debra.

- You had to tell
your mother

That you're
the smarter one.

- She's my mother.

If I can't tell her,
who can I tell?

- You told linda.

- No, I did--
no, absolutely not.

I would never tell linda.

- Then you told bernie.

- Well, who knew
he'd talk to his wife?

- You know what?

I have been holding this in
all day.

There is no way
that you are smarter than me.

- Smarter than I.

- All right, what's the name
of the 18th-century poet

Who wrote
"a modest proposal," huh?

Huh?

- Yeah, well, what's the name
of "the twilight zone"

Where the astronauts meet
the giant lady?

- Oh, please.

Who's the first woman
to win a nobel prize?

- How much does
mickey rooney weigh on the moon?

- What's a petit four?

- What's a wedgie?

- When you first met me,

Was my hair long or short?

- Well...

I know one thing for sure;

It was blonde.

Oh, that wasn't you.

Yeah, but I broke up
with her then

To go out with you.

All right, I'll just sleep
on the couch.

- No.

- Got you some coffee.

- Oh, thanks.

- It was short.

It was short.

I remember it was curly,

'cause it was raining out.

And it was lighter
than it is now,

But I remember it was short.

- Oh, ray.

No.

- I took a shot.

Come on; why has this test
gotten you so upset?

- I just thought
I knew who we were,

Like as a couple.

You know, our strengths,
our weaknesses and--

Look at me.

You got to know deep down

That I'm smarter than you,
don't you?

- Look, if it was up to me,
I'd be as dumb as a post,

But numbers don't lie.

- Hey.

Busy?

- What, robert?

- Well, you know
that I.Q. Test I gave you?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Well, those weren't
your real scores.

- What?

- Whose scores were they?

- Well, I had to set you up.

Hey, pop tart.

- You set us up?

- I had to do it
for the credit.

I mean, I couldn't tell you
about it,

'cause that was part
of the class,

And then, you know,
I wouldn't get the credit.

- We were for credit.
- Mm-hmm.

But, see, the real test
was about human behavior.

You know, like how
a suspect would act

If you messed
with his self-image.

- We're not suspects.

- Of course not.

I'm going to have to ask you

A couple of questions, sir.

- Wait a minute.

What are you telling--
you made up the scores?

- Yeah.

- And then
you switched them around

To see
what would happen to us.

- Yeah.

D-d-did you turn
on each other?

- Robert, we've been fighting
for three days!

- Okay, wait,
I got to get that down.

I got to fill
a five-page paper.

- I had to sleep
on the couch last night.

- Okay, that's good.

I can't believe this worked.

- No, robert,
you can't do this to people.

- Okay, wait,
a little slower.

- Wait. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Let me get this straight.

So I'm not smarter than her?

- I'd be very surprised.

- Good morning.

- Ma, what's the matter?

- We took the test.

- What happened?

- Well--

Listen, mom, dad,
about the test results.

I think I may have
jumbled them.

- Jumbled?

- Yeah, maybe made a mistake
with the columns.

We should talk about it
over at the house.

I think I mixed--
I mixed and matched them.

I don't know what happened.

Extra credit.