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1
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:12,444
- Hang in there, honey.
I think I hear daddy coming.
2
00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:14,413
I think I hear him coming.
3
00:00:14,415 --> 00:00:15,714
- Hey.
4
00:00:19,052 --> 00:00:20,586
What, has he been
drinking again?
5
00:00:30,630 --> 00:00:32,131
Hi, I'm ray.
6
00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:33,632
I live here
in long island
7
00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:41,740
With my wife, debra,
8
00:00:41,742 --> 00:00:43,342
My five-year-old daughter,
9
00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:46,111
And twin
almost-two-year-old boys.
10
00:00:46,113 --> 00:00:48,213
My parents live
across the street.
11
00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:57,222
That's right.
12
00:00:57,224 --> 00:01:00,059
The truth is,
I'd do anything for my family.
13
00:01:03,163 --> 00:01:04,530
And--done.
14
00:01:15,442 --> 00:01:17,376
Hey.
15
00:01:17,378 --> 00:01:21,680
You know what I think
is really sexy?
16
00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:23,282
- What?
17
00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:25,551
- A man who does
the dishes.
18
00:01:30,190 --> 00:01:32,291
- No.
Does nothing for me.
19
00:01:33,293 --> 00:01:35,494
You know what
does it for me?
20
00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:37,863
A woman who does
the dishes--
21
00:01:37,865 --> 00:01:39,531
With another woman.
22
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:41,233
- Wow.
23
00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:42,868
- Come on.
24
00:01:42,870 --> 00:01:44,603
Hey, where
are you going?
25
00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:45,771
What have you
got there?
26
00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:46,772
- Mommy's pen.
27
00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:47,806
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
28
00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:49,608
That's my laundry marker.
29
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,743
Honey, have you been
drawing on the walls again?
30
00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:53,412
- No.
I drew on geoffrey.
31
00:01:53,414 --> 00:01:54,413
- You--
32
00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:56,248
- Oh.
33
00:01:56,250 --> 00:01:58,217
What?
You drew on geoffrey?
34
00:01:58,219 --> 00:01:59,685
- He asked me to.
35
00:01:59,687 --> 00:02:01,553
- Oh, my god.
36
00:02:08,161 --> 00:02:10,496
It's bad news
for europe, ray.
37
00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:13,332
- Just relax.
All right?
38
00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:14,766
Just relax.
I'll take care of it.
39
00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:16,135
It's coming off.
40
00:02:16,137 --> 00:02:17,903
It's coming off.
41
00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:20,305
It's not coming off.
42
00:02:22,408 --> 00:02:23,542
- Here. Let me see
if I can do this.
43
00:02:23,544 --> 00:02:24,576
[knock on door]
44
00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:26,678
Ally, come on.
Come with me.
45
00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:32,284
- You know
your front door is locked?
46
00:02:32,286 --> 00:02:36,321
- Yeah, we thought it would
keep out the bad people.
47
00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:38,757
- You think evil
cares about a lock?
48
00:02:42,328 --> 00:02:44,196
- Ray, I've got
some news.
49
00:02:44,198 --> 00:02:46,198
I don't know
the best way to break this.
50
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:47,666
Your great-uncle gus?
51
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:49,168
Dead.
52
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:54,239
- Oh, no.
I liked him.
53
00:02:54,241 --> 00:02:55,807
- Yeah. Me too.
54
00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:57,509
Hey, nuts.
55
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:03,682
- Deb, uncle gus died.
56
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:05,517
- Oh, that's terrible.
57
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:09,588
- He had a heart attack.
He was 94.
58
00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:12,424
- We still haven't
ruled out foul play.
59
00:03:14,227 --> 00:03:15,427
- That's really a shame.
60
00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:17,563
Gus was a sweet guy, huh?
- Yeah.
61
00:03:17,565 --> 00:03:19,264
- Remember how he always
wanted to read
62
00:03:19,266 --> 00:03:20,799
Everything you wrote?
- Yeah.
63
00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:23,268
And he gave me a gold pen
when I graduated.
64
00:03:23,270 --> 00:03:25,370
I always felt like
I was his grandson.
65
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:27,506
- He wants you
to deliver his eulogy.
66
00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:30,442
- What?
I hardly knew the guy!
67
00:03:31,444 --> 00:03:33,579
- It was his dying wish.
68
00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:36,515
- Even dead people
love raymond.
69
00:03:36,517 --> 00:03:37,849
- Look, I can't do it.
I can't.
70
00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:39,818
Get somebody else
to do it.
71
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:42,588
- No.
Old gus wanted you.
72
00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:43,989
It was in his will.
73
00:03:43,991 --> 00:03:45,357
- I can't do it.
74
00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:46,592
Look, I can't talk
in front of people.
75
00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:48,260
Even talking to you
is hard enough.
76
00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:49,828
I--no.
77
00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:52,497
Please, let robert do it.
Robert could do the eulogy.
78
00:03:52,499 --> 00:03:54,299
- Peanut, almond, cashew.
79
00:03:54,301 --> 00:03:56,235
Peanut, almond--
80
00:03:56,237 --> 00:03:58,570
Cashew.
81
00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:01,673
- I think you're doing
the eulogy, ray.
82
00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:02,641
[knocking]
83
00:04:04,611 --> 00:04:06,979
- Oh, this is terrible.
It's awful.
84
00:04:06,981 --> 00:04:10,015
I just found out that my sister
is coming to the funeral.
85
00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:11,750
- Aunt alda's coming
all the way from canada?
86
00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:14,419
- Uh-huh!
- Well, that's great.
87
00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:16,355
If you like aunt alda.
88
00:04:16,357 --> 00:04:17,556
Who does?
89
00:04:19,525 --> 00:04:20,692
- All right,
have your fun.
90
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,394
That woman
broke my heart.
91
00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:24,029
- Not this again.
92
00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:26,665
- She never even sent raymond
a wedding present.
93
00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:30,435
Because you put her
at a bad table at the reception.
94
00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:32,738
- Hey, aunt alda did
kind of ruin the wedding.
95
00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:34,806
- It was seven years ago,
96
00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:36,775
And you're still
not talking.
97
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:39,745
I hate this story.
98
00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:42,014
- What am I supposed
to do, huh?
99
00:04:42,016 --> 00:04:43,982
Our cousin theresa
has cataracts,
100
00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:45,584
So she's got to
sit up front.
101
00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:47,819
Then she shows up
with her daughter stacy,
102
00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:49,855
The 300-pound nutritionist.
103
00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:52,457
That's another two seats.
104
00:04:53,926 --> 00:04:55,394
- Can hitler
have a juice box?
105
00:04:55,396 --> 00:04:57,429
- Yeah.
I'll get it.
106
00:04:58,531 --> 00:05:00,866
- Oh.
You understand, ray.
107
00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:03,402
I know you do.
108
00:05:03,404 --> 00:05:05,804
You're sensitive
and artistic--
109
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:08,440
- Ahem.
110
00:05:08,442 --> 00:05:10,475
- Oh, you don't have
to be sensitive, dear.
111
00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:11,777
You're big.
112
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:15,847
- Look, ma,
I understand your fight,
113
00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:17,582
You and alda,
but listen.
114
00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:19,985
Ma, gus is dead,
and I got to give this eulogy,
115
00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:21,586
So please, don't make
trouble at the funeral.
116
00:05:21,588 --> 00:05:22,854
- I'm not going to make
trouble for you
117
00:05:22,856 --> 00:05:24,890
Or anybody else.
118
00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:26,024
- Good.
119
00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:28,360
- Because I'm not
going to be there.
120
00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:35,000
- Peanut, almond, cashew.
121
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:36,601
Peanut, almond, cashew.
122
00:05:36,603 --> 00:05:38,403
Peanut, almond--
123
00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:44,843
Oh, this isn't good.
124
00:05:50,917 --> 00:05:52,417
- "gus."
125
00:05:52,419 --> 00:05:53,985
Gus--
126
00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:57,789
Gus, gus, gus.
127
00:05:57,791 --> 00:06:00,459
Gus.
128
00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:01,860
- Hi.
How's the eulogy coming?
129
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,428
- Oh, I wish I were gus.
130
00:06:03,430 --> 00:06:04,896
- Oh.
131
00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:06,665
- I can't do it.
You should do this.
132
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:08,467
No. You were in p.R.
133
00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:10,736
You're good at bull--
p.R.
134
00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:13,638
- Get up. Get up.
135
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:15,707
I'll--look,
it's not that hard.
136
00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:18,810
Know how to put
the right spin on things.
137
00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:21,446
Just tell me
something about gus.
138
00:06:21,448 --> 00:06:22,581
- What's to tell?
139
00:06:22,583 --> 00:06:23,849
For the last
30 years,
140
00:06:23,851 --> 00:06:25,617
He sat in front
of the television
141
00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:27,886
With a bowl
of baked beans.
142
00:06:29,088 --> 00:06:31,089
- He was a great
patron of the arts.
143
00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:32,791
All right.
144
00:06:32,793 --> 00:06:33,992
And a gourmet.
145
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:36,661
Tell me something else.
146
00:06:36,663 --> 00:06:38,096
- Uh, he could
belch the alphabet
147
00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:41,166
To the letter "m."
148
00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:43,568
- A man of letters.
149
00:06:45,639 --> 00:06:47,906
- Thank you.
- Yeah. Come here.
150
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:49,408
- Ooh.
151
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:02,454
- Dad?
152
00:07:02,456 --> 00:07:03,789
- It's your mother.
153
00:07:03,791 --> 00:07:07,025
She won't stop crying
about this alda business.
154
00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:09,961
- So why are you here?
155
00:07:09,963 --> 00:07:11,997
- Well, somebody's
got to talk to her.
156
00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:13,932
- Well, you're her husband.
157
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,734
What's wrong with you?
158
00:07:15,736 --> 00:07:17,969
- She says I don't
understand her.
159
00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:19,971
- Well, why don't you
go talk to her?
160
00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:23,141
- 'cause I don't
understand her.
161
00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:24,676
Ray, you go.
162
00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:29,147
I got work to do here.
Big eulogy coming up.
163
00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:31,716
- What, you don't care
how much your mother suffers,
164
00:07:31,718 --> 00:07:33,452
Or if I starve?
165
00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:35,153
- Oh, you're starving?
166
00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:36,988
- Hey,
you know your mother.
167
00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:39,090
When she gets upset,
she doesn't cook.
168
00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:41,660
When she doesn't cook,
I don't eat.
169
00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:43,228
You do the math.
170
00:07:49,035 --> 00:07:49,835
[knock on door]
171
00:07:51,103 --> 00:07:53,839
- Oh, hello, ray.
- Hi.
172
00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:55,540
- Your father send you?
173
00:07:55,542 --> 00:07:57,776
- No, no.
I wanted to come.
174
00:07:57,778 --> 00:07:59,077
I won the bet to come.
175
00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:01,012
- Huh.
176
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:02,714
He hates it
when I cry.
177
00:08:02,716 --> 00:08:06,017
It reminds him
of our wedding night.
178
00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:07,819
- Hey, is this gus?
- Yeah.
179
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,588
- Hey, he's good-looking.
- Uh-huh.
180
00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:12,491
- Guys can say that now.
181
00:08:12,493 --> 00:08:14,893
- I loved him. Oh.
182
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:17,963
Oh, here we are
at coney island.
183
00:08:17,965 --> 00:08:21,500
- Hey, ma, maybe you should
come to the funeral,
184
00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:23,101
You know, just
to say good-bye to gus.
185
00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:25,237
- Be in the same room with alda?
Uh-uh.
186
00:08:25,239 --> 00:08:26,705
Not even if it was
your own father
187
00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:28,740
Rotting in that casket.
188
00:08:28,742 --> 00:08:29,774
Fruit?
189
00:08:32,044 --> 00:08:34,279
- Hey, ma, what's with
these pictures, ma?
190
00:08:34,281 --> 00:08:36,014
Where are alda's heads?
191
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:38,016
- In here,
where they belong.
192
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:41,953
What, you going to use
her heads to coat chicken?
193
00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:43,788
- Do you know what alda
used to do to me?
194
00:08:43,790 --> 00:08:45,924
Huh?
She'd read my diary.
195
00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:48,293
She'd put my dolls
in odd poses.
196
00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:49,694
She'd wear my clothes.
197
00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:51,162
She'd steal
my boyfriends.
198
00:08:51,164 --> 00:08:55,600
- Yeah?
What kind of poses?
199
00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:57,035
- You know what it's like
to grow up with someone
200
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,638
Who's bossy, demanding,
and unreasonable?
201
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:02,140
- Oh, no.
202
00:09:02,142 --> 00:09:03,241
- What's that
supposed to mean?
203
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:05,544
- That's a joke, ma.
204
00:09:05,546 --> 00:09:06,778
I'm making a joke.
205
00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:09,848
- Yeah. Ha, ha.
Very funny stuff, yeah.
206
00:09:09,850 --> 00:09:10,982
You think this is
all a joke, huh?
207
00:09:10,984 --> 00:09:13,318
- No.
208
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,220
- I thought
you understood.
209
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:16,888
- Well, ma, I'm trying.
210
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,156
Look, you're sisters.
211
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:19,591
Family should talk.
212
00:09:19,593 --> 00:09:21,092
- Like you and robert?
213
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:22,794
- We talk.
214
00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:26,131
A lot of that
just goes unspoken.
215
00:09:26,133 --> 00:09:28,233
- You think I should
forgive alda, is that it?
216
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:31,102
- Well, it would make things
a lot easier on you--
217
00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:33,338
And other people
who have eulogies to give.
218
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:35,907
I'm just saying.
219
00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:38,109
- Sure, make things easy
for everybody else.
220
00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:40,245
Does anybody ask me
how I feel? Huh?
221
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:41,913
I'm just a burden.
222
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:44,049
- No, ma, you're not
just a burden.
223
00:09:46,919 --> 00:09:48,286
- I got an idea.
224
00:09:48,288 --> 00:09:49,621
How about I sit
in the dumpster
225
00:09:49,623 --> 00:09:51,256
Behind mr. Balducci's
bake shop?
226
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:52,757
That way I can
shoo the crows away
227
00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,092
From the old cannoli.
- Cannoli.
228
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,827
At least, that way,
then I'd serve
229
00:09:55,829 --> 00:09:57,195
A purpose.
- A purpose.
230
00:09:59,799 --> 00:10:02,233
Ma, you got
lots of purposes.
231
00:10:02,235 --> 00:10:03,735
I know; why don't you
cook dad a steak?
232
00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:05,236
There's a purpose.
233
00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:08,873
Ma--oh, mom, please.
234
00:10:08,875 --> 00:10:10,041
I'm kidding, ma.
235
00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:12,811
Ma, I'm just kidding!
236
00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:13,812
Aw--
237
00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:15,246
[whimpers]
238
00:10:21,988 --> 00:10:24,389
- A nice game-saving
tackle there.
239
00:10:24,391 --> 00:10:26,725
- I haven't seen this--
it looks to me-- yeah, they are.
240
00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:29,728
They're lining up--
- what are you doing?
241
00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:31,730
- I'm--
I'm getting the scores.
242
00:10:31,732 --> 00:10:33,231
- Is that how I raised you?
243
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:34,766
Huh?
244
00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:37,102
People cry,
and you turn on television?
245
00:10:37,104 --> 00:10:39,771
- Ma, I'm waiting
for you to come back.
246
00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:41,706
- You couldn't come after me,
see how I was?
247
00:10:41,708 --> 00:10:44,009
- I thought
you wanted to be alone.
248
00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:45,377
- Why would you
think that, ray?
249
00:10:45,379 --> 00:10:48,213
I ran out of here crying.
250
00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:50,382
- That's the part
that threw me.
251
00:10:53,285 --> 00:10:56,021
Look, ma, aunt alda's
not that bad.
252
00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:59,057
Come on, there's two sides
to every story, right?
253
00:11:02,728 --> 00:11:04,029
- Get out of my house.
254
00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:05,296
- Oh, stop it.
You don't mean that.
255
00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:06,765
- Get out of my house,
raymond.
256
00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:08,033
- Oh, don't be mad
at me now, ma.
257
00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:09,668
I got eulogy problems.
258
00:11:09,670 --> 00:11:11,970
Ma, if you don't forget
about this alda stuff--
259
00:11:13,706 --> 00:11:16,274
Nobody at this funeral's
going to have a good time!
260
00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:27,385
- Oh, look at all the people.
261
00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:29,287
There's too many people.
262
00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:31,089
- Are you still nervous
about the eulogy?
263
00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:32,857
Listen, do you want
to practice on me?
264
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:35,126
- No, no, you should
be surprised
265
00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:36,895
Like the rest of us.
266
00:11:36,897 --> 00:11:38,963
- You didn't finish it?
- How could I?
267
00:11:38,965 --> 00:11:41,433
I got all this trouble
with my mom.
268
00:11:41,435 --> 00:11:43,902
She threw me out of the house.
She's not talking to me.
269
00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:46,438
I know, it sounds
like a dream come true.
270
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:53,344
- Ohh--
look at geoffrey.
271
00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:55,814
Oh, man.
272
00:11:55,816 --> 00:11:58,116
Think anybody
will notice?
273
00:11:58,118 --> 00:12:00,085
- Aaaaahh!
274
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,725
- Bride's side
or groom's side?
275
00:12:15,501 --> 00:12:17,402
I'm lightening the mood.
276
00:12:21,007 --> 00:12:24,776
Just try not to make
that noise you make.
277
00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:28,012
- That noise that
you make at funerals.
278
00:12:28,014 --> 00:12:30,915
- Oh, yeah, I got that
under control. Thanks.
279
00:12:32,885 --> 00:12:34,285
- Oh, look,
your mom's here.
280
00:12:34,287 --> 00:12:35,520
- Oh, god.
She showed up.
281
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:38,757
- Oh, look at
my sweeties. Hi!
282
00:12:38,759 --> 00:12:40,058
- Listen, ma,
283
00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:42,761
I'm glad you changed your mind,
and I'm sorry.
284
00:12:45,064 --> 00:12:47,332
- Great job
talking to your mother.
285
00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:50,135
God forbid
you should give a crap.
286
00:12:52,805 --> 00:12:55,507
- Ooh, I guess marie's
still not cooking.
287
00:12:55,509 --> 00:12:58,009
I'll give him a jar
of strained peas.
288
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:02,280
- Is that my raymond?
289
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:04,048
- Oh, hi, aunt alda.
290
00:13:04,050 --> 00:13:05,550
- Ho, ho, ho!
291
00:13:10,156 --> 00:13:12,023
Ohh, ohh--
292
00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:15,393
It's so good to see
my favorite nephew again.
293
00:13:15,395 --> 00:13:16,528
It's been too long.
294
00:13:16,530 --> 00:13:18,329
- Ohh, it's been
way too long.
295
00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:19,564
Got to go.
296
00:13:20,966 --> 00:13:23,234
- Shame, shame, shame.
297
00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:25,170
- Well, hello, marie.
298
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:26,337
- Look, isn't this nice,
you two?
299
00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:27,939
You're back together.
300
00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:29,207
- You can kiss my son,
301
00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:31,442
But you can't send him
a wedding present?
302
00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:33,812
Your lips should
dry into raisins.
303
00:13:33,814 --> 00:13:36,114
Whoops! Too late.
304
00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:39,117
- Aw, hey, be nice.
305
00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:41,820
- The present will be here
in a couple of years.
306
00:13:41,822 --> 00:13:43,488
I mailed it
from where I sat.
307
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:45,456
- The only reason you're
angry about that table
308
00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:47,826
Is because you weren't
the center of attention.
309
00:13:47,828 --> 00:13:49,828
- Hey, lots of
attention here.
310
00:13:49,830 --> 00:13:52,397
- How could I be
the center of attention
311
00:13:52,399 --> 00:13:54,265
While you're
doing the limbo
312
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:57,068
In a sequin dress
and a push-up bra?
313
00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:58,970
- Oh, hey.
314
00:13:58,972 --> 00:14:03,408
You wouldn't be sitting there
with a sour puss.
315
00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:06,411
- How could you see my sour puss
where I was sitting?
316
00:14:06,413 --> 00:14:08,346
You'd need binoculars.
317
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,014
- Aw, please,
now stop it!
318
00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:12,350
Stop it!
We're at a funeral.
319
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:14,118
- Ray--
320
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:15,353
We're ready for you now.
321
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:17,222
- Oh, god.
Listen, ma, just stop it.
322
00:14:17,224 --> 00:14:19,190
Put it on hold,
all right?
323
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:21,993
This funeral's not about
you two fighting.
324
00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:24,963
It's about me
giving this damn eulogy.
325
00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:26,130
Sit here.
326
00:14:29,001 --> 00:14:30,134
- I like his hair.
327
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:31,603
- His hair
looks terrible.
328
00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:35,106
- Hi.
329
00:14:35,108 --> 00:14:38,343
I'm ray.
330
00:14:38,345 --> 00:14:42,380
Uh, I'm here to talk
about gus petrone.
331
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:44,249
- [braying]
332
00:14:57,329 --> 00:14:58,429
- Thank you.
333
00:15:00,165 --> 00:15:02,233
Uh, did a little--
334
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:05,270
Did a little research
first.
335
00:15:05,272 --> 00:15:06,404
Lots of people don't know
336
00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:11,442
Gus was actually born
gustafavio--pi--
337
00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:13,578
Pica--
338
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:16,014
Pi--ccchhh--
339
00:15:19,051 --> 00:15:20,551
Pichialu.
340
00:15:25,124 --> 00:15:29,193
He was born
January 23, 1902.
341
00:15:29,195 --> 00:15:31,462
That would make him, what?
342
00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:34,399
Aquarius.
343
00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:35,700
Hi.
344
00:15:37,603 --> 00:15:39,070
Okay.
345
00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:41,572
Uh, he was 10 pounds,
6 ounces.
346
00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:43,441
Wow.
347
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:45,476
Now, that's big.
348
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:47,111
Ladies, am I right?
349
00:15:53,018 --> 00:15:55,486
Well--later,
350
00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:59,357
Gus bought carpet world
over in manhasset.
351
00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:04,395
I remember it was open
10:00 to 6:00 sundays.
352
00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:05,697
Yeah.
353
00:16:07,499 --> 00:16:08,666
He was great.
354
00:16:13,372 --> 00:16:16,407
In 1992, gus
was forced to retire
355
00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:20,144
After a bad break
with his prostate.
356
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:22,013
[sighing]
357
00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:23,247
Aw, this is incred--
358
00:16:23,249 --> 00:16:24,248
I can't take this anymore.
359
00:16:24,250 --> 00:16:27,218
This is crazy.
360
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:29,020
Listen.
361
00:16:29,022 --> 00:16:32,090
You know what I remember
about gus?
362
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:34,993
How much he cared
about family.
363
00:16:34,995 --> 00:16:37,161
Yeah, yeah.
364
00:16:37,163 --> 00:16:37,762
Yeah, he didn't let
the little things
365
00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:43,534
'cause he knew what was
most important in life: Family.
366
00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:45,036
People who love you,
367
00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:48,139
No matter how stupid
you're acting.
368
00:16:49,775 --> 00:16:53,511
You know, 'cause one day
we're all going to be gus here.
369
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:58,249
With all the grudges
and the petty little things
370
00:16:58,251 --> 00:17:00,785
That don't matter at all?
371
00:17:03,255 --> 00:17:05,156
Gus didn't let that
happen to him.
372
00:17:07,626 --> 00:17:10,094
That's why
we're all here today.
373
00:17:14,299 --> 00:17:17,301
That's it.
That's all.
374
00:17:17,303 --> 00:17:23,307
[applause]
375
00:17:26,278 --> 00:17:27,779
Sorry about the yelling.
376
00:17:30,149 --> 00:17:32,583
- Raymond,
that was beautiful:
377
00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:34,118
Simple and touching.
378
00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:36,054
- It was
more than beautiful.
379
00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:38,756
It was--
extremely beautiful.
380
00:17:38,758 --> 00:17:41,225
- What is your
problem, marie?
381
00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:44,495
I can't even say a word
without you topping me.
382
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:46,831
- I can't help it.
You're easily topped.
383
00:17:48,534 --> 00:17:50,334
- You're a bitter woman,
marie.
384
00:17:50,336 --> 00:17:52,670
You're a bitter,
bleached-blonde woman.
385
00:17:52,672 --> 00:17:55,306
- Ohh!
386
00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:58,443
You're just jealous
of human hair.
387
00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:05,149
About where I sat at a wedding
seven years ago.
388
00:18:05,151 --> 00:18:07,452
- I was so far away!
389
00:18:07,454 --> 00:18:10,455
I am still waiting
for my cake.
390
00:18:11,657 --> 00:18:14,292
- That lousy cake was stale.
- Yeah.
391
00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:17,395
- Stale?
You took two pieces home.
392
00:18:17,397 --> 00:18:19,864
- Because you didn't
invite my kids.
393
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:25,736
- Who else got cold veal?
All: Yeah.
394
00:18:25,738 --> 00:18:28,239
- And the portions
were so small.
395
00:18:28,241 --> 00:18:29,707
- Frank!
All: Yeah.
396
00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:32,176
- Cook me something,
will you?
397
00:18:32,178 --> 00:18:33,711
- And the band stank, marie.
398
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:35,246
- Okay, yeah.
399
00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:36,814
And what about
those cheap centerpieces?
400
00:18:36,816 --> 00:18:39,350
And the champagne was flat.
401
00:18:39,352 --> 00:18:42,453
- All right! Stop it!
All right! All right!
402
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:43,821
Stop!
403
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:46,157
- [braying]
404
00:18:59,471 --> 00:19:02,306
- All right,
you and you.
405
00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:05,409
Let's go.
Now! Now!
406
00:19:07,713 --> 00:19:08,779
- Well, what is it, ray?
407
00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:11,215
- What is it?
Oh, what is it?
408
00:19:11,217 --> 00:19:13,184
Come here and sit down.
Sit down.
409
00:19:13,186 --> 00:19:16,554
Both of you,
come here and sit down.
410
00:19:16,556 --> 00:19:18,256
Didn't you hear
what I said in there?
411
00:19:18,258 --> 00:19:19,423
- You mean the eulogy?
412
00:19:19,425 --> 00:19:21,559
- Yes!
413
00:19:21,561 --> 00:19:25,163
- You know how I mentioned
it was extremely beautiful?
414
00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:28,399
That wasn't
entirely true.
415
00:19:28,401 --> 00:19:30,935
- Ma, you want to be
in that box, dead,
416
00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:32,737
Without ever making up
with aunt alda?
417
00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:35,306
- How come I'm in the box
and not her?
418
00:19:35,308 --> 00:19:36,841
- Answer!
419
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:38,776
- Ohh--I don't know.
420
00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:40,611
- Aunt alda?
421
00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:45,616
- Thank you for not putting
me in the box, dear.
422
00:19:45,618 --> 00:19:47,952
- Come on, so you never
want to make up with mom?
423
00:19:49,821 --> 00:19:51,589
- Well, I guess--
424
00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:53,691
Oh, I don't know.
425
00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:55,459
- Beautiful, two "I don't
knows;" that's progress.
426
00:19:55,461 --> 00:19:58,229
So you like--you like
being this way?
427
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,869
- I--always thought
there was time.
428
00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:06,804
- How much time is there?
429
00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:10,608
This is the time, now.
430
00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:12,410
Now is the time.
431
00:20:14,479 --> 00:20:15,846
Do it.
432
00:20:35,834 --> 00:20:37,568
- I'm sorry, marie.
433
00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:39,837
- It was my fault.
434
00:20:47,946 --> 00:20:49,914
- Seven years.
435
00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:52,283
- All that time wasted.
436
00:20:52,285 --> 00:20:54,418
So much has happened.
437
00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:56,354
- Oh, my god.
They made up?
438
00:20:56,356 --> 00:20:57,355
- Yeah.
439
00:20:57,357 --> 00:20:58,856
- You did this?
440
00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:02,393
- I can--do things.
441
00:21:02,395 --> 00:21:04,495
- I had menopause.
442
00:21:04,497 --> 00:21:06,497
- Me too.
443
00:21:06,499 --> 00:21:10,401
- First a beautiful
speech, now this--
444
00:21:10,403 --> 00:21:13,938
Ray, I am completely
turned on.
445
00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:16,641
- Oh, sure, at a funeral.
446
00:21:18,477 --> 00:21:20,011
- Hi.
447
00:21:20,013 --> 00:21:22,580
- Oh, how are you
doing, dear?
448
00:21:22,582 --> 00:21:26,584
- Well, I'm good
if you guys are good.
449
00:21:26,586 --> 00:21:28,786
- Oh, thanks to raymond,
I've got my sister back.
450
00:21:28,788 --> 00:21:30,821
What's not good?
451
00:21:30,823 --> 00:21:33,991
- Well, gus is dead.
452
00:21:33,993 --> 00:21:36,961
- There is that.
453
00:21:36,963 --> 00:21:40,398
- Well, as long as
everybody is making up,
454
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:41,866
I forgive you too,
aunt alda.
455
00:21:41,868 --> 00:21:44,935
- For what, dear?
456
00:21:44,937 --> 00:21:46,837
- You know, the wedding.
457
00:21:46,839 --> 00:21:48,472
- What do you mean, dear?
458
00:21:48,474 --> 00:21:50,608
- Oh, debra, debra--
459
00:21:50,610 --> 00:21:52,743
- Well, all those complaints
about where you were seated
460
00:21:52,745 --> 00:21:55,680
And nobody dancing,
everybody going home early.
461
00:21:55,682 --> 00:22:00,518
- Oh, that was because
of the cheap food.
462
00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:03,087
- You never even
sent a gift.
463
00:22:03,089 --> 00:22:06,490
- My gift was
that I came at all.
464
00:22:06,492 --> 00:22:09,093
- What kind of a horse's ass
gift is that?
465
00:22:11,463 --> 00:22:13,798
- You'd be lucky to have
a horse's ass!
466
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:15,599
- Ohh!
467
00:22:15,601 --> 00:22:18,069
- Oh, raymond,
see what she's doing?
468
00:22:18,071 --> 00:22:19,537
No, you see, you've
been doing that--
469
00:22:19,539 --> 00:22:22,073
Seven years?
It'll be 70 years!
470
00:22:25,844 --> 00:22:27,812
- Some funeral, huh?
471
00:22:27,814 --> 00:22:28,879
- Yeah.
472
00:22:29,881 --> 00:22:31,949
- Sad.
- Hmm.
473
00:22:31,951 --> 00:22:33,417
- You want to do it?
474
00:22:33,419 --> 00:22:34,352
- Tsk.
475
00:22:40,525 --> 00:22:42,460
I might.
31957
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