Original subtitles

Whoever impresses me most

will be named employee of the month.

Imagine having a cv.

I just wanted to better meself.

Broaden my horizons. And this was gonna be it.

You need to freshen up, my love.

Why don't you go take a dip in the sea?

My name is Dominic rook.

My job is to maintain the illusion that man is alone.

Frith: Your department is to be dissolved,

its responsibilities handed to special branch.

Then god help us all.

Still feeling the benefits of that lovely little Ridge of high pressure.

And, oh, do my eyes deceive me? Sunshine?

37 degrees? I'll take it.

Time to dust off that bikini and hit the beach.

And Larry Chrysler will see you there.

And we're out.

Sorry, what the galloping balls was that?

I'm not stupid. I know exactly what's going on here.

You only have so many "poor performances"

before it starts to look a lot like sabotage.

- It was fine, Larry. - No, Trevor, that was a shambles.

The only thing that saved that sorry sack of shit was my bikini line.

The line I said. Not...

Look...

I'm watching. Don't you worry. I'm watching.

- Woman: Not the point. - No, love, that is very much the point.

Nicolas cage does not use that particular model of jacuzzi.

Woman: Well, Mr. Cage has purchased several hot tubs...

Yes, he may use your brand of jacuzzis,

but that's not an after-dinner anecdote I can use.

I bought your product for one purpose and one purpose only -

to point at and say, "that is the exact jacuzzi

"owned by Hollywood film star Nicolas cage."

Look, love, no offense, but is there a man there I can talk to?

- Woman: Er, unfortunately... - Shit. Hang on.

- There's nobody else available. - Hang on.

Woman: Mr. Chrysler? Hello?

Woman: Mr. Chrysler, are you still there? Hello?

Is everything okay?

- Mr. Chrysler? - Can I call you back?

Tom: I've been here just as long as you. I don't know why they made you manager

- and not me. - It's acting manager.

And I have no idea, Tom. I wasn't privy to the deliberations.

There, that. It's 'cause you say "privy" and you don't even mean the bogs.

It's just a title, Tom. It doesn't change a thing.

Will you please stop that? It's unsanitary.

I know. So what happened to that patsy bird anyway?

Did she just walk out?

She was rather highly strung.

Clearly, the pressure got too much for her.

But I'm sure she'll be back soon

and we can return to our original roles and responsibilities.

Yeah, but until then, it's gonna be all,

"Tom, can you help out on reception?

"Tom, Mrs. Smith left her key in her room. Can you let her in?"

You do know those are your actual jobs anyway?

'Cause I won't put up with it, hal!

And for starters, it's a full moon tonight, so I'm having the night off.

I'm just gonna walk out, go home.

And what are you gonna do about it, eh?

You can't.

- Unbelievable. - No, I mean, I knew that,

so I scheduled you the night off.

Did you hear that, then? Did you hear it? And so it begins.

Werewolf.

Testes, one, two. Testes, one, two.

Little bit bassy, but we can live with it.

So, what are the lighting choices? What have we got to play with?

- On. - Okay.

- And off. - Okay.

Let's go with "on".

Larry: The hotel door closed behind me, didn't have a key.

Locked out in the corridors of the Dorchester, London.

Not quite full monty. Calm down, ladies.

Larry: Still had on my dressing gown over a pair of pants.

But it took me 25 minutes to get another key.

Hilarious.

I'm reminded of the time I met my wonderful wife,

winner of miss avon and somerset, 1992, '94.

Larry: All the same person. Don't worry, I'm not a mormon.

Double the nagging. Who needs it?

We met at a wild party after children in need.

When we met there were certainly sparks,

because I reversed my BMW 6 series into her Renault clio.

Our bumpers kissed and then our mouths kissed.

That was great.

I spotted you as soon as you walked in. Did you spot me?

I can't say I did, but I can certainly see you now.

So, where do you change?

Uh, in the dressing room.

Sorry, I'm a little bit busy right now.

That's a iovelyjacket. My name's Tom.

Your name's Larry, I've seen it on your sign.

Well done. So, what do you want?

Money? A date? An autograph? What?

- I'll have the last one, if it's okay? - And there it is.

- Who do I make it out to? - Uh, Tom mcnair?

M, small c, big n, and then "air". Like "air".

There you go. So, what next?

I'm guessing straight on eBay. Because I'll check.

I always check.

I think it's great that you're famous. I didn't know we could be famous.

I can't get over it.

Man: A response from the secretary of state.

Frith: Placing value uppermost

does exactly what it says on the tin.

This isn't about cuts.

This is about identifying those departments

that simply aren't pulling their weight and reallocating...

Departments within the civil service.

The placing...

Hal's got a girlfriend.

I have not got a girlfriend.

He's visiting a girl.

And judging from that getup, she's got a very good sense of humor.

Lady Mary is simply an acquaintance, nothing more.

Wow.

An acquaintance with the lady Mary? That's prison slang, surely?

No hanging around with fangs, hal. Them's the rules.

Please don't call us that.

Lady Mary is not a vampire. She is a ghost, who died some years ago.

Wait a minute.

You know a ghost, another female ghost, and what, you didn't tell me?

Because I knew there was no point. You really wouldn't get on.

Oh. Well, I think that's for me and my new best mate Mary to decide, don't you?

Absolutely not.

Lady Mary is a shy,

fragile creature, with an innocence I am determined to protect.

What, you think I would corrupt her?

I think you'd corrupt Keith Richards. So, if you don't mind?

Told you. Girlfriend.

It is a pleasure to receive you, as always, lord Harry.

Since your last visit, we have gained several invigorating new exhibits

including an enchanting selection of pottery from the colonies.

Wonderful. I shall look foward to perusing them in due course.

Boo!

His face. Shut you right up.

Alex. How's it going?

Ooh! Hold that thought!

I thought we decided you were staying at home?

Oh, you decided I was staying at home, but I decided to ignore you.

Oh, come on, hal, stop being all "hal" about this.

I've got no one to talk to about ghost stuff.

And I swear, I won't swear.

Lady Mary.

Allow me to introduce Alex, a new ghost of my acquaintance.

I see. And I take it you two are, um...

I'm not sure what the modern parlance is.

What, shagging?

- God, no. Are you serious? No way. - Nothing of the sort. I assure you.

- Friends and nothing more. - I mean, he irons his socks...

In fact, we share our abode with a lycanthrope.

That is one crazy big dress, isn't it?

Still, I suppose it saves you shaving your legs, right?

You got any guillotines or stuff?

Oh, is there a dungeon in here?

Oh! My god, this place is so cool.

Lady Mary, I offer my sincerest apologies.

Not at all. No. She has, um,

a boisterous charm that has awoken the teacher in me.

I almost wish my finishing school were still open.

I fear she is beyond the help of even your prodigious talents.

- Then I accept your wager. - My what?

The carving really is quite exquisite.

In addition, we have gained a new ivory comb and a Moroccan footstool.

- No, seriously, what? - Mistress Alex,

I feel we have so much to learn from one another, though we've hardly conversed.

Yeah, totally.

And as it seems that lord Harry has other urgent business to attend to,

it appears we shall have that chance.

What?

Yes.

I have business, urgent business, to go and do.

But it is my fervent hope that you will both become better acquainted.

A sentiment I echo, lord Harry.

Lady Mary.

God,

haunting a stately home. Shit, that must be brilliant.

I mean, sorry, not "shit". Um, "bums"?

You all right?

Yes. I am curious, lord Harry, has he...

- Oh, yeah, yeah. He's gone. - Oh, thank fuck for that.

- What? - God I

it's just such hard work keeping it up, you know?

All that "thee" and "thou" bollocks.

It gets on my tits.

You're not...

- You're not posh? - Oh. Let's get out of here.

This place bored me to frigging tears even when I was alive.

But now I have a playmate.

Come on, let's go, have some fun.

- Mr. Chrysler. - I missed the fried breakfast,

so technically, I'm just taking what's due to me.

I was under the impression that you were leaving us today. However...

I don't know where you got that idea from.

My management company specifically stated

that there was one week's full stay included in the rider.

Well, whoever's error it is, it's very unfortunate.

Going out tonight, Mr. Chrysler?

Maybe.

Be sure to vacate your room by tomorrow morning.

Well, that's fine. Be good to get back on the road.

Put some miles on the clock.

Hotel living can be a little bit soulless.

You know what I mean?

Thanks again.

So you put it all on, just for hal?

Mmm-mmm. It wasn't always an act.

When he first started visiting me, I actually was that curtseying fuckwit.

So, you and hal, what's the deal?

I told you. We're just mates.

I mean, we kind of had a date once, but it didn't go too well.

I laddered my tights on the way there, then I had to run back and get changed,

and then I got killed by a vampire.

Shit the bed. So, you kind of had a thing,

you got killed, and now you and hal live together?

- Yeah. - Mmm-hmm.

Oh, fuck off.

Kind of had a thing. Mates.

What is he like? Hmm?

Shit.

Okay, so, apparently, she is secretly shagging him,

but he's the boyfriend of her.

You can read their minds?

Isn't that a bit like reading someone's diary?

It's brilliant, isn't it?

So it's fair to say that you've changed over the years?

Mmm. Doesn't everyone? I mean I read. I watch TV.

I keep up with the world. It just looks a bit bloody weird

'cause I'm dressed like a cake decoration.

She knows! And she's one bacardi breezer away from twatting her.

Oops.

Fucking bitch!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

- Mr. Chrysler. - What?

It's you again. All right?

You off to go and drag your chicken around in a circle?

Excuse me?

- I've got a cellar. - Awesome.

Well, she's faking it, and he's thinking about his ex.

But he's almost there.

Come on. You're gonna miss it. He's not exactly a long-distance runner.

Yeah, you know what? I think I'm... I'm just gonna pass.

Suit yourself. Oh, god, here we go.

Man: Oh, yes!

I've got my own cellar now. A lot less faff.

Yeah, the cellar.

You're very pleased with your cellar, aren't you?

Look at the state of you.

No offense. But I know the signs.

Woke up in the woods, then, yeah?

Yeah, bit of a crazy night last night, actually.

Some of the people from the show dragged me out to a club,

and had absolute carnage. Had about four pints.

Then a casino. Fell in with a stag do, and...

Nice lads, but I lost a bet, so here we are. Oh.

- I think I can hear my pager. - It's all right, you know.

- What do you mean? - I'm a werewolf, too.

Suppose it's understandable,

if you've never met any other werewolves,

how would you know how to spot them? Us.

I can't stop thinking about your talk.

All the things that you've done and bought.

I was just wondering if you had any, like,

you know, like, pointers for me?

I'm a werewolf too, but I've never lived anywhere posh, like you.

I live in a house now, but I ain't got it all to myself.

I have share it with a couple of friends.

I used to live in a Van in the woods with my dad.

We'd move about, and keep a low profile,

and, well, just live off the land, really.

What did you say?

I used to live in a Van in the woods with my dad.

- Before that. - Erm...

I'm a werewolf, but I've never lived anywhere posh, like you.

After that. You said something about living in a house with people.

- Yeah. - Do they know what you are?

Yeah. Totally.

And they don't mind?

Well, they've got their own things going on.

So, you want to know about the secret of my success?

Yeah.

Half of me thinks it's impossible.

Half of me thinks it would be selfish not to pass on my wisdom.

And yet,

the other halfjust wants to throw caution to the wind.

- That's three halves. - Oh, you're good.

Real good.

So, this house of yours. How big is it, exactly?

We need to talk about Mary.

I did say you'd find her a little dull.

"Dull" is not the word that I would use.

Erm...

"Crazy sordid batshit shocking" is more the flavor.

I'm sorry, is this some new youth slang for "boring"? I do try to keep up.

Mary is not who you think she is, hal.

The whole "posh totty" thing, it's just an act.

Why on earth would she do that?

I don't know and I don't care.

But what I'm worried about is the fact that she's been stuck here

for 200 years and it's turned her into a total frothing loon.

- Is that what's gonna happen to me? - Look...

Even if you don't pass over for... A while,

I'm sure you'd cope with it admirably.

You and Mary are completely different people, after all.

Had a thing with you. Got killed.

Stuck here as a ghost, but mates now.

Does that ring any bells?

- You all right, Tom? - I'm fine. Are you?

Ooh. Is that somebody at the door?

- Tom, my young apprentice. - Larry, come on in, mate.

Alex, hal, this is Larry, the werewolf from the talk.

Greetings, Larry Chrysler.

- Hi. - Very nice.

The room. Love the place.

Buffet monitor.

Good to see you again.

Larry's gonna teach me how to become a successful werewolf.

How do you feel about that, hal?

- Good for you, Tom. - Yeah, it is good for me, Tom.

So, am I to take it you're both werewolves as well?

- No. I'm a vampire. - And I'm a ghost.

Very good. I see what you're doing there.

Using humor to break the ice. Great stuff.

So I see you've brought a suitcase.

Yeah, well, my tutoring can be quite time-intensive.

We thought, rather than a lot of coming and going,

I'd just stay here for a while.

Uh, yeah.

Larry's gonna stay here for a while, to train me.

Great.

- The more the merrier! - You're not the boss of me here, hal.

- I can do what I like. - Yes, I know, I said it was great.

Great to meet you both.

- I didn't know you wanted to stay. - I thought we discussed it, hadn't we?

Sure we did. We were thinking it, anyway.

Because of the training?

Yeah. Yeah, the training. Lots of it.

Great stuff.

When do we start? Like, is there a manual or summat?

Yes, of course there is. A vital component of the program.

Now, er, this is the most important book you'll ever own.

Er, truly got me where I am today.

This book is now your Bible. I want you to live it,

breathe it, sleep with it... Under your pillow.

I'm just saying it's a good book.

Oh, wow. Thanks, Larry.

You say your dad taught you a few things?

Yeah, um, only steal from big shops, there's good eating on rabbit,

and underpants inside out buys you an extra week.

Essential life lessons.

Anything about becoming a success? Making something of yourself?

Nah, not really.

It were more about whittling and not starving to death.

He were amazing, though, my dad.

We were hardly ever out of each other's sight.

He protected me from the world.

A bit too much, maybe.

I don't know, I just want to make him proud.

And I get dead frustrated when I can't, and I get things wrong and that.

Tom, open that door.

Did you see him go?

Old Tom, failure Tom, he's left the building.

Oh, right. See ya!

No, no, Tom. Shun him. Shun him.

Shun him.

Now,

let's get down to basics. Clothes maketh the man.

How would you like this suit, Tom?

To keep? You'd just give me your suit?

It's important, vitally important to make a good first impression.

And this little baby has done wonders for me.

Oh, cheers, Larry. Giving me all this stuff.

I feel as though I should give you summat in return.

No. Not necessary, seriously.

Having said that, there is one thing you could help me with.

Yeah, anything.

Well, obviously, I need to buy a new suit now.

Um, and I've got a bit of a cash flow issue over the next few days. So...

I'm transferring money between banks. You know how it is.

But if you could, maybe, lend me, say, £150?

- I've got some savings. - Actually, forget it.

I'm embarrassed for even asking.

I'll think of something, don't worry.

I don't know what exactly, but something will turn up.

I'll help you out, Larry.

But it's just a loan, though, yeah? For a few days?

Absolutely. Absol-Larry-lutely.

Yeah.

- Tom? - Hello, hal.

I've just come to congratulate you on your new position of manager.

Thank you, Tom.

That Larry's suit?

You're not the only one who can wear a suit, hally.

I got this printed off at the library.

- Tom mcnair incorporated? - Yep.

I think you're supposed to put something else on there,

like a phone number or an email.

I'll call you. Yeah, there's a new player in town.

And he's got the skills and the looks

and the motivation and the skills.

He's got the whole package.

Quite.

Everything okay with your breakfast there, madam?

Everything okay? How's things, all right?

Ange. Ange. Ange.

Tom: They were really impressed.

I did the power handshake, gave him my card, um, interrupted him.

I mean, that's three of the ingredients for success pie right there, innit?

Success pie?

Yeah, the book. Chapter four, success pie.

Oh, the book. Of course.

Now, your next life lesson. Take this,

and go and put the windscreen through on that BMW over there.

Whose car is it?

Let's say it's your competitor,

who has stolen your assets and voted you off the board.

Yeah, but whose car is it, really?

Mine.

Stolen by my bitch of an ex-wife.

Who is currently spending my money, tanning herself in that spa,

so she can look even more like the leather handbag, which I bought.

Ha! The irony. Makes me wanna puke.

Your ex-wife?

- Miss thingy '92 and '94? - One and the same.

Although 1992 was a long time ago, as one look at her will plainly tell you.

I don't think I can do this.

I thought you wanted to learn how to climb the mountain of success?

Yeah, but I don't think smashing a windscreen

is gonna help me climb the mountain of success,

- or eat success pie, is it? - Tom,

sometimes you have to do regrettable things to get to the top.

And when you do, your old dad will be looking down and smiling.

Not if I do this, he won't.

Maybe you're right. I'm pushing you too quickly.

Just go and let her tires down and we'll say no more about it.

Go on.

All of them.

Mary: It's simple, really. I go off and have adventures

and just make sure I'm back here

in time for all the "prithee, lord Harry" bullshit.

Why? That's what I don't understand.

And what about your unfinished business?

Oh, that's all sorted. Something about library books.

No, I've had loads of doors appear. I just turn them down.

What? Why?

Hal. He needs me.

I know he's got you, and there's been Pearl and Annie,

and those are just the ones I can remember, but...

Me and hal have something special.

Something no one else could ever understand.

Which is?

I keep him clean.

Seeing me once a year stops him from killing.

And has kept him from killing for more than two centuries.

- What do you mean? - I was his last victim.

- Is that what he told you? - Yes.

You know what? It's not my business.

But I...

Mmm! ...Just really don't think that all these lies are that healthy.

Just tell him who you really are.

What if he doesn't want the new me?

Sometimes, when he looks at me, it's like...

It's just on the tip of his tongue.

Yeah, you two really need to have a talk.

No. No, no, no, no.

I'm not ready.

Okay, listen, um,

you've shown me your world. How about I show you mine?

You know, come see my gaff.

Okay.

Cheers.

Larry.

- Might I have a quick word? - Shoot.

I was just wondering how Tom's lessons were progressing?

Yeah, very...

We're at a delicate stage. We're breaking down barriers.

- To replace them with? - Bridges. Castles.

Affordable housing.

Actually, there's something I've been meaning to ask you.

- Did you ever meet Tom's father? - No, I never had that pleasure.

But I'm right in thinking they kept him away from people,

and that Tom was home-schooled?

That was my understanding.

Although, I don't think mcnair's lessons were exactly conventional.

You must take some of the credit, of course,

for helping Tom adjust to society.

Tom's been very resourceful in that area.

Sorry, are you saying you haven't taught him anything?

I mean, you're obviously a man of breeding and intelligence,

whereas Tom was almost literally raised by wolves.

That's something of a sweeping statement.

And yet you felt no compulsion to pass on any of your...

Huh, fine. Not really my place.

Unbelievable.

I suppose the greatest test of a teacher's work

is whether the student thrives without them.

It'll be interesting

to see Tom implement all the things you've taught him...

Once you've gone.

Once all of this is over.

It's a big house,

but not that big.

How odd you must find our little setup here.

How domesticated.

Perhaps we are a little rigid, but that structure seems to work for us.

And we'll do all we can to protect it.

I'll bear that in mind.

Rook: My situation is not unique, and I appreciate that.

People lose their jobs every day.

When that happens, no doubt

other aspects of their life expand to fill the void.

The problem with my life is,

there's nothing else there to expand.

I don't have a family.

I don't have any hobbies.

The job was my life.

Now that's gone.

So I find myself at something of a loose end.

Woman: What was it that you did? Your job?

Oh, civil service. Very dull.

Well, that's what I always said.

But it's something of a lie.

My job was covert and dangerous,

and required me to commit acts that will haunt me until the day I die.

All in the name of holding back the tide.

And if we simply step aside now,

and allow that tide to wash over the world,

then all my sacrifice has been for nothing.

All those deaths have been for nothing.

Do you understand?

Woman: Would you like me to tell you what I'm wearing?

Why not? Why not?

Don't have to keep the suit on all the time.

What happens if an exciting business opportunity arose

and I'd taken it off? Look a bit stupid then, wouldn't I?

Tom.

I need to talk to you about Larry.

I don't think he's quite the success he's led us to believe.

I wanted to know why we hadn't seen him on the television.

So I did a search, a Google,

and it turns out he was sacked.

- Six months ago. - You really can't stand it, can you?

Can't stand to see me winning.

Tom, this isn't winning.

I've been thinking. What if I made you assistant manager?

I don't want to be just your assistant. I want your job!

Something tells me, now that Larry's given me the skills that I need,

you're worried that I mightjust get it.

Larry is a charlatan and a failure.

He's not. He's a business guru and a motivated speaker.

He's been filling your head with utter nonsense.

Tom, these attitudes

he's encouraging,

they're shallow, they're aggressive...

All right, okay, all right.

Maybe he's not a very nice guy.

Maybe that's the truth. But you know what?

I don't care.

'Cause nice guys finish last, hal.

And I'm tired of finishing last.

Because when you're there, you get to the finishing line,

you find that the pie's already gone,

'cause some bugger like you has already ate it.

The success pie.

Which is where they keep it.

The finishing line, on top of success mountain...

I don't really know how it works.

You don't have to stoop to his level.

Maybe I do, hal.

Because I'm sure of one thing,

mcnair would've wanted more for me than this.

And I'm letting him down.

Every day I'm letting him down.

And maybe this is a way I can make him proud of me.

Welcome to our humble abode.

It used to be a cheesy b&b, but I swear you would never know.

Mmm-hmm. Don't sweat it.

Over the years I've seen some right sh...

Shining examples of edwardian architecture.

Oh, Tom's here.

I thought you'd be at work.

Um, I didn't know we were expecting company. You should have said.

Mary, this is Tom. And Larry,

Tom's werewolf friend stroke lifestyle coach.

Guilty as charged.

You must have died a long time ago, dressed like that.

I believe that questions as to a lady's age

are considered inappropriate, even in this barbaric age.

I'm loving that whole downton Abbey thing you've got going on there.

Pretty sexy. Say something else.

So might I take it you're Thomas' father?

- I'm not that bloody old. - I apologize for any offense caused.

- Lady Mary? - Lord Harry.

You are no longer in your home, you are outside?

Indeed. Mistress Alexandra persuaded me to take a quiet constitutional.

Um, we were just about to have some dinner.

Would you like to join us?

Alex: So, 250 years.

Man. Phew.

That's a long time to stay on the straight and narrow.

What's your secret, hal?

Are my ears burning?

- So ghosts really can't eat? - No. We can't. It's tragic.

Anyway, hal, 250 years without blood.

- That's quite an achievement. - Larry: So, what else can't you do?

I'm right in saying that you can't take your clothes off, aren't I?

So, does that also mean you can't, you know, have a bath?

No. It's a real shame. Anyway, hal, Mary, blood, discuss.

It is unfortunately very true.

Yet, even though I've been dead for over 200 years,

I am sure that I bathe more regularly than some people I could think of.

I prefer showers.

You're just sitting in your own muck in a bath.

Oh, forget the baths, it's the shagging I miss.

I think I need to go.

So I see the footsie's gone up. Crazy!

Real pity. Real waste.

Pretty girl like you.

That you'll never again know the love of a man.

Do you want to stay a man? Do you?

- Just nod. - Alex?

Okay. Then you don't talk to me.

You don't look at me. You don't even think of me again.

Because if you do, I will cut your nutsack off in the night.

Oh, and mention one word of this to hal...

I just gotta catch up on some work.

What have you done?

You've broken Mary.

I told you. She only puts it on because she thinks that you need it.

That's insane. Why would I need her to do such a thing?

Because, somehow, she has this crazy idea

that she was your last ever victim.

- You haven't told her, have you? - No, I haven't.

But how the hell could you let her think that for so long?

It's not exactly an easy topic to raise.

Hal, she is turning down doors

because she thinks that's keeping you clean.

- You have to tell her. - I can't.

It would destroy her. She's far too fragile.

Hal, does she look fragile?

- Your mate's a nutter. - Yeah, well, yours is an arsehole.

And a letch and a bullshitter.

- He's got a jacuzzi. - Oh, stuff his jacuzzi.

Seriously, Tom, what are you even doing with that guy?

Learning how to be like him.

Larry? You all right, mate?

Absolutely fine. What's on your mind there, Tom Tom?

Bit weird down there with Mary, wasn't it?

Oh, that. Yeah, to be honest, I'd forgotten all about that.

It's all part of the game, Tom. All part of the game.

- Your hand's bleeding. - Anything else?

When are you gonna be back on the telly?

I'd really like hal to see you in action.

Ah, well, if you must know,

I'm taking some leave to pursue other opportunities.

But I'll be back on again in a couple of weeks,

straight after the six o'clock news.

Um, I was thinking that,

maybe tomorrow we could go round to your house,

do some training or go for a swim in the jacuzzi or summat?

Uh, sorry, but the old pile now belongs to my charming ex-wife.

We can certainly go round there and put some windows through,

- if you're up for it? - No, thanks.

So you ain't got a house no more, no?

Come on, Tom. House? Job? Wife? Shackles by any other name.

Who needs 'em, really? Ha!

Hal was right, wasn't he?

It's all just made-up. All just stories.

What? I wouldn't go listening to hal.

Look up "loser" in the dictionary, there's a picture of him.

Or a drawing. I don't quite know how it works, but...

You've been sleeping in your car, ain't ya?

I've done enough dossing to know the signs.

He's really got to you, hasn't he?

Gotta say, I'm disappointed.

Stop it now, Larry. It ain't working no more, mate.

Were you ever a success, or was it all just lies?

Look, if I ever lied to you, it was only to protect you.

I did have it all, once upon a time.

Then the werewolf came, gobbled it all up.

How? How did it gobble it all up? What does that even mean?

You were turned as a baby, weren't you?

You've never known anything else.

You don't know how the wolf changes you.

You see, it's not just one night a month.

It's every day, every hour.

No, it's not. Most of the time we're normal.

How would you know? You've never seen yourself without it.

I know it changed me.

I've got instincts now, which I never had before.

New drives. Aggression.

Lust. That's how it started.

I cheated on my wife.

Piece by piece, the wolf took it all away.

The houses, the job, the money.

Well, iain't like that. I'm nothing like that.

What, no aggression? How many vampires have you killed?

Or maybe the wolf is holding you back in other ways.

How would you know? Maybe there's a smart, successful Tom inside

that has all the answers.

Who, sadly, we'll never meet.

Yeah, but... you gave me the book. You said if! Learned it...

I've never even read that book.

I don't think any of us stands a chance against the wolf.

Because it always wins.

For us, this is as good as it gets.

Mary: Ah, I shouldn't have come back.

You and hal need to talk about this.

But he doesn't even know me anymore.

So introduce yourself.

And I like action films.

Um, John woo, Jackie chan,

and the music of metallica.

I watch cage fighting.

I shoplift. Quite a lot.

And I push people over sometimes, if I don't like their shoes.

Or their faces.

Suppose this must all be a bit of a headfuck.

That's certainly one way of putting it.

Well, actually, Mary,

hal has a little secret that he wants to tell you.

Really?

What's that then, hal?

Alex has been telling me that you have been turning down doors,

thinking that your presence here has been keeping me from killing.

I'm sorry to break this to you, Mary, but that simply isn't true.

You have been a loyal and close friend.

But you weren't my last victim.

You are...

Shitting me.

Many times, I tried to raise

- the courage to tell you. - You had centuries of lying.

Centuries of bowing and fawning, and babbling about the fucking weather.

Centuries of knowing how I felt about you.

Centuries of letting me think you felt the same.

And I did. Perhaps not in that way.

But I'm totally clean now.

It must be over 50 years since I last killed

- a human for blood. - Oh, well, that's okay, then.

'Cause that only makes me an idiot for what, 200 years?

And you knew? Wow.

You covered for this tosser?

But now, you're...

You're free.

- You're free to pass over. - Well, thank you.

Thank you very much. You've really solved my life.

You utter wanker.

I'm not gonna lie, that could have gone better.

250 years I've been visiting her.

Five minutes with you,

and she's threatening to castrate people and accusing me of onanism.

Accusing you of what?

Masturbation.

This whole business, it really makes me doubt you.

Am I just the latest in a long line of dead girls who...

Who you lean on, and who trust you and who you lie to?

Sorry, couldn't help overhearing.

I was just down there looking for something,

for 10 minutes.

- Why are you dressed like that? - I'm only saving the day,

covering Tom's shift.

I used to do bar work back in the old student days.

- Where is Tom? - Yeah, a little bit awkward, that.

- Erm... I think he's left. - Left what? The job?

No, the house.

He said something about not working out trying to be human,

and then he packed a bag and left.

Maybe it's for the best.

Like you said yourself, hal, it was getting a little bit cramped.

Oh, yeah, it's all coming back to me now.

I will pay for that, obviously.

- Tom, are you in there? - Tom: No.

How did you know I was here?

We know how much mcnair meant to you, Tom.

His grave seemed a good bet.

How are the funds going, Tom?

Alex: For his gravestone?

I've changed my mind. I don't want a gravestone.

I've spent the money. It's gone.

- Tom, did Larry take all the money? - He was a surveyor.

Mcnair. Did you know that? Before he got bit.

He never told me, I had to find it out.

He was a success.

And then he turned into a werewolf.

And he ended up living in the woods, in a Van.

And raising a son who was courageous,

and motivated and generous.

No, Larry was right.

It's a waste of time, wolves trying to better themselves and fit in.

This is where we always end up - in the woods, poaching rabbits.

This is as good as it gets for us.

Tom, you have one night a month to worry about.

You are the closest to human of all of us.

Yeah, I used to think that too.

And then Larry put me straight.

The wolf never sleeps. He's always there inside me, making me dumb.

Tom, that is utter nonsense.

And if that's what Larry's been telling you, then he is despicable.

No, it's good.

All this time, I thought I was the problem.

But it's not my fault, it's the wolf. So it's okay, innit?

- Let's say that's true. - Hal, what...

No! Let's... let's say you have a monster inside you.

All the time.

Pulling at your strings, tormenting you, itching to see you fail.

Well, join the club.

Come on in! Because if you do, if all of that is true,

then this is where you prove your worth.

By fighting it. By defying it.

By proving it wrong.

By standing toe to toe with it every day and spitting in its face.

Larry tell you that he lost his wife and his job because of the wolf?

Tom, whatever Larry's problems are, you can be damn sure

they're nothing to do with him being a werewolf,

and everything to do with him being a failure!

You are nothing like him.

You are stronger in every way. You are a good man.

Best I've ever known.

Not a success, though, am I?

Yes, you are. By all the measures that matter.

That's just a wishy-washy way of saying "failure", isn't it?

Look, I know both of you mean well. But this is for the best. Really, it is.

I know where I am in the woods. It's like coming home.

I don't have to dress up or learn stupid rules.

I can stop pretending I'm normal.

I don't have to try for anything more.

This is enough for me.

It's enough.

- Out. - I'm sorry?

I'll spell it out. You. Gone. Now!

I'm guessing this is something to do with Tom, right?

Look, whatever he's chosen to believe, it's got nothing to do with me.

We both know he's not the sharpest tool in the shed.

You've got five minutes to pack your case.

But this is my home, hal.

Do you think if you say something enough times it makes it true?

"This is my home?"

"It wasn't me, it was the wolf?"

- You know nothing of the wolf. - But I know people.

I know the lies they tell themselves to cover up their own failings.

There's only one person to blame for what's happened to you,

and he's standing right in front of me.

Shut your mouth, you arrogant little shit.

You don't know me.

- You don't scare me either. - I should.

Because there is something within me that I've been holding back,

and it so wants to be free.

And what you did to Tom has given it the perfect excuse.

- Ooh. - This is your chance,

Larry, your only chance to be the wise man who walks away

and lives to see another day.

- Alex: Do you know how this ends? - What?

You, here,

in a tent.

You know how this ends?

She gave up the fight, she let it overwhelm her.

Now she's all alone and mad as a badger.

- I'm nothing like her. - Yeah, neither am I.

Yet.

I bet she didn't plan on ending up like that, either.

You've got to stay part of something, you know?

You've got to stay anchored.

And it's okay for you because,

well, you can be seen and do stuff.

Whereas the only thing I can be part of is the Tom, hal and Alex gang.

So I'd be coming home for you?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm just gonna put it out there.

I want you to come back, because...

Well, because Mary has scared the shit out of me.

And I'm scared that, without you two...

That, well, that's gonna be me

crouched over a bog watching other people shag.

Long story. And...

It's about you as well.

You're the best out of all of us, Tom.

You just don't realize it.

I've got a surprise for you.

Well, there's a coincidence.

Mary: Hello, Alex.

Hal was just telling me how truly sorry he is for this whole business.

It was really quite moving.

Mary, you don't want to do this.

Why do people always say that?

This is exactly what I want to do, which is why I'm doing it.

Mary, I am eternally grateful to you

for all the years you dedicated to my well-being.

Oh my god, do you ever listen to yourself?

It's like the shipping forecast took a shit in your ear.

You were my rock. You helped me stay clean for so many years.

That is worth more to me than I can say!

Yeah, but it didn't last forever, did it?

So, then you drink again,

and then you're clean again, and then you drink again.

On, and on, and on, and on.

How long until you kill again, hal?

How many lives will I be saving when I kill you today?

Oh! My little girl's all grown up.

But I've been doing this for a very long time.

Tom: It's all right! I've got it, I think!

You can just run off, you know.

- We've got this. - What?

I said, "we have got this."

Alex: He's our responsibility now.

We'll make sure that he doesn't kill again. Won't we, Tom?

Absolutely. Can we just wrap this up now, please?

Mmm, no. He needs to suffer.

Every day he fights with the monster he might become.

You think that isn't suffering?

You've had centuries of making him your problem.

I know it hurts, and I know that your heart is breaking,

but it is time to let go of this.

He's our problem now.

It's okay. I'm fine. Don't worry about me.

Don't worry.

Alex: So, what now?

I guess you don't have to keep coming back here anymore.

I think it's high time for a new country.

And maybe a whole new personality. Yeah.

I could be a ditsy tourist.

Or a crazy eco-warrior.

Go scare the shit out of some loggers in the Amazon.

He's not a bad man.

Not anymore.

Where have I heard that before?

Oh, yeah. It was me for 250 years.

Right. Why don't we just try and leave this on a civil note, hmm?

How's that sound?

Goodbye, lady Mary. It has certainly been an experience.

I hope you know what you're taking on?

'Cause the man that killed me isn't gone, he's just sleeping.

And he's a very good liar.

How long until you're the one holding the stake?

So, hejust up and left?

I'll be honest, Tom, I didn't leave him a lot of choice.

Good riddance.

He was a bit of a wrong 'UN, wasn't he?

I've been a bit of an idiot. Sorry, hal.

- You've nothing to apologize for. - No, I have. I let him get to me.

The wolf ain't holding me back. Nothing's holding me back.

I just gotta try harder, that's all. I can be anything I want to be.

We all can.

That's quite an insight. Maybe I should spend some time in the woods.

No, you don't want to do that. It's crap, damp and itchy.

That's why I came home, really. I needed a shower.

Of course it is.

Hal, while I've got you, mate.

Thatjob opportunity, is it still open?

- Assistant manager? - That's the bunny.

It's yours if you want it, Tom.

Well, I'll have my people call your people and set summat up.

You do that.

Mary didn't know you like we know you, hal. You're a good bloke.

Thank you.

Hal: This is your chance,

Larry, your only chance to be the wise man who walks away

and lives to see another day.

So, we're more alike than I thought.

- We are nothing alike. - When you look at me, you just see

- the monster you're hiding. - You believe whatever you want. Just go.

I'm a little too wild for your liking, aren't I?

A little too unpredictable, little too complete.

It's clearly helped you make such a success of your life.

Didn't you tell Tom all that stuff was unimportant?

Instead, I've got no struggle, no tug-of-war,

just one voice, one life, one me.

Ooh. Seeing that's gotta hurt.

I strongly suggest you take a step backwards.

You know what? I think...

You're just one big PR exercise.

You think I'm a fraud? Well, I guess you'd know the signs.

I'll huff and I'll puff.

Ooh! Come on, let's see this big bad hal

- that's got everyone so scared. - You don't know what you're doing.

Maybe I do. Maybe I want this. Maybe I want to see the monster.

Come on. Let him out, let's play. If he's even real!

You've got the others fooled, it's not exactly hard, is it?

A slag and a retard.

You want to talk to the real me?

Hello, Larry. Here I am. Did you want to speak to me?

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

I believe I have some work for you.

I'll be right over.

Mary: How long until you kill again, hal?

Bobby. Excellent. Yes.

Bobby: Mr. Rook always says that I'm a savage and deadly predator.

Crumb: There is no Ian. There is only crumb.

Let's do this.