All language subtitles for The Good Place - 03x09 - Janet(s).S03E10.HDTV.x264-SVA

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,404 --> 00:00:07,062 Wow! Ho-ho! 2 00:00:07,134 --> 00:00:10,076 Oh, Janet, you did it! You brought us into your void. 3 00:00:10,139 --> 00:00:12,072 If I had a heart, it would be pounding. 4 00:00:12,074 --> 00:00:13,406 - Michael... - You know, you'd think 5 00:00:13,408 --> 00:00:16,009 there'd be side effects, but I feel great. 6 00:00:16,011 --> 00:00:17,497 How's the hair? Is it still amazing? 7 00:00:17,522 --> 00:00:19,950 Michael, there may have been some side effects 8 00:00:20,004 --> 00:00:21,732 for the humans. 9 00:00:23,373 --> 00:00:25,051 Huh. 10 00:00:25,123 --> 00:00:27,357 Dude, why are there so many Janets? 11 00:00:27,459 --> 00:00:28,955 Anwhy do I sound like Janet? 12 00:00:29,006 --> 00:00:32,274 You also look like Janet. Do I? 13 00:00:32,276 --> 00:00:36,979 Why? What? What is happening? 14 00:00:38,449 --> 00:00:40,695 Oh, no, am I... 15 00:00:40,816 --> 00:00:42,835 wearing a vest? 16 00:00:42,882 --> 00:00:45,156 Ooh, Michael, help me! 17 00:00:45,203 --> 00:00:48,257 This is going to be tricky. How do we even tell them apart? 18 00:00:48,259 --> 00:00:49,425 Oh! 19 00:00:50,995 --> 00:00:53,180 Okay, that one's Jason. 20 00:00:53,205 --> 00:00:57,962 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 21 00:00:59,103 --> 00:01:01,303 I can't put the humans back in their own bodies, 22 00:01:01,305 --> 00:01:04,940 so I've done the next best, but still not that great, thing. 23 00:01:04,942 --> 00:01:07,376 A high-neck sleeveless? 24 00:01:07,378 --> 00:01:10,646 - I suppose this outfit will do? - Are you sure? 25 00:01:10,648 --> 00:01:13,649 I mean, wearing a floral print to an infinite void 26 00:01:13,651 --> 00:01:15,551 at this time of the nothing? 27 00:01:15,553 --> 00:01:19,321 So where are we exactly? We're not on Earth, right? 28 00:01:19,323 --> 00:01:21,357 That's correct, Chidi-Janet. You're not. 29 00:01:21,359 --> 00:01:24,293 Your real bodies dematerialized when you entered my void, 30 00:01:24,295 --> 00:01:28,063 and your essences reconstituted themselves in this form. 31 00:01:28,065 --> 00:01:31,133 Cool, cool. And when you say "void"... 32 00:01:31,135 --> 00:01:33,902 Oh, I mean a sub-dimension outside of space and time 33 00:01:33,904 --> 00:01:35,938 at the nexus of consciousness and matter 34 00:01:35,940 --> 00:01:37,139 tethered to my essence. 35 00:01:37,141 --> 00:01:38,474 Does that help? 36 00:01:38,476 --> 00:01:41,310 It does not help. It makes it way worse. 37 00:01:41,312 --> 00:01:43,912 I just want to lie down. 38 00:01:43,914 --> 00:01:46,248 Where is down? 39 00:01:46,250 --> 00:01:49,718 I found it. It's up here. It's dope. 40 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:51,787 I have an idea. 41 00:01:51,789 --> 00:01:53,555 Sweet. I call sofa. 42 00:01:53,557 --> 00:01:55,024 Janet's void has a back door 43 00:01:55,026 --> 00:01:57,526 to the Janet warehouse in the Neutral Zone, 44 00:01:57,528 --> 00:01:59,728 which is right near Accounting. 45 00:01:59,730 --> 00:02:01,530 You four will stay here 46 00:02:01,532 --> 00:02:04,300 while Actual Janet and I sneak through it 47 00:02:04,302 --> 00:02:05,634 and find the Head Accountant. 48 00:02:05,636 --> 00:02:07,770 But, Michael, why can't we go with you? 49 00:02:07,772 --> 00:02:09,471 Well, you just died, which means you're 50 00:02:09,473 --> 00:02:11,640 the first humans in history to not immediately go 51 00:02:11,642 --> 00:02:14,043 to the Good or Bad Place, which, in turn, 52 00:02:14,045 --> 00:02:15,978 makes you inter-dimensional fugitives. 53 00:02:15,980 --> 00:02:17,446 So that's neat. 54 00:02:17,448 --> 00:02:19,581 Also, the Judge is probably still pissed at me 55 00:02:19,583 --> 00:02:21,717 for, you know, breaking all the rules, 56 00:02:21,719 --> 00:02:23,385 and she might take it out on you. 57 00:02:23,387 --> 00:02:26,255 Plus, the Bad Place is probably hunting for us, 58 00:02:26,257 --> 00:02:29,525 so, literally, the entire universe is against you. 59 00:02:29,527 --> 00:02:32,561 Okay, but what's a fourth really good reason? 60 00:02:32,563 --> 00:02:35,164 Jeez, just trying to lighten the mood... tough void. 61 00:02:35,166 --> 00:02:38,334 Now, Janet and I will pose as Good Place employees 62 00:02:38,336 --> 00:02:40,969 and sweet-talk the Accountant into showing us his books. 63 00:02:40,971 --> 00:02:44,139 If I'm right, we will find proof 64 00:02:44,141 --> 00:02:47,543 that the Bad Place is tampering with the point system. 65 00:02:47,545 --> 00:02:49,044 The Accountant will tell us what to do, 66 00:02:49,046 --> 00:02:50,312 and this will all be over. 67 00:02:50,314 --> 00:02:52,247 We're almost at the end, guys. 68 00:02:52,249 --> 00:02:55,651 Just stay here, keep Janet's heads on straight. 69 00:02:55,653 --> 00:02:57,920 Bye. 70 00:03:00,057 --> 00:03:02,154 Is that a Good Janet or a Bad Janet? 71 00:03:02,179 --> 00:03:03,662 That's a Neutral Janet. 72 00:03:03,687 --> 00:03:05,794 She's sort of the black sheep of the Janet world. 73 00:03:05,796 --> 00:03:07,730 Or blank sheep, I guess. 74 00:03:07,732 --> 00:03:11,024 Ooh, I can throw shade now. That's cool. 75 00:03:11,735 --> 00:03:13,446 You've arrived at the Accounting Office. 76 00:03:13,471 --> 00:03:14,837 All point calculations 77 00:03:14,839 --> 00:03:16,805 for actions taken on Earth are made here. 78 00:03:16,807 --> 00:03:19,074 - End of conversation. - My name is Michael. 79 00:03:19,076 --> 00:03:20,609 I need to speak with the Head Accountant 80 00:03:20,611 --> 00:03:22,644 on official Good Place business. 81 00:03:22,646 --> 00:03:24,380 I will inform the Head Accountant 82 00:03:24,382 --> 00:03:26,782 of your presence, and he either will or will not see you 83 00:03:26,784 --> 00:03:29,685 in a certain amount of time... end of conversation. 84 00:03:29,687 --> 00:03:31,253 Wow. 85 00:03:33,557 --> 00:03:36,024 Good thing your void plan worked out, huh? 86 00:03:39,497 --> 00:03:42,197 ♪ Believe in life after love? ♪ 87 00:03:42,199 --> 00:03:45,734 Oh, having four humans in my void is weird. 88 00:03:47,204 --> 00:03:48,871 This is nuts. 89 00:03:48,873 --> 00:03:51,473 We're in a void in the body of a white lady. 90 00:03:51,475 --> 00:03:52,808 - Not a lady. - Not a lady, darling. 91 00:03:52,810 --> 00:03:54,076 Well, we are white. 92 00:03:54,078 --> 00:03:55,677 Let's all say white people things! 93 00:03:55,679 --> 00:03:58,280 Billy Joel. I found it on Etsy. 94 00:03:58,282 --> 00:04:01,383 There was nowhere to park. Did you refill the Brita? 95 00:04:01,385 --> 00:04:03,318 I find this void quite calming, actually. 96 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:06,388 It's like, this time, the Xanax took me. 97 00:04:06,390 --> 00:04:08,357 Oh, I have the worst stomachache. 98 00:04:08,359 --> 00:04:10,292 Dude, relax. 99 00:04:10,294 --> 00:04:13,295 Here, let me see if I can figure this out. 100 00:04:14,665 --> 00:04:17,933 Oh, wow, Eleanor! How'd you do that? 101 00:04:17,935 --> 00:04:19,435 I don't know. We're Janets now. 102 00:04:19,437 --> 00:04:21,503 So I thought we'd have some bitchin' Janet powers. 103 00:04:21,505 --> 00:04:23,872 What just happened? What did you do? 104 00:04:23,874 --> 00:04:25,974 Sorry, I'm just trying to help Chidi calm down... 105 00:04:25,976 --> 00:04:28,177 The structural integrity of this void is already at risk. 106 00:04:28,179 --> 00:04:30,813 You can't start randomly conjuring up objects, 107 00:04:30,815 --> 00:04:32,548 or it might shatter the void. 108 00:04:32,550 --> 00:04:33,849 Yes, it might. 109 00:04:33,851 --> 00:04:35,484 It might make everything blow up, 110 00:04:35,486 --> 00:04:37,119 and we'll all disappear forever. 111 00:04:37,121 --> 00:04:39,254 Mwah. So stop it! 112 00:04:43,794 --> 00:04:45,260 Everything okay? 113 00:04:45,262 --> 00:04:46,728 - Nope. - Well... 114 00:04:46,730 --> 00:04:49,031 The Head Accountant has decided to see you. 115 00:04:49,033 --> 00:04:52,401 This will happen now. End of conversation. 116 00:04:52,403 --> 00:04:54,236 Hi. 117 00:04:54,238 --> 00:04:55,571 Hey-o! 118 00:04:55,573 --> 00:04:57,339 There they are. Good to see you. 119 00:04:57,341 --> 00:04:59,775 Sorry to keep you waiting. I'm Neil, Head Accountant. 120 00:04:59,777 --> 00:05:02,144 - You must be Janet and Michael? - Yes. 121 00:05:02,146 --> 00:05:05,781 Can I just say, I really depreciate you coming. 122 00:05:06,257 --> 00:05:08,490 Huh? A little bit of accounting humor. 123 00:05:08,515 --> 00:05:09,852 - Ah. - Yeah. 124 00:05:09,854 --> 00:05:12,210 - So what can I do for you? - Well, I'm concerned 125 00:05:12,235 --> 00:05:15,491 about certain anomalies in the point system. 126 00:05:15,493 --> 00:05:17,092 I'm worried that, somehow, 127 00:05:17,094 --> 00:05:19,228 the Bad Place has been tampering. 128 00:05:19,230 --> 00:05:20,562 Tampering? No, no, no. 129 00:05:20,564 --> 00:05:22,631 Quite impossible. Laughable, really. 130 00:05:22,633 --> 00:05:24,500 Janet, can you remind me to laugh at that later? 131 00:05:24,502 --> 00:05:26,535 Your amusement has been scheduled. 132 00:05:26,537 --> 00:05:29,037 End of conversation. 133 00:05:29,039 --> 00:05:30,172 She's a lot of fun. 134 00:05:30,174 --> 00:05:32,374 Could you just humor us, though? 135 00:05:32,376 --> 00:05:34,343 Show us how the system works? 136 00:05:34,345 --> 00:05:37,012 Uh, well, I suppose I could give you a quick tour. 137 00:05:37,014 --> 00:05:40,449 We don't get a lot of visitors. Follow me. 138 00:05:40,451 --> 00:05:42,150 Eleanor, how'd you know 139 00:05:42,152 --> 00:05:44,319 I always wanted a dog like this? 140 00:05:44,321 --> 00:05:46,255 Funny story, it's one of the things 141 00:05:46,257 --> 00:05:48,090 I saw in the alternate timeline, 142 00:05:48,092 --> 00:05:52,528 where we were soul mates on and off for 300 years. 143 00:05:52,530 --> 00:05:54,363 Maybe we should talk about that? 144 00:05:54,365 --> 00:05:56,064 Well, I suppose we can, 145 00:05:56,066 --> 00:05:59,234 but there's not that much to talk about. 146 00:05:59,236 --> 00:06:01,203 The things you saw weren't part of my life, 147 00:06:01,205 --> 00:06:02,604 so they didn't happen to me. 148 00:06:02,606 --> 00:06:04,064 What the hell are you talking about, man? 149 00:06:04,089 --> 00:06:06,208 Of course it was you. I saw it. 150 00:06:06,210 --> 00:06:09,478 Well, it was a Chidi, sure, but it wasn't me Chidi. 151 00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:11,346 This is a classic philosophical question. 152 00:06:11,348 --> 00:06:13,621 The concept of the self, or who we are. 153 00:06:13,646 --> 00:06:15,050 Philosophically speaking, 154 00:06:15,052 --> 00:06:18,253 there's the Chidi I am, who lived a certain life, 155 00:06:18,255 --> 00:06:20,088 and there's the Chidi you saw... 156 00:06:20,090 --> 00:06:22,457 your soul mate or whatever, 157 00:06:22,459 --> 00:06:25,227 who had some entirely different life. 158 00:06:25,229 --> 00:06:26,995 They're not the same Chidis. 159 00:06:26,997 --> 00:06:29,064 I'm so sorry. Yeah, no, I get it. 160 00:06:29,066 --> 00:06:31,767 Counterpoint... that's the dumbest thing you've ever said, 161 00:06:31,769 --> 00:06:33,035 and you do not deserve a puppy! 162 00:06:33,037 --> 00:06:34,636 I'm un-blooping your puppy! 163 00:06:36,473 --> 00:06:38,574 Things are getting cuter, 164 00:06:38,576 --> 00:06:40,386 and I want them to get less cute! 165 00:06:45,129 --> 00:06:47,253 So this is the main feed. 166 00:06:47,285 --> 00:06:50,253 Every action by every human on Earth is recorded 167 00:06:50,255 --> 00:06:52,922 and then sent here to be assigned a point value 168 00:06:52,924 --> 00:06:55,725 based on the absolute moral worth of that action. 169 00:06:55,727 --> 00:06:57,861 For example, a couple in Osaka, Japan, 170 00:06:57,863 --> 00:07:00,296 just decided to have a destination wedding. 171 00:07:00,298 --> 00:07:02,365 Negative 1,200 points. 172 00:07:02,367 --> 00:07:04,801 Oh, and it's a destination theme wedding. 173 00:07:04,803 --> 00:07:06,536 Negative 4,300. 174 00:07:07,572 --> 00:07:09,272 The theme's "Lord of the Rings." 175 00:07:09,274 --> 00:07:10,540 They're basically doomed. 176 00:07:10,542 --> 00:07:12,208 Ah, here's one. 177 00:07:12,210 --> 00:07:14,077 This means that someone has just done something 178 00:07:14,079 --> 00:07:15,612 which has never been done before. 179 00:07:15,614 --> 00:07:18,381 "Richard Moore of Sugarland, Texas, 180 00:07:18,383 --> 00:07:20,116 "hollowed out an eggplant 181 00:07:20,118 --> 00:07:23,086 and filled it with hot sauce and nickels." 182 00:07:23,088 --> 00:07:25,288 And amazingly, it's not a weird sex thing. 183 00:07:25,290 --> 00:07:28,324 99% of all new human behaviors are weird sex things. 184 00:07:28,349 --> 00:07:31,526 But not in this... oh, no, it is a weird sex thing, yeah. 185 00:07:31,563 --> 00:07:33,496 Well, then we zip that over to the relevant departments. 186 00:07:33,498 --> 00:07:35,999 In this case, Anastasia in the Stuffed Vegetable Department. 187 00:07:36,001 --> 00:07:38,435 We've got Hector over in American Coins, 188 00:07:38,437 --> 00:07:40,737 and my dear buddy, Matt, in Weird Sex Things. 189 00:07:40,739 --> 00:07:43,573 I'm still waiting on a response to the request I filed 190 00:07:43,575 --> 00:07:45,108 for immediate suicide. 191 00:07:45,110 --> 00:07:46,376 Request denied. 192 00:07:46,378 --> 00:07:48,211 I love Matty. He's hilarious. 193 00:07:48,213 --> 00:07:51,147 So they now examine the action... 194 00:07:51,149 --> 00:07:54,851 its use of resources, the intentions behind it, 195 00:07:54,853 --> 00:07:56,486 its effects on others. 196 00:07:56,488 --> 00:07:59,155 Correct. And you end up with this. 197 00:07:59,157 --> 00:08:01,925 And here is why tampering is impossible... 198 00:08:01,927 --> 00:08:03,927 because this score is then double-checked 199 00:08:03,929 --> 00:08:07,230 by 3 billion other accountants, all chosen at random, 200 00:08:07,232 --> 00:08:09,499 and if they all come to the same conclusion, 201 00:08:09,501 --> 00:08:11,768 which they always do, it makes this official. 202 00:08:11,770 --> 00:08:13,470 Anyone who does this same action 203 00:08:13,472 --> 00:08:15,972 in the exact same way loses this many points. 204 00:08:15,974 --> 00:08:18,274 When people die, their biographical history 205 00:08:18,276 --> 00:08:21,211 and final point totals are sent to the relevant destination. 206 00:08:21,213 --> 00:08:23,747 This batch is going to the Bad Place. 207 00:08:23,749 --> 00:08:25,215 Thank you, Doris. 208 00:08:27,185 --> 00:08:29,619 The system is flawless, and tampering is quite impossible. 209 00:08:29,621 --> 00:08:32,021 I see. Could we look at one 210 00:08:32,023 --> 00:08:34,824 specific file, though, just to make sure? 211 00:08:34,826 --> 00:08:36,726 Oh, who do you want to see... 212 00:08:36,728 --> 00:08:38,294 Genghis Khan, Marie Antoinette? 213 00:08:38,296 --> 00:08:41,164 Walt Disney's got some freaky stuff in his file. 214 00:08:41,166 --> 00:08:43,967 Doug Forcett. 215 00:08:43,969 --> 00:08:45,769 I don't get this, man. 216 00:08:45,771 --> 00:08:48,037 Why wouldn't you want to know what our life was like? 217 00:08:48,039 --> 00:08:49,873 You're not even a little bit curious what it was like 218 00:08:49,875 --> 00:08:51,107 to hit this? 219 00:08:51,109 --> 00:08:52,809 I don't mean this this. 220 00:08:52,811 --> 00:08:55,512 Although, frankly, I would also hit this this. 221 00:08:55,514 --> 00:08:56,946 I don't want to see those memories 222 00:08:56,948 --> 00:08:58,848 because, philosophically speaking, 223 00:08:58,850 --> 00:09:00,717 they're none of my business. 224 00:09:00,719 --> 00:09:02,519 They happened to someone else. 225 00:09:02,521 --> 00:09:04,354 Let me explain. 226 00:09:04,356 --> 00:09:06,356 Take a seat. 227 00:09:06,358 --> 00:09:08,358 Conceptions of the self. 228 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,293 Let's start with John Locke, who believed 229 00:09:10,295 --> 00:09:12,262 that personal identity was based 230 00:09:12,264 --> 00:09:14,931 on having a continued consciousness... 231 00:09:14,933 --> 00:09:16,699 essentially, memory. 232 00:09:16,701 --> 00:09:19,102 Memories are links in a chain 233 00:09:19,104 --> 00:09:21,304 that together form a single self. 234 00:09:21,306 --> 00:09:23,106 If I can't remember what happened 235 00:09:23,108 --> 00:09:26,009 because it happened to a Chidi from another timeline, 236 00:09:26,011 --> 00:09:28,411 it's not a unified me. 237 00:09:28,413 --> 00:09:29,746 Just because you don't remember doing something 238 00:09:29,748 --> 00:09:31,114 doesn't mean you didn't do it. 239 00:09:31,116 --> 00:09:32,916 I have no idea how it happened, 240 00:09:32,918 --> 00:09:35,485 but there is definitely a tattoo on my butt 241 00:09:35,487 --> 00:09:36,986 that says "Jasom." 242 00:09:36,988 --> 00:09:38,521 That leads us to Derek Parfit. 243 00:09:38,523 --> 00:09:40,390 - It does? - Parfit said 244 00:09:40,392 --> 00:09:42,792 even if I have memories from an earlier time, 245 00:09:42,794 --> 00:09:45,962 that doesn't necessarily mean it was me. 246 00:09:45,964 --> 00:09:48,097 After all, if my brain was split in two 247 00:09:48,099 --> 00:09:50,300 and each half was put in a different person, 248 00:09:50,302 --> 00:09:51,935 which one is me? 249 00:09:51,937 --> 00:09:54,103 All I know is that other Chidi 250 00:09:54,105 --> 00:09:56,973 doesn't exist anymore, and this one does. 251 00:09:56,975 --> 00:09:59,209 So this must be the real Chidi. 252 00:09:59,211 --> 00:10:00,877 And all I know is that you're just 253 00:10:00,879 --> 00:10:02,712 barfing Wikipedia all over everyone 254 00:10:02,714 --> 00:10:05,148 to avoid talking about your feelings. 255 00:10:05,150 --> 00:10:08,451 Let's talk about David Hume. 256 00:10:10,689 --> 00:10:13,823 Here we go, the Book of Dougs. 257 00:10:13,825 --> 00:10:16,626 Let's have a look. 258 00:10:16,628 --> 00:10:19,529 Doug Forbush, Doug Forcap... 259 00:10:19,531 --> 00:10:21,564 Doug L. Forcett. 260 00:10:21,566 --> 00:10:24,267 Hey, no peeking. Accountants only. 261 00:10:24,269 --> 00:10:26,636 Can you just tell me his total so far? 262 00:10:26,638 --> 00:10:30,306 Looks like he's at 520,000 points. 263 00:10:30,308 --> 00:10:32,976 - Well done, Doug. - So that's... that's good? 264 00:10:32,978 --> 00:10:34,744 Oh, it's excellent. 265 00:10:34,746 --> 00:10:36,713 Wait, he's 68 years old? 266 00:10:36,715 --> 00:10:38,181 Oh, that's terrible. He's screwed. 267 00:10:38,183 --> 00:10:39,983 I knew it! 268 00:10:39,985 --> 00:10:43,920 Doug has spent his entire life being nothing but good. 269 00:10:43,922 --> 00:10:45,755 He once found a dollar on the ground, 270 00:10:45,757 --> 00:10:47,690 and he sent it to the Canadian government 271 00:10:47,692 --> 00:10:49,985 to help pay down their national debt. 272 00:10:50,010 --> 00:10:52,395 And he isn't even close to getting in? 273 00:10:52,397 --> 00:10:53,696 How can that be? 274 00:10:53,698 --> 00:10:55,498 Look, mate, the points are indisputable. 275 00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:57,367 They have been since the beginning. 276 00:10:57,369 --> 00:10:59,402 "Og Gives His Rock to Grog." 277 00:10:59,404 --> 00:11:01,304 First ever act of human altruism. 278 00:11:01,306 --> 00:11:03,206 Og earned 10,000 points that day. 279 00:11:03,208 --> 00:11:04,741 Of course, then Grog used that rock 280 00:11:04,743 --> 00:11:07,210 to beat Og's brains in and lost a million points. 281 00:11:07,212 --> 00:11:10,947 The point is, the math is cold, objective, and airtight, 282 00:11:10,949 --> 00:11:12,215 and unless you can prove otherwise, 283 00:11:12,217 --> 00:11:13,917 I don't know how I can help you. 284 00:11:13,919 --> 00:11:16,509 I just got 700 new Weird Sex Thing files 285 00:11:16,534 --> 00:11:17,754 in the last one second. 286 00:11:17,756 --> 00:11:19,956 Oh, yeah, Burning Man just started. 287 00:11:19,958 --> 00:11:22,158 Buckle up, Matty. It's going to be a long week. 288 00:11:23,795 --> 00:11:25,895 So, in essence, Hume thought 289 00:11:25,897 --> 00:11:27,964 that we don't truly have a self. 290 00:11:27,966 --> 00:11:30,900 We're just a bundle of our ever-changing impressions. 291 00:11:30,902 --> 00:11:33,303 Just admit it, man. You're embarrassed 292 00:11:33,305 --> 00:11:34,826 you fell in love with an Arizona trash bag. 293 00:11:34,851 --> 00:11:36,873 Eleanor, it's not personal. 294 00:11:36,875 --> 00:11:39,059 Someone fell in love with you. 295 00:11:39,084 --> 00:11:40,443 It's just not me. 296 00:11:40,445 --> 00:11:42,312 I told you not to conjure anything. 297 00:11:42,314 --> 00:11:45,315 Sorry, I-I just swapped the living room for a classroom. 298 00:11:45,317 --> 00:11:46,983 Not you, him. 299 00:11:46,985 --> 00:11:49,953 - Jason, what is wrong with you? - Sorry, Janet. 300 00:11:49,955 --> 00:11:51,487 I didn't mean to conjure Pillboi. 301 00:11:51,489 --> 00:11:53,856 I was just thinking about how much fun we used to have 302 00:11:53,858 --> 00:11:55,925 hanging out in his broken hot tub, 303 00:11:55,927 --> 00:11:57,694 and then he showed up, 304 00:11:57,696 --> 00:11:59,963 Yeah, I was just chilling, being nothing, 305 00:11:59,965 --> 00:12:01,798 and then all of a sudden, I was. 306 00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:02,799 Oh! 307 00:12:02,801 --> 00:12:03,900 Good-bye, Pillboi. 308 00:12:03,902 --> 00:12:07,737 Aw, dip. I'm not again! 309 00:12:07,739 --> 00:12:08,972 Oh. 310 00:12:08,974 --> 00:12:10,573 You need to hurry. 311 00:12:10,575 --> 00:12:12,875 My molecular essence is fragmenting, 312 00:12:12,877 --> 00:12:15,478 and it's giving me the worst headache. 313 00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:17,280 Okay, here's a question. 314 00:12:17,282 --> 00:12:19,482 If Doug Forcett's not getting in, who is? 315 00:12:19,484 --> 00:12:21,317 Let's look at one more file... 316 00:12:21,319 --> 00:12:23,987 someone who... who's gotten into the Good Place this year. 317 00:12:23,989 --> 00:12:26,923 All right, why don't we look at... 318 00:12:26,925 --> 00:12:29,258 No one. No one got in. 319 00:12:29,260 --> 00:12:32,128 - No one's gotten in for a year? - Correct. 320 00:12:32,130 --> 00:12:34,030 How about the last three years? 321 00:12:34,032 --> 00:12:36,933 All right, uh, boo-doo-doo... 322 00:12:39,704 --> 00:12:42,271 Uh, no one. 323 00:12:42,273 --> 00:12:45,141 When was the last time someone got in? 324 00:12:45,143 --> 00:12:46,843 The last time someone got enough points 325 00:12:46,845 --> 00:12:49,379 to get into the Good Place was... 326 00:12:49,381 --> 00:12:51,748 521 years ago. 327 00:12:53,136 --> 00:12:56,571 Michael, um... 328 00:12:56,721 --> 00:12:58,821 Yo, homey. 329 00:12:58,823 --> 00:13:00,790 You and Eleanor were fighting before, 330 00:13:00,792 --> 00:13:03,292 and I couldn't help but overhear. 331 00:13:03,294 --> 00:13:06,295 Hey, if we hear with our ears, 332 00:13:06,297 --> 00:13:08,865 why is it called "butt overhearing"? 333 00:13:08,867 --> 00:13:12,869 Bro, if you don't like her, you should just tell her. 334 00:13:12,871 --> 00:13:16,839 It's not about whether I like Eleanor. 335 00:13:16,841 --> 00:13:19,042 I got into philosophy to try to make sense 336 00:13:19,044 --> 00:13:21,244 of a world that almost never makes sense. 337 00:13:21,246 --> 00:13:24,514 And that was before I learned that I died 338 00:13:24,516 --> 00:13:28,418 and then un-died and then re-died. 339 00:13:28,420 --> 00:13:31,054 I just can't take one more thing. 340 00:13:31,056 --> 00:13:32,622 It's too much. 341 00:13:32,624 --> 00:13:34,624 I'm going to tell you a story. 342 00:13:34,626 --> 00:13:36,692 Back in Jacksonville, there was this guy 343 00:13:36,694 --> 00:13:39,796 in my 80-person dance crew named Stank Toby. 344 00:13:39,798 --> 00:13:43,366 Hang on. It was a 60-person dance crew. 345 00:13:43,368 --> 00:13:45,168 Um... 346 00:13:45,170 --> 00:13:48,271 Oh, dip! What are numbers? 347 00:13:48,273 --> 00:13:50,440 You're not Jason-Janet. 348 00:13:50,442 --> 00:13:53,976 You're Eleanor-Janet pretending to be Jason-Janet. 349 00:13:53,978 --> 00:13:57,914 That is so wrong and so confusing! 350 00:13:57,916 --> 00:13:59,782 What was I supposed to do, man? 351 00:13:59,784 --> 00:14:00,883 You wouldn't talk to me. 352 00:14:00,885 --> 00:14:02,552 This seemed like the only option. 353 00:14:02,554 --> 00:14:04,253 Hi, Chidi, I'm Eleanor. 354 00:14:04,255 --> 00:14:05,888 I'm Arizona shrimp horny. 355 00:14:05,890 --> 00:14:07,890 That's not what I sound like, Jason. 356 00:14:07,892 --> 00:14:09,559 - Get out of here. - Oh, dip. 357 00:14:10,895 --> 00:14:13,362 Look, you know what? Just forget it. 358 00:14:13,364 --> 00:14:14,797 What am I even doing? 359 00:14:14,799 --> 00:14:16,332 I'm... I'm chasing a dude who isn't into me. 360 00:14:16,334 --> 00:14:18,701 I'm making myself vulnerable for no reason. 361 00:14:18,703 --> 00:14:21,070 I don't even know who I am anymore! 362 00:14:22,073 --> 00:14:24,540 Uh-oh. This is new. 363 00:14:24,542 --> 00:14:26,509 I'm so annoyed at myself. 364 00:14:26,511 --> 00:14:29,412 Gah! Stupid, Eleanor! Stupid! 365 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:32,421 This whole thing sucks, you know? 366 00:14:32,453 --> 00:14:33,786 Eleanor, you... you're not... 367 00:14:33,788 --> 00:14:35,472 The one thing I never wanted to do, 368 00:14:35,558 --> 00:14:37,676 ever, for any reason, was to follow some guy around 369 00:14:37,739 --> 00:14:39,066 like a lame puppy dog! 370 00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:41,196 I mean, look at me. I don't need to do that. 371 00:14:41,198 --> 00:14:42,888 I can get any guy I want. 372 00:14:42,933 --> 00:14:45,700 - Eleanor, just hang on. - What, dude, what? 373 00:14:45,702 --> 00:14:48,303 - What do you want? - What is going on? 374 00:14:48,305 --> 00:14:51,777 Okay, well, this is bad. 375 00:14:51,802 --> 00:14:53,111 Why are you staring at me? 376 00:14:53,134 --> 00:14:55,301 Do I have a zit on my nose or something? 377 00:14:55,303 --> 00:14:56,936 Your sense of self is crumbling, 378 00:14:56,938 --> 00:14:58,771 and it's taking the void down with it. 379 00:14:58,773 --> 00:15:01,539 Great. So I don't feel like myself for two seconds, 380 00:15:01,564 --> 00:15:02,908 and it breaks the universe? 381 00:15:02,910 --> 00:15:05,010 How come nothing went wrong when Chidi freaked out 382 00:15:05,012 --> 00:15:07,146 about his identity for three hours? 383 00:15:07,148 --> 00:15:09,515 Because freaking out about everything is my identity. 384 00:15:09,517 --> 00:15:10,783 Not to brag. 385 00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:12,785 I need you to hold it together. 386 00:15:12,787 --> 00:15:14,553 Try to do something Eleanor-y. 387 00:15:14,555 --> 00:15:15,854 Laugh at someone who falls down, 388 00:15:15,856 --> 00:15:17,523 or show up to an event under-dressed 389 00:15:17,525 --> 00:15:18,958 and get mad at everyone else somehow. 390 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,426 I'll be right back. 391 00:15:23,531 --> 00:15:26,599 I know I asked you this before, but... 392 00:15:26,601 --> 00:15:29,535 No, darling, this is not where the Mac and PC guys live. 393 00:15:29,537 --> 00:15:32,571 Whoa! Check out this dope flat-screen! 394 00:15:32,573 --> 00:15:36,075 It's air-mounted! Do you see this, Tahani? 395 00:15:36,077 --> 00:15:39,211 This must be where Janet stores all her information. 396 00:15:39,213 --> 00:15:41,113 This screen can literally show us 397 00:15:41,115 --> 00:15:43,782 anything that has ever happened. 398 00:15:43,784 --> 00:15:46,185 Cartoons, cartoons! 399 00:15:46,187 --> 00:15:47,820 I think it's broken. 400 00:15:47,822 --> 00:15:49,955 TV, play cartoons for Jason! 401 00:15:51,892 --> 00:15:54,860 Oh, my. Janet has a crush on you. 402 00:15:54,862 --> 00:15:56,128 I'm sorry. 403 00:15:56,130 --> 00:15:58,564 It's not just a crush. 404 00:15:58,566 --> 00:16:03,335 I think in one of the reboots, you and Janet were married. 405 00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:05,170 Whoa, married? 406 00:16:05,172 --> 00:16:06,739 Oh. 407 00:16:06,741 --> 00:16:10,042 This flat-screen must have been a wedding present. 408 00:16:10,044 --> 00:16:12,745 It's all starting to make sense now. 409 00:16:12,747 --> 00:16:14,313 Well, I've got to run. 410 00:16:14,315 --> 00:16:16,048 We're having a little thing in the break room 411 00:16:16,050 --> 00:16:17,583 for Marisol's birthday. 412 00:16:17,585 --> 00:16:20,252 She turning 39,000,000... again. 413 00:16:20,254 --> 00:16:21,954 So, if there's nothing else... 414 00:16:21,956 --> 00:16:23,455 "If there's nothing else"? 415 00:16:23,457 --> 00:16:25,357 Neil, be logical. 416 00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:29,228 Not one Good Place resident in over 500 years? 417 00:16:29,230 --> 00:16:32,531 Not Jonas Salk? Not Harriet Tubman? 418 00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:35,134 Not one single Golden Girl? 419 00:16:35,136 --> 00:16:38,437 The Bad Place has hacked your system! 420 00:16:38,439 --> 00:16:40,706 No, it hasn't. How dare you? 421 00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:42,474 Frankly, I'm beginning to resent your tone, sir. 422 00:16:42,476 --> 00:16:43,809 If you've got a problem, then go to the Good Place 423 00:16:43,811 --> 00:16:44,943 and take it up with the Committee. 424 00:16:44,945 --> 00:16:46,245 Now, if you'll excuse me, 425 00:16:46,247 --> 00:16:47,479 I have to get to the break room, 426 00:16:47,481 --> 00:16:48,547 because there's cake over there, 427 00:16:48,549 --> 00:16:49,882 and if I don't move quickly, 428 00:16:49,884 --> 00:16:51,583 Erika will get the last corner piece. 429 00:16:51,585 --> 00:16:53,185 Good day, sir! 430 00:16:53,187 --> 00:16:55,087 No, no, no. This can't be happening. 431 00:16:55,089 --> 00:16:57,423 No, he was supposed to tell us what to do. 432 00:16:57,425 --> 00:17:00,893 If he's not going to fix this, who is? 433 00:17:00,895 --> 00:17:02,494 You, Michael. 434 00:17:02,496 --> 00:17:04,430 It has to be you. 435 00:17:04,432 --> 00:17:06,398 We keep wandering around these different realms 436 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,133 expecting someone else to have the answer, 437 00:17:08,135 --> 00:17:09,501 but no one ever does. 438 00:17:09,503 --> 00:17:11,203 You're the guy, Michael. 439 00:17:11,205 --> 00:17:12,771 You're the only one who can fix 440 00:17:12,773 --> 00:17:14,406 whatever's wrong with the afterlife. 441 00:17:14,408 --> 00:17:16,008 But before we get into that, 442 00:17:16,010 --> 00:17:18,357 Eleanor's identity is shattering inside of my void, 443 00:17:18,382 --> 00:17:19,303 and I might blow up. 444 00:17:19,328 --> 00:17:20,746 So I'm going to need you to grab a paper clip 445 00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:22,748 and marbleize me, like, yesterday. 446 00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:23,984 What's going to happen to the humans? 447 00:17:24,009 --> 00:17:25,656 No idea, but I can't take them out of my void 448 00:17:25,681 --> 00:17:26,888 in the middle of this office. 449 00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:28,974 And if we do nothing, everyone's gone-zo. 450 00:17:28,999 --> 00:17:32,224 Marbleize me, get us somewhere safe, and bring me back. 451 00:17:32,226 --> 00:17:33,726 Right, a paper clip! I need a paper clip! 452 00:17:33,728 --> 00:17:36,328 Hey, Matt. Do you have a paper clip? 453 00:17:36,330 --> 00:17:38,464 What are you going to use it for? 454 00:17:38,466 --> 00:17:40,799 - Chidi, I'm scared. - I know. 455 00:17:40,801 --> 00:17:42,134 What am I supposed to be doing right now? 456 00:17:42,136 --> 00:17:43,402 I don't remember. 457 00:17:43,404 --> 00:17:45,904 I'm having a hard time remembering. 458 00:17:45,906 --> 00:17:48,407 Right. 459 00:17:48,409 --> 00:17:51,009 Memories, you need to remember who you are. 460 00:17:51,011 --> 00:17:54,012 You're Eleanor Shellstrop from Phoenix, Arizona. 461 00:17:54,014 --> 00:17:56,682 Your favorite meal is shrimp scampi. 462 00:17:56,684 --> 00:17:58,751 You listed your emergency contact as Britney Spears 463 00:17:58,753 --> 00:18:00,285 as a long-shot way of meeting her, 464 00:18:00,287 --> 00:18:02,254 and your favorite movie is that clip 465 00:18:02,256 --> 00:18:04,443 of John Travolta saying "Adele Dazeem." 466 00:18:04,485 --> 00:18:06,485 You flew halfway around the world 467 00:18:06,487 --> 00:18:08,887 because you wanted to be a better person, 468 00:18:08,889 --> 00:18:10,489 and it was very brave. 469 00:18:10,491 --> 00:18:12,858 You're sharp, and you're strong. 470 00:18:12,860 --> 00:18:15,160 You make fun of me a lot. 471 00:18:15,162 --> 00:18:17,229 You once called me a human snooze button. 472 00:18:17,231 --> 00:18:19,298 but you also showed up in my classroom 473 00:18:19,300 --> 00:18:21,533 when I was drowning in despair and canned chili, 474 00:18:21,535 --> 00:18:24,403 and you basically saved my life. 475 00:18:24,405 --> 00:18:26,305 You have very high self-esteem, 476 00:18:26,307 --> 00:18:30,009 and a very low tolerance for men who wear sandals, 477 00:18:30,011 --> 00:18:32,211 and your worst nightmare 478 00:18:32,213 --> 00:18:35,781 is someone saying something nice about you to your face, 479 00:18:35,783 --> 00:18:37,683 but too bad because I need to say it 480 00:18:37,685 --> 00:18:40,252 because you deserve it. 481 00:18:40,254 --> 00:18:43,055 - Because... because... - Chidi... 482 00:19:01,475 --> 00:19:04,310 Nice work, bud. 483 00:19:04,312 --> 00:19:06,278 Did you mean everything you said, 484 00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:10,035 or did you just say it because the world was ending? 485 00:19:11,559 --> 00:19:13,504 I really want to play this cool, 486 00:19:13,598 --> 00:19:16,522 but I'm afraid that I'm going to ruin it 487 00:19:16,524 --> 00:19:18,490 if I try to be sexy. 488 00:19:20,161 --> 00:19:21,627 I already ruined it. 489 00:19:21,629 --> 00:19:24,890 Um, saying the word "sexy" is not sexy... 490 00:19:29,003 --> 00:19:30,436 - Wait! - Ooh! 491 00:19:30,438 --> 00:19:31,603 I'm okay. 492 00:19:31,605 --> 00:19:33,806 - Are you sure? - Yes, I'm okay. 493 00:19:33,808 --> 00:19:35,941 - Wait. Uh-oh. Ooh. - What? 494 00:19:35,943 --> 00:19:37,576 They're not Janets anymore. 495 00:19:37,578 --> 00:19:40,043 They're them, and they're not sitting well. 496 00:19:40,068 --> 00:19:42,448 Incoming. 497 00:19:46,220 --> 00:19:48,390 They're all here, and they're safe... 498 00:19:50,629 --> 00:19:52,328 From the old scary thing. 499 00:19:52,353 --> 00:19:54,687 Now there's a new scary thing. 500 00:19:55,537 --> 00:19:57,693 Hi, guys, I'm Neil. Welcome to Accounting. 501 00:19:57,772 --> 00:19:59,517 Now, it does seem that four of you 502 00:19:59,563 --> 00:20:01,038 are inter-dimensional fugitives, 503 00:20:01,084 --> 00:20:03,366 so I did go ahead and hit the alarm... sorry about that. 504 00:20:03,391 --> 00:20:05,037 But there is some good news. 505 00:20:05,062 --> 00:20:06,960 - There's some cake left. - Yes! 506 00:20:06,985 --> 00:20:08,389 Michael, what are we going to do? 507 00:20:08,414 --> 00:20:10,153 Guys, I'm so sorry. 508 00:20:10,155 --> 00:20:12,713 - The Accountant was no help. - Rude. 509 00:20:12,738 --> 00:20:15,768 No one's gotten into the Good Place in 500 years. 510 00:20:15,793 --> 00:20:19,395 We have no plan. No one's coming to save us. 511 00:20:22,300 --> 00:20:25,200 So... 512 00:20:27,772 --> 00:20:29,471 I'm going to do it. 513 00:20:32,009 --> 00:20:33,545 Follow me! 514 00:20:34,225 --> 00:20:37,608 Corner piece! No! 515 00:20:40,655 --> 00:20:42,351 You can't take the Book of Dougs. 516 00:20:42,353 --> 00:20:43,652 Accountants only. 517 00:20:43,654 --> 00:20:44,987 I need one of you to volunteer 518 00:20:44,989 --> 00:20:47,856 to do something outrageously insane 519 00:20:47,858 --> 00:20:49,658 that will either make you cease to exist 520 00:20:49,660 --> 00:20:51,060 or be really fun. 521 00:20:51,062 --> 00:20:52,561 That's most of the things I've tried. 522 00:20:52,563 --> 00:20:53,796 That's my guy. Come here, come here. 523 00:20:53,798 --> 00:20:55,064 - Get in the tube. - Oh, hell, yeah. 524 00:20:55,066 --> 00:20:57,866 I love getting in stuff. 525 00:21:04,608 --> 00:21:06,342 No way to know what happened to him. 526 00:21:06,344 --> 00:21:07,576 So, come on, let's go, everyone else. 527 00:21:07,578 --> 00:21:09,244 Come on. 528 00:21:09,246 --> 00:21:10,846 Here you go. 529 00:21:18,289 --> 00:21:19,421 Ow! 530 00:21:21,559 --> 00:21:23,492 That was awesome! That was awesome! 531 00:21:23,494 --> 00:21:24,757 I want to go again! 532 00:21:27,382 --> 00:21:29,452 Where are we? 533 00:21:30,001 --> 00:21:31,700 We're in the Good Place. 534 00:21:31,702 --> 00:21:33,268 No offense, dude, but you have told us 535 00:21:33,270 --> 00:21:35,404 a lot of lies in the last 300 years. 536 00:21:35,406 --> 00:21:37,825 So, seriously, where the fork are we? 537 00:21:39,076 --> 00:21:40,676 Fork. 538 00:21:40,974 --> 00:21:43,255 Shirt. Ash hole. 539 00:21:45,592 --> 00:21:47,992 Holy forking shirtballs. 540 00:21:48,046 --> 00:21:50,030 We're in the Good Place! 541 00:21:50,178 --> 00:21:55,178 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 39981

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