All language subtitles for Scary Movie 3 (2003).en.bug-fixed

I hate television.
Gives me headaches.

There's so many magnetic
waves traveling in the airspace...

because of TV and television.

We're losing ten times as many
brain cells as we're supposed to.

Oh, please!

"The cow says blank."
Three letters.

- Dude!
- "Dude"!

Magnetic waves, brain cells,
don't understand the connection.

You know what else heard? Magnetic
waves shrink silicone molecules.

- Oh, my God! Turn it off.
- It's not working.

- It's backwards!
- What to do?

I don't know.

- That was kinda scary.
- I know something even scarier.

- What?
- Have you heard about this videotape?

The one where they do it on the boat?
Then in the car? And the bathtub?

And he's like, "Baby, love you".
And she's like, "Where are we?"

- And did you see the...
- No, not that tape.

The one with all the scary images.
After you watch it, the phone rings...

and this scary voice comes
on and says you are gonna die...

In Seven days. I saw that
one wit Josh, last weekend.

You were with Josh last weekend?

Oh, my God!

Oh, yes, I was.

You ho!

You know it!

- This is really weird.
- Yeah.

Big house, only one phone.

Hello?

- Hello?
- I'm coming for you, my precious.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi precious. Having fun?

Hey, ask her which bathroom
has the vibrating showerhead.

Hello?
Hello?

Katie?

Katie?

Katie?

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Tom, did you hear...
The dogs are acting strange.

Damn it!

Sue! What are you doing out here?

- We were worried sick.
- What's wrong?

I wonder what they're
trying to tell us.

And now, Washington's
leading morning news program...

"The Morning News".

Good morning.
I'm Ross Giggins.

For our top story:
we turn now...

...to Cindy Campbell.
- Thank you, Ross.

There's a developing story...

in Middleburg at this hour.

A mysterious crop circle appeared...

in local farmer Tom Logan's
cornfield.

Elaborate prank or
extraterrestrial phenomenon?

We'll update you as soon as
we have any further information...

but either way, it's clear
something strange...

is happening in that small town.

- Ross.
- I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

Coming-up, more news after this.

- Cindy, you got a second?
- Sure.

I want you to take a look
at this big strip club exposé.

- I'd rather stick with the crop circle.
- You know those things are a hoax.

I sense something about that cornfield.
Women's intuition, or ESPN, or both.

But I can tell when
danger's near. I just...

It's sweeps month.
Rating mean everything.

People want human-interest stories,
like the one you did yesterday.

The report on breast augmentation?

It was ten minutes of topless women.

I mean, come on.

Why are these so interesting?
Oh, for God's sake!

People don't care about this.
They want hard-hitting stories...

and in-depth coverage, and, and...

And twins!

You think it was the Kreisel boys
who cut that stuff into your corn?

All I know is my crops are gone.

The bank's gonna foreclose
if I can't pay the rent.

I got sixty days to
come up with US$ 1,50.

I'm sorry.
The last thing you needed...

was more hardship in your life.
Especially after what happened to...

- Sheriff, I don't need your sympathy.
- I didn't mean to upset you, Father.

Please. I'm not a minister anymore.
I lost my faith that terrible night.

Your fate will return, just
as sure as the sun will rise.

Sounds like a long shot.

Look, there's always an explanation
for all this so-called phenomenum.

Maybe you're right.
It was probably just the Kreisels.

When I get through with them, doubt
you'll be seeing anything strange.

You'll see.

You all right, Tom?
Get some rest.

George!

George!

I need you back here tomorrow
night after you pick up Sue.

- That tractor needs fixin'.
- Sorry, dog. Can't help you.

- I have to get ready for my show.
- Not that stupid hip-hop stuff again.

Damn it, George, when are you
gonna do something with your life?

- I got a dream.
- What is your dream?

- To have a dream.
- George, all you've done is chase...

adolescent fantasies. You wanna
be an astronaut, a cowboy...

gynecologist to the stars!
And now, this stupid hip hop thing!

For your information, this
hip-hop thing's gonna get me paid.

I'm gonna win that rap
battle tomorrow night.

- Rap battle? Oh, for God's sake.
- You just hate me 'cause I'm black.

You don't have any faith in me.

You don't have any faith
in anything anymore.

So why don't you just worry
about you, and I'll worry about...

Cody!

- You're late again, Aunt Cindy.
- I'm sorry, was stuck in traffic.

Cindy!

- Brenda, hi!
- It's great to see you!

- It's been so long.
- Too long. I've been working so hard.

I've had to spend more
and more time at the station.

The news just keeps on coming in.

- What was the assignment?
- Draw your family and friends.

- So, anyone new in your life, Cindy?
- Just haven't found the right guy.

I'm looking for something
more than just good sex.

- I know. You want commitment.
- No, want great sex.

- And when I meet that guy...
- That's what I'm talkin'bout!

You want a guy that's like bam, bam,
bam! You know what I'm sayin'?

Did I say stop drawing?

Look, when I meet
Mr. Right, I'll know.

- Uncle George!
- Hey, sweetie, come here.

Go get your stuff, okay?

- You're Tom Logan's brother.
- You're that reporter, Cindy Campbell.

- You did the story on our "cop cycles".
- Crop circles.

Right.

- So, you're here to pick up your...
- Nephew. Cody.

- You don't dress like a farmer.
- My brother's the farmer.

I'm the rapper.

Oh, for real. And here's
the 611 on that.

- That's phone repair. You mean 411.
- Right.

So, I'll be doing the rap battle
at the 23 club tomorrow night.

- I don't believe this shit.
- You two should come down!

I'll be rappin'. I'll be cappin',
I'll be tappin'. I'll be flappin'.

- Ding, bing, wing.
- Sounds good.

- Would, could, should, hoo...
- Ugh.

If we say we'll come, will you
shut your ass up?

Okay then. Fresh. I'll see
you guys tomorrow night.

- Okay. Bye.
- Peace out.

Now who the fuck did that?

Honey, what is it?
Are you having one of your visions?

There's a girl with black hair.
She wants to kill you.

- Your period starts in three, two, one.
- What else?

Cody, what else do you see?

I see a little boy and a
grown woman, but no father.

- Oh, Cody.
- I see you kneeling in dog shit.

What?
Ugh! Oh, for God's sake.

Cody, don't you understand?

As long as we have each other,
that's all we need.

Cody, know things have been
tough for you since your mom died.

God, have been so selfish.
Always putting my career first.

From now on I'm gonna be
thinking about you 24/7...

Damn!

Aunt Cindy! Wait!

Honey, I'm gonna
be leaving soon, so...

- Do you know who she is?
- No.

But sometimes she talks to me.
She's coming tonight.

- Oh, Father Muldoon.
- Cindy.

I'm so grateful you could come.
I've called all over for baby sitters.

I don't mind filling in now
and then. Where is little Cody?

I don't know. He must be back
in his room, playing.

Anyway, I left a number where
I can be reached on the table.

Also, he has a little rash on his behind.
So make sure he takes a bath.

Thank you, Father.
Good night.

Cody?

Yeah.
It's gettin' thick up in here.

Hey, look, before we get
on with the battles tonight...

I got a couple
announcements to make.

I know y'all gonna wanna bust a cap
in the air for your favorite rapper...

but if you could please hold on to
your gun fire until the end of the show.

Now look, let's just
put the safety on.

It's on the left side of the gun
above the trigger guard.

Would somebody get his ass.
Get his ass up out there!

Alright. DJ, spin that shit.

- Whoa! My bad.
- Motha...

Brenda, is something wrong?
You look scared.

I don't know. All that stuff
you was saying on TV.

I just got a weird feeling
somethin' bad is headed my way.

Like when you see a Asian
person behind the wheel of a car.

Cindy, after the show
you think maybe you could...

come back to my crib
and hang out with me?

- I don't wanna be alone.
- Oh, of course I will, Brenda.

Oh, love you.
Pay my way, okay?

George! What's up?
Man with the tightest rap game.

What's up, bro? Huh? What's good?
What's good with you, boy?

Finally, the white man is gonna
school the black man on how to rap.

- Yeah, word.
- Yeah, I guess.

- How many people are here you think?
- 200 whitey-hatin'chrome packin'...

ready to bust a cap in any white
boy's ass who ain't bringin' that shit.

- Yeah. At least.
- Word! What's wrong, George?

You ever wonder when it's
time to stop living up here...

...and start livin' down here?
- No!

Or what if we stop livin' over
here and move over there?

My aunt ShaNeequa used to live over
there, man. But that bitch got evicted.

- Word? What for?
- Mice.

- Mice? thought she had rats.
- Rats are outside, mice are inside.

But what if a mouse goes outside?
Does it become a rat?

If a rat is in the house,
is it mouse?

- I ain't never seen no mouse outside.
- That's because it's a rat, fool!

Damn! Yeah, you mighta just made
fact just now. That's some real shit.

- What are you guys talking about?
- George, you need somethin'?

'Cause will do anything for you.
Anything.

Well, about those, uh, chrome packin'
whitey-hatin' gangsters, perhaps...

- What he need is a hype man!
- Word!

- Yeah! There, come on!
- You can be his Spliff Star.

That's me, that's what do.
That's my job, baby!

You know it!
Watch it!

I'm cool, that's what I do.
You got a hype man.

You take them hits.
Yeah, let's get out there, man.

Heaven pray tell,
what is it gonna be?

You cannot escape
your fake industry

Okay? I count cash
You count sheep

You better not sleep
when the beating complete

All right. All right. That was hot!
That's what I'm talkin' about!

That was hot, right? Right?
What do you think?

I thought you were both
absolutely dreadful.

- Ghastly.
- What?

I don't know what I'm doing here.
This club is totally pathetic.

- Everybody put your hands
- This is it. You ready, George?

- It' showtime.
- Okay.

I just wanna let you know, man that...

no matter what goes on
that stage tonight...

...you're gonna always be in my heart.
- Oh, that's love right there.

- I love you.
- That's what I'm talkin' about.

- I love you, man.
- That's what I'm talking about.

- Can you feel my love in your ear?
- Come here you guys.

- All right!
- I can't get around!

- Come on, dog.
- You do good tonight, all right?

Okay, you do that thing
out there tonight. Okay, cool.

- We love each other.
- All right, all right.

- I'm gonna go bring you on.
- Let's do it, baby! We hyped!

Y'all ready for the next throw down?

To my left we have the champion
hailing from Fort Apache in the Bronx.

- BS!
- Some of y'all call him...

"Jealous One Still Envy." Some of
y'all call him the "Don Cartagena"!

- Some of y'all call him "Joey Crack".
- Stick 'em up!

But tonight,
let's give it up for Fat Joe.

- I gotta go against him?
- Give it up! Give it up!

What, you think they're here
to see Fat Joe?

- Joe! Joe! Joe!
- No, they're sayin': "Go! Go! Go!"

Now our challenger.

The kid is a farmer rapper, so you
know he been kickin' the shit all day!

Let's give it up
for my man George!

- Come on, everybody.
- That's right!

Joey Crack, you the reigning
champion, so you get to speak first.

DJ, spin that shit!

This guy can't be
serious right here.

Standin' Miny Me aka hope
he ain't the one you fight with.

Hey, yo, the kid got my corn
and he ain't got no skills

- 'Cause he's all right
- But he's not real

Don't mean to hurt yo' feelings
But you'll never get a deal

Because he's all right
but he's not real

You're a needle in the haystack
I'm the Don, a city slicker

Forget cows and milk
yo' mom's titty

Let his niggah end up having kids
with his cousin! Has he started?

His number one fan be like
That mean Fat Joe's the man!

You're a liar in denial! Kill yo'
ass quicker than died in that fire!

How dare you wanna jous with me?

Lookin' like you down to
solve the mad cow disease

Out to battle me
Eight miles down the road

Okay, let's go!
Wait a minute!

Alright, that was hot.
That was tight, Fat Joe.

Now everybody, give it up
for my man, George!

DJ, spin that shit! Pitch.

Go, go, everybody!

Bitch!

Ho!

Now everybody in the throw your
hands in the air. Fat Joe is through

Everybody in the throw 'em up

Check it out.

I'm a white boy, but my neck is red
put Miracle Whip on Wonder bread

My face is pale, nah
never been in jail

Me and Buffy spend
every winter in vail

How many bitches
have I slapped? Zero

And Martha Stewart
happened to be my hero

I grew up on a farm and
was born with no rhythm

Doctor Phil's my uncle
and like to hang with him

I can't dance wear khaki pants

My middle name's Lance
My grandma's from France

So maybe I'm whack 'cause
my skin ain't black

But you can't talk smack 'cause
whitey just struck back!

What you talking about?

Give it up for George!

Yeah! That's my boy right there!

Oh, shit. Ooh!

George! George! The hood!
Lose the hood!

- I know. We're in the hood now!
- No, man!

- He's a dead man.
- You guys feelin' me in the hood?

That's it. I'm done.

Oh, man, you can't give
up rap just like that.

Rap shma.

But look, you still got it! See?

Thanks for comin' over tonight.
I'm just going through a rough time.

Brenda, you wanna tell me
what's really bothering you?

Well, there's something
I need to... I saw a tape.

I think. you should know about it.
It had these really shocking images.

Brenda, it was Mardi Gras.
I never drank vodka before.

No, not that tape, Cindy. Well,
I guess it's just an urban legend.

You watch it, and as soon as it's
over, your phone rings, and a...

creepy voice says:
"You're gonna die in seven days."

Then seven days later...

- When did you watch it?
- A week ago.

- A week ago tonight.
- Brenda...

Oh, my God!

Brenda!
Brenda! Oh, my God!

- Oh! Oh, my God, you bitch!
- Ketchup!

You should have seen
the look on your face!

And you got me!

Brenda? Brenda?

Oh, my God, Brenda!

I can't believe you fell
for that fake seizure!

- But it seemed so real!
- It did, didn't it?

- And you peed.
- Yeah! really sold that shit, didn't I?

I just love the look on your
face when you are scared!

And I got you with
the old fake hand!

- Oooh! Girl, you were scared!
- Well, I know!

- Oh, come on, I was just kidding.
- You've taken it too far, Brenda.

I'm gonna go get the
rest of the popcorn.

- Cindy!
- Forget it, I am not falling for it again.

Oh, come on.
Cindy, the news is on!

Another little white
girl fell down the well!

50 black people get their
ass beat by police today...

but the whole world gotta stop for
one little whitey down the hole!

Cindy!

The TV is leaking!

Cindy! Cindy,
something's wrong here!

Cindy, this bitch is
messin' up my floor!

- Cindy! Help me!
- I'm not listening.

Get up, you little ugly bitch!
Come on! Let me see what you got!

What you gonna do?
That's all?

I'm whuppin' her ass, Cindy!
What's up?

Cindy? Please help me!
Cindy!

Okay, hang on a second.

- Hello.
- Father Muldoon here.

- We're gettin' along famously.
- Thanks again, Father. Buh-bye.

Brenda? Brenda?

Brenda?

Oh my God. Yes, of course
I'll tell him. Thank You.

Sue's teacher, Brenda...
she's dead.

- I better tell her.
- No. I can do it.

- Sue...
- Yes.

- You know your teacher, Miss Brenda?
- Yeah.

She's dead!

Gone forever!
Died a horrible, painful death!

- Gone, gone, just like your dog!
- My dog's dead?!

I just ran him over with
the car when I drove in.

Everyone you love is dying.

- Hello, Father.
- Don't call me Father.

I haven't been a clergyman since...

I'm sorry about that night.

If I hadn't fallen asleep while
driving for that exact 20 minutes...

if hadn't drank that exact
whole bottle of Jaegermeister...

...if only I hadn't killed that hooker...
- Sayaman! Sayaman!

I don't see what any of
this has to do with Annie.

I'm sorry. Those were other nights.
But if it had been that night...

I might have missed her.
That terrible night...

- It's your wife, Father. She's hurt.
- Annie?

She was hit by a truck and
she's pinned against a tree.

- I don't understand.
- As long as the truck has har pinned...

...she'll stay alive.
- I still don't get it.

This is your wife.

She broke her wiener?

Look what happens to the taco.

I don't understand all this fancy
medical lingo. I wanna see Annie.

- She's split in half.
- Down the middle in half?

- At the waist.
- This is the last time I can talk...

...to the top half?
- Yes. The truck is holding her together.

Let's say this is her bottom half. Can
I squeeze in a few minutes with that?

- I'm not sure what you mean.
- Let me explain.

Tom. Go to her.

Tom, I'll need a ride home.

- Hey, baby...
- Tom...

- How's it goin'?
- Oh, I'm dying, Tom.

Don't talk like that.
The truck barely hit you.

Honey, kiss me one last time.

Promise me you'll never remarry.

I promise.

And no sex, either.

- I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
- No sex.

Honey, you're not speaking clearly.
Your injuries must be awful.

Cruel fate. to shroud my wife's
dying words in mystery.

- No sex.
- We hardly knew her.

- She'll be missed terribly.
- Oh, Jesus.

- That's right, honey, go into the light.
- Look!

- Just tell George to swing away.
- Right. Swing away.

Oh, sure. That, you understand.

Annie!
Annie!

- I'm sorry, dude.
- Don't call me dude.

I'm not a stoner anymore.
Not since...

Good-bye, Tom.

I'm so sorry,
Mr. and Mrs. Meeks.

Brenda was a good friend,
when she was alive.

My sweet, sweet Brenda.
She looks so peaceful.

If only God had taken us
instead of our daughter.

And knowing your Brenda like I did,
I'd say she wishes the same thing.

These just came today.
Photos from a trip she took.

- They're blank.
- Turn them around, honey.

Oh. Yes, of course.

- Who is this?
- Ralph. He's right over there.

- Cody?
- It's a boy.

He's going to be an asshole.

Smoke all you want.
You're gonna get hit by a bus.

That's not fooling anyone.

- Cindy!
- George!

Sue wanted to pay her
respects to her teacher.

- Brenda was my bitch.
- Of course.

- Are you okay?
- It's just the open coffin.

I can't believe they'd just
leave it out here like this.

- George, it's a wake.
- Awake?! Brenda! It's a miracle.

I thought you were dead!
Sue, your teacher's alive.

- Hello?
- I got your back, George! got your back!

- She's alive!
- Let me tell you...

- She's alive! Brenda! Hello?
- She's dead.

We won't lose you again!

Nothing!

- She's not breathing.
- No!

Don't worry. Live! Damn it!
Live! Damn it, live!

Don't stop.

- What are they doing?
- She's alive.

She's alive, she's alive.
Wake up! That's my baby!

Clear!

Got something! Got something!

- That's it.
- George.

That's the last time I try to bring
anyone back from the dead.

Don't get down on yourself.

I know you were only trying to help.
You're a good and caring person.

Which is why I like you.

Thanks, Cindy, but I don't want
to screw your life up, too.

The most caring thing I could do for
everyone is to just get out of here.

George! What about Sue?

- Yes. Of course. Once I get Sue, then...
- Wait!

I could really use
a friend right now.

Brenda's gone, Cody resents me...

and I'm caught up in
something I can't even...

- Oh, God, it's so hard.
- Well, you're beautiful...

and you're pressing
up against me.

Look, Cindy...

I know you'd never consider
going out with a guy like me, but...

if you're not too busy
tomorrow night...

- Is that a yes?
- Yes.

Cindy, did Brenda ever
talk to you about a tape?

She did mention something. Do you
mind if I go upstairs and look around?

Yes, go. Of course. Go.

Cody, I'll be right back, okay?

You're getting lucky tonight.
He doesn't know you're a guy.

Oh, shit.

- Hello?
...days.

- What? Willie Mays?
...even days.

- Who's gay? Hello?
...ear me now?

- What?
- Can you... ear... e... now?

- Kind of.
- Can you hear me now?

- Yes. Perfect.
- Seven days.

Seven days? Oh, my God.
I'm gonna die next Monday?

Yes. No, wait. Monday?
That would be seven business days.

This is seven days starting now.

Seven days to this very hour?
My watch broke.

How will
I know the exact hour?

Forget hours. This day,
seven days from now.

But there's a holiday coming up.
Do you count the holiday as a day?

Well, that depends.
What holiday?

- Martin Luther King day.
- Then no.

Why not? Everybody at
work is taking it off.

Jesus Christ, I'm giving
you seven freaking days.

I can come over now and kill
you if you'd rather have that...

I don't care what you say. I'm signing
you up for another rap battle.

- That part of my life is over.
- I said the same thing about...

...CJ's sister and I'm still hitting that.
- She fine as shit! That's my sister!

- What?
- It doesn't matter. I'm done.

- What will you do with your life?
- I don't know.

Yeah, yeah! Oh, come on!

Maybe my brother was right.
Maybe I should just settle down.

- Motha...
- I got another one, y'all!

Yo, George, man... you can't focus
on that shit, man. Let that go.

Hey, you wanna try
this shit, George?

- You gotta take the lid off!
- Oh, yeah, of course.

Sorry!

- Hello?
- Something terrible's happened!

I really need help!

- Are you okay? What's going on?
- George, you have to help me.

I just watched this tape,
the same tape that killed Brenda...

then the phone rang and this voice said
that I was gonna die in seven days.

Cindy, there's no such thing...

...as a killer videotape.
- Yeah, there is!

- I know somebody who could help you.
- You do? Who?

Wait up, man. I heard Jamal from 90th
ST he watched that tape last week.

- And this morning, he woke up dead.
- How do you wake up dead?

- You're alive when you go to sleep.
- Who can help me?

Can you go to bed dead...

...and wake up alive?
- You can't go to bed, dead, man!

- That shit would be redundant!
- Just tell me who!

You can go to bed and not be dead,
and you can die, but not be in a bed.

But you are in a bed, that's how you
wake up dead in the first place, fool!

That's some quantum shit right there,
man. You should be teaching classes!

- Just tell me who can help me!
- Damn!

My aunt ShaNeequa! Her and
her man are into this weird shit!

They saw the tape
before anybody.

- You should go see them tonight.
- Tonight?

But who will take care of Cody?

We're gonna have so much fun!
I have jigsaw puzzles...

board games and baseball cards.
And this really cool model airplane.

- I'm gonna go get it.
- Sure.

I made him a snack and you can
give him some milk if he can't sleep.

- Don't worry, everything will be fine.
- Here it is!

I'm great with kids. Heads up, Cody!

- And in case of emergencies...
- I'm okay.

I'm sorry. You okay, kiddo?
Thatta boy.

- Okay, I'm off.
- Right.

You know, it's funny. All a child
ever really wants is a family.

- I know.
- Cody really likes you.

Oh, he's a good kid.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Hello?
- I know. You're Cindy.

- Be right with you.
- Aunt ShaNeequa?

Bingo. But you can call me The Oracle.
And don't worry about that vase.

What vase? Oh, sorry.
I didn't know.

That vase.

Please, sit.

It was the chair.

Yes, the chair.
I know why you've come.

A great mystery lies ahead, but you
must not shy away from the challenge.

Only you can be
the one who will...

- Orpheus.
- What, baby?

Sweetie?

I'm watching the game.

Do you mind?

The Lakers will win by 12.

- So can you tell me about...
- The tape?

- Yes. I watched it and then...
- The phone rang.

- Right. And then this voice said...
- That you would die in seven days.

- Okay, that's getting...
- Extremely annoying.

- Yeah.
- Try being married to her.

I catch shit about women
I ain't slept with yet.

You made a copy of
the tape. Let's see it.

Yes, okay.

- Can you tell me if...
- The tape is connected to the...

crop circles and the aliens?
Yes. But it's up to you...

to discover how for yourself.

- Look, it's a...
- Cigarette.

I was going to say lighthouse.

Find that lighthouse.
It's your destiny.

Wait. What is that?

Oh, my God.

There we go.

Baby...

- I knew that was gonna happen.
- Uh-oh. Come on.

Oh, hell no! Get your
ass out of that TV!

What's wrong with you? I'm gonna
teach you something! Get out that TV!

Baby, no! No! Let her go! We gonna
get another lawsuit! Come on!

She spit on me!
I'ma kill the bitch!

That's it! You won! You won!

You won. Upstairs. Down low.

- All right? Baby, no!
- Kill her!

- Is you crazy?
- Baby!

What you gonna brush now?
What you gonna brush now?

Get back! You picked the
wrong TV to come out of!

George? Cody?

George?

- What happened?
- I don't know.

Cody and I were playing a fun game,
and then I looked down and...

Yahtzee!

No!

Oh, my God! How could you
let him watch the tape?

I didn't...

- Hello?
- It's me. How ya doing?

- Fine.
- Enjoying your last week?

I can't wait to see you.
six days now, right?

- Yeah.
- Wait, It was great cathing up.

Can I speak to Cody?

- Why? He didn't watch the tape.
- Yes, he did.

- Come on, I do this for a living.
- Leave us alone!

- Hello?
- I'm calling from Readers Digest...

with a fantastic offer for Cody.

No, you're not! You're that
evil little girl from the tape!

Can I just leave a message for him?

Fine Yeah.

Okay. How do you spell that?
Right. Okay, got it. Bye.

- I can't believe you let that happen.
- I know. I'm sorry, I screwed up.

Listen, we can still save him!
The answer to the tape, to your...

crop circles, it's at a lighthouse.
You think I'm crazy, don't you?

Oh, of course I do but the last thing
you need now is a screw up like me.

- I'm gonna leave, for good.
- Wait.

- What should I tell Cody?
- Let him down easy.

Tell him I got called away on business.
You'll think of something.

Testicular cancer.
He won't ask questions.

- I knew you'd understand.
- George! Be careful.

Something weird is going
on at your farm, I know it.

I don't know what
you are talking about.

Sometimes a sheep just needs
to be pushed through the fence.

- What?
- Good-bye, Cindy.

- Sue?
- I can't sleep.

Well, it's way past your bedtime.

Would you rock me to sleep
in your big, strong arms?

There's plenty of room under
the covers. It's a hot night.

You don't need to wear pajamas.

- Where is my daughter?
- Are you mad? I am your daughter.

No, you're not!

Come here!

- What did you do with Sue?
- I didn't touch her, I swear.

- I don't believe you!
- Please, for God's sake!

- She's a girl!
- You sick...

Daddy?

How do you like it?
Having fun?

Tom! Are you...

What in the world?

Look!

- What is that thing?
- I don't know.

Maybe Cindy was right.

- Please, all I need is 5 minutes.
- I told you, no more paranoid on air...

...rants about the supernatural.
- I know.

This station is about sex,
violence and the weather.

That reminds me. We're gonna
need that porn star shot dead...

in a hurricane story. One hour.

Meanwhile, a tornado in Charleston
threatens a clothing optional beach...

where, just yesterday a naked
couple was brutally murdered.

I'm sorry, but I have to do this!

Turning now to sports.

An evil videotape that kills anyone
who watches it, in seven days...

- It's true, we're all in danger.
- Oh, no!

That's trying to prevent you
from knowing the truth.

Campbell, are you insane?

- Carson, I have to do this.
- Correction, there is no danger.

Actually, I didn't really
mean anything I just said.

Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone
watching this could be dead in a week.

"Oh shizzle gizingar
butta-gutta-gutta...

gutta-gutta-gutta-gutta
basheetin wah-hari. 1-3-4-19...

Q 2-2 burse en blocken
bracket 4-6-9."

I've been cleaning after this dumb
ass cracker Giggins for 10 years.

I've been hitting it with his woman
for 12. Know what I'm saying, nigger?

She likes her some chocolate. Sharpton
for President, y'all. I'm outty.

Peace.

An evil videotape that
kills people in seven days...

alien forces threatening the world.
Who the hell is Cindy Campbell?

If what she says is true,
we're facing an unprecedented crisis.

- Get me the president.
- You are the president.

Then I already know about this.
Let's order lunch.

Sir, I think you need to go on TV...

and convince the people that there
is no such thing as a UFO.

Don't spell in front of me, damn it.

Alien, sir.
There's no such things as aliens.

- That's not quite true.
- Sir?

A year ago, a UFO
crash-landed in New Mexico.

- A body may have been recovered.
- May have been?

Well, there was a terrible mix-up.

It was Thanksgiving and the body
was sent down to the kitchen.

They shoved stuffing up its ass
and we ate it at a state dinner.

That's the last I saw of it.
No, scratch that.

- Sandwiches were made the next day.
- Mr. President! Listen to me carefully.

Back away from that window!

- I forget to put my pants on again?
- No, sir.

It's just a feeling I've been
having since the news...

about the aliens.
Something's not right.

I know what you mean. Like that
feeling that something's not right.

- What is it?
- Some old Tupac, sir.

- "All Eyez on Me." This is banging.
- Thank you, sir. I appreciate it.

Hello, Cindy.

I'm The Architect.
You have many questions.

I've been watching you
for a very long time.

So I see. But what is the connection
between the crop circles and the tape?

The answer is simple. You are
the eventuality of an anomaly.

You are inexorably seeking
a sedulant probability.

- "Sedulant?"
- "Grotesquerie?" No?

What about "contingent affirmation"?
That's gotta mean something.

You put cameras in my bathroom?!

I can't... What is this? Oh, my
God! Well, it was a long winter, I...

- This is an invasion of...
- Oh, sorry.

I can't help it. It's
very lonely in here.

Ergo, I haven't been with
anyone in a very long time.

Not counting myself.
Or this chair.

I call her... Linda.

Could you just cut to the chase?
I'm kind of in a rush.

Why? You could always sleep over
if you want. Linda's built for two.

- And she vibrates.
- Stop! Who is that little girl?

Okay, okay.

My wife and I wanted a child,
but she couldn't get pregnant.

- Neither could I.
- So you adopted.

We loved our daughter, but she was
evil. Made the horses crazy...

killed our puppies, hid the
remote. Really sick shit.

My wife took her to the old family
farm and drowned her in the well.

I felt a simple time out
would have been sufficient.

But Tabitha imprinted
her evil on a videotape.

- I never meant for it to get out...
- But what?

I put it in the wrong box and
returned it to Blockbuster...

instead of my copy
of "Pootie Tang".

It's been circulating
and killing ever since.

Just like "Pootie Tang".

What does this have
to do with the aliens?

I don't know.

Perhaps Tabitha's summoning
them to kill us all.

An alien invasion?
I have to warn the world.

- It's already begun. You're too late.
- Oh, my God.

But not too late to make
an old man happy.

What?
What?

And now, reports of lights
in the sky...

glimpses of spacecraft...

possible alien sightings being reported
all over the world. Are they aliens?

The first video images are coming
in. Disturbing home video...

from a ranch outside Sydney.

Watch very carefully now.

There it is. Let's see that again.

Very, very disturbing.

And this just in from
São Paulo, Brazil.

Let's see that again.

Very, very disturbing.

And this just in
from south Texas.

Do they pose a threat?
Only one thing's for certain.

We are all going to be killed.
We have to board up the house.

Are you sure this is necessary? An
awards ceremony at a time like this?

Yes, sir. Everything must
appear business as usual.

The nation, while not yet
panicked, is deeply disturbed.

Let's see if we can steer that course
keeping everybody deeply disturbed.

We don't want a panic.

Very few Presidents have
faced a crisis like this.

I wonder what President
Ford would have done.

Well, the buck stops here.
The buck stops here.

Thank you all and
welcome to the White House.

The Mother Teresa Awards recognize
those who have overcome...

the severest handicaps
and disadvantages...

to help others in their communities.

The young, the old, black and white,
our Native American friends.

Hey, how are ya? Hey, how are ya?
Hey, how are ya? Hey, how are ya?

Well. It is therefore my honor to
present each and every one of you...

with this symbol of merit.

- The room is secure, Mr. President.
- Or is it?

- Sir?
- I've been thinking.

What if they could take over human
bodies? They'd look just like us.

I never thought of that. We should
be on alert for anything suspicious.

- They could be anywhere. Even...
- Right here. My God.

We'd never see the attack coming.
It's frightening, sir!

Don't panic.

We'll just move slowly
toward the exit.

At last we meet, Mr. President.

It's happening! I knew it!
You'll never take me alive!

- She's scrambling my brain!
- I got her!

- Oh, no, you don't! Not on my watch!
- Good work, sir!

Good God! The small ones have metal
teeth. Jerry's Kids, my ass!

Mr. President! Mr. President,
have you gone completely insane?

Like a fox.
We've gotta talk to...

the one person who saw
this coming. Cindy Campbell.

She knows how to defeat the
aliens, this filthy rotten scum!

Go, you hideous creature!
Get off my planet!

- He didn't mean it!
- Mr. President, everything all right?

- The exits are all blocked!
- I'll find one, sir!

Everybody clear!

- This way, sir! God, this is exciting!
- You're excited?

You should feel my nipples.

Cody?
Cody?

Cody, where are you?
Honey?

After today's incident in
the East Room, the White House...

is now advising all citizens
to board up their homes...

and prepare for
an alien invasion.

Oh, no.

And now, a News 8 exclusive.

The killer videotape you've
been hearing about.

We're the only station that has it
and we're showing it all night.

Very exciting. Let's roll it again.

There. Nobody's getting
through that sucker.

That's great, George, but we
have to get down to the cellar.

- George.
- Cindy.

There's no time.
Get down to the cellar.

I've been worried sick about you!

He just showed up
about an hour ago.

- I tried to call.
- No, he didn't.

- Okay, but I was gonna.
- No, he wasn't.

- You can't just run away like that.
- I wanted to be with George.

- I know you want a dad, but...
- Oh, trust me, Cody...

I'm not good at anything.
Why would I be good at that?

Uncle George!

- It's gonna be okay, Cody.
- I'm going to die, aren't I?

Did I ever tell you what your mom said
about you the day you were born?

I was in the delivery room with her.
She was having a hard time.

Then you began to come out of her.

Your mom screamed
and screamed in pain.

She yelled, "Just kill me.
Bludgeon me with a bedpan.

Whatever you do,
put me out of this pain".

She was gushing torrents of blood.

I have this on tape if
you wanna see it someday.

Well, finally you came out. Your mom
cut your umbilical cord herself.

Well, on the second try.

The first time she snipped your penis
in half. After all, she was drunk.

Actually, drugged.
We'd been out the night before...

celebrating Saint Patrick's Day.

She thought, "Hey, I never tasted
crystal meth." So she did a little.

- My penis?
- Yes. They sewed it on upside-down.

- So that's why I pee up?
- Yes. We'll get it fixed, honey.

Right after we get TiVo. Anyway,
there you were and your mom...

turned to me and she said: "Hey, you
want him? Take him." Then she died.

And I took you.
Do you know why?

I just lost my cat in a fire, and
I needed something to pet and feed.

I miss that cat, Cody, but I love you
and nothing's ever gonna change that.

Not even the very painful death
we're about to experience.

George!

- Are they gone?
- I don't hear anything.

- Don't worry, Sue. It's all right.
- It was Uncle George.

Well, it's scary.

Good work, Sue.

I don't know what stupid, idiotic
thing made these lights go off.

There's some spare fuses
in the crawlspace.

If I can get to them
I can get these lights back on.

Quick, George! Grab that railroad
tie and jam it against the door!

My balls!

Not those! Jesus!
No!

- Uncle George, I'm scared.
- Sweetie, come here. It's okay.

There's something on the
other side of the door.

I can't see anything.

- Oh, my God.
- Can you see? What are they doing?

They're horrible. They're grayish with
black eyes. Their teeth are grotesque.

- I think they're giggling.
- What?

Oh, no. Oh, no, I think...
I think they wanna...

- Help!
- Cody!

George! Swing away, George.

I'm coming, Cody. I'll save you!
Die!

Die, damn alien! Let him go!

You're not getting in here!
What else you got?

- Bring it! There! Had enough?
- Forget it, Cody. Thank me later.

Cody, oh, thank God! Come on!

- Daddy! Daddy!
- Sue!

- Mahalik! What are you doing here?
- The hood's always got your back!

- There's two of them at the door.
- What?

They're gone.

Good. They couldn't get in.
I hear they can't open doors.

They mastered space flight, but they
can't get through a wooden door?

The cellar's the safest place. I say
all women and children stay here.

- The men, we go outside and fight.
- What's the cut-off age for children?

Come on!

Follow me.

I'm sorry. I thought
I was hitting the brake.

Now we don't have to go
through insurance, do we?

Mr. President, what
are you doing here?

Looking for Cindy Campbell. She may
hold the key to defeating the aliens.

Ah, good! The Air Force is here
with those new round planes.

We don't have round planes, sir.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

Wait. Do you hear that?

- What's up, George?
- CJ!

I told you, the hood always got your
back! And I got the boys with me.

- Get out of the car, man.
- Yo, who we gotta shoot?

You all ready to go step Well, let's
go do this, 'cause I'm hyped right now.

- You stepped on my shoe, bitch!
- Call me another bitch again and I'll...

...park your truck dead in your ass.
- Calm down, man.

- Damn, homey.
- In the cornfield.

- They're coming!
- Don't worry about that.

Me and my boys will take care of this.
Come on! Let's go ahead and...

- If I was you, I'd bust this shit now.
- Your mama!

- I got your number, too.
- We over here!

We ain't gonna bust nothing.
I got nuts bigger than him.

- Your country ass making short, nigger.
- Y'all want some of this?

Get down!
Get down!

- I can't believe what I just saw.
- These men died for their country.

Send flowers to
their bitches and hos.

I can't break free!

They must have some
kind of weakness.

I found it! Without their
heads, they're powerless!

Please, no.
We mean you no harm.

We traveled to your planet
to find an evil little girl.

We must destroy her
before seven days.

You mean,
you watched the videotape?

Our satellite picked up what
we thought was "Pootie Tang".

That was a week ago and
now our entire race will die...

unless the girl is destroyed.

- See? They are peaceful.
- If they're so peaceful, man...

...why were they choking us?
- Oh, that's how we say hello.

- Hello! Nice to see you.
- Hello!

How do you guys say good-bye?

- I had to ask.
- If you think that's strange...

you should see how we pee.

So we're not so different after all.

There's something about this place.
It's like I've seen it before.

Oh, my God.

This used to be their farm!
She died right here!

There's something down there.

Push back.
Yeah! He's got it.

Just look at this. Human beings
and aliens working together.

We're all just one big
galactic family.

Family, that's just what I've been
running away from.

Well, that's because
you're an idiot.

This is it.

My wife took her to the old family
farm and drowned her in the well.

The little girl...
She's frightened of the well.

Cindy!

Time to go back
down the well, bitch.

- Cindy!
- No! Don't hurt him!

Cindy, you have to come outside.
The aliens aren't invading!

Don't worry, Cody! I'll save you!

Please! Wait. Don't do this.
You don't have to be evil.

I know what happened
to you, Tabitha.

I know what your mom did. That was
wrong. You were just a little girl.

You're still that
little girl, just...

a lot more corpsey and
with really bad teeth.

But maybe all you
need is a mother.

And a father.

- We could be...
- A family.

Thank you all.

Your love has broken the
curse and freed my soul.

- I'll never have to kill again.
- Really?

No. I'm just screwing with you.

I just want to tell you good luck.
We're all counting on you.

Now it's over.
No, it's okay.

- He's our friend.
- Thank you for saving our species.

- We must return to our home planet.
- Good-bye then.

Good-bye.

Hey, congratulations, George!

You know the hood
always got your back!

Yeah! yeah!

Thank you.

I'm so happy. Finally,
we're a family.

Yeah, you, me and...

Damn!

Cindy! George! Wait!

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