All language subtitles for SNL.The.Best.Of.Adam.Sandler.1999.DVDRip.XviD-Nile

It's the holiday season and
Santa is checking his list

to see who was
naughty or nice.

And I'm kinda
feeling guilty,

so I wrote a song.

"So many presents..."

"So little time..."

"Santa won't be coming..."

"by my house this year..."

'Cause I tried
to drown my sister...

"and I pierced my ear..."

"Oh, Mama made it
perfectly clear..."

"Santa don't like bad boys..."

"especially Jewish ones...
(laughter)

"G nip-G nop
and Lego blocks...

"are what I desire...

"So, Why'd I have to set...

"the pizza guy's
hair on fire?

"L told him
I was sorry..."

"I'm a liar..."

"so, no toys for me..."

"I don't deserve 'em...

"I couldn't wait
for a Big Wheel..."

"as the holiday neared..."

"but then I told
my grandma"

"that she had a beard."

(laughter)

(speaking)
Dear Santa,

I know what
my problem is,

why I can't be good.

It's a fear
of intimacy.

You see, my whole life,
wheneverl met...

someone really great,
like you,

and I keep feeling
I'm getting too close to them,

something inside me makes me
want to screw it up.

So, in a weird way,
the reason I'm so bad,

is because I love you
so much, Santa.

"Rock 'em-Sock 'em
Robots...

"is what I was
hoping for...

"but then I made
a death threat..."

"to Vice-President Gore..."

"Oh, Santa won't be
knocking on my door..."

“cause he's
a big, fat whore...

(laughter)

"What made me say that?

"Chutes and Ladders..."

"would be so good,
indeed,"

"so, Why'd I have to sell
that cop a bag of weed?"

(laughter)

"So, Santa, please,"

"give me
my EZ-Bake oven,"

"I swearl thought billy goats
were made for lovin'."

(laughter)

"So, Santa, won't you accept
my apologies?

"Santa, can't you see,

.¢I-,n begging yo",
Phase,

"oh, Santa, next year
I'll do you right,"

"live from New York,"

"it's Saturday Night."

Tonight's a really
special night for me.

Ten years ago,
someone gave me my first break

by putting me
in a music video.

And...

that person just happens
to be here tonight.

Come on.

(screams and applause)

(playing "Dancing in the Dark")

(cheers and applause)

"I get up in the evening,

"and I ain't got
nothing to say.

"L come home in the morning,

"I go to bed
feeling the same way.

"L ain't nothing but tired,

"and I'm just tired
and bored with myself.

"Hey there baby,

"I could use
just a little help.

"You can't start a fire,

"you can't start a fire
without a spark,"

"this gun's for hire,"

"even if we're just
dancin' in the dark."

That's great, thank you.
We got a great show tonight...

"My senses
keep getting clearer,"

"radio's on and I'm moving
'round the place."

"L take my look
in the mirror,"

(singing unintelligibly)

"and I ain't gettin'..."

(singing unintelligibly)

'...There's something
happening somewhere.'

" "somewhere --

- "Baby, I just know there is."
- "I just know there is."

"You can't start a fire,

"you can't start a fire
without a spark,"

"this gun's for hire,"

"even if we're just
dancin' in the dark."

Bruce Springsteen,
ladies and gentlemen!

(cheers and applause)

"You can't start a fire,

"worrying about your little
world falling apart,"

"this gun's for hire,"

"even if we're just
dancin' in the dark."

Thank you, Bruce. We got a
great show, so, stick around --

"Stay on the streets
of this town,"

"and they'll be
carving you up all night."

"They say you gotta
stay hungry..."

We got a great show
tonight.

The Dave Matthews Band is here!
We'll be right back.

(cheers and applause)

Those look great.

- Definitely.
- Are you sure?

They're even bigger
than the last pairl bought,

and those
were pretty huge.

Did you cinch them?

I tried them
with a belt.

No, you can't do that!
You've gotta cinch 'em.

Yeah, we told you
to cinch 'em.

Just paper bag them out
and cinch 'em.

Well, you know,
it's just --

You just gotta cinch 'em
and then you'll see.

You'll love them.

Okay?
so! 'WE.

(laughter)

He was so
not my type.

Oh, wait,
did I tell you?

I finally saw
"A Few Good Men" last night.

Really? I haven't seen that.
How was that?

Oh, okay. Tom Cruise is like,
a lawyer or something.

And he's all ..

"L want the truth
about the war."

and Jack Nicholson's all,

"You can't handle
the truth."

and Tom Cruise is all,
"But I want it anyways,"

or whatever.
It was good.

(laughter)

Tom Cruise
is so yummy.

I'm sorry,
but Jack Nicholson was hotter.

- Would you?
- Definitely.

- You're such a whore!
- I know.

You should get a job
at Banana Republic

with the rest
of those sluts.

Would you even use
one of their changing rooms?

Yeah, I'd use
their changing room,

ifl wanted to get
body lice.

- On, ma, mm "ma."
- n u.

- How do you know Todd?
- Oh, he's kind of my boyfriend.

I don't think so.
He's kind of mine.

Oh! I10!

- What's up?
- I can't believe this.

I had a one-nighter with both
those skanks last month.

(laughter)

Todd, can I
talk to you?

Oh, no, dude,
you're busted.

- Meet you at Tater Junction.
- Yeah.

Uh, hi...

Lucy!

You know, my friend
over there, Christy,

told me something
very interesting.

Oh, 5 Yeah.

I feel real sorry
for her.

What do you mean?

Well, I saw her
last month at a party,

and she was
pretty drunk.

I gave her a ride home
as a favor,

and she tried
to kiss me.

- Well, did you?
- No, I'm seeing you.

Look, I just wanted
to get her home safely

'cause she was
so wasted.

Well, she is
kind of an alky.

Well, why haven't you called me
for the last three weeks?

I've been.
I did last night,

it was busy
for three hours.

I've got
call waiting.

I know, that's why
I was so freaked out.

- Wow, that is weird.
- I was scared. That's why I came over.

- You didn't come over.
- Yes, I did. I banged on the door.

I don't have a door.
I have a gate.

- I know, I cut my hand on it.
- There's no cut.

I know, it healed. That's what
I'm trying to tell you.

Look, if you're not
gonna listen, forget it.

No, Todd!

I'm the whore!

I'm the whore!

You're good
and I'm so bad.

It's okay, baby-

We'll work it out.
We always do.

Now, go over there and
help out those customers

and I'll straighten out your
friend over here, all right?

Yeah, she's all
weirded out.

Hey, beautiful.

Screw you, Todd.
I'm not talking to you.

Fine,

but that girl over there,
who's your friend,

you'd better
watch her.

I will.

Why, though?
What do you mean?

She thinks I look like
some guy she's dating.

Oh, be cool.
Here comes my manager.

Act like
a customer.

(laughter)

Uh, Chrissy,
what's going on?

9h, hi, Cindy.
Okay, sir,

these are dark blue,

these are light blue, and these
are kind of medium blue.

Whatever.
Push the cable knits.

You are so
full of it, Todd.

Good,
don't believe me.

You're obviously looking for
an excuse to break up with me.

No, wait.

Where were you last night?
You stood me up.

You stood me up. I was at
Googjfs waiting for you.

I was at Googy's,
but I didn't see you.

I know,
I couldn't get in.

They were letting
everyone in.

I know. That's why I got into
a fight with the bouncer,

because I was bragging about
how much I was in love with you.

They don't
have a bouncer.

I know. That's what
I'm trying to tell you.

I'm sorry. It's just,
you weren't there

and I was all --
I was all...

It's okay, baby.

It's okay.
It's all about trust.

Is everything okay?

- Are you okay?
- Yes.

Hey, Todd.

L-| ey, Tracy.

I only have a 45-minute break
from Doughnut Hut

if you want
to hang out.

(laughter)

Yeah, all right.
I'll be right there.

(laughter)

Hey, I'll be right back.

Gotta get her over
to her therapy appointment.

She's a very,
very troubled girl.

- Help her, Todd.
- Go help her.

That's nice.

Tracy Westcott works
at Doughnut Hut now?

Yeah, apparently, she's taking
her work home with her...

in her butt.

(cheers and applause)

This is the great
housesitting deal you've found?

This place is a dump!

Just wait till
you see the pool.

No water?

(laughter)

You two look like
you need to get wet.

Thank you!

(laughter)

Whoooah!

(laughter)

If you've got a big thirst
and you're gay,

reach for a cold,
tall bottle of Schmitts Gay.

I think I'm gonna like
housesitting.

Ah...yeah.

(cheers and applause)

Now, recapping some of
this week's names in the news

is special "U palate"
correspondent Opera Man.

(cheers and applause)

(cheers and applause)

(applause)

...and hanging
on the car door...

was a bloody hook!

Ann“!

(laughter)

Hey, I got a ghost story,
Mr. Armstrong,

but I can't tell it
till Canteen Boy gets back.

Where is Canteen Boy?

He's right over there.

Canteen Boy,
come over here.

Hang on a sec, fellas.

Fellas, I got a bit
of a situation over here.

You can relax,
Canteen Boy.

That thing's made of wood.

So it is.

Good eye.

Hey, Canteen Boy.

I've got a really
scary ghost story.

Once upon a time,
there was a moron,

who always had a stupid canteen
wrapped around his neck.

Hey, I think I've heard
this tale before.

It was a dark
and stormy night,

and this moron
went into the woods.

And a huge bear came up

and ripped his head off

just 'cause
he looked so stupid!

The end!

(laughter)

You want to see
something really scary?

Look in a mirror.

Shut up,
Canteen Boy.

- You shut up.
- What's that?

Nothing.

All right, guys.
Lay off Canteen Boy.

You can hike on back
to your tents and hit the hay.

Let's go, scouts.
Move it.

Move it. Move it.
Not you, Canteen Boy.

I wanted to talk to you
about something.

I see you take a lot of ribbing
from the other scouts.

Goes with the territory,
Mr. Armstrong.

Sticks and stones.

Alta boy.

(audience groans)

You know, it seems like

the moment you get
out of the city,

all your problems

just sort of fade away.

(laughter and applause)

I'm sorry,
Canteen Boy,

my beard is scratchy,
isn't it?

No harm done.

(laughter)

My beard is scratchy,
Canteen Boy,

but it gives
good back rubs.

Right. I'll take a rain check
on that, Mr. Armstrong.

Whoops, my shirt fell off.

(laughter)

That's a quick fix,
Mr. Armstrong.

Just put it back on.

(laughter)

That's great, Canteen Bey.
Hey...

do you like wine?

Actually, I prefer
purified water

right out
of the old canteen here.

(laughter)

I'm going to get us
a little...wine.

All right. A little drop
wouldn't kill me, I guess.

(owl hooting)

Whoa-whoa to you.

Hey, owl, if you're so wise,
why don't you go to sleep?

It's the middle
of the night.

(laughter)

Ah, here's
to the great outdoors.

Whoops.

Was that your sleeping bag?

You'd better share mine.

It's extra large.

Sure, why not'?
Till mine dries off.

It won't take long.
It's made of Gore-Tex.

Canteen Boy,

would you...

rub some bug repellent
on my chest?

It's February,
Mr. Armstrong.

I think all the bugs
went down south to hibernate.

I'll be honest with you.

Humor me, Canteen Boy.

(laughter)

There you go.
No more bugs.

I have to apologize
for my hairy chest.

It can be a little scratchy.

My mom might like it.
She's a big Tom Selleck fan.

(laughter)

You're very funny,
Canteen Boy.

Make me laugh some more.

(laughter)

Actually, I left my joke book
over in the tent.

How about
I go get it?

That's okay, Canteen Boy.
Let's just lie here, and...

look at the stars.

Do you...

do you know how...

(laughter)

...how to play...

"Truth or Dare,"
Canteen Boy?

Refresh me.

(laughter)

You choose between
telling a secret...

or doing a dare.

All right, dare.

You know what, Mr. Armstrong?

Let's start off
with a truth.

I'll tell you a truth,
Canteen Boy.

You know what I hate'?

Underpants.

(laughter)

Gee. I think
if you're worried about bugs,

underpants would be
your last line of defense.

(laughter)

Problem solved.

Your problem's solved,

but I think my problem's
just beginning.

(laughter)

What the hell was that?

(cheers and applause)

I don't know.
It must have been a bed bug.

That was pretty big
for a bed bug.

(laughter)

Okay. It wasn't a bed bug.

Let's go back to saying
it was a bed bug.

(laughter)

Hey, you know what?
The park rangerjust called.

He said one camper
per sleeping bag.

Sorry.
Adios, amigo.

God, you make me laugh,
Canteen Boy.

(laughter)

I'm sorry, Canteen Boy.

I fell asleep
before anything happened.

No harm done.

Well, who's hungry?

I'm going to go make us
a power breakfast.

G Kay'

(whistling)

(rattling and hissing)

Canteen Boy,
have you ever had a mimosa?

Canteen Boy?

Canteen Boy,
you rascal.

(cheers and applause)

Tonight is the seventh night
of Hanukkah,

and hereto sing
a Hanukkah song...

is Adam Sandler.

(cheers and applause)

Thank you!

Thank you, thank you.

Thanks,
thanks very much.

Well, when I was a kid,

this time of year always

made me feel
a little left out,

because in school, there were
so many Christmas songs,

and all us Jewish kids had
was this song,

"Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel."

(laughter)

So I wrote a brand-new
Hanukkah song

for you Jewish kids to sing,
and I hope you like it.

"Futon your yarmulke,

"here comes Hanukkah.

"So much fun-ukkah,

"to celebrate Hanukkah.

"Hanukkah is...

"the festival of lights.

"Instead of one day
of presents,

"we have eight crazy nights.

"But when you feel like
the only kid in town

"without a Christmas tree,"

"here's a list of people
who are Jewish"

"just like you and me."

"David Lee Roth

"lights the menorah,

"so do Kirk Douglas,
James Caan,

"and the late
Dinah Shore-ah,

"Guess who eats together"

"at the Carnegie Deli,"

"Bowzer from Sha Na Na,
and Arthur Fonzarelli."

(laughter)

"Paul Newman's half Jewish,
and Goldie Hawn's half too,"

"put them together,"

"what a fine-looking Jew!"

(cheers and applause)

You...

"You don't need
"Deck the halls",

"or "Jingle Bell Rock",

" 'cause you can
spin a dreidel

"with Captain Kirk
and Mr. Spock, both Jewish!

"Futon your yarmulke,

"here comes Hanukkah.

"The owner of
the Seattle Supersonic-abs"

"celebrates Hanukkah."

"O.J. Simpson..."

not a Jew,

"but guess who is?
Hall of Famer Rod Carew!"

He converted.

"We got Ann Landers,

"and her sister,
"Dear Abby",

"Harrison Ford
is a quarter Jewish,"

"not too shabby."

(laughter)

"Some people think

"that Ebenezer Scrooge is."

"Well, he's not,
but guess who is --"

"all Three Stooges!"

(applause)

Oh, b0!!-

"So many Jews are in...

"showbiz,

"Tom Cruise isn't,

"but I think
his agent is.

"Tell your friend,
Veronica,

"it's time to
celebrate Hanukkah.

"L hope I get a harmonica

"on this lovely,
lovely Hanukkah.

"So drink
your gin and tonic-ah,

"but don't smoke
marijuana-kah.

"If you really,
really want-ukkah,"

"have a happy,
happy, hiPPy-n"

"happy Hanukkah."

Happy Hanukkah,
everybody!

Thank you.

Adam Sandler,
everybody!

(cheers and applause)

Yeah!

Norm!

Oh, my God.

- Thank you.
- The Great Sandu.

Oh, my!
He's a fine-looking Jew.

Right on!

That's all the news,
good night and good luck.

(applause)

Announcer:
And now, "The Denise Show,"

with your host, Brian.

Hi, everybody.
Welcome to "The Denise Show."

As you know,

Denise is the girl who broke up
with me five weeks ago.

Wasn't that big a deal.
She ripped open my chest...

and pulled out my heart,

but it's fine,
it's fine.

Everything3 okay.

So, let's move on
with the show.

Looks like we got
a phone call. Hello?

Caller: Brian, how you
holding up, man?

I'm okay.

All right, hang in there,
buddy. You the man.

Thanks.

I am the man.

Okay, if you're just tuning in,
we're taking calls.

Tonight's subject is Denise.

Have you seen her?

Has she said anything about me?

Let's take another call. Hello?

Hey, Brian, I saw Denise
at Friendly's with her parents.

- The one en Central Avenue?
- Oh, yeah.

Really?
Did she look happy?

Yeah, I guess so.

Good. Good for her.
That's great.

Seriously, that's really,
really good.

I can't tell you
how happy I am for her.

- Okay, man, see you later.
- Okay, good.

She deserves to be happy.
I'm glad. I really am.

All right, how's the time
in the show...

when I like to give Denise
a call and hang up on her.

(laughter)

(dialing)

(ringifl!)

Denise:
Hello?

(laughter and applause)

That was great.

(laughter)

Now, let's bring out
my first guest.

He lives down the street
from me,

and has known Denise
since kindergarten,

Daryl Fitzsimmons.

Hey, Brian.
What's up, man?

What's up?

Hey, Daryl, don't you think
Denise and I made a good couple?

Yeah, definitely.

I know, what's with her?

I don't know, man.

- Thanks for coming by, Daryl.
- Thanks.

(cheers and applause)

Let's move on to this week's
Denise trivia question.

The question is --

The answer is --

Hmm...l guess
in Chuck E. Cheese,

forever means "eight months."

(laughter)

Okay, now is about the time
on the show where I lose it.

(laughter)

And my dad calls up
and yells at me.

Here we go.

I can't believe
she did this to me!

It's not fair.
What did I do wrong, Denise?

Just tell me,
and I'll stop doing it.

Hello, Brian,
this is your father.

What?

What the hell
is wrong with you?!

You're embarrassing
the family!

I can't help it, Dad.

- Oh, stop it!
- She was everything to me.

- She was so soft.
- Be a man!

I can't understand
what you're saying!

Speak English!
Moron!

- You don't get it, man!
- Brian!

She's different!
Just butt out!

This is my life!
You don't own me!

(cheers and applause)

Okay, that was great.

(laughter)

Tonight we have a brand-new
segment for our show.

Let's call up the guy
I heard Denise has been dating,

and hang up on him.

(laughter)

(dial tone)

(ringifl!)

Man:
Hello?...Hello?

(laughter)

Hello...?

I'm going to kill you.

(laughter)

Who is this?

(laughter and applause)

O kfly'

That really was fun.

Now, every week on the show,

I like to take out an old note
Denise sent me,

and sigh painfully
as I read it.

This one was from
our three-week anniversary.

(whimperina)

(laughter)

(whining)

(long whine)

O kfly'

Now is the part of the show,

where I look
at Denise's picture,

and I talk to it.

(whining)
Why?

(laughter)

Why do you push me away, when
all I want to do is love you?

Take me back, Denise,
please.

Hello, Brian,
this is your father.

Butt out!

You don't understand!

N°sl hale ya"!
shlll up!

Brian...?
Brian, what are you doing?

What the hell is wrong with
you?

Hello, Denise.

(laughter)

Why you can't you get it?
It is over.

You and me are over.
Face reality...

We're not a couple.
Move on with your life.

Will you go back outwith me?

N1)!

Then the show must go on.

(laughter)

Next week,
my guests will be...

a girl who works with Denise
at the movie theater,

and a guy who sold her
some pants at Marshalls.

See you then.

(cheers and applause)

(light piano music)

(applause)

(applause)

Opera man,
before you leave,

I understand you have a brother
living in Italy?

Si.

And you haven't seen him
in a long time?

Si.

Well, I've got a little
Christmas surprise for you.

Que?

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

(cheers and applause)

(accordion playing)

Oh, Sweetheart.

Oh, this whole honeymoon
is like a dream.

Then we ought
to get to bed, huh?

Hey, did that bellhop
look familiar to you?

Welcome to La Cantoria.

So glad to see you again.

Well, actually, this is just
our first time here.

Oh, then this is very special.

Senora, bellissima.

Thank you. Actually,
we're on our second honeymoon.

Oh, newlyweds.
Congratulations.

Senore.

Well, it's...
she's a great...

Bellissima.

(laughter)

H eynnhey!

I come back.

(laughter)

Hello. Buon giorno,
Senora, bellissima.

I bring complimentary fruit
from garden. There you go.

Oh, great.

Marcello, this is newlyweds.

Oh, newlyweds. Bueno, Senora,

bueno, bellissima.

(laughter)

Hey, hey!
Hey, would you mind?

Marcello...

- He get emotional.
- Oh, honey, I think it's sweet.

All rightmthink we can get
some room service?

- You no go out tonight, hllh?
- wall-n

Please, we understand.

I take care
of room service.

- Great, thafd be great.
- For you andmBellissima.

(laughter)

Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, come on. Hey!

I come back.

- Can you believe that guy?
- Oh, honey...

It's a...we're in Rome;
let's do as the Romans do.

And besides, I'm feeling
a little romantic myself.

I'll be right back.

O-kay! Yeah, okay.
Yeah, all right.

(singill!)

Ah!

Come here.
Come here, you.

I bring you Fabio.

He good man.
He take your order.

...Yes.

You get the lamb chops,
they are the best.

Okay. Lamb chops
sound good.

We make a nice salad Caprisi.
Tomato, mozzarella.

- I'd love some pasta.
- Champagne, of course.

So, that is lamb chops
with salad for Senora,

and pasta
for Bellissima.

(laughter)

Hey-hey-hey!

Hey, hey!

Hey, come on!

- You no want salad Caprisi'?
- No, salad's fine, it's just...

You'll enjoy
salad Caprisi.

Don't worry, I take care of you
and Bellissima.

Hey, get out of there!
Hey!

Honey, please. Come on,

- It's just their custom.
- I don't like it!

Do not embarrass me.

Buon giorno!
Housekeeping.

You want your bed
turned down?

No, I think we already have...

Oh, bueno, you want
bedtime mint? Very good.

Oh, sure, we want a mint,
don't we, honey?

- Well, all right.
- Bueno...

One for Senora,

and one for Bellissima.

(laughter)

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey, you no like
bedtime mint?

Michael,
what you bring him?

Ijust bring bedtime mint
for Senore and Bellissima.

What? Bedtime mint?
It's still afternoon.

- I so sorry. Bedtime mint.
- No, no, no...

That's not the problem,
all right?

(laughter)

O kay,

lamb chops with salad
for Senora,

and pasta
for Bellissima.

Bellissima eat first.

Okay, get the hell out!
All of you, out.

Come on,
let's go! Out!

You no like salad Caprisi?

(laughter)

I don't like you!

You're the same creeps from that
Italian restaurant in New York.

I remember you.
Get the hell out, all of you,

Get away from me
and my wife.

Everywhere we go...

no one understand.

We tried a restaurant
in the States.

Everyone mistakes
our affection...

for something dirty,
for sexual.

It's not true.

Is not so.

For us, showing affection
is as natural as...

eating gelato,
and peeing on the sidewalk.

(laughter)

Please, at least understand.

In our own country...

I'm sorry, I guess
I jumped the gun.

It's all right, Senore.

Are you sure?

Water under bridge.

Now, you see that,
honey?

Yeah, you can learn
from everybody, right?

You really can.

Where should we go tomorrow?
How about the Coliseum?

The Coliseum's great.

It's a beautiful world.

Senora, Belissima.

(cheers and applause)

And now that
the Mardi Gras is over,

the next big celebration for American
party goers is spring break.

Here to talk about his recent
trip to Daytona Beach,

is our party correspondent,
the Cajun Man. Cajun Man?

(cheers and applause)

H ey!

What's that smell
on your breath, Cajun Man?

Onion...

(laughter)

Cajun Man,I understand that
you go to Daytona Beach

just about every year,
don't you?

(unintelligible)

You look like you got
some color there, too.

Suntan lotion.

(laughter)

All right, Cajun Man,
you're on Daytona Beach a lot.

How is your body looking?

Definition.

(laughter)

- Now how do you stay thin?
- Metabolism.

Cajun Man?

- Liposuction.
- Okay, that's what I thought.

(laughter)

I heard you did a lot of drinking
down there in Daytona.

Inebriation.

(laughter)

What kind of beer
were you drinking?

Pabst Blue Ribbon.

(laughter)

Now, somebody told me
that you guzzled like, 32 beers

in some beer-guzzling contest.

- What happened after that?
- Hallucination.

(laughter)

- What did you see?
- Satan.

(laughter)

- Anybody with him?
- Jim Morrison.

(laughter)

That would have freaked me out.
And how did you handle that?

Defecation.

(laughter)

I could imagine,
I could imagine.

You also judged a wet t-shirt
contest, is that right?

- How were the contestants?
- Oh, Kevin.

(laughter)

What made you decide
on the winner?

Melons!

(laughter)

Did you have
any luck with her?

Rejection.

- Aw, that's too bad.
- Lesbian.

(laughter)

Cajun Man, Cajun Man,
how did you know that?

Intuition.

(laughter)

well...

Cajun Man,
what's the matter?

(whimpering)
Depression.

Don't worry, Cajun Man, there's
plenty of other women out there.

You'll find someone.

"The Love Connection."

Okay, well, thanks for coming,
Cajun Man.

You wanted to say hello
to somebody when you're here?

John Goodman.

Okay...
all right, I will.

- Cajun Man, everybody.
- Kevin Nealon!

(cheers and applause)

"Zagafs," with your hosts,
Hank and Beverly Gelfand.

Hello, and welcome
to "Zagat“s."

I'm Bev Gelfand,
and this is my husband, Hank

What do you want?!

Hank and I are celebrating
our 35th wedding anniversary,

and we're very excited,
Hank and I.

N1)!

We're going out to dinner
for the occasion,

but we can't decide
where to go.

Do you know where
you want to go, Hank?

Go away!

(laughter)

Well, maybe we can
all find a place...

in our Zagafs New York
Restaurant Guide.

Let's take a look together.

(laughter)

Dear God, here we go!

Oh, here's one. It's called
"Patty's Place" on 12th Street.

There's an Art Deco interior,

and the international
cuisine...

That sounds like a lot of fun.

(laughter)

My father said, "Get married."

He should rot in his grave.

(laughter)

How about Mario's Restaurant?

"Minipizzas
and de-lish desserts

make this Italian eatery
a must."

Ravioli?
Holy cannoli.

(laughter)

Day and night,
she talks,

each word more useless
than the next!

"The City Steakhouse
serves the best beef in town."

Their central setting
will set the mood...

"for any romantic rendezvous."

Oh, hear that, Hank?

(laughter)

(applause)

Give me cancer now, God!

(laughter)

"Fine Southern fare
at Charlie's."

There's fried chicken
and first-rate service.

"So, come on down, y'all,
y'hear?"

(laughter)

Hank and I have decided to spend
a nice, quiet evening at home.

Isn't that right, Hank?

The book is gone,
but the mouth goes on!

(laughter)

Since we're staying at home,
maybe we can watch some television.

Let's find a show to watch
in our...

"TV Guide."

Just when I thought I was out,
she drags me back in.

Here's one,
"M urder, She Wrote."

"Jessica investigates
a suspicious Hollywood murder,

and exposes the real killer."

Oh, I just love her.
She's so smart.

(laughter)

See if there's a program
about shutting the hell up!

(laughter)

Surprise...!

- Oh, heavens to Betsy.
- Hi, Beverly, hi, Hank.

Heavens to Betsy,
it's my sister Pauline.

What in heaven's
are you doing here?

I knew you and Hank would be celebrating
your 35th wedding anniversary,

Knock wood. So, I thought
I'd stop by with a present.

Ohhh...

You shouldn't have.
Isn't that nice, Hank?

Look how pretty it is.

Please let it be a gun!

(laughter)

Perfect.

(laughter)

Look, Hank.

Pauline brought us
Zagat's Restaurant Guide.

We used to have one,
but, um...

Hank misplaced it.

Wait till you see, sis. They've got
the greatest restaurants in there.

I'm in the middle
of a moron sandwich.

(laughter)

Here, look, "The Oyster Club",

for the best clam chowder
in town.

"All aboard
for fine fish cuisine." Mm-mmm.

Ohhh,
woo-hon, yum-my.

(laughter)

Oh, let me take a look.

Oh, look, "The Cajun Club,
for catfish and gumbo galore."

Mardi Gras is every night.
You'll dance the delight."

HYi-llya-hya.

Oh, that rhymes.

That rhymes,
doesn't it, Hank?

- Come here...
- I've got stupid in stereo.

(laughter)

Sleeping pills,
my only friends.

Oh, here, my turn.

"Care for Chinese food?
try Uncle Chang's."

They've got
the best egg rolls in town,

"and don't forget
the dumplings."

Don't worry,
I never do.

(laughter)

Oh, here's a place,
let's see.

"O'Sullivan's,
for Irish food and fun."

The fish and chips are
fabulous.

"Don't you fill
up on the soda..."

This has been "ZagaPs,"
with Hank and Beverly Gelfand.

(applause)

{piano playing)

(rock-tempo piflfll?)

(cheers and applause)

(applause)

Opera man,
ladies and gentlemen!

(cheers and applause)

This is a song,

about the high school
experience,

through the eyes of the person
who, more than anyone else,

puts young people
on the right path.

I'm not talking about
the teachers,

I'm not talking
about the coaches,

I'm not even talking about
the guidance counselors.

I'm talking about a person
we call...

"the lunch lady."

(scattered cheers and applause)

"Woke up in the morning..."

"put on my new plastic glove."

"Served some
reheated Salisbury steak,"

"with a little slice of love."

"L got no clue what
the chicken pot pie is made of."

"Just know everythingfs
doing fine down here in..."

"Lunch Lady Land."

"Well, I wear this net
on my head..."

"because my red hair
is falling out."

"L wear these
brown orthopedic shoes,"

“cause I got a bad case
of the gout.

"L know you want seconds
on the corn dogs,"

"but there's
no reason to shout."

"Everybody gets enough food
down here in the magical..."

"Lunch Lady Land."

(cheers)

"Well..."

"yesterday's meatloaf..."

"is today's Sloppy Joes,"

"And my breath reeks of tuna,

"and there's lots of black
hairs coming out of my nose.

"Oh, hoagies and grinders,
hoagies and grinders...

"navy beans, navy beans
navy beans, navy beans...

"Hoagies and grinders,
hoagies and grinders...

"navy beans, navy beans,
meatloaf sandwich.

"Sloppy Joe,
slop, Sloppy Joe, yeah,

"Sloppy Joe,
slop, Sloppy Joe...

"Sloppy Joe,
slop, Sloppy Joe, yeah,

"Sloppy Joe,
slop, Sloppy Joe, yeah!"

"Well, I dreamt one morning
that I woke up to see,"

"all the pepperoni pizza
was looking at me."

"They screamed, Why do you
burn me and serve me up cold?"

"I said, I got the spatula,
just do what you're told".

"Then the liver and onions
started joining the fight,

"and the chocolate pudding
pushed me with all its might.

"And the chop suey slapped me,
and he kicked me in the head,

"It's called revenge, lunch lady,"
said the garlic bread.

"L said, "What did I do
to make you all so mad?"

"You got flabby arms
and your breath is bad".

"And the green beans said,
"You better run and hide,"

"but then my friend, Sloppy Joe
came and joined my side.

"He said, "if it wasn't
for the lunch lady...

"the kids wouldn't eat ya.

"You should
be shaking her hand,"

"and saying,
'Pleased to meet ya!'"

"She gives you a purpose
and she gives you a goal,"

"you should be kissing her feet
and kissing her mole!"

"Now, all the angry foods
just leave me alone,

"and we all live together
in a happy home.

"Thanks to..."Sloppy Joe,

"Slop, Sloppy Joe, yeah,

"Sloppy Joe,
slop, Sloppy Joe, ooh, yeah!

"Sloppy Joe,
slop, Sloppy Joe, yeah,

"Sloppy Joe,
slop, Sloppy Joe."

"Well..."

"me and Sloppy Joe
got married..."

"we got six kids
and we're doing just fine,"

"down in
Lunch Lady Land."

(cheers and applause)

Here again with his Halloween
costume suggestions...

...is Adam Sandler.
Adam?

(cheers and applause)

Thank you.

If you're not out
trick-or-treating right now,

there's a good chance...

you didn't want to spend
the money on a fancy costume.

Well, you really don't have to,

and you still have time
to get loads of candy tonight,

with my low-cost
costume ideas.

You can just use your face.

Go as "Smiley Boy."

(laughter)

Hey, I'm "Smiley Boy."

Look at me!
I got a big smile on my face.

Now, give me some candy,

Come on,
I'm smiling away here.

What do you want from me?
Give me that candy!

(laughter)

Or, you can go
as "About-to-Sneeze Man."

Hey, I'm "About-to-Sneeze Man."

And I want some candy.

Look at me, all squashed up
like I'm gonna sneeze.

Before I do,
could you give me some candy?

Ahh-ahh-ahh -- candy!

(laughter)

You can use a prop, you know,
you have lying around the house.

A newspaper is great.

You can go
as "Crazy Newspaper Face."

(laughter)

I'm "Crazy Newspaper Face."

(laughter)

And I want some candy.

Give some candy
to "Crazy Newspaper Face."

My face ain't normal,
it's a damn newspaper!

(laughter)

Come on, extra, extra!
read all about me,

I need some candy!

Or you can go as
"Crazy Newspaper Unicorn Man."

I'm "Crazy
Newspaper Unicorn Man."

And I do believe
I want some candy.

(laughter)

Come on,
I'm almost extinct.

Give me the candy.

(whinny)

A sneaker is great, too.
you can use a sneaker.

I'm "Crazy Sneaker Hand."

(laughter)

Hello, perhaps
you've heard of me.

I have a sneaker for a hand.

And I want some candy.

Now fork some candy over,
pronto.

Don't make me use this sneaker
I have for a hand in a bad way.

Candy!

(laughter)

Or, go as,
"Crazy Guy Under the Desk."

(laughter)

I'm "Crazy Guy Under the Desk."

(laughter)

Just 'cause you can't see me,
don't mean I don't want candy.

(laughter)

Just leave the candy
on the desk!

(laughter)

lam warning you,
do not come down here.

(laughter)

Did I mention I was...
crazy?

(laughter)

Or you can use something
from your school supplies.

Like this protractor.

I'm "Crazy Protractor Face."

I don't believe
we've had the honor.

My vision is impaired, but I can
still see you've got candy.

I want that candy!

Or go as,
"Crazy Protractor Beard."

I'm "Crazy Protractor Beard."

Look, I've got a beard
made out of a damn protractor.

Isn't that bizarre?

Now, I believe you're gonna
give me some candy.

I've got all night.

I'm just a guy who's got
a protractor for a beard.

I got nowhere to go, so you might
as well cough up that candy.

Happy Halloween, everybody!

(cheers and applause)

TV:
Yo! all'! do Ills.

Do you understand? You cannot
take my baby from me.

Don't you understand this?

Don't you see that?

Oh, this is
a really nice place.

- It's just like my house.
- Oh, yeah? Look.

Here's the wine.

My room's down the hall
and in the back, okay?

I just got to talk to my
brother for a minute.

All right,
I'll be waiting.

Hi, Grandma.

How you doing?

Okay...
Hey, Bobby, come here!

- Yeah, Joey?
- Hey, buddy, mu...

Donna and me are gonna be
in the back for half an hour.

Now, I just want you
to look after Grandma.

Here's 10 bucks, okay...

give her whatever she needs.
Just keep her quiet...

- and out of my room, all right?
- All right.

- That's all y'gotta do, got it?
- Sure, sure, Joey.

Where's Joey?

He went back to his room.

- Uh-huh.l need him.
- I can get it.

- What do you need?
- I need Joey.

- Well, he's busy.
- I want Joey.

- Joey! Joey!
- Shhh!

Joey!

What is it?

I need my glasses.

O kfly'

- Here they are. Okay, Grammy?
- Oh, yes.

Got 'em?

There you go. Bobby's gonna
get you anything else you need.

Yes.

You all right?
Don't mess it up, okay?

(laughter)

So, what do you --
what are you watching?

I'm watching my story.

Go tell Joey my story's on.

No, let's just
watch it together, okay?

- Oh, stop touching me!
- Okay, okay...

- Let's just be quiet.
- Don't tell me what to do!

I'm sorry.

- Stop yelling at me!
- I didn't mean to.

You're still yelling!
Stop it!

Stop it! Stop ..g

What's going on?

Well, she was --

What?!
Sheesh --

- What's the matter, Grandma?
- He won't stop yelling at me.

- I didn't say --
- Stop yelling.

Geez, can't you do
a simple job?

Grandma, it's okay.
Okay?

- He won't yell anymore, all light?
- Okay.

I don't want
to watch TV anymore.

Where's my newspaper?
Joey --?

I'll get it. I'll get it,
I'll get it...here, here.

I want my pillows fluffed.

A little more.
More, please.

More, more...
That's too much. Slow down!

That's fine.

Now, I want that big platter
on the top shelf.

Why?!

- You're yelling.
- No, no, no...

Look, look.
I'm getting it, I'm getting it.

Here, see?

No...no, no, no.

No, a little down,
a little...

a little more...
okay, a little...

You see the blue one?
Now, listen to me.

Listen to me!

You have to listen if you're
gonna get the one I want!

(laughter)

Now, a little more, please.
Keep going, you got it --

there!

(laughter)

You scared me!

Aw, damn it!

You have no right
to talk to me like that.

I'm the one who got you
orange juice when you were sick.

Shh! shhh,
shh,shh!

I brought you juice.

- Grandma, are you all right?
- He's scaring me.

Oh, scaring her, huh?

Come here, big man.
Scaring the little lady, huh?

Leave her alone.

Okay. He won't scare you
anymore, okay?

(laughter)

Quit screwing around!
Come on, Bob!

Grandma, I'm going to the bathroom
and get a band-aid.

I'll be gone for two minutes.

Go on, I'll be fine.

I don't need you.

(doorbell rings)

Good afternoon. I represent
Lamplight Publishing.

Your name has been
selected to appear

in a special "who's who"
volume of retirees.

You can preorder a copy at the
introductory price of $500.

$500?
I'll get my purse.

(laughter)

- What are you doing?
- I'm going to be in "who's who."

That's 5100...
and $200.

$300."
there's $400 --

Give me that!
Give me that.

Now, get out
and stay out!

Grandma, you can't
give your money away like that.

It's my money.
You don't own me!

Look, that guy was a crook.

Hey, I have earned the right
to see my name in print!

Give me my money!

What?!

(laughter)

What are you doing?

He's taking my money!

You little punk!
What are you doing?

(screaming)

Just give her the money.

- Here you go, Grandma.
- Thank you.

Sorry.

All right...

He's not going to scare you
anymore, all right?

Come on, Bob!

I'm sorry, but you
brought this on yourself.

(laughter)

Why are you --
why are you staring at me?

I'm the one
who got you orange juice!

What juice?!

You're...stop pretending
you don't know.

- I'm not pretending!
- Stop yelling at me!

You were a difficult birth!

You're my grandma.

That's where you're wrong!

Where's Joey?
Where is Joey?

No, wait.

Ann“!

You pushed me.

I didn't touch you.
I swear, I didn't --

I brought you juice
in the night.

Listen, Joey. I gotta run.
lt was nice seeing you.

Bye-bye, nice lad!!-

- He pushed me.
- I didn't --

20 minutes,
that's all I --

Stop it! Stop it!

It's my fault.

But can't you see
I love you?

- We love you, too, Grandma.
- Yeah.

Ow, ow, stop touching me!

- Stop touching her!
- I'm not touching her, man --

(cheers and applause)

We at "Saturday night live"
have given a lot of thought...

to how we can contribute
to the war effort.

That's why tonight, we introduce
a new character, Iraqi Pete,

the scapegoat who by embodying all the
worst stereotypes of the Arab people,

can become the focus
of our war frenzy,

and help kick this war in the gulf
thing into overdrive.

So please welcome,
or should I say, please jeer,

Iraqi Pete.

(booing)

What? What?
Don't you like me?

Just because I woke up
this morning,

and spit on your flag.

Does that offend you?

Well, that's too bad!

Boo all you like.
Iraqi Pete can handle it.

Hey, look}; what I got,

A nice Cabbage Patch doll.

The dream friend of every
boy and girl in America.

Ooh, the head comes off
so easily.

(booing)
It's so weak and defenseless,

just like you Americans!

I must go. I will be back.

But for now,
I leave you with this --

go to hell!
Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Bye-bye.

(booing)

Hello, everyone.

I told you I'd be back.

Are you upset
to see me?

Go ahead and boo me then.

(booing) Oh, you're afraid.
you're a bunch of big chickens.

Come on,
boo me, boo me,

Boo, boo, boo,
500, boo!

You know what, I'm beginning
to like your booing.

It makes me want to dance.

"Boo,
boo-o-oo,

boo-boo-boo-boo-oo"

You see, I dance to your boos.

Hey, guess what I got here.

Your most treasured painting,
"American Gothic."

It's what you live by,
I'm told.

But now Iraqi Pete
owns the farm.

They're all my cows and piggies
to play with.

Hey, one more thing for you --

go to hell!
(booing)

If you leave town
this holiday season,

why not let the Herlihy Boy
be your house-sitter?

Out of an estimated 50,000
professional house-sitters in the world,

the Herlihy Boy
is by far the best.

(laughter)

Hello.

Let me water your plants.

(laughter)

Please,
while you're gone --

let me water your plants.

(laughter)

It would mean so much to me,

if you'd just let me
water your plants.

Come on,
you're not gonna be there.

(laughter)

Somebody's got to water them.

Why can't it be me?

Please?
Hey, hey...

Please?

Let me water your plants.

Come on, let the boy
water your plants.

(laughter)

Hi, hello.
Are you good?

Good.

Let me bring in your mail.

(laughter)

While you're gone.

Come on, please?

Let me bring in your mail?

There'll be so much mail in
your mailbox while you're away.

Let me bring the mail
in the house for you.

Come on...l'm already gonna be
watering your plants.

(laughter)

Just say yes to me bringin' in
your mail, please?

Don't look away --
look at me...

I honestly and sincerely would
like to bring in your mail.

He's a good hard-workin' boy,
let him bring in your mail.

(laughter)

Hey, look who's here.

Nice to see you again,
you look great.

Let me sleep
in your bed.

(laughter)

Don't shake your head, "no."

Let me sleep in your bed.

You're not even
gonna be there.

Please let me...
let me sleep in your bed?

Nothin' weinfs
gonna happen.

I'll sleep in the exact
same position as you sleep.

You can trust me.

I'll even wash the sheets
before you come back.

Please?

Sweet Mother of God,
what is the hold-up?!

Let the boy sleep
in your damn bed!

He said he'd wash the sheetsl!

L'luh...-.»

(laughter)

Please don't make me
wash the sheets.

(laughter)

He's a clean boy!
Wash your own damn sheets!

For God sakesl!

(laughter)

Let me move in with yell,
please?

(laughter)

When you come back home,
don't make me leave...

mplease?
Let me move in with you?

I'll push all my things
into the corner.

That'll be
my little area.

Please...?
I won't bother you.

You don't even have
to look at me.

Just let me
move in with you, please?

I'd like an answer...

and I'd like that answer
to be, "yes," please?

I've already slept
in your bed.

If you didn't want me to move in,
why'd you let me sleep in your bed?

Just let me move in
with you, please?

Can we... stop this cruel game?!

And allow the boy
to keep one shred of dignity?

For God sakes, I can't stand
to see him in all this pain.

You vicious bastardsl!

Let him move in with you!

Is it so bad
to see somebody happy?!

So just let him move in!

For the love of God,

Let the boy move in with youl!

Good Lord!

(laughter and applause)

I'm not gonna beg you.

My track record
speaks for itself.

I'm confident
you'll make the right decision.

(applause)

The Herlihy Boy
House-Sitting Service.

Let's face it...
he's coming over anyway.

(cheers and applause)

(music play)

(laughter)

(laughter)

(laughter)

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

(cheers and applause)

Oh, my God.

Oh, some flowers!

Smell!