All language subtitles for Modern Family.S10E09 - Putting Down Roots.iNTERNAL.720p.WEB.h264-BAMBOOZLE - mx

What the hell?

Oh, my God.
He brought Mom's old car?

You know,
that thing was perfect for Dede...

loud, pulled way to the left,

and constantly
broke down in public.

My ex-wife, Dede,
died two months ago,

and her husband, Jerry,
drove down with a bunch of junk

she wanted us to have.

I always liked Jerry.

Then why did you always
look at him funny?

Because I knew
what he was in for.

Same way
I look at the footage

of those people
boarding the Titanic.

Jay, this is for you.

Oh, God. Is that her?

No, no, no.
Apparently this is a jar of sand

from your honeymoon
in Miami Beach.

Oh, yeah.
We stayed at the Fontainebleau.

- Hmm.
- Guess who we took an elevator with?

Jackie Gleason.

I told him
we were the honeymooners,

and, as a joke,
he threatened

to punch Dede
to the moon.

Why is that funny?

Well, that's my point.
It wasn't right.

Claire, your mom wanted you
to have her old sports car.

Oh, great.

And Mitchell,
you get to keep her jewelry.

Oh, so Claire gets a car,

and I get a, uh, box of turquoise.

Want to trade?

No. No, it's fine.

I have a preteen girl at home,
and she likes to play dress-up.

And, you know,
Lily might like it, too.

Mitchell and Claire,
Dede wanted you two to decide

who gets to keep her.

Sorry, Jay.
She left you out of this one.

No worries, Jerr.
I'm good with the sand.

Hang on. Uh, what do you mean,
"gets to keep her"?

That's Dede.

We had her ashes organically
fused with the root ball.

That is so Mom.

I know. Setting up one last
thing for us to fight over,

- because neither of us want that tree.
- Because both of us want the tree.

- What?
- That was easy.

*MODERN FAMILY*
Season 10 Episode 09

Episode Title: "Putting own Roots"

Oh, cool.

Look. Nana left us her old
toy box from her house.

Aww,
bless her hoarding heart.

Remember how I used
to hide in here

and pop out like
a scary monster?

I had so much promise
back then.

A stick horse
that vibrates?

I never got the point.

I don't know,
but I remember

spending
hours riding on it.

- Same.
- Hm.

Oh. Lookie here, Alex.

The source of
your greatest shame...

the puzzle
that I solved

but you
never did.

Who cares?

We were
just dumb kids.

Uh, no.

We were dumb kids,

and you were
the genius.

That must eat away at you.

Please.

I'm top of my class
at a prestigious university,

and I co-invented
a technology

that has applications to
astrophysics and medicine.

And give me
that damn puzzle!

Oh, my God, it's Lulu!

She was my favorite toy.

Mm.

I guess I...
I just really miss Nana.

Also I'm pregnant.

Dylan and I haven't told anyone

because I'm still trying
to get my head around it,

but holding Lulu made it
so real.

I'm gonna have
an actual baby.

Aah, I'm so stressed!

I wish it was the '50s

when it was still healthy
to drink and smoke

when you're pregnant.

Wow.

I cannot wait
to restore this baby.

My high school bully
had one.

You'd be surprised
how fast this thing can go.

No problem catching up
with a kid on a bike

who left school
ten minutes early.

I don't know if I want
another half-finished project

rusting away
in the garage.

The only reason I stopped
working on robot lawnmower

was 'cause
he started getting too smart.

Come on, honey.
Let's keep it.

It reminds me
of how crazy my mom could be.

I mean, what mother
has a car like this?

How's this?
We take it for one drive.

If you're not smiling by
the time we come back,

we get rid of it.

- One drive?
- One drive.

- One drive.
- One drive.

Ugh, she used to double-buckle
me and Mitchell

into the front seat.

Between that and the
homemade electric blankets,

it's a wonder
we're still alive.

What's with the plumber?

Did Joe flush his Aquaman
down the toilet again?

No.
When my cousins left,

they said that the hot
water in the guest bedroom

was not working.

The plumber just said that
there's nothing wrong.

Someone turned it off.

Probably Joe.

So, what are we thinking?
No play dates for a week?

I know it was you.

You wanted them gone,
and you froze them out.

I'm admitting nothing,

but you said one cousin
would be here for one day,

and there were
three here for a week.

I never said that.

Why is Jerry still here?

I know.
Something must be wrong.

He's sitting in the car
like a sad little man.

We have to go and invite him in.

No, no, no, no.
He'll move off eventually.

Glor... Street sweeping is
Thursday.

Jerry, is everything okay?

Yeah, does your truck need
a push?

It's the darnedest thing.

I can't seem to drive away.

Dropping off Dede's stuff was
the last check on the ol' list.

Heck if I'm not feeling
pretty lost.

Yeah, I get it.
Listen, you just drive down this street,

turn right,
and you'll hit the freeway.

Jerry, just come inside.

No, I couldn't.

Yeah, got to love a man
with pride.

That's the thing that'll
serve you well on the freeway.

Just come inside,
I'll make you something to eat,

and you can stay
as long as you want.

Right, Jay?

One of these days, Gloria.

One of these days
what?

Nothing.
Just one of these days.

All right.
Where should we put Mom?

Uh, not too close
to the window.

Don't want to spend
the next 20 years whispering.

Okay, so,
your mom can be a tree,

but when I told you
my Uncle Honus

fell into a thresher
and the next spring,

an owl appeared
with his exact face

and pocket watch,
you poo-pooed it.

Why are you
being so difficult?

Because when we
first got together,

you promised that someday
we would move back

to my family farm,
and every year,

the someday
gets kicked

further down the road
like a nosy census taker.

And... And once you plant
your mom here,

we're never
gonna leave.

That's crazy.

And I-I-I don't think
you want to

talk about promises
we made back then.

What are you
suggesting?

I've kept every promise
I've made.

Really?
You promised me

a rose a
month for the rest of my life,

so
I guess I dropped dead 15 years ago.

I read an article that said
it was

- environmentally ins...
- I've never seen you read an article.

Also, you said
you'd finally watch "E.T.,"

my all-time
favorite movie.

Oh, it just seems
so stupid.

What am I caring about?

A wrinkly puppet
with a Christmas light

at the end of his creepy finger?
And really?

Me saying
I would watch

some pandering
sap-fest is the same

as you saying I would someday
be reunited with my family?

A promise is
a promise.

I couldn't agree
more.

I couldn't agree
more.

So, anyway,

you haven't missed
much around here.

I'm sorry
to be such a burden.

It's just...
I don't know how to move on.

I've been... going through
incense like crazy.

Oh, poor man.

Here. Eat something.

I know you're a vegetarian,
so I made you tomato soup.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
That looks pretty good.

You have
any left over for me?

Aw, I threw it out.

I know
that you don't like

things staying around
too long.

Mmm.

She's mad at me.

Her family overstayed
their welcome,

and I turned off
the hot water,

took a few bulbs
out of the room.

You know
how it is when you're married.

Dede and I
never had a cross word.

What?

That is not possible.

Yep.
If things ever got heated,

I'd come up behind her,

put my hands
on her neck...

I'm with you so far.

Then massage her and
tell her she was right.

But what
if she wasn't right?

That's ego talking.

In Buddhism, we believe

it's better to conquer
yourself

than win
a thousand battles.

That's why Nepal is always
crushing it at the Olympics.

Jay, an enlightened man
would go over there

and say, "Gloria,
I love and respect you,

"so of course I love
and respect your family.

I am sorry."

But it was all her fault.

She wouldn't admit it,
but she told me

one person was staying
with us for one day.

That's her text,
but what was her subtext?

Jerry, you're a genius.

She sent me a text.

I have the proof.

Gloria?

- What?
- Right here.

You don't have
to walk over here.

I can read your giant
font from across the room.

"Jay, don't call the police
when you come home.

"It's my cousin.

He's staying with us
for one day."

Let me see.

Walk me through that
Buddhist nonsense again.

Whoo-hoo!

Fun, huh?
Feel that wind and smell that air.

Yeah, it's so bumpy.

Sports suspension.
Nothing between me and the road

except my knuckle-less gloves.

Why do you
even have those?

Oh, a quirk of the Dunphys.

My fingers get cold,
but my knuckles get hot.

- Ah.
- Check it out!

There's an 8-track player.
I love it.

Let's crank something.

Never heard of this band...
Head Cleaner.

Yeah, why don't we just
listen to whatever's in there?

Oh, my God.

- Oh, this takes me back.
- Yeah, I love it.

♪ Get your motor goin' ♪

♪ Heading for the doorway ♪

♪ Cooking an adventure ♪

♪ And then
we make that doorway ♪

So fun!

You're smiling.
You love the car.

Ah, I just remembered
something.

What? Tell me.

It's a...
It's a thing from high school.

Come on.
There are no secrets on the open road.

I just remembered that
I lost my virginity in this car.

What's that now?

Yeah, my boyfriend
snuck the car out at night

and then, you know...
♪ He found the doorway ♪

Oh, my knuckles are
overheating.

This isn't bothering you,
is it, Phil?

I mean,
you told me about your first time.

I told you about that to
explain why I hate bees so much.

Let's just not talk about
this anymore.

Okay.

♪ Born to be wild ♪

This is the song that was playing,
isn't it?

It's one of them.

I'm gonna fix lunch.
Want some?

You're eating lunch?

Is there some new Internet
challenge I'm not aware of?

And why is your doll
in bandages?

You know me.
I always loved playing doctor.

The truth is,
I accidentally ran her over

and ripped
her arm off,

which might have been fine
if that was the only

baby-mangling issue
I had today.

Oh, my God!

Oh, uh, uh...

Oh, my God.

I'm not cut out
to be a mother.

Then again, a real baby
is easier than a doll, right?

Like,
a real baby would let you know

if it was on fire.

Oh, God,
why are you crying?

Did you just win the
weirdest beauty pageant ever?

Promises kept, Mitchell...

180 months of roses,

and I just watched the
most beautiful love story

between boy and alien.

Why can't the world have
the hearts of children?

Uh-huh.

You know, I think the thing
that touched me the most was how

we were really rooting

for E.T.
to find his way home.

I bet you were pretty thrilled
to stumble upon that coincidence.

- I didn't hate it.
- Anyway,

I'm all caught up
in the promises department.

- Your serve.
- Cam, I just

started
at the D.A.'s office.

I... I can't move
anytime soon.

Plus, what about
Lily's school?

They have schools
in Grasshopper.

Do they?

Plus, Lily has
so many friends here.

Does she?

Did I hear my name?

What are you two
yentas gabbing about?

We were just talking
about moving to

Grandma and Grandpa's farm

in... in the heart of
Tornado Alley.

Oh, God. Cam... Cam.

Look, she's clearly terrified.

Yeah, well, don't worry, sweetie,
because it's already been determined.

We're staying here
forever,

because other daddy is planting
dead Nana in the backyard.

I'm out.

Okay, it was
my mother's last wish

that one of us take her,
and Claire doesn't want her.

- What do you want me to do?
- Well, what do you want me to do?

The farm has been in my
family for 100 years.

You know, I'm next in line,
and you know Daddy.

H-He's slowing down.

Your mother just
sent us a video of him

winning a log-rolling contest.

Only in his age group,
and he was so spent the next day,

he slept through his
first rooster crow

and his snooze rooster crow.

Just admit it...
you have no intention

of keeping your promise
of moving to Missouri.

You know what? You're right.

I... I can't ever imagine myself
living on that farm. I'm sorry.

Well, there it is.

I'm just glad E.T. didn't
land at your house.

Okay, don't give me
that look.

You'll get to go back
to Missouri

when your mom
gets released from pris...

uh, princess camp.

You're really hitting the
gum pretty hard, aren't you?

How do I do this?
Do I... Do I just push down?

I don't know.

Nope.

I got off to a slow start,

but eventually I...
I found my rhythm.

And... And once I broke
that sprinkler line,

the... the water
did most of the digging for me.

All right, let's go.
Just one last pull.

Ah! Ah, okay, that's my ankle.

I'm stuck.

Cal, so, what I'm gonna
need you to do

is go insi...
Cal. Cal!

What? What is it, boy?

Mitchell?

H-He's in trouble?

Trapped in a hole?
Show me.

- Oh, my God, you're cheating.
- No.

You're looking at ways
to solve the puzzle.

How'd you do it,
you pea-brain?

Aah!

What is wrong with me?

Maybe
Dr. Johnson is right.

Maybe I don't have what
it takes to live on Mars.

Stop! Stop.

It's not you.

After I solved the puzzle,

I wanted to make sure
you couldn't,

so I broke a few pieces,

glued some others together.

It can't be solved.

I've had nightmares
over that puzzle!

I cried about it in therapy!

Stop! Not the hair!

- You're gonna fizz it.
- Hey, what the hell? Break it up.

Luke's not playing fair.

Yeah, well,
you make him feel dumb,

and he acts like
it doesn't bother him,

but it does.
And, Luke,

you know better than to mess
with someone so uptight.

What do we always say?

Don't break Alex.
She's our safety net.

Now, you both need
to calm down.

Luke, walk it off.

Oh, no.

Where's Lulu?

Wh... Huh?

The doll?

Who cares?

Haley, what's going on
with you today?

Are you okay?

Okay, um...

So, no one else knows,
especially Mom and Dad,

so you can't tell anybody, but...

I'm pregnant.

You're pregnant?

Damn it, Luke!

Wow.

Guys, don't look at me
like that, okay?

You must think I'm some
irresponsible idiot, don't you?

Um, uh, it's a... Wow, that's...

You got... That's a lot to process.

I...

D-Do you know
who's the...

It's Dylan's.

Oh. What a joyous...

Oh, save it.

He's been great,
actually.

I'm the disaster.
I mean, look at Lulu.

I'm gonna
be a horrible mother.

Okay, first, it's just a doll.

And you've been taking
care of us our whole lives.

Yeah. Remember
how you used to pick out

my first day of school outfit
so I wouldn't get beat up?

Or how you'd hold the book while
I read myself a bedtime story?

And you're still doing it.

You just swooped in
and handled

our fight like a pro.

And you're understanding

and loving
and a total badass.

She's right.

You're the kind of person
that can patch things up

if, say,
Alex ever found out

that I re-arranged the
stickers on her Rubik's Cube.

You son of a...

Aah! Hair, hair!
Haley, help!

Oh. Well, I'm smiling,

so I guess we're keeping the car.

No, you know what?
You're right.

It's not safe,
and it's just gonna take up space.

Honey, did I say
something wrong?

Are you feeling bad?

Well, I-I guess
if I'm being honest,

I'm a-a little worried that
every time I get in the car,

I'll picture you and, uh...

Todd.

- Todd?
- Todd.

Todd was the name of my bully.

It's getting realer.

I mean,
how would you feel

about driving around in the
sweet ride I lost my virginity in?

Do you really think
you can track down

the ox cart from the
Renaissance fair?

I only got to second
base in the ox cart.

If it makes you uncomfortable,
we can sell the car.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Thank you.

But for what it's worth,

I don't want to keep it because
I had so much great sex in it.

- So much?
- No, it's because of

what happened
the next day.

My mom, ugh,
she found the condom wrapper

under the seat,
and it must have freaked her out.

But instead of shaming me

or...
or embarrassing me

with some long,
awful lecture,

she was cool.

She wanted
to make sure that

I was okay with everything

and... that it had all
been a good experience.

But...

Wow.

That must be why
she wanted me to have the car.

That talk meant as much
to my mom as it did to me.

That's incredibly sweet,

and, if it means that much to you,
you should keep it.

But I doubt I'll ever
feel comfortable in it.

We can fix that.

I like where this is going.

I'm gonna make you the best
sex I ever had in this car.

That's a lot of pressure.
Let's aim for top three.

Mm.

Gloria.
I have something to say.

My approach cost me a phone and

a second visit from the plumber,

so I decided to try
Jerry's advice

and give Gloria a heartfelt,
sincere apology.

How hard could
that be to fake?

I was wrong
to chase off your cousins.

I'm sorry that
I didn't...

take your feelings
into consideration.

You deserve to be
respected.

What I should've said
was I love you,

so I love your family.

Please forgive me
for my rude behavior.

Jay, this is all
I ever wanted.

For you to come to me like this,
it means the world to me.

I'm sorry.

I should've been more forward
about my cousin's visit.

And I was wrong for
crushing your cellphone.

Can you ever
forgive me?

Well, it may take a little while, but
sure,

I guess I can.

You know
what I'm going to do?

I'm gonna go to that
butcher shop that you like.

And, if Jerry doesn't mind,

I'm gonna buy you
a beautiful steak for dinner.

Hey, it's your house.
You do what's best for you.

Come to my house,
I'm going to be nude.

We're never going to go
to your house, Jerry.

Did you hear that, Stella?

We're gonna have a steak.

Jerry, you're a genius.

- This is life-changing.
- What did I tell you?

I wish I had tried this
years ago.

This would've made my life
with Dede downright tolerable.

Who knows?

Maybe we even
could've been happy.

I'm glad you think so.

But I'm not the one
you need to tell.

Hey, Dede, it's me, Jay.
Just wondering how you're doing.

Dad?

Uh, it's Saturday here.

You're not leaving
a voicemail.

- From the heart.
- Yeah.

What I wanted to say... is

I... could've handled a lot of
things better in our relationship.

Mm.

I guess
I wasn't a very good partner.

I dug in a lot.

I never thought of things
from your point of view.

I guess I always needed
to get my own way.

Anyway, you were a good woman,

and we had some fun times,

especially in the sack.

Never had a problem there.

Careful.
That's my wife you're talking to.

- Oh, sorry, Jerr, yeah.
- Okay.

I hope you grow up into a nice,
big tree,

a-and I hope you don't
get any of those beetles

that are killing everything.

And when you settle
in in a little while,

maybe I'll bring Joe over
and he can climb you.

- Mm.
- Amen.

You done?

Yeah, I think so.

Mind if I say a word?

She's all yours.

Jay was a big man.

He apologized to his wife.

And do you know
what she did?

She apologized back!

Did you ever do that
even once?!

I apologized to you a thousand times,
and you let me just eat it.

Well, I'm tired of telling
you you're always right,

'cause guess what?

That dolphin
did not recognize you.

Your haikus had
too many syllables.

And trust me, vegans
do need deodorant!

All right. Come on.

Come on, kid.
Let me buy you a nice steak.

Yeah.

Hey. Here.

I-I want you
to eat something.

Be careful.

Thank you for taking
such good care of me,

even when you're mad.

No. My gosh,
I am not mad.

And I shouldn't have
pushed.

I-I'm sorry, but, you know,
if we learn one thing today,

it's that you couldn't
survive on a farm.

I'll be fine,

- because I'll be with you.
- What?

I guess w-when I look at
things from your point of view,

I... I made a promise.

When your dad needs you
to take over the farm,

I'm in.

Mitchell, that means
so much to me,

and you're gonna love it.

The fresh air,
and there's no traffic.

Oh, and with a second lawyer in town,
we could reopen the courthouse.

H-Have you ever milked a goat?

Have you ever had fresh
milk right from the spigot?

Oh, unbelievable.

You do have to be careful
of snakes and mice and rats.

There's a ton of field mice.

They scare me. One ran up my
sleeve one time when I was a kid.

This car is smaller than I remember.
I think I'm just less flexible?

- I think I threw out my lap.
- Oh.

We were, um,
just cleaning out the garage.

Mm, nice try.
We heard everything.

Yeah, although
around the finish line,

we kind of lost track of
who was who.

I can't believe Mom caught you
having sex in her car again.

You're calling the tree Mom?
Okay.

So, listen,
after some reflection,

we decided that she
might be better off here.

Now, before you say no...

I'd actually really like that.

Hey!

What was all that
screeching in the garage?

Are the raccoons back?

Damn it!