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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:18,599 --> 00:00:22,067 (DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 2 00:00:35,685 --> 00:00:40,685 Subtitles by explosiveskull 3 00:00:54,666 --> 00:00:57,633 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 4 00:01:26,999 --> 00:01:28,198 LESLIE: I could push you, if you want. 5 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:29,800 Jesus Fuck! 6 00:01:33,698 --> 00:01:34,531 LESLIE: You should be careful. 7 00:01:34,533 --> 00:01:35,600 You could kill yourself. 8 00:01:37,299 --> 00:01:38,133 Can I watch? 9 00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:40,697 You can't stop me. 10 00:01:40,699 --> 00:01:41,967 LESLIE: No I wouldn't try. 11 00:01:44,532 --> 00:01:46,563 Can I ask why you're doing this? 12 00:01:46,565 --> 00:01:48,564 I mean jumping off a bridge? 13 00:01:48,566 --> 00:01:51,696 WILLIAM: Look, I don't mean to be rude, 14 00:01:51,698 --> 00:01:53,166 but could you, you know... 15 00:01:54,299 --> 00:01:55,664 LESLIE: Oh, sure, sure. 16 00:01:55,666 --> 00:01:56,600 Yes, yes. 17 00:01:58,533 --> 00:02:01,201 (THUNDER CRASHING) 18 00:02:02,698 --> 00:02:05,666 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 19 00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:14,499 Are you going to be long? 20 00:02:15,532 --> 00:02:16,163 Duh! 21 00:02:16,165 --> 00:02:17,564 You've ruined the mood. 22 00:02:17,566 --> 00:02:19,164 LESLIE: I'm here to help you. 23 00:02:19,166 --> 00:02:21,898 WILLIAM: You can help me by leaving me alone. 24 00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:22,831 LESLIE: Sure? 25 00:02:22,833 --> 00:02:23,699 I could make this much easier. 26 00:02:24,899 --> 00:02:25,732 No? 27 00:02:26,832 --> 00:02:29,597 Well, it's your death. 28 00:02:29,599 --> 00:02:31,201 Here, I've got a card. 29 00:02:32,866 --> 00:02:33,700 There you are. 30 00:02:35,132 --> 00:02:36,165 If you need any help. 31 00:02:36,167 --> 00:02:40,596 Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do, 32 00:02:40,598 --> 00:02:41,233 but 33 00:02:43,699 --> 00:02:44,599 I'm past help. 34 00:02:46,566 --> 00:02:47,600 LESLIE: Yes, well, 35 00:02:49,832 --> 00:02:50,666 good luck. 36 00:02:55,832 --> 00:02:57,966 (SIGHING) 37 00:02:59,732 --> 00:03:03,566 (DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 38 00:03:21,099 --> 00:03:25,466 (dramatic orchestral music rising 39 00:03:31,565 --> 00:03:33,297 (ALL SCREAMING) 40 00:03:33,299 --> 00:03:35,664 (DISCO MUSIC) 41 00:03:35,666 --> 00:03:37,900 (GROANING) 42 00:03:43,065 --> 00:03:43,900 Hell. 43 00:03:45,299 --> 00:03:48,233 (WOMAN VOCALIZING) 44 00:03:52,865 --> 00:03:54,700 MICHAEL: And you didn't look down? 45 00:03:55,732 --> 00:03:56,866 WILLIAM: I had my eyes shut. 46 00:03:58,066 --> 00:04:00,967 MICHAEL: In a way you're very unlucky. 47 00:04:03,199 --> 00:04:04,566 And what prompted this time? 48 00:04:06,065 --> 00:04:07,763 Must be something. 49 00:04:07,765 --> 00:04:08,699 You can tell me. 50 00:04:10,232 --> 00:04:11,963 Our lives are a futile struggle 51 00:04:11,965 --> 00:04:14,233 to make sense of the senseless. 52 00:04:15,133 --> 00:04:16,100 Oh William. 53 00:04:17,666 --> 00:04:19,596 You can see my predicament. 54 00:04:19,598 --> 00:04:20,731 (LIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 55 00:04:20,733 --> 00:04:22,897 One of my lifeguards is suicidal. 56 00:04:22,899 --> 00:04:24,467 That's hardly reassuring. 57 00:04:25,665 --> 00:04:28,199 I'm really trying to understand William- 58 00:04:32,798 --> 00:04:34,964 you're not the only one with problems you know. 59 00:04:34,966 --> 00:04:37,630 Yeah, the world is shit. 60 00:04:37,632 --> 00:04:39,229 But if you stare all day at the shit 61 00:04:39,231 --> 00:04:42,033 then there's no wonder you can only see shit. 62 00:04:43,265 --> 00:04:44,563 The trick is to find something 63 00:04:44,565 --> 00:04:45,866 that makes it appear bearable. 64 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:48,196 You've got the gun in your mouth, 65 00:04:48,198 --> 00:04:50,564 your finger on the trigger but you think, 66 00:04:50,566 --> 00:04:51,666 "I've never eaten a Twix." 67 00:04:55,633 --> 00:04:56,563 What? 68 00:04:56,565 --> 00:04:57,497 It's about finding something 69 00:04:57,499 --> 00:04:59,466 to distract you from the terrible reality. 70 00:05:00,799 --> 00:05:02,263 Like this job. 71 00:05:02,265 --> 00:05:03,664 I work in a leisure center. 72 00:05:03,666 --> 00:05:05,664 You're a lifeguard! 73 00:05:05,666 --> 00:05:08,596 What could be more important than saving people's lives? 74 00:05:08,598 --> 00:05:10,531 But when did I last save someone? 75 00:05:10,533 --> 00:05:11,163 Last year. 76 00:05:11,165 --> 00:05:12,098 Mrs Richards. 77 00:05:12,100 --> 00:05:13,663 She was in the shallow end. 78 00:05:13,665 --> 00:05:15,131 She was in distress. 79 00:05:15,133 --> 00:05:16,596 She could put her feet down. 80 00:05:16,598 --> 00:05:17,731 But she didn't. 81 00:05:17,733 --> 00:05:20,233 She was panicking and you saved her. 82 00:05:22,565 --> 00:05:23,697 (SIGHING) 83 00:05:23,699 --> 00:05:24,900 That's the problem, William. 84 00:05:26,232 --> 00:05:28,133 Besides your questionable attitude, 85 00:05:30,566 --> 00:05:31,767 you need to be here! 86 00:05:34,899 --> 00:05:36,700 I don't think you're suited to this profession. 87 00:05:38,532 --> 00:05:39,632 We have to let you go. 88 00:05:40,566 --> 00:05:41,296 (DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 89 00:05:41,298 --> 00:05:42,766 Think of this as a good thing. 90 00:05:43,832 --> 00:05:45,766 Now you can concentrate on your writing. 91 00:06:15,099 --> 00:06:18,531 (LIGHT POP MUSIC) 92 00:06:18,533 --> 00:06:20,664 (DOOR CLOSING) 93 00:06:20,666 --> 00:06:23,566 (ENVELOPE RIPPING) 94 00:06:28,064 --> 00:06:31,797 ♪ Running just as fast we can ♪ 95 00:06:31,799 --> 00:06:34,931 ♪ Holding onto one another's hand ♪ 96 00:06:34,933 --> 00:06:37,731 ♪ Trying to get away into the night ♪ 97 00:06:37,733 --> 00:06:39,897 ♪ And then you put your arms around me ♪ 98 00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:44,229 ♪ And we tumble to the ground and then we say ♪ 99 00:06:44,231 --> 00:06:46,530 ♪ I think we're alone now ♪ 100 00:06:46,532 --> 00:06:50,564 ♪ There doesn't seem to be anyone around ♪ 101 00:06:50,566 --> 00:06:52,697 ♪ I think we're alone now ♪ 102 00:06:52,699 --> 00:06:57,700 ♪ The beating of our hearts is the only sound ♪ 103 00:07:06,031 --> 00:07:08,531 ♪ Look at the way ♪ 104 00:07:08,533 --> 00:07:11,197 ♪ We gotta hide what we're doing ♪ 105 00:07:11,199 --> 00:07:12,830 (GAS HISSING) 106 00:07:12,832 --> 00:07:15,964 ♪ What would they say ♪ 107 00:07:15,966 --> 00:07:17,696 ♪ If they ever knew ♪ 108 00:07:17,698 --> 00:07:21,930 ♪ And so we're running just as fast as we can ♪ 109 00:07:21,932 --> 00:07:24,631 ♪ Holding onto one another's hand ♪ 110 00:07:24,633 --> 00:07:26,530 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 111 00:07:26,532 --> 00:07:28,531 ♪ Trying to get away into the night ♪ 112 00:07:28,533 --> 00:07:30,831 ♪ And then you put your arms around me ♪ 113 00:07:30,833 --> 00:07:32,264 ♪ And we tumble to the ground ♪ 114 00:07:32,266 --> 00:07:33,696 ♪ And then we say ♪ 115 00:07:33,698 --> 00:07:34,830 AUTOMATED VOICE: Thank you for calling 116 00:07:34,832 --> 00:07:37,664 NRG gas and electrical supplies. 117 00:07:37,666 --> 00:07:40,596 If you've been disconnected due to an unpaid bill, 118 00:07:40,598 --> 00:07:41,563 please press one. 119 00:07:41,565 --> 00:07:42,197 (PHONE BEEPING) 120 00:07:42,199 --> 00:07:43,500 Yes, I was away. 121 00:07:45,598 --> 00:07:47,699 No I was hoping it would be permanent. 122 00:07:48,933 --> 00:07:50,467 No I wasn't trying... 123 00:07:52,031 --> 00:07:54,062 (SIGHING) 124 00:07:54,064 --> 00:07:57,766 (DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 125 00:08:06,031 --> 00:08:10,897 ♪ You're cold and you're old ♪ 126 00:08:10,899 --> 00:08:15,899 ♪ You're older and you're down ♪ 127 00:08:16,964 --> 00:08:21,966 ♪ Friends you have chosen ♪ 128 00:08:22,866 --> 00:08:27,567 ♪ And ties you have woven ♪ 129 00:08:28,598 --> 00:08:32,664 ♪ No longer for you ♪ 130 00:08:32,666 --> 00:08:35,066 ♪ I'm behind ♪ 131 00:08:55,031 --> 00:08:56,564 Mr O'Neil? 132 00:08:56,566 --> 00:08:58,633 (COUGHING) 133 00:09:06,198 --> 00:09:07,697 Mr O'Neil? 134 00:09:07,699 --> 00:09:09,663 I said 11 o'clock. 135 00:09:09,665 --> 00:09:12,166 It is now seven minutes past. 136 00:09:13,998 --> 00:09:14,831 Yes. 137 00:09:14,833 --> 00:09:15,665 Sorry. 138 00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:20,196 You said we could discuss some options... 139 00:09:20,198 --> 00:09:22,197 I said we should meet at 11. 140 00:09:22,199 --> 00:09:25,196 I dare say it's that casual attitude 141 00:09:25,198 --> 00:09:28,065 to arrangements that has led to your current predicament. 142 00:09:31,699 --> 00:09:32,764 Tea? 143 00:09:32,766 --> 00:09:33,596 Sorry. 144 00:09:33,598 --> 00:09:35,162 Yes, thank you. 145 00:09:35,164 --> 00:09:37,566 Sorry, you're not what I imagined. 146 00:09:40,566 --> 00:09:41,834 Meet many assassins do you? 147 00:09:43,632 --> 00:09:46,631 It's just I never pictured a polo neck. 148 00:09:46,633 --> 00:09:47,897 What's wrong with a polo neck? 149 00:09:47,899 --> 00:09:49,196 My wife got it for me. 150 00:09:49,198 --> 00:09:50,631 What should I be wearing? 151 00:09:50,633 --> 00:09:51,664 I don't know. 152 00:09:51,666 --> 00:09:52,297 A cardigan? 153 00:09:52,299 --> 00:09:53,229 No! 154 00:09:53,231 --> 00:09:54,165 Hitmen don't wear cardigans! 155 00:09:55,365 --> 00:09:58,632 Well I'm so sorry I'm not living up to your expectations. 156 00:10:04,798 --> 00:10:07,532 Are you sure you're up to this? 157 00:10:10,099 --> 00:10:11,500 Let me tell you something. 158 00:10:12,932 --> 00:10:15,664 I've killed more people than you've had hot baths. 159 00:10:15,666 --> 00:10:17,297 I'm the angel of death. 160 00:10:17,299 --> 00:10:19,597 I'm Abbadon the destroyer. 161 00:10:19,599 --> 00:10:21,530 I'm a one man euthanasia clinic. 162 00:10:21,532 --> 00:10:25,032 Only with me you don't have to go to Switzerland. 163 00:10:26,565 --> 00:10:28,730 Ever been to Switzerland? 164 00:10:28,732 --> 00:10:29,664 No. 165 00:10:29,666 --> 00:10:31,596 And now you never will. 166 00:10:31,598 --> 00:10:32,930 If you're serious. 167 00:10:32,932 --> 00:10:33,763 I'm serious. 168 00:10:33,765 --> 00:10:34,996 LESLIE: How serious? 169 00:10:34,998 --> 00:10:37,631 Serious enough to phone an assassin. 170 00:10:37,633 --> 00:10:38,862 That serious enough? 171 00:10:38,864 --> 00:10:40,663 How do I know you are really serious 172 00:10:40,665 --> 00:10:43,263 and not just saying you're really serious? 173 00:10:43,265 --> 00:10:47,098 When we met, on the bridge, that wasn't my first time. 174 00:10:48,199 --> 00:10:49,597 Go on. 175 00:10:49,599 --> 00:10:51,162 That was the seventh. 176 00:10:51,164 --> 00:10:52,631 Tenth if you count the cries for help. 177 00:10:52,633 --> 00:10:54,563 (LIGHT GUITAR MUSIC) 178 00:10:54,565 --> 00:10:55,963 I tried hanging, 179 00:10:55,965 --> 00:10:58,200 (GRUNTING) 180 00:10:59,899 --> 00:11:00,897 gassing, 181 00:11:00,899 --> 00:11:03,966 (CAR ENGINE REVVING) 182 00:11:04,999 --> 00:11:08,063 (CAR STALLING) (YELLING) 183 00:11:08,065 --> 00:11:09,533 booze and pills, 184 00:11:13,031 --> 00:11:15,730 (VOMITING) 185 00:11:15,732 --> 00:11:16,732 electrocution. 186 00:11:17,599 --> 00:11:21,063 (ELECTRICITY ZAPPING) 187 00:11:21,065 --> 00:11:23,297 Oh, and I waked into a main road. 188 00:11:23,299 --> 00:11:24,830 LESLIE: How did you survive that? 189 00:11:24,832 --> 00:11:26,531 WILLIAM: I was hit by an ambulance. 190 00:11:26,533 --> 00:11:28,062 You couldn't be in better hands. 191 00:11:28,064 --> 00:11:28,997 Great. 192 00:11:28,999 --> 00:11:30,296 (LAUGHING) 193 00:11:30,298 --> 00:11:31,162 Oh, Jesus Christ. 194 00:11:31,164 --> 00:11:32,466 You really do need me. 195 00:11:33,832 --> 00:11:35,896 I started to worry that I might be immortal. 196 00:11:35,898 --> 00:11:38,599 I've never met anyone I couldn't kill. 197 00:11:39,566 --> 00:11:41,467 Actually I wrote a book on the topic. 198 00:11:43,532 --> 00:11:44,896 My Many Deaths. 199 00:11:44,898 --> 00:11:46,862 It's unpublished. 200 00:11:46,864 --> 00:11:49,532 Okay, so how do you want this to happen? 201 00:11:50,733 --> 00:11:53,563 You're not going to garotte me are you? 202 00:11:53,565 --> 00:11:55,531 I don't want to be garotted. 203 00:11:55,533 --> 00:11:56,830 What makes you think that? 204 00:11:56,832 --> 00:11:59,533 I'm getting a strong feeling of garotting. 205 00:12:00,599 --> 00:12:01,962 Is it the polo neck? 206 00:12:01,964 --> 00:12:03,098 It's not helping. 207 00:12:04,698 --> 00:12:05,499 No garotting. 208 00:12:06,699 --> 00:12:07,533 You have my word. 209 00:12:09,998 --> 00:12:11,596 So, what are my options? 210 00:12:11,598 --> 00:12:16,096 Here, look, I've got a brochure. 211 00:12:16,098 --> 00:12:19,533 (LIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 212 00:12:22,698 --> 00:12:25,597 So, you just hang around bridges, 213 00:12:25,599 --> 00:12:28,929 trying to find clients? 214 00:12:28,931 --> 00:12:31,096 Bridges, cliffs, tall buildings. 215 00:12:31,098 --> 00:12:32,896 Usual places. 216 00:12:32,898 --> 00:12:35,664 Killing yourself is a lot harder than people think. 217 00:12:35,666 --> 00:12:36,632 Tell me about it. 218 00:12:38,065 --> 00:12:39,631 There's not much work for a conventional hitman 219 00:12:39,633 --> 00:12:40,467 these days. 220 00:12:41,764 --> 00:12:44,233 All the Eastern Europeans taking our jobs. 221 00:12:45,632 --> 00:12:46,830 But I had to meet my quota somehow. 222 00:12:46,832 --> 00:12:49,599 So, you came along just at the right time, as it happens. 223 00:12:53,032 --> 00:12:54,597 WILLIAM: What about this one? 224 00:12:54,599 --> 00:12:56,729 LESLIE: Ah, the hero's death. 225 00:12:56,731 --> 00:12:59,630 This would be perfect. 226 00:12:59,632 --> 00:13:04,599 Killed saving the life of a child, a beautiful nurse 227 00:13:05,299 --> 00:13:07,533 crying over my bloodied body, 228 00:13:08,665 --> 00:13:11,296 a small crowd gathered. 229 00:13:11,298 --> 00:13:12,466 Maybe they're clapping? 230 00:13:13,665 --> 00:13:14,962 Do you know a beautiful nurse? 231 00:13:14,964 --> 00:13:15,897 No. 232 00:13:15,899 --> 00:13:18,230 Do you have access to a child? 233 00:13:18,232 --> 00:13:19,066 No. 234 00:13:20,164 --> 00:13:21,663 Well I'm not saying I can't do it, 235 00:13:21,665 --> 00:13:24,596 but there's a lot of admin involved. 236 00:13:24,598 --> 00:13:25,729 And it's not cheap. 237 00:13:25,731 --> 00:13:27,696 What's your budget? 238 00:13:27,698 --> 00:13:29,062 Well, I've got around two grand. 239 00:13:29,064 --> 00:13:30,296 Two thousand? 240 00:13:30,298 --> 00:13:34,232 I wouldn't reverse over you in a Ford Fiesta for that money. 241 00:13:36,732 --> 00:13:37,866 Well what can you do? 242 00:13:45,632 --> 00:13:47,132 LESLIE: Quick and painless. 243 00:13:49,697 --> 00:13:50,530 Right. 244 00:13:50,532 --> 00:13:52,163 And even then I'm doing you a deal. 245 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,533 For two grand, it's usually quick but painful. 246 00:13:56,698 --> 00:13:58,029 How? 247 00:13:58,031 --> 00:13:59,263 Well, I'd shoot you. 248 00:13:59,265 --> 00:14:00,063 From a distance. 249 00:14:00,065 --> 00:14:00,996 One shot. 250 00:14:00,998 --> 00:14:01,898 You'd never see it coming. 251 00:14:08,631 --> 00:14:09,695 Okay. 252 00:14:09,697 --> 00:14:10,896 Deal. 253 00:14:10,898 --> 00:14:11,730 (CLAPPING) 254 00:14:11,732 --> 00:14:12,796 Excellent. 255 00:14:12,798 --> 00:14:14,663 Here we go. 256 00:14:14,665 --> 00:14:15,696 Standard contract. 257 00:14:15,698 --> 00:14:16,897 Name? 258 00:14:16,899 --> 00:14:17,930 William Morrison. 259 00:14:17,932 --> 00:14:18,863 Address? 260 00:14:18,865 --> 00:14:21,163 Flat three, 27 Drake St. 261 00:14:21,165 --> 00:14:22,500 Reason for wanting death? 262 00:14:24,964 --> 00:14:25,862 Why do you want to die? 263 00:14:25,864 --> 00:14:28,263 Is it terminal illness? 264 00:14:28,265 --> 00:14:30,233 Money problems? 265 00:14:32,999 --> 00:14:35,500 Do you ever wonder what's the point? 266 00:14:37,098 --> 00:14:38,162 Frequently. 267 00:14:38,164 --> 00:14:39,632 What's the point of me? 268 00:14:40,565 --> 00:14:41,897 Why am I here? 269 00:14:41,899 --> 00:14:43,795 What am I contributing? 270 00:14:43,797 --> 00:14:45,763 I think about that all the time. 271 00:14:45,765 --> 00:14:47,795 (DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 272 00:14:47,797 --> 00:14:49,732 Over and over and over. 273 00:14:52,131 --> 00:14:54,562 And I want to switch my brain off, 274 00:14:54,564 --> 00:14:58,965 but it builds until it becomes unbearable. 275 00:14:59,964 --> 00:15:02,030 It's like my brain is on fire, 276 00:15:02,032 --> 00:15:03,663 like it's burning from the inside. 277 00:15:03,665 --> 00:15:05,599 And I want it to stop, to feel nothing. 278 00:15:07,598 --> 00:15:09,566 I've never talked to anyone about this. 279 00:15:11,231 --> 00:15:12,962 We're already dying. 280 00:15:12,964 --> 00:15:14,132 Just very slowly. 281 00:15:15,564 --> 00:15:16,829 Life's one long terminal il... 282 00:15:16,831 --> 00:15:19,163 Yeah, yeah, look it's a very small box. 283 00:15:19,165 --> 00:15:20,098 I'll write cancer. 284 00:15:21,565 --> 00:15:22,166 Okay. 285 00:15:23,665 --> 00:15:25,632 All right, sign here. 286 00:15:29,198 --> 00:15:30,196 Excellent. 287 00:15:30,198 --> 00:15:32,896 (LAUGHING) 288 00:15:32,898 --> 00:15:35,595 Well, congratulations. 289 00:15:35,597 --> 00:15:37,965 You've just signed your own death warrant. 290 00:15:39,932 --> 00:15:41,630 When will it happen? 291 00:15:41,632 --> 00:15:42,430 Oh, anytime within a week 292 00:15:42,432 --> 00:15:44,729 of the money clearing our account. 293 00:15:44,731 --> 00:15:46,097 All the money up front? 294 00:15:46,099 --> 00:15:48,562 Well we can't get it afterwards, can we? 295 00:15:48,564 --> 00:15:50,762 But how do I know this isn't a scam? 296 00:15:50,764 --> 00:15:52,663 Do you have any references? 297 00:15:52,665 --> 00:15:55,762 I'll give you a list of graves you can visit. 298 00:15:55,764 --> 00:15:57,663 You pay the money into an escrow account 299 00:15:57,665 --> 00:16:00,196 run by the British Guild of Assassins. 300 00:16:00,198 --> 00:16:02,962 The money isn't transferred to me until after your death. 301 00:16:02,964 --> 00:16:04,997 And if you're not dead within a week, 302 00:16:04,999 --> 00:16:06,531 you'll get your money back. 303 00:16:07,631 --> 00:16:08,897 The Guild of Assassins? 304 00:16:08,899 --> 00:16:10,563 Never heard of it. 305 00:16:10,565 --> 00:16:12,662 We don't advertise. 306 00:16:12,664 --> 00:16:15,133 And the word of mouth is limited. 307 00:16:16,631 --> 00:16:18,595 What's it like, a union? 308 00:16:18,597 --> 00:16:20,696 We're not bus drivers. 309 00:16:20,698 --> 00:16:24,563 It's a co-operative bound by a strict code of conduct. 310 00:16:24,565 --> 00:16:27,062 An assassin is not just a man with a gun. 311 00:16:27,064 --> 00:16:28,098 We're not murderers. 312 00:16:29,065 --> 00:16:30,065 We're professionals. 313 00:16:31,564 --> 00:16:32,531 And what do I do? 314 00:16:33,598 --> 00:16:35,596 Do what you normally do. 315 00:16:35,598 --> 00:16:37,629 Just don't hide in a cupboard for the week. 316 00:16:37,631 --> 00:16:39,097 I don't mind, I'll kill you anyway, 317 00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:41,499 but you'll regret it. 318 00:16:42,697 --> 00:16:43,532 Okay. 319 00:16:45,031 --> 00:16:45,866 Right. 320 00:16:48,265 --> 00:16:50,595 You seem like a decent man. 321 00:16:50,597 --> 00:16:52,096 I'm very happy to kill you. 322 00:16:52,098 --> 00:16:53,631 I'm very happy to die. 323 00:16:57,764 --> 00:17:00,197 (DOOR OPENING) 324 00:17:00,199 --> 00:17:03,599 (LIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 325 00:17:09,031 --> 00:17:11,930 (INTERCOM BUZZING) 326 00:17:11,932 --> 00:17:12,862 WENDY: Hello? 327 00:17:12,864 --> 00:17:13,632 LESLIE: Yes, it's Leslie. 328 00:17:16,165 --> 00:17:16,996 WENDY: Hello, Les. 329 00:17:16,998 --> 00:17:18,196 Hi Wendy. 330 00:17:18,198 --> 00:17:19,698 I need to register this contract. 331 00:17:29,565 --> 00:17:30,200 Look at that! 332 00:17:31,565 --> 00:17:32,632 Well done you! 333 00:17:33,664 --> 00:17:34,497 Just in time. 334 00:17:35,598 --> 00:17:38,062 Those assisted suicides were a great idea. 335 00:17:38,064 --> 00:17:39,962 He's just needs to transfer the money. 336 00:17:39,964 --> 00:17:41,063 He seemed keen. 337 00:17:41,065 --> 00:17:42,264 Depressed was he? 338 00:17:42,266 --> 00:17:43,696 He's another writer. 339 00:17:43,698 --> 00:17:45,062 Unpublished. 340 00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:46,896 That's the trouble with some people. 341 00:17:46,898 --> 00:17:48,063 They think too much. 342 00:17:48,065 --> 00:17:49,563 (STAPLER CLICKING) 343 00:17:49,565 --> 00:17:50,729 Is Harvey in? 344 00:17:50,731 --> 00:17:52,929 They're all at the conference. 345 00:17:52,931 --> 00:17:55,030 Didn't you get the newsletter? 346 00:17:55,032 --> 00:17:56,030 No. 347 00:17:56,032 --> 00:17:57,297 It's today and tomorrow. 348 00:17:57,299 --> 00:18:01,197 They're staying at a hotel in Egham. 349 00:18:01,199 --> 00:18:02,766 Here's the schedule. 350 00:18:06,299 --> 00:18:07,563 Mmmm. 351 00:18:07,565 --> 00:18:08,829 Buffet lunch. 352 00:18:08,831 --> 00:18:11,632 So have you got the Ruger Precision? 353 00:18:13,797 --> 00:18:14,695 No, Leslie I'm sorry. 354 00:18:14,697 --> 00:18:15,965 It's out at the moment. 355 00:18:17,565 --> 00:18:18,833 We've got plenty of handguns? 356 00:18:20,164 --> 00:18:21,662 Glock 17? 357 00:18:21,664 --> 00:18:23,232 Let me just get that for you. 358 00:18:25,531 --> 00:18:28,999 (DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 359 00:18:33,198 --> 00:18:35,030 Ammunition is in the case. 360 00:18:35,032 --> 00:18:36,563 Can you have it back by Thursday? 361 00:18:36,565 --> 00:18:37,466 Yeah, yeah. 362 00:18:39,797 --> 00:18:41,862 Have you still got the Browning? 363 00:18:41,864 --> 00:18:45,062 No, no, I brought that back last week. 364 00:18:45,064 --> 00:18:46,498 It's saying it's still out. 365 00:18:48,199 --> 00:18:49,466 Where is it then? 366 00:18:59,266 --> 00:19:00,530 Les? 367 00:19:00,532 --> 00:19:02,663 Did you get the Worcester sauce? 368 00:19:02,665 --> 00:19:03,695 (SIGHING) 369 00:19:03,697 --> 00:19:04,762 Oh, Leslie! 370 00:19:04,764 --> 00:19:05,930 Well, I'll go now. 371 00:19:05,932 --> 00:19:08,264 No, no, it's not essential. 372 00:19:08,266 --> 00:19:10,030 Look, I'm sorry. 373 00:19:10,032 --> 00:19:11,566 Just be a bit bland. 374 00:19:12,532 --> 00:19:13,863 Well I will go. 375 00:19:13,865 --> 00:19:14,695 No, you're home now. 376 00:19:14,697 --> 00:19:16,130 Don't worry. 377 00:19:16,132 --> 00:19:17,166 I'll add some Bovril. 378 00:19:22,064 --> 00:19:25,230 (BIRDS CHIRPING) 379 00:19:25,232 --> 00:19:26,066 Hello boys. 380 00:19:27,065 --> 00:19:27,966 How are you today? 381 00:19:29,864 --> 00:19:30,966 What's wrong with you? 382 00:19:31,932 --> 00:19:32,766 You all right? 383 00:19:34,531 --> 00:19:36,632 I thought we could have it on trays. 384 00:19:42,064 --> 00:19:43,829 NARRATOR: It's hard to move quickly 385 00:19:43,831 --> 00:19:45,930 when you only eat plants 386 00:19:45,932 --> 00:19:47,630 (GRUNTING) 387 00:19:47,632 --> 00:19:49,532 It's a three-toed sloth 388 00:19:50,665 --> 00:19:52,732 The sloth hangs from branches, eating plants 389 00:19:53,964 --> 00:19:55,529 Bland? 390 00:19:55,531 --> 00:19:56,498 Delicious. 391 00:19:59,931 --> 00:20:01,163 I don't know how I'm going to finish this 392 00:20:01,165 --> 00:20:02,566 in time for the Southern Counties. 393 00:20:04,765 --> 00:20:06,530 What I was thinking? 394 00:20:06,532 --> 00:20:07,599 You'll get it done. 395 00:20:09,064 --> 00:20:11,233 NARRATOR: Sloths are not exactly enthusiastic eaters, 396 00:20:12,597 --> 00:20:17,030 but meals takes up a sizeable proportion of the day, 397 00:20:17,032 --> 00:20:18,899 it's a constant cycle. 398 00:20:20,131 --> 00:20:20,965 Yep. 399 00:20:22,531 --> 00:20:23,662 Bland. 400 00:20:23,664 --> 00:20:27,098 (LIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 401 00:20:31,831 --> 00:20:33,898 My life was long enough 402 00:20:39,198 --> 00:20:44,200 and full of distress. 403 00:20:44,998 --> 00:20:48,565 Unlike my death, 404 00:20:49,564 --> 00:20:52,565 which was quick and painless. 405 00:21:17,564 --> 00:21:18,997 RADIO ANNOUNCER: The time is 8:19 406 00:21:18,999 --> 00:21:22,599 and now a summary of this morning's news. 407 00:21:24,864 --> 00:21:27,596 This one goes the whole way round. 408 00:21:27,598 --> 00:21:29,730 120 nights. 409 00:21:29,732 --> 00:21:31,630 Imagine, 410 00:21:31,632 --> 00:21:33,766 wouldn't that be incredible? 411 00:21:35,532 --> 00:21:38,162 There's places here I've never even heard of. 412 00:21:38,164 --> 00:21:39,499 Nuku'Alofa. 413 00:21:41,664 --> 00:21:42,565 Nuku'Alofa. 414 00:21:43,965 --> 00:21:45,762 It's in Tonga. 415 00:21:45,764 --> 00:21:48,129 And they've got an offer on if you book early. 416 00:21:48,131 --> 00:21:49,962 Listen love, about that... 417 00:21:49,964 --> 00:21:53,663 Oh Les, you said this year. 418 00:21:53,665 --> 00:21:55,762 You said that you were going to retire this year 419 00:21:55,764 --> 00:21:57,062 and we could go 'round the world. 420 00:21:57,064 --> 00:21:58,863 No, I said I'd think about retiring 421 00:21:58,865 --> 00:22:01,696 and I have thought about it and I've decided 422 00:22:01,698 --> 00:22:03,599 that I'm not ready. 423 00:22:05,064 --> 00:22:07,195 Don't worry, the world will still be there next year. 424 00:22:07,197 --> 00:22:09,129 But will we, Leslie? 425 00:22:09,131 --> 00:22:10,595 You should be enjoying life, 426 00:22:10,597 --> 00:22:12,662 not working yourself into an early grave. 427 00:22:12,664 --> 00:22:14,262 I love my work. 428 00:22:14,264 --> 00:22:15,430 And what about Harvey? 429 00:22:15,432 --> 00:22:18,529 I thought he wanted to give more work to the youngsters? 430 00:22:18,531 --> 00:22:19,430 He can do what he likes. 431 00:22:19,432 --> 00:22:21,562 I've already fulfilled his stupid quota. 432 00:22:21,564 --> 00:22:22,696 You have? 433 00:22:22,698 --> 00:22:23,795 Yes. 434 00:22:23,797 --> 00:22:25,465 The money just needs to be transferred, that's all. 435 00:22:27,164 --> 00:22:29,696 At least you can be happy for me? 436 00:22:29,698 --> 00:22:30,763 RADIO ANNOUNCER: Budgies can fly 437 00:22:30,765 --> 00:22:33,062 at over 90 kilometers per hour, 438 00:22:33,064 --> 00:22:34,730 and cover huge territories, 439 00:22:34,732 --> 00:22:37,598 (PHONE RINGING) 440 00:22:41,297 --> 00:22:43,030 (PHONE BEEPING) 441 00:22:43,032 --> 00:22:45,262 Leslie O'Neil. 442 00:22:45,264 --> 00:22:46,529 WILLIAM: Mr O'Neil? 443 00:22:46,531 --> 00:22:47,563 Yeah. 444 00:22:47,565 --> 00:22:49,161 It's William Morrison. 445 00:22:49,163 --> 00:22:51,263 I've transferred the money. 446 00:22:51,265 --> 00:22:56,465 But I have a few things I want to do first, 447 00:22:57,765 --> 00:22:59,295 so I was wondering if you could give me a rough idea 448 00:22:59,297 --> 00:23:01,030 in terms of timescale. 449 00:23:01,032 --> 00:23:03,796 William, this isn't a good time. 450 00:23:03,798 --> 00:23:04,997 I'm at work. 451 00:23:04,999 --> 00:23:06,196 What? 452 00:23:06,198 --> 00:23:07,662 Right now? 453 00:23:07,664 --> 00:23:09,498 What, you're going to kill someone right now? 454 00:23:10,797 --> 00:23:12,762 Wait, it's not me, is it? 455 00:23:12,764 --> 00:23:14,796 No, it isn't you. 456 00:23:14,798 --> 00:23:15,632 Oh. 457 00:23:16,698 --> 00:23:17,929 LESLIE: Bye, William. 458 00:23:17,931 --> 00:23:20,599 (PHONE BEEPING) 459 00:23:25,064 --> 00:23:28,566 (LIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 460 00:23:42,898 --> 00:23:44,566 Book idea. 461 00:23:46,265 --> 00:23:48,562 (DOORBELL BUZZING) 462 00:23:48,564 --> 00:23:53,566 An assassin who only kills people who want to die. 463 00:23:55,230 --> 00:23:56,763 I was hoping it would be you. 464 00:23:56,765 --> 00:23:57,729 LESLIE: Have a nice death. 465 00:23:57,731 --> 00:24:00,061 (GUN FIRING) 466 00:24:00,063 --> 00:24:02,596 WILLIAM VOICEOVER: He holds death in his hand 467 00:24:02,598 --> 00:24:06,196 and delivers it with the precision of a surgeon. 468 00:24:06,198 --> 00:24:08,096 I'm not quite dead. 469 00:24:08,098 --> 00:24:09,096 Oh my god! 470 00:24:09,098 --> 00:24:10,629 I'm so sorry, Mrs Rehmann. 471 00:24:10,631 --> 00:24:11,663 I'll have another go. 472 00:24:11,665 --> 00:24:13,899 (GUN FIRING) 473 00:24:15,097 --> 00:24:17,196 WILLIAM: Benevolently shuffling lesser beings 474 00:24:17,198 --> 00:24:18,963 off their mortal coil. 475 00:24:18,965 --> 00:24:21,061 Oh, that's very good Penny. 476 00:24:21,063 --> 00:24:22,695 Oh, thank you, Clive. 477 00:24:22,697 --> 00:24:25,662 It will be if I can get it right. 478 00:24:25,664 --> 00:24:27,663 WILLIAM: A hard-drinking enigma. 479 00:24:27,665 --> 00:24:30,195 Single malt his only companion. 480 00:24:30,197 --> 00:24:33,998 A man of action and unique skills. 481 00:24:35,597 --> 00:24:38,798 PENNY: Oh Les, you didn't have anything else? 482 00:24:42,164 --> 00:24:44,763 He lies in wait, ready to pounce. 483 00:24:44,765 --> 00:24:48,132 Stalking his prey with a ruthless efficiency. 484 00:24:49,532 --> 00:24:50,863 A master of stealth. 485 00:24:50,865 --> 00:24:52,595 (DOOR LOCKING) 486 00:24:52,597 --> 00:24:53,529 Do you want this? 487 00:24:53,531 --> 00:24:54,995 KID: You don't want it? 488 00:24:54,997 --> 00:24:57,498 WILLIAM VOICEOVER: A connoisseur of concealment. 489 00:24:59,631 --> 00:25:03,765 Moving in the shadows, he sees all, but is never seen. 490 00:25:04,731 --> 00:25:06,629 The grim reaper. 491 00:25:06,631 --> 00:25:08,296 Abbadon the destroyer. 492 00:25:08,298 --> 00:25:11,699 To look at him is to look into the face of death. 493 00:25:13,864 --> 00:25:15,763 A lone wolf. 494 00:25:15,765 --> 00:25:16,929 Taciturn. 495 00:25:16,931 --> 00:25:18,195 What the hell are you doing? 496 00:25:18,197 --> 00:25:19,630 I've only been gone about five minutes. 497 00:25:19,632 --> 00:25:20,662 No, no. 498 00:25:20,664 --> 00:25:21,529 Sorry, Sir. 499 00:25:21,531 --> 00:25:23,065 It's already in the system. 500 00:25:24,064 --> 00:25:25,565 Oh to hell with you 501 00:25:26,697 --> 00:25:29,595 and your stupid hat and your stupid scooter! 502 00:25:29,597 --> 00:25:30,665 Unknowable. 503 00:25:32,832 --> 00:25:34,499 He hasn't chosen this life. 504 00:25:35,964 --> 00:25:37,699 It has chosen him. 505 00:25:48,063 --> 00:25:50,765 (PHONE RINGING) 506 00:25:56,631 --> 00:25:57,829 Hello? 507 00:25:57,831 --> 00:26:00,263 ELLIE: Oh, is this William Morrison? 508 00:26:00,265 --> 00:26:01,095 Yeah. 509 00:26:01,097 --> 00:26:02,196 ELLIE: Oh, thank god. 510 00:26:02,198 --> 00:26:03,532 You're not dead. 511 00:26:04,631 --> 00:26:05,629 WILLIAM: I'm working on it. 512 00:26:05,631 --> 00:26:06,562 ELLIE: Well, that's great. 513 00:26:06,564 --> 00:26:08,529 I thought I might be too late. 514 00:26:08,531 --> 00:26:10,065 WILLIAM: Sorry, who are you? 515 00:26:12,265 --> 00:26:15,162 My name is Ellie Adams and I work at Steeden & Sons. 516 00:26:15,164 --> 00:26:16,296 The publishers? 517 00:26:16,298 --> 00:26:19,662 ELLIE: Yeah, I want to talk to you about your book. 518 00:26:19,664 --> 00:26:20,729 WILLIAM: What about it? 519 00:26:20,731 --> 00:26:21,731 ELLIE: I read it. 520 00:26:22,997 --> 00:26:23,830 Really? 521 00:26:23,832 --> 00:26:24,663 ELLIE: Yeah. 522 00:26:24,665 --> 00:26:25,596 The whole thing? 523 00:26:25,598 --> 00:26:27,128 Yeah. 524 00:26:27,130 --> 00:26:30,196 You're pretty fucked up. 525 00:26:30,198 --> 00:26:31,196 No offense. 526 00:26:31,198 --> 00:26:32,295 WILLIAM: None taken. 527 00:26:32,297 --> 00:26:34,262 ELLIE: I want to set up a meeting with my boss. 528 00:26:34,264 --> 00:26:35,098 How's next week? 529 00:26:37,197 --> 00:26:38,228 No! 530 00:26:38,230 --> 00:26:42,532 No, I can't, um, anything sooner? 531 00:26:43,798 --> 00:26:45,262 ELLIE: Okay. 532 00:26:45,264 --> 00:26:47,563 Actually something just canceled tomorrow lunchtime. 533 00:26:47,565 --> 00:26:48,795 How's that? 534 00:26:48,797 --> 00:26:50,595 Yeah. 535 00:26:50,597 --> 00:26:52,061 I should be able to make it. 536 00:26:52,063 --> 00:26:53,162 ELLIE: Perfect. 537 00:26:53,164 --> 00:26:54,996 Do you know Fantacci's? 538 00:26:54,998 --> 00:26:55,862 Yep. 539 00:26:55,864 --> 00:26:56,796 ELLIE: One o'clock? 540 00:26:56,798 --> 00:26:57,630 Okay. 541 00:26:57,632 --> 00:26:59,095 ELLIE: Great. 542 00:26:59,097 --> 00:27:00,595 Just please don't kill yourself in the meantime. 543 00:27:00,597 --> 00:27:02,663 Or if you do, can you let me know 544 00:27:02,665 --> 00:27:04,562 and I'll cancel the table? 545 00:27:04,564 --> 00:27:05,195 Thanks! 546 00:27:05,197 --> 00:27:08,598 (LIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 547 00:27:14,231 --> 00:27:15,065 Morning. 548 00:27:18,565 --> 00:27:20,696 Sorry, I was having a sandwich. 549 00:27:20,698 --> 00:27:22,698 I just wanted to ask a favor. 550 00:27:24,063 --> 00:27:25,828 You're not having second thoughts, are you? 551 00:27:25,830 --> 00:27:27,295 No, no, not at all. 552 00:27:27,297 --> 00:27:30,763 I just wondered if we could postpone? 553 00:27:30,765 --> 00:27:32,262 Postpone? 554 00:27:32,264 --> 00:27:33,195 Yes. 555 00:27:33,197 --> 00:27:35,563 I had a call from a publisher's 556 00:27:35,565 --> 00:27:37,129 and they're interested in my book. 557 00:27:37,131 --> 00:27:40,896 They wanted to meet me next week, but I said absolutely not 558 00:27:40,898 --> 00:27:45,898 So we're having lunch at one tomorrow at Fantacci's. 559 00:27:47,632 --> 00:27:48,562 Do you know it? 560 00:27:48,564 --> 00:27:52,296 But you still want to die? 561 00:27:52,298 --> 00:27:53,229 WILLIAM: Absolutely. 562 00:27:53,231 --> 00:27:54,662 Because we have a contract. 563 00:27:54,664 --> 00:27:55,961 You can plead all you like, lots of people do, 564 00:27:55,963 --> 00:27:58,530 but it's non-refundable. 565 00:27:58,532 --> 00:28:00,962 You did read the small print? 566 00:28:00,964 --> 00:28:04,765 You're only alive because I haven't killed you yet. 567 00:28:05,698 --> 00:28:08,532 It will be a temporary hiatus. 568 00:28:09,598 --> 00:28:10,865 It would mean a lot to me. 569 00:28:15,230 --> 00:28:16,530 Okay. 570 00:28:16,532 --> 00:28:17,662 Sure. 571 00:28:17,664 --> 00:28:20,229 Thank you, I really appreciate it. 572 00:28:20,231 --> 00:28:21,232 All right. 573 00:28:22,665 --> 00:28:25,898 (CHERRY WHISTLING MUSIC) 574 00:28:33,097 --> 00:28:34,196 ♪ Prego prego ♪ 575 00:28:34,198 --> 00:28:35,563 ♪ Anywhere you may go ♪ 576 00:28:35,565 --> 00:28:37,995 ♪ Make each day be a day full of fun ♪ 577 00:28:37,997 --> 00:28:39,629 MAN: Hello, sir, can I help you? 578 00:28:39,631 --> 00:28:41,695 Hello, I have a meeting with Ellie Adams. 579 00:28:41,697 --> 00:28:45,031 The young lady sitting right there. 580 00:28:46,997 --> 00:28:47,831 Oh. 581 00:28:51,264 --> 00:28:52,595 Ellie? 582 00:28:52,597 --> 00:28:55,630 You didn't kill yourself. 583 00:28:55,632 --> 00:28:56,599 I managed not to. 584 00:28:58,164 --> 00:28:59,965 Brian is on his way. 585 00:29:01,298 --> 00:29:02,131 Tell me. 586 00:29:03,531 --> 00:29:06,829 You've thought a lot about dying, right? 587 00:29:06,831 --> 00:29:09,262 More than most. 588 00:29:09,264 --> 00:29:12,764 Would you rather be eaten by sharks or mauled by a bear? 589 00:29:13,831 --> 00:29:17,998 Uh, I think sharks. 590 00:29:18,964 --> 00:29:20,199 They seem more efficient. 591 00:29:21,597 --> 00:29:23,529 I wouldn't recommend lions. 592 00:29:23,531 --> 00:29:27,296 I tried jumping into the lion enclosure at the zoo once, 593 00:29:27,298 --> 00:29:29,563 but all the lions were asleep. 594 00:29:29,565 --> 00:29:31,865 After 10 minutes I had to climb out again. 595 00:29:34,997 --> 00:29:35,831 That's funny. 596 00:29:39,632 --> 00:29:41,529 Did you know that there are more people killed every year 597 00:29:41,531 --> 00:29:45,562 by hippos than by lions, sharks and bears combined. 598 00:29:45,564 --> 00:29:48,662 I mean, that's an embarrassing way to die. 599 00:29:48,664 --> 00:29:50,762 To be killed by a hippo. 600 00:29:50,764 --> 00:29:53,595 (LAUGHING) 601 00:29:53,597 --> 00:29:55,598 My parents were killed by a hippo. 602 00:29:56,997 --> 00:29:58,061 Oh. 603 00:29:58,063 --> 00:29:58,897 Sorry. 604 00:30:04,664 --> 00:30:05,928 I'm joking. 605 00:30:05,930 --> 00:30:07,565 My parents weren't killed by a hippo. 606 00:30:08,897 --> 00:30:09,828 Oh, ha. 607 00:30:09,830 --> 00:30:11,563 They died in a car crash. 608 00:30:11,565 --> 00:30:13,061 So, your book. 609 00:30:13,063 --> 00:30:16,465 You're very interesting 610 00:30:19,097 --> 00:30:22,562 In a good way? 611 00:30:22,564 --> 00:30:24,096 Ah, here comes Brian. 612 00:30:24,098 --> 00:30:26,262 Well, you can tell him from me he's a fucking moron. 613 00:30:26,264 --> 00:30:27,729 In fact worse, he's an idiot. 614 00:30:27,731 --> 00:30:29,263 A big fucking idiot. 615 00:30:29,265 --> 00:30:31,161 No, idiot is worse than moron. 616 00:30:31,163 --> 00:30:32,295 Idiot is the worst. 617 00:30:32,297 --> 00:30:35,562 Officially, it's a medical term. 618 00:30:35,564 --> 00:30:37,961 Extreme mental retardation. 619 00:30:37,963 --> 00:30:42,965 Idiot, imbecile, moron, that's the sequence. 620 00:30:43,863 --> 00:30:45,599 Do you know what's after moron? 621 00:30:47,131 --> 00:30:47,961 Cretin? 622 00:30:47,963 --> 00:30:50,095 No, cretin is different. 623 00:30:50,097 --> 00:30:51,962 Cretin is more of a physical thing. 624 00:30:51,964 --> 00:30:55,132 Just do it will you or you're both fired! 625 00:30:56,731 --> 00:30:58,864 (SIGHING) 626 00:31:01,863 --> 00:31:04,761 Your mum's not retarded or anything is she? 627 00:31:04,763 --> 00:31:05,795 My mum's dead. 628 00:31:05,797 --> 00:31:07,229 Oh, thank god for that! 629 00:31:07,231 --> 00:31:08,161 That would have been awkward! 630 00:31:08,163 --> 00:31:09,829 This is Brian Bentley. 631 00:31:09,831 --> 00:31:11,096 My boss at the company. 632 00:31:11,098 --> 00:31:12,562 We love the book. 633 00:31:12,564 --> 00:31:14,262 Fucking dark. 634 00:31:14,264 --> 00:31:15,761 It's dull by the way. 635 00:31:15,763 --> 00:31:17,263 I wouldn't say that. 636 00:31:17,265 --> 00:31:18,661 Admittedly I haven't read it, but Ellie loves it. 637 00:31:18,663 --> 00:31:19,594 Says it could be huge. 638 00:31:19,596 --> 00:31:20,829 Are you on Twitter? 639 00:31:20,831 --> 00:31:21,794 I meant after moron. 640 00:31:21,796 --> 00:31:23,795 Oh, the retards thing! 641 00:31:23,797 --> 00:31:25,529 Yeah, that's right, dull. 642 00:31:25,531 --> 00:31:27,861 (LAUGHING) 643 00:31:27,863 --> 00:31:30,196 You know, I once had a girlfriend who was dull. 644 00:31:30,198 --> 00:31:31,595 Officially... 645 00:31:31,597 --> 00:31:32,595 We were talking about William's book. 646 00:31:32,597 --> 00:31:33,828 Oh, yeah. 647 00:31:33,830 --> 00:31:35,296 So look, we want to turn it into a sort of 648 00:31:35,298 --> 00:31:37,562 Idiots Guide to Suicide. 649 00:31:37,564 --> 00:31:38,962 What do you think? 650 00:31:38,964 --> 00:31:40,561 Not medical idiots obviously. 651 00:31:40,563 --> 00:31:43,229 I mean, I doubt those guys can fucking read. 652 00:31:43,231 --> 00:31:44,232 It sounds awful. 653 00:31:45,564 --> 00:31:47,161 That's not really what, no, 654 00:31:47,163 --> 00:31:49,829 Brian meant that we want to use the core of 655 00:31:49,831 --> 00:31:52,029 your book to give a personal insight 656 00:31:52,031 --> 00:31:53,694 into the world of suicide. 657 00:31:53,696 --> 00:31:56,629 Have you really tried to kill yourself seven times? 658 00:31:56,631 --> 00:31:59,228 10, if you count cries for help. 659 00:31:59,230 --> 00:32:00,628 Jesus! 660 00:32:00,630 --> 00:32:02,162 You don't seem that disturbed. 661 00:32:02,164 --> 00:32:03,629 When Ellie told me about this I thought you'd be trying 662 00:32:03,631 --> 00:32:05,829 to cut your wrists with the bread knife. 663 00:32:05,831 --> 00:32:07,594 You know there's a bravery in your writing 664 00:32:07,596 --> 00:32:09,762 to acknowledge that the world's obsession with the banal 665 00:32:09,764 --> 00:32:12,628 is simply a distraction from the nagging fear 666 00:32:12,630 --> 00:32:14,465 that our existence has no meaning. 667 00:32:15,663 --> 00:32:18,662 People are discontented and lonely. 668 00:32:18,664 --> 00:32:20,499 I think your book will connect with them. 669 00:32:21,597 --> 00:32:23,562 Plus people love shit that's depressing, 670 00:32:23,564 --> 00:32:25,832 makes them feel better about their own crappy lives. 671 00:32:27,031 --> 00:32:29,561 Hey, do you really think you will kill yourself? 672 00:32:29,563 --> 00:32:30,595 Probably. 673 00:32:30,597 --> 00:32:31,795 Great. 674 00:32:31,797 --> 00:32:33,598 Just thinking we could coincide it with a paperback release. 675 00:32:34,730 --> 00:32:37,029 Well, if he's going to do it anyway! 676 00:32:37,031 --> 00:32:41,694 I actually wanted to ask about posthumous publication? 677 00:32:41,696 --> 00:32:43,695 Just hypothetically. 678 00:32:43,697 --> 00:32:46,594 We really want to work with you. 679 00:32:46,596 --> 00:32:48,096 I'm so pleased you like my book, 680 00:32:48,098 --> 00:32:50,961 but this guide idea, 681 00:32:50,963 --> 00:32:52,661 it sounds like a lot of work 682 00:32:52,663 --> 00:32:54,562 and I don't have much time at the moment. 683 00:32:54,564 --> 00:32:55,928 Killing yourself keeping you busy? 684 00:32:55,930 --> 00:32:57,662 You wouldn't have to do it all yourself. 685 00:32:57,664 --> 00:32:58,861 Ellie would be your editor. 686 00:32:58,863 --> 00:33:00,561 If that's okay? 687 00:33:00,563 --> 00:33:03,028 This is great opportunity, mate. 688 00:33:03,030 --> 00:33:05,132 Once in a lifetime, ironically. 689 00:33:06,297 --> 00:33:07,694 This is a chance for you to say 690 00:33:07,696 --> 00:33:09,561 what you want and be heard. 691 00:33:09,563 --> 00:33:10,729 Yes. 692 00:33:10,731 --> 00:33:13,095 What is that exactly? 693 00:33:13,097 --> 00:33:16,096 That death is nothing to fear. 694 00:33:16,098 --> 00:33:18,628 It's what we all have in common. 695 00:33:18,630 --> 00:33:20,761 There is something reassuring in that. 696 00:33:20,763 --> 00:33:23,630 Makes me feel less adrift. 697 00:33:29,098 --> 00:33:30,961 Jesus Christ! 698 00:33:30,963 --> 00:33:32,263 I'm not publishing your book 699 00:33:32,265 --> 00:33:35,529 just because you need a fucking hug. 700 00:33:35,531 --> 00:33:37,595 It's got to sell. 701 00:33:37,597 --> 00:33:39,061 That's the problem these days, 702 00:33:39,063 --> 00:33:41,829 everyone feels a need to express every detail 703 00:33:41,831 --> 00:33:43,161 of their pathetic lives 704 00:33:43,163 --> 00:33:45,228 to remind us of their existence. 705 00:33:45,230 --> 00:33:47,595 I tweet therefore I am. 706 00:33:47,597 --> 00:33:50,695 No one fucking cares! 707 00:33:50,697 --> 00:33:52,661 I'd rather shoot myself in the head 708 00:33:52,663 --> 00:33:53,295 than have to listen to the opinions of these... 709 00:33:53,297 --> 00:33:54,728 (GUN FIRING) 710 00:33:54,730 --> 00:33:56,862 (SUSPENSEFUL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 711 00:33:56,864 --> 00:33:57,798 Oh balls. 712 00:34:03,031 --> 00:34:05,529 ELLIE: William, get down! 713 00:34:05,531 --> 00:34:07,828 Have a good death. 714 00:34:07,830 --> 00:34:08,795 (GUN FIRING) 715 00:34:08,797 --> 00:34:10,929 ELLIE: What are you doing? 716 00:34:10,931 --> 00:34:11,765 Cock. 717 00:34:23,863 --> 00:34:25,562 I think it's stopped. 718 00:34:25,564 --> 00:34:27,595 Aren't you going to thank me? 719 00:34:27,597 --> 00:34:29,229 For what? 720 00:34:29,231 --> 00:34:31,095 I just saved your life. 721 00:34:31,097 --> 00:34:33,032 I'm having mixed feelings about that. 722 00:34:35,030 --> 00:34:35,862 Jesus. 723 00:34:35,864 --> 00:34:36,698 Poor Brian. 724 00:34:38,863 --> 00:34:40,162 Do you think he's dead? 725 00:34:40,164 --> 00:34:41,698 Half his face was missing. 726 00:34:44,198 --> 00:34:45,498 There goes my book deal. 727 00:34:48,563 --> 00:34:49,795 You smoke? 728 00:34:49,797 --> 00:34:51,565 I didn't think anyone smoked any more. 729 00:34:54,664 --> 00:34:57,528 You know this is a non-smoking restaurant. 730 00:34:57,530 --> 00:34:58,730 I don't think they'll care. 731 00:35:01,530 --> 00:35:04,497 (SIRENS WAILING) 732 00:35:24,931 --> 00:35:25,798 PENNY: Leslie? 733 00:35:27,298 --> 00:35:28,565 Hello, love. 734 00:35:30,631 --> 00:35:31,698 What is it? 735 00:35:33,864 --> 00:35:34,832 Oh, it's nothing. 736 00:35:35,998 --> 00:35:37,729 After 36 years of marriage 737 00:35:37,731 --> 00:35:39,765 I think I know something when I see it. 738 00:35:42,864 --> 00:35:43,665 Well I, 739 00:35:44,831 --> 00:35:46,998 I made a terrible mistake at work. 740 00:35:47,997 --> 00:35:49,964 Oh Les, don't worry. 741 00:35:52,098 --> 00:35:54,562 Everyone makes mistakes. 742 00:35:54,564 --> 00:35:55,961 Not me. 743 00:35:55,963 --> 00:35:56,832 Not like this. 744 00:36:01,264 --> 00:36:02,565 Harvey's going to kill me. 745 00:36:03,564 --> 00:36:06,228 Oh, I'm sure he'll understand. 746 00:36:06,230 --> 00:36:08,865 I mean, it's not like anyone died, is it? 747 00:36:14,264 --> 00:36:16,065 I'll put the kettle on. 748 00:36:19,530 --> 00:36:20,762 You'll never guess who else is entered 749 00:36:20,764 --> 00:36:22,561 her cushion into the Southern Counties. 750 00:36:22,563 --> 00:36:23,895 Who? 751 00:36:23,897 --> 00:36:26,695 Only Morag effing Bleasdale. 752 00:36:26,697 --> 00:36:28,562 Who's Morag Bleasdale? 753 00:36:28,564 --> 00:36:29,965 Who's Morag Bleasdale? 754 00:36:31,531 --> 00:36:33,129 She's only the best needlecrafter in the home counties! 755 00:36:33,131 --> 00:36:34,162 She's won everything! 756 00:36:34,164 --> 00:36:36,162 There's no way I'll beat her. 757 00:36:36,164 --> 00:36:37,065 Yes, you will. 758 00:36:38,263 --> 00:36:40,196 I knew I shouldn't have done a cushion. 759 00:36:40,198 --> 00:36:42,661 I'm out of my comfort zone. 760 00:36:42,663 --> 00:36:43,594 I would have thought a cushion 761 00:36:43,596 --> 00:36:45,128 would make it more comfortable. 762 00:36:45,130 --> 00:36:47,261 This is not a joke, Leslie! 763 00:36:47,263 --> 00:36:48,995 Morag Bleasdale! 764 00:36:48,997 --> 00:36:51,628 Not to mention Sue Simmons, and Clive! 765 00:36:51,630 --> 00:36:53,029 Don't forget Clive. 766 00:36:53,031 --> 00:36:57,061 He beat me twice last year and that was just local, 767 00:36:57,063 --> 00:36:59,096 this is the Southern Counties. 768 00:36:59,098 --> 00:37:02,228 LESLIE: As I say, it's not about winning. 769 00:37:02,230 --> 00:37:04,829 And like I say, it is about winning. 770 00:37:04,831 --> 00:37:06,161 (BUZZING) 771 00:37:06,163 --> 00:37:07,728 I'm not cross-stitching a cushion 772 00:37:07,730 --> 00:37:10,098 for 30 hours to come unplaced! 773 00:37:12,564 --> 00:37:15,096 You are better than Morag Bleasdale, 774 00:37:15,098 --> 00:37:18,098 Sue Simmons and Clive. 775 00:37:19,296 --> 00:37:20,630 They're really good. 776 00:37:21,564 --> 00:37:23,864 But you are better. 777 00:37:25,230 --> 00:37:26,231 Thank you. 778 00:37:31,563 --> 00:37:32,828 What are you doing? 779 00:37:32,830 --> 00:37:35,530 I'm just checking something. 780 00:37:38,297 --> 00:37:40,795 PENNY: Now tell me what happened at work 781 00:37:40,797 --> 00:37:42,465 and what I can do to help. 782 00:37:43,730 --> 00:37:45,862 No, that's all right, love. 783 00:37:45,864 --> 00:37:46,998 I'll sort it myself. 784 00:37:51,229 --> 00:37:55,832 To miss once was unlucky, to miss again, unthinkable. 785 00:37:59,796 --> 00:38:02,662 Since signing the contract, 786 00:38:02,664 --> 00:38:04,665 his problems hadn't seemed so bad, 787 00:38:05,864 --> 00:38:06,964 except one. 788 00:38:08,531 --> 00:38:09,965 And that could happen at any moment. 789 00:38:11,031 --> 00:38:13,965 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 790 00:38:30,063 --> 00:38:31,794 Hey. 791 00:38:31,796 --> 00:38:34,529 WILLIAM: How do you know where I live? 792 00:38:34,531 --> 00:38:35,562 It was on your manuscript. 793 00:38:35,564 --> 00:38:37,128 (LIGHT ROCK MUSIC) 794 00:38:37,130 --> 00:38:40,961 ♪ Running into one another ♪ 795 00:38:40,963 --> 00:38:44,528 ♪ Outside a cafe in Paris ♪ 796 00:38:44,530 --> 00:38:46,931 I thought we could start work on your book. 797 00:38:47,797 --> 00:38:48,761 But I thought... 798 00:38:48,763 --> 00:38:50,097 I've got nothing else on. 799 00:38:51,697 --> 00:38:53,961 I'm on compassionate leave. 800 00:38:53,963 --> 00:38:56,064 You know, for the trauma. 801 00:38:58,130 --> 00:38:58,965 Can I have one? 802 00:39:02,229 --> 00:39:04,160 And are you? 803 00:39:04,162 --> 00:39:05,661 What? 804 00:39:05,663 --> 00:39:07,230 Traumatized? 805 00:39:11,097 --> 00:39:12,231 Oh yeah. 806 00:39:13,796 --> 00:39:15,127 Totally. 807 00:39:15,129 --> 00:39:18,561 Yeah, a man was shot right in front of us. 808 00:39:18,563 --> 00:39:21,497 That's gonna, obviously it's... 809 00:39:23,163 --> 00:39:25,664 But I probably will get promoted now, so, 810 00:39:27,197 --> 00:39:29,595 well, he was a total dick! 811 00:39:29,597 --> 00:39:31,262 And I mean, as I said to the police, 812 00:39:31,264 --> 00:39:33,497 loads of people wanted him dead. 813 00:39:36,230 --> 00:39:38,528 Are you working on something new? 814 00:39:38,530 --> 00:39:39,564 No, that's... 815 00:39:42,031 --> 00:39:45,528 (SIREN WAILING) 816 00:39:45,530 --> 00:39:48,194 Your know my friend does these new writing nights. 817 00:39:48,196 --> 00:39:49,031 You should come. 818 00:39:50,263 --> 00:39:51,931 There's music, beer, 819 00:39:54,096 --> 00:39:55,564 other fuck ups. 820 00:39:59,897 --> 00:40:02,261 So how do you want this to work? 821 00:40:02,263 --> 00:40:03,262 I've had some ideas on the structure. 822 00:40:03,264 --> 00:40:05,729 I think we should meet every couple of days... 823 00:40:05,731 --> 00:40:08,731 That sounds great, but I told you, I can't. 824 00:40:10,730 --> 00:40:11,595 Of course you can. 825 00:40:11,597 --> 00:40:14,128 No, I'm sorry. 826 00:40:14,130 --> 00:40:14,996 Do you really want to be stuck in this flat 827 00:40:14,998 --> 00:40:16,762 your whole life? 828 00:40:16,764 --> 00:40:17,962 Look at it. 829 00:40:17,964 --> 00:40:19,194 It's no wonder you want to kill yourself. 830 00:40:19,196 --> 00:40:20,294 You don't get it. 831 00:40:20,296 --> 00:40:23,695 I get that I connected with your book 832 00:40:23,697 --> 00:40:25,798 and I think other people will too. 833 00:40:27,597 --> 00:40:29,562 Isn't that what you're looking for? 834 00:40:29,564 --> 00:40:33,531 Something to feel less, what did you say? 835 00:40:34,697 --> 00:40:35,531 Adrift? 836 00:40:36,930 --> 00:40:38,928 But I... 837 00:40:38,930 --> 00:40:39,563 ELLIE: What? 838 00:40:42,062 --> 00:40:43,597 I have something to tell you. 839 00:40:45,597 --> 00:40:47,497 I employed the guy who killed Brian. 840 00:40:53,531 --> 00:40:56,195 Why would you employ someone to kill Brian? 841 00:40:56,197 --> 00:40:58,729 No, I employed him to kill me. 842 00:40:58,731 --> 00:41:01,231 But he missed and killed Brian. 843 00:41:03,997 --> 00:41:05,227 What? 844 00:41:05,229 --> 00:41:07,227 Well, I wasn't having much luck on my own 845 00:41:07,229 --> 00:41:08,862 so I thought I'd outsource it. 846 00:41:08,864 --> 00:41:10,161 Outsource it? 847 00:41:10,163 --> 00:41:13,294 You outsource market research, 848 00:41:13,296 --> 00:41:14,995 you outsource website design, 849 00:41:14,997 --> 00:41:17,831 you don't outsource suicide. 850 00:41:18,830 --> 00:41:20,261 I did. 851 00:41:20,263 --> 00:41:22,564 What happens now Brian's dead and you're not? 852 00:41:23,630 --> 00:41:24,464 I don't know. 853 00:41:25,229 --> 00:41:26,730 The contract lasts a week. 854 00:41:28,864 --> 00:41:29,928 Great! 855 00:41:29,930 --> 00:41:31,961 And what about our book? 856 00:41:31,963 --> 00:41:32,960 You know what? 857 00:41:32,962 --> 00:41:34,561 You have to postpone it. 858 00:41:34,563 --> 00:41:35,828 Post, what? 859 00:41:35,830 --> 00:41:36,794 Or call it off. 860 00:41:36,796 --> 00:41:38,227 I don't know. 861 00:41:38,229 --> 00:41:39,327 You got his number? 862 00:41:39,329 --> 00:41:41,630 You just, you call him and tell him the deal's off. 863 00:41:43,097 --> 00:41:48,097 But I think it's a non-refundable kind of thing. 864 00:41:48,831 --> 00:41:49,961 I signed a contract. 865 00:41:49,963 --> 00:41:51,161 Non-refundable? 866 00:41:51,163 --> 00:41:52,628 WILLIAM: Mm-hmm. 867 00:41:52,630 --> 00:41:54,628 You've agreed to be killed by a hitman, 868 00:41:54,630 --> 00:41:56,595 I doubt that's legally binding. 869 00:41:56,597 --> 00:41:57,598 Call him. 870 00:42:07,530 --> 00:42:10,163 (PHONE RINGING) 871 00:42:15,764 --> 00:42:16,598 LESLIE: Shit. 872 00:42:21,296 --> 00:42:22,694 Fucking thing. 873 00:42:22,696 --> 00:42:25,564 (PHONE BEEPING) 874 00:42:26,797 --> 00:42:28,061 (LIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 875 00:42:28,063 --> 00:42:30,030 Um, hello. 876 00:42:32,030 --> 00:42:32,865 Hello. 877 00:42:34,097 --> 00:42:34,931 How are you? 878 00:42:36,962 --> 00:42:38,864 Yes, I'm fine. 879 00:42:39,831 --> 00:42:40,894 You? 880 00:42:40,896 --> 00:42:42,664 Good, thank you. 881 00:42:44,630 --> 00:42:48,695 In fact, I've been thinking and I'm thinking 882 00:42:48,697 --> 00:42:50,565 that I might want to call it off. 883 00:42:51,230 --> 00:42:52,064 What? 884 00:42:53,130 --> 00:42:54,595 Sorry about that. 885 00:42:54,597 --> 00:42:55,561 But you signed a contract. 886 00:42:55,563 --> 00:42:59,628 Yes, I know, but look, things have changed... 887 00:42:59,630 --> 00:43:00,928 Didn't you read the small print? 888 00:43:00,930 --> 00:43:02,561 We've got an agreement. 889 00:43:02,563 --> 00:43:03,762 We have a contract. 890 00:43:03,764 --> 00:43:05,194 It's not legally binding! 891 00:43:05,196 --> 00:43:06,594 Oh, Jesus Christ! 892 00:43:06,596 --> 00:43:07,794 Take some responsibility! 893 00:43:07,796 --> 00:43:09,562 I'm doing the best I can. 894 00:43:09,564 --> 00:43:13,695 I'm one kill away and now you want to call it off. 895 00:43:13,697 --> 00:43:16,531 Oh look, I tell you what, fuck you. 896 00:43:17,630 --> 00:43:18,728 (GUN FIRING) 897 00:43:18,730 --> 00:43:19,927 (HEAVY ROCK MUSIC) 898 00:43:19,929 --> 00:43:20,765 We need to go. 899 00:43:31,696 --> 00:43:34,130 (GUN FIRING) 900 00:43:38,129 --> 00:43:39,595 Oh! 901 00:43:39,597 --> 00:43:41,562 ♪ You found carousel to ride around ♪ 902 00:43:41,564 --> 00:43:42,529 ♪ Take the mess out of his specs ♪ 903 00:43:42,531 --> 00:43:43,629 ♪ And the size of his arm ♪ 904 00:43:43,631 --> 00:43:46,561 ♪ Force him to dress in black ♪ 905 00:43:46,563 --> 00:43:47,795 ♪ Then make him hold holster ♪ 906 00:43:47,797 --> 00:43:49,194 ♪ While you shoot him in the back ♪ 907 00:43:49,196 --> 00:43:51,661 ♪ And you say I'm only writing songs ♪ 908 00:43:51,663 --> 00:43:54,294 ♪ Son, get off your ass and get a proper job ♪ 909 00:43:54,296 --> 00:43:55,295 ELLIE: Here. 910 00:43:55,297 --> 00:43:56,131 What? 911 00:43:58,531 --> 00:43:59,794 Oi, what are you... 912 00:43:59,796 --> 00:44:02,529 No, I'm sorry but it's already in the system. 913 00:44:02,531 --> 00:44:03,562 Oi! 914 00:44:03,564 --> 00:44:04,195 (GRUNTING) 915 00:44:04,197 --> 00:44:05,761 ELLIE: Go, go! 916 00:44:05,763 --> 00:44:06,729 Where are we going? 917 00:44:06,731 --> 00:44:07,894 ELLIE: I know somewhere! 918 00:44:07,896 --> 00:44:08,729 (GUN FIRING) 919 00:44:08,731 --> 00:44:11,661 (GRUNTING) 920 00:44:11,663 --> 00:44:13,661 ♪ Just a tin tan toy ♪ 921 00:44:13,663 --> 00:44:15,794 ♪ A big fat boy ♪ 922 00:44:15,796 --> 00:44:17,964 (MOANING) 923 00:44:20,029 --> 00:44:21,764 Oh, for God's sake. 924 00:44:22,697 --> 00:44:25,194 ♪ Oh, boy ♪ 925 00:44:25,196 --> 00:44:27,594 ♪ Oh, boy ♪ 926 00:44:27,596 --> 00:44:29,764 ♪ Oh, boy ♪ 927 00:44:30,795 --> 00:44:34,698 (SUSPENSEFUL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 928 00:44:38,531 --> 00:44:43,531 ♪ Ahhhh ♪ 929 00:44:45,564 --> 00:44:47,561 ♪ I'm just a tin pan boy ♪ 930 00:44:47,563 --> 00:44:49,561 ♪ Gonna take my toys ♪ 931 00:44:49,563 --> 00:44:51,529 ♪ Hey, you, Mr. Inheritor ♪ 932 00:44:51,531 --> 00:44:54,860 ♪ Hey, you, Mr. Inheritor ♪ 933 00:44:54,862 --> 00:44:57,927 ♪ You're just a tin pan toy ♪ 934 00:44:57,929 --> 00:45:00,161 ♪ A big fat boy ♪ 935 00:45:00,163 --> 00:45:02,095 ♪ Hey, you, Mr. Inheritor ♪ 936 00:45:02,097 --> 00:45:05,694 ♪ Hey, you, Mr. Inheritor ♪ 937 00:45:05,696 --> 00:45:06,662 ♪ Boy ♪ 938 00:45:06,664 --> 00:45:09,195 ♪ Oh, boy ♪ 939 00:45:09,197 --> 00:45:11,761 ♪ Oh, boy ♪ 940 00:45:11,763 --> 00:45:14,127 ♪ Boy ♪ 941 00:45:14,129 --> 00:45:15,963 ♪ Boy ♪ 942 00:45:21,631 --> 00:45:22,662 ELLIE: I'll do wine. 943 00:45:22,664 --> 00:45:23,598 You do fire. 944 00:45:30,929 --> 00:45:31,763 Hello, Les. 945 00:45:34,029 --> 00:45:34,863 Harvey. 946 00:45:36,930 --> 00:45:39,261 So, we're in a bit of shit here. 947 00:45:39,263 --> 00:45:40,628 Harvey... 948 00:45:40,630 --> 00:45:41,227 You are the source of that shit. 949 00:45:41,229 --> 00:45:42,561 You're a shit factory. 950 00:45:42,563 --> 00:45:44,793 An incontinent shit factory. 951 00:45:44,795 --> 00:45:46,227 But, I'm fixing it. 952 00:45:46,229 --> 00:45:47,529 How are you doing that? 953 00:45:47,531 --> 00:45:49,628 By shooting a traffic warden? 954 00:45:49,630 --> 00:45:51,161 That was an accident. 955 00:45:51,163 --> 00:45:52,629 You're a real black spot at the moment, aren't you? 956 00:45:52,631 --> 00:45:54,661 Worse than the fucking A14. 957 00:45:54,663 --> 00:45:56,861 The problem, Leslie, is that our business 958 00:45:56,863 --> 00:45:59,927 is life and death and we can't afford to have accidents, 959 00:45:59,929 --> 00:46:01,860 understand? 960 00:46:01,862 --> 00:46:03,661 We're professionals. 961 00:46:03,663 --> 00:46:05,693 We don't miss. 962 00:46:05,695 --> 00:46:08,030 Whoever heard of an assassin with a shaky hand? 963 00:46:09,530 --> 00:46:10,860 You don't see Michael J Fox running around 964 00:46:10,862 --> 00:46:12,629 shooting people, do you? 965 00:46:12,631 --> 00:46:13,495 And why not? 966 00:46:13,497 --> 00:46:15,160 Because he'd be fucking terrible at it. 967 00:46:15,162 --> 00:46:18,995 No, Michael J Fox sticks to raising money for his charity. 968 00:46:18,997 --> 00:46:21,060 He doesn't even do much acting anymore, 969 00:46:21,062 --> 00:46:25,928 which is a shame because I'm a big fan of Michael J Fox. 970 00:46:25,930 --> 00:46:28,860 Back to the Future, Secret of my Success... 971 00:46:28,862 --> 00:46:29,830 Stuart Little. 972 00:46:32,829 --> 00:46:33,661 Why mention that? 973 00:46:33,663 --> 00:46:34,861 Why bring that up? 974 00:46:34,863 --> 00:46:36,061 He's in it. 975 00:46:36,063 --> 00:46:38,262 Only the voice, only the fucking voice. 976 00:46:38,264 --> 00:46:40,960 Now, if you'd said Doc Hollywood, I'd agree with you. 977 00:46:40,962 --> 00:46:41,794 Teen Wolf. 978 00:46:41,796 --> 00:46:43,594 Teen Wolf, exactly. 979 00:46:43,596 --> 00:46:46,194 But he doesn't do films anymore 980 00:46:46,196 --> 00:46:47,128 because he knows he's not up to it. 981 00:46:47,130 --> 00:46:49,228 Do you see what I'm saying? 982 00:46:49,230 --> 00:46:50,594 Not really. 983 00:46:50,596 --> 00:46:51,996 Let me explain. 984 00:46:53,130 --> 00:46:53,964 You're done. 985 00:46:56,962 --> 00:46:58,595 What do you mean? 986 00:46:58,597 --> 00:47:00,262 Okay, 987 00:47:00,264 --> 00:47:03,660 no there's no clearer way I can say this. 988 00:47:03,662 --> 00:47:04,763 You are done. 989 00:47:06,531 --> 00:47:07,660 You can't fire me. 990 00:47:07,662 --> 00:47:09,595 You haven't made your quota. 991 00:47:09,597 --> 00:47:11,160 But I'm only one hit away. 992 00:47:11,162 --> 00:47:12,861 Listen Shakin' Stevens. 993 00:47:12,863 --> 00:47:15,060 You missed, twice. 994 00:47:15,062 --> 00:47:16,061 You've had a good run. 995 00:47:16,063 --> 00:47:17,198 But as of now... 996 00:47:21,829 --> 00:47:24,693 (DRAWER OPENING) 997 00:47:24,695 --> 00:47:26,095 (CLOCK TICKING) 998 00:47:26,097 --> 00:47:27,597 We even got you a present. 999 00:47:29,097 --> 00:47:29,964 Look at that. 1000 00:47:31,130 --> 00:47:32,565 Fucking lovely. 1001 00:47:36,063 --> 00:47:38,627 Wha, for shooting a traffic warden? 1002 00:47:38,629 --> 00:47:39,563 Come on! 1003 00:47:39,565 --> 00:47:40,461 No one gives a fuck about traffic wardens. 1004 00:47:40,463 --> 00:47:43,161 No, you shot the womble in the restaurant. 1005 00:47:43,163 --> 00:47:45,861 This is the reason the guild was set up 1006 00:47:45,863 --> 00:47:47,895 and you've jeopardized the entire thing. 1007 00:47:47,897 --> 00:47:51,160 Rules, regulations, contracts, 1008 00:47:51,162 --> 00:47:54,195 without those you're just a tit with a gun. 1009 00:47:54,197 --> 00:47:56,728 But the target ducked when I took a shot at him. 1010 00:47:56,730 --> 00:47:58,095 It could happen to anyone. 1011 00:47:58,097 --> 00:47:59,660 To be honest it could've been worse. 1012 00:47:59,662 --> 00:48:02,465 There was a contract out on the guy you shot anyway. 1013 00:48:03,197 --> 00:48:04,028 Oh, Jesus. 1014 00:48:04,030 --> 00:48:04,961 What are the chances? 1015 00:48:04,963 --> 00:48:06,194 The universe works in ways 1016 00:48:06,196 --> 00:48:08,529 that people like us will never understand. 1017 00:48:08,531 --> 00:48:11,261 (CLOCK TICKING) 1018 00:48:11,263 --> 00:48:12,465 Brian Bentley. 1019 00:48:14,696 --> 00:48:16,498 Here, you can read all about it. 1020 00:48:25,962 --> 00:48:26,831 So, um, 1021 00:48:27,962 --> 00:48:30,560 if I completed the contract... 1022 00:48:29,596 --> 00:48:30,462 Don't get cheeky. 1023 00:48:30,464 --> 00:48:32,529 Pavel was furious when he found out. 1024 00:48:32,531 --> 00:48:34,696 He'd just put a deposit on a new car. 1025 00:48:38,030 --> 00:48:40,497 So, what happens now? 1026 00:48:41,863 --> 00:48:43,128 You take your zimmer frame 1027 00:48:43,130 --> 00:48:45,527 and fuck off into the sunset of retirement. 1028 00:48:45,529 --> 00:48:47,694 Just don't take up golf. 1029 00:48:47,696 --> 00:48:48,764 Golf is for cunts. 1030 00:48:50,096 --> 00:48:52,560 But if I finish this contract I can make my quota. 1031 00:48:52,562 --> 00:48:53,697 It's been reassigned. 1032 00:48:57,196 --> 00:48:58,227 Who to? 1033 00:48:58,229 --> 00:48:59,063 Ivan. 1034 00:49:00,762 --> 00:49:01,629 Look at him. 1035 00:49:02,795 --> 00:49:04,763 Like a fucking bear with alopecia. 1036 00:49:07,529 --> 00:49:09,231 They're hardcore, these Russians. 1037 00:49:10,264 --> 00:49:11,129 It's a different game now, Les. 1038 00:49:11,131 --> 00:49:13,194 You're getting out at the best time. 1039 00:49:13,196 --> 00:49:14,262 But this is what I do. 1040 00:49:14,264 --> 00:49:15,693 Not any more. 1041 00:49:15,695 --> 00:49:16,627 This job means everything to me. 1042 00:49:16,629 --> 00:49:19,627 Killing people gives me a reason to live! 1043 00:49:19,629 --> 00:49:21,295 It's a terrible thing, getting old. 1044 00:49:21,297 --> 00:49:22,628 Please, Harvey. 1045 00:49:22,630 --> 00:49:23,627 I'm begging you. 1046 00:49:23,629 --> 00:49:24,561 It's so close. 1047 00:49:24,563 --> 00:49:25,994 This is no way for me to go out. 1048 00:49:25,996 --> 00:49:29,095 You can't fucking go around fucking shooting people! 1049 00:49:29,097 --> 00:49:30,895 It's not what we fucking do! 1050 00:49:30,897 --> 00:49:33,961 What happened to you, Mr. One-foot-in-the-fucking-grave? 1051 00:49:33,963 --> 00:49:36,061 You were the best and now look at you! 1052 00:49:36,063 --> 00:49:37,261 Hanging around Beachy Head, 1053 00:49:37,263 --> 00:49:39,995 handing out your fucking business cards. 1054 00:49:39,997 --> 00:49:41,465 It's desperate. 1055 00:49:42,929 --> 00:49:46,194 (OMINOUS ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC) 1056 00:49:46,196 --> 00:49:48,863 (CLOCK TICKING) 1057 00:49:53,263 --> 00:49:54,095 (SIGHING) 1058 00:49:54,097 --> 00:49:55,161 There's no shame in it. 1059 00:49:55,163 --> 00:49:55,964 We all get old. 1060 00:49:57,197 --> 00:49:59,597 Now take the fucking clock. 1061 00:50:03,862 --> 00:50:05,231 I'm not taking the clock. 1062 00:50:07,596 --> 00:50:08,761 Take the fucking clock, Leslie. 1063 00:50:08,763 --> 00:50:11,897 Or you will find things getting a whole lot fucking worse. 1064 00:50:14,097 --> 00:50:14,931 No. 1065 00:50:35,696 --> 00:50:37,231 HARVEY: He's become a liability. 1066 00:50:38,663 --> 00:50:40,863 Someone should shoot him in the fucking head. 1067 00:50:51,129 --> 00:50:51,930 Here. 1068 00:50:54,596 --> 00:50:55,997 WILLIAM: Did you try again? 1069 00:50:57,595 --> 00:50:58,563 It passed. 1070 00:51:01,795 --> 00:51:03,527 I failed to kill myself so many times 1071 00:51:03,529 --> 00:51:05,629 I began to think I might be immortal. 1072 00:51:06,863 --> 00:51:08,529 I guarantee you're not immortal. 1073 00:51:10,030 --> 00:51:12,198 You're just terrible at dying. 1074 00:51:14,062 --> 00:51:16,596 (CHUCKLING) 1075 00:51:20,695 --> 00:51:21,629 Whose house is this? 1076 00:51:23,996 --> 00:51:25,463 Ummm, no idea. 1077 00:51:26,796 --> 00:51:28,295 What? 1078 00:51:28,297 --> 00:51:30,560 I just really hope they don't come home tonight. 1079 00:51:30,562 --> 00:51:31,198 What? 1080 00:51:32,596 --> 00:51:33,828 You can't go breaking into people's houses! 1081 00:51:33,830 --> 00:51:36,095 Yeah, and you can't go employing an assassin to kill you, 1082 00:51:36,097 --> 00:51:37,728 but shit happens. 1083 00:51:37,730 --> 00:51:39,960 I'm sorry, okay? 1084 00:51:39,962 --> 00:51:44,763 I thought it was the answer, but it was a mistake. 1085 00:51:46,796 --> 00:51:47,963 Relax, it's my house. 1086 00:51:48,962 --> 00:51:49,863 I grew up here. 1087 00:51:51,063 --> 00:51:54,464 It was my parents' but now it's mine. 1088 00:51:57,130 --> 00:51:58,497 How did they die? 1089 00:51:59,696 --> 00:52:00,497 I told you. 1090 00:52:01,197 --> 00:52:01,996 Car crash. 1091 00:52:04,629 --> 00:52:05,231 God. 1092 00:52:06,596 --> 00:52:07,597 I was dead too. 1093 00:52:08,795 --> 00:52:10,864 For 10 seconds. 1094 00:52:12,030 --> 00:52:12,864 Really? 1095 00:52:13,963 --> 00:52:15,794 What was it like? 1096 00:52:15,796 --> 00:52:17,063 It was only 10 seconds. 1097 00:52:18,297 --> 00:52:21,697 Yes, but what did it feel like? 1098 00:52:24,629 --> 00:52:25,596 It felt like nothing. 1099 00:52:26,663 --> 00:52:28,160 Literally nothing. 1100 00:52:28,162 --> 00:52:29,697 A total empty void. 1101 00:52:31,197 --> 00:52:32,031 Oh. 1102 00:52:33,562 --> 00:52:34,596 My parents are dead too. 1103 00:52:36,929 --> 00:52:38,660 Well, look at us. 1104 00:52:38,662 --> 00:52:39,696 Two scarred orphans. 1105 00:52:41,295 --> 00:52:42,497 They were crushed. 1106 00:52:46,730 --> 00:52:47,664 Crushed? 1107 00:52:49,930 --> 00:52:51,161 We went for ice cream. 1108 00:52:51,163 --> 00:52:52,961 (DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 1109 00:52:52,963 --> 00:52:54,597 My parents were arm in arm, 1110 00:52:56,963 --> 00:52:59,628 taking licks of each other's ice creams, 1111 00:52:59,630 --> 00:53:01,793 (LAUGHING) 1112 00:53:01,795 --> 00:53:02,563 laughing. 1113 00:53:05,296 --> 00:53:06,630 So much in love. 1114 00:53:10,229 --> 00:53:11,863 They didn't see the piano fall 1115 00:53:15,596 --> 00:53:17,694 (PIANO CRASHING) 1116 00:53:17,696 --> 00:53:19,864 (GASPING) 1117 00:53:22,197 --> 00:53:24,464 Mum was splattered all over the pavement. 1118 00:53:26,830 --> 00:53:27,964 Dad was still alive. 1119 00:53:29,562 --> 00:53:30,198 Dad, dad! 1120 00:53:33,030 --> 00:53:36,864 He looked so surprised. 1121 00:53:41,029 --> 00:53:41,864 Hold on, Dad! 1122 00:53:43,262 --> 00:53:44,895 Come here, son. 1123 00:53:44,897 --> 00:53:48,597 And I thought, "Oh my god, this is it. 1124 00:53:52,530 --> 00:53:56,629 "At this moment, on the very edge of life, 1125 00:53:57,596 --> 00:54:00,197 "he's about to give me its great secret." 1126 00:54:03,530 --> 00:54:05,760 (GASPING) 1127 00:54:05,762 --> 00:54:08,063 But he just died. 1128 00:54:10,730 --> 00:54:11,661 That's... 1129 00:54:11,663 --> 00:54:12,894 That's life's great trick, 1130 00:54:12,896 --> 00:54:15,895 to make you think it'll last forever, 1131 00:54:15,897 --> 00:54:18,597 that you might be the exception. 1132 00:54:19,862 --> 00:54:23,563 That's what's so unbearable, when you realize 1133 00:54:25,695 --> 00:54:26,529 that you're not. 1134 00:54:30,062 --> 00:54:30,896 Let's do it. 1135 00:54:32,262 --> 00:54:33,793 What? 1136 00:54:33,795 --> 00:54:34,627 Kill ourselves. 1137 00:54:34,629 --> 00:54:35,464 What, now? 1138 00:54:36,662 --> 00:54:38,163 Yeah, why not? 1139 00:54:40,663 --> 00:54:42,828 Why are we struggling on? 1140 00:54:42,830 --> 00:54:44,860 I mean, for what purpose? 1141 00:54:44,862 --> 00:54:49,063 Best to just kill ourselves now and get it over with. 1142 00:54:52,062 --> 00:54:53,159 Up! 1143 00:54:53,161 --> 00:54:53,996 Come on! 1144 00:54:58,662 --> 00:55:01,561 Though if there are reasons to live 1145 00:55:01,563 --> 00:55:04,661 I'm not sure we'll find them by killing ourselves. 1146 00:55:04,663 --> 00:55:06,496 Seems counter-intuitive. 1147 00:55:07,729 --> 00:55:10,561 I would think we would have a better chance by living. 1148 00:55:10,563 --> 00:55:13,060 Living as much as possible. 1149 00:55:13,062 --> 00:55:14,863 Doing as much as possible. 1150 00:55:15,962 --> 00:55:17,930 Before a piano falls on our heads. 1151 00:55:19,262 --> 00:55:20,828 But I'm sure you're right. 1152 00:55:20,830 --> 00:55:22,797 You have thought about it more than me. 1153 00:55:27,629 --> 00:55:28,529 On three? 1154 00:55:29,730 --> 00:55:32,693 (DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 1155 00:55:32,695 --> 00:55:33,529 One, 1156 00:55:36,562 --> 00:55:37,197 two, 1157 00:55:39,229 --> 00:55:40,061 three. 1158 00:55:40,063 --> 00:55:42,464 (ROCK MUSIC) 1159 00:56:00,295 --> 00:56:02,496 Your feet are so cold! 1160 00:56:08,563 --> 00:56:10,629 What've you got that for? 1161 00:56:14,595 --> 00:56:15,763 I'm gonna book the cruise. 1162 00:56:18,129 --> 00:56:20,628 I don't want to talk about it. 1163 00:56:20,630 --> 00:56:24,226 I know you're upset, but it's exciting. 1164 00:56:24,228 --> 00:56:26,827 The start of the rest of our lives. 1165 00:56:26,829 --> 00:56:28,561 The start of the end of our lives. 1166 00:56:28,563 --> 00:56:29,393 Oh, Les, that's a bit... 1167 00:56:29,395 --> 00:56:30,961 I just don't want to talk about it. 1168 00:56:30,963 --> 00:56:32,928 It's retirement, that's all. 1169 00:56:32,930 --> 00:56:34,564 But it means I'm useless. 1170 00:56:36,129 --> 00:56:39,528 Think of all the new experiences waiting for you. 1171 00:56:39,530 --> 00:56:40,828 You should learn to play golf. 1172 00:56:40,830 --> 00:56:41,660 Ugghh! 1173 00:56:41,662 --> 00:56:42,463 Golf is for... 1174 00:56:44,595 --> 00:56:45,426 I mean, look at this! 1175 00:56:45,428 --> 00:56:46,827 Look at this, do you remember this? 1176 00:56:46,829 --> 00:56:50,528 You gave this to me, Christmas, 1997. 1177 00:56:50,530 --> 00:56:53,661 Look, I was a the top of my game. 1178 00:56:53,663 --> 00:56:57,660 I had dominion over death itself. 1179 00:56:57,662 --> 00:56:58,496 And now? 1180 00:56:59,296 --> 00:57:01,464 I'm just waiting to die. 1181 00:57:02,663 --> 00:57:05,127 If I don't work, who am I? 1182 00:57:05,129 --> 00:57:05,964 What am I? 1183 00:57:07,295 --> 00:57:09,693 I mean, you must look at me sometimes and think, 1184 00:57:09,695 --> 00:57:11,760 "Where's the man I married?" 1185 00:57:11,762 --> 00:57:12,895 You're right. 1186 00:57:12,897 --> 00:57:15,126 You're not the man I married. 1187 00:57:15,128 --> 00:57:18,094 The man I married didn't wallow in self-pity. 1188 00:57:18,096 --> 00:57:20,860 He did things on his own terms. 1189 00:57:20,862 --> 00:57:22,661 I don't want to retire. 1190 00:57:22,663 --> 00:57:24,660 Not yet, I'm not ready. 1191 00:57:24,662 --> 00:57:25,694 Oh for god's sake! 1192 00:57:25,696 --> 00:57:26,530 Then don't. 1193 00:57:28,695 --> 00:57:30,528 I thought you wanted me to. 1194 00:57:30,530 --> 00:57:31,427 I do. 1195 00:57:31,429 --> 00:57:33,760 But not if you're going to be miserable. 1196 00:57:33,762 --> 00:57:35,727 I want you to want it too. 1197 00:57:35,729 --> 00:57:38,261 Yeah, but I can't, Harvey is... 1198 00:57:38,263 --> 00:57:39,761 You've got to show him. 1199 00:57:39,763 --> 00:57:43,159 Finish the contract and make your quota. 1200 00:57:43,161 --> 00:57:46,597 Show him you've still got the killer instinct. 1201 00:57:49,563 --> 00:57:50,163 Done! 1202 00:57:51,695 --> 00:57:54,897 (LIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 1203 00:58:09,896 --> 00:58:13,059 ELLIE: Could you choose how to you wanted to die? 1204 00:58:13,061 --> 00:58:14,694 With Leslie? 1205 00:58:14,696 --> 00:58:15,827 Yeah. 1206 00:58:15,829 --> 00:58:16,959 Yes. 1207 00:58:16,961 --> 00:58:18,894 There were lots of options. 1208 00:58:18,896 --> 00:58:20,561 He had a brochure. 1209 00:58:20,563 --> 00:58:22,593 A brochure? 1210 00:58:22,595 --> 00:58:23,230 Yeah. 1211 00:58:24,595 --> 00:58:25,995 What did you choose? 1212 00:58:26,896 --> 00:58:29,193 Quick and painless. 1213 00:58:29,195 --> 00:58:32,094 I didn't want that, but it's all I could afford. 1214 00:58:32,096 --> 00:58:33,561 What did you want? 1215 00:58:33,563 --> 00:58:35,593 I wanted to be hit by a truck 1216 00:58:35,595 --> 00:58:37,629 after pushing a child out of the way. 1217 00:58:40,563 --> 00:58:42,160 What's wrong with that? 1218 00:58:42,162 --> 00:58:43,630 It's a bit extravagant. 1219 00:58:44,729 --> 00:58:46,528 I thought it was heroic. 1220 00:58:46,530 --> 00:58:47,329 It would mean something. 1221 00:58:48,729 --> 00:58:50,560 But it wouldn't be real, would it? 1222 00:58:50,562 --> 00:58:51,461 Well... 1223 00:58:51,463 --> 00:58:52,993 And what if you hadn't got there in time? 1224 00:58:52,995 --> 00:58:54,226 What do you mean? 1225 00:58:54,228 --> 00:58:55,361 If you hadn't got there in time. 1226 00:58:55,363 --> 00:58:57,593 If you misjudged the speed of the truck or something, 1227 00:58:57,595 --> 00:58:59,261 you'd put a child in danger 1228 00:58:59,263 --> 00:59:01,464 just so you could have your dream death? 1229 00:59:02,595 --> 00:59:05,293 Well, uh, I guess the child wouldn't be 1230 00:59:05,295 --> 00:59:06,361 in any real danger. 1231 00:59:06,363 --> 00:59:08,627 How could the child not be in any real danger 1232 00:59:08,629 --> 00:59:10,596 if it's about to be hit by a truck? 1233 00:59:13,262 --> 00:59:15,294 I don't know the details. 1234 00:59:15,296 --> 00:59:17,527 I guess the truck would be going quite slowly. 1235 00:59:17,529 --> 00:59:18,827 So you'd be saving a child 1236 00:59:18,829 --> 00:59:20,593 that's not really in any danger 1237 00:59:20,595 --> 00:59:22,563 from a truck going quite slowly. 1238 00:59:24,129 --> 00:59:26,627 On a scale of things that could be considered heroic, 1239 00:59:26,629 --> 00:59:29,029 I doubt that would score very highly. 1240 00:59:31,195 --> 00:59:32,694 Hmmmm, I dunno. 1241 00:59:32,696 --> 00:59:34,661 What were the other options? 1242 00:59:34,663 --> 00:59:36,463 Oh, you know. 1243 00:59:37,629 --> 00:59:40,729 Shot in the head, strangled, poisoned. 1244 00:59:41,961 --> 00:59:43,563 Anything more interesting? 1245 00:59:44,896 --> 00:59:46,896 Stung by a scorpion? 1246 00:59:48,096 --> 00:59:49,727 Melted in acid? 1247 00:59:49,729 --> 00:59:52,059 Drowned in slurry? 1248 00:59:52,061 --> 00:59:54,529 (LAUGHING) 1249 00:59:56,096 --> 00:59:57,763 I've never met anyone like you. 1250 00:59:59,596 --> 01:00:02,127 Now, see what you could've missed out on? 1251 01:00:02,129 --> 01:00:03,831 And it only gets better from here. 1252 01:00:10,062 --> 01:00:11,994 Did you take your pills? 1253 01:00:11,996 --> 01:00:13,093 You know what the doctor said. 1254 01:00:13,095 --> 01:00:14,661 I don't want you getting excited. 1255 01:00:14,663 --> 01:00:16,528 Yes love, don't worry. 1256 01:00:16,530 --> 01:00:17,860 What time is Clive coming? 1257 01:00:17,862 --> 01:00:18,794 He should've been here by now. 1258 01:00:18,796 --> 01:00:21,126 We have to register by 10. 1259 01:00:21,128 --> 01:00:24,694 You really think it's up to Southern Counties standard? 1260 01:00:24,696 --> 01:00:26,160 I'm not embarrassing myself? 1261 01:00:26,162 --> 01:00:27,794 Of course not. 1262 01:00:27,796 --> 01:00:30,527 I think it's up to national standard! 1263 01:00:30,529 --> 01:00:31,660 I wish you were coming. 1264 01:00:31,662 --> 01:00:33,261 I've made you some sandwiches. 1265 01:00:33,263 --> 01:00:34,728 And a flask of tea. 1266 01:00:34,730 --> 01:00:36,226 And I thought, well, 1267 01:00:36,228 --> 01:00:38,629 I thought this might come in handy. 1268 01:00:43,563 --> 01:00:45,660 Penelope O'Neil, 1269 01:00:45,662 --> 01:00:48,894 I don't think it is possible to love you any more than I do 1270 01:00:48,896 --> 01:00:49,860 right now. 1271 01:00:49,862 --> 01:00:51,761 And you'll be back tomorrow? 1272 01:00:51,763 --> 01:00:52,993 Yeah. 1273 01:00:52,995 --> 01:00:54,293 I'll do lamb cutlets for dinner. 1274 01:00:54,295 --> 01:00:56,193 Ahhh, my favorite! 1275 01:00:56,195 --> 01:00:57,661 Where are you going? 1276 01:00:57,663 --> 01:00:58,294 (DOORBELL CHIMING) 1277 01:00:58,296 --> 01:00:59,497 That'll be Clive. 1278 01:01:00,662 --> 01:01:01,693 Wish me luck! 1279 01:01:01,695 --> 01:01:02,664 Good luck. 1280 01:01:13,996 --> 01:01:16,093 (CAR STARTING) 1281 01:01:16,095 --> 01:01:19,663 (OMINOUS ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 1282 01:02:06,228 --> 01:02:07,728 See you tomorrow, boys 1283 01:02:18,595 --> 01:02:21,196 (DOOR CLOSING) 1284 01:02:44,663 --> 01:02:47,597 (BIRDS CHIRPING) 1285 01:02:58,062 --> 01:02:59,661 RADIO ANNOUNCER: World's strongest man 1286 01:02:59,663 --> 01:03:02,060 and celebrity budgie fancier Geoff Capes 1287 01:03:02,062 --> 01:03:05,129 in the studio to discuss his recessive... 1288 01:03:09,529 --> 01:03:12,197 (GROUP CHATTERING) 1289 01:03:32,195 --> 01:03:35,193 Now this, number three, has a lovely kaleidoscope. 1290 01:03:35,195 --> 01:03:38,129 (GROUP CHATTERING) 1291 01:03:47,695 --> 01:03:48,696 Hello, is it on? 1292 01:03:50,262 --> 01:03:51,563 Hello, yes, that's better. 1293 01:04:07,296 --> 01:04:12,463 And in third place, number 14, Sue Simmons. 1294 01:04:12,996 --> 01:04:14,626 Well done, Sue! 1295 01:04:14,628 --> 01:04:17,563 (GROUP APPLAUDING) 1296 01:04:33,961 --> 01:04:35,792 And in second place, 1297 01:04:35,794 --> 01:04:40,293 not quite up to her usual all-conquering standard, 1298 01:04:40,295 --> 01:04:42,527 Morag Bleasdale! 1299 01:04:42,529 --> 01:04:44,593 So sorry, Morag. 1300 01:04:44,595 --> 01:04:45,959 Well done, Morag! 1301 01:04:45,961 --> 01:04:46,792 Beautiful work. 1302 01:04:46,794 --> 01:04:49,695 (GROUP APPLAUDING) 1303 01:04:50,862 --> 01:04:53,627 But as we all know its not the taking part, 1304 01:04:53,629 --> 01:04:55,560 it's the winning that counts. 1305 01:04:55,562 --> 01:04:57,830 (LAUGHING) 1306 01:04:59,229 --> 01:05:01,994 So the winner of this year's Southern Counties 1307 01:05:01,996 --> 01:05:04,859 Binnual Needlework and Embroidery competition, 1308 01:05:04,861 --> 01:05:08,862 cushion category is, drum roll please. 1309 01:05:18,196 --> 01:05:19,463 LESLIE: Hello, William. 1310 01:05:21,095 --> 01:05:23,693 (LIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 1311 01:05:23,695 --> 01:05:24,926 How did you... 1312 01:05:24,928 --> 01:05:26,895 LESLIE: I told you I was up to the job. 1313 01:05:28,061 --> 01:05:29,593 WILLIAM: But everything has changed! 1314 01:05:29,595 --> 01:05:30,497 I don't want to die. 1315 01:05:31,995 --> 01:05:33,926 (LAUGHING) 1316 01:05:33,928 --> 01:05:36,496 The irony is not lost on me. 1317 01:05:37,629 --> 01:05:38,629 Who are you talking... 1318 01:05:39,594 --> 01:05:40,627 Oh. 1319 01:05:40,629 --> 01:05:41,559 Oh, great! 1320 01:05:41,561 --> 01:05:43,294 Now I have to kill you both. 1321 01:05:43,296 --> 01:05:44,227 No! 1322 01:05:44,229 --> 01:05:45,827 Please, she won't say anything. 1323 01:05:45,829 --> 01:05:46,659 Will you? 1324 01:05:46,661 --> 01:05:47,496 She won't. 1325 01:05:48,561 --> 01:05:49,159 I might. 1326 01:05:49,161 --> 01:05:51,859 No, you won't! 1327 01:05:51,861 --> 01:05:55,860 Okay, well, ummm, you're definitely dying, 1328 01:05:55,862 --> 01:05:57,527 so let's get that out of the way first, 1329 01:05:57,529 --> 01:06:00,560 and then I can work out what to do with you. 1330 01:06:00,562 --> 01:06:03,528 So, um, have a good death. 1331 01:06:06,561 --> 01:06:07,194 (PHONE RINGING) 1332 01:06:07,196 --> 01:06:08,592 Oh! 1333 01:06:08,594 --> 01:06:09,463 Sorry. 1334 01:06:13,095 --> 01:06:15,763 (PHONE BEEPING) 1335 01:06:18,562 --> 01:06:20,159 (PHONE RINGING) 1336 01:06:20,161 --> 01:06:20,794 Oh. 1337 01:06:21,961 --> 01:06:23,660 Jesus, can't you turn it off? 1338 01:06:23,662 --> 01:06:25,060 Yes, I really have to take this. 1339 01:06:25,062 --> 01:06:25,859 Sure. 1340 01:06:25,861 --> 01:06:27,094 Go ahead. 1341 01:06:27,096 --> 01:06:29,293 It's only my life that we're dealing with here. 1342 01:06:29,295 --> 01:06:30,526 (PHONE BEEPING) 1343 01:06:30,528 --> 01:06:33,093 Hello, sweetheart? 1344 01:06:33,095 --> 01:06:35,626 Yes, uh, I'm sort of in the middle of something. 1345 01:06:35,628 --> 01:06:37,060 Oh, Les! 1346 01:06:37,062 --> 01:06:37,927 Something terrible's happened. 1347 01:06:37,929 --> 01:06:39,194 What? 1348 01:06:39,196 --> 01:06:40,462 Is this about the Southern Counties? 1349 01:06:43,096 --> 01:06:45,560 We've had a break in, Les. 1350 01:06:45,562 --> 01:06:47,563 There's papers everywhere. 1351 01:06:49,262 --> 01:06:52,528 And, Les, they've killed the budgies. 1352 01:06:53,195 --> 01:06:54,560 What? 1353 01:06:54,562 --> 01:06:55,629 Is everything okay? 1354 01:06:57,196 --> 01:07:00,527 They look like they've been crushed. 1355 01:07:00,529 --> 01:07:02,893 Ah, ah, all right, I have to go. 1356 01:07:02,895 --> 01:07:04,860 PENNY: Oh Les, who would do this? 1357 01:07:04,862 --> 01:07:08,463 I'll work it out, but ah, I have to go. 1358 01:07:09,861 --> 01:07:12,528 (PHONE BEEPING) 1359 01:07:13,629 --> 01:07:15,462 Someone killed my budgies. 1360 01:07:18,629 --> 01:07:19,463 Budgies? 1361 01:07:20,694 --> 01:07:21,792 Mm-hmm 1362 01:07:21,794 --> 01:07:22,629 I'm sorry. 1363 01:07:25,761 --> 01:07:27,660 So, where were we? 1364 01:07:27,662 --> 01:07:28,959 Ah, yes! 1365 01:07:28,961 --> 01:07:29,792 (GUN FIRING) 1366 01:07:29,794 --> 01:07:31,960 (GASPING) 1367 01:07:31,962 --> 01:07:35,863 (SUSPENSEFUL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 1368 01:07:45,228 --> 01:07:47,159 Who the fuck are you? 1369 01:07:47,161 --> 01:07:48,593 Well, thanks. 1370 01:07:48,595 --> 01:07:50,529 That guy was going to kill us! 1371 01:07:52,695 --> 01:07:53,529 Oh. 1372 01:07:55,996 --> 01:07:56,830 What? 1373 01:08:00,629 --> 01:08:03,163 Now, you shoot yourself. 1374 01:08:04,561 --> 01:08:05,692 What? 1375 01:08:05,694 --> 01:08:07,159 Why would I want to do that? 1376 01:08:07,161 --> 01:08:08,559 Or I shoot her. 1377 01:08:08,561 --> 01:08:10,626 Don't bring me into this. 1378 01:08:10,628 --> 01:08:11,627 Okay, okay. 1379 01:08:11,629 --> 01:08:13,160 Let's not... 1380 01:08:13,162 --> 01:08:16,692 Wait, why do I have to shoot myself? 1381 01:08:16,694 --> 01:08:17,728 Why can't you do it? 1382 01:08:31,695 --> 01:08:32,562 For suicide. 1383 01:08:35,562 --> 01:08:37,027 You shot him 1384 01:08:37,029 --> 01:08:37,963 then you shot you. 1385 01:08:39,661 --> 01:08:40,529 I was never here. 1386 01:08:41,729 --> 01:08:43,563 Ah yeah, makes sense. 1387 01:08:44,528 --> 01:08:45,529 And you'll let her go? 1388 01:08:46,662 --> 01:08:49,026 Well then I have no incentive. 1389 01:08:49,028 --> 01:08:50,226 If you're going to kill her anyway, 1390 01:08:50,228 --> 01:08:51,163 okay, okay. 1391 01:08:53,263 --> 01:08:54,527 Wait a minute. 1392 01:08:54,529 --> 01:08:55,893 You shot him with that gun 1393 01:08:55,895 --> 01:08:58,229 so he can't shoot himself with this gun. 1394 01:09:01,694 --> 01:09:03,529 Yeah, she's got a point. 1395 01:09:06,528 --> 01:09:07,626 I don't understand. 1396 01:09:07,628 --> 01:09:10,628 You take this gun and then you give me that one. 1397 01:09:20,529 --> 01:09:22,260 Okay, now shoot. 1398 01:09:22,262 --> 01:09:23,093 Okay, Jesus! 1399 01:09:23,095 --> 01:09:24,595 Just let me, 1400 01:09:26,628 --> 01:09:27,759 oh God. 1401 01:09:27,761 --> 01:09:29,127 Will, what are you doing? 1402 01:09:29,129 --> 01:09:30,660 Five. 1403 01:09:30,662 --> 01:09:32,959 I just want you to know... 1404 01:09:32,961 --> 01:09:34,693 Four. 1405 01:09:34,695 --> 01:09:35,960 I just want you to know that ever since I met you 1406 01:09:35,962 --> 01:09:38,527 I haven't thought about killing myself once. 1407 01:09:38,529 --> 01:09:39,893 Three. 1408 01:09:39,895 --> 01:09:41,592 Thank you. 1409 01:09:41,594 --> 01:09:42,229 Two. 1410 01:09:43,794 --> 01:09:44,692 One. 1411 01:09:44,694 --> 01:09:48,559 (KNIFE STABBING) (GRUNTING) 1412 01:09:48,561 --> 01:09:50,830 (GRUNTING) 1413 01:09:53,694 --> 01:09:56,628 (HEAVY PUNCHING) 1414 01:09:57,794 --> 01:09:59,629 You killed my budgies. 1415 01:10:10,962 --> 01:10:12,462 I think he's dead. 1416 01:10:13,562 --> 01:10:14,596 Yeah. 1417 01:10:15,828 --> 01:10:16,795 Are you okay? 1418 01:10:18,262 --> 01:10:21,130 Oh, it's only a, it's a flesh wound. 1419 01:10:24,628 --> 01:10:27,659 Well, I suppose we'd better get on with this! 1420 01:10:27,661 --> 01:10:28,960 Oh fuck. 1421 01:10:28,962 --> 01:10:30,726 What, but you just saved him! 1422 01:10:30,728 --> 01:10:31,659 So I can kill him. 1423 01:10:31,661 --> 01:10:32,592 It's my contract! 1424 01:10:32,594 --> 01:10:34,692 It's not legally binding! 1425 01:10:34,694 --> 01:10:36,693 Oh, you're not going to shoot me. 1426 01:10:36,695 --> 01:10:37,995 You can't even shoot yourself! 1427 01:10:40,227 --> 01:10:41,592 Oh, give it here. 1428 01:10:41,594 --> 01:10:42,660 Oh, this is getting ridiculous. 1429 01:10:42,662 --> 01:10:43,759 Put the gun down. 1430 01:10:43,761 --> 01:10:46,159 You will not shoot that gun. 1431 01:10:46,161 --> 01:10:47,027 (GUN FIRING) 1432 01:10:47,029 --> 01:10:47,829 Whoa, careful! 1433 01:10:51,195 --> 01:10:52,995 Put the gun down. 1434 01:10:55,595 --> 01:10:56,692 You put the gun down. 1435 01:10:56,694 --> 01:10:57,659 I'm not putting the gun down. 1436 01:10:57,661 --> 01:10:58,493 Why would I put the gun down? 1437 01:10:58,495 --> 01:10:59,859 If you're not putting your gun down 1438 01:10:59,861 --> 01:11:01,593 there's no way I'm gonna put this gun down. 1439 01:11:01,595 --> 01:11:03,896 Then let's just stand here until you bleed to death. 1440 01:11:05,228 --> 01:11:08,027 Leslie, I really appreciate all your efforts, 1441 01:11:08,029 --> 01:11:10,192 but could we just call this off? 1442 01:11:10,194 --> 01:11:11,526 If it's about the money, then... 1443 01:11:11,528 --> 01:11:13,027 It's not about the money. 1444 01:11:13,029 --> 01:11:13,928 Then what is it? 1445 01:11:15,095 --> 01:11:16,760 I understand that you have certain principles. 1446 01:11:16,762 --> 01:11:18,793 If I don't complete this contract by next week, 1447 01:11:18,795 --> 01:11:22,559 I won't make my quota. 1448 01:11:22,561 --> 01:11:23,795 And then I'll have to retire. 1449 01:11:26,529 --> 01:11:27,463 Yeah well, umm, 1450 01:11:28,996 --> 01:11:32,560 uh, no, the only way out of this is to, uh, 1451 01:11:32,562 --> 01:11:35,158 is to kill you both and then say I never saw him. 1452 01:11:35,160 --> 01:11:38,029 Maybe then I'll be able to keep my job. 1453 01:11:39,561 --> 01:11:44,562 If she puts her gun down, will you promise to let her go? 1454 01:11:46,795 --> 01:11:48,229 My contract is with you. 1455 01:11:56,829 --> 01:12:00,026 I wanted to die because I had nothing to live for. 1456 01:12:00,028 --> 01:12:01,862 And that's what I was trying to find. 1457 01:12:02,995 --> 01:12:03,895 And now I found it. 1458 01:12:07,561 --> 01:12:09,196 And that's got to be worth dying for. 1459 01:12:14,294 --> 01:12:16,059 You really think too much. 1460 01:12:16,061 --> 01:12:18,959 (DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 1461 01:12:18,961 --> 01:12:20,462 I want to thank you, Leslie. 1462 01:12:21,895 --> 01:12:24,626 You were there for me when I really needed someone, 1463 01:12:24,628 --> 01:12:27,195 even though you were trying to kill me at the time. 1464 01:12:28,227 --> 01:12:29,729 Yes, you're welcome, 1465 01:12:31,228 --> 01:12:33,760 but I still have to kill you. 1466 01:12:33,762 --> 01:12:35,026 Okay. 1467 01:12:35,028 --> 01:12:35,860 Wait! 1468 01:12:35,862 --> 01:12:36,894 Oh, Jesus Christ! 1469 01:12:36,896 --> 01:12:38,125 What? 1470 01:12:38,127 --> 01:12:39,593 What if we take out a contract? 1471 01:12:39,595 --> 01:12:40,226 What? 1472 01:12:40,228 --> 01:12:41,063 On who? 1473 01:12:42,628 --> 01:12:43,626 You mean on whom? 1474 01:12:43,628 --> 01:12:44,462 On whom? 1475 01:12:48,562 --> 01:12:50,693 Retrospectively? 1476 01:12:50,695 --> 01:12:51,495 Obviously. 1477 01:12:54,528 --> 01:12:58,560 Well, this is, uhh, utterly irregular. 1478 01:12:58,562 --> 01:12:59,960 Who's to know? 1479 01:12:59,962 --> 01:13:02,463 Then you'll have your contract and make your quota. 1480 01:13:03,629 --> 01:13:04,796 What about the money? 1481 01:13:06,029 --> 01:13:08,193 I've got 2,000 pounds in an escrow account 1482 01:13:08,195 --> 01:13:09,062 you could have. 1483 01:13:17,995 --> 01:13:19,996 Do you have any paper? 1484 01:13:21,562 --> 01:13:22,626 Yes! 1485 01:13:22,628 --> 01:13:24,029 Yes I do, I... 1486 01:13:33,028 --> 01:13:34,562 I don't need it. 1487 01:13:41,761 --> 01:13:43,463 We should take a look at that ear. 1488 01:13:44,628 --> 01:13:46,595 I've probably got some Savlon somewhere. 1489 01:13:55,127 --> 01:13:56,693 (GRUNTING) 1490 01:13:56,695 --> 01:14:00,563 (DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 1491 01:14:11,695 --> 01:14:14,159 Wait, one thing I don't understand, 1492 01:14:14,161 --> 01:14:15,830 how did you know where we were? 1493 01:14:17,028 --> 01:14:19,760 Well, uh, there was a background check on you. 1494 01:14:19,762 --> 01:14:20,596 On? 1495 01:14:21,761 --> 01:14:23,126 There isn't a... 1496 01:14:23,128 --> 01:14:26,125 No, no, it wasn't you, it was for your boss. 1497 01:14:26,127 --> 01:14:28,829 Apparently he was very unpopular. 1498 01:14:30,194 --> 01:14:32,659 So he didn't die because of me? 1499 01:14:32,661 --> 01:14:33,760 Oh, yes he did. 1500 01:14:33,762 --> 01:14:36,162 But someone would have got to him sooner or later. 1501 01:14:37,562 --> 01:14:38,995 What are you going to do now? 1502 01:14:40,528 --> 01:14:42,596 I have an idea for a new book. 1503 01:14:43,694 --> 01:14:45,061 The main character at least. 1504 01:14:46,794 --> 01:14:48,462 You're a good man, William. 1505 01:14:49,629 --> 01:14:50,962 I'm glad I didn't kill you. 1506 01:14:52,060 --> 01:14:53,560 Thanks, Leslie. 1507 01:14:53,562 --> 01:14:55,193 I'm glad I didn't die. 1508 01:14:55,195 --> 01:14:58,196 (LIGHT PIANO MUSIC) 1509 01:15:04,561 --> 01:15:05,628 Hello, what's this? 1510 01:15:08,594 --> 01:15:10,058 I was worried. 1511 01:15:10,060 --> 01:15:11,526 What happened? 1512 01:15:11,528 --> 01:15:13,529 Oh, you should see the other guy! 1513 01:15:15,261 --> 01:15:16,560 So? 1514 01:15:16,562 --> 01:15:17,992 So? 1515 01:15:17,994 --> 01:15:19,195 The Southern Counties? 1516 01:15:23,662 --> 01:15:24,860 Ah, first place! 1517 01:15:24,862 --> 01:15:25,926 You got first place? 1518 01:15:25,928 --> 01:15:26,925 Yep. 1519 01:15:26,927 --> 01:15:28,692 And Morag Bleasdale? 1520 01:15:28,694 --> 01:15:29,629 Second. 1521 01:15:30,562 --> 01:15:31,763 LESLIE: That's fantastic. 1522 01:15:33,662 --> 01:15:35,560 It's just the Southern Counties. 1523 01:15:35,562 --> 01:15:38,563 Ahhh, so now it's just the Southern Counties! 1524 01:15:39,695 --> 01:15:41,195 Oh, I am so proud of you. 1525 01:15:45,695 --> 01:15:48,596 (DOORBELL RINGING) 1526 01:15:58,695 --> 01:16:00,696 HARVEY: Hello Penny, is Leslie home? 1527 01:16:03,261 --> 01:16:05,928 (CLOCK TICKING) 1528 01:16:19,895 --> 01:16:23,760 Penny, could you give me and Harvey a minute, please? 1529 01:16:23,762 --> 01:16:24,693 You sure? 1530 01:16:24,695 --> 01:16:25,929 LESLIE: Yes. 1531 01:16:28,562 --> 01:16:30,593 Midsomer Murders is on in a minute. 1532 01:16:30,595 --> 01:16:32,830 (LAUGHING) 1533 01:16:37,829 --> 01:16:39,796 So, why are you here, Harvey? 1534 01:16:41,795 --> 01:16:42,629 You know. 1535 01:16:44,060 --> 01:16:44,894 No, I don't. 1536 01:16:45,861 --> 01:16:46,992 You know. 1537 01:16:46,994 --> 01:16:48,662 And I know you know. 1538 01:16:49,861 --> 01:16:50,763 I don't know. 1539 01:16:52,794 --> 01:16:55,225 Mr. Morrison is still alive. 1540 01:16:55,227 --> 01:16:56,061 Really? 1541 01:16:57,194 --> 01:16:59,159 And no one's heard from Ivan the terrible hitman. 1542 01:16:59,161 --> 01:17:03,592 Well, you can't trust these foreign kids, can you? 1543 01:17:03,594 --> 01:17:05,660 You should have asked me to do the job. 1544 01:17:05,662 --> 01:17:07,593 What do you take me for? 1545 01:17:07,595 --> 01:17:10,925 I'm not one of your senior fucking Alzheimer friends. 1546 01:17:10,927 --> 01:17:13,659 I'm actually a little bit impressed. 1547 01:17:13,661 --> 01:17:15,229 I didn't think you were up to it. 1548 01:17:16,228 --> 01:17:17,659 I told you. 1549 01:17:17,661 --> 01:17:19,527 Yeah, you did. 1550 01:17:19,529 --> 01:17:21,663 And I told you to take the fucking clock. 1551 01:17:25,694 --> 01:17:27,094 You don't have to do this. 1552 01:17:28,261 --> 01:17:30,125 Have a bit of fucking pride, eh? 1553 01:17:30,127 --> 01:17:31,663 No, I mean, um, 1554 01:17:35,227 --> 01:17:36,061 I mean this. 1555 01:17:37,662 --> 01:17:38,926 What is it? 1556 01:17:38,928 --> 01:17:40,592 It's a contract. 1557 01:17:40,594 --> 01:17:41,559 HARVEY: What? 1558 01:17:41,561 --> 01:17:42,159 LESLIE: On Ivan. 1559 01:17:42,161 --> 01:17:43,862 You must be fucking... 1560 01:17:50,160 --> 01:17:50,992 All right. 1561 01:17:50,994 --> 01:17:52,692 Where's the money? 1562 01:17:52,694 --> 01:17:54,959 I think you'll find two grand of Mr. Morrison's 1563 01:17:54,961 --> 01:17:56,627 in the escrow account. 1564 01:17:56,629 --> 01:17:57,826 But that was... 1565 01:17:57,828 --> 01:17:59,628 No, he's still alive so it's his money. 1566 01:18:00,794 --> 01:18:02,526 No, you can't take on new contracts! 1567 01:18:02,528 --> 01:18:03,660 You're retired. 1568 01:18:03,662 --> 01:18:05,093 I hadn't made my quota! 1569 01:18:05,095 --> 01:18:06,059 Now I have. 1570 01:18:06,061 --> 01:18:07,959 You're taking the piss. 1571 01:18:07,961 --> 01:18:11,992 Why can't you just retire like a normal fucking person? 1572 01:18:11,994 --> 01:18:13,195 I am an assassin. 1573 01:18:14,629 --> 01:18:17,862 That's what I do, and that's who I am. 1574 01:18:19,228 --> 01:18:20,929 You're a fucking dead man. 1575 01:18:22,228 --> 01:18:24,659 (GUN CLICKING) 1576 01:18:24,661 --> 01:18:26,626 (SUSPENSEFUL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 1577 01:18:26,628 --> 01:18:27,995 Ah, like that is it? 1578 01:18:29,828 --> 01:18:31,226 (LAUGHING) 1579 01:18:31,228 --> 01:18:32,462 Under the table? 1580 01:18:33,927 --> 01:18:35,559 Right now? 1581 01:18:35,561 --> 01:18:37,228 Right now under the table? 1582 01:18:38,761 --> 01:18:39,596 Take a look. 1583 01:18:51,594 --> 01:18:52,628 Fuck. 1584 01:18:53,595 --> 01:18:56,496 Now, wait a sec, all right? 1585 01:19:07,995 --> 01:19:08,825 Leslie! 1586 01:19:08,827 --> 01:19:10,093 Please, Penny. 1587 01:19:10,095 --> 01:19:11,125 Hasn't Midsomer Murders started yet? 1588 01:19:11,127 --> 01:19:13,627 It was a bit grisly. 1589 01:19:13,629 --> 01:19:15,596 And I wanted to show Harvey my cushion. 1590 01:19:17,161 --> 01:19:22,162 I won first prize in the Southern Counties Biannual 1591 01:19:23,594 --> 01:19:26,792 Needlecraft and Embroidery competition, cushion class. 1592 01:19:26,794 --> 01:19:27,791 Oh yeah. 1593 01:19:27,793 --> 01:19:30,058 What are they supposed to be? 1594 01:19:30,060 --> 01:19:33,992 They're turtle doves, a mating pair. 1595 01:19:33,994 --> 01:19:38,192 Interesting thing about turtle doves is they mate for life. 1596 01:19:38,194 --> 01:19:41,759 They stay together, grow old together and when one dies, 1597 01:19:41,761 --> 01:19:45,062 the other one tends to die soon after. 1598 01:19:46,095 --> 01:19:48,528 They absolutely need each other. 1599 01:19:49,629 --> 01:19:50,563 Sweet really. 1600 01:19:52,827 --> 01:19:53,661 Huh. 1601 01:19:58,094 --> 01:20:01,560 Is that for Les? 1602 01:20:01,562 --> 01:20:02,958 Look at that! 1603 01:20:02,960 --> 01:20:03,895 Oh! 1604 01:20:04,927 --> 01:20:07,992 Isn't that something! 1605 01:20:07,994 --> 01:20:09,061 Les? 1606 01:20:09,894 --> 01:20:12,025 Isn't that something? 1607 01:20:12,027 --> 01:20:14,758 I think he's a bit scared of retirement. 1608 01:20:14,760 --> 01:20:17,593 But I said to him, it's exciting. 1609 01:20:17,595 --> 01:20:19,726 Time to enjoy himself, didn't I, Les? 1610 01:20:19,728 --> 01:20:22,058 The start of the rest of our lives. 1611 01:20:22,060 --> 01:20:23,495 Isn't that right, Les? 1612 01:20:24,861 --> 01:20:27,758 Is that right, Leslie? 1613 01:20:27,760 --> 01:20:31,661 (SUSPENSEFUL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 1614 01:20:34,262 --> 01:20:36,058 Did I tell you? 1615 01:20:36,060 --> 01:20:37,691 We're going on a cruise! 1616 01:20:37,693 --> 01:20:38,826 'Round the whole world! 1617 01:20:38,828 --> 01:20:40,862 Cape Town, Sydney, 1618 01:20:41,794 --> 01:20:43,560 Nuku'Alofa. 1619 01:20:43,562 --> 01:20:44,196 Hmmm? 1620 01:20:45,060 --> 01:20:45,926 It's in Tonga. 1621 01:20:45,928 --> 01:20:47,626 Ah. 1622 01:20:47,628 --> 01:20:50,825 It's a trip of a lifetime, that's what they say. 1623 01:20:50,827 --> 01:20:53,929 Awww, thank you for this, Harvey. 1624 01:20:55,127 --> 01:20:57,092 It'll look perfect on the mantelpiece. 1625 01:20:57,094 --> 01:20:59,995 Isn't that kind of Harvey, Les? 1626 01:21:03,295 --> 01:21:07,162 (SUSPENSEFUL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) 1627 01:21:13,861 --> 01:21:15,529 Thank you, Harvey. 1628 01:21:24,529 --> 01:21:25,562 Anyway, 1629 01:21:28,593 --> 01:21:30,659 I'd best be off. 1630 01:21:30,661 --> 01:21:32,062 Leave you to your evening. 1631 01:21:33,227 --> 01:21:34,659 You not stopping for tea, Harvey? 1632 01:21:34,661 --> 01:21:35,892 We've got herbal. 1633 01:21:35,894 --> 01:21:37,595 No, no, you're all right. 1634 01:21:40,694 --> 01:21:42,029 Enjoy your retirement, Leslie. 1635 01:21:44,561 --> 01:21:45,762 We're sorry to lose you. 1636 01:21:48,693 --> 01:21:50,658 Send our love to Sandra. 1637 01:21:50,660 --> 01:21:51,495 Mmm. 1638 01:21:59,160 --> 01:22:00,093 (DOOR CLOSING) 1639 01:22:00,095 --> 01:22:02,229 (SIGHING) 1640 01:22:04,027 --> 01:22:05,859 I'm not sorry. 1641 01:22:05,861 --> 01:22:09,627 I know you loved your job, but it's not all you are. 1642 01:22:10,560 --> 01:22:12,692 At least not to me. 1643 01:22:12,694 --> 01:22:15,259 (LIGHT PIANO MUSIC) 1644 01:22:15,261 --> 01:22:17,161 What would I do without you? 1645 01:22:19,560 --> 01:22:22,093 I'm just pleased I didn't have to stick him. 1646 01:22:22,095 --> 01:22:24,562 (LAUGHING) 1647 01:22:38,060 --> 01:22:39,895 WILLIAM: So, uh, did they like it? 1648 01:22:40,927 --> 01:22:42,293 Seemed to. 1649 01:22:42,295 --> 01:22:44,725 They love the assassin character. 1650 01:22:44,727 --> 01:22:46,527 And they want to meet you next week. 1651 01:22:47,660 --> 01:22:48,494 That's great. 1652 01:22:49,227 --> 01:22:50,825 You can make that? 1653 01:22:50,827 --> 01:22:53,627 Yes, I think I can make that. 1654 01:22:55,693 --> 01:22:58,694 ELLIE: So this living thing's really not that bad, is it? 1655 01:23:01,160 --> 01:23:02,158 Well, you never know when a piano 1656 01:23:02,160 --> 01:23:03,627 is going to fall on your head. 1657 01:23:14,228 --> 01:23:15,692 (CAR HORN HONKING) 1658 01:23:15,694 --> 01:23:16,528 William! 1659 01:23:17,194 --> 01:23:19,561 (GASPING) 1660 01:23:23,593 --> 01:23:24,625 (GRUNTING) 1661 01:23:24,627 --> 01:23:25,461 William! 1662 01:23:29,528 --> 01:23:33,193 Call an ambulance, call an ambulance! 1663 01:23:33,195 --> 01:23:34,029 William! 1664 01:23:34,994 --> 01:23:36,161 Is, is he... 1665 01:23:38,694 --> 01:23:41,525 What, yes, yes, he's fine, he's fine. 1666 01:23:41,527 --> 01:23:42,962 You saved him. 1667 01:23:44,261 --> 01:23:44,894 What about you? 1668 01:23:46,561 --> 01:23:48,129 I've definitely felt better. 1669 01:23:49,660 --> 01:23:51,461 Here, lie down with me. 1670 01:23:57,661 --> 01:24:00,628 (GROUP CLAPPING) 1671 01:24:01,261 --> 01:24:02,461 Are they clapping? 1672 01:24:06,527 --> 01:24:08,627 Yeah, they're clapping. 1673 01:24:14,195 --> 01:24:15,029 Perfect. 1674 01:24:20,728 --> 01:24:22,925 ♪ Darkness falls across the land ♪ 1675 01:24:22,927 --> 01:24:25,658 ♪ And I'd do anything just to hold your hand ♪ 1676 01:24:25,660 --> 01:24:27,893 ♪ Where the angels sing a song ♪ 1677 01:24:27,895 --> 01:24:29,659 ♪ Come on through ♪ 1678 01:24:29,661 --> 01:24:32,225 ♪ Well, I fly through the night to get home to you ♪ 1679 01:24:32,227 --> 01:24:34,559 ♪ Home to you ♪ 1680 01:24:34,561 --> 01:24:37,293 (LIGHT ROCK MUSIC) 1681 01:24:37,295 --> 01:24:39,226 ♪ Darkness falls across the land ♪ 1682 01:24:39,228 --> 01:24:42,259 ♪ And I'd do anything just to hold your hand ♪ 1683 01:24:42,261 --> 01:24:44,260 ♪ Where the angels sing a song ♪ 1684 01:24:44,262 --> 01:24:45,425 ♪ Come on through ♪ 1685 01:24:45,427 --> 01:24:48,626 ♪ Well, I fly through the night to get home to you ♪ 1686 01:24:48,628 --> 01:24:53,628 ♪ Home to you ♪ 1687 01:24:54,828 --> 01:24:56,092 ♪ Darkness falls across the land ♪ 1688 01:24:56,094 --> 01:24:58,826 ♪ And I'd do anything just to hold your hand ♪ 1689 01:24:58,828 --> 01:25:00,926 ♪ Where the angels sing a song ♪ 1690 01:25:00,928 --> 01:25:02,692 ♪ Come on through ♪ 1691 01:25:02,694 --> 01:25:05,591 ♪ Well, I fly through the night to get home to you ♪ 1692 01:25:05,593 --> 01:25:07,894 ♪ Home to you ♪ 1693 01:25:15,184 --> 01:25:20,184 Subtitles by explosiveskull 1694 01:25:28,694 --> 01:25:30,791 ♪ With the taste of dark between my teeth ♪ 1695 01:25:30,793 --> 01:25:34,026 ♪ And the crashing of waves underneath my feet ♪ 1696 01:25:34,028 --> 01:25:36,691 ♪ Gonna give myself to the endless gloom ♪ 1697 01:25:36,693 --> 01:25:40,026 ♪ Fly through the night to get home to you ♪ 1698 01:25:40,028 --> 01:25:45,029 ♪ Home to you ♪ 1699 01:25:46,228 --> 01:25:47,692 ♪ Darkness falls across the land ♪ 1700 01:25:47,694 --> 01:25:50,159 ♪ And I'd do anything just to hold your hand ♪ 1701 01:25:50,161 --> 01:25:52,558 ♪ Where the angels sing a song ♪ 1702 01:25:52,560 --> 01:25:53,726 ♪ Come on through ♪ 1703 01:25:53,728 --> 01:25:56,858 ♪ Well, I fly through the night to get home to you ♪ 1704 01:25:56,860 --> 01:26:00,725 ♪ Home to you ♪ 1705 01:26:00,727 --> 01:26:02,659 ♪ Darkness falls across the land ♪ 1706 01:26:02,661 --> 01:26:05,558 ♪ And I'd do anything just to hold your hand ♪ 1707 01:26:05,560 --> 01:26:07,659 ♪ Where the angels sing a song ♪ 1708 01:26:07,661 --> 01:26:09,059 ♪ Come on through ♪ 1709 01:26:09,061 --> 01:26:12,025 ♪ Well, I'd fly through the night to get home to you ♪ 1710 01:26:12,027 --> 01:26:17,028 ♪ Home to you ♪ 1711 01:26:18,593 --> 01:26:21,626 ♪ I fly through the night ♪ 1712 01:26:21,628 --> 01:26:24,959 ♪ To get home to you ♪ 1713 01:26:24,961 --> 01:26:29,962 ♪ The angels sing and come on through ♪ 1714 01:26:30,861 --> 01:26:32,893 ♪ I fly through the night ♪ 1715 01:26:32,895 --> 01:26:36,025 ♪ To get home to you ♪ 1716 01:26:36,027 --> 01:26:39,125 ♪ To get home to you ♪ 1717 01:26:39,127 --> 01:26:41,291 ♪ So come on through ♪ 1718 01:26:41,293 --> 01:26:42,292 ♪ To be back by your side ♪ 1719 01:26:42,294 --> 01:26:47,461 ♪ I'd do anything to be back by your side ♪ 1720 01:26:51,594 --> 01:26:53,925 ♪ Curtain's call, but I just can't go ♪ 1721 01:26:53,927 --> 01:26:55,558 ♪ 'Cause you came and you saw ♪ 1722 01:26:55,560 --> 01:26:58,692 ♪ Pinned my soul to the gray oh gray ♪ 1723 01:26:58,694 --> 01:27:00,125 ♪ And it won't be long ♪ 1724 01:27:00,127 --> 01:27:03,291 ♪ So I fly and fly to get back home ♪ 1725 01:27:03,293 --> 01:27:06,658 ♪ To get home to you ♪ 1726 01:27:06,660 --> 01:27:09,525 ♪ Darkness falls across the land ♪ 1727 01:27:09,527 --> 01:27:12,126 ♪ And I'd do anything just hold your hand ♪ 1728 01:27:12,128 --> 01:27:14,258 ♪ Where the angels sing a song ♪ 1729 01:27:14,260 --> 01:27:15,426 ♪ Come on through ♪ 1730 01:27:15,428 --> 01:27:18,726 ♪ Well, I'd fly through the night to get home to you ♪ 1731 01:27:18,728 --> 01:27:21,893 ♪ Home to you ♪ 1732 01:27:21,895 --> 01:27:24,626 ♪ Curtain's call, but I just can't go ♪ 1733 01:27:24,628 --> 01:27:25,992 ♪ 'Cause you came and you saw ♪ 1734 01:27:25,994 --> 01:27:28,859 ♪ Pinned my soul to the gray, oh gray ♪ 1735 01:27:28,861 --> 01:27:30,625 ♪ Of the world we know ♪ 1736 01:27:30,627 --> 01:27:33,591 ♪ So I fly and I fly to get back home ♪ 1737 01:27:33,593 --> 01:27:36,993 ♪ To get home to you ♪ 1738 01:27:36,995 --> 01:27:39,526 ♪ Darkness falls across the land ♪ 1739 01:27:39,528 --> 01:27:42,525 ♪ And I'd do anything just hold your hand ♪ 1740 01:27:42,527 --> 01:27:44,558 ♪ Where the angels sing a song ♪ 1741 01:27:44,560 --> 01:27:46,092 ♪ Come on through ♪ 1742 01:27:46,094 --> 01:27:48,925 ♪ And I fly through the night to get home to you ♪ 1743 01:27:48,927 --> 01:27:51,628 ♪ Home to you ♪ 1744 01:28:07,827 --> 01:28:09,826 ♪ Darkness falls across the land ♪ 1745 01:28:09,828 --> 01:28:12,859 ♪ And I'd do anything just to hold your hand ♪ 1746 01:28:12,861 --> 01:28:14,791 ♪ When the angels sing a song ♪ 1747 01:28:14,793 --> 01:28:16,525 ♪ Come on through ♪ 1748 01:28:16,527 --> 01:28:19,192 ♪ And I fly through the night to get home to you ♪ 1749 01:28:19,194 --> 01:28:22,559 ♪ Home to you ♪ 1750 01:28:22,561 --> 01:28:24,825 ♪ Curtain's call, but I just can't go ♪ 1751 01:28:24,827 --> 01:28:26,626 ♪ 'Cause you came and you saw ♪ 1752 01:28:26,628 --> 01:28:29,625 ♪ Pinned my soul to the gray, oh gray ♪ 1753 01:28:29,627 --> 01:28:31,025 ♪ Of the world we know ♪ 1754 01:28:31,027 --> 01:28:34,525 ♪ So I fly and I fly to get back home ♪ 1755 01:28:34,527 --> 01:28:37,759 ♪ To get home to you ♪ 1756 01:28:37,761 --> 01:28:40,025 ♪ I fly through the night ♪ 1757 01:28:40,027 --> 01:28:43,124 ♪ To get home to you ♪ 1758 01:28:43,126 --> 01:28:46,026 ♪ The angels sing ♪ 1759 01:28:46,028 --> 01:28:49,658 ♪ And come on through ♪ 1760 01:28:49,660 --> 01:28:51,892 ♪ I fly through the night ♪ 1761 01:28:51,894 --> 01:28:55,026 ♪ To get home to you ♪ 1762 01:28:55,028 --> 01:28:58,525 ♪ To get home to you ♪ 1763 01:28:58,527 --> 01:28:59,791 ♪ So come on through ♪ 1764 01:28:59,793 --> 01:29:01,659 ♪ I'd do anything to be back by your side ♪ 1765 01:29:01,661 --> 01:29:04,526 ♪ I'd do anything to be back by your side ♪ 1766 01:29:04,528 --> 01:29:07,224 ♪ The angels sing ♪ 1767 01:29:07,226 --> 01:29:10,659 ♪ And come on through ♪ 1768 01:29:10,661 --> 01:29:13,558 ♪ The angels sing ♪ 1769 01:29:13,560 --> 01:29:16,591 ♪ And come on through ♪ 1770 01:29:16,593 --> 01:29:19,092 ♪ I fly through the night ♪ 1771 01:29:19,094 --> 01:29:22,659 ♪ To get home to you ♪ 1772 01:29:22,661 --> 01:29:25,692 ♪ To get home to you ♪ 1773 01:29:25,694 --> 01:29:28,691 ♪ To get home to you ♪ 1774 01:29:28,693 --> 01:29:33,494 ♪ So come on through ♪ 1775 01:29:35,528 --> 01:29:37,525 ♪ Darkness falls across the land ♪ 1776 01:29:37,527 --> 01:29:40,659 ♪ And I'd do anything just to hold your hand ♪ 1777 01:29:40,661 --> 01:29:42,958 ♪ When the angels sing a song ♪ 1778 01:29:42,960 --> 01:29:44,125 ♪ Come on through ♪ 1779 01:29:44,127 --> 01:29:47,192 ♪ And I'd fly through the night to get home to you ♪ 1780 01:29:47,194 --> 01:29:50,158 ♪ Home to you ♪ 1781 01:29:50,160 --> 01:29:52,925 ♪ Darkness falls across the land ♪ 1782 01:29:52,927 --> 01:29:55,726 ♪ And I'd do anything just to hold your hand ♪ 1783 01:29:55,728 --> 01:29:57,759 ♪ Where the angels sing a song ♪ 1784 01:29:57,761 --> 01:29:59,525 ♪ Come on through ♪ 1785 01:29:59,527 --> 01:30:02,192 ♪ And I'd fly through the night to get home to you ♪ 1786 01:30:02,194 --> 01:30:04,695 ♪ Home to you ♪ 118205

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