All language subtitles for 17 - Allo Allo S3E02 - Gruber Does Some Mincing

Madame Peyet is in the family way.

She is pleased.

Her husband is not.

He has been in the nick for two years.

Rumour has it that the father
is Maurice Gazier,

whose mistress is Madame Coisette,
the milliner,

whose brother was ADC to General
Claude Cavillon, the hero of Ypres,

which is where he obtained
his wooden leg,

which he keeps on the mantelpiece.

You have not met any of these people
and nor are you likely to

but l thought l'd fill you in
on a little local gossip

because my affairs are so complicated,
l would not know where to begin.

Rrren�, l have a message
from the Rrresistance.

- The communists or our lot?
- Our Rrresistance.

The Alsatian has rrreturned
to Lieutenant Grrruber

with the sausage which he rrretrrrieved.

Thank you, Maria.

Thank God he was not a Rottweiler.

The sausage is the one
containing the forged painting

of the Fallen Madonna
With The Big, erm...

which the communists stole
from my kitchen

and then demanded a ransom
of 800,000 francs.

- (Footsteps)
- Ren�.

l just met M Alfonse,
the undertaker, in the square.

He is wanting the return of his money.

l told him you were dealing with it.

So is has gone home quite happy.

Thank you, Edith.

This is the money that he lent us
to pay the ransom

on the understanding
that the German colonel

would organise an ambush
to snatch it back.

This he failed to do
so the communists still have the money.

(Sighs) How do you tell an ageing
old undertaker with a weak heart

that his entire life savings
have gone, hm?

By telephone.

Nouvion 302, please.

Oh. Ah, you are on duty again,
Antoinette.

Are you still listening in
on everybody's phone calls?

Madame who? What, the milliner?

Another one?

Well, how does she find time
to make the hats?

This is where l get it all from.

'Allo, M Alfonse, how are you?

lt's Ren� from the c... No...

N-now, are you sitting down?

Oh, you are laying out.

Embalming? Oh.

Can you do that with one hand?

ls it, er, anybody we know?

Oh, yes. Well, he was not looking well.

l have some news for you,
the sausage has been returned.

lt went like clockwork.

The money? Well, it is safe.

Well, no, not exactly here, no.

You will have to wait a few days
before you can have it back.

No, M Alfonse,
the Resistance do not pay interest.

Herr Flick, l have something to report.

Helga, how did you get in here?

l used the key that you
personally gave to me.

You do not use that key
during working hours.

That is only for emergencies

and for secret assignments
previously made and approved

for private canoodles.

Sorry, Herr Flick.

Conceal it upon your person.

That is not easy, Herr Flick.

You will think of something.

What is your report?

l have to report that
Lieutenant Gruber has returned

and has been apprehended
by your agent, von Smallhausen,

who is here now.

Tell him to come in here.

Come in here!

- Report.
- Following your instructions,

l apprehended Lieutenant Gruber.

He was in the act of doing his exercises
by performing press-ups on the carpet.

- Did he put up a struggle?
- No, we took him by surprise.

- He is outside.
- Bring him in here.

Bring him in here!

You sent for me?

Your dog stole a very important
Gestapo sausage.

- Where is it?
- Well, er...

thinking that the doggie might fancy
a sausage a bit later for his dinner,

- l put it in my refrigerator.
- And zat is where we found it.

- You have it?
- Yes, it is outside.

Then bring it in here.

Bring it in here!

Open it.

There is nothing there
but a plate of minced meat.

Gruber, have you been mincing?

The little doggie is very particular,

he will not touch chunky food.

But that was a valuable painting
in the sausage.

l know. l removed it.
lt's in the ice compartment.

You have ruined one of the world's
greatest masterpieces.

lf l may say so,
that was not the masterpiece,

- that was the forgery.
- The forgery?

- The forgery?
- The forgery?

So,

somebody substituted the forged
painting in the Gestapo sausage

for the real painting
in the Gestapo sausage

when the sausage was in the caf�.

Or the Resistance
substituted the forged painting

for the real painting
in the Gestapo sausage

when they stole the sausage.

Or you, Herr Gruber,

with your well-known
leaning towards art,

have substituted the forged painting
for the real painting

and your dog
returned the sausage to your quarters,

cleverly mincing the sausage
to remove all traces of my little svastika,

which l had placed on the side of it.

So that now, l will never know

whether it was the original sausage
or just any old sausage.

Absolutely correct, Herr Flick.

So, Gruber, the finger points at you.

But why would l tell you
that this was a forgery,

knowing full well
that it would make you cross?

l could have told you
my doggie had eaten it.

l think this man is innocent.

What sort of a Gestapo officer are you,
saying a man is innocent?

But if what he said is true
and this is a frozen facsimile,

then the real painting must still exist.

Which means that it can be found
by skilful Gestapo investigations.

Hm. That sounds more like the Gestapo.

So,

the last place at which we know
for certain the painting existed

was at Ren�'s caf�.

You, Gruber, are friendly with this man.

Well, we get on quite well.

See what you can wheedle out of him.

lf he will not squeal,
offer to run a tank through his caf�.

(Buzzer)

Oh! Oh!

Oh, ze flashing knobs.

Roger. Roger!

l think we are getting the message.

Oh.

What do we do now?

lt is so long ago,
you have taken me by surprise.

- Oh!
- l say,

is someone going to answer
that damn thing?

- l was fast asleep.
- lt could be London.

lt may be for us.
Come on, take the other end.

Oh. Oh.

Aah!

Leave it alone. Leave it alone.

l have not touched anything.

- How does the damn thing work?
- Loudspeaker's in the jerry.

(Static)

''Allo Nighthawk. 'Allo Nighthawk.

'Are you receiving me?
Are you receiving me? Over.'

- What's he saying?
- l've no idea. lt's all in French.

Let me get hold of it.

l know how to make it work.

l'm glad one of us does.

'Allo, 'allo.
This is Nighthawk's mother-in-law.

Pass your message. Over.

''Allo, 'allo.

'Captain 'ook is waiting for Peter Pan
in Never-Never Land.

'Over.'

l think we have
the children's programme.

No, no, Fanny. lt is in code.

- Code?
- l shall decipher.

Er, it, er...

The print is so small, l cannot read.

- ''Allo Nighthawk's mother-in-law.'
- 'Allo.

''Allo, nighthawk's mother-in-law.

'Are you reading me? Over.'

Er, no, no, the print is too small.

Please send a bigger book.

Over and out.

- Ren�.
- Huh?

These mussels, they're not good.
ls your wife using a new spice?

Such as hair tonic?

They come from the usual harbour,
dear Colonel.

l think one of your submarines
is leaking a little diesel oil.

Due to the fact that the RAF blew it up.

All the RAF has been shot down.

Goebbels said so on the wireless.
So it must be true.

Mind you, he said Eva Braun was 29.

lf you believe that, you believe anything.

- Somebody may be listening.
- Oh, l'm sorry.

Colonel, Colonel, l have a slight problem.

The money you promised to ambush,
the owner wants it back.

Well, hard chicken.

That was the bargain.
l was to get the money for the painting,

give the painting to you

and you were to ambush
the communists and get the money.

We did not get the painting.
Gruber's dog got the painting.

lt could be in any number of places.

Especially if the doggie ate it.

Anyway, the matter is closed,
so far as we're concerned.

Which brings us
to the main reason for our visit.

- Girls.
- Ah, yes. The girls.

We have for you, Ren�,
12 litres of paraffin,

four kilos of sugar

and one kilo of butter.

Oh, thank you, Colonel.

That should cover the flying helmet
and the wet celery.

Whoo-hoo-ho.

What if we chuck in 500 cigarettes?

For 500 cigarettes, l would throw in
a fully-wound cuckoo clock.

That does not sound much fun.

You wait until it strikes 12.

- (Both) Done.
- l will arrange it.

- Ren�.
- What?

Are they going to give us
the money for M Alfonse?

No, not an 'ope.

- Then Yvette has a plan.
- Good. ln the back room.

Yvette, in the back room.

Maria, tell M Leclerc
to join us in the back room

- as soon as he has finished his solo.
- Right.

Yvette, sit down.

Now, tell Ren� of your plan.

M Leclerc, the forger,

has been secretly slipping away
to the cellar.

l have spied on 'im. He is forging money.

We could give to M Alfonse
forged money.

Edith, Leclerc is not a good forger.

But l know M Alfonse.
He will not even look at the money.

He will put it straight back
in his mattress.

- He is dead stingy.
- lt is deceitful and underhand.

lt is a good plan.

How do we persuade M Leclerc
to reveal to us

where he has hidden his secret hoard?

(Knocking) M Leclerc's here.

Leave this to me.

Ah, you wish to see me.

M Leclerc, l do not wish to spread panic

but the caf� is on fire.

Oh, well, l shall go and...

Fire! Fire! My God, my savings.

My life's savings.

Eh, h-huh, my money! Eh!

My money. My money.

Ah, Officer Crabtree.
Can l get you a Cognac?

No, l am not alood to drunk
when l am on dirty.

l am amazed that no one
has penetrated your disguise.

l have been licky

but l have had some narrow squawks.

l wish to spook with Ren�.

Kill him and get me a ciffee.

Ren�.

(lnaudible)

- Good moaning.
- Ah, Officer.

How kind of you
to patronise my humble caf�.

What are you doing here, you nit?
You'll get us all nicked.

Michelle has a massage for you.

Sat here and she will jin you at this toble.

Ah, l must be aboot my bossness.

A poloceman's lit is not a hippy win.

And he is supposed to be on our side.

Listen very carefully,
l shall say this only once.

Captain 'ook is waiting for Peter Pan
in Never-Never Land.

There would be very little point
in your saying that twice.

l've no idea what it means.

How will you ever help us
if you do not learn your code book?

lt means the plan of escape
for the British airmen

has been approved by London.

Good. What plan?

To escape in ze aeroplane
from ze museum.

Surely you are not going ahead
with that harebrained scheme?

lt hasn't even got an engine.

We have stolen from
General von Klinkerhoffen

ze engine of his motor mower.

Michelle, he will do his nut.

You are going to hide it for us.

Where is it?

Switch it off!

We will leave it 'ere.

No one will suspect.
lt is your mother-in-law's Bath chair.

(Horn)

More of ze cursed enemy approach.

Come, Lisette, we will melt away.

(Horn)

(Dog barking)

Good morning, Ren�.

l, erm, l was just out for a little spin

and l thought l would drop by.

Oh, good.

How pretty your tank is looking today.

l just gave it a polish.

Now, l have a little fancy
for something from ze bar.

Ah, Maria or Yvette?

- A Cognac.
- Of course.

Will you come this way?

Maria, a Cognac for Lieutenant Gruber.

Of course.

Good morning, Lieutenant Gruber.

Good morning.

Shoo! Shoo!

Now, Ren�...

l wish to speak to you man to man.

ls this good news or bad news?

- l have a problem.
- l can imagine.

l am in hot water with the Gestapo.

That can be very uncomfortable.

Herr Flick believes
that you know the whereabouts

of the sausage with the real painting
of the Fallen Madonna.

- With The Big...
- Correct.

He has given me the task

of trying to wring
this information out of you.

lf you do not cooperate,

l have been ordered...

l have been ordered to...

l cannot say it.

Go on, Lieutenant, say it.
What have you been ordered to do?

Drive my little tank
from where it is parked

into your garden at the back.

Well, what is so terrible about that?

ln a straight line.

- Through your caf�.
- l see.

Lieutenant, what l am about to say
to you is in the strictest confidence.

Just between you and me.

Ren�, l am your friend.

Yes, well, erm...

There is another sausage

containing the original painting,
the real one.

lt is bricked up in my cellar.

lt belongs to the Colonel
and the Captain.

Then all you have to do is unbrick it
and give it to me.

But that would drop me right in it.

The Colonel will have me shot.

l will take you to my quarters
and hide you.

Yes, that...that is a good plan
for starters.

Let us see if we can think of another one.

- l have it.
- l thought you might.

How about substituting another
forgery in another sausage?

But we have not got another forgery.

These days, it is hard enough
to get the sausage.

l think l could provide a copy,
if l could see the original.

Are you an artist?

Well, l have leanings, you know.

And not a little talent.

Before l was a window dresser,
l was employed in an art gallery.

Occasionally l was allowed
to touch up old masters.

Well, one has to start somewhere.

Let us go down to your cellar
and examine it.

No, no, l will retrieve the painting
and have it delivered.

Bring it yourself.

Come at the dead of night
to the side door.

Knock four times.

A little trap will open in the door.

Ask for V�ronique.

This is your code name?

No, it is a maid who works
at the chateau.

She will show you to my quarters.

Sorry.

(Sighs)

Why do you sigh, Maria?

lt is the life we lead, Yvette. lt is terrible.

Climbing those stairs
time after time to entertain men.

- lt is not right.
- Oh, l agree with you.

We should have a room
on the ground floor.

- Hello.
- Oh, Captain.

l have with me the goodies.

- The paraffin is outside.
- (Horn toots)

Oh, that is the Colonel.
He is in a bad mood.

We tossed to see who should bring
these to you and l won.

Now, who is to get
this little bottle of perfume?

- (Both) Oh, me, me, me.
- Ah, toot, toot, toot, toot.

Eeny, meeny, miny, mo,

catch a French girl by her toe.

lf she hollers, who's to know?
Out goes you.

- lt is yours.
- Thank you.

Oh, Maria. We will share.

We will both wear it tonight.

- (Horn toots)
- Coming, Colonel.

Now, how about a little cuddle
on account?

- Oh.
- Mm.

Eh-heh! Oh!

l hope you're not being nice to me
just because l'm a conquering hero?

Oh, what are you making?

The speciality of the day -
frog's leg soup.

Ooh. lt looks delicious.

Save a portion for me for tonight.

All those legs, they remind me
of the Folies Berg�re.

Tonight, we will remind you
of the Folies Berg�re.

- Woh-ho!
- (Horn toots)

- Coming, Colonel!
- Captain Geering?

Did you remember the battery
for my cycle lamp?

- Oh, yes, yes. l have it here.
- Oh!

- There we are.
- You beautiful man. (Screeches)

Oh, don't tickle.
No, no, no, you mustn't tickle.

- You sent for me, Herr Flick?
- Yes, Helga.

You are three minutes late.

My duties with the Colonel end at 5:30.

l have to tidy the office
and then have a schnapps with him.

l hope that you did not enjoy it.

Not at all.

Good. You may kiss me.

Stop!

Also, you had a cheese biscuit.

The Colonel always insists
that with my drink,

l also have a little nibble.

Now pay attention.

l will shortly be inviting you
to the Gestapo club.

- Are you pleased?
- Of course.

To be in the club
with the Gestapo will be a great honour.

l know.

You will be my partner
at the annual Gestapo dance in Berlin.

First, there is a banquet with
the traditional boar's head,

baron of beef, frankfurters, strudel,
sauerkraut and oodles of beer.

And the place will be full of big noises,
including Goering and Himmler.

l can't wait.

At midnight, you will be expected to
dance the traditional Gestapo dance.

- How does it go, Herr Flick?
- l will demonstrate.

( Deutschland �ber Alles
changes to Hokey Cokey)

You put your left boot in
You take your left boot out

You do a lot of shouting
And you shake your fists about

You light a little smokey
And you burn down ze town

Zat's what it's all about

Heil
Ah, Himmler, Himmler, Himmler...

- (Phone)
- Switch that off.

(Scratch)

Yes, Gruber.

Yes. Carry on, Gruber.

Gruber has a good lead
and hopes to track down the painting.

This is good news.

What do you want, von Smallhausen?

l have to report
a serious case of sabotage

to the lawn mower
of General von Klinkerhoffen.

Ze engine has disappeared.

This is very mysterious.

Who would require the engine
of a lawn mower?

Possibly, Herr Flick,
someone who possesses a lawn mower

without an engine.

You will not be a smartarse with me,
von Smallhausen.

What shall we do about
General von Klinkerhoffen's lawn?

lt will be untidy.

Get some peasants to eat the grass.

Of course, Herr Flick. At once.

Now, you are quite clear
what you must do?

Yes, Rrren�, l go to the side door
of the chateau,

l rrrap four times on the door,
a trap will open

and l request to be taken
into the presence of V�ronique.

No. V�ronique will take you
to Lieutenant Gruber.

- Then what do you do?
- Give him the sausage.

- Good. Where is it?
- Here.

Good, nobody will suspect. Go now.

- Rrren�.
- What?

- Embrrrace me.
- Of course.

(Both) Mm.

- Hold me tighter.
- No, no, l must not.

l might crush your knockwurst.

Off you go.

Rrren�, after we are married,

we will look back on all this and laugh,
will we not?

Oh, Maria, we will have hysterics.
Now be off with you.

- Ren�.
- Hm?

Your wife wishes to see you
in the back room. She is alone.

Ren�, are you going to tell her
zat you are going to marry me?

Yvette, not at a time like this.
We are just about to open.

But Ren�, she keeps giving me
funny looks.

Perhaps she suspects
there is something up between us.

- Yvette.
- Where is...

What are you doing?

The poor child, have you not heard?

- Her grandmother has died.
- (Sobbing)

She died three years ago.

The shock has just hit her.

Take ten minutes off, dear girl.
Compose yourself.

- Light a candle.
- Thank you, Ren�.

- Yes.
- Oh, Ren�, always so compassionate.

l thought you were waiting for me.

l was. l was looking
at the photograph of our wedding

and it brought it all back to me.

You were tall and handsome.
l was young and beautiful.

Yes, it is amazing what
those photographers can do.

Ren�, we should have
a wedding without delay.

The village expect one.

The Germans expect one.

You are not expecting one, are you?

Madame,

M Alfonse, the undertaker,
is coming down the road

in his horse-drawn hearse.

(Hooves clattering, muffled shouts)

He is having trouble
with his brakes again.

He will be coming for his money.

Attend to him at once.

Ren�, you will get my money
back from him

and give it to me, like you promised?

Of course. My wife will go into his rooms

and do what is necessary
with the mattress.

(Laughs suggestively)

Long live France.

lndeed. As you say, M Leclerc,
long live France.

Ah, what a tale we shall have
to tell our children.

Children? Oh, Madame Edith.

She has not got one of these
in there, has she?

Shut up.

You are combing your hair
very nicely, Hans.

Thank you, Colonel.
l see you have polished your head.

We have to look our best for the girls.

Ooh, Colonel... (Chuckles)

l know what they are going to do
with the cuckoo clock.

- What?
- Charge for an extra bird.

Ah, good evening, Colonel.
Good evening, Captain.

- Hello.
- How handsome you both look.

(Hooves clattering)

l must welcome M Alfonse.

(Muffled shouting)

Maybe next time round
the horses will grow tired.

Meanwhile, l will take this opportunity
to sing for you a song entitled

l Looked Everywhere For Love
And Found lt...

- Under The Table.
- ..ln My Heart.

M Leclerc, the introduction,
if you please.

- Cheese, Hans.
- Yes.

- ( Piano intro)
- (Crashing outside)

(Man shouting)

M Alfonse!

l hope you will excuse
the delay, Madame.

lt is my new horse,
he is not used to the hearse.

- l was about to sing a song.
- Oh, well l am just in time.

Sit down, please.

Oh, you look enchanting, Madame.

The glint in your hair,
the dancing lights in your eyes,

the inviting gloss on your sensuous lips,
your heady perfume.

Where is the money?

Ren�. The little parcel for M Alfonse.

Ah, yes, yes. Here it is.

Here we are, monsieur.
The small amount of money

that you left with me for safekeeping.

Merci, monsieur, thank you.

You'll want to take it home straightaway

and put it in a secret hiding place
known only to you and me.

Of course. But first,
l wish to say how relieved l am

at having recovered my nest egg.

lt puts me in a generous
and expensive mood.

l would like to invite you all,
each one of you,

to take wine, champagne, Cognac,
anything you desire.

Monsieur Alfonse, undertaker,
swiftly and with style,

will pay ze bill.

- With that money?
- Of course.

Monsieur, you are far too generous.

You must not spend all this money.

Not in here, anyway.

Come along, Ren�,
don't be a wet blanket.

lf he wants to buy us all free drinks,
let's have a party!

- Free drinks!
- You don't under...

No, no, please, please...

Do not go mad.
Small measures, small measures.

For Madame Fanny, the beautiful
mother of Madame Edith,

5,000 francs
to buy a new bonnet.

- Oh.
- A new bonnet for Mama?

- No, monsieur is too generous.
- No, no, Roger!

Quickly to the milliners
before they close.

- Monsieur Ren�.
- What?

This is for your front door
which l slightly damaged

by being thrown through it by my horse.

And this is for your chickens
which l ran over with my hearse.

Thank you, monsieur.

The ringing of your till
must be music to your ears.

Music, yes.

l could strangle the composer.

- Ren�.
- What?

lf my mother spends
that forged note in the hat shop,

our cover will be blown.

Well, then, stop her. Where is she?

M Leclerc's taking her there
in the wheelchair.

The wheelchair?

Oh, no, not the wheelchair!

What is it? Have you got the brake on?

- No, Fanny.
- Well, push harder.

The shop will close soon.

M-Monsieur Leclerc, come back here! C...

Fanny, my love,
what shall l do, what shall l do?

Turn right at the traffic lights,

take the second on the left.

Oh-oh-oh!