All language subtitles for 03 - The Sausage In The Wardrobe

Ooar!

Ooh!

Are you by any chance curious to know
why l am looking through this keyhole?

ln that room is Mme L�nard,
of the Brides Parisienne Boutique,

which is a very grand name
for one room above the ironmonger.

My wife Edith is still determined
to marry me,

so Madame L�nard is showing her
lingerie for our wedding night.

l was looking through the keyhole
because Mme L�nard herself

is modelling a transparent nightgown.

And she is very well arranged.

The day of the wedding
has not yet been fixed,

so l am a free man,
unless l'm arrested by the Colonel

for stealing the sausage
containing the priceless painting,

the title of which you know full well
but l will just remind myself of it.

Oh, my God.
Van Clomp would have run out of paint.

The priceless painting itself
is on its way to the chateau with Maria

for Lieutenant Gruber to copy it,
because he has artistic leanings.

Lieutenant Gruber is a very long way
from the perpendicular.

Ren�! l have been selecting for our
wedding night some lovely surprises.

Mme L�nard has some beautiful things
under the counter.

She had some pretty good things
above the counter as well.

Ooh, Ren�. Something terrible
has happened! l followed Maria.

She has been arrested by the personal
guard of General von Klinkerhoffen!

Oh, my God! What will happen to her?

She has nothing to be afraid of.
She is just a slip of a girl.

Not such a slip!
Concealed among her bosom

is the knockwurst
belonging to the Colonel,

containing the real painting.

lf they torture her,
she may reveal all our secrets!

My God! My hat! My coat!

Oh, my brave Ren�!
He is going to rescue her!

Are you mad? l am going to stay
with my cousin in Bordeaux.

He has a loft.
l can 'ide in it until the end of the war.

Stay where you are, you coward!
How dare you think of leaving!

ls this how you want to be remembered?

l do not wish to be remembered at all.

- Tell them you've never heard of me.
- Stay where you are!

Until you come to your senses.

Ren�! What's going on?

Er...my wife was just proposing to me.

- Cognac.
- Cognac.

Ren�. Here.

We have had news from Helga that
Herr Flick is looking for his sausage.

- Gruber has been sent to get it.
- You did not tell him where it was?

He threatened to take away my livelihood
by driving a tank through my caf�!

Drive a tank through your caf�?
The German swine!

- But you held out.
- He said he'd shoot my wife.

- That was when l cracked.
- Oh, Ren�!

- So you gave it to him?
- Not exactly.

l sent it to Gruber
so he could copy it and give it to you.

The copy will go to Herr Flick
and then we are all in the clear.

Gruber will want some of the action.

There is one snag, Colonel.
The sausage was sent with Maria,

who has been captured
by General von Klinkerhoffen.

She had the sausage
strapped across her bosom.

Any minute now,
he may get his hands on it!

lf Maria cracks under the interrogation,
the General will arrest Ren�.

And if he cracks,
he'll say you gave him the painting

and you will be on the carpet.

- Dead.
- You're right.

We'll shoot Ren� now and stop the rot.

Thank you, Edith.

lf you shoot Ren�,
then also you will have to shoot me.

Could you shoot her first?
She's causing trouble.

(Knock on door)

Enter.

Ze French girl is outside.
Are you ready to interview her?

Yes. Does she give any explanation
for her presence?

She said she came to see
Lieutenant Gruber, your ADC.

- Bring her in and send for Gruber.
- Yes, General.

ln here.

You may go.

You are trembling.

Do not be afraid of me.
l am not a monster.

- What is your name?
- Marrria Rrrecamier.

You were found snooping around
my headquarters. Why?

l had a rrrendezvous
with Lieutenant Grrruber.

A most unlikely story.

But we should be able to verify this.
l have sent for him.

You have very small feet.

Yes, General.

Hardly big enough
to support the rest of you.

Take off your coat and your hat.

l am cold. l would rather remain as l am.

Do not defy me, girl!

- l am reluctant.
- Get them off, do you hear me?

Gruber!

- l could come back later.
- Come in and shut the door.

This girl tells me
that she came to see you.

- Did you order a girl?
- No, l don't think so.

Do not be afraid to own up.
lt is wartime and we are the conquerors.

- We all have our needs.
- He ordered this!

l see. There really is nothing
straightforward about you.

No, you misunderstand, General.

No, it was necessary for her
to conceal the knockwurst in this way

in case the hungry French peasants
fell upon her and devoured it.

You were, of course,
going to present it to me,

hoping to ingratiate yourself with me.

You have got it in one.

Give it to me, girl.

- Shall l hang it for you?
- No, you will not.

My, my. lt is a whopper!

Ah, it has a little swastika.
What a thoughtful touch.

What are you going to do with it?

The kitchen staff eat everything.

l shall hang it in my wardrobe to mature.

You may go, Gruber.

- What about the girl?
- Do you have a use for her?

Nothing l can think of, no.

Hm. lt occurs to me
that some French peasants

have stolen ze motor of my mower.

Let it be known when the motor
is returned, l will release the girl.

Go into the bedroom.

You may lie down there.

No, not on the bed! On the mat!

Long live France!

Do not push your luck.

Edith! Yvette! Ma...

Oh... Anyone!

How much longer must l wait here?

l am here, Mama. l am here.

l have been selecting lovely things
for my wedding night.

Oh! For your wedding to M Alfonse.

No, Mama. l'm going to marry Ren�.

Ren�? No, no, no. No, Edith.
No, no. Come here. Come here.

Sit down.

Now, do not do this thing.

He is a no-good bum.

But Mama, l love him.
And he is hiding we know not where.

Herr Flick of the Gestapo
is looking for him.

Gestapo! Pah!

(Buzzer)

lt's the knobs! lt's the knobs!
The flashing knobs!

(Screams)

What is this old bat doing in my bed?

This old bat is hiding from the Gestapo!

Gestapo! Pah!

Ren�! lt's the wireless.

Tell them Nighthawk has migrated.

You have the liver of a lily.
l will get the British airmen to help.

(Both) Hello!

- The wireless!
- Ooh! lt's going!

- Grab the other end, Carstairs.
- Roger!

''Allo, Nighthawk. 'Allo, Nighthawk.

'Are the airmen with you? Over.'

Yes, they are both here beside me. Over.

'l have here their commanding officer.

'Put them on the line. Over.'

- Here.
- Hell!

Hello! Fairfax here.

'Hello, Fairfax.
Wing Commander Hargreaves here.'

lt's Randy Hargreaves! Hello, sir!

- Hello!
- 'Hello.

'ls there any chance of you getting back?
We're getting a bit short of pilots.'

The Resistance are planning to find
an old crate from the museum.

They're going to put
a motor-mower engine in it.

'A motor-mower engine? ls it reliable?'

lt drove a Bath chair
to the hat shop yesterday.

- 'How far?'
- A couple of hundred yards.

'We won't count on you, then.
Good luck. Over and out.'

Oh!

Edith, the police are here.

The police?! Police! Police! Back in there.

No, Edith. lt is not the real police.

lt is that English idiot
who thinks he can speak French.

Good moaning.

l have come to arrost your mither.

Arrest her mother?
Why? What has she done?

She has been pissing
fudged banknotes in the hit shop.

What does Crabtree say, Yvette?

l think he means she has been passing
forged banknotes in the hat shop.

- Precoseley.
- Edith.

Remind him he is
supposed to be on our side.

Who is the ugly old bog
in the bed beside your mither?

l have been asking the same question.

lt is l, Ren�!

My Gid, that was a god disgueese.

l was completely deceived by the wog.

Edith, give him 500 francs from the till

and tell him to pass off.

There is no need to be rode.

Ah, yes.

This was taken last year
at the Gestapo holiday camp.

See, they all wear
black leather bathing shorts.

Some of them fit very well.

Here we are doing the leapfrog.

Oh dear. How amusing.

We have all fallen over
into a great big heap.

Now we are struggling
to untangle ourselves.

Now we are jumping
in the icy waters of the lake.

lt's just as well.

Here we are doing the exercises.

Why are some of you wearing skirts?

The ones wearing skirts are girls.

l didn't know you had girls
in the Gestapo!

Who do you think types
the threatening letters?

- (Phone)
- Why is my phone ringing? Answer it!

Why is this phone ringing?
Why do you not read instructions?

Herr Flick has his calls held
till five o'clock.

You thought it said what?

lt most certainly did not.

Someone has written it down incorrectly.

He thought it said four o'clock.

- lt's very urgent.
- Flick.

Yes, von Smallhausen.

l see. You have done vell.
l vill deal with the matter.

Von Smallhausen has discovered
that the sausage containing the painting

is hanging in the wardrobe
of General von Klinkerhoffen.

Oh dear. What do we do?

What if he has it for breakfast?

We must substitute a real knockwurst

for the knockwurst
containing the painting.

But how do we gain access
to the General's quarters

without arousing suspicion?

There are in the chateau
many secret passages.

lf the attention of the General is diverted
by a woman of the opposite sex

in whom he has already expressed
an interest,

l would have time to affect the switch.

And where would we find
such a woman?

The General has already indicated to me

that he considers you
a great piece of crackling.

Do you think l could pull it off?

You have read my thoughts.

You will enter his quarters,
you will take the gramophone.

You will wind it up
and do a teasing dance,

pulling off various outer garments.

This will distract his attention
for two and a half minutes.

Will it work?

lt always worked with me.

(Tunelessly)
lt's a long, long way to Tipperary

But my heart's right there

Colonel, a little bit of cheese
has dropped inside my ear hole.

- What shall l do?
- Try banging your head on the table.

The dear Captain.
How he loves my singing.

(Singing in ltalian)

Oh, 'eck.

Psst!

lt is l, Leclerc.

Man of a thousand faces...

every one the same.

l am an old ltaliano organ-a grinder...

Keep your voice down!
You're embarrassing the monkey.

l have-a da bad-a news.
Maria is-a de hostage.

They will not give her back
till we return-a the motor.

- We must rescue her.
- And the sausage!

The knockwurst
that was round her knockers

is in the wardrobe of the General.

Could we not train the monkey
to go in and steal the sausage?

(Chuckles)

He's been on the organ-a ten years,
he can't even turn-a the handle.

Go about your business.
Keep your ear to the ground.

(Sings in ltalian)

Ren�, Michelle wishes to see you
in the back room.

Ah. Look after the bar.

- Where is she?
- l am here.

Oh.

Listen very carefully.
l shall say this only once.

Good. This position is killing me.

Tonight there is no moon.
Here are the details of ze plan

to enable you to steal
the aeroplane from the museum.

- What?!
- We cannot!

Maria is in the hands of
General von Klinkerhoffen!

General von Klinkerhoffen?
That ruthless fiend?

He wants his motor returned
in exchange for her freedom.

But without the motor,
the plane cannot fly.

So we are up the creek without a paddle.

- Ren� and l will rescue her.
- You speak for yourself!

- l have a plan!
- Oh...

l know all the secret passages
at the chateau.

l worked as a serving maid there
when l was a girl.

That was so long ago
they could all have collapsed by now.

This is very serious news,
Lieutenant Gruber.

Very serious.

Hans, you have been to staff college.

How do you get a sausage
out of a wardrobe...

in a general's dressing room?

Hmm, l think l must have been
away that day.

Colonel, the marquis
who constructed the chateau

built into it many secret passages
in which runaway priests used to hide.

- Who was chasing them?
- Mostly the marquis.

l read about it in the chateau library.

There is also a map.

One such passage leads
to the General's dressing room.

Ah. Now we are getting there.

You, Hans, can creep down this passage
and grab the sausage.

- But he will see it has gone.
- Good point.

Yes, l thought so, too.
l have a very clear, analytical mind.

lt's still there.

You will put another sausage in its place!

But what if the General
comes out of his bedroom?

l have it. Lieutenant Gruber
can occupy the General's attention.

l do not quite see how l could do this.

You'll find it easy. You have
an engaging, sparkling personality,

a roguish smile.

What German general
could resist you at 1am

with a bottle of whisky in your pyjamas?

l learned that at the staff college.

- Very well. l will do it.
- Good!

So, while l am leading Ren�
through the secret passages

to switch the sausages
in the dressing room,

you, Yvette, will enter the chateau
disguised as a serving maid.

You will go to the General's bedroom
with an hot-water bottle.

Give Maria this note,
telling her of a secret entrance

inside the wardrobe in the bedroom.

Then distract him for two minutes.

She can escape
and Ren� can get the sausage.

A more harebrained scheme
l have never in my life heard.

But how do l distract the General?

Shall l take the flying helmet
and the wet celery?

No! You are a serving maid.

Make do with a feather duster.

(Owl hooting)

Are you listening? l wish a snack.

Send up some smoked salmon,
caviar, cold chicken,

strudel and a bottle
of champagne on ice.

ls that clear? Let it be done.

General. Please, may l return
to my home now?

Certainly not. You're my hostage.
You will remain here.

But l am a civilised person.

l will allow you to share in my snack.

l will not eat with an enemy of France!

The night is young.
We shall see. Get back on the mat.

You must stay close.
These passages are very complicated.

For the sake of heaven, Edith, l... Edith?

Ren�? Ren�, where are you?

(Knocking)

lf you do not stay close behind me,
you will get lost.

- Where are we now?
- This is the Great Hall.

When l was a serving girl
l used to polish it.

We are supposed to be in the bedroom!

lt is a short cut.

Who ever heard of a short cut
in a secret passage?

Somebody's coming!

(Footsteps)

They have gone.

We are going to get caught.
We are going to get caught!

Pansy!

Listen. At the end of the stairs is
the entrance to a secret passage

which leads to
the General's dressing room.

Follow me.

- (Heavy footsteps)
- Shh!

Mind my polish!

Hans, where are we?

- ln the cellars.
- l know that!

Whereabouts in the cellars?
Look at Gruber's plan of the chateau.

lt um... lt all depends
on whether that is the north

or that is the north.

- Have you got a compass?
- Yes, on my Swiss Army knife.

Hang on. Here we are.

That is the north.

ln that case,
we are going the wrong way.

Quick! There's somebody coming.

Who are you? What are you doing?

Hans, you fool! What are you doing?

You're knocking out our own people!

lt was a good shot, wasn't it?

- What are you looking for?
- There was concealed here a knob.

Hurry up. Yvette will be
doing her piece in three minutes.

Shh!

Someone approaches! Quickly! Hide!

Leave me alone! Go somewhere else!

Edith, you did not tell me
this place was haunted!

A suit of armour with a limp
has just walked past.

Look out! Someone else is coming!

(Creaking)

- Who is there?
- Your refreshments.

A moment! Come here.

A German general should not be seen
with a French peasant girl.

Get in the cupboard and stay there.

Enter.

l'm afraid there was no caviar,
Herr General.

l'm sorry. lnstead
l have obtained some cod's roe.

Hm. Unfortunately l can
tell the difference.

Oh, well. So be it.

- Shall l bring it in?
- Of course.

The coast is clear. Come out.

Will you join me
in a glass of champagne?

Only if you promise to release me.

We will discuss this after dinner.

- Who is there?
- lt is the maid!

A moment! Quick, back in the cupboard!

What kind of relationship can we have

if you throw me in the cupboard
every time we're interrupted?

When the maid is gone, we will be alone.

Enter!

- l've come to warm your bed.
- That is not necessary.

My bed will be warmed
by more interesting methods.

- You may turn it down.
- Yes, Herr General.

Ren�! What are you doing
under the bed?

What are you doing in the commode?

l have come up the wrong passage.

- How do we get in?
- l am looking for the knob!

Ow!

How is it l have not seen you before?

Normally,
l am peeling potatoes in the kitchen.

But l can also peel other things.

How dare you assume that l would
compromise myself with you?

- (Knocking)
- Who is there?

- (Yelling) lt is l, Helga!
- What do you want?

l have for you a present from Herr Flick.

- A moment!
- l will hide in the wardrobe.

No, no! lt's full! Under the bed!

Do not ask.

Enter.

The present.

Am l to understand
that Herr Flick has sent me at 1am

a present of a gramophone?

Not only this, General. He has sent me.

( Sultry jazz)

Ha! The wardrobe!

- What's going on?
- Helga is doing a striptease.

We haven't got time for that... Helga?!

Oh, Colonel. l'm all steamed up.

- Get the sausage.
- Oh, the sausage!

- We've got to go. Come on.
- Oh, Colonel!

My God, if he finds me
under here, l am a dead duck!

Rrren�! My brave Ren�!

Press your lips to my lips
so we can die in one grand embrace!

Ren�! What are you doing
in the wardrobe with Maria?!

You stupid woman!

What do you think l am doing in here?

She has fainted with cold fear.

l am reviving her
with the 'eat from my body.

Just you wait till l get you 'ome.

Someday l'll find you

Leap up behind you...

(Gramophone slowing down)

Oh, dear. ls there anything l can do?

Yes, wind the gramophone.

And if you don't fancy that one,
there's a spare in the wardrobe!