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were the color
of muddy puddles;

her birthmark,
the color of poo.

It was Saturday afternoon,
and she was bored.

Mary wished she had a friend
to play piggybacks with.

Mary's mood ring,

which she'd found
in a cereal box, was gray,

which, according to the chart,

meant she was either pensive,

unconsciously ambitious,
or hungry.

Her only friends
were the Noblets

from her favorite cartoon.

They weren't the real ones
you bought in the shops

but fake ones that she had
to make herself

from shells,
gumnuts, pompoms,

and the chicken bones salvaged
from Friday night's takeaway.

She had to make
all her own toys,

and her favorites
were shrinkies,

potato chip packets that
she had shrunk in the oven.

Mary's father,
Noel Norman Dinkle,

worked in a factory attaching
the strings to tea bags.

At show-and-tell,
she told the class

he could get as many
free tea bags as he wanted.

Her favorite tea bag
was Earl Grey.

She loved saying, "Earl Grey,"

and would like one day to marry
someone called Earl Grey.

They would live in a castle
in Scotland,

have nine babies,
two ducks,

and a dog called Kevin.

Noel's hobby was to sit
in his shed

and drink
Bailey's Irish Cream

and stuff birds he'd found
on the side of the freeway.

Mary wished he'd spend
more time with her

and less
with his dead friends.

She also wished she had
some brothers and sisters.

Her mother had told her
she was an accident

How could someone be
an accident?

Grand-Poppy Ralph had told her
that babies were deliberate,

and found by dads
at the bottom of their beer

Grand-Poppy Ralph had smelt
like pickled onions

and had been a member

of the Frankston Ice Breakers
for 51 years.

They swam in winter
to feel alive.

Grand-Poppy Ralph had said
it made his nipples erect

He had died the year before,
aged 74,

and his best mate, Ken,

had recited a poem
in his honor

- "Born in a barn
in the hills of Boronia,

Ralph lived a long life,
then died of pneumonia."

Mary missed him
and often wondered

why he had drunk ammonia.

A lot of things puzzled Mary,

especially her mother,
Vera Lorraine Dinkle.

To Mary,
Vera always seemed wobbly.

- A pretty vicious pull,
that one.

And he's out!

Vera liked listening
to the cricket while baking,

and her main ingredient
was always sherry.

She told Mary
it was a type of tea

for grown-ups
that needed constant testing.

slam!

Mary thought
her mother tested the sherry...

way too much.

Mary also
couldn't understand

why Vera was always borrowing.

Yesterday, she borrowed some
fish fingers from aisle six.

She told Mary she put things
up her dress

to save on plastic bags.

Vera was indeed
a complicated soul.

- Ooh!

Mary stopped daydreaming

and went and fetched
her pet rooster from the rain.

Her father had found
the rooster

on the side of the freeway

after it had fallen off
the back of a slaughter truck.

She named him Ethel.

It was time to watch
The Noblets.

She adored The Noblets,

because everyone was brown,
lived in a teapot,

and had oodles of friends.

There was nothing nicer,
Mary thought to herself,

than the smell
of a wet rooster,

the sound
of rain on the roof,

and the taste
of sweetened condensed milk

straight from the can

while watching
your favorite cartoon.

Ah.

Meanwhile,
a man called Max Horowitz

also watched The Noblets.

Max's small television
had picture but no sound;

his big television, sound
but no picture.

He was 44 and liked the Noblets
because they lived

in a delineated and articulated
social structure

with constant
adherent conformity,

and also because they had
oodles of friends.

Max had trouble sleeping

and had spent the night
watching television

and catching fish food.

He noted to himself
it was the sixth fly

he'd caught this evening.

He wondered if he should go
to bed and count sheep

or have one more
chocolate hot dog.

He thought he'd try both.

But it didn't work.

It had been 6 hours
and 12 minutes

since Henry the Eighth
had passed away.

And Henry's death had thrown
Max's life into disarray.

It had become asymmetrical,

and the sooner
he got a new fish, the better

Tomorrow he would go
to the pet store

Henry the Ninth.

- Next.

It was shopping day,

and Mary sat patiently
while her mother...

borrowed some envelopes.

To fill in time,
she scanned the room

and counted how many things
were brown.

There was sticky tape,
rubber bands,

and a phone book
with a picture of a lady

standing in a brown lake
with her hand on fire.

"People had weird names
in America,"

Mary Daisy Dinkle
thought to herself,

funny-sounding people called
Rockefeller and Finkelstein.

She wondered
what they looked like,

how old they were,
and if they were married,

wore glasses, or had found
babies in their beer

Maybe in America,
people found babies elsewhere.

- Hmm.

They drank
a lot of cola.

Maybe they found them
in cans.

But no, they wouldn't fit
through the hole.

ding!

Mary had an idea.

She would write
to one of the Americans

and ask
where babies came from.

She chose a Mr. M. Horowitz.

- Mrs. Dinkle!

Come back here!

Vera Dinkle!

You come back here!

- "Dear Mr. M. Horowitz,

"my name is Mary Daisy Dinkle,

"and I am eight years old,
three months, and nine days.

"My favorite color is brown,

"and my favorite food
is sweetened condensed milk,

"followed closely by chocolate.

"I have a rooster called Ethel
that looks like this.

He doesn't lay eggs
but will one day."

pop!

"My mother likes smoking,
cricket, and sherry,

"and my father likes playing
in his shed with dead birds.

"Where do babies come from
in America?

"Do they come from cola cans?

"In Australia, they are found
in beer glasses.

"Here is a drawing of me.

"I can't draw ears proper
but am good at teeth.

"It would be great
if you could write back

"and be my friend.

"Yours sin-cereal-y,

"Mary Daisy Dinkle.

"P.S., I hope you like

"the chocolate bar
I'm also sending.

It's called a Cherry Ripe."

- Mm-mm-mm.

Good-bye, letter!

Don't forget to write.

Max hated Thursdays,

the day of his weekly
Overeaters Anonymous meeting,

and tonight he'd felt
especially unsettled,

because he'd eaten
two chocolate hot dogs

on his way there.

- Okay, class.

Eating chocolate
was breaking the rules.

He'd found the night
even more unbearable

because of Marjorie
Butterworth's strange glances.

- Class dismissed.

Max had trouble understanding

nonverbal signals.

Flirting was as foreign
to him as jogging.

Max found most people
very confusing,

but little did Max realize

his night was about to become

even more confusing
and cryptic.

- Hmm.

He read
Mary's letter four times...

and then did
what he normally did

whenever confronted with
something new and stressful.

Max's fragile existence

had once again become
unsettled.

And after staring
out of the window for 18 hours,

he finally he made a decision.

ding!

ding!

ding!

ding!

Ah!

"Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,

"thank you for the letter,

"which I opened and read
at 9:17 p.m.,

"after my
Overeaters Anonymous class.

"I am trying to lose weight,

"because my psychiatrist,
Dr. Bernard Hazelhof,

says a healthy body
equals a healthy mind."

Ooh.

"He says my mind
is not that healthy.

"Your drawing is an interesting
visual portrayal of yourself.

"I have never met anyone
from Australia.

"Firstly, I will answer
your question.

"Unfortunately,
in America,

"babies are not found
in cola cans.

"I asked my mother
when I was four,

"and she said they came
from eggs laid by rabbis.

"If you aren't Jewish,

"they're laid by Catholic nuns.

"If you're an atheist,

"they're laid by
dirty, lonely prostitutes.

"So this is where babies
come from in America.

"I share my home with a fish,

"some snails, whom I have named
after famous scientists...

"a parakeet
called Mr. Biscuit,

"and finally,
a cat called Hal.

"Hal is an abbreviation
for halitosis,

"from which he suffers.

"He followed me home
after a gang of children

shot his eye out
with a BB gun."

- "Do you have a pet kangaroo?

"When I was born,

"my father left my mother and me
on a kibbutz.

"She shot herself with
my uncle's gun when I was six.

"Do you like
chocolate hot dogs?

"I invented the recipe for them
and can send it to you.

"When I was young,

"I invented an invisible friend
called Mr. Ravioli.

"My psychiatrist says
I don't need him anymore,

"so he just sits in the corner
and reads.

"Last week, I picked up
128 cigarette butts.

"People are always littering
in New York.

"I do not understand
why people break laws.

"Butts are bad
because they wash out to sea,

"and fish smoke them
and become nicotine-dependent.

"I am just joking,
because, of course,

"it is impossible
for a cigarette

"to remain lit underwater.

"Also, fish do not have pockets
to keep cigarette lighters in.

"I am 44 years old
and have eight tracksuits

"the same color and size.

I weigh 352 pounds..."

Ooh!

"and am as tall
as a six-foot tree."

- Welcome
to the New York Lottery.

- "I enjoy entering the lottery

"and have chosen
the same numbers for nine years.

Those numbers are 3..."

- 1...

- "5..."
- 4...

- "6..."
- 25...

- "9..."
- 2...

- "11..."
- 7.

- "And 12."
- 8.

- Are you a winner or a loser?

- "I have had many different
jobs during my life.

"My first job was collecting
subway tokens in the subway.

"My second job was

"at Yiddel's Gourmet
Kosher Supplies,

"where I worked at the machine

"that made prepackaged
noodle kugels.

"I was born Jewish
and used to believe in God

"but have since read many books

"that have proven God is just
a figment of my imagination.

"People like to believe in God

"because it answers
complicated questions

"like, 'Where did the universe
come from?'

"'Do worms go to heaven?'

"'And why do old ladies
have blue hair?'

"Even though I'm an atheist,
I still wear my yarmulke,

"as it keeps my brain warm.

"My third job was
for a company

"that printed logos
on novelty items.

"I worked at
the Frisbee printing machine.

"A Frisbee is
a circular plastic disk

"that people throw
at each other.

"It is like a boomerang,
but it does not come back.

"My fourth job was when I was
called up for jury duty.

"I didn't get paid much

"but got free cookies
and coffee.

"Jurors are outstanding members
of the community

"who haven't murdered anybody.

"I made it to the short list
for a trial

"where a man killed
all his friends

"at his own surprise
birthday party.

"Unfortunately,
I didn't get selected

"because they found out I'd been
a mental patient at one point.

"Have you ever been
hang gliding?

"My fifth job was
as a garbage collector.

"I got to clean up
after litterbugs

"and didn't have
to talk to anybody.

Sometimes I used to pretend
I was an intergalactical robot."

- This is 9-1-1.

Your call has been placed
in a queue.

- "One time, the police
took me in for questioning

"but let me go
when they decided

"I wasn't a threat to anybody
except myself.

"The sixth job I had was
for the United States Army

"in the stationery supply
department.

"Because I am good
with numbers,

"I had to work out how many
ballpoint pens the Army needed.

"One day they did
a security check

"and asked whether I was
a member of any radical groups.

"I told them I was a member

"of the New York
Science Fiction Fan Club.

"They said this didn't count
but dismissed me anyway.

"Fortunately,
I did not remember to tell them

"I was once a Communist.

"Have you ever been
a Communist?

"Have you ever been attacked
by a crow

"or similar large bird?

"When I was nine,

"a crow attacked me
on my way to school.

"I had to have three stitches,

"and in spring,
I now wear a helmet

"with eyes I have painted on.

"People laugh at me
when I wear my helmet,

"but I'm not sure why.

"People often confuse me,

"but I try not to let them
worry me.

"New York is a very busy
and noisy place.

"I would prefer to live
somewhere much quieter,

"like the moon.

"I don't like crowds,

"bright lights, sudden noises,
or strong smells.

"New York has all these,
especially the smells.

"I often wear nose and earplugs
when I go outside.

"It helps keep me calm.

"I find humans interesting,

"but I have trouble
understanding them.

"I think, however,
I will understand and trust you.

"You appear very happy,

"and I think you would smell
like a shrimp,

"as I know Australia
has a lot of shrimps.

"Can you speed-read?

"I have taught myself to read
two pages at once:

"one eyeball per page.

"I have to go now,

"even though
I have not told you

"about my seventh job
in a condom factory.

"Write back soon.

"Your American friend,

"Max Jerry Horowitz.

"P.S., please find enclosed

"a photo
from one of those booths.

"P.P.S., thank you
for the Cherry Ripe,

"and I am glad you like
chocolate as much as I do.

"I have never eaten
sweetened condensed milk,

"but I will try some this week.

P.P.P.S., I have never
used a condom."

Max hoped Mary
would write again.

He'd always wanted a friend,

a friend that wasn't invisible,
a pet, or rubber figurine.

He counted the stars

and wondered how many days,
hours, minutes

it would take his letter
to reach Australia.

Vera was not impressed...

Not impressed at all.

There was no way this nutcase
was going to be

her daughter's pen-friend,
she thought to herself

There was enough ugliness
in the world.

Mary would be home from school
in an hour,

enough time for another cup
of tea and a bit of cricket

to soothe the nerves
and dissolve the memory

of Max's letter
from her pickled mind.

- And he's out

found the lead for 14,
England, 7...

- Stop!

Wait!

Hey, fellas, you got room
for one more bag?

- Sure, Mrs. Dinkle.

Hop in!

- Good one, Kevin.

- Oh.

- Come on, Vera,

we've got some other bags
to pick up.

- Hmm.

Hmm.

- Mmph!

Mary, is that all
your rubbish?

- Yep!

- See ya, toots!

- Sweet baby Jesus.

Even though
Max's letter

smelted like fish heads
and orange peel,

Mary drank his words
like a bowl of alphabet soup

and hadn't been this excited
since Grand-Poppy Ralph

had found a coin up her nose.

She wrote back immediately
on some butcher's paper

she'd stolen from some chops.

- "Dear Max, I am so excited
you've wroted back.

"I don't think
my parents like you,

"so from now on,

"send stuff to my neighbor,
Len Hislop,

"at 26 Lamington Drive,
Mount Waverley.

"He's old with no legs.

"They got cheweded off
in World War II

when some Japanese peoples kept
him in a cage above piranhas."

- "Piranhas are goldfish
that have teeth.

"He's scared of outside,

which is a disease
called homophobia."

"He's started giving me 500
a week to get his mail.

"I'm saving to buy a castle
in Scotland

"and marry a man
called Earl Grey.

"Do you get The Noblets
in America?

"Well, my favorite Noblet
is Vanity Noblet.

"He wants to be
everyone's friend,

"even the boys!

"In your letter,
you said you had no friends.

Well, neither do I."

- Mm-hmm!
- Ooh!

"Yesterday at school,

"Bernie Clifford weed
on my Spam sandwich

"and called me poo-face
'cause of my birthmark.

"I wish I could peel it off
like a Band-Aid.

"He also laughed,
'cause I had no buttons.

"Ethel pecked them off,

"and Mum couldn't thread
a needle,

"'cause she'd been testing
the sherry.

"So she used pegs instead.

"When I got home,

"I climbed into my secret place
till dinnertime.

"The other kids also laugh
at my haircut.

"Dad has to cut my hair,

"because Mum says
real hairdressers sell your hair

"to Chinamen
who stuff mattresses.

"My teacher, Mrs. Pendergast,
says I should smile more.

"I told my mum,

"and so she drawed
a big smile on me.

"I don't think Mrs. Pendergast
likes me anymore.

"I better go now.

"My tears are smudg-ling
my words.

"Your friend in Australia,

"Mary Daisy Dinkle.

"P.S., have you
ever been teased?

"Can you help me?

"P.S.S., I've never been
hang gliding before

"or been a Commune-ist

"but would love a Frisbee

"and your recipe
for chocolate hot dogs.

"P.S.S.S., I'm sending you
some Australian chocolate,

"a pompom I made,
and a cake called a Lamington,

which I was meant to eat
for lunch."

- "Have you ever been teased?"

Mary's letter
triggered memories

Max had buried deep down
in his shoes.

- He's going that way.

- We've got him cornered now!

Hey, Jew boy, you're gonna pay.

- Take this, Jew boy!

- Jew boy, Jew boy, Jew boy!

And as usual,

he coped in the only way
he knew.

And 36
chocolate hot dogs later...

And after
only two hours' sleep,

Max's meltdown faded away,

and an idea popped
into his brain.

ding!

- "Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,

"thank you for your letter,
chocolate bar,

"Lamington, and pompom.

"The chocolate got crushed,

"so I blended the bits
with milk and ice cream,

"and now I am drinking it
right now.

"After much thought,

"I think I have a solution
to your teasing.

"Tell Bernie Clifford

"your birthmark
is made of chocolate,

"which means
when you get to heaven,

"you will be in charge
of all the chocolate.

"This, of course, is a lie.

"I do not like lies,
but in this case,

"I think it will be
of benefit.

"I wish I could be in charge
of all the chocolate,

"but, of course, I cannot,
because of my atheism.

"My neighbor Ivy
is also an atheist.

"She doesn't talk much

"but makes me very good soup
on Sunday nights.

"She is partly blind,

and sometimes I find her hair
in my soup."

Ew...

"I do not tell her,

"as Dr. Bernard Hazelhof says
this would be impolite.

"Here is a list of what I eat
on the other nights:

Glicks Potato Knish;

Yiddel's Noodle Kugel;

Captain Salty's Fishstix;

Yentl's Cheezy Blintz;

Chiken Nuggets.

"On Saturday nights,
I create my own recipes.

"Last week, I invented
canned spaghetti hamburgers.

"Recipes are like
mathematical equations.

"Dr. Bernard Hazelhof told me

"you should never weigh more
than your refrigerator

"and to never eat anything
bigger than your head.

"I once ate a watermelon
bigger than my head

"but not all at once.

"Do you have
any weight loss suggestions?

"My Overeaters Anonymous
meetings

don't seem to be working
and just make me tense."

gulp!

"It would be good
if there was a fat fairy."

"She would be a bit like
the tooth fairy

"but would suck out your fat.

"Ivy says she is only
a little bit blind,

"but I think
she is very blind.

"She should get a cane

"like other
vision-impaired people.

"She could make the end pointy

"and collect rubbish
at the same time.

"I think I will write a letter
to the mayor and suggest this.

"He will be very impressed.

"Ivy says
she doesn't need a cane

because she has
a good sense of smell."

- "She says she could find me
with her eyes stapled shut.

She says I smell like
licorice and old books."

"I think she smells like
cough medicine and urine.

"I have never told her this,

"as Dr. Bernard Hazelhof said
this would also be impolite.

"People often think
I am tactless and rude.

"I cannot understand how
being honest can be improper.

"Maybe this is why
I don't have any friends,

"of course, except for you.

A real friend has been one
of my three goals in life."

Oh!

"The other two
are to own every Noblet

"and a lifetime supply
of chocolate.

"Dr. Bernard Hazelhof says
it is good to have goals

"but not stupid ones
like mine.

"I have now run out of things
to tell you.

"Please write soon.

"Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz.

"P.S., do not worry
about not smiling.

"My mouth hardly ever smiles,

"but it does not mean
I am not smiling

"inside my brain.

"P.P.S., please find enclosed

"a Frisbee,
some chocolate Pop Rocks,

"which you should eat
with cola,

"and an illustration
of a turtle

"from one
of my National Geographies.

"P.P.P.S., did you know
that turtles

can breathe
through their anuses?"

- "Dear Max,

"when I told Bernie Clifford

"I'll be in charge
of all the chocolate in heaven

and he wouldn't get any,
he cried."

"I also hided some dog's poo
in his bit of the sand pit.

"Your advice was great,

"and I have got a job
delivering pamphlets

"so I can save
to come and see you.

"I am sad to hear
you are fat.

"Mum says I am fat too,

"and I am growing up
to be a heffa,

"which I think
is a type of cow.

"Maybe you should
only eat things

"beginning with the letter
of each day.

"On Mondays,
you could only eat

milkshakes, marshmallows,
and mustard."

- Ooh.

- "For my birthday,
my mum baked a cake,

and Dad gave me a camera."

click!

"I hope you like
the photos I sent.

"The first one is of Ethel,
who ate some tinsel.

"The next one is
of myself

"after I ate
the chocolate Pop Rocks

"with the cola
like you said.

"Next is Len.

"He's still trying hard
not to be afraid of outside

and conquer his homophobia."

clang!

- "The next one
is of Dad in his shed

and then one of the times..."

- "I covered Mum
while she was asleep

"in her stickers
that help her stop smoking.

Next, when I got my Slinky
caught in my hair."

- Hmm.

- "Then one of the times Sonny
digged up his wife Cher.

"And finally,
a photo of my other neighbor,

"Damian Popodopolous.

"He's a Greek and smells like
lemon dishwashing liquid,

"and his skin is smooth
like the back of a spoon.

"Mum says he's a wog
and has a stutter

"and can't even say
his own surname.

"She says you have to hit him
on the back of the head

to get his words out."

- Popodopolous.

- "I wish he was my boyfriend,

"and we can be in love
and do sexing

"like Katherine Ramsay told me
behind the bike shed.

"She said
it's when two people go nuddy

"and rub on each other
to make babies.

"I told her she's a liar
and would go to hell

"and burn like toast,

"'cause babies really come
from beer glasses

"and eggs laid by rabbits
and nuns and proster-tubes.

"She said ladies
get knocked up

"and bake babies
in their stomachs for two years

"till they spurt
out their vag-eye-nas

"with blood
and tinned spaghetti.

"Have you got a girlfriend, Max,
or some wives?

"Have you done sexing?

"Valen-time's Day is soon,

"and I want to give Damian
a present so he can love me.

Can you explain love
and how I can be lovered?"

Once again,
Mary's letter

had triggered
an anxiety attack.

Max knew nothing about love.

It was as—
it was as foreign to him

as scuba diving,

and he'd had
an appalling history

of getting it all wrong.

One Valentine's Day,

he'd given Zelda Glutnik

a gift he was sure
was appropriate.

The only companion
that had ever warmed Max's bed

was his hot water bottle.

Romance and love
was a mysterious language

he'd given up on.

If only Mary had asked
how a toaster works

or asked for an explanation
of the chaos theory.

If only there was
a mathematical equation...

for love.

He kept eating and thinking.

But love was not like
Max's Rubik's Cube.

It could not be solved.

And no matter from what angle
he analyzed it,

the results were negative.

- Beat it, creep!

He felt love
but couldn't articulate it

Its logic was as foreign
to him as—

as a salad sandwich.

The stars made more sense.

- Unit 12, have you responded
to the Hubert Street call?

The anxiety
and stress were too much.

The inscrutability of love
finally won,

and Max's brain gave in.

- Ooh.

He was diagnosed

with severe depression
and obesity

and spent
the next eight months

institutionalized
and bedridden.

They marinated him
in a cocktail of drugs

and performed the usual
therapeutic procedures.

Meanwhile,
Mary wondered and waited.

Maybe Max's typewriter
had run out of ink.

Maybe America
had run out of ink.

Maybe his pets
had eaten him.

Maybe it was her.

Was she too demanding,
too boring, too ugly?

Filled with anger, confusion,
and self-loathing,

Mary tried to erase the memory
of her friend forever

Max had recovered,
and life was balanced,

safe, and symmetrical
once again.

smooch!

But Mary still lingered
in his mind.

Half of him wanted
to write to her immediately.

The other half
didn't want to end up

a mental patient again.

At least there was always
Mr Ravioli to be friends with.

He was a much safer option.

He wondered what Mary
was doing right now.

But she was far from content

and struggled on by herself,

saving her money
for a rainy day.

Life went on as usual for Max,

and even though he opted
for order and stability,

misfortune was never far away.

crash!

Luckily, his manslaughter
charges were dismissed

because he was labeled
mentally deficient

and unlikely to have a motive
for killing a mime artist..

- Oop!

Unlike most people.

From then on,
Max cooled himself differently,

and things went back to normal
until after his 48th birthday,

when his numbers
finally came up.

- Welcome
to the New York Lottery,

and these are
tonight's winning numbers.

3,

5,

6,

9,

11,

and 12.

Max was sensible
with his sudden wealth

and had bought
a lifetime supply of chocolate

and the complete
Noblet collection.

Two of his life goals
had come true,

but he still had
a lot of money

so decided to give it
to Ivy...

- Oh!

Who was also
very sensible...

crash!

Until her own numbers came up.

Ivy willed everything
to the local cat shelter,

whose owner relocated
her kind donation

to his bank account,

his wife's new breasts,
a Ferrari,

and enough fuel
to get to Mexico.

Despite achieving
all his life's goals,

Max still felt incomplete.

Mr Ravioli

just wasn't
cutting the mustard anymore

and seemed more interested
in his self-help books.

Mary had given Max a taste
of real friendship,

and there was just
no comparison.

She missed him too
but no longer saved to see him.

She now saved
for a different reason.

One day, Mr. Ravioli got up,
left, and never came back.

Max sought
Dr. Hazelhofs advice.

He told Max
that true friendship

is seen through the heart,
not through the eyes,

and that it was time
he wrote to Mary

to reveal his true sell

warts and all.

Max understood.

"Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,

"there is something
I have to tell you

"which will explain why
I have not written.

"Each time I received
one of your letters,

"I had a severe anxiety attack.

"This is because recently,

"while I was
in a mental institution,

"they diagnosed
that I have a new thing

"called Asperger's syndrome,

"which is a neurobiological,

"pervasive,
developmental disability.

"I prefer 'Aspie' for short.

"I will now list
some of the traits of an Aspie.

"Number one:

"I find the world
very confusing and chaotic

"because my mind
is very literal and logical.

I have trouble
understanding

"the expressions
on people's faces.

"When I was younger,

I made a book to help me
when I was confused."

smack!

"I still have trouble
with some people.

"Ivy was hard to understand
because of her wrinkles

"and because her eyebrows
weren't real.

I have bad handwriting,
am hypersensitive..."

Ahh!

"Clumsy,

"and can get
very concerned.

I like solving problems.

Ivy said
this is a good thing."

- "And finally, number five:

"I have trouble expressing
my emotions.

"Dr. Bernard Hazelhof says
my brain is defective,

"but one day, there will be
a cure for my disability.

"I do not like it
when he says this.

"I do not feel disabled,
defective,

"or a need to be cured.

"I like being an Aspie.

"It would be like trying
to change the color of my eyes.

"There is one thing I wish
I could change, however.

I wish I could cry properly."

"I squeeze and squeeze,
but nothing comes out.

"I cry when I cut onions,
but this does not count.

"Anyway, do you like
the word 'kumquat'?

"It is a type of fruit.

"Do you have
a favorite-sounding word?

"My top five are:

"ointment, bumblebee,

"Vladivostock, banana,
and testicle.

"I have also invented
some new words:

"confuzzled, which is being

"confused and puzzled
at the same time;

"snirt, which is a cross
between snow and dirt,

"and smushables...

"which are squashed groceries

"you find at the bottom
of the bag.

"I have sent a letter
to the Oxford Dictionary people

"asking them
to include my words

"but have not heard back.

"It is now time
for me to go

"to my Overeaters Anonymous
meeting.

"There is a woman there
called Marjorie Buttersworth

"who confuzzles me.

smooch!

"She kisses me
without my permission,

"so tonight I have decided
to rub onions

"under my armpits
to repel her.

Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz."

Hmm.

"P.S., please find enclosed

"some chocolate-covered ants
I found at the deli.

"P.P.S., not much has happened
since I last wrote,

"except for
my manslaughter charges,

lotto win,
and Ivy's death."

Mary was thrilled
Max had finally written

and suddenly had
a fabulous idea.

- Aha!

ding!

Mary and Max's
friendship was resuscitated,

and her tears
were the best gift

he'd ever received.

Inside Max's head,
his brain was smiling.

Loaded up with bizarre forms
of chocolate,

their letters flew
thick and fast

between the continents.

Max learned to read
Mary's letters with caution,

and at the slightest tingle
of tension,

he would stop,
take his medication,

and soothe his nerves.

Each letter he would iron,
laminate,

and file in a special place,

which also soothed his nerves.

He enjoyed answering
her questions

and solving her puzzles like,

"Do sheep shrink
when it rains?"

"Why do old men
wear their pants so high?"

"Do gooses get goose bumps?"

"And why is
belly button lint blue?"

"Are there Noblets in heaven?"

"And if a taxi goes backwards,
does the driver owe you money?"

In turn,
Mary simply enjoyed hearing

about Max's fascinating life:

how many people
he'd counted littering...

crash!

How the latest Henry
had died...

And new recipes
he'd invented for chicken.

Each nourished the other,

and as Mary grew taller,

Max grew wider,

their friendship becoming
stronger than the glue

on Mary's Noblets.

Although Max found solace
in Mary,

he still found the rest
of the world bewildering,

and he couldn't understand

why he was seen
as the odd one

while everyone else
was considered normal.

Humans
were endlessly illogical.

Why did they throw out food

when there were children
starving in India?

Why did they clear
the rain forests

when they needed the oxygen?

And why did they create
bus timetables

when they never ran on time?

He agreed with
his favorite physicist

that there are only
two things infinite:

the universe
and man's stupidity.

And for Mary, even though Max
filled her with confidence...

- Bull's-eye!

Her world
was far from perfect

- Opa!

The grip of love
had her by the throat

At 4:59 p.m.

on the 8th
of the 8th, 1988...

Noel Norman Dinkle
attached his last string,

and after 40 years
and 40 million tea bags,

he retired.

To celebrate, Noel announced
he was retiring from taxidermy

and taking up
metal detecting instead.

But sadly, it was not a hobby
he had for long.

In his will,
Noel had left Mary some money,

so she decided
to go to university

and study disorders
of the mind,

yearning to learn more
about her friend.

Mary was as popular
at university

as she was at school.

Damian went there too,
aching to be a thespian.

- Hi, there, M-M-Mary.

- Hi.

Hello.

splat!

- Hey, Damian,

your mum's roses look fab!

- Ah, th-thanks, Mary.

Urn, Mary, can I tell you
something?

- Sure, babe!

- Urn—urn—

you've got d-d-d-dog's poo
on your shoe.

"Dear Max, I have been
such an idiot.

"I've wasted all my money
on something pointless

"when I should have been
saving to see you.

"I know love upsets you,

"so I won't go on about it.

"All I want to say is that
love is obviously not for me.

"I hope you are well

"and enjoy the chocolate
cigarettes I've enclosed.

Love, Mary."

gulp!

Hmm.

Mm.

- Oh, you should be ashamed!

- Come on, Bethany, let's go.

- Oh, Mom!

- I told you
never to talk to strangers,

you naughty girl.

ding!

Noel's sudden death

had filled Vera
with remorse and guilt,

and she coped
in the only way she knew.

- "Dear Max,

"our wedding day was everything
that I've ever dreamt,

"making up
for the terrible year I've had.

"Although all the guests were
Damian's family and friends,

"I felt very welcome.

crash!

"Damian is so perfect.

"He even made my wedding dress.

"And for our honeymoon,

"he took me to Mykonos,
his favorite island in Greece.

"I got to ride a donkey

"and found the perfect gift
for Len.

"Poor Len.

He's still struggling
with his agoraphobia."

crash!

- "Damian and I are so similar.

"He even has
his own pen-friend

who lives on a sheep farm
in New Zealand."

- Mary?

M- M-M-Mary?

Mary?

Mary was bursting
with self-esteem,

and her confidence
was almost unbearable.

At university, she shone

and took it upon herself

to cure the world
of mental illness.

She did her thesis
on Asperger's syndrome

and used Max
as her case study.

Her professors
were thoroughly impressed

and her writing
praised far and wide.

Soon, publishers queued
to print her unique insight,

and by her 25th birthday,

thousands of copies
were ready to be shipped.

- "Dear Max,

"I am very proud to give you
the very first copy of my book

"about your disability

and the hopes that we have
to one day cure it."

"Even more exciting is that
I'm finally coming

"to meet and celebrate with you
in one week's time.

"I'm also gonna give you
half the royalties.

"Your loving friend, Mary.

P.S., please find enclosed some
chocolate-coated Swiss almonds."

Max didn't take
the news very well...

Not very well at all.

- "Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,

"I cannot express myself
very clearly at this moment,

"and so I will list
my emotions

"in the order they feel
most intense:

"hurt, confuzzledness,
betrayal,

"discomfort, distress,
and wheeziness.

"This last one
is not really an emotion,

but I thought you
should know about it anyway."

With her suitcase
packed for New York,

Mary said good-bye to Damian.

She hadn't been this excited

since she'd found a Noblet
in the gutter.

But her excitement
suddenly dribbled away

like a chocolate in the sun.

Mary slowly sank
into a puddle of depression,

self-loathing,
and cooking sherry.

The only color left in her life
was her beloved Damian,

only an arm's length away
but as distant as the moon.

She lost interest in the world,
and it lost interest in her

as a horrible apparition
began to haunt

She started to spend her nights
making pompoms

and eating two-minute noodles.

Hmm.

Each day,
with strength and shame,

Mary trudged
to the letterbox in hope,

only to swivel, shrivel,

and slink back inside.

thud!

- "My dearest Mary,

"by the time you read this,

"I will be on a plane
to New Zealand

"to begin a new life.

"You probably haven't even
noticed I'd packed my bags.

"I have fallen in love with—
with my pen-friend, Desmond.

"and I'm going to live
on his sheep farm.

"It's been hard to watch you

"become a remnant of the person
I once loved.

"Your research
into m-m-mental illness

"has been admirable,

"but your i-i-idealistic pursuit
to remedy it has been misguided.

"Mary, you have to realize,

"you are not some sort
of magic beauty cream

"you can smooth on the world
to rid of its wrinkles.

"I love you, Mary,

"but I love Desmond more.

"I hope one day
your heart will heal,

"and we can be friends.

Yours compassionately,
Damian."

thud!

- Aargh!

"Dear Mayor Ridiculani,

"on Monday,
I counted 27 people

"illegally dropping
cigarette butts.

"I would like to recommend

"the fine be increased
to a minimum of $1 million

"as a stronger deterrent,

and would be happy..."

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Sorry.

- "Dear Mary,

"please find enclosed
my entire Noblet collection

"as a sign that I forgive you.

When I received your book..."

What?

On the way home,

Max sat to count the stars.

He felt complete.

The world was back in balance.

- When I was just
a little girl

I asked my mother,
What will I be?

Will I be pretty?

Will I be rich?

Here's what she said to me

Que sera, sera

Whatever will be, will be

The future's not ours to see

Que sera, sera

Que sera, sera

Whatever will be, will be

The future's not ours to see

Que sera, sera

What will be, will be

Que sera, sera

- Ah!

Len had saved the day.

And after 45 years,

he finally conquered
his agoraphobia.

- Moron!

- "Dear Mary,

"please find enclosed

"my entire Noblet collection

"as a sign
that I forgive you.

"When I received your book,

"the emotions inside my brain

"felt like they were
in a tumble dryer,

"smashing into each other.

"The hurt felt like
when I accidentally

"stapled my lips together.

"The reason I forgive you
is because you are not perfect.

"You are imperfect,
and so am I.

"All humans are imperfect,

"even the man outside
my apartment who litters.

"When I was young,

"I wanted to be anybody
but myself.

"Dr. Bernard Hazelhof said
if I was on a desert island,

"then I would have to
get used to my own company,

"just me and the coconuts.

"He said I would
have to accept myself,

"my warts and all,

"and that we don't get
to choose our warts.

"They are a part of us,
and we have to live with them.

"We can, however,
choose our friends,

"and I am glad
I have chosen you.

"Dr. Bernard Hazelhof
also said that everyone's lives

"are like a very long sidewalk.

"Some are well-paved.

"Others, like mine,
have cracks,

"banana skins,
and cigarette butts.

"Your sidewalk is like mine,

"but probably not
as many cracks.

"Hopefully one day
our sidewalks will meet,

"and we can share
a can of condensed milk.

"You are my best friend.

"You are my only friend.

"Your American pen pal,
Max Jerry Horowitz.

"P.S., I have recently found
the perfect job

"with a survey company.

"All I have to do
is eat things

and tick boxes."

- Max?

Max?

Max?

Hello?

Max, it's us.

We're here.

Max?

Max had died
peacefully that morning,

after finishing his final can
of condensed milk.

- You are my best friend.

You are my only friend.

He smelted like
licorice and old books,

she thought to herself,

as tears rolled
from her eyes,

the color of muddy puddles.