Original subtitles

Yeah, man, giraffes are crazy.

Right? It seem like they'd be choking all the time.

Facts. Oh.

- Hey, you want one? - Yes, of course.

Can I get, uh, two of...

[sensual music]

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ You're my lady ♪

♪ ♪

Damn, did you just see that?

Yeah, man. She was all over you.

- You gonna go after her? - Nah, I've grown.

Life ain't a rom-com, you know what I'm saying?

I'm good. [gasps]

Actually, I will go after her. She stole my wallet.

Hey, give me my wallet back!

Damn, she is gone!

♪ Whoop, whoop ♪

♪ Cabernet and sauvignon ♪

♪ Team is here and now it's on ♪

♪ Carry on and Carignan, sippin' on Perignon ♪

♪ Fine wine, got notes like a cello ♪

♪ Pull up in the spot like hello ♪

♪ If you got me, then I got you ♪

♪ This is the vibe, this is the crew ♪

♪ Grand crew, grand crew, uh ♪

♪ Grand crew, grand crew, grand crew, uh ♪

♪ Grand crew ♪

You know, I feel it in my bones.

What's up, y'all?

- Whoa! - What the hell?

- What? - You just gonna walk in here

wearing a hat and expect us not to react?

I wanted to wear a hat.

Sherm wears hats all the time.

Don't bring me into this crazy choice you made today.

So I'm not much of a hat guy, but, you know, I figured,

why not now? Life is short.

So you're wearing a cap because life is short?

Yes.

- That's stupid. - Stupid...

- No, it's stupid. - It's just a hat.

Okay, enough about Anthony's insane clothing.

- A hat is insane now? - On your head, absolutely.

So listen, okay, I've been dating this guy named Clarke.

He's very sexy.

We've been getting along great.

Sounds like there's a "but" coming.

No, there's not.

So we've been getting along great, however...

"However" is just a fancy "but."

[sharply] However...

he talks in his sleep.

Ooh, interesting. What he be talking about?

Here's the thing: I think it's about me.

[muttering] Damn, Nicky, why are you always so late?

You're so damn late all the damn time.

Oh, my God.

You do show up late sometimes.

He's definitely talking about you.

I mean, it's so weird.

Is it normal?

It's called somniloquy.

Sorry, I overheard you guys, but I can tell you,

it's a common form of parasomnia

whereby a person talks in their sleep

with no memory whatsoever.

66% of people are gonna talk in their sleep

at some point in their life.

Completely normal.

Oh. Well, thanks, nurse lady.

- Thank you. - Maybe you should

talk to him about the sleep stuff

or just apologize for the lateness.

Nuh-uh, it is too early in the relationship

for me to be communicating with my partner.

[chuckles] You're silly.

Or you could just not say anything,

and then show up on time next time,

and, you know, keep it pushing.

Thank you, Anthony.

Finally, someone wants to give me advice

that I actually want to hear.

This is a hot take, but I like taxes.

I want my roads to be smooth.

Okay, I-I guess that makes sense.

Oh, Keith! Dale!

- What's up, y'all? - Hey.

- How you doing, man? - What's going on, man?

- Good to see you. - What's up, baby?

- This my boy, Sherm. - What's up, man?

- Keith, man. - From your group

of single, hopeless friends?

[laughter]

I'll tell you one thing:

it's good y'all found wives early,

'cause y'all ugly.

- Okay. - [laughs] A'ight.

Aye, there go Keith again with that goofy-ass laugh,

sounding like a hyena.

[both imitate laugh]

And you shouldn't be laughing, Wyatt.

You look like you shop at Brokes Brothers.

He broke. [laughter]

Go ahead, Wyatt. It's your turn, man.

- Hit 'em with it. - Okay, um...

hey, Keith, where'd you get those shoes?

Brokes Brothers?

Oh, no.

Did you just recycle a roast?

Uh, what he meant to say was, when y'all get home tonight,

make sure you leave those shoes outside on the curb

- 'cause they trash. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[laughter]

That's a good one, Sherm. That's a good one.

Hey, Wyatt, you should have him come through

to play spades this week since Chuck's out of town.

Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. Uh, what you think, Sherm?

Oh, yeah, man, I'll be there, and get ready,

'cause I'ma spank you like your mamas should've.

- Okay! - Okay!

[imitates switch crack] "Mama!"

Uh, okay. We'll see y'all at the spades night, man.

- All right. - Come on, get yo'...

Excuse me.

Uh, sorry to bother you, everyone,

but does anyone happen to be the owner

of that silver Prius that's parked in the back?

Oh, yeah, that's my car.

Oh, well, um, parking in back is for employees only.

- Oh, my bad. - No worries. Thank you.

[huffs]

[cheerily] Hi!

Hey. What's up?

I'm sorry to bother you again,

uh, but I actually need the spot.

That's why I made the announcement.

Could you move your car, please?

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Thank you. [chuckles]

- Sorry again... - Oh, it's okay.

Could you move your car now?

Uh, one of our vendors is on the way.

- I won't be much longer. - Okay.

- Um, how much longer? - I don't know.

I mean, are you keeping a clock on all your customers?

What is going on? Look, I'm trying to be reasonable.

I mean, I could've had your car towed.

Oh, so we making threats now?

No, I'm just saying I could've had it towed.

- Look, Mr. Donuts- - Okay.

The shop is called Copy and Donuts,

but my last name isn't Donuts, and I feel like you know that.

I don't know your life, but you clearly

don't want my business, so next time,

I'll be sure to go somewhere else.

What is happening?

Nicky.

Hey. You're early.

Well, being late is very uncharacteristic for me.

I love being on time.

In high school, I was voted most likely

to be on time for...

stuff.

Damn, that is so sexy.

- It is? - Mm-hmm.

Who knew? [laughs]

[muttering] Oh, damn, Nicky, you are so punctual.

Mm. That's what's up. [moans]

[whispering] Yes!

Hm? What'd you say, baby?

Oh, nothing. You're cute.

Go back to sleep.

Why are you so deep in your phone, Noah?

- What's going on? - Ugh.

I got into it with this woman at work,

and now she just gave Copy and Donuts

- a one-star review. - One star?

Noah, what did you do?

Nothing. I just kindly asked her

to move her car out of an employees only spot,

and now she's saying, "Copy and Donuts offers

"cold coffee and struggle donuts,

and the parking arrangement is classist."

Employee parking isn't classist!

Sounds classist to me.

Whose side are you on?

I'm always on the side of drama in this dancery.

I have to do something about this.

I-I just don't like this bad review.

I would strongly advise against it.

Can't please 'em all. Just move on.

Have you met me? I can't just move on.

I need to be liked, all right?

So I'm gonna invite her back to the shop

and make things right.

I just need to turn on some

of ze, ah, business charm.

- Ew, what is that? - That was a French accent.

What's up? [clears throat]

What's good, y'all?

Sorry, excuse me.

What? Is it the hat again?

- both: Yes. - Obviously.

- Come on. - Well, I think it looks good.

Tell us what's happened with this hat.

- What's going on? - This is ridiculous.

Okay! Okay! Okay!

Damn. There was an incident

at the barber shop.

[laughter]

And then I said,

"Bust it down and put that thang on it!"

[laughter]

[clipper buzzing]

all: Damn!

Ooh, he gon' need some hats.

- Just show it to us. - Mm.

It can't be any worse than it looks right now.

Yeah, you look like a sad fisherman.

Over there looking like LL Fool J.

Ooh! [laughter]

Come on. It's your turn.

- Man, look at that hat... - Yes.

Sitting on top of your head...

Yes.

Looking like a...

Come on, finish strong.

- Sad fisherman. - Ah, damn!

Is that the best you got?

- LL Fool J. - I said that!

Dude, somebody has gotta teach you how to roast.

Oh, I can roast. Huh.

I'll roast you

- like a pot roast. - What?

- Why? - I will throw my drink

in your face if you do that again.

- I'm dead. - It's...

So I asked you to come by

because I was thinking about our interaction the other day.

And, you know, I saw that one-star review,

and I was just hoping that we can, you know,

- move past all this. - Huh. Move past this how?

I am so happy you asked that, Mia,

because I got you free coffee...

- Ah. - Complimentary donuts.

And if you need anything printed today, it's on us.

Wow, that is so very nice of you, Mr. Donuts.

You know, I was actually on my way to FedEx

to get some copies made, but I'll do them here.

- It's free. - Great.

Let me check it out.

Let's see what we got here.

Okay.

What is this?

Oh, they're horror movie stills for a collage.

Oh.

Oh, right. Yeah, that's right.

[stammering] That's what they are, yeah.

Horror. [chuckles]

That's um- that's my favorite genre.

So you must be a real fan too.

That's so cool.

Anyway, I'll get these started for you.

And, uh, I'm just really happy we could make this work.

It's so nice when people take full ownership

of their mistakes.

[weakly] For sho'. Yeah, for sho'.

- What's this? - Oh, it's a surprise.

You're not supposed to see those yet.

Is this a list of roasts for spades night?

Yes. Is it against the rules to prepare roasts in advance?

They do it all the time on Comedy Central.

Preparation ain't my issue.

It's these roasts.

"Hey, Dale, your shirt is so white"?

Yeah, and then you guys say, "How white is it?"

- It's in the script. - We not reading a script!

And what if he's not wearing a white shirt?

This is a terrible plan!

Oh, man, you are horrible at roasting.

But I can show you the way.

- Really? You'd do that for me? - Yes.

I am tired of watching you get tore up.

- Come on, let's get to work. - Okay.

Age. Boy, you so old

- with your old, ancient ass... - Old ass...

- You ran track with Moses. - Moses.

Hand out straight. Boy!

- Boy. - Say that. Boy!

- Boy. - No, don't actually hit me.

- both: Hair. - Boy, you so damn bald-

you can still say it, even though you bald.

Trust me, I'm bald too. That's why I wear all these hats.

You ain't got no hair 'cause you bald!

No, that's- that's too obvious, man!

Run down my whole outfit.

Man, look at that jacket,

wearing it on your back.

It looks like someone said, "Picasso!"

- Splash, with the paint. - [sighs]

None of my feelings are hurt. I feel fine.

both: Boy look at yo' shoes! Boy, look at yo' knees!

Boy, look at yo' stomach! Boy, look at yo' shoulders!

- Boy, look at yo' head! - Okay, you're getting it.

Boy, look at yo' shoes.

They look like knockoff Payless sneakers.

both: Boy, look at yo' knees! Boy, look at yo' stomach!

Boy, look at yo' shoulders! Boy, look at yo' head!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - [laughs]

Okay, you're getting it. You're getting it.

Okay.

Clarke got you flowers,

so things must be really working out with him?

They definitely are.

His sleep-talking is a cheat code.

For the first time, I know exactly

what the person I'm dating wants,

and he loves me for it.

[singsongy] Breakfast in bed.

- What? - Mm-hmm.

- I love breakfast in bed. - Yep.

And guess what?

Two tickets to the Magic Castle.

No way. I love magic.

How did you know?

Well done. You've turned

his sleep condition into a perfect relationship.

Kind of.

I mean, he's obviously obsessed with me,

which is every girl's dream.

But he's not nearly as perfect as I am.

What do you mean?

Well, for example, these flowers,

I don't like them.

I like lilies.

Too bad you don't talk in your sleep,

or he'd already know that.

Anthony, you are brilliant.

I have to talk in my sleep so I get exactly what I want.

I was making an offhanded joke.

I wasn't suggesting that at all.

Too late. I'm already going to do it.

- I must go to bed! - Good luck with that.

And see, we had a whole conversation,

and you didn't even notice my hat.

Check the text thread.

[cell phone chimes and buzzes]

Wait.

[laughter]

Look, aye, Dale and I haven't lost in weeks.

- Mm-hmm - So I hope you're not

a sore loser, Sherm.

Man, the only thing sore about me

is my eyes from looking at yo' ugly ass.

Oh! [laughter]

Hey, look at Wyatt. Only thing weaker than his hand

is his hairline. [laughter]

The only thing weak in here is that baby chest of yours.

You look like a Slim Jim,

but you need to snap into a gym-gym.

- Oh! - Okay!

Okay. A'ight.

Wyatt brought his teeth today! Damn!

And I see you still haven't brushed yours.

I can smell that breath from way over here.

Smell like booty.

- Oh! - You Milk Dud head-ass boy.

And this is my house!

- Boom! - Oh.

Aah!

I just wanted to say thank you so much

for changing your review on Yelp to five stars.

And we are very happy to provide you

with more violent imagery. [chuckles]

- Thanks, Mr. Donuts. - [softly] That's not my name.

You know, I'm doing a blood and guts booth at Murder-Con.

It's the largest horror convention

in San Gabriel Valley.

You had me at blood,

but then you went and added the guts.

I love that. Chef's kiss.

All right, so your total is $88.

[laughs] You're funny.

What's funny?

You know what? Yeah.

88 is a goofy, little number.

All round and no edges. [laughs]

So, uh, how do you wanna pay?

I'm not paying.

You said everything was free.

Well, that was a one-time deal.

I wouldn't offer you a lifetime

of free copies, coffee, and donuts, you know?

And I wouldn't spend $88 of my own money here.

Are you really rescinding your offer?

I never made that offer. You misunderstood.

So you're saying I'm stupid?

No, I'm saying your interpretation

of this situation is very silly.

Wow, so you really gonna make me

go back into Yelp and change my review?

I'm sorry, are you really trying

to blackmail me right now?

I bet you don't even like horror.

Of course I don't like horror movies.

Why would anyone intentionally tap into the emotion of fear?

- You're just too weak. - And you're just too wack.

[gasps]

[groans]

What are you doing?

This Mia chick is ruining my life.

We told you to stay away, but you didn't listen

even though you got them big-ass ears.

- [laughter] - Whoa!

Ooh, that's new.

He caught the bug.

He's a roastmaster now.

Aye, aye, aye, roast these nuts.

[laughter]

I'm sorry. It's just so much fun.

I can't believe no one told me how good this feels.

I'm really happy for you, Wyatt, but this is serious.

Mia's bombing our Yelp page

with all these fake negative reviews.

It dropped our overall rating from 4.8 stars

down to 2.5 stars.

This is bad for business.

No one goes to places with 2.5 stars.

That's not true.

I went to a vegan restaurant with 2.5 stars.

- And how was it? - Really great,

until I was hospitalized with food poisoning.

I'll never go back there.

Ah, I see what you're saying now.

So what are you gonna do next to make her like you?

No, we're past that.

I'm not gonna get her to like me.

I'm gonna get even.

[feigning snores]

Fore... fore...

foreplay.

[trills] I need more foreplay.

Speaking of plays, take me to a play.

Wear the blue shirt.

Not the red one.

You look like Clifford the Big Red Dog.

Hey, Keith, Dale. What's up?

- Ah, what's up, y'all? - Aye, The Two Stooges.

Ha ha ha, and there's K-Ci and JoJo's broke cousins.

At least I'm not Wyatt wearing a shmedium sweatshirt.

Yeah, if you need some new options,

you can borrow my son's clothes.

Ah, okay, well, stop playing,

'cause we all know that Toby ain't your real son.

- Oh, boy. - And Dale,

I heard that your wife cheated on you with your chiropractor.

I guess he's breaking both y'all's backs.

- Oh, my goodness! No! - Hey, that's cold, bro.

Shut yo' bitch ass up!

The only thing cold is your house,

seeing as how you just got laid off.

- I guess you can't afford heat. - No, you can afford heat.

He can afford heat. Man, you can afford heat.

You look like you pay for all the heat.

Pay for my heat bill.

Oh, hello, Anthony.

Nicky, I see you got the lilies you wanted.

- Did you- - Tell Clarke exactly

what I wanted in his sleep?

Yes, I call it suggestive sleeping.

Suggestive sleeping?

I think it's the future of dating.

It is great.

He got me the flowers that I wanted.

He no longer talks with his mouth full.

He's gonna take me to see "Six" at the Pantages Theatre.

Ooh, he is the perfect man now,

all because of me.

This all sounds a little too good to be true.

You might be flying a little too close to the sun.

And so are you in that hat.

- Let me see that. - No. No, no.

Good afternoon.

What can I get you today?

Revenge.

- You. - Hey, Mia.

What do you want?

Just a cup of coffee.

The place I work at serves 'em

a little bit too... cold.

That is not why you're here, you son of a bitch!

Me? A son of one bitch?

Oh, my.

You can't talk to your customers like that.

May I speak to your manager?

I got her ass fired!

Victory! Ha ha!

You got her fired?

Don't you think that's taking things a little too far?

She came for my workspace, so I came for hers.

Yeah, but you still have a job though.

- And now, she doesn't. - I know.

It's amazing. I won.

This is not like you.

What happened to my brother

who loves love and loves being loved?

Well, he's on break. You need me to take a message?

Yeah, don't listen to them.

I'm proud of you, Noah. Scorched-earth.

See? Wyatt gets it.

Wyatt has lost his mind too.

Both of y'all are spinning out of control.

Man, shut the hell up.

Ain't nobody trying to hear you talk.

- Oh-hoh-hoh. - You gonna take that?

Sherm's my son. Of course he gonna take that.

all: Ooh!

- Thanks for coming. - No problem.

So what's going on? It sounded serious.

Oh!

Keith and Dale.

I didn't realize it was bitch-ass o'clock.

Have a seat, Wyatt.

Okay.

So what's going on? What is this about?

Dale, would you like to start?

Yeah. Well, here's the thing, Wyatt.

At first, you weren't really a good roaster.

Now, you're just not a good person.

- Huh. - You've taken it too far.

And it hurts, man.

It's my fault. I unlocked this monster.

And I shouldn't have because this ain't you.

Oh, yes, it is. I'm a roaster now.

And you are all just a bunch of pathetic losers.

You don't even mean the words you're saying.

Oh, yes, I do.

Y'all just can't take the heat

'cause y'all a bunch of chumps.

- No, we're not. - Yes, you are.

- You're better than this. - You have bad credit.

I've got great credit! Th-that's a lie!

This can't feel good anymore.

Oh, yes, it does.

No, it doesn't.

- Come on. - [chuckles weakly]

Yeah.

[sobbing] No, it doesn't.

I took it too far. I'm sorry, y'all.

That's a'ight. We here for you.

- We your boys. We your boys. - It's okay, man.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- What are you doing? - You got me fired.

You didn't think I'd respond?

This isn't the same.

You tanked our Yelp rating,

and I complained to your manager.

This is vandalism.

Dude, why are you taking my criticism about you

and your bad management as an attack on you?

Because it literally is.

You said, and I quote,

"The worst thing about Copy and Donuts

is Mr. Donuts himself."

That wasn't me that said that.

Okay, it was me that said that.

But where's the lie?

Look.

I'm not a bad person, okay?

[sighs]

But you could be a better manager.

Say what?

You could be a better manager with a few improvements.

Like, if some of the parking in the back was for customers,

- you'd get way more business. - Whatever.

And you should replace the donuts

in the middle of the day.

This place would be way more popular

with fresher donuts.

[scoffs]

[sighs]

O-okay, fine.

Do you want a job then?

- What? - Those were all

really good suggestions, okay?

I mean, you're unemployed, and we need the help.

So do you want the job or what?

So you hired her?

Ooh, the drama continues.

I mean, she was right about the business.

Also, I was worried that if I didn't offer her the job,

she would spray-paint the whole store up.

So she basically blackmailed herself into a job?

I kind of respect her for that, you know?

- Mm-hmm. - What's up, y'all?

- Ugh. - Enough is enough.

- Let me see that scalp. - No!

- Ooh, get him! Get him! - No! Please stop!

- Agh! - Gosh!

Aah!

[feigning snores] I...

wanna go on a vacation.

Palm Springs.

[muttering] I want you to spank me...

like a baby.

Palm Springs.

Spank me like a little baby in Palm Springs.

Mm. Mm.

Hey. Are you fake sleeping?

You clearly just responded to me,

so wake up or- or open your eyes or whatever.

Okay, okay, okay.

Look, you were talking in your sleep,

and-and it proved to be very insightful,

so I-I figured I'd give it a try too.

Okay, honestly, I didn't start talking in my sleep

until you were talking in your sleep.

- I did? - Yeah.

I didn't know that.

Well, that-that was my first time ever fake sleeping.

Oh.

Oh, so-so that's how you knew all the stuff I liked.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

You know what? It-it's okay.

You know, maybe now we can just start being

open and honest with each other, huh?

Okay. I like that.

This? This is good.

This is good.

[both sighing]

You wanna spank me like a baby in Palm Springs?

Yeah, that ain't gonna work. Mm-mm.

No, you gotta go. You gotta get out.

I'm so sorry. God bless.

Well, I'm definitely moving out.

Then I definitely want a divorce.

'Bout to go to bed, bro. You good?

Yeah, I'm good, man. Thanks.

Good night.

Night.

[TV chatter continues]

[Evanescence's "My Immortal"]

♪ ♪

♪ There's just too much ♪

♪ That time cannot erase ♪

♪ When you cried ♪

♪ I'd wipe away all of your tears ♪

♪ When you'd scream ♪

♪ I'd fight away all of your fears ♪

♪ I held you hand through all of these years ♪

♪ But you still have... ♪

♪ ♪

- [bright tune] - Yeah.

Not a doctor. Shh!

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0