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Previously on...
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00:00:02,877 --> 00:00:04,677
Tonight would be
a great time
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00:00:04,679 --> 00:00:06,913
to tell Larry that you're
not Jeff Strongman,
4
00:00:06,915 --> 00:00:08,147
that you're really
Alan Harper.
5
00:00:08,149 --> 00:00:10,349
If you tell Larry
who you really are,
6
00:00:10,351 --> 00:00:12,952
then he's gonna wonder
why I didn't tell him.
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00:00:12,954 --> 00:00:17,223
Will you do me the honor
of becoming Mrs. Alan Harper?
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00:00:17,858 --> 00:00:19,225
Who the hell
is Alan Harper?
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00:00:19,227 --> 00:00:22,495
Larry! Look! Boobs!
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00:00:22,497 --> 00:00:24,497
♪ Men. ♪
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We can go in the other room and
you can play with them. Huh?
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00:00:27,669 --> 00:00:29,709
Really?
In the middle of the day?
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00:00:29,734 --> 00:00:31,170
Mm-hmm.
14
00:00:31,171 --> 00:00:33,272
Wait a minute.
Who's Alan Harper?
15
00:00:33,274 --> 00:00:35,942
Uh, I am gonna answer that,
but before I do...
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00:00:35,944 --> 00:00:37,677
What do you say, Gretchie?
17
00:00:37,679 --> 00:00:39,112
Will you marry me?
18
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Yes.
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00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:42,915
Oh, my God!
20
00:00:45,052 --> 00:00:48,054
You've made me the-the
happiest man in the world.
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00:00:48,056 --> 00:00:50,022
Don't cry. Don't cry.
Don't cry.
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00:00:50,024 --> 00:00:52,792
A-And for your
question, Larry,
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00:00:52,794 --> 00:00:55,962
I just want to say that
everything you've known about me
24
00:00:55,964 --> 00:00:57,363
is a lie.
25
00:00:57,365 --> 00:00:59,198
My real name is Alan.
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00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:01,901
That's okay.
My real name is Lawrence.
27
00:01:01,903 --> 00:01:04,804
All right, this is gonna be
a lot harder than I thought.
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00:01:04,806 --> 00:01:06,672
Um, uh, Lyndsey
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00:01:06,674 --> 00:01:08,875
is my ex-girlfriend.
When you and she
30
00:01:08,877 --> 00:01:10,610
got together,
I made up a fake name
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00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:12,879
so that I could meet you
and stay close to Lyndsey.
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But then it turns out
I actually like you
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00:01:14,849 --> 00:01:16,282
more than I like Lyndsey.
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00:01:16,284 --> 00:01:18,851
I like you
more than Lyndsey, too!
35
00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:22,155
What the hell
is happening here?!
36
00:01:23,624 --> 00:01:25,558
So your name's
not really Jeff Strongman,
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it's Alan Harper,
and you used to date Lyndsey?
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For four years.
39
00:01:29,364 --> 00:01:31,330
Did you know about this?
40
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Yes. He was my boyfriend.
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00:01:34,969 --> 00:01:38,037
But-but I'm with you now,
and only you.
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00:01:38,039 --> 00:01:39,272
A-And I'm really, really sorry.
43
00:01:39,274 --> 00:01:42,275
Oh, save it, Jeff--
if that's even your real name.
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I think I made it pretty clear
it's not, but o-okay.
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I told Alan that I thought
he should tell you the truth,
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because I thought
you deserved to know.
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How could you keep this from me?
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I would never lie to you.
This is unbelievable!
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I never wanted
any of this to happen.
50
00:01:55,290 --> 00:01:58,324
Well, it did-- and now
I've lost my two best friends.
51
00:01:58,326 --> 00:02:01,394
And this time I'm not
talking about your boobs.
52
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I don't want to see
either one of you again.
53
00:02:03,998 --> 00:02:06,265
And I'm still not talking
about your boobs!
54
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The wedding's off!
55
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Larry, wait!
56
00:02:09,304 --> 00:02:10,670
Oh, God, see?
57
00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:13,039
This is exactly why
I didn't want to tell him.
58
00:02:13,041 --> 00:02:15,107
Now both Lyndsey
and Larry hate me,
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00:02:15,109 --> 00:02:17,610
and I've ruined the lives
of two wonderful people.
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I'll never forget
the look on-- ooh, boobs.
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00:02:20,682 --> 00:02:23,049
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
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♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
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♪ Two and a Half Men 11x22 ♪
Oh WALD-E, Good Times Ahead
Original Air Date on May 8, 2014
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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♪ Men. ♪
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Say hello to my little friend.
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00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:38,791
What is that?
68
00:02:38,793 --> 00:02:40,893
This is the most advanced
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00:02:40,895 --> 00:02:43,762
robotic artificial
intelligence today.
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00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:45,230
I call him WALD-E.
71
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Get it?
72
00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:47,466
'Cause I'm Walden,
73
00:02:47,468 --> 00:02:48,834
and the movie WALL-E?
74
00:02:48,836 --> 00:02:50,469
WALD-E?
75
00:02:51,304 --> 00:02:53,038
Say hello to my friend Jenny.
76
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:56,041
Hello to my friend Jenny.
77
00:02:56,043 --> 00:02:58,177
I programmed him to be funny.
78
00:02:58,179 --> 00:03:00,112
I beg to differ.
79
00:03:00,114 --> 00:03:01,747
You're just jealous
'cause you don't have
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00:03:01,749 --> 00:03:03,248
an electronic friend
to play with.
81
00:03:03,250 --> 00:03:05,150
Trust me, I have a whole drawer
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00:03:05,152 --> 00:03:07,319
of electronic friends
I can play with.
83
00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:11,690
Then maybe we can have
a zero-one-one-way.
84
00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:14,493
That's a three-way in binary.
85
00:03:14,495 --> 00:03:18,030
Oh, WALD-E, good times ahead.
86
00:03:18,032 --> 00:03:19,398
Hey.
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00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:21,433
Oh. Hey, check out
my new robot.
88
00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:24,970
I detect no sign
of intelligent life.
89
00:03:24,972 --> 00:03:27,639
I'm not in the mood for this.
Can you turn him off?
90
00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:30,008
Can you turn him off?
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00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:33,846
I wish I could, WALD-E,
I wish I could.
92
00:03:35,115 --> 00:03:36,782
What's going on?
Larry just texted me.
93
00:03:36,784 --> 00:03:38,984
He wants to see me.
What do you think he wants?
94
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Well,
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00:03:40,054 --> 00:03:42,354
given the fact
you blew up his entire life,
96
00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:44,490
I'm guessing he
either wants to kick your ass,
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00:03:44,492 --> 00:03:48,327
or rip your face off so you
can watch him kick your ass.
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00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:50,429
Oh, this is all my fault.
99
00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:51,930
I should have just been honest
100
00:03:51,932 --> 00:03:53,302
and told the truth
right from the start--
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00:03:53,303 --> 00:03:54,910
lying is
never the answer.
102
00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:57,102
Ooh, I know,
I'll tell him I'm sick.
103
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What's a trendy illness?
104
00:03:58,873 --> 00:04:00,305
Alan, you have to man up
105
00:04:00,307 --> 00:04:02,307
and face the consequences
of your actions.
106
00:04:02,309 --> 00:04:03,609
Maybe you're right.
107
00:04:03,611 --> 00:04:05,410
I at least owe him that much.
108
00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:07,846
I'll just go and... Hah-choo!
109
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Oh! Oh. Oh.
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Alan?
Mm-hmm?
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When people sneeze,
they don't say, "Hah-choo,
112
00:04:13,988 --> 00:04:15,721
oh, ew, ooh."
113
00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:16,889
Okay, fine.
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00:04:16,891 --> 00:04:19,291
But when he beats me
within an inch of my life,
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00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:20,692
you're on bedpan duty.
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00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:23,495
Okay, if it makes you
feel better, I'll come with you.
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00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:26,398
He only wants to
go so when Larry beats you up,
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00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,066
he can say, "I told you so."
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That is not true.
120
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:31,203
Even though
I repeatedly
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00:04:31,205 --> 00:04:34,006
told him to stop lying
about who he was,
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00:04:34,008 --> 00:04:36,441
and deceiving the people
around him,
123
00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:38,844
and eventually it
would blow up in his face,
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00:04:38,846 --> 00:04:41,847
I'm not going to say,
"I told you so."
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00:04:41,849 --> 00:04:43,015
Well, I appreciate that.
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I want to film Larry
kicking his ass
127
00:04:45,252 --> 00:04:47,820
and then say,
"I told you so""
128
00:04:47,822 --> 00:04:49,388
♪ Men. ♪
129
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Hey, Alan.
130
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Oh, hey,
hey, Larry!
131
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I don't have a weapon.
132
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:00,866
Hi. I'm Walden,
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00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:02,134
Alan's friend.
134
00:05:02,136 --> 00:05:03,902
Uh, just act like I'm not here,
135
00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:06,004
and punch like
no one's watchin'.
136
00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:07,973
And...
137
00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:08,807
action.
138
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,042
So, you, uh, you said
139
00:05:10,044 --> 00:05:11,076
you wanted to talk?
140
00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:12,845
No, no, no, louder.
141
00:05:12,847 --> 00:05:13,979
I'm sorry. What?
142
00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:16,381
Louder. There's a lot
of ambient noise in here.
143
00:05:16,383 --> 00:05:18,851
So, so, you
said you wanted to talk?
144
00:05:18,853 --> 00:05:22,254
Yeah, I actually came here
to tell you that I forgive you!
145
00:05:22,256 --> 00:05:23,589
No! Cut! Cut!
146
00:05:23,591 --> 00:05:25,691
What's... Wait, wait,
you forgive him?
147
00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:27,359
Yeah, I realized
all this anger isn't good.
148
00:05:27,361 --> 00:05:28,760
I had to let it all go.
149
00:05:28,762 --> 00:05:30,829
No!
150
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:32,431
He's not gonna
learn his lesson
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00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:34,466
if you forgive him.
The only way he's gonna learn
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00:05:34,468 --> 00:05:36,869
a lesson is
through pain and suffering
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00:05:36,871 --> 00:05:38,871
and possibly losing a tooth.
154
00:05:38,873 --> 00:05:41,073
No, no. He's gonna be
my brother-in-law
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and make an honest woman
out of Gretchen.
156
00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:46,445
She's not gonna be an
honest woman on our wedding night.
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00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:49,181
That's the guy I know and love
who's banging my sister.
158
00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:51,283
I do love banging
your sister.
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00:05:52,653 --> 00:05:56,021
No, the only banging I want
to see is you banging his face!
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00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:57,122
Oh,
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that didn't come out right.
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Gretchen is the most amazing
woman I've ever met.
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00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:04,463
I-I just have to scrape together
enough money for the wedding.
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00:06:04,465 --> 00:06:06,565
Oh, I know what you mean--
mine and Lyndsey's
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00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:08,000
was costing me a fortune.
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00:06:08,002 --> 00:06:10,702
I already paid for the flowers,
the cake, the tux.
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00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:13,071
Too bad you can't
just take his wedding.
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00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:15,841
Or can I?
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00:06:15,843 --> 00:06:17,175
I was kidding.
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00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:19,912
Well, why not? I mean,
this cup says "Peter" on it,
171
00:06:19,914 --> 00:06:22,314
but Peter
wasn't there to get it.
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I'm not gonna use it.
Me and Lyndsey are through,
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so you might as well.
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00:06:26,987 --> 00:06:28,787
You can't mooch a wedding
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00:06:28,789 --> 00:06:30,956
that you just destroyed.
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I know. How great is that?
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Classic Alan Harper.
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00:06:34,695 --> 00:06:36,626
Jeff Strongman.
Mm.
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00:06:36,627 --> 00:06:38,627
I don't know how
I didn't see through it sooner.
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00:06:38,766 --> 00:06:40,799
It's such
an obviously made-up name.
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00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:42,701
Yeah.
Jeff.
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00:06:44,771 --> 00:06:46,672
♪ Men. ♪
183
00:06:46,674 --> 00:06:49,875
Mom, this is my fiancée,
Gretchen Martin.
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00:06:49,877 --> 00:06:52,577
It is so nice to finally
meet you, Evelyn.
185
00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:54,713
Oh, you, too, dear.
186
00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:56,648
How far along are you?
187
00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:58,617
What?
Uh, my mother assumes that
188
00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:01,086
since you agreed to marry me,
you must be pregnant.
189
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:02,754
No, I'm not pregnant.
190
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:05,123
Are you after my money?
Of course not.
191
00:07:05,125 --> 00:07:08,527
¿Estas buscando trabajoen el mundo nuevo?
192
00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:09,828
What?
193
00:07:09,830 --> 00:07:11,930
Not looking
for a green card, either.
194
00:07:12,732 --> 00:07:14,967
You must genuinely like Alan.
Yeah.
195
00:07:14,969 --> 00:07:17,536
This is uncharted
territory for me.
196
00:07:17,538 --> 00:07:19,504
I know. She actually
loves me for me.
197
00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:21,873
I mean, I had to pretend
to be another person
198
00:07:21,875 --> 00:07:23,508
to make it all
happen, but still.
199
00:07:23,510 --> 00:07:26,011
Oh, that is some ring
you bought her.
200
00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:28,447
Oh, actually, that's the ring
my ex-husband got me.
201
00:07:28,449 --> 00:07:32,150
But I still had it-- I figured
why make Alan buy another one?
202
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:34,286
My God, you've
found your soul mate.
203
00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:37,089
I know. Our honeymoon is
at her cousin's time-share.
204
00:07:37,091 --> 00:07:39,725
He can't use it, 'cause
he had a heart attack.
205
00:07:39,727 --> 00:07:41,493
We're so blessed.
206
00:07:41,495 --> 00:07:43,428
Speaking of blessings,
207
00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:46,298
I just want to thank you
for raising such a caring,
208
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:48,600
thoughtful,
intelligent son.
209
00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:52,504
Oh, you're serious.
210
00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:55,574
So, when's the big day?
211
00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:57,109
Oh, uh, it's
next Saturday.
212
00:07:57,111 --> 00:08:00,012
We're just gonna have a small
affair here at the house.
213
00:08:00,014 --> 00:08:01,880
We're trying to
keep costs down.
214
00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:03,148
Are your parents coming?
215
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:05,050
Oh, no, my parents
have passed away.
216
00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:07,652
Again, we're
so blessed.
217
00:08:08,788 --> 00:08:11,323
So, where are you planning
on living after you marry?
218
00:08:11,325 --> 00:08:13,158
Oh, we're not in a rush
to go anywhere.
219
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,127
I mean, beach house, no rent...
220
00:08:16,262 --> 00:08:18,797
Don't be ridiculous--
you need your own place.
221
00:08:18,799 --> 00:08:20,932
Well, that's easier
said than done, Mom.
222
00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:24,202
How about for your wedding
if I give you a down payment
223
00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:27,439
towards your own...
Oh, I love you, Mom!
224
00:08:29,208 --> 00:08:32,010
I won't go that far,
but thank you.
225
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,845
♪ Men. ♪
226
00:08:37,950 --> 00:08:39,317
Walden.
227
00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:41,453
Oh, don't worry,
Alan's not with me.
228
00:08:41,455 --> 00:08:42,921
Wow, it's amazing
229
00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:45,257
how infrequently
I actually get to say that.
230
00:08:45,259 --> 00:08:46,792
What's up?
231
00:08:46,794 --> 00:08:50,062
I just wanted
to make sure you're okay.
232
00:08:50,064 --> 00:08:51,830
That's sweet, but I'm fine.
233
00:08:51,832 --> 00:08:54,766
When I get dumped, I usually
end up sobbing in a bathtub,
234
00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:56,435
listening to Michael Bublé.
235
00:08:56,437 --> 00:08:58,904
I call it my "Bublé bath."
236
00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:01,973
You sure you're all right?
Yeah.
237
00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:03,542
I was about to marry Larry,
238
00:09:03,544 --> 00:09:05,577
a guy who once called
venetian blind cleaners
239
00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:07,846
because he wanted to help
handicapped Italians.
240
00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:09,314
Look, if Alan
241
00:09:09,316 --> 00:09:11,316
and Gretchen are supposed
to be together,
242
00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:12,951
I wish them the best.
243
00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:16,354
If you need anything,
don't hesitate to call me.
244
00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:18,023
Thanks.
Okay.
245
00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:27,566
Siri, remind me to draw
a Bublé bath tonight.
246
00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:33,138
Mm, what's that, Larry?
247
00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:37,242
You forgive me
and you still want to marry me?
248
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:38,944
Oh, Alan...
249
00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:42,714
you never stopped loving me
and you want to marry me, too?
250
00:09:43,883 --> 00:09:46,852
I am the luckiest woman
in the world.
251
00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:59,131
♪ Men. ♪
252
00:10:05,004 --> 00:10:07,038
♪ Men. ♪
253
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:09,074
Everybody, freeze.
254
00:10:09,076 --> 00:10:10,642
What the hell?
255
00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:13,645
Berta, I know
where you hide your pot.
256
00:10:15,081 --> 00:10:17,015
WALD-E!
257
00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:18,550
No...!
258
00:10:18,552 --> 00:10:21,720
Now, that's how you deal
with a DEA drone.
259
00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:23,188
No!
260
00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:24,923
It's my robot!
261
00:10:24,925 --> 00:10:26,958
I was playing a joke.
262
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,226
Oh.
263
00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:30,061
It was funny.
264
00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:33,798
Oh... oh...
265
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,800
Don't worry, little ro-buddy.
266
00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:37,969
We'll get you on life support.
267
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:41,139
Or tech support.
Oh, he would've loved that joke.
268
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:43,708
I lost the head
of one of my toys once.
269
00:10:43,710 --> 00:10:47,345
Of course, I had to go to the
emergency room to get it out.
270
00:10:48,681 --> 00:10:52,183
Um, listen, I know this
may not be an opportune moment,
271
00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:56,421
but, um, I was wondering,
would you do me the honor of...
272
00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:57,722
being my best man?
273
00:10:57,724 --> 00:11:00,792
Of course. I would have
been hurt if you didn't ask.
274
00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:02,027
Oh, thanks, thanks. Great, man.
275
00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:03,762
Uh, oh, and better get
your speech ready
276
00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:04,863
for the rehearsal dinner.
277
00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:06,398
I'm taking everybody
to Souplantation.
278
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,266
Fingers crossed we all end up
at the same table.
279
00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:09,901
Come on, come on,
come on. We...
280
00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:11,036
we got to go someplace fancier.
281
00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:13,104
Well, I would love to,
but I can't affo...
282
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:14,005
I'll pay for it.
283
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,006
Great. We've got reservations
284
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,341
at 7:30 at La Dolce.
285
00:11:17,076 --> 00:11:19,077
♪ Men. ♪
286
00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:24,349
I would like to make a toast
to the bride and groom.
287
00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:27,352
Um, I don't
look at this
288
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:29,320
as losing a friend
289
00:11:29,322 --> 00:11:32,090
so much as gaining a guest room.
290
00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:36,461
I don't see this as
losing a friend either.
291
00:11:38,130 --> 00:11:40,432
Anyway, uh, to the happy couple.
292
00:11:40,434 --> 00:11:41,699
Uh, Alan,
293
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,701
you're like a brother to me.
294
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:46,204
And, Gretchen,
you...
295
00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:50,442
have a smile that lights up
those around you
296
00:11:50,444 --> 00:11:53,478
and a heart big enough
to let them all in.
297
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:54,612
So...
298
00:11:54,614 --> 00:11:56,081
cheers.
299
00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:58,483
That was so sweet.
300
00:11:58,485 --> 00:11:59,984
Is he gay?
301
00:11:59,986 --> 00:12:03,188
If he was, you think
I'd be with you right now?
302
00:12:03,889 --> 00:12:05,657
♪ Men. ♪
303
00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:08,760
Um, occupied.
304
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:12,497
Ocupado.
305
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:17,569
S-Sprechen Sie poopin.
306
00:12:17,571 --> 00:12:19,437
Alan.
307
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:21,272
Lyndsey?!
308
00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:22,574
I need to talk to you.
309
00:12:22,576 --> 00:12:25,276
You scared the crap out of me.
Literally.
310
00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:26,578
This'll just take a sec.
311
00:12:26,580 --> 00:12:27,712
Wh-What are you doing?
312
00:12:27,714 --> 00:12:29,647
My whole family's here
in the restaurant.
313
00:12:29,649 --> 00:12:32,283
I'm here to say yes.
314
00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:33,818
To what?
315
00:12:33,820 --> 00:12:35,854
Your proposal.
316
00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:37,222
I want to be your wife.
317
00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:40,492
I am yours forever
and ever and ever.
318
00:12:40,494 --> 00:12:43,194
I am crazy for you.
319
00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:45,663
Oh, I don't doubt that.
320
00:12:45,665 --> 00:12:47,098
You know you still want me.
321
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,867
Fate has brought us here
together.
322
00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:50,935
Uh, actually,
my lactose intolerance
323
00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:53,271
has brought us here together.
324
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:56,174
Whatever. It was meant to be.
325
00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:57,408
Um, Lyndsey, Lyndsey,
326
00:12:57,410 --> 00:12:59,911
a-as romantic as this moment is,
327
00:12:59,913 --> 00:13:03,448
um, uh, I-I'm in love
with Gretchen.
328
00:13:04,216 --> 00:13:08,319
What happened to me?
329
00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:10,288
I was the prize.
330
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:13,291
Men were fighting over me.
331
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:17,295
Am I not hot anymore?
332
00:13:19,266 --> 00:13:21,499
Oh, I'm gonna need that.
333
00:13:24,570 --> 00:13:26,237
Here.
334
00:13:26,239 --> 00:13:29,507
They're sanitized
for your protection.
335
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,144
Look, I-I still care
about you and...
336
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,846
Oh, stop it.
337
00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:37,081
I don't want your pity.
338
00:13:37,083 --> 00:13:41,019
I'm gonna get out of here
while I still have my dignity.
339
00:13:46,892 --> 00:13:48,359
Oh, great.
340
00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:51,663
Now everyone at the table's
gonna know I was pooping.
341
00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:55,133
♪ Men. ♪
342
00:13:55,135 --> 00:13:56,734
Hey, Alan,
343
00:13:56,736 --> 00:13:59,537
I have a little surprise
for your big day.
344
00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:01,573
Oh! Cash or check?
345
00:14:01,575 --> 00:14:03,775
I brought Jake to the wedding.
346
00:14:03,777 --> 00:14:05,710
My son. Yes. Yes.
347
00:14:05,712 --> 00:14:07,779
Yes, that's-that's way better
than cash.
348
00:14:07,781 --> 00:14:10,615
Um, uh, where is he?
349
00:14:10,617 --> 00:14:13,318
Hi, Dad.
350
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:15,420
Pull my finger.
351
00:14:19,225 --> 00:14:22,260
Classic Robot Jake.
352
00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:23,962
Alan, can I see you a second?
353
00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:25,597
Oh, did you see Jake came
to the wedding?
354
00:14:25,599 --> 00:14:28,700
Sure, of course. Hello, Jake.
355
00:14:33,906 --> 00:14:35,907
Hey, Larry.
356
00:14:35,909 --> 00:14:37,508
Hey.
357
00:14:37,510 --> 00:14:39,911
You're looking...
pretty pensive.
358
00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:43,047
Oh, thanks, it's a rental.
359
00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:46,351
You look pretty
pensive, too.
360
00:14:46,353 --> 00:14:48,286
Actually...
361
00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:50,154
Thank you.
362
00:14:50,156 --> 00:14:54,592
Uh, hey, I just wanted
to say that it's, um....
363
00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:56,894
it's pretty big of you
to forgive Alan the way you did.
364
00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,830
I mean,
365
00:14:58,832 --> 00:15:01,165
after hearing that he was
still sleeping with Lyndsey
366
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:03,201
when you two
were dating...
367
00:15:04,069 --> 00:15:06,738
...is apparently something
you're hearing
368
00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:08,673
for the first time
right now.
369
00:15:08,675 --> 00:15:10,675
Are you freakin' kidding me?
They were cheating?!
370
00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:11,809
I'll kill him!
371
00:15:11,811 --> 00:15:12,944
Larry, Larry,
372
00:15:12,946 --> 00:15:14,879
I'm sorry.
For what?
373
00:15:14,881 --> 00:15:17,081
This.
374
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:23,788
Okay, let's get this show
on the road!
375
00:15:23,790 --> 00:15:25,990
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What-What's the rush?
376
00:15:25,992 --> 00:15:27,759
Oh, uh,
I accidentally told Larry
377
00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,661
that you and Lyndsey
were cheating on him,
378
00:15:29,663 --> 00:15:32,397
so he wanted to kill you
so I pushed him off the deck.
379
00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:34,399
Let's go! Showtime!
Chop, chop! Come on!
380
00:15:38,971 --> 00:15:40,571
Oh,
381
00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:43,641
wow, so pensive.
382
00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:45,910
Where's my brother?
383
00:15:45,912 --> 00:15:47,145
Oh.
384
00:15:47,147 --> 00:15:48,212
Uh,
385
00:15:48,214 --> 00:15:51,015
he was overcome with emotion.
386
00:15:51,017 --> 00:15:53,818
So he hit the beach.
387
00:15:54,820 --> 00:15:55,953
Uh, but don't worry.
I'm filming it.
388
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,822
Oh, by the way,
if you trip on your dress
389
00:15:57,824 --> 00:16:01,359
and accidentally flash us,
just go with it.
390
00:16:03,062 --> 00:16:04,395
A-All right, honey,
you look beautiful,
391
00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:05,697
but let's move it along, please.
392
00:16:06,965 --> 00:16:09,934
Uh, Jenny, hit it.
393
00:16:09,936 --> 00:16:12,603
"Daughters, mothers, sisters,
we gather here,
394
00:16:12,605 --> 00:16:15,940
safe from the patriarchy and the
oppression of its penises..."
395
00:16:15,942 --> 00:16:17,709
Oh, I really should've
revised this
396
00:16:17,711 --> 00:16:19,177
before doing a straight wedding.
397
00:16:19,179 --> 00:16:22,714
Um, wh-why don't we, uh, skip
to the vows that you guys wrote?
398
00:16:22,716 --> 00:16:24,849
All right. Um...
399
00:16:24,851 --> 00:16:29,487
I, Gretchen, do swear
to honor and cherish you.
400
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:32,323
You asked me to go down
the road of life with you,
401
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:33,891
and I am answering.
402
00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:36,027
I will go down.
403
00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:39,330
That's what she said.
404
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:41,966
And I, Alan, do swear to honor,
405
00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:44,001
cherish and stand behind you
406
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,570
whether things are easy
407
00:16:45,572 --> 00:16:47,171
or things are hard.
408
00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:50,174
That's what he said.
409
00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:52,243
Alan, do you take Gretchen
to be your...
410
00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:53,778
I object!
411
00:16:56,081 --> 00:16:57,081
Lyndsey?
412
00:16:59,485 --> 00:17:01,085
Lyndsey, Lyndsey,
you can't be here.
413
00:17:01,087 --> 00:17:02,987
Aren't I a pretty, pretty bride,
Alan?
414
00:17:02,989 --> 00:17:04,489
Yes.
415
00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:06,824
You look insanely
beautiful.
416
00:17:06,826 --> 00:17:07,892
Uh, now let's
turn you around
417
00:17:07,894 --> 00:17:09,427
and get you in a
cab. How 'bout...
418
00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:11,496
No!
419
00:17:12,164 --> 00:17:14,632
This was supposed to be my day!
420
00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:15,967
My wedding!
421
00:17:15,969 --> 00:17:17,969
My groom!
422
00:17:17,971 --> 00:17:20,571
My f... Wait.
423
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:22,440
Those are my flowers.
424
00:17:22,442 --> 00:17:26,277
That's my food!
425
00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:28,913
Those are my linens.
426
00:17:28,915 --> 00:17:32,683
That's my...
427
00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:35,453
I think
she was gonna say "cake"!
428
00:17:39,958 --> 00:17:42,593
I always liked her.
429
00:17:42,595 --> 00:17:45,596
So, uh...
so where were we?
430
00:17:45,598 --> 00:17:47,165
Gretchen?
431
00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:48,466
Derek?
432
00:17:48,468 --> 00:17:49,333
Who's this guy?
433
00:17:50,669 --> 00:17:51,936
He's my ex-husband.
434
00:17:51,938 --> 00:17:54,539
Oh, come on!
435
00:17:54,541 --> 00:17:56,274
What are you doing here?
436
00:17:56,276 --> 00:17:59,777
Some crazy lady called and said
you were getting married.
437
00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:00,878
Well,
actually,
438
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:02,113
what she said was,
439
00:18:02,115 --> 00:18:03,915
"Gretchen, pretty, pretty brid""
440
00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:07,151
followed by two minutes
of intense vomiting.
441
00:18:07,153 --> 00:18:08,786
Pretty sure
that was her.
442
00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:11,889
Boo-ya!
443
00:18:11,891 --> 00:18:13,558
Gretchen, I know I made
some horrible mistakes.
444
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:15,393
I drank too much,
I wrecked your truck,
445
00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:17,728
I cheated on you
with your best friend.
446
00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:19,664
In your truck.
While I was drunk.
447
00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:21,132
Which is why
I wrecked it.
448
00:18:21,134 --> 00:18:23,367
Lose your dog
and you got a country song.
449
00:18:23,369 --> 00:18:25,903
I wouldn't know.
I'm more into hip-hop.
450
00:18:25,905 --> 00:18:28,239
I miss you, baby.
I want you back.
451
00:18:28,241 --> 00:18:29,340
Hey, Derek,
452
00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:30,408
if you want her back,
453
00:18:30,410 --> 00:18:32,310
you're gonna have
to go through me.
454
00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:33,544
Fine by me.
455
00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:35,213
And him.
456
00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:38,082
Look, seeing you in that
white dress right before
457
00:18:38,084 --> 00:18:40,985
I beat up two goobers
reminds me of our wedding.
458
00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:43,454
But this time the cake's not
in the shape of Dale Jr.,
459
00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:45,423
which is a
huge oversight.
460
00:18:47,359 --> 00:18:49,460
Derek...
461
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,496
You're not actually
considering this, are you?
462
00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:52,864
I don't know. I'm so confused.
463
00:18:52,866 --> 00:18:55,233
I mean, Derek and I have
so much history together.
464
00:18:55,235 --> 00:18:57,201
This is really hard.
465
00:18:57,203 --> 00:18:58,402
That's what she said.
466
00:19:00,707 --> 00:19:03,474
That's what they say.
467
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:07,011
I'm sorry, Alan. I-I at least
have to talk to him.
468
00:19:08,447 --> 00:19:09,580
Gretchen, wait!
469
00:19:09,582 --> 00:19:12,250
It's times like this
a son needs his mother.
470
00:19:12,252 --> 00:19:14,685
I'm gonna slip out
the back.
471
00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:17,555
Serves you right,
you bastard.
472
00:19:17,557 --> 00:19:19,557
I mean, I love you.
473
00:19:19,559 --> 00:19:23,394
Let's work this out.
474
00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:25,663
Best wedding ever!
475
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:28,065
Yep! And I got
the whole thing on...
476
00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:31,869
Aw, crap, I had it on photo.
477
00:19:32,604 --> 00:19:34,972
♪ Men. ♪
478
00:19:41,719 --> 00:19:43,420
How you doing?
479
00:19:43,422 --> 00:19:45,589
I've had better days.
480
00:19:45,591 --> 00:19:48,258
Hey, I'm sorry, buddy.
481
00:19:48,260 --> 00:19:51,561
Later, I'll run
you a Bublé bath.
482
00:19:51,563 --> 00:19:54,231
Thanks.
483
00:19:54,233 --> 00:19:55,899
Gretchen called.
484
00:19:55,901 --> 00:19:57,534
She said it's not over.
485
00:19:57,536 --> 00:19:59,770
She's just sorting things out.
486
00:19:59,772 --> 00:20:01,838
Oh, buddy.
487
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:04,975
"Sorting things out"
is just people's way
488
00:20:04,977 --> 00:20:07,611
of not giving you bad news.
489
00:20:09,247 --> 00:20:11,048
So I take it your...
490
00:20:11,050 --> 00:20:15,118
mom's not gonna give you the
money for your own place?
491
00:20:15,953 --> 00:20:19,122
I'm just sorting
things out.
492
00:20:19,124 --> 00:20:21,458
You know what?
493
00:20:21,460 --> 00:20:23,994
I didn't really want
you to leave anyway.
494
00:20:23,996 --> 00:20:26,196
Aw. Thanks.
495
00:20:27,265 --> 00:20:29,199
Can you believe it?
496
00:20:29,201 --> 00:20:32,436
We're still together,
three years later.
497
00:20:32,438 --> 00:20:33,904
I know.
498
00:20:33,906 --> 00:20:37,407
I thought for sure
it was over when Charlie died.
499
00:20:37,409 --> 00:20:39,609
Thank God I showed up.
500
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:44,748
You're telling me.
Hmm.
501
00:20:44,750 --> 00:20:46,750
I... You know,
I've been so busy lately.
502
00:20:46,752 --> 00:20:48,385
I-I really miss
hanging out with you.
503
00:20:48,387 --> 00:20:50,987
Yeah. Me, too. You know,
we should pick a night
504
00:20:50,989 --> 00:20:53,290
where we just
always get together.
505
00:20:53,292 --> 00:20:56,626
No matter what's going on,
once a week, we just do this.
506
00:20:56,628 --> 00:20:58,395
Okay, I like it.
I like it.
507
00:20:58,397 --> 00:21:00,764
How 'bout, uh, here
every Thursday night?
508
00:21:00,766 --> 00:21:01,932
9:00.
509
00:21:01,934 --> 00:21:02,733
It's a date.
510
00:21:02,735 --> 00:21:04,368
Uh, don't call it a date.
511
00:21:04,370 --> 00:21:07,037
Just call it...
two men hanging out.
512
00:21:07,039 --> 00:21:08,672
Hey.
513
00:21:08,674 --> 00:21:10,540
What about me?
514
00:21:10,542 --> 00:21:13,043
Okay, fine.
Two and a half men.
515
00:21:13,045 --> 00:21:18,045
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
36238
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