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Previously on
Two and a Half Men:
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00:00:02,228 --> 00:00:03,849
Larry, where can
I put this poop?
3
00:00:03,850 --> 00:00:05,283
This is my sister Gretchen.
She just moved here.
4
00:00:05,285 --> 00:00:07,051
Gretchen, this is
Jeff Strongman.
5
00:00:07,053 --> 00:00:08,719
We have a half hour
till I have to go meet Larry.
6
00:00:08,721 --> 00:00:12,023
I really like Gretchen.
I'm-I'm not gonna cheat on her.
7
00:00:12,025 --> 00:00:13,291
Gretchen is coming over tonight.
8
00:00:13,293 --> 00:00:14,992
When I get back,
I don't want to see Gretchen.
9
00:00:14,994 --> 00:00:16,093
You know,
10
00:00:16,095 --> 00:00:17,395
if I had a place to sleep here,
11
00:00:17,397 --> 00:00:19,130
my apartment would be free.
12
00:00:19,132 --> 00:00:21,165
You had me at "free."
13
00:00:21,167 --> 00:00:23,267
♪ Men. ♪
14
00:00:24,871 --> 00:00:27,305
Oh, I'm sorry.
I have to take this.
15
00:00:27,307 --> 00:00:29,807
It's my partner from China.
No problem.
16
00:00:29,809 --> 00:00:31,008
Hello?
17
00:00:31,010 --> 00:00:34,845
Lan mao shi zai wuding shang.
Wow.
18
00:00:34,847 --> 00:00:37,315
No, I'm on hold.
I'm just making stuff up.
19
00:00:44,690 --> 00:00:46,857
Honey, I'm home!
20
00:00:54,433 --> 00:00:56,934
Hi, dear.
21
00:00:59,204 --> 00:01:00,471
How was your
day, darling?
22
00:01:00,473 --> 00:01:02,540
Did you write some
new commercials?
23
00:01:02,542 --> 00:01:04,175
I sure did, Mother.
24
00:01:04,910 --> 00:01:07,111
In six months,
everyone in America
25
00:01:07,113 --> 00:01:09,880
will be smoking
refreshing cigarettes.
26
00:01:09,882 --> 00:01:11,482
Or, as I like
to call them,
27
00:01:11,484 --> 00:01:13,117
healthy flavor sticks.
28
00:01:13,119 --> 00:01:15,886
Kids, your
father's home!
29
00:01:18,725 --> 00:01:20,291
Look at all
my little Schmidts!
30
00:01:20,293 --> 00:01:24,228
And I pushed every one of
those Schmidts out of me.
31
00:01:24,230 --> 00:01:26,764
Hey, kids,
if you eat all your dinner,
32
00:01:26,766 --> 00:01:29,433
Daddy's gonna give
a healthy flavor stick
33
00:01:29,435 --> 00:01:31,936
to each and every one of you.
34
00:01:35,107 --> 00:01:37,274
Hi, Dad.
35
00:01:38,076 --> 00:01:40,945
I clogged
the toilet again.
36
00:01:41,747 --> 00:01:44,682
And I ain't cleanin' it up!
37
00:01:44,684 --> 00:01:47,318
Oh, Berta. Oh, Berta.
Oh, Berta.
38
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:50,154
Walden.
39
00:01:50,156 --> 00:01:52,022
Walden.
40
00:01:52,024 --> 00:01:54,425
Walden?
Oh, s...
41
00:01:54,427 --> 00:01:57,061
Sorry.
I was daydreaming.
42
00:01:57,063 --> 00:02:00,097
We were married,
and we had seven kids,
43
00:02:00,099 --> 00:02:02,066
and they all loved cigarettes.
44
00:02:02,068 --> 00:02:05,536
Okay, that's the last margarita
for you.
45
00:02:05,538 --> 00:02:09,840
So, I have good news
and I have bad news.
46
00:02:09,842 --> 00:02:11,776
Oh. Is the good news
that we're gonna have sex
47
00:02:11,778 --> 00:02:14,912
and the bad news that we can
only do it five times?
48
00:02:14,914 --> 00:02:19,083
The bad news is I have to go
to San Francisco, like, now.
49
00:02:19,085 --> 00:02:20,151
Wow.
50
00:02:20,153 --> 00:02:21,118
And the good news is,
51
00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:22,586
once I take care
of this business,
52
00:02:22,588 --> 00:02:24,955
I can stay here
for a few more days.
53
00:02:24,957 --> 00:02:28,125
Hmm, then I can take care
of your bidness.
54
00:02:28,127 --> 00:02:30,127
Oh, hey, Kate.
55
00:02:31,229 --> 00:02:33,697
I see you're still
as beautiful as ever.
56
00:02:33,699 --> 00:02:34,999
Alan.
57
00:02:35,001 --> 00:02:38,102
I see you're still as...
here as ever.
58
00:02:38,104 --> 00:02:40,404
So we're both doing well.
59
00:02:40,406 --> 00:02:42,603
Okay, I got to go pack my stuff
so I can leave.
60
00:02:42,628 --> 00:02:43,141
Mmm.
61
00:02:43,142 --> 00:02:48,012
I'll take "phrases Alan Harper
will never say" for $500.
62
00:02:48,014 --> 00:02:49,280
She's leaving already?
63
00:02:49,282 --> 00:02:50,681
Oh, I hope she doesn't
use that bathroom.
64
00:02:50,683 --> 00:02:52,683
I clogged the
toilet again.
65
00:02:52,685 --> 00:02:54,919
No, she's only gone
for a couple days.
66
00:02:54,921 --> 00:02:57,221
And then I'm gonna ask her
to marry me.
67
00:02:57,223 --> 00:02:58,189
Wait, married?
68
00:02:58,191 --> 00:02:59,657
Well, isn't that
a little fast?
69
00:02:59,659 --> 00:03:01,225
Walden, you're always jumping
70
00:03:01,227 --> 00:03:02,359
into these kind of things,
71
00:03:02,361 --> 00:03:03,761
and you...
You can still live here.
72
00:03:03,763 --> 00:03:05,563
Mazel tov!
73
00:03:05,565 --> 00:03:07,431
♪ Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men ♪
74
00:03:07,433 --> 00:03:08,964
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
75
00:03:08,965 --> 00:03:12,965
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x19 ♪
Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang
Original Air Date on April 10, 2014
76
00:03:12,966 --> 00:03:17,966
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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♪ Men. ♪
78
00:03:20,629 --> 00:03:22,662
Hey. Hi.
Hey.
79
00:03:22,664 --> 00:03:23,730
What you guys doing?
80
00:03:23,732 --> 00:03:25,332
I am taking Jenny to the movies.
81
00:03:25,334 --> 00:03:26,833
Okay, you're
not taking me.
82
00:03:26,835 --> 00:03:29,369
Taking me implies
we're going on a date.
83
00:03:29,371 --> 00:03:31,171
I'm a lesbian. If
anything, I'm taking you
84
00:03:31,173 --> 00:03:34,107
'cause you can't get into an
R-rated movie by yourself.
85
00:03:34,942 --> 00:03:36,943
Hey. Hold on.
Uh, before you go,
86
00:03:36,945 --> 00:03:38,145
which one
of these engagement rings
87
00:03:38,147 --> 00:03:39,346
do you think Kate would like?
88
00:03:39,348 --> 00:03:41,181
W... what?
89
00:03:41,183 --> 00:03:42,516
You're gonna ask her
to marry you?
90
00:03:42,518 --> 00:03:44,384
She's only been back
for one day.
91
00:03:44,386 --> 00:03:46,253
Yeah. She's the one.
92
00:03:46,255 --> 00:03:49,623
Do you know how rare
it is to meet the one?
93
00:03:49,625 --> 00:03:53,226
Let alone have it happen
every six months?
94
00:03:53,228 --> 00:03:54,928
No, no. This is...
this is different.
95
00:03:54,930 --> 00:03:58,031
I-I am... really in love
with Kate.
96
00:03:58,033 --> 00:03:59,699
Okay, I really love
my life-size anime doll,
97
00:03:59,701 --> 00:04:01,801
but it would be a little weird
if I married it.
98
00:04:02,603 --> 00:04:04,804
Right?
99
00:04:06,741 --> 00:04:10,544
Look, Walden, you're in love
with being in love.
100
00:04:10,546 --> 00:04:12,712
You live like you're
in a romantic comedy.
101
00:04:12,714 --> 00:04:15,282
You know who's gonna play you
in the movie about your life?
102
00:04:15,284 --> 00:04:17,250
Julia Roberts.
103
00:04:18,519 --> 00:04:22,822
Just... do what my dad did.
Don't buy the cow if you can get
104
00:04:22,824 --> 00:04:25,992
the lactating stripper to
give you the milk for free.
105
00:04:27,061 --> 00:04:28,795
Come on, Barry,
let's go.
106
00:04:28,797 --> 00:04:30,897
You know who would play me
and you in the movie?
107
00:04:30,899 --> 00:04:32,465
Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.
108
00:04:32,467 --> 00:04:35,302
I'll be either one.
109
00:04:40,007 --> 00:04:42,209
Hey, Charlie.
110
00:04:42,211 --> 00:04:45,312
It's me, Walden.
111
00:04:45,314 --> 00:04:50,817
We... never met, but I'm the guy
who took your place.
112
00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:56,089
Thanks for giving up your house.
113
00:04:56,091 --> 00:05:00,160
I guess you didn't really
give it up-- you died.
114
00:05:00,162 --> 00:05:04,231
You'd have to be on crack
to give up all this.
115
00:05:08,569 --> 00:05:10,604
Anyway, I...
116
00:05:10,606 --> 00:05:11,972
Is Jenny right?
117
00:05:11,974 --> 00:05:16,576
I mean, do I fall in love
too fast?
118
00:05:16,578 --> 00:05:18,378
Come on, Charlie,
119
00:05:18,380 --> 00:05:20,080
talk to me.
120
00:05:20,082 --> 00:05:22,649
At least show me a sign.
121
00:05:22,651 --> 00:05:24,918
Yeah.
122
00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:26,920
That's what I thought.
123
00:05:35,763 --> 00:05:38,164
♪ Men. ♪
124
00:05:38,166 --> 00:05:40,567
Here, try my
famous guacamole.
125
00:05:40,569 --> 00:05:41,735
Oh, what makes it famous?
126
00:05:41,737 --> 00:05:42,702
I don't know. It's...
127
00:05:42,704 --> 00:05:44,170
really good
and everybody likes it.
128
00:05:44,172 --> 00:05:46,172
I didn't think
you'd actually call me on it.
129
00:05:46,174 --> 00:05:48,174
Do you have any
famous recipes?
130
00:05:48,176 --> 00:05:51,511
Well, there's the-the Strongman
family meatloaf.
131
00:05:51,513 --> 00:05:52,979
You'll have to make that for me.
132
00:05:52,981 --> 00:05:54,614
Uh, the recipe died
with my grandmother.
133
00:05:54,639 --> 00:05:55,216
Oh.
134
00:05:55,217 --> 00:05:57,217
We'd always say,
"Write it down, write it down."
135
00:05:57,219 --> 00:05:59,586
- And she'd say...
- "Tomorrow."
136
00:05:59,588 --> 00:06:02,455
One day, your tomorrows
run out.
137
00:06:02,457 --> 00:06:04,991
Oh, Nana Strongman.
Aw.
138
00:06:04,993 --> 00:06:07,627
Every day, I learn something new
about my Jeff.
139
00:06:07,629 --> 00:06:09,362
You and me both.
140
00:06:09,364 --> 00:06:11,598
I wish we could be
together every day.
141
00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:13,033
Oh, what would that be like?
142
00:06:13,035 --> 00:06:14,467
Well, let's put it this way:
143
00:06:14,469 --> 00:06:17,570
The Strongman meat
would not be loafing.
144
00:06:17,572 --> 00:06:18,905
Move in with me.
145
00:06:18,907 --> 00:06:20,240
Seriously?
146
00:06:20,242 --> 00:06:21,841
You make this place a home.
147
00:06:21,843 --> 00:06:23,877
When you're not here,
this apartment feels
148
00:06:23,879 --> 00:06:25,779
like it belongs
to somebody else.
149
00:06:27,448 --> 00:06:28,848
So what do you say?
150
00:06:28,850 --> 00:06:30,050
I say yes.
151
00:06:30,052 --> 00:06:31,818
Oh, my God, that's great!
152
00:06:31,820 --> 00:06:34,187
But I insist
on paying half the rent.
153
00:06:34,189 --> 00:06:35,388
I love you.
154
00:06:36,357 --> 00:06:37,724
Cash only.
155
00:06:39,226 --> 00:06:41,961
♪ Men. ♪
156
00:06:43,097 --> 00:06:44,064
Can I help you?
157
00:06:44,066 --> 00:06:45,532
Hey, sorry to bother you. I...
158
00:06:45,534 --> 00:06:47,767
I've been hiking all day, and
I saw you had a hose out here,
159
00:06:47,769 --> 00:06:50,070
and I was wondering if I could
fill up my water bottle.
160
00:06:50,072 --> 00:06:52,739
I have a hose?
161
00:06:53,574 --> 00:06:54,741
Yeah.
162
00:06:54,743 --> 00:06:56,142
Bottom of the stairs.
163
00:06:56,144 --> 00:06:57,477
Good for me.
164
00:06:57,479 --> 00:07:01,081
Uh, I... actually, I have
filtered water in the kitchen.
165
00:07:01,083 --> 00:07:03,483
Oh, I kind of had my heart set
on dirty hose water,
166
00:07:03,485 --> 00:07:05,418
but if you insist.
167
00:07:14,462 --> 00:07:16,396
Should I...
168
00:07:17,131 --> 00:07:18,732
I'm sorry, what?
169
00:07:18,734 --> 00:07:20,500
Sh-Should I wipe my feet?
170
00:07:20,502 --> 00:07:21,534
I-I don't want
171
00:07:21,536 --> 00:07:23,403
to track beach sand into your...
172
00:07:25,639 --> 00:07:27,006
...house sand?
173
00:07:27,008 --> 00:07:28,908
Oh, no. That's-that's not sand.
174
00:07:28,910 --> 00:07:31,778
That's the remains of the guy
who used to live here.
175
00:07:33,848 --> 00:07:35,349
You know what, maybe I'll just
use the hose outside. It's fine.
176
00:07:35,374 --> 00:07:36,584
No, no, no, no.
177
00:07:36,585 --> 00:07:38,585
No, it's not like that.
He gets spilled all the time.
178
00:07:38,587 --> 00:07:41,521
At this point, he's mostly lint.
I'm Walden.
179
00:07:41,523 --> 00:07:43,957
Vivian.
180
00:07:43,959 --> 00:07:45,658
That's a beautiful name.
181
00:07:45,660 --> 00:07:48,661
Thank you. My parents got it
from that '70s show.
182
00:07:50,264 --> 00:07:52,732
What was it called? Maude.
183
00:07:52,734 --> 00:07:54,167
Ah.
Yeah.
184
00:07:54,169 --> 00:07:56,269
Wow, this is...
185
00:07:56,271 --> 00:07:58,805
this is quite a place.
186
00:07:58,807 --> 00:08:00,640
Your desk is backwards.
187
00:08:00,642 --> 00:08:02,375
Excuse me?
188
00:08:02,377 --> 00:08:04,711
Well, you have this
beautiful view of the ocean,
189
00:08:04,713 --> 00:08:07,580
and yet your desk
is facing the wall with...
190
00:08:07,582 --> 00:08:10,016
a picture of the ocean on it.
191
00:08:10,018 --> 00:08:13,553
Yeah. It's... actually,
it's-it's the Atlantic.
192
00:08:20,294 --> 00:08:22,028
It's an inside joke.
193
00:08:23,063 --> 00:08:26,032
For myself.
194
00:08:28,270 --> 00:08:30,470
Uh, you know what,
I better fill up and get going.
195
00:08:30,472 --> 00:08:32,939
But it's, like... it's really
starting to come down out there.
196
00:08:32,941 --> 00:08:35,275
It's just a little water.
I'm not gonna melt.
197
00:08:35,277 --> 00:08:38,411
It's not like I'm
the Wicked Witch of the West.
198
00:08:38,413 --> 00:08:40,747
I mean, you could wait it out
here if you want.
199
00:08:40,749 --> 00:08:42,282
We could have dinner together.
200
00:08:42,284 --> 00:08:44,417
I'll-I'll order delivery.
201
00:08:44,419 --> 00:08:45,585
Really?
202
00:08:45,587 --> 00:08:47,620
Wow. Uh, yeah.
203
00:08:47,622 --> 00:08:48,955
That'd be great.
204
00:08:48,957 --> 00:08:50,190
Great.
Okay.
205
00:08:50,192 --> 00:08:53,026
Thank you.
206
00:08:53,028 --> 00:08:55,295
You know, I-I got to ask,
do you always invite strangers
207
00:08:55,297 --> 00:08:56,329
into your home?
208
00:08:56,331 --> 00:08:59,032
Oh, no.
Usually they invite themselves.
209
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:01,401
♪ Men. ♪
210
00:09:01,403 --> 00:09:04,137
I am so excited to
move in with you.
211
00:09:04,139 --> 00:09:05,405
Hey, on top of paying
half the rent,
212
00:09:05,407 --> 00:09:07,240
I insist on paying
half the utilities.
213
00:09:07,242 --> 00:09:09,809
Thank you. By the way,
there's also a security deposit,
214
00:09:09,811 --> 00:09:11,444
a cleaning deposit
and the groceries
215
00:09:11,446 --> 00:09:14,180
you've already eaten half of.
But we'll figure that out later.
216
00:09:14,182 --> 00:09:16,716
We're gonna have so much fun.
217
00:09:16,718 --> 00:09:18,751
Oh. Oh. If this is gonna get
any more physical,
218
00:09:18,753 --> 00:09:20,086
I got to go freshen up.
219
00:09:20,088 --> 00:09:21,421
You mean poop?
220
00:09:21,423 --> 00:09:23,456
I love you so much.
221
00:09:26,126 --> 00:09:28,061
Oh, hey, if, uh,
the pizza guy shows up,
222
00:09:28,063 --> 00:09:29,262
I don't have any money.
223
00:09:29,264 --> 00:09:30,730
Hey, that's my line!
224
00:09:30,732 --> 00:09:34,734
My wallet's on the counter.
Thanks.
225
00:09:36,504 --> 00:09:42,775
Wait...!
226
00:09:42,777 --> 00:09:45,445
Who's Alan Harper?
227
00:09:45,447 --> 00:09:48,715
A guy who no longer has to poop.
228
00:09:49,450 --> 00:09:51,084
♪ Men. ♪
229
00:09:51,086 --> 00:09:52,886
So, what's your deal,
Walden?
230
00:09:52,888 --> 00:09:57,557
Good-looking guy, rich,
Malibu beach house.
231
00:09:57,559 --> 00:10:00,560
I bet you only date
hot actresses.
232
00:10:00,562 --> 00:10:03,930
God, no.
I'd never date an actress.
233
00:10:05,232 --> 00:10:06,499
They're all crazy.
234
00:10:06,501 --> 00:10:09,269
I'm sure they're not all crazy.
235
00:10:09,271 --> 00:10:11,671
Trust me. They are.
236
00:10:11,673 --> 00:10:13,506
I don't get
this whole fascination
237
00:10:13,508 --> 00:10:15,074
with celebrities anyway.
238
00:10:15,076 --> 00:10:17,710
I mean, who cares
who's dating whom
239
00:10:17,712 --> 00:10:19,445
or who's engaged to who
240
00:10:19,447 --> 00:10:24,417
or who has a sex tape
that no one will ever, ever see?
241
00:10:25,519 --> 00:10:27,654
I know. But I have to say
242
00:10:27,656 --> 00:10:30,056
I am a sucker for anything
having to do
243
00:10:30,058 --> 00:10:31,824
with Brangelina or Kimye.
244
00:10:31,826 --> 00:10:33,693
Yeah, I have no idea
what that means.
245
00:10:33,695 --> 00:10:36,095
I thought we were eating Kimye.
246
00:10:36,097 --> 00:10:38,531
What, have you been hiding under
a rock for the last few years?
247
00:10:38,533 --> 00:10:40,500
No, but I have climbed a few.
248
00:10:40,502 --> 00:10:42,335
I was a Sherpa in Nepal.
249
00:10:42,337 --> 00:10:43,570
Yeah.
And I...
250
00:10:43,572 --> 00:10:45,171
I drove cattle in Argentina.
251
00:10:45,173 --> 00:10:47,807
And I, uh... Oh, I used
to give safari tours in Africa.
252
00:10:47,809 --> 00:10:51,377
And, once, I was an assistant
manager at a Hot Dog on a Stick
253
00:10:51,379 --> 00:10:52,445
in Pittsburgh.
254
00:10:52,447 --> 00:10:53,813
I love hot dogs.
255
00:10:55,216 --> 00:10:57,250
I've never even thought
about doing stuff like that.
256
00:10:57,252 --> 00:10:58,851
I mean, although I did
257
00:10:58,853 --> 00:11:02,922
once sit in the splash section
at SeaWorld without a poncho.
258
00:11:02,924 --> 00:11:06,192
Well, then you'd be perfect
for my next adventure.
259
00:11:06,194 --> 00:11:08,661
Crewing on a sailboat
to Polynesia.
260
00:11:08,663 --> 00:11:10,463
Wow.
261
00:11:10,465 --> 00:11:12,632
A sailboat to Polynesia.
262
00:11:17,805 --> 00:11:21,207
So what island do you
want to hit first?
263
00:11:21,209 --> 00:11:22,875
As long as we're together,
264
00:11:22,877 --> 00:11:24,811
it doesn't matter.
265
00:11:30,417 --> 00:11:32,018
That was a close one.
266
00:11:32,020 --> 00:11:33,853
I barely caught you guys.
267
00:11:34,888 --> 00:11:36,222
I'm still living
with you, right?
268
00:11:36,224 --> 00:11:38,391
Whoa...
269
00:11:44,665 --> 00:11:46,599
Walden.
270
00:11:46,601 --> 00:11:49,068
Walden.
Huh?
271
00:11:49,070 --> 00:11:50,870
Which one do you want?
272
00:11:50,872 --> 00:11:53,039
Right now I want both.
273
00:11:53,041 --> 00:11:55,408
Oh, here.
274
00:11:56,243 --> 00:11:58,044
Oh.
275
00:11:59,013 --> 00:12:02,181
"A new love awaits you."
276
00:12:03,751 --> 00:12:05,051
Wow.
277
00:12:06,053 --> 00:12:09,355
Mine says,
"Try our gluten-free wontons."
278
00:12:10,958 --> 00:12:12,458
♪ Men. ♪
279
00:12:12,460 --> 00:12:16,796
Okay, uh, you asked, uh,
"Who is Alan Harper""
280
00:12:16,798 --> 00:12:19,198
And you deserve
the truth.
281
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:20,900
My real name is Alan Harper.
282
00:12:20,902 --> 00:12:23,636
I-I used to date Lyndsey,
but when she broke up with me,
283
00:12:23,638 --> 00:12:25,238
I wanted to meet
her new boyfriend, Larry,
284
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:27,140
but I didn't want him
to know that it was me,
285
00:12:27,142 --> 00:12:28,508
so I created a fake persona,
Jeff Strongman,
286
00:12:28,510 --> 00:12:30,176
but then Larry and I
became real friends,
287
00:12:30,178 --> 00:12:31,911
and then you came along,
and I really liked you,
288
00:12:31,913 --> 00:12:33,880
and everything was perfect
until you picked up my wallet
289
00:12:33,882 --> 00:12:36,115
to pay for the pizza,
which reinforces my one rule:
290
00:12:36,117 --> 00:12:38,918
"Never offer
to pay for anything!"
291
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:44,624
Wow. So nothing I know
about you is real?
292
00:12:44,626 --> 00:12:45,792
My-my feelings for you are real.
293
00:12:45,794 --> 00:12:47,560
And I was telling the truth
when I said
294
00:12:47,562 --> 00:12:48,861
I wanted you to live with me.
295
00:12:48,863 --> 00:12:50,463
What about your son?
296
00:12:50,465 --> 00:12:52,165
Oh, oh, that-that wasn't a lie.
297
00:12:52,167 --> 00:12:54,500
I have a son,
just not the guy you met.
298
00:12:54,502 --> 00:12:56,669
M.I.T.?
299
00:12:56,671 --> 00:12:57,570
L.I.E.
300
00:12:57,572 --> 00:12:58,938
Anything else?
301
00:12:58,940 --> 00:13:03,176
I take regular condoms, and I
put them in the Magnum box.
302
00:13:03,178 --> 00:13:06,245
Yeah, I kind of figured that.
303
00:13:07,548 --> 00:13:09,082
All right, good-bye, Jeff.
304
00:13:09,084 --> 00:13:10,616
Alan. Whatever your name is.
305
00:13:10,618 --> 00:13:12,385
Please, Gretchen, Gretchen,
don't go, don't go.
306
00:13:12,387 --> 00:13:13,820
I really do care
for you. Oh!
307
00:13:13,822 --> 00:13:16,255
Gretchen, come back!
308
00:13:16,257 --> 00:13:18,591
You have the pizza coupon!
309
00:13:18,593 --> 00:13:20,460
♪ Men. ♪
310
00:13:27,071 --> 00:13:29,239
♪ Men. ♪
311
00:13:30,541 --> 00:13:33,109
Wow, look at you.
312
00:13:33,111 --> 00:13:37,146
Now you can look at the ocean
and watch porn at the same time.
313
00:13:37,148 --> 00:13:40,216
Oh, I don't like looking
at naked women.
314
00:13:40,951 --> 00:13:42,919
That didn't
come out right.
315
00:13:42,921 --> 00:13:45,455
I use this computer
for work.
316
00:13:45,457 --> 00:13:47,624
In fact, it's what paid
for this view.
317
00:13:47,626 --> 00:13:49,158
This view is free.
318
00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:52,729
Everything you say
is like a bumper sticker.
319
00:13:54,331 --> 00:13:57,333
Well, I'm just gonna
keep on truckin', then!
320
00:13:57,335 --> 00:13:59,969
Hey, don't forget to coexist.
321
00:14:01,906 --> 00:14:03,473
You know, it's with all
the religious symbols?
322
00:14:03,475 --> 00:14:05,708
The star of David
and the fish.
323
00:14:05,710 --> 00:14:07,610
It's a bumper sticker.
Never mind.
324
00:14:07,612 --> 00:14:09,646
All right, where-where...
where you headed?
325
00:14:09,648 --> 00:14:11,514
Carbon Canyon tonight,
and then the...
326
00:14:11,516 --> 00:14:14,117
the road is open,
and so is my mind.
327
00:14:14,119 --> 00:14:17,687
Ooh, that could be
a bumper sticker.
328
00:14:17,689 --> 00:14:20,323
Hey, uh, why don't you give me
your number?
329
00:14:20,325 --> 00:14:21,824
We'll have to stay in touch.
330
00:14:21,826 --> 00:14:24,294
I don't have a phone.
331
00:14:24,296 --> 00:14:26,296
That is awesome.
332
00:14:27,665 --> 00:14:31,267
So I guess this is good-bye.
333
00:14:31,269 --> 00:14:32,769
I-I guess so.
334
00:14:32,771 --> 00:14:35,471
Hey, thanks for letting me
crash on your couch
335
00:14:35,473 --> 00:14:36,973
and for the hot shower.
336
00:14:36,975 --> 00:14:39,142
By the way, your staff
is so attentive.
337
00:14:39,144 --> 00:14:41,678
I mean, that Barry kid
checked up on me,
338
00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:44,480
like, five times
during the night.
339
00:14:47,885 --> 00:14:49,719
All right, you know,
340
00:14:49,721 --> 00:14:53,756
I-I don't usually say this
to people in this house, but...
341
00:14:53,758 --> 00:14:56,859
if you want,
you can stay longer.
342
00:14:59,063 --> 00:15:00,997
You're very sweet, Walden,
343
00:15:00,999 --> 00:15:03,066
but, uh, I gotta get going.
344
00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:04,367
Enjoy your view.
345
00:15:08,005 --> 00:15:09,072
Hey, Vivian.
346
00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:10,073
Yeah?
347
00:15:10,075 --> 00:15:11,541
Are you gonna be okay?
348
00:15:11,543 --> 00:15:13,443
Yeah, I'll be fine.
349
00:15:13,445 --> 00:15:15,545
I mean, this is...
this is what I do.
350
00:15:15,547 --> 00:15:17,480
Okay.
351
00:15:18,549 --> 00:15:20,049
Walden?
352
00:15:22,486 --> 00:15:23,553
Yeah?
353
00:15:23,555 --> 00:15:24,854
Are you gonna be okay?
354
00:15:24,856 --> 00:15:27,790
I do...
355
00:15:27,792 --> 00:15:30,426
think I'm gonna be okay.
356
00:15:30,428 --> 00:15:33,796
♪ Men. ♪
357
00:15:33,798 --> 00:15:37,900
Okay, I think I, uh,
got all my stuff.
358
00:15:37,902 --> 00:15:39,335
Okay, that is my lamp.
359
00:15:39,337 --> 00:15:42,505
Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah,
but I put a new bulb in it.
360
00:15:43,907 --> 00:15:45,742
So, you know, I'll just wait
till this one blows out,
361
00:15:45,744 --> 00:15:47,076
then I'll shoot it
right back to you.
362
00:15:47,078 --> 00:15:48,811
Okay. Or...
363
00:16:01,091 --> 00:16:03,192
I'll be back for you.
364
00:16:05,963 --> 00:16:07,030
Gretchen?
365
00:16:07,032 --> 00:16:08,231
I'm glad you're here.
366
00:16:08,233 --> 00:16:09,799
I realized the only thing
367
00:16:09,801 --> 00:16:12,502
I actually know about you
is where you live.
368
00:16:12,504 --> 00:16:13,936
Well...
369
00:16:13,938 --> 00:16:16,439
Oh, my God, is everything
about you a lie?
370
00:16:16,441 --> 00:16:17,740
Are you even cheap?
371
00:16:17,742 --> 00:16:19,008
I am cheap.
372
00:16:19,010 --> 00:16:21,677
Two of the four windows
in my car are garbage bags.
373
00:16:21,679 --> 00:16:23,212
Look... look, I know
374
00:16:23,214 --> 00:16:25,314
I was an idiot,
but-but what I said before
375
00:16:25,316 --> 00:16:27,583
about how much I care about you,
I-I meant that.
376
00:16:27,585 --> 00:16:28,751
But... you know,
377
00:16:28,753 --> 00:16:30,953
I-I understand if you want
nothing to do with me.
378
00:16:30,955 --> 00:16:32,255
That's why I'm here.
379
00:16:32,257 --> 00:16:34,524
Look, I made my share
of mistakes
380
00:16:34,526 --> 00:16:35,725
when my husband left me.
381
00:16:35,727 --> 00:16:37,193
I know how hurtful it can be.
382
00:16:37,195 --> 00:16:39,028
I know how crazy you can become.
383
00:16:39,030 --> 00:16:42,665
I mean, I'm sure you Googled me
and saw my mug shots online.
384
00:16:42,667 --> 00:16:45,068
Uh, no. Um...
385
00:16:45,070 --> 00:16:46,669
Well, don't freak out.
I was innocent.
386
00:16:46,671 --> 00:16:49,472
According to the state
of Illinois.
387
00:16:49,474 --> 00:16:51,574
The point is,
388
00:16:51,576 --> 00:16:53,209
we all have secrets.
389
00:16:53,211 --> 00:16:56,245
So, are you saying that we can
get back together?
390
00:16:56,247 --> 00:16:59,682
I'm saying I would like
to break up with Jeff Strongman
391
00:16:59,684 --> 00:17:02,085
and get to know Alan Harper.
392
00:17:02,087 --> 00:17:04,153
Really? Oh, that's great.
393
00:17:04,155 --> 00:17:07,824
But-but first, I'd like
one last moment with Jeff.
394
00:17:07,826 --> 00:17:08,825
Jeff?
395
00:17:08,827 --> 00:17:10,693
Yes?
Screw you.
396
00:17:10,695 --> 00:17:12,328
Oh, God!
397
00:17:14,232 --> 00:17:16,632
Oh, are you okay, Alan?
398
00:17:19,937 --> 00:17:21,804
♪ Men. ♪
399
00:17:21,806 --> 00:17:22,839
Hey, you.
400
00:17:22,841 --> 00:17:25,341
Hey, you're back.
401
00:17:25,343 --> 00:17:29,479
So, I've got good news
and I've got great news.
402
00:17:29,481 --> 00:17:31,647
The good news is,
I did work it out
403
00:17:31,649 --> 00:17:33,216
so I could stay a few more days.
404
00:17:33,218 --> 00:17:35,151
Oh.
And the great news is,
405
00:17:35,153 --> 00:17:37,553
I took my underwear off
in the car.
406
00:17:41,558 --> 00:17:43,526
Hey, um...
407
00:17:46,430 --> 00:17:49,398
Listen, we need...
we need to talk.
408
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,100
Awfully serious for someone
409
00:17:51,102 --> 00:17:53,569
who just got hit in the face
with a thong.
410
00:17:53,571 --> 00:17:55,872
Here's the thing.
411
00:17:57,074 --> 00:17:59,142
While you were gone,
I met someone.
412
00:17:59,144 --> 00:18:00,776
What?
413
00:18:00,778 --> 00:18:02,879
I mean, nothing happened
physically.
414
00:18:02,881 --> 00:18:06,649
It's just, I can't stop thinking
about her,
415
00:18:06,651 --> 00:18:09,051
and it's made me question
everything,
416
00:18:09,053 --> 00:18:10,486
including my sanity
417
00:18:10,488 --> 00:18:13,156
and my interior
decorating instincts.
418
00:18:13,158 --> 00:18:16,993
Are you saying that you want
to be with this girl now?
419
00:18:16,995 --> 00:18:18,427
I don't know what I want.
420
00:18:18,429 --> 00:18:20,897
I just, I know I have
to pursue this.
421
00:18:20,899 --> 00:18:22,698
Wow.
422
00:18:22,700 --> 00:18:25,201
I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.
423
00:18:25,203 --> 00:18:26,736
I-I never meant to hurt you.
424
00:18:26,738 --> 00:18:28,404
I don't feel the same.
425
00:18:31,575 --> 00:18:34,210
♪ Men. ♪
426
00:18:37,014 --> 00:18:38,114
Hi.
427
00:18:38,116 --> 00:18:39,115
Hi-ya!
428
00:18:44,588 --> 00:18:46,022
Oh...
429
00:18:46,024 --> 00:18:48,925
Oh, they had just
dropped back down!
430
00:18:48,927 --> 00:18:51,227
Walden, what are you doing here?
431
00:18:53,131 --> 00:18:58,401
Remember how you asked me
if I was gonna be okay?
432
00:18:59,136 --> 00:19:01,270
I don't think I am.
433
00:19:01,272 --> 00:19:03,940
Is it because I just kicked you
in the balls?
434
00:19:03,942 --> 00:19:05,441
There's that.
435
00:19:05,443 --> 00:19:09,979
Uh, but before I met you,
436
00:19:09,981 --> 00:19:13,549
I was very close to asking
another woman to marry me.
437
00:19:15,219 --> 00:19:16,786
But then I didn't...
438
00:19:16,788 --> 00:19:18,387
because I couldn't stop thinking
of you.
439
00:19:18,389 --> 00:19:23,759
So, you came here to tell me
that you dumped your girlfriend,
440
00:19:23,761 --> 00:19:27,463
sweep me off my feet,
and the two of us would,
441
00:19:27,465 --> 00:19:30,600
what, sail off
into the sunset together?
442
00:19:34,137 --> 00:19:35,638
Yes?
443
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:37,306
You don't even know me.
444
00:19:37,308 --> 00:19:41,410
Okay... I know you enough
445
00:19:41,412 --> 00:19:43,613
to know that I want
to know you more.
446
00:19:43,615 --> 00:19:45,014
Walden, stop it.
447
00:19:45,016 --> 00:19:47,984
I'm just a stranger who wanted
to drink from your hose.
448
00:19:49,620 --> 00:19:51,921
Okay, that didn't... that didn't
really come out right.
449
00:19:51,923 --> 00:19:53,289
Look, I know
I don't know you
450
00:19:53,291 --> 00:19:54,557
very well, but I feel like
451
00:19:54,559 --> 00:19:56,659
you're the type of guy
who falls in love easily.
452
00:19:56,661 --> 00:20:00,029
You know me perfectly!
That's exactly who I am.
453
00:20:00,031 --> 00:20:01,864
I... look, we're soul mates.
454
00:20:01,866 --> 00:20:03,899
Soul mates aren't made in a day.
455
00:20:03,901 --> 00:20:06,836
Oh, that's another
great bumper sticker.
456
00:20:06,838 --> 00:20:09,105
Walden, you're a great guy,
457
00:20:09,107 --> 00:20:11,807
but we lead
two very different lives.
458
00:20:11,809 --> 00:20:13,743
Did I mention
that I have a plane
459
00:20:13,745 --> 00:20:15,945
and I can take you anywhere
you want to go?
460
00:20:15,947 --> 00:20:19,915
Do you see?
You want to fly over everything.
461
00:20:19,917 --> 00:20:22,051
For you, it's all about
the destination.
462
00:20:22,053 --> 00:20:24,820
For me, the journey
is the destination.
463
00:20:24,822 --> 00:20:27,556
Okay, are you writing
these down?
464
00:20:29,660 --> 00:20:31,827
Go home, Walden.
465
00:20:36,434 --> 00:20:38,100
But I-I walked
four miles to get here
466
00:20:38,102 --> 00:20:40,436
in the dark.
In the woods!
467
00:20:40,438 --> 00:20:43,606
I don't even know
if I can find my way home.
468
00:20:43,608 --> 00:20:46,409
Maybe I should just stay
with you.
469
00:20:51,883 --> 00:20:53,382
Ah, dude, there's your car.
470
00:20:54,384 --> 00:20:55,985
♪ Men. ♪
471
00:21:01,842 --> 00:21:03,343
♪ Men. ♪
472
00:21:03,345 --> 00:21:04,877
Here you go, sweetie.
473
00:21:04,879 --> 00:21:06,212
Thank you.
474
00:21:10,384 --> 00:21:12,552
I'm so sorry
I freaked out on you.
475
00:21:12,554 --> 00:21:14,153
It's not your fault.
476
00:21:14,155 --> 00:21:16,322
I should've known better.
477
00:21:16,324 --> 00:21:17,990
I'm sorry, too.
478
00:21:17,992 --> 00:21:19,959
I should have never let you go.
479
00:21:21,695 --> 00:21:23,529
Well, you're both here now...
480
00:21:23,531 --> 00:21:25,865
and I'm ready to enjoy the view.
481
00:21:25,867 --> 00:21:28,301
You want us to kiss, Walden?
482
00:21:28,303 --> 00:21:31,304
Yeah, kiss each other.
483
00:21:34,641 --> 00:21:35,708
Do it.
484
00:21:35,710 --> 00:21:37,543
Kiss each other.
485
00:21:39,885 --> 00:21:41,419
Well, it is his house.
486
00:21:41,421 --> 00:21:46,421
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
34281
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