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1
00:00:01,865 --> 00:00:03,166
♪ Men. ♪
2
00:00:03,168 --> 00:00:05,719
So, Marty, uh,
what are we celebrating?
3
00:00:05,721 --> 00:00:07,554
My prostate exam.
4
00:00:08,372 --> 00:00:11,207
Doctor gave me a thumbs up.
5
00:00:11,209 --> 00:00:13,543
At least it felt like a thumb.
6
00:00:13,545 --> 00:00:15,395
Well, I'm glad to hear
you're in good health.
7
00:00:15,397 --> 00:00:18,548
Yes, he said I could live
another ten years
8
00:00:18,550 --> 00:00:20,066
if I give up alcohol.
9
00:00:20,068 --> 00:00:21,634
Yeah, but you're
drinking Scotch.
10
00:00:21,636 --> 00:00:23,253
He had a finger up my keister.
11
00:00:23,255 --> 00:00:24,604
What, am I gonna argue?
12
00:00:26,407 --> 00:00:28,108
It's true; he never complains
when I put my...
13
00:00:29,394 --> 00:00:32,328
What is that, the horrifying
conversation alarm?
14
00:00:33,565 --> 00:00:36,983
I was hoping it was a truck
about to back over me.
15
00:00:36,985 --> 00:00:38,585
It's time for my pills.
16
00:00:38,587 --> 00:00:40,587
Evy, I think I left them
in the car.
17
00:00:40,589 --> 00:00:42,172
Would you get them?
Of course, dear.
18
00:00:42,174 --> 00:00:44,257
I think the keys are
in my pocket.
19
00:00:44,259 --> 00:00:46,443
You may have to root
around for them.
20
00:00:46,445 --> 00:00:48,128
Really nice try.
21
00:00:48,130 --> 00:00:49,379
I-I got to remember that.
22
00:00:49,381 --> 00:00:50,847
That's a good one.
23
00:00:50,849 --> 00:00:54,651
You actually have
to own something to have keys.
24
00:00:54,653 --> 00:00:58,505
Okay, let me tell you
why I'm really here.
25
00:00:58,507 --> 00:01:01,591
You know I have been dating
your mother for some time now.
26
00:01:01,593 --> 00:01:02,925
Uh, actually,
she's not my mom.
27
00:01:02,927 --> 00:01:04,811
Yeah, or mine.
28
00:01:04,813 --> 00:01:07,063
Well, you boys are a couple
and she's your daughter,
29
00:01:07,065 --> 00:01:08,782
so we're like family.
30
00:01:08,784 --> 00:01:11,151
Oh.
31
00:01:11,153 --> 00:01:13,369
No, we're-we're not married.
32
00:01:13,371 --> 00:01:14,954
Oh, but someday.
33
00:01:14,956 --> 00:01:17,940
No, no, we-we don't want
to get married.
34
00:01:17,942 --> 00:01:20,577
So why did you guys fight
so hard for it?
35
00:01:20,579 --> 00:01:23,129
Yeah, come on, Walden.
36
00:01:23,131 --> 00:01:26,316
You're here, you're queer,
get used to it.
37
00:01:26,318 --> 00:01:27,834
As I was saying,
38
00:01:27,836 --> 00:01:32,088
your mother is a beautiful,
warm, compassionate woman.
39
00:01:32,090 --> 00:01:34,474
Everyone's entitled
to their opinion.
40
00:01:34,476 --> 00:01:37,677
I would like to ask
for her hand in marriage.
41
00:01:37,679 --> 00:01:39,529
Aw. Wow.
What?
42
00:01:39,531 --> 00:01:41,347
So, what do you say?
43
00:01:41,349 --> 00:01:43,650
Can I make an honest woman
out of your mother?
44
00:01:43,652 --> 00:01:46,135
I doubt it.
45
00:01:47,638 --> 00:01:49,856
But you have my blessing.
46
00:01:49,858 --> 00:01:51,441
Mine, too.
Congratulations.
47
00:01:51,443 --> 00:01:52,942
Uh, wait, not-not so fast.
48
00:01:52,944 --> 00:01:54,143
I have a question first.
49
00:01:54,145 --> 00:01:56,863
Would you allow her son
to come and live with you
50
00:01:56,865 --> 00:01:58,915
if his current living
quarters were to, say,
51
00:01:58,917 --> 00:02:00,817
suddenly become a sauna?
52
00:02:01,886 --> 00:02:03,620
Any son of Evelyn's
53
00:02:03,622 --> 00:02:06,489
always has a place in my home.
54
00:02:06,491 --> 00:02:08,842
Welcome to the family, Dad.
55
00:02:10,679 --> 00:02:12,212
Here are your pills, dear.
56
00:02:12,214 --> 00:02:15,598
Look at that, a hot chick
carrying a bag of drugs.
57
00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:19,502
It's like 1970 all over again.
58
00:02:20,621 --> 00:02:22,505
Let's start
with the muscle relaxers.
59
00:02:22,507 --> 00:02:24,757
One for you, two for me.
60
00:02:25,659 --> 00:02:27,844
Wow. What are
all those for?
61
00:02:27,846 --> 00:02:29,279
It's a combination.
62
00:02:29,281 --> 00:02:31,064
Hardeners and softeners.
63
00:02:31,066 --> 00:02:33,566
I-I have to take these or...
64
00:02:36,537 --> 00:02:38,037
Marty, are you okay?
Quick, quick.
65
00:02:38,039 --> 00:02:40,623
P-Press the medic alert.
66
00:02:41,458 --> 00:02:43,960
What is this?
67
00:02:43,962 --> 00:02:45,378
This is a ring.
68
00:02:46,697 --> 00:02:50,733
I've fallen for you,
and I can't get up.
69
00:02:50,735 --> 00:02:51,918
What are you saying?
70
00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:53,253
Will you marry me?
71
00:02:53,255 --> 00:02:55,672
I can't believe this.
72
00:02:55,674 --> 00:02:57,757
You are so romantic.
73
00:02:57,759 --> 00:02:59,375
Will I have to sign a prenup?
74
00:02:59,377 --> 00:03:00,410
Of course not.
75
00:03:00,412 --> 00:03:02,378
Then yes,
76
00:03:02,380 --> 00:03:05,231
And I want your son
to be my best man.
77
00:03:05,233 --> 00:03:06,683
Oh, my God, really?
78
00:03:06,685 --> 00:03:09,319
Not you; pretty boy over there.
79
00:03:10,721 --> 00:03:12,188
Oh.
80
00:03:12,190 --> 00:03:14,390
In my heart, I knew.
81
00:03:16,076 --> 00:03:17,744
Okay, but at the ceremony,
82
00:03:17,746 --> 00:03:20,413
I'm not gonna root around
in your pocket for the ring.
83
00:03:20,415 --> 00:03:22,832
And, Jennifer,
you'll be my maid of honor?
84
00:03:22,834 --> 00:03:25,585
Of course.
It's like I'm not even here.
85
00:03:25,587 --> 00:03:27,704
Sweet.
I love straight weddings.
86
00:03:27,706 --> 00:03:30,173
A bunch
of drunk bridesmaids crying
87
00:03:30,175 --> 00:03:31,541
because they don't have a man.
88
00:03:31,543 --> 00:03:34,410
It's like eating fish
in a barrel.
89
00:03:34,412 --> 00:03:36,546
So, where are we gonna have
the ceremony?
90
00:03:36,548 --> 00:03:38,715
Why don't we just have
it here at our place?
91
00:03:38,717 --> 00:03:40,750
Uh, maybe we should
discuss this
92
00:03:40,752 --> 00:03:43,269
before we offer up our place.
93
00:03:43,271 --> 00:03:45,388
Do what I do;
just go along with it,
94
00:03:45,390 --> 00:03:48,308
and later, take it out on him
in the bedroom.
95
00:03:49,827 --> 00:03:52,312
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
96
00:03:52,314 --> 00:03:53,561
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
97
00:03:53,562 --> 00:03:57,562
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x13 ♪
Bite Me, Supreme Court
Original Air Date on January 30, 2014
98
00:03:57,563 --> 00:04:02,563
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
99
00:04:02,589 --> 00:04:03,839
♪ Men. ♪
100
00:04:03,889 --> 00:04:05,186
Oh, Berta, uh,
101
00:04:05,187 --> 00:04:06,324
can I try something out on you?
102
00:04:06,341 --> 00:04:08,975
There isn't enough
alcohol in the world.
103
00:04:09,177 --> 00:04:11,611
No, I'm writing a toast
for my mother's wedding.
104
00:04:11,613 --> 00:04:12,829
Uh, so far I've got, uh,
105
00:04:12,831 --> 00:04:14,464
"Ladies and gentlemen,
I am so pleased
106
00:04:14,466 --> 00:04:16,099
"to welcome Marty Pepper
to our family.
107
00:04:16,101 --> 00:04:17,884
"Uh, to know Marty
is to love him.
108
00:04:17,886 --> 00:04:20,019
"He's a kind,
sweet and generous man,
109
00:04:20,021 --> 00:04:21,254
"which proves once and for all
110
00:04:21,256 --> 00:04:23,506
that opposites
really do attract."
111
00:04:23,508 --> 00:04:26,726
So, you're telling everyone
you're a son of a bitch.
112
00:04:27,711 --> 00:04:29,095
I like it.
113
00:04:30,381 --> 00:04:31,931
Hey, Alan, I need your help
114
00:04:31,933 --> 00:04:33,983
planning this geriatric
bachelor party.
115
00:04:33,985 --> 00:04:35,568
I started reaching out
to the guys
116
00:04:35,570 --> 00:04:36,769
on Marty's invite list,
117
00:04:36,771 --> 00:04:41,057
and so far I got dead,
dead, coma, Florida.
118
00:04:41,059 --> 00:04:44,027
Hey, uh, where you thinking
about having this thing anyway?
119
00:04:44,029 --> 00:04:45,478
Well, at this point, either Boca
120
00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:48,264
or the
Hollywood Forever Cemetery.
121
00:04:48,266 --> 00:04:49,782
How about a strip club?
122
00:04:49,784 --> 00:04:51,751
I know a place with a great
all-you-can-eat buffet.
123
00:04:51,753 --> 00:04:53,316
Two things you never
want to hear together.
124
00:04:53,317 --> 00:04:55,311
- Mm-hmm.
- "Strip club" and "all-you-can-eat""
125
00:04:55,373 --> 00:04:57,790
Besides, Marty doesn't
want strippers.
126
00:04:57,792 --> 00:04:59,459
You can't have a bachelor party
without strippers.
127
00:04:59,461 --> 00:05:00,743
But more importantly,
128
00:05:00,745 --> 00:05:02,629
we can't let the last
naked woman this man sees
129
00:05:02,631 --> 00:05:03,913
be my mother.
130
00:05:05,216 --> 00:05:08,301
My granddaughters do
a great two-for-one show.
131
00:05:08,303 --> 00:05:09,953
I can get you a family discount.
132
00:05:09,955 --> 00:05:12,088
No, no.
133
00:05:12,090 --> 00:05:13,289
We... No strippers.
134
00:05:13,291 --> 00:05:15,391
We're just doing
a nice steak dinner.
135
00:05:15,393 --> 00:05:16,726
Well, if there's not
gonna be any strippers,
136
00:05:16,728 --> 00:05:17,727
then I'm not going.
137
00:05:17,729 --> 00:05:19,428
Actually,
you're not on the list.
138
00:05:19,430 --> 00:05:21,597
♪ Men. ♪
139
00:05:21,599 --> 00:05:23,399
Okay, okay,
one more time.
140
00:05:23,401 --> 00:05:26,936
I want a nice filet,
medium-rare,
141
00:05:26,938 --> 00:05:28,955
and then you give
it a nice sear,
142
00:05:28,957 --> 00:05:31,958
and then you put it
in the food processor,
143
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,442
and you give it a pump
144
00:05:33,444 --> 00:05:35,611
three times on chop--
boom, boom, boom--
145
00:05:35,613 --> 00:05:37,964
and two times on
dice-- boom, boom.
146
00:05:37,966 --> 00:05:39,999
Thank you.
147
00:05:40,884 --> 00:05:42,502
Oh, uh,
148
00:05:42,504 --> 00:05:44,120
is, uh, this the party
149
00:05:44,122 --> 00:05:45,655
or the bathroom?
150
00:05:45,657 --> 00:05:47,423
Here. Over here, Tim.
151
00:05:47,425 --> 00:05:48,675
Oh.
Yeah.
152
00:05:48,677 --> 00:05:50,209
Thank you.
153
00:05:50,211 --> 00:05:51,311
What's with the glasses?
154
00:05:51,313 --> 00:05:52,879
You look like Bono.
155
00:05:52,881 --> 00:05:55,181
I was fortunate enough
to work with Bono.
156
00:05:55,183 --> 00:05:58,818
Yeah, and, uh, at the time,
he was married to Cher.
157
00:05:59,937 --> 00:06:02,071
I just got back
from the eye doctor.
158
00:06:02,073 --> 00:06:04,907
Boy, he robbed me blind.
159
00:06:04,909 --> 00:06:08,328
can only read the top
line of the eye chart.
160
00:06:08,330 --> 00:06:10,163
It says P.
161
00:06:10,165 --> 00:06:12,915
Then I have to.
162
00:06:12,917 --> 00:06:15,652
I-I'd like to, uh,
to propose a toast.
163
00:06:15,654 --> 00:06:17,036
Uh, first to Walden
164
00:06:17,038 --> 00:06:19,122
for putting all this together
at the last minute.
165
00:06:19,124 --> 00:06:21,507
Well, it was tough,
but I managed to get a table
166
00:06:21,509 --> 00:06:24,210
at 3:00 p.m. on a Thursday.
167
00:06:24,212 --> 00:06:27,547
To Walden and his wife Alan.
168
00:06:29,433 --> 00:06:31,634
That is one ugly woman.
169
00:06:31,636 --> 00:06:32,668
Uh-huh.
170
00:06:32,670 --> 00:06:35,138
Um, my, uh,
171
00:06:35,140 --> 00:06:37,473
my mother and I have
had our ups and downs,
172
00:06:37,475 --> 00:06:40,360
but I love her,
and I want her to be happy.
173
00:06:40,362 --> 00:06:42,445
And you, Marty Pepper,
174
00:06:42,447 --> 00:06:44,347
make her happy,
which means
175
00:06:44,349 --> 00:06:45,848
I love you.
176
00:06:47,051 --> 00:06:49,952
I thought we
said no broads.
177
00:06:51,205 --> 00:06:53,489
I had a gay friend
who was arrested for sodomy,
178
00:06:53,491 --> 00:06:57,694
and he had the charge reduced
to following too closely.
179
00:06:57,696 --> 00:06:59,629
Uh, anyway,
180
00:06:59,631 --> 00:07:03,049
um, I want to wish you both
the best. Cheers.
181
00:07:03,051 --> 00:07:04,384
Tim needs a drink.
182
00:07:04,386 --> 00:07:07,920
No, no, no, no, uh, I'm driving.
183
00:07:07,922 --> 00:07:10,039
Marty, last time I saw you,
184
00:07:10,041 --> 00:07:14,210
we were in a threesome
with that cute little redhead.
185
00:07:14,212 --> 00:07:16,145
What ever happened to her?
186
00:07:16,147 --> 00:07:17,513
I'm marrying her.
187
00:07:17,515 --> 00:07:19,215
Nice girl.
188
00:07:19,217 --> 00:07:21,100
Hard worker.
189
00:07:22,603 --> 00:07:25,721
Well, I'd like to say on behalf
of all of us, getting married?
190
00:07:25,723 --> 00:07:27,940
What the hell are
you doing, Marty?
191
00:07:27,942 --> 00:07:29,725
Why do you need
seven wives?
192
00:07:29,727 --> 00:07:33,363
You can barely get through
nine holes of golf!
193
00:07:33,365 --> 00:07:37,166
She's a sweet kid,
and I need a little warmth
194
00:07:37,168 --> 00:07:39,619
and comfort
at the end of the day.
195
00:07:39,621 --> 00:07:43,222
Have you ever considered
a nice piece of toast?
196
00:07:44,425 --> 00:07:46,959
Uh, well,
I would like to say something.
197
00:07:46,961 --> 00:07:50,246
Uh... I might be
in the minority here,
198
00:07:50,248 --> 00:07:52,515
but I still believe in love,
199
00:07:52,517 --> 00:07:54,717
and it's inspiring to know
200
00:07:54,719 --> 00:07:58,020
that even at your age,
you can still find it.
201
00:07:58,022 --> 00:08:00,139
Now we have two broads.
202
00:08:01,608 --> 00:08:03,226
The kid is right.
203
00:08:03,228 --> 00:08:06,595
Nothing is more important
than love,
204
00:08:06,597 --> 00:08:09,198
except a good opening weekend.
205
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:11,818
And salt.
206
00:08:12,953 --> 00:08:15,988
Damn it, I really miss salt.
207
00:08:15,990 --> 00:08:18,624
Okay, we're here because
we love this man.
208
00:08:18,626 --> 00:08:21,394
You know, not the way
you two love each other.
209
00:08:21,396 --> 00:08:23,396
But...
210
00:08:23,398 --> 00:08:25,781
love, n-nonetheless.
211
00:08:27,551 --> 00:08:30,586
We're also here for the free
steak, am I right?
212
00:08:30,588 --> 00:08:33,639
Excuse me.
213
00:08:33,641 --> 00:08:35,041
Who is this kid?
214
00:08:35,043 --> 00:08:37,059
He's Evelyn's son.
215
00:08:37,061 --> 00:08:39,095
Who's Evelyn?
216
00:08:39,097 --> 00:08:40,563
The woman I'm marrying.
217
00:08:40,565 --> 00:08:42,298
You're getting married?
218
00:08:42,300 --> 00:08:45,301
Mazel tov!
219
00:08:47,404 --> 00:08:49,822
Which one of you guys
is... Marty?
220
00:08:53,510 --> 00:08:54,911
I'm Sugar.
221
00:08:54,913 --> 00:08:55,778
I'm Cinnamon.
222
00:08:55,780 --> 00:08:58,531
I'm rich!
I'm richer!
223
00:08:58,533 --> 00:09:00,750
Hey, I thought we said
no strippers.
224
00:09:00,752 --> 00:09:02,201
It's a bachelor party;
loosen up.
225
00:09:02,203 --> 00:09:03,819
Hey, uh, Marty,
you up for a lap dance?
226
00:09:03,821 --> 00:09:06,422
I haven't been up
for a lap dance
227
00:09:06,424 --> 00:09:09,375
since the
Reagan Administration.
228
00:09:09,377 --> 00:09:11,360
Governor Reagan's.
229
00:09:11,362 --> 00:09:13,880
I think I wrote that joke.
230
00:09:13,882 --> 00:09:16,415
Girls, give him something
to remember.
231
00:09:16,417 --> 00:09:18,601
Uh, they're the green ones.
232
00:09:19,436 --> 00:09:20,987
Oh, uh, and don't forget,
233
00:09:20,989 --> 00:09:22,805
I'm only paying for an hour,
so whether you're
234
00:09:22,807 --> 00:09:24,507
in the middle
of a lap dance or CPR,
235
00:09:24,509 --> 00:09:25,892
you got to get out of there.
236
00:09:28,028 --> 00:09:30,179
♪ Men. ♪
237
00:09:30,181 --> 00:09:32,698
I want to find something
Marty will like.
238
00:09:32,700 --> 00:09:36,219
I wonder if they have
edible underwear for diabetics.
239
00:09:36,221 --> 00:09:37,520
Well, they do have
something called
240
00:09:37,522 --> 00:09:39,522
"I Can't Believe
It's Not Body Butter."
241
00:09:39,524 --> 00:09:42,358
Hey, you'd look good in these.
242
00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:45,027
No, dear,
Marty would look good in them.
243
00:09:45,029 --> 00:09:47,797
Oh, you guys are kinky.
244
00:09:47,799 --> 00:09:51,250
If we got any kinkier, we'd
upset the animal rights people.
245
00:09:54,304 --> 00:09:56,839
So, how about
you, Jennifer?
246
00:09:56,841 --> 00:09:58,808
Are there wedding
bells in your future?
247
00:09:58,810 --> 00:09:59,926
It is legal now.
248
00:09:59,928 --> 00:10:01,260
Oh, don't remind me.
249
00:10:01,262 --> 00:10:04,230
I used to have the perfect get-
out-of-relationship-free card.
250
00:10:04,232 --> 00:10:06,816
"Oh, I'd love to marry you,
251
00:10:06,818 --> 00:10:09,986
"but darn all that prejudice
and intolerance.
252
00:10:09,988 --> 00:10:12,738
Bite me, Supreme Court."
253
00:10:12,740 --> 00:10:14,040
Well, you never know.
254
00:10:14,042 --> 00:10:15,875
I didn't expect to find
love this late in life,
255
00:10:15,877 --> 00:10:18,110
but there's just something
about Marty.
256
00:10:18,112 --> 00:10:22,114
Yeah, there's just
400 million things about Marty.
257
00:10:22,116 --> 00:10:23,533
Yes, but I would love him
258
00:10:23,535 --> 00:10:25,985
if he was only
worth 200 million.
259
00:10:27,088 --> 00:10:29,572
You know,
I was really touched
260
00:10:29,574 --> 00:10:31,674
when you asked me to be
your maid of honor.
261
00:10:31,676 --> 00:10:33,826
Well, you're the
daughter of my only son.
262
00:10:33,828 --> 00:10:34,927
Well, what about Alan?
263
00:10:34,929 --> 00:10:36,879
Don't spoil my day, dear.
264
00:10:36,881 --> 00:10:38,965
And having you
with me is like
265
00:10:38,967 --> 00:10:40,716
having Charlie around.
266
00:10:40,718 --> 00:10:43,269
This will be the only one of
my weddings without him.
267
00:10:43,271 --> 00:10:44,937
Well, except the first one,
of course.
268
00:10:44,939 --> 00:10:47,607
Oh, no, dear,
he was there.
269
00:10:47,609 --> 00:10:50,226
It was the first time
we got drunk together.
270
00:10:50,228 --> 00:10:52,428
♪ Men. ♪
271
00:10:52,430 --> 00:10:54,280
Where's Marty?
272
00:10:54,282 --> 00:10:56,232
Nobody likes a stripper hog.
273
00:10:56,234 --> 00:10:58,000
Oh, speaking of hogs,
274
00:10:58,002 --> 00:11:00,319
I once did a show
with Miss Piggy.
275
00:11:00,321 --> 00:11:03,122
You know there's a
guy under there?
276
00:11:03,124 --> 00:11:05,875
You know, maybe we should go
check on him.
277
00:11:05,877 --> 00:11:07,109
I'm fine!
278
00:11:07,111 --> 00:11:10,830
Best present that I ever had
in my whole life.
279
00:11:10,832 --> 00:11:12,632
Thank you, Walden.
280
00:11:12,634 --> 00:11:14,617
Actually, the strippers
were my idea.
281
00:11:14,619 --> 00:11:16,252
Oh, well,
then you tell your mother
282
00:11:16,254 --> 00:11:17,670
the wedding is off.
283
00:11:17,672 --> 00:11:21,290
Tell her what?
284
00:11:21,292 --> 00:11:22,725
Okay.
285
00:11:22,727 --> 00:11:23,993
Wedding pool.
286
00:11:23,995 --> 00:11:25,011
I have
287
00:11:25,013 --> 00:11:26,462
"Misplaces teeth
288
00:11:26,464 --> 00:11:28,464
and can't recite the vows."
289
00:11:28,466 --> 00:11:29,615
Uh-huh.
290
00:11:30,684 --> 00:11:33,819
I had, uh...
291
00:11:33,821 --> 00:11:37,523
"Died during the lap dance."
292
00:11:38,975 --> 00:11:42,411
I had "This man's
name is Gary.
293
00:11:42,413 --> 00:11:44,013
"If found,
294
00:11:44,015 --> 00:11:47,667
"take him to 104
North Beverly Drive.
295
00:11:47,669 --> 00:11:50,870
Do not give him Scotch""
296
00:11:52,005 --> 00:11:53,422
Well, I have...
297
00:11:53,424 --> 00:11:55,424
"Alan will
screw this up somehow."
298
00:11:55,426 --> 00:11:56,876
I win.
299
00:11:56,878 --> 00:11:58,010
Are you serious?
300
00:11:58,012 --> 00:11:59,378
You can't call off the wedding.
301
00:11:59,380 --> 00:12:00,680
You're not thinking clearly.
302
00:12:00,682 --> 00:12:03,883
I have never been more clear
about anything in my life,
303
00:12:03,885 --> 00:12:06,268
except casting Ralph Macchio.
304
00:12:06,270 --> 00:12:08,688
Kid was a born star.
305
00:12:08,690 --> 00:12:11,507
Well, I think the party is over.
306
00:12:11,509 --> 00:12:15,027
Can somebody please drive me
to, uh,
307
00:12:15,029 --> 00:12:18,948
104 North Beverly Drive?
308
00:12:18,950 --> 00:12:20,683
I gotcha.
309
00:12:20,685 --> 00:12:25,021
Listen, maybe on the way home,
we can pick up some Scotch.
310
00:12:25,023 --> 00:12:27,039
Wait, wait, not so fast!
311
00:12:27,041 --> 00:12:28,841
I got a catheter.
312
00:12:28,843 --> 00:12:30,710
♪ Men. ♪
313
00:12:37,115 --> 00:12:38,432
♪ Men. ♪
314
00:12:38,434 --> 00:12:40,283
I can't believe Marty
called off the wedding.
315
00:12:40,285 --> 00:12:42,569
I can't believe
I left a bachelor party
316
00:12:42,571 --> 00:12:44,888
at 4:45 in the afternoon.
317
00:12:44,890 --> 00:12:47,057
My mom is gonna be
very upset with us.
318
00:12:47,059 --> 00:12:48,925
"Us"?
319
00:12:48,927 --> 00:12:50,127
You threw the bachelor party.
320
00:12:50,129 --> 00:12:52,429
You hired strippers!
321
00:12:52,431 --> 00:12:54,697
That's why I said "us."
322
00:12:54,699 --> 00:12:56,199
You know what,
it ultimately doesn't matter
323
00:12:56,201 --> 00:12:58,251
because in your mother's eyes.
it's all your fault.
324
00:12:58,253 --> 00:12:59,519
You're right.
325
00:12:59,521 --> 00:13:01,588
She has never forgiven me
for her prolapsed vagina.
326
00:13:01,590 --> 00:13:03,757
And I'm never gonna forgive you
327
00:13:03,759 --> 00:13:05,559
for putting that picture
in my head.
328
00:13:05,561 --> 00:13:07,728
It's not my fault my ears
got caught.
329
00:13:08,896 --> 00:13:11,064
She's gonna be crushed,
and it's all because of us.
330
00:13:11,066 --> 00:13:12,432
Will you stop saying that!
331
00:13:12,434 --> 00:13:13,884
It's because of you!
332
00:13:13,886 --> 00:13:18,021
First you destroyed her vagina,
and now it's her dreams.
333
00:13:18,023 --> 00:13:19,272
Really?
334
00:13:19,274 --> 00:13:21,441
I thought, as partners,
we shared the burdens of life
335
00:13:21,443 --> 00:13:22,725
for better or for worse.
336
00:13:22,727 --> 00:13:24,227
Or were they just empty vows?
337
00:13:24,229 --> 00:13:26,363
We're not married!
338
00:13:26,365 --> 00:13:28,949
Oh, you don't have
to remind me of that.
339
00:13:29,784 --> 00:13:32,068
We're not gay!
340
00:13:32,070 --> 00:13:34,588
I can see why we have
to tell other people that,
341
00:13:34,590 --> 00:13:37,090
but we shouldn't have
to tell each other!
342
00:13:39,510 --> 00:13:41,461
Oh, hey, Alan,
look who's here.
343
00:13:41,463 --> 00:13:43,046
Hello, boys.
344
00:13:43,048 --> 00:13:44,247
Hey, you want a drink?
345
00:13:45,417 --> 00:13:46,749
I know, stupid question.
346
00:13:46,751 --> 00:13:49,419
Hey, Mommy,
did you have fun shopping?
347
00:13:49,421 --> 00:13:50,871
What's wrong?
348
00:13:50,873 --> 00:13:52,389
What-what do you mean,
"what's wrong"?
349
00:13:52,391 --> 00:13:53,974
You're using
that same whiny voice
350
00:13:53,976 --> 00:13:56,560
you used when you pooped
your pants in ballet class.
351
00:13:56,562 --> 00:13:58,478
Good Lord.
I was a kid!
352
00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:00,147
You were 14.
353
00:14:01,199 --> 00:14:02,999
You finally had a bulge
in your tights,
354
00:14:03,001 --> 00:14:04,935
and it was on the wrong side.
355
00:14:04,937 --> 00:14:06,236
Okay, you know, I thought this
356
00:14:06,238 --> 00:14:07,871
was gonna be difficult,
but maybe not.
357
00:14:07,873 --> 00:14:10,040
Marty ran off
with a couple of strippers.
358
00:14:10,825 --> 00:14:12,209
Excuse me?
359
00:14:12,211 --> 00:14:15,662
Things got a little crazy
at the bachelor party.
360
00:14:15,664 --> 00:14:16,746
What happened?
361
00:14:16,748 --> 00:14:17,798
Did he eat sugar?
362
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:20,634
He may have.
363
00:14:22,954 --> 00:14:24,287
All right.
364
00:14:24,289 --> 00:14:26,306
Well, I guess he's having
one last little fling
365
00:14:26,308 --> 00:14:27,674
before the wedding.
366
00:14:27,676 --> 00:14:30,093
Um, y-yeah, about the wedding.
367
00:14:30,095 --> 00:14:33,563
There's that same
tutu-crapping voice again.
368
00:14:34,348 --> 00:14:36,266
He called it off.
369
00:14:36,268 --> 00:14:38,185
What?
370
00:14:38,986 --> 00:14:40,070
Sorry, Evelyn.
371
00:14:40,072 --> 00:14:41,304
But...
372
00:14:41,306 --> 00:14:43,190
the strippers have
his medication,
373
00:14:43,192 --> 00:14:45,859
and I think one of them has
a nurse's outfit.
374
00:14:47,495 --> 00:14:49,529
You know, I-I think if you went
over there and talked to him,
375
00:14:49,531 --> 00:14:51,198
you might be able
to change his mind.
376
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:54,150
He may have even forgotten
he called off the wedding.
377
00:14:54,152 --> 00:14:57,504
No, if he doesn't want
to get married, that's fine.
378
00:14:58,589 --> 00:14:59,539
Are you okay?
379
00:14:59,541 --> 00:15:00,841
I mean,
is there anything we can do?
380
00:15:00,843 --> 00:15:02,425
I'm all right.
381
00:15:02,427 --> 00:15:05,095
You can't force someone
to love you.
382
00:15:07,465 --> 00:15:08,998
Excuse me.
383
00:15:10,869 --> 00:15:12,886
What did I miss?
384
00:15:12,888 --> 00:15:14,804
Well, the wedding's off,
385
00:15:14,806 --> 00:15:17,390
and Alan crapped his pants
in ballet class.
386
00:15:19,110 --> 00:15:21,010
♪ Men. ♪
387
00:15:21,012 --> 00:15:22,229
Wow.
388
00:15:22,231 --> 00:15:23,530
Yeah.
389
00:15:23,532 --> 00:15:24,698
If I inherit this place,
390
00:15:24,700 --> 00:15:26,900
there's a guest room
with your name on it.
391
00:15:28,653 --> 00:15:30,904
Man, he bought this
with sitcom money.
392
00:15:32,573 --> 00:15:35,575
I am in the wrong business.
393
00:15:37,245 --> 00:15:38,545
May I help you?
394
00:15:38,547 --> 00:15:40,330
Uh, we're here
to see Marty.
395
00:15:40,332 --> 00:15:42,165
I'm sorry, Mr. Pepper is busy.
396
00:15:42,167 --> 00:15:44,534
Really? Uh, he doesn't have time
397
00:15:44,536 --> 00:15:47,220
to visit with Ralph Macchio?
398
00:15:47,222 --> 00:15:49,422
A thousand apologies,
Mr. Macchio.
399
00:15:49,424 --> 00:15:51,091
Right this way.
400
00:15:51,093 --> 00:15:53,593
After you, Daniel-san.
401
00:15:53,595 --> 00:15:55,896
♪ Men. ♪
402
00:15:59,967 --> 00:16:01,518
We're going to take a bath.
403
00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:04,387
You can start washing
each other.
404
00:16:05,306 --> 00:16:08,158
But save the dirty parts for me.
405
00:16:10,329 --> 00:16:11,695
Who's there?
406
00:16:11,697 --> 00:16:13,363
Uh, it's Alan and Walden.
407
00:16:13,365 --> 00:16:15,732
Who?
408
00:16:17,035 --> 00:16:19,920
Evelyn's gay son
and his boyfriend.
409
00:16:19,922 --> 00:16:21,404
Oh.
410
00:16:21,406 --> 00:16:23,924
All right, come on in.
411
00:16:24,759 --> 00:16:26,876
If you're here
to change my mind,
412
00:16:26,878 --> 00:16:28,428
forget it.
413
00:16:28,430 --> 00:16:30,096
But I-I thought you
loved my mother.
414
00:16:30,098 --> 00:16:31,848
I do,
415
00:16:31,850 --> 00:16:34,884
but I'm not ready
to settle down.
416
00:16:34,886 --> 00:16:37,587
Maybe when I get a little older.
417
00:16:37,589 --> 00:16:41,691
Marty, I don't
say this unkindly,
418
00:16:41,693 --> 00:16:45,645
but if you get any older,
you'll be soil.
419
00:16:46,731 --> 00:16:48,598
Besides, you know
my mother.
420
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:50,317
She'd sleep with you
and the strippers.
421
00:16:50,319 --> 00:16:51,735
Oh, yeah,
she's a big whore.
422
00:16:51,737 --> 00:16:52,935
Yeah.
423
00:16:52,937 --> 00:16:57,123
I'm not saying
she doesn't have her charms.
424
00:16:57,125 --> 00:16:58,658
So, what's the problem?
425
00:16:58,660 --> 00:16:59,960
The truth is,
426
00:16:59,962 --> 00:17:02,495
I'm a six-time loser
at marriage,
427
00:17:02,497 --> 00:17:05,465
and I don't want to go
for a seventh.
428
00:17:06,300 --> 00:17:07,884
I get it.
429
00:17:07,886 --> 00:17:09,803
You're-you're scared.
430
00:17:09,805 --> 00:17:11,921
But, you know,
in-in love,
431
00:17:11,923 --> 00:17:15,392
you have to take a leap
and hope for the best.
432
00:17:15,394 --> 00:17:17,727
That should be written
on a pillow--
433
00:17:17,729 --> 00:17:20,263
the pillow you can bite
when you and your buddy are...
434
00:17:20,265 --> 00:17:21,314
All right, all right.
435
00:17:21,316 --> 00:17:22,649
Um...
436
00:17:25,469 --> 00:17:29,406
No, all-all I'm saying is
is that marriage
437
00:17:29,408 --> 00:17:31,441
can be a beautiful thing.
438
00:17:31,443 --> 00:17:34,744
So, why aren't you two married?
439
00:17:34,746 --> 00:17:36,363
Yeah.
440
00:17:36,365 --> 00:17:38,081
Why aren't we married, Walden?
441
00:17:39,834 --> 00:17:41,835
This isn't what you think it is.
442
00:17:41,837 --> 00:17:43,086
Right.
443
00:17:43,088 --> 00:17:47,924
I don't understand you,
but you understand me.
444
00:17:47,926 --> 00:17:49,342
You're right.
445
00:17:49,344 --> 00:17:50,343
He's right.
446
00:17:50,345 --> 00:17:51,695
I-I don't want to
447
00:17:51,697 --> 00:17:54,297
end up alone
448
00:17:54,299 --> 00:17:57,484
and a-afraid of commitment
like Marty.
449
00:17:59,420 --> 00:18:01,104
Alan...
450
00:18:02,006 --> 00:18:04,190
...for the last
three years of my life,
451
00:18:04,192 --> 00:18:06,676
you have...
452
00:18:06,678 --> 00:18:08,728
always been there.
453
00:18:08,730 --> 00:18:10,280
Every day.
454
00:18:10,282 --> 00:18:13,700
When I wake up in the morning,
when I go to bed at night,
455
00:18:13,702 --> 00:18:15,368
there you are.
456
00:18:17,988 --> 00:18:19,489
So, nobody is more surprised
457
00:18:19,491 --> 00:18:22,459
to hear this coming
out of my mouth than me.
458
00:18:22,461 --> 00:18:24,694
This is not happening.
459
00:18:25,963 --> 00:18:27,997
Alan Harper...
460
00:18:27,999 --> 00:18:29,699
will you marry me?
461
00:18:30,501 --> 00:18:31,835
Yes! Yes!
462
00:18:31,837 --> 00:18:33,536
A billion times, yes!
463
00:18:33,538 --> 00:18:34,671
Okay, okay.
464
00:18:34,673 --> 00:18:35,958
All right, okay.
465
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:37,492
Let's save something
for the honeymoon.
466
00:18:37,494 --> 00:18:39,628
Ibiza, it has to be Ibiza.
467
00:18:39,630 --> 00:18:41,046
You're right.
468
00:18:41,048 --> 00:18:44,416
Excluding my heart,
kidney and liver,
469
00:18:44,418 --> 00:18:46,918
I'm not a young man anymore.
470
00:18:49,055 --> 00:18:50,705
I'm gonna call your mother.
471
00:18:50,707 --> 00:18:52,207
Marty,
472
00:18:52,209 --> 00:18:54,109
come find the ducky.
473
00:18:55,396 --> 00:18:57,846
We-we should probably go
break the news to them.
474
00:18:57,848 --> 00:19:00,899
Yeah, yeah, that'd probably be
the proper thing to do.
475
00:19:02,101 --> 00:19:03,268
Just so you know,
476
00:19:03,270 --> 00:19:05,487
this is not happening
when we're married.
477
00:19:05,489 --> 00:19:07,906
♪ Men. ♪
478
00:19:15,423 --> 00:19:17,023
♪ Men. ♪
479
00:19:17,025 --> 00:19:18,608
Marty,
480
00:19:18,610 --> 00:19:21,360
I love you more than words
could ever say.
481
00:19:21,362 --> 00:19:22,945
From the moment
482
00:19:22,947 --> 00:19:25,281
I took off my blindfold,
turned around
483
00:19:25,283 --> 00:19:28,117
and saw you behind me
for the first time,
484
00:19:28,119 --> 00:19:31,871
I knew I'd never need
a safe word again.
485
00:19:32,656 --> 00:19:35,124
I wish I had
one of those right now.
486
00:19:35,126 --> 00:19:37,326
Which? The blindfold
or the safe word?
487
00:19:37,328 --> 00:19:39,829
Yes.
488
00:19:39,831 --> 00:19:43,466
Evelyn, I'm so happy
you're in my life.
489
00:19:43,468 --> 00:19:46,452
When I'm with you,
I feel like I'm 85 again.
490
00:19:46,454 --> 00:19:48,671
You're the perfect
girl for me.
491
00:19:48,673 --> 00:19:50,339
You make my heart skip a beat,
492
00:19:50,341 --> 00:19:53,626
and you know how to use
a defribrillator.
493
00:19:54,963 --> 00:19:58,130
I wrote that joke.
494
00:19:58,132 --> 00:20:00,650
Last night, I only got up
one time to pee.
495
00:20:02,236 --> 00:20:05,404
I peed a second time,
but I-I didn't get up.
496
00:20:08,825 --> 00:20:11,110
Ashes to ashes,
497
00:20:11,112 --> 00:20:12,478
and dust to dust...
498
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:14,813
Oh, I'm sorry.
I skipped a page there.
499
00:20:14,815 --> 00:20:16,198
Uh...
500
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:18,417
you may now kiss the bride.
501
00:20:24,908 --> 00:20:28,160
Congratulations, Evelyn,
on a beautiful ceremony.
502
00:20:28,162 --> 00:20:31,180
Yeah. Can't wait
for the next one.
503
00:20:31,949 --> 00:20:33,349
I just have to tell you,
504
00:20:33,351 --> 00:20:35,668
I am a huge fan.
Thank you very much.
505
00:20:35,670 --> 00:20:38,271
I lost my virginity
to one of your records.
506
00:20:38,273 --> 00:20:41,307
A-side and B-side,
if you know what I mean.
507
00:20:42,727 --> 00:20:45,978
Oh, I just became
a big fan of yours, baby.
508
00:20:47,031 --> 00:20:49,865
And I just want
to say one thing.
509
00:20:49,867 --> 00:20:53,736
None of this would've happened
without these two.
510
00:20:53,738 --> 00:20:55,955
And as my present to you,
511
00:20:55,957 --> 00:20:58,574
I've arranged for Tim
512
00:20:58,576 --> 00:21:02,211
to perform
one more wedding ceremony.
513
00:21:07,711 --> 00:21:10,596
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
514
00:21:10,598 --> 00:21:13,594
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
515
00:21:13,595 --> 00:21:18,595
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
35949
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